August 18, 2025 • 24 mins
Transforming Your Marriage By Changing Your Thoughts :: [Ep. 282]
In this week's episode, we are studying God's word to see how replacing negative thoughts about our husbands can profoundly impact our marriages and set relationships on new trajectories as we align our thinking with biblical truth.
We will talk about the following:
• Thoughts are like seeds in our minds—they can be harmful weeds that choke our marriage or seeds that bring joy and peace
• Negative thoughts about our husbands invite those thoughts to gain mastery over our emotions and conversations
• Our standards often stem from our upbringing, culture, friends, social media, and become expectations for our husbands
• God reveals Himself as El Hane'emen (the faithful God) and El Shaddai (the all-sufficient God) when we feel our needs aren't met
• Replacing critical thoughts requires surrendering our standards to God and developing a servant's heart toward our husband
• When our husbands struggle with obedience to God, we can nourish them with grace and truth rather than judgment
We hope that as you listen you are encouraged and helped!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast designed for
(00:29):
your marriage.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.
At one point or another, we'veall had these thoughts about our
husbands.
He's not doing it the way Iasked him to.
He's never going to get itright, so I'll just have to deal
with it.
Why doesn't he just fill in theblank?
Why am I the only one who ever?
I polled a group of women whowere exceptionally honest with
me about the thoughts they werehaving about their husbands, and
it didn't take long to realizewe're all in the same boat,
(00:50):
thinking things we know mightnot be entirely true, but these
ugly thoughts rear their headsmore often than we might admit
to Today.
On part three of your self-talkabout your husband could be
ruining your relationship.
We're going to study God's word.
We're going to see what weshould be thinking, even when
our hubby doesn't come up tosnuff.
We're going to really get agood handle on what we should be
(01:13):
replacing these thoughts withand how all of this will
profoundly impact our marriages.
Find out how you can set yourmarriage on a new trajectory
just by changing the way youthink about your husband.
On today's episode of Vows toKeep Radio, the show where you
get sound biblical counsel thatyou can apply immediately to
your marriage.
(01:33):
I'm your host, traci.
Sellers of Vows to Keep.
David and I are biblicalmarriage counselors, authors,
teachers, podcast hosts, radiohosts and conference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
The thoughts we allow to lingerin our minds, the ones we chew
on throughout the day, the flawsof our spouse that we tend to
(01:55):
fixate on, are powerful forcesin our relationship.
Thoughts have a way of seemingbenign.
What harm can they do?
No one sees what I'm thinkingand I never share these things
out loud.
No harm, no foul right.
But thoughts are like seeds inthe garden of our minds seeds of
choking, harmful weeds thatwill crowd out anything good.
(02:17):
Or they could be seeds that aregoing to bring joy and peace
into our homes.
Make no mistake your thought.
Life matters tremendously, andit's something that God
addresses in his word over andover again.
Think of your marriage like agreenhouse or a garden.
Your heart and mind is the soil.
Your thoughts are the seeds.
What you harvest for yourmarriage is in direct
(02:39):
correlation to the deepest partsof you that no one can see.
I've noticed in my own lifethat when I have negative
thoughts about David, I'minviting them actually to gain
mastery over my emotions.
Soon, I find the way that Ifeel is controlling my attitude
and my conversations with Davidand I begin to reap what I've
(02:59):
sown.
Galatians 6 is what I'mreferring to here.
Reaping what you sow is notjust a little catch phrase of
our generation.
It's a promise from God himselfthat we can do things that will
give us the outcome we'relooking for, or things that are
going to lead us down a road wewould never purposefully choose.
It all depends on what we sow.
Verses 8 and 9 of Galatians 6explain it a little bit further.
(03:23):
Those who live only to satisfytheir own sinful nature, it says
, will harvest decay and deathfrom that sinful nature.
But those who live to pleasethe Spirit will harvest
everlasting life from the Spirit.
When my husband is not doingwhat I've asked or the way that
I asked and it's affecting me insome way, I feel I have the
right to indulge in a littleself-pity, maybe a little
(03:45):
self-righteousness, maybe even alittle selfishness.
I mean, come on, he's beenneglectful on something
important for the last year andI'm tired of it.
If I continue in these thoughts, though.
My marriage is going to reapsome form of destruction.
It might not be divorce, we mayeven still get along most of
the time, but the roots arebecoming rotten and the leaves
(04:09):
of our marriage are withering,when there's nothing good
between us anymore.
I need to look at what I'vebeen sowing.
This may be hard to hear, butwe both need it.
Today, when I'm allowing hisshortcomings to set my emotions
for the rest of the day or theweek or the year, I am
satisfying my sinful nature.
I'm not planting seeds offorgiveness.
(04:30):
I'm justifying my thoughtsbased upon my standards, not
God's.
I love how James 3.18 shows usthe opposite side of the coin
about this topic.
It says a harvest ofrighteousness is sown in peace
by those who make peace.
I really hope you hear my heartfor you in this topic today.
I am in the same boat as you.
(04:50):
My mind is not impenetrable toSatan's lies or tricks, and
neither is yours.
We not only have to stay alertto the thoughts that are
scrolling through our mind,where they come from, if they
belong, whether they're true ornot.
We also need to know what to dowith them, and that's where
we're going to spend the rest ofour time here together.
Today, on Vows to Keep Radio,we're going to identify the
(05:14):
thoughts, how they poison ourmarriage, what we need to
believe instead, how our newbelief is going to lead to
truthful thought and the harvestthat we can expect in our
marriage just by changing theway that we think.
Let's look at two schools ofthought we have about our
husbands and as we go, I thinkwe'll see how much they're going
(05:35):
to dovetail into each other.
First are the thoughts thatI'll put this heading on.
Okay, he's doing that wrong.
My friends told me thesethoughts are common for them.
He's never going to get it, soI'll just have to deal with it.
That's not how I would do it.
My way is better, and he's notdoing it the way that I would.
He's not doing it the way Iasked him to.
(05:55):
Is he deaf or dumb?
He just doesn't get it.
He might be asking yeah, but ifthese thoughts are true, then
how can I not think them?
Rather than narrowing our focuson whether he is or is not
doing what we've asked, or doingsomething the way we prefer,
let's look at us for just aminute.
When thoughts like these pop up, that doesn't necessarily mean
(06:20):
that our husband doesn't need tochange, but they are a clue
that there's something in ourown heart that needs to be paid
attention to.
Let's break down how we can getfrom he's doing that wrong to a
problem with us.
He's never going to get it.
My way is right or better.
Each of these thoughts exposewhat matters to us.
They reveal our level ofperfection, our measuring stick.
(06:44):
They reveal our level ofperfection, our measuring stick,
our standard, and, when boileddown, our standards are really
just what we expect.
What we expect often turns intoa demand.
Our demands reveal what we feelwe have a right to, and what we
feel we have a right to is whatwe think we have to have in
order to be satisfied andfulfilled and happy.
(07:05):
What we think will make ushappy is what we place in the
highest priority in our life,and that becomes what we worship
, basically, what we allow tocontrol our lives and our homes.
The progression goes like thiswe start with standards, that
moves into expectations, demands, rights, priority and finally
(07:26):
worship.
And we're going to touch on allof these, but I want to
specifically highlight standards, expectations and worship.
Today, this progression is sokey to understand, because when
we're denied what we think willmake us happy, that's when those
unhappy thoughts about ourhusband begin to sneak in,
thoughts that may or may not beentirely true, depending on
(07:48):
whose standard they're beingmeasured against.
So if it all starts with thestandard, our benchmark for the
way we think things should be,then let's examine that for a
minute.
Where did your measuring stickcome from?
For me, sometimes it goes backto the way that I was raised.
Perfection was the standard,and sometimes that bleeds into
my marriage and my home.
(08:09):
My standard can also beextremely swayed by friends,
culture, society and what I'mtold is the best way for doing
something that becomes astandard I adopt with no
questions asked sometimes.
Where does my ideal come fromfor a perfect home life,
marriage, children, career, bankaccount, body, hair routine,
(08:31):
sunday morning sleeping schedule, eating plan or whatever?
Come from?
Where do these things come from?
Don't let this go in one earand out the other.
Today I really want you to taketime to examine each of these
aspects of your life with anopen heart before God.
A big one for me as a Christianis I tend toward legalism
(08:52):
rather than grace, and that'sdefinitely something I have to
watch out for in what I'mexpecting from David, am I
asking him to perform and, if so, what's my goal?
Sometimes it's to be in control, because I think I know best.
Control is a big one, I think,for all of us, especially when
it comes to something thatmatters to us.
When we're parenting thatmatters, so we want to make sure
(09:15):
it's done right.
When the kids are out of thehome, it can become the house
that matters, everything doneour way.
A lot of us fall prey to keepingup with appearances, no matter
what stage of life we're in, andJesus speaks pretty plainly
about this in Matthew, chapter23,.
Not just cleaning the outsideof the cup to look good to
others the picture of a perfectmarriage or family or whatever
(09:38):
but working on what's on theinside.
The biggest problem for me withthis one is that I end up
demanding that my family help memake sure we appear just so to
others.
So what matters to you?
What are your standards?
A good way to find out is towatch your reaction and
especially your thoughts whenwhat matters to you is put on
(09:59):
the back burner by someone else,namely your husband.
You know, if we wanted to, wecould even take it one step
further still and see that ourstandards come from our beliefs.
For example, if I believe thatGod will love me more when I
perform, I pass that on to myrelationship with David and I
turn our relationship into alegalistic one.
If I believe I know best, I'mgoing to push for my agenda
(10:23):
every single time.
So now the progression goeslike this Beliefs, standards,
expectations, demands, rights,priorities and finally, worship.
Following closely on the heelsof standards comes expectations,
really those unmet expectations.
So let's talk about that for aminute.
Not filtered through the lensof God's word, expectations can
(10:47):
turn into something that reallygnaws away at the foundation of
our relationship.
It quickly divides us.
These thoughts are ones I'vehad and the girls I polled said
were true for them as well.
Number one, I wish he would.
Number two were true for themas well.
Number one, I wish he would.
Number two why doesn't he justand why am I the only one?
(11:07):
Whoever, those are allexpectations.
So when was the last time youfound yourself fuming inside
because your husband didn't meetyour expectations?
It could be as simple as theway he changed the diaper to the
fact that you've asked him adozen times to do something and
he hasn't shown any interest infollowing through.
Or maybe it's something moreserious, like the way he's
parenting your teenagers, or notspiritually, leading anywhere
(11:30):
near to what you would like Inthe progression of beliefs,
standards, expectations, demands, rights, priorities and worship
.
Where would you peg yourself inthe last mantra of thoughts
you've had running through yourmind about your husband?
Where are you at on thatspectrum?
Think about it for a minute.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows to keep.
Dot com.
Vows to keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
What was the last thing that really irked you
about what they said or did ormaybe most of the time didn't do
?
Are your standards, andtherefore your expectations,
just now getting set by someoneor something?
You've recently been immersingyourself in a blog, a show, a
group of friends, something yousteer towards on social media.
Did your heartburn over thatfrustrating situation with him
(12:28):
stem from him not followingthrough on something you
demanded?
Even if your demands weren't inthe form of shouting maybe they
were more like sighing,ignoring, slamming the door, not
giving affection until you gotwhat you wanted Was the first
feeling you had after he missedthe boat on one of your
expectations, one of pride.
I deserve to get that from him,whatever the that is.
(12:51):
Am I upset because his priorityoutweighed mine and now it's a
tug of war to see whoseexpectation will win?
Or maybe you're not in themiddle of this progression at
all.
You're all the way on the end,a place all of us are going to
find ourselves.
When we use our standard toguide our lives and measure our
spouse by.
We're going to get into worshipterritory, and that's dangerous
(13:14):
because now, all of a sudden,we're not living for God and his
eternal kingdom we're livingfor us.
We're so wrapped up ineverything going the way we
think it should go.
We begin to make our picture ofperfect a priority over
everything else and, believe me,it can start so small that you
don't even realize it'shappening.
That's how it was with me, andyou can listen to part one of
(13:36):
this series to hear some of mystory on this.
My pastor just taught recentlyon the golden calf in Exodus 32.
And when I read that storyabout how Moses went up on the
mountain, he met with God andGod gave him these 10
commandments, I really see God'slove for his people, israel.
And then I see the sillyIsraelites.
They're at the bottom of themountain, they're getting
(13:57):
impatient while Moses is goneand they demand that an idol be
made so that they can not onlyworship it but put their trust
in it to lead them to what theyreally want.
They want the promised land.
And in my humanness I shake myhead at their stupidity.
Really, like the one, true Godhas delivered you from a life of
slavery in Egypt.
And the second, you don't getwhat you want when you want it.
(14:19):
You make a cow out of gold andworship it.
Yep, that's what happened?
Belief that God wasn't enoughcaused them to set a new
standard, just like we do.
They altered everything theirexpectations, their rights and
what they worshiped, and I thinkwe've done the same thing.
I get so wrapped up in my life'sspecifications that I don't
(14:42):
realize I'm not growing in mypersonal relationship with God,
nor is my marriage gettinghealthy.
In fact, I'm planting poisonousweeds in the name of what I
think is best, whether theissues are big or small, whether
your husband is guilty or notguilty.
If you and I want to harvestrighteousness, build up our
(15:02):
marriage and not tear it downwith our thoughts, we need truth
from God's word.
Whatever I've set up mystandards and expectations to be
, and whatever belief they stemfrom, I need to surrender them
to the Lord.
I need to come before God andlay down what I think are my
rights and ask him to till upthe soil in my heart and mind
and make it fresh with his truth.
I need to confess that I'vebeen planting poisonous thought
(15:24):
weeds that I now see have beenchoking the health of my
marriage.
Lord, please help us.
Help us to be humble before youand confess that your way is
better than ours, even in thethings like when winning our way
in the moment doesn't seem likeit's going to matter in the
grand scheme of things.
Help us to make you and yourword the standard that we live
by.
Lord, align my expectations ofmy husband with your
(15:47):
expectations of him and allow meto be a tool in his life to
help him become more like youand God.
Help my heart to haveallegiance only to you and not
what I think is the right way.
As you probably know fromreading the Old Testament, the
golden calf was just one of themany times that the Israelites
turned to worshiping otherthings.
In Deuteronomy 6 and 7, theywere just about to enter into
(16:11):
the promised land and God isgiving them some final
instructions he knows they needto hear.
Hey, you're going to want to goback to thinking that you know
best, but this time, follow mycommands.
Remember, I've been there foryou all this time.
Remember what I rescued youfrom.
I've got awesome things waitingup ahead, but you've got to put
me above you to get thoseblessings.
Of course I'm paraphrasing here.
(16:32):
God reiterates what he's sayingto them in Deuteronomy 7, 9.
He says this is my name.
I am El Hane.
Amen.
I cannot say that in Hebrew, butthat's okay.
It means the faithful God.
It means to support and nourish.
It's a term like a lovingparent who draws their child to
their chest and whispers intheir ear I've got you, you're
(16:54):
safe, I'll take care ofeverything.
You can picture that scene,because you long to be held like
that.
Or you are a mama and yourheart is full for your child.
You want them to know thatthey're precious to you, even
when they don't do the rightthing.
God also calls himself ElShaddai, the all-sufficient God.
That name for God is found 48places in scripture, probably
(17:17):
one of the most recognizableHebrew names of God, el Shaddai.
The direct translation is he'sthe almighty God, the God of
more than enough.
It's also interpreted themighty one to nourish.
He's teaching us that he's notjust a knight on a white horse
who rides in at the lastpossible moment to give us what
we need.
No, he is a provider, someonewilling to do the hard work over
(17:39):
the long haul because hecherishes us.
In the last two episodes in thisseries on Vows to Keep Radio,
we studied how the names of Godare so important to us,
replacing negative thoughts withwhat we should be thinking when
I feel unseen by my husband, Ican call on El Roy, the God who
sees me.
When I feel like I can't loveanymore, I can turn to El Salih,
(18:03):
the God of my strength.
He's my rock.
I can't love anymore.
I can turn to El Sali, the Godof my strength.
He's my rock.
When my prejudgment and myprejudice against my spouse
overwhelms my emotions, I callon El Chanun, the gracious God,
who longs to change my heart andteach me how he feels about me.
Today.
Let's turn to God, our ElShaddai, our El Hane'emen, the
faithful God, our El Shaddai,our El Hanayim, the faithful God
(18:23):
, the God of more than enough,knowing that we don't need to
provide for ourselves bydemanding our standards and
expectations be followed to theT.
Our El Shaddai is Almighty God.
He is capable of providing forus in those big things that our
husband doesn't seem to haveinterest in doing.
Our El Hanayim is our faithfulGod, who knows exactly what we
(18:44):
need.
In the little moments when ourfrustration rises, when our
spouse doesn't help with thekids or give us the love we
expect or the love that we need,how do we make the transition
from our demands to running intothe arms of God, asking him to
meet our needs and not ourhusband's.
Trust has to come first everytime.
(19:04):
That's what God was asking theIsraelites to do in Deuteronomy
6 and 7.
Remember how I've given youeverything you needed in the
past.
Trust that I'll do it again andagain.
Don't try to make your own way.
Follow my way and you'll trulybe in the promised land.
This is pivotal stuff.
Don't miss this point that youand I need to come before God
(19:27):
one-on-one and not just kneel athis feet in total surrender,
but also to look up into hiseyes and see that sweet
invitation to jump into his arms.
It's easiest to do this when wedo it daily.
Make it a habit to call out toyour faithful God and to thank
him.
A heart of gratefulness for whoGod is, his unchanging nature,
(19:47):
is going to give you a peacethat I think you and I are
looking for.
We don't have to run around likechickens with our heads cut off
, searching, seeking, demandingthat our standards be met.
God already knows exactly whatwe need, our real needs, not
what we think will make us happy.
He's not going to give ussomething that's going to take
his place of priority in ourhearts, but he will always meet
(20:08):
the true needs of our heart andour life.
Remember those poisonousthoughts.
He's not doing it the way Iasked.
Why am I the only one who ever?
Why doesn't he just?
I want to surrender thosethoughts so that God can grow a
harvest of righteousness in mymarriage.
If you're ready to replace thosethoughts, here's a direct way
you can begin doing that today.
(20:30):
Have a servant's heart towardsyour husband, knowing God's
intent towards you.
Now you can mirror that in yourmarriage.
Look for ways to nourish yourmarriage, to come alongside him
as a helpmate, to not demandyour way or think that you know
best.
If we're not consumed withgetting things our way, we'll be
looking to God to make us happy, and that's going to free up
(20:50):
the soil of our marriage to be aplace where healthy seeds can
be planted.
Here's just a small side notebefore we end.
If you're having heartburn oversomething that God is asking of
your husband, if God is askinghim to be obedient in whatever
it is and he's being stubborn orhardheaded, you're in a perfect
spot in his life Not to judgehim, not to berate him, not to
(21:12):
nag him, but God can use you inhis life right now to nourish
him, to come alongside him withthe word of God, with grace and
with truth.
God may be asking you to workhard to provide what your
husband needs in the exactmoment that he's being
mule-headed.
It may not be well-received, itmost likely won't be in the
moment, but remember this isn'tyou demanding your way, this
(21:36):
isn't your standards and yourexpectations being met.
This is you helping yourhusband to run into the arms of
his provider, his El Shaddai.
Whenever any of us disobey, weare believing that God won't
supply or that what he giveswill be insufficient.
Sin boils down to us providingfor ourselves.
You're going to do it often.
(21:58):
Your husband is no different.
Only Jesus believed perfectly.
We're striving to become likehim, so strive next to your
husband.
I'm going to end by giving yousome homework today, and I'm
going to put this in the shownotes as well.
This will be in the freeresource I'm going to offer to
you at the end of this broadcast.
(22:19):
Read Romans, chapter 6, 11through 23, and Deuteronomy 7, 1
through 10, and Romans 7, 3through 6.
The thoughts we dwell on comeback to the condition of our
hearts.
It all boils down to a matterof allegiance.
Are we a slave to self, to sinor to God?
Am I my standard for my husbandto live up to, or will I make
(22:44):
God's word my standard and trustmy El Shaddai to give me what I
need?
Let Hosea 10-12 minister toyour heart and build your faith,
and look for the next episodeof your self-talk about your
husband could be ruining yourrelationship.
Sow righteousness foryourselves, reap the fruit of
unfailing love and break up yourunplowed ground, for it is time
(23:06):
to seek the Lord until he comesand showers his righteousness
on you.
Our hearts have been hard,haven't they?
They haven't been plowed up.
So let's renew our minds so wecan produce that good crop.
Let's plant the seeds of truthso that we can harvest the fruit
of God's faithful love.
Like that verse from Hosea 10said, it's time to trust the
(23:27):
Lord to provide for you, andwhen you do, you'll see a
harvest of righteousness is sownin peace by those who make
peace.
Hi, this is Tracy from Vows toKeep Radio.
We're asking you to help usbecome fully funded so Vows to
Keep has the financial resourcesto keep sharing hope with
marriages like yours.
God is growing this ministrytremendously and the testimonies
(23:49):
we hear confirm that God's worddoes not return void.
Right now we need an additional$6,500 a month.
Would you consider becoming amonthly partner with us to build
biblically healthy marriages?
We're asking 100 families togive $50 a month and 60 families
to give $25 a month.
Prayerfully, make your bestgift at vowstokeepcom.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:34):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
No-transcript.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast designed for
(00:29):
your marriage.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Now here's David and Tracy with today's broadcast.
At one point or another, we'veall had these thoughts about our
husbands.
He's not doing it the way Iasked him to.
He's never going to get itright, so I'll just have to deal
with it.
Why doesn't he just fill in theblank?
Why am I the only one who ever?
I polled a group of women whowere exceptionally honest with
me about the thoughts they werehaving about their husbands, and
it didn't take long to realizewe're all in the same boat,
(00:50):
thinking things we know mightnot be entirely true, but these
ugly thoughts rear their headsmore often than we might admit
to Today.
On part three of your self-talkabout your husband could be
ruining your relationship.
We're going to study God's word.
We're going to see what weshould be thinking, even when
our hubby doesn't come up tosnuff.
We're going to really get agood handle on what we should be
(01:13):
replacing these thoughts withand how all of this will
profoundly impact our marriages.
Find out how you can set yourmarriage on a new trajectory
just by changing the way youthink about your husband.
On today's episode of Vows toKeep Radio, the show where you
get sound biblical counsel thatyou can apply immediately to
your marriage.
(01:33):
I'm your host, traci.
Sellers of Vows to Keep.
David and I are biblicalmarriage counselors, authors,
teachers, podcast hosts, radiohosts and conference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
The thoughts we allow to lingerin our minds, the ones we chew
on throughout the day, the flawsof our spouse that we tend to
(01:55):
fixate on, are powerful forcesin our relationship.
Thoughts have a way of seemingbenign.
What harm can they do?
No one sees what I'm thinkingand I never share these things
out loud.
No harm, no foul right.
But thoughts are like seeds inthe garden of our minds seeds of
choking, harmful weeds thatwill crowd out anything good.
(02:17):
Or they could be seeds that aregoing to bring joy and peace
into our homes.
Make no mistake your thought.
Life matters tremendously, andit's something that God
addresses in his word over andover again.
Think of your marriage like agreenhouse or a garden.
Your heart and mind is the soil.
Your thoughts are the seeds.
What you harvest for yourmarriage is in direct
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correlation to the deepest partsof you that no one can see.
I've noticed in my own lifethat when I have negative
thoughts about David, I'minviting them actually to gain
mastery over my emotions.
Soon, I find the way that Ifeel is controlling my attitude
and my conversations with Davidand I begin to reap what I've
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sown.
Galatians 6 is what I'mreferring to here.
Reaping what you sow is notjust a little catch phrase of
our generation.
It's a promise from God himselfthat we can do things that will
give us the outcome we'relooking for, or things that are
going to lead us down a road wewould never purposefully choose.
It all depends on what we sow.
Verses 8 and 9 of Galatians 6explain it a little bit further.
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Those who live only to satisfytheir own sinful nature, it says
, will harvest decay and deathfrom that sinful nature.
But those who live to pleasethe Spirit will harvest
everlasting life from the Spirit.
When my husband is not doingwhat I've asked or the way that
I asked and it's affecting me insome way, I feel I have the
right to indulge in a littleself-pity, maybe a little
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self-righteousness, maybe even alittle selfishness.
I mean, come on, he's beenneglectful on something
important for the last year andI'm tired of it.
If I continue in these thoughts, though.
My marriage is going to reapsome form of destruction.
It might not be divorce, we mayeven still get along most of
the time, but the roots arebecoming rotten and the leaves
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of our marriage are withering,when there's nothing good
between us anymore.
I need to look at what I'vebeen sowing.
This may be hard to hear, butwe both need it.
Today, when I'm allowing hisshortcomings to set my emotions
for the rest of the day or theweek or the year, I am
satisfying my sinful nature.
I'm not planting seeds offorgiveness.
(04:30):
I'm justifying my thoughtsbased upon my standards, not
God's.
I love how James 3.18 shows usthe opposite side of the coin
about this topic.
It says a harvest ofrighteousness is sown in peace
by those who make peace.
I really hope you hear my heartfor you in this topic today.
I am in the same boat as you.
(04:50):
My mind is not impenetrable toSatan's lies or tricks, and
neither is yours.
We not only have to stay alertto the thoughts that are
scrolling through our mind,where they come from, if they
belong, whether they're true ornot.
We also need to know what to dowith them, and that's where
we're going to spend the rest ofour time here together.
Today, on Vows to Keep Radio,we're going to identify the
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thoughts, how they poison ourmarriage, what we need to
believe instead, how our newbelief is going to lead to
truthful thought and the harvestthat we can expect in our
marriage just by changing theway that we think.
Let's look at two schools ofthought we have about our
husbands and as we go, I thinkwe'll see how much they're going
(05:35):
to dovetail into each other.
First are the thoughts thatI'll put this heading on.
Okay, he's doing that wrong.
My friends told me thesethoughts are common for them.
He's never going to get it, soI'll just have to deal with it.
That's not how I would do it.
My way is better, and he's notdoing it the way that I would.
He's not doing it the way Iasked him to.
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Is he deaf or dumb?
He just doesn't get it.
He might be asking yeah, but ifthese thoughts are true, then
how can I not think them?
Rather than narrowing our focuson whether he is or is not
doing what we've asked, or doingsomething the way we prefer,
let's look at us for just aminute.
When thoughts like these pop up, that doesn't necessarily mean
(06:20):
that our husband doesn't need tochange, but they are a clue
that there's something in ourown heart that needs to be paid
attention to.
Let's break down how we can getfrom he's doing that wrong to a
problem with us.
He's never going to get it.
My way is right or better.
Each of these thoughts exposewhat matters to us.
They reveal our level ofperfection, our measuring stick.
(06:44):
They reveal our level ofperfection, our measuring stick,
our standard, and, when boileddown, our standards are really
just what we expect.
What we expect often turns intoa demand.
Our demands reveal what we feelwe have a right to, and what we
feel we have a right to is whatwe think we have to have in
order to be satisfied andfulfilled and happy.
(07:05):
What we think will make ushappy is what we place in the
highest priority in our life,and that becomes what we worship
, basically, what we allow tocontrol our lives and our homes.
The progression goes like thiswe start with standards, that
moves into expectations, demands, rights, priority and finally
(07:26):
worship.
And we're going to touch on allof these, but I want to
specifically highlight standards, expectations and worship.
Today, this progression is sokey to understand, because when
we're denied what we think willmake us happy, that's when those
unhappy thoughts about ourhusband begin to sneak in,
thoughts that may or may not beentirely true, depending on
(07:48):
whose standard they're beingmeasured against.
So if it all starts with thestandard, our benchmark for the
way we think things should be,then let's examine that for a
minute.
Where did your measuring stickcome from?
For me, sometimes it goes backto the way that I was raised.
Perfection was the standard,and sometimes that bleeds into
my marriage and my home.
(08:09):
My standard can also beextremely swayed by friends,
culture, society and what I'mtold is the best way for doing
something that becomes astandard I adopt with no
questions asked sometimes.
Where does my ideal come fromfor a perfect home life,
marriage, children, career, bankaccount, body, hair routine,
(08:31):
sunday morning sleeping schedule, eating plan or whatever?
Come from?
Where do these things come from?
Don't let this go in one earand out the other.
Today I really want you to taketime to examine each of these
aspects of your life with anopen heart before God.
A big one for me as a Christianis I tend toward legalism
(08:52):
rather than grace, and that'sdefinitely something I have to
watch out for in what I'mexpecting from David, am I
asking him to perform and, if so, what's my goal?
Sometimes it's to be in control, because I think I know best.
Control is a big one, I think,for all of us, especially when
it comes to something thatmatters to us.
When we're parenting thatmatters, so we want to make sure
(09:15):
it's done right.
When the kids are out of thehome, it can become the house
that matters, everything doneour way.
A lot of us fall prey to keepingup with appearances, no matter
what stage of life we're in, andJesus speaks pretty plainly
about this in Matthew, chapter23,.
Not just cleaning the outsideof the cup to look good to
others the picture of a perfectmarriage or family or whatever
(09:38):
but working on what's on theinside.
The biggest problem for me withthis one is that I end up
demanding that my family help memake sure we appear just so to
others.
So what matters to you?
What are your standards?
A good way to find out is towatch your reaction and
especially your thoughts whenwhat matters to you is put on
(09:59):
the back burner by someone else,namely your husband.
You know, if we wanted to, wecould even take it one step
further still and see that ourstandards come from our beliefs.
For example, if I believe thatGod will love me more when I
perform, I pass that on to myrelationship with David and I
turn our relationship into alegalistic one.
If I believe I know best, I'mgoing to push for my agenda
(10:23):
every single time.
So now the progression goeslike this Beliefs, standards,
expectations, demands, rights,priorities and finally, worship.
Following closely on the heelsof standards comes expectations,
really those unmet expectations.
So let's talk about that for aminute.
Not filtered through the lensof God's word, expectations can
(10:47):
turn into something that reallygnaws away at the foundation of
our relationship.
It quickly divides us.
These thoughts are ones I'vehad and the girls I polled said
were true for them as well.
Number one, I wish he would.
Number two were true for themas well.
Number one, I wish he would.
Number two why doesn't he justand why am I the only one?
(11:07):
Whoever, those are allexpectations.
So when was the last time youfound yourself fuming inside
because your husband didn't meetyour expectations?
It could be as simple as theway he changed the diaper to the
fact that you've asked him adozen times to do something and
he hasn't shown any interest infollowing through.
Or maybe it's something moreserious, like the way he's
parenting your teenagers, or notspiritually, leading anywhere
(11:30):
near to what you would like Inthe progression of beliefs,
standards, expectations, demands, rights, priorities and worship
.
Where would you peg yourself inthe last mantra of thoughts
you've had running through yourmind about your husband?
Where are you at on thatspectrum?
Think about it for a minute.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows to keep.
Dot com.
Vows to keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
What was the last thing that really irked you
about what they said or did ormaybe most of the time didn't do
?
Are your standards, andtherefore your expectations,
just now getting set by someoneor something?
You've recently been immersingyourself in a blog, a show, a
group of friends, something yousteer towards on social media.
Did your heartburn over thatfrustrating situation with him
(12:28):
stem from him not followingthrough on something you
demanded?
Even if your demands weren't inthe form of shouting maybe they
were more like sighing,ignoring, slamming the door, not
giving affection until you gotwhat you wanted Was the first
feeling you had after he missedthe boat on one of your
expectations, one of pride.
I deserve to get that from him,whatever the that is.
(12:51):
Am I upset because his priorityoutweighed mine and now it's a
tug of war to see whoseexpectation will win?
Or maybe you're not in themiddle of this progression at
all.
You're all the way on the end,a place all of us are going to
find ourselves.
When we use our standard toguide our lives and measure our
spouse by.
We're going to get into worshipterritory, and that's dangerous
(13:14):
because now, all of a sudden,we're not living for God and his
eternal kingdom we're livingfor us.
We're so wrapped up ineverything going the way we
think it should go.
We begin to make our picture ofperfect a priority over
everything else and, believe me,it can start so small that you
don't even realize it'shappening.
That's how it was with me, andyou can listen to part one of
(13:36):
this series to hear some of mystory on this.
My pastor just taught recentlyon the golden calf in Exodus 32.
And when I read that storyabout how Moses went up on the
mountain, he met with God andGod gave him these 10
commandments, I really see God'slove for his people, israel.
And then I see the sillyIsraelites.
They're at the bottom of themountain, they're getting
(13:57):
impatient while Moses is goneand they demand that an idol be
made so that they can not onlyworship it but put their trust
in it to lead them to what theyreally want.
They want the promised land.
And in my humanness I shake myhead at their stupidity.
Really, like the one, true Godhas delivered you from a life of
slavery in Egypt.
And the second, you don't getwhat you want when you want it.
(14:19):
You make a cow out of gold andworship it.
Yep, that's what happened?
Belief that God wasn't enoughcaused them to set a new
standard, just like we do.
They altered everything theirexpectations, their rights and
what they worshiped, and I thinkwe've done the same thing.
I get so wrapped up in my life'sspecifications that I don't
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realize I'm not growing in mypersonal relationship with God,
nor is my marriage gettinghealthy.
In fact, I'm planting poisonousweeds in the name of what I
think is best, whether theissues are big or small, whether
your husband is guilty or notguilty.
If you and I want to harvestrighteousness, build up our
(15:02):
marriage and not tear it downwith our thoughts, we need truth
from God's word.
Whatever I've set up mystandards and expectations to be
, and whatever belief they stemfrom, I need to surrender them
to the Lord.
I need to come before God andlay down what I think are my
rights and ask him to till upthe soil in my heart and mind
and make it fresh with his truth.
I need to confess that I'vebeen planting poisonous thought
(15:24):
weeds that I now see have beenchoking the health of my
marriage.
Lord, please help us.
Help us to be humble before youand confess that your way is
better than ours, even in thethings like when winning our way
in the moment doesn't seem likeit's going to matter in the
grand scheme of things.
Help us to make you and yourword the standard that we live
by.
Lord, align my expectations ofmy husband with your
(15:47):
expectations of him and allow meto be a tool in his life to
help him become more like youand God.
Help my heart to haveallegiance only to you and not
what I think is the right way.
As you probably know fromreading the Old Testament, the
golden calf was just one of themany times that the Israelites
turned to worshiping otherthings.
In Deuteronomy 6 and 7, theywere just about to enter into
(16:11):
the promised land and God isgiving them some final
instructions he knows they needto hear.
Hey, you're going to want to goback to thinking that you know
best, but this time, follow mycommands.
Remember, I've been there foryou all this time.
Remember what I rescued youfrom.
I've got awesome things waitingup ahead, but you've got to put
me above you to get thoseblessings.
Of course I'm paraphrasing here.
(16:32):
God reiterates what he's sayingto them in Deuteronomy 7, 9.
He says this is my name.
I am El Hane.
Amen.
I cannot say that in Hebrew, butthat's okay.
It means the faithful God.
It means to support and nourish.
It's a term like a lovingparent who draws their child to
their chest and whispers intheir ear I've got you, you're
(16:54):
safe, I'll take care ofeverything.
You can picture that scene,because you long to be held like
that.
Or you are a mama and yourheart is full for your child.
You want them to know thatthey're precious to you, even
when they don't do the rightthing.
God also calls himself ElShaddai, the all-sufficient God.
That name for God is found 48places in scripture, probably
(17:17):
one of the most recognizableHebrew names of God, el Shaddai.
The direct translation is he'sthe almighty God, the God of
more than enough.
It's also interpreted themighty one to nourish.
He's teaching us that he's notjust a knight on a white horse
who rides in at the lastpossible moment to give us what
we need.
No, he is a provider, someonewilling to do the hard work over
(17:39):
the long haul because hecherishes us.
In the last two episodes in thisseries on Vows to Keep Radio,
we studied how the names of Godare so important to us,
replacing negative thoughts withwhat we should be thinking when
I feel unseen by my husband, Ican call on El Roy, the God who
sees me.
When I feel like I can't loveanymore, I can turn to El Salih,
(18:03):
the God of my strength.
He's my rock.
I can't love anymore.
I can turn to El Sali, the Godof my strength.
He's my rock.
When my prejudgment and myprejudice against my spouse
overwhelms my emotions, I callon El Chanun, the gracious God,
who longs to change my heart andteach me how he feels about me.
Today.
Let's turn to God, our ElShaddai, our El Hane'emen, the
faithful God, our El Shaddai,our El Hanayim, the faithful God
(18:23):
, the God of more than enough,knowing that we don't need to
provide for ourselves bydemanding our standards and
expectations be followed to theT.
Our El Shaddai is Almighty God.
He is capable of providing forus in those big things that our
husband doesn't seem to haveinterest in doing.
Our El Hanayim is our faithfulGod, who knows exactly what we
(18:44):
need.
In the little moments when ourfrustration rises, when our
spouse doesn't help with thekids or give us the love we
expect or the love that we need,how do we make the transition
from our demands to running intothe arms of God, asking him to
meet our needs and not ourhusband's.
Trust has to come first everytime.
(19:04):
That's what God was asking theIsraelites to do in Deuteronomy
6 and 7.
Remember how I've given youeverything you needed in the
past.
Trust that I'll do it again andagain.
Don't try to make your own way.
Follow my way and you'll trulybe in the promised land.
This is pivotal stuff.
Don't miss this point that youand I need to come before God
(19:27):
one-on-one and not just kneel athis feet in total surrender,
but also to look up into hiseyes and see that sweet
invitation to jump into his arms.
It's easiest to do this when wedo it daily.
Make it a habit to call out toyour faithful God and to thank
him.
A heart of gratefulness for whoGod is, his unchanging nature,
(19:47):
is going to give you a peacethat I think you and I are
looking for.
We don't have to run around likechickens with our heads cut off
, searching, seeking, demandingthat our standards be met.
God already knows exactly whatwe need, our real needs, not
what we think will make us happy.
He's not going to give ussomething that's going to take
his place of priority in ourhearts, but he will always meet
(20:08):
the true needs of our heart andour life.
Remember those poisonousthoughts.
He's not doing it the way Iasked.
Why am I the only one who ever?
Why doesn't he just?
I want to surrender thosethoughts so that God can grow a
harvest of righteousness in mymarriage.
If you're ready to replace thosethoughts, here's a direct way
you can begin doing that today.
(20:30):
Have a servant's heart towardsyour husband, knowing God's
intent towards you.
Now you can mirror that in yourmarriage.
Look for ways to nourish yourmarriage, to come alongside him
as a helpmate, to not demandyour way or think that you know
best.
If we're not consumed withgetting things our way, we'll be
looking to God to make us happy, and that's going to free up
(20:50):
the soil of our marriage to be aplace where healthy seeds can
be planted.
Here's just a small side notebefore we end.
If you're having heartburn oversomething that God is asking of
your husband, if God is askinghim to be obedient in whatever
it is and he's being stubborn orhardheaded, you're in a perfect
spot in his life Not to judgehim, not to berate him, not to
(21:12):
nag him, but God can use you inhis life right now to nourish
him, to come alongside him withthe word of God, with grace and
with truth.
God may be asking you to workhard to provide what your
husband needs in the exactmoment that he's being
mule-headed.
It may not be well-received, itmost likely won't be in the
moment, but remember this isn'tyou demanding your way, this
(21:36):
isn't your standards and yourexpectations being met.
This is you helping yourhusband to run into the arms of
his provider, his El Shaddai.
Whenever any of us disobey, weare believing that God won't
supply or that what he giveswill be insufficient.
Sin boils down to us providingfor ourselves.
You're going to do it often.
(21:58):
Your husband is no different.
Only Jesus believed perfectly.
We're striving to become likehim, so strive next to your
husband.
I'm going to end by giving yousome homework today, and I'm
going to put this in the shownotes as well.
This will be in the freeresource I'm going to offer to
you at the end of this broadcast.
(22:19):
Read Romans, chapter 6, 11through 23, and Deuteronomy 7, 1
through 10, and Romans 7, 3through 6.
The thoughts we dwell on comeback to the condition of our
hearts.
It all boils down to a matterof allegiance.
Are we a slave to self, to sinor to God?
Am I my standard for my husbandto live up to, or will I make
(22:44):
God's word my standard and trustmy El Shaddai to give me what I
need?
Let Hosea 10-12 minister toyour heart and build your faith,
and look for the next episodeof your self-talk about your
husband could be ruining yourrelationship.
Sow righteousness foryourselves, reap the fruit of
unfailing love and break up yourunplowed ground, for it is time
(23:06):
to seek the Lord until he comesand showers his righteousness
on you.
Our hearts have been hard,haven't they?
They haven't been plowed up.
So let's renew our minds so wecan produce that good crop.
Let's plant the seeds of truthso that we can harvest the fruit
of God's faithful love.
Like that verse from Hosea 10said, it's time to trust the
(23:27):
Lord to provide for you, andwhen you do, you'll see a
harvest of righteousness is sownin peace by those who make
peace.
Hi, this is Tracy from Vows toKeep Radio.
We're asking you to help usbecome fully funded so Vows to
Keep has the financial resourcesto keep sharing hope with
marriages like yours.
God is growing this ministrytremendously and the testimonies
(23:49):
we hear confirm that God's worddoes not return void.
Right now we need an additional$6,500 a month.
Would you consider becoming amonthly partner with us to build
biblically healthy marriages?
We're asking 100 families togive $50 a month and 60 families
to give $25 a month.
Prayerfully, make your bestgift at vowstokeepcom.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:34):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
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