Undoing the Pain of Sinful History in Marriage :: [Ep. 291]

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
Our history together is what binds us, but in
marriage it can be the verything that rips us in half.
When I lack the history withyou.
When you're nice at first, youknow I've got a blind trust for
you, but after years of beingtogether that history becomes
overwhelming evidence againstthat trust.

(00:45):
Is it possible that we can undoour history?
Can we wipe the slate clean?
Can you become one with someonethat you have so much history
with?
In other words, can two becomeone, drift fragment back into
two, only to honor God andactually become one again into

(01:07):
two, only to honor God andactually become one again?
Join me today on Vows to KeepRadio as we think about undoing
the pain of sinful history withour spouse.
We're going to unpack where thedivide comes from, why we have
to work to remove it and what todo differently so that we can
have healthy hearts and a sweetoneness in our marriage.

Speaker 3 (01:23):
You haven't traveled too far down this road to turn
around.
It is possible how?
Find out in today's episode ofVows to Keep Radio, the show
where you get sound biblicalcounsel you can apply
immediately to your marriage.
We're your hosts, David andTracy.
Sellers of Vows to Keep, Davidand I are biblical marriage
counselors, authors, teachers,podcast hosts, radio hosts and

(01:43):
conference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you are definitelyin the right place.

Speaker 2 (01:51):
Coming undone is something that marriages seem to
be doing all around us.
I don't know a single adult whohasn't witnessed it.
When I left home as an18-year-old boy, the tension in
my parents' marriage was gettinghard to deny.
Now I had seen many successfulyears, but as I was leaving home
, I feared for what was to come.

(02:11):
They would have disagreementsthat ended not with resolution
but with an escalating byplay offiery words.
They didn't swear at each other, but these exchanges ended
badly when, inevitably, oneperson walked away with that
same righteous honorary retreat,as if it was more noble for

(02:32):
them to stop than to actuallyconsider the biblical response
to the anger that was brewinginside them.
So the discussion was over, butthe problem was not.
It was silently added to therest of the problems that had
been left in the same situation.
The minor misunderstandingsbecame frustrations, which led

(02:54):
to pain and personal suffering,and then hardness and then
silence.
About all these topics.
There became a point wherebeing one seemed impossible.
Slowly, the ties of love werebeing undone.
The passion for each other wasbeing overcome by a desire to be

(03:15):
free.
About midway through thisprogression, couples see
themselves as having things likequote-unquote, communication
problems or intimacy problems,and I'm here to tell you that,
for most of them, communicationand intimacy are the least of
the worries.
Coming undone is, if it's notyou, who do you know that's on

(03:38):
that slippery slope of amarriage being undone.
They may not see the writing onthe wall, but you do.
You know this isn't going toend well.
What if we could undo the hurt,undo the divide?
What if we could right thewrongs and get back to being one
?
Most relationships start outwell.

(03:59):
It wasn't strained like this,always.
In fact, in the case of myparents, fundamentally the
problem wasn't that they didn'tlove each other or Jesus.
They both did.
The problem was a lack ofbiblical obedience, starting
with the smallest, littlestthings in their marriage.
Sin undealt with whether it'syour own sin or your spouse's

(04:20):
becomes a rock in your shoe that, sooner or later, is going to
cause you to limp.
It's going to cause you tomisstep.
Romans 6.23 says the wages ofsin is death.
It's a spiritual death thatwe're talking about, a death
that separates.
Sin separates and it puts anend to all that is good in our
marriage.
But God, in his grace, has asolution and that's what we're

(04:43):
going to talk about today.
Whether you're in the positionof needing forgiveness or you're
in that tight spot where youneed to forgive, maybe even
repeatedly.
What we have in store for youtoday is an action plan for
undoing the pain of the past.

(05:20):
He just throws his clothes onthe floor and expects some
clothes fairy to pick up afterhim.
If I work my butt off, and thismany years into our marriage, I
never have any money for thethings I want to do.

Speaker 3 (05:27):
The garbage doesn't haul itself and he thinks by
making a tower out of thegarbage he's freeing himself
from hauling it.

Speaker 2 (05:34):
She knows my needs.
She wouldn't take 15 minutes togive to me unless all the stars
aligned and the house was inperfect condition.
I feel worthless in my spouse'seyes, and that's offensive.
These kind of thoughts build inour lives.
So what comes next in our headsis justification.

(05:54):
This isn't what I signed up for.
I give, I get nothing in return.
I'm going to take it a littlemore easy and see if my spouse
realizes just how much I do forthem.
Maybe that'll make him care.

Speaker 3 (06:09):
I don't have a choice .
He's pushed me over the edge.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
Justification to make your actions dependent upon
your spouse rather than God.
Undoing to become one meansrealizing this marriage is a
covenant, it's not a contract.
Maybe I'm not intended to be aspectator to the change in my
spouse, but actually myselfbeing forced to change my view

(06:35):
to the degree that I'm actuallyuseful, being a tool in God's
hands for change in my spouse'slife.

Speaker 3 (06:43):
We're going to dig into this topic by taking a
flyover.
Look at the book of Micah.
Micah is in the Old Testament.
Let me tell you a little bitabout it.
Micah lived in a small town inthe southern kingdom of Judah
about the same time as Isaiah.
Israel had been violating theircovenant with their God and
Israel was split into two parts.
Micah warned the people thatGod wasn't going to let that

(07:04):
happen.
God would allow Assyria to takeout the northern kingdom and
even destroy Jerusalem.
Micah also warned them thatBabylon would bring an even
greater destruction.
A lot of this book is Micah'saccusations and warning of God's
judgment, but Micah also had amessage of hope that God would
bring restoration.
On the other side of hisjudgment, micah gets into a

(07:27):
fight with Israel's leaders.
He says that they becomewealthy through theft and greed
and Israel's leaders have runthe land through bribery.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
And this is actually not too different from the kinds
of issues we see as counselorsin marriage.
One takes from the other andthen it's a let's make a deal
bribery between a husband and awife.
In Micah.
They warn of how Jerusalem isgoing to fall and the temple
will be reduced to ruins.
Not good things here.
These are very stiff warnings,but they're not the final word

(07:59):
that we read in this book.
What I mean is that God bringsa promise of hope.
In chapter four it describes theimage of a ruined Jerusalem
temple.
Micah says this is not going tobe permanent.
Now we learn after the Assyrianattack, israel is going to be
conquered and exiled to Babylon,but from there God's going to

(08:20):
restore his people and bringthem back to their land.
In the new Jerusalem, a newking from the line of David will
come.
Jesus is what's actually beingrevealed here in Micah through a
prophecy spoken 700 yearsbefore Jesus would even come.
Now Micah is basicallydelivering this message If you

(08:40):
make bad decisions, you don'tneed the devil to ruin your life
.
Micah's message came in threeways, and each one begins with a
challenge to hear God.
All three times he moves fromconsequences of being
disobedient to a hope in God'srestoring power.
Micah 6.8 summarizes what itmeans for Israel to follow their

(09:01):
God.
He says what does the Lordrequire of you?
To act justly, to love mercyand to walk humbly with your God
.
This is exactly what Israel hasnot been doing, and so they're
going to come to ruin.
It doesn't have to be this way.
We can undo the past withconfession, repentance and,

(09:24):
finally, forgiveness.
The observations that Micahmakes you might be making in
your home.
You're married to a sinner.
So are they.
Whether you fight over money orsex or raising your kids, your
marriage history can be undone,bringing two back to one.

(09:44):
When sin runs rampant andhateful, hurtful words fly
across the room between ahusband and a wife, when
isolation is the norm, mostcouples are looking for a way to
undo their marriage rather thana way to redo their marriage.
Can I call you to a differentchallenge?
Now I get it.
Your heart is hurt and it'seasier to shut off the feelings,

(10:07):
to shut out the godly advice.
It's easier to harden yourheart.
Many would say why would I wantto reconcile to my spouse who
has done hurtful things to me?

Speaker 3 (10:21):
But maybe you're the one who does want things to be
redone with your spouse the kindof unity you used to have.
But try as you might, none ofyour attempts at biting your
tongue or voicing your feelingsholds any hope.
Let's get this truth out in theopen today.
Reconciliation begins at theheart level.
There will be no peace withyour spouse without addressing

(10:42):
first what's in your own heart.
And you might be thinking hey,I've been trying.
It's my spouse's heart thatneeds to change for this to work
.

Speaker 2 (10:51):
And I want your spouse's heart to change.
I don't want to defend them, Idon't even know them, but if
you're married, god wants you tostay married to that person.
You can't change their heart, Iknow that's true, but God can.
So in the meantime, model thelove of Christ to them and pray
for God to change your heart.
That's where undoing the hurtbegins with you now, not when

(11:15):
both of you are on the samepoint.
Maybe your wife is furtherbehind you in that thought
process of undoing your historyand becoming one again.
Don't wait for her to have aheart change before you do the
right thing.

Speaker 1 (11:29):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows2keepcom.
Vows to Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
Now you asked the question, I want to answer it.
Why would you want to reconcileto a spouse who's done hateful
and hurtful things to you?
Well, God puts the answer in 2Corinthians and it's here, plain
and simple.
2 Corinthians 5.15 says For thelove of Christ, controls and
compels us.
You know, Micah was actuallytrying to relay the costs and

(12:06):
benefits of being controlled byGod.
If you read the whole chapterof 2 Corinthians 5, we see the
gospel of Jesus for our ownhearts, but we also see the
saving gospel of Jesus for ourmarriages.

Speaker 3 (12:21):
I want you to think back to when you first became a
Christian.
When I first accepted Christ asmy Savior, I was just a little
girl.
I understood that I was asinner and I fessed up to the
fact that you know what.
I can't do anything about mysin, and someone took the time
to tell me how to become aChristian.
I took a little step thatbecame a giant leap from eternal
death into eternal life, simplybecause I heard truth, I

(12:46):
confessed and I believed.
It wasn't until a year or twointo our marriage before I had
been discipled to the point thatI realized that the good news
of my sins being forgiven wasn'tjust a one-time event to look
back on Daily.
I'm a sinner, so that meansdaily I need my Savior.
Jesus doesn't come for usbecause we're clean, pure people

(13:08):
.
He comes for me in the momentthat I'm at my worst.
It's his daily grace thatchanges me.
Now I can offer grace to myhusband, to others, as I
understand that I live and enjoythat same grace, that
relationship with God, everysingle moment of every single

(13:30):
day.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
It's with this mindset and an eye on God's
power for our own salvation thatwe realize that our marriages
can be reconciled.
Let me read from 2 Corinthians5.
It says for the love of christcontrols and compels us.
Since we believe that christdied for all, we also believe
that we have all died to our oldlife.
He died for everyone so thatthose who receive his new life

(13:55):
will no longer live forthemselves.
Instead, they will live forchrist, who died and was raised
for them.
So we've stopped evaluatingothers, our spouses included,
from a human point of view.
At one time we thought ofChrist merely from a human point
of view.
How differently we know him now.
Verse 17 says this means thatanyone who belongs to Christ has

(14:18):
become a new person, that oldlife is gone, a new life has
begun, and all of this is a giftfrom God, who brought us back
to himself through Christ.
And God has given us this taskof reconciling people to him,
and he gave us this wonderfulmessage of reconciliation

(14:38):
Because we're Christ'sambassadors.
God is making his appealthrough us.
We speak for Christ when weplead.
Come back to God, be reconciledto God, for God made Christ,
who never sinned, to be theoffering for our sin, so that we
could be made right with Godthrough Christ.

Speaker 3 (15:00):
This might hurt to hear, but it's only in our
sinful pride that we reject thismessage.
Pride says we would be happierapart from our spouse.
We foolishly look at our spousefrom our own point of view.
We plainly see their mistakestowards us.
But God asks us to exemplifyJesus to our spouse, to love
them like he loved us.

Speaker 2 (15:21):
To accept a check of our pride.
We were once far away, our sinhad separated us from God, but
God patiently waited for us toturn back to him and to accept
this free gift of salvation.
You don't have to make yourspouse pay for all the wrong
they've done to you.
Jesus paid that price.
He took the punishment for oursins upon himself, all of our

(15:44):
sins, all of the sins of yourspouse.
He took the punishment for oursins upon himself.
If we confess our sins, god isfaithful and just to forgive
your spouse.
Has that same offer being heldout to them that you did A
Savior who lived a perfect lifeso that he could die a
criminal's death in our place.

(16:05):
This is the light we need toshine in our spouse's life and
especially where we see sinaffecting our marriage.
And if they don't know Jesus asSavior, pray that God will open
the eyes of their heart to seeIf they are a believer but
they're blinded by their sin.
Pray that they would no longerbe deceived by the enemy.

(16:25):
Pray that their eyes, theirhearts would be enlightened to
the gospel once again, that theywould have the courage and the
humility to turn from their sin.
But can I ask you to not praythat selfishly for you, because
the pain that their sin createsin your life.
Replace your calls for freedomfrom all the junk in their life
with a heart that says use me,god, let me be used in their

(16:48):
life.
Change my actions, my thoughts,my words into what would honor
you, god.
Undoing the past of yourmarriage is actually a high
calling.
It is an honor.
There's never a situation sohorrible that blocks us from
being made right again.
There's no person with a sin sogrievous that God would turn

(17:12):
his back on that man or thatwoman.
Every person, every marriagecan be redone.

Speaker 3 (17:19):
So if undoing the past is possible for every heart
, every marriage, how do we getthere?
Here's what you need to walkaway with today.
Write this down Undoing thepast is first confession, then
repentance and finallyforgiveness.
As we talk through each ofthese today, I don't want you to
view each step with your spousein mind For a moment.

(17:41):
I want you to set aside theirmess and to look at what you're
called to do according to God'sword, despite what your spouse
chooses to do.

Speaker 2 (17:50):
The first step, as Tracy said, is confession.
James 5.17 says Confess yoursins to one another and you will
be healed when you're ready toseek reconciliation and you're
completely looking at only yoursins and not theirs.
Your confession to your spousewill specifically admit sins and
offenses that you have createdand specifically identify the

(18:14):
thoughts and the actions thatled up to it, as well as
acknowledge the hurt that youhave caused.
When your spouse sees that yourecognize your sin, you
recognize the impact.
It softens their heart, but youmight not see the fruit right
away.
At first.
They might point out how longit took you to get to this point
and, if that happens, hear themout.
Then continue to share withthem that your heart's desire is

(18:36):
to be made right with them andwith God.
Pray right then and there, withyour spouse as your witness.
Repent before God, asking forboth him and your spouse to
forgive.
This is powerful.
The second step is repentance.
Promising to get better is notrepentance.
Many people make a lifelonghabit of doing this.

(18:58):
Repentance instead.
It's a change of mind.
It's an intellectual experience.
It's also a change of feeling.
It's an emotional experience.
It's a change of purpose, achange of will.
It's a change of conduct.
Repentance is a divine gift.
This is what Romans 12.2 meanswhen it says Don't copy the

(19:21):
behavior and the customs of thisworld, but let God transform
you into a new person bychanging the way you think.
Repentance is recognizing thatyou're a sinner and your sin is
a rebellion against God and whathis word is asking you to do.
Repentance is an unyieldingturning to God and total

(19:42):
obedience.
I think it's tempting to seesin as small, especially when we
want to compare it to ourspouse's sin.
It's easy to believe that.
You know what.
I don't really need to repentof my small, little sin until
she repents of her much largersin.
But God's word tells us guesswhat we've all sinned and that

(20:06):
every sin is worthy of spiritualdeath.

Speaker 3 (20:11):
We're really bad at giving away something we don't
have.
Remember the verse we readearlier from 2 Corinthians 5.19?
It says God was reconciling theworld to himself in Christ, not
counting people's sins againstthem.
God enabled us to be one withhim through Jesus.
Jesus was the bridge betweenyou and God, and he's the bridge
between you and God, and he'sthe bridge between you and your

(20:33):
spouse.
In Hosea 3.1, we see this wordpicture that says the Lord said
to me go, show your love to yourwife again, though she is loved
by another man and is anadulteress.
Love her as the Lord loves theIsraelites.
This is a picture of Christbeing faithful to us in spite of
our sins.
It can be difficult in ourhumanness to even consider

(20:56):
forgiving our spouse, but God'sword calls us to nothing less
than just that forgiveness.
Forgiveness towards otherscomes when we remember how
loving and gracious, and slow toanger and abounding in
forgiveness, our God has been tous, and letting our renewed
awareness of God's love for uscompel us to forgive our spouse.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
It's in forgiveness that oneness will take shape.
Forgiveness is something thatmight need to be sought again
and again, just like in ourrelationships with God.
The reconciliation model wehave been given with Christ
gives us hope that you can havecomplete oneness in your
marriage.
So go to your spouse, confess,repent before God and ask for

(21:41):
forgiveness, and then watch andsee what the outcome is.
You're going to see yourmarriage start to be undone and
then redone.
And if your spouse comes to youand asks for forgiveness, be
ready and willing to extend whatwas extended to you.
Restoration comes from the handof the father, who binds up the

(22:02):
broken and builds what was torndown.
I love that passage out ofIsaiah 61.
Redoing your marriage will be aseason of rebuilding trust.
Respect resulted from applyinggod's truth.
Change is not instantaneous, sobe patient.
It's not enough to just knowthe truth of scripture.

(22:24):
They've got to be put intoaction.
James 2, 26 says it verybluntly faith without deeds is
dead.
When the vertical relationshipis in the place that it should
be, your horizontal relationshipwith each other will reap the
benefits your spouse may neverreciprocate.
In the meantime, you be the oneto undo the past and redo for

(22:48):
the future.
You pray for them.
Make it your goal to model yourSavior's love daily to your
spouse.
As we close today, god hasgiven you a ministry of
reconciliation.
The book of Micah ends with thispowerful note of hope.
Israel is being described as anindividual who's sitting alone

(23:08):
in shame and defeat, and it's aclear image of Israel's
destruction and exile that Micahhad warned them about.
And this individual is watchingfor God's mercy.
He's begging God to listen andforgive.
But why?
Why should God forgive thisfaithless and rebellious people?
The response in the text comesin the form of two reasons.

(23:33):
The first is God's character,who is a God like you, who
forgives sin and pardonsrebellion.
God's mercy is more powerfulthan his anger or his judgment.
And the second reason isbecause of God's promises.
It says you will stay true toJacob and show the covenant love
to Abraham you swore so longago.

(23:54):
Like God's covenant, ourcovenant in marriage is to be
maintained.
God's heartbeat is to bring youinto the right relationship
with him so that you can sharewhat he's given you within your
marriage and to the whole world.

Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services
of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to

(24:32):
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
And click on the donate link.

(24:57):
No-transcript.