July 21, 2025 • 24 mins
Your Words Matter: Why Your Husband Has Stopped Talking to You :: [Ep. 278]
Are you a wife who is longing for better communication with your husband but unsure of just how to get him talking more? Communication breakdown in marriages often stem from habitual habits that many wives have developed when it comes to communicating with their husbands which can cause husbands to disengage rather than drawing them into deeper conversation. By examining these sometimes destructive patterns and replacing them with biblical approaches focused on respect, humility, and patience, wives can create an environment where meaningful communication can flourish again.
We will cover the following in this week's episode:
• Evaluating wrong and right demands and their effects on the relationship
• Right demands (biblically sound desires) can still damage communication when not presented respectfully
• When passion about a topic increases, our respect must increase even more
• Ways that wives unknowingly communicate distrust in both God and their husbands
• Clothing yourself with patience, humility, and gentleness creates the space for real communication
• Important questions to ask yourself
Wives, this week, commit to laying your demands before God instead of your husband, trusting His sovereignty rather than your control.
We hope you enjoy and are encouraged!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
This is David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
And we have made vows to keep.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Today we're going to talk about an epidemic that's in
marriages.
But when I say the wordepidemic, what comes to mind?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
I think about the health risks.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Do you think of like mass diseases spreading across
foreign countries?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Absolutely.
It makes me think all of asudden, I better not travel
somewhere, and what we're goingto be talking about today is an
epidemic that is affectingmarriages everywhere.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I don't think a lot of people escape this, like a
lot of people don't escape thecommon cold.
Pretty much everybody has had acommon cold in their life.
You've got the Zycam going,you've got your orange juice
ready, and even if you hearabout somebody that's got a cold
, you are on it.
You're wanting to fix thisproblem.
Sometimes an epidemic willbreak out in the medical
community and it's somethingthat doctors have actually never
(01:14):
seen before, so it's reallyhard to treat.
But the problem we're going tobe talking about in marriages
today has actually been going onfor generations upon
generations, in fact probablyall the way back to the very
first marriage, and it reallyboils down to a communication
problem.
That's what you feel like youhave.
That's the sickness, that's theepidemic that you have got in
your marriage.
(01:35):
And you see, your friend'smarriage has it as well, and
this person you know at churchhas it too.
It seems to be spreading.
Why can we not get our husbandsto engage with us?
I think every woman has hadthat thought.
She's asked that question howcan I get my husband to talk
with me like he used to?
When we first started dating,when we were first married, it
(01:55):
seemed like all of ourconversations flowed.
And now here we are, we'rebarely talking and it's like the
common cold.
You don't want to live withthat day in, day out.
But how do you cure it?
Is there a cure for thecommunication problems you're
having with your spouse?
We at Vows to Keep believe thatGod's word has the answers that
we are searching for, and manytimes we do search for them in
(02:19):
other places.
We're knocking on every doortrying to solve this problem.
But today we are going to go toGod's trying to solve this
problem.
But today we are going to go toGod's word to solve this
problem.
And it starts truly, ladies, byhaving a soft heart before the
Lord, saying God, show me what'struly in my heart.
And if there's something I'mdoing, god, that's not lining up
with your word, I want you toexamine my heart today, god, and
(02:41):
change me.
And, ladies, let me tell yousome of the things we're going
to look at today are hard thingsto see in ourselves.
Many times we don't want toadmit that we have been the wife
that has hounded and demandedand nagged our husbands and
possibly shut down their desireto actually communicate with us.
It's hard to realize that we'vebeen the wife that's belittled
(03:04):
our husband and caused him tofeel like he is inferior to us,
caused him to feel like he can'treally share his heart with us.
It's hard to realize sometimesthat we are the wife that
doesn't accept compliments fromour spouse and, in turn, that
makes him feel like his wordsare invaluable.
Let's take a good close look atsome of these things today and
what God's word will revealabout our own heart condition
(03:28):
and how we can actually turn thetide in our marriage to engage
with our spouse once again.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
One man shared this story with me.
He said he felt like his wife'sdemands were just getting the
best of him, and it was like shewas speaking in a code, like a
foreign language.
She would find his clothes onthe bedroom floor and, instead
of actually asking him to dosomething about it, she'd say
something like are those yourclothes on the floor?
And then walk away huffing mad.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
What she truly wants, at the heart of it, is a clean
house and for him to take careof his own things.
A demand, by definition, is aninsistent request made as if by
right, and I want you to reallyfocus in on that word.
This is my right.
This wife that Dave isreferring to really has tricked
herself into thinking that she'snot demanding it.
(04:15):
She's just asking a pointedquestion, shall we say?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
And, of course, this husband who is talking to me.
Well, he's not very perceptiveto the fact that a conversation
and an apology would go a verylong way in making it right.
So instead, what happens isthey both stew in misery.
Now demands can be separatedinto a couple of categories.
Sometimes it's wrong demands,sometimes it's right demands,
(04:42):
and sometimes it's just not theright time for it.
So let's take that firstcategory, david wrong demands.
Sometimes it's right demands,and sometimes it's just not the
right time for it.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
So let's take that first category, david wrong
demands, and I would define thisas when something I wish and
desire just takes this reallydangerous path in my heart from
being something that I want toactually something that I have
got to have.
In fact, I have made this thingso high priority in my life
that I have to have it in orderto be happy.
I would say many times theseare things that are not sinful,
(05:09):
they're just personalpreferences.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Maybe I want to be a saver and he wants to go buy a
new car.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
And it doesn't necessarily have to be something
material, right, David.
It can be something like whereare our kids going to go to
school?
Are they going to go to private, public?
We're going to homeschool, andI think I have got the right
answer, but maybe you're notagreeing with me.
A lot of times we see this whenit comes to the in-law
situations.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Yeah, how many times has a husband not taken the high
road with his own mom, much tothe disappointment of his wife?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Have you ever wanted something so bad?
It wasn't a wrong thing, butyou couldn't come to agreement
on it in your marriage.
I bet all of us could raise ourhand on that one.
What happens sometimes is thisdesire in us becomes so strong
that we begin to expect thatthis is going to happen.
And when it doesn't happen, atour spouse's hand, we do what
(06:08):
we've got to do to get it done.
We resort to things, ladies,it's true.
We beg, sometimes we whine, wemanipulate with our words and
our actions.
We try to take matters into ourown hands.
We maybe even go to someoneelse to ask their help, their
advice, to try to get the ballrolling.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
From buying a house to having more kids, maybe
changing jobs or just trying toget your spouse to lose some
weight.
When you don't get what youwant from your husband, a double
whammy takes place.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
And let me explain that a little bit, because not
only are we not getting what wethink we have a right to, what
we think is going to make ushappy, now our spouse becomes
the enemy, they become anobstacle to our happiness.
Talk about taking you under ifyou're not looking at this from
a biblical perspective.
When a wife finds herself inthat situation, several things
(06:57):
can happen in our hearts thatend up coming out in how we
interact with him.
That also caused him to shutdown in speaking to us.
We start to speak unkindly toour husband and about our
husband to other people becausewe didn't get what we wanted,
and we let bitterness take rootin our heart and it becomes
evident in our homes.
So let's talk about rightdemands for a minute Now.
(07:18):
This category of demands issomething that you are insisting
upon in your marriage, in yourhome with your husband,
something that you're wantingbecause truly it is biblical,
like wanting your husband tospiritually lead.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Maybe getting debt free, simple things like asking
your husband to not curse Maybeit's time for him to quit
smoking or really just prayingtogether that your prodigal son
or daughter might return.
You know, a number of years agowe had a huge life decision.
It was a ministry decision thatwe had to make, one that had
little financial risk butmassive strings attached, and
(07:54):
what we both wanted was actuallytotally legit.
Now we prayed about this andoften, eventually, we came to
realize that I felt one way andTracy felt another.
Now, at first it wasn't a bigdivide, but it certainly was
something that we were clear onwhat we stood, and I can
remember begging God to bring ustogether on this to really
change Tracy's heart.
(08:15):
And then it hit me God might beallowing what's happening as a
path for both of us to grow.
So would I value this projectover my wife's input?
Although it was a good thing,it doesn't mean it's the only
path, but I had made it that wayin my own mind.
Now, at the same time that Iwas praying, god would change
(08:37):
Tracy's heart.
She had been praying for myheart.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I was definitely praying about it that God would
change your heart or my heart,but really that he would bring
us together in unity about it.
But I was vocal about this.
I didn't keep these thingsinside.
I did talk with you about it,but a lot of effort went into me
being honoring about this,because this was a hot topic.
Every time you touched it, alittle bit of a singe happened.
(09:00):
You've probably had thosesituations in your own home.
I made sure David knew that,even if he went against what I
was confident was not best forour family and our ministry,
that I would stand with him,that I would unite myself with
him and come underneath hisleadership.
Now, ladies, the problem thatcan creep in, even in a biblical
desire, is that when thepassion goes up, the respect
(09:24):
goes down, and that's what shutsdown communication between the
two of you.
Here's what needs to happenwhen you've got something you
are sure needs to happen, yourrespect has to increase with
your passion about that topic,and that's something that is
going to be really not betweenyou and your husband, it's going
to be between you and the Lord,the antidote to the demands
(09:47):
that we talked about, whether itbe a wrong demand, just a
personal preference that I amjust insisting upon, or really a
right demand is to walk inhumility, because here's two
things that are going to be atemptation for you, ladies, in
this area pride orself-righteousness.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
This is a challenge, I think, for everyone.
When you see that your spouseis making a bad decision, it's
easy to be self-righteous, andwhen you're demanding your way
or the highway, well, it's prideruling your every word In this
difficult decision that Tracywas talking about.
One of the most powerful thingsthat God used, through Tracy,
to bring my heart around, washow well she displayed the fruit
(10:26):
of the Spirit, and that extraeffort you put into being
respectful through that processwas so clear.
She was speaking with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control, and
that posture, that attitude,showed that she cared about
honoring God and honoring me inher convictions.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Those verses are probably familiar to you from
Galatians, chapter five right,the fruit of the spirit.
Those aren't things that comenaturally to us.
Those are things that we haveto keep in step with the Spirit
on, and a lot of times we readthose verses verses 22 and 23 of
Galatians 5, and we stop there.
But the next three versesreally apply to the situation
(11:11):
when there is a demand in yourheart.
It says those who belong toChrist Jesus have crucified the
flesh with its passions anddesires Verse 25.
And since we live by the spirit, let us keep in step with the
spirit.
And here's the kicker Verse 26.
Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other
.
Instead, consider others moreimportant than yourself.
(11:33):
It's going to be a temptingpitfall for you to consider
yourself as more right than yourhusband if you're basing your
demands on the Bible.
It's going to be tempting tothink more highly of yourself,
that conceited heart that verse26 talks about.
The verse lays out the naturalorder of things.
When we do that, we end upprovoking one another.
But in order to stay in stepwith what God has asked us to do
(11:56):
, we need to keep our hearts ingood working order before the
Lord, and that takes a lot ofhumility, recognizing that
anything we are has come fromhim.
Anything we're going to be isgoing to be by his working alone
, and nothing we can do or eveninsist upon is going to gain us
any ground with God.
It's only by the blood of Jesusthat we're justified.
(12:19):
So, david, what if a husband isnot doing what God's word says?
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Well, even in this situation we're talking about, I
know my temptation was not todo something that was against
God's word, but certainly thestrategies that you used in that
situation I think do apply inall situations.
First of all, you asked me alot of very good questions,
questions that took pleasing youout of the equation and really
challenged me to please God.
You asked me to explain what Iwas thinking.
We had a lot of interactionsbecause it was clear you were
(12:51):
trying to understand, but themost important thing, I think,
was that you were asking me tocompare the choices against
God's word, not focusing just onthe implications for you or for
me, but both of us before theLord.
The most important advice I cangive a wife is you need to be
your husband's advocate forrestoration to God, no matter
(13:11):
what the situation is.
That has to be your firstheart's desire, and not just to
be the judge and the juryyourself.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
It's those hard topics that us ladies really
have a hard time just letting golike just resting in God.
Many times we kind of hound ourhusband when we don't get the
answer we're seeking or when atopic doesn't have a resolution
that I like anywhere on thehorizon.
Not only does this type ofhounding conversation say I
(13:40):
don't trust God, it actuallysays to my husband I don't trust
you either.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
Yeah, many men really struggle with just feeling
defeated If I don't have ananswer that I know is going to
satisfy her.
So what do we do?
Well, we just avoid the topic.
We're talking all together.
I'm not saying it's right, butwe see it all the time.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
The wife might be thinking my husband stinks, he
doesn't have a better answer orany answer, or maybe he just
doesn't care enough to help mecome up with an answer.
And women read so much into ahusband's lack of talking.
They take it very personally.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
So our advice is don't act like you're the
problem until you actually knowthat you are, and don't assume
that you know him better than heknows himself.
Do your best to be open andcurious, asking good questions
so that you have a chance to tryto know his heart, and just
assuring him in that processthat you are by his side, that
you are available to helpwherever he needs you.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
And I'm going to add to that by saying let your
husband know that you believethe best of him.
Now she's thinking, okay, thisguy doesn't have a good answer
at all and he's thinking shedoesn't trust me.
He doesn't actually say to herthe question that he probably
should Are you trusting God?
Sometimes there actually isn'ta better answer.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
God wants us to go through something and us
husbands oof we have a terribletime ever taking those things in
prayer.
The antidote is to recognizeyour husband's role and his
actual abilities.
You see, a lot of wives thinkto themselves you know what.
He's not fulfilling his role,and it's true.
But a lot of times the problemis actually his capacity.
(15:19):
This means a godly wife isgoing to take her husband out of
the crosshairs and she's goingto look for ways that she can
come alongside him to take someof that overload off of his
shoulders.
This starts by joining inprayer together about the
priorities that we have, takingthose things before the Lord and
really wrestling with what cango.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Another antidote to this that many times gets
overlooked is asking forforgiveness.
A wife that really wants tobond to her husband, get him to
engage once again, can say babe,I'm sorry that I've treated
this thing, this big topic,really as something between you
and I rather than something thatI need to rest in God for, and
(16:00):
I'd like to pray for my heart tochange about my desire and
trust that if it doesn't turnout, I'm going to submit to
God's sovereignty in this area.
That kind of conversation canreally change the whole game.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Ladies, this means resting in God's timing and
really encouraging your husbandto do the exact same thing.
Sometimes.
It's not that you're demanding,it's something that simply
doesn't have an answer and mightnot for a very long time.
Boy, stay in communicationabout that topic.
Come together often, but do soto bring it before God in prayer
, to encourage each other whenthere's an outstanding issue
(16:36):
that seems to not have an end insight.
Discouragement runs thick.
Remind each other of truths inGod's word that will allow us to
persevere through the season.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
We've talked about demands.
We've talked about hounding,trying to get the answer that
you want.
And this next category, david,really is pretty similar but has
some differences as well.
And this is the problem ofnagging.
Oh, my goodness, seriously.
I just said the word nag Likeit makes me kind of cringe, just
saying that out loud, becausewe've all got that person in our
mind that would fit thiscategory, don't we?
(17:08):
The lady that rules by herbiting tongue but has no idea
that she's like the womandescribed in Proverbs 21, 9.
It's better to live on thecorner of a roof than to share a
house with a nagging wife, orbetter to live in a wilderness
than with a nagging andhot-tempered wife.
Okay, so what I just read fromProverbs there says homelessness
is preferred to living withthis kind of woman.
(17:29):
Oh, dear Lord, would you saveus from being like this?
And if I am like this, god,help me to change into a
soft-hearted, joyous person thatwould trust in you and not in
my ability to control.
So, even though it's a littletouchy girls, I think we should
spend a few moments on thistopic so God can speak to our
hearts and shine his truth onthis, if it is in fact, an issue
(17:51):
.
In order to do that, though,we've got to think about how and
if we nag.
If we're going to recover fromthis, we've got to know what it
is.
As I was looking into this inGod's word, I realized that the
Hebrew word for nagging istranslated brawling and
contentious a connotation ofthis constant dripping.
Is there an area of your lifeand marriage, ladies, that you
(18:12):
are constantly dripping on yourhusband, wearing him down slowly
over time, like a streamcarving a canyon?
Many times, these aren't thosedifficult conversations that we
need to have.
They're not the things thatkeep cropping up, the big life
decisions that need to be made,those hard topics that don't
seem to have an answer.
These are the little details oflife, the things that we want
(18:34):
done in a really specific way.
Let me give a personal example.
We have a construction projectgoing on at our house, and it's
been going on for a long time,and I've really had to get my
heart right with the Lord onthis topic, because, boy, I'd
really love to see this broughtto completion.
I'd love to have the room done,be able to walk in and know
(18:56):
that we don't have any otherto-do lists on this project.
It would be very tempting forme to constantly drip on David
on this topic, to slowly wearhim down until he finally does
what I want him to do.
I might get the end result, Imight get the construction
project completed, but whatwould I have accomplished within
my marriage by doing that?
(19:17):
The big takeaway with nagging isthis telling your husband how
much something he has done ornot done is bothering you.
When a husband hears repeatedlyover and over hey, I asked you
to do this, won't you do this,why didn't you do that?
It speaks disrespect loud andclear, but we feel justified in
it because we actually feeldisrespected, like what we've
(19:40):
asked of our husband isn't worththeir time and attention.
We translate that into that wearen't worth their time and
attention.
I've asked him to do this task.
I've asked him 15 times.
He's not honored that.
So he's not honoring me A lotof times.
The things that we are naggingabout, the things we're asking
for I want you to think, honey,do list here are things that
(20:00):
actually don't really matter inthe grand scheme of things.
In the moment they seem likethey are all important.
They're very annoying to us.
We want them to get done likean exercise bike, david, in our
loft that needs oil to stop thesqueak, but we won't die if we
don't have them.
Life is going to go on if myexercise bike still squeaks
(20:20):
every day.
The greater plan and purposethat God has for you and your
family is not going to bethwarted by a toilet that runs
all the time or a phone callyour husband keeps putting off.
I have to ask myself when I'mfeeling this tension within
myself.
Am I fulfilling my role to bemy husband's helpmate when I am
nagging him?
Am I being respectful when I'mconstantly dripping on him,
(20:44):
trying to get him to move in mydirection?
Am I giving grace to him whenhe doesn't react to me?
Is this a capacity issue, maybefor him?
Or is this a capability issue,ladies?
You're there to help with thatcapacity, not saying you need to
do it, but ask if there'ssomething else that would maybe
free him up to help him get thethings that need to be done done
(21:06):
.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Sadly, tracy, like you said a few minutes ago, many
husbands are not great athonoring their wives.
Many husbands are afraid tonecessarily go and actually look
at what God's word is askingthem to do.
Wives, you play a powerful role, but, as you've heard us say
today, nagging is not the answer.
Our challenge for the nagger isto really think about what's
(21:27):
going to get the results.
Our challenge for the nagger isto really think about what's
going to get the results.
Now, I'm not talking about yourresults.
I'm talking about the kind ofresults that glorify God, the
kind of results that speak abouthis kingdom to the world that's
watching, even if you'renagging about something that's
true.
What has God asked you to do?
Speaker 2 (21:49):
I think, as we conclude today on Vows to Keep
Radio, that's what we need tofocus on, ladies, not this
desire that we have, that we arenagging or demanding or
hounding our husbands about, buttruly, what is the heart
condition that God has asked ofus?
In Colossians, chapter 3, itsays Therefore, as God's chosen
people, holy and dearly loved,you must clothe yourselves with
tenderhearted mercy, kindness,humility, gentleness and
(22:11):
patience, making allowance foreach other's faults and
forgiving anyone who hasoffended you.
It says remember the Lordforgave you, so you must forgive
others and, above all, clotheyourselves with love, which
binds us all together in perfectharmony.
That's the unity that youdesire in your marriage.
That's the engagement that youdesire your husband to have.
So, first of all, clotheyourselves in these things.
(22:33):
Clothe yourself with patiencethis week towards your husband.
Clothe yourselves with humilityand gentleness when they don't
have the answer or when theydon't do what you've asked them
to do, and let the peace ofChrist rule in your heart.
It ends in Colossians 3, 15.
Christ rule in your heart.
(22:54):
It ends in Colossians 3.15.
It may be, as you listen to ustoday here on Vows to Keep Radio
, that you had not actuallyconsidered that nagging was a
problem In our society.
It's almost considered comical,it's considered funny.
You see sitcoms on TV.
You see the way people interactin a movie.
You see the way your friendsreact at a joke of nagging your
husband.
But God has called us tosomething different.
He has called us to build upwith our words, to not tear down
(23:17):
.
He's called us to live in peacewith one another.
He's called us to live in unity.
He's called us to use our wordsto show his heart for our
husband.
If you find yourself this weekhounding your husband about
something, I would encourage youto take that to the throne of
God and say God, I'm going totrust your sovereignty.
(23:38):
If you find yourself demandingsomething of your husband this
week, lay your rights before thethrone of God.
If you find yourself naggingyour spouse this week, don't
consider it as standard maritalfare.
Consider it as something thatyou may need to ask for
forgiveness about and make itright before your husband and
before God.
(23:59):
Join us next week on Vows toKeep Radio for part two of how
to get your husband to engageagain.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
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includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
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would love to hear from you.
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designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
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(24:32):
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If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
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(24:57):
No-transcript.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
This is David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
And we have made vows to keep.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Today we're going to talk about an epidemic that's in
marriages.
But when I say the wordepidemic, what comes to mind?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
I think about the health risks.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Do you think of like mass diseases spreading across
foreign countries?
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Absolutely.
It makes me think all of asudden, I better not travel
somewhere, and what we're goingto be talking about today is an
epidemic that is affectingmarriages everywhere.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I don't think a lot of people escape this, like a
lot of people don't escape thecommon cold.
Pretty much everybody has had acommon cold in their life.
You've got the Zycam going,you've got your orange juice
ready, and even if you hearabout somebody that's got a cold
, you are on it.
You're wanting to fix thisproblem.
Sometimes an epidemic willbreak out in the medical
community and it's somethingthat doctors have actually never
(01:14):
seen before, so it's reallyhard to treat.
But the problem we're going tobe talking about in marriages
today has actually been going onfor generations upon
generations, in fact probablyall the way back to the very
first marriage, and it reallyboils down to a communication
problem.
That's what you feel like youhave.
That's the sickness, that's theepidemic that you have got in
your marriage.
(01:35):
And you see, your friend'smarriage has it as well, and
this person you know at churchhas it too.
It seems to be spreading.
Why can we not get our husbandsto engage with us?
I think every woman has hadthat thought.
She's asked that question howcan I get my husband to talk
with me like he used to?
When we first started dating,when we were first married, it
(01:55):
seemed like all of ourconversations flowed.
And now here we are, we'rebarely talking and it's like the
common cold.
You don't want to live withthat day in, day out.
But how do you cure it?
Is there a cure for thecommunication problems you're
having with your spouse?
We at Vows to Keep believe thatGod's word has the answers that
we are searching for, and manytimes we do search for them in
(02:19):
other places.
We're knocking on every doortrying to solve this problem.
But today we are going to go toGod's trying to solve this
problem.
But today we are going to go toGod's word to solve this
problem.
And it starts truly, ladies, byhaving a soft heart before the
Lord, saying God, show me what'struly in my heart.
And if there's something I'mdoing, god, that's not lining up
with your word, I want you toexamine my heart today, god, and
(02:41):
change me.
And, ladies, let me tell yousome of the things we're going
to look at today are hard thingsto see in ourselves.
Many times we don't want toadmit that we have been the wife
that has hounded and demandedand nagged our husbands and
possibly shut down their desireto actually communicate with us.
It's hard to realize that we'vebeen the wife that's belittled
(03:04):
our husband and caused him tofeel like he is inferior to us,
caused him to feel like he can'treally share his heart with us.
It's hard to realize sometimesthat we are the wife that
doesn't accept compliments fromour spouse and, in turn, that
makes him feel like his wordsare invaluable.
Let's take a good close look atsome of these things today and
what God's word will revealabout our own heart condition
(03:28):
and how we can actually turn thetide in our marriage to engage
with our spouse once again.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
One man shared this story with me.
He said he felt like his wife'sdemands were just getting the
best of him, and it was like shewas speaking in a code, like a
foreign language.
She would find his clothes onthe bedroom floor and, instead
of actually asking him to dosomething about it, she'd say
something like are those yourclothes on the floor?
And then walk away huffing mad.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
What she truly wants, at the heart of it, is a clean
house and for him to take careof his own things.
A demand, by definition, is aninsistent request made as if by
right, and I want you to reallyfocus in on that word.
This is my right.
This wife that Dave isreferring to really has tricked
herself into thinking that she'snot demanding it.
(04:15):
She's just asking a pointedquestion, shall we say?
Speaker 3 (04:20):
And, of course, this husband who is talking to me.
Well, he's not very perceptiveto the fact that a conversation
and an apology would go a verylong way in making it right.
So instead, what happens isthey both stew in misery.
Now demands can be separatedinto a couple of categories.
Sometimes it's wrong demands,sometimes it's right demands,
(04:42):
and sometimes it's just not theright time for it.
So let's take that firstcategory, david wrong demands.
Sometimes it's right demands,and sometimes it's just not the
right time for it.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
So let's take that first category, david wrong
demands, and I would define thisas when something I wish and
desire just takes this reallydangerous path in my heart from
being something that I want toactually something that I have
got to have.
In fact, I have made this thingso high priority in my life
that I have to have it in orderto be happy.
I would say many times theseare things that are not sinful,
(05:09):
they're just personalpreferences.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Maybe I want to be a saver and he wants to go buy a
new car.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
And it doesn't necessarily have to be something
material, right, David.
It can be something like whereare our kids going to go to
school?
Are they going to go to private, public?
We're going to homeschool, andI think I have got the right
answer, but maybe you're notagreeing with me.
A lot of times we see this whenit comes to the in-law
situations.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Yeah, how many times has a husband not taken the high
road with his own mom, much tothe disappointment of his wife?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Have you ever wanted something so bad?
It wasn't a wrong thing, butyou couldn't come to agreement
on it in your marriage.
I bet all of us could raise ourhand on that one.
What happens sometimes is thisdesire in us becomes so strong
that we begin to expect thatthis is going to happen.
And when it doesn't happen, atour spouse's hand, we do what
(06:08):
we've got to do to get it done.
We resort to things, ladies,it's true.
We beg, sometimes we whine, wemanipulate with our words and
our actions.
We try to take matters into ourown hands.
We maybe even go to someoneelse to ask their help, their
advice, to try to get the ballrolling.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
From buying a house to having more kids, maybe
changing jobs or just trying toget your spouse to lose some
weight.
When you don't get what youwant from your husband, a double
whammy takes place.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
And let me explain that a little bit, because not
only are we not getting what wethink we have a right to, what
we think is going to make ushappy, now our spouse becomes
the enemy, they become anobstacle to our happiness.
Talk about taking you under ifyou're not looking at this from
a biblical perspective.
When a wife finds herself inthat situation, several things
(06:57):
can happen in our hearts thatend up coming out in how we
interact with him.
That also caused him to shutdown in speaking to us.
We start to speak unkindly toour husband and about our
husband to other people becausewe didn't get what we wanted,
and we let bitterness take rootin our heart and it becomes
evident in our homes.
So let's talk about rightdemands for a minute Now.
(07:18):
This category of demands issomething that you are insisting
upon in your marriage, in yourhome with your husband,
something that you're wantingbecause truly it is biblical,
like wanting your husband tospiritually lead.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Maybe getting debt free, simple things like asking
your husband to not curse Maybeit's time for him to quit
smoking or really just prayingtogether that your prodigal son
or daughter might return.
You know, a number of years agowe had a huge life decision.
It was a ministry decision thatwe had to make, one that had
little financial risk butmassive strings attached, and
(07:54):
what we both wanted was actuallytotally legit.
Now we prayed about this andoften, eventually, we came to
realize that I felt one way andTracy felt another.
Now, at first it wasn't a bigdivide, but it certainly was
something that we were clear onwhat we stood, and I can
remember begging God to bring ustogether on this to really
change Tracy's heart.
(08:15):
And then it hit me God might beallowing what's happening as a
path for both of us to grow.
So would I value this projectover my wife's input?
Although it was a good thing,it doesn't mean it's the only
path, but I had made it that wayin my own mind.
Now, at the same time that Iwas praying, god would change
(08:37):
Tracy's heart.
She had been praying for myheart.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I was definitely praying about it that God would
change your heart or my heart,but really that he would bring
us together in unity about it.
But I was vocal about this.
I didn't keep these thingsinside.
I did talk with you about it,but a lot of effort went into me
being honoring about this,because this was a hot topic.
Every time you touched it, alittle bit of a singe happened.
(09:00):
You've probably had thosesituations in your own home.
I made sure David knew that,even if he went against what I
was confident was not best forour family and our ministry,
that I would stand with him,that I would unite myself with
him and come underneath hisleadership.
Now, ladies, the problem thatcan creep in, even in a biblical
desire, is that when thepassion goes up, the respect
(09:24):
goes down, and that's what shutsdown communication between the
two of you.
Here's what needs to happenwhen you've got something you
are sure needs to happen, yourrespect has to increase with
your passion about that topic,and that's something that is
going to be really not betweenyou and your husband, it's going
to be between you and the Lord,the antidote to the demands
(09:47):
that we talked about, whether itbe a wrong demand, just a
personal preference that I amjust insisting upon, or really a
right demand is to walk inhumility, because here's two
things that are going to be atemptation for you, ladies, in
this area pride orself-righteousness.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
This is a challenge, I think, for everyone.
When you see that your spouseis making a bad decision, it's
easy to be self-righteous, andwhen you're demanding your way
or the highway, well, it's prideruling your every word In this
difficult decision that Tracywas talking about.
One of the most powerful thingsthat God used, through Tracy,
to bring my heart around, washow well she displayed the fruit
(10:26):
of the Spirit, and that extraeffort you put into being
respectful through that processwas so clear.
She was speaking with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control, and
that posture, that attitude,showed that she cared about
honoring God and honoring me inher convictions.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Those verses are probably familiar to you from
Galatians, chapter five right,the fruit of the spirit.
Those aren't things that comenaturally to us.
Those are things that we haveto keep in step with the Spirit
on, and a lot of times we readthose verses verses 22 and 23 of
Galatians 5, and we stop there.
But the next three versesreally apply to the situation
(11:11):
when there is a demand in yourheart.
It says those who belong toChrist Jesus have crucified the
flesh with its passions anddesires Verse 25.
And since we live by the spirit, let us keep in step with the
spirit.
And here's the kicker Verse 26.
Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other
.
Instead, consider others moreimportant than yourself.
(11:33):
It's going to be a temptingpitfall for you to consider
yourself as more right than yourhusband if you're basing your
demands on the Bible.
It's going to be tempting tothink more highly of yourself,
that conceited heart that verse26 talks about.
The verse lays out the naturalorder of things.
When we do that, we end upprovoking one another.
But in order to stay in stepwith what God has asked us to do
(11:56):
, we need to keep our hearts ingood working order before the
Lord, and that takes a lot ofhumility, recognizing that
anything we are has come fromhim.
Anything we're going to be isgoing to be by his working alone
, and nothing we can do or eveninsist upon is going to gain us
any ground with God.
It's only by the blood of Jesusthat we're justified.
(12:19):
So, david, what if a husband isnot doing what God's word says?
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Well, even in this situation we're talking about, I
know my temptation was not todo something that was against
God's word, but certainly thestrategies that you used in that
situation I think do apply inall situations.
First of all, you asked me alot of very good questions,
questions that took pleasing youout of the equation and really
challenged me to please God.
You asked me to explain what Iwas thinking.
We had a lot of interactionsbecause it was clear you were
(12:51):
trying to understand, but themost important thing, I think,
was that you were asking me tocompare the choices against
God's word, not focusing just onthe implications for you or for
me, but both of us before theLord.
The most important advice I cangive a wife is you need to be
your husband's advocate forrestoration to God, no matter
(13:11):
what the situation is.
That has to be your firstheart's desire, and not just to
be the judge and the juryyourself.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
It's those hard topics that us ladies really
have a hard time just letting golike just resting in God.
Many times we kind of hound ourhusband when we don't get the
answer we're seeking or when atopic doesn't have a resolution
that I like anywhere on thehorizon.
Not only does this type ofhounding conversation say I
(13:40):
don't trust God, it actuallysays to my husband I don't trust
you either.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
Yeah, many men really struggle with just feeling
defeated If I don't have ananswer that I know is going to
satisfy her.
So what do we do?
Well, we just avoid the topic.
We're talking all together.
I'm not saying it's right, butwe see it all the time.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
The wife might be thinking my husband stinks, he
doesn't have a better answer orany answer, or maybe he just
doesn't care enough to help mecome up with an answer.
And women read so much into ahusband's lack of talking.
They take it very personally.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
So our advice is don't act like you're the
problem until you actually knowthat you are, and don't assume
that you know him better than heknows himself.
Do your best to be open andcurious, asking good questions
so that you have a chance to tryto know his heart, and just
assuring him in that processthat you are by his side, that
you are available to helpwherever he needs you.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
And I'm going to add to that by saying let your
husband know that you believethe best of him.
Now she's thinking, okay, thisguy doesn't have a good answer
at all and he's thinking shedoesn't trust me.
He doesn't actually say to herthe question that he probably
should Are you trusting God?
Sometimes there actually isn'ta better answer.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
God wants us to go through something and us
husbands oof we have a terribletime ever taking those things in
prayer.
The antidote is to recognizeyour husband's role and his
actual abilities.
You see, a lot of wives thinkto themselves you know what.
He's not fulfilling his role,and it's true.
But a lot of times the problemis actually his capacity.
(15:19):
This means a godly wife isgoing to take her husband out of
the crosshairs and she's goingto look for ways that she can
come alongside him to take someof that overload off of his
shoulders.
This starts by joining inprayer together about the
priorities that we have, takingthose things before the Lord and
really wrestling with what cango.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Another antidote to this that many times gets
overlooked is asking forforgiveness.
A wife that really wants tobond to her husband, get him to
engage once again, can say babe,I'm sorry that I've treated
this thing, this big topic,really as something between you
and I rather than something thatI need to rest in God for, and
(16:00):
I'd like to pray for my heart tochange about my desire and
trust that if it doesn't turnout, I'm going to submit to
God's sovereignty in this area.
That kind of conversation canreally change the whole game.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Ladies, this means resting in God's timing and
really encouraging your husbandto do the exact same thing.
Sometimes.
It's not that you're demanding,it's something that simply
doesn't have an answer and mightnot for a very long time.
Boy, stay in communicationabout that topic.
Come together often, but do soto bring it before God in prayer
, to encourage each other whenthere's an outstanding issue
(16:36):
that seems to not have an end insight.
Discouragement runs thick.
Remind each other of truths inGod's word that will allow us to
persevere through the season.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
We've talked about demands.
We've talked about hounding,trying to get the answer that
you want.
And this next category, david,really is pretty similar but has
some differences as well.
And this is the problem ofnagging.
Oh, my goodness, seriously.
I just said the word nag Likeit makes me kind of cringe, just
saying that out loud, becausewe've all got that person in our
mind that would fit thiscategory, don't we?
(17:08):
The lady that rules by herbiting tongue but has no idea
that she's like the womandescribed in Proverbs 21, 9.
It's better to live on thecorner of a roof than to share a
house with a nagging wife, orbetter to live in a wilderness
than with a nagging andhot-tempered wife.
Okay, so what I just read fromProverbs there says homelessness
is preferred to living withthis kind of woman.
(17:29):
Oh, dear Lord, would you saveus from being like this?
And if I am like this, god,help me to change into a
soft-hearted, joyous person thatwould trust in you and not in
my ability to control.
So, even though it's a littletouchy girls, I think we should
spend a few moments on thistopic so God can speak to our
hearts and shine his truth onthis, if it is in fact, an issue
(17:51):
.
In order to do that, though,we've got to think about how and
if we nag.
If we're going to recover fromthis, we've got to know what it
is.
As I was looking into this inGod's word, I realized that the
Hebrew word for nagging istranslated brawling and
contentious a connotation ofthis constant dripping.
Is there an area of your lifeand marriage, ladies, that you
(18:12):
are constantly dripping on yourhusband, wearing him down slowly
over time, like a streamcarving a canyon?
Many times, these aren't thosedifficult conversations that we
need to have.
They're not the things thatkeep cropping up, the big life
decisions that need to be made,those hard topics that don't
seem to have an answer.
These are the little details oflife, the things that we want
(18:34):
done in a really specific way.
Let me give a personal example.
We have a construction projectgoing on at our house, and it's
been going on for a long time,and I've really had to get my
heart right with the Lord onthis topic, because, boy, I'd
really love to see this broughtto completion.
I'd love to have the room done,be able to walk in and know
(18:56):
that we don't have any otherto-do lists on this project.
It would be very tempting forme to constantly drip on David
on this topic, to slowly wearhim down until he finally does
what I want him to do.
I might get the end result, Imight get the construction
project completed, but whatwould I have accomplished within
my marriage by doing that?
(19:17):
The big takeaway with nagging isthis telling your husband how
much something he has done ornot done is bothering you.
When a husband hears repeatedlyover and over hey, I asked you
to do this, won't you do this,why didn't you do that?
It speaks disrespect loud andclear, but we feel justified in
it because we actually feeldisrespected, like what we've
(19:40):
asked of our husband isn't worththeir time and attention.
We translate that into that wearen't worth their time and
attention.
I've asked him to do this task.
I've asked him 15 times.
He's not honored that.
So he's not honoring me A lotof times.
The things that we are naggingabout, the things we're asking
for I want you to think, honey,do list here are things that
(20:00):
actually don't really matter inthe grand scheme of things.
In the moment they seem likethey are all important.
They're very annoying to us.
We want them to get done likean exercise bike, david, in our
loft that needs oil to stop thesqueak, but we won't die if we
don't have them.
Life is going to go on if myexercise bike still squeaks
(20:20):
every day.
The greater plan and purposethat God has for you and your
family is not going to bethwarted by a toilet that runs
all the time or a phone callyour husband keeps putting off.
I have to ask myself when I'mfeeling this tension within
myself.
Am I fulfilling my role to bemy husband's helpmate when I am
nagging him?
Am I being respectful when I'mconstantly dripping on him,
(20:44):
trying to get him to move in mydirection?
Am I giving grace to him whenhe doesn't react to me?
Is this a capacity issue, maybefor him?
Or is this a capability issue,ladies?
You're there to help with thatcapacity, not saying you need to
do it, but ask if there'ssomething else that would maybe
free him up to help him get thethings that need to be done done
(21:06):
.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Sadly, tracy, like you said a few minutes ago, many
husbands are not great athonoring their wives.
Many husbands are afraid tonecessarily go and actually look
at what God's word is askingthem to do.
Wives, you play a powerful role, but, as you've heard us say
today, nagging is not the answer.
Our challenge for the nagger isto really think about what's
(21:27):
going to get the results.
Our challenge for the nagger isto really think about what's
going to get the results.
Now, I'm not talking about yourresults.
I'm talking about the kind ofresults that glorify God, the
kind of results that speak abouthis kingdom to the world that's
watching, even if you'renagging about something that's
true.
What has God asked you to do?
Speaker 2 (21:49):
I think, as we conclude today on Vows to Keep
Radio, that's what we need tofocus on, ladies, not this
desire that we have, that we arenagging or demanding or
hounding our husbands about, buttruly, what is the heart
condition that God has asked ofus?
In Colossians, chapter 3, itsays Therefore, as God's chosen
people, holy and dearly loved,you must clothe yourselves with
tenderhearted mercy, kindness,humility, gentleness and
(22:11):
patience, making allowance foreach other's faults and
forgiving anyone who hasoffended you.
It says remember the Lordforgave you, so you must forgive
others and, above all, clotheyourselves with love, which
binds us all together in perfectharmony.
That's the unity that youdesire in your marriage.
That's the engagement that youdesire your husband to have.
So, first of all, clotheyourselves in these things.
(22:33):
Clothe yourself with patiencethis week towards your husband.
Clothe yourselves with humilityand gentleness when they don't
have the answer or when theydon't do what you've asked them
to do, and let the peace ofChrist rule in your heart.
It ends in Colossians 3, 15.
Christ rule in your heart.
(22:54):
It ends in Colossians 3.15.
It may be, as you listen to ustoday here on Vows to Keep Radio
, that you had not actuallyconsidered that nagging was a
problem In our society.
It's almost considered comical,it's considered funny.
You see sitcoms on TV.
You see the way people interactin a movie.
You see the way your friendsreact at a joke of nagging your
husband.
But God has called us tosomething different.
He has called us to build upwith our words, to not tear down
(23:17):
.
He's called us to live in peacewith one another.
He's called us to live in unity.
He's called us to use our wordsto show his heart for our
husband.
If you find yourself this weekhounding your husband about
something, I would encourage youto take that to the throne of
God and say God, I'm going totrust your sovereignty.
(23:38):
If you find yourself demandingsomething of your husband this
week, lay your rights before thethrone of God.
If you find yourself naggingyour spouse this week, don't
consider it as standard maritalfare.
Consider it as something thatyou may need to ask for
forgiveness about and make itright before your husband and
before God.
(23:59):
Join us next week on Vows toKeep Radio for part two of how
to get your husband to engageagain.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:32):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
And click on the donate link.
(24:57):
No-transcript.
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