March 18, 2025 • 19 mins
Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for self-respect and well-being, but saying 'no' can be challenging. In this video, we explore the art of saying 'no' with confidence and clarity, helping you set limits without guilt. Learn practical strategies to communicate your needs, protect your time, and build stronger relationships through assertive yet respectful boundary-setting.
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
Sign up to receive our newsletter by clicking here.
Instagram
Facebook
LinkedIn
Credit for the music used in this podcast:
The Beat of Nature
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona Kane (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to be talkingabout boundaries.
People often get confused aboutwhat they are, and so I want to
set the record straight on whatboundaries actually are.
Essentially, when we think ofboundaries, often people think
of boundaries as being sort ofputting walls up around them and
(00:23):
that.
So know not what boundaries are.
But we do need healthyboundaries as humans on this
earth, because people will crossyour boundaries and push you
and get what they want if youlet them.
So we do have to have anawareness around the difference
between you and others andprotecting a space around you
(00:45):
and choosing where to give yourenergy and where not to, and how
you will be treated and how youwon't be treated, those kinds
of things.
So I'm going to there's a fewdefinitions here that I wanted
to actually kind of go through,actually kind of go through.
So what people?
(01:05):
People often think that you knowwhen someone's doing something
you don't want them to do orbehaving a way you don't want
them to do, it's about trying tofix the other person.
But essentially, we can'tchange another person.
You can't fix another person,but what you can do is create
healthy boundaries so that itdoesn't affect you in the way
that it may have if you didn'thave the boundaries, and so it
(01:28):
is important that you learn howto have boundaries and why to
have them.
So I want to talk to you a bitabout what it is.
So people often think thatboundaries, like I said, are
putting walls up or makingyourself more important than
everybody else, but in actualfact, they're about making your
(01:48):
needs equal to everybody else,because often a lot of people
with boundary issues aregenerally kind, considerate
people who put everyone elsefirst, right?
So this is actually just aboutsaying actually, I'm as
important as everybody else thatI'm looking after.
I'm someone who needs lookingafter as well.
So it's not putting yourselffirst, it's actually just
(02:13):
putting yourself even in therunning for anything.
It's actually just making youequal to everybody else, right?
So rather than just being, youlook after everybody except for
yourself and there's nothingleft for you.
So that's essentially what aboundary is, and when we enforce
a boundary so if our boundaryis that we don't work overtime
(02:34):
or that we don't put up withbeing abused, or whatever it is,
well, there's an actionassociated with that.
So it might be okay, if you'regoing to continue to shout at me
, I'm not going to continue thisconversation.
We can come back to it tomorrowand you discontinue a
conversation or you know it'sessentially, or it's leaving
(02:55):
work on time.
If that's what you said, you'regoing to do whatever it is, but
it's essentially enforcing it.
It's just doing the thing thatyou said you would do, or not
putting up with the thing thatyou said you wouldn't put up
with.
Thing that you said you woulddo or not putting up with the
thing that you said you wouldn'tput up with, but the
explanation or theinterpretation of what
boundaries are.
I really love Liz Gilbert'sdescription of boundaries, so
(03:17):
I'm actually going to read it.
It's sort of relatively long,but it's worth reading because
she's defined it really reallywell.
For those who don't know, lizGilbert is a great author and
she's a person who's struggledin the past.
I actually got this from shewrote this on Instagram in 2019
(03:37):
and I copied it because I justthought it was so good.
So I'm kind of writing what shewrote at the time, but I'm
reading what she wrote at thetime, but it's really good.
So she said, okay, so let'shave a quick word about
boundaries.
I'm a person who hashistorically had little,
sometimes no sense of where Iend and another person begins.
(03:58):
That's what I'm saying know thedifference between you and
other people, so that you knowwhere to put boundaries in.
She says I have a soft andneedy heart and thus I've been
quick to abandon myself for theperceived benefit of the other
or to gain perceived affectionsand approval for me.
(04:18):
It has taken me decades tolearn what a boundary is and
what it isn't.
Despite what us nervous overempaths might fear, a boundary
is not a wall, it's not a cruel,it's not punitive and it's not
something that you hide behindin quaking terror.
You can tell she's a writer,can't you?
(04:39):
She just writes this so well.
No, a healthy boundary issimply a circle that you draw
around something that is sacred.
Then you safeguard the sacredthing that abides within that
circle and treat it as holy.
Nobody gets to enter thatsacred circle from a place of
disrespect.
They just don't.
(05:00):
They just can't because sacredperiod.
The great mythologist JosephCampbell said that the only
thing a human being needs to doin order to render something
divine is to draw a circlearound it and say everything
inside this circle is sacred and, lo, it comes to pass.
(05:24):
You get to decide what issacred.
You get to decide what issacred.
You get to decide what getssanctified.
The sacred thing inside thecircle can be your time, your
creativity, your loved ones,your privacy, your recovery,
your values, your mental health,your activism, your joy, your
(05:45):
very heart and soul.
You yourself can stand at thecenter of the sacred circle and
you drew around your very ownbeing and say everything inside.
This is holy, not because youthink you're better than anyone
else, but because you havehumbly accepted stewardship over
the divine and mysterious giftof the universe that is you, and
(06:10):
you choose to honor that giftand take care of it with
reverence.
Anybody who shares and respectsthis sense of your inherent
sacredness is allowed to stepinto the circle.
Anybody who does not or cannotrespect your inherent sacredness
can wait outside the temple.
(06:30):
That's it, that's all.
How well written is that?
It's a really, really gooddescription.
You know boundaries.
It's not about being betterthan anyone.
It's actually just creating asacred space to honor who you
are and to honor your values,and to honor what you're here
for, what you're here to do, andthat's just a lovely way of
(06:53):
looking at it rather thanlooking at it, like I said, like
walls or like some sort ofpunitive punishment or that kind
of thing, it's actually justlooking after you and making
yourself equal to other people.
And she hinted at the beginningtoo, like some of the reasons
why we don't have boundaries.
It's really useful to know this, because if you kind of feel
(07:15):
anxious at the idea of havingboundaries, you might fit into
this category.
But she talks about the factthat she's like needy and often
abandons herself to others forthe perceived benefit of the
other or for affection orapproval, right.
So I know that I used to dothis a lot when I was younger.
I was always sort of chasingafter someone who would approve
(07:37):
me or make me okay.
I would, I'll be okay if if Igot hung around this person, or
I've had this boyfriend orwhatever it was, which is a
typical thing for young peopleto do.
That's and that's why we oftendon't have boundaries, because
we perceive that we need to getsomebody else's approval or
(07:57):
somebody else has to be okaywith us or whatever it is.
And people who are reallymanipulative are really good at
knowing this and recognizingthese people and what they do is
they withhold their love slash,approval slash, acceptance.
Whatever it is that you'relooking for, affection, whatever
(08:18):
it is that you're getting fromthat person, they withhold it
when you don't behave.
And behaving usually means nothaving any boundaries and
letting them do whatever theywant.
Not having any boundaries andletting them do whatever they
want, and not behaving usuallymeans having boundaries and
sometimes choosing yourself tobe just as important as them,
and they see that as a bad thingbecause they want all the
(08:40):
attention on them or all theenergy on them or whatever it is
that they're getting from you.
So people who are like that arereally, really good at shaming
people when they have boundaries.
So when you try and enforce aboundary, these people will try
and shame you out of it.
Oh, you know you don't reallycare.
Oh, don't worry, I'll do itmyself, I'll be fine, you know.
(09:04):
And then you know you reallydon't love me then, or if you
cared, you would do it.
They use all this kind ofemotive stuff, right?
So if you've got someone inyour life who does that, you
know that they actually don'trespect your boundaries and
they're trying to just pushtheir own agenda, and that gives
you a clue that maybe youdefinitely need to enforce
(09:24):
boundaries with those peoplebecause they don't, and they
don't believe that you willenforce your boundary because
you haven't and they don'tbelieve that you will enforce
your boundary because youhaven't in the past.
So they just think, oh well,I'll just push you until they
get you to get back in line anddo what you should do according
to them, right.
So they won't believe you untilthey believe you and they'll
believe you when, eventually,they don't get what they want,
(09:46):
right.
But they won't believe youbefore that and they may try and
shame you and manipulate youinto doing what they want.
The other thing that's reallyinteresting in regards to this
kind of wanting to please people, that sort of thing in regards
to boundaries, is that one ofthe reasons that we might want
(10:06):
to uh, that we might beencouraged to sort of say yes
when we really need no, wereally mean no, sorry is that
maybe we get, maybe there's apayoff for it, and that payoff
might be you might be gettinglike a dopamine response oh,
(10:27):
everyone loves me when I say yes.
So you say yes and everyone'soh, thank you, you're the best,
oh, you're the greatest right.
And in that moment you get adopamine response and you feel
like you're the best.
So be aware that there might bea reason that you're saying yes
and be aware that you're doingthat.
Now, one thing that Brene Browntalks about in regards to this
(10:49):
is she talks about how she, oneof the ways that she enforces
her boundaries is by learninghow to say no, and like no is a
full sentence, you know.
And so what she does and I'vetalked about this before she
says to herself three times, shesays the words choose
(11:09):
discomfort over resentment,choose discomfort over
resentment, choose discomfortover resentment, choose
discomfort over resentment.
And while she's saying that,she's actually turning her,
she's wearing a wedding ring, soshe turns her wedding ring
three times as she's saying it.
So it's become kind of like aset in habit of how she someone
else said to do something orsomeone's trying to step over a
boundary, and she wants to sayno, no or not yet, or not now or
(11:33):
whatever the answer she wantsto give, instead of her standard
yes, of course, which is whatshe's used to doing.
She turns the ring and she sayschoose discomfort over
resentment.
And when you think about whatthat means the discomfort of
saying no, and you won't getyour dopamine response because
you'll get the person'sdisappointed face or they're
(11:54):
trying to manipulate you andshame you.
Oh yes, well, the other mumsare baking for the thing.
It's just you that's not.
I suppose You're not a goodmother or whatever.
Whatever inference the personmakes based on their little
manipulations of you.
So the discomfort of notgetting a dopamine response, of
(12:15):
letting someone down, and thediscomfort of that is worth it,
because otherwise what happensis you've let yourself down and
then you feel resentful.
And if you find that you aredoing the thing for other people
but you're feeling reallyresentful about it, it is
because you're letting yourselfdown and it's because you said
(12:36):
yes when you wanted to say no.
Now you could be doing the samething for other people and
feeling really good about it,but it's just a matter of choice
.
So when you say I choose to goand do this thing, or take this
person shopping, or help someoneclean their house, or spend
some time with this person orthat person, whatever it is,
(12:56):
volunteer to do something, whenyou choose to do that and you
choose to do it and you want todo it, and you're doing it
because you want to be there,that is fine.
But when you're doing it forany other reason and you
actually wish that you said no,you can feel really resentful
when you're doing it.
So if you are feeling reallyresentful, that's because you
(13:19):
didn't choose the discomfortover the resentment, so you've
ended up feeling the resentmentinstead.
And the problem with thissituation is we sort of start to
become a bit of a martyr andthen we want people to somehow
read our mind and know that wedon't want to do it.
Or you know, like I've beendoing this for years.
Eventually they're going torealize that it's really hard on
me and someone else is going tostep up, guess what.
That's very unlikely to happen.
(13:41):
Generally speaking, most peopleare happy if someone does
something that they don't haveto do and they're not going to
say anything.
They don't want to upset theapple cart, right?
They're not going to point outto you that you shouldn't be
doing it if they're the nextperson in line to be doing it,
right?
So when someone's on a goodwicket and they've got you doing
things for them and they've gotyou saying yes to everything,
(14:05):
looking after them and they'regetting out of doing things that
they should be doing forthemselves, they're in a good
wicket.
They're not going to tell youthat you're overdoing it or you
should look after yourself, orany of that.
You actually have to make achoice and you have to actually
make a choice that you are justas important as they are and
(14:25):
therefore you deserve to say yesto you sometimes.
And that's the thing the moreyeses you give to everybody else
, the more no's you're giving toyou sometimes.
And that's the thing the moreyeses you give to everybody else
, the more no's you're giving toyou, because often the yeses to
other people are no's to you.
And if you're saying no toyourself all of the time, you're
not valuing yourself, well thenyou will continue, you will
(14:47):
believe that you're not worthvaluing and you'll be giving and
you'll again.
You're giving that message outto others, and that just
continues over and over.
Actually, I was listening to apodcast this morning.
I can't remember which podcastit was now, but someone said
their mother said the motherwent to a psychologist and said
(15:08):
well, I'm sick of being adoormat.
And the psychologist said well,stop being one.
Okay, now, that might soundnasty and that might sound mean,
but the truth is that we takepart in this as well, so these
things don't just happen to us.
To a certain extent we choosethem.
Or if we don't stop it or dosomething different or say
(15:31):
something different, then we'rechoosing to stay in the
situation and I understandthere's all sorts of reasons why
this might happen.
I'm not talking about, you know, there's obviously issues if
people are in domestic violenceor other situations where
they're not safe.
That's a different story.
No judgment there.
No judgment anyway, because youknow, life is life and these
things are complicated.
However, if you want things tobe different in your life and if
(15:54):
you're not looking afteryourself, if you're not
achieving your goals or lookingafter your health or whatever it
is that's not happening for youand you're feeling resentful a
lot of the time, then there's aclue that you are saying yes too
much to other people.
Maybe you don't have some clearboundaries that are supportive
of you or your family or yourhealth, and maybe you need to
(16:15):
sort of look at what your valuesare and create some boundaries
around whatever those values areand if those values are, you
know, health and family, thenthe boundaries have to be around
.
Well, what do you need to sayyes or no to, to enforce that
healthy boundary that supportsyou and your health and your
family.
So boundaries aren't aboutpunishing people.
(16:38):
They aren't about walls down,about not talking to people or
isolating ourselves or not beingfriendly or any of that.
They're simply a way of you,like Liz Gilbert said, just
protecting that sacred space,that sacred thing for you, that
you and your family and yourhealth and the things that are
important to you.
And the truth is that if you doprotect that and support that
(17:02):
and look after that and nurturethat, if you're nurturing and
nourishing yourself, you'llactually then have more
available to give to others ifyou choose to.
But the trick is choosing whenyou choose to be in a situation,
or you choose to help someone,or you choose to volunteer for
something.
A situation, or you choose tohelp someone or you choose to
volunteer for something.
There's a very differentfeeling around that, but when
(17:22):
you feel like you're forced todo it, that makes you feel
resentful and it's a veryuncomfortable feeling.
So sometimes it's not alwaysabout what you're doing.
It's about the energy around it.
Is it something you're doingbecause you want to?
Is it something you're doingbecause you somehow feel like
you have to, or someone's talkedyou into something that you
(17:42):
didn't want to do or whatever itis.
Anyway, that is a little bitabout boundaries.
I hope you found that useful.
I would ask you please, as Ialways say, to like, subscribe,
share and, please, feedback,rating and reviews and all that
sort of thing on spotify oryoutube or rumble or or um
(18:04):
itunes or wherever you listen tothis or watch this.
I really want this podcast toget out there more and I need
your help with that.
So please do tell others aboutthis podcast and if you have any
feedback about any topics oranything you would like me to to
um to talk about, uh, let meknow.
And, um, you'll find me.
If you look up fiona cane, thewellness connection, you'll find
(18:26):
me on instagram, and you'llfind me, uh, on um on facebook
as well, and also on x.
Anyway, all right, I hope youhave a lovely week and I will
talk to you again next week.
Thanks bye.
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to be talkingabout boundaries.
People often get confused aboutwhat they are, and so I want to
set the record straight on whatboundaries actually are.
Essentially, when we think ofboundaries, often people think
of boundaries as being sort ofputting walls up around them and
(00:23):
that.
So know not what boundaries are.
But we do need healthyboundaries as humans on this
earth, because people will crossyour boundaries and push you
and get what they want if youlet them.
So we do have to have anawareness around the difference
between you and others andprotecting a space around you
(00:45):
and choosing where to give yourenergy and where not to, and how
you will be treated and how youwon't be treated, those kinds
of things.
So I'm going to there's a fewdefinitions here that I wanted
to actually kind of go through,actually kind of go through.
So what people?
(01:05):
People often think that you knowwhen someone's doing something
you don't want them to do orbehaving a way you don't want
them to do, it's about trying tofix the other person.
But essentially, we can'tchange another person.
You can't fix another person,but what you can do is create
healthy boundaries so that itdoesn't affect you in the way
that it may have if you didn'thave the boundaries, and so it
(01:28):
is important that you learn howto have boundaries and why to
have them.
So I want to talk to you a bitabout what it is.
So people often think thatboundaries, like I said, are
putting walls up or makingyourself more important than
everybody else, but in actualfact, they're about making your
(01:48):
needs equal to everybody else,because often a lot of people
with boundary issues aregenerally kind, considerate
people who put everyone elsefirst, right?
So this is actually just aboutsaying actually, I'm as
important as everybody else thatI'm looking after.
I'm someone who needs lookingafter as well.
So it's not putting yourselffirst, it's actually just
(02:13):
putting yourself even in therunning for anything.
It's actually just making youequal to everybody else, right?
So rather than just being, youlook after everybody except for
yourself and there's nothingleft for you.
So that's essentially what aboundary is, and when we enforce
a boundary so if our boundaryis that we don't work overtime
(02:34):
or that we don't put up withbeing abused, or whatever it is,
well, there's an actionassociated with that.
So it might be okay, if you'regoing to continue to shout at me
, I'm not going to continue thisconversation.
We can come back to it tomorrowand you discontinue a
conversation or you know it'sessentially, or it's leaving
(02:55):
work on time.
If that's what you said, you'regoing to do whatever it is, but
it's essentially enforcing it.
It's just doing the thing thatyou said you would do, or not
putting up with the thing thatyou said you wouldn't put up
with.
Thing that you said you woulddo or not putting up with the
thing that you said you wouldn'tput up with, but the
explanation or theinterpretation of what
boundaries are.
I really love Liz Gilbert'sdescription of boundaries, so
(03:17):
I'm actually going to read it.
It's sort of relatively long,but it's worth reading because
she's defined it really reallywell.
For those who don't know, lizGilbert is a great author and
she's a person who's struggledin the past.
I actually got this from shewrote this on Instagram in 2019
(03:37):
and I copied it because I justthought it was so good.
So I'm kind of writing what shewrote at the time, but I'm
reading what she wrote at thetime, but it's really good.
So she said, okay, so let'shave a quick word about
boundaries.
I'm a person who hashistorically had little,
sometimes no sense of where Iend and another person begins.
(03:58):
That's what I'm saying know thedifference between you and
other people, so that you knowwhere to put boundaries in.
She says I have a soft andneedy heart and thus I've been
quick to abandon myself for theperceived benefit of the other
or to gain perceived affectionsand approval for me.
(04:18):
It has taken me decades tolearn what a boundary is and
what it isn't.
Despite what us nervous overempaths might fear, a boundary
is not a wall, it's not a cruel,it's not punitive and it's not
something that you hide behindin quaking terror.
You can tell she's a writer,can't you?
(04:39):
She just writes this so well.
No, a healthy boundary issimply a circle that you draw
around something that is sacred.
Then you safeguard the sacredthing that abides within that
circle and treat it as holy.
Nobody gets to enter thatsacred circle from a place of
disrespect.
They just don't.
(05:00):
They just can't because sacredperiod.
The great mythologist JosephCampbell said that the only
thing a human being needs to doin order to render something
divine is to draw a circlearound it and say everything
inside this circle is sacred and, lo, it comes to pass.
(05:24):
You get to decide what issacred.
You get to decide what issacred.
You get to decide what getssanctified.
The sacred thing inside thecircle can be your time, your
creativity, your loved ones,your privacy, your recovery,
your values, your mental health,your activism, your joy, your
(05:45):
very heart and soul.
You yourself can stand at thecenter of the sacred circle and
you drew around your very ownbeing and say everything inside.
This is holy, not because youthink you're better than anyone
else, but because you havehumbly accepted stewardship over
the divine and mysterious giftof the universe that is you, and
(06:10):
you choose to honor that giftand take care of it with
reverence.
Anybody who shares and respectsthis sense of your inherent
sacredness is allowed to stepinto the circle.
Anybody who does not or cannotrespect your inherent sacredness
can wait outside the temple.
(06:30):
That's it, that's all.
How well written is that?
It's a really, really gooddescription.
You know boundaries.
It's not about being betterthan anyone.
It's actually just creating asacred space to honor who you
are and to honor your values,and to honor what you're here
for, what you're here to do, andthat's just a lovely way of
(06:53):
looking at it rather thanlooking at it, like I said, like
walls or like some sort ofpunitive punishment or that kind
of thing, it's actually justlooking after you and making
yourself equal to other people.
And she hinted at the beginningtoo, like some of the reasons
why we don't have boundaries.
It's really useful to know this, because if you kind of feel
(07:15):
anxious at the idea of havingboundaries, you might fit into
this category.
But she talks about the factthat she's like needy and often
abandons herself to others forthe perceived benefit of the
other or for affection orapproval, right.
So I know that I used to dothis a lot when I was younger.
I was always sort of chasingafter someone who would approve
(07:37):
me or make me okay.
I would, I'll be okay if if Igot hung around this person, or
I've had this boyfriend orwhatever it was, which is a
typical thing for young peopleto do.
That's and that's why we oftendon't have boundaries, because
we perceive that we need to getsomebody else's approval or
(07:57):
somebody else has to be okaywith us or whatever it is.
And people who are reallymanipulative are really good at
knowing this and recognizingthese people and what they do is
they withhold their love slash,approval slash, acceptance.
Whatever it is that you'relooking for, affection, whatever
(08:18):
it is that you're getting fromthat person, they withhold it
when you don't behave.
And behaving usually means nothaving any boundaries and
letting them do whatever theywant.
Not having any boundaries andletting them do whatever they
want, and not behaving usuallymeans having boundaries and
sometimes choosing yourself tobe just as important as them,
and they see that as a bad thingbecause they want all the
(08:40):
attention on them or all theenergy on them or whatever it is
that they're getting from you.
So people who are like that arereally, really good at shaming
people when they have boundaries.
So when you try and enforce aboundary, these people will try
and shame you out of it.
Oh, you know you don't reallycare.
Oh, don't worry, I'll do itmyself, I'll be fine, you know.
(09:04):
And then you know you reallydon't love me then, or if you
cared, you would do it.
They use all this kind ofemotive stuff, right?
So if you've got someone inyour life who does that, you
know that they actually don'trespect your boundaries and
they're trying to just pushtheir own agenda, and that gives
you a clue that maybe youdefinitely need to enforce
(09:24):
boundaries with those peoplebecause they don't, and they
don't believe that you willenforce your boundary because
you haven't and they don'tbelieve that you will enforce
your boundary because youhaven't in the past.
So they just think, oh well,I'll just push you until they
get you to get back in line anddo what you should do according
to them, right.
So they won't believe you untilthey believe you and they'll
believe you when, eventually,they don't get what they want,
(09:46):
right.
But they won't believe youbefore that and they may try and
shame you and manipulate youinto doing what they want.
The other thing that's reallyinteresting in regards to this
kind of wanting to please people, that sort of thing in regards
to boundaries, is that one ofthe reasons that we might want
(10:06):
to uh, that we might beencouraged to sort of say yes
when we really need no, wereally mean no, sorry is that
maybe we get, maybe there's apayoff for it, and that payoff
might be you might be gettinglike a dopamine response oh,
(10:27):
everyone loves me when I say yes.
So you say yes and everyone'soh, thank you, you're the best,
oh, you're the greatest right.
And in that moment you get adopamine response and you feel
like you're the best.
So be aware that there might bea reason that you're saying yes
and be aware that you're doingthat.
Now, one thing that Brene Browntalks about in regards to this
(10:49):
is she talks about how she, oneof the ways that she enforces
her boundaries is by learninghow to say no, and like no is a
full sentence, you know.
And so what she does and I'vetalked about this before she
says to herself three times, shesays the words choose
(11:09):
discomfort over resentment,choose discomfort over
resentment, choose discomfortover resentment, choose
discomfort over resentment.
And while she's saying that,she's actually turning her,
she's wearing a wedding ring, soshe turns her wedding ring
three times as she's saying it.
So it's become kind of like aset in habit of how she someone
else said to do something orsomeone's trying to step over a
boundary, and she wants to sayno, no or not yet, or not now or
(11:33):
whatever the answer she wantsto give, instead of her standard
yes, of course, which is whatshe's used to doing.
She turns the ring and she sayschoose discomfort over
resentment.
And when you think about whatthat means the discomfort of
saying no, and you won't getyour dopamine response because
you'll get the person'sdisappointed face or they're
(11:54):
trying to manipulate you andshame you.
Oh yes, well, the other mumsare baking for the thing.
It's just you that's not.
I suppose You're not a goodmother or whatever.
Whatever inference the personmakes based on their little
manipulations of you.
So the discomfort of notgetting a dopamine response, of
(12:15):
letting someone down, and thediscomfort of that is worth it,
because otherwise what happensis you've let yourself down and
then you feel resentful.
And if you find that you aredoing the thing for other people
but you're feeling reallyresentful about it, it is
because you're letting yourselfdown and it's because you said
(12:36):
yes when you wanted to say no.
Now you could be doing the samething for other people and
feeling really good about it,but it's just a matter of choice
.
So when you say I choose to goand do this thing, or take this
person shopping, or help someoneclean their house, or spend
some time with this person orthat person, whatever it is,
(12:56):
volunteer to do something, whenyou choose to do that and you
choose to do it and you want todo it, and you're doing it
because you want to be there,that is fine.
But when you're doing it forany other reason and you
actually wish that you said no,you can feel really resentful
when you're doing it.
So if you are feeling reallyresentful, that's because you
(13:19):
didn't choose the discomfortover the resentment, so you've
ended up feeling the resentmentinstead.
And the problem with thissituation is we sort of start to
become a bit of a martyr andthen we want people to somehow
read our mind and know that wedon't want to do it.
Or you know, like I've beendoing this for years.
Eventually they're going torealize that it's really hard on
me and someone else is going tostep up, guess what.
That's very unlikely to happen.
(13:41):
Generally speaking, most peopleare happy if someone does
something that they don't haveto do and they're not going to
say anything.
They don't want to upset theapple cart, right?
They're not going to point outto you that you shouldn't be
doing it if they're the nextperson in line to be doing it,
right?
So when someone's on a goodwicket and they've got you doing
things for them and they've gotyou saying yes to everything,
(14:05):
looking after them and they'regetting out of doing things that
they should be doing forthemselves, they're in a good
wicket.
They're not going to tell youthat you're overdoing it or you
should look after yourself, orany of that.
You actually have to make achoice and you have to actually
make a choice that you are justas important as they are and
(14:25):
therefore you deserve to say yesto you sometimes.
And that's the thing the moreyeses you give to everybody else
, the more no's you're giving toyou sometimes.
And that's the thing the moreyeses you give to everybody else
, the more no's you're giving toyou, because often the yeses to
other people are no's to you.
And if you're saying no toyourself all of the time, you're
not valuing yourself, well thenyou will continue, you will
(14:47):
believe that you're not worthvaluing and you'll be giving and
you'll again.
You're giving that message outto others, and that just
continues over and over.
Actually, I was listening to apodcast this morning.
I can't remember which podcastit was now, but someone said
their mother said the motherwent to a psychologist and said
(15:08):
well, I'm sick of being adoormat.
And the psychologist said well,stop being one.
Okay, now, that might soundnasty and that might sound mean,
but the truth is that we takepart in this as well, so these
things don't just happen to us.
To a certain extent we choosethem.
Or if we don't stop it or dosomething different or say
(15:31):
something different, then we'rechoosing to stay in the
situation and I understandthere's all sorts of reasons why
this might happen.
I'm not talking about, you know, there's obviously issues if
people are in domestic violenceor other situations where
they're not safe.
That's a different story.
No judgment there.
No judgment anyway, because youknow, life is life and these
things are complicated.
However, if you want things tobe different in your life and if
(15:54):
you're not looking afteryourself, if you're not
achieving your goals or lookingafter your health or whatever it
is that's not happening for youand you're feeling resentful a
lot of the time, then there's aclue that you are saying yes too
much to other people.
Maybe you don't have some clearboundaries that are supportive
of you or your family or yourhealth, and maybe you need to
(16:15):
sort of look at what your valuesare and create some boundaries
around whatever those values areand if those values are, you
know, health and family, thenthe boundaries have to be around
.
Well, what do you need to sayyes or no to, to enforce that
healthy boundary that supportsyou and your health and your
family.
So boundaries aren't aboutpunishing people.
(16:38):
They aren't about walls down,about not talking to people or
isolating ourselves or not beingfriendly or any of that.
They're simply a way of you,like Liz Gilbert said, just
protecting that sacred space,that sacred thing for you, that
you and your family and yourhealth and the things that are
important to you.
And the truth is that if you doprotect that and support that
(17:02):
and look after that and nurturethat, if you're nurturing and
nourishing yourself, you'llactually then have more
available to give to others ifyou choose to.
But the trick is choosing whenyou choose to be in a situation,
or you choose to help someone,or you choose to volunteer for
something.
A situation, or you choose tohelp someone or you choose to
volunteer for something.
There's a very differentfeeling around that, but when
(17:22):
you feel like you're forced todo it, that makes you feel
resentful and it's a veryuncomfortable feeling.
So sometimes it's not alwaysabout what you're doing.
It's about the energy around it.
Is it something you're doingbecause you want to?
Is it something you're doingbecause you somehow feel like
you have to, or someone's talkedyou into something that you
(17:42):
didn't want to do or whatever itis.
Anyway, that is a little bitabout boundaries.
I hope you found that useful.
I would ask you please, as Ialways say, to like, subscribe,
share and, please, feedback,rating and reviews and all that
sort of thing on spotify oryoutube or rumble or or um
(18:04):
itunes or wherever you listen tothis or watch this.
I really want this podcast toget out there more and I need
your help with that.
So please do tell others aboutthis podcast and if you have any
feedback about any topics oranything you would like me to to
um to talk about, uh, let meknow.
And, um, you'll find me.
If you look up fiona cane, thewellness connection, you'll find
(18:26):
me on instagram, and you'llfind me, uh, on um on facebook
as well, and also on x.
Anyway, all right, I hope youhave a lovely week and I will
talk to you again next week.
Thanks bye.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!