January 16, 2025 • 33 mins
Help me out!
My book Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice comes out in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS! Preorder now so you can get it first!
Have you ever felt like talking to your kids is like speaking an entirely different language? You tell them to put on their shoes, and suddenly it’s like you’ve asked them to climb a mountain. Believe me, I’ve been there. In this episode, I’m breaking down why our kids don’t always seem to get what we’re saying—and spoiler alert, it’s not because they’re ignoring us.
We’ll dive into the science behind how kids’ brains work, why they process the world differently from adults, and how we can adjust our approach to get through to them. I’ll share five creative hacks I use with my own kids—simple tools that help me communicate in a way they actually understand. If you’re tired of power struggles and tantrums, this episode is packed with practical tips that can make life a little easier (and a lot more fun).
What You’ll Learn
- Why kids’ brains work differently
I’ll explain how their brains are still under construction and why emotional reactions often take over. - How to communicate in ways that work for them
From using stories to simplifying language, you’ll learn how to meet your kids where they are. - Five creative hacks for talking to your kids
I’ll walk you through how I:- Use iPad bugs to make screen-time transitions smoother.
- Play tooth detective to turn teeth brushing into a fun, nightly ritual.
- Talk to my kids’ bellies to encourage healthier eating choices.
- Sing instructions to make them stick (hello, Daniel Tiger fans!).
- Use puppets to make even tough conversations more approachable.
Why This Matters
I truly believe that how we communicate with our kids shapes not only their behavior but their emotional development and sense of connection. When we approach communication with playfulness and empathy, we’re not just avoiding meltdowns—we’re building trust and lifelong communication habits.
This Week’s Challenge
Try one of these hacks! Whether it’s rethinking how you handle screen time or singing through a tricky moment, I’d love to hear what worked for you.
Resources I Mentioned
- The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Daniel Siegel
- The Way of Play by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent
Let’s Connect
I love hearing from you! Share your thoughts on this episode, tell me what hack you’re excited to try, or let me know about your own creative communication wins.
- Email: podcast@wholeparentacademy.com
- Social Media: @WholeParent on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok
Want More?
If you found this episode helpful, please leave a review or rate the podcast—those 5-star reviews mean the world to me and help get the message out. And don’t forget to preorder my book, Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice. It’s packed with tools just like the ones we talked about today, but dives even deeper into how to parent with connection at the center.
Thanks for listening, and until next time, let’s keep learning how to speak kid—it might just change your life (and theirs)!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jon @wholeparent (00:00):
Welcome to the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
If there's one thing thatseparates us humans from the
rest of the animal kingdom, it'sour mouths, specifically what
we do with them.
Verbal communication is one ofthe most complicated and
uniquely human skills that wehave.
The ability to form words, toconvey ideas, express emotions
(00:23):
and try and connect with peoplearound us is pretty
mind-boggling if you pause andthink about it for a second.
You tell your children that youlove them.
You read out loud the sonnetsof Shakespeare, you try to
explain that hilarious TikTokvideo to your partner.
At the end of the day, allwe're doing when we talk is
pushing air through our throatswhile carefully contracting a
(00:44):
bunch of tiny little muscles inour faces to make a bunch of
sounds, sounds that are more orless random to anyone who
doesn't speak our language, andyet to those who do.
Carefully chosen words canevoke emotions like few other
things.
And then there's the culturalaspect.
And then there's the culturalaspect.
(01:06):
Words communicate ideas, andthat means people from different
cultures with different ideasdon't always mean the same
things when they use the samewords.
One of my graduate professorstold us this story about getting
coffee in Boston while he wasat a conference there in the
1990s.
He orders a coffee and the guybehind the counter asks him if
he wants it regular or cream andsugar.
Light cream and sugar.
(01:27):
My professor replies Great,says the guy.
The guy turns around, he pourshim a cup and he proceeds to
start to dump loads of creaminto this coffee.
Horrified, my professor getsthe guy's attention and starts
clarifying Uh, really, lightcream.
You got it, boss.
The guy says with a shrug thatclearly says suit yourself.
(01:49):
He turns back around and dumpshalf the cup of coffee out, not
to make room for more coffee butto make room for more cream.
Turns out in Boston a regularcoffee is a coffee with two
creams and two sugars.
Light means that you want acoffee that's light in color,
(02:12):
really light.
What my professor asked formeans that you want to splash a
coffee in your cream.
On this episode of the WholeParent Podcast, we're talking
about talking Specifically theway that we talk to our kids
Because, let's be honest,sometimes it feels like we're
speaking entirely differentlanguages.
If you've ever said to yourkids, put on your shoes, we're
(02:35):
leaving, and been met with ablank stare or worse, a
full-blown tantrum, you knowexactly what I mean.
Explaining even the simplestconcepts to kids can feel like
being a Chicago guy trying toorder a coffee in Boston.
Sometimes it feels like you'reshouting into the void, but
here's the thing.
It's not because they'reignoring us Well, okay,
(02:59):
sometimes it's because they'reignoring us, but not all of the
time.
More often than that, it'sbecause of the way that kids
process the world, in afundamentally different way than
we do.
Their brains are wired forstories, for metaphors, for play
, not for logic and reasoning.
So how do we bridge the gap?
How do we learn how totranslate put your shoes on to
(03:20):
something that actually makessense in their world?
In this episode, I'm going toshare five creative ways that I
talk to my kids, ways that helpthem understand what I'm asking,
cooperate without a fight andeven make some of those dreaded
tasks like brushing your teethor turning off the screens a
little fun.
We'll dive into the power ofmetaphor, why storytelling works
better than commands, and howwe meet kids where they are
(03:42):
developmentally.
Along the way, I'm going totell you how my imaginary iPad
bugs have helped curb screentime, why I talk to my kids'
bellies, about their food andthe weird games that we play
every night to make teethbrushing a battle-free
experience.
If you're looking for practical, creative tools to connect with
your kids and maybe even avoida few meltdowns along the way,
(04:04):
you're in the right place.
Before we get into thepractical tasks, I want to start
with a little bit ofneuroscience, because
understanding how kids' brainswork changes everything about
how we approach talking to them.
Let's start with a big pictureidea.
(04:25):
Your child's brain is a work inprogress.
It's under construction.
There's a foundation there,like breathing and eating and
even emotional responses, butthe fancy wiring for impulse
control, long-term planning andreasoning it's still being
installed.
A lot of this fancy wiringhappens in their prefrontal
cortex, which isn't evendeveloped until your child is
(04:47):
into their mid-20s.
That means a lot of what weexpect kids to do, like calmly
explaining their feelings orreasoning through a tough
situation, is neurologicallyimpossible for them to do.
It's not that they're refusingto cooperate.
It's that their brainsliterally haven't caught up to
those expectations yet fusing tocooperate.
It's that their brainsliterally haven't caught up to
those expectations yet.
Research by doctors like BrucePerry, a leading neuroscientist
(05:09):
in child trauma and development,have shown that young children
rely heavily on their limbicsystem, the emotional part of
their brain to process the world.
They aren't processing thingsin their prefrontal cortex the
same way that adults do, becauseit's not fully formed yet.
That's why they have bigreactions to seemingly small,
insignificant things.
If you've ever given athree-year-old the wrong color
(05:32):
cup, you've witnessed the limbicsystem in action.
What's more, a developedprefrontal cortex is what allows
us, as adults, to effectivelydelay gratification and not go
for those things in the momentthat might not be healthy for us
in the long term.
What we have to realize asparents is that our kids are not
just tiny adults.
They experience the worldcompletely differently because
(05:53):
their brains are just different.
They're driven by emotion andimmediate needs and a desire for
connection.
That's where our communicationmatters the most, and that's why
they don't just need to learnhow to listen to us.
We need to learn how to talk tothem.
When we yell and demand andbribe, we're speaking a language
(06:13):
of our fully adult brainsReasoning, logic, authority.
But to connect with our kids,we need to speak in the language
of their developing brainsStories, play, empathy,
curiosity.
We need to speak in thelanguage of their developing
brains Stories, play, empathy,curiosity.
Two of my favorite authors inthis area researchers in their
own right.
Drs Tina Payne, bryson and DaneSiegel wrote this book, the
Whole Brain Child.
(06:34):
I talk about it a lot.
One of the things that's somemorable from that book is
their upstairs-downstairs brainmetaphor.
The idea here is that theupstairs brain, the prefrontal
cortex, comes offline.
It goes dark when thedownstairs brain starts to drive
.
They write.
When a child is upset, they'reoperating from their downstairs
brain.
(06:54):
Our job as parents is to helpthem climb the stairs.
That's why connecting firstbefore correcting becomes so
incredibly important.
A child who feels heard andunderstood is far more likely to
cooperate than one who feelsdismissed and controlled.
But that's not the only waythat their brain differs from an
adult.
Kids also process languagedifferently because they have a
(07:18):
different attention span.
Using complex big words doesn'twork for them.
They need simple and concretecommunication.
For example, if you saysomething like pick up your toys
, we have guests coming over andit's going to be easier for
everyone to walk around, thatmight make sense to your adult
brain, but to a child that'sjust way too much information.
A child's brain latches on tothe first and the last thing
(07:41):
they hear, which leaves out themiddle the first and the last
thing they hear, which leavesout the middle.
In this case, your reasoning.
Translating that same idea intokid language would sound
something like let's pick upyour toys so we have room to
play with our friends.
It's the same idea, just saidin a way that they can actually
understand.
Lastly and this one's really bigoften it's not even what we're
saying, it's how we're saying it.
(08:02):
When we communicate with ourkids out of anger or frustration
, they pick up on that emotionmore than they pick up on what
we're saying at all.
The mirror neurons, the neuronsin their brain that mimic what
they see out in the world,especially the actions and
impressions of their parents,fire, and they're more likely to
throw a tantrum, not becausewhat we're asking is
(08:23):
unreasonable, but because theyare triggered by us being
triggered.
On the other hand, when we staycalm and use really thoughtful,
constructed language, weactually show our kids how we
want them to receive thatlanguage.
And so if you're frustratedthat your kid is having a
meltdown over what you're saying, the question is not only am I
communicating with them in a waythat they can understand, it's
(08:44):
also am I communicating in a waythat's making them feel
threatened or anxious?
Here's the big takeaway If youwant to get through to your kids
, you have to understand theirincredible and yes, often
frustrating brain.
Their brains are buildingconnections every day, and how
we communicate with them is ahuge part of what shapes that
(09:06):
process.
Okay, now that we've talkedabout why this stuff is
important, I want to give youfive really creative hacks that
I use to communicate with mykids in ways that actually work.
I'll give you each hack andthen I'll explain briefly why it
seems to work.
Feel free to use these exactlyas I lay them out, or to adapt
(09:29):
them for your kid.
Not all kids are the same andso not all metaphors are going
to work the same way.
Here are just five that seem toreally work for my kids, and it
makes sense because they workwith the brain and not against
it.
Okay, kid communication hacknumber one I call this iPad bugs
.
I kind of alluded to it in theintroduction.
(09:49):
If you have kids who are acertain age that they're
starting to use and utilizescreens, you know that it can be
really really hard to get themoff of those screens.
The reason that it's reallyhard to get kids off of screens
is pretty simple Dopamine.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitterin our brain, basically a
messenger that communicatesthings, and dopamine is the
(10:11):
neurotransmitter thatcommunicates.
Very simply, give me more ofthis thing.
What we know with adults isthat dopamine is released when
we do pleasurable experiences.
For example, a lot of dopamineis released when we are intimate
with our partner, whetherthat's physical intimacy or even
emotional intimacy.
What we don't often think aboutis that for our kids, screens
are dopamine superchargers.
(10:32):
That's why Dr Anna Lemke, apsychiatrist at Stanford and
author of the book DopamineNation, says that screens
themselves are alluring andpotentially intoxicating to kids
at any age.
That means that when it comestime to get off the screen,
often kids will have what'scalled a dopamine surge.
It's a moment when your child'sbrain reacts to the stimulus
(10:53):
that's triggering dopamineproduction in their brain by
giving them a surge of dopamineto try and get them to fight
back and get that stimulus backfrom you.
This is why a lot of kids,especially neurodivergent kids
diagnosed with ADHD, a conditionthat deeply impacts dopamine
production in the brain, canhave an almost feral reaction to
the end of screen time.
(11:14):
It feels like a threat to theirsurvival and so they go into
fight or flight, desperatelyscrambling to try and keep that
dopamine coming.
Understanding how screenstrigger dopamine in kids and
then subsequently that dopaminesurge causes kids to have a huge
meltdown, is actually exactlywhat I'm communicating to my
kids when we talk about iPadbugs.
(11:35):
Most adults, I know, can'treally fully grasp how
neurotransmitters like dopaminework inside their own brain, but
conceptualizing it is actuallyincredibly freeing, not only for
adults but also for young kids.
That's where I came up with theidea for iPad bugs.
Basically, I explained it to mykids in this way After we have
a particularly bad meltdown overthe screen going away a
(11:58):
dopamine-fueled tantrum what Icall the iPad bugs wreaking
havoc I'll talk to my kids aboutthe iPad bugs and why they felt
the way that they did.
I don't try and do that in themoment.
Researchers say that it takesabout 5 minutes for the effects
of a dopamine surge to wear offon kids, but often times I'll
(12:19):
wait as much as 15 or 20 minutesbefore I readdress with my kid
what just happened.
I'll start by asking themquestions like how did that feel
to have the iPad taken away?
Or even what were you doingthat made you feel like it was
so bad to stop?
I then validate theirexperience.
I tell them that even adultsstruggle with screen usage,
(12:40):
which isn't just something I say.
I know this to be true ofmyself and so many parents that
I know.
And then I immediately pivot totalking about the iPad bugs,
the real villain of our story.
Ipad bugs are the name that I'vegiven to the dopamine that's
triggered by screen use.
I explained to them that whilethey're using a screen, they
have little bugs in their brainthat come out and say I want
(13:01):
more iPad.
I want more iPad, and I evenuse sometimes really silly
voices for these.
That I'm not going to do on thepodcast, but you can imagine.
I explained to them that thelonger that they use the iPad,
the more iPad bugs come out, andthe more iPad bugs that are out
, the louder they're going to bewhen it's time to be done with
the screen.
I explained to them that it'snot really them who wants to
(13:23):
keep using the iPad.
It's the iPad bugs screaming atthem that they want to keep
going.
And, most importantly, Iexplained to them that everyone,
even grownups, have iPad bugs,and it makes it hard to stop.
What's truly amazing about thisis where my kids probably would
not understand anything that wejust talked about with
neurotransmitters like dopamine.
Ipad bugs are a very clearpicture of what's going on for
(13:45):
them and, most importantly, itexpresses to them a really deep
and profound truth, which isthat hormones like dopamine can
deeply affect our mood and howwe react to things.
After two or threeconversations like this, even my
toddlers mood and how we reactto things.
After two or threeconversations like this, even my
toddlers can explain to me,when they're not in a dopamine
surge meltdown, exactly whatiPad bugs are all about and at
(14:06):
some point, when they reallyinternalize it, we can start
using that iPad bugs languagebefore the tantrum happens,
oftentimes significantlyshortening them or avoiding them
altogether when they start tofeel that dopamine surge and
they want to react.
All I have to say now is I hearthose iPad bugs coming out and
oftentimes my kids will smileand playfully tell those iPad
(14:28):
bugs to get the heck out of here.
I'm trying to move on with myday.
Of course, this doesn't meanthat we never have problems
getting off the screens.
Things change over time.
My eight-year-old is lessaffected by this language than
he once was, but I would guessthat we've avoided about 90% of
that iPad-fueled dopamine ragejust by learning how to talk in
a way that they understand, thatthey can conceptualize and that
(14:50):
they can draw on in moments ofdysregulation, on in moments of
dysregulation.
Okay, hack number two I callthis tooth detective.
This is the way that I talk tomy kids about brushing their
teeth.
A lot of dentists I know willjust use kind of a variation of
the iPad bug idea.
(15:11):
They call them sugar bugs andthe idea is that you have to get
into your mouth and clean allthose sugar bugs away because
they could eat at your teethduring the night, and if that
works for you, that's fantastic.
What I found in my personallife is that that creates a
level of discomfort and feararound tooth hygiene that I just
don't need in my life.
So while I will stillabsolutely tell my kids that the
(15:32):
reason that we brush our teethis primarily to avoid cavities,
which I will just explain tothem as really uncomfortable
bonks or injuries that they'llfeel inside their mouth, really
I try and make this into a gamethat I call Tooth Detective.
They've actually come to like itso much that at this point,
even though my wife does bedtimefor my middle two almost every
(15:53):
single night, they still want meto be the one to come brush
their teeth and play toothdetective.
The game works like this I amthe tooth detective.
They open their mouth and Iinvestigate their teeth, looking
for all of the different thingsthat they might have eaten that
day.
Some days I've spent almost theentire day with them, and so I
know everything that they'veeaten and I basically get a
hundred percent.
Other days, they've beenwatched by my wife or someone
(16:15):
else, and that means that I haveto guess what they've eaten.
What makes this fun for them isthat they are the ones who get
to tell me yes or no.
They're excited to tell me whenI'm wrong and when I'm right,
and so as I'm brushing theirteeth, I say things like oh, I
think there's a banana back here.
Where did that come from?
Is there some cereal up here inthe front?
Did you eat pizza today?
(16:36):
They giggle and they laugh andthey tell me whether I'm right
or wrong.
This has been a huge one for us,because my oldest really did
not like brushing his teeth andwe didn't have any way to make
it fun for him, and so I amreally embarrassed to say we
just didn't brush his teethenough.
As a result, when he was four,we took him to a dentist where
he had some pretty significantcavities so significant, in fact
(16:59):
, that he had to be put undergeneral anesthesia so that he
could have all of them takencare of.
That experience was traumaticand difficult in its own way,
and I'm sure in some futureepisode I'll talk about how to
process trauma like that withkids.
But suffice it to say our wayof thinking about teeth brushing
changed pretty drasticallyafter that.
But I didn't want to hold mykids down or force them to do
(17:21):
this, because I knew that thatwould invoke its own level of
trauma and discomfort.
That was just unnecessary.
So instead I thought about howthey viewed things, I thought
about the way that theyunderstood their teeth and I
tailored an approach that wasspecific to that.
Kids may not understandbacteria and microorganisms that
are present in sugar that canstay on your teeth and slowly
(17:44):
eat away at the enamel.
But what they can understand isthat you shouldn't leave food
in your teeth because it couldcause problems.
And so by simply playing toothdetective we accomplish the goal
of getting them to brush theirteeth while also making an
enjoyable enough experience thatthey don't build a negative
association with dental hygiene.
Again.
Does this mean that the momentthat I started doing this, I've
(18:04):
never once had a night when mykid didn't want to brush their
teeth?
Of course not, but the changebetween my first son and my next
two kids has been absolutelyprofound.
What was once a nightly anddifficult battle has become a
fun and engaging connectionpoint at the end of the day.
And that's ultimately the goalof really good communication to
(18:24):
turn difficult moments intoconnection points.
Okay, hack number three isanother one having to have
around the house, whether it's aholiday or some other reason.
(18:54):
Rather than trying tocommunicate with their mouth, I
communicate with their belly,and then I communicate as their
belly back to me.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say my three-year-old isasking for cereal for the third
time today, not to shame anyoneabout their dietary choices with
their kids, but to me thatwould probably not be something
that I would want to encourage.
(19:15):
Rather than just saying, no,you can't have cereal today, or
you've had enough cereal today,I'll just default and talk to
their belly.
Hey, belly, what do you thinkLiam's mouth is saying?
That he wants more cereal, thatit tastes good.
Do you need more cereal or doyou need something different.
That's when the belly chimes in.
Yes, I understand that themouth wants more cereal, but I
(19:39):
need something with protein.
To be clear, the belly hasdifferent voices, but I'm
choosing the goblin belly voicetoday because it's probably the
least annoying on a recording.
Fairy belly is more like thisand you don't want to hear me do
that for the next minute.
The conversation between me andthe belly continues.
But, belly, the mouth reallywants more cereal.
Why do you need protein?
(20:00):
Mouth wants more cereal becausecereal tastes good.
Lots of things taste good.
Some things give me more tohelp grow.
Belly, are you saying that younever want to have cereal again?
No, of course I like cereal,but cereal only one time per day
, maybe in morning for breakfasttime.
Now is dinner time.
I need sandwich, somethingdelicious with peanut butter.
(20:24):
Oh, maybe a peanut butter andhoney sandwich.
Does that sound good?
Belly, peanut butter soundsgood.
At this point we add Mouth backto the conversation.
I don't communicate his mouth.
Liam communicates his mouth,but I'll do my best impression
of him.
What do you think Mouth?
Belly seems to want peanutbutter.
What do you want?
I still want cereal.
You still want cereal.
(20:45):
Can we find something thatMouth and Belly both like if you
don't like, a sandwich Pasta.
Yeah, pasta sounds good, butbelly was asking for some
protein.
Can we do pasta with sauce?
This back and forth dialoguebetween dad, belly and mouth
usually comes to a resolutionwhere belly's needs are
(21:07):
satisfied, while Liam stillfeels like he has agency in the
choice and he's still pickingsomething that works for him.
The important thing to rememberis that I'm communicating on
behalf of my three-year-old'sbody.
The truth is, his body will notfeel as good if he doesn't get
good nutrition.
I'm just voicing that for him,so it doesn't become a command
from dad.
It becomes a conversation withhis own body.
(21:29):
I want to pause here for amoment before we move on to
hacks four and five, to addresswhat is often an elephant in the
room with these first three.
When I talk to parents aboutthese three, they will often say
that I'm lying or somehowmanipulating my kid.
Explaining something to someonein a way that they will
understand is not manipulationor dishonesty.
There is a chemical in mychild's brain that is demanding
(21:51):
more of the screen.
That chemical is dopamine.
And just because I'm explainingdopamine as iPad bugs with a
metaphor does not make itdishonest.
It makes it age anddevelopmentally appropriate
communication that can actuallylead to a deeper understanding
of themselves and their world.
The same is true with theirteeth and their world.
(22:14):
The same is true with theirteeth.
I'm not actually findingbananas in their teeth, but I am
trying to eliminate the residuethat came from the banana, even
though it's microscopic, and Ican't see it.
To a toddler, something that isso small that you cannot see it
does not exist, and so Iexpress to them that I can see
something because it helps themunderstand that it actually
exists.
Again, not dishonesty, justexplaining in terms that they
(22:36):
can understand.
This last one, talking to thebelly, is the one that I get the
most pushback from.
It feels wrong to expresswhat's happening in a child's
body when you can't actuallyknow.
But take a step back for amoment.
You know what you would feellike if all you ate all day was
sugar.
It would not be that your mouthstopped liking that sugar.
It would be that your belly,your digestive system, started
(22:59):
to reject it.
So is it really that much of astretch to communicate ahead of
time to future project somethingyour child's prefrontal cortex
is not yet developed enough todo and say I'm not going to feel
good if I stay on this lesshealthy trajectory.
The key here is understandingthat educating a child is a
discipline of negotiation.
(23:20):
We have to teach kids things inways that they can actually
internalize and understand, anda lot of good can come from us
communicating things that mostpeople think are too complex for
children to understand insimpler ways that they actually
can.
So if any of these make youfeel uncomfortable, feel free to
not use them or to adapt themin ways that feel more honest to
(23:41):
you.
But I wanted to address, beforeI move on, that this can feel a
little uncomfortable to adultsraised in Western culture that
doesn't use myth and story thesame ways as our ancestors did,
ways that often are the best wayto communicate with a child's
brain.
Okay, hacks four and five I'mnot actually going to give you
(24:07):
examples of because we're out oftime on this episode, but I did
want to offer them to you astools that you can use if and
when it makes sense to use them.
Unlike the first three, theseare not tools of what we
communicate.
These are tools of how we mightcommunicate better.
The first one is choosing tosing your words rather than just
speak them or explain them.
Researchers have found thatmusic impacts the brain in a
(24:30):
really unique way.
Specifically, it activates boththe limbic system the
downstairs brain, as Tina andDan call it and the prefrontal
cortex the upstairs brain at thesame time.
What this means is that whenyou sing something to your child
, they're more likely toactually be able to internalize
and hear it.
Similarly, if your child isstruggling with a specific
behavior or a concept or somerule of society, creating a song
(24:54):
about that thing can help it bememorable and accessible in
moments of dysregulation.
If you're looking for a list ofsongs that cover a wide variety
of topics and tend to be reallyeffective with young kids, go
and check out Daniel Tiger.
I'm not sponsored by PBS or theFred Rogers Corporation or
anything like that.
I just think Daniel Tiger hasthe absolute best songs that you
(25:15):
can sing to your kid.
Whether it's potty time orfrustration or loneliness or
fear, that can absolutely be agame changer.
So the next time you're reallystruggling to communicate a
concept to your child, trysinging it.
The last one is another MrRogers classic, and that is Hack
5, use, use puppets.
In my experience with childrenboth my own and many other
(25:36):
children, I have found that kidsare so much more willing to
listen to and communicate with apuppet than with an adult.
Puppets are just magical and Ihope that somebody studies this
someday.
I've started to utilize puppetsin my own parenting and it has
totally taken it to the nextlevel, especially with kids who
are in that three, four,five-year-old age range.
(25:57):
Concepts that I teach my kidswith a puppet seem to stick
significantly better thanconcepts that I explain as their
dad.
Again, a lot of theneuroscience behind this I don't
understand.
What I know is that it works.
And if you're thinking toyourself right now but, john, I
don't have any experience as apuppeteer, I don't even have any
puppets around my house, that'sokay.
A puppet to a child can just bea stuffed animal that you hold
(26:20):
and use a silly voice for.
I remember this one time whenwe were trapped in a traffic jam
in Chicago.
It was hours and hours ofsitting strapped into a car seat
and my kids were absolutelylosing it.
I saw that we had a little Liloand Stitch stuffed animal.
It was Stitch and I picked itup and I started to talk to my
kids as Stitch.
Suddenly, all of the anxietyand dysregulation of the
(26:42):
situation completely disappeared.
My kids started having fun withStitch, talking to him, playing
games with him, and the timepassed so much more quickly and
with so many fewer tears andtantrums.
Stitch wasn't even a puppet.
I was just holding him in a waywhere I bounced him on every
word and I faced my face awayfrom them so that they didn't
(27:02):
see my mouth moving.
But even that was probablyunnecessary.
Kids want to believe, and so,if you even give them the
opportunity, they will believein the puppet.
If there's one thing I hope youtake away from this episode,
it's that the way that we talkto our kids has the power to
shape not only their behavior,but also their sense of
self-connection, their emotionaldevelopment.
(27:22):
Whether it's using puppets orsinging or metaphors like iPad
bugs talking to their belly orbeing a tooth detective, these
approaches aren't just aboutgetting your kids to cooperate
in the moment.
They're about building trust,connection and communication
habits that are going to lastthem a lifetime.
So this week I challenge you totry one of these hacks.
Maybe it's just rethinking apart of your daily routine and
(27:44):
singing about it, or finding aplayful way to explain something
to your kid.
That usually is met withresistance, whatever it is,
approach it with the mindsetthat communication is primarily
about connection, not compliance.
I want to leave you with onemore metaphor.
Say a person came to work nextto you at your job who didn't
(28:04):
speak the same language as you.
Would you just continually tellthem things in your native
language with increasingintensity, until they finally
got the picture?
Or would you learn tocommunicate in ways that would
actually work with the way thatthey understood the world and
communicated themselves?
Kids aren't just mini-adultswho we can shape and form using
(28:24):
our adult-centric language.
They have to be communicatedwith on the terms that their
brain development allow, and sogo out there and learn how to
speak, kid, because it willabsolutely change not only your
life but theirs too.
If this episode resonated withyou, I would love to hear from
(28:46):
you.
You can leave a review on ApplePodcast.
You can rate this show fivestars.
You have no idea how much ithelps us to get the message out
and make sure to email me.
Tell me what hack you'reexcited to try or what creative
communication skills you usedafter listening to this episode
that worked really well.
You can send that email topodcast at wholeparentacademycom
(29:08):
or shoot me a message on socialmedia at Whole Parent, as
always.
If you liked this episode,don't forget to subscribe and
share it with another parent inyour life who might find it
helpful.
And if you haven't pre-orderedmy book, Punishment-Free
Parenting the Brain-Based Way toRaise Kids Without Raising your
Voice, now is the time.
It's packed with tools andinsights that are really similar
to what I talk about in thepodcast.
(29:29):
But just go deeper to help youparent with less stress and more
connection.
Until next time, I'm John.
This has been the Whole ParentPodcast.
Welcome to the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
If there's one thing thatseparates us humans from the
rest of the animal kingdom, it'sour mouths, specifically what
we do with them.
Verbal communication is one ofthe most complicated and
uniquely human skills that wehave.
The ability to form words, toconvey ideas, express emotions
(00:23):
and try and connect with peoplearound us is pretty
mind-boggling if you pause andthink about it for a second.
You tell your children that youlove them.
You read out loud the sonnetsof Shakespeare, you try to
explain that hilarious TikTokvideo to your partner.
At the end of the day, allwe're doing when we talk is
pushing air through our throatswhile carefully contracting a
(00:44):
bunch of tiny little muscles inour faces to make a bunch of
sounds, sounds that are more orless random to anyone who
doesn't speak our language, andyet to those who do.
Carefully chosen words canevoke emotions like few other
things.
And then there's the culturalaspect.
And then there's the culturalaspect.
(01:06):
Words communicate ideas, andthat means people from different
cultures with different ideasdon't always mean the same
things when they use the samewords.
One of my graduate professorstold us this story about getting
coffee in Boston while he wasat a conference there in the
1990s.
He orders a coffee and the guybehind the counter asks him if
he wants it regular or cream andsugar.
Light cream and sugar.
(01:27):
My professor replies Great,says the guy.
The guy turns around, he pourshim a cup and he proceeds to
start to dump loads of creaminto this coffee.
Horrified, my professor getsthe guy's attention and starts
clarifying Uh, really, lightcream.
You got it, boss.
The guy says with a shrug thatclearly says suit yourself.
(01:49):
He turns back around and dumpshalf the cup of coffee out, not
to make room for more coffee butto make room for more cream.
Turns out in Boston a regularcoffee is a coffee with two
creams and two sugars.
Light means that you want acoffee that's light in color,
(02:12):
really light.
What my professor asked formeans that you want to splash a
coffee in your cream.
On this episode of the WholeParent Podcast, we're talking
about talking Specifically theway that we talk to our kids
Because, let's be honest,sometimes it feels like we're
speaking entirely differentlanguages.
If you've ever said to yourkids, put on your shoes, we're
(02:35):
leaving, and been met with ablank stare or worse, a
full-blown tantrum, you knowexactly what I mean.
Explaining even the simplestconcepts to kids can feel like
being a Chicago guy trying toorder a coffee in Boston.
Sometimes it feels like you'reshouting into the void, but
here's the thing.
It's not because they'reignoring us Well, okay,
(02:59):
sometimes it's because they'reignoring us, but not all of the
time.
More often than that, it'sbecause of the way that kids
process the world, in afundamentally different way than
we do.
Their brains are wired forstories, for metaphors, for play
, not for logic and reasoning.
So how do we bridge the gap?
How do we learn how totranslate put your shoes on to
(03:20):
something that actually makessense in their world?
In this episode, I'm going toshare five creative ways that I
talk to my kids, ways that helpthem understand what I'm asking,
cooperate without a fight andeven make some of those dreaded
tasks like brushing your teethor turning off the screens a
little fun.
We'll dive into the power ofmetaphor, why storytelling works
better than commands, and howwe meet kids where they are
(03:42):
developmentally.
Along the way, I'm going totell you how my imaginary iPad
bugs have helped curb screentime, why I talk to my kids'
bellies, about their food andthe weird games that we play
every night to make teethbrushing a battle-free
experience.
If you're looking for practical, creative tools to connect with
your kids and maybe even avoida few meltdowns along the way,
(04:04):
you're in the right place.
Before we get into thepractical tasks, I want to start
with a little bit ofneuroscience, because
understanding how kids' brainswork changes everything about
how we approach talking to them.
Let's start with a big pictureidea.
(04:25):
Your child's brain is a work inprogress.
It's under construction.
There's a foundation there,like breathing and eating and
even emotional responses, butthe fancy wiring for impulse
control, long-term planning andreasoning it's still being
installed.
A lot of this fancy wiringhappens in their prefrontal
cortex, which isn't evendeveloped until your child is
(04:47):
into their mid-20s.
That means a lot of what weexpect kids to do, like calmly
explaining their feelings orreasoning through a tough
situation, is neurologicallyimpossible for them to do.
It's not that they're refusingto cooperate.
It's that their brainsliterally haven't caught up to
those expectations yet fusing tocooperate.
It's that their brainsliterally haven't caught up to
those expectations yet.
Research by doctors like BrucePerry, a leading neuroscientist
(05:09):
in child trauma and development,have shown that young children
rely heavily on their limbicsystem, the emotional part of
their brain to process the world.
They aren't processing thingsin their prefrontal cortex the
same way that adults do, becauseit's not fully formed yet.
That's why they have bigreactions to seemingly small,
insignificant things.
If you've ever given athree-year-old the wrong color
(05:32):
cup, you've witnessed the limbicsystem in action.
What's more, a developedprefrontal cortex is what allows
us, as adults, to effectivelydelay gratification and not go
for those things in the momentthat might not be healthy for us
in the long term.
What we have to realize asparents is that our kids are not
just tiny adults.
They experience the worldcompletely differently because
(05:53):
their brains are just different.
They're driven by emotion andimmediate needs and a desire for
connection.
That's where our communicationmatters the most, and that's why
they don't just need to learnhow to listen to us.
We need to learn how to talk tothem.
When we yell and demand andbribe, we're speaking a language
(06:13):
of our fully adult brainsReasoning, logic, authority.
But to connect with our kids,we need to speak in the language
of their developing brainsStories, play, empathy,
curiosity.
We need to speak in thelanguage of their developing
brains Stories, play, empathy,curiosity.
Two of my favorite authors inthis area researchers in their
own right.
Drs Tina Payne, bryson and DaneSiegel wrote this book, the
Whole Brain Child.
(06:34):
I talk about it a lot.
One of the things that's somemorable from that book is
their upstairs-downstairs brainmetaphor.
The idea here is that theupstairs brain, the prefrontal
cortex, comes offline.
It goes dark when thedownstairs brain starts to drive
.
They write.
When a child is upset, they'reoperating from their downstairs
brain.
(06:54):
Our job as parents is to helpthem climb the stairs.
That's why connecting firstbefore correcting becomes so
incredibly important.
A child who feels heard andunderstood is far more likely to
cooperate than one who feelsdismissed and controlled.
But that's not the only waythat their brain differs from an
adult.
Kids also process languagedifferently because they have a
(07:18):
different attention span.
Using complex big words doesn'twork for them.
They need simple and concretecommunication.
For example, if you saysomething like pick up your toys
, we have guests coming over andit's going to be easier for
everyone to walk around, thatmight make sense to your adult
brain, but to a child that'sjust way too much information.
A child's brain latches on tothe first and the last thing
(07:41):
they hear, which leaves out themiddle the first and the last
thing they hear, which leavesout the middle.
In this case, your reasoning.
Translating that same idea intokid language would sound
something like let's pick upyour toys so we have room to
play with our friends.
It's the same idea, just saidin a way that they can actually
understand.
Lastly and this one's really bigoften it's not even what we're
saying, it's how we're saying it.
(08:02):
When we communicate with ourkids out of anger or frustration
, they pick up on that emotionmore than they pick up on what
we're saying at all.
The mirror neurons, the neuronsin their brain that mimic what
they see out in the world,especially the actions and
impressions of their parents,fire, and they're more likely to
throw a tantrum, not becausewhat we're asking is
(08:23):
unreasonable, but because theyare triggered by us being
triggered.
On the other hand, when we staycalm and use really thoughtful,
constructed language, weactually show our kids how we
want them to receive thatlanguage.
And so if you're frustratedthat your kid is having a
meltdown over what you're saying, the question is not only am I
communicating with them in a waythat they can understand, it's
(08:44):
also am I communicating in a waythat's making them feel
threatened or anxious?
Here's the big takeaway If youwant to get through to your kids
, you have to understand theirincredible and yes, often
frustrating brain.
Their brains are buildingconnections every day, and how
we communicate with them is ahuge part of what shapes that
(09:06):
process.
Okay, now that we've talkedabout why this stuff is
important, I want to give youfive really creative hacks that
I use to communicate with mykids in ways that actually work.
I'll give you each hack andthen I'll explain briefly why it
seems to work.
Feel free to use these exactlyas I lay them out, or to adapt
(09:29):
them for your kid.
Not all kids are the same andso not all metaphors are going
to work the same way.
Here are just five that seem toreally work for my kids, and it
makes sense because they workwith the brain and not against
it.
Okay, kid communication hacknumber one I call this iPad bugs
.
I kind of alluded to it in theintroduction.
(09:49):
If you have kids who are acertain age that they're
starting to use and utilizescreens, you know that it can be
really really hard to get themoff of those screens.
The reason that it's reallyhard to get kids off of screens
is pretty simple Dopamine.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitterin our brain, basically a
messenger that communicatesthings, and dopamine is the
(10:11):
neurotransmitter thatcommunicates.
Very simply, give me more ofthis thing.
What we know with adults isthat dopamine is released when
we do pleasurable experiences.
For example, a lot of dopamineis released when we are intimate
with our partner, whetherthat's physical intimacy or even
emotional intimacy.
What we don't often think aboutis that for our kids, screens
are dopamine superchargers.
(10:32):
That's why Dr Anna Lemke, apsychiatrist at Stanford and
author of the book DopamineNation, says that screens
themselves are alluring andpotentially intoxicating to kids
at any age.
That means that when it comestime to get off the screen,
often kids will have what'scalled a dopamine surge.
It's a moment when your child'sbrain reacts to the stimulus
(10:53):
that's triggering dopamineproduction in their brain by
giving them a surge of dopamineto try and get them to fight
back and get that stimulus backfrom you.
This is why a lot of kids,especially neurodivergent kids
diagnosed with ADHD, a conditionthat deeply impacts dopamine
production in the brain, canhave an almost feral reaction to
the end of screen time.
(11:14):
It feels like a threat to theirsurvival and so they go into
fight or flight, desperatelyscrambling to try and keep that
dopamine coming.
Understanding how screenstrigger dopamine in kids and
then subsequently that dopaminesurge causes kids to have a huge
meltdown, is actually exactlywhat I'm communicating to my
kids when we talk about iPadbugs.
(11:35):
Most adults, I know, can'treally fully grasp how
neurotransmitters like dopaminework inside their own brain, but
conceptualizing it is actuallyincredibly freeing, not only for
adults but also for young kids.
That's where I came up with theidea for iPad bugs.
Basically, I explained it to mykids in this way After we have
a particularly bad meltdown overthe screen going away a
(11:58):
dopamine-fueled tantrum what Icall the iPad bugs wreaking
havoc I'll talk to my kids aboutthe iPad bugs and why they felt
the way that they did.
I don't try and do that in themoment.
Researchers say that it takesabout 5 minutes for the effects
of a dopamine surge to wear offon kids, but often times I'll
(12:19):
wait as much as 15 or 20 minutesbefore I readdress with my kid
what just happened.
I'll start by asking themquestions like how did that feel
to have the iPad taken away?
Or even what were you doingthat made you feel like it was
so bad to stop?
I then validate theirexperience.
I tell them that even adultsstruggle with screen usage,
(12:40):
which isn't just something I say.
I know this to be true ofmyself and so many parents that
I know.
And then I immediately pivot totalking about the iPad bugs,
the real villain of our story.
Ipad bugs are the name that I'vegiven to the dopamine that's
triggered by screen use.
I explained to them that whilethey're using a screen, they
have little bugs in their brainthat come out and say I want
(13:01):
more iPad.
I want more iPad, and I evenuse sometimes really silly
voices for these.
That I'm not going to do on thepodcast, but you can imagine.
I explained to them that thelonger that they use the iPad,
the more iPad bugs come out, andthe more iPad bugs that are out
, the louder they're going to bewhen it's time to be done with
the screen.
I explained to them that it'snot really them who wants to
(13:23):
keep using the iPad.
It's the iPad bugs screaming atthem that they want to keep
going.
And, most importantly, Iexplained to them that everyone,
even grownups, have iPad bugs,and it makes it hard to stop.
What's truly amazing about thisis where my kids probably would
not understand anything that wejust talked about with
neurotransmitters like dopamine.
Ipad bugs are a very clearpicture of what's going on for
(13:45):
them and, most importantly, itexpresses to them a really deep
and profound truth, which isthat hormones like dopamine can
deeply affect our mood and howwe react to things.
After two or threeconversations like this, even my
toddlers mood and how we reactto things.
After two or threeconversations like this, even my
toddlers can explain to me,when they're not in a dopamine
surge meltdown, exactly whatiPad bugs are all about and at
(14:06):
some point, when they reallyinternalize it, we can start
using that iPad bugs languagebefore the tantrum happens,
oftentimes significantlyshortening them or avoiding them
altogether when they start tofeel that dopamine surge and
they want to react.
All I have to say now is I hearthose iPad bugs coming out and
oftentimes my kids will smileand playfully tell those iPad
(14:28):
bugs to get the heck out of here.
I'm trying to move on with myday.
Of course, this doesn't meanthat we never have problems
getting off the screens.
Things change over time.
My eight-year-old is lessaffected by this language than
he once was, but I would guessthat we've avoided about 90% of
that iPad-fueled dopamine ragejust by learning how to talk in
a way that they understand, thatthey can conceptualize and that
(14:50):
they can draw on in moments ofdysregulation, on in moments of
dysregulation.
Okay, hack number two I callthis tooth detective.
This is the way that I talk tomy kids about brushing their
teeth.
A lot of dentists I know willjust use kind of a variation of
the iPad bug idea.
(15:11):
They call them sugar bugs andthe idea is that you have to get
into your mouth and clean allthose sugar bugs away because
they could eat at your teethduring the night, and if that
works for you, that's fantastic.
What I found in my personallife is that that creates a
level of discomfort and feararound tooth hygiene that I just
don't need in my life.
So while I will stillabsolutely tell my kids that the
(15:32):
reason that we brush our teethis primarily to avoid cavities,
which I will just explain tothem as really uncomfortable
bonks or injuries that they'llfeel inside their mouth, really
I try and make this into a gamethat I call Tooth Detective.
They've actually come to like itso much that at this point,
even though my wife does bedtimefor my middle two almost every
(15:53):
single night, they still want meto be the one to come brush
their teeth and play toothdetective.
The game works like this I amthe tooth detective.
They open their mouth and Iinvestigate their teeth, looking
for all of the different thingsthat they might have eaten that
day.
Some days I've spent almost theentire day with them, and so I
know everything that they'veeaten and I basically get a
hundred percent.
Other days, they've beenwatched by my wife or someone
(16:15):
else, and that means that I haveto guess what they've eaten.
What makes this fun for them isthat they are the ones who get
to tell me yes or no.
They're excited to tell me whenI'm wrong and when I'm right,
and so as I'm brushing theirteeth, I say things like oh, I
think there's a banana back here.
Where did that come from?
Is there some cereal up here inthe front?
Did you eat pizza today?
(16:36):
They giggle and they laugh andthey tell me whether I'm right
or wrong.
This has been a huge one for us,because my oldest really did
not like brushing his teeth andwe didn't have any way to make
it fun for him, and so I amreally embarrassed to say we
just didn't brush his teethenough.
As a result, when he was four,we took him to a dentist where
he had some pretty significantcavities so significant, in fact
(16:59):
, that he had to be put undergeneral anesthesia so that he
could have all of them takencare of.
That experience was traumaticand difficult in its own way,
and I'm sure in some futureepisode I'll talk about how to
process trauma like that withkids.
But suffice it to say our wayof thinking about teeth brushing
changed pretty drasticallyafter that.
But I didn't want to hold mykids down or force them to do
(17:21):
this, because I knew that thatwould invoke its own level of
trauma and discomfort.
That was just unnecessary.
So instead I thought about howthey viewed things, I thought
about the way that theyunderstood their teeth and I
tailored an approach that wasspecific to that.
Kids may not understandbacteria and microorganisms that
are present in sugar that canstay on your teeth and slowly
(17:44):
eat away at the enamel.
But what they can understand isthat you shouldn't leave food
in your teeth because it couldcause problems.
And so by simply playing toothdetective we accomplish the goal
of getting them to brush theirteeth while also making an
enjoyable enough experience thatthey don't build a negative
association with dental hygiene.
Again.
Does this mean that the momentthat I started doing this, I've
(18:04):
never once had a night when mykid didn't want to brush their
teeth?
Of course not, but the changebetween my first son and my next
two kids has been absolutelyprofound.
What was once a nightly anddifficult battle has become a
fun and engaging connectionpoint at the end of the day.
And that's ultimately the goalof really good communication to
(18:24):
turn difficult moments intoconnection points.
Okay, hack number three isanother one having to have
around the house, whether it's aholiday or some other reason.
(18:54):
Rather than trying tocommunicate with their mouth, I
communicate with their belly,and then I communicate as their
belly back to me.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say my three-year-old isasking for cereal for the third
time today, not to shame anyoneabout their dietary choices with
their kids, but to me thatwould probably not be something
that I would want to encourage.
(19:15):
Rather than just saying, no,you can't have cereal today, or
you've had enough cereal today,I'll just default and talk to
their belly.
Hey, belly, what do you thinkLiam's mouth is saying?
That he wants more cereal, thatit tastes good.
Do you need more cereal or doyou need something different.
That's when the belly chimes in.
Yes, I understand that themouth wants more cereal, but I
(19:39):
need something with protein.
To be clear, the belly hasdifferent voices, but I'm
choosing the goblin belly voicetoday because it's probably the
least annoying on a recording.
Fairy belly is more like thisand you don't want to hear me do
that for the next minute.
The conversation between me andthe belly continues.
But, belly, the mouth reallywants more cereal.
Why do you need protein?
(20:00):
Mouth wants more cereal becausecereal tastes good.
Lots of things taste good.
Some things give me more tohelp grow.
Belly, are you saying that younever want to have cereal again?
No, of course I like cereal,but cereal only one time per day
, maybe in morning for breakfasttime.
Now is dinner time.
I need sandwich, somethingdelicious with peanut butter.
(20:24):
Oh, maybe a peanut butter andhoney sandwich.
Does that sound good?
Belly, peanut butter soundsgood.
At this point we add Mouth backto the conversation.
I don't communicate his mouth.
Liam communicates his mouth,but I'll do my best impression
of him.
What do you think Mouth?
Belly seems to want peanutbutter.
What do you want?
I still want cereal.
You still want cereal.
(20:45):
Can we find something thatMouth and Belly both like if you
don't like, a sandwich Pasta.
Yeah, pasta sounds good, butbelly was asking for some
protein.
Can we do pasta with sauce?
This back and forth dialoguebetween dad, belly and mouth
usually comes to a resolutionwhere belly's needs are
(21:07):
satisfied, while Liam stillfeels like he has agency in the
choice and he's still pickingsomething that works for him.
The important thing to rememberis that I'm communicating on
behalf of my three-year-old'sbody.
The truth is, his body will notfeel as good if he doesn't get
good nutrition.
I'm just voicing that for him,so it doesn't become a command
from dad.
It becomes a conversation withhis own body.
(21:29):
I want to pause here for amoment before we move on to
hacks four and five, to addresswhat is often an elephant in the
room with these first three.
When I talk to parents aboutthese three, they will often say
that I'm lying or somehowmanipulating my kid.
Explaining something to someonein a way that they will
understand is not manipulationor dishonesty.
There is a chemical in mychild's brain that is demanding
(21:51):
more of the screen.
That chemical is dopamine.
And just because I'm explainingdopamine as iPad bugs with a
metaphor does not make itdishonest.
It makes it age anddevelopmentally appropriate
communication that can actuallylead to a deeper understanding
of themselves and their world.
The same is true with theirteeth and their world.
(22:14):
The same is true with theirteeth.
I'm not actually findingbananas in their teeth, but I am
trying to eliminate the residuethat came from the banana, even
though it's microscopic, and Ican't see it.
To a toddler, something that isso small that you cannot see it
does not exist, and so Iexpress to them that I can see
something because it helps themunderstand that it actually
exists.
Again, not dishonesty, justexplaining in terms that they
(22:36):
can understand.
This last one, talking to thebelly, is the one that I get the
most pushback from.
It feels wrong to expresswhat's happening in a child's
body when you can't actuallyknow.
But take a step back for amoment.
You know what you would feellike if all you ate all day was
sugar.
It would not be that your mouthstopped liking that sugar.
It would be that your belly,your digestive system, started
(22:59):
to reject it.
So is it really that much of astretch to communicate ahead of
time to future project somethingyour child's prefrontal cortex
is not yet developed enough todo and say I'm not going to feel
good if I stay on this lesshealthy trajectory.
The key here is understandingthat educating a child is a
discipline of negotiation.
(23:20):
We have to teach kids things inways that they can actually
internalize and understand, anda lot of good can come from us
communicating things that mostpeople think are too complex for
children to understand insimpler ways that they actually
can.
So if any of these make youfeel uncomfortable, feel free to
not use them or to adapt themin ways that feel more honest to
(23:41):
you.
But I wanted to address, beforeI move on, that this can feel a
little uncomfortable to adultsraised in Western culture that
doesn't use myth and story thesame ways as our ancestors did,
ways that often are the best wayto communicate with a child's
brain.
Okay, hacks four and five I'mnot actually going to give you
(24:07):
examples of because we're out oftime on this episode, but I did
want to offer them to you astools that you can use if and
when it makes sense to use them.
Unlike the first three, theseare not tools of what we
communicate.
These are tools of how we mightcommunicate better.
The first one is choosing tosing your words rather than just
speak them or explain them.
Researchers have found thatmusic impacts the brain in a
(24:30):
really unique way.
Specifically, it activates boththe limbic system the
downstairs brain, as Tina andDan call it and the prefrontal
cortex the upstairs brain at thesame time.
What this means is that whenyou sing something to your child
, they're more likely toactually be able to internalize
and hear it.
Similarly, if your child isstruggling with a specific
behavior or a concept or somerule of society, creating a song
(24:54):
about that thing can help it bememorable and accessible in
moments of dysregulation.
If you're looking for a list ofsongs that cover a wide variety
of topics and tend to be reallyeffective with young kids, go
and check out Daniel Tiger.
I'm not sponsored by PBS or theFred Rogers Corporation or
anything like that.
I just think Daniel Tiger hasthe absolute best songs that you
(25:15):
can sing to your kid.
Whether it's potty time orfrustration or loneliness or
fear, that can absolutely be agame changer.
So the next time you're reallystruggling to communicate a
concept to your child, trysinging it.
The last one is another MrRogers classic, and that is Hack
5, use, use puppets.
In my experience with childrenboth my own and many other
(25:36):
children, I have found that kidsare so much more willing to
listen to and communicate with apuppet than with an adult.
Puppets are just magical and Ihope that somebody studies this
someday.
I've started to utilize puppetsin my own parenting and it has
totally taken it to the nextlevel, especially with kids who
are in that three, four,five-year-old age range.
(25:57):
Concepts that I teach my kidswith a puppet seem to stick
significantly better thanconcepts that I explain as their
dad.
Again, a lot of theneuroscience behind this I don't
understand.
What I know is that it works.
And if you're thinking toyourself right now but, john, I
don't have any experience as apuppeteer, I don't even have any
puppets around my house, that'sokay.
A puppet to a child can just bea stuffed animal that you hold
(26:20):
and use a silly voice for.
I remember this one time whenwe were trapped in a traffic jam
in Chicago.
It was hours and hours ofsitting strapped into a car seat
and my kids were absolutelylosing it.
I saw that we had a little Liloand Stitch stuffed animal.
It was Stitch and I picked itup and I started to talk to my
kids as Stitch.
Suddenly, all of the anxietyand dysregulation of the
(26:42):
situation completely disappeared.
My kids started having fun withStitch, talking to him, playing
games with him, and the timepassed so much more quickly and
with so many fewer tears andtantrums.
Stitch wasn't even a puppet.
I was just holding him in a waywhere I bounced him on every
word and I faced my face awayfrom them so that they didn't
(27:02):
see my mouth moving.
But even that was probablyunnecessary.
Kids want to believe, and so,if you even give them the
opportunity, they will believein the puppet.
If there's one thing I hope youtake away from this episode,
it's that the way that we talkto our kids has the power to
shape not only their behavior,but also their sense of
self-connection, their emotionaldevelopment.
(27:22):
Whether it's using puppets orsinging or metaphors like iPad
bugs talking to their belly orbeing a tooth detective, these
approaches aren't just aboutgetting your kids to cooperate
in the moment.
They're about building trust,connection and communication
habits that are going to lastthem a lifetime.
So this week I challenge you totry one of these hacks.
Maybe it's just rethinking apart of your daily routine and
(27:44):
singing about it, or finding aplayful way to explain something
to your kid.
That usually is met withresistance, whatever it is,
approach it with the mindsetthat communication is primarily
about connection, not compliance.
I want to leave you with onemore metaphor.
Say a person came to work nextto you at your job who didn't
(28:04):
speak the same language as you.
Would you just continually tellthem things in your native
language with increasingintensity, until they finally
got the picture?
Or would you learn tocommunicate in ways that would
actually work with the way thatthey understood the world and
communicated themselves?
Kids aren't just mini-adultswho we can shape and form using
(28:24):
our adult-centric language.
They have to be communicatedwith on the terms that their
brain development allow, and sogo out there and learn how to
speak, kid, because it willabsolutely change not only your
life but theirs too.
If this episode resonated withyou, I would love to hear from
(28:46):
you.
You can leave a review on ApplePodcast.
You can rate this show fivestars.
You have no idea how much ithelps us to get the message out
and make sure to email me.
Tell me what hack you'reexcited to try or what creative
communication skills you usedafter listening to this episode
that worked really well.
You can send that email topodcast at wholeparentacademycom
(29:08):
or shoot me a message on socialmedia at Whole Parent, as
always.
If you liked this episode,don't forget to subscribe and
share it with another parent inyour life who might find it
helpful.
And if you haven't pre-orderedmy book, Punishment-Free
Parenting the Brain-Based Way toRaise Kids Without Raising your
Voice, now is the time.
It's packed with tools andinsights that are really similar
to what I talk about in thepodcast.
(29:29):
But just go deeper to help youparent with less stress and more
connection.
Until next time, I'm John.
This has been the Whole ParentPodcast.
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