December 5, 2025 • 47 mins
Episode Summary
Jon unpacks why kids often look “ungrateful” or overwhelmed during gift-heavy holidays—and why it has nothing to do with entitlement and everything to do with biology, routine disruption, and emotional overload. Through real parent questions, he explores what’s happening underneath the behavior, why forced gratitude backfires, and how parents can set expectations, model appreciation, and protect connection without trying to manufacture a perfect holiday moment. Listeners walk away with clarity, self-compassion, and grounded tools for approaching gift-giving in a healthier way.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jon @WholeParent (00:00):
If you've ever watched your child tear through
a pile of gifts, getoverwhelmed, meltdown, and
suddenly seem straightungrateful, you're not alone.
Maybe it looks like entitlement,maybe it looks like
disappointment, maybe it's justa total sensory overload
disguised as bad behavior.
But today we're going to talkabout what's actually going on
(00:20):
beneath all of that.
The psycho psychological, theemotional, the even biological
layers that explain why kidsstruggle with gifts, and why
gratitude is not something thatyou can simply turn on because
we want them to.
And most importantly, how we cannavigate as parents without
guilt, without shame, withouttrying to manufacture the
(00:41):
perfect holiday moment.
I'm going to share some simpleexpectations to set before gifts
are even opened, some practicalways to teach gratitude without
guilt or performative matters, arealistic picture of what
gratitude looks like atdifferent ages, why force thank
yous often backfire.
I'm also going to give you sometools to manage your own, that
(01:01):
is to say, our own as parents,expectations, so that we're not
carrying the pressure of makingthat perfect reaction or getting
that perfect reaction out of ourkids.
Okay, let's dig into it.
I dug back through the lastyear's holiday podcast episodes,
(01:22):
which if you didn't know this,the last year's podcast, season
two, was a little bit differentthan this.
So season three is live.
It's just kind of off the cuff.
And I'm answering questions frompeople, whether that's like
TikTok comments or Instagram DMsor emailed in.
And if you have a question, youcan always email it to podcast
at wholeparentacademy.com.
(01:44):
Um, and I just answer thequestions and try and figure out
like how is this all gonna work?
So I dug back through lastyear's, which were more scripted
out.
I did like a Santa episode, it'sreally good.
You should go listen to it.
And I found out this, like, kindof I found these like painfully
relevant ones.
Some of them were actuallycomments on videos that I made
(02:04):
about last year's podcastepisode.
But anyway, the first one comesfrom Megan, and it this was an
Instagram DM.
And somebody offered me thislast week.
They said, Hey John, we'd loveto know where these come from so
that we know like how we can getin touch with you.
But the best way, again, is tosubmit them podcast at or at
podcast atwholeparentacademy.com.
(02:25):
But sometimes I pull them fromother places, like when I'm
trying to do an episode aboutsomething specific.
And this one is if it wasn'tclear, about gift overwhelm.
How do you handle kids who arejust like super overwhelmed by
the Christmas morningexperience?
Okay, so here's from Megan, it'san I uh Instagram DM, and she
says, John, please tell me thatmy four-year-old isn't broken.
(02:47):
We did Christmas with my in-lawslast night, and he legit melted
down after opening like threegifts.
My mother-in-law kept sayingthat he was being ungrateful.
I honestly kind of snapped athim too, because it did look
bratty in the moment, but thenlater he was totally normal.
I don't get what that was.
Am I missing something?
Okay, Megan, I love thisquestion to start off with, and
(03:10):
this is just like so brutallyrelatable because I feel like so
many of us sit in that momentwith our kids where they're
opening presents on Christmasmorning or whatever, and they're
like, wait, they're not doingany of the things that I'm
you're supposed to do.
They're not saying thank you,they're not like seeming
appreciative enough.
I remember like when my kidsopen a gift in front of the
(03:32):
person who got it for them, andI feel like they have to, even
if they don't like it, and Iknow that they don't like it
because I just know them so muchbetter than whoever got them
that gift, they like don't likeit, and I'm just like, just
pretend like you like it.
Like we can throw it away, or weI'll get you something else.
Like, I don't even care, butjust like pretend in that moment
like you like it.
Our kids just do not at all dowhat we're what we want them to
(03:54):
do.
And so the first thing I wantedyou to tell to want to tell you
is that your four-year-old isdefinitely not broken.
Um, gifts are super overwhelmingto receive.
I know a lot of adults who don'tlike to receive gifts.
There are adults that I'veworked with in therapeutic or
counseling environments who talkabout like terror at getting
gifts.
I have multiple people in myfamily who we just don't do
(04:16):
gifts because we just like thewhole exchanging like, do we
really want to do this?
Can you just, you know, haveyour money and buy your you
yourself stuff?
And can I just have my money andbuy whatever I need for me?
And so it's not broken at all,but I think it does speak to how
overwhelming and how our kidsare not conditioned socially,
(04:39):
unless we condition them to kindof do that thing that we're
asking them to do or that weexpect them to do.
And so they're new humans, theyhave new brains, and so they
don't really know like howthey're supposed to respond or
how they're supposed to do this,that, or the others, other.
So the first thing that I hearwhen your kid melted down after
opening three gifts is numberone, what else was going on
(05:01):
ahead of that?
Right?
Because you're you're sayingthat it's Christmas, okay.
So what does that mean?
So you're with your in-laws, itsays, and it's last night, this
is when the comment was left.
First thing that comes into mymind is are you with your
in-laws or are you at yourin-laws' house?
(05:22):
Because if your kids in acompletely, I don't want to say
completely unfamiliar, but ifyour kids are not in their home
turf, they're not in their homeenvironment, then a meltdown
becomes way more likely.
Now you said last night, and I'mreading between the lines in
this comment, maybe this is badon my part.
I'm I'm assuming things, but I'mthis is all I have to go off.
The second thing that I wouldsay is we often will tell kids,
(05:46):
and I saw this like scroll, Iwas scrolling across my feed the
other day, waiting for somethingto post, and I saw somebody post
that like a lot of time whatwhat the equivalent of what we
would be doing to an adult whenwe do this to kids around the
holidays, when we push backtheir bedtime, because just like
the socially appropriate thingto do is to go to the holiday
party, even though it doesn'tfit with their specific schedule
(06:09):
or routine.
It's kind of like saying to anadult, like, hey, you know,
Christmas dinner is gonna be alittle bit different tomorrow
than than usual.
We're gonna we're gonna eat at10, or we're gonna eat at
midnight, or we're gonna eat at2 a.m.
And that's what it feels like toa kid.
Like it's so overwhelming.
What do you mean we're gonna eatat 2 a.m.?
Well, don't worry, I'll give youa snack.
No, I want to be asleep.
I want to be in bed.
And your kid has no words forthat at four.
(06:30):
But I'll tell you, like, mythree-year-old, who's almost
four, so he is one month awayfrom being four right now.
He goes to bed at six o'clockp.m.
I know that that's prettyextreme, but when I think about
like doing having him openpresence in an unfamiliar
environment at eight o'clock,nine o'clock at night, because
(06:51):
that's when the holiday partywas happening, or that's when it
ended, or that's when giftexchange happened.
Like, of course he melted down.
He would have melted down if Ihad given him a cookie at 8 p.m.
at somebody else's house when hewants to be asleep in his his
own bed.
So it doesn't surprise me thatyour kid melted down and has
nothing to do with like even ifthere was no gifts involved.
(07:11):
We take kids, we pull them outof routines.
A lot of times we put them inlike really scratchy clothes,
which I'm I mean, this is kindof like a silly thing, but but I
think about like when I wasgrowing up, my parents would put
me in like a like a wool sweaterto go to the family Christmas
party.
And like that was nevercomfortable for me.
I mean, sure, they make likereally comfortable wool sweaters
(07:32):
these days, and I wish I waswearing one right now because
I'm freezing.
But they they would like put mein the scratchiest, most
horrible clothes.
I would always have to wear likekhaki pants because I was going
to my grandmother's house andlike we had to like look
presentable for her.
We were often asked to perform,literally, perform if we played
a musical instrument, especiallyif that musical instrument, if
(07:52):
the private lessons for thatmusical instrument were being
funded by my grandparents.
This this was actually a vestigeholdover of their holiday
tradition.
So when my dad was growing up,his grandfather would pay for
every kid in their family wasallowed to pick an instrument,
and their grandfather would getthem that instrument.
So if you pick the trumpet, hewould buy that kid a trumpet.
(08:16):
And it's a beautiful, wonderfulthing, and like it goes with
it's there's so much good inthat.
But then there was thisexpectation that every Christmas
they would like perform aChristmas song on this
instrument that had beenpurchased for them.
So like literally sometimes Ihad to bring my upright bass.
I just imagine this, justpicture this for a second.
Like, here's this, let's say,10-year-old John, right?
(08:36):
I'm not four in this picture,but I'm with this 10-year-old
kid, and I'm carrying an uprightbass, which is bigger than I am,
wearing like a wool sweater andmaybe like a Chicago Bulls
jacket in snow boots and khakisinto my grandparents' house so
that I could perform a terriblerendition of Silent Night with
(08:57):
every adult in the roomwatching, while then I was going
to stay up late and eat junk,like just mostly sugar, and then
like after all of that, then thepresents were opened.
Is there any scenario in whichthat is an environment where a
kid is not going to melt down?
(09:18):
So that's part one of this is weput kids, and I'm not saying
you, Megan, but we put kids, allof us, into positions where they
are not set up to thrive aroundthe holidays because we pull
them out of their routines, wepull them out of their norms,
and kids are so routine-based.
(09:38):
We've been talking about this onthe podcast for the last two
weeks or the last two episodes,which were actually both
published this week.
If you're listening live as I'mrecording this live tonight on
Instagram and YouTube andFacebook, you would know that
the other two episodes, one ofthem was posted today, and one
of them was posted on Tuesday.
So this whole week we've beentalking about routines, and I've
said it over and over again, andI'll say it one more time, just
(10:00):
for the peanut gallery, and thatis that kids cannot predict the
future well because theirprefrontal cortex is not
developed enough to do that.
And the brain is basically justa prediction machine.
And so the one of the primaryfunctions of their brain is to
is not functioning well, whichis to predict the future well.
And so now we've pulled them outof all their routines and they
(10:22):
can't predict what's going tohappen next.
And they feel vulnerable.
And the way that they get thatneed for control met is often by
melting down.
And it's not that they're beingcontrolling or being
narcissistic or being selfish,it's that they're literally like
they're so out of sorts thatthey don't know what else to do.
And so here they go, meltingdown because everything has led
(10:44):
them to that point.
But it just happens at the mostinopportune time because it's
happening during this time whenwe've all collectively said as a
society or as a family, you'regetting something right now.
I'm giving you a gift right now.
I I bought this and I wrapped itand I spent my money on it, and
I thought of you, and now you'regonna be ungrateful and you're
(11:06):
gonna be, you know, I forget allthe other words that she used
here, or maybe I'm just likethinking of the words that I
would use, like ungratefulBraddy.
That was a now you're gonna be abrat while you're opening this
gift.
And the answer is like, no, kidis just doing what kids do,
which is trying to get theirfundamental needs met.
And right now the need is like,hey, the fire alarm's going off.
(11:27):
This is not okay.
I don't understand what's goingon.
And then grandma just gave melike a train.
This is one of the presents I'mI'm outing myself.
My grandparents are are dead, sothey're not here to be upset.
A train alarm clock, right?
And they thought that was gonnabe like the greatest gift ever.
They like thought that I wasgonna like fall in love with
this train alarm clock.
(11:48):
Like, you just open a trainalarm clock, and you're just
like, what do I want a trainalarm clock for?
Like, and it's everything hashas led us up to that point.
So even if the gifts were greatthough, we would still be on
that like hair trigger.
And that and and so all of thatall comes up later, and it and
it just it feels in thosemoments like like everything is
(12:13):
coming to a head.
And you said later he wastotally normal.
My guess is later when you gothome, later when he was back
alone with you, later when hewas in his pajamas, later when
he was feeling more in controlof his surroundings.
Not surprising to me that thenhe felt within his own semblance
(12:33):
of control or whatever.
And then I want to say one morething before I move on to the
next question, because we gottwo questions or or three
questions, four questions.
We have four questions today.
I might not even be able tocover the last one, actually,
now looking at the clock,because we're already we're
already deep into this episode.
But I want to say one more thingabout this one before we go to
the next one, and I'm just gonnakind of fly over it here.
(12:54):
But when you said I honestlykind of snapped because when I
looked at him, he did seem kindof bratty to me.
When we get in front of ourfamilies, we go back to that
person, that child that we werearound them.
So I can be the most regulatedperson in the world, and I'm not
always be totally transparent,but I can be like the most
(13:16):
regulated person in the worldaround my new life, which is my
wife, my kids, my job that Ihave, uh obviously social media
stuff when I have to travel.
I can be very regulated.
I get around my mom and mybrothers, and like holy smokes,
I'm just that kid again.
Like, I'm that little kid whowho's feeling all of those
(13:38):
little kid emotions, but now inan adult body.
And so it's unsurprising to methat you snapped because you're
also out of routine, you're alsonot in a perfectly um catered,
you know, curated environment.
You're with your mother-in-lawand your father-in-law.
Like, I don't know when you metthem.
I met my mother and myfather-in-law when I was 17
(14:00):
years old.
Like they still see me as a kidin some ways, and so I can't
help sometimes but act like akid.
And so it's not surprising thatwe got to this point.
And I just want to say, Megan,you didn't do anything wrong.
And how I would frame this ingoing forward is I would say,
(14:22):
okay, number one, can werehearse ahead of time before we
go into these environments?
Can we game plan?
Here, this is what it's gonna belike.
Let's make a plan.
This is what it's gonna be like.
Here's when we're gonna openpresents.
This is the point in the night.
Here, you know, I'm gonna bringsome like an extra sweatshirt
for you in case you get annoyedwith what you're wearing.
(14:43):
Um, when you open the presents,you can you literally practice
this.
I I I'm not opposed to likeliterally wrapping boxes and
having your kids practiceopening presents and then like
looking at you and being like,okay, thank you.
And you just tell them this islike the social thing that we
do.
And I don't like forced thankyous.
(15:04):
I like real gratitude, but Ialso appreciate that while I can
allow for real gratitude and Iand I can not force thank yous
when it's me on Christmasmorning with my kids.
There are certain times whereit's easier to just say, hey, so
grandma, grandpa, they're gonnahave this expectation that you
say thank you.
(15:25):
And you don't have to, but likethis is the way that we can kind
of get around this.
And this is harder to do with anold with a younger kid than with
an older kid.
We're gonna talk about asix-year-old and a
seven-year-old later.
It's much easier to do with themto just say, hey, so this is
what we do because like theirgrandma's old school or
grandma's old school, and theyreally need to hear you say
thank you, no matter what.
And we can talk about why forcedthank yous aren't good, but but
(15:47):
ultimately, like that's that'swhere we want to go.
We want, we want to at leastgame plan out because there
doesn't need to be additionaljust like panic mode for us in
that moment when we feel likeour kids being bratty.
And and honestly, maybe youwouldn't even have felt that way
if it had not been, well,they're being bratty in this
environment because I have allthe emotions coming out at the
same time.
So all of that to say, I don'tthink your kid's broken.
(16:11):
I think that your kid's verynormal.
I think this is a very normalexperience.
And if if all you needed to hearthis this this year before you
go with a five-year-old toChristmas is validation that
your kid is not broken or bad,um, you're there's the
validation.
And what I would be doing if Iwere you now, we have 20 days
before Christmas, is practicing,practicing how that response can
(16:33):
be, and then also set your ownexpectations of it might still
not work out.
And that's okay too.
Okay, my second question camefrom Ashley, another mom, and
this one was a TikTok comment.
So the first one was an uhInstagram DM, this one was a
TikTok comment.
I think I kept saying that whenit was a comment, but it was a
DM.
This one's a comment and says,Okay, I don't want to sound like
that mom, but how do youactually make kids appreciate
(16:55):
stuff?
My daughter's six, she just ripsthrough presents, doesn't look
at even look at the people.
I'm assuming that she means thepeople who got her the gifts.
She doesn't even look at people.
My mom keeps whispering that sheneeds to learn manners, but
yeah, how?
I feel like she should be oldenough to be grateful.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just doing it wrong.
(17:16):
Okay, Ashley.
Perfect setup.
I forgot that we were gonnaanswer this question.
Otherwise, I probably wouldn'thave talked so much about the
force gratitude.
But let's let's get into it.
So, how do we actually make kidsgrateful, right?
The first thing, the first waythat we can make kids grateful
is we can give them less stuff.
And I know that that sounds likea Grinchy thing to say, but I've
(17:40):
been posting a lot about thislately, and uh what I'm
receiving back is a lot ofaffirmation that this is right.
And I knew that this was rightbecause the data supports this
conclusion, but it's it's goodto hear other parents also say,
like, yes, me too.
So, first, first things first,let's just call this what it is.
We give our kids stuff to makeourselves feel better.
(18:03):
We give our kids stuff becausewe have been sold a myth, a lie
in Western culture that the morestuff we buy our kids, the more
presents that are under ourunder the tree, the more time we
spend rapping, the more time wespend working to buy those
things, the bigger the giftsare, the longer Christmas
morning takes, all of thesethings are directly correlated
(18:23):
or tied to or evidence of howmuch we love our kids.
And that's ridiculous.
Point blank, full stop, that'sridiculous.
How much money you have to spendon gifts or how many gifts you
choose to get, even if you havemore money than you choose to
spend, have nothing to do withhow much you love your kid.
We have taken this all the wayback from, you know, and we do
(18:44):
this not just with kids, we dothis with everybody in our life.
When we have aconsumerist-driven mindset, we
say, Well, how good of a lifeyou have is how much stuff you
buy for yourself.
How much you love your fiance ishow big of the ring is, right?
Like all of these things areevidence of your love,
affection, caring, success.
(19:06):
That's nonsense.
I would use a much more crassterm, but I keep my podcast
non-explicit, but that's bull,okay?
You don't have to get your kidsa lot of stuff.
And in fact, they're going to beless grateful if you get them
more stuff.
Give you the example of what Idid last year before I talk
about how we can get our kids tobe grateful in general.
(19:28):
And by the way, I also hear mymom keeps whispering she needs
to learn manners.
I don't know if you're sayingyour mom is literally there
whispering, or if your mom is inthe back of your head
whispering.
Either case, the fact that youidentified your mom tells me
that we also have the same thinggoing on that was going on with
Megan, which is the holidays arethe time when we bring out our
(19:51):
families and we have to parentin front of them, and all of a
sudden, all of our bestimpulses, right?
You can read my book, PunishmentFree Parenting, and you can love
everything inside of it.
And then you get in front ofyour in-laws or you get in front
of your own parents.
It's probably worse with yourown parents, to be honest.
And all of a sudden it's like,no, I just need to like make
sure that they think I'm a good.
I don't even care if I think I'ma good parent today.
(20:12):
I don't even care if my kidsthink I'm a good parent.
I care if my mom thinks I'm agood parent.
And I care if my mom thinks Idon't even care if I think my
daughter's a good kid.
I care if my mom thinks mydaughter is a good kid.
Because for your wholechildhood, that person defined
your reality.
They defined when they saidsomething was good, it was good.
When they said you were beingkind, you were being kind.
(20:34):
When they said you were beinggrateful, you were being
grateful, whether or not youwere.
And so because their statementsdefine your reality as a child,
when you get back in front ofthem and you go back into your
childhood mode, to some extent,right?
I'm not calling us children.
We're obviously all adults andwe have the ability to transcend
this and we should.
(21:00):
Why?
Because everything my mom saidbetween the ages of zero and 10
at least was gospel to me.
Right?
My mom used to literally say,Mom is never wrong.
And my mom is not that type ofperson.
That was just culture.
I don't even know if she saidit.
Actually, now that I say thisout loud in front of however
many thousands of people, thatmight be not even true.
(21:23):
She may not have even said that,but that was a very clear
message.
Mom is never wrong.
Mom is always right.
And that's we got to deconstructthat.
So, okay, so what did we do lastyear?
What where I was going with thisbefore I got sidetracked by my
own ADHD.
We decided last year that we'regoing to do one gift.
And when I say we, really, itwas, I kept saying, I think
we're doing too many gifts, Ithink we're doing too many
(21:45):
gifts.
We don't need so many gifts.
And my wife said, Great, let'sjust do one.
Because she is the I can say alot of stuff, but my wife can
really come in and be the hero.
And so she's the hero here.
She said, Let's do one gift.
We got them.
It was a TikTok comment, so I'lljust call out TikTok shop.
We bought them on TikTok shop.
There were these three cars, allthree of my kids who were eight,
four, and two at the time, allgot the same present.
(22:06):
There were these little drivablecars, weren't super expensive.
I'm not like the I would saythat they're probably 40 bucks a
piece, maybe 50 bucks a piece.
I don't know.
But not like we weren't spending$300 a piece on these cars.
Okay, they were not superexpensive by any means.
And they were just these littlethree-wheeled cars that they
could drive around, they couldturn real sharp so you can drive
(22:27):
them in the house.
And that was kind of our goal.
We just want to get them all onething.
And I will tell you without adoubt that because they weren't
ripping through present afterpresent after present, which is
what you're describing for yourdaughter, because it was one
thing, they really got toexperience joy and gratitude for
that one thing.
(22:48):
And it's not like the wholeholiday season we didn't give
them anything or get themanything.
Like we did little knickknackshere and there.
We tend to not be super like,no, you can't have that wait
till Christmas, just in general,because it builds up this level
of expectation and anticipationthat's just not healthy in our
family, at least.
But my kids opened that thingand then they drove them around
(23:10):
for a while.
I had assembled them so thatthey could just and charge them
so they could just go rightthen.
They drove them around for awhile, and then after like half
an hour of playing with them,they like got their stickers out
and got their markers out andtape out pictures and stuff and
just drew all over these things,like drew all over a piece of
paper and taped them up.
And they got like they had likename letters and they like named
them.
(23:31):
And then they started marking onscuffing up the walls and like
they denting the refrigerator,which was like brand new.
We never ever buy newappliances, we always buy our
appliances used, and we boughtlike a new refrigerator because
our our house is weird and builtof concrete, and you only one
refrigerator would fit.
So we had to buy a new one, andlike within a month of getting
(23:51):
it, is Christmas, and my kidsare just dent putting dents in
the bottom of it with theircars.
So then they took duct tape andpool noodles from the basement
that we cut and they like builtbumper cars, and they then it
was a whole new gift.
It was now bumper cars, and thenthey like one of my kids
attached a box with a with astring to the back, and he
pulled around like beaniebabies, and he was like a
(24:13):
driver, it was like a train.
And literally every kid in theneighborhood came over to our
house in the first two weeks,and they like everybody wanted
to play with these, and we hadthe best Christmas.
Guys, we spent so much less thanother people on Christmas.
We probably probably otherparents in our neighborhood got
those cars.
They like were out of stock bythe time we had my wife not
ordered them early, like theywould have been gone.
(26:45):
But it was all about thecontext.
They only got one thing, and sothey truly could be grateful for
it.
Your body, your brain, and thisis where I'm gonna get nerdy
neuroscience here, but like yourbrain does not have a capacity
to be more happy than thehappiest that it can be.
I'm gonna say that again.
(27:05):
Your brain does not have acapacity to be more happy than
the happiest it can be.
This is why we have billionairesin this country, and I don't
want to get on the soapboxsoapbox here, but a billionaire
is not a billion times or amillion times more happy than a
person with a hundred thousanddollars.
A billionaire is not a hundredor a thousand times more happy
(27:26):
than a person with a milliondollars.
A hundred billionaire is not ahundred times as happy as a
person with a billion dollars.
You have a limited amount ofdopamine and serotonin that your
brain can experience.
And so the only way to be lesshappy is to divide up that
dopamine and serotonin amongstmore things.
(27:47):
This is why billionaires andpeople with massive amounts of
money are actually less happy.
This is actually why people witheven who are multimillionaires
are less happy.
We know that money in one as itrelates to one's happiness has a
diminishing marginal returnsafter, like, I don't remember
what the number is today.
I don't even know what it istoday, but but 15 years ago, it
(28:07):
was like it was like$120,000.
Like after$120,000, you're nevergonna be as happy as you were,
or you're never, you're notgonna get any happier for every
dollar more that you have.
And in fact, at some point itbecomes negative return.
And this is because when we takeour happiness and we divide it
up amongst more things, justimagine that you have 20 units
of dopamine in your brain,right?
(28:28):
And it's obviously this is not,this is just an analogy.
This is not actually how itworks, but you have 20 units of
dopamine in your brain, you getone gift.
That break, that gift is worth20 units of dopamine.
If you get 20 gifts, each one isonly worth one unit of dopamine,
but you're not gonna divide itup evenly.
So actually, a couple of thosegifts that you really like are
gonna be worth five.
And then some of them are gonnabe worth none.
(28:50):
And those are the presents thatwhen you get them as a kid, and
this was my experience, andmaybe I came from a very
privileged household.
I didn't think of ours asextremely rich, but we did open
a lot of presents on Christmas.
My parents didn't get us stuffwith for the rest of the year
most of the time.
But there were definitelypresents that I never took out
of the box, right?
Like, I don't even know if theythey made it into my bedroom.
(29:13):
Because if you open too muchstuff, like you don't even,
you're not gonna be grateful.
And as parents, we don't havethe same reaction to our kids
opening those additional things.
And then when there's otherpeople involved, right?
You you have family members,aunts, uncles, grandparents
buying gifts, and they're notgonna be as good at buying gifts
for for kids as we are becausethey don't know their kid, our
(29:36):
kids like we do.
So now theirs are automaticallygonna be relegated to the lower
tier.
And so why are we not thrilledwith what grandma got us?
Because we're we're alreadyspent in how much we could be
happy.
And now when this additionalthing comes through, it actually
becomes more of an addictivepattern of behavior rather than
(29:57):
like an enjoyment pattern ofbehavior.
Kids literally get into thislike ripping through the paper
and then throwing the gift asideand then ripping through the
next paper and then throwingthat gift aside and then ripping
through the next paper.
And it's this like slot machine,right?
It's like they're just pullingthe slot machine.
What's gonna be in the next one?
What's gonna be in the next one?
What's gonna be in the next one?
And that is why our Instagramfeeds and our TikTok feeds
(30:19):
function the way they do.
We swipe them down so that theygive us that dopamine hit of,
oh, I don't know what's gonnacome next, what's gonna load
first?
In the same way, I don't knowwhat's gonna be in the next box,
and so I'm gonna rip it open.
And so the way that we make kidsgrateful actually is to get them
less stuff.
And then again, we can talk tothem after the fact, after the
(30:41):
chaos of that morning, right?
That is never a good time toteach in the midst of like paper
flying everywhere and like thiscoffee spilling, and like
everybody's overwhelmed.
Not a good like our kids areliterally on like a high.
Not a good time to be like,let's talk about gratitude and
let's think about how grandmagot you this thing and what it
(31:03):
cost for her to get that, orwhat it, what the amount of time
that she took spending to thinkabout that and why she got you
that never a good time.
So, what I would do in that caseis I would take again the
principles for my book,Punishment Free Parenting.
I'd go, okay, the time ofdysregulation is not the time to
teach.
In the same way as the tantrumis dysregulation, ripping open a
(31:25):
bunch of presents on Christmasmorning is dysregulation too.
It just looks different.
So I'm not gonna try and teachthen.
I would rather line up all thegifts, you don't have to
physically line them up, butjust think about them to keep
track of them.
And I would sit with your kid aday, two days later, and I'd go,
let's let's just spend some timebeing appreciative about the
(31:46):
things that we got this year.
And then I would do one otherthing, and this is actually the
hack for gratitude.
I would make it extremely clearto my kids that I was grateful,
not when I was a kid, but rightnow.
If you want your kid toapologize, apologize to them.
(32:06):
If you want your kid to berespectful, respect them.
If you want your kid to begrateful, be grateful to them
and in front of them.
Modeling is the best and mostimportant type of teaching that
we do.
And so when we are not peoplewho live in gratitude, if we're
constantly looking for the nextthing and the next dopamine hit
in our lives, if we'reconstantly not spending any time
(32:29):
doing gratitude practiceourselves.
And by the way, you can't fakethis stuff.
Like your kid picks up on thesignals.
So you actually have to learn tobe grateful.
And here's the good news for allof us learning to be grateful is
probably one of the mostadvantageous and adaptive things
that we can do with our brains.
We know people who are grateful,who experience gratitude on a
(32:50):
daily basis, have better immunehealth.
They have better, and this isnot me, woo-woo.
I'm not gonna sell yousupplements.
Be grateful.
Write down the things you'regrateful for every day because
it's actually gonna make yougive you a better life.
You have better immune health,you have better longevity, you
have better relationships, youdon't long and seek for things
that are not gonna be that aregonna be destructive patterns of
behavior.
(33:10):
You don't even long and seek forthings that are gonna be net
neutral, right?
You you save more, you don'tspend as much because you're
grateful.
And so gratitude is the key to ahealthy and happy life as an
adult.
And yet we don't do it sofrequently.
We live in a culture, again,going all the way back to the
first question and the secondquestion, a culture of
(33:33):
consumerism that does not everpractice gratitude in a real
way.
Ironic, right?
Because we just came off ofThanksgiving, where
Thanksgiving, it's like, let'ssit down and all think about
what we're grateful for, so thatimmediately as we're driving
home, we can load the BlackFriday sales and buy all the
things that'll make us happy.
We just sat around a table andsaid, Here are all the things
(33:53):
that make us happy, and my lifeis so good.
And here are my family, and if Ihad nothing else, you would be
enough.
And then we load on our phonesthat, oh my god, Beats
headphones, and this was it forme this year.
I didn't buy them, by the way.
Beats headphones are cheaperthan they've ever been.
And I've wanted these since Iwas 19 years old.
Maybe I should just buy them formyself, just give myself that
(34:15):
little dopamine hit.
And our kids see that.
They experience that, even ifthey don't physically see it.
They see it in the packages thatcome to the door from Amazon or
wherever else, they see it inthe things in the checkout cart
at Target, they see it in howmuch time we spend online
shopping, and most importantly,they see it in our body
language.
And if we practice gratitude andif we model gratitude, so this
(34:39):
is funny because the firstquestion really tracks perfectly
with chapter two in my book.
So if you don't know my book,there's 13 chapters.
I know, unlucky.
Chapter one is called TheProblem with Punishment.
It's just all about whatpunishment doesn't work and how
brains work when they'redysregulated.
Chapter two is called Curiosity,like cure get curious, not
furious.
(34:59):
And it's all about rather thanlooking at your kids' be
misbehavior or maladaptivebehavior or problematic stuff
that they do as them being bad.
We look at it as what is thisbehavior telling me?
What what's what's the curiouswhat how can I be curious about
this?
That was Megan.
How can I be curious about whymy kid is melting down after
three gifts?
(35:20):
Right?
Chapter three is about modeling.
What's mirrored is model what'smodeled is mirrored.
The things that you want foryour kids have to be the things
that you do yourself.
Monkey see, monkey do.
Do as I say, not as I do hasnever worked and it never will.
Not with kids.
Ashley, that's the advice foryou.
(35:42):
Yes, everything that I just saidabout presence, everything I
said about consumerism,everything I said about
neuroscience and not gettingyour kids too many things, and
dopamine and serotonin and allthat, and being in front of your
parents and all of that.
Also, if you want your kid to begrateful, be the most grateful
person in the world in front ofyour kids.
Kids see that, they absorb it,and they become it.
(36:03):
Okay, I have time for one more.
Um, but okay, and you know what?
The last question that I havewas kind of going right off of
the one that I just did.
So I'm gonna do the thirdquestion.
I'm gonna do one more.
That's what I have to have timefor time for.
And this one was an email.
Jordan, I have to give you yourprops because you sent it into
(36:23):
podcast atwholeparentacademy.com, even
though I wasn't responding toemails in that way.
I wasn't doing parent questionsat that point, but they had
already sent it in.
So it says, Jordan says, Myhusband grew up super poor, so
he goes nuts with gifts likeAmazon type nuts every at our
house, every hour type nuts.
(36:44):
Then he gets mad when our kidsaren't reacting like the
commercials.
Literally, last year he said,Why aren't you excited?
Then they were just kind ofoverwhelmed and staring.
I know how I don't know how totell him that maybe it's too
much, but also I get it.
I don't know.
I'm just curious how otherfamilies deal with this.
Okay, so I've already kind ofcovered why it's too much, but I
(37:06):
want to get to the how do otherfamilies deal with this?
And I want to go beyond just getyour gives one gift.
Because for Jordan and herhusband, who may not be a whole
parent follower, right?
Maybe a household where you havetwo people who parent different
ways, and that's okay.
That's actually sometimes goodfor kids to have different
approaches to parenting.
(37:29):
That may not be a solution.
So here's what I would offer toyou.
I think the best thing that wecan do for our kids on a holiday
is to make a memory.
And the lie that we are sold isthat that memory has to be made
(37:51):
in the way that other peoplemake that memory.
You said they're not reactinglike the commercials, right?
The amazing thing that we oftenforget is memories are those
times often when things don'tfeel like what we expect.
(38:12):
They are different.
If all of us had a pictureperfect holiday where we did
exactly the same thing and wewere little robots, right?
Who just did Christmas the sameway or whatever holiday we
celebrate the same way, theresult would be that those would
be incredibly unmemorable.
(38:34):
I think what your husband islonging for, and I think what
many of us long for, is for ourkids to have long-term
traditions and memories of joy.
And so I would ask the questionhow can we make those joyous
memories outside of giftexchange?
(38:55):
Let's just take the giftoverwhelm, let's put it on the
side.
How do we make those memories inother adaptive ways?
So one thing that I like to do,you don't have to steal mine,
you can do another one.
We do a scavenger hunt onChristmas, and sometimes it's
(39:16):
like for a piece of candy orsomething, or sometimes it's for
like a family gift.
But we do a scavenger hunt whereour kids literally go around the
house and they find clues.
It it costs us more time thanwrapping an additional couple of
pieces of plastic junk.
But we'll like hide clues, andour kids will have to go around
and search.
And as our kids are gettingolder, I've started to think
(39:38):
like, oh man, should we hide oneoutside so that they have to get
all their stuff on and like gotrumping out into the backyard
and tromping out into thebackyard and you know, wading
through the snow to the shed tofind one of these, like a
lawnmower type clue.
And as they do that, as they soit becomes a memory, right?
(39:59):
Like, like what they win at theend, who cares?
But it becomes a memory of athing.
Another one, really easy.
We do Swedish pancakes.
This is actually a traditionthat goes back to my parents and
and actually, I think mygrandparents.
We do Swedish pancakes as like afancy meal instead of like a
turkey dinner or something likethat.
We're vegetarians anyway, but wedo like fake turkey on
(40:20):
Thanksgiving to like kind of dothe thing, do the Thanksgiving
thing.
But on Christmas, we justabandon that and we're like,
okay, we're gonna get likeSwedish pancakes and lingen
berries and and powdered sugar,and basically it's just gonna be
like a sugar rush, uh probably abad better way to put it, but
like it's just gonna be thisfeast of things that kids
(40:41):
actually like.
That becomes a Christmas memorybecause it's not what other
people do.
Think about Christmas not aslike, well, if my kids could
show up to school on Monday orwhatever after Chris, you know,
after New Year's, and they haveto compare what they got
(41:04):
compared to their friends, thatthey're winning.
That's the consumerist mindset.
That's probably where yourhusband is operating from.
He probably grew up feeling likeit was a competition between him
and his friends and feeling likehe was losing.
And he's like, My kids are nevergonna lose.
And if they're not excitedenough, then they're not gonna
show back up at school and andand you know, not be losers like
(41:27):
I was.
I think that's a bigger part ofit than we're willing to admit
to ourselves.
I think that's a huge piece ofall of this, is that we don't we
don't want our kids to feel leftout, we don't want them to feel
disappointed or whatever.
And so instead we just make itabout the competition.
(41:51):
We're just gonna compete for themassive amounts of stuff that we
can give to our kids.
And I don't think that that'shealthy.
So instead, I want you to thinkabout whether, as you're
processing how you want to doChristmas, what are the things
that not on Monday morning, butsomeday with their future.
Spouse, they're gonna be able tosay, This is what we did on
(42:12):
Christmas, and it was reallyunique and it was of strong
memory, and their spouse isgonna go, Oh my gosh, that's
that's so cool, and that's sonovel, and I like I love that.
I think that those are thethings that we should be
focusing on.
And I've heard time and timeagain people talk about these
things, and there's so many ofthem, and you can just like
(42:34):
Google them of just interestingChristmas traditions and make it
quirky and make it fun, and andmove the goalposts away from the
gift exchange piece of it, andinstead focus on the other ways
that you can make that dayspecial.
And if you can do that, I thinkthat you're gonna go way further
than you think in the memorymaking thing.
(42:57):
So that's what I have for you.
I've already recorded a super, Ithink, full episode to talk
about gift exchange.
And I just want everyone to tokind of experience or just sit
for a moment and think aboutlike what do you really want for
your kids this Christmas?
Do you want them to have aChristmas morning that mirrors a
(43:20):
Hallmark card or whatever, or ora Hallmark movie?
Or do you want them to have theexperience that they were mem
making memories and makingtraditions and they were growing
together?
And if it's that, if you'relooking for that, then you have
to start from a place that isn'tjust how much can I spend and
how much can I wrap?
(43:41):
And if you can do that, you'regonna be way better off.
Okay, that's what I have for youin this episode.
Thank you for joining me.
Thank you for joining those whojoined live.
If you were listening to thislive and maybe you had to leave
and go do bedtime or somethingand came back and finished the
podcast, I'm gonna keep keeptrying to record podcasts live,
but anyway, that's all I got.
(44:04):
That's gift overwhelm.
This has been the Whole ParentPodcast.
Thank you again for listening tothis episode of the Whole Parent
Podcast.
If you are listening to thisright now, yes, you in your car
driving somewhere on a walk withyour kids.
(44:24):
Perhaps your kids are meltingdown and you're listening to
this on your headphones with thenoise cancellation turned on.
Whatever you're doing whileyou're listening, doing the
dishes at night after your kidsgo to bed, I don't know.
That would just be me if I waslistening.
Stop right now.
I have three quick favors to askyou.
I promise they're not gonna takeyou very long.
The first one, very, very easy.
(44:46):
Go in to wherever you'relistening to this podcast and
rate it five stars.
That's one, two, three, four,five stars.
The more five star reviews thatour podcast gets as we
accumulate episodes, the morelikely it is to be pushed out to
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their problems.
Whatever you got out of thisepisode, whether it was
something that to try with yourkids, whether it was a new way
(45:07):
to think about parenting, maybethis episode was not
specifically about a problemthat you're having, but you're
somebody in your life who'shaving this problem.
Go in and rate it five stars.
And if you have an additional 30seconds, that first one only
takes you 10 seconds.
If you have an additional 30seconds, just type a few words
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I'd love to read, I'd love toread the reviews.
If there's something specificthat's helped you, write it out.
(45:29):
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(45:53):
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(46:15):
somebody in their life who said,Hey, this guy has a way of
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You don't know if they listen toit or not, they might never
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(46:35):
The last thing that you can dois definitely the biggest ask
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(46:56):
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If it's not worth the price of acoffee for you, obviously don't
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(47:17):
Those are the ways that you cansupport me.
And as always, I think thatyou're a great parent already.
But I do hope this episode gaveyou something to make you a
little bit better.
Take care.
If you've ever watched your child tear through
a pile of gifts, getoverwhelmed, meltdown, and
suddenly seem straightungrateful, you're not alone.
Maybe it looks like entitlement,maybe it looks like
disappointment, maybe it's justa total sensory overload
disguised as bad behavior.
But today we're going to talkabout what's actually going on
(00:20):
beneath all of that.
The psycho psychological, theemotional, the even biological
layers that explain why kidsstruggle with gifts, and why
gratitude is not something thatyou can simply turn on because
we want them to.
And most importantly, how we cannavigate as parents without
guilt, without shame, withouttrying to manufacture the
(00:41):
perfect holiday moment.
I'm going to share some simpleexpectations to set before gifts
are even opened, some practicalways to teach gratitude without
guilt or performative matters, arealistic picture of what
gratitude looks like atdifferent ages, why force thank
yous often backfire.
I'm also going to give you sometools to manage your own, that
(01:01):
is to say, our own as parents,expectations, so that we're not
carrying the pressure of makingthat perfect reaction or getting
that perfect reaction out of ourkids.
Okay, let's dig into it.
I dug back through the lastyear's holiday podcast episodes,
(01:22):
which if you didn't know this,the last year's podcast, season
two, was a little bit differentthan this.
So season three is live.
It's just kind of off the cuff.
And I'm answering questions frompeople, whether that's like
TikTok comments or Instagram DMsor emailed in.
And if you have a question, youcan always email it to podcast
at wholeparentacademy.com.
(01:44):
Um, and I just answer thequestions and try and figure out
like how is this all gonna work?
So I dug back through lastyear's, which were more scripted
out.
I did like a Santa episode, it'sreally good.
You should go listen to it.
And I found out this, like, kindof I found these like painfully
relevant ones.
Some of them were actuallycomments on videos that I made
(02:04):
about last year's podcastepisode.
But anyway, the first one comesfrom Megan, and it this was an
Instagram DM.
And somebody offered me thislast week.
They said, Hey John, we'd loveto know where these come from so
that we know like how we can getin touch with you.
But the best way, again, is tosubmit them podcast at or at
podcast atwholeparentacademy.com.
(02:25):
But sometimes I pull them fromother places, like when I'm
trying to do an episode aboutsomething specific.
And this one is if it wasn'tclear, about gift overwhelm.
How do you handle kids who arejust like super overwhelmed by
the Christmas morningexperience?
Okay, so here's from Megan, it'san I uh Instagram DM, and she
says, John, please tell me thatmy four-year-old isn't broken.
(02:47):
We did Christmas with my in-lawslast night, and he legit melted
down after opening like threegifts.
My mother-in-law kept sayingthat he was being ungrateful.
I honestly kind of snapped athim too, because it did look
bratty in the moment, but thenlater he was totally normal.
I don't get what that was.
Am I missing something?
Okay, Megan, I love thisquestion to start off with, and
(03:10):
this is just like so brutallyrelatable because I feel like so
many of us sit in that momentwith our kids where they're
opening presents on Christmasmorning or whatever, and they're
like, wait, they're not doingany of the things that I'm
you're supposed to do.
They're not saying thank you,they're not like seeming
appreciative enough.
I remember like when my kidsopen a gift in front of the
(03:32):
person who got it for them, andI feel like they have to, even
if they don't like it, and Iknow that they don't like it
because I just know them so muchbetter than whoever got them
that gift, they like don't likeit, and I'm just like, just
pretend like you like it.
Like we can throw it away, or weI'll get you something else.
Like, I don't even care, butjust like pretend in that moment
like you like it.
Our kids just do not at all dowhat we're what we want them to
(03:54):
do.
And so the first thing I wantedyou to tell to want to tell you
is that your four-year-old isdefinitely not broken.
Um, gifts are super overwhelmingto receive.
I know a lot of adults who don'tlike to receive gifts.
There are adults that I'veworked with in therapeutic or
counseling environments who talkabout like terror at getting
gifts.
I have multiple people in myfamily who we just don't do
(04:16):
gifts because we just like thewhole exchanging like, do we
really want to do this?
Can you just, you know, haveyour money and buy your you
yourself stuff?
And can I just have my money andbuy whatever I need for me?
And so it's not broken at all,but I think it does speak to how
overwhelming and how our kidsare not conditioned socially,
(04:39):
unless we condition them to kindof do that thing that we're
asking them to do or that weexpect them to do.
And so they're new humans, theyhave new brains, and so they
don't really know like howthey're supposed to respond or
how they're supposed to do this,that, or the others, other.
So the first thing that I hearwhen your kid melted down after
opening three gifts is numberone, what else was going on
(05:01):
ahead of that?
Right?
Because you're you're sayingthat it's Christmas, okay.
So what does that mean?
So you're with your in-laws, itsays, and it's last night, this
is when the comment was left.
First thing that comes into mymind is are you with your
in-laws or are you at yourin-laws' house?
(05:22):
Because if your kids in acompletely, I don't want to say
completely unfamiliar, but ifyour kids are not in their home
turf, they're not in their homeenvironment, then a meltdown
becomes way more likely.
Now you said last night, and I'mreading between the lines in
this comment, maybe this is badon my part.
I'm I'm assuming things, but I'mthis is all I have to go off.
The second thing that I wouldsay is we often will tell kids,
(05:46):
and I saw this like scroll, Iwas scrolling across my feed the
other day, waiting for somethingto post, and I saw somebody post
that like a lot of time whatwhat the equivalent of what we
would be doing to an adult whenwe do this to kids around the
holidays, when we push backtheir bedtime, because just like
the socially appropriate thingto do is to go to the holiday
party, even though it doesn'tfit with their specific schedule
(06:09):
or routine.
It's kind of like saying to anadult, like, hey, you know,
Christmas dinner is gonna be alittle bit different tomorrow
than than usual.
We're gonna we're gonna eat at10, or we're gonna eat at
midnight, or we're gonna eat at2 a.m.
And that's what it feels like toa kid.
Like it's so overwhelming.
What do you mean we're gonna eatat 2 a.m.?
Well, don't worry, I'll give youa snack.
No, I want to be asleep.
I want to be in bed.
And your kid has no words forthat at four.
(06:30):
But I'll tell you, like, mythree-year-old, who's almost
four, so he is one month awayfrom being four right now.
He goes to bed at six o'clockp.m.
I know that that's prettyextreme, but when I think about
like doing having him openpresence in an unfamiliar
environment at eight o'clock,nine o'clock at night, because
(06:51):
that's when the holiday partywas happening, or that's when it
ended, or that's when giftexchange happened.
Like, of course he melted down.
He would have melted down if Ihad given him a cookie at 8 p.m.
at somebody else's house when hewants to be asleep in his his
own bed.
So it doesn't surprise me thatyour kid melted down and has
nothing to do with like even ifthere was no gifts involved.
(07:11):
We take kids, we pull them outof routines.
A lot of times we put them inlike really scratchy clothes,
which I'm I mean, this is kindof like a silly thing, but but I
think about like when I wasgrowing up, my parents would put
me in like a like a wool sweaterto go to the family Christmas
party.
And like that was nevercomfortable for me.
I mean, sure, they make likereally comfortable wool sweaters
(07:32):
these days, and I wish I waswearing one right now because
I'm freezing.
But they they would like put mein the scratchiest, most
horrible clothes.
I would always have to wear likekhaki pants because I was going
to my grandmother's house andlike we had to like look
presentable for her.
We were often asked to perform,literally, perform if we played
a musical instrument, especiallyif that musical instrument, if
(07:52):
the private lessons for thatmusical instrument were being
funded by my grandparents.
This this was actually a vestigeholdover of their holiday
tradition.
So when my dad was growing up,his grandfather would pay for
every kid in their family wasallowed to pick an instrument,
and their grandfather would getthem that instrument.
So if you pick the trumpet, hewould buy that kid a trumpet.
(08:16):
And it's a beautiful, wonderfulthing, and like it goes with
it's there's so much good inthat.
But then there was thisexpectation that every Christmas
they would like perform aChristmas song on this
instrument that had beenpurchased for them.
So like literally sometimes Ihad to bring my upright bass.
I just imagine this, justpicture this for a second.
Like, here's this, let's say,10-year-old John, right?
(08:36):
I'm not four in this picture,but I'm with this 10-year-old
kid, and I'm carrying an uprightbass, which is bigger than I am,
wearing like a wool sweater andmaybe like a Chicago Bulls
jacket in snow boots and khakisinto my grandparents' house so
that I could perform a terriblerendition of Silent Night with
(08:57):
every adult in the roomwatching, while then I was going
to stay up late and eat junk,like just mostly sugar, and then
like after all of that, then thepresents were opened.
Is there any scenario in whichthat is an environment where a
kid is not going to melt down?
(09:18):
So that's part one of this is weput kids, and I'm not saying
you, Megan, but we put kids, allof us, into positions where they
are not set up to thrive aroundthe holidays because we pull
them out of their routines, wepull them out of their norms,
and kids are so routine-based.
(09:38):
We've been talking about this onthe podcast for the last two
weeks or the last two episodes,which were actually both
published this week.
If you're listening live as I'mrecording this live tonight on
Instagram and YouTube andFacebook, you would know that
the other two episodes, one ofthem was posted today, and one
of them was posted on Tuesday.
So this whole week we've beentalking about routines, and I've
said it over and over again, andI'll say it one more time, just
(10:00):
for the peanut gallery, and thatis that kids cannot predict the
future well because theirprefrontal cortex is not
developed enough to do that.
And the brain is basically justa prediction machine.
And so the one of the primaryfunctions of their brain is to
is not functioning well, whichis to predict the future well.
And so now we've pulled them outof all their routines and they
(10:22):
can't predict what's going tohappen next.
And they feel vulnerable.
And the way that they get thatneed for control met is often by
melting down.
And it's not that they're beingcontrolling or being
narcissistic or being selfish,it's that they're literally like
they're so out of sorts thatthey don't know what else to do.
And so here they go, meltingdown because everything has led
(10:44):
them to that point.
But it just happens at the mostinopportune time because it's
happening during this time whenwe've all collectively said as a
society or as a family, you'regetting something right now.
I'm giving you a gift right now.
I I bought this and I wrapped itand I spent my money on it, and
I thought of you, and now you'regonna be ungrateful and you're
(11:06):
gonna be, you know, I forget allthe other words that she used
here, or maybe I'm just likethinking of the words that I
would use, like ungratefulBraddy.
That was a now you're gonna be abrat while you're opening this
gift.
And the answer is like, no, kidis just doing what kids do,
which is trying to get theirfundamental needs met.
And right now the need is like,hey, the fire alarm's going off.
(11:27):
This is not okay.
I don't understand what's goingon.
And then grandma just gave melike a train.
This is one of the presents I'mI'm outing myself.
My grandparents are are dead, sothey're not here to be upset.
A train alarm clock, right?
And they thought that was gonnabe like the greatest gift ever.
They like thought that I wasgonna like fall in love with
this train alarm clock.
(11:48):
Like, you just open a trainalarm clock, and you're just
like, what do I want a trainalarm clock for?
Like, and it's everything hashas led us up to that point.
So even if the gifts were greatthough, we would still be on
that like hair trigger.
And that and and so all of thatall comes up later, and it and
it just it feels in thosemoments like like everything is
(12:13):
coming to a head.
And you said later he wastotally normal.
My guess is later when you gothome, later when he was back
alone with you, later when hewas in his pajamas, later when
he was feeling more in controlof his surroundings.
Not surprising to me that thenhe felt within his own semblance
(12:33):
of control or whatever.
And then I want to say one morething before I move on to the
next question, because we gottwo questions or or three
questions, four questions.
We have four questions today.
I might not even be able tocover the last one, actually,
now looking at the clock,because we're already we're
already deep into this episode.
But I want to say one more thingabout this one before we go to
the next one, and I'm just gonnakind of fly over it here.
(12:54):
But when you said I honestlykind of snapped because when I
looked at him, he did seem kindof bratty to me.
When we get in front of ourfamilies, we go back to that
person, that child that we werearound them.
So I can be the most regulatedperson in the world, and I'm not
always be totally transparent,but I can be like the most
(13:16):
regulated person in the worldaround my new life, which is my
wife, my kids, my job that Ihave, uh obviously social media
stuff when I have to travel.
I can be very regulated.
I get around my mom and mybrothers, and like holy smokes,
I'm just that kid again.
Like, I'm that little kid whowho's feeling all of those
(13:38):
little kid emotions, but now inan adult body.
And so it's unsurprising to methat you snapped because you're
also out of routine, you're alsonot in a perfectly um catered,
you know, curated environment.
You're with your mother-in-lawand your father-in-law.
Like, I don't know when you metthem.
I met my mother and myfather-in-law when I was 17
(14:00):
years old.
Like they still see me as a kidin some ways, and so I can't
help sometimes but act like akid.
And so it's not surprising thatwe got to this point.
And I just want to say, Megan,you didn't do anything wrong.
And how I would frame this ingoing forward is I would say,
(14:22):
okay, number one, can werehearse ahead of time before we
go into these environments?
Can we game plan?
Here, this is what it's gonna belike.
Let's make a plan.
This is what it's gonna be like.
Here's when we're gonna openpresents.
This is the point in the night.
Here, you know, I'm gonna bringsome like an extra sweatshirt
for you in case you get annoyedwith what you're wearing.
(14:43):
Um, when you open the presents,you can you literally practice
this.
I I I'm not opposed to likeliterally wrapping boxes and
having your kids practiceopening presents and then like
looking at you and being like,okay, thank you.
And you just tell them this islike the social thing that we
do.
And I don't like forced thankyous.
(15:04):
I like real gratitude, but Ialso appreciate that while I can
allow for real gratitude and Iand I can not force thank yous
when it's me on Christmasmorning with my kids.
There are certain times whereit's easier to just say, hey, so
grandma, grandpa, they're gonnahave this expectation that you
say thank you.
(15:25):
And you don't have to, but likethis is the way that we can kind
of get around this.
And this is harder to do with anold with a younger kid than with
an older kid.
We're gonna talk about asix-year-old and a
seven-year-old later.
It's much easier to do with themto just say, hey, so this is
what we do because like theirgrandma's old school or
grandma's old school, and theyreally need to hear you say
thank you, no matter what.
And we can talk about why forcedthank yous aren't good, but but
(15:47):
ultimately, like that's that'swhere we want to go.
We want, we want to at leastgame plan out because there
doesn't need to be additionaljust like panic mode for us in
that moment when we feel likeour kids being bratty.
And and honestly, maybe youwouldn't even have felt that way
if it had not been, well,they're being bratty in this
environment because I have allthe emotions coming out at the
same time.
So all of that to say, I don'tthink your kid's broken.
(16:11):
I think that your kid's verynormal.
I think this is a very normalexperience.
And if if all you needed to hearthis this this year before you
go with a five-year-old toChristmas is validation that
your kid is not broken or bad,um, you're there's the
validation.
And what I would be doing if Iwere you now, we have 20 days
before Christmas, is practicing,practicing how that response can
(16:33):
be, and then also set your ownexpectations of it might still
not work out.
And that's okay too.
Okay, my second question camefrom Ashley, another mom, and
this one was a TikTok comment.
So the first one was an uhInstagram DM, this one was a
TikTok comment.
I think I kept saying that whenit was a comment, but it was a
DM.
This one's a comment and says,Okay, I don't want to sound like
that mom, but how do youactually make kids appreciate
(16:55):
stuff?
My daughter's six, she just ripsthrough presents, doesn't look
at even look at the people.
I'm assuming that she means thepeople who got her the gifts.
She doesn't even look at people.
My mom keeps whispering that sheneeds to learn manners, but
yeah, how?
I feel like she should be oldenough to be grateful.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just doing it wrong.
(17:16):
Okay, Ashley.
Perfect setup.
I forgot that we were gonnaanswer this question.
Otherwise, I probably wouldn'thave talked so much about the
force gratitude.
But let's let's get into it.
So, how do we actually make kidsgrateful, right?
The first thing, the first waythat we can make kids grateful
is we can give them less stuff.
And I know that that sounds likea Grinchy thing to say, but I've
(17:40):
been posting a lot about thislately, and uh what I'm
receiving back is a lot ofaffirmation that this is right.
And I knew that this was rightbecause the data supports this
conclusion, but it's it's goodto hear other parents also say,
like, yes, me too.
So, first, first things first,let's just call this what it is.
We give our kids stuff to makeourselves feel better.
(18:03):
We give our kids stuff becausewe have been sold a myth, a lie
in Western culture that the morestuff we buy our kids, the more
presents that are under ourunder the tree, the more time we
spend rapping, the more time wespend working to buy those
things, the bigger the giftsare, the longer Christmas
morning takes, all of thesethings are directly correlated
(18:23):
or tied to or evidence of howmuch we love our kids.
And that's ridiculous.
Point blank, full stop, that'sridiculous.
How much money you have to spendon gifts or how many gifts you
choose to get, even if you havemore money than you choose to
spend, have nothing to do withhow much you love your kid.
We have taken this all the wayback from, you know, and we do
(18:44):
this not just with kids, we dothis with everybody in our life.
When we have aconsumerist-driven mindset, we
say, Well, how good of a lifeyou have is how much stuff you
buy for yourself.
How much you love your fiance ishow big of the ring is, right?
Like all of these things areevidence of your love,
affection, caring, success.
(19:06):
That's nonsense.
I would use a much more crassterm, but I keep my podcast
non-explicit, but that's bull,okay?
You don't have to get your kidsa lot of stuff.
And in fact, they're going to beless grateful if you get them
more stuff.
Give you the example of what Idid last year before I talk
about how we can get our kids tobe grateful in general.
(19:28):
And by the way, I also hear mymom keeps whispering she needs
to learn manners.
I don't know if you're sayingyour mom is literally there
whispering, or if your mom is inthe back of your head
whispering.
Either case, the fact that youidentified your mom tells me
that we also have the same thinggoing on that was going on with
Megan, which is the holidays arethe time when we bring out our
(19:51):
families and we have to parentin front of them, and all of a
sudden, all of our bestimpulses, right?
You can read my book, PunishmentFree Parenting, and you can love
everything inside of it.
And then you get in front ofyour in-laws or you get in front
of your own parents.
It's probably worse with yourown parents, to be honest.
And all of a sudden it's like,no, I just need to like make
sure that they think I'm a good.
I don't even care if I think I'ma good parent today.
(20:12):
I don't even care if my kidsthink I'm a good parent.
I care if my mom thinks I'm agood parent.
And I care if my mom thinks Idon't even care if I think my
daughter's a good kid.
I care if my mom thinks mydaughter is a good kid.
Because for your wholechildhood, that person defined
your reality.
They defined when they saidsomething was good, it was good.
When they said you were beingkind, you were being kind.
(20:34):
When they said you were beinggrateful, you were being
grateful, whether or not youwere.
And so because their statementsdefine your reality as a child,
when you get back in front ofthem and you go back into your
childhood mode, to some extent,right?
I'm not calling us children.
We're obviously all adults andwe have the ability to transcend
this and we should.
(21:00):
Why?
Because everything my mom saidbetween the ages of zero and 10
at least was gospel to me.
Right?
My mom used to literally say,Mom is never wrong.
And my mom is not that type ofperson.
That was just culture.
I don't even know if she saidit.
Actually, now that I say thisout loud in front of however
many thousands of people, thatmight be not even true.
(21:23):
She may not have even said that,but that was a very clear
message.
Mom is never wrong.
Mom is always right.
And that's we got to deconstructthat.
So, okay, so what did we do lastyear?
What where I was going with thisbefore I got sidetracked by my
own ADHD.
We decided last year that we'regoing to do one gift.
And when I say we, really, itwas, I kept saying, I think
we're doing too many gifts, Ithink we're doing too many
(21:45):
gifts.
We don't need so many gifts.
And my wife said, Great, let'sjust do one.
Because she is the I can say alot of stuff, but my wife can
really come in and be the hero.
And so she's the hero here.
She said, Let's do one gift.
We got them.
It was a TikTok comment, so I'lljust call out TikTok shop.
We bought them on TikTok shop.
There were these three cars, allthree of my kids who were eight,
four, and two at the time, allgot the same present.
(22:06):
There were these little drivablecars, weren't super expensive.
I'm not like the I would saythat they're probably 40 bucks a
piece, maybe 50 bucks a piece.
I don't know.
But not like we weren't spending$300 a piece on these cars.
Okay, they were not superexpensive by any means.
And they were just these littlethree-wheeled cars that they
could drive around, they couldturn real sharp so you can drive
(22:27):
them in the house.
And that was kind of our goal.
We just want to get them all onething.
And I will tell you without adoubt that because they weren't
ripping through present afterpresent after present, which is
what you're describing for yourdaughter, because it was one
thing, they really got toexperience joy and gratitude for
that one thing.
(22:48):
And it's not like the wholeholiday season we didn't give
them anything or get themanything.
Like we did little knickknackshere and there.
We tend to not be super like,no, you can't have that wait
till Christmas, just in general,because it builds up this level
of expectation and anticipationthat's just not healthy in our
family, at least.
But my kids opened that thingand then they drove them around
(23:10):
for a while.
I had assembled them so thatthey could just and charge them
so they could just go rightthen.
They drove them around for awhile, and then after like half
an hour of playing with them,they like got their stickers out
and got their markers out andtape out pictures and stuff and
just drew all over these things,like drew all over a piece of
paper and taped them up.
And they got like they had likename letters and they like named
them.
(23:31):
And then they started marking onscuffing up the walls and like
they denting the refrigerator,which was like brand new.
We never ever buy newappliances, we always buy our
appliances used, and we boughtlike a new refrigerator because
our our house is weird and builtof concrete, and you only one
refrigerator would fit.
So we had to buy a new one, andlike within a month of getting
(23:51):
it, is Christmas, and my kidsare just dent putting dents in
the bottom of it with theircars.
So then they took duct tape andpool noodles from the basement
that we cut and they like builtbumper cars, and they then it
was a whole new gift.
It was now bumper cars, and thenthey like one of my kids
attached a box with a with astring to the back, and he
pulled around like beaniebabies, and he was like a
(24:13):
driver, it was like a train.
And literally every kid in theneighborhood came over to our
house in the first two weeks,and they like everybody wanted
to play with these, and we hadthe best Christmas.
Guys, we spent so much less thanother people on Christmas.
We probably probably otherparents in our neighborhood got
those cars.
They like were out of stock bythe time we had my wife not
ordered them early, like theywould have been gone.
(26:45):
But it was all about thecontext.
They only got one thing, and sothey truly could be grateful for
it.
Your body, your brain, and thisis where I'm gonna get nerdy
neuroscience here, but like yourbrain does not have a capacity
to be more happy than thehappiest that it can be.
I'm gonna say that again.
(27:05):
Your brain does not have acapacity to be more happy than
the happiest it can be.
This is why we have billionairesin this country, and I don't
want to get on the soapboxsoapbox here, but a billionaire
is not a billion times or amillion times more happy than a
person with a hundred thousanddollars.
A billionaire is not a hundredor a thousand times more happy
(27:26):
than a person with a milliondollars.
A hundred billionaire is not ahundred times as happy as a
person with a billion dollars.
You have a limited amount ofdopamine and serotonin that your
brain can experience.
And so the only way to be lesshappy is to divide up that
dopamine and serotonin amongstmore things.
(27:47):
This is why billionaires andpeople with massive amounts of
money are actually less happy.
This is actually why people witheven who are multimillionaires
are less happy.
We know that money in one as itrelates to one's happiness has a
diminishing marginal returnsafter, like, I don't remember
what the number is today.
I don't even know what it istoday, but but 15 years ago, it
(28:07):
was like it was like$120,000.
Like after$120,000, you're nevergonna be as happy as you were,
or you're never, you're notgonna get any happier for every
dollar more that you have.
And in fact, at some point itbecomes negative return.
And this is because when we takeour happiness and we divide it
up amongst more things, justimagine that you have 20 units
of dopamine in your brain,right?
(28:28):
And it's obviously this is not,this is just an analogy.
This is not actually how itworks, but you have 20 units of
dopamine in your brain, you getone gift.
That break, that gift is worth20 units of dopamine.
If you get 20 gifts, each one isonly worth one unit of dopamine,
but you're not gonna divide itup evenly.
So actually, a couple of thosegifts that you really like are
gonna be worth five.
And then some of them are gonnabe worth none.
(28:50):
And those are the presents thatwhen you get them as a kid, and
this was my experience, andmaybe I came from a very
privileged household.
I didn't think of ours asextremely rich, but we did open
a lot of presents on Christmas.
My parents didn't get us stuffwith for the rest of the year
most of the time.
But there were definitelypresents that I never took out
of the box, right?
Like, I don't even know if theythey made it into my bedroom.
(29:13):
Because if you open too muchstuff, like you don't even,
you're not gonna be grateful.
And as parents, we don't havethe same reaction to our kids
opening those additional things.
And then when there's otherpeople involved, right?
You you have family members,aunts, uncles, grandparents
buying gifts, and they're notgonna be as good at buying gifts
for for kids as we are becausethey don't know their kid, our
(29:36):
kids like we do.
So now theirs are automaticallygonna be relegated to the lower
tier.
And so why are we not thrilledwith what grandma got us?
Because we're we're alreadyspent in how much we could be
happy.
And now when this additionalthing comes through, it actually
becomes more of an addictivepattern of behavior rather than
(29:57):
like an enjoyment pattern ofbehavior.
Kids literally get into thislike ripping through the paper
and then throwing the gift asideand then ripping through the
next paper and then throwingthat gift aside and then ripping
through the next paper.
And it's this like slot machine,right?
It's like they're just pullingthe slot machine.
What's gonna be in the next one?
What's gonna be in the next one?
What's gonna be in the next one?
And that is why our Instagramfeeds and our TikTok feeds
(30:19):
function the way they do.
We swipe them down so that theygive us that dopamine hit of,
oh, I don't know what's gonnacome next, what's gonna load
first?
In the same way, I don't knowwhat's gonna be in the next box,
and so I'm gonna rip it open.
And so the way that we make kidsgrateful actually is to get them
less stuff.
And then again, we can talk tothem after the fact, after the
(30:41):
chaos of that morning, right?
That is never a good time toteach in the midst of like paper
flying everywhere and like thiscoffee spilling, and like
everybody's overwhelmed.
Not a good like our kids areliterally on like a high.
Not a good time to be like,let's talk about gratitude and
let's think about how grandmagot you this thing and what it
(31:03):
cost for her to get that, orwhat it, what the amount of time
that she took spending to thinkabout that and why she got you
that never a good time.
So, what I would do in that caseis I would take again the
principles for my book,Punishment Free Parenting.
I'd go, okay, the time ofdysregulation is not the time to
teach.
In the same way as the tantrumis dysregulation, ripping open a
(31:25):
bunch of presents on Christmasmorning is dysregulation too.
It just looks different.
So I'm not gonna try and teachthen.
I would rather line up all thegifts, you don't have to
physically line them up, butjust think about them to keep
track of them.
And I would sit with your kid aday, two days later, and I'd go,
let's let's just spend some timebeing appreciative about the
(31:46):
things that we got this year.
And then I would do one otherthing, and this is actually the
hack for gratitude.
I would make it extremely clearto my kids that I was grateful,
not when I was a kid, but rightnow.
If you want your kid toapologize, apologize to them.
(32:06):
If you want your kid to berespectful, respect them.
If you want your kid to begrateful, be grateful to them
and in front of them.
Modeling is the best and mostimportant type of teaching that
we do.
And so when we are not peoplewho live in gratitude, if we're
constantly looking for the nextthing and the next dopamine hit
in our lives, if we'reconstantly not spending any time
(32:29):
doing gratitude practiceourselves.
And by the way, you can't fakethis stuff.
Like your kid picks up on thesignals.
So you actually have to learn tobe grateful.
And here's the good news for allof us learning to be grateful is
probably one of the mostadvantageous and adaptive things
that we can do with our brains.
We know people who are grateful,who experience gratitude on a
(32:50):
daily basis, have better immunehealth.
They have better, and this isnot me, woo-woo.
I'm not gonna sell yousupplements.
Be grateful.
Write down the things you'regrateful for every day because
it's actually gonna make yougive you a better life.
You have better immune health,you have better longevity, you
have better relationships, youdon't long and seek for things
that are not gonna be that aregonna be destructive patterns of
behavior.
(33:10):
You don't even long and seek forthings that are gonna be net
neutral, right?
You you save more, you don'tspend as much because you're
grateful.
And so gratitude is the key to ahealthy and happy life as an
adult.
And yet we don't do it sofrequently.
We live in a culture, again,going all the way back to the
first question and the secondquestion, a culture of
(33:33):
consumerism that does not everpractice gratitude in a real
way.
Ironic, right?
Because we just came off ofThanksgiving, where
Thanksgiving, it's like, let'ssit down and all think about
what we're grateful for, so thatimmediately as we're driving
home, we can load the BlackFriday sales and buy all the
things that'll make us happy.
We just sat around a table andsaid, Here are all the things
(33:53):
that make us happy, and my lifeis so good.
And here are my family, and if Ihad nothing else, you would be
enough.
And then we load on our phonesthat, oh my god, Beats
headphones, and this was it forme this year.
I didn't buy them, by the way.
Beats headphones are cheaperthan they've ever been.
And I've wanted these since Iwas 19 years old.
Maybe I should just buy them formyself, just give myself that
(34:15):
little dopamine hit.
And our kids see that.
They experience that, even ifthey don't physically see it.
They see it in the packages thatcome to the door from Amazon or
wherever else, they see it inthe things in the checkout cart
at Target, they see it in howmuch time we spend online
shopping, and most importantly,they see it in our body
language.
And if we practice gratitude andif we model gratitude, so this
(34:39):
is funny because the firstquestion really tracks perfectly
with chapter two in my book.
So if you don't know my book,there's 13 chapters.
I know, unlucky.
Chapter one is called TheProblem with Punishment.
It's just all about whatpunishment doesn't work and how
brains work when they'redysregulated.
Chapter two is called Curiosity,like cure get curious, not
furious.
(34:59):
And it's all about rather thanlooking at your kids' be
misbehavior or maladaptivebehavior or problematic stuff
that they do as them being bad.
We look at it as what is thisbehavior telling me?
What what's what's the curiouswhat how can I be curious about
this?
That was Megan.
How can I be curious about whymy kid is melting down after
three gifts?
(35:20):
Right?
Chapter three is about modeling.
What's mirrored is model what'smodeled is mirrored.
The things that you want foryour kids have to be the things
that you do yourself.
Monkey see, monkey do.
Do as I say, not as I do hasnever worked and it never will.
Not with kids.
Ashley, that's the advice foryou.
(35:42):
Yes, everything that I just saidabout presence, everything I
said about consumerism,everything I said about
neuroscience and not gettingyour kids too many things, and
dopamine and serotonin and allthat, and being in front of your
parents and all of that.
Also, if you want your kid to begrateful, be the most grateful
person in the world in front ofyour kids.
Kids see that, they absorb it,and they become it.
(36:03):
Okay, I have time for one more.
Um, but okay, and you know what?
The last question that I havewas kind of going right off of
the one that I just did.
So I'm gonna do the thirdquestion.
I'm gonna do one more.
That's what I have to have timefor time for.
And this one was an email.
Jordan, I have to give you yourprops because you sent it into
(36:23):
podcast atwholeparentacademy.com, even
though I wasn't responding toemails in that way.
I wasn't doing parent questionsat that point, but they had
already sent it in.
So it says, Jordan says, Myhusband grew up super poor, so
he goes nuts with gifts likeAmazon type nuts every at our
house, every hour type nuts.
(36:44):
Then he gets mad when our kidsaren't reacting like the
commercials.
Literally, last year he said,Why aren't you excited?
Then they were just kind ofoverwhelmed and staring.
I know how I don't know how totell him that maybe it's too
much, but also I get it.
I don't know.
I'm just curious how otherfamilies deal with this.
Okay, so I've already kind ofcovered why it's too much, but I
(37:06):
want to get to the how do otherfamilies deal with this?
And I want to go beyond just getyour gives one gift.
Because for Jordan and herhusband, who may not be a whole
parent follower, right?
Maybe a household where you havetwo people who parent different
ways, and that's okay.
That's actually sometimes goodfor kids to have different
approaches to parenting.
(37:29):
That may not be a solution.
So here's what I would offer toyou.
I think the best thing that wecan do for our kids on a holiday
is to make a memory.
And the lie that we are sold isthat that memory has to be made
(37:51):
in the way that other peoplemake that memory.
You said they're not reactinglike the commercials, right?
The amazing thing that we oftenforget is memories are those
times often when things don'tfeel like what we expect.
(38:12):
They are different.
If all of us had a pictureperfect holiday where we did
exactly the same thing and wewere little robots, right?
Who just did Christmas the sameway or whatever holiday we
celebrate the same way, theresult would be that those would
be incredibly unmemorable.
(38:34):
I think what your husband islonging for, and I think what
many of us long for, is for ourkids to have long-term
traditions and memories of joy.
And so I would ask the questionhow can we make those joyous
memories outside of giftexchange?
(38:55):
Let's just take the giftoverwhelm, let's put it on the
side.
How do we make those memories inother adaptive ways?
So one thing that I like to do,you don't have to steal mine,
you can do another one.
We do a scavenger hunt onChristmas, and sometimes it's
(39:16):
like for a piece of candy orsomething, or sometimes it's for
like a family gift.
But we do a scavenger hunt whereour kids literally go around the
house and they find clues.
It it costs us more time thanwrapping an additional couple of
pieces of plastic junk.
But we'll like hide clues, andour kids will have to go around
and search.
And as our kids are gettingolder, I've started to think
(39:38):
like, oh man, should we hide oneoutside so that they have to get
all their stuff on and like gotrumping out into the backyard
and tromping out into thebackyard and you know, wading
through the snow to the shed tofind one of these, like a
lawnmower type clue.
And as they do that, as they soit becomes a memory, right?
(39:59):
Like, like what they win at theend, who cares?
But it becomes a memory of athing.
Another one, really easy.
We do Swedish pancakes.
This is actually a traditionthat goes back to my parents and
and actually, I think mygrandparents.
We do Swedish pancakes as like afancy meal instead of like a
turkey dinner or something likethat.
We're vegetarians anyway, but wedo like fake turkey on
(40:20):
Thanksgiving to like kind of dothe thing, do the Thanksgiving
thing.
But on Christmas, we justabandon that and we're like,
okay, we're gonna get likeSwedish pancakes and lingen
berries and and powdered sugar,and basically it's just gonna be
like a sugar rush, uh probably abad better way to put it, but
like it's just gonna be thisfeast of things that kids
(40:41):
actually like.
That becomes a Christmas memorybecause it's not what other
people do.
Think about Christmas not aslike, well, if my kids could
show up to school on Monday orwhatever after Chris, you know,
after New Year's, and they haveto compare what they got
(41:04):
compared to their friends, thatthey're winning.
That's the consumerist mindset.
That's probably where yourhusband is operating from.
He probably grew up feeling likeit was a competition between him
and his friends and feeling likehe was losing.
And he's like, My kids are nevergonna lose.
And if they're not excitedenough, then they're not gonna
show back up at school and andand you know, not be losers like
(41:27):
I was.
I think that's a bigger part ofit than we're willing to admit
to ourselves.
I think that's a huge piece ofall of this, is that we don't we
don't want our kids to feel leftout, we don't want them to feel
disappointed or whatever.
And so instead we just make itabout the competition.
(41:51):
We're just gonna compete for themassive amounts of stuff that we
can give to our kids.
And I don't think that that'shealthy.
So instead, I want you to thinkabout whether, as you're
processing how you want to doChristmas, what are the things
that not on Monday morning, butsomeday with their future.
Spouse, they're gonna be able tosay, This is what we did on
(42:12):
Christmas, and it was reallyunique and it was of strong
memory, and their spouse isgonna go, Oh my gosh, that's
that's so cool, and that's sonovel, and I like I love that.
I think that those are thethings that we should be
focusing on.
And I've heard time and timeagain people talk about these
things, and there's so many ofthem, and you can just like
(42:34):
Google them of just interestingChristmas traditions and make it
quirky and make it fun, and andmove the goalposts away from the
gift exchange piece of it, andinstead focus on the other ways
that you can make that dayspecial.
And if you can do that, I thinkthat you're gonna go way further
than you think in the memorymaking thing.
(42:57):
So that's what I have for you.
I've already recorded a super, Ithink, full episode to talk
about gift exchange.
And I just want everyone to tokind of experience or just sit
for a moment and think aboutlike what do you really want for
your kids this Christmas?
Do you want them to have aChristmas morning that mirrors a
(43:20):
Hallmark card or whatever, or ora Hallmark movie?
Or do you want them to have theexperience that they were mem
making memories and makingtraditions and they were growing
together?
And if it's that, if you'relooking for that, then you have
to start from a place that isn'tjust how much can I spend and
how much can I wrap?
(43:41):
And if you can do that, you'regonna be way better off.
Okay, that's what I have for youin this episode.
Thank you for joining me.
Thank you for joining those whojoined live.
If you were listening to thislive and maybe you had to leave
and go do bedtime or somethingand came back and finished the
podcast, I'm gonna keep keeptrying to record podcasts live,
but anyway, that's all I got.
(44:04):
That's gift overwhelm.
This has been the Whole ParentPodcast.
Thank you again for listening tothis episode of the Whole Parent
Podcast.
If you are listening to thisright now, yes, you in your car
driving somewhere on a walk withyour kids.
(44:24):
Perhaps your kids are meltingdown and you're listening to
this on your headphones with thenoise cancellation turned on.
Whatever you're doing whileyou're listening, doing the
dishes at night after your kidsgo to bed, I don't know.
That would just be me if I waslistening.
Stop right now.
I have three quick favors to askyou.
I promise they're not gonna takeyou very long.
The first one, very, very easy.
(44:46):
Go in to wherever you'relistening to this podcast and
rate it five stars.
That's one, two, three, four,five stars.
The more five star reviews thatour podcast gets as we
accumulate episodes, the morelikely it is to be pushed out to
more parents who are searchingfor parenting podcasts to solve
their problems.
Whatever you got out of thisepisode, whether it was
something that to try with yourkids, whether it was a new way
(45:07):
to think about parenting, maybethis episode was not
specifically about a problemthat you're having, but you're
somebody in your life who'shaving this problem.
Go in and rate it five stars.
And if you have an additional 30seconds, that first one only
takes you 10 seconds.
If you have an additional 30seconds, just type a few words
for me to read.
I'd love to read, I'd love toread the reviews.
If there's something specificthat's helped you, write it out.
(45:29):
It helps me to know what weshould keep doing here on the
podcast, week in and week out.
The second question that I havefor you, or request that I have
for you, favor, let's call it,is to share this episode with
somebody in your life who youthink could use it.
Uh, it might be a parent,another parent in your kid's
class.
It might be a sibling who hasyoung kids, maybe it's your
kid's teacher or a faith leaderin your life, whomever it is
(45:53):
that you think should have thisepisode of the podcast or any
episode of the podcast, send itdirectly to them.
I know it's vulnerable to sharepodcasts with people who you
might not have that close of arelationship with, or even more
vulnerable if you do have aclose relationship with them.
But I promise you, so many ofthe people who listen to this
podcast listened not becausethey followed me on social
media, but because they got apersonal recommendation from
(46:15):
somebody in their life who said,Hey, this guy has a way of
talking about parenting thatjust works for me.
You don't know if they listen toit or not, they might never
reply, but maybe, just maybe,they'll love the episode so much
that they become your newparenting partner out there in
the world, doing things the sameway that you are, and you might
have just made your newparenting bestie.
(46:35):
The last thing that you can dois definitely the biggest ask
for me, but it is to go over toSubstack.
That link is down below in thebio, and to subscribe so that
these episodes can keep comingto you.
Paid subscriptions on Substackis the only way currently that I
am being funded here on theWhole Parent Podcast.
That is the only money that Ireceive.
It is$5 a month.
(46:56):
I think that this podcast isworth the price of a coffee for
you.
If it's not worth the price of acoffee for you, obviously don't
do it.
But if you're extra cheap likeme, you can just subscribe
annually.
I know that you're gonna listenfor the rest of the year.
If you know that you're gonnalisten for the rest of the year,
just give me 50 bucks up front,and then you don't have to think
about it coming out of yourcredit card every single month.
(47:17):
Those are the ways that you cansupport me.
And as always, I think thatyou're a great parent already.
But I do hope this episode gaveyou something to make you a
little bit better.
Take care.
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