December 25, 2024 • 32 mins
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Merry Christmas... sorta.
The holidays are here, and if you’re anything like me, you’re juggling a million things at once—holiday parties, work deadlines, family traditions, and trying to make everything feel magical for your kids. It’s a lot.
But the truth is, it’s not just the holidays. Everyday life as a parent feels more overwhelming than ever, and that’s exactly what we’re talking about in this special Christmas episode of The Whole Parent Podcast.
I’m sitting down with Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, one of the world’s leading experts on stress and resilience, to talk about why parenting today feels so heavy—and, more importantly, what we can actually do about it.
We dive into simple, science-backed strategies from her book The Five Resets that can help us change the way we experience stress. You’ll learn how to use tools like Stop, Breathe, Be and create digital boundaries that protect your mental health and your sleep.
Dr. Nerurkar has so much wisdom to share, and I can tell you this conversation has already made a difference in my own life. If you want to go into the new year with less stress and more calm—not just during the holidays but every day—this episode is for you.
Links Mentioned:
- Follow Dr. Aditi Nerurkar: @DrAditiNerurkar
- Check out her book The Five Resets
- Subscribe to her Substack: It's Not You It's, Your Stress
Take a deep breath, hit play, and let’s figure this out together.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jon @wholeparent (00:00):
Welcome to this special Christmas episode
of the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
I'm the host.
I remember growing up thisfeeling of palpable excitement.
On Christmas morning I wouldrush downstairs.
The tree would be there thesame way it was the night before
, except somehow totallydifferent filled with presents.
(00:22):
I remember seeing all of thosepackages that weren't there the
night before, those things thatSanta brought.
The stockings were filledSomewhere.
My mom was making coffeeprobably way too loudly in the
kitchen.
We would all get up, We'dgather around and sit in the
living room, a room that webasically never sat in in my
(00:44):
childhood.
There were white couches.
We were basically banned fromthe living room as kids, but on
Christmas morning you wereallowed to be there.
You'd have your spot.
The youngest me would pass outthe gifts.
We would all have our littlemountains of presents and then
we would go around the roomopening them in order, youngest
to oldest.
And what I never realized as akid is how much that whole
(01:05):
experience, that memory,probably cost my parents.
I'm not talking about thefinancials of it, although
that's certainly a consideration.
I'm talking about the stressthat goes into the holidays.
I now realize, as a parent offour kids myself that no matter
how much joy the holidays bring,there is also a level to which
they are just overwhelming.
(01:26):
There is this feeling that youhave to make everything perfect,
a pressure to create thesememories, and then just
exhaustion that comes from doingall of that, juggling all of
these things.
You're going to holiday parties.
You probably are getting backedup at work.
You're not doing the thingsthat you need to do.
It is a lot.
(01:46):
If you're traveling, that's awhole separate thing and it's
easy to think that it's just aholiday thing, that we're
stressed because of the season.
But even when the holidays end,when you go to that last
Christmas party or New Year'sparty or whatever, what you
realize is that the stress doesnot go away.
(02:07):
It's not just for the holidaysthat every day in the life of
most parents is stressful.
For parents, there hasbasically never been a more
stressful, more overwhelmingtime to be an adult.
The demands of work and familycollide with the constant noise
of our modern world, the endlessnotifications, the pressure to
(02:28):
do more, the nagging feelingthat we're never quite doing
enough.
Today, on the Whole ParentPodcast, we are talking about
stress.
We're talking about why lifefeels so heavy for most parents
today and what we can actuallydo to change our brains to have
(02:49):
less stress, to feel lessoverwhelmed.
Our guest, Dr Aditi Narukar, isa leading expert on stress and
resilience.
She has graciously agreed to dothis podcast so that we, as
parents, can understand how ourbrains are wired to respond to
stress and how we can do somesimple, science-backed
strategies that can reset ourbrains when it feels like too
(03:12):
much.
Because, even though theholidays amplify stress for many
of us, they also give us thisinvaluable opportunity to pause
and reflect.
What if we can find ways to gointo 2025, to move through life
with more calm, with morepatience, not just during this
season, but for the entire year?
That's what we're talking abouttoday and if you want to parent
with less stress, stay righthere.
(03:33):
I am so excited today towelcome Dr Aditi Narukar to the
podcast.
I am so excited to have you on.
She is the author of the FiveResets.
She is one of the world'sleading experts on stress and a
parent herself.
Welcome to the podcast.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (03:53):
I am so excited to be here, John.
You know I am such a fan ofyour work and watch almost every
video you do and bring thoseparenting tips into my own life,
so really a pleasure to joinyou today.
Jon @wholeparent (04:07):
Well, it's kind of fun to be on the call
with somebody who, like I, takeyour tips and you take my tips.
It's fun to have an actual, soyou are a follower.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (04:13):
That's fun, I am an ardent follower.
I love how you describe thingsin a really approachable way
with the science and making itvery accessible, which I really
appreciate because that's mylanguage right.
Jon @wholeparent (04:24):
I talk about the stress response a lot as it
relates to parenting.
What is the stress?
Why should parents care aboutstress beyond, just like parents
are stressed out, becauseobviously parents are stressed
out?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (04:35):
Parents are very stressed out and that's
like let's get that out of theway.
A recent study showed that twothirds of parents have
experienced burnout and I thinkthat number is underreported, so
most likely a higher numberthan just 75% of parents.
So there's a lot of reasons whyparents are stressed and burned
out.
One is just because parentingin and of itself is a difficult
(04:57):
endeavor right, it's 24-7.
There's no respite and there'sno time to recover.
It's just you're always on.
But also in this particular eraof the modern world, with many
competing demands on our time,it's just ups the ante.
That much more.
So, not only are we parenting24-7, but we are also expected
(05:20):
to be on the job, working andengaged in our work 24-7.
And because of the informationoverload and the sense of
hyper-connectedness that we asadults are engaging with and
unfortunately, some kids as well, right, like with increased
screen time that has a directinfluence on our brain, on our
neural pathways and our stressresponse.
(05:41):
So not only are we engaging ona day-to-day level, with a lot
of stress being a stressful job,you know, the greatest job
you'll ever love being a parent.
However, there's externalfactors as well, and then also
the lack of social support thatmany parents are feeling.
We know that loneliness is amajor issue and back in the day
(06:04):
there was a lot of socialstructure and infrastructure
built into parenting.
Jon @wholeparent (06:08):
Oh yeah.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (06:09):
An entire tribe would parent together.
And now you know, we know thatit takes a village, but really
cultivating that village takestime for many people and often
there isn't a village, and sowe're really relying on our
nuclear family to do the work ofparenting, when it is really a
job of community.
So so many reasons.
What can we do to manage ourstress, to reset our brains and
(06:33):
our bodies?
We can use some of thestrategies that I offer on an
individual basis, while alsovery much remembering that these
are societal phenomenon.
Jon @wholeparent (06:42):
Right, and I think that that's such a
compelling point to just to takethe pressure a little bit off
of parents of being like it isnot your fault that you're
stressed, right?
So if parents are more stressedout than they've ever been,
what can we actually do?
First of all, what are the fiveresets?
For anybody who hasn't read thebook, that needs to read the
book, and I'm going to link inthe show notes.
But what are some practicalstrategies that parents can
actually do that can actuallybenefit them even though stress
(07:06):
isn't their fault?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (07:08):
So of course , like you said, john, it's not
your fault If 75% of people arefacing a sense of stress and
burnout.
Parents, of course you are notthe exception, you're the rule.
If you feel a sense of stressand burnout and you are not
alone, it is not your fault.
It's like saying, in a room of30 parents, 21 parents are
struggling with stress andburnout and you are not alone,
it is not your fault.
It's like saying, in a room of30 parents, 21 parents are
struggling with stress andburnout.
(07:29):
And so, as you first normalizeand validate this difficult
experience of parenting, that'sreally important when we are
working in a clinical setting,as a doctor, the first thing you
want to do is, of course, whensomeone comes in the patient
comes in with a difficultexperience is to normalize and
validate that difficultexperience.
It automatically makes you feelless alone and there is
(07:51):
something we call in medicine,it's called the group effect.
So that is really important tomake sure that people feel
supported and there is thatsense of normalizing and
validating this difficultexperience of parenting in this
moment in time.
And so when you're thinkingabout the resets and the premise
(08:13):
of the resets is this idea ofneuroplasticity Fancy scientific
word simply means that yourbrain is a muscle and your brain
can change based on stimuli.
So when you're feeling a senseof stress, instead of saying
okay, well, this is just how itis and I have to live with this
for the next 18 years until mychild goes to college, Instead
(08:33):
you can do certain things inyour day to day to actually
change your brain and actuallydial down that stress response,
to help you feel better in themoment and so that's really what
the five resets is about.
Jon @wholeparent (08:46):
So the five resets, just briefly.
Can you summarize what are thefive resets?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (08:52):
I would say, you know, let's talk about the
titles, right?
So?
The first is get clear on whatmatters most.
Jon @wholeparent (08:58):
Okay.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (08:59):
The second is find quiet in a noisy world.
Then, third reset, sink yourbrain to your body.
The fourth is come up for air.
And the fifth is bring yourbest self forward.
And so in each of these theseare kind of like frameworks of
how to think about stress andburnout.
And so it's a roadmap.
(09:19):
And so do you have to go throughreset, one through five?
Of course not.
You can start wherever you want.
But that's just the way I'velaid it out.
Because with the first reset,when you think about what
matters to you most, when you'refeeling a sense of stress and
you are very much in your ownway not because of you, it's not
your fault, it's your biology.
Of course it's hard to see thefuture.
And so this first reset getsyou out of that fight or flight,
(09:42):
immediate need for survival,amygdala activated mode, back to
that prefrontal cortex.
Instead of asking yourself youknow, what's the matter with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I feel horrible or I acted acertain way?
Instead of asking what is thematter with me, instead you
reframe that question and saywhat matters most to me.
Jon @wholeparent (10:10):
What matters most to me in this moment,
rather than what is the matterwith me.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (10:15):
I love that it just really removes that
blame and you start looking atit through the lens of
self-compassion like, oh, whatmatters most to me rather than
what's the matter with me, thereason you do the whole internal
monologue and inner therelationship thing, the marriage
thing, from the perspective ofI am going to shame myself into
progress.
Jon @wholeparent (11:00):
And it doesn't work because the part of your
brain that can actually learn isshut down when we do that.
And I feel like that is suchjust that first reset.
What matters to me most.
I mean my initial draft of myintroduction for the book, which
didn't wind up being this butwas not how do you want a parent
(11:23):
to get your kid to 18, but howdo you want a parent to get your
kid to 38?
So, like you may care that yourkid goes to Harvard, where you
work, or Yale, where my lastguest, mark bracket, works, like
you might parent in such a wayto like get them to those 18
year old goals.
But, as you've pointed out, asMark pointed out in the last
episode, the, that that's notthe, that's not the end of the
(11:50):
finish line.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (11:51):
That's not the real finish line here.
I feel like that is really thebig question, because you know,
when you're feeling a sense ofstress and burnout, like we've
already talked about, it's hardto see the forest from the trees
.
You don't really know whenyou're on the journey how far
you've come, and so, even if youhave made great progress with
your stress and burnout, youneed something measurable for
(12:12):
you to say to yourself oh wow,yeah, I really have done great.
Because of that inner criticthat is always berating you and
really that voice.
How do you combat that voice?
How do you say wait, wait, wait, hold on.
In fact, I'm doing kind ofawesome with my stress and
burnout and this is why and soit's a way to reframe that
conversation, that internalmonologue as well- so parents
(12:34):
are stressed out.
Jon @wholeparent (12:35):
It's not our fault.
We get that, but how do we getless stressed?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (12:40):
So if you think about how do you change
your brain, just breaking itdown whether it means like
choosing a different food, orI'm going to start exercising
and I never did, or I'm going tostop yelling at my children, or
whatever it is that you want todo I want to go to bed earlier
the way you change your brainhabits like how does it, how do
you form habits?
First, it takes eight weeks tobuild a habit and falling off as
(13:01):
part of habit formation.
But really, when you thinkabout your brain and
neuroplasticity, you think oflike a dirt road, and that's
when you start something new andyou're not sure if it's going
to work.
It's a dirt road but if you doa little bit every day, that
dirt road becomes a one lanehighway and then a paved road
and then a two lane highway andbefore you know it it's four
(13:22):
lanes on both sides and a superhighway.
Jon @wholeparent (13:25):
And so it takes time.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (13:26):
It takes time, but that's how your brain
actually works.
In that it's.
These are called neuralcircuits and that's how they
form right.
It's like one little circuit,because you do one behavior,
maybe once a week, and then, ifyou start doing the same thing
every day, that circuit justgets strengthened and
strengthened and becomescemented, and then it's just who
you are, it's just what you do.
Jon @wholeparent (13:48):
Right, and man , this is so, this is so
powerful.
So we're probably not going toget to the other four resets,
but I want to.
I want to save time here in amoment to say, okay, what are,
like, the three actionablethings that parents can do,
whether that's stop breathe be,that's from the book whether
that's intentional breathing youknow, vagal breathing, what,
like any of that stuff, whatever, whatever your three are, but
I'm going to give you, I'm goingto give you I like your your
(14:09):
highway metaphor.
I'm going to raise you mymetaphor that I use in the book
and you tell me if this, if I'mgetting this right, or if I need
to really quickly hang up thiscall and call my publisher and
tell them that we need to throwit away.
Um, so the metaphor that I usefor for exactly the process that
you're talking about, is pavinga new road, the very similar to
what you offer, but I say it'spaving a new road through a
(14:31):
forest.
So actually, the first step isyou don't even have a dirt road,
you have a forest, and anybodywho's tried to walk off trail in
a forest knows that literallyevery single step, you either
have a machete or you're you'reripped up Like you're going to
get cut up if you're not wearingthe right shoes.
(14:51):
That's therapy?
Um, you're, you're not going toget through it, right?
And but the first time that youwalk through that that trail,
even just the first time, if yougo back to the beginning of it
and look, you can tell where youstepped off.
But if you don't step off againfor three weeks, you won't be
(15:12):
able to.
Now, if you walk down that pathagain later that day, it's
going to be a little bit moreentrenched.
You walk down that path 500,000times and all of a sudden, that
is the trail.
And you look back to that trailthat you used to walk, that was
yelling at your kids, that wasunhealthy dietary habits, that
(15:33):
was not getting enough sleepbecause this is another thing
from the book you stay upscrolling your phone instead of
actually laying down and yourealize that, in an amazing way,
there are not even two trailsanymore, that, in an amazing way
, there are not even two trailsanymore.
There is only one trail.
It's just the new trail thatactually, through neural pruning
(15:54):
, not only do we get to buildnew highways, as you say, but we
actually get to remove oldhighways, and that it actually
becomes easier, not in a oh well, it's easier because I learned
how but in a actually, yourbrain.
It is easier for you to do thething that you are intentionally
doing Respond rather than react.
So does this metaphor am I, amI getting that right?
Do you feel like that fits?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (16:15):
with your framework?
Very much so, and you know likeyou say.
Yes, I think very much so.
It fits exactly with what weknow about how the brain works,
and that is why.
So, something like exercise.
(16:36):
You know, if you talk to peoplewho never exercise, it's very
difficult to exercise right,like to go from a person who is
a lifelong non-exerciser or asedentary person to exercise
that like initial moment.
Jon @wholeparent (16:41):
That was a really nice way of saying that A
lifelong non-exerciser.
Yeah, I've had so many patients, that's a really kind way of
being like the person who nevergets off their couch.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (16:49):
Yeah, I mean , or there's people who just
that's me, that's me, that's me.
And then you have people whoexercise every day.
Jon @wholeparent (16:57):
Right.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (16:58):
And you know , we're all just people.
How did that happen?
It's because your brain changes, so your prefrontal cortex gets
thicker, and so then whenyou're exercising, it just, it's
just easier to make thatdecision.
There's no decision fatigue oflike should I go, should I not
go?
Then there's a ripple effect.
When you start exercising,guess what?
Your cravings, your foodcravings, change because of your
(17:18):
prefrontal cortex, because it'sgotten thicker.
So instead of eating the entiremaybe you know, I'm chocolate
cake, like I love it so much,that's your thing.
That's my thing.
But instead of eating the wholecake, I will only eat a piece
of the cake, because I've beenexercising every day, because
your brain has my brain haschanged, so it all kind of adds
together and it's not just onething, but then it causes a
(17:41):
cascade for another thing, andanother thing, and another thing
.
So that first step is often themost difficult, as we know.
It's just a matter of physics,right To get that first thing
moving move it right.
But once it's in motion, itjust can stay in motion.
Jon @wholeparent (17:56):
Well, and I think that that's like, that's
where the like okay, I'm goingto go off on this dirt road
right on this time, like you areon a highway, like when you're
get, when you try and build that, to use your metaphor, like
when you try and build that newneural pathway, the new dirt
road, it's not just that you'reyou're choosing to walk down the
(18:17):
hard road, it's that there isanother road and it's available
to you and it looks, it's, it'sthere's a whole chocolate cake
at the other end and it's.
It's like it's not anunappealing thing.
And especially in in a worldwhere we're constantly burned
out and stressed out, the ideaof like bypassing our
(18:38):
established neural pathwaysfeels, when we're constantly in
survival mode, really hard.
But we can, and I thinkprobably the easiest, some of
the easiest ways, some of themost effective tools, are some
of the resets that you provide,some of the I shouldn't say the
resets some of the actionable,evidence-based practices that
then lead to those long-termresets that can rewire your
(19:01):
brain.
So if you, if you had to givesome practical okay, parents are
listening to this, they're likestep one call to action.
How can we do it?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (19:09):
First and foremost, John, everything I
recommend is practical because,as a doctor, I've had so many
patients who everyone has a fulllife, Everyone's busy, and me,
as a working mother, you knowlike everyone is just strapped
for time and energy, and so ithas to be practical and easier.
You won't do it.
So the first thing is you try.
(19:29):
You know, one thing I love,which is which was my gateway
into this whole world of mind,body, medicine and stress
management, was stop breathe, be.
Everyone has three seconds andthis is a three second brain
reset, and so in that moment ofchaos we have all been there as
parents you can stop breathe andbe.
(19:51):
The instructions are in thename, and when you stop breathe
and be, what you're doing isthat you are getting out of that
what-if?
Anxious thinking, which is aboutthe future.
Anxiety is a future focusedemotion.
You're thinking about what ifthis happens and what if that
happens, and it gets you back inthe here and the now.
What is so it's away from whatif?
(20:12):
Thinking back to what is stopbreathe, be.
You can use that anytime,anywhere.
Jon @wholeparent (20:18):
So stop breathe be.
That is step one and I rememberthis part of the book.
When you get to this part ofthe book, it is absolutely
profound when you talk aboutputting your hand on the door
handle, of going into theserooms where you have patients
and being like, ok, I am goingto stop breathe be.
I definitely use Stop BreatheBe, if not daily, at least every
two or three days, when I knowI am not in the place to parent
(20:41):
in the way in which I want toparent in that moment.
What's another one that we canuse right away?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (20:47):
Another one I love, which I use in my
everyday life, particularly atnight.
Like you said, at night, whenyou're scrolling, it's grayscale
.
So it's a way to create adigital boundary.
We have boundaries in everyaspect and every relationship in
our lives with our spouses, ourkids, our colleagues Yet we
have no boundaries when it comesto your digital devices, and so
(21:08):
creating a digital boundary isimportant because, like we
talked about at the beginning ofthis conversation, your brain
needs rest and recovery, and ifyou are constantly on the go as
a parent and then during yourdowntime you're scrolling,
Scrolling has an immediateeffect on your brain.
It actually revs up your stressresponse, your amygdala because
you know clickbait works on thebiology of stress and your
(21:31):
amygdala doesn't know thedifference between things
happening thousands of milesaway or things happening in your
backyard.
It's the same response.
It's like a light switch.
Jon @wholeparent (21:39):
And so good, so good.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (21:42):
Yeah.
So how do you?
So one thing that I do is umfirst, we all do it.
It's called revenge, bedtimeprocrastination, very common
amongst parents.
And so at the end of the day,it's eight or nine o'clock at
night.
You finally get that momentyour kids are asleep, the
kitchen is cleaned, everyone'shad dinner, baths, you sit down,
perhaps maybe for the firsttime all day.
(22:03):
Do you claim that time is yourown and you start scrolling.
You have every intention ofgoing to bed at 10 o'clock at
night Every intention and beforeyou know it it's midnight.
What happened?
What happened is that yourbrain just took over the
amygdala and you startedscrolling.
When you're feeling a sense ofstress, you're scanning for
danger.
Your amygdala starts scanninglike tribes people.
(22:23):
Back in the day we had nightwatchmen scrolling at night
while the tribe slept, and nowwe are our own night watchmen.
So we scroll and scroll andscroll.
We see something that looksinteresting or dangerous or
curious.
We go down that rabbit hole andbefore you know it, it's
midnight and you have shirked onyour sleep and you know again.
This is not a knowledge thing.
(22:45):
We all know that going to bedearly is important.
It's good for our brain and ourbody.
We tell our children to havestrict bedtimes and yet we are
so lax with ourselves.
It's about parenting ourselvesa little bit better.
Absolutely so, grayscale.
Jon @wholeparent (22:58):
Grayscale, grayscale.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (23:04):
All you do is you set your phone to
grayscale.
Every phone is a little bit ofa different way to do it and
when you click your phone tograyscale, it switches
everything to black and whitemode.
And so scrolling becomes lessinteresting for your brain.
It's less stimulating for yourbrain, so you can scroll, you'll
read headlines and within like30 minutes you're bored because
it doesn't have the stimulatingcolors.
It'll decrease your screen timeand get you to bed earlier, so
(23:24):
that is what I love that.
Jon @wholeparent (23:26):
And you're saying switch your phone to
grayscale at the prescribedtimes.
You're saying just have a phone.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (23:33):
So I usually don't have my phone in
grayscale all day, simplybecause you need a little bit of
color.
In fact, if you're like doingan Amazon purchase, it's hard to
actually see when you have iton black and white.
I've tried lots of differentthings.
So I keep it usually ongrayscale when I am at night,
when I'm scrolling and when Iget to bed or when I'm focused
(23:54):
on a task at work and I don'twant to have a distraction of my
phone.
Jon @wholeparent (23:58):
I love that.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (23:58):
Switching it onto grayscale and then I also
keep my phone off my nightstand,so creating a digital boundary.
So it's not the last thing I dowhen I go to bed, it's not the
first thing I check in themorning just a little bit of a
buffer for your brain and giving.
So that's like the second kindof non-negotiable and then, tied
to that, the thirdnon-negotiable is that I really
(24:19):
do try and I would recommendthis to all parents is to
protect your sleep like thevital resource it is.
Of course, we know, based ondata, that your sleep only after
your final child.
It takes six years after yourlast kid to finally get into a
decent sleep pattern.
We know that based on the data,but in fact I mean your kids
(24:40):
can be older and getting up.
You know that's not like a hardand fast rule.
We know that sleep is notsomething that parents get
readily because for all thereasons that we already know,
but really trying to prioritizeyour sleep.
So when you do the gray scale,what will often happen is that
you'll get to bed earlier andthen you actually will get the
(25:00):
sleep that you need, becausewhen you are sleeping, when
you're shortchanging your brainwith sleep, there is a link
between sleep and stress.
So when you sleep less, yourbrain, in fact the amygdala, is
more reactive, your cortisol,the stress hormone, is higher,
and so you might be moreirritable the next day.
It might influence your work.
(25:20):
The ripple effect is vast withthe sleep stress cycle.
So it will likely affect yourparenting, your emotional
reactivity.
It might affect emotionaleating.
It certainly affects yourwillpower to exercise or
motivation to do things or cleanthe house, et cetera, because
you are so sleep deprived.
Now we've all been there asparents, and especially in the
(25:41):
newborn years, toddler years.
But even then, if you canprotect your sleep and really
think about sleep like atherapeutic intervention, it's
not a waste of time.
It is truly, deeply therapeutic.
It is in fact so important foryour brain because sleep is when
everything happens in your body, in your brain.
(26:01):
It's like a dishwasher for yourbrain.
Jon @wholeparent (26:04):
Yeah, yeah, no , literally cleaning out the
neurotoxins.
I try it.
This is something that I tellto my.
My eight year old is that he's.
I don't want to go to sleep andI'm just like, yeah, but your
brain's so dirty, man.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (26:15):
That's so good to clean it.
Jon @wholeparent (26:16):
We got to clean it out.
But yeah, I, you know this hasbeen such a helpful conversation
.
Just to summarize, you know, Ithink what we all need to
appreciate is, number one, thatstress is normal.
Number two, that most of thestress that we're feeling in the
modern 21st century ismaladaptive and not adaptive.
That those places where stressis adaptive, you know, hey, if
(26:40):
you're a little stressed outbecause, like your doctor has
said for the last five years, togo get a colonoscopy, go get a
colonoscopy.
But if you're constantlystressed about things that are
happening, if not hundreds ofmiles away, thousands of miles
away from you, constantly likethis is not helping you.
Number three the way toactually change that is to build
these new neural pathwaysthrough stop, breathe, be.
(27:02):
And these are just the firstthree.
You said how many in the book?
Fifteen.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (27:05):
Fifteen.
Jon @wholeparent (27:06):
So these are just the first three.
Well, they're not the firstthree, but they are three.
Stop breathe, be number one.
Getting more sleep, number two,and the way that you can do
that is having some.
I like to call those.
You said it was a digitalboundary.
It's a physical boundary too.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (27:19):
Yeah, geographical boundary.
Jon @wholeparent (27:21):
I got to physically get away from this
thing, and so if it means thatyou watch fewer whole parent
books, uh, please watch or not,books.
Fewer whole parent videos,please watch.
Fewer whole parent videos.
Uh, in fact.
Uh, Dr Aditi, can we justprescribe no whole parent videos
after midnight?
Um, and if you are, then theyhave to be in gray scale, which
will be very weird looking, Um.
(27:41):
But thank you so much.
How can we connect with you?
How can we, other than just,you know, buying the book?
Obviously you read the book forthe audio version.
I'll make sure that I link thatas well.
But how else can we connectwith you?
What future projects do we have?
Do we have an email list?
How can we get more as parentsto actually change our brains as
parents, to?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (28:00):
actually change our brains.
So you can follow me on socialmedia across platforms at Dr
Aditi Narukar, atD-R-A-D-I-T-I-N-E-R-U-R-K-A-R.
You can check out my website,5resetscom or draditicom, and a
newsletter on Substack calledit's Not you, it's your Stress
(28:22):
and all of that is linked in mybio on Instagram.
Jon @wholeparent (28:25):
Awesome.
Dr Aditi Narukar, thank you somuch for being on the Whole
Parent Podcast and all of yourtime that you've given us your
amazing book.
You're awesome.
Final word.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (28:36):
Thank you and parents, I am with you in
solidarity on this adventure ofa lifetime.
Thank you, John.
Welcome to this special Christmas episode
of the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
I'm the host.
I remember growing up thisfeeling of palpable excitement.
On Christmas morning I wouldrush downstairs.
The tree would be there thesame way it was the night before
, except somehow totallydifferent filled with presents.
(00:22):
I remember seeing all of thosepackages that weren't there the
night before, those things thatSanta brought.
The stockings were filledSomewhere.
My mom was making coffeeprobably way too loudly in the
kitchen.
We would all get up, We'dgather around and sit in the
living room, a room that webasically never sat in in my
(00:44):
childhood.
There were white couches.
We were basically banned fromthe living room as kids, but on
Christmas morning you wereallowed to be there.
You'd have your spot.
The youngest me would pass outthe gifts.
We would all have our littlemountains of presents and then
we would go around the roomopening them in order, youngest
to oldest.
And what I never realized as akid is how much that whole
(01:05):
experience, that memory,probably cost my parents.
I'm not talking about thefinancials of it, although
that's certainly a consideration.
I'm talking about the stressthat goes into the holidays.
I now realize, as a parent offour kids myself that no matter
how much joy the holidays bring,there is also a level to which
they are just overwhelming.
(01:26):
There is this feeling that youhave to make everything perfect,
a pressure to create thesememories, and then just
exhaustion that comes from doingall of that, juggling all of
these things.
You're going to holiday parties.
You probably are getting backedup at work.
You're not doing the thingsthat you need to do.
It is a lot.
(01:46):
If you're traveling, that's awhole separate thing and it's
easy to think that it's just aholiday thing, that we're
stressed because of the season.
But even when the holidays end,when you go to that last
Christmas party or New Year'sparty or whatever, what you
realize is that the stress doesnot go away.
(02:07):
It's not just for the holidaysthat every day in the life of
most parents is stressful.
For parents, there hasbasically never been a more
stressful, more overwhelmingtime to be an adult.
The demands of work and familycollide with the constant noise
of our modern world, the endlessnotifications, the pressure to
(02:28):
do more, the nagging feelingthat we're never quite doing
enough.
Today, on the Whole ParentPodcast, we are talking about
stress.
We're talking about why lifefeels so heavy for most parents
today and what we can actuallydo to change our brains to have
(02:49):
less stress, to feel lessoverwhelmed.
Our guest, Dr Aditi Narukar, isa leading expert on stress and
resilience.
She has graciously agreed to dothis podcast so that we, as
parents, can understand how ourbrains are wired to respond to
stress and how we can do somesimple, science-backed
strategies that can reset ourbrains when it feels like too
(03:12):
much.
Because, even though theholidays amplify stress for many
of us, they also give us thisinvaluable opportunity to pause
and reflect.
What if we can find ways to gointo 2025, to move through life
with more calm, with morepatience, not just during this
season, but for the entire year?
That's what we're talking abouttoday and if you want to parent
with less stress, stay righthere.
(03:33):
I am so excited today towelcome Dr Aditi Narukar to the
podcast.
I am so excited to have you on.
She is the author of the FiveResets.
She is one of the world'sleading experts on stress and a
parent herself.
Welcome to the podcast.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (03:53):
I am so excited to be here, John.
You know I am such a fan ofyour work and watch almost every
video you do and bring thoseparenting tips into my own life,
so really a pleasure to joinyou today.
Jon @wholeparent (04:07):
Well, it's kind of fun to be on the call
with somebody who, like I, takeyour tips and you take my tips.
It's fun to have an actual, soyou are a follower.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (04:13):
That's fun, I am an ardent follower.
I love how you describe thingsin a really approachable way
with the science and making itvery accessible, which I really
appreciate because that's mylanguage right.
Jon @wholeparent (04:24):
I talk about the stress response a lot as it
relates to parenting.
What is the stress?
Why should parents care aboutstress beyond, just like parents
are stressed out, becauseobviously parents are stressed
out?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (04:35):
Parents are very stressed out and that's
like let's get that out of theway.
A recent study showed that twothirds of parents have
experienced burnout and I thinkthat number is underreported, so
most likely a higher numberthan just 75% of parents.
So there's a lot of reasons whyparents are stressed and burned
out.
One is just because parentingin and of itself is a difficult
(04:57):
endeavor right, it's 24-7.
There's no respite and there'sno time to recover.
It's just you're always on.
But also in this particular eraof the modern world, with many
competing demands on our time,it's just ups the ante.
That much more.
So, not only are we parenting24-7, but we are also expected
(05:20):
to be on the job, working andengaged in our work 24-7.
And because of the informationoverload and the sense of
hyper-connectedness that we asadults are engaging with and
unfortunately, some kids as well, right, like with increased
screen time that has a directinfluence on our brain, on our
neural pathways and our stressresponse.
(05:41):
So not only are we engaging ona day-to-day level, with a lot
of stress being a stressful job,you know, the greatest job
you'll ever love being a parent.
However, there's externalfactors as well, and then also
the lack of social support thatmany parents are feeling.
We know that loneliness is amajor issue and back in the day
(06:04):
there was a lot of socialstructure and infrastructure
built into parenting.
Jon @wholeparent (06:08):
Oh yeah.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (06:09):
An entire tribe would parent together.
And now you know, we know thatit takes a village, but really
cultivating that village takestime for many people and often
there isn't a village, and sowe're really relying on our
nuclear family to do the work ofparenting, when it is really a
job of community.
So so many reasons.
What can we do to manage ourstress, to reset our brains and
(06:33):
our bodies?
We can use some of thestrategies that I offer on an
individual basis, while alsovery much remembering that these
are societal phenomenon.
Jon @wholeparent (06:42):
Right, and I think that that's such a
compelling point to just to takethe pressure a little bit off
of parents of being like it isnot your fault that you're
stressed, right?
So if parents are more stressedout than they've ever been,
what can we actually do?
First of all, what are the fiveresets?
For anybody who hasn't read thebook, that needs to read the
book, and I'm going to link inthe show notes.
But what are some practicalstrategies that parents can
actually do that can actuallybenefit them even though stress
(07:06):
isn't their fault?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (07:08):
So of course , like you said, john, it's not
your fault If 75% of people arefacing a sense of stress and
burnout.
Parents, of course you are notthe exception, you're the rule.
If you feel a sense of stressand burnout and you are not
alone, it is not your fault.
It's like saying, in a room of30 parents, 21 parents are
struggling with stress andburnout and you are not alone,
it is not your fault.
It's like saying, in a room of30 parents, 21 parents are
struggling with stress andburnout.
(07:29):
And so, as you first normalizeand validate this difficult
experience of parenting, that'sreally important when we are
working in a clinical setting,as a doctor, the first thing you
want to do is, of course, whensomeone comes in the patient
comes in with a difficultexperience is to normalize and
validate that difficultexperience.
It automatically makes you feelless alone and there is
(07:51):
something we call in medicine,it's called the group effect.
So that is really important tomake sure that people feel
supported and there is thatsense of normalizing and
validating this difficultexperience of parenting in this
moment in time.
And so when you're thinkingabout the resets and the premise
(08:13):
of the resets is this idea ofneuroplasticity Fancy scientific
word simply means that yourbrain is a muscle and your brain
can change based on stimuli.
So when you're feeling a senseof stress, instead of saying
okay, well, this is just how itis and I have to live with this
for the next 18 years until mychild goes to college, Instead
(08:33):
you can do certain things inyour day to day to actually
change your brain and actuallydial down that stress response,
to help you feel better in themoment and so that's really what
the five resets is about.
Jon @wholeparent (08:46):
So the five resets, just briefly.
Can you summarize what are thefive resets?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (08:52):
I would say, you know, let's talk about the
titles, right?
So?
The first is get clear on whatmatters most.
Jon @wholeparent (08:58):
Okay.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (08:59):
The second is find quiet in a noisy world.
Then, third reset, sink yourbrain to your body.
The fourth is come up for air.
And the fifth is bring yourbest self forward.
And so in each of these theseare kind of like frameworks of
how to think about stress andburnout.
And so it's a roadmap.
(09:19):
And so do you have to go throughreset, one through five?
Of course not.
You can start wherever you want.
But that's just the way I'velaid it out.
Because with the first reset,when you think about what
matters to you most, when you'refeeling a sense of stress and
you are very much in your ownway not because of you, it's not
your fault, it's your biology.
Of course it's hard to see thefuture.
And so this first reset getsyou out of that fight or flight,
(09:42):
immediate need for survival,amygdala activated mode, back to
that prefrontal cortex.
Instead of asking yourself youknow, what's the matter with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I feel horrible or I acted acertain way?
Instead of asking what is thematter with me, instead you
reframe that question and saywhat matters most to me.
Jon @wholeparent (10:10):
What matters most to me in this moment,
rather than what is the matterwith me.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (10:15):
I love that it just really removes that
blame and you start looking atit through the lens of
self-compassion like, oh, whatmatters most to me rather than
what's the matter with me, thereason you do the whole internal
monologue and inner therelationship thing, the marriage
thing, from the perspective ofI am going to shame myself into
progress.
Jon @wholeparent (11:00):
And it doesn't work because the part of your
brain that can actually learn isshut down when we do that.
And I feel like that is suchjust that first reset.
What matters to me most.
I mean my initial draft of myintroduction for the book, which
didn't wind up being this butwas not how do you want a parent
(11:23):
to get your kid to 18, but howdo you want a parent to get your
kid to 38?
So, like you may care that yourkid goes to Harvard, where you
work, or Yale, where my lastguest, mark bracket, works, like
you might parent in such a wayto like get them to those 18
year old goals.
But, as you've pointed out, asMark pointed out in the last
episode, the, that that's notthe, that's not the end of the
(11:50):
finish line.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (11:51):
That's not the real finish line here.
I feel like that is really thebig question, because you know,
when you're feeling a sense ofstress and burnout, like we've
already talked about, it's hardto see the forest from the trees
.
You don't really know whenyou're on the journey how far
you've come, and so, even if youhave made great progress with
your stress and burnout, youneed something measurable for
(12:12):
you to say to yourself oh wow,yeah, I really have done great.
Because of that inner criticthat is always berating you and
really that voice.
How do you combat that voice?
How do you say wait, wait, wait, hold on.
In fact, I'm doing kind ofawesome with my stress and
burnout and this is why and soit's a way to reframe that
conversation, that internalmonologue as well- so parents
(12:34):
are stressed out.
Jon @wholeparent (12:35):
It's not our fault.
We get that, but how do we getless stressed?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (12:40):
So if you think about how do you change
your brain, just breaking itdown whether it means like
choosing a different food, orI'm going to start exercising
and I never did, or I'm going tostop yelling at my children, or
whatever it is that you want todo I want to go to bed earlier
the way you change your brainhabits like how does it, how do
you form habits?
First, it takes eight weeks tobuild a habit and falling off as
(13:01):
part of habit formation.
But really, when you thinkabout your brain and
neuroplasticity, you think oflike a dirt road, and that's
when you start something new andyou're not sure if it's going
to work.
It's a dirt road but if you doa little bit every day, that
dirt road becomes a one lanehighway and then a paved road
and then a two lane highway andbefore you know it it's four
(13:22):
lanes on both sides and a superhighway.
Jon @wholeparent (13:25):
And so it takes time.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (13:26):
It takes time, but that's how your brain
actually works.
In that it's.
These are called neuralcircuits and that's how they
form right.
It's like one little circuit,because you do one behavior,
maybe once a week, and then, ifyou start doing the same thing
every day, that circuit justgets strengthened and
strengthened and becomescemented, and then it's just who
you are, it's just what you do.
Jon @wholeparent (13:48):
Right, and man , this is so, this is so
powerful.
So we're probably not going toget to the other four resets,
but I want to.
I want to save time here in amoment to say, okay, what are,
like, the three actionablethings that parents can do,
whether that's stop breathe be,that's from the book whether
that's intentional breathing youknow, vagal breathing, what,
like any of that stuff, whatever, whatever your three are, but
I'm going to give you, I'm goingto give you I like your your
(14:09):
highway metaphor.
I'm going to raise you mymetaphor that I use in the book
and you tell me if this, if I'mgetting this right, or if I need
to really quickly hang up thiscall and call my publisher and
tell them that we need to throwit away.
Um, so the metaphor that I usefor for exactly the process that
you're talking about, is pavinga new road, the very similar to
what you offer, but I say it'spaving a new road through a
(14:31):
forest.
So actually, the first step isyou don't even have a dirt road,
you have a forest, and anybodywho's tried to walk off trail in
a forest knows that literallyevery single step, you either
have a machete or you're you'reripped up Like you're going to
get cut up if you're not wearingthe right shoes.
(14:51):
That's therapy?
Um, you're, you're not going toget through it, right?
And but the first time that youwalk through that that trail,
even just the first time, if yougo back to the beginning of it
and look, you can tell where youstepped off.
But if you don't step off againfor three weeks, you won't be
(15:12):
able to.
Now, if you walk down that pathagain later that day, it's
going to be a little bit moreentrenched.
You walk down that path 500,000times and all of a sudden, that
is the trail.
And you look back to that trailthat you used to walk, that was
yelling at your kids, that wasunhealthy dietary habits, that
(15:33):
was not getting enough sleepbecause this is another thing
from the book you stay upscrolling your phone instead of
actually laying down and yourealize that, in an amazing way,
there are not even two trailsanymore, that, in an amazing way
, there are not even two trailsanymore.
There is only one trail.
It's just the new trail thatactually, through neural pruning
(15:54):
, not only do we get to buildnew highways, as you say, but we
actually get to remove oldhighways, and that it actually
becomes easier, not in a oh well, it's easier because I learned
how but in a actually, yourbrain.
It is easier for you to do thething that you are intentionally
doing Respond rather than react.
So does this metaphor am I, amI getting that right?
Do you feel like that fits?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (16:15):
with your framework?
Very much so, and you know likeyou say.
Yes, I think very much so.
It fits exactly with what weknow about how the brain works,
and that is why.
So, something like exercise.
(16:36):
You know, if you talk to peoplewho never exercise, it's very
difficult to exercise right,like to go from a person who is
a lifelong non-exerciser or asedentary person to exercise
that like initial moment.
Jon @wholeparent (16:41):
That was a really nice way of saying that A
lifelong non-exerciser.
Yeah, I've had so many patients, that's a really kind way of
being like the person who nevergets off their couch.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (16:49):
Yeah, I mean , or there's people who just
that's me, that's me, that's me.
And then you have people whoexercise every day.
Jon @wholeparent (16:57):
Right.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (16:58):
And you know , we're all just people.
How did that happen?
It's because your brain changes, so your prefrontal cortex gets
thicker, and so then whenyou're exercising, it just, it's
just easier to make thatdecision.
There's no decision fatigue oflike should I go, should I not
go?
Then there's a ripple effect.
When you start exercising,guess what?
Your cravings, your foodcravings, change because of your
(17:18):
prefrontal cortex, because it'sgotten thicker.
So instead of eating the entiremaybe you know, I'm chocolate
cake, like I love it so much,that's your thing.
That's my thing.
But instead of eating the wholecake, I will only eat a piece
of the cake, because I've beenexercising every day, because
your brain has my brain haschanged, so it all kind of adds
together and it's not just onething, but then it causes a
(17:41):
cascade for another thing, andanother thing, and another thing
.
So that first step is often themost difficult, as we know.
It's just a matter of physics,right To get that first thing
moving move it right.
But once it's in motion, itjust can stay in motion.
Jon @wholeparent (17:56):
Well, and I think that that's like, that's
where the like okay, I'm goingto go off on this dirt road
right on this time, like you areon a highway, like when you're
get, when you try and build that, to use your metaphor, like
when you try and build that newneural pathway, the new dirt
road, it's not just that you'reyou're choosing to walk down the
(18:17):
hard road, it's that there isanother road and it's available
to you and it looks, it's, it'sthere's a whole chocolate cake
at the other end and it's.
It's like it's not anunappealing thing.
And especially in in a worldwhere we're constantly burned
out and stressed out, the ideaof like bypassing our
(18:38):
established neural pathwaysfeels, when we're constantly in
survival mode, really hard.
But we can, and I thinkprobably the easiest, some of
the easiest ways, some of themost effective tools, are some
of the resets that you provide,some of the I shouldn't say the
resets some of the actionable,evidence-based practices that
then lead to those long-termresets that can rewire your
(19:01):
brain.
So if you, if you had to givesome practical okay, parents are
listening to this, they're likestep one call to action.
How can we do it?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (19:09):
First and foremost, John, everything I
recommend is practical because,as a doctor, I've had so many
patients who everyone has a fulllife, Everyone's busy, and me,
as a working mother, you knowlike everyone is just strapped
for time and energy, and so ithas to be practical and easier.
You won't do it.
So the first thing is you try.
(19:29):
You know, one thing I love,which is which was my gateway
into this whole world of mind,body, medicine and stress
management, was stop breathe, be.
Everyone has three seconds andthis is a three second brain
reset, and so in that moment ofchaos we have all been there as
parents you can stop breathe andbe.
(19:51):
The instructions are in thename, and when you stop breathe
and be, what you're doing isthat you are getting out of that
what-if?
Anxious thinking, which is aboutthe future.
Anxiety is a future focusedemotion.
You're thinking about what ifthis happens and what if that
happens, and it gets you back inthe here and the now.
What is so it's away from whatif?
(20:12):
Thinking back to what is stopbreathe, be.
You can use that anytime,anywhere.
Jon @wholeparent (20:18):
So stop breathe be.
That is step one and I rememberthis part of the book.
When you get to this part ofthe book, it is absolutely
profound when you talk aboutputting your hand on the door
handle, of going into theserooms where you have patients
and being like, ok, I am goingto stop breathe be.
I definitely use Stop BreatheBe, if not daily, at least every
two or three days, when I knowI am not in the place to parent
(20:41):
in the way in which I want toparent in that moment.
What's another one that we canuse right away?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (20:47):
Another one I love, which I use in my
everyday life, particularly atnight.
Like you said, at night, whenyou're scrolling, it's grayscale
.
So it's a way to create adigital boundary.
We have boundaries in everyaspect and every relationship in
our lives with our spouses, ourkids, our colleagues Yet we
have no boundaries when it comesto your digital devices, and so
(21:08):
creating a digital boundary isimportant because, like we
talked about at the beginning ofthis conversation, your brain
needs rest and recovery, and ifyou are constantly on the go as
a parent and then during yourdowntime you're scrolling,
Scrolling has an immediateeffect on your brain.
It actually revs up your stressresponse, your amygdala because
you know clickbait works on thebiology of stress and your
(21:31):
amygdala doesn't know thedifference between things
happening thousands of milesaway or things happening in your
backyard.
It's the same response.
It's like a light switch.
Jon @wholeparent (21:39):
And so good, so good.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (21:42):
Yeah.
So how do you?
So one thing that I do is umfirst, we all do it.
It's called revenge, bedtimeprocrastination, very common
amongst parents.
And so at the end of the day,it's eight or nine o'clock at
night.
You finally get that momentyour kids are asleep, the
kitchen is cleaned, everyone'shad dinner, baths, you sit down,
perhaps maybe for the firsttime all day.
(22:03):
Do you claim that time is yourown and you start scrolling.
You have every intention ofgoing to bed at 10 o'clock at
night Every intention and beforeyou know it it's midnight.
What happened?
What happened is that yourbrain just took over the
amygdala and you startedscrolling.
When you're feeling a sense ofstress, you're scanning for
danger.
Your amygdala starts scanninglike tribes people.
(22:23):
Back in the day we had nightwatchmen scrolling at night
while the tribe slept, and nowwe are our own night watchmen.
So we scroll and scroll andscroll.
We see something that looksinteresting or dangerous or
curious.
We go down that rabbit hole andbefore you know it, it's
midnight and you have shirked onyour sleep and you know again.
This is not a knowledge thing.
(22:45):
We all know that going to bedearly is important.
It's good for our brain and ourbody.
We tell our children to havestrict bedtimes and yet we are
so lax with ourselves.
It's about parenting ourselvesa little bit better.
Absolutely so, grayscale.
Jon @wholeparent (22:58):
Grayscale, grayscale.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (23:04):
All you do is you set your phone to
grayscale.
Every phone is a little bit ofa different way to do it and
when you click your phone tograyscale, it switches
everything to black and whitemode.
And so scrolling becomes lessinteresting for your brain.
It's less stimulating for yourbrain, so you can scroll, you'll
read headlines and within like30 minutes you're bored because
it doesn't have the stimulatingcolors.
It'll decrease your screen timeand get you to bed earlier, so
(23:24):
that is what I love that.
Jon @wholeparent (23:26):
And you're saying switch your phone to
grayscale at the prescribedtimes.
You're saying just have a phone.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (23:33):
So I usually don't have my phone in
grayscale all day, simplybecause you need a little bit of
color.
In fact, if you're like doingan Amazon purchase, it's hard to
actually see when you have iton black and white.
I've tried lots of differentthings.
So I keep it usually ongrayscale when I am at night,
when I'm scrolling and when Iget to bed or when I'm focused
(23:54):
on a task at work and I don'twant to have a distraction of my
phone.
Jon @wholeparent (23:58):
I love that.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (23:58):
Switching it onto grayscale and then I also
keep my phone off my nightstand,so creating a digital boundary.
So it's not the last thing I dowhen I go to bed, it's not the
first thing I check in themorning just a little bit of a
buffer for your brain and giving.
So that's like the second kindof non-negotiable and then, tied
to that, the thirdnon-negotiable is that I really
(24:19):
do try and I would recommendthis to all parents is to
protect your sleep like thevital resource it is.
Of course, we know, based ondata, that your sleep only after
your final child.
It takes six years after yourlast kid to finally get into a
decent sleep pattern.
We know that based on the data,but in fact I mean your kids
(24:40):
can be older and getting up.
You know that's not like a hardand fast rule.
We know that sleep is notsomething that parents get
readily because for all thereasons that we already know,
but really trying to prioritizeyour sleep.
So when you do the gray scale,what will often happen is that
you'll get to bed earlier andthen you actually will get the
(25:00):
sleep that you need, becausewhen you are sleeping, when
you're shortchanging your brainwith sleep, there is a link
between sleep and stress.
So when you sleep less, yourbrain, in fact the amygdala, is
more reactive, your cortisol,the stress hormone, is higher,
and so you might be moreirritable the next day.
It might influence your work.
(25:20):
The ripple effect is vast withthe sleep stress cycle.
So it will likely affect yourparenting, your emotional
reactivity.
It might affect emotionaleating.
It certainly affects yourwillpower to exercise or
motivation to do things or cleanthe house, et cetera, because
you are so sleep deprived.
Now we've all been there asparents, and especially in the
(25:41):
newborn years, toddler years.
But even then, if you canprotect your sleep and really
think about sleep like atherapeutic intervention, it's
not a waste of time.
It is truly, deeply therapeutic.
It is in fact so important foryour brain because sleep is when
everything happens in your body, in your brain.
(26:01):
It's like a dishwasher for yourbrain.
Jon @wholeparent (26:04):
Yeah, yeah, no , literally cleaning out the
neurotoxins.
I try it.
This is something that I tellto my.
My eight year old is that he's.
I don't want to go to sleep andI'm just like, yeah, but your
brain's so dirty, man.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (26:15):
That's so good to clean it.
Jon @wholeparent (26:16):
We got to clean it out.
But yeah, I, you know this hasbeen such a helpful conversation
.
Just to summarize, you know, Ithink what we all need to
appreciate is, number one, thatstress is normal.
Number two, that most of thestress that we're feeling in the
modern 21st century ismaladaptive and not adaptive.
That those places where stressis adaptive, you know, hey, if
(26:40):
you're a little stressed outbecause, like your doctor has
said for the last five years, togo get a colonoscopy, go get a
colonoscopy.
But if you're constantlystressed about things that are
happening, if not hundreds ofmiles away, thousands of miles
away from you, constantly likethis is not helping you.
Number three the way toactually change that is to build
these new neural pathwaysthrough stop, breathe, be.
(27:02):
And these are just the firstthree.
You said how many in the book?
Fifteen.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (27:05):
Fifteen.
Jon @wholeparent (27:06):
So these are just the first three.
Well, they're not the firstthree, but they are three.
Stop breathe, be number one.
Getting more sleep, number two,and the way that you can do
that is having some.
I like to call those.
You said it was a digitalboundary.
It's a physical boundary too.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (27:19):
Yeah, geographical boundary.
Jon @wholeparent (27:21):
I got to physically get away from this
thing, and so if it means thatyou watch fewer whole parent
books, uh, please watch or not,books.
Fewer whole parent videos,please watch.
Fewer whole parent videos.
Uh, in fact.
Uh, Dr Aditi, can we justprescribe no whole parent videos
after midnight?
Um, and if you are, then theyhave to be in gray scale, which
will be very weird looking, Um.
(27:41):
But thank you so much.
How can we connect with you?
How can we, other than just,you know, buying the book?
Obviously you read the book forthe audio version.
I'll make sure that I link thatas well.
But how else can we connectwith you?
What future projects do we have?
Do we have an email list?
How can we get more as parentsto actually change our brains as
parents, to?
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (28:00):
actually change our brains.
So you can follow me on socialmedia across platforms at Dr
Aditi Narukar, atD-R-A-D-I-T-I-N-E-R-U-R-K-A-R.
You can check out my website,5resetscom or draditicom, and a
newsletter on Substack calledit's Not you, it's your Stress
(28:22):
and all of that is linked in mybio on Instagram.
Jon @wholeparent (28:25):
Awesome.
Dr Aditi Narukar, thank you somuch for being on the Whole
Parent Podcast and all of yourtime that you've given us your
amazing book.
You're awesome.
Final word.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (28:36):
Thank you and parents, I am with you in
solidarity on this adventure ofa lifetime.
Thank you, John.
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