July 4, 2024 • 40 mins
Struggling with bedtime battles? Discover an incredible bedtime hack that transforms chaos into connection, making bedtime one of the best parts of your day.
Episode Number: #28
Description: In this episode of the Whole Parent Podcast, Jon delves into the challenges of bedtime routines and reveals a transformative hack to turn bedtime battles into moments of deep connection with your child. He discusses the reasons behind kids' resistance to bedtime and shares a practical, brain-based technique that not only helps kids fall asleep faster but also strengthens the parent-child bond.
Timestamps:
00:00 - Introduction And Importance Of Bedtime
02:04 - Personal Anecdotes About Bedtime Chaos And Routines
04:56 - Common Bedtime Resistance Issues And Practical Solutions
06:31 - The Bedtime Story Hack Explained
18:21 - Practical Steps For Implementing The Bedtime Story Hack
26:12 - The Importance Of Sleep For Children's Development
35:28 - Closing Remarks And Call To Action
Key Takeaways:
- The Bedtime Story Hack:
- Tell your child the story of their day in a calm, soothing voice to help them transition to sleep.
- Engage their memory and language centers to regulate their emotional state.
- Consistently use this technique to turn bedtime into a positive, connecting experience.
- Why Kids Resist Bedtime:
- Novelty and learning: Kids resist sleep because they are constantly learning and don't want to stop.
- Routine and regulation: Maintaining a consistent bedtime routine helps prevent resistance.
- Hormonal factors: Avoiding overtiredness and managing cortisol levels is key.
- Benefits of Sleep:
- Essential for physical, mental, and emotional development.
- Improves memory, emotional regulation, and overall health.
- Creates opportunities for deep attachment and bonding with your child.
Links to Resources Mentioned:
What episode should you listen to next?
- Effective Discipline Without Punishment
- Understanding Your Child's Brain
How to Connect:
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- Rate and Review: Leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
- Share: Share this episode with friends and family, especially those who struggle with bedtime routines.
Episode Transcript: The full transcript of this episode is available here.
Connect with Whole Parent:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jon @wholeparent (00:01):
Welcome to the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
Today we're talking about sleep, we're talking about bedtime
and we're talking about why kidsresist bedtime and a absolutely
game changing hack that parentscan use to absolutely transform
the bedtime battles andstruggles into some of the best,
(00:25):
most connection-based parts ofyour day.
Because, let's be real, likebedtime is a struggle and, at
the same time, we know fromresearch, from science, from
behavioral neuroscientists, thatthis is like one of the times
in the day when you can do yourmost connecting with your child,
(00:49):
and so that's what we'retalking about today.
If you don't know what thispodcast is if maybe you're this
is the first time you'relistening the whole parent
podcast is all about providingparents who are in the trenches
everyday parents like you likeme I'm just a dad with practical
advice and some of thebrain-based like tricks and tips
and hacks that make parentingmore effective and, honestly,
(01:11):
just plain easier, because allof us have a lot on our plate.
I think everybody wants toparent effectively and develop a
deep, lifelong connection withtheir child.
I think everybody wants what'sbest for their child, like
long-term, you know they want,they want to raise a child who's
ready for the world andresilient and mentally healthy
and emotionally healthy andphysically healthy and all that
(01:31):
other good stuff.
And so this is the podcast thatis designed to help you do that
.
So if you are just listeningfor the first time, sit back,
relax.
We're going to dive into thishack.
We're going to explain why it'simportant, why sleep is
(01:56):
important, why bedtime isimportant, and what you can do
to make it a little bit easier.
All right, so if you were likeme, I have three kids so far I
have a seven year old, I have afour year old and I have a two
year old.
Bedtime is probably one of themost chaotic times of my day.
Like I can't even tell you.
(02:16):
I was like I was talking aboutthis with my wife the other day.
We have this this friends nextdoor who, like, don't really
have a bedtime routine.
They're, they have kids thatare basically the same age.
They have one kid is much older, but then all the rest of their
kids are basically exactly thesame age as our kids, and this
family, like doesn't really dobedtime, and so if our kids are
(02:39):
playing together, sometimes,like bedtime routines get all
thrown off.
And if you've listened to otherepisodes of the podcast.
I think I did one really earlyon on bedtime stuff.
I'll link that in the shownotes.
You know that bedtime routinesare like one of the ways that
kids brains get ready to go tosleep, and so during the summer,
when we pull our kids out ofthese routines, sometimes
(03:00):
bedtime can just like get really, really nasty.
And what I mean by that is likewhen you have a kid who's
really routine, based in theirbedtime routine, it's easy, like
it's not hard, to get them togo to bed.
But when that changes andbedtime gets hairy, sometimes
you have to pull out the thehacks in your back pocket, and
(03:21):
so this is one that I've beenpulling out, especially when
bedtime routine breaks down,like we go to the pool and then
like we miss bedtime and then Iget home and then I got to feed
the kids and like by the time Iget my two year old in bed he's
the one who I do most frequently.
He's like my bedtime routinebuddy and my wife tends to do my
four year old by the time I gethim in bed, like I got to do
(03:42):
something because he's so out ofwhack.
He's like not, he's likeovertired all this stuff and I
know he could be up for likeanother hour if I don't do
something.
This is my hack that I havebeen going to.
So let me just preface it bysaying, before I get into it,
that if this is you, if you'relike, oh my gosh, I'm so glad
(04:03):
this episode is coming out rightnow because my kids are like
resisting bedtime and likebedtime has become terrible and
the routine is all thrown off ormaybe the routine isn't thrown
off, but it's still becomereally challenging and it's like
, oh my gosh, my kids take anhour to go down every night and
they're just like frequentlywaking up, they're just coming.
You know, if you have an olderkid, maybe that come out five,
six, seven times during the.
(04:24):
You know, okay, it's time forbed.
And then they, oh, but I needwater, oh, I need this, I need
that.
Oh, I got to go to the bathroom.
Like if, if all of that is youright now, this is the episode
for you.
And especially if you have likea toddler who's like tantruming
, like if they're like, okay,it's time to go to bed and they
just freak out and they justfight you hardcore, like you are
(04:45):
in the right place and also youare not alone, and that's the
other thing I want to say withthis.
You are not a bad parent.
Your kids are not likely uniquein this.
When I talk to pediatric sleepspecialists, I have one who's
like my go-to guy.
He's one of the top researchersat Duke.
He's one of the people who Italked to on this podcast.
(05:05):
He was my like first guestepisode.
He he talks about newbornsprimarily on that episode.
When I talked to him about this, he's like, yeah, this is like
a super common problem.
In fact, this is one of themost common problems and if you
didn't know this, like I'm onsocial media.
That's where I kind of started.
The podcast came later.
Like when I post a video aboutlike okay, your kid takes, you
know, an hour to go to sleep,and then I did this hack and I'm
(05:27):
going to be talking about thatand why it works today.
When I posted that video, I hadlike a million people watch
that video, which has really notbeen happening lately for me.
Like I've had very my I'm notlike play the world's tiniest
violin for me, but my view rateshave been really down and my
engagement's been down and I'vebeen losing followers.
(05:47):
Trials of an Instagraminfluencer.
Don't cry for me, argentina,but really, when I posted this
video, like I had a millionpeople watch it and like 15 or
17,000 people follow off of thatvideo alone.
Why?
Because this is so not unique.
Like everybody feels likethey're alone, like, oh my gosh,
everybody else's kids just likego to bed.
(06:08):
Like they're like okay, time togo to bed and kids just walk
upstairs and they just putthemselves to bed, right?
No, that's not true.
Like everybody struggles withthis.
Like everybody that I knowpersonally has gone through a
phase where their kids struggle.
And this works, for, in myopinion, because of the way that
it works, it works for all kids.
So I'm not going to keep likejust teasing this.
(06:28):
We're going to talk about itright now.
The hack is to tell your child abedtime story, but specifically
to tell them the story of theday that you had together.
And you don't have to go superfar back.
You don't have to start at thetime when they woke up,
especially if you haven't beenwith them for the whole day.
(06:49):
The way that my wife and myschedule work generally, I'm
with them in the afternoon, orat least the last three weeks,
this is the schedule that we'vebeen doing.
I do like the early morninguntil about 8 am, and then she
does from like eight till noon,and then I do from like maybe
one, one 30,.
We kind of do that middle noon,lunchtime, naptime together,
(07:10):
and then I do from like one 30until six 30, which is then
bedtime.
Even if it's just like the lastcouple hours.
It's to tell them the story ofthe last couple hours.
Very, you know vibrant details,if you can remember them, and
tell it in to them, not as inlike you were there, but but use
their name.
So tell it as if you're tellinga story about like a completely
(07:31):
different person, but it'sobviously all of the characters
they know, and to do that inlike this kind of calm and
soothing voice, for for likethree to five minutes.
And what I've heard in thecomments of the social media
video, but but also from so manyparents who, like none of this
stuff is stuff that I'm justlike trying out on social media.
(07:52):
This is stuff that I've workedwith parents for now years and
and given them this okay, thisis going to work and this is why
it works.
And as I've worked with parents, like I've never found a parent
for whom this did not work tosome extent, and so let me
explain why this works from thestandpoint of the brain, and
then I'll tell you why it'simportant at the end.
(08:13):
Because I think, once youunderstand how to do it, at the
very least you'll like ifanybody tunes out before the end
of the episode I know sometimeslike I just get interrupted or
distracted At least you'll know,like, what to do.
Okay, so from the brainperspective, there are so many
reasons why kids resist sleep,and so I want to just kind of
(08:36):
fly through them really quickly,and then, after I fly through
them, I'll explain how this hackspecifically combats a lot of
those things.
So the number one reason thisis the reason that I mentioned
on the video.
The number one reason that kidsresist sleep, especially
toddlers, is because they'relearning so much and everything
(08:58):
feels novel.
So just imagine it from theperspective of like.
Just take their perspective,like if you found yourself in
their shoes.
This is what it might feel likefor you.
You just spent the first 18months to two years of your life
with essentially no autonomy,right?
So babies when they're born,zero to six months.
(09:19):
I'm thinking about this nowbecause my wife's pregnant.
I haven't talked about that onthe podcast yet, but I did
announce that on social media.
She's due in October.
So I'm thinking about this.
I'm a man, I'm about to go backinto this again but zero to six
months, zero to 12 months.
Your kid has basically noautonomy.
They can't do anything forthemselves.
They need your help foreverything.
So then compare that to a yearlater, at two years old, like at
(09:41):
two years old, like, so, sodifferent.
So at two years old, kids arereally fall, like, coming into a
sense of like oh, I can dothings for myself.
And a lot of parents report.
I know this isn't reallyrelated to sleep, but but it is
where where kids will saythey'll go through this like I
do it, stage right, like me, dome, do I do it?
(10:02):
Where they want to doeverything for themselves.
And so in the process of goingthrough this, like they are
learning as they do all thisstuff for themselves, all of
these new things constantly,they're just learning, learning,
learning and learning.
And this is why two-year-oldsand three-year-olds, generally
speaking, still need naps,because they learn so much that
when they fall, when they fallasleep, they actually
(10:22):
internalize all that informationand their brain categorizes
that.
Their hippocampus categorizesit and stores it into places
where it can be processed forlong-term recall later.
And so when a kid is like outin the world and they're like,
oh man, I'm just learning aboutbugs and I'm learning about this
.
I'm learning about that.
I'm just learning how to likebe my own self.
Everything is new.
(10:43):
And everything is novel because, even if they've experienced it
before, they've neverexperienced it as like they're
in control there and they havethe sense of autonomy to like do
things for themselves.
And so when you're telling them, okay, it's time for bed,
you're essentially telling themit's time to stop learning.
And if you have ever gotten inthat flow state I've recently
(11:04):
gotten this I created this quizfor highly sensitive kids like
three hours would pass and I wasjust like oh man, I'm learning
how to do this.
I'm learning how like ask goodquestions.
I'm like integrating.
You know I'm havingconversations with other
therapists and psychologists tobe like, okay, is this a good
question to ask?
I'm like bouncing.
Like okay, how can I rephrasethis question?
Like using chat.
Ai, so like I can like get agood sense.
I'm like bouncing, like okay,how can I rephrase this question
(11:25):
.
I'm like using chat AI so likeI can like get a good sense.
I'm like reading, rereading thehighly sensitive child by
Elaine Aaron, so I make surethat I like hit all the points.
And so, like I'm in this flowstate of like, oh man, I'm
really, this is novel, this isnew.
I really like this.
I've never created a quiz beforein this way been like, oh no,
like go take a long walk, right,like when my kids disrupt me,
when I'm in that flow state, Ican sometimes react very kind of
(11:51):
harshly and kind of snap itlike God, just get away from me
right now.
Which is like, man, you can'tbelieve that the whole parent
does that.
No, a whole parent does that.
When a whole parent is in flowstate, right, why am I
preferring myself in the thirdperson?
That low state, right, why am Ipreferring myself from the
third person?
That's so weird.
This is a weird thing to say,but I do that, right, like I'll
snap at my kids.
Well, the same is true for them.
They're like learningeverything, they're like coming
into themselves.
They're like, oh man, the wholeworld is novel and new to me.
(12:16):
And then you're like, okay,it's time for bed.
And they're like no, I want tokeep learning.
This is dumb.
Like I don't want to go to bed.
Look at, there's like so muchto explore.
Like, imagine if you were justdropped on an alien planet and
you were just like, hey, like,just like, you can just like
learn anything you want.
You can figure out anything youwant.
You can like any any problemthat you've ever had.
You could probably like find asolution to it.
(12:37):
This is a struggle.
Like they don't want to dealwith that.
And then you have all the otherfactors that are totally
unrelated, things like okay,well, if you wait too long and
they're overtired, theyliterally have hormones that are
trying to keep them awake whileyou're trying to put them to
sleep.
And so there's so manypsychological reasons for
(12:59):
bedtime resistance, and none ofthem are like your kid is a
monster and your kid is horribleor your kid is bad.
All of them are just like these.
These patterns of developmentlead to some resistance at
bedtime, and one of the waysthat you can overcome that
resistance is to actually feedthose needs.
(13:22):
So so you know, for example,you can put them to bed at a
reasonable time.
That's not the hack that we'retalking about today.
But that's definitely a hackthat works.
You can put them to bed duringtheir ideal sleep window, when
they're showing kind of thesubtle signs of tiredness
rubbing their eyes, things likethat but before they go to that
like second wind burst of energything where all the hormones
(13:45):
are released so that they can go.
But you can also, especiallywith the I want to learn more,
you can actually specificallysay, okay, well, let's learn
more together through telling astory.
So let's, let's take a stepback, let's take a step back and
then take a step forward.
So that's why kids resistbedtime.
(14:10):
Now what happens when theyresist bedtime?
So once your kid starts to getin a resisting state of mind, a
combative state of mind I don'twant to go to bed, no, bed,
right.
You're going to immediatelydeal with a child who's no
longer in a thinking state ofmind and is just in a reactive,
emotional state of mind.
So why do I talk so much aboutbedtime routines, even though I
just started this episode bytelling you that I've, like,
(14:31):
basically failed as a parent asrelated to bedtime routines?
I'm not failing as a parentjust in that one aspect.
I am.
No, I'm not doing a good job ofthat right now.
So what happens with bedtimeroutines?
They basically take away thatdecision-making process for them
.
There is no resistance for thembecause the bedtime routine is
(14:51):
long enough usually 30 minutesor so where you're just going
from thing to thing to thingpredictable, predictable,
predictable, stay on the routine, stay on the routine, stay on
the routine and then they don'tpush back.
But what happens when theyactually start to push back?
Because you missed the routineor for whatever reason?
Now they're in this reactivestate of mind.
They are being run by what'scalled their limbic system.
(15:11):
When they start getting run bytheir limbic system especially
when they're tired, like itmakes it more easy for their
limbic system to take control oftheir body or take control of
the rest of their brain whenthey're reactive.
In that way, you're not going tobe able to reason with them,
you're not going to be able tologic them, but you can still
communicate with them, and youcan specifically communicate
(15:34):
with two parts of their brain atthe same time.
Putting the part of their brain, the logical part of their
brain, back in the driver's seatwhere you want it to be.
Putting the part of their brain, the logical part of their
brain, back in the driver's seatwhere you want it to be.
And one of the really easy waysto do that is to draw upon
their memory, which essentiallycommunicates to the part of
their brain that's reacting andbeing emotional and says hey,
(15:55):
I'm going to give you a task,but I'm going to give you a task
that requires you to work withthe other parts of the brain in
order to achieve that task.
And so you're communicating tothe part of their brain that's
struggling and you're saying,hey, turn on the other systems.
You're kind of I don't want tosay like you're manipulating,
but in a way it's a form ofmanipulation.
You're saying, hey, look, Iwant you to turn on the other
(16:17):
parts of your brains because I'mnot really going to be able to
communicate with the emotionalpart of your brain.
The only real way to communicatewith the emotional part of your
brain is to either draw onmemory you can do some stuff
with singing and songs and music, because music works with that
part of your brain as well asthe logical part of your brain.
You can do some other thingslimbic resonance, emotionally
validating experiences, all ofthose things that are like
(16:38):
emotion centered.
That's the stuff you can do,but in the bedtime version of
this, really, the resistance isI don't want to go to bed.
Why?
Because I don't want to stoplearning.
Right, that's one of the mainreasons.
So let's review what we'velearned, let's review what we've
done.
And so when you do this, you areactivating the part of their
brain, the limbic, the neocortex, because that's the language
(17:00):
part of their brain.
So you have the brain, some ofthe brain, so you have the brain
stem at the bottom, you havethe limbic system in the middle
and then you have the neocortex.
Often we talk about the frontpart of the neocortex.
It's called the prefrontalcortex.
The prefrontal cortex is thelanguage part of the brain, the
part that constructs stories.
For example, john, how can onebe, how can limbic system be
memory and the logical part ofthe brain be stories?
I thought memories were juststories.
(17:28):
No, that's a collaborativeeffort between your limbic
system, or your child's limbicsystem in this case, and their
prefrontal cortex, constructingthat story.
That's actually meaning making.
Why is it that people who aretraumatized struggle to tell the
story of their trauma?
Because their limbic systemdoes not want to communicate in
those moments with theirprefrontal cortex, and so it's
(17:48):
through integration of those twoparts of their brain that they
can calm down and regulate andprocess through, not just
traumatic things, but whenthey're escalated about not
wanting to go to bed.
So what you're going to do isyou're going to sit down with
your child.
So that's why it works.
It actually speaks to the partof their brain that's
dysregulated and says, hey, Iwant, I'm going to give you
something to do.
I'm not.
You don't have to just spiraland spin and fight me.
(18:08):
I'm going to give you somethingproductive to do.
And, by the way, the thing thatyou're going to do that's
productive is going to engagethe other part of the brain, the
part of your brain that also islogical, long-term thinking,
processing, et cetera.
The problem with adults is thattheir brain is spinning and
spinning and spinning and theyneed to like focus on their
somatic breathing so that theycan stop their thoughts in order
(18:29):
to fall asleep.
With kids, usually you have toengage their thinking to get
them to fall asleep, because thepart of their brain that's just
escalated the part of theirbrain, in other words, their
limbic system is literallypumping their body full of
wake-up hormones.
So when your child is screamingand tantruming and fighting
bedtime, the hormone that'sbeing released by their limbic
(18:50):
system, cortisol.
What is the hormone that wakesyou up in the morning, when your
alarm goes off, when the suncomes up?
Actually, cortisol, stresshormone.
That actually is what your bodygives you.
It gives you a little shot ofstress hormone not too much, not
to like make you stressed outbut it gives you a little shot
of stress hormone and says getup time for the day.
That part of your child's brainthat's doing that.
(19:13):
It's pumping their body full ofcortisol when they're fighting
sleep.
And so it's going hey, look,stay awake, stay awake.
You got to calm that down inorder to get them back online.
So you're going to sit down withyour child.
This is the practicalimplementation part of this
episode.
You're going to sit down withyour child and you're going to
say hey, can I tell you a story?
And sometimes they'll resist,sometimes they'll be no story.
I don't want story, I just wantthis Go downstairs.
(19:35):
That's what my two-year-oldalways says Go downstairs.
He also says, oh, not again,which is really cute.
He doesn't talk much, but hedoes say that he goes.
Oh no, not again.
When he doesn't like somethingthat he knows we're going to
hold a boundary, not again.
So he said no, not again, nostory, you just start telling it
(19:56):
.
So I heard this story aboutthis kid.
We use my son's name becausethis is the example and it's
easier for me to use my son'sname, my two-year-old's name.
I heard the story about a kidnamed Liam and in the story he
was playing with his friend,miss Jenny so just giving you
last night's version, it's theeasiest one for me to remember
(20:18):
and with Miss Jenny they wereplaying with Play-Doh and they
were playing with kinetic sandand they did an art project.
And if your kid is reallyresisting and still going no
story, no story, no story thisis the point in which you can
actually ask them a question andI would not recommend asking
(20:40):
them questions throughout to gettheir input.
Asking them questions like thisis helpful for developing
memory retention and practicingmemory, but when you're trying
to use this to help them go tosleep, you don't want them to be
answering a bunch of questionsfor you.
But if they're still fightingyou, this is kind of bonus hack,
how to make the hack work.
When the hack's not working,you can say like, oh, what was
(21:00):
that art project?
What were they making withpaper.
And it's amazing kids.
When you ask them a questionthat they know the answer to
from their memory, which againis the same part of their brain
that's active when they'refighting they will oftentimes go
like oh okay, like we're makingdecorations, that's what
(21:21):
they're making yesterday, Makingdecorations.
They are making decorations forthe 4th of July with paper,
with red paper and white paper.
What was the other kind ofpaper there?
You know, if he's stillfighting, what was the other
kind of paper?
Pink?
Yeah, it was blue.
He calls everything pink,doesn't really like colors.
My other kid, by this agealmost no verbalization could
(21:46):
identify every color.
All kids are different.
Yeah, it was blue, it was bluepaper.
And then, after they diddecorations, you see how I'm
telling the story.
It's calm, soothing.
Then Liam went to look for hisbrother, matt.
Matt was next door playing, andthen Matt got home and they ate
(22:08):
a snack and I'm not going tomake you sit through, I'll put
you to sleep, because that's allthese stories are designed to
do.
But then, going through eachthing and here's the key they
know the characters.
Even more important, they knowthe plot.
You are putting into languagetheir experience and so you're
(22:30):
activating the learning part oftheir brain.
You're saying hey, you've beenlearning all day, you've been
learning all this new stuff,let's recap the learning.
And in the process of recappingthe learning, and in the
process of recapping thelearning, they actually decide
oh, this is time, like I can,I've done learning, I don't need
to keep learning, I canactually go to sleep now.
So, as you're talking to themin the soothing voice which
(22:58):
parents voice, children canrelease melatonin, oxytocin
makes them feel kind of sleepyand whatever.
So you're doing that.
You're using your voice, whichis a very powerful tool that you
have.
You're telling stories, whichis engaging their limbic system
and regulating it down.
You're activating theirprefrontal cortex, which is
helping them to listen and puttheir story, their memories,
into language, which issimultaneously then regulating
down their emotional center.
(23:18):
It's engaging theirparasympathetic nervous system,
which is the part regulatingdown their emotional center.
It's engaging theirparasympathetic nervous system,
which is the part of their bodyI mean you can do this while you
can like rub their back whileyou're doing this that's kind of
another bonus way to do thisthat engages the vagus nerve,
which then, in turn, activatesthe parasympathetic nervous
(23:39):
system, which basically providesantidote hormone to cortisol
and epinephrine or adrenalinethat's being pumped into your
child's body because they'reresisting, resisting, resisting
bedtime.
So, like, as you're doing this,you're just like slowly moving
them towards okay, and it'sgoing to be like.
Then he went upstairs with dadand he said no, I don't want to
(24:01):
go to sleep.
And you don't have to tell thispart of the story.
I actually do, because I findthat it's helpful.
But some kids, like, as soon asyou mentioned that they didn't
want to go to sleep, they'lljust fly off the handle.
You're going to have to try itand find out for yourself with
your own kid.
No, I don't want to go to sleep.
But then dad said I'm going totell you a story.
And then Liam closed his eyesand he laid on his pillow and he
(24:22):
felt how warm it was and how hehad a blanket over him and he
knew that it was time to go tosleep so that his brain could
grow and it could get clean andit would like, and you can say
all the things and all thereasons that I'm about to tell
you, because we're close to theend of the episode and this will
literally move them into astate of mind where their body
(24:45):
begins to say, okay, we'reactivating the memory circuits,
which are also the circuits thatare going to be active in the
first moments of sleep tocategorize the information that
we're receiving.
So, as you do this, you'reactually moving them towards
sleep from a neurological andneuro perspective, from a brain
(25:06):
perspective, this hack is movingthem towards the activity that
their brain will do the secondthat they fall asleep anyway as
kids which is that thehippocampus, which is a
structure in your brain thehippocampus being part of the
limbic system, which we'vetalked a lot about today is
categorizing the information,creating a narrative out of the
(25:26):
sensory information of that theytook in that day, moving
short-term memory into storedmemory, long-term memory, and
kind of wiping out theshort-term memory, kind of
clearing the desktop, organizingeverything into the folders
where it goes and clearing thedesktop from the clutter.
(25:47):
That's what their brain isdoing at the early stages of
sleep.
And so, as you do this, you'reactually kind of telling them
like, hey, this is what you're,you're telling their brain,
you're speaking almost directlyto the brain.
This is what we're going to donow.
We're going to start working oncategorizing this information.
So here's why this is reallyimportant and I'm going to give
you as quickly as I can, boom,boom, boom, three things,
(26:09):
because I think this ismassively helpful for numerous
reasons.
Thing number one let's talkspecifically about why kids need
sleep.
So sleep is one of probably themost greatest predictors of
long-term physical, mental,emotional health for kids.
If your kid is not gettingadequate sleep, if you're not
(26:31):
helping them to get the adequatesleep that they need, your kid
is not going to be regulated,happy, able to learn all of
these things.
So kids who don't get enoughsleep struggle in school.
I'm not saying that school isthe end metric, but if school is
an indicator that they'restruggling to learn, well, we
got to take notice right.
So school, struggling schoolthey struggle to perform
(26:51):
athletically.
If that matters to you, itprobably matters to your kid.
If they're a little bit olderseven, eight, nine that's where
you really run into sleepproblems.
And then in teenage years youreally run into sleep problems
right, when you don't have allof the say that you once had.
They really struggle in all ofthese different facets of their
life and that is because sleepis the great equalizer for the
brain.
They struggle with anxiety.
They can struggle more withdepression People.
(27:12):
Obviously depression andanxiety can cause insomnia,
which then compounds the impactand in fact, I think if you look
at chronic difficulty to sleep,this is linked to some of the
worst mental health and physicalhealth outcomes, like the
inability to be able to sleep isone of the most debilitating
things.
Just ask anybody with chronicsleep issues.
(27:34):
One of the most debilitatingthings.
People really fall into allsorts of bad situations from
this.
So, number one your kid needssleep because it's massively
important to their developmentand then I'll say that too,
their growth Growth is obviouslywhat your kid is doing.
When they're a kid, they'regrowing.
They do a ton of growth whenthey're sleeping.
(27:55):
Sleep also what we know fromresearch.
It has been proven over andover.
Sleep is the time when yourchild again categorizes memories
and and moves short-term memoryinto long-term memory so it can
help them retain, it can helpthem have better memory.
The better sleep that they get.
It also cleans their brain.
So I've said that in passing.
I tell my kids, all my kids,that and it is the the like.
(28:18):
That's another sleep hack man.
Just tell your kids that theirbrain gets clean while they're
sleeping and they're just likelet me go to sleep right now,
like literally what happens whenyou sleep.
What we know is that we haveneurotoxins that build up in our
brain Like that's just part oflife, right, it's just part of
being in the world.
Like you get toxins in yourbody.
People can try and limit thatand limit that and limit that.
Definitely people who live inlike high chemical environments,
(28:40):
who are exposed to lead andother dangerous things, like
they are going to have more forsure.
But what we know is that duringsleep, your brain literally
cleans itself.
It takes the neurotoxins, likeit flushes your brain from
neurotoxins and pushes those outof your brain into different
filtering parts of your body.
That can, that can then filterthose out and then you can, you
(29:01):
know, get rid of them throughwhatever means urination,
defecation, whatever and so, asthat happens, like your body is
actually removing neurotoxins,and so that's one of the things
that your kids need to know.
They're like that's whathappens to sleep.
So sleep is massively importantfor kids.
That's number one.
Number two, what we know fromresearchers, social scientists,
(29:22):
actually what they're, what arecalled affective behavioral
neuroscientists or affectiveneuroscientists like Jock
Pengstaff that actually, if youwant to really connect deeply
with your child, one of the keytimes to do that where you get a
high return on your investmentof your time, is right before
your kid falls asleep.
So many parents get into thisbedtime trauma, struggle, thing
(29:42):
where they're just fighting andfighting and fighting with their
kid every single night atbedtime.
Doing a hack like this whereyou turn bedtime into a positive
experience for your child,actually pays so many dividends
on the backend.
So so what he was able to showwas that the time that parents
spend with their kids rightbefore bed, right before nap,
right after your kid wakes up,so like things around sleep, but
(30:05):
also things around transition,so another time that can work,
especially if you have a kid whodoesn't nap.
They're older, it's like rightwhen they come back home is that
these reconnection points arelike super charged for
attachment, and so parents likeyou can imagine it this way like
you could spend hours and hourswith your kid, engaging with
them, playing with them, andthat's all really great for
(30:25):
attachment.
But actually what's even moreeffective than that is to just
spend the intentional time atbedtime, to like just do bedtime
really well, to really reallyprioritize this, and so if
you're a parent who's a littlebit worried, like, ah, I mean, I
work a lot or I travel orwhatever, and I'm worried that
my child's not gonna be attachedto me like, do bedtime, like be
the parent who makes bedtime apositive experience.
(30:47):
Cuddle with your kids, sit withyour kids, read to your kids,
tell your kids the story oftheir day Massively, massively
helpful, because it actually isthe time of, like, supercharged
attachment.
And then the last piece of thisand I think that this is also
massively important is thatthrough this regardless of sleep
so, like, let's separate outsleep One of the most compelling
(31:08):
and powerful things you can dofor your child's
neurodevelopment is to help themto tell the story of what
happened to them that day, toput the story into words.
Well, what's one of the primaryways that we teach kids anything
?
By modeling.
So all that to say when it'stime for bed.
You have this invaluableopportunity to employ a hack
(31:30):
like this, whether you're usinga bedtime routine or not, by the
way, you can also justimplement this into your bedtime
routine.
Do this every single night.
Great, it'll still work.
It doesn't have to be like oh,break glass in case of emergency
, it's not going to stop working, like, but you have an
opportunity to actually modelfor your kid memory.
This is how I put my experiencesinto words.
(31:52):
And other than sleep, which isa massive predictor of mental,
emotional, physical health, andattachment, which is a massive
predictor of mental, emotional,physical health and relational
health, you know what else is amassive predictor of mental,
emotional, physical health andrelational health?
You know what else is a massivepredictor of mental, emotional,
physical health and resilience?
The ability to narrativize,that is, to put into words one's
(32:13):
own experiences.
This is how talk therapy works.
This is how most protocols forPTSD work.
The ability to put yournarrative, your story, into
language, thereby connecting theemotional and memory sense,
memory, information to logicalprocessing.
And language is one of the waysthat you make sense out of the
(32:36):
world.
And so, with anxiety anddepression on all time highs,
especially in adolescence,what's the prescription?
Teach your child to be able tonarrativize their experience.
How do we do that with littlekids who probably aren't really
able?
Well, we can do exactly whatwe're saying here.
Bonus points you do it twotimes a day.
(32:57):
You can do this at lunchtime.
Go through their whole morningbefore their nap, and in those
times you might not be trying towind them down.
Ask them a bunch of questions,but at bedtime, you don't
necessarily need to ask them abunch of questions, you're just
modeling for them.
Here's how we're going to putthe story of your day into
language and into acomprehensive narrative that you
(33:17):
can draw on later.
It's incredibly powerful.
Totally beside the point ofbedtime, this becomes a tool for
long-term physical, mental andemotional health.
So, as we conclude this episode,this has been an episode all
about this hack telling yourkids a bedtime story which is
just actually not made up.
It's just the story of theirday.
The reason that this works isbecause when your child is
(33:38):
escalated, especially, but allthe time at bedtime, you are
trying to integrate theemotional part of their brain,
the limbic system, with theirneocortex, the language center,
as well as the logical thinking,processing, moral thinking,
long-term thinking, et cetera,introspective awareness,
metacognition, just throwing outa big bunch of big words.
Now you're trying to connectthose things together, and one
(33:59):
of the ways in which you can dothat is by helping them to
narrativize, tell the story oftheir day.
And so when you, when it comesto bedtime, especially if you
have a kid who's resistingbedtime, who's fighting bedtime,
no, bedtime.
I don't want to do bedtime,especially if it's one of those
days when you've missed yourbedtime routine for whatever
reason doesn't make you a badparent.
Sometimes it just happens.
Sometimes you have toprioritize something for a
(34:20):
different kid.
That's what we're doing rightnow Got to prioritize
relationships.
Sometimes for theseven-year-old, he's got to take
a lot of backseat to the needsof his little brothers.
Sometimes their needs are goingto take a backseat to him.
That's just part of life, andso bad time gets hairy.
Use this hack Sit down with yourkid Calmly.
Tell them the story of theirday.
If they're resisting, ask themquestions.
(34:41):
Help them to participate in thestory.
Then, once they stop resisting,just tell them the story, calm,
peaceful voice.
Put a hand on them.
If you want to release a littlebit of extra oxytocin into
their bloodstream at this time,right, put a hand on them.
Help them to calm down.
Tell them the story of your dayvery calmly and then, as as as
(35:01):
you go through this process,you're going to have so many
external benefits.
Your kid's going to sleepbetter, which is better for them
.
You're going to have a betterattachment relationship with
them when, during the premierattachment time of the day,
you're not fighting with themevery single day, and then
you're also going to help themlong-term physical, mental,
emotional health by teachingthem to narrativize their story.
Okay, I've gone way, way toolong in this episode.
(35:22):
I wanted this episode to be 15minutes.
This episode is going to belike half an hour, 45 minutes.
I don't even know yet.
I'll have to edit it and findout.
But if you, if you like thispodcast, if you want to learn
more hacks, if you want to, youknow help.
If you're a parent who, onwhatever podcast platform,
please share this y'all.
(35:43):
This podcast gets out to acouple thousand parents.
I would like to see thispodcast become as big as the
social media platforms that I'mon, and why?
Because I think this is thebest way to consume the
information.
One minute videos yeah, they'regreat, but I can't get into the
depth that I get into here andI think that it really matters.
I think that you're way morelikely to do it if you
understand it, and so share thiswith parents in your life.
(36:04):
If you have a parent in yourlife who's just like, oh man, my
kid's not going to bed, hey,here's the resource.
You get to be a hero today.
You get to show them thispodcast and then they're gonna
do this and be like oh, 25, 28,29 episodes.
You know we'll go through allof them, so so share this with
somebody.
Make sure that you let me knowalso the reviews, apple or
(36:29):
Spotify whether you're listeningon Apple or Spotify, please let
me know.
Hey, I really enjoy this.
You can always message me.
There's actually a link to textme directly to me in the in the
show notes as well.
But yeah, until next time.
This has been the whole parentpodcast.
I really hope this helped youparent better today.
Welcome to the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
Today we're talking about sleep, we're talking about bedtime
and we're talking about why kidsresist bedtime and a absolutely
game changing hack that parentscan use to absolutely transform
the bedtime battles andstruggles into some of the best,
(00:25):
most connection-based parts ofyour day.
Because, let's be real, likebedtime is a struggle and, at
the same time, we know fromresearch, from science, from
behavioral neuroscientists, thatthis is like one of the times
in the day when you can do yourmost connecting with your child,
(00:49):
and so that's what we'retalking about today.
If you don't know what thispodcast is if maybe you're this
is the first time you'relistening the whole parent
podcast is all about providingparents who are in the trenches
everyday parents like you likeme I'm just a dad with practical
advice and some of thebrain-based like tricks and tips
and hacks that make parentingmore effective and, honestly,
(01:11):
just plain easier, because allof us have a lot on our plate.
I think everybody wants toparent effectively and develop a
deep, lifelong connection withtheir child.
I think everybody wants what'sbest for their child, like
long-term, you know they want,they want to raise a child who's
ready for the world andresilient and mentally healthy
and emotionally healthy andphysically healthy and all that
(01:31):
other good stuff.
And so this is the podcast thatis designed to help you do that
.
So if you are just listeningfor the first time, sit back,
relax.
We're going to dive into thishack.
We're going to explain why it'simportant, why sleep is
(01:56):
important, why bedtime isimportant, and what you can do
to make it a little bit easier.
All right, so if you were likeme, I have three kids so far I
have a seven year old, I have afour year old and I have a two
year old.
Bedtime is probably one of themost chaotic times of my day.
Like I can't even tell you.
(02:16):
I was like I was talking aboutthis with my wife the other day.
We have this this friends nextdoor who, like, don't really
have a bedtime routine.
They're, they have kids thatare basically the same age.
They have one kid is much older, but then all the rest of their
kids are basically exactly thesame age as our kids, and this
family, like doesn't really dobedtime, and so if our kids are
(02:39):
playing together, sometimes,like bedtime routines get all
thrown off.
And if you've listened to otherepisodes of the podcast.
I think I did one really earlyon on bedtime stuff.
I'll link that in the shownotes.
You know that bedtime routinesare like one of the ways that
kids brains get ready to go tosleep, and so during the summer,
when we pull our kids out ofthese routines, sometimes
(03:00):
bedtime can just like get really, really nasty.
And what I mean by that is likewhen you have a kid who's
really routine, based in theirbedtime routine, it's easy, like
it's not hard, to get them togo to bed.
But when that changes andbedtime gets hairy, sometimes
you have to pull out the thehacks in your back pocket, and
(03:21):
so this is one that I've beenpulling out, especially when
bedtime routine breaks down,like we go to the pool and then
like we miss bedtime and then Iget home and then I got to feed
the kids and like by the time Iget my two year old in bed he's
the one who I do most frequently.
He's like my bedtime routinebuddy and my wife tends to do my
four year old by the time I gethim in bed, like I got to do
(03:42):
something because he's so out ofwhack.
He's like not, he's likeovertired all this stuff and I
know he could be up for likeanother hour if I don't do
something.
This is my hack that I havebeen going to.
So let me just preface it bysaying, before I get into it,
that if this is you, if you'relike, oh my gosh, I'm so glad
(04:03):
this episode is coming out rightnow because my kids are like
resisting bedtime and likebedtime has become terrible and
the routine is all thrown off ormaybe the routine isn't thrown
off, but it's still becomereally challenging and it's like
, oh my gosh, my kids take anhour to go down every night and
they're just like frequentlywaking up, they're just coming.
You know, if you have an olderkid, maybe that come out five,
six, seven times during the.
(04:24):
You know, okay, it's time forbed.
And then they, oh, but I needwater, oh, I need this, I need
that.
Oh, I got to go to the bathroom.
Like if, if all of that is youright now, this is the episode
for you.
And especially if you have likea toddler who's like tantruming
, like if they're like, okay,it's time to go to bed and they
just freak out and they justfight you hardcore, like you are
(04:45):
in the right place and also youare not alone, and that's the
other thing I want to say withthis.
You are not a bad parent.
Your kids are not likely uniquein this.
When I talk to pediatric sleepspecialists, I have one who's
like my go-to guy.
He's one of the top researchersat Duke.
He's one of the people who Italked to on this podcast.
(05:05):
He was my like first guestepisode.
He he talks about newbornsprimarily on that episode.
When I talked to him about this, he's like, yeah, this is like
a super common problem.
In fact, this is one of themost common problems and if you
didn't know this, like I'm onsocial media.
That's where I kind of started.
The podcast came later.
Like when I post a video aboutlike okay, your kid takes, you
know, an hour to go to sleep,and then I did this hack and I'm
(05:27):
going to be talking about thatand why it works today.
When I posted that video, I hadlike a million people watch
that video, which has really notbeen happening lately for me.
Like I've had very my I'm notlike play the world's tiniest
violin for me, but my view rateshave been really down and my
engagement's been down and I'vebeen losing followers.
(05:47):
Trials of an Instagraminfluencer.
Don't cry for me, argentina,but really, when I posted this
video, like I had a millionpeople watch it and like 15 or
17,000 people follow off of thatvideo alone.
Why?
Because this is so not unique.
Like everybody feels likethey're alone, like, oh my gosh,
everybody else's kids just likego to bed.
(06:08):
Like they're like okay, time togo to bed and kids just walk
upstairs and they just putthemselves to bed, right?
No, that's not true.
Like everybody struggles withthis.
Like everybody that I knowpersonally has gone through a
phase where their kids struggle.
And this works, for, in myopinion, because of the way that
it works, it works for all kids.
So I'm not going to keep likejust teasing this.
(06:28):
We're going to talk about itright now.
The hack is to tell your child abedtime story, but specifically
to tell them the story of theday that you had together.
And you don't have to go superfar back.
You don't have to start at thetime when they woke up,
especially if you haven't beenwith them for the whole day.
(06:49):
The way that my wife and myschedule work generally, I'm
with them in the afternoon, orat least the last three weeks,
this is the schedule that we'vebeen doing.
I do like the early morninguntil about 8 am, and then she
does from like eight till noon,and then I do from like maybe
one, one 30,.
We kind of do that middle noon,lunchtime, naptime together,
(07:10):
and then I do from like one 30until six 30, which is then
bedtime.
Even if it's just like the lastcouple hours.
It's to tell them the story ofthe last couple hours.
Very, you know vibrant details,if you can remember them, and
tell it in to them, not as inlike you were there, but but use
their name.
So tell it as if you're tellinga story about like a completely
(07:31):
different person, but it'sobviously all of the characters
they know, and to do that inlike this kind of calm and
soothing voice, for for likethree to five minutes.
And what I've heard in thecomments of the social media
video, but but also from so manyparents who, like none of this
stuff is stuff that I'm justlike trying out on social media.
(07:52):
This is stuff that I've workedwith parents for now years and
and given them this okay, thisis going to work and this is why
it works.
And as I've worked with parents, like I've never found a parent
for whom this did not work tosome extent, and so let me
explain why this works from thestandpoint of the brain, and
then I'll tell you why it'simportant at the end.
(08:13):
Because I think, once youunderstand how to do it, at the
very least you'll like ifanybody tunes out before the end
of the episode I know sometimeslike I just get interrupted or
distracted At least you'll know,like, what to do.
Okay, so from the brainperspective, there are so many
reasons why kids resist sleep,and so I want to just kind of
(08:36):
fly through them really quickly,and then, after I fly through
them, I'll explain how this hackspecifically combats a lot of
those things.
So the number one reason thisis the reason that I mentioned
on the video.
The number one reason that kidsresist sleep, especially
toddlers, is because they'relearning so much and everything
(08:58):
feels novel.
So just imagine it from theperspective of like.
Just take their perspective,like if you found yourself in
their shoes.
This is what it might feel likefor you.
You just spent the first 18months to two years of your life
with essentially no autonomy,right?
So babies when they're born,zero to six months.
(09:19):
I'm thinking about this nowbecause my wife's pregnant.
I haven't talked about that onthe podcast yet, but I did
announce that on social media.
She's due in October.
So I'm thinking about this.
I'm a man, I'm about to go backinto this again but zero to six
months, zero to 12 months.
Your kid has basically noautonomy.
They can't do anything forthemselves.
They need your help foreverything.
So then compare that to a yearlater, at two years old, like at
(09:41):
two years old, like, so, sodifferent.
So at two years old, kids arereally fall, like, coming into a
sense of like oh, I can dothings for myself.
And a lot of parents report.
I know this isn't reallyrelated to sleep, but but it is
where where kids will saythey'll go through this like I
do it, stage right, like me, dome, do I do it?
(10:02):
Where they want to doeverything for themselves.
And so in the process of goingthrough this, like they are
learning as they do all thisstuff for themselves, all of
these new things constantly,they're just learning, learning,
learning and learning.
And this is why two-year-oldsand three-year-olds, generally
speaking, still need naps,because they learn so much that
when they fall, when they fallasleep, they actually
(10:22):
internalize all that informationand their brain categorizes
that.
Their hippocampus categorizesit and stores it into places
where it can be processed forlong-term recall later.
And so when a kid is like outin the world and they're like,
oh man, I'm just learning aboutbugs and I'm learning about this
.
I'm learning about that.
I'm just learning how to likebe my own self.
Everything is new.
(10:43):
And everything is novel because, even if they've experienced it
before, they've neverexperienced it as like they're
in control there and they havethe sense of autonomy to like do
things for themselves.
And so when you're telling them, okay, it's time for bed,
you're essentially telling themit's time to stop learning.
And if you have ever gotten inthat flow state I've recently
(11:04):
gotten this I created this quizfor highly sensitive kids like
three hours would pass and I wasjust like oh man, I'm learning
how to do this.
I'm learning how like ask goodquestions.
I'm like integrating.
You know I'm havingconversations with other
therapists and psychologists tobe like, okay, is this a good
question to ask?
I'm like bouncing.
Like okay, how can I rephrasethis question?
Like using chat.
Ai, so like I can like get agood sense.
I'm like bouncing, like okay,how can I rephrase this question
(11:25):
.
I'm like using chat AI so likeI can like get a good sense.
I'm like reading, rereading thehighly sensitive child by
Elaine Aaron, so I make surethat I like hit all the points.
And so, like I'm in this flowstate of like, oh man, I'm
really, this is novel, this isnew.
I really like this.
I've never created a quiz beforein this way been like, oh no,
like go take a long walk, right,like when my kids disrupt me,
when I'm in that flow state, Ican sometimes react very kind of
(11:51):
harshly and kind of snap itlike God, just get away from me
right now.
Which is like, man, you can'tbelieve that the whole parent
does that.
No, a whole parent does that.
When a whole parent is in flowstate, right, why am I
preferring myself in the thirdperson?
That low state, right, why am Ipreferring myself from the
third person?
That's so weird.
This is a weird thing to say,but I do that, right, like I'll
snap at my kids.
Well, the same is true for them.
They're like learningeverything, they're like coming
into themselves.
They're like, oh man, the wholeworld is novel and new to me.
(12:16):
And then you're like, okay,it's time for bed.
And they're like no, I want tokeep learning.
This is dumb.
Like I don't want to go to bed.
Look at, there's like so muchto explore.
Like, imagine if you were justdropped on an alien planet and
you were just like, hey, like,just like, you can just like
learn anything you want.
You can figure out anything youwant.
You can like any any problemthat you've ever had.
You could probably like find asolution to it.
(12:37):
This is a struggle.
Like they don't want to dealwith that.
And then you have all the otherfactors that are totally
unrelated, things like okay,well, if you wait too long and
they're overtired, theyliterally have hormones that are
trying to keep them awake whileyou're trying to put them to
sleep.
And so there's so manypsychological reasons for
(12:59):
bedtime resistance, and none ofthem are like your kid is a
monster and your kid is horribleor your kid is bad.
All of them are just like these.
These patterns of developmentlead to some resistance at
bedtime, and one of the waysthat you can overcome that
resistance is to actually feedthose needs.
(13:22):
So so you know, for example,you can put them to bed at a
reasonable time.
That's not the hack that we'retalking about today.
But that's definitely a hackthat works.
You can put them to bed duringtheir ideal sleep window, when
they're showing kind of thesubtle signs of tiredness
rubbing their eyes, things likethat but before they go to that
like second wind burst of energything where all the hormones
(13:45):
are released so that they can go.
But you can also, especiallywith the I want to learn more,
you can actually specificallysay, okay, well, let's learn
more together through telling astory.
So let's, let's take a stepback, let's take a step back and
then take a step forward.
So that's why kids resistbedtime.
(14:10):
Now what happens when theyresist bedtime?
So once your kid starts to getin a resisting state of mind, a
combative state of mind I don'twant to go to bed, no, bed,
right.
You're going to immediatelydeal with a child who's no
longer in a thinking state ofmind and is just in a reactive,
emotional state of mind.
So why do I talk so much aboutbedtime routines, even though I
just started this episode bytelling you that I've, like,
(14:31):
basically failed as a parent asrelated to bedtime routines?
I'm not failing as a parentjust in that one aspect.
I am.
No, I'm not doing a good job ofthat right now.
So what happens with bedtimeroutines?
They basically take away thatdecision-making process for them
.
There is no resistance for thembecause the bedtime routine is
(14:51):
long enough usually 30 minutesor so where you're just going
from thing to thing to thingpredictable, predictable,
predictable, stay on the routine, stay on the routine, stay on
the routine and then they don'tpush back.
But what happens when theyactually start to push back?
Because you missed the routineor for whatever reason?
Now they're in this reactivestate of mind.
They are being run by what'scalled their limbic system.
(15:11):
When they start getting run bytheir limbic system especially
when they're tired, like itmakes it more easy for their
limbic system to take control oftheir body or take control of
the rest of their brain whenthey're reactive.
In that way, you're not going tobe able to reason with them,
you're not going to be able tologic them, but you can still
communicate with them, and youcan specifically communicate
(15:34):
with two parts of their brain atthe same time.
Putting the part of their brain, the logical part of their
brain, back in the driver's seatwhere you want it to be.
Putting the part of their brain, the logical part of their
brain, back in the driver's seatwhere you want it to be.
And one of the really easy waysto do that is to draw upon
their memory, which essentiallycommunicates to the part of
their brain that's reacting andbeing emotional and says hey,
(15:55):
I'm going to give you a task,but I'm going to give you a task
that requires you to work withthe other parts of the brain in
order to achieve that task.
And so you're communicating tothe part of their brain that's
struggling and you're saying,hey, turn on the other systems.
You're kind of I don't want tosay like you're manipulating,
but in a way it's a form ofmanipulation.
You're saying, hey, look, Iwant you to turn on the other
(16:17):
parts of your brains because I'mnot really going to be able to
communicate with the emotionalpart of your brain.
The only real way to communicatewith the emotional part of your
brain is to either draw onmemory you can do some stuff
with singing and songs and music, because music works with that
part of your brain as well asthe logical part of your brain.
You can do some other thingslimbic resonance, emotionally
validating experiences, all ofthose things that are like
(16:38):
emotion centered.
That's the stuff you can do,but in the bedtime version of
this, really, the resistance isI don't want to go to bed.
Why?
Because I don't want to stoplearning.
Right, that's one of the mainreasons.
So let's review what we'velearned, let's review what we've
done.
And so when you do this, you areactivating the part of their
brain, the limbic, the neocortex, because that's the language
(17:00):
part of their brain.
So you have the brain, some ofthe brain, so you have the brain
stem at the bottom, you havethe limbic system in the middle
and then you have the neocortex.
Often we talk about the frontpart of the neocortex.
It's called the prefrontalcortex.
The prefrontal cortex is thelanguage part of the brain, the
part that constructs stories.
For example, john, how can onebe, how can limbic system be
memory and the logical part ofthe brain be stories?
I thought memories were juststories.
(17:28):
No, that's a collaborativeeffort between your limbic
system, or your child's limbicsystem in this case, and their
prefrontal cortex, constructingthat story.
That's actually meaning making.
Why is it that people who aretraumatized struggle to tell the
story of their trauma?
Because their limbic systemdoes not want to communicate in
those moments with theirprefrontal cortex, and so it's
(17:48):
through integration of those twoparts of their brain that they
can calm down and regulate andprocess through, not just
traumatic things, but whenthey're escalated about not
wanting to go to bed.
So what you're going to do isyou're going to sit down with
your child.
So that's why it works.
It actually speaks to the partof their brain that's
dysregulated and says, hey, Iwant, I'm going to give you
something to do.
I'm not.
You don't have to just spiraland spin and fight me.
(18:08):
I'm going to give you somethingproductive to do.
And, by the way, the thing thatyou're going to do that's
productive is going to engagethe other part of the brain, the
part of your brain that also islogical, long-term thinking,
processing, et cetera.
The problem with adults is thattheir brain is spinning and
spinning and spinning and theyneed to like focus on their
somatic breathing so that theycan stop their thoughts in order
(18:29):
to fall asleep.
With kids, usually you have toengage their thinking to get
them to fall asleep, because thepart of their brain that's just
escalated the part of theirbrain, in other words, their
limbic system is literallypumping their body full of
wake-up hormones.
So when your child is screamingand tantruming and fighting
bedtime, the hormone that'sbeing released by their limbic
(18:50):
system, cortisol.
What is the hormone that wakesyou up in the morning, when your
alarm goes off, when the suncomes up?
Actually, cortisol, stresshormone.
That actually is what your bodygives you.
It gives you a little shot ofstress hormone not too much, not
to like make you stressed outbut it gives you a little shot
of stress hormone and says getup time for the day.
That part of your child's brainthat's doing that.
(19:13):
It's pumping their body full ofcortisol when they're fighting
sleep.
And so it's going hey, look,stay awake, stay awake.
You got to calm that down inorder to get them back online.
So you're going to sit down withyour child.
This is the practicalimplementation part of this
episode.
You're going to sit down withyour child and you're going to
say hey, can I tell you a story?
And sometimes they'll resist,sometimes they'll be no story.
I don't want story, I just wantthis Go downstairs.
(19:35):
That's what my two-year-oldalways says Go downstairs.
He also says, oh, not again,which is really cute.
He doesn't talk much, but hedoes say that he goes.
Oh no, not again.
When he doesn't like somethingthat he knows we're going to
hold a boundary, not again.
So he said no, not again, nostory, you just start telling it
(19:56):
.
So I heard this story aboutthis kid.
We use my son's name becausethis is the example and it's
easier for me to use my son'sname, my two-year-old's name.
I heard the story about a kidnamed Liam and in the story he
was playing with his friend,miss Jenny so just giving you
last night's version, it's theeasiest one for me to remember
(20:18):
and with Miss Jenny they wereplaying with Play-Doh and they
were playing with kinetic sandand they did an art project.
And if your kid is reallyresisting and still going no
story, no story, no story thisis the point in which you can
actually ask them a question andI would not recommend asking
(20:40):
them questions throughout to gettheir input.
Asking them questions like thisis helpful for developing
memory retention and practicingmemory, but when you're trying
to use this to help them go tosleep, you don't want them to be
answering a bunch of questionsfor you.
But if they're still fightingyou, this is kind of bonus hack,
how to make the hack work.
When the hack's not working,you can say like, oh, what was
(21:00):
that art project?
What were they making withpaper.
And it's amazing kids.
When you ask them a questionthat they know the answer to
from their memory, which againis the same part of their brain
that's active when they'refighting they will oftentimes go
like oh okay, like we're makingdecorations, that's what
(21:21):
they're making yesterday, Makingdecorations.
They are making decorations forthe 4th of July with paper,
with red paper and white paper.
What was the other kind ofpaper there?
You know, if he's stillfighting, what was the other
kind of paper?
Pink?
Yeah, it was blue.
He calls everything pink,doesn't really like colors.
My other kid, by this agealmost no verbalization could
(21:46):
identify every color.
All kids are different.
Yeah, it was blue, it was bluepaper.
And then, after they diddecorations, you see how I'm
telling the story.
It's calm, soothing.
Then Liam went to look for hisbrother, matt.
Matt was next door playing, andthen Matt got home and they ate
(22:08):
a snack and I'm not going tomake you sit through, I'll put
you to sleep, because that's allthese stories are designed to
do.
But then, going through eachthing and here's the key they
know the characters.
Even more important, they knowthe plot.
You are putting into languagetheir experience and so you're
(22:30):
activating the learning part oftheir brain.
You're saying hey, you've beenlearning all day, you've been
learning all this new stuff,let's recap the learning.
And in the process of recappingthe learning, and in the
process of recapping thelearning, they actually decide
oh, this is time, like I can,I've done learning, I don't need
to keep learning, I canactually go to sleep now.
So, as you're talking to themin the soothing voice which
(22:58):
parents voice, children canrelease melatonin, oxytocin
makes them feel kind of sleepyand whatever.
So you're doing that.
You're using your voice, whichis a very powerful tool that you
have.
You're telling stories, whichis engaging their limbic system
and regulating it down.
You're activating theirprefrontal cortex, which is
helping them to listen and puttheir story, their memories,
into language, which issimultaneously then regulating
down their emotional center.
(23:18):
It's engaging theirparasympathetic nervous system,
which is the part regulatingdown their emotional center.
It's engaging theirparasympathetic nervous system,
which is the part of their bodyI mean you can do this while you
can like rub their back whileyou're doing this that's kind of
another bonus way to do thisthat engages the vagus nerve,
which then, in turn, activatesthe parasympathetic nervous
(23:39):
system, which basically providesantidote hormone to cortisol
and epinephrine or adrenalinethat's being pumped into your
child's body because they'reresisting, resisting, resisting
bedtime.
So, like, as you're doing this,you're just like slowly moving
them towards okay, and it'sgoing to be like.
Then he went upstairs with dadand he said no, I don't want to
(24:01):
go to sleep.
And you don't have to tell thispart of the story.
I actually do, because I findthat it's helpful.
But some kids, like, as soon asyou mentioned that they didn't
want to go to sleep, they'lljust fly off the handle.
You're going to have to try itand find out for yourself with
your own kid.
No, I don't want to go to sleep.
But then dad said I'm going totell you a story.
And then Liam closed his eyesand he laid on his pillow and he
(24:22):
felt how warm it was and how hehad a blanket over him and he
knew that it was time to go tosleep so that his brain could
grow and it could get clean andit would like, and you can say
all the things and all thereasons that I'm about to tell
you, because we're close to theend of the episode and this will
literally move them into astate of mind where their body
(24:45):
begins to say, okay, we'reactivating the memory circuits,
which are also the circuits thatare going to be active in the
first moments of sleep tocategorize the information that
we're receiving.
So, as you do this, you'reactually moving them towards
sleep from a neurological andneuro perspective, from a brain
(25:06):
perspective, this hack is movingthem towards the activity that
their brain will do the secondthat they fall asleep anyway as
kids which is that thehippocampus, which is a
structure in your brain thehippocampus being part of the
limbic system, which we'vetalked a lot about today is
categorizing the information,creating a narrative out of the
(25:26):
sensory information of that theytook in that day, moving
short-term memory into storedmemory, long-term memory, and
kind of wiping out theshort-term memory, kind of
clearing the desktop, organizingeverything into the folders
where it goes and clearing thedesktop from the clutter.
(25:47):
That's what their brain isdoing at the early stages of
sleep.
And so, as you do this, you'reactually kind of telling them
like, hey, this is what you're,you're telling their brain,
you're speaking almost directlyto the brain.
This is what we're going to donow.
We're going to start working oncategorizing this information.
So here's why this is reallyimportant and I'm going to give
you as quickly as I can, boom,boom, boom, three things,
(26:09):
because I think this ismassively helpful for numerous
reasons.
Thing number one let's talkspecifically about why kids need
sleep.
So sleep is one of probably themost greatest predictors of
long-term physical, mental,emotional health for kids.
If your kid is not gettingadequate sleep, if you're not
(26:31):
helping them to get the adequatesleep that they need, your kid
is not going to be regulated,happy, able to learn all of
these things.
So kids who don't get enoughsleep struggle in school.
I'm not saying that school isthe end metric, but if school is
an indicator that they'restruggling to learn, well, we
got to take notice right.
So school, struggling schoolthey struggle to perform
(26:51):
athletically.
If that matters to you, itprobably matters to your kid.
If they're a little bit olderseven, eight, nine that's where
you really run into sleepproblems.
And then in teenage years youreally run into sleep problems
right, when you don't have allof the say that you once had.
They really struggle in all ofthese different facets of their
life and that is because sleepis the great equalizer for the
brain.
They struggle with anxiety.
They can struggle more withdepression People.
(27:12):
Obviously depression andanxiety can cause insomnia,
which then compounds the impactand in fact, I think if you look
at chronic difficulty to sleep,this is linked to some of the
worst mental health and physicalhealth outcomes, like the
inability to be able to sleep isone of the most debilitating
things.
Just ask anybody with chronicsleep issues.
(27:34):
One of the most debilitatingthings.
People really fall into allsorts of bad situations from
this.
So, number one your kid needssleep because it's massively
important to their developmentand then I'll say that too,
their growth Growth is obviouslywhat your kid is doing.
When they're a kid, they'regrowing.
They do a ton of growth whenthey're sleeping.
(27:55):
Sleep also what we know fromresearch.
It has been proven over andover.
Sleep is the time when yourchild again categorizes memories
and and moves short-term memoryinto long-term memory so it can
help them retain, it can helpthem have better memory.
The better sleep that they get.
It also cleans their brain.
So I've said that in passing.
I tell my kids, all my kids,that and it is the the like.
(28:18):
That's another sleep hack man.
Just tell your kids that theirbrain gets clean while they're
sleeping and they're just likelet me go to sleep right now,
like literally what happens whenyou sleep.
What we know is that we haveneurotoxins that build up in our
brain Like that's just part oflife, right, it's just part of
being in the world.
Like you get toxins in yourbody.
People can try and limit thatand limit that and limit that.
Definitely people who live inlike high chemical environments,
(28:40):
who are exposed to lead andother dangerous things, like
they are going to have more forsure.
But what we know is that duringsleep, your brain literally
cleans itself.
It takes the neurotoxins, likeit flushes your brain from
neurotoxins and pushes those outof your brain into different
filtering parts of your body.
That can, that can then filterthose out and then you can, you
(29:01):
know, get rid of them throughwhatever means urination,
defecation, whatever and so, asthat happens, like your body is
actually removing neurotoxins,and so that's one of the things
that your kids need to know.
They're like that's whathappens to sleep.
So sleep is massively importantfor kids.
That's number one.
Number two, what we know fromresearchers, social scientists,
(29:22):
actually what they're, what arecalled affective behavioral
neuroscientists or affectiveneuroscientists like Jock
Pengstaff that actually, if youwant to really connect deeply
with your child, one of the keytimes to do that where you get a
high return on your investmentof your time, is right before
your kid falls asleep.
So many parents get into thisbedtime trauma, struggle, thing
(29:42):
where they're just fighting andfighting and fighting with their
kid every single night atbedtime.
Doing a hack like this whereyou turn bedtime into a positive
experience for your child,actually pays so many dividends
on the backend.
So so what he was able to showwas that the time that parents
spend with their kids rightbefore bed, right before nap,
right after your kid wakes up,so like things around sleep, but
(30:05):
also things around transition,so another time that can work,
especially if you have a kid whodoesn't nap.
They're older, it's like rightwhen they come back home is that
these reconnection points arelike super charged for
attachment, and so parents likeyou can imagine it this way like
you could spend hours and hourswith your kid, engaging with
them, playing with them, andthat's all really great for
(30:25):
attachment.
But actually what's even moreeffective than that is to just
spend the intentional time atbedtime, to like just do bedtime
really well, to really reallyprioritize this, and so if
you're a parent who's a littlebit worried, like, ah, I mean, I
work a lot or I travel orwhatever, and I'm worried that
my child's not gonna be attachedto me like, do bedtime, like be
the parent who makes bedtime apositive experience.
(30:47):
Cuddle with your kids, sit withyour kids, read to your kids,
tell your kids the story oftheir day Massively, massively
helpful, because it actually isthe time of, like, supercharged
attachment.
And then the last piece of thisand I think that this is also
massively important is thatthrough this regardless of sleep
so, like, let's separate outsleep One of the most compelling
(31:08):
and powerful things you can dofor your child's
neurodevelopment is to help themto tell the story of what
happened to them that day, toput the story into words.
Well, what's one of the primaryways that we teach kids anything
?
By modeling.
So all that to say when it'stime for bed.
You have this invaluableopportunity to employ a hack
(31:30):
like this, whether you're usinga bedtime routine or not, by the
way, you can also justimplement this into your bedtime
routine.
Do this every single night.
Great, it'll still work.
It doesn't have to be like oh,break glass in case of emergency
, it's not going to stop working, like, but you have an
opportunity to actually modelfor your kid memory.
This is how I put my experiencesinto words.
(31:52):
And other than sleep, which isa massive predictor of mental,
emotional, physical health, andattachment, which is a massive
predictor of mental, emotional,physical health and relational
health, you know what else is amassive predictor of mental,
emotional, physical health andrelational health?
You know what else is a massivepredictor of mental, emotional,
physical health and resilience?
The ability to narrativize,that is, to put into words one's
(32:13):
own experiences.
This is how talk therapy works.
This is how most protocols forPTSD work.
The ability to put yournarrative, your story, into
language, thereby connecting theemotional and memory sense,
memory, information to logicalprocessing.
And language is one of the waysthat you make sense out of the
(32:36):
world.
And so, with anxiety anddepression on all time highs,
especially in adolescence,what's the prescription?
Teach your child to be able tonarrativize their experience.
How do we do that with littlekids who probably aren't really
able?
Well, we can do exactly whatwe're saying here.
Bonus points you do it twotimes a day.
(32:57):
You can do this at lunchtime.
Go through their whole morningbefore their nap, and in those
times you might not be trying towind them down.
Ask them a bunch of questions,but at bedtime, you don't
necessarily need to ask them abunch of questions, you're just
modeling for them.
Here's how we're going to putthe story of your day into
language and into acomprehensive narrative that you
(33:17):
can draw on later.
It's incredibly powerful.
Totally beside the point ofbedtime, this becomes a tool for
long-term physical, mental andemotional health.
So, as we conclude this episode,this has been an episode all
about this hack telling yourkids a bedtime story which is
just actually not made up.
It's just the story of theirday.
The reason that this works isbecause when your child is
(33:38):
escalated, especially, but allthe time at bedtime, you are
trying to integrate theemotional part of their brain,
the limbic system, with theirneocortex, the language center,
as well as the logical thinking,processing, moral thinking,
long-term thinking, et cetera,introspective awareness,
metacognition, just throwing outa big bunch of big words.
Now you're trying to connectthose things together, and one
(33:59):
of the ways in which you can dothat is by helping them to
narrativize, tell the story oftheir day.
And so when you, when it comesto bedtime, especially if you
have a kid who's resistingbedtime, who's fighting bedtime,
no, bedtime.
I don't want to do bedtime,especially if it's one of those
days when you've missed yourbedtime routine for whatever
reason doesn't make you a badparent.
Sometimes it just happens.
Sometimes you have toprioritize something for a
(34:20):
different kid.
That's what we're doing rightnow Got to prioritize
relationships.
Sometimes for theseven-year-old, he's got to take
a lot of backseat to the needsof his little brothers.
Sometimes their needs are goingto take a backseat to him.
That's just part of life, andso bad time gets hairy.
Use this hack Sit down with yourkid Calmly.
Tell them the story of theirday.
If they're resisting, ask themquestions.
(34:41):
Help them to participate in thestory.
Then, once they stop resisting,just tell them the story, calm,
peaceful voice.
Put a hand on them.
If you want to release a littlebit of extra oxytocin into
their bloodstream at this time,right, put a hand on them.
Help them to calm down.
Tell them the story of your dayvery calmly and then, as as as
(35:01):
you go through this process,you're going to have so many
external benefits.
Your kid's going to sleepbetter, which is better for them
.
You're going to have a betterattachment relationship with
them when, during the premierattachment time of the day,
you're not fighting with themevery single day, and then
you're also going to help themlong-term physical, mental,
emotional health by teachingthem to narrativize their story.
Okay, I've gone way, way toolong in this episode.
(35:22):
I wanted this episode to be 15minutes.
This episode is going to belike half an hour, 45 minutes.
I don't even know yet.
I'll have to edit it and findout.
But if you, if you like thispodcast, if you want to learn
more hacks, if you want to, youknow help.
If you're a parent who, onwhatever podcast platform,
please share this y'all.
(35:43):
This podcast gets out to acouple thousand parents.
I would like to see thispodcast become as big as the
social media platforms that I'mon, and why?
Because I think this is thebest way to consume the
information.
One minute videos yeah, they'regreat, but I can't get into the
depth that I get into here andI think that it really matters.
I think that you're way morelikely to do it if you
understand it, and so share thiswith parents in your life.
(36:04):
If you have a parent in yourlife who's just like, oh man, my
kid's not going to bed, hey,here's the resource.
You get to be a hero today.
You get to show them thispodcast and then they're gonna
do this and be like oh, 25, 28,29 episodes.
You know we'll go through allof them, so so share this with
somebody.
Make sure that you let me knowalso the reviews, apple or
(36:29):
Spotify whether you're listeningon Apple or Spotify, please let
me know.
Hey, I really enjoy this.
You can always message me.
There's actually a link to textme directly to me in the in the
show notes as well.
But yeah, until next time.
This has been the whole parentpodcast.
I really hope this helped youparent better today.
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