January 30, 2025 • 25 mins
Get your own copy of the audiobook HERE
What do we do when we mess up as parents?
In this Episode of the Whole Parent Podcast, I read a long section from the Chapter on Repair from my brand new book Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice.
Every parent has moments they wish they could take back. Maybe it’s the sharp tone, the overreaction, or the moment frustration boiled over. But what happens next matters even more than the mistake itself. In this key section from my book, Punishment-Free Parenting, all about reconciliation and repair—how to rebuild trust, reconnect with your child, and model emotional responsibility.
Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up, even after we mess up.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
✔️ Why mistakes are inevitable in parenting—and why that’s okay
✔️ How rupture and repair strengthen your relationship with your child
✔️ A step-by-step approach to making things right after a parenting misstep
✔️ The power of modeling apologies and accountability for your kids
✔️ Why repair isn’t just about saying sorry—it’s about rebuilding trust
Key Takeaways:
- Rupture is normal. Repair is what builds resilience.
- Apologizing to your child teaches them how to take responsibility for their own actions.
- Connection, not control, is what makes discipline truly effective.
- It’s never too late to make things right.
Resources & Links:
📖 Punishment-Free Parenting
📩 Join the Whole Parent Newsletter for weekly parenting insights – CLICK HERE
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jon @wholeparent (00:00):
Welcome to the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
There's this moment that Ithink about a lot.
Maybe you have some version ofit too.
It's late one night wherebedtime had somehow stretched
into an eternity.
My oldest was four at the time,which means that his little
brother, my second oldest, wouldhave been basically a newborn,
(00:21):
and because of that I think wewere trying to get him to kind
of go to bed independently,without the need for us being in
the room with him, which hasbeen a struggle for him for a
long time.
It's only something that we'vereally been able to tackle
recently, and even still to thisday.
There are nights when it can bea challenge, and I don't exactly
remember how it went, but hewas pushing back.
You know we wanted more wateror the blanket wasn't right, it
(00:43):
was too dark, it was too lightand I had been really patient.
At first I had used all of mywhole parent techniques although
I didn't call them that backthen because whole parent hadn't
been started.
You know I used the calm voice,the deep breathing.
But patience for all of us hasa limit and when you have a
newborn, that limit tends to bea little bit quicker maybe than
(01:04):
you'd like.
At some point I snapped.
I don't even remember exactlywhat I said, but it was harsh,
really harsh.
But I remember his face how itkind of crumpled in on itself
and his eyes got real wide.
He had this Star Wars quiltthat he like pulled up over
(01:25):
himself and as scared as he wasof the dark and of being left
alone, in that moment he wasactually more scared of me.
I don't think he came out againthat night, which some parents
might consider a win, but Ididn't.
I just remember this weight onmy chest felt like I was being
crushed by my own guilt.
(01:47):
That was exactly the oppositeof the parent that I wanted to
be.
That was the worst of what myparents who by and large did a
pretty good job had been.
Here's the thing In my yearsworking with parents, what I've
learned is that no one parentsperfectly.
In my years working withparents, what I've learned is
(02:07):
that no one parents perfectly.
All of those experts that youhear about the psychologists and
psychiatrists who writeparenting books and have
podcasts and are famous onsocial media they screw up too.
We all have these moments whenwe wish that we could go back
the yelling, the punishment, theexasperated sigh, that sharp
comment that lands way heavierthan we meant it to.
And yet so many of us grew upin homes where parental mistakes
(02:31):
just weren't acknowledged, letalone repaired.
Parents didn't apologize, andwhen they did, they used what I
call in the book Trojanapologies Apologies weaponized,
designed to teach a lessonrather than build connection.
For many parents today, whenthey were kids, there were no
do-overs, no moments ofreconciliation and repair.
(02:51):
When a parent screwed up, therewas no acknowledgement.
You just moved on.
But the thing is, what researchtells us is that parenting
doesn't work well like that.
Relationships don't work welllike that, because rupture in
relationships is inevitable.
But repair, repair is where thereal work of parenting happens.
(03:14):
On this episode of the wholeparent podcast, we're talking
about what we do when we don'tdo our best parenting.
How do we rebuild trust?
How do we show our kids thatlove isn't about perfection or
achievements or accomplishments.
It's about showing up even whenwe've messed up.
And today's episode is going tobe a little bit different.
Rather than writing an episodeon this topic, I'm actually
(03:37):
going to share with you a10-minute segment from the
chapter on reconciliation andrepair in my new book, or rather
audiobook Punishment-FreeParenting.
Most of the time that you heara chapter of an audio book or a
section of a chapter of an audiobook on an author's podcast,
they usually start with chapterone, but I actually don't think
that that's the most helpfultool for you as a listener.
(03:59):
I think this section onreconciliation and repair is the
perfect place to get a taste ofwhat the book is like.
And if you wind up nevergetting the book, never
listening to the whole thing orreading the whole thing, this is
the section that I really wantyou to internalize.
It's the section that changedme while I wrote it, because if
there's one thing that I need toremember so that I can pass
(04:22):
that on to my kids, it's this.
Love doesn't mean never gettingit wrong.
Love means making it right whenyou do.
Oh, and one thing the way thataudiobooks are recorded.
You might want to speed this upto like 1.25 speed.
It tends to be a little bitslower than the way that I
record the podcast.
(04:45):
Chapter 8.
Repair and Reconciliation.
Reconciliation does not meanforgetting or trying to bury the
pain of conflict.
Reconciliation means workingtogether to correct the legacy
of past injustice.
Nelson Mandela, what do we dowhen we don't act like the
(05:10):
parents we hope to be?
What do we do when our impulsesget the best of us, when we
lash out and punish or otherwisefail to live up to the
unachievable perfect standard ofparenting we see on social
media and read about inparenting books?
What can we do when weinevitably make mistakes?
(05:30):
The answer we've establishedcannot be to punish ourselves
for those mistakes.
Punishing yourself is no moreeffective than punishing your
kids.
Neither brings positive results.
Instead, we have to learn toreconcile and repair what we
rupture, being willing to extendto ourselves the same grace and
(05:51):
forgiveness that we aspire toextend to our children.
After all, we cannot give toour kids what we have not first
learned to give to ourselves.
The uncomfortable truth is we,like our children, are all still
very much works in progress.
We're all still learning andgrowing.
I'm no exception.
(06:13):
If many of you saw me parentingon my worst days out in public,
you would never guess that Iwrote this book.
All of us have days when wefall short of our own standards
of parenting.
All of us have days when wefall short of our own standards
of parenting.
All of us will have momentswhen we let the way that we were
(06:34):
conditioned rather than ourvalues run the way that we react
, and as uncomfortable as it maybe to accept, that is okay.
You are not defined by yourworst parenting moments.
This is the first and oftenmost difficult hurdle for those
of us raised in punishmentparadigms to get over.
Many of you, having made it thisfar in this audiobook, are
hoping to kick punishment to thecurb for good.
(06:55):
You now realize that ensuringyour child feels bad enough has
little to do with growth orlearning.
Feeling ashamed and afraid isnot the key to moral development
or empathetic connection withpeers or the world.
Unkindness does not teach oneto be kind.
Disrespect does not teach oneto be respectful.
(07:19):
The question is can you believethat about yourself?
Too Many of us are our ownworst critics.
When we mess up, we get down onourselves mercilessly, shaming
and punishing ourselves for ourmistakes and actions.
Because we were raised onpunishment.
This self-flagellation feelsnecessary for change.
(07:40):
We believe we must makeourselves feel bad enough to
inspire ourselves to change.
I urge you stop.
Stop believing that.
Stop believing in the myth ofpunishment, even where it
concerns you.
Punishing yourself has nothingto do with creating positive,
lasting change.
(08:00):
That myth is just the meaningyou had to make out of the
painful memory of experiencingpunishment at the hands of the
people you most loved.
You will make mistakes, andbeating yourself up as penance
will not help you become theparent that you so desperately
desire to be for your kids.
The relentless pursuit toachieve parenting perfection is
(08:21):
not good for us.
All it proves is that we haveyet to deconstruct the
punishment paradigm where itconcerns ourselves.
In truth, as hard as you mighttry, there is no avoiding all
the mistakes in the game ofparenting, and the good news is,
even if we somehow could, beingthe perfect parent wouldn't be
(08:42):
good for your kids either.
As we've talked aboutthroughout this book, kids learn
as much or more from observinghow we exist in the world as
anything else.
This is why it's impossible tobecome the parent you long to be
without first learning how toreparent yourself.
If you can't live theprinciples and values that
you're trying to instill in yourchildren, there is just no way
(09:05):
to effectively instill thosevalues in any lasting way.
It is perhaps this, above allelse, that makes parenting the
single hardest and yet mostrewarding thing that most of us
will ever do.
That said, the moments when youmess up and fail to live into
your parenting values are,ironically, some of the most
(09:26):
potentially positive andtransformative parenting
experiences you'll ever have.
When we learn to embracemistakes as opportunities for
growth and learning and shepherdour children to do the same,
the results can be astonishing.
This is called adopting agrowth mindset.
The term growth mindset coinedby Dr Carol Dweck in her book
(09:47):
Mindset, the New Psychology ofSuccess, is at its core the
choice to believe thatintelligence and skills are not
fixed qualities.
A person, through intentionalhard work and perseverance, can
grow beyond their currentcapacity, especially by
embracing failure, challenges,mistakes and setbacks and
choosing, in spite of those, tocontinue to grow.
(10:09):
Fixed mindset is exactly theopposite.
It's choosing to believe thatskills and intelligence are
inherent, fixed qualities.
To be clear, many peoplemistake just trying harder with
having a growth mindset.
This is far from the truth.
A growth mindset is less abouttrying hard and more about how
you view your mistakes andsetbacks.
(10:31):
The people I've worked with whohave a fixed mindset close to
50%, if not more don't reallybelieve that they have the
capacity to grow from theirmistakes and failures and
therefore get down on themselveswhenever they inevitably make a
mistake.
Mistakes in the view of someonewith a fixed mindset, are
evidence of character flaws, notopportunities to learn.
(10:54):
Those with fixed mindsets are,intentionally or not, choosing
to contradict what we know aboutthe brain's ability to change
and adapt neuroplasticity andare often on a trajectory
towards the pitfall ofperfectionism that we discussed
earlier.
It's not entirely surprisingthat many parents today struggle
with having a perfectionist orfixed mindset around parenting.
(11:15):
One of the hallmarks of 1980sand 1990s parenting was the rise
of near-constant supervisionand assessment.
Many of us were constantlywatched and assessed in every
aspect of life, from sports toacademics and even artistic
expression.
As far as academics isconcerned, there has perhaps
never been a more testedgeneration than millennials.
(11:37):
From the popularization of theSAT and ACT in the mid-20th
century to no Child Left Behind,which passed in 2001, most
millennials, at least in theUnited States, took far more
standardized tests than theirparents or grandparents.
Moreover, no Child put theburden on schools and teachers,
who could see the consequences,up to having their school closed
(11:59):
as a result of their students'poor performance on standardized
tests.
The result for many of us andthe generations since was the
standardization of curriculumand the increased emphasis on
doing things quote the right way, creativity and nonlinear
thinking became secondary toobedience and compliance to the
way that we were being taught.
(12:20):
Today, valuing mistakes andfailure as learning
opportunities is foreign to somany children and parents.
But if we can break free ofthat fixed way of thinking, the
resulting change can beunimaginable.
Some years ago, I had theopportunity to coach a girls'
volleyball team andinadvertently wound up employing
(12:41):
this mindset.
They were high school freshmenand they were, let's just say,
not great.
These girls had tried out andbeen placed on the C team, where
their coach was also not great.
About halfway through the yearhe was fired because of some
personal issues and I wasbrought in.
They had yet to win a singlegame.
(13:03):
The club director pulled measide to tell me that she didn't
expect or even care about theirsuccess, team or individual.
None of these girls were onscholarship and the C team cost
a lot less to run than itbrought in in club dues.
She implied that these girlswere never going to be any good.
They were just there to keepthe lights on for the one or two
(13:24):
players at the top who wouldgrow six inches and play at
Northwestern.
Fixed mindset, given that I hadjust begun to learn about growth
mindset, though in not suchclear terms, and that one of my
abiding core beliefs in life isthat it's never too late.
I took this as a challenge.
The thing I noticed immediatelywas that these girls were
(13:45):
terrified of making mistakes.
If they hit a ball into the netor served one out, even in
practice, they would look at meand apologize.
All eight of them were far moreconcerned with what their coach
, their authority figure,thought of them than having fun,
getting better or even winninga game.
So I instituted a new policyCoach doesn't care about
(14:06):
mistakes.
I never subbed a girl out orcalled a timeout to criticize
them for making mistakes or evena series of mistakes, which was
basically the standard practicefor volleyball coaches at all
levels.
Instead, I reframed everythingas a learning experience Growth
mindset instead of fixed mindset.
I also began to model whathealthy processing mistakes
(14:29):
looked like.
If I chose to start in acertain defensive position that
hurt us, I would explain that itwas my mistake and that I now
know better.
If I asked a girl to play aposition or take on a task that
she was uncomfortable orunfamiliar with, I would take
accountability If I used all ofmy timeouts and didn't have one
(14:49):
when we really needed it.
I would own it If you justchecked down to your podcast to
see if you just accidentallypaused.
You didn't.
That was it.
That was the clip that theygave me to share with you, a
clip that ended not only in themiddle of a section of Chapter 8
(15:09):
, it ended in the middle of astory.
Unfortunately, according to thepolicies of the owner of the
audio recording, they can onlyshare a maximum of 10 minutes of
the audio recording for free.
Luckily for you, while they ownthe audio recording, they don't
retain the copyright of thewords in the book.
The words in the book stillbelong to me.
(15:33):
It's basically the same thingas what Taylor Swift has been
going through for the lastdecade.
Someone else owns the masterrecordings of her original
albums, but she still owns thesongs themselves, which means
that she can re-record those onwhat we're seeing as the
Taylor's versions of all ofthose albums and re-release them
(15:54):
or give them away for free, orput them up on a podcast if she
wanted to.
They belong to her.
And so, picking up from themiddle of page 144, in the
middle of chapter 8, in themiddle of the section titled the
Power of Mistakes.
In the middle of a story aboutme being a volleyball coach and
implementing some of theparenting techniques that I am
(16:16):
trying to teach you in this book, here is Punishment-Free
Parenting John's version.
Soon, the girls started tomirror what I was modeling.
When they made mistakes on thecourt, they might say something
like I could feel that in myshoulders weren't squared up.
That's why I missed or I missedthat serve long, because I got
(16:36):
greedy.
Over the next few weeks, eachof them began to trust their own
ability to critically think,problem solve and make
adjustments.
Most importantly, they stoppedtrying to make me happy and
began to lean on their owninternal assessment of their
performance.
As a result, they made stridesin performance well beyond what
anyone had expected.
They even started to win, andnot just a little.
(16:59):
Our season culminated in asecond place tournament finish,
including winning a hard foughtmatch against the B team girls
that had been picked over themat tryouts only a month or so
before I had simply startedoffering them the freedom to
stop caring so much about what I, the coach, thought.
If this was a Disney movie, youwould have chalked it up to them
having more fun, or you'd see atraining montage where they
(17:21):
learn that defense is moreimportant than offense.
But it was actually much deeperthan that.
Their success was born fromtheir own mindset shift to trust
their own perspective andexperience and to use it to
innovate and think criticallyinstead of defaulting to
obedience to the adult in theroom.
I was let go two weeks laterwhen the C-team was disbanded
(17:42):
and the girls were pulled up tothe higher level teams.
Those teams had started tostruggle down the stretch and
the C-team girls were soconfident, optimistic and,
inexplicably, somehow now sotalented that it became evident
that their presence on the morecompetitive teams would be a
huge boost and it was Now.
I'm not saying that this isalways going to be the case.
You're not always going to seemassive competitive, academic or
(18:04):
achievement-based improvementswhen you start to empower your
kids to move outside of a fixedmindset, but should that really
be the goal anyway?
These are the mindsets andneural pathways that lead to
incredible lifelong resilience.
What many parents seem to failto grasp is that resilience,
self-esteem and a willingness tomake mistakes and learn from
them are far more important thana perfect SAT score or making
(18:28):
the varsity team when our kidsare 16.
The goal for our kids andourselves should be growth, not
perfection.
Good enough parenting.
Growth, not perfection.
Good enough parenting.
Ever heard the aphorism perfectis the enemy of good?
It's especially true inparenting, as we already talked
about in the chapter on modeling.
Perfection and even strivingfor perfection in parenting is
(18:55):
self-destructive.
It's not good for you, it's notgood for your kids and it leads
itself to the exact antithesisof growth that we should be
prioritizing.
That's not to say that weshouldn't try to improve as
parents.
In fact, I doubt you would belistening to this right now if
you were totally uninterested intrying to improve as a parent.
We just have to remember in theprocess that our goal is not
perfection, but good enoughparenting.
(19:15):
Good enough parenting looks likegiving yourself a break when
you don't do things perfectlyall the time.
Some days you're going to watchtwo or five extra episodes of
Bluey.
Other days you'll reflect afterbedtime and realize that your
kids ate nothing but granolabars all day.
Still others you'll realizethat you've been missing out on
that one-on-one time with yourmiddle child for the last two
weeks.
In fact, typing this right now,I'm not exactly sure when the
(19:40):
last time is that I gave myoldest a bath, pretty sure last
week, tonight, I guess, actuallyreading this right now, I don't
know when the last time was.
I guess that'll have to betonight too.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, and what about theparenting tips that you've read
about in this book or otherbooks or seen on social media?
So many of us are convinced thatif we don't have the right
discipline script, or if wepraise our children in the wrong
(20:02):
way, or if we don't perfectlyco-regulate, the next time they
have big feelings and snap andjust yell at them instead, our
mistakes are going to havelifelong consequences.
The truth is, none of thesethings, according to research,
is actually going to lead toirrevocable harm for our
children or their attachment toyou as their caregiver.
In fact, according to researchinto secure attachment in
(20:24):
childhood, caregivers only needto be quote in sync and attuned
to their children's emotionsabout 30% of the time to achieve
secure attachment Only 30%.
I go with the advice from mydear friend, dr Aliza Pressman,
who offers us that, if we canlive into our parenting ideals
more often than not, we are goodenough parents.
(20:45):
I just want to take a moment totell you, as you're listening
to this, that I don't thinkyou're just a good enough parent
.
I actually think you're a trulygreat parent.
The things we're covering arenot easy.
If you apply even 20% of whatI've said in this book so far
and apologize when you don't,you're going to raise resilient,
compassionate and whole people.
So if you're worried that youdon't measure up to what you see
(21:08):
on social media or theexpectations of the parenting
experts, just know you alreadyfar exceed my expectations for
the simple fact that you've madeit this far.
You've got this.
I believe in you.
I am not going to read the restof the chapter because it goes
(21:29):
on for quite some time.
I talk about apologizing, thepower of apologizing correctly.
What else do I talk about?
Oh, I have this whole thingabout Trojan apologies.
Maybe I'll read that section,maybe I'll read that.
And then, yeah, and then I goon reconciliation repair.
Then I tell a story about thefailure relationship paradox,
how, actually, when we screw up,those are the times when we can
(21:50):
develop the deepest connection.
But I'll just read you the cutthe butt section.
I think that that's a reallygood section.
This is like one of my maintakeaways from a couple of
people who have read the bookand had me on podcast.
They said this is like one ofthe best parts, so I don't want
you to miss out on that.
Anyway, I'm skipping, skipping.
I kind of feel like the grandpain a princess bride, if you
guys know what I'm talking about.
(22:10):
Anyway, here we go, cut thebutt.
Page 151.
Page 151.
Many parents, both in thecurrent generation and past
generations, use apologies asTrojan horses for lectures,
shame or otherwise, attemptingto teach their children.
Usually it goes something likethis I'm sorry I yelled at you,
but you really need to be morediligent about getting your
(22:32):
schoolwork in on time.
If you continue to not get yourwork in, your grades are going
to suffer and you're not going.
Or I'm sorry I slapped you fortalking back, but you really
need to learn when to stop.
You just make me so madsometimes.
Do you see how neither of theseexamples are really apologies?
Sure, they use the right wordsat the beginning to sound like
(22:54):
an apology, but ultimatelythey're not about taking
accountability or responsibilityfor their harmful actions and
seeking to repair with theirchild.
These are Trojan horseapologies Manipulative,
rhetorical judo intended tolower the defenses of a child
and open them up to receivingparental judgment and correction
.
I doubt most parents have anyidea that they're even doing
(23:15):
this.
I sure didn't, but I can tellyou now that my factory default
instincts are to include a butin the overwhelming majority of
apologies that I offer to mykids.
It's a habit that I'm workingdiligently to break.
The other issue with these butapologies is that they often
blame a parent's emotionalresponse on the actions of their
children.
As we talked about in chapter 7, all of us have the ability to
(23:39):
stop and reflect before actingon our impulses.
This means that, regardless ofhow your kids have triggered you
, you still have the capacity tonot react emotionally.
Of course you will still loseyour cool sometimes, as I just
demonstrated, but you alwaysretain the agency not to lose it
.
This is empowering if you letit be, and it means, if you're
(24:01):
thinking about blaming your kidfor your own emotional reactions
to their behaviors, rememberthis one's ultimately on you.
If you find yourself in themidst of an apology and you have
the overwhelming urge to saybut just end the sentence, shut
your mouth.
In other words, cut the but.
It's a unique feature of theEnglish language that anytime
(24:22):
you're about to use but you'vealready constructed a coherent
sentence, so quit while you'reahead.
The word but too often eraseseverything that came before it,
quickly turning apologies intoassaults.
Thank you so much for listeningto the whole parent podcast.
Make sure that you subscribe tothe podcast wherever you're
(24:43):
listening to it.
I'd love to read a review.
Rate it five stars so that itcan get out to more parents.
And, better than that, sharethis episode with a friend who
might benefit from the book thatI wrote that came out this week
Punishment-Free Parenting theBrain-Based Way to Raise Kids
Without Raising your Voice.
If you enjoyed this part of theaudiobook, I know that you are
(25:04):
going to enjoy the rest of theaudiobook.
I've already heard from a tonof parents, just like you, who
got it on the first day and haveabsolutely devoured it.
In fact, one of them lives withme.
My wife hasn't picked up thebook yet, but she's about
halfway through the audiobook,because this is one of the best
ways to consume this information.
Best of luck to you on yourparenting journey, and if
(25:27):
there's one thing that I hopethat you take away from this
episode of the podcast, it'sthat the best parents are not
the ones who are perfect.
They're not the ones who don'tmake mistakes.
In fact, those parents, frankly, just do not exist.
The best parents are theparents who are willing to
acknowledge their mistakes andseek reconciliation and repair,
and that means your best isalways enough.
(25:50):
Catch you next week.
Welcome to the Whole Parent Podcast.
My name is John.
There's this moment that Ithink about a lot.
Maybe you have some version ofit too.
It's late one night wherebedtime had somehow stretched
into an eternity.
My oldest was four at the time,which means that his little
brother, my second oldest, wouldhave been basically a newborn,
(00:21):
and because of that I think wewere trying to get him to kind
of go to bed independently,without the need for us being in
the room with him, which hasbeen a struggle for him for a
long time.
It's only something that we'vereally been able to tackle
recently, and even still to thisday.
There are nights when it can bea challenge, and I don't exactly
remember how it went, but hewas pushing back.
You know we wanted more wateror the blanket wasn't right, it
(00:43):
was too dark, it was too lightand I had been really patient.
At first I had used all of mywhole parent techniques although
I didn't call them that backthen because whole parent hadn't
been started.
You know I used the calm voice,the deep breathing.
But patience for all of us hasa limit and when you have a
newborn, that limit tends to bea little bit quicker maybe than
(01:04):
you'd like.
At some point I snapped.
I don't even remember exactlywhat I said, but it was harsh,
really harsh.
But I remember his face how itkind of crumpled in on itself
and his eyes got real wide.
He had this Star Wars quiltthat he like pulled up over
(01:25):
himself and as scared as he wasof the dark and of being left
alone, in that moment he wasactually more scared of me.
I don't think he came out againthat night, which some parents
might consider a win, but Ididn't.
I just remember this weight onmy chest felt like I was being
crushed by my own guilt.
(01:47):
That was exactly the oppositeof the parent that I wanted to
be.
That was the worst of what myparents who by and large did a
pretty good job had been.
Here's the thing In my yearsworking with parents, what I've
learned is that no one parentsperfectly.
In my years working withparents, what I've learned is
(02:07):
that no one parents perfectly.
All of those experts that youhear about the psychologists and
psychiatrists who writeparenting books and have
podcasts and are famous onsocial media they screw up too.
We all have these moments whenwe wish that we could go back
the yelling, the punishment, theexasperated sigh, that sharp
comment that lands way heavierthan we meant it to.
And yet so many of us grew upin homes where parental mistakes
(02:31):
just weren't acknowledged, letalone repaired.
Parents didn't apologize, andwhen they did, they used what I
call in the book Trojanapologies Apologies weaponized,
designed to teach a lessonrather than build connection.
For many parents today, whenthey were kids, there were no
do-overs, no moments ofreconciliation and repair.
(02:51):
When a parent screwed up, therewas no acknowledgement.
You just moved on.
But the thing is, what researchtells us is that parenting
doesn't work well like that.
Relationships don't work welllike that, because rupture in
relationships is inevitable.
But repair, repair is where thereal work of parenting happens.
(03:14):
On this episode of the wholeparent podcast, we're talking
about what we do when we don'tdo our best parenting.
How do we rebuild trust?
How do we show our kids thatlove isn't about perfection or
achievements or accomplishments.
It's about showing up even whenwe've messed up.
And today's episode is going tobe a little bit different.
Rather than writing an episodeon this topic, I'm actually
(03:37):
going to share with you a10-minute segment from the
chapter on reconciliation andrepair in my new book, or rather
audiobook Punishment-FreeParenting.
Most of the time that you heara chapter of an audio book or a
section of a chapter of an audiobook on an author's podcast,
they usually start with chapterone, but I actually don't think
that that's the most helpfultool for you as a listener.
(03:59):
I think this section onreconciliation and repair is the
perfect place to get a taste ofwhat the book is like.
And if you wind up nevergetting the book, never
listening to the whole thing orreading the whole thing, this is
the section that I really wantyou to internalize.
It's the section that changedme while I wrote it, because if
there's one thing that I need toremember so that I can pass
(04:22):
that on to my kids, it's this.
Love doesn't mean never gettingit wrong.
Love means making it right whenyou do.
Oh, and one thing the way thataudiobooks are recorded.
You might want to speed this upto like 1.25 speed.
It tends to be a little bitslower than the way that I
record the podcast.
(04:45):
Chapter 8.
Repair and Reconciliation.
Reconciliation does not meanforgetting or trying to bury the
pain of conflict.
Reconciliation means workingtogether to correct the legacy
of past injustice.
Nelson Mandela, what do we dowhen we don't act like the
(05:10):
parents we hope to be?
What do we do when our impulsesget the best of us, when we
lash out and punish or otherwisefail to live up to the
unachievable perfect standard ofparenting we see on social
media and read about inparenting books?
What can we do when weinevitably make mistakes?
(05:30):
The answer we've establishedcannot be to punish ourselves
for those mistakes.
Punishing yourself is no moreeffective than punishing your
kids.
Neither brings positive results.
Instead, we have to learn toreconcile and repair what we
rupture, being willing to extendto ourselves the same grace and
(05:51):
forgiveness that we aspire toextend to our children.
After all, we cannot give toour kids what we have not first
learned to give to ourselves.
The uncomfortable truth is we,like our children, are all still
very much works in progress.
We're all still learning andgrowing.
I'm no exception.
(06:13):
If many of you saw me parentingon my worst days out in public,
you would never guess that Iwrote this book.
All of us have days when wefall short of our own standards
of parenting.
All of us have days when wefall short of our own standards
of parenting.
All of us will have momentswhen we let the way that we were
(06:34):
conditioned rather than ourvalues run the way that we react
, and as uncomfortable as it maybe to accept, that is okay.
You are not defined by yourworst parenting moments.
This is the first and oftenmost difficult hurdle for those
of us raised in punishmentparadigms to get over.
Many of you, having made it thisfar in this audiobook, are
hoping to kick punishment to thecurb for good.
(06:55):
You now realize that ensuringyour child feels bad enough has
little to do with growth orlearning.
Feeling ashamed and afraid isnot the key to moral development
or empathetic connection withpeers or the world.
Unkindness does not teach oneto be kind.
Disrespect does not teach oneto be respectful.
(07:19):
The question is can you believethat about yourself?
Too Many of us are our ownworst critics.
When we mess up, we get down onourselves mercilessly, shaming
and punishing ourselves for ourmistakes and actions.
Because we were raised onpunishment.
This self-flagellation feelsnecessary for change.
(07:40):
We believe we must makeourselves feel bad enough to
inspire ourselves to change.
I urge you stop.
Stop believing that.
Stop believing in the myth ofpunishment, even where it
concerns you.
Punishing yourself has nothingto do with creating positive,
lasting change.
(08:00):
That myth is just the meaningyou had to make out of the
painful memory of experiencingpunishment at the hands of the
people you most loved.
You will make mistakes, andbeating yourself up as penance
will not help you become theparent that you so desperately
desire to be for your kids.
The relentless pursuit toachieve parenting perfection is
(08:21):
not good for us.
All it proves is that we haveyet to deconstruct the
punishment paradigm where itconcerns ourselves.
In truth, as hard as you mighttry, there is no avoiding all
the mistakes in the game ofparenting, and the good news is,
even if we somehow could, beingthe perfect parent wouldn't be
(08:42):
good for your kids either.
As we've talked aboutthroughout this book, kids learn
as much or more from observinghow we exist in the world as
anything else.
This is why it's impossible tobecome the parent you long to be
without first learning how toreparent yourself.
If you can't live theprinciples and values that
you're trying to instill in yourchildren, there is just no way
(09:05):
to effectively instill thosevalues in any lasting way.
It is perhaps this, above allelse, that makes parenting the
single hardest and yet mostrewarding thing that most of us
will ever do.
That said, the moments when youmess up and fail to live into
your parenting values are,ironically, some of the most
(09:26):
potentially positive andtransformative parenting
experiences you'll ever have.
When we learn to embracemistakes as opportunities for
growth and learning and shepherdour children to do the same,
the results can be astonishing.
This is called adopting agrowth mindset.
The term growth mindset coinedby Dr Carol Dweck in her book
(09:47):
Mindset, the New Psychology ofSuccess, is at its core the
choice to believe thatintelligence and skills are not
fixed qualities.
A person, through intentionalhard work and perseverance, can
grow beyond their currentcapacity, especially by
embracing failure, challenges,mistakes and setbacks and
choosing, in spite of those, tocontinue to grow.
(10:09):
Fixed mindset is exactly theopposite.
It's choosing to believe thatskills and intelligence are
inherent, fixed qualities.
To be clear, many peoplemistake just trying harder with
having a growth mindset.
This is far from the truth.
A growth mindset is less abouttrying hard and more about how
you view your mistakes andsetbacks.
(10:31):
The people I've worked with whohave a fixed mindset close to
50%, if not more don't reallybelieve that they have the
capacity to grow from theirmistakes and failures and
therefore get down on themselveswhenever they inevitably make a
mistake.
Mistakes in the view of someonewith a fixed mindset, are
evidence of character flaws, notopportunities to learn.
(10:54):
Those with fixed mindsets are,intentionally or not, choosing
to contradict what we know aboutthe brain's ability to change
and adapt neuroplasticity andare often on a trajectory
towards the pitfall ofperfectionism that we discussed
earlier.
It's not entirely surprisingthat many parents today struggle
with having a perfectionist orfixed mindset around parenting.
(11:15):
One of the hallmarks of 1980sand 1990s parenting was the rise
of near-constant supervisionand assessment.
Many of us were constantlywatched and assessed in every
aspect of life, from sports toacademics and even artistic
expression.
As far as academics isconcerned, there has perhaps
never been a more testedgeneration than millennials.
(11:37):
From the popularization of theSAT and ACT in the mid-20th
century to no Child Left Behind,which passed in 2001, most
millennials, at least in theUnited States, took far more
standardized tests than theirparents or grandparents.
Moreover, no Child put theburden on schools and teachers,
who could see the consequences,up to having their school closed
(11:59):
as a result of their students'poor performance on standardized
tests.
The result for many of us andthe generations since was the
standardization of curriculumand the increased emphasis on
doing things quote the right way, creativity and nonlinear
thinking became secondary toobedience and compliance to the
way that we were being taught.
(12:20):
Today, valuing mistakes andfailure as learning
opportunities is foreign to somany children and parents.
But if we can break free ofthat fixed way of thinking, the
resulting change can beunimaginable.
Some years ago, I had theopportunity to coach a girls'
volleyball team andinadvertently wound up employing
(12:41):
this mindset.
They were high school freshmenand they were, let's just say,
not great.
These girls had tried out andbeen placed on the C team, where
their coach was also not great.
About halfway through the yearhe was fired because of some
personal issues and I wasbrought in.
They had yet to win a singlegame.
(13:03):
The club director pulled measide to tell me that she didn't
expect or even care about theirsuccess, team or individual.
None of these girls were onscholarship and the C team cost
a lot less to run than itbrought in in club dues.
She implied that these girlswere never going to be any good.
They were just there to keepthe lights on for the one or two
(13:24):
players at the top who wouldgrow six inches and play at
Northwestern.
Fixed mindset, given that I hadjust begun to learn about growth
mindset, though in not suchclear terms, and that one of my
abiding core beliefs in life isthat it's never too late.
I took this as a challenge.
The thing I noticed immediatelywas that these girls were
(13:45):
terrified of making mistakes.
If they hit a ball into the netor served one out, even in
practice, they would look at meand apologize.
All eight of them were far moreconcerned with what their coach
, their authority figure,thought of them than having fun,
getting better or even winninga game.
So I instituted a new policyCoach doesn't care about
(14:06):
mistakes.
I never subbed a girl out orcalled a timeout to criticize
them for making mistakes or evena series of mistakes, which was
basically the standard practicefor volleyball coaches at all
levels.
Instead, I reframed everythingas a learning experience Growth
mindset instead of fixed mindset.
I also began to model whathealthy processing mistakes
(14:29):
looked like.
If I chose to start in acertain defensive position that
hurt us, I would explain that itwas my mistake and that I now
know better.
If I asked a girl to play aposition or take on a task that
she was uncomfortable orunfamiliar with, I would take
accountability If I used all ofmy timeouts and didn't have one
(14:49):
when we really needed it.
I would own it If you justchecked down to your podcast to
see if you just accidentallypaused.
You didn't.
That was it.
That was the clip that theygave me to share with you, a
clip that ended not only in themiddle of a section of Chapter 8
(15:09):
, it ended in the middle of astory.
Unfortunately, according to thepolicies of the owner of the
audio recording, they can onlyshare a maximum of 10 minutes of
the audio recording for free.
Luckily for you, while they ownthe audio recording, they don't
retain the copyright of thewords in the book.
The words in the book stillbelong to me.
(15:33):
It's basically the same thingas what Taylor Swift has been
going through for the lastdecade.
Someone else owns the masterrecordings of her original
albums, but she still owns thesongs themselves, which means
that she can re-record those onwhat we're seeing as the
Taylor's versions of all ofthose albums and re-release them
(15:54):
or give them away for free, orput them up on a podcast if she
wanted to.
They belong to her.
And so, picking up from themiddle of page 144, in the
middle of chapter 8, in themiddle of the section titled the
Power of Mistakes.
In the middle of a story aboutme being a volleyball coach and
implementing some of theparenting techniques that I am
(16:16):
trying to teach you in this book, here is Punishment-Free
Parenting John's version.
Soon, the girls started tomirror what I was modeling.
When they made mistakes on thecourt, they might say something
like I could feel that in myshoulders weren't squared up.
That's why I missed or I missedthat serve long, because I got
(16:36):
greedy.
Over the next few weeks, eachof them began to trust their own
ability to critically think,problem solve and make
adjustments.
Most importantly, they stoppedtrying to make me happy and
began to lean on their owninternal assessment of their
performance.
As a result, they made stridesin performance well beyond what
anyone had expected.
They even started to win, andnot just a little.
(16:59):
Our season culminated in asecond place tournament finish,
including winning a hard foughtmatch against the B team girls
that had been picked over themat tryouts only a month or so
before I had simply startedoffering them the freedom to
stop caring so much about what I, the coach, thought.
If this was a Disney movie, youwould have chalked it up to them
having more fun, or you'd see atraining montage where they
(17:21):
learn that defense is moreimportant than offense.
But it was actually much deeperthan that.
Their success was born fromtheir own mindset shift to trust
their own perspective andexperience and to use it to
innovate and think criticallyinstead of defaulting to
obedience to the adult in theroom.
I was let go two weeks laterwhen the C-team was disbanded
(17:42):
and the girls were pulled up tothe higher level teams.
Those teams had started tostruggle down the stretch and
the C-team girls were soconfident, optimistic and,
inexplicably, somehow now sotalented that it became evident
that their presence on the morecompetitive teams would be a
huge boost and it was Now.
I'm not saying that this isalways going to be the case.
You're not always going to seemassive competitive, academic or
(18:04):
achievement-based improvementswhen you start to empower your
kids to move outside of a fixedmindset, but should that really
be the goal anyway?
These are the mindsets andneural pathways that lead to
incredible lifelong resilience.
What many parents seem to failto grasp is that resilience,
self-esteem and a willingness tomake mistakes and learn from
them are far more important thana perfect SAT score or making
(18:28):
the varsity team when our kidsare 16.
The goal for our kids andourselves should be growth, not
perfection.
Good enough parenting.
Growth, not perfection.
Good enough parenting.
Ever heard the aphorism perfectis the enemy of good?
It's especially true inparenting, as we already talked
about in the chapter on modeling.
Perfection and even strivingfor perfection in parenting is
(18:55):
self-destructive.
It's not good for you, it's notgood for your kids and it leads
itself to the exact antithesisof growth that we should be
prioritizing.
That's not to say that weshouldn't try to improve as
parents.
In fact, I doubt you would belistening to this right now if
you were totally uninterested intrying to improve as a parent.
We just have to remember in theprocess that our goal is not
perfection, but good enoughparenting.
(19:15):
Good enough parenting looks likegiving yourself a break when
you don't do things perfectlyall the time.
Some days you're going to watchtwo or five extra episodes of
Bluey.
Other days you'll reflect afterbedtime and realize that your
kids ate nothing but granolabars all day.
Still others you'll realizethat you've been missing out on
that one-on-one time with yourmiddle child for the last two
weeks.
In fact, typing this right now,I'm not exactly sure when the
(19:40):
last time is that I gave myoldest a bath, pretty sure last
week, tonight, I guess, actuallyreading this right now, I don't
know when the last time was.
I guess that'll have to betonight too.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, and what about theparenting tips that you've read
about in this book or otherbooks or seen on social media?
So many of us are convinced thatif we don't have the right
discipline script, or if wepraise our children in the wrong
(20:02):
way, or if we don't perfectlyco-regulate, the next time they
have big feelings and snap andjust yell at them instead, our
mistakes are going to havelifelong consequences.
The truth is, none of thesethings, according to research,
is actually going to lead toirrevocable harm for our
children or their attachment toyou as their caregiver.
In fact, according to researchinto secure attachment in
(20:24):
childhood, caregivers only needto be quote in sync and attuned
to their children's emotionsabout 30% of the time to achieve
secure attachment Only 30%.
I go with the advice from mydear friend, dr Aliza Pressman,
who offers us that, if we canlive into our parenting ideals
more often than not, we are goodenough parents.
(20:45):
I just want to take a moment totell you, as you're listening
to this, that I don't thinkyou're just a good enough parent
.
I actually think you're a trulygreat parent.
The things we're covering arenot easy.
If you apply even 20% of whatI've said in this book so far
and apologize when you don't,you're going to raise resilient,
compassionate and whole people.
So if you're worried that youdon't measure up to what you see
(21:08):
on social media or theexpectations of the parenting
experts, just know you alreadyfar exceed my expectations for
the simple fact that you've madeit this far.
You've got this.
I believe in you.
I am not going to read the restof the chapter because it goes
(21:29):
on for quite some time.
I talk about apologizing, thepower of apologizing correctly.
What else do I talk about?
Oh, I have this whole thingabout Trojan apologies.
Maybe I'll read that section,maybe I'll read that.
And then, yeah, and then I goon reconciliation repair.
Then I tell a story about thefailure relationship paradox,
how, actually, when we screw up,those are the times when we can
(21:50):
develop the deepest connection.
But I'll just read you the cutthe butt section.
I think that that's a reallygood section.
This is like one of my maintakeaways from a couple of
people who have read the bookand had me on podcast.
They said this is like one ofthe best parts, so I don't want
you to miss out on that.
Anyway, I'm skipping, skipping.
I kind of feel like the grandpain a princess bride, if you
guys know what I'm talking about.
(22:10):
Anyway, here we go, cut thebutt.
Page 151.
Page 151.
Many parents, both in thecurrent generation and past
generations, use apologies asTrojan horses for lectures,
shame or otherwise, attemptingto teach their children.
Usually it goes something likethis I'm sorry I yelled at you,
but you really need to be morediligent about getting your
(22:32):
schoolwork in on time.
If you continue to not get yourwork in, your grades are going
to suffer and you're not going.
Or I'm sorry I slapped you fortalking back, but you really
need to learn when to stop.
You just make me so madsometimes.
Do you see how neither of theseexamples are really apologies?
Sure, they use the right wordsat the beginning to sound like
(22:54):
an apology, but ultimatelythey're not about taking
accountability or responsibilityfor their harmful actions and
seeking to repair with theirchild.
These are Trojan horseapologies Manipulative,
rhetorical judo intended tolower the defenses of a child
and open them up to receivingparental judgment and correction
.
I doubt most parents have anyidea that they're even doing
(23:15):
this.
I sure didn't, but I can tellyou now that my factory default
instincts are to include a butin the overwhelming majority of
apologies that I offer to mykids.
It's a habit that I'm workingdiligently to break.
The other issue with these butapologies is that they often
blame a parent's emotionalresponse on the actions of their
children.
As we talked about in chapter 7, all of us have the ability to
(23:39):
stop and reflect before actingon our impulses.
This means that, regardless ofhow your kids have triggered you
, you still have the capacity tonot react emotionally.
Of course you will still loseyour cool sometimes, as I just
demonstrated, but you alwaysretain the agency not to lose it
.
This is empowering if you letit be, and it means, if you're
(24:01):
thinking about blaming your kidfor your own emotional reactions
to their behaviors, rememberthis one's ultimately on you.
If you find yourself in themidst of an apology and you have
the overwhelming urge to saybut just end the sentence, shut
your mouth.
In other words, cut the but.
It's a unique feature of theEnglish language that anytime
(24:22):
you're about to use but you'vealready constructed a coherent
sentence, so quit while you'reahead.
The word but too often eraseseverything that came before it,
quickly turning apologies intoassaults.
Thank you so much for listeningto the whole parent podcast.
Make sure that you subscribe tothe podcast wherever you're
(24:43):
listening to it.
I'd love to read a review.
Rate it five stars so that itcan get out to more parents.
And, better than that, sharethis episode with a friend who
might benefit from the book thatI wrote that came out this week
Punishment-Free Parenting theBrain-Based Way to Raise Kids
Without Raising your Voice.
If you enjoyed this part of theaudiobook, I know that you are
(25:04):
going to enjoy the rest of theaudiobook.
I've already heard from a tonof parents, just like you, who
got it on the first day and haveabsolutely devoured it.
In fact, one of them lives withme.
My wife hasn't picked up thebook yet, but she's about
halfway through the audiobook,because this is one of the best
ways to consume this information.
Best of luck to you on yourparenting journey, and if
(25:27):
there's one thing that I hopethat you take away from this
episode of the podcast, it'sthat the best parents are not
the ones who are perfect.
They're not the ones who don'tmake mistakes.
In fact, those parents, frankly, just do not exist.
The best parents are theparents who are willing to
acknowledge their mistakes andseek reconciliation and repair,
and that means your best isalways enough.
(25:50):
Catch you next week.
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