January 9, 2025 • 51 mins
Ever feel like setting boundaries is selfish? Let’s flip that mindset. Join me, Keisha, as I share my journey of learning to set boundaries without guilt—finding strength, peace, and self-love along the way. Inspired by Nedra Glover Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace, we’ll explore how boundaries act as bridges to healthier relationships and personal growth.
In this episode, we’ll challenge the idea that boundaries disconnect us and uncover how they foster deeper, more respectful connections. I’ll share my struggles with overextending myself and practical strategies—like doing a “boundary audit”—to help you spot stress points and make small, impactful changes.
Let’s walk this path toward authentic living together. Prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish; it’s empowering. Tune in for insights, inspiration, and actionable steps to create a life rooted in peace, love, and balance. Don’t forget to subscribe and share your thoughts—let’s thrive together! 💖✨
Setting Boundaries Finding Peace
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This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute professional advice, coaching, or therapy. Always seek the guidance of a qualified mental health or coaching professional for your specific needs.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, it's your girl, keisha, and welcome to the
Authentic Life.
Each episode, I'll guide you onthe journey to living fully,
freely and unapologetically.
Together, we'll dive into realstories, practical insights and
steps you can take to embraceyour truth and show up as your
most authentic self.
So guess what?
I am glad that you are herewith me.
Let's get started.
Glad that you are here with me,let's get started.
(00:26):
Hello, hello, hello and welcometo the Authentic Life, the
space where we explore what itreally means to live fully, to
live freely and, mostimportantly, to live
unapologetically as your trueself.
If you're new here, I'm Keisha,I'm your host, I'm your guide
and, by the end of this, I mighteven be your accountability
(00:48):
partner in this journey.
So, whether you're tuning infrom your car, your office or
your favorite cozy corner athome, your girl is just so glad
that you decided to be here withher today.
Now, before we dive in, I wantto take a moment to thank every
single person that has jumped onthis authentic life journey
with me, whether you'vedownloaded the podcast, you
(01:10):
shared it with your friends,you've sent me beautiful,
amazing messages, or you justtuned in to listen.
You've been incredible and I amso grateful.
I am so appreciative.
I am so very thankful.
I never really knew what theimpact would be when I am so
appreciative, I am so verythankful.
I never really knew what theimpact would be when I started
this podcast.
All I knew was I had somethingto say and I had been writing a
(01:34):
newsletter for a couple ofmonths and have released several
newsletters and I just feltlike it needed another way to
get out.
It needed to get out to morepeople, and so I decided to do
the podcast, and the podcast hasbeen podcasting, and many of
your messages that I've receivedfrom family members, from
(01:55):
friends, from colleagues andeven from people I don't even
really know or don't know at all, have been nothing short of
amazing.
Your words have beenconfirmation that I'm on the
right track and that I'm doingthe right thing.
If you know me and you'resomeone that knows me personally
you know I am all about pouringinto people and building people
up, and that is what I hopethis podcast is and will
(02:18):
continue to be.
You all have shared how theseconversations are opening your
eyes, how it's changing yourmindset, that even it's
relatable and you can seeyourself in some of the things
that I've said, and it's helpingyou take the first steps
towards living authentically.
And all of that meanseverything to me because, again,
it's doing what I hoped itwould do, right.
(02:40):
So I hope you all will continuedown this journey with me
because, remember, this wasn'tjust the launch of the authentic
life.
It was the launch of somethingthat just might change your life
Right Now.
Let's get into today's topic.
Last week, we broke down themyths about what living
authentically is not.
We talked about perfectionism.
We talked about people pleasing.
(03:00):
We talked about people pleasing.
We talked about shrinkingourselves and we talked about
living for the approval ofothers and as in how that traps
us and keeps us from our truth,right.
Well, today we're shiftinggears and we're talking about
something foundational to livingHashtag the authentic life and
that's boundaries.
Now, let me keep it real.
(03:29):
Boundaries are probably one ofthe hardest lessons I've had to
learn and also is a continuousdevelopment space.
For me, it is definitely ajourney and not a final
destination, because, dependingon the person or the situation,
I have gone from really healthyboundaries to letting people
overstep them completely.
Overstep them completely.
So, when I think about myfamily and my friends, and even
work, you know, I have let guiltmake decisions for me.
(03:52):
There have been times where Ireally didn't want to do a thing
and really didn't want to dosomething or really didn't want
to go anywhere.
But I let guilt talk me intosaying yes, knowing good and
well I wasn't trying to do thator not trying to go to that
place.
I have over committed to provethat I'm a team player right.
May it be at work or even insome of my dynamics, in my
relationships.
I've over committed just toprove to you that I belong in
(04:14):
this space, right.
So hopefully those are thingsthat sound familiar and it's a
work in progress.
For me it's been, it hasdefinitely been a game of double
dutch when I think about how Ifunction and operate in trying
to manage my boundaries.
So that's why today we arediving deep into hashtag the
boundary life.
We will explore what boundariesreally are.
(04:36):
We'll talk about the cost ofliving without them and then
we're going to I'm going to giveyou some practical, real life
strategies to start setting themin ways that feel doable, feels
doable and you don't feel theguilt that goes along with that.
Plus, I'll be sharing some gemsfrom one of my favorite books,
set Boundaries, find Peace byNedra Glover-Twob, along with my
(04:56):
own hard learned lessons, right?
So grab your coffee, grab yourtea, grab your glass of wine, or
maybe even a notebook orwhatever keeps you grounded, and
let's get into this.
So let's start with what areboundaries at their core?
For me, boundaries are thelimits we set to protect our
time, protect our peace, protectour energy and, most
(05:18):
importantly, protect ouremotional well-being.
They are absolutely not wallsto keep people out.
In my opinion, they're actuallybridges that guide others on
how to engage with us in waysthat align with our values.
Now, if you listened to thefirst four episodes hashtag the
authentic life I asked you allto do a little activity, and
(05:41):
that was to reflect on yourvalues.
I asked you what are the fivethings you value in your
professional life?
That's the way you collaboratewith colleagues, or maybe it's
the respect you give and receiveat work.
Then I asked you to think aboutwhat are the five things you
value in your personalrelationships.
This could be trust, honesty,transparency, open and effective
(06:05):
communication, or simply sharedexperiences with family,
friends or romantic partners.
Now here's the truth it'salmost impossible for you to set
meaningful boundaries withoutfirst knowing what you value.
You can't align boundaries withsomething you have yet to
define.
So if you didn't do theactivity, that's okay, that's
(06:29):
all right, it's cool.
Just pause and take some timeto reflect now, because the hope
is that everything we're doing,everything we're talking about,
is a building block, right?
And each episode is layeringonto the last to ultimately help
create a roadmap for us to livemore authentically, right?
(06:52):
So go back and do that activityif you didn't do that activity,
so that when you start settingthese boundaries, you know what
you are aligning it to.
Now, boundaries come in allshapes and sizes, just like us,
right?
So I want to break that downfor you.
So there are six types ofboundaries that I want us to
think about and, as I'm talkingabout them, I want you to think
(07:12):
about what type of boundariesyou have in those spaces.
So the first one is aroundphysical boundaries.
This involves your personalspace and your physical needs.
So, are you comfortable withhugging?
Do you like to be in closeproximity to people?
Are you someone that needsphysical affection, like I love
physical touch, affection, allthe things.
(07:33):
Are you someone that needs thatin your dynamics, right?
Or are you someone that needssix feet.
You know, give me some spaceBack up, you all in my personal
space.
I take a breath, you get halfof it.
See, I'm the one.
I want you to have half mybreath and I want half of yours.
So no conversation, though.
The next one is emotionalboundaries.
(07:53):
These help you protect yourfeelings and manage your
emotional energy right.
This is about those vibes thatwe'd be talking about.
You know, positive vibes, goodenergy that everybody wants,
right.
So this is really about who andwhat drains you.
Who and what energizes you.
When you know what youremotional boundaries are, that
(08:15):
helps you navigate that type ofstuff right.
The third one is around time.
It is what are your timeboundaries?
These are how you spend yourtime.
Maybe it's saying no tounnecessary meetings or just
taking some time for you,carving out some personal time
for you to practice self-careright.
(08:38):
The next one is relationshipboundaries.
This is one I think many of usstruggle with.
These define acceptablebehaviors in your interactions
with other people, like yourfamily, like your friends, like
your romantic partners, yourcolleagues.
How do you want to be treated?
(09:00):
Our favorite thing, what arethose non-negotiables for you in
that dynamic?
What are the things that islike, yeah, I'm not doing that,
we not doing that, I can't dothat, right.
The next one is around your workvalue.
I mean work boundaries.
This focuses on youravailability, your work hours,
how much of yourself you'repouring into your job, how much
(09:23):
you're giving to your job.
What does that balance looklike for you?
Work boundaries andrelationship boundaries, I think
, are the two most challengingones for us to balance, but I
think those are the ones thatprobably have some of the
greatest impact on us, becausemajority of us are working and
we are dealing, we have topeople, with the people on a
(09:45):
regular basis, right?
So maintaining relationships issomething we do all the time.
So, to me, while all six arethings that we potentially are
struggling with, those two, weprobably struggle with
maintaining healthy boundariesin those spaces, right, but
nonetheless.
The last one is around materialboundaries, and this is really
about how you share or not shareyour possessions and your
(10:07):
resources, like your money,stuff like that.
So those are the six type ofboundaries that you need to
begin to think about, and I wantyou to write in your notebook
for each type of boundary do youfeel like you have healthy
boundaries or not?
Right, and make this a yes orno question, right, because we
like to do yes, no, maybe socoulda, woulda, shoulda.
(10:29):
When it's just a no, yeah, noit's a no, it's a hard no, it's
a sentence.
You know, no is a sentence, noperiod, right?
And so take some time in yournotebook and really think about
what your boundaries look likein each area.
So now let's address a commonmisconception that boundaries
are selfish.
(10:49):
Right?
Some people feel like, hey,when I set up some type of
boundary, I'm being selfish.
But boundaries are not selfish.
And because so many peoplethink boundaries are selfish,
that leaves us in a place offeeling guilty.
And many of us feel guilty whenwe set boundaries because we're
worried it's taking somethingaway from other people, right,
but boundaries are not aboutwithholding anything.
(11:11):
They're actually aboutprotecting your peace,
protecting your energy,protecting your emotional
well-being.
And if we don't have them, yourisk pouring from an empty cup.
And, let's be honest, you can'tpour into others if your cup is
always empty.
But that's something that wetry to do all too often, right?
(11:33):
Many of us are pourers intopeople.
That's something that we thriveoff of, and if I were to think
about myself, I really feel likethat's why I was put on this
earth was to pour into peopleand it shows so much in some of
my boundaries that I havespecifically in my relationship
and my work boundaries, I willfeel, no matter what my job is,
(11:56):
no matter what it is, my job isto pour into people and that's
just how I'm built and that'sjust who I am.
But a lot of times I'm pouringfrom an empty cup.
So one thing I'm going to try todo is kind of highlight when
I'm going to talk aboutsomething personal right, and so
(12:16):
we're going to call thesetransparency moments or we're
going to call them TMs, and thisis the time in which I'm going
to share something personalright and kind of go through
this.
So my transparency moment isreally about how I think I
mentioned at the beginning ofthis.
If I think about the manythings in hashtag, the authentic
(12:37):
life I need to work onboundaries is the place that I
double dutch in right, so I havegood ones, I have healthy ones
sometimes, and healthy onessometimes dutch in right, so I
have good ones, I have healthyones sometimes and healthy ones
sometimes I don't right.
So in my transparency moment itreally comes from the place of
like the perception that peoplehave of me, right.
So I am viewed as like thisperson, with all of this
(13:01):
strength, right, misindependent,even though I have no desire to
be Miss independent.
I need a man, I want a man, allthe things right.
So it's not a desire to be Missindependent, but I think that
is the perception that manypeople have of me that I'm
strong, I'm the strong friend,I'm the strong colleague.
So if something is wrong, thatis who we call because she's the
(13:22):
fixer, she can fix it or shecan't fix it.
She can find someone who canfix it, or she can help me fix
it or she can talk me throughfixing it.
And so it really puts you intoa position of having to uphold
that perception that people haveof you.
And this is a lot of times thisis a perception that people
(13:42):
have of me before they even everexperienced me.
Right, I always got it.
I miss having it together, missput together, right.
I went to lunch with agirlfriend or went to dinner
with some friends and I think Italked about this in my previous
podcast, but it's a possibilityI did not and she was just like
Keisha.
You good, you okay.
I said, yeah she was like you,sure I you okay.
(14:05):
I said yeah, she was like you,sure.
I said yeah.
She said you know it's okay ifyou're not.
I said yeah, I know she waslike because you put up such a
strong front and you always arethere for people and you're
always like this strong presencethat you know.
I want you to know that it'sokay, that if you're not, okay
right.
So when in my transparencymoment and me really thinking
about you know me and myboundaries, this is a journey
(14:28):
for me and definitely not afinal destination, because that
is something that I use theanalogy of double dutch, because
with certain dynamics, I amdouble dutching when it comes to
my boundaries and it reallygoes back to that me being a
poor into people that I believethat I was put here to build
people up, to help you get towhatever your purpose is,
(14:53):
because I feel like I operate inmy purpose and is my duty to
help you get there.
In me, pouring into everybody'scup, into me, maintaining the
image of being the strong, theperson with all the strength,
the person that doesn't peoplethink I don't have issue or deal
with things.
That leaves me in a place ofbeing empty sometimes and I'm
(15:17):
not always replenished in theway that I pour, and I don't
have an expectation that I amreplenished in the way that I
pour.
I don't have an expectationthat I am replenished in the way
that I pour, but being strongall the time and having to
maintain that strength makes ithard to set boundaries.
Sometimes you always feelobligated to show up to give,
and a lot of times it's at myown expense.
(15:38):
I'm doing stuff I really don'twant to do.
I don't want to disappoint thepeople around me, really don't
want to do.
I don't want to disappoint thepeople around me.
I'm trying to maintain thisthought that you have of me
Generally.
It's a subconscious thing, I'malmost certain it's a
subconscious thing, butnonetheless I'm doing it and it
becomes exhausting, it becomes alot, and I'll admit I've had
(15:59):
seasons where I again doubledutch with my boundaries,
meaning sometimes I have reallyfirm boundaries and healthy
boundaries, and then there'sother times I let stuff slide.
But here's what I've learnedyou don't have to live in that
kind of cycle.
Boundaries are something thatyou practice and it's not a
one-time decision.
It's something that's a work inprogress for me, right.
(16:20):
However, when you are in aspace where you are always
pouring into people and youdon't want to disappoint people.
And if we think about it,that's where we began to shrink
ourselves right.
That's where that shrinkingyourself comes into play.
All of it ultimately tiestogether because that shrinking
and that feeling you have to beand do for everybody comes from
(16:43):
a place of not really havinghealthy boundaries or not really
setting your own standards ofhow you're going to interact and
engage with the people aroundme.
So if you're thinking about youknow when you should begin
thinking about boundaries andsetting those boundaries.
You really would want to focuson certain areas of your life
(17:06):
that you feel like you'restruggling.
So we talked about those sixtypes of boundaries.
I know work and relationshipare probably my two areas that I
don't necessarily always havefirm boundaries in, right, and
so I have to begin to figure outa way to manage that, or I have
figured out a way to try tomanage that right, but that's
something that you need to startdoing right.
(17:27):
So that's my transparencymoment.
Let's practice what it actuallylooks like right In action.
So if you just start out bysaying practicing these three
short phrases, simple phrases,right?
You can say I'm not availablefor that, or that doesn't work
for me, or you know what.
Let me get back to you on that.
(17:48):
Will that be okay?
Or just simply saying I'm justnot going to be able to do that?
Write those down, save them inyour phone, use them in
situations where the stakes arelow and you don't feel like if
you made one of those commentsit's going to cause an issue or
be a problem, right?
(18:09):
So, over time, you will feel asthough you are beginning to
embrace boundaries.
The more that you practice it,the more that you do utilize it
in low stake situations, you'llbegin to feel empowered.
Empowered to understand that,hey, you'll begin to feel
empowered.
Empowered to understand that,hey, you're honoring your truth.
And it's not just about settingboundaries, it's about being
(18:32):
okay with the boundaries thatyou set.
And I think that's where westruggle.
I think we know how to setboundaries.
I know how to set boundaries,we know what boundaries are, I
know exactly what my boundariesare.
But some cases we just feel badabout the boundaries we're
setting with the people thatwe're setting, or we're going,
(18:53):
or we go through all of thesedifferent things in our lives.
And if I set this boundary orif I do this thing, what is
going to happen if I do that?
And sometimes we get lost inthat or we get in a place of
fear, of loss of access tosomething that if I don't do
this or if I set this boundary,what is going to be the
(19:13):
repercussion of that?
And I think that's where theself-awareness and really doing
some self-reflection on who youare and all of the people that
you have in your life and thedynamics you have with those
people, and do those peoplebring out the best version of
you?
Or do they bring out thatwatered down version of you
(19:34):
where you don't have boundariesand you don't say all the things
that you want to say and youdon't say no, and you don't
protect your energy and youdon't protect your peace?
So, thinking about boundariesand boundaries in action, I
recently was going to dosomething for some folks, right,
and I was going back and forth.
Nobody asked me to do this.
Now, this was just somethingthat I was going to do because
(19:54):
I'm a nice person and I do nicethings.
I do little bitty things allthe time.
I can be extra at times, and sothis was something nice that I
wanted to do.
At least that was the idea Ihad in my mind when I originally
came up with the thing that,hey, I want to do this.
But then, the more I thoughtabout it was like you know, you
(20:15):
really don't want to do this, sowhy are you doing this?
And why do you continue to dothings that you don't really
want to do?
Why do you continue tooverextend yourself?
These are all the questionsthat are going on in my head,
right?
So this was a DIY project.
So I go to the store to buy theitems for the DIY project, even
(20:35):
though I went back and forth fora couple of days.
Kish, you're going to do this,you're not going to do this
because I didn't have a lot oftime to get this done.
And so when I get to the storeto purchase the stuff, while I'm
in the store, you know I'm justlooking window shopping and I'm
like you know what?
I'm not doing this.
Wait a minute, why am I doingthis?
(20:57):
I didn't want to do it and,honestly, if I'm gonna keep it a
whole book and y'all want toget inside my mind if I did do
it, it probably wouldn't havebeen appreciated anyway, not by
all, and there's never anexpectation that anything I do
comes with any accolades oranything like that, because I
just do the things that I wantto do.
But what I had to ask myself,which made me ask myself and it
(21:19):
wasn't just about this thingthat I was doing for these
people, I think in the time thatI was thinking about it, and
just the time that I am in mylife, I'm in a place of
assessment and it just was likethis is not the only thing that
I overextend myself for.
So why am I putting so muchtime and energy into something
(21:39):
right?
What am I hoping to get out ofdoing this?
What am I hoping to get out ofoverextending myself?
Am I overextending myself toprove, or what am I
overextending myself to prove?
Right?
And so really thinking aboutthat, and then I just came to
the decision.
You know what, yeah, I'm notdoing it.
That's a hard no for me.
And it felt good and it feltfreeing, and the thing that I
(22:03):
was going to do for them, I didfor myself.
So for me, it's really about thebeauty of boundaries allows you
to show up authenticallywithout burning out.
Boundaries are not about justprotecting you.
They are also about helping youbuild healthy, healthier
relationships with the people inyour life, may it be
(22:26):
professional or personal.
So if I overextend myself andother people see me constantly
overextending myself, they'renot going to have a problem
asking me to overextend myself,because I just show them that I
don't have a boundary when itcomes to that.
If transparency and honesty andopen, effective communication
(22:51):
are things that I value, butthen when I interact and engage
with you, that's not what I getfrom you, but we still
interacting and engaging.
I'm teaching you that I don'thave healthy boundaries.
So when we think aboutboundaries and we think about
having boundaries and puttingboundaries in place, that's just
(23:12):
not about protecting yourself.
It's really about helping youbuild healthier relationships
with the people in your life,because ultimately, doing that
that shows them how to engagewith you in a way that respects
you, that respects your time,that respects your energy and
ultimately respects your valuesand the things that you value.
(23:35):
So when you set boundaries, youare creating a bridge, baby,
not a barrier, and if someonecan't respect those boundaries,
that's a sign that you need tobe reassessing their place in
your life.
Boundaries are aboutself-awareness.
It's about taking a good lookat your relationships and your
surroundings, not just aboutyour good and your bad qualities
(23:59):
.
It's also about looking at yourrelationships and your
surroundings and the good andbad qualities of those things.
Are the people in your lifesupportive of the growth that
you are trying to do thosethings?
Are the people in your lifesupportive of the growth that
you are trying to do?
Are the people in your lifesupportive of the person that
you are good, bad and ugly?
Do the spaces you occupy alignwith your values?
Baby, this is a process.
(24:21):
Boundaries take practice andprogress takes time.
So I challenge you to startsmall, to honor your truth,
whatever that is, and remindyourself boundaries are a form
of self-care and you definitelydeserve that.
(24:43):
So what's the cost of not havingboundaries in your life?
We've talked about what theyare.
We've talked about why theymatter, but I really want to
spend some time talking aboutwhat happens when we don't have
any.
Now, as I mentioned before,boundaries are often
misunderstood as the walls thatpush people away, but in reality
, remember, they're actuallybridges that create balance.
(25:06):
They help us protect our time.
They help us protect our energyand our well-being, while also
helping us maintain healthyrelationships and a sense of
self.
Remember, I said that before,but let's face it, many of us
struggle to set boundaries andthe cost of living without them
can be staggering.
I mentioned that havingboundaries or setting boundaries
(25:28):
has been something that hasbeen difficult for me.
I've had a season where I'vebeen able to have really healthy
boundaries with every singleperson in my life, and then I've
had a season where I've letfear or I've let guilt or I've
let some other reason orsomething prevent me from having
the type of boundaries I needto have with people.
(25:48):
And so when you don't setboundaries, the consequences
don't just creep into your life,they actually take over.
It adds another layer of stress.
It adds another layer ofoverwhelmness.
It puts you in a position toshrink yourself right.
So we talked about in the lastepisode how we shrink ourselves
(26:10):
with people and in places, and alot of times it's that fear
Right, I said I don't have.
I've had moments where I didn'tmaintain boundaries out of fear
.
Right, it's the same thing.
And so when we think about it,there's different things that
can occur when you aren'tsetting boundaries Right.
So let's say you are the, I amthe person, and I think I
mentioned this before.
(26:30):
I am the person.
I'm the strong friend, I'mthere for everybody, I do all
the things.
Most people, when they theirperception of me is that I don't
know how to be vulnerable.
I don't.
I don't have no feelings and Igot all the things.
That's the funny thing.
I have all the things right.
But when you are that person, alot of times you end up not
(26:51):
always having healthy boundaries, and when you don't have
healthy boundaries, it bringswhat it brings about resentment.
Right?
You start to feel bitter aboutthe very commitments that you
agree to.
You start to feel bitter aboutthe very things that maybe in
the beginning you truly enjoydoing, that you no longer enjoy
doing or want to do anymore.
And that bitterness can seepinto the relationships, making
(27:12):
even positive interactions feelstrange.
Right, we always like to talkabout people's energy and people
don't.
Good vibes, positive vibes.
I'm a big believer ofunderstanding the environments
in which we function and operate.
And how do those environmentsimpact that energy and those
vibes?
Right?
And so if you're in that spaceand you're not setting healthy
(27:33):
boundaries in that space, then,yeah, you may not have positive
energy because you're in a placeof resentment, because now
you're feeling bitter about thecommitments that you used to be
super happy about doing.
Maybe in some cases, or maybeyou never, were happy right.
So always thinking about whenyou are in a place of resentment
around something that you'redoing, or is it possible that
(27:55):
you don't have a healthyboundary in that space?
The other thing that livingwithout boundaries does is put
us in a space of burnout.
When you're constantly givingmore than you have to give, it's
only a matter of time beforeyou hit a wall.
Emotional and physicalexhaustion becomes.
The norm for you is you don'thave anything else to give, you
(28:16):
don't?
You are pouring and pouring,and pouring, and your cup is
empty and your cup hasn't beenrefilled, and so now you're at a
place of burnout.
The other thing that livingwithout boundaries does is put
us in a place of disconnection.
Without boundaries, you'reconstantly pulled in different
directions by other people'sneeds.
This makes it easy to losesight of your own values, your
(28:40):
own goals and your own identity.
The next is it really can havesome health consequences.
Stress from overcommitmentdoesn't just affect your mood,
it affects your body.
Chronic stress can lead toanxiety, high blood pressure or
even serious illnesses over time.
So really taking time to thinkabout when?
I'm always stressed when I'maround this person or every time
(29:02):
this person call me.
I'm stressed because they wantto ask me to do this or I need
to do that.
You really need to kind of takestock of that.
That goes back toself-awareness.
Isn't just about you and doingself-reflection for yourself.
It's really thatself-reflection of everything
around you and all of the peoplearound you.
(29:23):
And what does that mean?
The other thing that livingwithout boundaries does is put
you in a position to miss out onopportunities, because saying
yes to everything leaves littleroom for things that truly
matter.
You may miss out on personalgrowth, meaningful relationships
or goals that you've put on theback burner because you're
trying to be everything foreverybody.
So you have to learn how tobalance that and how to get to a
(29:49):
place of having healthyboundaries.
So think about this If you'reconstantly running on empty, how
can you show up fully for thethings and the people that
matter the most?
Boundaries are essentialbecause they allow you to
protect what's most importantyour energy, your time and your
ability to live authentically.
So how do you begin settingboundaries?
(30:09):
Well, here's a quick littleexercise that I call the
boundary audit.
The first thing I want you todo is identify a stress point.
Write down one area in yourlife where you feel overextended
work, social commitments oreven your digital life, like
hello endless notifications,phone is always popping.
Next, I want you to name aboundary.
(30:31):
Decide on one boundary youcould set to protect your time
or your energy in thatparticular area.
Next, I want you to draft howyou communicate that boundary
clearly and respectfully.
Now, this is where I think westruggle, because oftentimes we
know what our stress, our stresspoint is.
We know when we feeloverextended, we know when we're
(30:55):
doing the most and we're doingtoo much, and we know when we
don't want to do a thing.
Right.
So, identifying the stresspoint I don't think it's a
problem for most of us, evennaming and deciding the boundary
that we need to set to not havethat stress point anymore.
I think we equally know whatthat is and can name it and
probably have named it, havesaid it out loud to ourselves
(31:18):
multiple times.
The struggle I think that wehave comes from the scripted
part, this part draft how youwill communicate that boundary
clearly and respectfully.
Right, that's the part that Ithink we struggle with.
We can do the other two pieces.
No problem.
I can write it down.
I can tell you what my problemis.
(31:39):
We can tell you what ourproblems are all day long.
Generally, we can tell you howto fix it.
I got several problems.
Right now I know exactly how tofix it.
It's that third one right there.
How do you communicate that outloud, right?
And so that's the place that westruggle because, depending on
the dynamics of ourrelationships, we do not want to
hurt people's feelings.
(32:05):
You or I don't like my job, orwhatever the case may be, but
ultimately it's stressing me out.
I ain't got time to do that.
I don't forget all of that.
Forget the niceness pieces ofit.
I don't even really want to doit.
Bottom line, I don't want to doit.
I got time.
I just don't want to do it.
But we are not alwayscomfortable setting those firm
(32:25):
boundaries with certain peoplein our lives and a lot of times
with work, we feel like we haveto do all the things.
Or we're not going to get thepromotion, or we're not going to
get the raise, or we're notgoing to be seen as someone that
can handle all the things.
But why I got to handle all thethings?
Why do I have to be the personthat has to do all the things to
make you feel see my value, ormake me or or make it seem like
(32:47):
I'm worth being in this place orbeing near you or talking to
you.
Why do I have to do all thethings Right?
And so those are all the thingsthat we think about when we're
talking about setting boundarieswith people.
But we want peace in our life.
But we want peace in our life,and peace starts with you.
We create a false sense ofpeace when we're not
(33:09):
communicating with people.
When we communicate, when wedon't communicate for the sake
of peace, we are creating ourown turmoil.
At the end of the day, the onlyperson that's in peace is the
person that's over there, notthe person over here trying to
maintain the peace for theperson over there.
So when we think about ourboundaries and we're doing this
(33:30):
boundary audit and you'reidentifying your stress point
and you're naming your boundaryand you're writing out how
you're going to communicate thatboundary, especially if it's
dealing with your job or family,friends or spouse or partner,
whatever the case may be, yougot to think about that dynamic.
And why do you feel that youcan't, no matter how well
crafted your script is, youdon't feel like you can
(33:54):
communicate that boundary.
Those are the type of thingsthat we need to be thinking
about, not just what a boundaryis and how to set the boundary,
because some boundaries are good, like my time and how I spend
my time.
Let's I was let's say it was awork example.
If work is bleeding into yourpersonal life, right, your
boundary might be I respond toemails during business hours,
(34:14):
but after six o'clock I'moffline, unless it's something
urgent, right.
That may be a very simple thingto implement, like for me, the
simplest thing would be is totake my emails off my phone so
that I'm not gettingnotifications every five minutes
about emails that are coming in.
Or, if I have a work chat,cutting my work chat off after a
certain period of time ormuting it so that I don't hear
(34:36):
it, and then cut it back on whenI go to work.
Some of those things are easierto implement.
I'm not going to be on socialmedia as much.
I'm not going to spend a lot ofmy time doing this or doing
that.
Those things are easy toimplement.
But when you're dealing withother people, when you got the
people with the people, and youhave to be able to people with
the people and then manage youremotions and their emotions
(34:58):
about this thing that you don'twant to do no more, especially
if the person has an expectationthat you're going to do that
thing or if it's your job thatcan.
That takes a lot out of you,and so you really got to get to
the root of why you don't wantto communicate that or why you
don't feel like you cancommunicate that.
But do a boundary audit andreally think about you know what
(35:19):
are some areas where you knowyou could have some better
boundaries and you want to startsmall.
You don't have to start reallybig.
It's just start small and beginto work your way into a place
where you are having healthyboundaries.
So setting boundaries ultimatelyis an act of self-respect.
It's about prioritizing yourwellbeing so you can show up as
(35:41):
the best version of yourself.
When you take the time toprotect your energy, you're not
just improving your life, you'recreating a space where you can
show up as the best version ofyourself.
When you take the time toprotect your energy, you're not
just improving your life, you'recreating a space where you can
thrive right, all of us.
Most of us have been on anairplane.
When we get on the airplane,the stewardess she does her
thing and she always tells us.
The one thing they always tellus to do is put your mask on
first before you put anybodyelse's mask on this plane, even
(36:07):
in a situation like that, theplane going down they are
telling you to take care of youfirst.
But when we operate in ourday-to-day lives, we put so many
people before us we don'tprioritize us and a lot of times
we don't see setting boundariesas a form of prioritizing us
and making ourselves important,just as important as the people
(36:29):
that we are saying yes to whenwe really want to say no.
So what I want you to thinkabout is what's one boundary you
can set today and implement?
And that's your first step inreally getting to a place where
you are living with boundariesinstead of living without
boundaries.
(36:51):
Ok, so now we're in thehomestretch.
We've talked about whatboundaries are.
We've talked about the cost ofliving without boundaries.
Now we're talking aboutstrategy.
So we're talking all strategy,because knowing about boundaries
is one thing, but livinghashtag the boundary life,
that's where the actualtransformation begins.
So let's dive right intostrategy.
So I'm going to start withsharing a few gems from the book
(37:14):
Set Boundaries, find Peace.
I will link the book and theworkbook that goes along with
the book in the show notes.
This is a book that I recommendto my leadership team, that
I've recommended to folks thatI've coached, as well as family
and friends.
It's a book that I havepersonally used for the last
year.
I've read it twice and I have Iutilize that workbook to work
(37:35):
through things, because I dothink that book can be a
resource and an essential guideto reclaiming hashtag the
boundary life if you'restruggling with boundaries.
But what I do want to add iswhat I want to challenge us all
to do is to be proactive in allof this stuff that we're doing,
right.
So if life is great for you andlife is not life for you and
(37:57):
you have healthy boundaries,you're living authentically,
you're doing all the things.
I still challenge you to do theactivities, to get the
resources, because let'smaintain that stuff, let's be
proactive instead of reactive,right.
So if I work out on a regularbasis, that puts me in a
position to be healthy, right.
But if I choose, if I get sickand then I go to the doctor and
(38:20):
the doctor says, hey, you needto start working out.
Now I'm being reactive when, ifI worked out the whole time, I
may not have ended up at thedoctor's office to begin with.
Have the same type of mindsetwhen you're thinking about your
mental health, your emotionalstability, your spiritual life,
your mindset, all of thosethings.
Make sure that you're beingproactive in trying to ensure
(38:41):
that, even though you may be ina great space, there is always a
possibility that you may notremain in that space.
So you want to already have theresources and the strategies to
be able to work an issue whenan issue becomes a problem for
you.
So, but first before we jumpinto some of those.
So let me back up for a second,get the book and the workbook.
(39:04):
Whether you have healthyboundaries or not, be proactive
instead of reactive.
Ok, now I can move on.
So it's crucial to understandthe quality of your boundaries.
So in the book she breaks thatdown.
She makes, she breaksboundaries down into three
categories.
She has it as healthyboundaries, rigid boundaries and
porous boundaries.
(39:24):
So healthy boundaries are thoseboundaries that strike a
balance.
They're clear, they're firm andrespectful.
They allow you to prioritizeyour needs while also
maintaining meaningfulrelationships.
So, for example, when you'reexpressing hey, I'm not
available tonight, but let'splan something for next week,
that allows you to set theboundary but also preserve the
(39:46):
connection.
A lot of times we say yesinstead of saying no because we
feel that if we say no it'sgoing to jeopardize the
connection that we have withthat person.
But this is a way to preservethat connection If you're in a
space to where it's a no rightnow but it could be a yes later
on, right?
The next one is the rigidboundaries.
(40:08):
These create walls to keepeveryone out, often as a
self-protective mechanism.
So, for example, refusing tolet anyone help you or share
personal stories about you maysignal that you have overly
rigid boundaries.
While they may prevent harm,they can also limit connection
and support.
So if you're not one to share alot like people that know me
(40:32):
know, if you don't ask, I don'ttell.
I don't always do a lot ofsharing that can be classified
as a rigid boundary right.
And so, understanding the why,I have to understand the why
behind that and why I choose tomake that.
And am I limiting connections?
And ultimately, do I care aboutthose connections that I'm
limiting if I'm not willing toshare.
(40:53):
So that's something that youhave to kind of work through and
process.
The next is around porousboundaries.
These are overly loose andallow others to take advantage
of you.
So signs of porous boundariesinclude saying yes when you want
to say no Oversharing I don'tthink people feel or understand
that oversharing is a form ofhaving overly loose boundaries,
(41:16):
but a lot of times we do thatbecause of spaces that we're in
right.
So being able to recognize thatis important.
Then feeling responsible forother people's emotions, based
off of setting the boundary.
So if I set the boundary, if Isay no, then they're going to be
upset or they're going torespond negatively.
It's not your responsibility tobe responsible for somebody
(41:37):
else's feelings or how theyrespond to something.
They are responsible for howthey regulate their own emotions
right.
Porous boundaries often lead toburnout and resentment.
Remember earlier we talkedabout the cost of living without
boundaries.
When you're always doing forpeople, when you're always
pouring into other people, whenyou're always saying yes when
(41:57):
you really wanna say no, whenyou're doing stuff that you have
no energy for, no time, for nodesire to do the thing right, it
leads to burnout, but it alsoleads to resentment.
There have been instances andtimes where I've had porous
boundaries with people, and Ican see the resentment every
time I interact with that person.
(42:19):
Because I don't have goodboundaries, I'm doing a bunch of
stuff that I really don't wantto do, but I am probably taking
on responsibility of how theymay respond, even potentially
not really knowing how theyrespond.
They may respond, but making anassumption about how they may
respond, and so then, like Idon't even really want to deal
(42:40):
with you, no more.
So understanding the threecategories and the quality of
your boundaries is just ascrucial to your understanding
the boundaries that you need toput in place.
Now.
Here are some strategies fromthe book.
Start small.
I mentioned that already.
(43:01):
Right, boundaries don't need tobe monumental to be impactful.
You can begin with onemanageable area.
Maybe it's declining extraresponsibilities at work or
carving out a quiet moment inyour day, just finding some time
to yourself and saying, hey,five minutes, 10 minutes, before
I start getting dressed, I'mgoing to do this thing.
Or before I start my day, I'mgoing to do this thing.
(43:21):
Or if someone says, hey, do youfeel like you can be on this
committee?
I don't have the capacity forthat right now.
So start small, use Istatements.
Ground your boundaries andself-ownership.
So take ownership of theboundaries that you're setting.
So try saying things like Ineed time to decompress after
work before diving intoconversations.
(43:42):
This approach is clear, firmand rooted in self-respect.
The next one is anticipatepushback.
When you start settingboundaries with people who you
haven't had any boundaries withespecially if you had porous
boundaries with thoseindividuals, honey, you are
challenging the status quo thatthey know, and not everybody's
(44:02):
going to cheer you on.
You're going to get somepushback.
You're going to have some folkthat don't understand why you're
changing.
What's going on, what happened,why are you changing?
But what you have to do is stayanchored in your why, and
that's because you're protectingyour peace, your energy and,
ultimately, your authenticity.
So be okay with the pushback.
(44:27):
Challenge the status quo thatthey know and if they don't
cheer you on, that's okay.
It's all right.
Everybody not going to be happywith everything that we do all
the time, it's okay.
We already talked about knowingthe types of boundaries.
So you have the physicalboundaries I don't like hugs,
don't touch me Six feetProtecting your personal space
and your physical well-being.
Those emotional boundaries, youknow I really can't discuss
(44:47):
that right now.
Can't discuss that topic rightnow.
Safeguard your feelings andyour emotional energy, those
time-based Look.
I need 30 minutes of myselfevery morning when I come to
work.
I don't want any meetings on mycalendar.
I don't really want a wholebunch of people coming in my
office.
I need some time to decompressMaterial.
I can't lend money out rightnow, so that's managing how you
(45:11):
share or protect yourpossessions.
So those are some strategiesand some stuff that I pull from
the book.
Now let me layer in a few of myown strategies for living boldly
and unapologetically.
So one of the things that I hadto do was recognize my patterns
.
I really had to take some timeto reflect on where my
(45:31):
boundaries tended to blur andwhat I learned was that for me
it was with family and closefriends, and those relationships
were love and obligationintertwined with one another.
So those romantic relationships, so recognizing that has been a
(46:00):
game changer for me, becauseit's allowed me, with certain
close friends and especiallywhen I'm in romantic
relationships, I can have eitherrigid boundaries or porous
boundaries.
They're not always the healthyboundaries, right, but it's that
self-reflection andself-awareness and being able to
recognize your patterns.
That was why I love theactivity in the workbook where
(46:24):
she had you think about yourfamily, your close friends,
romantic partners, and made youtalk about the type of
boundaries that you have withthose individuals and why you
have the type of boundaries thatyou have.
Because that was one hell of aboundary audit for me, to be
honest, and it really did helpme recognize some of my patterns
(46:45):
, to begin shifting and changingwhen it came to my boundaries.
The other thing was practicingsaying no.
Saying no isn't just a boundary, it's an act of
self-preservation.
And starting with somethingsmall like turning down a low
stakes request, because each nobuilds your confidence and
(47:05):
strengthens your resolve, soreally getting to a place with
being comfortable with justsaying you know it's a no for me
, I can't do that, I don't wantto do that, no, and being OK
with that.
The next thing for me wasembracing the power of pausing
Before saying yes to something,out of just habit of just saying
(47:28):
yeah, I'll do that, or guilt.
Now, when somebody asks mesomething, can I do something?
I really kind of take a pauseand I ask myself like, do I have
time for this?
Do I have the energy for thisright now?
Does it even align with what Ivalue at the end of the day?
And those simple acts ofmindfulness can make all the
(47:51):
difference when you're makingyour decision and whether or not
you're going to maintain ahealthy boundary in that space.
Lastly, I want to talk about oneof the things I do is celebrate
every victory.
So I believe that you shouldalways celebrate your wins, your
big and your small wins.
We always like to celebrate thegrandiose things.
You should celebrate everyvictory.
(48:12):
Honoring your boundaries, nomatter how small, is worth
celebrating.
Did you say no withoutover-explaining?
That's a win.
Celebrate.
Did you leave a situation thatdrained you?
That's a win.
Celebrate.
Recognize these moments becausethey're building blocks of your
boundary masterpiece.
Now, the truth of the matter isthat we don't hear enough.
(48:37):
Guilt in this situation isnormal.
It's a byproduct of breakingpatterns that no longer serve
you.
But this is what I need you toremember Guilt, that's a visitor
.
It's not a roommate.
So acknowledge it, learn fromit, but don't let it take up
permanent residence in yourhouse.
(48:59):
Living hashtag.
The boundary life isn't easy,but I promise you it is so worth
it.
It has been a double-dutchjourney for me.
It will constantly be a journeyfor me, but it's a journey so
worth it.
It's a journey worth going onbecause when you set boundaries,
you're not just protecting yourpeace, you are creating a life
(49:20):
that you truly deserve.
Really think about theboundaries that you don't set
with your workplace, your family, your friends, your spouse,
your partner, whomever and whatdoes that do to you?
Are you always over-explaining,are you always stressed?
Are you burnt out?
Are you disconnected fromyourself?
(49:41):
Because you're so worried aboutother people?
You are pouring intoeverybody's cup.
All right, y'all.
We've covered a lot today.
We talked about what boundariesare, why they matter and how to
start practicing them in a waythat protects your peace and
supports your journey towardsliving.
Hashtag the boundary life.
Now here's your homework orchallenge for the week.
(50:03):
I want you to pick one area ofyour life it can be work, family
or personal time.
Then I want you to set aboundary.
Use the phrases that we talkedabout like I'm not available for
that right now or I need sometime to think about this and
then try the boundary audit, seehow it feels to honor your
truth and take that step towardsliving authentically.
(50:24):
Now, next week, we're divinginto freedom and empowerment.
We'll explore how livingauthentically and setting
healthy boundaries can help youreclaim your time, make aligned
decisions and find joy in thespace you've created for
yourself.
It's all about learning how tothrive in the life you've
intentionally designed.
So don't miss it.
But until then, remember thisboundaries aren't about keeping
(50:48):
people out.
They're about creating spacefor the people and the things
that matter the most.
Protect your peace, honor yourvalues and keep showing up as
your authentic self.
I'm Keisha, I'm your guide, I'myour host, but I just might be
your accountability partner atthe end of this.
This is the Authentic Life, andI'll see you next time.
(51:08):
Well, folks, the episode hascome to an end.
Thank you for hanging out withme on the Authentic Life.
If you love today's episode,don't forget to subscribe,
because subscribing it's justlike an instant invite to more
fun, to more inspiration and tomore authentic vibes.
I could also use a review, soleave a review or share this
with someone that you feel needsa little inspiration.
(51:30):
But whatever you do, let'sspread the joy of the authentic
life.
Remember this your authenticself is your greatest gift to
the world, and no one shouldever make you feel like you
aren't.
Until next time, stay true,stay bold and keep living the
authentic life Peace, love andblessings from your girl Keisha.
Hi, it's your girl, keisha, and welcome to the
Authentic Life.
Each episode, I'll guide you onthe journey to living fully,
freely and unapologetically.
Together, we'll dive into realstories, practical insights and
steps you can take to embraceyour truth and show up as your
most authentic self.
So guess what?
I am glad that you are herewith me.
Let's get started.
Glad that you are here with me,let's get started.
(00:26):
Hello, hello, hello and welcometo the Authentic Life, the
space where we explore what itreally means to live fully, to
live freely and, mostimportantly, to live
unapologetically as your trueself.
If you're new here, I'm Keisha,I'm your host, I'm your guide
and, by the end of this, I mighteven be your accountability
(00:48):
partner in this journey.
So, whether you're tuning infrom your car, your office or
your favorite cozy corner athome, your girl is just so glad
that you decided to be here withher today.
Now, before we dive in, I wantto take a moment to thank every
single person that has jumped onthis authentic life journey
with me, whether you'vedownloaded the podcast, you
(01:10):
shared it with your friends,you've sent me beautiful,
amazing messages, or you justtuned in to listen.
You've been incredible and I amso grateful.
I am so appreciative.
I am so very thankful.
I never really knew what theimpact would be when I am so
appreciative, I am so verythankful.
I never really knew what theimpact would be when I started
this podcast.
All I knew was I had somethingto say and I had been writing a
(01:34):
newsletter for a couple ofmonths and have released several
newsletters and I just feltlike it needed another way to
get out.
It needed to get out to morepeople, and so I decided to do
the podcast, and the podcast hasbeen podcasting, and many of
your messages that I've receivedfrom family members, from
(01:55):
friends, from colleagues andeven from people I don't even
really know or don't know at all, have been nothing short of
amazing.
Your words have beenconfirmation that I'm on the
right track and that I'm doingthe right thing.
If you know me and you'resomeone that knows me personally
you know I am all about pouringinto people and building people
up, and that is what I hopethis podcast is and will
(02:18):
continue to be.
You all have shared how theseconversations are opening your
eyes, how it's changing yourmindset, that even it's
relatable and you can seeyourself in some of the things
that I've said, and it's helpingyou take the first steps
towards living authentically.
And all of that meanseverything to me because, again,
it's doing what I hoped itwould do, right.
(02:40):
So I hope you all will continuedown this journey with me
because, remember, this wasn'tjust the launch of the authentic
life.
It was the launch of somethingthat just might change your life
Right Now.
Let's get into today's topic.
Last week, we broke down themyths about what living
authentically is not.
We talked about perfectionism.
We talked about people pleasing.
(03:00):
We talked about people pleasing.
We talked about shrinkingourselves and we talked about
living for the approval ofothers and as in how that traps
us and keeps us from our truth,right.
Well, today we're shiftinggears and we're talking about
something foundational to livingHashtag the authentic life and
that's boundaries.
Now, let me keep it real.
(03:29):
Boundaries are probably one ofthe hardest lessons I've had to
learn and also is a continuousdevelopment space.
For me, it is definitely ajourney and not a final
destination, because, dependingon the person or the situation,
I have gone from really healthyboundaries to letting people
overstep them completely.
Overstep them completely.
So, when I think about myfamily and my friends, and even
work, you know, I have let guiltmake decisions for me.
(03:52):
There have been times where Ireally didn't want to do a thing
and really didn't want to dosomething or really didn't want
to go anywhere.
But I let guilt talk me intosaying yes, knowing good and
well I wasn't trying to do thator not trying to go to that
place.
I have over committed to provethat I'm a team player right.
May it be at work or even insome of my dynamics, in my
relationships.
I've over committed just toprove to you that I belong in
(04:14):
this space, right.
So hopefully those are thingsthat sound familiar and it's a
work in progress.
For me it's been, it hasdefinitely been a game of double
dutch when I think about how Ifunction and operate in trying
to manage my boundaries.
So that's why today we arediving deep into hashtag the
boundary life.
We will explore what boundariesreally are.
(04:36):
We'll talk about the cost ofliving without them and then
we're going to I'm going to giveyou some practical, real life
strategies to start setting themin ways that feel doable, feels
doable and you don't feel theguilt that goes along with that.
Plus, I'll be sharing some gemsfrom one of my favorite books,
set Boundaries, find Peace byNedra Glover-Twob, along with my
(04:56):
own hard learned lessons, right?
So grab your coffee, grab yourtea, grab your glass of wine, or
maybe even a notebook orwhatever keeps you grounded, and
let's get into this.
So let's start with what areboundaries at their core?
For me, boundaries are thelimits we set to protect our
time, protect our peace, protectour energy and, most
(05:18):
importantly, protect ouremotional well-being.
They are absolutely not wallsto keep people out.
In my opinion, they're actuallybridges that guide others on
how to engage with us in waysthat align with our values.
Now, if you listened to thefirst four episodes hashtag the
authentic life I asked you allto do a little activity, and
(05:41):
that was to reflect on yourvalues.
I asked you what are the fivethings you value in your
professional life?
That's the way you collaboratewith colleagues, or maybe it's
the respect you give and receiveat work.
Then I asked you to think aboutwhat are the five things you
value in your personalrelationships.
This could be trust, honesty,transparency, open and effective
(06:05):
communication, or simply sharedexperiences with family,
friends or romantic partners.
Now here's the truth it'salmost impossible for you to set
meaningful boundaries withoutfirst knowing what you value.
You can't align boundaries withsomething you have yet to
define.
So if you didn't do theactivity, that's okay, that's
(06:29):
all right, it's cool.
Just pause and take some timeto reflect now, because the hope
is that everything we're doing,everything we're talking about,
is a building block, right?
And each episode is layeringonto the last to ultimately help
create a roadmap for us to livemore authentically, right?
(06:52):
So go back and do that activityif you didn't do that activity,
so that when you start settingthese boundaries, you know what
you are aligning it to.
Now, boundaries come in allshapes and sizes, just like us,
right?
So I want to break that downfor you.
So there are six types ofboundaries that I want us to
think about and, as I'm talkingabout them, I want you to think
(07:12):
about what type of boundariesyou have in those spaces.
So the first one is aroundphysical boundaries.
This involves your personalspace and your physical needs.
So, are you comfortable withhugging?
Do you like to be in closeproximity to people?
Are you someone that needsphysical affection, like I love
physical touch, affection, allthe things.
(07:33):
Are you someone that needs thatin your dynamics, right?
Or are you someone that needssix feet.
You know, give me some spaceBack up, you all in my personal
space.
I take a breath, you get halfof it.
See, I'm the one.
I want you to have half mybreath and I want half of yours.
So no conversation, though.
The next one is emotionalboundaries.
(07:53):
These help you protect yourfeelings and manage your
emotional energy right.
This is about those vibes thatwe'd be talking about.
You know, positive vibes, goodenergy that everybody wants,
right.
So this is really about who andwhat drains you.
Who and what energizes you.
When you know what youremotional boundaries are, that
(08:15):
helps you navigate that type ofstuff right.
The third one is around time.
It is what are your timeboundaries?
These are how you spend yourtime.
Maybe it's saying no tounnecessary meetings or just
taking some time for you,carving out some personal time
for you to practice self-careright.
(08:38):
The next one is relationshipboundaries.
This is one I think many of usstruggle with.
These define acceptablebehaviors in your interactions
with other people, like yourfamily, like your friends, like
your romantic partners, yourcolleagues.
How do you want to be treated?
(09:00):
Our favorite thing, what arethose non-negotiables for you in
that dynamic?
What are the things that islike, yeah, I'm not doing that,
we not doing that, I can't dothat, right.
The next one is around your workvalue.
I mean work boundaries.
This focuses on youravailability, your work hours,
how much of yourself you'repouring into your job, how much
(09:23):
you're giving to your job.
What does that balance looklike for you?
Work boundaries andrelationship boundaries, I think
, are the two most challengingones for us to balance, but I
think those are the ones thatprobably have some of the
greatest impact on us, becausemajority of us are working and
we are dealing, we have topeople, with the people on a
(09:45):
regular basis, right?
So maintaining relationships issomething we do all the time.
So, to me, while all six arethings that we potentially are
struggling with, those two, weprobably struggle with
maintaining healthy boundariesin those spaces, right, but
nonetheless.
The last one is around materialboundaries, and this is really
about how you share or not shareyour possessions and your
(10:07):
resources, like your money,stuff like that.
So those are the six type ofboundaries that you need to
begin to think about, and I wantyou to write in your notebook
for each type of boundary do youfeel like you have healthy
boundaries or not?
Right, and make this a yes orno question, right, because we
like to do yes, no, maybe socoulda, woulda, shoulda.
(10:29):
When it's just a no, yeah, noit's a no, it's a hard no, it's
a sentence.
You know, no is a sentence, noperiod, right?
And so take some time in yournotebook and really think about
what your boundaries look likein each area.
So now let's address a commonmisconception that boundaries
are selfish.
(10:49):
Right?
Some people feel like, hey,when I set up some type of
boundary, I'm being selfish.
But boundaries are not selfish.
And because so many peoplethink boundaries are selfish,
that leaves us in a place offeeling guilty.
And many of us feel guilty whenwe set boundaries because we're
worried it's taking somethingaway from other people, right,
but boundaries are not aboutwithholding anything.
(11:11):
They're actually aboutprotecting your peace,
protecting your energy,protecting your emotional
well-being.
And if we don't have them, yourisk pouring from an empty cup.
And, let's be honest, you can'tpour into others if your cup is
always empty.
But that's something that wetry to do all too often, right?
(11:33):
Many of us are pourers intopeople.
That's something that we thriveoff of, and if I were to think
about myself, I really feel likethat's why I was put on this
earth was to pour into peopleand it shows so much in some of
my boundaries that I havespecifically in my relationship
and my work boundaries, I willfeel, no matter what my job is,
(11:56):
no matter what it is, my job isto pour into people and that's
just how I'm built and that'sjust who I am.
But a lot of times I'm pouringfrom an empty cup.
So one thing I'm going to try todo is kind of highlight when
I'm going to talk aboutsomething personal right, and so
(12:16):
we're going to call thesetransparency moments or we're
going to call them TMs, and thisis the time in which I'm going
to share something personalright and kind of go through
this.
So my transparency moment isreally about how I think I
mentioned at the beginning ofthis.
If I think about the manythings in hashtag, the authentic
(12:37):
life I need to work onboundaries is the place that I
double dutch in right, so I havegood ones, I have healthy ones
sometimes, and healthy onessometimes dutch in right, so I
have good ones, I have healthyones sometimes and healthy ones
sometimes I don't right.
So in my transparency moment itreally comes from the place of
like the perception that peoplehave of me, right.
So I am viewed as like thisperson, with all of this
(13:01):
strength, right, misindependent,even though I have no desire to
be Miss independent.
I need a man, I want a man, allthe things right.
So it's not a desire to be Missindependent, but I think that
is the perception that manypeople have of me that I'm
strong, I'm the strong friend,I'm the strong colleague.
So if something is wrong, thatis who we call because she's the
(13:22):
fixer, she can fix it or shecan't fix it.
She can find someone who canfix it, or she can help me fix
it or she can talk me throughfixing it.
And so it really puts you intoa position of having to uphold
that perception that people haveof you.
And this is a lot of times thisis a perception that people
(13:42):
have of me before they even everexperienced me.
Right, I always got it.
I miss having it together, missput together, right.
I went to lunch with agirlfriend or went to dinner
with some friends and I think Italked about this in my previous
podcast, but it's a possibilityI did not and she was just like
Keisha.
You good, you okay.
I said, yeah she was like you,sure I you okay.
(14:05):
I said yeah, she was like you,sure.
I said yeah.
She said you know it's okay ifyou're not.
I said yeah, I know she waslike because you put up such a
strong front and you always arethere for people and you're
always like this strong presencethat you know.
I want you to know that it'sokay, that if you're not, okay
right.
So when in my transparencymoment and me really thinking
about you know me and myboundaries, this is a journey
(14:28):
for me and definitely not afinal destination, because that
is something that I use theanalogy of double dutch, because
with certain dynamics, I amdouble dutching when it comes to
my boundaries and it reallygoes back to that me being a
poor into people that I believethat I was put here to build
people up, to help you get towhatever your purpose is,
(14:53):
because I feel like I operate inmy purpose and is my duty to
help you get there.
In me, pouring into everybody'scup, into me, maintaining the
image of being the strong, theperson with all the strength,
the person that doesn't peoplethink I don't have issue or deal
with things.
That leaves me in a place ofbeing empty sometimes and I'm
(15:17):
not always replenished in theway that I pour, and I don't
have an expectation that I amreplenished in the way that I
pour.
I don't have an expectationthat I am replenished in the way
that I pour, but being strongall the time and having to
maintain that strength makes ithard to set boundaries.
Sometimes you always feelobligated to show up to give,
and a lot of times it's at myown expense.
(15:38):
I'm doing stuff I really don'twant to do.
I don't want to disappoint thepeople around me, really don't
want to do.
I don't want to disappoint thepeople around me.
I'm trying to maintain thisthought that you have of me
Generally.
It's a subconscious thing, I'malmost certain it's a
subconscious thing, butnonetheless I'm doing it and it
becomes exhausting, it becomes alot, and I'll admit I've had
(15:59):
seasons where I again doubledutch with my boundaries,
meaning sometimes I have reallyfirm boundaries and healthy
boundaries, and then there'sother times I let stuff slide.
But here's what I've learnedyou don't have to live in that
kind of cycle.
Boundaries are something thatyou practice and it's not a
one-time decision.
It's something that's a work inprogress for me, right.
(16:20):
However, when you are in aspace where you are always
pouring into people and youdon't want to disappoint people.
And if we think about it,that's where we began to shrink
ourselves right.
That's where that shrinkingyourself comes into play.
All of it ultimately tiestogether because that shrinking
and that feeling you have to beand do for everybody comes from
(16:43):
a place of not really havinghealthy boundaries or not really
setting your own standards ofhow you're going to interact and
engage with the people aroundme.
So if you're thinking about youknow when you should begin
thinking about boundaries andsetting those boundaries.
You really would want to focuson certain areas of your life
(17:06):
that you feel like you'restruggling.
So we talked about those sixtypes of boundaries.
I know work and relationshipare probably my two areas that I
don't necessarily always havefirm boundaries in, right, and
so I have to begin to figure outa way to manage that, or I have
figured out a way to try tomanage that right, but that's
something that you need to startdoing right.
(17:27):
So that's my transparencymoment.
Let's practice what it actuallylooks like right In action.
So if you just start out bysaying practicing these three
short phrases, simple phrases,right?
You can say I'm not availablefor that, or that doesn't work
for me, or you know what.
Let me get back to you on that.
(17:48):
Will that be okay?
Or just simply saying I'm justnot going to be able to do that?
Write those down, save them inyour phone, use them in
situations where the stakes arelow and you don't feel like if
you made one of those commentsit's going to cause an issue or
be a problem, right?
(18:09):
So, over time, you will feel asthough you are beginning to
embrace boundaries.
The more that you practice it,the more that you do utilize it
in low stake situations, you'llbegin to feel empowered.
Empowered to understand that,hey, you'll begin to feel
empowered.
Empowered to understand that,hey, you're honoring your truth.
And it's not just about settingboundaries, it's about being
(18:32):
okay with the boundaries thatyou set.
And I think that's where westruggle.
I think we know how to setboundaries.
I know how to set boundaries,we know what boundaries are, I
know exactly what my boundariesare.
But some cases we just feel badabout the boundaries we're
setting with the people thatwe're setting, or we're going,
(18:53):
or we go through all of thesedifferent things in our lives.
And if I set this boundary orif I do this thing, what is
going to happen if I do that?
And sometimes we get lost inthat or we get in a place of
fear, of loss of access tosomething that if I don't do
this or if I set this boundary,what is going to be the
(19:13):
repercussion of that?
And I think that's where theself-awareness and really doing
some self-reflection on who youare and all of the people that
you have in your life and thedynamics you have with those
people, and do those peoplebring out the best version of
you?
Or do they bring out thatwatered down version of you
(19:34):
where you don't have boundariesand you don't say all the things
that you want to say and youdon't say no, and you don't
protect your energy and youdon't protect your peace?
So, thinking about boundariesand boundaries in action, I
recently was going to dosomething for some folks, right,
and I was going back and forth.
Nobody asked me to do this.
Now, this was just somethingthat I was going to do because
(19:54):
I'm a nice person and I do nicethings.
I do little bitty things allthe time.
I can be extra at times, and sothis was something nice that I
wanted to do.
At least that was the idea Ihad in my mind when I originally
came up with the thing that,hey, I want to do this.
But then, the more I thoughtabout it was like you know, you
(20:15):
really don't want to do this, sowhy are you doing this?
And why do you continue to dothings that you don't really
want to do?
Why do you continue tooverextend yourself?
These are all the questionsthat are going on in my head,
right?
So this was a DIY project.
So I go to the store to buy theitems for the DIY project, even
(20:35):
though I went back and forth fora couple of days.
Kish, you're going to do this,you're not going to do this
because I didn't have a lot oftime to get this done.
And so when I get to the storeto purchase the stuff, while I'm
in the store, you know I'm justlooking window shopping and I'm
like you know what?
I'm not doing this.
Wait a minute, why am I doingthis?
(20:57):
I didn't want to do it and,honestly, if I'm gonna keep it a
whole book and y'all want toget inside my mind if I did do
it, it probably wouldn't havebeen appreciated anyway, not by
all, and there's never anexpectation that anything I do
comes with any accolades oranything like that, because I
just do the things that I wantto do.
But what I had to ask myself,which made me ask myself and it
(21:19):
wasn't just about this thingthat I was doing for these
people, I think in the time thatI was thinking about it, and
just the time that I am in mylife, I'm in a place of
assessment and it just was likethis is not the only thing that
I overextend myself for.
So why am I putting so muchtime and energy into something
(21:39):
right?
What am I hoping to get out ofdoing this?
What am I hoping to get out ofoverextending myself?
Am I overextending myself toprove, or what am I
overextending myself to prove?
Right?
And so really thinking aboutthat, and then I just came to
the decision.
You know what, yeah, I'm notdoing it.
That's a hard no for me.
And it felt good and it feltfreeing, and the thing that I
(22:03):
was going to do for them, I didfor myself.
So for me, it's really about thebeauty of boundaries allows you
to show up authenticallywithout burning out.
Boundaries are not about justprotecting you.
They are also about helping youbuild healthy, healthier
relationships with the people inyour life, may it be
(22:26):
professional or personal.
So if I overextend myself andother people see me constantly
overextending myself, they'renot going to have a problem
asking me to overextend myself,because I just show them that I
don't have a boundary when itcomes to that.
If transparency and honesty andopen, effective communication
(22:51):
are things that I value, butthen when I interact and engage
with you, that's not what I getfrom you, but we still
interacting and engaging.
I'm teaching you that I don'thave healthy boundaries.
So when we think aboutboundaries and we think about
having boundaries and puttingboundaries in place, that's just
(23:12):
not about protecting yourself.
It's really about helping youbuild healthier relationships
with the people in your life,because ultimately, doing that
that shows them how to engagewith you in a way that respects
you, that respects your time,that respects your energy and
ultimately respects your valuesand the things that you value.
(23:35):
So when you set boundaries, youare creating a bridge, baby,
not a barrier, and if someonecan't respect those boundaries,
that's a sign that you need tobe reassessing their place in
your life.
Boundaries are aboutself-awareness.
It's about taking a good lookat your relationships and your
surroundings, not just aboutyour good and your bad qualities
(23:59):
.
It's also about looking at yourrelationships and your
surroundings and the good andbad qualities of those things.
Are the people in your lifesupportive of the growth that
you are trying to do thosethings?
Are the people in your lifesupportive of the growth that
you are trying to do?
Are the people in your lifesupportive of the person that
you are good, bad and ugly?
Do the spaces you occupy alignwith your values?
Baby, this is a process.
(24:21):
Boundaries take practice andprogress takes time.
So I challenge you to startsmall, to honor your truth,
whatever that is, and remindyourself boundaries are a form
of self-care and you definitelydeserve that.
(24:43):
So what's the cost of not havingboundaries in your life?
We've talked about what theyare.
We've talked about why theymatter, but I really want to
spend some time talking aboutwhat happens when we don't have
any.
Now, as I mentioned before,boundaries are often
misunderstood as the walls thatpush people away, but in reality
, remember, they're actuallybridges that create balance.
(25:06):
They help us protect our time.
They help us protect our energyand our well-being, while also
helping us maintain healthyrelationships and a sense of
self.
Remember, I said that before,but let's face it, many of us
struggle to set boundaries andthe cost of living without them
can be staggering.
I mentioned that havingboundaries or setting boundaries
(25:28):
has been something that hasbeen difficult for me.
I've had a season where I'vebeen able to have really healthy
boundaries with every singleperson in my life, and then I've
had a season where I've letfear or I've let guilt or I've
let some other reason orsomething prevent me from having
the type of boundaries I needto have with people.
(25:48):
And so when you don't setboundaries, the consequences
don't just creep into your life,they actually take over.
It adds another layer of stress.
It adds another layer ofoverwhelmness.
It puts you in a position toshrink yourself right.
So we talked about in the lastepisode how we shrink ourselves
(26:10):
with people and in places, and alot of times it's that fear
Right, I said I don't have.
I've had moments where I didn'tmaintain boundaries out of fear
.
Right, it's the same thing.
And so when we think about it,there's different things that
can occur when you aren'tsetting boundaries Right.
So let's say you are the, I amthe person, and I think I
mentioned this before.
(26:30):
I am the person.
I'm the strong friend, I'mthere for everybody, I do all
the things.
Most people, when they theirperception of me is that I don't
know how to be vulnerable.
I don't.
I don't have no feelings and Igot all the things.
That's the funny thing.
I have all the things right.
But when you are that person, alot of times you end up not
(26:51):
always having healthy boundaries, and when you don't have
healthy boundaries, it bringswhat it brings about resentment.
Right?
You start to feel bitter aboutthe very commitments that you
agree to.
You start to feel bitter aboutthe very things that maybe in
the beginning you truly enjoydoing, that you no longer enjoy
doing or want to do anymore.
And that bitterness can seepinto the relationships, making
(27:12):
even positive interactions feelstrange.
Right, we always like to talkabout people's energy and people
don't.
Good vibes, positive vibes.
I'm a big believer ofunderstanding the environments
in which we function and operate.
And how do those environmentsimpact that energy and those
vibes?
Right?
And so if you're in that spaceand you're not setting healthy
(27:33):
boundaries in that space, then,yeah, you may not have positive
energy because you're in a placeof resentment, because now
you're feeling bitter about thecommitments that you used to be
super happy about doing.
Maybe in some cases, or maybeyou never, were happy right.
So always thinking about whenyou are in a place of resentment
around something that you'redoing, or is it possible that
(27:55):
you don't have a healthyboundary in that space?
The other thing that livingwithout boundaries does is put
us in a space of burnout.
When you're constantly givingmore than you have to give, it's
only a matter of time beforeyou hit a wall.
Emotional and physicalexhaustion becomes.
The norm for you is you don'thave anything else to give, you
(28:16):
don't?
You are pouring and pouring,and pouring, and your cup is
empty and your cup hasn't beenrefilled, and so now you're at a
place of burnout.
The other thing that livingwithout boundaries does is put
us in a place of disconnection.
Without boundaries, you'reconstantly pulled in different
directions by other people'sneeds.
This makes it easy to losesight of your own values, your
(28:40):
own goals and your own identity.
The next is it really can havesome health consequences.
Stress from overcommitmentdoesn't just affect your mood,
it affects your body.
Chronic stress can lead toanxiety, high blood pressure or
even serious illnesses over time.
So really taking time to thinkabout when?
I'm always stressed when I'maround this person or every time
(29:02):
this person call me.
I'm stressed because they wantto ask me to do this or I need
to do that.
You really need to kind of takestock of that.
That goes back toself-awareness.
Isn't just about you and doingself-reflection for yourself.
It's really thatself-reflection of everything
around you and all of the peoplearound you.
(29:23):
And what does that mean?
The other thing that livingwithout boundaries does is put
you in a position to miss out onopportunities, because saying
yes to everything leaves littleroom for things that truly
matter.
You may miss out on personalgrowth, meaningful relationships
or goals that you've put on theback burner because you're
trying to be everything foreverybody.
So you have to learn how tobalance that and how to get to a
(29:49):
place of having healthyboundaries.
So think about this If you'reconstantly running on empty, how
can you show up fully for thethings and the people that
matter the most?
Boundaries are essentialbecause they allow you to
protect what's most importantyour energy, your time and your
ability to live authentically.
So how do you begin settingboundaries?
(30:09):
Well, here's a quick littleexercise that I call the
boundary audit.
The first thing I want you todo is identify a stress point.
Write down one area in yourlife where you feel overextended
work, social commitments oreven your digital life, like
hello endless notifications,phone is always popping.
Next, I want you to name aboundary.
(30:31):
Decide on one boundary youcould set to protect your time
or your energy in thatparticular area.
Next, I want you to draft howyou communicate that boundary
clearly and respectfully.
Now, this is where I think westruggle, because oftentimes we
know what our stress, our stresspoint is.
We know when we feeloverextended, we know when we're
(30:55):
doing the most and we're doingtoo much, and we know when we
don't want to do a thing.
Right.
So, identifying the stresspoint I don't think it's a
problem for most of us, evennaming and deciding the boundary
that we need to set to not havethat stress point anymore.
I think we equally know whatthat is and can name it and
probably have named it, havesaid it out loud to ourselves
(31:18):
multiple times.
The struggle I think that wehave comes from the scripted
part, this part draft how youwill communicate that boundary
clearly and respectfully.
Right, that's the part that Ithink we struggle with.
We can do the other two pieces.
No problem.
I can write it down.
I can tell you what my problemis.
(31:39):
We can tell you what ourproblems are all day long.
Generally, we can tell you howto fix it.
I got several problems.
Right now I know exactly how tofix it.
It's that third one right there.
How do you communicate that outloud, right?
And so that's the place that westruggle because, depending on
the dynamics of ourrelationships, we do not want to
hurt people's feelings.
(32:05):
You or I don't like my job, orwhatever the case may be, but
ultimately it's stressing me out.
I ain't got time to do that.
I don't forget all of that.
Forget the niceness pieces ofit.
I don't even really want to doit.
Bottom line, I don't want to doit.
I got time.
I just don't want to do it.
But we are not alwayscomfortable setting those firm
(32:25):
boundaries with certain peoplein our lives and a lot of times
with work, we feel like we haveto do all the things.
Or we're not going to get thepromotion, or we're not going to
get the raise, or we're notgoing to be seen as someone that
can handle all the things.
But why I got to handle all thethings?
Why do I have to be the personthat has to do all the things to
make you feel see my value, ormake me or or make it seem like
(32:47):
I'm worth being in this place orbeing near you or talking to
you.
Why do I have to do all thethings Right?
And so those are all the thingsthat we think about when we're
talking about setting boundarieswith people.
But we want peace in our life.
But we want peace in our life,and peace starts with you.
We create a false sense ofpeace when we're not
(33:09):
communicating with people.
When we communicate, when wedon't communicate for the sake
of peace, we are creating ourown turmoil.
At the end of the day, the onlyperson that's in peace is the
person that's over there, notthe person over here trying to
maintain the peace for theperson over there.
So when we think about ourboundaries and we're doing this
(33:30):
boundary audit and you'reidentifying your stress point
and you're naming your boundaryand you're writing out how
you're going to communicate thatboundary, especially if it's
dealing with your job or family,friends or spouse or partner,
whatever the case may be, yougot to think about that dynamic.
And why do you feel that youcan't, no matter how well
crafted your script is, youdon't feel like you can
(33:54):
communicate that boundary.
Those are the type of thingsthat we need to be thinking
about, not just what a boundaryis and how to set the boundary,
because some boundaries are good, like my time and how I spend
my time.
Let's I was let's say it was awork example.
If work is bleeding into yourpersonal life, right, your
boundary might be I respond toemails during business hours,
(34:14):
but after six o'clock I'moffline, unless it's something
urgent, right.
That may be a very simple thingto implement, like for me, the
simplest thing would be is totake my emails off my phone so
that I'm not gettingnotifications every five minutes
about emails that are coming in.
Or, if I have a work chat,cutting my work chat off after a
certain period of time ormuting it so that I don't hear
(34:36):
it, and then cut it back on whenI go to work.
Some of those things are easierto implement.
I'm not going to be on socialmedia as much.
I'm not going to spend a lot ofmy time doing this or doing
that.
Those things are easy toimplement.
But when you're dealing withother people, when you got the
people with the people, and youhave to be able to people with
the people and then manage youremotions and their emotions
(34:58):
about this thing that you don'twant to do no more, especially
if the person has an expectationthat you're going to do that
thing or if it's your job thatcan.
That takes a lot out of you,and so you really got to get to
the root of why you don't wantto communicate that or why you
don't feel like you cancommunicate that.
But do a boundary audit andreally think about you know what
(35:19):
are some areas where you knowyou could have some better
boundaries and you want to startsmall.
You don't have to start reallybig.
It's just start small and beginto work your way into a place
where you are having healthyboundaries.
So setting boundaries ultimatelyis an act of self-respect.
It's about prioritizing yourwellbeing so you can show up as
(35:41):
the best version of yourself.
When you take the time toprotect your energy, you're not
just improving your life, you'recreating a space where you can
show up as the best version ofyourself.
When you take the time toprotect your energy, you're not
just improving your life, you'recreating a space where you can
thrive right, all of us.
Most of us have been on anairplane.
When we get on the airplane,the stewardess she does her
thing and she always tells us.
The one thing they always tellus to do is put your mask on
first before you put anybodyelse's mask on this plane, even
(36:07):
in a situation like that, theplane going down they are
telling you to take care of youfirst.
But when we operate in ourday-to-day lives, we put so many
people before us we don'tprioritize us and a lot of times
we don't see setting boundariesas a form of prioritizing us
and making ourselves important,just as important as the people
(36:29):
that we are saying yes to whenwe really want to say no.
So what I want you to thinkabout is what's one boundary you
can set today and implement?
And that's your first step inreally getting to a place where
you are living with boundariesinstead of living without
boundaries.
(36:51):
Ok, so now we're in thehomestretch.
We've talked about whatboundaries are.
We've talked about the cost ofliving without boundaries.
Now we're talking aboutstrategy.
So we're talking all strategy,because knowing about boundaries
is one thing, but livinghashtag the boundary life,
that's where the actualtransformation begins.
So let's dive right intostrategy.
So I'm going to start withsharing a few gems from the book
(37:14):
Set Boundaries, find Peace.
I will link the book and theworkbook that goes along with
the book in the show notes.
This is a book that I recommendto my leadership team, that
I've recommended to folks thatI've coached, as well as family
and friends.
It's a book that I havepersonally used for the last
year.
I've read it twice and I have Iutilize that workbook to work
(37:35):
through things, because I dothink that book can be a
resource and an essential guideto reclaiming hashtag the
boundary life if you'restruggling with boundaries.
But what I do want to add iswhat I want to challenge us all
to do is to be proactive in allof this stuff that we're doing,
right.
So if life is great for you andlife is not life for you and
(37:57):
you have healthy boundaries,you're living authentically,
you're doing all the things.
I still challenge you to do theactivities, to get the
resources, because let'smaintain that stuff, let's be
proactive instead of reactive,right.
So if I work out on a regularbasis, that puts me in a
position to be healthy, right.
But if I choose, if I get sickand then I go to the doctor and
(38:20):
the doctor says, hey, you needto start working out.
Now I'm being reactive when, ifI worked out the whole time, I
may not have ended up at thedoctor's office to begin with.
Have the same type of mindsetwhen you're thinking about your
mental health, your emotionalstability, your spiritual life,
your mindset, all of thosethings.
Make sure that you're beingproactive in trying to ensure
(38:41):
that, even though you may be ina great space, there is always a
possibility that you may notremain in that space.
So you want to already have theresources and the strategies to
be able to work an issue whenan issue becomes a problem for
you.
So, but first before we jumpinto some of those.
So let me back up for a second,get the book and the workbook.
(39:04):
Whether you have healthyboundaries or not, be proactive
instead of reactive.
Ok, now I can move on.
So it's crucial to understandthe quality of your boundaries.
So in the book she breaks thatdown.
She makes, she breaksboundaries down into three
categories.
She has it as healthyboundaries, rigid boundaries and
porous boundaries.
(39:24):
So healthy boundaries are thoseboundaries that strike a
balance.
They're clear, they're firm andrespectful.
They allow you to prioritizeyour needs while also
maintaining meaningfulrelationships.
So, for example, when you'reexpressing hey, I'm not
available tonight, but let'splan something for next week,
that allows you to set theboundary but also preserve the
(39:46):
connection.
A lot of times we say yesinstead of saying no because we
feel that if we say no it'sgoing to jeopardize the
connection that we have withthat person.
But this is a way to preservethat connection If you're in a
space to where it's a no rightnow but it could be a yes later
on, right?
The next one is the rigidboundaries.
(40:08):
These create walls to keepeveryone out, often as a
self-protective mechanism.
So, for example, refusing tolet anyone help you or share
personal stories about you maysignal that you have overly
rigid boundaries.
While they may prevent harm,they can also limit connection
and support.
So if you're not one to share alot like people that know me
(40:32):
know, if you don't ask, I don'ttell.
I don't always do a lot ofsharing that can be classified
as a rigid boundary right.
And so, understanding the why,I have to understand the why
behind that and why I choose tomake that.
And am I limiting connections?
And ultimately, do I care aboutthose connections that I'm
limiting if I'm not willing toshare.
(40:53):
So that's something that youhave to kind of work through and
process.
The next is around porousboundaries.
These are overly loose andallow others to take advantage
of you.
So signs of porous boundariesinclude saying yes when you want
to say no Oversharing I don'tthink people feel or understand
that oversharing is a form ofhaving overly loose boundaries,
(41:16):
but a lot of times we do thatbecause of spaces that we're in
right.
So being able to recognize thatis important.
Then feeling responsible forother people's emotions, based
off of setting the boundary.
So if I set the boundary, if Isay no, then they're going to be
upset or they're going torespond negatively.
It's not your responsibility tobe responsible for somebody
(41:37):
else's feelings or how theyrespond to something.
They are responsible for howthey regulate their own emotions
right.
Porous boundaries often lead toburnout and resentment.
Remember earlier we talkedabout the cost of living without
boundaries.
When you're always doing forpeople, when you're always
pouring into other people, whenyou're always saying yes when
(41:57):
you really wanna say no, whenyou're doing stuff that you have
no energy for, no time, for nodesire to do the thing right, it
leads to burnout, but it alsoleads to resentment.
There have been instances andtimes where I've had porous
boundaries with people, and Ican see the resentment every
time I interact with that person.
(42:19):
Because I don't have goodboundaries, I'm doing a bunch of
stuff that I really don't wantto do, but I am probably taking
on responsibility of how theymay respond, even potentially
not really knowing how theyrespond.
They may respond, but making anassumption about how they may
respond, and so then, like Idon't even really want to deal
(42:40):
with you, no more.
So understanding the threecategories and the quality of
your boundaries is just ascrucial to your understanding
the boundaries that you need toput in place.
Now.
Here are some strategies fromthe book.
Start small.
I mentioned that already.
(43:01):
Right, boundaries don't need tobe monumental to be impactful.
You can begin with onemanageable area.
Maybe it's declining extraresponsibilities at work or
carving out a quiet moment inyour day, just finding some time
to yourself and saying, hey,five minutes, 10 minutes, before
I start getting dressed, I'mgoing to do this thing.
Or before I start my day, I'mgoing to do this thing.
(43:21):
Or if someone says, hey, do youfeel like you can be on this
committee?
I don't have the capacity forthat right now.
So start small, use Istatements.
Ground your boundaries andself-ownership.
So take ownership of theboundaries that you're setting.
So try saying things like Ineed time to decompress after
work before diving intoconversations.
(43:42):
This approach is clear, firmand rooted in self-respect.
The next one is anticipatepushback.
When you start settingboundaries with people who you
haven't had any boundaries withespecially if you had porous
boundaries with thoseindividuals, honey, you are
challenging the status quo thatthey know, and not everybody's
(44:02):
going to cheer you on.
You're going to get somepushback.
You're going to have some folkthat don't understand why you're
changing.
What's going on, what happened,why are you changing?
But what you have to do is stayanchored in your why, and
that's because you're protectingyour peace, your energy and,
ultimately, your authenticity.
So be okay with the pushback.
(44:27):
Challenge the status quo thatthey know and if they don't
cheer you on, that's okay.
It's all right.
Everybody not going to be happywith everything that we do all
the time, it's okay.
We already talked about knowingthe types of boundaries.
So you have the physicalboundaries I don't like hugs,
don't touch me Six feetProtecting your personal space
and your physical well-being.
Those emotional boundaries, youknow I really can't discuss
(44:47):
that right now.
Can't discuss that topic rightnow.
Safeguard your feelings andyour emotional energy, those
time-based Look.
I need 30 minutes of myselfevery morning when I come to
work.
I don't want any meetings on mycalendar.
I don't really want a wholebunch of people coming in my
office.
I need some time to decompressMaterial.
I can't lend money out rightnow, so that's managing how you
(45:11):
share or protect yourpossessions.
So those are some strategiesand some stuff that I pull from
the book.
Now let me layer in a few of myown strategies for living boldly
and unapologetically.
So one of the things that I hadto do was recognize my patterns
.
I really had to take some timeto reflect on where my
(45:31):
boundaries tended to blur andwhat I learned was that for me
it was with family and closefriends, and those relationships
were love and obligationintertwined with one another.
So those romantic relationships, so recognizing that has been a
(46:00):
game changer for me, becauseit's allowed me, with certain
close friends and especiallywhen I'm in romantic
relationships, I can have eitherrigid boundaries or porous
boundaries.
They're not always the healthyboundaries, right, but it's that
self-reflection andself-awareness and being able to
recognize your patterns.
That was why I love theactivity in the workbook where
(46:24):
she had you think about yourfamily, your close friends,
romantic partners, and made youtalk about the type of
boundaries that you have withthose individuals and why you
have the type of boundaries thatyou have.
Because that was one hell of aboundary audit for me, to be
honest, and it really did helpme recognize some of my patterns
(46:45):
, to begin shifting and changingwhen it came to my boundaries.
The other thing was practicingsaying no.
Saying no isn't just a boundary, it's an act of
self-preservation.
And starting with somethingsmall like turning down a low
stakes request, because each nobuilds your confidence and
(47:05):
strengthens your resolve, soreally getting to a place with
being comfortable with justsaying you know it's a no for me
, I can't do that, I don't wantto do that, no, and being OK
with that.
The next thing for me wasembracing the power of pausing
Before saying yes to something,out of just habit of just saying
(47:28):
yeah, I'll do that, or guilt.
Now, when somebody asks mesomething, can I do something?
I really kind of take a pauseand I ask myself like, do I have
time for this?
Do I have the energy for thisright now?
Does it even align with what Ivalue at the end of the day?
And those simple acts ofmindfulness can make all the
(47:51):
difference when you're makingyour decision and whether or not
you're going to maintain ahealthy boundary in that space.
Lastly, I want to talk about oneof the things I do is celebrate
every victory.
So I believe that you shouldalways celebrate your wins, your
big and your small wins.
We always like to celebrate thegrandiose things.
You should celebrate everyvictory.
(48:12):
Honoring your boundaries, nomatter how small, is worth
celebrating.
Did you say no withoutover-explaining?
That's a win.
Celebrate.
Did you leave a situation thatdrained you?
That's a win.
Celebrate.
Recognize these moments becausethey're building blocks of your
boundary masterpiece.
Now, the truth of the matter isthat we don't hear enough.
(48:37):
Guilt in this situation isnormal.
It's a byproduct of breakingpatterns that no longer serve
you.
But this is what I need you toremember Guilt, that's a visitor
.
It's not a roommate.
So acknowledge it, learn fromit, but don't let it take up
permanent residence in yourhouse.
(48:59):
Living hashtag.
The boundary life isn't easy,but I promise you it is so worth
it.
It has been a double-dutchjourney for me.
It will constantly be a journeyfor me, but it's a journey so
worth it.
It's a journey worth going onbecause when you set boundaries,
you're not just protecting yourpeace, you are creating a life
(49:20):
that you truly deserve.
Really think about theboundaries that you don't set
with your workplace, your family, your friends, your spouse,
your partner, whomever and whatdoes that do to you?
Are you always over-explaining,are you always stressed?
Are you burnt out?
Are you disconnected fromyourself?
(49:41):
Because you're so worried aboutother people?
You are pouring intoeverybody's cup.
All right, y'all.
We've covered a lot today.
We talked about what boundariesare, why they matter and how to
start practicing them in a waythat protects your peace and
supports your journey towardsliving.
Hashtag the boundary life.
Now here's your homework orchallenge for the week.
(50:03):
I want you to pick one area ofyour life it can be work, family
or personal time.
Then I want you to set aboundary.
Use the phrases that we talkedabout like I'm not available for
that right now or I need sometime to think about this and
then try the boundary audit, seehow it feels to honor your
truth and take that step towardsliving authentically.
(50:24):
Now, next week, we're divinginto freedom and empowerment.
We'll explore how livingauthentically and setting
healthy boundaries can help youreclaim your time, make aligned
decisions and find joy in thespace you've created for
yourself.
It's all about learning how tothrive in the life you've
intentionally designed.
So don't miss it.
But until then, remember thisboundaries aren't about keeping
(50:48):
people out.
They're about creating spacefor the people and the things
that matter the most.
Protect your peace, honor yourvalues and keep showing up as
your authentic self.
I'm Keisha, I'm your guide, I'myour host, but I just might be
your accountability partner atthe end of this.
This is the Authentic Life, andI'll see you next time.
(51:08):
Well, folks, the episode hascome to an end.
Thank you for hanging out withme on the Authentic Life.
If you love today's episode,don't forget to subscribe,
because subscribing it's justlike an instant invite to more
fun, to more inspiration and tomore authentic vibes.
I could also use a review, soleave a review or share this
with someone that you feel needsa little inspiration.
(51:30):
But whatever you do, let'sspread the joy of the authentic
life.
Remember this your authenticself is your greatest gift to
the world, and no one shouldever make you feel like you
aren't.
Until next time, stay true,stay bold and keep living the
authentic life Peace, love andblessings from your girl Keisha.
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