May 12, 2025 • 31 mins
Are you choosing niceness over honesty? In this episode, we explore the difference between being nice and being kind—and how one keeps you small while the other sets you free. Let’s talk boundaries, truth-telling, and living in alignment.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, it's your girl, keisha, and welcome to the
Authentic Life.
Each episode, I'll guide you onthe journey to living fully,
freely and unapologetically.
Together, we'll dive into realstories, practical insights and
steps you can take to embraceyour truth and show up as your
most authentic self.
So guess what?
I am glad that you are herewith me, let's get started.
Glad that you are here with me,let's get started.
(00:25):
Hello, hello, hello and welcometo Hashtag the Authentic Life,
a space where we explore what itreally means to live fully, to
live freely and, mostimportantly, unapologetically as
your true self.
It's your girl, keisha, and ifyou're new here, I'm your host,
I'm your guide and I might justbe your accountability partner
(00:46):
on this journey.
So, whether you're tuning infrom your car, your office or
your favorite cozy corner athome, your girl is just glad
that you decided to be here withher today.
This podcast, for me, is wherewe pull back the layers, where
we shake off the performance andwe get real about what it means
to live a life that feelsaligned, courageous and true.
(01:08):
My hope is that we are creatinga space where we name what
needs to be named and live intowhat needs to be claimed.
This is where we stopperforming and start becoming.
If you're new here, welcome tothe movement and if you're
returning, thank you.
Thank you for doing this lifework with me.
Now I've got to be honest withyou all.
(01:30):
Today's episode was supposed tobe about hashtag the like versus
love life.
That was the original plan, butafter a few conversations, some
self-check moments and a lot ofreflections, I knew I had to
shift gears a little bit.
That episode is still coming,but something deeper and more
urgent kept rising to thesurface, something I needed to
process out loud, and that's howwe arrived at this hashtag the
(01:52):
kind versus nice life.
So last time we talked abouthashtag the good person life,
how being seen as good can trapus in a loop of being people
pleasing perfectionism andperformance.
We explored how the need to beperceived as good can trap us in
a loop of being people pleasingperfectionism and performance.
We explored how the need to beperceived as good sometimes
blocks us from actually doingwhat's right for ourselves and
for others, and sometimes blocksus from taking accountability.
(02:15):
This episode, for me, is anatural continuation of that,
because, while good often showsup as performance, so does nice,
and that's where we begin.
So let's be real.
Nice is often taught beforekindness.
We're told as children to benice, not to interrupt, not to
speak, not to make waves.
(02:35):
But being nice isn't alwayshonest.
In fact, nice can bemanipulative, transactional or
even a survival strategy.
Kindness, on the other hand,kindness is rooted in integrity,
is rooted in love, respect andtruth, even when truth is
uncomfortable.
So you ready to get this thingstarted?
Let's go, okay.
(03:01):
So we're going to start thisthing off, talking about the
niceness programming and how weeven get to this place of being
nice.
So we're going to start thisthing off, talking about the
niceness programming and how weeven get to this place of being
nice.
So we're going to start wheremany of us start, and that's
childhood.
That's often where we firstlearn the silent rules of how to
be, especially when it comes tohow we show up for others.
Be a nice sister, they say.
(03:22):
Be nice to your teacher.
Say yes even when you don'twant to.
We weren't taught to honor ourboundaries.
We were taught to smooth thingsover, to put others first, to
swallow our truth for the sakeof someone else's comfort.
Niceness became a currency.
(03:45):
It became a survival skill, away to belong, especially if you
were a female, especially ifyou were a person of color,
especially if you grew up in afamily, culture or faith
tradition where being likedmeant being safe.
But let's call it what it reallyis it's programming, because
(04:07):
niceness it isn't truth, it'sperformance.
It's performance of beingagreeable, being pleasant, even
when your spirit is agitated,your body is screaming no and
your mind is begging you tospeak up.
And after a while thatperformance becomes automatic.
(04:28):
You become fluent in peoplepleasing, you say yes when you
mean no, you laugh when you wantto walk away, you apologize for
simply existing with needs,opinions and limits.
You shrink, not because youwant to, but because you've been
conditioned to believe thatyour power, your presence, your
too muchness is a problem.
(04:48):
And that's when the mask ofniceness becomes a trap.
It disconnects you from yourvoice, from your values, from
your truth, and eventually itcosts you your peace.
So how do we break free fromthat conditioning?
How do we unlearn theperformance and return to
something real?
The first thing I would say isidentify the voice behind being
(05:12):
nice.
Ask yourself, whose voice do Ihear when I feel guilty for
saying no?
Is it a parent, a teacher, apastor?
Naming the source helps break.
It helps you to break itsunconscious hold.
Replace the phrase instead ofbe nice, start practicing.
Be honest with love and be realand respectful.
(05:34):
Say it out loud.
Use it as a grounding mantrawhen you feel yourself slipping
into performance.
Think about in journal the veryfirst time you were punished for
not being nice.
Write about it.
Explore how that moment shapedyour current behavior.
What message did youinternalize about your worth,
(05:55):
your voice and your autonomy andthat special thing you know?
I like that.
I tell y'all to think about allthe time.
Track those triggers For oneday.
Jot down every time you feelpressured to be nice rather than
honest.
Reflect what triggered the urge.
What did I give up in thatmoment?
And then anchor a new belief.
(06:17):
Create a new mantra, somethingthat you can repeat daily, like
my safety is not my silence.
My peace is my truth.
Do some reflection.
Who taught you that being nicewas more important than being
honest?
What did you lose in order tobe liked?
What truth have you beenholding back for the sake of
(06:39):
approval?
Now let's talk about whathappens when that programming
goes unchecked, because whenniceness becomes your default
setting, it doesn't just costyou clarity, it can lead you
straight into resentment,burnout and a life that doesn't
even feel like it's your own.
Ok, so now we're going to talkabout the trap of niceness.
(07:02):
On the surface niceness seemsharmless, even virtuous.
It looks like cooperation, itcan look like support, it can
even look like peacekeepingright.
But if you really sit with it,you'll start to notice something
a little bit deeper thatniceness has a cost.
You say yes to everything andthen you complain to yourself in
(07:26):
the car because you're runningon empty.
You nod along in meetings evenwhen your gut is screaming this
ain't right.
And then you vent to your bestfriend later, like I sent my
best friend a long, long, longlittle message here recently.
You show up, you smile, youperform support, but behind the
(07:48):
smile you're stretched too thin,you're tired, you're irritated,
you're quietly unraveling.
That's not kindness, that's notauthenticity, that's emotional
dishonesty.
And emotional dishonestydoesn't build connection, it
erodes it, it creates resentment, it fractures trust, it
(08:09):
distances you from yourself andfrom others.
Because when people don't getthe real you, even your yes,
becomes a lie and that lie itstarts to pile up your body.
In your body, in your tone, inyour energy.
You're doing the right thing onthe outside, but it doesn't
feel right on the inside.
(08:30):
I remember a moment in my lifewhen I was completely
overwhelmed.
I had said yes again to helpingsomeone with something I had
absolutely no bandwidth for.
I was already behind in some ofmy own commitments, I really
wasn't getting a lot of rest and, to be honest, I was
emotionally tapped out.
But I said yes because I didn'twant to seem unhelpful.
(08:50):
I didn't want them to think Ididn't care.
I didn't want them to thinkthat I was a bad friend.
But here's what happened.
I showed up but I really wasn'tthere.
I was irritated the whole time,I was short and, worst of all,
I felt a little bit ofresentment, not to them, but to
myself.
That day I realized something Iwasn't doing them a favor, I
(09:13):
was faking it and I wasn't beingkind to them and I definitely
wasn't being kind to me.
When you think about stuff likethat, I want you to start asking
yourself this simple questionbefore you even say yes to
something Is my yes honest or amI just being polite?
Because a polite yes with abitter heart is still a no in
(09:35):
disguise.
A real yes comes with energy,presence and intention.
Anything else is a quietbetrayal of yourself.
So do me a favor right, quick,open your notes app or your
journal and write this down whatis nice?
What is being nice cost me?
Think beyond the surface.
Think about energy, peace,self-respect, time with your
(09:56):
family, mental health.
Let's be honest, in some caseslet's just be messy.
So if niceness is all aboutkeeping the peace on the outside
, what does real peace look likeon the inside?
What does kindness, grounded,honest, soul level kindness
actually look and feel like?
(10:17):
So let's make this shift right,quick.
Okay.
So what does kindness reallymean?
Let's pause and make somethingclear.
Kindness is not the same thingas niceness.
They may look similar on thesurface, but at the core they
are very different energies.
Niceness is about beingperceived a certain way.
(10:39):
Kindness is about being presentin a certain way.
Niceness is about comfort.
Kindness is about care.
Niceness wants to avoidconflict, smooth things over and
keep everyone happy, even if itmeans self-betrayal.
But kindness?
Kindness is rooted in truth, inclarity, in courage, in love.
(10:59):
Kindness says I respect youenough to be honest with you.
I care about you enough tospeak the truth, even if it's
uncomfortable.
I love myself enough to holdthis boundary, even if it
disappoints you.
Kindness doesn't perform, itdoesn't pretend, it doesn't
pacify.
It meets people where they are,but it doesn't leave you behind
(11:23):
in the process.
Let me be clear Kindnessdoesn't leave you behind in the
process.
Let me be clear Kindnessdoesn't always feel good in the
moment.
It might ruffle a little bit offeathers, it might shake the
room a little bit, it mightcause a pause in a relationship,
but it always serves good inthe long run because kindness
honors both the other person andyourself.
It's not a quick fix, it's thelong game, it's a commitment to
(11:45):
authenticity and emotionalintegrity.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say a friend keepsoverstepping a boundary.
They keep asking you to dothings.
Last minute the nice responsemight sound like sure, no
problem, even though you'refrustrated.
But the kind response may soundlike hey, I really value our
friendship and I want to supportyou.
(12:05):
But I also need some notice inthe future, because last minute
requests stress me out or thismay be uncomfortable, but I need
to say it because I care aboutus.
That's not rude, that's notmean, that's kind, because it
invites truth into therelationship and it allows room
for mutual respect.
So I want you to use thisframework as a guide when you're
(12:28):
practicing real kindness.
First, I want you to lead withintention.
Ask yourself what do I reallywant from this conversation?
Is it connection, clarity,resolution?
Then speak with clarity.
Avoid sugarcoating or vague,vague language.
You don't need to be harsh, butyou don't, but you do need to
be honest.
Then, lastly, stay grounded inlove.
(12:51):
Let your tone, your words andyour presence reflect care, even
if the message message is hard.
Write this down and say it outloud.
Let it live in your body.
Kindness, isness is clarity withcompassion, truth with
tenderness and boundaries withlove.
Take a moment and really thinkabout this.
(13:11):
What's one conversation I'vebeen avoiding because I want to
be seen as nice?
Whose comfort are youprotecting by shrinking your
truth?
What might change if you choosekindness over niceness in that
moment?
Write about it, speak it outloud, practice it in your mind.
That's how we build new habits.
(13:32):
But let's name the truth here.
Kindness takes courage, it takespractice, it takes presence, it
takes a willingness to bemisunderstood sometimes, and
that's why so many of us, notjust performance.
So let's go there.
(13:52):
Let's talk about the fear thatmake us default to niceness in
the first place.
Okay, so why does kindness feelrisky, or what's the fear about
being kind?
Let's be real Kindness can feelrisky, not because it's wrong,
but because we've beenconditioned to believe that
(14:14):
telling the truth comes withconsequences, especially when
you've spent years, maybe even alifetime, being rewarded for
being agreeable.
You worry that speaking yourtruth will make you seem rude.
You fear that setting aboundary will make people call
you difficult, dramatic orselfish.
Boundary will make people callyou difficult, dramatic or
(14:37):
selfish.
You hold back how you reallyfeel, just to keep the peace,
just to keep the relationship,just to keep your image intact.
But let me ask you somethinghard If the relationship can't
hold your truth, is it really asafe relationship?
If your workplace can't receivehonest feedback without
labeling you as unprofessionalor emotional, is that a healthy
(15:00):
environment?
Because when we equate honestywith harm, we start silencing
ourselves to feel safe.
But that safety is often justsilence dressed up as security.
So I've had moments, personallyand professionally, where I've
shared something that was honest, heartfelt and clear.
You know me, if you know me, Iam very transparent, I am direct
, I am all the things right.
(15:22):
I don't do a bunch of fluff Ithink I've mentioned that before
but I still maintain levels ofcare, respect, professionalism,
all the things.
And I try not to be harsh orattacking and just be honest.
And I still have watched peoplepull back.
I've watched energy shift.
(15:44):
I've seen people I love retreatemotionally and become
emotionally unavailable becauseI was expressive and honest.
I've seen colleagues and othersbecome distant.
And you know, at the end of theday, stuff like that hurts,
right.
It made me question did I dosomething wrong?
Should I have not said that?
Should I have kept it to myself?
(16:05):
Was it even worth me bringingit up?
But here's the truth that Ialways come back to.
I would rather lose temporaryapproval than permanently lose
myself.
I would rather feel the stingof someone else's discomfort
than live with the dull ache ofmy own self-abandonment.
(16:26):
So I want to give you twoexamples.
I want to give you this in awhat it looks like in a
relationship and then what itlooks like, potentially, at work
.
So let's say you're in arelationship May it be romantic,
friendship, family, whateverand there's a pattern that's
hurting you.
Maybe your partner dismissesyour emotions when you're
vulnerable.
Maybe your friend jokes at yourexpense and always laughs
(16:47):
things off.
Now you could keep playing.
Nice, you can keep the peace forthe sake of keeping the peace,
when in reality there is nopeace, there's just chaos and
confusion.
You can smile through thediscomfort, but what's the cost?
Now imagine this.
You say I want to sharesomething that's been sitting
heavy on my heart.
When I open up and I feeldismissed, it makes me want to
(17:11):
shut down.
I'm not saying this to blameyou.
I'm saying it because I want usto feel safe together.
Now, that's not rude, that's notdramatic, that's real, that's
kindness with a backbone.
That's what builds intimacy,not just connection with people.
So, being okay to expressyourself and being okay
(17:31):
expressing yourself and how youfeel should be something that
you do.
But when you think about thiskindness versus niceness thing,
we always revert back to thebeing nice, right, we always
revert back to I have to be nice, I have to be nice to my
partner, I have to be nice to mysister, I always have to be
(17:56):
nice and we skip the kindnessand, as I mentioned earlier,
that's not the truth.
We end up hurting ourselvestrying to again maintain the
peace.
So here's a work, maybeleadership example, right?
So let's shift the lens to theworkplace.
And you know I do a lot.
I'm in a leadership role.
(18:16):
I do a lot with leaders, so I'mgoing to come from a leader's
lens.
So you're a leader, or maybeyou're just someone with a seat
at the table and there's aprocess that's inefficient, a
colleague who's disrespectful, apolicy that unintentionally
excludes people.
Niceness says it's fine, keisha, don't rock the boat.
(18:38):
Kindness says this deserves tobe named because people are
being impacted.
You might say to your team Iwant to offer a perspective I
think could help us move forward.
I know it may feeluncomfortable, but I believe
discomfort can lead to growth.
You're not attacking, you'renot grandstanding.
(18:59):
You're bringing clarity withcare.
And that's the mark of a leader, not a peacekeeper, especially
in the workplace and inleadership.
What I find so frequently withpeople in leadership roles and I
think this is how the kindnessversus nice life is a good
partner to hashtag the goodperson life, because as leaders
(19:21):
and as we're in these spaces, wewant to be nice, right.
We want people to like us, wewant people to respect us and
all of the things, and so a lotof times we don't deal with
stuff because we're trying tomaintain the peace.
A lot of times, we're nothonest because we're trying to
(19:43):
maintain the peace.
A lot of times we don't say thethings that need to be said
because we're trying to be nice,we're so worried about being
nice because nice equates to mebeing a good person.
Nice equates to me being likedto where I can't even lead
properly.
And so, thinking about this andunderstanding that as a leader,
(20:06):
do you really ask yourself as aleader, do you really want to
be nice all the time?
Can you even be nice all thetime in your role?
Or is it that I should reallyfocus on being a kind leader and
supporting and supervising mystaff with care in all of the
things?
But at the same time, I have anunderstanding that me trying to
(20:29):
be nice all the time isn'tgoing to accomplish what I'm
trying to accomplish at the endof the day.
So that's what I want you tothink about from that workplace
perspective.
As a leader, are you morefocused on being kind or being
nice?
Now, if being kind in this wayfeels unfamiliar, that's okay.
(20:50):
Honesty is a muscle and, likeany muscle, it builds with
practice.
So we're going to start small.
We're going to say things likeactually, that doesn't work for
me.
Can I be honest about somethingthat's been on my heart or I
don't feel aligned with thisdecision.
Here's why Practice lowpractices and low risk spaces
with people you trust andstretch, because every time you
(21:12):
tell the truth with kindness youbuild a little more trust in
yourself and with other people.
So how do we actually build thatkindness muscle in our
day-to-day lives?
How do we bring our truth intoreal moments, real conversations
, real choices, without feartaking the lead?
Let's walk it out.
Let's get into this dailypractice.
So we've talked about whatkindness is.
(21:37):
We've talked about why it feelsrisky.
Now let's talk about what itlooks like in real life, because
kindness isn't just a concept,it's a practice.
It's not something you turn ononly during hard conversations.
It's a muscle you build in youreveryday choices, your language
and your presence.
And, like any muscle, it takestime and tension and repetition.
(21:58):
So here are five real ways topractice kindness without
defaulting back to the old habitof niceness.
The first one is pausing beforeresponding.
We often feel pressured torespond immediately, to say yes,
to solve, to smooth things overin the moment.
But you don't have to.
You can pause, try saying letme think about that and get back
(22:20):
to you.
That's kind to them and to youbecause it gives you time to
check in with your own truthbefore you perform someone
else's expectation that onesentence is boundary in disguise
the ones that one sentence isboundary in disguise your
boundary language.
Number two your boundarylanguage that honors everyone.
Setting a boundary doesn't meanyou don't care.
(22:42):
It means you care enough to behonest about your capacity.
So try saying things like Ireally want to support you, but
I don't have the capacity rightnow.
Or that sounds like somethingI'd enjoy, but my schedule is
full and I need to honor that.
That's not me, that's not Cole.
That's what it means topractice self-respect without
disrespecting others.
(23:02):
Number three be honest withoutblame.
It's possible to speak yourtruth without pointing fingers,
to share what's real for youwithout making someone else
wrong.
So try saying things likehere's how I felt in that moment
and I wanted to share it withyou.
You're not accusing anyone,you're not attacking anyone.
You're revealing a truth thathelps the other person
(23:24):
understand you better, andthat's kindness.
Then start small.
If verbal honesty feelsoverwhelming, start where it's
safer.
Try texting, writing an email,journal, what you want to say
before you say it.
That isn't about perfection,it's about practice.
Your voice is a muscle, andstarting small still builds
strength.
(23:45):
And lastly, talk to yourselfwith kindness.
Let's not forget this.
You are not just being kind toothers, you're being kind to
yourself, and that starts withyour inner voice.
If you catch yourself peoplepleasing again, don't spiral
into shame.
Don't beat yourself up for oldpatterns.
Just notice it.
Pause, pivot and say this toyourself Okay, I did the thing
(24:10):
again, I'm learning.
I'm growing.
Next time I'll do different.
I did the thing again.
I'm learning.
I'm growing.
Next time I'll be, I'll dodifferent.
That's self-kindness, that'semotional maturity.
That's real work.
So I remember having aconversation with someone that I
deeply cared about and we hadbeen dancing around some tension
for a couple of weeks.
I think both of us were tryingto be nice, but both of us were
(24:33):
really avoiding what needed tobe said.
So finally, I just decided tosay that you know, I want to
keep walking with you, but Ineed to be honest about what
isn't working for me.
And was that something that washard?
Absolutely.
You know, I'm one of thosepeople that I do care about
(24:55):
people, but I also have come toa place that I understand that a
closed mouth does not get fed.
So, yes, I said that thing withlove, but I also said it with
clarity and care.
And what happened next is thatour conversation shifted.
We were able to build trust.
It created a space where bothof us felt like we could be seen
(25:16):
, not just liked, and that wecould have good conversation and
we could have a good dialoguewithout things having to go left
, because, at the end of the day, kindness builds intimacy, it
bridges the gap betweenperformance and presence.
So how do we carry all of thisinto our daily lives?
Not just in hard conversations,but in how we live, how we lead
(25:41):
, how we love.
So let's bring it all together.
Let's talk about what kindnesscentered, what a kindness
centered life actually lookslike, moment by moment.
Okay, so we are coming to theend down this hill and we're
almost done.
So what does it actually looklike to live the kind life?
(26:03):
It's not just about the wordsyou say.
It's about the way you show up.
It's about the energy you carry, the choices you make and the
boundaries you hold.
Living the kind life means youlead with truth, even when it's
hard, even when it shakes theroom, even when your voice
trembles and your heart isbeating fast, because you know
(26:25):
the truth is love in motion.
It means you stop shrinkingyourself to keep other people
comfortable.
You stop performing forapproval, you stop editing your
soul just to be more acceptableto people, because your light,
your voice, your truth is nottoo much.
It's just dimmed by thepressure to be agreeable.
(26:45):
Living the kind life also meansyou're willing to sit in
discomfort your own and others.
If it brings you into alignmentwith your values, your voice
and your purpose, then that's agreat thing.
It means saying I love youenough to be honest.
I respect this space enough tospeak the truth.
(27:08):
I love myself enough to stopapologizing for being clear.
Let me say that again for thefolks in the back Stop
apologizing for being clear,stop apologizing for being clear
.
Clarity is kindness.
Confusion isn't compassion.
It's avoidance dressed in asmile.
(27:29):
So these are some questions Iwant you to sit with.
Let these questions anchor youthis week.
Write them down, reflect onthem in your quiet moments.
Let them challenge and stretchyou.
First one is where can I choosekindness over niceness this
week?
Think about your meetings, yourrelationships, your family
(27:51):
dynamics.
Where can you swap performancefor presence?
Number two who needs my truthmore than my performance?
Who in your life is getting theedited version of you.
What would it look like to givethem the honest, grounded,
clear version?
Number three where am I stillshrinking?
(28:13):
Where are you dimming yourtruth to protect someone else's
comfort?
Where are you betrayingyourself to belong?
Now you know your girl hasadded a challenge.
So this is your challenge forthe week and, yes, I want y'all
to actually do it and not justlisten.
I want you to choose one momentthis week where you would
normally default to being niceand instead choose to be kind.
(28:37):
This could be saying no to arequest that drains you,
speaking up in a meeting withyour honest opinion, or telling
someone that you love with careabout how something that they
did made you feel.
Then I want you to reflect onhow it felt.
Did it shake you, empower you,free?
You Journal it, voice memo it,sit with it, because that's
(29:01):
where the growth lives and, ifyou're willing, I want to hear
about it.
So if this episode spoke to you, if something in it cracked
open a layer you've been hidingbehind, I want you to share it,
take a screenshot, post it onInstagram or LinkedIn and tag me
on Instagram podcasting withKeisha.
On LinkedIn.
(29:21):
On Instagram podcasting withKeisha.
On LinkedIn, it's just KeishaJones and use the hashtag the
kind versus nice life or hashtagthe authentic life, so we can
celebrate your journey.
And here's the thing, friendyou're not here to be small.
You're not here to be liked atthe expense of being whole.
You're here to live withcourage, love with honesty and
(29:41):
lead with truth.
So let's stop performing andstart showing up Not just nice
but real, not just polite butpowerful, not just agreeable but
aligned.
This is hashtag the nice versuskind life, and I'm living it
with you.
Until next time, keep showing upwith truth, tenderness and
(30:02):
audacity.
You deserve that kind of lifeIn the world.
It needs that kind of you.
So until next time, peace andblessings from your girl, keisha
.
Well, folks, the episode hascome to an end.
Thank you for hanging out withme on the Authentic Life.
If you loved today's episode,don't forget to subscribe,
because subscribing is just likean instant invite to more fun,
(30:24):
to more inspiration and to moreauthentic vibes.
I could also use a review, soleave a review or share this
with someone that you feel needsa little inspiration.
But whatever you do, let'sspread the joy of the authentic
life.
Remember this your authenticself is your greatest gift to
the world, and no one shouldever make you feel like you
aren't.
Until next time, stay true,stay bold and keep living the
(30:48):
authentic life.
Peace, love and blessings fromyour girl, keisha.
Hi, it's your girl, keisha, and welcome to the
Authentic Life.
Each episode, I'll guide you onthe journey to living fully,
freely and unapologetically.
Together, we'll dive into realstories, practical insights and
steps you can take to embraceyour truth and show up as your
most authentic self.
So guess what?
I am glad that you are herewith me, let's get started.
Glad that you are here with me,let's get started.
(00:25):
Hello, hello, hello and welcometo Hashtag the Authentic Life,
a space where we explore what itreally means to live fully, to
live freely and, mostimportantly, unapologetically as
your true self.
It's your girl, keisha, and ifyou're new here, I'm your host,
I'm your guide and I might justbe your accountability partner
(00:46):
on this journey.
So, whether you're tuning infrom your car, your office or
your favorite cozy corner athome, your girl is just glad
that you decided to be here withher today.
This podcast, for me, is wherewe pull back the layers, where
we shake off the performance andwe get real about what it means
to live a life that feelsaligned, courageous and true.
(01:08):
My hope is that we are creatinga space where we name what
needs to be named and live intowhat needs to be claimed.
This is where we stopperforming and start becoming.
If you're new here, welcome tothe movement and if you're
returning, thank you.
Thank you for doing this lifework with me.
Now I've got to be honest withyou all.
(01:30):
Today's episode was supposed tobe about hashtag the like versus
love life.
That was the original plan, butafter a few conversations, some
self-check moments and a lot ofreflections, I knew I had to
shift gears a little bit.
That episode is still coming,but something deeper and more
urgent kept rising to thesurface, something I needed to
process out loud, and that's howwe arrived at this hashtag the
(01:52):
kind versus nice life.
So last time we talked abouthashtag the good person life,
how being seen as good can trapus in a loop of being people
pleasing perfectionism andperformance.
We explored how the need to beperceived as good can trap us in
a loop of being people pleasingperfectionism and performance.
We explored how the need to beperceived as good sometimes
blocks us from actually doingwhat's right for ourselves and
for others, and sometimes blocksus from taking accountability.
(02:15):
This episode, for me, is anatural continuation of that,
because, while good often showsup as performance, so does nice,
and that's where we begin.
So let's be real.
Nice is often taught beforekindness.
We're told as children to benice, not to interrupt, not to
speak, not to make waves.
(02:35):
But being nice isn't alwayshonest.
In fact, nice can bemanipulative, transactional or
even a survival strategy.
Kindness, on the other hand,kindness is rooted in integrity,
is rooted in love, respect andtruth, even when truth is
uncomfortable.
So you ready to get this thingstarted?
Let's go, okay.
(03:01):
So we're going to start thisthing off, talking about the
niceness programming and how weeven get to this place of being
nice.
So we're going to start thisthing off, talking about the
niceness programming and how weeven get to this place of being
nice.
So we're going to start wheremany of us start, and that's
childhood.
That's often where we firstlearn the silent rules of how to
be, especially when it comes tohow we show up for others.
Be a nice sister, they say.
(03:22):
Be nice to your teacher.
Say yes even when you don'twant to.
We weren't taught to honor ourboundaries.
We were taught to smooth thingsover, to put others first, to
swallow our truth for the sakeof someone else's comfort.
Niceness became a currency.
(03:45):
It became a survival skill, away to belong, especially if you
were a female, especially ifyou were a person of color,
especially if you grew up in afamily, culture or faith
tradition where being likedmeant being safe.
But let's call it what it reallyis it's programming, because
(04:07):
niceness it isn't truth, it'sperformance.
It's performance of beingagreeable, being pleasant, even
when your spirit is agitated,your body is screaming no and
your mind is begging you tospeak up.
And after a while thatperformance becomes automatic.
(04:28):
You become fluent in peoplepleasing, you say yes when you
mean no, you laugh when you wantto walk away, you apologize for
simply existing with needs,opinions and limits.
You shrink, not because youwant to, but because you've been
conditioned to believe thatyour power, your presence, your
too muchness is a problem.
(04:48):
And that's when the mask ofniceness becomes a trap.
It disconnects you from yourvoice, from your values, from
your truth, and eventually itcosts you your peace.
So how do we break free fromthat conditioning?
How do we unlearn theperformance and return to
something real?
The first thing I would say isidentify the voice behind being
(05:12):
nice.
Ask yourself, whose voice do Ihear when I feel guilty for
saying no?
Is it a parent, a teacher, apastor?
Naming the source helps break.
It helps you to break itsunconscious hold.
Replace the phrase instead ofbe nice, start practicing.
Be honest with love and be realand respectful.
(05:34):
Say it out loud.
Use it as a grounding mantrawhen you feel yourself slipping
into performance.
Think about in journal the veryfirst time you were punished for
not being nice.
Write about it.
Explore how that moment shapedyour current behavior.
What message did youinternalize about your worth,
(05:55):
your voice and your autonomy andthat special thing you know?
I like that.
I tell y'all to think about allthe time.
Track those triggers For oneday.
Jot down every time you feelpressured to be nice rather than
honest.
Reflect what triggered the urge.
What did I give up in thatmoment?
And then anchor a new belief.
(06:17):
Create a new mantra, somethingthat you can repeat daily, like
my safety is not my silence.
My peace is my truth.
Do some reflection.
Who taught you that being nicewas more important than being
honest?
What did you lose in order tobe liked?
What truth have you beenholding back for the sake of
(06:39):
approval?
Now let's talk about whathappens when that programming
goes unchecked, because whenniceness becomes your default
setting, it doesn't just costyou clarity, it can lead you
straight into resentment,burnout and a life that doesn't
even feel like it's your own.
Ok, so now we're going to talkabout the trap of niceness.
(07:02):
On the surface niceness seemsharmless, even virtuous.
It looks like cooperation, itcan look like support, it can
even look like peacekeepingright.
But if you really sit with it,you'll start to notice something
a little bit deeper thatniceness has a cost.
You say yes to everything andthen you complain to yourself in
(07:26):
the car because you're runningon empty.
You nod along in meetings evenwhen your gut is screaming this
ain't right.
And then you vent to your bestfriend later, like I sent my
best friend a long, long, longlittle message here recently.
You show up, you smile, youperform support, but behind the
(07:48):
smile you're stretched too thin,you're tired, you're irritated,
you're quietly unraveling.
That's not kindness, that's notauthenticity, that's emotional
dishonesty.
And emotional dishonestydoesn't build connection, it
erodes it, it creates resentment, it fractures trust, it
(08:09):
distances you from yourself andfrom others.
Because when people don't getthe real you, even your yes,
becomes a lie and that lie itstarts to pile up your body.
In your body, in your tone, inyour energy.
You're doing the right thing onthe outside, but it doesn't
feel right on the inside.
(08:30):
I remember a moment in my lifewhen I was completely
overwhelmed.
I had said yes again to helpingsomeone with something I had
absolutely no bandwidth for.
I was already behind in some ofmy own commitments, I really
wasn't getting a lot of rest and, to be honest, I was
emotionally tapped out.
But I said yes because I didn'twant to seem unhelpful.
(08:50):
I didn't want them to think Ididn't care.
I didn't want them to thinkthat I was a bad friend.
But here's what happened.
I showed up but I really wasn'tthere.
I was irritated the whole time,I was short and, worst of all,
I felt a little bit ofresentment, not to them, but to
myself.
That day I realized something Iwasn't doing them a favor, I
(09:13):
was faking it and I wasn't beingkind to them and I definitely
wasn't being kind to me.
When you think about stuff likethat, I want you to start asking
yourself this simple questionbefore you even say yes to
something Is my yes honest or amI just being polite?
Because a polite yes with abitter heart is still a no in
(09:35):
disguise.
A real yes comes with energy,presence and intention.
Anything else is a quietbetrayal of yourself.
So do me a favor right, quick,open your notes app or your
journal and write this down whatis nice?
What is being nice cost me?
Think beyond the surface.
Think about energy, peace,self-respect, time with your
(09:56):
family, mental health.
Let's be honest, in some caseslet's just be messy.
So if niceness is all aboutkeeping the peace on the outside
, what does real peace look likeon the inside?
What does kindness, grounded,honest, soul level kindness
actually look and feel like?
(10:17):
So let's make this shift right,quick.
Okay.
So what does kindness reallymean?
Let's pause and make somethingclear.
Kindness is not the same thingas niceness.
They may look similar on thesurface, but at the core they
are very different energies.
Niceness is about beingperceived a certain way.
(10:39):
Kindness is about being presentin a certain way.
Niceness is about comfort.
Kindness is about care.
Niceness wants to avoidconflict, smooth things over and
keep everyone happy, even if itmeans self-betrayal.
But kindness?
Kindness is rooted in truth, inclarity, in courage, in love.
(10:59):
Kindness says I respect youenough to be honest with you.
I care about you enough tospeak the truth, even if it's
uncomfortable.
I love myself enough to holdthis boundary, even if it
disappoints you.
Kindness doesn't perform, itdoesn't pretend, it doesn't
pacify.
It meets people where they are,but it doesn't leave you behind
(11:23):
in the process.
Let me be clear Kindnessdoesn't leave you behind in the
process.
Let me be clear Kindnessdoesn't always feel good in the
moment.
It might ruffle a little bit offeathers, it might shake the
room a little bit, it mightcause a pause in a relationship,
but it always serves good inthe long run because kindness
honors both the other person andyourself.
It's not a quick fix, it's thelong game, it's a commitment to
(11:45):
authenticity and emotionalintegrity.
Let me give you an example.
Let's say a friend keepsoverstepping a boundary.
They keep asking you to dothings.
Last minute the nice responsemight sound like sure, no
problem, even though you'refrustrated.
But the kind response may soundlike hey, I really value our
friendship and I want to supportyou.
(12:05):
But I also need some notice inthe future, because last minute
requests stress me out or thismay be uncomfortable, but I need
to say it because I care aboutus.
That's not rude, that's notmean, that's kind, because it
invites truth into therelationship and it allows room
for mutual respect.
So I want you to use thisframework as a guide when you're
(12:28):
practicing real kindness.
First, I want you to lead withintention.
Ask yourself what do I reallywant from this conversation?
Is it connection, clarity,resolution?
Then speak with clarity.
Avoid sugarcoating or vague,vague language.
You don't need to be harsh, butyou don't, but you do need to
be honest.
Then, lastly, stay grounded inlove.
(12:51):
Let your tone, your words andyour presence reflect care, even
if the message message is hard.
Write this down and say it outloud.
Let it live in your body.
Kindness, isness is clarity withcompassion, truth with
tenderness and boundaries withlove.
Take a moment and really thinkabout this.
(13:11):
What's one conversation I'vebeen avoiding because I want to
be seen as nice?
Whose comfort are youprotecting by shrinking your
truth?
What might change if you choosekindness over niceness in that
moment?
Write about it, speak it outloud, practice it in your mind.
That's how we build new habits.
(13:32):
But let's name the truth here.
Kindness takes courage, it takespractice, it takes presence, it
takes a willingness to bemisunderstood sometimes, and
that's why so many of us, notjust performance.
So let's go there.
(13:52):
Let's talk about the fear thatmake us default to niceness in
the first place.
Okay, so why does kindness feelrisky, or what's the fear about
being kind?
Let's be real Kindness can feelrisky, not because it's wrong,
but because we've beenconditioned to believe that
(14:14):
telling the truth comes withconsequences, especially when
you've spent years, maybe even alifetime, being rewarded for
being agreeable.
You worry that speaking yourtruth will make you seem rude.
You fear that setting aboundary will make people call
you difficult, dramatic orselfish.
Boundary will make people callyou difficult, dramatic or
(14:37):
selfish.
You hold back how you reallyfeel, just to keep the peace,
just to keep the relationship,just to keep your image intact.
But let me ask you somethinghard If the relationship can't
hold your truth, is it really asafe relationship?
If your workplace can't receivehonest feedback without
labeling you as unprofessionalor emotional, is that a healthy
(15:00):
environment?
Because when we equate honestywith harm, we start silencing
ourselves to feel safe.
But that safety is often justsilence dressed up as security.
So I've had moments, personallyand professionally, where I've
shared something that was honest, heartfelt and clear.
You know me, if you know me, Iam very transparent, I am direct
, I am all the things right.
(15:22):
I don't do a bunch of fluff Ithink I've mentioned that before
but I still maintain levels ofcare, respect, professionalism,
all the things.
And I try not to be harsh orattacking and just be honest.
And I still have watched peoplepull back.
I've watched energy shift.
(15:44):
I've seen people I love retreatemotionally and become
emotionally unavailable becauseI was expressive and honest.
I've seen colleagues and othersbecome distant.
And you know, at the end of theday, stuff like that hurts,
right.
It made me question did I dosomething wrong?
Should I have not said that?
Should I have kept it to myself?
(16:05):
Was it even worth me bringingit up?
But here's the truth that Ialways come back to.
I would rather lose temporaryapproval than permanently lose
myself.
I would rather feel the stingof someone else's discomfort
than live with the dull ache ofmy own self-abandonment.
(16:26):
So I want to give you twoexamples.
I want to give you this in awhat it looks like in a
relationship and then what itlooks like, potentially, at work
.
So let's say you're in arelationship May it be romantic,
friendship, family, whateverand there's a pattern that's
hurting you.
Maybe your partner dismissesyour emotions when you're
vulnerable.
Maybe your friend jokes at yourexpense and always laughs
(16:47):
things off.
Now you could keep playing.
Nice, you can keep the peace forthe sake of keeping the peace,
when in reality there is nopeace, there's just chaos and
confusion.
You can smile through thediscomfort, but what's the cost?
Now imagine this.
You say I want to sharesomething that's been sitting
heavy on my heart.
When I open up and I feeldismissed, it makes me want to
(17:11):
shut down.
I'm not saying this to blameyou.
I'm saying it because I want usto feel safe together.
Now, that's not rude, that's notdramatic, that's real, that's
kindness with a backbone.
That's what builds intimacy,not just connection with people.
So, being okay to expressyourself and being okay
(17:31):
expressing yourself and how youfeel should be something that
you do.
But when you think about thiskindness versus niceness thing,
we always revert back to thebeing nice, right, we always
revert back to I have to be nice, I have to be nice to my
partner, I have to be nice to mysister, I always have to be
(17:56):
nice and we skip the kindnessand, as I mentioned earlier,
that's not the truth.
We end up hurting ourselvestrying to again maintain the
peace.
So here's a work, maybeleadership example, right?
So let's shift the lens to theworkplace.
And you know I do a lot.
I'm in a leadership role.
(18:16):
I do a lot with leaders, so I'mgoing to come from a leader's
lens.
So you're a leader, or maybeyou're just someone with a seat
at the table and there's aprocess that's inefficient, a
colleague who's disrespectful, apolicy that unintentionally
excludes people.
Niceness says it's fine, keisha, don't rock the boat.
(18:38):
Kindness says this deserves tobe named because people are
being impacted.
You might say to your team Iwant to offer a perspective I
think could help us move forward.
I know it may feeluncomfortable, but I believe
discomfort can lead to growth.
You're not attacking, you'renot grandstanding.
(18:59):
You're bringing clarity withcare.
And that's the mark of a leader, not a peacekeeper, especially
in the workplace and inleadership.
What I find so frequently withpeople in leadership roles and I
think this is how the kindnessversus nice life is a good
partner to hashtag the goodperson life, because as leaders
(19:21):
and as we're in these spaces, wewant to be nice, right.
We want people to like us, wewant people to respect us and
all of the things, and so a lotof times we don't deal with
stuff because we're trying tomaintain the peace.
A lot of times, we're nothonest because we're trying to
(19:43):
maintain the peace.
A lot of times we don't say thethings that need to be said
because we're trying to be nice,we're so worried about being
nice because nice equates to mebeing a good person.
Nice equates to me being likedto where I can't even lead
properly.
And so, thinking about this andunderstanding that as a leader,
(20:06):
do you really ask yourself as aleader, do you really want to
be nice all the time?
Can you even be nice all thetime in your role?
Or is it that I should reallyfocus on being a kind leader and
supporting and supervising mystaff with care in all of the
things?
But at the same time, I have anunderstanding that me trying to
(20:29):
be nice all the time isn'tgoing to accomplish what I'm
trying to accomplish at the endof the day.
So that's what I want you tothink about from that workplace
perspective.
As a leader, are you morefocused on being kind or being
nice?
Now, if being kind in this wayfeels unfamiliar, that's okay.
(20:50):
Honesty is a muscle and, likeany muscle, it builds with
practice.
So we're going to start small.
We're going to say things likeactually, that doesn't work for
me.
Can I be honest about somethingthat's been on my heart or I
don't feel aligned with thisdecision.
Here's why Practice lowpractices and low risk spaces
with people you trust andstretch, because every time you
(21:12):
tell the truth with kindness youbuild a little more trust in
yourself and with other people.
So how do we actually build thatkindness muscle in our
day-to-day lives?
How do we bring our truth intoreal moments, real conversations
, real choices, without feartaking the lead?
Let's walk it out.
Let's get into this dailypractice.
So we've talked about whatkindness is.
(21:37):
We've talked about why it feelsrisky.
Now let's talk about what itlooks like in real life, because
kindness isn't just a concept,it's a practice.
It's not something you turn ononly during hard conversations.
It's a muscle you build in youreveryday choices, your language
and your presence.
And, like any muscle, it takestime and tension and repetition.
(21:58):
So here are five real ways topractice kindness without
defaulting back to the old habitof niceness.
The first one is pausing beforeresponding.
We often feel pressured torespond immediately, to say yes,
to solve, to smooth things overin the moment.
But you don't have to.
You can pause, try saying letme think about that and get back
(22:20):
to you.
That's kind to them and to youbecause it gives you time to
check in with your own truthbefore you perform someone
else's expectation that onesentence is boundary in disguise
the ones that one sentence isboundary in disguise your
boundary language.
Number two your boundarylanguage that honors everyone.
Setting a boundary doesn't meanyou don't care.
(22:42):
It means you care enough to behonest about your capacity.
So try saying things like Ireally want to support you, but
I don't have the capacity rightnow.
Or that sounds like somethingI'd enjoy, but my schedule is
full and I need to honor that.
That's not me, that's not Cole.
That's what it means topractice self-respect without
disrespecting others.
(23:02):
Number three be honest withoutblame.
It's possible to speak yourtruth without pointing fingers,
to share what's real for youwithout making someone else
wrong.
So try saying things likehere's how I felt in that moment
and I wanted to share it withyou.
You're not accusing anyone,you're not attacking anyone.
You're revealing a truth thathelps the other person
(23:24):
understand you better, andthat's kindness.
Then start small.
If verbal honesty feelsoverwhelming, start where it's
safer.
Try texting, writing an email,journal, what you want to say
before you say it.
That isn't about perfection,it's about practice.
Your voice is a muscle, andstarting small still builds
strength.
(23:45):
And lastly, talk to yourselfwith kindness.
Let's not forget this.
You are not just being kind toothers, you're being kind to
yourself, and that starts withyour inner voice.
If you catch yourself peoplepleasing again, don't spiral
into shame.
Don't beat yourself up for oldpatterns.
Just notice it.
Pause, pivot and say this toyourself Okay, I did the thing
(24:10):
again, I'm learning.
I'm growing.
Next time I'll do different.
I did the thing again.
I'm learning.
I'm growing.
Next time I'll be, I'll dodifferent.
That's self-kindness, that'semotional maturity.
That's real work.
So I remember having aconversation with someone that I
deeply cared about and we hadbeen dancing around some tension
for a couple of weeks.
I think both of us were tryingto be nice, but both of us were
(24:33):
really avoiding what needed tobe said.
So finally, I just decided tosay that you know, I want to
keep walking with you, but Ineed to be honest about what
isn't working for me.
And was that something that washard?
Absolutely.
You know, I'm one of thosepeople that I do care about
(24:55):
people, but I also have come toa place that I understand that a
closed mouth does not get fed.
So, yes, I said that thing withlove, but I also said it with
clarity and care.
And what happened next is thatour conversation shifted.
We were able to build trust.
It created a space where bothof us felt like we could be seen
(25:16):
, not just liked, and that wecould have good conversation and
we could have a good dialoguewithout things having to go left
, because, at the end of the day, kindness builds intimacy, it
bridges the gap betweenperformance and presence.
So how do we carry all of thisinto our daily lives?
Not just in hard conversations,but in how we live, how we lead
(25:41):
, how we love.
So let's bring it all together.
Let's talk about what kindnesscentered, what a kindness
centered life actually lookslike, moment by moment.
Okay, so we are coming to theend down this hill and we're
almost done.
So what does it actually looklike to live the kind life?
(26:03):
It's not just about the wordsyou say.
It's about the way you show up.
It's about the energy you carry, the choices you make and the
boundaries you hold.
Living the kind life means youlead with truth, even when it's
hard, even when it shakes theroom, even when your voice
trembles and your heart isbeating fast, because you know
(26:25):
the truth is love in motion.
It means you stop shrinkingyourself to keep other people
comfortable.
You stop performing forapproval, you stop editing your
soul just to be more acceptableto people, because your light,
your voice, your truth is nottoo much.
It's just dimmed by thepressure to be agreeable.
(26:45):
Living the kind life also meansyou're willing to sit in
discomfort your own and others.
If it brings you into alignmentwith your values, your voice
and your purpose, then that's agreat thing.
It means saying I love youenough to be honest.
I respect this space enough tospeak the truth.
(27:08):
I love myself enough to stopapologizing for being clear.
Let me say that again for thefolks in the back Stop
apologizing for being clear,stop apologizing for being clear
.
Clarity is kindness.
Confusion isn't compassion.
It's avoidance dressed in asmile.
(27:29):
So these are some questions Iwant you to sit with.
Let these questions anchor youthis week.
Write them down, reflect onthem in your quiet moments.
Let them challenge and stretchyou.
First one is where can I choosekindness over niceness this
week?
Think about your meetings, yourrelationships, your family
(27:51):
dynamics.
Where can you swap performancefor presence?
Number two who needs my truthmore than my performance?
Who in your life is getting theedited version of you.
What would it look like to givethem the honest, grounded,
clear version?
Number three where am I stillshrinking?
(28:13):
Where are you dimming yourtruth to protect someone else's
comfort?
Where are you betrayingyourself to belong?
Now you know your girl hasadded a challenge.
So this is your challenge forthe week and, yes, I want y'all
to actually do it and not justlisten.
I want you to choose one momentthis week where you would
normally default to being niceand instead choose to be kind.
(28:37):
This could be saying no to arequest that drains you,
speaking up in a meeting withyour honest opinion, or telling
someone that you love with careabout how something that they
did made you feel.
Then I want you to reflect onhow it felt.
Did it shake you, empower you,free?
You Journal it, voice memo it,sit with it, because that's
(29:01):
where the growth lives and, ifyou're willing, I want to hear
about it.
So if this episode spoke to you, if something in it cracked
open a layer you've been hidingbehind, I want you to share it,
take a screenshot, post it onInstagram or LinkedIn and tag me
on Instagram podcasting withKeisha.
On LinkedIn.
(29:21):
On Instagram podcasting withKeisha.
On LinkedIn, it's just KeishaJones and use the hashtag the
kind versus nice life or hashtagthe authentic life, so we can
celebrate your journey.
And here's the thing, friendyou're not here to be small.
You're not here to be liked atthe expense of being whole.
You're here to live withcourage, love with honesty and
(29:41):
lead with truth.
So let's stop performing andstart showing up Not just nice
but real, not just polite butpowerful, not just agreeable but
aligned.
This is hashtag the nice versuskind life, and I'm living it
with you.
Until next time, keep showing upwith truth, tenderness and
(30:02):
audacity.
You deserve that kind of lifeIn the world.
It needs that kind of you.
So until next time, peace andblessings from your girl, keisha
.
Well, folks, the episode hascome to an end.
Thank you for hanging out withme on the Authentic Life.
If you loved today's episode,don't forget to subscribe,
because subscribing is just likean instant invite to more fun,
(30:24):
to more inspiration and to moreauthentic vibes.
I could also use a review, soleave a review or share this
with someone that you feel needsa little inspiration.
But whatever you do, let'sspread the joy of the authentic
life.
Remember this your authenticself is your greatest gift to
the world, and no one shouldever make you feel like you
aren't.
Until next time, stay true,stay bold and keep living the
(30:48):
authentic life.
Peace, love and blessings fromyour girl, keisha.
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