July 12, 2025 • 21 mins
Sometimes it’s not toxic. It’s not dramatic. It’s not catastrophic.
It’s just… not it.
In this episode, I’m sharing something personal—a recent relationship ending that grew me in all the right ways. One that taught me how far I’ve come, how securely I stand now, and how much I’ve outgrown the urge to save, fix, or rescue!
We’re unpacking:
What happens when you become more secure but the other is stuck in an anxious-avoidant pattern
Why love isn’t enough if two people aren’t BOTH able or willing to take accountability
How living by your values means saying the hard things—and how that is love
Why “trying to help” is sometimes just enabling (and betraying yourself in the process)
And what it looks like to honour your capacity, your truth, and your needs—without guilt
This is for the woman who’s tired of holding it all together. For the one who loves deeply but won’t abandon herself to keep someone else comfortable. For the one who’s learning that leaving can be love.
Because when you know it’s not it—no matter how good it almost was—that’s your moment of power!
If you’re breaking patterns, then this “ending”, might just be the beginning of you choosing you—fully!
—
Want to work together? Enquire HERE
Or check out my website: www.veronicajayne.com and Instagram: @veronicajayne_
🎥 Did you know you can also find me on YouTube? Find me at @veronicajayne
~ In love and learning, Veronica Jayne
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Are you saying the hard things? Are you speaking uncomfortable
truths to catalyze them to growth?
Because people pleasing, over achieving, over performing,
overcompensating, being nice, All that does is lead to resent.
(00:24):
Ready to ditch the old stories and limiting beliefs and step
into your embodied knowing? I'm Veronica Jane.
You're fierce, fiery and deeply compassionate embodiment,
empowerment and relationships coach and mentor.
And this is This Isn't Me podcast.
Hi, welcome to another episode of This Isn't Me podcast.
I'm Veronica Jane. I am so grateful that you're
(00:47):
here with me in Canada in probably the weirdest place I've
filmed whatever the podcast in aPlayhouse, but it felt kind of
fun. This side is a mini kitchen.
Here is an array of chairs and toys.
And I'm here just being a big kid like I always am, playing,
having fun, sharing and growing.So thanks for being here in my
(01:12):
Playhouse. I feel like Mr. Rogers or
something. Anyway, I'm super excited to
show this podcast, which is a really fresh share, a real
relatable piece for so many people, specifically those who
are in the dating world. I'm calling this episode when it
isn't it right? Sharing my recent dating
(01:33):
experiences and how they might translate for all of you who are
in that dating world or have been and have some reminiscing
to do because relationships are a mirror, OK?
They're just showing you where you're at, what you have yet to
learn, what you have yet to growin.
And I've learned a lot, so I'm gonna share it with you.
(01:54):
OK, so this episode is all aboutwhat I've learned in dating
recently. Let's start with some deets.
So I was seeing a guy for about two months, and I announced him
on my social media. After this launches, it'll be
about a week or two ago. And I shared in the capacity of
I recognized that I had been hiding and not sharing this, not
(02:15):
afraid about what if it ended, yeah, what would it look like
for me and my business and needing certainty that this was
going to be it, right. And when I realized nothing's
certain I'm OK in the uncertainty, it made it
beautiful and safe to share. And in that within a week or
two, I had ended the relationship, which was probably
(02:36):
one of the most empowering things I've done in a while.
And it's one of those things that's just the reality of
dating, right? You try someone on, you
experiment, you explore, you feel into it, you observe them
and you see if you're compatible, if you're looking
for the same things. Yeah.
So my experience with this guy was that on paper, and what we
both said was that we were looking for the same things.
(02:58):
What I've made as a mistake in the past is listening to
people's words and not so much looking at their actions.
And so this time I was so aware of that of like, great, we can
say all the things we want, the same things, kids same like
ambitions about growing, about work, where we want to live the
(03:20):
kind of lifestyle that we want. But when it came down to who he
was, only time was going to showus that, right?
Show me that. And it's very interesting
because over the last few months, I realized I'd like
discarded some of my practices in respect of like really tuning
into my body, slowing down, feeling, trusting my inner
(03:40):
knowing. And I'd picked a lot of these
things back up. I'd started spending more time
meditating, moving, dancing, playing.
I spent time working on my body again to make sure that I could
feel I have something that I do that supports like my spinal
health. And through the Sky.
(04:00):
I also did a little bit more weight work.
And so I was just feeling reallylike connected to my body again.
And it was interesting because as I came to Canada, I got to
observe different contexts, different situations of us being
in relationship, right? And I've heard this adage
before, I don't know if that's the right word, but like a
(04:22):
recommendation that you should date someone for a year before
you like, decide on them, commit, maybe get engaged or
move in together, whatever. And the idea is that you get to
see a whole calendar of them, a whole like seasons, all the
seasons of them, right? See them through the holidays,
see them through different like weather patterns, see them
through different financial stints, See them for me like in
(04:45):
the context of travel, see them in the context of long distance,
right? And what was so interesting
about this connection is I couldsee that I was so secure.
I could see when it comes to like the attachment theory lens
that I was really grounded in who I was, what I wanted, where
I was going, where my boundarieswere and what I noticed about
(05:10):
this relationship, it was probably one of the more extreme
versions of what I could see. The other person was in the more
anxious frame when I was in a secure and then watching OK, if
you're not watching, if you're just listening, you want to
watch watching. What happened was that as he
stepped towards, I tried to staysecure and then he would get
(05:34):
closer and closer and to the point where I had to pull away
and sort of become avoidant or stay secure and get smothered.
And so as I drew boundaries, said what I needed, communicated
what I could offer, there was this intense leaning towards,
and it was interesting to observe this person's nervous
(05:55):
system, to observe their behaviors, to see their history
play out, that it made it reallyhard for them to just come back
into that secure attachment where they were upright, stable
in their sense of self. So I kept looking right when
their behavior would come towards is this me pulling away
and they're filling the gap? Or is this me standing secure
and them not knowing how to stand secure in themselves?
(06:16):
And so I kept tuning into that to Jack, right?
Is this a me thing? Am I dancing away?
And there were a couple of points where I was like, oh,
yeah, OK, I'm probably afraid a little bit.
There's probably an element of like, pulling away.
And so I'd come back and draw boundaries, be like, this is my
edge. This is what I can offer.
This is how I can love you. This is how I want to be loved.
And the long distance just really didn't allow this person
(06:37):
to stand in security. And they had some behavioral
choices that had me question things and had me have to be
even more rigid and direct in myboundaries.
And as I did that, I just offered them some space to go
and tune into them self. And they had said this as well
that they like really just wanted space to figure out what
(06:58):
was going on for them. So as the long distance
occurred, I made it very clear some of the other things that I
had seen them say. And now we're seeing them do
very differently to what they said, right.
So without oversharing their personal information, what it
had me see was that I had such this secure sense of attachment
now. And did my nervous system scream
(07:20):
when I had to draw boundaries? Oh, yeah.
There were times where I was like, is this right?
And I would start second guessing myself and then I would
just TuneIn with all the practices that I have and come
back to like, no, this is right.This is how I can offer to love
them. This is a them thing.
And I also got to practice like saying the really hard things,
calling them out, calling them into personal responsibility,
(07:41):
reflecting their behavior to them.
And even when it was unconsciousfor them, not buying into their
words, really listening to theiractions, looking at their
actions, feeling their actions and being like, oh, wow, they're
not lying. They're just not aware of what's
occurring for them. So no matter how much I call
them out, they can't see it yet.So what I can do is look at
their behavior and feel how it feels for me and recognize that
(08:05):
it's not it. It's not OK.
And it was really beautiful to trust my nervous system and to
sit in my body around it. There were a couple times where
I'd call my best friend and be like, hey, I'm just going to
think out loud. I'd like check in, tell me if
I'm missing something, like where am I potentially the
problem here? And where I landed was the only
way that I was my own problem was when I was questioning my
(08:30):
inner knowing, when I was questioning what I felt and what
I saw when I stood in it and drew boundaries, it felt right.
And then I would listen to theirbehavior.
They would try to, you know, like comment at me and blame me.
And I was like, OK, I'll look. And every time I looked I was
like, Nope, this is right. Like this is right.
(08:52):
This is this is the way I honor myself.
This is how I don't self abandoned.
This is this other person looking to blame me, looking to
enmesh, fall into codependent patterns where I take their pain
away, I take their emotion away.I take their problems away.
I save them, I fix them. And I reflected on my past
relationship where I did that unconsciously right?
(09:14):
Where I tried to make the hurt go away, where I tried to make
promises and make claims and commitments just to make them
feel better, Where I started to dishonor myself and my
boundaries, where I started to manipulate truths to make them
feel more safe and comfortable. And I was like, fuck no, girl,
you've learned like you are doing it different now.
(09:36):
And it was really powerful to see that I could say the hard
truths that I could speak with kindness and respect, and I
could honor their boundaries andalso say things they didn't want
to hear, say things that were hard to hear because it was a
truth within them, whether they wanted to look at it and saw it
in their awareness now or not. But for me to just put the
personal responsibility in theirhands for them to hold their own
(09:59):
emotions, for them to step into triggers.
And me too, right? I got to be vulnerable.
I got to ask for what I wanted. I got to express needs.
I got to express boundaries. I got to say when it wasn't OK.
And like looking at it at the end, I called my best friend.
I was like, help me just look. Help me just make sure I'm not
missing nothing, right? Like coaches need coaches too.
(10:21):
And I was like, just coach me here.
And she's like, I, I feel like you're it, you're doing all the
right things. And like in your last
relationship, you really at the end, you knew you did everything
you could. And and I was like, yeah, this
feels like it's the difference in that it's not doing too much.
Like I don't want to get to the end, be like I'm exhausted.
(10:43):
I got to the point where I saw that doing anything further
being what this person wanted meto be doing, what this person
wanted me to do was enabling them and would be self
abandoning. And so I called it.
I felt good to be able to sit and look at myself and be proud
of how I was the whole way to not tell a single untruth to
(11:05):
myself or to them. And So what I want to, why I
share all this and what I want you to be able to look at and
see for yourselves is like this lens of attachment theory,
right? You can do all the work in the
world to be secure. And if they are anxious, they're
going to come into this shared space.
And the way that makes it reallyhard for you to come towards
(11:26):
because you're already, they're fully in your space.
And so at the same time, when someone is anxious, if you're
standing secure, it makes it really hard to connect because
there's all this space in between you, right.
So it takes two people being secure.
It makes two people standing in their own ground, creating the
space in between where they can come together and meet each
(11:47):
other. Yeah.
This doesn't work to avoiding people pulling away, to attach
people smothering each other allup in each other's girl.
It takes two people being secure.
I'm sure there'll be little sways of movement one way or the
other, but at the end of the dayyou both have to come home to
yourselves and to not fall into this codependent and meshed
pattern. It takes you having your own
(12:08):
nervous system being able to self regulate and have the
capacity to Co regulate. And it was really beautiful to
have reflected that. So much is out of people's
awareness and So what can you doto bring your stuff into your
awareness? What can you do to self
regulate, to learn to practice Co regulating with safe people,
(12:30):
pets, friends, part family, so that when you get your
partnership, you know the difference, right, Because what
was really spectacular for me isto go.
I've created so much safety in my body and know what safe feels
like. So when they I tried like are in
a response and I get swept up init, I know I can come back and
(12:50):
create safety with myself. So I could detect that erratic
nature or the chaos or the dysregulation in them and still
keep going. No, no, no, come home to you.
Come home to you and it was it. I'm wondering for you, have you
created that safety? Like do you know what safe feels
like in your own body, in your own nervous system to get out of
(13:14):
the overthinking and just feel. Do you know that you're a safe
home base? Because when you create that
anyone who disrupts that chaos in ways that dishonors you,
you'll be able to notice and create boundaries around to to
cease, you know, to cut off fromthat energetic pull.
(13:38):
And you'll be able to know how much you have to give, how much
space you can give, how much youwant to step towards, to still
honor you. So that's one of the main shares
I wanted to bring Today is like when it's not it.
And you're tuned in to your own nervous system, to your own
beliefs, to your own values, youknow.
And so rather than being seven years, a marriage, a mortgage
(14:01):
and two kids deep and then realizing you've been self
sabotaging, self abandoning and completely lost who you are, you
can be two months in and go, thanks for the learning.
I know where I need to grow and move on and like I'm just
sitting on this like adorable little children's, like lazy boy
chair. How cute is it?
(14:24):
The other piece in it for me wasrecognizing that I get to have
it all. Like this person showed me a
beautiful reflection of their desires and mine and where that
aligns, you know, knowing that Iget to be this woman who has
like a deep curiosity of all things sensual and sexual, and I
get to have someone who honors my past and my present and wants
(14:47):
to create a future with me. Like what a beautiful reflection
this man gave me of that. Not only that, he was someone
who respected my business, whichwas beautiful.
He was fun, he was playful, and it showed me how many areas I'd
grown in, right? Because we attract what we need.
And the reflection and the reflection for me in this was
like seeing that I honor myself now.
(15:07):
I no longer self abandoned. I stay in self.
Yeah, I know what my values are.And I can speak to that.
I can say hard things. I can call someone forward.
And if someone isn't continuallyhelping me grow and meeting me
in my values and honoring my sense of sovereignty, nothing is
worth compromising who I am because that's not love, right?
(15:28):
And that was the conversations that we got to have.
And I hope you're happy. Are you saying the hard things?
Are you speaking uncomfortable truths to catalyze them to
growth? Because people pleasing, over
achieving, overperforming, overcompensating, being nice,
(15:51):
all that does is lead to resent.And you know, I connect with
people I love who have made a lot of compromises and I watch
the contempt and the resent forming in their bodies.
I watch the fear. I watch the disinterest and the
aliveness kind of gets sucked out of them and it's
heartbreaking. I'm sure there'll be moments,
(16:14):
maybe months, where we're stuck.But love doesn't let someone we
love stay stuck, does it? I don't believe it does.
The most loving relationship I have is probably with my best
friend. And regularly we're checking in,
being like, do you see somethingI'm missing?
Where do I need to grow? What's an accountability piece
(16:35):
that I can use you for, you can use me for?
And so the biggest pieces I saw in this was a short time before
I met this guy, I had a dress that my body was soft and
smushy, and I was ready to get strong and push my
cardiovascular capacity and my muscular capacity again.
So I'd gotten a gym membership and started working out and then
(16:55):
him and I had been going to the gym together somewhere else as
well, which was super fun. So like, that's been a real,
like, values check is like Veronica, you want something
sexy as fuck? You want someone healthy who's
like, wanting children later in life to maintain their health
and vitality and fertility. Like, make sure you're being
that too, sis. So this was a real invitation to
get to the next level in my personal health, morning
(17:17):
routines and rituals and like, yeah, exercise commitments to
myself. And the other piece was like the
inconsistency that I got to see of like, OK, where am I still
inconsistent in my business and in my finances?
How do I set up where that I am,who I say I am?
Yeah. So if he's listening, thank you.
(17:38):
Like, genuinely thank you. I had so much fun.
He showed me so much. And I know he's learning, you
know, as as things ended, he's like, this was the reality slap
I needed. And I was like, yeah, reality
does slap, Boo. Like there's so much learning
and growth. And although it's kind of
disappointing we're not going todo it together.
I know that my growth needs to go outside of him.
(18:01):
And for me to say no to him was actually a beautiful growth
piece for him to see that, hey, women aren't going to enable
you. They're not going to mommy you.
They're going to the real kind of woman that you really want,
that you'll stay passionate about respect and desire for a
whole life. They're going to call you
forward, they're going to catalyze you.
(18:22):
They're not going to save you. They're not going to take all
your shit. They're not going to constantly
Co regulate with you because youneed to learn to do that.
You need to learn to stand in who you are, your strength.
You need to believe that. Your enoughness.
You need to forgive yourself foryour past.
No matter what this other personsays, it's all in you.
(18:46):
Yeah, you can't get dragged downby someone else's shit if you
know who you are, if you're strong in it.
And so will I be honest with youand tell you yes.
There were moments where I was like, do I even know what I'm
doing here? You know, when I'd make the
choice and then be like, oh, fuck, did I do the right thing?
Yeah. But I just kept trusting myself
(19:07):
and coming home to myself and remembering that it only gets
better. Yeah, it's all working out for
me. It all goes by, well, way.
Things always go my way. Have you watched that show
Shrinking? It's really funny.
It's about this guy who's a psychologist or psychiatrist or
counselor. And he starts like fucking with
(19:27):
the system, right? And doing what I do more so as a
coach, like really catalyzing people, saying the hard thing,
getting them to look at their shit, take action rather than
just like spin around in their words and their patterns.
And the humanness in it is so raw.
And there's this one character that always says like things
always go my way. And you have to really believe
that for that to work and for itto have impact.
(19:48):
Well, what a great truth to start to convince yourself of,
right. What a great belief to instill
in yourself that things always go your way.
And so I'm choosing to believe that.
I'm choosing to believe that foryou too.
But the more you trust yourself,the more you feel deeply, the
more you say the hard things, the more you become all of you
and express that and ask to be loving that.
(20:11):
And. Be loved in that and only love
others in all of them. Like don't let them pretend,
don't let them mask, don't let them hide, don't let them
people. Please don't let them be nice.
Don't let them sacrifice who they are to earn your love.
And same with you. You got to be who you are to
truly be loved. The only way you don't feel seen
and heard is if you're not saying what you need to say and
(20:33):
showing them who you truly are. So keep doing that with you.
Keep seeing yourself, keep listening to yourself.
I hope you're speaking your truth.
I hope you're showing the world who you are, both in your
intimate relationships and to the world, because you deserve
that. Because when it isn't it, you're
(20:53):
it. And they're coming.
Thank you so much for being here.
If you got value from today's episode, it would mean the world
to me. If you would like it, give it a
five star review, share it with a friend or share it on your
social. And I would love to connect with
you on my socials at Veronica Jane under score on Instagram
(21:16):
and www.veronicajane.com where you can access links to all my
offers and events. Remember, we're always
unbecoming What isn't us to become what is.
This isn't me.
Are you saying the hard things? Are you speaking uncomfortable
truths to catalyze them to growth?
Because people pleasing, over achieving, over performing,
overcompensating, being nice, All that does is lead to resent.
(00:24):
Ready to ditch the old stories and limiting beliefs and step
into your embodied knowing? I'm Veronica Jane.
You're fierce, fiery and deeply compassionate embodiment,
empowerment and relationships coach and mentor.
And this is This Isn't Me podcast.
Hi, welcome to another episode of This Isn't Me podcast.
I'm Veronica Jane. I am so grateful that you're
(00:47):
here with me in Canada in probably the weirdest place I've
filmed whatever the podcast in aPlayhouse, but it felt kind of
fun. This side is a mini kitchen.
Here is an array of chairs and toys.
And I'm here just being a big kid like I always am, playing,
having fun, sharing and growing.So thanks for being here in my
(01:12):
Playhouse. I feel like Mr. Rogers or
something. Anyway, I'm super excited to
show this podcast, which is a really fresh share, a real
relatable piece for so many people, specifically those who
are in the dating world. I'm calling this episode when it
isn't it right? Sharing my recent dating
(01:33):
experiences and how they might translate for all of you who are
in that dating world or have been and have some reminiscing
to do because relationships are a mirror, OK?
They're just showing you where you're at, what you have yet to
learn, what you have yet to growin.
And I've learned a lot, so I'm gonna share it with you.
(01:54):
OK, so this episode is all aboutwhat I've learned in dating
recently. Let's start with some deets.
So I was seeing a guy for about two months, and I announced him
on my social media. After this launches, it'll be
about a week or two ago. And I shared in the capacity of
I recognized that I had been hiding and not sharing this, not
(02:15):
afraid about what if it ended, yeah, what would it look like
for me and my business and needing certainty that this was
going to be it, right. And when I realized nothing's
certain I'm OK in the uncertainty, it made it
beautiful and safe to share. And in that within a week or
two, I had ended the relationship, which was probably
(02:36):
one of the most empowering things I've done in a while.
And it's one of those things that's just the reality of
dating, right? You try someone on, you
experiment, you explore, you feel into it, you observe them
and you see if you're compatible, if you're looking
for the same things. Yeah.
So my experience with this guy was that on paper, and what we
both said was that we were looking for the same things.
(02:58):
What I've made as a mistake in the past is listening to
people's words and not so much looking at their actions.
And so this time I was so aware of that of like, great, we can
say all the things we want, the same things, kids same like
ambitions about growing, about work, where we want to live the
(03:20):
kind of lifestyle that we want. But when it came down to who he
was, only time was going to showus that, right?
Show me that. And it's very interesting
because over the last few months, I realized I'd like
discarded some of my practices in respect of like really tuning
into my body, slowing down, feeling, trusting my inner
(03:40):
knowing. And I'd picked a lot of these
things back up. I'd started spending more time
meditating, moving, dancing, playing.
I spent time working on my body again to make sure that I could
feel I have something that I do that supports like my spinal
health. And through the Sky.
(04:00):
I also did a little bit more weight work.
And so I was just feeling reallylike connected to my body again.
And it was interesting because as I came to Canada, I got to
observe different contexts, different situations of us being
in relationship, right? And I've heard this adage
before, I don't know if that's the right word, but like a
(04:22):
recommendation that you should date someone for a year before
you like, decide on them, commit, maybe get engaged or
move in together, whatever. And the idea is that you get to
see a whole calendar of them, a whole like seasons, all the
seasons of them, right? See them through the holidays,
see them through different like weather patterns, see them
through different financial stints, See them for me like in
(04:45):
the context of travel, see them in the context of long distance,
right? And what was so interesting
about this connection is I couldsee that I was so secure.
I could see when it comes to like the attachment theory lens
that I was really grounded in who I was, what I wanted, where
I was going, where my boundarieswere and what I noticed about
(05:10):
this relationship, it was probably one of the more extreme
versions of what I could see. The other person was in the more
anxious frame when I was in a secure and then watching OK, if
you're not watching, if you're just listening, you want to
watch watching. What happened was that as he
stepped towards, I tried to staysecure and then he would get
(05:34):
closer and closer and to the point where I had to pull away
and sort of become avoidant or stay secure and get smothered.
And so as I drew boundaries, said what I needed, communicated
what I could offer, there was this intense leaning towards,
and it was interesting to observe this person's nervous
(05:55):
system, to observe their behaviors, to see their history
play out, that it made it reallyhard for them to just come back
into that secure attachment where they were upright, stable
in their sense of self. So I kept looking right when
their behavior would come towards is this me pulling away
and they're filling the gap? Or is this me standing secure
and them not knowing how to stand secure in themselves?
(06:16):
And so I kept tuning into that to Jack, right?
Is this a me thing? Am I dancing away?
And there were a couple of points where I was like, oh,
yeah, OK, I'm probably afraid a little bit.
There's probably an element of like, pulling away.
And so I'd come back and draw boundaries, be like, this is my
edge. This is what I can offer.
This is how I can love you. This is how I want to be loved.
And the long distance just really didn't allow this person
(06:37):
to stand in security. And they had some behavioral
choices that had me question things and had me have to be
even more rigid and direct in myboundaries.
And as I did that, I just offered them some space to go
and tune into them self. And they had said this as well
that they like really just wanted space to figure out what
(06:58):
was going on for them. So as the long distance
occurred, I made it very clear some of the other things that I
had seen them say. And now we're seeing them do
very differently to what they said, right.
So without oversharing their personal information, what it
had me see was that I had such this secure sense of attachment
now. And did my nervous system scream
(07:20):
when I had to draw boundaries? Oh, yeah.
There were times where I was like, is this right?
And I would start second guessing myself and then I would
just TuneIn with all the practices that I have and come
back to like, no, this is right.This is how I can offer to love
them. This is a them thing.
And I also got to practice like saying the really hard things,
calling them out, calling them into personal responsibility,
(07:41):
reflecting their behavior to them.
And even when it was unconsciousfor them, not buying into their
words, really listening to theiractions, looking at their
actions, feeling their actions and being like, oh, wow, they're
not lying. They're just not aware of what's
occurring for them. So no matter how much I call
them out, they can't see it yet.So what I can do is look at
their behavior and feel how it feels for me and recognize that
(08:05):
it's not it. It's not OK.
And it was really beautiful to trust my nervous system and to
sit in my body around it. There were a couple times where
I'd call my best friend and be like, hey, I'm just going to
think out loud. I'd like check in, tell me if
I'm missing something, like where am I potentially the
problem here? And where I landed was the only
way that I was my own problem was when I was questioning my
(08:30):
inner knowing, when I was questioning what I felt and what
I saw when I stood in it and drew boundaries, it felt right.
And then I would listen to theirbehavior.
They would try to, you know, like comment at me and blame me.
And I was like, OK, I'll look. And every time I looked I was
like, Nope, this is right. Like this is right.
(08:52):
This is this is the way I honor myself.
This is how I don't self abandoned.
This is this other person looking to blame me, looking to
enmesh, fall into codependent patterns where I take their pain
away, I take their emotion away.I take their problems away.
I save them, I fix them. And I reflected on my past
relationship where I did that unconsciously right?
(09:14):
Where I tried to make the hurt go away, where I tried to make
promises and make claims and commitments just to make them
feel better, Where I started to dishonor myself and my
boundaries, where I started to manipulate truths to make them
feel more safe and comfortable. And I was like, fuck no, girl,
you've learned like you are doing it different now.
(09:36):
And it was really powerful to see that I could say the hard
truths that I could speak with kindness and respect, and I
could honor their boundaries andalso say things they didn't want
to hear, say things that were hard to hear because it was a
truth within them, whether they wanted to look at it and saw it
in their awareness now or not. But for me to just put the
personal responsibility in theirhands for them to hold their own
(09:59):
emotions, for them to step into triggers.
And me too, right? I got to be vulnerable.
I got to ask for what I wanted. I got to express needs.
I got to express boundaries. I got to say when it wasn't OK.
And like looking at it at the end, I called my best friend.
I was like, help me just look. Help me just make sure I'm not
missing nothing, right? Like coaches need coaches too.
(10:21):
And I was like, just coach me here.
And she's like, I, I feel like you're it, you're doing all the
right things. And like in your last
relationship, you really at the end, you knew you did everything
you could. And and I was like, yeah, this
feels like it's the difference in that it's not doing too much.
Like I don't want to get to the end, be like I'm exhausted.
(10:43):
I got to the point where I saw that doing anything further
being what this person wanted meto be doing, what this person
wanted me to do was enabling them and would be self
abandoning. And so I called it.
I felt good to be able to sit and look at myself and be proud
of how I was the whole way to not tell a single untruth to
(11:05):
myself or to them. And So what I want to, why I
share all this and what I want you to be able to look at and
see for yourselves is like this lens of attachment theory,
right? You can do all the work in the
world to be secure. And if they are anxious, they're
going to come into this shared space.
And the way that makes it reallyhard for you to come towards
(11:26):
because you're already, they're fully in your space.
And so at the same time, when someone is anxious, if you're
standing secure, it makes it really hard to connect because
there's all this space in between you, right.
So it takes two people being secure.
It makes two people standing in their own ground, creating the
space in between where they can come together and meet each
(11:47):
other. Yeah.
This doesn't work to avoiding people pulling away, to attach
people smothering each other allup in each other's girl.
It takes two people being secure.
I'm sure there'll be little sways of movement one way or the
other, but at the end of the dayyou both have to come home to
yourselves and to not fall into this codependent and meshed
pattern. It takes you having your own
(12:08):
nervous system being able to self regulate and have the
capacity to Co regulate. And it was really beautiful to
have reflected that. So much is out of people's
awareness and So what can you doto bring your stuff into your
awareness? What can you do to self
regulate, to learn to practice Co regulating with safe people,
(12:30):
pets, friends, part family, so that when you get your
partnership, you know the difference, right, Because what
was really spectacular for me isto go.
I've created so much safety in my body and know what safe feels
like. So when they I tried like are in
a response and I get swept up init, I know I can come back and
(12:50):
create safety with myself. So I could detect that erratic
nature or the chaos or the dysregulation in them and still
keep going. No, no, no, come home to you.
Come home to you and it was it. I'm wondering for you, have you
created that safety? Like do you know what safe feels
like in your own body, in your own nervous system to get out of
(13:14):
the overthinking and just feel. Do you know that you're a safe
home base? Because when you create that
anyone who disrupts that chaos in ways that dishonors you,
you'll be able to notice and create boundaries around to to
cease, you know, to cut off fromthat energetic pull.
(13:38):
And you'll be able to know how much you have to give, how much
space you can give, how much youwant to step towards, to still
honor you. So that's one of the main shares
I wanted to bring Today is like when it's not it.
And you're tuned in to your own nervous system, to your own
beliefs, to your own values, youknow.
And so rather than being seven years, a marriage, a mortgage
(14:01):
and two kids deep and then realizing you've been self
sabotaging, self abandoning and completely lost who you are, you
can be two months in and go, thanks for the learning.
I know where I need to grow and move on and like I'm just
sitting on this like adorable little children's, like lazy boy
chair. How cute is it?
(14:24):
The other piece in it for me wasrecognizing that I get to have
it all. Like this person showed me a
beautiful reflection of their desires and mine and where that
aligns, you know, knowing that Iget to be this woman who has
like a deep curiosity of all things sensual and sexual, and I
get to have someone who honors my past and my present and wants
(14:47):
to create a future with me. Like what a beautiful reflection
this man gave me of that. Not only that, he was someone
who respected my business, whichwas beautiful.
He was fun, he was playful, and it showed me how many areas I'd
grown in, right? Because we attract what we need.
And the reflection and the reflection for me in this was
like seeing that I honor myself now.
(15:07):
I no longer self abandoned. I stay in self.
Yeah, I know what my values are.And I can speak to that.
I can say hard things. I can call someone forward.
And if someone isn't continuallyhelping me grow and meeting me
in my values and honoring my sense of sovereignty, nothing is
worth compromising who I am because that's not love, right?
(15:28):
And that was the conversations that we got to have.
And I hope you're happy. Are you saying the hard things?
Are you speaking uncomfortable truths to catalyze them to
growth? Because people pleasing, over
achieving, overperforming, overcompensating, being nice,
(15:51):
all that does is lead to resent.And you know, I connect with
people I love who have made a lot of compromises and I watch
the contempt and the resent forming in their bodies.
I watch the fear. I watch the disinterest and the
aliveness kind of gets sucked out of them and it's
heartbreaking. I'm sure there'll be moments,
(16:14):
maybe months, where we're stuck.But love doesn't let someone we
love stay stuck, does it? I don't believe it does.
The most loving relationship I have is probably with my best
friend. And regularly we're checking in,
being like, do you see somethingI'm missing?
Where do I need to grow? What's an accountability piece
(16:35):
that I can use you for, you can use me for?
And so the biggest pieces I saw in this was a short time before
I met this guy, I had a dress that my body was soft and
smushy, and I was ready to get strong and push my
cardiovascular capacity and my muscular capacity again.
So I'd gotten a gym membership and started working out and then
(16:55):
him and I had been going to the gym together somewhere else as
well, which was super fun. So like, that's been a real,
like, values check is like Veronica, you want something
sexy as fuck? You want someone healthy who's
like, wanting children later in life to maintain their health
and vitality and fertility. Like, make sure you're being
that too, sis. So this was a real invitation to
get to the next level in my personal health, morning
(17:17):
routines and rituals and like, yeah, exercise commitments to
myself. And the other piece was like the
inconsistency that I got to see of like, OK, where am I still
inconsistent in my business and in my finances?
How do I set up where that I am,who I say I am?
Yeah. So if he's listening, thank you.
(17:38):
Like, genuinely thank you. I had so much fun.
He showed me so much. And I know he's learning, you
know, as as things ended, he's like, this was the reality slap
I needed. And I was like, yeah, reality
does slap, Boo. Like there's so much learning
and growth. And although it's kind of
disappointing we're not going todo it together.
I know that my growth needs to go outside of him.
(18:01):
And for me to say no to him was actually a beautiful growth
piece for him to see that, hey, women aren't going to enable
you. They're not going to mommy you.
They're going to the real kind of woman that you really want,
that you'll stay passionate about respect and desire for a
whole life. They're going to call you
forward, they're going to catalyze you.
(18:22):
They're not going to save you. They're not going to take all
your shit. They're not going to constantly
Co regulate with you because youneed to learn to do that.
You need to learn to stand in who you are, your strength.
You need to believe that. Your enoughness.
You need to forgive yourself foryour past.
No matter what this other personsays, it's all in you.
(18:46):
Yeah, you can't get dragged downby someone else's shit if you
know who you are, if you're strong in it.
And so will I be honest with youand tell you yes.
There were moments where I was like, do I even know what I'm
doing here? You know, when I'd make the
choice and then be like, oh, fuck, did I do the right thing?
Yeah. But I just kept trusting myself
(19:07):
and coming home to myself and remembering that it only gets
better. Yeah, it's all working out for
me. It all goes by, well, way.
Things always go my way. Have you watched that show
Shrinking? It's really funny.
It's about this guy who's a psychologist or psychiatrist or
counselor. And he starts like fucking with
(19:27):
the system, right? And doing what I do more so as a
coach, like really catalyzing people, saying the hard thing,
getting them to look at their shit, take action rather than
just like spin around in their words and their patterns.
And the humanness in it is so raw.
And there's this one character that always says like things
always go my way. And you have to really believe
that for that to work and for itto have impact.
(19:48):
Well, what a great truth to start to convince yourself of,
right. What a great belief to instill
in yourself that things always go your way.
And so I'm choosing to believe that.
I'm choosing to believe that foryou too.
But the more you trust yourself,the more you feel deeply, the
more you say the hard things, the more you become all of you
and express that and ask to be loving that.
(20:11):
And. Be loved in that and only love
others in all of them. Like don't let them pretend,
don't let them mask, don't let them hide, don't let them
people. Please don't let them be nice.
Don't let them sacrifice who they are to earn your love.
And same with you. You got to be who you are to
truly be loved. The only way you don't feel seen
and heard is if you're not saying what you need to say and
(20:33):
showing them who you truly are. So keep doing that with you.
Keep seeing yourself, keep listening to yourself.
I hope you're speaking your truth.
I hope you're showing the world who you are, both in your
intimate relationships and to the world, because you deserve
that. Because when it isn't it, you're
(20:53):
it. And they're coming.
Thank you so much for being here.
If you got value from today's episode, it would mean the world
to me. If you would like it, give it a
five star review, share it with a friend or share it on your
social. And I would love to connect with
you on my socials at Veronica Jane under score on Instagram
(21:16):
and www.veronicajane.com where you can access links to all my
offers and events. Remember, we're always
unbecoming What isn't us to become what is.
This isn't me.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.