April 21, 2025 • 11 mins
Rules? Who made those rules?
In this fire-starting episode of This Isn't Me podcast I'm inviting you to look at the "shoulds,” “musts,” and “nice girls don’t” rules that have been running the show behind the scenes!
From people-pleasing, repressing emotions and dissociating to avoid the next thing, I'm calling out the unconscious rulebook you women have been handed—and daring you to toss it in the trash!
This is your permission slip to get bold, get honest, and get free from the rules! No rules in love and in life, except that you CHOOSE!
Stop living by rules you never agreed to!
Want help discovering the unconscious rules you've been living by? Book that call here !
Connect with me on my website: www.veronicajayne.com and on Instagram @veronicajayne_
Did you know you can also watch episodes of This Isn't Me podcast on YouTube? @veronicajayne
~ In love and learning, Veronica Jayne
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
And yet The thing is, I know so many of you don't know what your
rules are. You haven't decided what your
values are, what's important to you.
You've just adopted all these unconscious rules and they're
not really working for you. Hi, I'm Veronica Jane,
(00:21):
Embodiment Empowerment and Relationship Coach.
And this is this. Isn't me.
Podcast. I wonder if you've ever found
yourself in a moment where you look at your life and realize
this isn't me and you're ready for the next version of.
Yourself. That's what This Isn't Me
podcast is all about. Letting go of the past and
stepping into the future. You.
Desire and deserve. This isn't me.
(00:44):
Anymore. Welcome to another episode of
This Isn't Me podcast. I'm Veronica Jane and I'm here
pumped and ready to share with you about this topic that there
are no rules. OK, And I'm sharing this loudly
today because some of you still don't get it.
There are no rules. Let's talk about it.
(01:04):
There are no rules. When it comes to life.
There's no rules when it comes to love.
There's no rules other than the ones that you choose for
yourself and that you choose to participate in and that you
choose to follow and that you choose to abide by.
OK, So you get to choose, and I want you to really get that.
So let me share some stories to help you really make sense of
this for yourself and decide which rules you want to choose.
(01:27):
When I was younger, we had a rule that we weren't allowed to
cross the street unless there was an adult there.
Yeah, but as I got a bit older, if a ball went across the street
or the cat crossed the street, Iwas allowed to cross the street
by myself. And suddenly being allowed to
cross the street in a certain circumstance made me look back
(01:48):
and wonder, why couldn't I crossthe street before this illusion
was shattered? Perhaps I could have, and I just
didn't. And it didn't because it was
someone else's expectation, someone else's rule.
So let's look at this a little bigger, right?
That's a really simple example. Well, there's no rules when it
comes to love to who you can fuck, who you can love, who you
(02:10):
can date, who you can marry. There's no rules in relationship
except the ones you choose for yourself.
Except the ones that you choose in the people that you partner
with. Yeah, you guys get to choose
you, and whoever you choose to love or fuck get to make up the
rules. Do you know this?
I didn't. I didn't When I was married, I
(02:30):
remember having conversations with my husband like, well, we
can't do that because. And The thing is, some of the
social rules that were given to us are there for a reason.
Yeah, society's there letting usknow these things seem to work.
These seem, these things seem tonot.
And yet sometimes there's rules there that aren't gonna help
(02:52):
you. They're not serving you, They're
not actually valuable for you. And only you get to decide what
the rules are for you, which ones are actually gonna help you
get what you want and experiencethe life that you want.
But The thing is, a lot of you are walking around with all
these unconscious rules about how you can be as a woman, not
(03:13):
being too sexy, oh, heaven forbid, and yet not being too
prudish. Yeah, And you can't really
please everyone, can you? I learned that the hard way a
few weeks ago with some of the content that I shared.
And I talked about it in last week's episode.
And it's just had it clearer andclearer for me that there are
just no rules. There are no rules but that
would you choose for yourself. And that's why it's so important
(03:35):
to get clear on what is true foryou, what are your values, what
are your beliefs? What do you want in life?
How do you want to show up? So for me, the rules I choose
right now is that when I pick somebody, that's it.
Yeah, they are it for me. There's no one else.
It's them. They're my person.
All eyes on them, all energy towards them.
(03:57):
And yet within that, there's nota lot of rules.
Yeah, I'd love to be able to explore, to play, to adventure,
to do all the things life has tooffer.
And in relationship, for me, that looks like a lot less rules
than some of you might have. And yet a lot more rules than a
(04:17):
past version of me had. And these aren't unconscious
rules now, they're conscious rules.
When you meet someone, you get to have the conversation of
like, hey, do you choose the rule of monogamy or no?
Do you choose the rule of safer sex practices?
And what does that look like foryou?
Do you choose the rule of havingSTI checks and showing them to
(04:37):
each other before we're intimate?
Do you choose the rule of deleting apps once you've met
each other, of not talking to other people, not flirting?
Like, you get to make up all your own rules.
And This is why what, like, spiritual communities love to
call, like conscious relating. This is what's so important
about that. Yeah.
Is that you get to bring at the beginning of a relationship all
(04:58):
the things that you want to be your rules.
And yet The thing is, I know so many of you don't know what your
rules are. You haven't decided what your
values are, what's important to you.
You've just adopted all these unconscious rules and they're
not really working for you. And it's frustrating you.
And the reason I wanna talk to you about this specifically is
'cause I'm really irked by how many of you are walking around
(05:22):
people pleasers. You are walking around being
sweet and forgiving and passive and you're really unhappy and
you're resentful and you're mean, but it doesn't look mean
'cause it's passive aggressive and it's subtle and it's you
shutting down and it's you ignoring and it's you
(05:44):
repressing, and that's mean. It's mean to you, it's mean to
them. But it's because you have all
these unconscious rules and they've broken them, and you
haven't been able to communicatethem, and you haven't been able
to share what you want and what you need.
And so you're trying to be this good girl and be forgiving and
be nice. And then out there in the world,
(06:04):
you're letting all this shit happen because you're not taking
a stand. You're not letting yourself get
angry when shit's not OK. You're not letting yourself be
sad and express it when they hurt you and say Ouch, that
hurts. You're not letting yourself
speak to what you're afraid of. You're speaking to what hurts.
You're just dissociating, disappearing, becoming a robot,
(06:26):
a nice little good girl who doesthe jobs, take the kids to
school, cleans the house, goes to work, does whatever it is
that you've agreed, consciously or unconsciously, to do in this
relationship. But you're not happy and you,
you want more. You haven't even admitted it to
yourself. You just drag your feet through
(06:47):
life living by all these rules and you're starting to die
inside. How do I know 'cause I've been
her, been her numerous times at different iterations.
The thing is, there's no rules except except those that you
choose. And I wonder which ones you're
choosing. And do you have a rule that you
(07:07):
can't get mad? You know, there's all this non
violent communication stuff and there's value in learning some
of those skills. And yet some of the most
powerful communication you have is gonna feel violent to some
people with the tonality that you choose.
Like the way I'm speaking today for some of you will feel a lot
because I'm a motive behind it. I'm passionate.
But The thing is, if you've got this rule of you can't get angry
(07:30):
and trying to communicate logically isn't getting your
point across, it's because they can't feel you.
Like when someone has crossed a line, you need to get angry.
You can do it respectfully, You can do it with love.
You can be safe. And yet the tone, the emotion
behind it, it's gonna feel angering because it's angry.
(07:53):
If someone crosses your boundaries, if someone does
something that's not OK with you, that's outside of explicit
agreements, you're allowed to get angry.
And The thing is, so many of youare getting angry about the
unconscious implicit agreements that you have because you
haven't communicated what you want, what you need, what your
rules are going to be. And so I invite you into a few
(08:13):
things. The first is to get super clear
on what your rules are, the onesyou've unconsciously adopted.
How do you do that? You start observing yourself in
life and just looking at huh, I have a rule that we have to do
the dishes before bed. Have I ever said that to him?
Them? Have I told them I have a rule
(08:36):
that I have to speak with kindness and soft pitch and then
when they do it different, I walk away.
Have I communicated that rule? Is that OK?
Does that work? I have a rule that I have to
speak softly or it doesn't feel loving.
Is that rule working for me? Can you just start observing all
the implicit rules you've been living by and start
(08:57):
communicating them? Start deciding, do I want those
rules? Are they working for me, or is
there something else available to me?
Because a lot of you have these rules about emotions.
No, don't feel them. No, no, no, don't show them.
Don't be angry. Don't be sad, except when you're
alone and instead of feeling, you just scroll Instagram,
(09:21):
drink, watch TV, whatever your chosen strategy is.
You're not allowed to tell someone when they hurt you.
You're not allowed to want. You're not allowed to desire to
be touched, to be met, to be affirmed, to be validated.
Except when you're drunk. Yeah, then you're allowed.
Then you can hook up with a guy and seek validation.
Because I don't know what's yourreason.
(09:45):
So what I'm inviting you to do, to start observing your life,
step back, watch yourself and see all the things you do, all
the things you say and look at. If I say that, if I do that,
what must I believe? What have I chosen as the rules
for life? And The thing is, I'm fucking
off those rules. And I wonder which rules you're
(10:07):
gonna fuck off. Because at different times in
our lives, different rules serveus.
Yeah. The rules that we get to choose
each time might work. And then we outgrow the rule.
Just like we outgrow coping strategies, just like we outgrow
beliefs. And So what rules have you been
observing, girl? Where are you operating in life
from? Conscious or unconscious rules
(10:29):
that you get to start breaking. Thanks for joining me for
another episode. If you got value from what you
heard today, I would love for you to like it to give it a five
star review, share it with a friend or share it on your
socials. And I would love to connect with
you on my socials. You can find me at Veronica Jane
(10:50):
under score on Instagram where you can access links to all my
upcoming offers and events. Remember, now is always a great
time. To decide this.
Isn't me.
And yet The thing is, I know so many of you don't know what your
rules are. You haven't decided what your
values are, what's important to you.
You've just adopted all these unconscious rules and they're
not really working for you. Hi, I'm Veronica Jane,
(00:21):
Embodiment Empowerment and Relationship Coach.
And this is this. Isn't me.
Podcast. I wonder if you've ever found
yourself in a moment where you look at your life and realize
this isn't me and you're ready for the next version of.
Yourself. That's what This Isn't Me
podcast is all about. Letting go of the past and
stepping into the future. You.
Desire and deserve. This isn't me.
(00:44):
Anymore. Welcome to another episode of
This Isn't Me podcast. I'm Veronica Jane and I'm here
pumped and ready to share with you about this topic that there
are no rules. OK, And I'm sharing this loudly
today because some of you still don't get it.
There are no rules. Let's talk about it.
(01:04):
There are no rules. When it comes to life.
There's no rules when it comes to love.
There's no rules other than the ones that you choose for
yourself and that you choose to participate in and that you
choose to follow and that you choose to abide by.
OK, So you get to choose, and I want you to really get that.
So let me share some stories to help you really make sense of
this for yourself and decide which rules you want to choose.
(01:27):
When I was younger, we had a rule that we weren't allowed to
cross the street unless there was an adult there.
Yeah, but as I got a bit older, if a ball went across the street
or the cat crossed the street, Iwas allowed to cross the street
by myself. And suddenly being allowed to
cross the street in a certain circumstance made me look back
(01:48):
and wonder, why couldn't I crossthe street before this illusion
was shattered? Perhaps I could have, and I just
didn't. And it didn't because it was
someone else's expectation, someone else's rule.
So let's look at this a little bigger, right?
That's a really simple example. Well, there's no rules when it
comes to love to who you can fuck, who you can love, who you
(02:10):
can date, who you can marry. There's no rules in relationship
except the ones you choose for yourself.
Except the ones that you choose in the people that you partner
with. Yeah, you guys get to choose
you, and whoever you choose to love or fuck get to make up the
rules. Do you know this?
I didn't. I didn't When I was married, I
(02:30):
remember having conversations with my husband like, well, we
can't do that because. And The thing is, some of the
social rules that were given to us are there for a reason.
Yeah, society's there letting usknow these things seem to work.
These seem, these things seem tonot.
And yet sometimes there's rules there that aren't gonna help
(02:52):
you. They're not serving you, They're
not actually valuable for you. And only you get to decide what
the rules are for you, which ones are actually gonna help you
get what you want and experiencethe life that you want.
But The thing is, a lot of you are walking around with all
these unconscious rules about how you can be as a woman, not
(03:13):
being too sexy, oh, heaven forbid, and yet not being too
prudish. Yeah, And you can't really
please everyone, can you? I learned that the hard way a
few weeks ago with some of the content that I shared.
And I talked about it in last week's episode.
And it's just had it clearer andclearer for me that there are
just no rules. There are no rules but that
would you choose for yourself. And that's why it's so important
(03:35):
to get clear on what is true foryou, what are your values, what
are your beliefs? What do you want in life?
How do you want to show up? So for me, the rules I choose
right now is that when I pick somebody, that's it.
Yeah, they are it for me. There's no one else.
It's them. They're my person.
All eyes on them, all energy towards them.
(03:57):
And yet within that, there's nota lot of rules.
Yeah, I'd love to be able to explore, to play, to adventure,
to do all the things life has tooffer.
And in relationship, for me, that looks like a lot less rules
than some of you might have. And yet a lot more rules than a
(04:17):
past version of me had. And these aren't unconscious
rules now, they're conscious rules.
When you meet someone, you get to have the conversation of
like, hey, do you choose the rule of monogamy or no?
Do you choose the rule of safer sex practices?
And what does that look like foryou?
Do you choose the rule of havingSTI checks and showing them to
(04:37):
each other before we're intimate?
Do you choose the rule of deleting apps once you've met
each other, of not talking to other people, not flirting?
Like, you get to make up all your own rules.
And This is why what, like, spiritual communities love to
call, like conscious relating. This is what's so important
about that. Yeah.
Is that you get to bring at the beginning of a relationship all
(04:58):
the things that you want to be your rules.
And yet The thing is, I know so many of you don't know what your
rules are. You haven't decided what your
values are, what's important to you.
You've just adopted all these unconscious rules and they're
not really working for you. And it's frustrating you.
And the reason I wanna talk to you about this specifically is
'cause I'm really irked by how many of you are walking around
(05:22):
people pleasers. You are walking around being
sweet and forgiving and passive and you're really unhappy and
you're resentful and you're mean, but it doesn't look mean
'cause it's passive aggressive and it's subtle and it's you
shutting down and it's you ignoring and it's you
(05:44):
repressing, and that's mean. It's mean to you, it's mean to
them. But it's because you have all
these unconscious rules and they've broken them, and you
haven't been able to communicatethem, and you haven't been able
to share what you want and what you need.
And so you're trying to be this good girl and be forgiving and
be nice. And then out there in the world,
(06:04):
you're letting all this shit happen because you're not taking
a stand. You're not letting yourself get
angry when shit's not OK. You're not letting yourself be
sad and express it when they hurt you and say Ouch, that
hurts. You're not letting yourself
speak to what you're afraid of. You're speaking to what hurts.
You're just dissociating, disappearing, becoming a robot,
(06:26):
a nice little good girl who doesthe jobs, take the kids to
school, cleans the house, goes to work, does whatever it is
that you've agreed, consciously or unconsciously, to do in this
relationship. But you're not happy and you,
you want more. You haven't even admitted it to
yourself. You just drag your feet through
(06:47):
life living by all these rules and you're starting to die
inside. How do I know 'cause I've been
her, been her numerous times at different iterations.
The thing is, there's no rules except except those that you
choose. And I wonder which ones you're
choosing. And do you have a rule that you
(07:07):
can't get mad? You know, there's all this non
violent communication stuff and there's value in learning some
of those skills. And yet some of the most
powerful communication you have is gonna feel violent to some
people with the tonality that you choose.
Like the way I'm speaking today for some of you will feel a lot
because I'm a motive behind it. I'm passionate.
But The thing is, if you've got this rule of you can't get angry
(07:30):
and trying to communicate logically isn't getting your
point across, it's because they can't feel you.
Like when someone has crossed a line, you need to get angry.
You can do it respectfully, You can do it with love.
You can be safe. And yet the tone, the emotion
behind it, it's gonna feel angering because it's angry.
(07:53):
If someone crosses your boundaries, if someone does
something that's not OK with you, that's outside of explicit
agreements, you're allowed to get angry.
And The thing is, so many of youare getting angry about the
unconscious implicit agreements that you have because you
haven't communicated what you want, what you need, what your
rules are going to be. And so I invite you into a few
(08:13):
things. The first is to get super clear
on what your rules are, the onesyou've unconsciously adopted.
How do you do that? You start observing yourself in
life and just looking at huh, I have a rule that we have to do
the dishes before bed. Have I ever said that to him?
Them? Have I told them I have a rule
(08:36):
that I have to speak with kindness and soft pitch and then
when they do it different, I walk away.
Have I communicated that rule? Is that OK?
Does that work? I have a rule that I have to
speak softly or it doesn't feel loving.
Is that rule working for me? Can you just start observing all
the implicit rules you've been living by and start
(08:57):
communicating them? Start deciding, do I want those
rules? Are they working for me, or is
there something else available to me?
Because a lot of you have these rules about emotions.
No, don't feel them. No, no, no, don't show them.
Don't be angry. Don't be sad, except when you're
alone and instead of feeling, you just scroll Instagram,
(09:21):
drink, watch TV, whatever your chosen strategy is.
You're not allowed to tell someone when they hurt you.
You're not allowed to want. You're not allowed to desire to
be touched, to be met, to be affirmed, to be validated.
Except when you're drunk. Yeah, then you're allowed.
Then you can hook up with a guy and seek validation.
Because I don't know what's yourreason.
(09:45):
So what I'm inviting you to do, to start observing your life,
step back, watch yourself and see all the things you do, all
the things you say and look at. If I say that, if I do that,
what must I believe? What have I chosen as the rules
for life? And The thing is, I'm fucking
off those rules. And I wonder which rules you're
(10:07):
gonna fuck off. Because at different times in
our lives, different rules serveus.
Yeah. The rules that we get to choose
each time might work. And then we outgrow the rule.
Just like we outgrow coping strategies, just like we outgrow
beliefs. And So what rules have you been
observing, girl? Where are you operating in life
from? Conscious or unconscious rules
(10:29):
that you get to start breaking. Thanks for joining me for
another episode. If you got value from what you
heard today, I would love for you to like it to give it a five
star review, share it with a friend or share it on your
socials. And I would love to connect with
you on my socials. You can find me at Veronica Jane
(10:50):
under score on Instagram where you can access links to all my
upcoming offers and events. Remember, now is always a great
time. To decide this.
Isn't me.
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