June 22, 2025 • 59 mins
There's something seriously wrong when you put your underpants on backwards in the morning, but that discomfort pales in comparison to what awaits our hosts in this wildly imaginative episode of Three Word Story.
We journey to South Africa to discover the Tokoloshi, a mischievous mythical creature from Zulu and Xhosa folklore that spreads misfortune and can only be kept at bay by elevating your bed on bricks. Dylan shares childhood memories of this cultural belief before James counters with his own mythical creation from "Turkmenistan" – a preposterous being that's half turkey, half man, and half Stan (yes, that's one and a half beings, because mythical creatures don't follow mathematical rules).
The episode transforms when we meet Slimothy, an aspiring rapper with questionable talents who attempts to freestyle using our three words: ticking, toolbar, and ample. His increasingly confident performances build to an unexpected showdown that leaves everyone questioning their sanity and accents.
But the true heart of this episode emerges when James transforms Dylan into an elven squire suffering from a painful anus. What follows is an epic quest complete with a noble steed named Hooves, enchanted forests filled with deadly riddles, rivers guarded by creatures that turn you to stone, and ultimately, the Cave of No Return where the mythical amulet of Anusol awaits. With dice rolls determining fate at every turn, this unpredictable adventure showcases the wild improvisational spirit that makes Three Word Story unlike anything else in your podcast feed.
Join us next week when we flip our format – choosing three words ourselves and using them to discover a random location that must be incorporated into our story. What three words would you choose?
Thank's for listening, Tune in next week for another episode!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Three Word Story.
I'm James, I'm Dylan, and thisis the podcast where we take
three words from the app whatthree words?
And improv the shit out of astory.
Today, on Three Word Story, mymind been ticking since my
goldfish passed, like myunderpants is not sitting right.
(00:22):
Yeah, why did you have to makeme an elf who goes there?
This is a guy with an anusproblem.
Well, hey there, dildo baggins.
(00:43):
How are you today?
Hey buddy, hey man.
Well, it's not usual that I seeyou like this at a 45 degree
angle.
That's a bit awkward, becausethis will be the first episode
that is on YouTube.
So we've got a superprofessional setup, and by super
(01:05):
professional I mean shonky.
Uh, I'll put the, put thepicture in the video of, uh, the
weird kind of bdsm setup thatwe have over behind us.
I'm sure this is how they do itin hollywood, dylan.
I'm sure this is the way.
I think that's how they startedin hollywood.
Let's, let's just talk aboutthat progress, right?
Rome wasn't built in a day,neither was hollywood, so we're
getting famously.
So that is the famous saying.
Rome wasn't built in a day,neither was Hollywood.
So we're getting there Famously.
So that is the famous sayingRome wasn't built in a day and
(01:26):
neither was Hollywood.
Double kill, right, dylan?
Before we get into our threewords.
So, obviously, we find threewords on the app.
What three words?
Based on the location of ourchoice, we find that we get
three words and then we improvthe shit out of the story.
But before dylan, I want to know, as my bestest friend, how are
(01:49):
you and why?
Yeah, man, it's been a good, uh, it's been a good weekend.
Watch, the attempt to watch abit of rugby.
Uh, last night, the bullsplayed against.
And how did that go for you?
Um, by watching the rugby.
Also not that great, because Icouldn't find a streaming
service that was willing to showthe rugby, okay, so, no, watchy
(02:10):
watchy.
No, no, watchy watchy.
Listen, listen, though.
Okay, yes, I listened to somerugby.
However, we lost so far that Ieventually just gave up on
trying to watch the rugby.
So I was like, yeah, I don'tsee them coming back, maybe.
So you just listened to acomplete ass pounding of uh, was
it lenster beating your team,the bulls, the bulls, by many,
many, many points to many, many,many little points.
(02:33):
Yeah, yeah, but it was quitefunny.
Now, just to think of the story.
I was obviously on this youtubechannel and they were live, uh,
commentating on the gamehappening.
So the person's watching thegame.
However, it's literally just abit late world we live in, where
(02:55):
we're watching someone watchsomething that we can't watch or
afford to watch or find towatch or find to watch.
But what amazes me is there'sstill people on a Saturday night
that can watch the rugbybecause there's one like there's
people commenting on thatchannel being like, yeah, the
ref should open his eyes.
I'm like, wait, hold on.
So you have a screen of matchand screen of man watching match
(03:18):
that you are watching you arenow commenting on.
I thought, listenita, just chill, it's like a human centipede of
rugby watching.
So, yeah, either way, um, yes,I did that and um, yeah, it was
a pretty chilled weekend.
Okay, all right, anything funand interesting, fun,
interesting this morning.
(03:39):
No, no, no, I thought twiceabout saying this out loud, but
something didn't sit quite rightwith me.
You know, when I don't know,you know there's something wrong
or something kind of off centerand you can't know why.
Are we talking ghosts andghouls or violent diarrhea?
No, no, no, no Kind of in thesetup of the day.
(04:03):
So, yes, with me, okay, but Ididn't know what it was Like.
I felt uncomfortable in my ownbody and I just didn't know why.
And when I eventually did go tothe to the gents room to
relieve myself, I realized I hadmy underpants the wrong way
around.
I did feel a bit kind ofrestricted.
(04:26):
My ass felt like it had all theroom in the world, and then my
penis was just lodged into mygooch and suddenly into my anus
and I felt I'd just pop it backout again.
So you had managed to put andwe're talking.
Are we talking boxer briefs?
Are we talking like long trunksor are we talking boxer briefs?
Are we talking like long trunksor we're talking why friends?
Yeah, we're talking about Iguess we are still of that age
(04:48):
of briefs, right?
Yeah, so very much.
You start from an early age withwhy fronts, correct, like
you're a young little toddlerand your parents are buying you
like why friends, right.
And then there's some pointthat we then evolve to like
boxer briefs.
And then, as far as Iunderstand, there's a point in
eldliness where these boxer kindof tighter briefs turn into
(05:09):
basically like full undershorts,like they come up to like just
above your knee and baggy ashell, I assume, to allow for the
large sagging testicles of anelderly man.
Are you aware of this evolution?
But now that you say it notthat I am zoned into older men's
(05:32):
genitals, so you're not zoomedinto older men's genitals I do
wonder what you're looking at inthe changing rooms at the gym,
because you seem pretty zoomedin on older men's genitals.
Don't close your mouth and getyour tongue back in your mouth.
Anyway, okay, yeah, so, um,yeah, it was just a little
switch up this morning and forthe listeners and watchers at
(05:53):
home, are your underpants theright way round?
Yes, they are.
Nice job, nice job, nice job,thanks, tom, uh, nice job, nice,
thanks tom.
Uh.
So our producer, tom, he'stelling me in my ear now nice
job, nice job, guys.
But we need to get on with wherewe are going in the world, to
(06:14):
find the location of our threewords, and I believe, dylan, you
were the one that last weeksaid that we needed to venture
off into the big old, wide,scary world out there and find a
mythical creature.
Is that correct?
That is correct, oh, delicious.
Well, dylan, it's your mythicalcreature.
(06:34):
I was really ready for thathigh note to just be like
speaking to dolphins.
Why, what's his back doing it?
Yeah, um, three words.
Mythical creature.
We weren't, we weren't due to dospit takes.
Just okay, that's for later.
(06:55):
Um, okay, right.
So where are we going in theworld?
Where are the three?
That's why, that's why you,okay, that's fair, we are going
back home.
Yeah, yeah, local, oh, here wego.
Local is Laker and for thosewatchers out there who've never
seen us before, where is home toyou and why?
Home to me is South Africa,specifically Centurion, and if
(07:16):
you really listened to the firstepisode, you can track down my
childhood house, please.
Yes, we did do that.
That was really stupid.
Yeah, that was so stupid.
We were like, oh, we're notgoing to give, we're not going
to tell, like, the road names,we're not going to give you the
post code of our location, butwe will give you three exact,
precise words to use.
On what?
Three words?
So you can find our householdand find where our families once
(07:38):
lived and turn it into a shrinefor us and or burn it down,
depending on how you feel aboutus, uh, or do nothing because
you're thoroughly indifferent.
So, human beings, you, dylan,he's gone home.
Uh, I've gone somewhat home,okay, and I've stuck to um, a
mythical creature, a mythicalcreature home to home.
(08:05):
Explain the tokoloshi.
Okay, right, okay, that's notthose little electronic things
that you looked at, that's atamagotchi.
Ah, my bad.
Okay, fair enough, nice, yeah,but that was a fair shout.
Okay, I was just confusedbecause I can imagine a little
Dylan sat home in Centurion witha little tamagotchi crying
while his little creature diedagain Because I didn't feed him
(08:27):
in four days.
But no, that was more so mysister's.
I tried and after the first timeit died, I took it personally
and I'm like well, you don'twant to keep on living.
I stopped with that very soon.
You were like, and so youblamed the right thing and you
moved on.
I cannot take on anotherTamagotchi in my life.
(08:48):
So you just had one and doneyour entire life you had one
Tamagotchi.
What was his name?
I don't know, you didn't evenyou erased it from your brain.
Tamagotchi, did you host afuneral for it outside A little
e-grave and just sat there witha tear strolling down your face?
(09:08):
Honestly, after seeing how howmuch other people were kind of
committed to this little thing,I thought, I thought it was
ludicrous.
I tried it.
Obviously didn't work out.
No, no, because I died aheinous, heinous death.
Yeah, yeah, okay, and um, itjust moved on pretty quickly.
Okay, so please tell me aboutyour mythical beast, mythical
beast, tokoloshi, right, so,different sources say different
things, but how I grew up withit, it's this mythical creature
(09:31):
that disappears if it drinkswater.
But basically, the idea of thismythical creature it spreads
like violence, misfortune, likedeath.
Even so, it's, it's a, it's apretty dark creature, uh, and I
think it's mostly prominent inum, in, like the zulu and kosa
(09:55):
tribes.
Okay, so is this like we'retalking like an ancient mythical
being?
Yeah, like, um, I don't knowwhat kind of age range to put it
as, but yeah, it's like this,the dwarf-like creature that, um
, basically just goes aroundspreading misfortune.
Okay, I think it can besummoned by a sangoma, which is
(10:18):
a, is a south african witchdoctor, basically, okay, um, so,
yeah, basically.
So when you were, when you're upat late at night and you're
fiddling around with yourtamagotchi, would you then
parents, come in and be like, begood, little d-bag, otherwise
the monster tamagotchi will comeand get you and eat your, your
soul.
Um, yeah, so I actually have astory where I went with Lucas,
(10:45):
which he was a Corsa man and Iremember him sleeping Like he
built his bed like out of bricks, like it was a foundation, was
his bed stand and then obviouslya mattress on top and it was
kind of like and people still doit up until today so that the
Tokoloshi can't go underneaththe bed, like the boogeyman it's
(11:07):
to, to keep him.
So just that's where he hides,apparently.
Tokoloshi, tokoloshi, tokoloshi.
So the only way for him topenetrate you, I guess, if
that's what they're worriedabout, he's gonna.
He's gonna penetrate you inyour bed.
He's gonna come underneath yourgoing to penetrate you in your
bed.
He's going to come underneathyour bed to penetrate you, so it
doesn't penetrate you on top ofyour bed or like in through the
(11:28):
side.
I'm not sure what the specificswere.
I didn't.
I didn't necessarily grow,necessarily grow up that scared
of it.
Yes, it's one of those thingswhere it got mentioned quite a
few times and you're like, no,but I mean, you don't want to be
the first one to die.
So, yeah, you always just beaware of all these.
(11:48):
So what was your under bedsituation then?
Uh, yeah, I actually had agreat space for him to hide.
Uh, you were inviting him in.
As soon as you heard aboutpenetration, you were like, okay
, okay, samagotchi, get in mybed, I'm just sat here all by
myself, swoop on in and crush mysoul and spread some mischief.
Okay.
(12:09):
So, yeah, spread some Mischief.
And I figured you know what,let me go when I think there's a
fair bit of Misfortune.
And I figured, yeah, let's Goto Brockbahn.
Okay, what's so Special ornon-special about Brockbahn?
Brockbahn is actually.
And I figured, yeah, let's goto Brakban.
Okay, yeah, what's so specialor non-special about Brakban?
Brakban is actually just a.
(12:31):
I think it's a good community.
I think they've had theirstruggles.
I think they might, actually,I'm probably.
I love the people from Brakban.
That's nice, that's nice.
They're good people.
However, it looks like theypermanently go through hard
times in terms of yeah, becausethis Tamagotchi guy is running
around spreading mischief, right, right.
(12:52):
So, basically, the three wordsthat that gave me was ticking,
toolbar and ample.
Ticket Again, sorry, repeatTicking, ticking, toolbar,
toolbar, repeat Ticking, ticking, toolbar, toolbar and ample and
ample.
So if you put those three wordsinto the website, what three
words?
They will take you specificallyto Black Barn.
(13:13):
And where in Black Barn?
Is it like someone's house orwas it just on the B of Black
Barn on the map.
No, it was my four little bricksor four little squares, and so,
for those at home who may benow terrified that one of these
Tamagotchi guys are going to behanging over their bed, you said
they were like a dwarf.
Yeah, like a man.
What are we talking?
(13:34):
They describe this it's hideousbeing.
I never knew what it would looklike because it's, I mean, you
kind of imagine what it wouldlook like.
But this is actually the firsttime I'm Googling it and, yeah,
it basically looks like what Iuh, what are they called?
Almost like a Gremlin typething.
But this is what I found oh man, that's terrifying, that is and
(13:58):
that could have.
I've seen people like that inin in England, like that in in
in england.
Honestly, in a weather spoonsat 1am in the morning.
I've seen people just like thatit's probably just a tamagotchi
on a downtime or just beforehe's gonna go penetrate
someone's under their bed.
So I can understand where thatwould have come from.
Yeah, what a terrifying thing.
So, yeah, that would keep youup at night, okay, so those are
(14:21):
giving you your three words.
You went home and we found whatis a true legend, an urban
legend, yeah, okay.
Well, for my three words, dylan.
I did not go home, okay,because England we have some
like Victorian ghosts justknocking around a hotel or two,
you know, they'll just shriek inthe night.
Nothing particularly scary,okay.
(14:42):
So I've had to go to the stands, the countries of the stands,
right, all right.
Not much known about them fromour point of view.
So I thought, speak foryourself.
I am an expert in the stands,in the stands, okay.
Well, dylan, I bet you havenever.
Don't call me on it.
Okay, welcome to the quiz.
(15:03):
Turkistan or not?
Well, I went to the countryTurk Menestan, all right, okay,
and I did some digging throughthe archives.
I went to an ancient librarydeep into Turkmenistan so that's
where I've been MIA the pastcouple of days because I've been
on a trip and I went into theirfounding book, it, this large
(15:26):
leather-bound book covered withancient dust, and then I opened
the book to find whereTurkmenistan has got his name.
So the Turkmenistan is actuallya monster Half turkey, half man
, half Stan, so it's one and ahalf beings, dylan, this half
(15:52):
turkey, half man, half Stan, andby Stan I mean someone who's
really fucking into you, likeyou know the Eminem level of
Stan.
You know you're a Stan,someone's a Stan.
You're a super fan, stan Stan.
Oh, okay, stan stan, you get me.
No, yeah, but you've seen,you've seen.
You know the song right, it'ssunny's like hey, slim, I really
like you so much, and then,like he turns nasty, but you
(16:13):
call that a stan.
Oh shit, actually, sorry, therewe go.
Sorry, yeah, nice job, we'velearned something today.
So the country of turkmenistanis named after its heinous, a
most scary, terrifying, mythicalcreature the half-Turkey,
half-man, half-stan.
Now, I bet you're thinkingTurkmenistan big country.
(16:34):
Of course it is.
It's one of the stans.
They're really fucking largeand no one knows what's going on
in them, except for ahalf-Turkey, half-man half-stan.
Where is it located inTurkmenistan?
Well, it is in the mostterrifying, the scariest, most
frightening, shocking names inTurkmenistan.
It is the city of Mary.
(16:58):
Nice job, the ship, terrifying.
So Mary is a city in an oasisin the Karakum Desert in
turkmenistan, located on themergab river, and was founded in
1884 because the previous wasabandoned.
Some say it was ravaged by themongols, dylan.
(17:21):
Others say it was the halfturkey, half half man, half Stan
.
So Is that math, though?
Like half half half?
Yeah, it's a mythical beast,dylan.
It is a half man, half turkey,half Stan.
It's one and a half.
Okay, it is a crazy beast.
(17:43):
Okay, it is one and a halfbeings.
That means it is mythical.
What's what's so interestingabout half turkey, half man?
Well, that's fucking bullshit.
Just gobbling around all thefloor with a little ball bag
hanging down from its neck, Iwant something terrifying half
man, half turkey, but someone,when they like you, gets really
fucking into you, follows you,takes lockets of your hair, you
(18:04):
know, sends creepy gifts to yourhouse.
That is the half turkey, halfman, half stan, turkmenistan
monster beast in the heartlandof mary.
Okay, now I bet you're thinkingno, I know what you're thinking
.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking what threewords could these possibly have
given you, james?
And is your story got anythingto do with the half turkey, half
(18:26):
man, half stan?
Well, I say no, but the threewords that we have today that
relate to this episode arethudding, quest episode.
It's thudding quest episode.
We're going to have a questepisode.
We're going to do a questepisode.
I have a quest for you.
Yeah, if I didn't know, you hadthat.
So, after your story, dylan,because you, you've gone first,
(18:48):
we will be having a thuddingquest episode.
You're going on a quest,there'll be zany characters,
there'll be trials andtribulations and there may or
may not be a happy ending.
You'll have to see.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
Drop it down low.
Three word story.
So, dylan, your three wordswere Ticking, toolbar and ample.
(19:12):
And what is your three wordstory?
And why so I actually?
You know where I find thesecharacters.
I find them wandering about.
Obviously, we I networksomewhat, right?
Yeah, I have noticed younetworking, networking around,
giving cards out to people,talking to people in elevators,
and I always know it's becauseyou're trying to get a
(19:33):
three-word story out and Iappreciate that.
100.
So met this guy, uh, calledcurtis.
Yeah, curtis loves the third.
If you really want to bespecific, okay, right, curt Love
III.
However, he's looking for aplatform to kind of showcase his
rap.
(19:53):
Okay, nice, okay, right.
What better platform than athree-word story?
I actually thought what aterrible idea.
Because he's not as talented ashe thinks he is.
Hey, neither are we.
It's the best place to beTouche.
Yes, exactly, thinks he is.
Hey, neither are we, it's thebest place to be touche.
Yes, exactly.
Three word story, limited ontalented and awful setups of
audio and lighting.
(20:13):
Yeah, so, um, basically, thisparticular person, he gave me a
sample, okay, sample, kind of awhat what skills he's got.
But I figured, um, he's notnecessarily at the best of what
he does, but he is entertaining.
So I invited him on the showand, uh, so he's here.
(20:36):
He's here.
Oh, my goodness, all the wayfrom kentucky.
Oh, an american guest again.
No, no, kentucky in kazakhstan.
Oh, I'm sorry, my bad, it's'snot far from Mary, right, yeah,
so he draws a lot of inspirationfrom Eminem.
Actually, you know what?
I'm not going to do?
Much of the talking, okay, I'llhave him sit here, you can.
(20:58):
You can ask him a couple ofquestions if you want, okay, but
, yeah, good luck with a littleSlimothy Slimothy, hey, slim.
Uh, good luck with uh littleslimothy, slimothy, hey,
slimothy, how you doing yo man?
How you doing hi, sorry,slimothy, right, yeah, yeah,
that's my rap name, slimothy.
(21:19):
That is a fantastic rap name.
Now, um, uh, dylan only gave mea little little bit.
You're a rap artist, right,that, that that'll be.
So, that'll be.
So, okay, right, um, so we havea platform here, a three-word
story, um, spread to tens ofpeople, where we can get your
story, your rap, your songs outthere, but first of all, as with
(21:42):
any music, slimothy, we need abit of backstory.
Who are you and why?
You know, man, life's beentough.
I'll be honest.
I grew up in the hood of WestHollywood in Kentucky.
Okay, in Kazakhstan, yeah, yeah, kentucky, in Kazakhstan.
(22:07):
I'm not sure there's a lot ofstands, but yeah, yeah, so no.
So I kind of just figured Idon't want to be what the rest
of the town is.
So thus I went with Withsomething.
I was leaning a bit more Intomusic After my After some Some
difficulties in my life, okay,and yeah, after, after my
(22:31):
goldfish died, what was yourgoldfish name?
It was Froldfish, thrilled Fish,froldfish, froldfish.
Okay, my goldfish namedFroldfish Froldfish.
Okay, and they passed away.
And is some of that soulrelated to your music?
Yeah, and they passed away.
And it is some of that soulrelated to your music.
(22:53):
Man, if I were a podcast guest,I would think that's a very
funny name for for goldfish.
Come on, that guy must bereally good at it, bro.
Yeah, absolutely, three wordstory.
It's all about improv, for sure.
Yo, yo, yo, I drew someinspiration from that, just
(23:15):
knowing that tough times canpass, and yet if you just dive
deep into your music, well,that's how I just kind of
escaped it.
So, yeah, man, that's that's mystory.
That's my story.
And have you got some sick beatsto lay down today in front of
all?
Yeah, I actually came in justto set the record straight
(23:36):
because, um, some, some peopleuh kind of say that, uh, my
freestyles, I can't keep themgoing like I get in my head a
lot, and they say I just alwaysmake excuses and kind of chicken
out of them.
And I'm just here to to kind ofset the record straight.
So I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna doa rap for y'all, okay, and uh,
(23:56):
do you want me to lay down somesick beats for you right now and
then you can spit some bars?
Yeah, yeah, man, yeah, I'm, I'malways, I'm always ready, I'm
always ready, I'm always ready.
Okay, all right, let's seeRight.
So, slimothy, yo, yo For thethree-word story public For
shizzle bars.
Let's see what you got.
Yo, hey, it's Timothy Slimothy,ready for some beats.
(24:25):
Yo, missed that one.
Let me wait for another one.
My mind been ticking since mygoldfish passed.
I wrote him in the will andsigned it in a crayon past.
(24:46):
Got a watch that don't work, butI still Flex it Sayin' Time's
an illusion.
That's my mental skill.
Yo, yo, yo, stop, stop, stop,whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop.
Well, what happened, timothy?
Come on, I felt like we were ona flow there.
Yo, what happened?
(25:06):
What happened?
I'm actually thirsty.
Oh, okay, that's that's why.
Okay, I just, I just neededEnjoying a delicious Clips
Heineken Zero, enjoying adelicious Heineken Zero.
Yeah, man, so I was not in myflow, I was just parched.
(25:27):
Okay, is your whistle wetted?
Is your whistle wetted?
Is your whistle wetted?
That was better.
Have you got a wet whistle?
Yes, okay, all right, all right, okay, okay.
So Dan told me to use the wordtoolbar because apparently it's
part of his three word story andI just wanted to work it in
there.
Okay, okay.
So you just just that's.
(25:48):
That's, that's the level of theword of three word stories.
You're just going to say theword in between songs and rhyme
it with another word.
Ah, okay, sorry, sorry, Iforgot.
You are a sick rapper.
Yeah, yo, yo, bro, do we needto do?
We want to stack these, thesesick beats up again.
You know what?
Just keep on rolling, keep onrolling and then, yeah, keep on
(26:10):
rolling, baby, yeah yeah, roundtwo.
Life gave me pop-ups.
I closed them with my toolbarbut now it's frozen, like my ex
in her car Tried to right-clickDestiny but my mouse won't
(26:36):
listen.
I downloaded Success but forgotto installation the mission.
Yo yo, stop, stop.
Okay, what happened?
I thought we were man.
I could feel you staring at meand I felt a weird.
I was just intoxicated withyour six, six bars.
(26:58):
You might just be intoxicated,man.
I.
I just want to say it's, it's aweird vibe.
I'm feeling right like, notlike my underpants.
Is you got your underpants in atwist?
Okay, yeah, so no, I kind of,kind of go yeah, don't worry,
I'm better than this.
Keep it wrote.
Okay, all right, we're back in,we're back in, we're back in.
I got god.
(27:20):
No, let me try, I'll leave it.
Got ample trauma, like 10 bagsof flaming Cheetos and cousin
who raps in Morse code atcasinos.
My confidence ample, likeplates at noon, buffet plates at
(27:42):
noon.
But my purse collapsed like abouncy castle at a family
reunion.
Yo yo, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Man, I'm out here freestylingand you just cramping up my
business.
I was just, I was doing a littlebit of producing.
(28:04):
You know, I think of myself asa timberlake timberland.
I think of myself as a timber,a timber lake, timberland,
timberland.
I think of myself as atimberland.
You know, I'm just sat heregoing, I'm just chucking an
explosion or something, and forthat all I ask I'll just there's
a little bit of production.
All I ask is for my name to beon the song, completely like so
it's just james and it'll befeaturing you.
(28:25):
Okay, that's that's my level ofproduction here.
If that's okay with you, I'mjust adding some a little bit of
pepper, a little bit spice onwhat do you think I'm not happy
with the setup.
I think you you trying to clownum dylan.
What do you want to say?
Well, you know what?
Honestly, I think we should.
(28:46):
Uh, okay, all right, we'refucking out, all right.
Okay, but dylan's back in theroom, everyone.
It's just, you guys look sosimilar.
I mean, it's just a genericwhite guy, number three.
You know he's back again.
Uh, that was terrible.
Uh, you didn't enjoy that.
I didn't enjoy that at all.
Why did you invite him in ifyou thought he was so bad?
I mean, I thought it would beentertaining.
That's why I brought him on,hey.
(29:09):
But now I actually just want tospit it.
I want to give him some threemore words.
Okay, right, um, and what so?
Um, listen, slimothy, you goodwith uh good working in uh choke
coward and excuses, oh shit,and where, where are these?
What do you mean, these threewords?
(29:30):
Are they from anywhere or arethey just you're just chucking
three more words at him?
No, I just figured it would befitting, but we can reword that.
Okay, so it's a slam.
Sorry, it was a slam.
I missed that one.
I thought we were talking abouta location.
I'm not slamming anyone, okay.
I'm just plainly giving himwords and see if he can.
(29:51):
He can use it, okay.
Well, slimothy, now's your time.
What have you got?
Can you hit the cowardly?
Yo man, I gotta choke coward.
Excuses, that sounds personalto me.
Drop the beat.
I try to spit fire, but Istarted to choke Like a sandwich
stuck in my throat.
That's no joke.
(30:11):
Yeah, oh, that was goodproducing right there.
Thank you very much.
I'll have my name on the songand it'll be featuring you.
Yeah, well, you know what?
Let's roll in with Coward 3, 2,1, let's drop it.
Oh, yeah, rolling with CowardThree, two, one.
Let's drop it.
Ah, yeah, hey, sorry, we'rejust warming up to the next bit.
(30:34):
Here we go, here we go.
It's building, it's building.
Slimothy, you are going toknock this one out the park.
Slim and Em is what they call me.
I think that's a copyright.
I am no coward, just shine whenthe mic's in my grip Hearts
racing fast like a runaway ship.
Yeah, boom, yeah, man, coward,you see you're dropping there,
(30:56):
and that was all just made up aswell.
Right, it was just off the topof your head.
Boom, slimothy, curtis, slimothy, wow, showed you, showed you,
dylan, showed you.
You know what?
I ain't making excuses.
We'll drop a last one, just tosend Dylan home.
Oh shit, with a tail tuckedbetween his Backwards panties.
Got a list of excuses Longerthan my Rap sheet, Like my
(31:21):
brain's buffering and my flow'sOn repeat.
Yo, Fire, on repeat.
Yo, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
(31:43):
fire.
I think so.
Yo, anything out there for thehaters, slimothy, anything you
want to say to them before yougo.
Any tracks you're dropping, man, I've got a couple of songs
working on it.
They're not ready just yet, butI just wanted to say people
just keep on going.
You got a dream.
Yeah, if I can make it out ofKentucky, you can make it out of
(32:08):
anywhereucky, you can make itout of anywhere.
Uh and uh, much love to you, toyou, james and uh, yeah, fuck
you.
Thanks, tom, what'd you do?
Nice job, all right.
Well, wow, magical, yeah, truly, um, yeah, bit of a weird one,
hey, uh, I think he pulled itback at the end.
I really did, I think.
When he got his flow going, thebeat was sick.
I think he knocked it out ofpark.
(32:29):
I'd like to see him come againone day and really push his
parts to the next level.
Actually, I would like to seeyou and him in a rap battle
future episode coming you, dylan, you know what?
I don't think I've got my ownaccent down right.
It's true, it's veryinconsistent, never mind his
accent, not that I should beworried about his accent, but,
yeah, knowing the way I speak,fuck, it was like watching five
(32:52):
people talking.
At times it was all kinds ofthings I was like where's the
Texan guy come from?
I don't know.
Drop a download with three wordstory.
We have a thudding questepisode.
And here is the game die, whichI had the whole time.
(33:12):
It did not have to leave for atall.
This one, my dear friend, isfor you.
Please take it.
Take it, it's like one of those.
It's like all right, dear,right, right, right.
So, dylan, let me paint you thepicture.
We're on a quest, so we needsome quest music.
(33:35):
Oh, I always like quest music,my favorite type of music To
fall asleep to.
Oh, right, okay, you're a quickcaveat there, because I had to
stop and I needed to know thatevery time you're in the office
or in the gym, you're just benchpressing like Like One, two,
I'm not going to lie to you At astage.
(33:56):
Yeah, jazz was my favourite inthe gym.
Oh, jazz, wow, don't get mewrong, it's not too motivating,
but who needs motivation whenyou've got some jazz?
Right, dylan, anyway, notTomfoolery.
We're on a quest right now.
Okay, so, dylan, you are anelven squire Got a little pointy
(34:21):
.
Why did you have to make me anelf, like I could be so many
different things.
No, no, I'm not self-consciousabout my height, not at all.
That's why I'm completely finebeing an elf.
What would you like to be?
I would like to be a knight.
Okay, roll your dice.
Roll your dice.
Can I be a knight?
Also, what do I know?
(34:42):
What do I know?
Yeah, I should have confirmed.
I'm sorry, you rolled the diceand you are an elf.
You are an elven squire whosuffers from a deep pain in his
anus.
You are on a deep, burningquest to discover a relief for
(35:08):
this pain that lives deep withinyou, and by within you, I mean
your anus.
Okay, so, dylan, you are anelven squire running the plains
of this mythical world.
You find it difficult to sitdown, sometimes, you know, or
barely running and running, andsometimes it's just it's a bit
(35:29):
too uncomfortable.
So you are going to go on aquest to find this sweet, sweet
relief.
Now, as you go out on thisvoyage and I need you to make
note of this in your mind inyour little tiny, cute rucksack
that you have because you're alittle elven squire you have a
hook and rope, three coins and apocket mirror, and we start our
(35:53):
quest in either the localvillage tavern or the store.
Roll your dice.
Could I confirm, yes, what eachof these like?
Is it north of three?
Is yes, and then Is that what?
The?
Just roll the dice.
You're just going to select astory for me.
(36:15):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
Odds will be one way, evenswill be the other.
Whether you make your way intothe tavern or the store, I'm
(36:36):
just going to guide you whereverI want.
Okay, fine, all right, five,and what's the number Five?
So you make your way into thelocal tavern, right, okay.
So you swing open the door.
Nice job, nice job.
So I.
So you swing open the door.
Nice job, nice job.
So I'm trying to do the music,I'm trying to do the
storytelling.
So I appreciate you doing thevoice out your mouth.
(36:57):
Right.
So you step into the tavern,dylan, you look around and you
see this wily character whocomes to speak to you.
What, duffner, are you to die?
Are you on some kind of questor something?
That's exactly what I'm herefor.
Oh, and a pint, and a pint.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Gaffner, if you're out on aquest, you're probably going to
(37:19):
want to do it quite sober.
I'd suggest one of theseHardikon Zeros Great taste, zero
alcohol.
Oh well, I can notice thatyou've got a little bit of
discomfort down there.
Are you struggling to sit down,mister?
Yes, I am Considering this iswhat I've been given.
(37:42):
I need to.
I am looking for a way.
I am seeking relief because myanus apparently hurts.
That's what we deal with here.
On three word story oh, blimeygovernor, that sounds like an
awful kind of thing you're goingthrough.
Well, I'll tell you what I knowfor nothing that there is a
(38:06):
emulet of Anasol that is guardedby this mythical beast out in a
cave.
Now, let me think as you get ongetting there.
Well, I think you have to go upthrough the enchanted forest,
and then you go up the river ofdeath Doesn't look very good
there, governor?
And then into the cave of noreturn Battle the beast, and
(38:28):
then, I think, you get yourselfan amulet of anusol.
What do you say?
Good on you, all right.
Well, I tell you what, governor,if you're going to go out on
this kind of voyage, you'reprobably going to need yourself
a noble steed, okay, and ifyou've got just three coins in
your pocket, I'll provide youwith a steed.
(38:49):
And I tell you what I'll throwin as well this lovely little
stone I have here.
Apparently, the guy who sold itto me told me it was a stone of
rebirth.
Looks like just a stone to me,but as you're on an Anusol
Explorer, I reckon you could useit more than me.
What do you say?
Roll the dice.
(39:10):
Two, two or less than threemeans it's a deal.
Governor Dylan, you lovelylittle elven, round the back of
the old wily, wherever we are,the tavern, you'll find your
noble steed and the rock.
(39:32):
Just for you, ades et send.
But oh, it sounds fantastic.
So you venture out of thetavern and you meet your new
travel companion, the noblesteed.
Near, do you speak like thatthe whole time?
Near, near, you speak like thatthe whole time, near.
(39:53):
Hi, dylan, I'm your Noble Steed.
My name is Hooves.
How are you today, hooves?
I can't be better, thank you.
Thank you very much for asking.
That is great news.
Well, my friend, the Cockneyguy, has told me that I'm going
(40:13):
to take you on a noble quest foryou to sort out your anus.
Is this correct?
Yes, regrettably, this iscorrect.
Yes, that's great, that's greatnews, wonderful news.
Still in the Elven Squire?
Well, I think we need to headinto the woods over there, but I
(40:37):
don't know if you would rathergo through the River of Death or
the Forest of Enchantment.
First I tell you what.
Why don't you make a decision?
Oh, a five.
I know, oh God, I know wherethat takes us and I don't think
I like it one little bit.
It's going to take us to theForest of Enchantment.
(41:03):
That sounds better.
Right, that's good, I think.
But then you have the tribe'speople.
They give you riddles, riddlesthat if you don't solve they
will send you to the well ofdespair.
You sounded a lot friendlier aminute or two ago.
(41:25):
But sure, let's go.
Let's go Hop aboard, dildyAlpha man.
I'll just lay on my stomachminute or two ago.
But sure, let's go.
Let's go Hop aboard DildyElfman, I'll just lay on my
stomach.
Who goes there?
This is for a guy with an anusproblem.
Ha ha ha.
I wondered why you walked sofunny in my enchanted jungle.
(41:55):
To pass my enchanted forest orjungle depends where, regionally
, you come from you must answerthree riddles.
If you fail with the riddles,you will be slain into the well
(42:16):
in which you will not return.
Oh, that sounds so scary, dylan.
I hope your elven brain cansolve these riddles.
Don't worry, mike, I've got it.
It's hooves, hooves, I'm sorry,hooves.
I know we've just met, so Iforgive you, but it's hooves.
(42:38):
From now on, your first riddle.
Elven man with a sore anus.
I speak without a mouth and hearwithout ears.
I have no body, but I comealive with the wind.
What am I?
(42:59):
Wind chimes, would you like anytime to think?
Well, the fact that you justasked me that question, that was
(43:21):
a very subtle way of telling meI'm here to help you, okay,
okay, hooves, what do you say?
Oh God, I'm not very good atthese, I'm just a horse with
hooves.
Now, you're just a horse.
I speak without a mouth and Ihear without ears, and I have no
(43:42):
body, but I come alive with thewind.
I can imagine it probably hassomething to do with noise
repeating, like if I was theGrinch and I was shouting into a
cave and the cave shouted backat me Echo, oh, that is correct.
(44:06):
Noble traveler, you have oneriddle down, but can you solve
the other two and avoid the?
Well, oh, I'm really scared.
Now.
You measure my life in hoursand I serve you by expiring.
I'm quick when I'm thin andslow when I'm fat.
(44:27):
The wind is my enemy.
Ah, dylan, I don't know whyMulk jumped to mind, but I know
that's not that.
That's not my final answer.
Let me phone a friend.
Okay, no problem Again.
I think he said you measure mylife in hours and I serve you by
(44:50):
expiring.
I'm quick when I'm thin andslow when I'm fat and the wind
is my enemy.
Is it a fly?
No, it is not a fly.
That is an incorrect riddle.
I will give you one more chance, traveler.
(45:11):
It was of course a candle.
I have cities but no houses.
I have mountains but no trees.
I have water but no fish.
What am I?
Oh God, I don't even know whatthis could be.
(45:34):
I don't want to go into thewell Whose?
What did he say?
He said that he has cities butno houses.
I have mountains but no trees,and I have water but no fish.
What is he?
And I have water but no fish,what is he?
(45:55):
Four, dear traveler, you areincorrect.
With four, you will be banishedto the well of no return.
No hooves, you can't.
Let me go into the well ofdespair.
We're going in together becausewe're companions now forever,
(46:19):
dylan.
Oh no, he's put magic on us andnow we're in the well.
Oh, my god, do you haveanything in your rucksack that
could help us?
Yes, I've got a rope and Maybea hook-like device.
Maybe if you throw it, I reckonif you get an even number, you
(46:40):
would be able to get us out thewell.
An even number, an even number.
I thought it was going tocreate a.
You got a four.
We are out of the well.
You are the best elven creaturethat there ever dare be.
We're out of the well and we'reout of the woods, but are we
(47:01):
out of the danger?
No, there's no need toromanticize quite yet.
All right Now, dylan, the Elvishguy with his sore anus.
I know this place.
It's very scary.
It's the river of death and noreturn.
(47:23):
Hooves, can I ask you aquestion?
Yes, yes.
Can I ask you a question?
Yes, if someone were to belistening to us on this quest,
could you not remind them that Ihave a sore anus at every
chance, at every turn you have?
That's all I ask.
(47:44):
Sorry, dylan, I just needpeople to know the consequences
of this failed battle, becauseI'm sure every listener at home
at one time or another have beenaffected by piles or fissures.
It's basically something thatis relatable, even though it's a
mythical story.
Dylan, I know.
(48:06):
These creatures Close your eyes.
You cannot look at them becauseif you look into their eyes,
they turn you to stone.
He goes there on our mysticalriver that is enchanted by death
.
He goes there, seth, marlinBrando, don't open your eyes.
(48:32):
It could be.
Who goes there.
Is that Marlon Brando?
Don't open your eyes, it couldbe.
Who goes there?
It is I, dylan.
Ah, I'm an elf.
I have heard about you.
You got out of the well despitehaving your source of amnesty.
We now have our eyes closed andwe cannot get out of this
(49:02):
situation.
What can we do?
What do you have in your bag?
I still have three gold coins.
I spent my coins.
You used your hook and your Astone.
No, I don't think you could usea stone here.
(49:26):
Hold on, you have something, Ithink, in your bag.
I can't see it because my eyesare closed, because if they look
at me or I look at them, Ican't understand.
Remind me what I have again.
Hooves, I believe it was apocket mirror.
Oh, a pocket mirror.
Hooves, I have a pocket mirror.
What a surprise.
(49:47):
I never saw that coming.
You are quite the adventurer,dylan.
I reckon if you angle yourmirror in the right direction.
You could make them look atthemselves and turn to stone.
I reckon an odd number wouldwork on your dice.
I reckon you might have to rollit again.
You can't see it.
(50:07):
Ah, it's a one.
Oh no, I'm turning to stone.
Wow, dylan, open your eyes.
You have defeated these scaryriver creatures.
Once the music stops, everythingis destroyed.
(50:28):
Now we are quiet, we have movedon.
You are such a mystical person.
How do you feel?
What lessons have you learnedon this incredible journey as we
make our way to the cave ofnoviti?
I thought I was done with theriddles.
I have learned that I'm notpausing for effect.
(50:59):
Yet I, uh, I'm trying to saythat you've learned no lessons.
Catch 22 I can't even rememberthe riddle.
(51:20):
So, yes, no, I don't.
It was an echo, echo, okay, anecho.
So have you also learned thatyou are a strong being who could
tackle and destroy anything?
Yes, oh, that's good newsBecause, dylan, the Elfish man
(51:40):
with the sore anus, you have onemore victory to have and I,
hooves, your noble, steed andbestest friend in the whole wide
world, will be there to protectyou.
Will you always be there for me, dylan the elfish creature?
You know what, hooves?
(52:01):
I thought I was overpaying foryou, but no, you really have
guided me.
So, yes, thank you.
Thank you, dylan.
I think we have found ourselvesinto the cave of no return.
Yo, let me in.
(52:23):
Fuck off, curtis.
Who goes there Into my cave ofno return?
It is I, curtis, who goes thereinto my cave of no return.
It is I, dylan, the guy withthe sore anus.
I know you.
Your legend has spread acrossthis mythical world where I know
(52:44):
, someone like you with the soreanus is beating everyone in his
path.
I've heard about people like youfrom my cousin, the troll,
which I sound very much like.
If you go back to previousepisodes of the musical, you
will know of his story.
Well, dylan, I have somethingfor you An amulet of anusol, I
(53:11):
believe, is what you want, butit is something you will not get
.
You will suffer with a soreanus for the rest of your time.
Oh no, declan.
Oh no, desi Dylan.
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
I'm so scared that I got yourname wrong.
(53:32):
It's fine, it's cool.
Fair enough, dylan.
I see there's a big rock upthere, precariously wedged.
I reckon if you threw yourstone at it it would wedge down
and crush the troll and maybeyou could get your anus or
(53:53):
amulet.
What do you say?
Huzzah, huzzah.
Indeed, dylan, I, hooves, wantyour anus to be well looked
after.
Roll your dice and see.
Oh no, you threw the stone.
It did hit the rock, but therock's not going to hit the
(54:15):
troll.
Don't worry, dylan, I will divein the way.
I will make sure that the trollgets hit by the stone.
Don't worry about me.
Hooves, no Hooves, you'resilent.
Hooves, no Hooves, you'resilent Hooves.
Are you there?
Hooves, no Hooves, I am GhostHooves.
(54:48):
I am Ghost Hooves, I am ghosthooves.
Don't worry about me.
Villain, I'm guessing that rockdown there turned out not to be
a rock of rebirth.
As you can see, my little hoofis poking out from the rock.
Maybe there is a small chance Icould be brought back to life
(55:09):
with an even number.
What shall I?
You just told me Fuck, success,success, I have been reborn.
Who slips off?
Thank you for believing me,dylan.
(55:31):
I live on.
Our story does not end here.
Listen, can I re-roll?
No, I'm here forever now.
Thanks, hoops.
I love you, dylan and HoopsTogether forever.
(55:52):
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, dylan, a noble elvenwarrior.
How does your anus feel now?
I have taken the emisol, anisolAvailable in Edgar's Pharisees.
I have taken the emisolavailable in good pharmacies.
(56:12):
I'm drinking zero, zero percentbeer and apparently also do
product placement for anisolavailable in good pharmacies.
And does your anus feel soothed?
It's so, so relieved I can, Ican sit again.
(56:36):
Oh, nay, nay, with joy, nay,with rejoice.
The Dylan, the Elven Squire,can sit again.
So that was your quest, dylan.
(56:56):
How did you find it?
Was it inspiring?
You know what?
I didn't get a chance to saygoodbye to hooves.
It's okay, I'm still here.
Dylan Hooves, yes, I just wantedto thank you for the trusty
steed you've been over thisjourney.
You, you and I shall ride offinto the sunset together,
(57:19):
painless and with our eyes tothe future.
Yeah, yeah, that was a verynice.
That was good, that was nice.
Wow, I hope you learned lessons.
You were a incredible,incredible warrior.
You really were.
(57:39):
You defeated the, the people inthe forest and their riddles.
Well, actually you didn't.
You got by them by getting outof the, the wells with her.
They're still there and they'repretty pissed.
Hooves was there for you atevery step of the way and, who
knows, this might not be thelast time that we've heard from
hooves and I love how thesecharacters always get mentioned,
being like you know what.
They might just come backbecause you know what I think
(58:01):
they should.
Oh well, coming next time onthree word story.
So we've gone through um,spitting bars, some rap, um, and
we've gone through spittingbars, some rap, and we've gone
through a whole entire quest ofcomplete chance and favour in
which you have soothed your anus, dylan, for next week, where
(58:22):
shall we look in the world andwhy?
You know what?
Let's do something completelydifferent.
(58:43):
Let's actually rework it wherewe type in the words to find the
location, no, no, yeah, okay,right, so you choose.
I, I'm, I'm, yes, anding theshit out of this, yes, and so
usually Everyone at home we finda location and that gives us
three words.
But you can type in threerandom words or three words that
suit you, and it gives you thelocation, yeah, so I'm thinking
that we choose the words.
So, yes, that kind of gives usa leg up on the story, but we
(59:03):
must incorporate the location.
That's fair, that is a greatidea.
So next week, on Three WordStory, that's what we'll do
Double kill and scene and sceneDrop a download with Three Word
Story.
Welcome to Three Word Story.
I'm James, I'm Dylan, and thisis the podcast where we take
three words from the app whatthree words?
And improv the shit out of astory.
Today, on Three Word Story, mymind been ticking since my
goldfish passed, like myunderpants is not sitting right.
(00:22):
Yeah, why did you have to makeme an elf who goes there?
This is a guy with an anusproblem.
Well, hey there, dildo baggins.
(00:43):
How are you today?
Hey buddy, hey man.
Well, it's not usual that I seeyou like this at a 45 degree
angle.
That's a bit awkward, becausethis will be the first episode
that is on YouTube.
So we've got a superprofessional setup, and by super
(01:05):
professional I mean shonky.
Uh, I'll put the, put thepicture in the video of, uh, the
weird kind of bdsm setup thatwe have over behind us.
I'm sure this is how they do itin hollywood, dylan.
I'm sure this is the way.
I think that's how they startedin hollywood.
Let's, let's just talk aboutthat progress, right?
Rome wasn't built in a day,neither was hollywood, so we're
getting famously.
So that is the famous saying.
Rome wasn't built in a day,neither was Hollywood.
So we're getting there Famously.
So that is the famous sayingRome wasn't built in a day and
(01:26):
neither was Hollywood.
Double kill, right, dylan?
Before we get into our threewords.
So, obviously, we find threewords on the app.
What three words?
Based on the location of ourchoice, we find that we get
three words and then we improvthe shit out of the story.
But before dylan, I want to know, as my bestest friend, how are
(01:49):
you and why?
Yeah, man, it's been a good, uh, it's been a good weekend.
Watch, the attempt to watch abit of rugby.
Uh, last night, the bullsplayed against.
And how did that go for you?
Um, by watching the rugby.
Also not that great, because Icouldn't find a streaming
service that was willing to showthe rugby, okay, so, no, watchy
(02:10):
watchy.
No, no, watchy watchy.
Listen, listen, though.
Okay, yes, I listened to somerugby.
However, we lost so far that Ieventually just gave up on
trying to watch the rugby.
So I was like, yeah, I don'tsee them coming back, maybe.
So you just listened to acomplete ass pounding of uh, was
it lenster beating your team,the bulls, the bulls, by many,
many, many points to many, many,many little points.
(02:33):
Yeah, yeah, but it was quitefunny.
Now, just to think of the story.
I was obviously on this youtubechannel and they were live, uh,
commentating on the gamehappening.
So the person's watching thegame.
However, it's literally just abit late world we live in, where
(02:55):
we're watching someone watchsomething that we can't watch or
afford to watch or find towatch or find to watch.
But what amazes me is there'sstill people on a Saturday night
that can watch the rugbybecause there's one like there's
people commenting on thatchannel being like, yeah, the
ref should open his eyes.
I'm like, wait, hold on.
So you have a screen of matchand screen of man watching match
(03:18):
that you are watching you arenow commenting on.
I thought, listenita, just chill, it's like a human centipede of
rugby watching.
So, yeah, either way, um, yes,I did that and um, yeah, it was
a pretty chilled weekend.
Okay, all right, anything funand interesting, fun,
interesting this morning.
(03:39):
No, no, no, I thought twiceabout saying this out loud, but
something didn't sit quite rightwith me.
You know, when I don't know,you know there's something wrong
or something kind of off centerand you can't know why.
Are we talking ghosts andghouls or violent diarrhea?
No, no, no, no Kind of in thesetup of the day.
(04:03):
So, yes, with me, okay, but Ididn't know what it was Like.
I felt uncomfortable in my ownbody and I just didn't know why.
And when I eventually did go tothe to the gents room to
relieve myself, I realized I hadmy underpants the wrong way
around.
I did feel a bit kind ofrestricted.
(04:26):
My ass felt like it had all theroom in the world, and then my
penis was just lodged into mygooch and suddenly into my anus
and I felt I'd just pop it backout again.
So you had managed to put andwe're talking.
Are we talking boxer briefs?
Are we talking like long trunksor are we talking boxer briefs?
Are we talking like long trunksor we're talking why friends?
Yeah, we're talking about Iguess we are still of that age
(04:48):
of briefs, right?
Yeah, so very much.
You start from an early age withwhy fronts, correct, like
you're a young little toddlerand your parents are buying you
like why friends, right.
And then there's some pointthat we then evolve to like
boxer briefs.
And then, as far as Iunderstand, there's a point in
eldliness where these boxer kindof tighter briefs turn into
(05:09):
basically like full undershorts,like they come up to like just
above your knee and baggy ashell, I assume, to allow for the
large sagging testicles of anelderly man.
Are you aware of this evolution?
But now that you say it notthat I am zoned into older men's
(05:32):
genitals, so you're not zoomedinto older men's genitals I do
wonder what you're looking at inthe changing rooms at the gym,
because you seem pretty zoomedin on older men's genitals.
Don't close your mouth and getyour tongue back in your mouth.
Anyway, okay, yeah, so, um,yeah, it was just a little
switch up this morning and forthe listeners and watchers at
(05:53):
home, are your underpants theright way round?
Yes, they are.
Nice job, nice job, nice job,thanks, tom, uh, nice job, nice,
thanks tom.
Uh.
So our producer, tom, he'stelling me in my ear now nice
job, nice job, guys.
But we need to get on with wherewe are going in the world, to
(06:14):
find the location of our threewords, and I believe, dylan, you
were the one that last weeksaid that we needed to venture
off into the big old, wide,scary world out there and find a
mythical creature.
Is that correct?
That is correct, oh, delicious.
Well, dylan, it's your mythicalcreature.
(06:34):
I was really ready for thathigh note to just be like
speaking to dolphins.
Why, what's his back doing it?
Yeah, um, three words.
Mythical creature.
We weren't, we weren't due to dospit takes.
Just okay, that's for later.
(06:55):
Um, okay, right.
So where are we going in theworld?
Where are the three?
That's why, that's why you,okay, that's fair, we are going
back home.
Yeah, yeah, local, oh, here wego.
Local is Laker and for thosewatchers out there who've never
seen us before, where is home toyou and why?
Home to me is South Africa,specifically Centurion, and if
(07:16):
you really listened to the firstepisode, you can track down my
childhood house, please.
Yes, we did do that.
That was really stupid.
Yeah, that was so stupid.
We were like, oh, we're notgoing to give, we're not going
to tell, like, the road names,we're not going to give you the
post code of our location, butwe will give you three exact,
precise words to use.
On what?
Three words?
So you can find our householdand find where our families once
(07:38):
lived and turn it into a shrinefor us and or burn it down,
depending on how you feel aboutus, uh, or do nothing because
you're thoroughly indifferent.
So, human beings, you, dylan,he's gone home.
Uh, I've gone somewhat home,okay, and I've stuck to um, a
mythical creature, a mythicalcreature home to home.
(08:05):
Explain the tokoloshi.
Okay, right, okay, that's notthose little electronic things
that you looked at, that's atamagotchi.
Ah, my bad.
Okay, fair enough, nice, yeah,but that was a fair shout.
Okay, I was just confusedbecause I can imagine a little
Dylan sat home in Centurion witha little tamagotchi crying
while his little creature diedagain Because I didn't feed him
(08:27):
in four days.
But no, that was more so mysister's.
I tried and after the first timeit died, I took it personally
and I'm like well, you don'twant to keep on living.
I stopped with that very soon.
You were like, and so youblamed the right thing and you
moved on.
I cannot take on anotherTamagotchi in my life.
(08:48):
So you just had one and doneyour entire life you had one
Tamagotchi.
What was his name?
I don't know, you didn't evenyou erased it from your brain.
Tamagotchi, did you host afuneral for it outside A little
e-grave and just sat there witha tear strolling down your face?
(09:08):
Honestly, after seeing how howmuch other people were kind of
committed to this little thing,I thought, I thought it was
ludicrous.
I tried it.
Obviously didn't work out.
No, no, because I died aheinous, heinous death.
Yeah, yeah, okay, and um, itjust moved on pretty quickly.
Okay, so please tell me aboutyour mythical beast, mythical
beast, tokoloshi, right, so,different sources say different
things, but how I grew up withit, it's this mythical creature
(09:31):
that disappears if it drinkswater.
But basically, the idea of thismythical creature it spreads
like violence, misfortune, likedeath.
Even so, it's, it's a, it's apretty dark creature, uh, and I
think it's mostly prominent inum, in, like the zulu and kosa
(09:55):
tribes.
Okay, so is this like we'retalking like an ancient mythical
being?
Yeah, like, um, I don't knowwhat kind of age range to put it
as, but yeah, it's like this,the dwarf-like creature that, um
, basically just goes aroundspreading misfortune.
Okay, I think it can besummoned by a sangoma, which is
(10:18):
a, is a south african witchdoctor, basically, okay, um, so,
yeah, basically.
So when you were, when you're upat late at night and you're
fiddling around with yourtamagotchi, would you then
parents, come in and be like, begood, little d-bag, otherwise
the monster tamagotchi will comeand get you and eat your, your
soul.
Um, yeah, so I actually have astory where I went with Lucas,
(10:45):
which he was a Corsa man and Iremember him sleeping Like he
built his bed like out of bricks, like it was a foundation, was
his bed stand and then obviouslya mattress on top and it was
kind of like and people still doit up until today so that the
Tokoloshi can't go underneaththe bed, like the boogeyman it's
(11:07):
to, to keep him.
So just that's where he hides,apparently.
Tokoloshi, tokoloshi, tokoloshi.
So the only way for him topenetrate you, I guess, if
that's what they're worriedabout, he's gonna.
He's gonna penetrate you inyour bed.
He's gonna come underneath yourgoing to penetrate you in your
bed.
He's going to come underneathyour bed to penetrate you, so it
doesn't penetrate you on top ofyour bed or like in through the
(11:28):
side.
I'm not sure what the specificswere.
I didn't.
I didn't necessarily grow,necessarily grow up that scared
of it.
Yes, it's one of those thingswhere it got mentioned quite a
few times and you're like, no,but I mean, you don't want to be
the first one to die.
So, yeah, you always just beaware of all these.
(11:48):
So what was your under bedsituation then?
Uh, yeah, I actually had agreat space for him to hide.
Uh, you were inviting him in.
As soon as you heard aboutpenetration, you were like, okay
, okay, samagotchi, get in mybed, I'm just sat here all by
myself, swoop on in and crush mysoul and spread some mischief.
Okay.
(12:09):
So, yeah, spread some Mischief.
And I figured you know what,let me go when I think there's a
fair bit of Misfortune.
And I figured, yeah, let's Goto Brockbahn.
Okay, what's so Special ornon-special about Brockbahn?
Brockbahn is actually.
And I figured, yeah, let's goto Brakban.
Okay, yeah, what's so specialor non-special about Brakban?
Brakban is actually just a.
(12:31):
I think it's a good community.
I think they've had theirstruggles.
I think they might, actually,I'm probably.
I love the people from Brakban.
That's nice, that's nice.
They're good people.
However, it looks like theypermanently go through hard
times in terms of yeah, becausethis Tamagotchi guy is running
around spreading mischief, right, right.
(12:52):
So, basically, the three wordsthat that gave me was ticking,
toolbar and ample.
Ticket Again, sorry, repeatTicking, ticking, toolbar,
toolbar, repeat Ticking, ticking, toolbar, toolbar and ample and
ample.
So if you put those three wordsinto the website, what three
words?
They will take you specificallyto Black Barn.
(13:13):
And where in Black Barn?
Is it like someone's house orwas it just on the B of Black
Barn on the map.
No, it was my four little bricksor four little squares, and so,
for those at home who may benow terrified that one of these
Tamagotchi guys are going to behanging over their bed, you said
they were like a dwarf.
Yeah, like a man.
What are we talking?
(13:34):
They describe this it's hideousbeing.
I never knew what it would looklike because it's, I mean, you
kind of imagine what it wouldlook like.
But this is actually the firsttime I'm Googling it and, yeah,
it basically looks like what Iuh, what are they called?
Almost like a Gremlin typething.
But this is what I found oh man, that's terrifying, that is and
(13:58):
that could have.
I've seen people like that inin in England, like that in in
in england.
Honestly, in a weather spoonsat 1am in the morning.
I've seen people just like thatit's probably just a tamagotchi
on a downtime or just beforehe's gonna go penetrate
someone's under their bed.
So I can understand where thatwould have come from.
Yeah, what a terrifying thing.
So, yeah, that would keep youup at night, okay, so those are
(14:21):
giving you your three words.
You went home and we found whatis a true legend, an urban
legend, yeah, okay.
Well, for my three words, dylan.
I did not go home, okay,because England we have some
like Victorian ghosts justknocking around a hotel or two,
you know, they'll just shriek inthe night.
Nothing particularly scary,okay.
(14:42):
So I've had to go to the stands, the countries of the stands,
right, all right.
Not much known about them fromour point of view.
So I thought, speak foryourself.
I am an expert in the stands,in the stands, okay.
Well, dylan, I bet you havenever.
Don't call me on it.
Okay, welcome to the quiz.
(15:03):
Turkistan or not?
Well, I went to the countryTurk Menestan, all right, okay,
and I did some digging throughthe archives.
I went to an ancient librarydeep into Turkmenistan so that's
where I've been MIA the pastcouple of days because I've been
on a trip and I went into theirfounding book, it, this large
(15:26):
leather-bound book covered withancient dust, and then I opened
the book to find whereTurkmenistan has got his name.
So the Turkmenistan is actuallya monster Half turkey, half man
, half Stan, so it's one and ahalf beings, dylan, this half
(15:52):
turkey, half man, half Stan, andby Stan I mean someone who's
really fucking into you, likeyou know the Eminem level of
Stan.
You know you're a Stan,someone's a Stan.
You're a super fan, stan Stan.
Oh, okay, stan stan, you get me.
No, yeah, but you've seen,you've seen.
You know the song right, it'ssunny's like hey, slim, I really
like you so much, and then,like he turns nasty, but you
(16:13):
call that a stan.
Oh shit, actually, sorry, therewe go.
Sorry, yeah, nice job, we'velearned something today.
So the country of turkmenistanis named after its heinous, a
most scary, terrifying, mythicalcreature the half-Turkey,
half-man, half-stan.
Now, I bet you're thinkingTurkmenistan big country.
(16:34):
Of course it is.
It's one of the stans.
They're really fucking largeand no one knows what's going on
in them, except for ahalf-Turkey, half-man half-stan.
Where is it located inTurkmenistan?
Well, it is in the mostterrifying, the scariest, most
frightening, shocking names inTurkmenistan.
It is the city of Mary.
(16:58):
Nice job, the ship, terrifying.
So Mary is a city in an oasisin the Karakum Desert in
turkmenistan, located on themergab river, and was founded in
1884 because the previous wasabandoned.
Some say it was ravaged by themongols, dylan.
(17:21):
Others say it was the halfturkey, half half man, half Stan
.
So Is that math, though?
Like half half half?
Yeah, it's a mythical beast,dylan.
It is a half man, half turkey,half Stan.
It's one and a half.
Okay, it is a crazy beast.
(17:43):
Okay, it is one and a halfbeings.
That means it is mythical.
What's what's so interestingabout half turkey, half man?
Well, that's fucking bullshit.
Just gobbling around all thefloor with a little ball bag
hanging down from its neck, Iwant something terrifying half
man, half turkey, but someone,when they like you, gets really
fucking into you, follows you,takes lockets of your hair, you
(18:04):
know, sends creepy gifts to yourhouse.
That is the half turkey, halfman, half stan, turkmenistan
monster beast in the heartlandof mary.
Okay, now I bet you're thinkingno, I know what you're thinking
.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking what threewords could these possibly have
given you, james?
And is your story got anythingto do with the half turkey, half
(18:26):
man, half stan?
Well, I say no, but the threewords that we have today that
relate to this episode arethudding, quest episode.
It's thudding quest episode.
We're going to have a questepisode.
We're going to do a questepisode.
I have a quest for you.
Yeah, if I didn't know, you hadthat.
So, after your story, dylan,because you, you've gone first,
(18:48):
we will be having a thuddingquest episode.
You're going on a quest,there'll be zany characters,
there'll be trials andtribulations and there may or
may not be a happy ending.
You'll have to see.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
Drop it down low.
Three word story.
So, dylan, your three wordswere Ticking, toolbar and ample.
(19:12):
And what is your three wordstory?
And why so I actually?
You know where I find thesecharacters.
I find them wandering about.
Obviously, we I networksomewhat, right?
Yeah, I have noticed younetworking, networking around,
giving cards out to people,talking to people in elevators,
and I always know it's becauseyou're trying to get a
(19:33):
three-word story out and Iappreciate that.
100.
So met this guy, uh, calledcurtis.
Yeah, curtis loves the third.
If you really want to bespecific, okay, right, curt Love
III.
However, he's looking for aplatform to kind of showcase his
rap.
(19:53):
Okay, nice, okay, right.
What better platform than athree-word story?
I actually thought what aterrible idea.
Because he's not as talented ashe thinks he is.
Hey, neither are we.
It's the best place to beTouche.
Yes, exactly, thinks he is.
Hey, neither are we, it's thebest place to be touche.
Yes, exactly.
Three word story, limited ontalented and awful setups of
audio and lighting.
(20:13):
Yeah, so, um, basically, thisparticular person, he gave me a
sample, okay, sample, kind of awhat what skills he's got.
But I figured, um, he's notnecessarily at the best of what
he does, but he is entertaining.
So I invited him on the showand, uh, so he's here.
(20:36):
He's here.
Oh, my goodness, all the wayfrom kentucky.
Oh, an american guest again.
No, no, kentucky in kazakhstan.
Oh, I'm sorry, my bad, it's'snot far from Mary, right, yeah,
so he draws a lot of inspirationfrom Eminem.
Actually, you know what?
I'm not going to do?
Much of the talking, okay, I'llhave him sit here, you can.
(20:58):
You can ask him a couple ofquestions if you want, okay, but
, yeah, good luck with a littleSlimothy Slimothy, hey, slim.
Uh, good luck with uh littleslimothy, slimothy, hey,
slimothy, how you doing yo man?
How you doing hi, sorry,slimothy, right, yeah, yeah,
that's my rap name, slimothy.
(21:19):
That is a fantastic rap name.
Now, um, uh, dylan only gave mea little little bit.
You're a rap artist, right,that, that that'll be.
So, that'll be.
So, okay, right, um, so we havea platform here, a three-word
story, um, spread to tens ofpeople, where we can get your
story, your rap, your songs outthere, but first of all, as with
(21:42):
any music, slimothy, we need abit of backstory.
Who are you and why?
You know, man, life's beentough.
I'll be honest.
I grew up in the hood of WestHollywood in Kentucky.
Okay, in Kazakhstan, yeah, yeah, kentucky, in Kazakhstan.
(22:07):
I'm not sure there's a lot ofstands, but yeah, yeah, so no.
So I kind of just figured Idon't want to be what the rest
of the town is.
So thus I went with Withsomething.
I was leaning a bit more Intomusic After my After some Some
difficulties in my life, okay,and yeah, after, after my
(22:31):
goldfish died, what was yourgoldfish name?
It was Froldfish, thrilled Fish,froldfish, froldfish.
Okay, my goldfish namedFroldfish Froldfish.
Okay, and they passed away.
And is some of that soulrelated to your music?
Yeah, and they passed away.
And it is some of that soulrelated to your music.
(22:53):
Man, if I were a podcast guest,I would think that's a very
funny name for for goldfish.
Come on, that guy must bereally good at it, bro.
Yeah, absolutely, three wordstory.
It's all about improv, for sure.
Yo, yo, yo, I drew someinspiration from that, just
(23:15):
knowing that tough times canpass, and yet if you just dive
deep into your music, well,that's how I just kind of
escaped it.
So, yeah, man, that's that's mystory.
That's my story.
And have you got some sick beatsto lay down today in front of
all?
Yeah, I actually came in justto set the record straight
(23:36):
because, um, some, some peopleuh kind of say that, uh, my
freestyles, I can't keep themgoing like I get in my head a
lot, and they say I just alwaysmake excuses and kind of chicken
out of them.
And I'm just here to to kind ofset the record straight.
So I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna doa rap for y'all, okay, and uh,
(23:56):
do you want me to lay down somesick beats for you right now and
then you can spit some bars?
Yeah, yeah, man, yeah, I'm, I'malways, I'm always ready, I'm
always ready, I'm always ready.
Okay, all right, let's seeRight.
So, slimothy, yo, yo For thethree-word story public For
shizzle bars.
Let's see what you got.
Yo, hey, it's Timothy Slimothy,ready for some beats.
(24:25):
Yo, missed that one.
Let me wait for another one.
My mind been ticking since mygoldfish passed.
I wrote him in the will andsigned it in a crayon past.
(24:46):
Got a watch that don't work, butI still Flex it Sayin' Time's
an illusion.
That's my mental skill.
Yo, yo, yo, stop, stop, stop,whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop.
Well, what happened, timothy?
Come on, I felt like we were ona flow there.
Yo, what happened?
(25:06):
What happened?
I'm actually thirsty.
Oh, okay, that's that's why.
Okay, I just, I just neededEnjoying a delicious Clips
Heineken Zero, enjoying adelicious Heineken Zero.
Yeah, man, so I was not in myflow, I was just parched.
(25:27):
Okay, is your whistle wetted?
Is your whistle wetted?
Is your whistle wetted?
That was better.
Have you got a wet whistle?
Yes, okay, all right, all right, okay, okay.
So Dan told me to use the wordtoolbar because apparently it's
part of his three word story andI just wanted to work it in
there.
Okay, okay.
So you just just that's.
(25:48):
That's, that's the level of theword of three word stories.
You're just going to say theword in between songs and rhyme
it with another word.
Ah, okay, sorry, sorry, Iforgot.
You are a sick rapper.
Yeah, yo, yo, bro, do we needto do?
We want to stack these, thesesick beats up again.
You know what?
Just keep on rolling, keep onrolling and then, yeah, keep on
(26:10):
rolling, baby, yeah yeah, roundtwo.
Life gave me pop-ups.
I closed them with my toolbarbut now it's frozen, like my ex
in her car Tried to right-clickDestiny but my mouse won't
(26:36):
listen.
I downloaded Success but forgotto installation the mission.
Yo yo, stop, stop.
Okay, what happened?
I thought we were man.
I could feel you staring at meand I felt a weird.
I was just intoxicated withyour six, six bars.
(26:58):
You might just be intoxicated,man.
I.
I just want to say it's, it's aweird vibe.
I'm feeling right like, notlike my underpants.
Is you got your underpants in atwist?
Okay, yeah, so no, I kind of,kind of go yeah, don't worry,
I'm better than this.
Keep it wrote.
Okay, all right, we're back in,we're back in, we're back in.
I got god.
(27:20):
No, let me try, I'll leave it.
Got ample trauma, like 10 bagsof flaming Cheetos and cousin
who raps in Morse code atcasinos.
My confidence ample, likeplates at noon, buffet plates at
(27:42):
noon.
But my purse collapsed like abouncy castle at a family
reunion.
Yo yo, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Man, I'm out here freestylingand you just cramping up my
business.
I was just, I was doing a littlebit of producing.
(28:04):
You know, I think of myself asa timberlake timberland.
I think of myself as a timber,a timber lake, timberland,
timberland.
I think of myself as atimberland.
You know, I'm just sat heregoing, I'm just chucking an
explosion or something, and forthat all I ask I'll just there's
a little bit of production.
All I ask is for my name to beon the song, completely like so
it's just james and it'll befeaturing you.
(28:25):
Okay, that's that's my level ofproduction here.
If that's okay with you, I'mjust adding some a little bit of
pepper, a little bit spice onwhat do you think I'm not happy
with the setup.
I think you you trying to clownum dylan.
What do you want to say?
Well, you know what?
Honestly, I think we should.
(28:46):
Uh, okay, all right, we'refucking out, all right.
Okay, but dylan's back in theroom, everyone.
It's just, you guys look sosimilar.
I mean, it's just a genericwhite guy, number three.
You know he's back again.
Uh, that was terrible.
Uh, you didn't enjoy that.
I didn't enjoy that at all.
Why did you invite him in ifyou thought he was so bad?
I mean, I thought it would beentertaining.
That's why I brought him on,hey.
(29:09):
But now I actually just want tospit it.
I want to give him some threemore words.
Okay, right, um, and what so?
Um, listen, slimothy, you goodwith uh good working in uh choke
coward and excuses, oh shit,and where, where are these?
What do you mean, these threewords?
(29:30):
Are they from anywhere or arethey just you're just chucking
three more words at him?
No, I just figured it would befitting, but we can reword that.
Okay, so it's a slam.
Sorry, it was a slam.
I missed that one.
I thought we were talking abouta location.
I'm not slamming anyone, okay.
I'm just plainly giving himwords and see if he can.
(29:51):
He can use it, okay.
Well, slimothy, now's your time.
What have you got?
Can you hit the cowardly?
Yo man, I gotta choke coward.
Excuses, that sounds personalto me.
Drop the beat.
I try to spit fire, but Istarted to choke Like a sandwich
stuck in my throat.
That's no joke.
(30:11):
Yeah, oh, that was goodproducing right there.
Thank you very much.
I'll have my name on the songand it'll be featuring you.
Yeah, well, you know what?
Let's roll in with Coward 3, 2,1, let's drop it.
Oh, yeah, rolling with CowardThree, two, one.
Let's drop it.
Ah, yeah, hey, sorry, we'rejust warming up to the next bit.
(30:34):
Here we go, here we go.
It's building, it's building.
Slimothy, you are going toknock this one out the park.
Slim and Em is what they call me.
I think that's a copyright.
I am no coward, just shine whenthe mic's in my grip Hearts
racing fast like a runaway ship.
Yeah, boom, yeah, man, coward,you see you're dropping there,
(30:56):
and that was all just made up aswell.
Right, it was just off the topof your head.
Boom, slimothy, curtis, slimothy, wow, showed you, showed you,
dylan, showed you.
You know what?
I ain't making excuses.
We'll drop a last one, just tosend Dylan home.
Oh shit, with a tail tuckedbetween his Backwards panties.
Got a list of excuses Longerthan my Rap sheet, Like my
(31:21):
brain's buffering and my flow'sOn repeat.
Yo, Fire, on repeat.
Yo, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,fire, fire, fire, fire, fire,
(31:43):
fire.
I think so.
Yo, anything out there for thehaters, slimothy, anything you
want to say to them before yougo.
Any tracks you're dropping, man, I've got a couple of songs
working on it.
They're not ready just yet, butI just wanted to say people
just keep on going.
You got a dream.
Yeah, if I can make it out ofKentucky, you can make it out of
(32:08):
anywhereucky, you can make itout of anywhere.
Uh and uh, much love to you, toyou, james and uh, yeah, fuck
you.
Thanks, tom, what'd you do?
Nice job, all right.
Well, wow, magical, yeah, truly, um, yeah, bit of a weird one,
hey, uh, I think he pulled itback at the end.
I really did, I think.
When he got his flow going, thebeat was sick.
I think he knocked it out ofpark.
(32:29):
I'd like to see him come againone day and really push his
parts to the next level.
Actually, I would like to seeyou and him in a rap battle
future episode coming you, dylan, you know what?
I don't think I've got my ownaccent down right.
It's true, it's veryinconsistent, never mind his
accent, not that I should beworried about his accent, but,
yeah, knowing the way I speak,fuck, it was like watching five
(32:52):
people talking.
At times it was all kinds ofthings I was like where's the
Texan guy come from?
I don't know.
Drop a download with three wordstory.
We have a thudding questepisode.
And here is the game die, whichI had the whole time.
(33:12):
It did not have to leave for atall.
This one, my dear friend, isfor you.
Please take it.
Take it, it's like one of those.
It's like all right, dear,right, right, right.
So, dylan, let me paint you thepicture.
We're on a quest, so we needsome quest music.
(33:35):
Oh, I always like quest music,my favorite type of music To
fall asleep to.
Oh, right, okay, you're a quickcaveat there, because I had to
stop and I needed to know thatevery time you're in the office
or in the gym, you're just benchpressing like Like One, two,
I'm not going to lie to you At astage.
(33:56):
Yeah, jazz was my favourite inthe gym.
Oh, jazz, wow, don't get mewrong, it's not too motivating,
but who needs motivation whenyou've got some jazz?
Right, dylan, anyway, notTomfoolery.
We're on a quest right now.
Okay, so, dylan, you are anelven squire Got a little pointy
(34:21):
.
Why did you have to make me anelf, like I could be so many
different things.
No, no, I'm not self-consciousabout my height, not at all.
That's why I'm completely finebeing an elf.
What would you like to be?
I would like to be a knight.
Okay, roll your dice.
Roll your dice.
Can I be a knight?
Also, what do I know?
(34:42):
What do I know?
Yeah, I should have confirmed.
I'm sorry, you rolled the diceand you are an elf.
You are an elven squire whosuffers from a deep pain in his
anus.
You are on a deep, burningquest to discover a relief for
(35:08):
this pain that lives deep withinyou, and by within you, I mean
your anus.
Okay, so, dylan, you are anelven squire running the plains
of this mythical world.
You find it difficult to sitdown, sometimes, you know, or
barely running and running, andsometimes it's just it's a bit
(35:29):
too uncomfortable.
So you are going to go on aquest to find this sweet, sweet
relief.
Now, as you go out on thisvoyage and I need you to make
note of this in your mind inyour little tiny, cute rucksack
that you have because you're alittle elven squire you have a
hook and rope, three coins and apocket mirror, and we start our
(35:53):
quest in either the localvillage tavern or the store.
Roll your dice.
Could I confirm, yes, what eachof these like?
Is it north of three?
Is yes, and then Is that what?
The?
Just roll the dice.
You're just going to select astory for me.
(36:15):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
Odds will be one way, evenswill be the other.
Whether you make your way intothe tavern or the store, I'm
(36:36):
just going to guide you whereverI want.
Okay, fine, all right, five,and what's the number Five?
So you make your way into thelocal tavern, right, okay.
So you swing open the door.
Nice job, nice job.
So I.
So you swing open the door.
Nice job, nice job.
So I'm trying to do the music,I'm trying to do the
storytelling.
So I appreciate you doing thevoice out your mouth.
(36:57):
Right.
So you step into the tavern,dylan, you look around and you
see this wily character whocomes to speak to you.
What, duffner, are you to die?
Are you on some kind of questor something?
That's exactly what I'm herefor.
Oh, and a pint, and a pint.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Gaffner, if you're out on aquest, you're probably going to
(37:19):
want to do it quite sober.
I'd suggest one of theseHardikon Zeros Great taste, zero
alcohol.
Oh well, I can notice thatyou've got a little bit of
discomfort down there.
Are you struggling to sit down,mister?
Yes, I am Considering this iswhat I've been given.
(37:42):
I need to.
I am looking for a way.
I am seeking relief because myanus apparently hurts.
That's what we deal with here.
On three word story oh, blimeygovernor, that sounds like an
awful kind of thing you're goingthrough.
Well, I'll tell you what I knowfor nothing that there is a
(38:06):
emulet of Anasol that is guardedby this mythical beast out in a
cave.
Now, let me think as you get ongetting there.
Well, I think you have to go upthrough the enchanted forest,
and then you go up the river ofdeath Doesn't look very good
there, governor?
And then into the cave of noreturn Battle the beast, and
(38:28):
then, I think, you get yourselfan amulet of anusol.
What do you say?
Good on you, all right.
Well, I tell you what, governor,if you're going to go out on
this kind of voyage, you'reprobably going to need yourself
a noble steed, okay, and ifyou've got just three coins in
your pocket, I'll provide youwith a steed.
(38:49):
And I tell you what I'll throwin as well this lovely little
stone I have here.
Apparently, the guy who sold itto me told me it was a stone of
rebirth.
Looks like just a stone to me,but as you're on an Anusol
Explorer, I reckon you could useit more than me.
What do you say?
Roll the dice.
(39:10):
Two, two or less than threemeans it's a deal.
Governor Dylan, you lovelylittle elven, round the back of
the old wily, wherever we are,the tavern, you'll find your
noble steed and the rock.
(39:32):
Just for you, ades et send.
But oh, it sounds fantastic.
So you venture out of thetavern and you meet your new
travel companion, the noblesteed.
Near, do you speak like thatthe whole time?
Near, near, you speak like thatthe whole time, near.
(39:53):
Hi, dylan, I'm your Noble Steed.
My name is Hooves.
How are you today, hooves?
I can't be better, thank you.
Thank you very much for asking.
That is great news.
Well, my friend, the Cockneyguy, has told me that I'm going
(40:13):
to take you on a noble quest foryou to sort out your anus.
Is this correct?
Yes, regrettably, this iscorrect.
Yes, that's great, that's greatnews, wonderful news.
Still in the Elven Squire?
Well, I think we need to headinto the woods over there, but I
(40:37):
don't know if you would rathergo through the River of Death or
the Forest of Enchantment.
First I tell you what.
Why don't you make a decision?
Oh, a five.
I know, oh God, I know wherethat takes us and I don't think
I like it one little bit.
It's going to take us to theForest of Enchantment.
(41:03):
That sounds better.
Right, that's good, I think.
But then you have the tribe'speople.
They give you riddles, riddlesthat if you don't solve they
will send you to the well ofdespair.
You sounded a lot friendlier aminute or two ago.
(41:25):
But sure, let's go.
Let's go Hop aboard, dildyAlpha man.
I'll just lay on my stomachminute or two ago.
But sure, let's go.
Let's go Hop aboard DildyElfman, I'll just lay on my
stomach.
Who goes there?
This is for a guy with an anusproblem.
Ha ha ha.
I wondered why you walked sofunny in my enchanted jungle.
(41:55):
To pass my enchanted forest orjungle depends where, regionally
, you come from you must answerthree riddles.
If you fail with the riddles,you will be slain into the well
(42:16):
in which you will not return.
Oh, that sounds so scary, dylan.
I hope your elven brain cansolve these riddles.
Don't worry, mike, I've got it.
It's hooves, hooves, I'm sorry,hooves.
I know we've just met, so Iforgive you, but it's hooves.
(42:38):
From now on, your first riddle.
Elven man with a sore anus.
I speak without a mouth and hearwithout ears.
I have no body, but I comealive with the wind.
What am I?
(42:59):
Wind chimes, would you like anytime to think?
Well, the fact that you justasked me that question, that was
(43:21):
a very subtle way of telling meI'm here to help you, okay,
okay, hooves, what do you say?
Oh God, I'm not very good atthese, I'm just a horse with
hooves.
Now, you're just a horse.
I speak without a mouth and Ihear without ears, and I have no
(43:42):
body, but I come alive with thewind.
I can imagine it probably hassomething to do with noise
repeating, like if I was theGrinch and I was shouting into a
cave and the cave shouted backat me Echo, oh, that is correct.
(44:06):
Noble traveler, you have oneriddle down, but can you solve
the other two and avoid the?
Well, oh, I'm really scared.
Now.
You measure my life in hoursand I serve you by expiring.
I'm quick when I'm thin andslow when I'm fat.
(44:27):
The wind is my enemy.
Ah, dylan, I don't know whyMulk jumped to mind, but I know
that's not that.
That's not my final answer.
Let me phone a friend.
Okay, no problem Again.
I think he said you measure mylife in hours and I serve you by
(44:50):
expiring.
I'm quick when I'm thin andslow when I'm fat and the wind
is my enemy.
Is it a fly?
No, it is not a fly.
That is an incorrect riddle.
I will give you one more chance, traveler.
(45:11):
It was of course a candle.
I have cities but no houses.
I have mountains but no trees.
I have water but no fish.
What am I?
Oh God, I don't even know whatthis could be.
(45:34):
I don't want to go into thewell Whose?
What did he say?
He said that he has cities butno houses.
I have mountains but no trees,and I have water but no fish.
What is he?
And I have water but no fish,what is he?
(45:55):
Four, dear traveler, you areincorrect.
With four, you will be banishedto the well of no return.
No hooves, you can't.
Let me go into the well ofdespair.
We're going in together becausewe're companions now forever,
(46:19):
dylan.
Oh no, he's put magic on us andnow we're in the well.
Oh, my god, do you haveanything in your rucksack that
could help us?
Yes, I've got a rope and Maybea hook-like device.
Maybe if you throw it, I reckonif you get an even number, you
(46:40):
would be able to get us out thewell.
An even number, an even number.
I thought it was going tocreate a.
You got a four.
We are out of the well.
You are the best elven creaturethat there ever dare be.
We're out of the well and we'reout of the woods, but are we
(47:01):
out of the danger?
No, there's no need toromanticize quite yet.
All right Now, dylan, the Elvishguy with his sore anus.
I know this place.
It's very scary.
It's the river of death and noreturn.
(47:23):
Hooves, can I ask you aquestion?
Yes, yes.
Can I ask you a question?
Yes, if someone were to belistening to us on this quest,
could you not remind them that Ihave a sore anus at every
chance, at every turn you have?
That's all I ask.
(47:44):
Sorry, dylan, I just needpeople to know the consequences
of this failed battle, becauseI'm sure every listener at home
at one time or another have beenaffected by piles or fissures.
It's basically something thatis relatable, even though it's a
mythical story.
Dylan, I know.
(48:06):
These creatures Close your eyes.
You cannot look at them becauseif you look into their eyes,
they turn you to stone.
He goes there on our mysticalriver that is enchanted by death
.
He goes there, seth, marlinBrando, don't open your eyes.
(48:32):
It could be.
Who goes there.
Is that Marlon Brando?
Don't open your eyes, it couldbe.
Who goes there?
It is I, dylan.
Ah, I'm an elf.
I have heard about you.
You got out of the well despitehaving your source of amnesty.
We now have our eyes closed andwe cannot get out of this
(49:02):
situation.
What can we do?
What do you have in your bag?
I still have three gold coins.
I spent my coins.
You used your hook and your Astone.
No, I don't think you could usea stone here.
(49:26):
Hold on, you have something, Ithink, in your bag.
I can't see it because my eyesare closed, because if they look
at me or I look at them, Ican't understand.
Remind me what I have again.
Hooves, I believe it was apocket mirror.
Oh, a pocket mirror.
Hooves, I have a pocket mirror.
What a surprise.
(49:47):
I never saw that coming.
You are quite the adventurer,dylan.
I reckon if you angle yourmirror in the right direction.
You could make them look atthemselves and turn to stone.
I reckon an odd number wouldwork on your dice.
I reckon you might have to rollit again.
You can't see it.
(50:07):
Ah, it's a one.
Oh no, I'm turning to stone.
Wow, dylan, open your eyes.
You have defeated these scaryriver creatures.
Once the music stops, everythingis destroyed.
(50:28):
Now we are quiet, we have movedon.
You are such a mystical person.
How do you feel?
What lessons have you learnedon this incredible journey as we
make our way to the cave ofnoviti?
I thought I was done with theriddles.
I have learned that I'm notpausing for effect.
(50:59):
Yet I, uh, I'm trying to saythat you've learned no lessons.
Catch 22 I can't even rememberthe riddle.
(51:20):
So, yes, no, I don't.
It was an echo, echo, okay, anecho.
So have you also learned thatyou are a strong being who could
tackle and destroy anything?
Yes, oh, that's good newsBecause, dylan, the Elfish man
(51:40):
with the sore anus, you have onemore victory to have and I,
hooves, your noble, steed andbestest friend in the whole wide
world, will be there to protectyou.
Will you always be there for me, dylan the elfish creature?
You know what, hooves?
(52:01):
I thought I was overpaying foryou, but no, you really have
guided me.
So, yes, thank you.
Thank you, dylan.
I think we have found ourselvesinto the cave of no return.
Yo, let me in.
(52:23):
Fuck off, curtis.
Who goes there Into my cave ofno return?
It is I, curtis, who goes thereinto my cave of no return.
It is I, dylan, the guy withthe sore anus.
I know you.
Your legend has spread acrossthis mythical world where I know
(52:44):
, someone like you with the soreanus is beating everyone in his
path.
I've heard about people like youfrom my cousin, the troll,
which I sound very much like.
If you go back to previousepisodes of the musical, you
will know of his story.
Well, dylan, I have somethingfor you An amulet of anusol, I
(53:11):
believe, is what you want, butit is something you will not get
.
You will suffer with a soreanus for the rest of your time.
Oh no, declan.
Oh no, desi Dylan.
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
I'm so scared that I got yourname wrong.
(53:32):
It's fine, it's cool.
Fair enough, dylan.
I see there's a big rock upthere, precariously wedged.
I reckon if you threw yourstone at it it would wedge down
and crush the troll and maybeyou could get your anus or
(53:53):
amulet.
What do you say?
Huzzah, huzzah.
Indeed, dylan, I, hooves, wantyour anus to be well looked
after.
Roll your dice and see.
Oh no, you threw the stone.
It did hit the rock, but therock's not going to hit the
(54:15):
troll.
Don't worry, dylan, I will divein the way.
I will make sure that the trollgets hit by the stone.
Don't worry about me.
Hooves, no Hooves, you'resilent.
Hooves, no Hooves, you'resilent Hooves.
Are you there?
Hooves, no Hooves, I am GhostHooves.
(54:48):
I am Ghost Hooves, I am ghosthooves.
Don't worry about me.
Villain, I'm guessing that rockdown there turned out not to be
a rock of rebirth.
As you can see, my little hoofis poking out from the rock.
Maybe there is a small chance Icould be brought back to life
(55:09):
with an even number.
What shall I?
You just told me Fuck, success,success, I have been reborn.
Who slips off?
Thank you for believing me,dylan.
(55:31):
I live on.
Our story does not end here.
Listen, can I re-roll?
No, I'm here forever now.
Thanks, hoops.
I love you, dylan and HoopsTogether forever.
(55:52):
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, dylan, a noble elvenwarrior.
How does your anus feel now?
I have taken the emisol, anisolAvailable in Edgar's Pharisees.
I have taken the emisolavailable in good pharmacies.
(56:12):
I'm drinking zero, zero percentbeer and apparently also do
product placement for anisolavailable in good pharmacies.
And does your anus feel soothed?
It's so, so relieved I can, Ican sit again.
(56:36):
Oh, nay, nay, with joy, nay,with rejoice.
The Dylan, the Elven Squire,can sit again.
So that was your quest, dylan.
(56:56):
How did you find it?
Was it inspiring?
You know what?
I didn't get a chance to saygoodbye to hooves.
It's okay, I'm still here.
Dylan Hooves, yes, I just wantedto thank you for the trusty
steed you've been over thisjourney.
You, you and I shall ride offinto the sunset together,
(57:19):
painless and with our eyes tothe future.
Yeah, yeah, that was a verynice.
That was good, that was nice.
Wow, I hope you learned lessons.
You were a incredible,incredible warrior.
You really were.
(57:39):
You defeated the, the people inthe forest and their riddles.
Well, actually you didn't.
You got by them by getting outof the, the wells with her.
They're still there and they'repretty pissed.
Hooves was there for you atevery step of the way and, who
knows, this might not be thelast time that we've heard from
hooves and I love how thesecharacters always get mentioned,
being like you know what.
They might just come backbecause you know what I think
(58:01):
they should.
Oh well, coming next time onthree word story.
So we've gone through um,spitting bars, some rap, um, and
we've gone through spittingbars, some rap, and we've gone
through a whole entire quest ofcomplete chance and favour in
which you have soothed your anus, dylan, for next week, where
(58:22):
shall we look in the world andwhy?
You know what?
Let's do something completelydifferent.
(58:43):
Let's actually rework it wherewe type in the words to find the
location, no, no, yeah, okay,right, so you choose.
I, I'm, I'm, yes, anding theshit out of this, yes, and so
usually Everyone at home we finda location and that gives us
three words.
But you can type in threerandom words or three words that
suit you, and it gives you thelocation, yeah, so I'm thinking
that we choose the words.
So, yes, that kind of gives usa leg up on the story, but we
(59:03):
must incorporate the location.
That's fair, that is a greatidea.
So next week, on Three WordStory, that's what we'll do
Double kill and scene and sceneDrop a download with Three Word
Story.
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