August 4, 2025 • 53 mins
Milestone episodes deserve something special, and our 30th dive into the Three Word Story universe delivers with a twist that takes us from childhood commercial audition fails to outrageous fictional bar concepts.
Dylan kicks things off by revealing his short-lived career as a child actor, sharing how despite his impressive crying skills, he never managed to book a commercial while his sister succeeded. This rare glimpse into personal history sets the tone for an episode filled with unexpected revelations and creative storytelling.
The main concept emerges as both hosts interpret their challenge differently – finding three words from locations with interesting names. Dylan creates "Small Talks," a fictional bar where small talk is forbidden and patrons must follow bizarre rules including confession penalties and the mysterious "buffalo rule." Meanwhile, James chooses The Milk Thistle in Bristol, where he held his wedding reception during Pride weekend, creating a serendipitous celebration he recounts with genuine fondness.
The episode's highlight comes in the form of an extended improv battle between James and fictional bar owner "Gary," showcasing rapid-fire character work as James transforms into everything from a German spy to a squirrel on trial for nut theft. This culminates in an original poem about "Silly McDilly" that perfectly captures the show's blend of childish humor and surprising storytelling craftsmanship.
As we close our 30th adventure, we reflect on how far we've come since those early, rougher episodes. Whether you're a longtime listener or just discovering us, this milestone showcases everything that makes Three Word Story a unique comedy experience. Subscribe now and join us for episode 31, where we'll be sharing stories based on our favorite rock concerts!
Thank's for listening, Tune in next week for another episode!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Three Word Story.
I'm James.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I'm Dylan.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
And this is the podcast where we take three
words from the app what threewords?
And improv the shit out of astory.
Today, on Three Word Story,james and Dylan will find three
words based on a publication oftheir choice.
I'll be putting James head tohead with landlord Gary in an
(00:24):
improv showdown.
Oh well, dylan, I'll beperforming a poem for the silly
muck Dilly and his very deformedWillie.
Today on Three Word Story yeah,just right, clap, and then
we'll go for it.
Okay, dilly, oh you fucked it.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
That was a fucking terrible clap.
Hold on Right, dilly.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Oh yeah, just right clap and then we'll go for it.
Okay, dilly, oh you fuckingdilly willie, who can clap so
sillily?
Episode 30 it's been a while.
How are you dilly willie, who'sso silly?
How does your garden grow?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
buddo, buddo, something that rhymes with Buddo
.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Nice.
Top quality, as always inepisode 30.
We've done this 30 times andwe're still fantastic, and I
must say, dylan, you'll clapinto the episode so we can get
the video aligned with the audio, which is something I learned
last time whilst trying to editthe video that I still haven't
finished Was, dylan, and youthen rattled off into an
(01:29):
anecdote before we'd evenstarted fucking recording.
The thing about an advert.
You're a commercial, you're in.
So, dylan, before we get intowhat our three words are, before
we get into episode 30, pleasetell the audience what you were
in an advert for and why?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
okay, so we spoke about you teeing me up, yes, and
it was either for success orfailure, and this actually
turned out to be one for failure, because I was I was not I
didn't get, I didn't book thecommercial that I ended up
auditioning for and I actuallyauditioned for quite a few of
them, but small little thingslike was it dishwashing
(02:10):
detergent or some some somecheap brand kind of commercials.
Needless to say, that issomething that I did whilst, uh,
when I was a bit younger okay,how young are we talking?
uh, probably around 12, 13, 11,12, 13, maybe.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
And you never booked one.
Well.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I think I only did like five auditions or something
, but we've gotten nearly closeto an Omo ad.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
What's an Omo?
An Omo is a dishwashingdetergent, ah right, and how
close did you get?
No, I think it was like acouple of kids left Until they
urgent, ah right, well, howclose did you get?
Um, no, I think it was like acouple of kids left until they
sniffed you and they were likeno, and it just wasn't gonna
work.
Like no kids, just in case, uh,smell-o-vision kicks into gear.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
We can't have you, you know I'm trying to think
what I I think I was supposed to.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
They were like okay, dylan, so these are the props
you just basically going to uh,take part of this part of this
and then you're going to lift itabove your head and together,
or like combined, it would looklike the south african flag and
I'm like what the fuck does thishave to do with with with
detergent?
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I remember thinking okay, and that was one of the
things that I had to do, andthey were like Dylan that was
fantastic.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
What were you picking up?
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Dylan, that was fantastic.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
He's coloured a completely different flag?
Does he even know where he'sfrom?
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Yeah, he's done, afghanistan Stop advertising
Afghanistan Ew.
So okay right.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
So what were you picking up?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Well, in the audition I only had to pick up it was
props.
It was like lids, differentcolor lids that they basically
just said, no, this will bedifferent when we actually do
the actual takes.
But I was like, yeah, okay andyeah, I don't know, I wasn't too
bad at the process.
I think there was another one Ican't remember what it was for,
(04:04):
but I had to cry.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
And um, I apparently did that fantastically well.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
How did?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
you.
So what's your go-to, what'syour method for crying?
Crying, yeah, it just pretendssomebody died.
That's not jovial, that's notfun.
So you went in and you criedand that was still a no.
That was still a no, there wasstill a no were you an ugly?
Crier or a snotty crier.
I think I am, yeah, pretty,pretty ugly crier, and I think
(04:32):
that's why it didn't work forright for commercial they wanted
a good looking child?
yes, definitely so they didn'twant people to be.
They want to be able to feelsorry for you, but not be
repulsed as your face screwed upI think I'm a, I'm a I'm an
oscar crier being like so, soyou know when, like how?
normally, yes, and I'm probablygoing to regret saying this, but
(04:53):
when you see brad pitt cry,right, it doesn't seem that real
.
But when uglier people cry, italmost seems a bit more related,
like, okay, like the heartbreakis is deep.
Okay, right, it's not just likeyou're not thinking about what
you look like on camera.
Your face screws up, ittightens up like you've had the
(05:16):
most sour sweet in the worldwhilst your eyes water, right
yeah, so that was me.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
And then, um, ironically enough, my sister
ended up booking not mycommercial, but one of the
commercials it was one of mysister's.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
So what was your dad trying to do?
Like a Disney, I've got fourkids who are going to just let
them audition for at least acouple of years.
Speaker 4 (05:38):
See where they go oh, we're going to be the Jacobs
four, jacobs four so he wastrying to have a show for his
family.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
One advert, that was it.
You kids have not fucking gotit cut out.
Maybe the Jacobs four, jacobsfour.
Speaker 4 (05:45):
Okay, so he was trying to have a show of his
family and it one advert.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
that was it, he was like yeah, you kids have not
fucking got it cut out.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Dylan, you're an ugly cryer, I do have to say,
considering we all four.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
All four of the kids attempted the auditions um the
money got split between all fourof us from from my parents.
Yeah, okay, so it was basicallyone.
Sister is very pissed.
Her big break, a big advert.
She's got you freakingfreeloaders taking money off
(06:16):
like why do they get?
But yeah, at that particularpoint in time I think she was
six, or like the twins were sixand okay so she's, she's like
looking up what kind of barbieshe's gonna collect, like she's
made the big dollars and thenshe she's got ugly cry.
Speaker 4 (06:31):
Dylan brother at the corner.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Dylan, you can stop crying now money anyway.
Yeah, give me the couple ofgrand and I'll stop crying, okay
, so yeah, so your dad's acommunist and you were forced to
be a child actor.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Cannibal kill.
Drop it down low with threeword story.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So Dylan.
That was a lot of lackingepisodes Longer than expected
Memory lane in episode 30.
Dylan, we've made it to episode30.
I say we've limped, we'vedragged ourselves, that's fair.
We've drawn our way and I thinkwe've made it to to episode 30.
I say we've limped, we'vedragged ourselves, we've drawn
our way and I think we've comefar.
Um, just because to begin withit was so bad, so bad that I
(07:14):
think we've come now tobasically a formula that will
bring us much much success Ijust wanted to say it could
multiply our listeners from 50to 100 easily we could double.
We could double from episode 30onwards.
You've heard it here, ladiesand gentlemen, we're going to be
big time so for episode 30 yes,we decided we were going to
(07:38):
gain our three words from alocation of a pub with an
interesting or whimsical name.
So for those who are justchurning into episode 30 for the
first time, basically we pick alocation and we use the map
service what three words?
And that particular locationgives us three random words
(08:00):
together.
Okay, for those at home so dylan, where is your pub in the world
with an interesting whimsicalname, and why now, being from
south africa?
Yes, we've heard.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I did not go there I decided to keep it within the
uae yeah, I kept it local and Iwas like you know what good
locations.
Where are we going?
Are we going downtown?
Are we?
I don't want anything flashy,but I know something a bit more
practical and a popular spot, soI figured you know what?
(08:38):
Let's just do?
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Kite Beach?
Okay, kite Beach InterestingSalt at Kite Beach, specifically
Salt at Kite.
Beach.
You know the restaurant Saltright Shout out Salt If you guys
ever want to.
Yeah, salt Sponsor, us Sponsorus.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
yeah, Dropping an ad here.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
I'm going to pretend like I know everything about
salt and have eaten there lotsof times.
Salt, delicious salt for yourdiet.
Salt for your Diet.
So okay so tell me what'sinteresting or whimsical about
the name Salt.
Oh no, that was the location.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Oh, okay, based on that location, obviously I have
my words.
Okay, Based on that location,obviously I have my words, but
that's where I would start thepub.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
It's kind of like I don't want to say a
Caribbean-style pub, but that'swhat you get on the beach, right
.
So it's kind of a typical beachvibe pub, but it is called
Small Talks, small Talks.
Yeah, ooh la la, nice job, okay, so Small Talks, right.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Don't ask me anything about it, because I don't want
to answer questions.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Okay, so at small talks, there is no small talk.
Yes, no talking at small talk.
Okay, so you're going to be atKite Beach, which I'm pretty
sure.
There's no alcoholic pubs oranything around there.
I'm pretty sure it's pretty.
So are you breaking the mold?
Speaker 4 (10:04):
are you putting salt on those wounds and you're?
Speaker 1 (10:06):
going to be like no, this is a beery beery pub.
This is a beery beery pub sorry, that's sorry for everyone at
home, that's beer, not beerybeery unless you want, I don't
know.
No, so you don't want curry.
And it's waka berry and thenberry, and okay, so you don't
want curry and no, we'll stickwith the traditional pub.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I'm not going to to lean into the the newer
generation.
I'm going to stick with what Iknow works and what I enjoy, um,
obviously, in moderation peoplebut yeah, we haven't got a
heineken zero this time, we justhave stupid ugly water, okay.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So, uh, you're gonna have talks Now.
Did you put any thought behindthe name or you just kind of put
?
Speaker 2 (10:45):
it in chat.
Yeah, I do, okay, I do, I did.
I did have some thoughts Mehave thought words brought to
you by Dylan.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
So dirty.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
So now I put in some thought, but it is linked to my
story and I'll then kind ofexplain how that links and how I
got to the name Small Talks,and then we'll kind of run you
through the bar idea and whatthis might actually mean.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Okay, nice, we'll find out your three words
shortly.
So, in typical three word storyfashion, we've completely got
the wrong end of the stick.
Words brought to you by JamesRoyal, nice job.
And so you have taken this assomewhere where you would build
(11:34):
a pub.
And what pub you want.
I've done it based on a uniquepub name, so it's an existing
pub.
So, hey look, this is the funand whimsical thing about three
word story, where we don'tcommunicate properly or we get
the wrong end of the stick andyeah, and you know what?
Maybe it makes it moreentertaining, maybe it doesn't.
Maybe there's sticklers at homegoing huh, that wasn't the
thing.
We'll roll back the tape andwe'll find out who was right.
Uh, next time on three wordstory.
(11:55):
So, dylan, for my whimsical name, I went to a little little
known search engine calledGoogle and on Google I searched
interesting names, bar names inEngland, because that's where I
am from.
And lo and behold, number threeon the list was a lovely place
(12:16):
called the Milk Thistle inBristol.
Now I know you're looking at megoing, james.
That sounds really, reallythoroughly uninteresting.
And you're right, milk thistleis a flowering herb related to
the daisy and ragweed family.
It is native to Mediterraneancountries.
How boring is that?
Right, that's a double kill.
Why am I bringing that up?
(12:37):
Well, I tell you what, dylan,and I'll turn the headphones
down for you, because you dolook like your eardrums have
just burst.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
No, no, no, no, you're fine, okay.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Do you need a pants break, a pants change?
Do you need to put them back tofront?
No, thank you, I'm fine, thankyou james, okay for reacting to
every small little expression onmy face.
I will show you that expressionand you will see.
It wasn't it was.
It was double eyes closed.
Yeah, wincing mouth, are youdoing?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
your ugly cries is the famous ugly cry no, what I'm
actually trying to do and notto get you to boil on is I don't
want to snuff and I also don'twant to sneeze, because, yes, I
am a fair bit under the weatherand I'm trying to hide it as
best as possible, but the moreI'm trying to keep it in.
My eyes are also starting totear up and and and and and then
(13:29):
all I have is you fuckingcommenting on every little thing
, so thank you for the peoplelistening at home.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
So maybe it was a maybe when you were doing your
commercials and doing yourlittle.
Maybe you had a cold at thetime and you were just pulling
that face in the line.
John, john, your commercials anddoing your little.
Uh, maybe you had a cold at thetime and you're just pulling
that face in the line.
John, john, I think that kid'sreally unwell.
I think he's having a stroke,double stroke.
So, dylan, going back to themilk thistle now, the milk
thistle was where me and my wifehad our wedding reception after
(13:58):
our wedding.
Wow.
So I thought, shiver my timbers.
Yeah, let's wang this into anepisode.
Now.
The wedding day was amarvellous occasion, right in
the centre of Bristol, and itjust so happened to be, and we
didn't plan this.
I want to make it clear wedidn't plan this.
It was Gay Pride Weekend.
Now, nothing wrong with that.
(14:20):
I mean, look at my shirt, it'spretty fragrant.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
What that meant was.
Is that an indication?
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
You tell me I don't know, On that weekend I saw
plenty of them.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
I was like, hey, they look fashionable.
But me and my wife, me and mywife it was Gay Pride weekend,
and do you know what?
It made an incredible time.
So we were right in the centerof bristol.
There was people everywhere,everyone was super happy,
rainbows everywhere, it was busy, and it just made a wonderful
time.
What was slightly weird, though,was being all the guys hitting
(14:53):
on you no, the weird thing isthey weren't, and I was really
upset the weird thing was dylanis, there's my wife in a wedding
dress and there's me in my suit, and good, running around is is
people just basically in fullbondage gear which, um, you know
, and it wasn't our guests, itwasn't our guests we said, we
said only the light bondage wearfor our guests before the orgy
(15:15):
breaks out, it's black and white.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
It's yeah, yeah, we just want the leather we just
want the black and whateverflesh whatever, yeah, it was an
inclusive wedding on gay prideweekend.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
So it was black and whatever.
Okay, so it was only mildbondage, but there was a lot of
people wearing not a lot at all.
We're talking like nipples cutout of tops.
You know, we're talking fullleather wear, uh, and it just
made for an interesting, aninteresting spectacle, you know.
And uh, it did mean that wewalked through the park in the
center of Bristol and we justhad like a thousand people
(15:45):
applauding us as we walkedthrough.
So, gay pride of Bristol, thankyou very much.
You made a very, very specialday even more special by being
jovial and lovely and full oflove.
So that is why my three wordswill be on the milk thistle in
the centre of Bristol.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Drop it down low with three-word story so dylan, your
three words were a mystery.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
You didn't tell us, you naughty little rap scallions
.
So the audience has been ontenterhooks or they've turned
off because they're alreadyannoyed or pissed off?
We don't.
We don't know for any of thosewho have stayed.
Thank you very much.
What were your three words foryour story and why, even though
we know why and why?
Speaker 2 (16:34):
but did I say that rhyme like?
Did that sound come out englishright?
Speaker 3 (16:41):
but it yeah, yeah, it just sounded like in a south
african accent let's get yourbits out.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
You know that bits but banter and depended okay all
right, butter and depended.
Okay, nice, nice.
And this, as you said, this isgoing to directly link to your
magical bar small talks.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Right, small talks take us there, alright, oh
should I just jump into thestory then?
Speaker 1 (17:07):
no, sorry, this is how much this isn't real, steve.
You, you looked insulted.
You were like, oh okay, well, Ihad a whole lot of batter set
up.
No, dylan, go Dylan, pleasetell me how you got about your
pub and whatever backing youalready had in place, and why oh
, that's my cue.
Oh, yeah, yeah, alright um, I'mbeing serious do I just jump
(17:31):
into my story now?
What do you want to do?
What's your Actually?
Did you want to give a bit ofepilogue pre-log?
There's really not much, okay,no, no.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
One of my answers is always no.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
It's like did you want to have some batter, Did
you want to give some pre wantto give us a pretty?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
long note.
No, okay, right.
Well, we've got some cutting todo For this episode.
Speaker 4 (18:02):
Take it away, dylan.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
But it's banter.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
And depended, depended, depended, okay.
So depended what depended,depended, sorry, okay, depended,
depended gary.
We'll start off with gary, thestory of gary.
Who's gary gary is also and thename of my father, but the
communist yeah, but I should.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
But have you realized we always fall back to greg,
greg, like uh, and gary, as thenames that we use in our stories
?
Speaker 1 (18:43):
yeah, considering we live in such a universal
international city full of manyethnicities, we really revert
back to type greg, gary, garyanyone you'd find on a building
site that's going to be thenames of our characters.
So Gary is an ex-improv comic,I guess what you would call, and
(19:05):
and he wanted to set up a pub.
Well, actually failedimprovised improv comic and he
decided you know what?
I'm going to open a pub.
Okay, go, gary, but then basedoff of bits and banter yeah,
(19:32):
those aren't his two brothers'names.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
It's on his bits or no?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
but he would then use Butts.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Yeah, he would then use his bar as a playground for
him to kind of just create Buttsand improv and kind of bounce
back and forth between theguests.
Ah, okay, so like comedic bitsbits, not like he had a regular
bit okay, again like some kindof thing.
Okay, no, so it's kind ofjumping back and forth or at
(20:02):
least prompting guests beinglike all right, I've got
something for you.
This, this is wow this like hell, go on, go on, dylan, think
faster.
So basically he was all happy.
(20:24):
It was his terrain to playalong and that's how he kind of
felt.
Better about himself is kind ofcreating the bit, prompting
seeing other people not beingable to carry the bit and then
kind of making himself feelsuperior until my friend james
(20:46):
walked in.
Oh shit, now if you guys knowJames, he is a little
competitive and, yes, I do thinkhe's an ideal person to be able
to carry a bit Ooh, so We'llsee Him.
(21:09):
And Gary Okay, come on, garyhad their verbal joust.
Oh God, there we verbal joust.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Oh God, there we go Of bits, okay, and I am not,
gary, so please do not expect meto respond to any of these.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
So welcome to the podcast Dylan's Dad.
All right, so set the scene.
Gary walks in.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
And I'm James.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
James, you already there, myself, you, Ali Vince,
we're all having a ball.
Okay, right, nice, and he walkspast and he kind of set you up
for the first one.
Oh, shit.
Speaker 4 (21:50):
I really did not see this coming.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Not only did I not know I was in a bar, I did not
know that it was a random improvbar.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
It was a random improv bar, okay.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Episode 30, we're finally bringing improv to the
improv show.
Oh shit, so he was like ah,james, yes, you're a German spy
and you need to complete thefollowing words not to get
busted Ja, Today is going to bethe day that I'm und, und, und,
klaust und du right now youstill I don't even know the
(22:23):
words, but so maybe you're gonnabe the one that shaves me, and
after all, Ishave under my balls and the
people around laugh Right,chuckle, chuckle.
I'm just going off, as myunderstanding is all German men
(22:46):
shave their balls all the time.
Just in case.
Speaker 4 (22:50):
I haven't checked.
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Their words not mine.
Yeah, ask them.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
They just got asked, all right.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Just in case.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Next time I see Heinrich, I will ask him, and
he'll point you in the directionof a German person.
Speaker 3 (23:05):
Is Heinrich not?
I don't know, I thought thatwas more.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Okay, fine.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
We'll do Klaus.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
Go speak to my current friend, klaus, over
there.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
All right, klaus, over there.
All right Klaus, yes, all right.
You're a squirrel in courtdefending yourself against nut
theft.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Opening argument Go.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
Well, you see, I thought they were my nuts and it
just turned out that theyweren't my nuts.
It's just, I think nuts alllook the same.
Hey, hey, hey.
There's nothing wrong withsaying nuts all look the same,
okay, they're just.
You know, these particular nutsare the same color.
No, I don't mean anything likethat.
It's not nuts racism.
(23:45):
Oh, I'm gonna jail, aren't I?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
oh shucks and add the fucking shutter close like jail
okay all right, double kill,I'll do it you know, when you
did the boing, I'm like we justgot it rigged I can't.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You said that right you can save that in your head
for my story.
All right, so you found outyour mom, all right.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
So you found out your mom.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
I'm out of shade you found out, your mom is actually
two raccoons in a trench coat.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
Confront her Mom.
I saw your front and yourbottom half.
You're now the trash again.
And when I just saw your tophalf do it the other day I
thought, hey, you know mum'shungry right, and she likes
recycling, I get it.
But when I saw your legs eatingout that trash at the same time
(24:48):
your upper body was eating outthe trash I knew something was
up.
Okay, Now I just assumed the wayyou wore that mask.
I just assumed that you were apart-time burglar, and it turns
out it was a raccoon face afterall this time.
All right, I thought you werethe one who reared me, mothered
(25:10):
me, and it just turns out thiswhole time you wanted me to eat
food, so then I would justgenerate trash and then you
would eat it.
You're top and lower, that'sall I am.
To you, it's just a motherfucking raccoon son.
You did what it was okay.
(25:31):
It was raccoons, right, anyway.
Right, I've scene, scene, allright.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
And the head didn't give it away at all.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
You were like the robber, yeah I grew up in the
basement, um, so I've never seenanyone.
My dad, joseph fritzl, justkept me there, and so I just
never thought that, uh, raccoonparents were an next one.
Pretend you are in a lovetriangle with two bar stools,
(25:58):
and one just saw you sit on theother one.
Okay, all right, okay, um, nowyou can go anywhere with us.
I, I feel like I can goanywhere, but I also feel like I
can go nowhere, as they, theyare.
As they are indeed barstools.
Look, marjorie, the fact isMarjorie's a strong barstool
(26:21):
name You've worn on me.
Okay, marjorie, the way you areconstructed, it makes it feel
like there's just a point pokingright up into my anus.
And for the last time, marjorie, I don't like that.
I don't like that.
I don't like being poked in theanus.
Now, clarissa, over here,clarissa, she's cushiony.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
She's got curves.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
She has curvature.
The way she's buttoned uparound the edges speaks to me.
It's really like she's puttingon a show for me.
She knew her.
Is that another name?
Speaker 2 (26:57):
that you just threw at me, did she?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
knew her.
Is she new?
I can just say you know thestory of the barstools.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
I thought about this.
I was, like you know, I wonderif they ever like shift up the
barstools like there's a popularseat, and then there's a less
popular seat I don't want to sayit's like toy story for bar
scene.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
I don't want to say that.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
It's like Toy Story for ballsters.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I don't want to say it's about being newer, dylan,
it's just one has been used moreand I'm afraid that's a micro
Right at the moment.
Boom.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
Scene I like that scene.
That was great and scene andscene.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Okay, nice, Next one.
You're a cult leader, but Okay.
But okay, are we improving?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
yeah well, uh, last one, and then I've got uh four
quickfire ones.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Okay, right, okay, you're a cult.
What did you?
Speaker 2 (27:40):
just think, I know, I just thought you were like okay
, now back to normal okay,change your occult.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Yeah, you're a cult leader.
And it was like yes and yeah,yeah, and what's the info?
I wear it, I wear a hat whilstdoing it.
You're a cult leader.
But no, I don't want to say noone, but like three people
showed up to your initiation day.
Okay, try and keep morale highright well.
(28:08):
Margaret Clarissa, I knew youwere going to be here.
I'm glad we patched things up,margaret, after your pump job,
you're looking much, much better.
Uh, now, dylan, please stopcrying like that.
You look okay, it looks itlooks horrible.
Okay, it's gonna be fine, lookit.
I expected this.
It's the first day of my lovelyuh cult I mean party and at the
(28:32):
end of the day, yeah, you willall get food once you've uh,
once you've, once you've cleanedup a little bit.
Okay, first of all, um, marissa, margaret, margaret mcclisher,
mcclisher now everyone, everyone.
In my cult I mean sorry, in myparty everyone's name is now um
margaret from now on.
So margaret one, margaret two,margaret three.
(28:54):
Margaret one is the one that'shad the cushion job.
No, no, you're margaret two.
Uh, you're gonna come with meout back and why not margaret
one?
Hello, because I don't want totake you out back and sit on you
margaret three okay so be quiet.
margaret three, otherwise youknow you're gonna go down to
margaret four, and we don't evenhave a fourth Margaret yet, so
you can make a.
What did that have?
You will, okay.
(29:15):
So, margaret one, I'm going togo take a out back and sit on
that barstool.
Uh, margaret two, I've got myeye on you.
Margaret four get them up onthe floor, motherfucker, and
stop crying.
Speaker 4 (29:23):
Okay, so much.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
All right vibe so wet ?
That is an excellent question,margaret, for why is my vibe so
wet?
The thing is, when you're asslippery as me and you're
dodging through improvs left,right and center, you've got to
(29:47):
be moist, baby, you've got to bewet.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
So my vibe is as wet as it can be you know that's
amazing that you actually usethat, like there's so many times
in my life where I've thought,man, that would have been funny
to do that thing, and then youlost the audition and then the
(30:10):
people at the funeral kind oflooked at me they're like yeah,
yeah, didn yeah for the lasttime.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Stop it, she had a wet vibe, right, sorry, yeah,
yeah, okay, that wasn't the safeword.
I'm sorry, okay, and maybe yourcushion job has now been
compressed too much.
Okay, and maybe one leg hasfallen off.
Um, uh, joanna, I'll stick tobarstools from now on sorry to
(30:40):
any Joanna's out there.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Why is it that time of the month again?
Speaker 1 (30:44):
uh, yes, unfortunately, I have extremely
bad piles.
They just burst intermittentlyat the end of every single month
and blood piles down my crack,unfortunately, right.
So with that masterclass ofyourself, james, thank you Right
, gary realized you know what.
(31:04):
He's been outclassed and peoplewere now laughing at him and he
kind of realized.
You know what the issue it's notsupposed to be his own personal
playground.
But he decided to then go for arebrand.
He said okay, and to change thebar name to Small Talks.
(31:28):
Okay, right.
So no small talks, only bigtalks, and the bar rules goes
Number one, no greetings Right,kind of start mid-combo, and
it's only meaningful combo, notmeaningful combos.
But it's not weather chat, okay.
(31:49):
So we're going.
No, how's not weather chat?
Okay, so we're we're okay, sowe're going.
No, how's the weather, are youokay?
Speaker 2 (31:53):
hi, how are you?
It's, it's, it's none of that,it's gets.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
My anus is bleeding and straight in right, straight
in and considering it's bleedingyeah we then go okay
that's it.
Yeah, uh, you can't drink withyour right hand, okay, right, so
really in favor of left-handers.
Then, yes, have you heard ofthe buffalo rule?
(32:21):
Sorry, I'm going down a tangent.
No, tell me about the buffalorule.
Well, it's a thing back homewhere people aren't allowed to
drink with their dominant hand,if not they, and if they are
caught taking a sip with anon-dominant hand, they would
have to down the drink.
And are people wearing stickers, or is there?
Speaker 4 (32:40):
flags to determine who's dominant hand you can kind
of call bullshit is that partof the?
Speaker 1 (32:46):
buffalo rule is there a bull involved as well?
So there's not quite, but youcan say buffalo, and then you
are then forced to to drink it,yeah okay, and what?
If the person's fat, do youcall them something different?
Or do you call everyone abuffalo, because it'd be weird
if you didn't call them abuffalo if they were fat.
If they were fat, yeah you justwon't call them yeah, but
margaret yeah, yeah, you've beenweighing, on.
(33:08):
That's another bar still gone,so right, okay, so no left-hand
drinking or no dominant hand.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Drinking no dominant.
That's normally how it works.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
But to make it kind, of a bit more consistent,
because then it's left andright-handed.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
I guess there needs to be maybe a stick of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
So I'd say no right-handed drinking, okay, and
just be in favour of theleft-handed, because they're
freaks anyway, so we might aswell, give them something.
I mean they struggle withscissors and spoons.
Yeah, they have specialcoloured scissors from like age
five.
Way to go make them feel stupid, not even just put an.
L and an R on it being like nope, yours are red, yours are
(33:46):
yellow and green.
You idiots, you absolutemongrels.
Something wrong happened atbirth, so we need to make these
scissors so different from theother ones, because you're so
stupid that you need thesescissors.
And welcome to grade two.
Grade two, basically.
So if they do catch youdrinking with your right hand,
(34:09):
it is a confession penalty.
Now there's actually a bar backhome that does incorporate this
rule, like it's fairly recent.
And the waiters call Buffalo andyou have to down your drink.
Wow, they are on hand duty aswell as serving everything.
And then you have to do what?
(34:29):
And then you have to down yourdrink.
But my case it's a confessionpenalty oh, wow, okay, yeah if,
if somebody catches you drinkingwith your right hand,
confession I killed my wife.
Speaker 4 (34:41):
No, actually I hate that.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Can we cut that one?
I actually love my wife.
I got married to her.
I was playing another character.
It's what I was doing, sure,yeah, good.
Don't look in the cupboard onthe way out, if you could.
Okay.
No one word replies equalskaraoke punishment.
Okay, and then.
If you do talk about theweather, it is that person's bar
(35:05):
tab.
He pays the bill.
Wow, and then.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
So if it's like, you.
Speaker 1 (35:09):
You know, my dog died in a hurricane.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
You'd be like ah, tabs on you idiot buffalo yes
okay, safe word.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
There's a safe word, considering it's not supposed to
be just small talks and a bitdeeper talks.
Some people might take it thewrong way, but pretzels would be
the safe word if somebody doesdecide to go too deep with a
combo, too deep with, oh withthe combo with a combo.
Speaker 4 (35:34):
I like it, but combo that guy's bleeding out of his
anus.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
He just left in the in yeah, yeah, yeah, and that
guy's wife died, so you knowit's gone way too deep can I
just say I couldn't get to theword ambulance when I was when I
was kind of going with it and I, you know, I wanted to say
hospital on wheels and that wasthe thing that popped up Into my
head first.
Speaker 4 (35:59):
I was like what do you call that?
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Man, it's a hospital on wheels, one of those mobile
hospitals.
Wow, double kill, incrediblestuff.
Your English is on episode 30.
It's really really fantastic,bound with glory and joy.
Yeah, okay, all right.
Well, with that being said, um,yeah, that's kind of.
That's kind of the bar smalltalks, uh.
Speaker 4 (36:21):
I'd like to see more of that.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
I'd like to see more bars with rules I'd like to see.
I'd like to see a bit more ofthat.
You know where you kind of goin from seven o'clock, like
maybe set times between sevenand 11.
It's an experience thing, yeah,yeah, yeah, like, and I want
the waiters to be, I wantenormous waiters where you
really feel pressured, that youlike you can't just go no, no,
I'm not going to do karaoke Likethere's really scary people,
(36:43):
like men and women.
So, and don't feel protectedagainst not being punched by a
man that buff ass woman willpunch him as well and that buff
ass woman will also punch a manin the face because that's
allowed and then yeah, and thenyou'd be like, okay, sex, sex,
and I want to see that you'dthink it wouldn't work, but this
, this particular, it's acomedian that opened up a
(37:06):
restaurant chain or a pub chainback home, and I think there's
probably about 15, maybe 20 Ispeak under correction but 15 of
20 of these restaurants andthey are quite successful.
Number one, uh, is don't be ado us, which basically means
like don't be an arsehole, don'tbe a do us.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
And then two is then the buffalo rule and then it's
like I've got a couple of names.
Speaker 4 (37:29):
What's the name of the?
Speaker 1 (37:30):
bars Henny's.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Henny's, if you're listening to Henny's.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Please sponsor us.
We'll do shows and tours inHenny's.
Do they all speak Afrikaans?
Am I?
Speaker 3 (37:38):
fucked Will I get beaten up.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You might just.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
It's a very Afrikaans bar, but the person who started
this bar is actually a comedian, like an Afrikaans comedian
okay, and he kind of justpivoted and opened up this bar
and it's doing pretty well in avery Afrikaans influenced bar
chain.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
If you do want an English speaking podcast, where
half of it doesn't speak anyAfrikaans at all and probably is
the most likely person you'dwant to punch in the face, then
I think we should go for it.
It's worth three drinks and aflight.
You know, pay for the flightand the three drinks, we'll sort
out the accommodation.
Drop it down low with threewords.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
Drop it down low with three word story.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
So, dylan, little wazzers, trousers.
Now I'm glad that you went into some thorough depth with your
pub, because my story today isgoing to be brief.
Are you sure it truly is astory.
And the reason for this storyor should I say poem story is
the three words that I got fromthe milk thistle in bristol and,
(38:41):
I'll be honest, it's actuallytwo squares down from the milk
thistle, so you know know,outraged they gave me using
poems offer.
Okay, so my offer to you is touse a poem as my story.
So that's it, and that's as faras I'm going with the words.
(39:02):
Other than it will be a poem.
Okay now, before I went on myholiday, I was a bit stuck with
this one because I know I wantedto use poems.
He wrote me a poem oh well,we'll get there, we'll get there
, we'll get there.
And you stuck with this onebecause I know I wanted to use
poems.
He wrote me a poem We'll getthere, we'll get there, we'll
get there and you'll like thisone, you'll like this one.
And so before we get there, Ilooked into different types of
poems.
So I went on ChatGBT and waslike tell me about all different
(39:22):
kinds of poems and I wanted tomake you some very loving poems
and even different types ofpoems like haikus.
And that decided to be acomplete horrible chore and I
didn't want to do it anymore.
So I went on holiday insteadand whilst on holiday, I went to
my in-laws house, very lovelyhouse in France, and there was
(39:42):
other family there who hadlittle kids, and there was these
kids books lying around, okay,and one of the books was a book
called Sl slinky malinky.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Have you ever heard of slinky malinky?
It was my favorite book.
No, just joking.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't.
I really didn't expect you to.
I really said you have aportfolio I'm sorry I was like.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
I love it when it comes full circle no no, that's
what I normally do.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
So Slinky Malinky, no , but what?
Speaker 2 (40:14):
are you going to?
Speaker 1 (40:17):
I have the first paragraph of Slinky Malinky
because I think it's a copyrightissue to do anymore.
But the first paragraph is thisto give you a flavor of how it
goes right, slinky Malinky wasblacker than black Stinky.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Slinky Malinky.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
I don't think we can say this next to Slinky Malinky,
just in case the author comesfor us, understood, she might
come after us and be like don'tyou still care about Slinky
Malinky?
That's fair.
So Slinky Malinky was blackerthan black, a stalking and
lurking, adventurous cat.
He had bright yellow eyes, awarbling wail and a kink at the
(40:53):
end of his very long tail oh, no, yeah, the kink of his end at a
wedding that he attended towearing full bondage.
So that is basically, is thatit's about a cat called slinky
binky slinking around beingmalinky, and it's from a book
series called, or uh, harrymcclary's donaldson dairy.
Right, so we're talking rhymes,we're talking winter calls, so
(41:13):
was there any?
Speaker 2 (41:14):
I can see you doing this yeah, this is so.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
This is the vibe we're going for.
Is there any any child's booksoff the top of your head that
you can think that, man, I lovedreading.
No, in all honesty, I didn'tread that is the least
surprising thing I have everheard.
Speaker 2 (41:29):
No, children's books was really not a thing for me.
There was maybe some Afrikaansbooks that I attempted whilst
younger.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Okay, so what is it Give the listeners at home who
aren't?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
from that network.
There was like, so there was.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
Bibi Kala in Flöy, I think was like the series when I
was younger that you could thenkind of read, but it didn't
always have a title.
It was just always these threecharacters going on different
adventures bb, flower color andfloy, which even in africa
answered like those aren'tregular names, just that you, we
(42:08):
had uh biff, uh biff chip
Speaker 4 (42:09):
and kipper.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Maybe they said like those aren't regular names, just
that you we had Biff, chip andKipper, maybe they're like those
.
It's probably something wemight have just stolen, kind of
the ideas from you.
Speaker 4 (42:18):
Maybe we've stolen it .
Speaker 1 (42:18):
We're like these names are silly, let's call them
.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Let's call them Biff, let's call them Biff instead of
and Chip, biff, chip andSkipper.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Yeah or Kipper.
It was a Skipper, I don't know,it was two people and a dog.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
That was all I remember Any Roald Dahl Any?
Speaker 2 (42:34):
Doctor Seuss.
Speaker 1 (42:35):
No, I didn't read the books, I watched the movies.
Now, that says everything.
I'm sorry.
They were like Dylan, we're notreading to you, you can't get a
fucking job.
So go watch this movie instead.
Uh, yeah, there was unrolledthat one.
Like I said, um, if there werebooks involved which weren't
many, especially my younger daysthey were definitely not in
(42:57):
english.
So, um, yeah, the children'sbooks man really going back into
the archives to try and coversomething up or like to get to
something, but no there wasmaybe like some spy books, Ooh,
(43:18):
children Okay, this is kind oflater ish almost teen books but
I thought you meant like youwere a teenager reading
childhood.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Shut the fuck up.
The Hardy Boys was was kind ofsomething that I that I kind of
got into, I think.
Three, three, four books, okay,so your Hardy.
Speaker 4 (43:34):
Boys do you ever watch?
Speaker 1 (43:35):
listen to fucking read.
Gee whiz, I did read some youwouldn't think so, would you a
series of unfortunate events?
Of course you watch the movie,right?
No, also not.
Alright, let's pause thepodcast.
We'll go watch the movie.
Oh, and we're back.
No, I'm joking, you shouldwatch that.
You should watch that.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Okay, great enough, patter okay, did, did, we, did,
we kind of complete the quotaachieve.
Speaker 1 (44:02):
Thank you, luckily, your bath story went long enough
and now we?
I think we can go into this andwe can call it a good 50
minutes of bullshit.
Uh, right, okay.
So, dylan, yes, you are right,I have made you a poem slash
story.
It's beautiful and it is basedon oh, you can pick what are
true events and what are nottrue.
(44:22):
But can I also then just saydon't he's using this as a
scapegoat?
He actually wrote me a poem andnow he's using the story or the
podcast as a cover-up to nowreveal this poem to me.
Speaker 4 (44:39):
And you know what?
Dylan.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
I'm going to go on that story because it will make
this so much more enjoyable forme.
Yes, I indeed made this poembased on true events for myself,
and based on strictly trueevents.
Okay, so right, I'm going toput some little background music
Strap in.
Speaker 4 (44:56):
I want to shut it.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
Why does your face look pained?
Speaker 4 (45:00):
Why are you?
Speaker 1 (45:00):
squeezing your face up like you're going to cry
again Closing my this is my poemstory music background.
Does it feel like you're in a?
Do you feel like you're a kid?
Again, sat down, like ah, itkind of makes me feel like I'm
in a fish tank, okay, like, yeah, I don't know why this is, it's
like Nemo music.
Okay, so you're a little Right.
Imagine you're a little fishwobbling around and I am the
(45:22):
storyteller to tell you thestory of Silly McDilly.
Oh, okay, cool, this is aboutyou, my friend.
Now I can't remember where itwas that one's doing.
Nice, that was Okay.
Okay, I think we need those two.
This is going to be difficult,okay.
So, please say a welcome to MrSilly McDilly, who, I'm afraid,
(45:48):
is cursed with an irregularwilly.
Is it too short, or is it toolong?
Or maybe it has an odorous pong.
On a fair day, on one sunnymorn, dilly woke up with an
unusual horn.
Did it bend left or did it bendright?
(46:11):
Well, dilly knew his pantswould be tight, so he took his
briefs and said out loud I'llknow what I'll do, I'll turn
them around.
He slipped them off on to getready to rock the crotch to his
butt and the butt to his cock.
Speaker 4 (46:35):
With the extra room for his morning wood.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
He waddled to the door as fast as he could.
He grabbed for the handle andgave it a turn, but the door
didn't open.
Oh, dilly didn't learn, for hislock was broken, and instead of
asking for help, he instead gotbusy aggressively touching
himself.
For the extra green room hadmade it easier.
(47:03):
But all of a sudden the smellgot cheesier, for little
mcdilly's pants were one weekold and the butt of willie's
smell began to mold.
What was he to do?
He was now stuck with a stankypenis that would make you go
yuck.
(47:24):
And yet there was a miracle, ashe heard a voice.
It was his neighbor, who Dillythought was quite noise.
Now Dilly had a choice of nowwhat to do.
Does he ask for help when hisWillie smells like poo?
(47:44):
The neighbor speaks out oh, whatis this awful smell?
It reads like you're living inUpper East Side of Hell.
Mcdilly speaks out I swear itwasn't me.
Maybe something died.
I'll prove it, you'll see.
But the dear lock before me hasnow fully broken.
So the fate before me is thatI'll be choking.
(48:08):
Oh, don't you despair, littleMacDilly, I'll bust you out in a
little jiffy.
Now, little MacDilly, he fearedthe worst.
She will finally found out.
His willy is cursed.
But before he can respond therewas a crash and a bang.
(48:29):
She kicked in the door so nolonger it would hang there.
The two stood whilst they lockedeyes.
Nothing was said except thebuzz of some flies.
She looked at his crotch andlet out a grunt as the back of
his pants were worn on his front.
(48:50):
But Dilly then moaned.
I swear I can explain.
Since I've woken up my willyhas been in pain.
Then the neighbor smiled andgave Dilly a shh and told him
she liked the back to front tush.
And then she added that sheloved a dilly and though he
(49:13):
might be smelly, she couldaccept him for being silly and
could work out around the oddwilly.
Macdilly jumped up leaping likea trout.
I love you, fair maiden.
He let out a shout.
The two then took hands as ifit were fate.
Even with a stinky willy youcan meet your soul mate.
(49:36):
How lovely was that.
He's doing the screwy up faceagain.
Yeah, and I don't even have toact.
Now.
That was, that was beautifuldid you like that?
do you like, based on trueevents as well okay, we didn't.
(49:58):
We don't have to go that far,but please, tell me, for those
of you who have not listened toother episodes, basically every
single point in there has comeup one way or another in other
episodes, and nearly all, Ithink, most of them, most of
them yes, um, and others that Iwill deny my doors are locked.
Speaker 4 (50:18):
My doors are broken so I wrote that today.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
I wrote that today in in a cafe, literally laughing
out loud at myself.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
I want to say like I could kind of picture or just
imagine you being like you know.
Speaker 1 (50:41):
I'm going to do a poem.
I'm going to write a poem aboutDali Silly, dali Silly McDali.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
And you know what, all these things that that,
according to you, are true.
Um, it's, it's a pretty goodpoem.
It was a pretty good creative.
Speaker 1 (51:00):
Uh, the words silly mcdilly, yes and willie were
basically.
After I read slinky malinky, Iwas like right, I want to do
something like this.
And immediately silly mcdillyand will Willie came into my
head and I made a voice note.
I was like I'm going toremember this and today I just
wrote it one after the other,laughing out loud.
You can ask Ali Just there,chalkling at myself of is it too
(51:24):
short or is it too long?
Or maybe it has an odorous palm.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
Listen.
By the way I heard, we don'thave to account or recall
anything from this did it leftor did it bend right?
Speaker 1 (51:36):
well, did he knew his pants would be tight?
Well, there is my ode to you,and I'm glad you built it up
before, as if to be like.
James wrote me a poem what apoor well, actually jokes on you
because it was completelycorrect and factual, factual,
yeah.
So, dylan, now we've gotepisode 30 in the books, in the
(51:56):
annuals, written in the scrolls.
What are we going to do forepisode 31?
And why?
Now we've had this conversationbriefly off the mic, briefly,
yeah, I think we've had thisconversation briefly off the mic
.
Speaker 2 (52:11):
Briefly.
I think we've already said it,but I can't remember what it is.
It was something about a rockshow.
No, maybe not.
I think I just made that uphold on, hold on.
Speaker 1 (52:25):
Okay, best rock show you've ever been to.
Speaker 4 (52:27):
Best rock show you've ever been to Best rock show
you've ever been to Sure, let'sstick with that In your mind.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
it was just a show of good.
And here is a sedimentary rockabout.
It was the best rock show I'veever been to.
Okay so episode 31, where ourfavourite rock concert ever was
and why and we'll make athree-word motherfucking story
based on that Boom, dun-dun-dun,dun-dun and why and we'll make
a three word motherfucking storybased on that.
Speaker 3 (52:51):
Boom dun dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun.
Drop a download three wordstory.
Welcome to Three Word Story.
I'm James.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I'm Dylan.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
And this is the podcast where we take three
words from the app what threewords?
And improv the shit out of astory.
Today, on Three Word Story,james and Dylan will find three
words based on a publication oftheir choice.
I'll be putting James head tohead with landlord Gary in an
(00:24):
improv showdown.
Oh well, dylan, I'll beperforming a poem for the silly
muck Dilly and his very deformedWillie.
Today on Three Word Story yeah,just right, clap, and then
we'll go for it.
Okay, dilly, oh you fucked it.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
That was a fucking terrible clap.
Hold on Right, dilly.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Oh yeah, just right clap and then we'll go for it.
Okay, dilly, oh you fuckingdilly willie, who can clap so
sillily?
Episode 30 it's been a while.
How are you dilly willie, who'sso silly?
How does your garden grow?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
buddo, buddo, something that rhymes with Buddo
.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Nice.
Top quality, as always inepisode 30.
We've done this 30 times andwe're still fantastic, and I
must say, dylan, you'll clapinto the episode so we can get
the video aligned with the audio, which is something I learned
last time whilst trying to editthe video that I still haven't
finished Was, dylan, and youthen rattled off into an
(01:29):
anecdote before we'd evenstarted fucking recording.
The thing about an advert.
You're a commercial, you're in.
So, dylan, before we get intowhat our three words are, before
we get into episode 30, pleasetell the audience what you were
in an advert for and why?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
okay, so we spoke about you teeing me up, yes, and
it was either for success orfailure, and this actually
turned out to be one for failure, because I was I was not I
didn't get, I didn't book thecommercial that I ended up
auditioning for and I actuallyauditioned for quite a few of
them, but small little thingslike was it dishwashing
(02:10):
detergent or some some somecheap brand kind of commercials.
Needless to say, that issomething that I did whilst, uh,
when I was a bit younger okay,how young are we talking?
uh, probably around 12, 13, 11,12, 13, maybe.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
And you never booked one.
Well.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I think I only did like five auditions or something
, but we've gotten nearly closeto an Omo ad.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
What's an Omo?
An Omo is a dishwashingdetergent, ah right, and how
close did you get?
No, I think it was like acouple of kids left Until they
urgent, ah right, well, howclose did you get?
Um, no, I think it was like acouple of kids left until they
sniffed you and they were likeno, and it just wasn't gonna
work.
Like no kids, just in case, uh,smell-o-vision kicks into gear.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
We can't have you, you know I'm trying to think
what I I think I was supposed to.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
They were like okay, dylan, so these are the props
you just basically going to uh,take part of this part of this
and then you're going to lift itabove your head and together,
or like combined, it would looklike the south african flag and
I'm like what the fuck does thishave to do with with with
detergent?
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I remember thinking okay, and that was one of the
things that I had to do, andthey were like Dylan that was
fantastic.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
What were you picking up?
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Dylan, that was fantastic.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
He's coloured a completely different flag?
Does he even know where he'sfrom?
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Yeah, he's done, afghanistan Stop advertising
Afghanistan Ew.
So okay right.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
So what were you picking up?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Well, in the audition I only had to pick up it was
props.
It was like lids, differentcolor lids that they basically
just said, no, this will bedifferent when we actually do
the actual takes.
But I was like, yeah, okay andyeah, I don't know, I wasn't too
bad at the process.
I think there was another one Ican't remember what it was for,
(04:04):
but I had to cry.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
And um, I apparently did that fantastically well.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
How did?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
you.
So what's your go-to, what'syour method for crying?
Crying, yeah, it just pretendssomebody died.
That's not jovial, that's notfun.
So you went in and you criedand that was still a no.
That was still a no, there wasstill a no were you an ugly?
Crier or a snotty crier.
I think I am, yeah, pretty,pretty ugly crier, and I think
(04:32):
that's why it didn't work forright for commercial they wanted
a good looking child?
yes, definitely so they didn'twant people to be.
They want to be able to feelsorry for you, but not be
repulsed as your face screwed upI think I'm a, I'm a I'm an
oscar crier being like so, soyou know when, like how?
normally, yes, and I'm probablygoing to regret saying this, but
(04:53):
when you see brad pitt cry,right, it doesn't seem that real
.
But when uglier people cry, italmost seems a bit more related,
like, okay, like the heartbreakis is deep.
Okay, right, it's not just likeyou're not thinking about what
you look like on camera.
Your face screws up, ittightens up like you've had the
(05:16):
most sour sweet in the worldwhilst your eyes water, right
yeah, so that was me.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
And then, um, ironically enough, my sister
ended up booking not mycommercial, but one of the
commercials it was one of mysister's.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
So what was your dad trying to do?
Like a Disney, I've got fourkids who are going to just let
them audition for at least acouple of years.
Speaker 4 (05:38):
See where they go oh, we're going to be the Jacobs
four, jacobs four so he wastrying to have a show for his
family.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
One advert, that was it.
You kids have not fucking gotit cut out.
Maybe the Jacobs four, jacobsfour.
Speaker 4 (05:45):
Okay, so he was trying to have a show of his
family and it one advert.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
that was it, he was like yeah, you kids have not
fucking got it cut out.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Dylan, you're an ugly cryer, I do have to say,
considering we all four.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
All four of the kids attempted the auditions um the
money got split between all fourof us from from my parents.
Yeah, okay, so it was basicallyone.
Sister is very pissed.
Her big break, a big advert.
She's got you freakingfreeloaders taking money off
(06:16):
like why do they get?
But yeah, at that particularpoint in time I think she was
six, or like the twins were sixand okay so she's, she's like
looking up what kind of barbieshe's gonna collect, like she's
made the big dollars and thenshe she's got ugly cry.
Speaker 4 (06:31):
Dylan brother at the corner.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Dylan, you can stop crying now money anyway.
Yeah, give me the couple ofgrand and I'll stop crying, okay
, so yeah, so your dad's acommunist and you were forced to
be a child actor.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Cannibal kill.
Drop it down low with threeword story.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
So Dylan.
That was a lot of lackingepisodes Longer than expected
Memory lane in episode 30.
Dylan, we've made it to episode30.
I say we've limped, we'vedragged ourselves, that's fair.
We've drawn our way and I thinkwe've made it to to episode 30.
I say we've limped, we'vedragged ourselves, we've drawn
our way and I think we've comefar.
Um, just because to begin withit was so bad, so bad that I
(07:14):
think we've come now tobasically a formula that will
bring us much much success Ijust wanted to say it could
multiply our listeners from 50to 100 easily we could double.
We could double from episode 30onwards.
You've heard it here, ladiesand gentlemen, we're going to be
big time so for episode 30 yes,we decided we were going to
(07:38):
gain our three words from alocation of a pub with an
interesting or whimsical name.
So for those who are justchurning into episode 30 for the
first time, basically we pick alocation and we use the map
service what three words?
And that particular locationgives us three random words
(08:00):
together.
Okay, for those at home so dylan, where is your pub in the world
with an interesting whimsicalname, and why now, being from
south africa?
Yes, we've heard.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I did not go there I decided to keep it within the
uae yeah, I kept it local and Iwas like you know what good
locations.
Where are we going?
Are we going downtown?
Are we?
I don't want anything flashy,but I know something a bit more
practical and a popular spot, soI figured you know what?
(08:38):
Let's just do?
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Kite Beach?
Okay, kite Beach InterestingSalt at Kite Beach, specifically
Salt at Kite.
Beach.
You know the restaurant Saltright Shout out Salt If you guys
ever want to.
Yeah, salt Sponsor, us Sponsorus.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
yeah, Dropping an ad here.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
I'm going to pretend like I know everything about
salt and have eaten there lotsof times.
Salt, delicious salt for yourdiet.
Salt for your Diet.
So okay so tell me what'sinteresting or whimsical about
the name Salt.
Oh no, that was the location.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Oh, okay, based on that location, obviously I have
my words.
Okay, Based on that location,obviously I have my words, but
that's where I would start thepub.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
It's kind of like I don't want to say a
Caribbean-style pub, but that'swhat you get on the beach, right
.
So it's kind of a typical beachvibe pub, but it is called
Small Talks, small Talks.
Yeah, ooh la la, nice job, okay, so Small Talks, right.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Don't ask me anything about it, because I don't want
to answer questions.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Okay, so at small talks, there is no small talk.
Yes, no talking at small talk.
Okay, so you're going to be atKite Beach, which I'm pretty
sure.
There's no alcoholic pubs oranything around there.
I'm pretty sure it's pretty.
So are you breaking the mold?
Speaker 4 (10:04):
are you putting salt on those wounds and you're?
Speaker 1 (10:06):
going to be like no, this is a beery beery pub.
This is a beery beery pub sorry, that's sorry for everyone at
home, that's beer, not beerybeery unless you want, I don't
know.
No, so you don't want curry.
And it's waka berry and thenberry, and okay, so you don't
want curry and no, we'll stickwith the traditional pub.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I'm not going to to lean into the the newer
generation.
I'm going to stick with what Iknow works and what I enjoy, um,
obviously, in moderation peoplebut yeah, we haven't got a
heineken zero this time, we justhave stupid ugly water, okay.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So, uh, you're gonna have talks Now.
Did you put any thought behindthe name or you just kind of put
?
Speaker 2 (10:45):
it in chat.
Yeah, I do, okay, I do, I did.
I did have some thoughts Mehave thought words brought to
you by Dylan.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
So dirty.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
So now I put in some thought, but it is linked to my
story and I'll then kind ofexplain how that links and how I
got to the name Small Talks,and then we'll kind of run you
through the bar idea and whatthis might actually mean.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Okay, nice, we'll find out your three words
shortly.
So, in typical three word storyfashion, we've completely got
the wrong end of the stick.
Words brought to you by JamesRoyal, nice job.
And so you have taken this assomewhere where you would build
(11:34):
a pub.
And what pub you want.
I've done it based on a uniquepub name, so it's an existing
pub.
So, hey look, this is the funand whimsical thing about three
word story, where we don'tcommunicate properly or we get
the wrong end of the stick andyeah, and you know what?
Maybe it makes it moreentertaining, maybe it doesn't.
Maybe there's sticklers at homegoing huh, that wasn't the
thing.
We'll roll back the tape andwe'll find out who was right.
Uh, next time on three wordstory.
(11:55):
So, dylan, for my whimsical name, I went to a little little
known search engine calledGoogle and on Google I searched
interesting names, bar names inEngland, because that's where I
am from.
And lo and behold, number threeon the list was a lovely place
(12:16):
called the Milk Thistle inBristol.
Now I know you're looking at megoing, james.
That sounds really, reallythoroughly uninteresting.
And you're right, milk thistleis a flowering herb related to
the daisy and ragweed family.
It is native to Mediterraneancountries.
How boring is that?
Right, that's a double kill.
Why am I bringing that up?
(12:37):
Well, I tell you what, dylan,and I'll turn the headphones
down for you, because you dolook like your eardrums have
just burst.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
No, no, no, no, you're fine, okay.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Do you need a pants break, a pants change?
Do you need to put them back tofront?
No, thank you, I'm fine, thankyou james, okay for reacting to
every small little expression onmy face.
I will show you that expressionand you will see.
It wasn't it was.
It was double eyes closed.
Yeah, wincing mouth, are youdoing?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
your ugly cries is the famous ugly cry no, what I'm
actually trying to do and notto get you to boil on is I don't
want to snuff and I also don'twant to sneeze, because, yes, I
am a fair bit under the weatherand I'm trying to hide it as
best as possible, but the moreI'm trying to keep it in.
My eyes are also starting totear up and and and and and then
(13:29):
all I have is you fuckingcommenting on every little thing
, so thank you for the peoplelistening at home.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
So maybe it was a maybe when you were doing your
commercials and doing yourlittle.
Maybe you had a cold at thetime and you were just pulling
that face in the line.
John, john, your commercials anddoing your little.
Uh, maybe you had a cold at thetime and you're just pulling
that face in the line.
John, john, I think that kid'sreally unwell.
I think he's having a stroke,double stroke.
So, dylan, going back to themilk thistle now, the milk
thistle was where me and my wifehad our wedding reception after
(13:58):
our wedding.
Wow.
So I thought, shiver my timbers.
Yeah, let's wang this into anepisode.
Now.
The wedding day was amarvellous occasion, right in
the centre of Bristol, and itjust so happened to be, and we
didn't plan this.
I want to make it clear wedidn't plan this.
It was Gay Pride Weekend.
Now, nothing wrong with that.
(14:20):
I mean, look at my shirt, it'spretty fragrant.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
What that meant was.
Is that an indication?
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
You tell me I don't know, On that weekend I saw
plenty of them.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
I was like, hey, they look fashionable.
But me and my wife, me and mywife it was Gay Pride weekend,
and do you know what?
It made an incredible time.
So we were right in the centerof bristol.
There was people everywhere,everyone was super happy,
rainbows everywhere, it was busy, and it just made a wonderful
time.
What was slightly weird, though,was being all the guys hitting
(14:53):
on you no, the weird thing isthey weren't, and I was really
upset the weird thing was dylanis, there's my wife in a wedding
dress and there's me in my suit, and good, running around is is
people just basically in fullbondage gear which, um, you know
, and it wasn't our guests, itwasn't our guests we said, we
said only the light bondage wearfor our guests before the orgy
(15:15):
breaks out, it's black and white.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
It's yeah, yeah, we just want the leather we just
want the black and whateverflesh whatever, yeah, it was an
inclusive wedding on gay prideweekend.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
So it was black and whatever.
Okay, so it was only mildbondage, but there was a lot of
people wearing not a lot at all.
We're talking like nipples cutout of tops.
You know, we're talking fullleather wear, uh, and it just
made for an interesting, aninteresting spectacle, you know.
And uh, it did mean that wewalked through the park in the
center of Bristol and we justhad like a thousand people
(15:45):
applauding us as we walkedthrough.
So, gay pride of Bristol, thankyou very much.
You made a very, very specialday even more special by being
jovial and lovely and full oflove.
So that is why my three wordswill be on the milk thistle in
the centre of Bristol.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Drop it down low with three-word story so dylan, your
three words were a mystery.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
You didn't tell us, you naughty little rap scallions
.
So the audience has been ontenterhooks or they've turned
off because they're alreadyannoyed or pissed off?
We don't.
We don't know for any of thosewho have stayed.
Thank you very much.
What were your three words foryour story and why, even though
we know why and why?
Speaker 2 (16:34):
but did I say that rhyme like?
Did that sound come out englishright?
Speaker 3 (16:41):
but it yeah, yeah, it just sounded like in a south
african accent let's get yourbits out.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
You know that bits but banter and depended okay all
right, butter and depended.
Okay, nice, nice.
And this, as you said, this isgoing to directly link to your
magical bar small talks.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Right, small talks take us there, alright, oh
should I just jump into thestory then?
Speaker 1 (17:07):
no, sorry, this is how much this isn't real, steve.
You, you looked insulted.
You were like, oh okay, well, Ihad a whole lot of batter set
up.
No, dylan, go Dylan, pleasetell me how you got about your
pub and whatever backing youalready had in place, and why oh
, that's my cue.
Oh, yeah, yeah, alright um, I'mbeing serious do I just jump
(17:31):
into my story now?
What do you want to do?
What's your Actually?
Did you want to give a bit ofepilogue pre-log?
There's really not much, okay,no, no.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
One of my answers is always no.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
It's like did you want to have some batter, Did
you want to give some pre wantto give us a pretty?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
long note.
No, okay, right.
Well, we've got some cutting todo For this episode.
Speaker 4 (18:02):
Take it away, dylan.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
But it's banter.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
And depended, depended, depended, okay.
So depended what depended,depended, sorry, okay, depended,
depended gary.
We'll start off with gary, thestory of gary.
Who's gary gary is also and thename of my father, but the
communist yeah, but I should.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
But have you realized we always fall back to greg,
greg, like uh, and gary, as thenames that we use in our stories
?
Speaker 1 (18:43):
yeah, considering we live in such a universal
international city full of manyethnicities, we really revert
back to type greg, gary, garyanyone you'd find on a building
site that's going to be thenames of our characters.
So Gary is an ex-improv comic,I guess what you would call, and
(19:05):
and he wanted to set up a pub.
Well, actually failedimprovised improv comic and he
decided you know what?
I'm going to open a pub.
Okay, go, gary, but then basedoff of bits and banter yeah,
(19:32):
those aren't his two brothers'names.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
It's on his bits or no?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
but he would then use Butts.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Yeah, he would then use his bar as a playground for
him to kind of just create Buttsand improv and kind of bounce
back and forth between theguests.
Ah, okay, so like comedic bitsbits, not like he had a regular
bit okay, again like some kindof thing.
Okay, no, so it's kind ofjumping back and forth or at
(20:02):
least prompting guests beinglike all right, I've got
something for you.
This, this is wow this like hell, go on, go on, dylan, think
faster.
So basically he was all happy.
(20:24):
It was his terrain to playalong and that's how he kind of
felt.
Better about himself is kind ofcreating the bit, prompting
seeing other people not beingable to carry the bit and then
kind of making himself feelsuperior until my friend james
(20:46):
walked in.
Oh shit, now if you guys knowJames, he is a little
competitive and, yes, I do thinkhe's an ideal person to be able
to carry a bit Ooh, so We'llsee Him.
(21:09):
And Gary Okay, come on, garyhad their verbal joust.
Oh God, there we verbal joust.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Oh God, there we go Of bits, okay, and I am not,
gary, so please do not expect meto respond to any of these.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
So welcome to the podcast Dylan's Dad.
All right, so set the scene.
Gary walks in.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
And I'm James.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
James, you already there, myself, you, Ali Vince,
we're all having a ball.
Okay, right, nice, and he walkspast and he kind of set you up
for the first one.
Oh, shit.
Speaker 4 (21:50):
I really did not see this coming.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Not only did I not know I was in a bar, I did not
know that it was a random improvbar.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
It was a random improv bar, okay.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Episode 30, we're finally bringing improv to the
improv show.
Oh shit, so he was like ah,james, yes, you're a German spy
and you need to complete thefollowing words not to get
busted Ja, Today is going to bethe day that I'm und, und, und,
klaust und du right now youstill I don't even know the
(22:23):
words, but so maybe you're gonnabe the one that shaves me, and
after all, Ishave under my balls and the
people around laugh Right,chuckle, chuckle.
I'm just going off, as myunderstanding is all German men
(22:46):
shave their balls all the time.
Just in case.
Speaker 4 (22:50):
I haven't checked.
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Their words not mine.
Yeah, ask them.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
They just got asked, all right.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Just in case.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Next time I see Heinrich, I will ask him, and
he'll point you in the directionof a German person.
Speaker 3 (23:05):
Is Heinrich not?
I don't know, I thought thatwas more.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Okay, fine.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
We'll do Klaus.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
Go speak to my current friend, klaus, over
there.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
All right, klaus, over there.
All right Klaus, yes, all right.
You're a squirrel in courtdefending yourself against nut
theft.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Opening argument Go.
Speaker 4 (23:25):
Well, you see, I thought they were my nuts and it
just turned out that theyweren't my nuts.
It's just, I think nuts alllook the same.
Hey, hey, hey.
There's nothing wrong withsaying nuts all look the same,
okay, they're just.
You know, these particular nutsare the same color.
No, I don't mean anything likethat.
It's not nuts racism.
(23:45):
Oh, I'm gonna jail, aren't I?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
oh shucks and add the fucking shutter close like jail
okay all right, double kill,I'll do it you know, when you
did the boing, I'm like we justgot it rigged I can't.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You said that right you can save that in your head
for my story.
All right, so you found outyour mom, all right.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
So you found out your mom.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
I'm out of shade you found out, your mom is actually
two raccoons in a trench coat.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
Confront her Mom.
I saw your front and yourbottom half.
You're now the trash again.
And when I just saw your tophalf do it the other day I
thought, hey, you know mum'shungry right, and she likes
recycling, I get it.
But when I saw your legs eatingout that trash at the same time
(24:48):
your upper body was eating outthe trash I knew something was
up.
Okay, Now I just assumed the wayyou wore that mask.
I just assumed that you were apart-time burglar, and it turns
out it was a raccoon face afterall this time.
All right, I thought you werethe one who reared me, mothered
(25:10):
me, and it just turns out thiswhole time you wanted me to eat
food, so then I would justgenerate trash and then you
would eat it.
You're top and lower, that'sall I am.
To you, it's just a motherfucking raccoon son.
You did what it was okay.
(25:31):
It was raccoons, right, anyway.
Right, I've scene, scene, allright.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
And the head didn't give it away at all.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
You were like the robber, yeah I grew up in the
basement, um, so I've never seenanyone.
My dad, joseph fritzl, justkept me there, and so I just
never thought that, uh, raccoonparents were an next one.
Pretend you are in a lovetriangle with two bar stools,
(25:58):
and one just saw you sit on theother one.
Okay, all right, okay, um, nowyou can go anywhere with us.
I, I feel like I can goanywhere, but I also feel like I
can go nowhere, as they, theyare.
As they are indeed barstools.
Look, marjorie, the fact isMarjorie's a strong barstool
(26:21):
name You've worn on me.
Okay, marjorie, the way you areconstructed, it makes it feel
like there's just a point pokingright up into my anus.
And for the last time, marjorie, I don't like that.
I don't like that.
I don't like being poked in theanus.
Now, clarissa, over here,clarissa, she's cushiony.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
She's got curves.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
She has curvature.
The way she's buttoned uparound the edges speaks to me.
It's really like she's puttingon a show for me.
She knew her.
Is that another name?
Speaker 2 (26:57):
that you just threw at me, did she?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
knew her.
Is she new?
I can just say you know thestory of the barstools.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
I thought about this.
I was, like you know, I wonderif they ever like shift up the
barstools like there's a popularseat, and then there's a less
popular seat I don't want to sayit's like toy story for bar
scene.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
I don't want to say that.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
It's like Toy Story for ballsters.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I don't want to say it's about being newer, dylan,
it's just one has been used moreand I'm afraid that's a micro
Right at the moment.
Boom.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
Scene I like that scene.
That was great and scene andscene.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Okay, nice, Next one.
You're a cult leader, but Okay.
But okay, are we improving?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
yeah well, uh, last one, and then I've got uh four
quickfire ones.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Okay, right, okay, you're a cult.
What did you?
Speaker 2 (27:40):
just think, I know, I just thought you were like okay
, now back to normal okay,change your occult.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Yeah, you're a cult leader.
And it was like yes and yeah,yeah, and what's the info?
I wear it, I wear a hat whilstdoing it.
You're a cult leader.
But no, I don't want to say noone, but like three people
showed up to your initiation day.
Okay, try and keep morale highright well.
(28:08):
Margaret Clarissa, I knew youwere going to be here.
I'm glad we patched things up,margaret, after your pump job,
you're looking much, much better.
Uh, now, dylan, please stopcrying like that.
You look okay, it looks itlooks horrible.
Okay, it's gonna be fine, lookit.
I expected this.
It's the first day of my lovelyuh cult I mean party and at the
(28:32):
end of the day, yeah, you willall get food once you've uh,
once you've, once you've cleanedup a little bit.
Okay, first of all, um, marissa, margaret, margaret mcclisher,
mcclisher now everyone, everyone.
In my cult I mean sorry, in myparty everyone's name is now um
margaret from now on.
So margaret one, margaret two,margaret three.
(28:54):
Margaret one is the one that'shad the cushion job.
No, no, you're margaret two.
Uh, you're gonna come with meout back and why not margaret
one?
Hello, because I don't want totake you out back and sit on you
margaret three okay so be quiet.
margaret three, otherwise youknow you're gonna go down to
margaret four, and we don't evenhave a fourth Margaret yet, so
you can make a.
What did that have?
You will, okay.
(29:15):
So, margaret one, I'm going togo take a out back and sit on
that barstool.
Uh, margaret two, I've got myeye on you.
Margaret four get them up onthe floor, motherfucker, and
stop crying.
Speaker 4 (29:23):
Okay, so much.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
All right vibe so wet ?
That is an excellent question,margaret, for why is my vibe so
wet?
The thing is, when you're asslippery as me and you're
dodging through improvs left,right and center, you've got to
(29:47):
be moist, baby, you've got to bewet.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
So my vibe is as wet as it can be you know that's
amazing that you actually usethat, like there's so many times
in my life where I've thought,man, that would have been funny
to do that thing, and then youlost the audition and then the
(30:10):
people at the funeral kind oflooked at me they're like yeah,
yeah, didn yeah for the lasttime.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Stop it, she had a wet vibe, right, sorry, yeah,
yeah, okay, that wasn't the safeword.
I'm sorry, okay, and maybe yourcushion job has now been
compressed too much.
Okay, and maybe one leg hasfallen off.
Um, uh, joanna, I'll stick tobarstools from now on sorry to
(30:40):
any Joanna's out there.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Why is it that time of the month again?
Speaker 1 (30:44):
uh, yes, unfortunately, I have extremely
bad piles.
They just burst intermittentlyat the end of every single month
and blood piles down my crack,unfortunately, right.
So with that masterclass ofyourself, james, thank you Right
, gary realized you know what.
(31:04):
He's been outclassed and peoplewere now laughing at him and he
kind of realized.
You know what the issue it's notsupposed to be his own personal
playground.
But he decided to then go for arebrand.
He said okay, and to change thebar name to Small Talks.
(31:28):
Okay, right.
So no small talks, only bigtalks, and the bar rules goes
Number one, no greetings Right,kind of start mid-combo, and
it's only meaningful combo, notmeaningful combos.
But it's not weather chat, okay.
(31:49):
So we're going.
No, how's not weather chat?
Okay, so we're we're okay, sowe're going.
No, how's the weather, are youokay?
Speaker 2 (31:53):
hi, how are you?
It's, it's, it's none of that,it's gets.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
My anus is bleeding and straight in right, straight
in and considering it's bleedingyeah we then go okay
that's it.
Yeah, uh, you can't drink withyour right hand, okay, right, so
really in favor of left-handers.
Then, yes, have you heard ofthe buffalo rule?
(32:21):
Sorry, I'm going down a tangent.
No, tell me about the buffalorule.
Well, it's a thing back homewhere people aren't allowed to
drink with their dominant hand,if not they, and if they are
caught taking a sip with anon-dominant hand, they would
have to down the drink.
And are people wearing stickers, or is there?
Speaker 4 (32:40):
flags to determine who's dominant hand you can kind
of call bullshit is that partof the?
Speaker 1 (32:46):
buffalo rule is there a bull involved as well?
So there's not quite, but youcan say buffalo, and then you
are then forced to to drink it,yeah okay, and what?
If the person's fat, do youcall them something different?
Or do you call everyone abuffalo, because it'd be weird
if you didn't call them abuffalo if they were fat.
If they were fat, yeah you justwon't call them yeah, but
margaret yeah, yeah, you've beenweighing, on.
(33:08):
That's another bar still gone,so right, okay, so no left-hand
drinking or no dominant hand.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Drinking no dominant.
That's normally how it works.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
But to make it kind, of a bit more consistent,
because then it's left andright-handed.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
I guess there needs to be maybe a stick of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
So I'd say no right-handed drinking, okay, and
just be in favour of theleft-handed, because they're
freaks anyway, so we might aswell, give them something.
I mean they struggle withscissors and spoons.
Yeah, they have specialcoloured scissors from like age
five.
Way to go make them feel stupid, not even just put an.
L and an R on it being like nope, yours are red, yours are
(33:46):
yellow and green.
You idiots, you absolutemongrels.
Something wrong happened atbirth, so we need to make these
scissors so different from theother ones, because you're so
stupid that you need thesescissors.
And welcome to grade two.
Grade two, basically.
So if they do catch youdrinking with your right hand,
(34:09):
it is a confession penalty.
Now there's actually a bar backhome that does incorporate this
rule, like it's fairly recent.
And the waiters call Buffalo andyou have to down your drink.
Wow, they are on hand duty aswell as serving everything.
And then you have to do what?
(34:29):
And then you have to down yourdrink.
But my case it's a confessionpenalty oh, wow, okay, yeah if,
if somebody catches you drinkingwith your right hand,
confession I killed my wife.
Speaker 4 (34:41):
No, actually I hate that.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Can we cut that one?
I actually love my wife.
I got married to her.
I was playing another character.
It's what I was doing, sure,yeah, good.
Don't look in the cupboard onthe way out, if you could.
Okay.
No one word replies equalskaraoke punishment.
Okay, and then.
If you do talk about theweather, it is that person's bar
(35:05):
tab.
He pays the bill.
Wow, and then.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
So if it's like, you.
Speaker 1 (35:09):
You know, my dog died in a hurricane.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
You'd be like ah, tabs on you idiot buffalo yes
okay, safe word.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
There's a safe word, considering it's not supposed to
be just small talks and a bitdeeper talks.
Some people might take it thewrong way, but pretzels would be
the safe word if somebody doesdecide to go too deep with a
combo, too deep with, oh withthe combo with a combo.
Speaker 4 (35:34):
I like it, but combo that guy's bleeding out of his
anus.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
He just left in the in yeah, yeah, yeah, and that
guy's wife died, so you knowit's gone way too deep can I
just say I couldn't get to theword ambulance when I was when I
was kind of going with it and I, you know, I wanted to say
hospital on wheels and that wasthe thing that popped up Into my
head first.
Speaker 4 (35:59):
I was like what do you call that?
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Man, it's a hospital on wheels, one of those mobile
hospitals.
Wow, double kill, incrediblestuff.
Your English is on episode 30.
It's really really fantastic,bound with glory and joy.
Yeah, okay, all right.
Well, with that being said, um,yeah, that's kind of.
That's kind of the bar smalltalks, uh.
Speaker 4 (36:21):
I'd like to see more of that.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
I'd like to see more bars with rules I'd like to see.
I'd like to see a bit more ofthat.
You know where you kind of goin from seven o'clock, like
maybe set times between sevenand 11.
It's an experience thing, yeah,yeah, yeah, like, and I want
the waiters to be, I wantenormous waiters where you
really feel pressured, that youlike you can't just go no, no,
I'm not going to do karaoke Likethere's really scary people,
(36:43):
like men and women.
So, and don't feel protectedagainst not being punched by a
man that buff ass woman willpunch him as well and that buff
ass woman will also punch a manin the face because that's
allowed and then yeah, and thenyou'd be like, okay, sex, sex,
and I want to see that you'dthink it wouldn't work, but this
, this particular, it's acomedian that opened up a
(37:06):
restaurant chain or a pub chainback home, and I think there's
probably about 15, maybe 20 Ispeak under correction but 15 of
20 of these restaurants andthey are quite successful.
Number one, uh, is don't be ado us, which basically means
like don't be an arsehole, don'tbe a do us.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
And then two is then the buffalo rule and then it's
like I've got a couple of names.
Speaker 4 (37:29):
What's the name of the?
Speaker 1 (37:30):
bars Henny's.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Henny's, if you're listening to Henny's.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Please sponsor us.
We'll do shows and tours inHenny's.
Do they all speak Afrikaans?
Am I?
Speaker 3 (37:38):
fucked Will I get beaten up.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You might just.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
It's a very Afrikaans bar, but the person who started
this bar is actually a comedian, like an Afrikaans comedian
okay, and he kind of justpivoted and opened up this bar
and it's doing pretty well in avery Afrikaans influenced bar
chain.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
If you do want an English speaking podcast, where
half of it doesn't speak anyAfrikaans at all and probably is
the most likely person you'dwant to punch in the face, then
I think we should go for it.
It's worth three drinks and aflight.
You know, pay for the flightand the three drinks, we'll sort
out the accommodation.
Drop it down low with threewords.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
Drop it down low with three word story.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
So, dylan, little wazzers, trousers.
Now I'm glad that you went into some thorough depth with your
pub, because my story today isgoing to be brief.
Are you sure it truly is astory.
And the reason for this storyor should I say poem story is
the three words that I got fromthe milk thistle in bristol and,
(38:41):
I'll be honest, it's actuallytwo squares down from the milk
thistle, so you know know,outraged they gave me using
poems offer.
Okay, so my offer to you is touse a poem as my story.
So that's it, and that's as faras I'm going with the words.
(39:02):
Other than it will be a poem.
Okay now, before I went on myholiday, I was a bit stuck with
this one because I know I wantedto use poems.
He wrote me a poem oh well,we'll get there, we'll get there
, we'll get there.
And you stuck with this onebecause I know I wanted to use
poems.
He wrote me a poem We'll getthere, we'll get there, we'll
get there and you'll like thisone, you'll like this one.
And so before we get there, Ilooked into different types of
poems.
So I went on ChatGBT and waslike tell me about all different
(39:22):
kinds of poems and I wanted tomake you some very loving poems
and even different types ofpoems like haikus.
And that decided to be acomplete horrible chore and I
didn't want to do it anymore.
So I went on holiday insteadand whilst on holiday, I went to
my in-laws house, very lovelyhouse in France, and there was
(39:42):
other family there who hadlittle kids, and there was these
kids books lying around, okay,and one of the books was a book
called Sl slinky malinky.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Have you ever heard of slinky malinky?
It was my favorite book.
No, just joking.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't.
I really didn't expect you to.
I really said you have aportfolio I'm sorry I was like.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
I love it when it comes full circle no no, that's
what I normally do.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
So Slinky Malinky, no , but what?
Speaker 2 (40:14):
are you going to?
Speaker 1 (40:17):
I have the first paragraph of Slinky Malinky
because I think it's a copyrightissue to do anymore.
But the first paragraph is thisto give you a flavor of how it
goes right, slinky Malinky wasblacker than black Stinky.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Slinky Malinky.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
I don't think we can say this next to Slinky Malinky,
just in case the author comesfor us, understood, she might
come after us and be like don'tyou still care about Slinky
Malinky?
That's fair.
So Slinky Malinky was blackerthan black, a stalking and
lurking, adventurous cat.
He had bright yellow eyes, awarbling wail and a kink at the
(40:53):
end of his very long tail oh, no, yeah, the kink of his end at a
wedding that he attended towearing full bondage.
So that is basically, is thatit's about a cat called slinky
binky slinking around beingmalinky, and it's from a book
series called, or uh, harrymcclary's donaldson dairy.
Right, so we're talking rhymes,we're talking winter calls, so
(41:13):
was there any?
Speaker 2 (41:14):
I can see you doing this yeah, this is so.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
This is the vibe we're going for.
Is there any any child's booksoff the top of your head that
you can think that, man, I lovedreading.
No, in all honesty, I didn'tread that is the least
surprising thing I have everheard.
Speaker 2 (41:29):
No, children's books was really not a thing for me.
There was maybe some Afrikaansbooks that I attempted whilst
younger.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Okay, so what is it Give the listeners at home who
aren't?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
from that network.
There was like, so there was.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
Bibi Kala in Flöy, I think was like the series when I
was younger that you could thenkind of read, but it didn't
always have a title.
It was just always these threecharacters going on different
adventures bb, flower color andfloy, which even in africa
answered like those aren'tregular names, just that you, we
(42:08):
had uh biff, uh biff chip
Speaker 4 (42:09):
and kipper.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Maybe they said like those aren't regular names, just
that you we had Biff, chip andKipper, maybe they're like those
.
It's probably something wemight have just stolen, kind of
the ideas from you.
Speaker 4 (42:18):
Maybe we've stolen it .
Speaker 1 (42:18):
We're like these names are silly, let's call them
.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Let's call them Biff, let's call them Biff instead of
and Chip, biff, chip andSkipper.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Yeah or Kipper.
It was a Skipper, I don't know,it was two people and a dog.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
That was all I remember Any Roald Dahl Any?
Speaker 2 (42:34):
Doctor Seuss.
Speaker 1 (42:35):
No, I didn't read the books, I watched the movies.
Now, that says everything.
I'm sorry.
They were like Dylan, we're notreading to you, you can't get a
fucking job.
So go watch this movie instead.
Uh, yeah, there was unrolledthat one.
Like I said, um, if there werebooks involved which weren't
many, especially my younger daysthey were definitely not in
(42:57):
english.
So, um, yeah, the children'sbooks man really going back into
the archives to try and coversomething up or like to get to
something, but no there wasmaybe like some spy books, Ooh,
(43:18):
children Okay, this is kind oflater ish almost teen books but
I thought you meant like youwere a teenager reading
childhood.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Shut the fuck up.
The Hardy Boys was was kind ofsomething that I that I kind of
got into, I think.
Three, three, four books, okay,so your Hardy.
Speaker 4 (43:34):
Boys do you ever watch?
Speaker 1 (43:35):
listen to fucking read.
Gee whiz, I did read some youwouldn't think so, would you a
series of unfortunate events?
Of course you watch the movie,right?
No, also not.
Alright, let's pause thepodcast.
We'll go watch the movie.
Oh, and we're back.
No, I'm joking, you shouldwatch that.
You should watch that.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Okay, great enough, patter okay, did, did, we, did,
we kind of complete the quotaachieve.
Speaker 1 (44:02):
Thank you, luckily, your bath story went long enough
and now we?
I think we can go into this andwe can call it a good 50
minutes of bullshit.
Uh, right, okay.
So, dylan, yes, you are right,I have made you a poem slash
story.
It's beautiful and it is basedon oh, you can pick what are
true events and what are nottrue.
(44:22):
But can I also then just saydon't he's using this as a
scapegoat?
He actually wrote me a poem andnow he's using the story or the
podcast as a cover-up to nowreveal this poem to me.
Speaker 4 (44:39):
And you know what?
Dylan.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
I'm going to go on that story because it will make
this so much more enjoyable forme.
Yes, I indeed made this poembased on true events for myself,
and based on strictly trueevents.
Okay, so right, I'm going toput some little background music
Strap in.
Speaker 4 (44:56):
I want to shut it.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
Why does your face look pained?
Speaker 4 (45:00):
Why are you?
Speaker 1 (45:00):
squeezing your face up like you're going to cry
again Closing my this is my poemstory music background.
Does it feel like you're in a?
Do you feel like you're a kid?
Again, sat down, like ah, itkind of makes me feel like I'm
in a fish tank, okay, like, yeah, I don't know why this is, it's
like Nemo music.
Okay, so you're a little Right.
Imagine you're a little fishwobbling around and I am the
(45:22):
storyteller to tell you thestory of Silly McDilly.
Oh, okay, cool, this is aboutyou, my friend.
Now I can't remember where itwas that one's doing.
Nice, that was Okay.
Okay, I think we need those two.
This is going to be difficult,okay.
So, please say a welcome to MrSilly McDilly, who, I'm afraid,
(45:48):
is cursed with an irregularwilly.
Is it too short, or is it toolong?
Or maybe it has an odorous pong.
On a fair day, on one sunnymorn, dilly woke up with an
unusual horn.
Did it bend left or did it bendright?
(46:11):
Well, dilly knew his pantswould be tight, so he took his
briefs and said out loud I'llknow what I'll do, I'll turn
them around.
He slipped them off on to getready to rock the crotch to his
butt and the butt to his cock.
Speaker 4 (46:35):
With the extra room for his morning wood.
Speaker 1 (46:38):
He waddled to the door as fast as he could.
He grabbed for the handle andgave it a turn, but the door
didn't open.
Oh, dilly didn't learn, for hislock was broken, and instead of
asking for help, he instead gotbusy aggressively touching
himself.
For the extra green room hadmade it easier.
(47:03):
But all of a sudden the smellgot cheesier, for little
mcdilly's pants were one weekold and the butt of willie's
smell began to mold.
What was he to do?
He was now stuck with a stankypenis that would make you go
yuck.
(47:24):
And yet there was a miracle, ashe heard a voice.
It was his neighbor, who Dillythought was quite noise.
Now Dilly had a choice of nowwhat to do.
Does he ask for help when hisWillie smells like poo?
(47:44):
The neighbor speaks out oh, whatis this awful smell?
It reads like you're living inUpper East Side of Hell.
Mcdilly speaks out I swear itwasn't me.
Maybe something died.
I'll prove it, you'll see.
But the dear lock before me hasnow fully broken.
So the fate before me is thatI'll be choking.
(48:08):
Oh, don't you despair, littleMacDilly, I'll bust you out in a
little jiffy.
Now, little MacDilly, he fearedthe worst.
She will finally found out.
His willy is cursed.
But before he can respond therewas a crash and a bang.
(48:29):
She kicked in the door so nolonger it would hang there.
The two stood whilst they lockedeyes.
Nothing was said except thebuzz of some flies.
She looked at his crotch andlet out a grunt as the back of
his pants were worn on his front.
(48:50):
But Dilly then moaned.
I swear I can explain.
Since I've woken up my willyhas been in pain.
Then the neighbor smiled andgave Dilly a shh and told him
she liked the back to front tush.
And then she added that sheloved a dilly and though he
(49:13):
might be smelly, she couldaccept him for being silly and
could work out around the oddwilly.
Macdilly jumped up leaping likea trout.
I love you, fair maiden.
He let out a shout.
The two then took hands as ifit were fate.
Even with a stinky willy youcan meet your soul mate.
(49:36):
How lovely was that.
He's doing the screwy up faceagain.
Yeah, and I don't even have toact.
Now.
That was, that was beautifuldid you like that?
do you like, based on trueevents as well okay, we didn't.
(49:58):
We don't have to go that far,but please, tell me, for those
of you who have not listened toother episodes, basically every
single point in there has comeup one way or another in other
episodes, and nearly all, Ithink, most of them, most of
them yes, um, and others that Iwill deny my doors are locked.
Speaker 4 (50:18):
My doors are broken so I wrote that today.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
I wrote that today in in a cafe, literally laughing
out loud at myself.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
I want to say like I could kind of picture or just
imagine you being like you know.
Speaker 1 (50:41):
I'm going to do a poem.
I'm going to write a poem aboutDali Silly, dali Silly McDali.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
And you know what, all these things that that,
according to you, are true.
Um, it's, it's a pretty goodpoem.
It was a pretty good creative.
Speaker 1 (51:00):
Uh, the words silly mcdilly, yes and willie were
basically.
After I read slinky malinky, Iwas like right, I want to do
something like this.
And immediately silly mcdillyand will Willie came into my
head and I made a voice note.
I was like I'm going toremember this and today I just
wrote it one after the other,laughing out loud.
You can ask Ali Just there,chalkling at myself of is it too
(51:24):
short or is it too long?
Or maybe it has an odorous palm.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
Listen.
By the way I heard, we don'thave to account or recall
anything from this did it leftor did it bend right?
Speaker 1 (51:36):
well, did he knew his pants would be tight?
Well, there is my ode to you,and I'm glad you built it up
before, as if to be like.
James wrote me a poem what apoor well, actually jokes on you
because it was completelycorrect and factual, factual,
yeah.
So, dylan, now we've gotepisode 30 in the books, in the
(51:56):
annuals, written in the scrolls.
What are we going to do forepisode 31?
And why?
Now we've had this conversationbriefly off the mic, briefly,
yeah, I think we've had thisconversation briefly off the mic
.
Speaker 2 (52:11):
Briefly.
I think we've already said it,but I can't remember what it is.
It was something about a rockshow.
No, maybe not.
I think I just made that uphold on, hold on.
Speaker 1 (52:25):
Okay, best rock show you've ever been to.
Speaker 4 (52:27):
Best rock show you've ever been to Best rock show
you've ever been to Sure, let'sstick with that In your mind.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
it was just a show of good.
And here is a sedimentary rockabout.
It was the best rock show I'veever been to.
Okay so episode 31, where ourfavourite rock concert ever was
and why and we'll make athree-word motherfucking story
based on that Boom, dun-dun-dun,dun-dun and why and we'll make
a three word motherfucking storybased on that.
Speaker 3 (52:51):
Boom dun dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun.
Drop a download three wordstory.
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