December 10, 2024 • 47 mins
Have you ever wondered how to let go of the past and embrace your true self? Join me, Mikita, on a heartfelt exploration of the complex emotions that accompany the process of letting go. Through personal stories and deep conversations, we'll navigate through feelings of sadness, frustration, and shame, unraveling how these emotions connect to our self-worth. This episode is a safe haven for anyone seeking to confront hidden feelings and bravely step into self-acceptance, with insights on how embracing change can lead to profound personal growth.
#selfdevelopment #Wellness
#thym4teawithmikita #manifest #purposefulliving #liveunapplogectically #freedom #podcast #womeninpodcast #podcastlife #empoweringwomen
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
When I speak of letting go, one thing that I
didn't realize was that itwasn't just about fear.
When I break down all theemotions that I feel and that I
felt and my vocabulary expandson emotions it's that there's
(00:23):
more to it than just fear andanger and happiness.
You know, there's sadness,there's frustration, there is
uncertainty, there's shame Likethere's just so many emotions.
Hey, there, I'm Makita, a smalltown girl with big dreams who
started a podcast with an oldheadset and a laptop at my
(00:45):
kitchen table and made my dreamscome true.
On my podcast, time for Teawith Makita, we chat about
living life unapologetically, onyour terms, from career advice,
entrepreneurship, relationshipsand everything in between.
This is your one-stop shop forreal conversations and
inspiration.
If you're looking forconnection, then you found it
(01:08):
here.
Join me every Tuesday as wedive into those sometimes hard
to have conversations.
So grab your cup of tea orcoffee and get comfy, because
this is time for Tea with Makita, and the tea is definitely hot.
Ever feel like you need asuperpower boost of motivation
with exclusive tips and toolswith your goals in mind?
(01:28):
Well, say hello to your newinspiration hotspot the Tuesday
Tea Newsletter, your weeklyinfusion of big thinking energy
that will propel you to chaseyour wildest dreams and never
shy away from using the power ofyour voice.
Sign up for the Tuesday TeaNews today at
beautifullyunbalancedcom andelevate your goals to the next
level.
(01:49):
Welcome back, it is definitelytime for some tea.
I'm your host, makita.
First of all, I just want tothank you so much for sharing
your time, your space and, ofcourse, your amazing energy with
me today.
So today's episode is going tobe a little different, because
this time I want to talk aboutthe journey, and I want to first
(02:13):
start by saying that in no wayam I an expert on life.
I am just like you.
I am still figuring life out.
No one is perfect.
We are all trying to not justdiscover what our purpose is and
(02:33):
to live in that truth, butwe're all trying to be the best
versions of ourselves and tolive life in a way that is true
to who we are.
That makes us proud and givesus purpose, and I hope, through
my stories and what I share,helps other people to feel seen,
(02:59):
to feel heard and to know thatyou're not alone in your journey
and to know that you're notalone in your journey.
Of course, each of our journeyslook and feel so different, but
we can all, at the same time,understand what that feeling is
like, the feeling of uncertainty.
We know what fear feels like.
We know what it feels like togo through a hard time, and we
(03:23):
also know what it feels likewhen someone holds space for us,
when someone accepts us for whowe are.
And in this space, I want youto know that it is definitely a
safe space for you to be yourunperfect self, your beautifully
unbalanced self, and to love onyourself in whatever way makes
(03:44):
you feel that coincides withyour beliefs.
So, with that being said, Iwant to start this off with a
quote by Alan Watts.
It says the only way to makesense out of change is to plunge
into it, move with it and jointhe dance.
(04:04):
And that is so true, for when,how I started this year off, I
had this great epiphany that myword for this year, the thing
that I would hold dear to me andthat I would strive to do is to
let go.
To let go of fear, to let go ofuncertainty, shame, doubt, all
(04:26):
of these things that tend tohold us back and keep us from
walking in our truth, to livinglife unapologetically, in a way
that supports who we are.
I didn't know that life wouldhave so many bumps, curve roads,
dead ends, and that I would gothrough so much in such a short
(04:53):
amount of time.
But I am not ungrateful for itNow.
I'm not going to lie At thetime that I was going through it
.
And sometimes you know like,just like life, everything kind
of hits you differently.
Sometimes when we think we'reover something, it kind of comes
(05:14):
back and we're like, oh, Ididn't really fully heal from
that.
You know, I accepted it but Ihaven't healed from it, and I
think that's a lot of times howwe all feel about certain things
in our life and we're goingthrough it.
But there are two big lessonsthat I learned this year.
One is that grief is hard.
(05:35):
It fucking sucks.
There's no way around it.
It sucks.
It doesn't matter whether it'sthe death of a loved one, a loss
of a friendship, a change in acareer that you thought you were
going to grow into andeventually retire from one day.
Whatever that loss is, griefsucks.
(06:00):
The second thing that I'velearned this year, when I talk
about letting go, is that shameis very crippling, and what I
didn't realize is that my senseof shame is attached to my
feeling of worthiness.
And when I speak of letting go,one thing that I didn't realize
(06:47):
it than just fear and anger andhappiness there's sadness,
there's frustration, there isuncertainty, there's shame,
there's just so.
And when I had the idea that Iwould really reflect and see
(07:11):
what it looks like for me to letgo, and I sort of kind of
challenged people around me togive me their definition of
letting go and, as you know, Ispoke to a lot of people on this
episode throughout this seasonof this podcast on what are some
(07:32):
things that they let go and howdid they overcome that let go
and what did it look like, wheredid they start and how did they
get there?
Like that was like the biggestthing, like what did you let go
of to transform into the personthat you are today.
And in the reflection of all ofthat, I had to come to terms
(07:55):
with some of the things that Ihad buried really deep that I
didn't necessarily want toconfront.
It's easy to confront, confrontthe surface layer stuff.
It's much harder to confrontthe stuff that's deep down and
rooted and makes us feel ickyand uncomfortable and just like
(08:17):
do I really want to go thereBecause sometimes once you open
that, you can't just bottle itback up Once it's out there,
it's out there and that's it.
You got to kind of wrestle withit.
You can ignore it, but it showsup in denial, it shows up in
frustration and anger andresentment.
(08:38):
It comes back.
So when we think about grief,grief is defined as this intense
sorrow or sadness that we feelwhen we lose someone or
something.
It's often associated withdeath but can also involve, like
I said, loss of relationships,career changes, health changes
(08:59):
and it's a natural response toloss.
And it can be complicated andthere's no time limit to grief,
which I think is so hard becauseyou know, when we're grieving
we just want to like I just wantto get on the other side of it.
You know I don't want to gothrough the process of the grief
.
You know I just want to get tothe place where I see other
(09:19):
people are at that have made itthrough grief.
Can I just get there and justkind of be done with it, because
it hurts too much to stay hereand move past it.
I don't want to stay in thatand grief is such a hard thing
to talk about Beginning of thisyear, when I was thinking about
(09:43):
my word and how I would use theidea of letting go.
I had no idea, like I said, Ihad no idea that it would even
bring up the idea of grief.
But I lost my best friend tometastatic breast cancer and we
wasn't prepared, we didn't evenknow, she didn't even know, and
(10:08):
it just hit us, you know, likeshe was having some back pain
that we thought, you know, it'sjust like.
You know we get older.
You know life happens.
We're not as young as we usedto be and you know she was just
like you know, just go to thechiropractor, you know.
Just.
You know, do therapy orsomething, and you know things
(10:30):
would get better.
And it didn't get better and itended up being a diagnosis of
guess what?
You have metastatic breastcancer that has spread and
within two weeks she had passedand it was hard and I don't
(10:52):
think death is ever easy.
But what happened was as I wasgoing through and dealing with
the loss and I realized therewas so much loss and grief
surrounding so many people, likeit just kind of opened up this
(11:14):
conversation for people to sharethat their loss, their grief,
to talk about their loved one.
And I remember my husbandtelling me we had went to the
store and I saw something.
I was like, oh my God, shewould love this, like this would
be something I would havebought her.
And she'd have been like, oh,let me pay you.
(11:34):
And I'm like, can't pay me,like it's a gift, get accepted.
And she would find some way to,you know, buy me coffee or do
something really nice for me toshow that she was appreciative.
Because she was just one ofthose people that if you did
something for her, it was in hernature to show gratitude.
(11:56):
She never took anything forgranted and I love that about
her.
And when she would do nicethings like you would not
necessarily know that she didsomething nice for people she
didn't brag about it.
She didn't tell you what shedone, she would just do it out
of the kindness of her heart.
(12:18):
And in that I was rememberingwhen I was telling my husband
like I would definitely get thisfor her, like she would have
loved this, and he was like youknow, and I said so much like
talking about her I was like, oh, I know you're probably tired.
He was like, no, that's how wekeep people alive.
You talk about her and youmention her name and you share
(12:40):
the stories, like, don't stopsharing the stories.
Share the stories, like, don'tstop sharing the stories.
And it was like giving mepermission to grieve her loss
out loud.
To talk about her was a processof grieving for me and I
realized that with my father Inever really grieved.
(13:02):
It's hard to talk about someoneyou don't know.
It's hard to long and misssomething that you never had.
And I say that because of this.
It made me realize that I'venever dealt with the idea that I
(13:22):
never knew my father.
He passed away when I was aninfant and I never liked to talk
about it.
Growing up, my mom would alwaysshare stories and made us feel
like we were really connectedand that we knew him.
But this idea that deep insideI was grieving, I was longing
(13:48):
for to see his face, to have amemory, to know what it felt
like to have him in my life, Ilonged for something that I
never had, that I never had.
(14:14):
That response of wanting thatso bad and knowing that it could
never happen was a sense ofloss and through that process of
that grief I was able to cometo terms with that and accept it
and to speak out loud that Ilong for that.
I'm always envious of peoplethat grew up with both their
(14:35):
parents, that have a father, andI'm always like you just don't
know what that means.
Like your father is alive, youcan hug him, touch him, call
them.
I don't know.
I make up stories in my headabout what it would be like and
what it would feel like and allthe things that I would say and
(14:59):
do, but I have no idea of whatthat really is.
So I get that somerelationships are strenuous and
it doesn't look like the fairytales on the TV shows, and I'm
okay with that too.
(15:20):
But the idea that I had startedthis journey with letting go it
doesn't mean I was letting go ofgrief.
That's not what I learned.
What I learned was that it wasokay to let my emotions about
(15:43):
grief, about my loss, that I wasokay to express it.
I could let go of all thosethings I was holding onto, all
these feelings of longing andwanting and just wishing that I
could speak those things out,that it was okay for me to share
(16:05):
my feelings.
I didn't have to bottle them upand pretend like it was okay,
like I normally did, but I couldexpress it and I was like, oh
my goodness, like this is whatit means to let go.
It's such a weight to say thesethings out loud and I didn't
(16:25):
really realize that I was inthat specific space of longing
until and I think I told thisstory before but we went to my
father's grave and it'ssomething that I don't do very
often.
But my mom called us and she waslike let's go put some flowers
(16:49):
on your father's grave forMemorial Day.
My dad served in the military,he was Army and not all of us
could come, because I havesiblings that live out of state
and it was like two days beforeMemorial Day, so everybody
necessarily not off or werecoming to town or whatever.
So three of my siblings thatlive close by, we all, we did,
(17:11):
we um, we got together and onthe way there my mom rode with
me and I'm not a very I'm notvery good at vulnerability.
You know this idea of beingopen with my emotions.
(17:31):
Almost to me it feels like aweakness, like, oh my gosh, I
don't want to show weakness.
I got to be strong.
I have to put on this front,even if it's not true.
As long as I can fake like I amokay and it's just, it'll be
okay.
(17:55):
And that's how I started thisride out with my mom and I just
remember my mom talking and shewas rambling and I'm like what
is she?
She's just rambling, tellingthese stories and all these
things.
I'm like what is she talkingabout?
And I realized that she wasfeeling the same thing, that I
was feeling this longing, thesense of loss, and that as we
(18:16):
got closer and closer, both ofour grief was there.
And I reach out and I grab herhand and I hold it in mine and
we didn't have to say anything.
(18:36):
But I said this is hard.
And she said, yes, this is hard.
He was the love of my life.
I will always miss him.
And I realized that all thosestories that she told us growing
up wasn't necessarily aboutsharing them with us.
You know, it was her way ofkeeping his memory alive, of
(18:57):
being close to him, of retaininga memory of him, because with
each story she told, she couldvisualize him what he was
wearing, probably, what hesmelled like, what he looked
like, his hair, his touch, hisfeel.
You know, those are the thingsthat I long for, that I wish I
(19:20):
had memory of but didn't.
But with each story she told,she was able to grieve and to be
vulnerable with her grief bysharing those stories with us.
And they wasn't Supermanstories or perfection stories.
She told whatever story came tomind.
(19:40):
That's one thing I like aboutmy mom she's very open and
honest and she's not going tosugarcoat it coded.
But I knew that with each storyI was like this is how she
dealt with that loss, this ishow she got through it.
(20:06):
And in that moment of me justholding her hand and saying this
is tough, this is hard, I wasgiving her permission to be
vulnerable and saying this istough, this is hard was given
her permission to be vulnerableand say this is a lot right now.
And there's so many emotionsthat I'm feeling.
The next thing that I learnedbecause if you're in the state
(20:29):
of loss, if you are, if you lostsomeone, if you lost a
relationship becauserelationships are tough too, you
know I remember ending afriendship with one of my
friends, one of my closestfriends, one of my closest
friends and, honestly, evenafter the friendship had ended,
(20:54):
I didn't truly accept it.
I felt like eventually, one ofus would pick up the phone and
we would call.
I'm a Capricorn, so I'mstubborn, so I was waiting for
the other person to do it, andso much time had passed do it,
(21:15):
and so much time had passed andI just realized that we had
grown into two entirelydifferent people and then, if
that relationship was trulyworth saving, we would have both
already reached out.
Some relationships are notnecessarily healthy.
Sometimes we trauma bond withpeople and the only thing that
holds us together is the trauma.
And once you grow and move pastthat trauma, you realize that
(21:38):
that relationship was onlyholding space for the worst part
of your life, not the best part, not the person that you are
trying to become, because no onewants to stay in that.
We all want to rebuild and growfrom it.
And one of the things that Irealized is that not all
(22:02):
relationships can be repairedand that it's okay for certain
people to be in our lives forcertain seasons and reasons.
It's not to say that they, youknow, didn't have a purpose.
They did.
Without that connection,without that relationship, I
(22:24):
don't think you get to the nextstep, because I truly believe
that everything serves a purpose.
Even the hard stuff serves apurpose and we learn so much
about ourselves when we startreflecting and looking back at
life and be like.
What did I learn from thatrelationship?
You know, what did it teach me?
(22:46):
And not just the bad things,but like the good things.
What did it teach me aboutmyself, about the person that I,
but like the good things?
What did it teach me aboutmyself, about the person that I
want to be, about staying trueto who I am, my values.
What did it teach me aboutsetting boundaries?
You know, and we talk about theloss and grief of career changes
.
We've all been in situationswhere we know people who have
(23:11):
put their whole life in a career.
They have a whole life in thisdegree and have to grieve the
loss that you lost your job, thecompany has made a change and
now you're being moved toanother place and you're like
but this is what I love to do,this is where I thought I was
(23:32):
going to retire from.
You know, who am I outside ofthis career?
Like who am I outside of this?
And that's a grief.
And that's grief, that's loss,because we have to think of
ourselves outside of our careersand sometimes we define
ourselves by what we do.
But the thing about titles is atitle can be taken.
(23:56):
Your true worth and yourpurpose in life cannot be taken
from you.
They can change titles all daylong, but it does not change who
you are as a person, andsometimes I think we kind of
forget that.
And it's easy sometimes toforget that.
(24:17):
Cs Lewis said that no one evertold me that grief felt so like
fear.
And I'm like, hell, yeah, thatis so true.
Grief is like fear.
It is crippling, debilitating.
We kind of freeze and we don'tknow what to do because no one
(24:41):
prepares us for grief.
No one prepares us for what itlooks like to be on the other
side to lose something, to be onthe other side to lose
something, right, we just don't.
No one ever says like, hey,this is how you get through
grief, because no one does itthe same and grief doesn't
(25:04):
always look the same, especiallywhen it's like our health.
I had surgery this year which,honestly, i'm'm like never
thought that would happen.
I've never had a surgery in mylife until now and I'm like, oh
my gosh, like who?
What is?
What does this new normal looklike?
Because now I got to startreally looking at my health and
(25:27):
taking care of myself.
And it was hard, it was tough.
Surgery is not fun, your newnormal is not fun.
And I just remember thinking tomyself like oh my gosh, I don't
want to have poor health, Idon't want to be the person
(25:49):
always at the doctor, I don'twant to have poor health, I
don't want to be the personalways at the doctor.
Like this is not how I envisionmy life.
Like how can I rebuild thisthing?
I mean, when we have healthchallenges, sometimes it can
take us out of work, sometimesit leads to surgery, sometimes
it leads us to a new normal.
Like it can be so debilitatingand there's a sense of loss that
(26:12):
comes with that, knowing thatwe can't do what we used to do,
you know.
But the biggest thing that Ilearned is that, even though we
are grieving something thatwe're not alone in it and the
(26:32):
more that we are able to expressthe feeling, the emotion that's
behind it, the easier it is forus to start identifying where
we're at and having open andhonest conversations and being
okay with being vulnerable aboutour feelings.
Not to say that you're evergoing to like being vulnerable
(26:55):
with your feelings.
I don't.
I just don't, because we'renever sure how people are going
to react when we start beingvulnerable, and there's always
this idea that someone's goingto be offended or think that we
are weak or just don't want todeal with it.
You know, it's like women thatcry and they're like I just
(27:18):
don't want to deal with womenthat's crying, like you know,
but we don't like to deal withit because then we have to admit
our own feelings and our ownvulnerability and for some
people that is very, very hard.
So, in this year of letting go,leaning into the grief, leaning
(27:44):
into the loss, accepting it,having conversations around it,
accepting it, havingconversations around it, being
vulnerable around it, has helped.
And when I think about that,I'm like I never thought that I
(28:15):
would be this person that couldtruly talk about this in a way
that brought me peace.
And there's no time limit ongrief.
Whether it's grief ofrelationship, loss of someone in
your life that meant everythingto you, that you loved with
your whole heart, whether it'shealth challenges or changes,
loss is loss.
And when we start letting go ofthe mindset that's associated
(28:39):
with this time limit on loss,there's no time limit.
And when I was talking aboutyeah, I just want to get to the
other side.
You know when you're on theother.
Yeah, I just want to get to theother side.
You know, when you're on theother side it still hurts.
You just learn to get up everyday with the hurt and you learn
(29:01):
to not close off the emotions,to be open.
And you know it's funny becausemy husband said something the
other day.
We were talking about happiness, choosing to be happy.
He said you know, you don'thave to be happy every day, but
you can choose to wake up everyday and say today's going to be
a good day.
It may not be the best day, butit can be a good day and you
(29:26):
can choose that.
And I was like you're right, Imay not be happy every day and I
don't have to pretend to behappy, but I can say today's
going to be a good day and Ilike that idea.
Good day, and I like that idea.
(29:46):
The second thing that I learnedfrom this whole journey of
letting go is that shame is verycrippling and I don't like it,
because what I learned was that,when it comes to shame, there's
this sense of worthiness,feeling unworthy, feeling
unloved, feeling like you don'tbelong.
Shame is defined as a powerfulemotion that arises from the
(30:10):
perception that we have donesomething wrong or that we are
inherently flawed.
And, unlike guilt, which isabout specific actions, and
unlike guilt, which is aboutspecific actions, shame is often
internalized as a negativejudgment of your worth, your
self-worth, and I'm just like,oh my gosh, when we talk about
(30:31):
self-worth and shame, wow, thatis so deep.
Because no one talks aboutshame, no one talks about what
it feels to not be belonging,because belonging is one of the
(30:55):
things that I think I held on tothe most when I thought about
shame and my self-worth.
And I think we all want to feellike we belong, right.
I think we all want to feellike we belong right.
We all want to feel like we'reloved and we're valued and we're
seen and we're heard.
And we have this sense of shamesometimes around, not feeling
good enough, not feeling worthyenough, not feeling like people
(31:17):
can love us or who would wannahear me speak, who would care
about what I say.
I need to put on all theselayers and be all these things.
I need to be superwoman overhere to get people to make me
feel belonging, to give me thatvalidation.
But the thing about that is itonly lasts for so long before
(31:37):
we're looking for another doseof affirmation from someone.
You know it's like constantlychasing the validation from
someone else.
And when I started to thinkabout, you know, shame and guilt
(31:58):
, I realized that I had thiswhole idea of who people wanted
me to be and that I had lived inthis space of pleasing people,
being the perfect person.
And I remember growing up as akid, I wanted to make my mom's
(32:20):
life easier.
So if I could be the perfectchild, if I could do all the
things that made it a littleeasier for her, then it would
give me this sense of perfection, because now I can be the
perfect daughter, I can do allthe perfect things.
(32:41):
You know, I won't fill up myglass with juice, you know, and
drink all the juice up.
Nope, I would get the perfectamount of juice and I would
drink all my juice and I wouldrinse my glass out and I would
do all the things to make it soeasy and I would be perfect.
Perfection does not exist.
I would be perfect.
(33:03):
Perfection does not exist andperfection is an illusion
because no one is perfect.
There is this study in theJournal of Social and Clinical
Psychology that found that shameis closely linked to mental
disorders, including depression,anxiety, eating disorders and
addiction, and that it can oftenlead to this shame spiral where
(33:23):
people feel more and moredisconnected from others.
Because then we get into thisidea of comparison right, we're
looking at other people andwe're like they got their shit
together.
You know, I remember like onthe days that I was off, like I
had this friend that would takeher kids to school so they would
have to ride the bus, and I'mlike what you actually do that
(33:47):
and they would stop and buybreakfast.
And I'm just like it takeseverything in me to get up.
You know, get everybody ready,like the school bus is like my
gift to have a moment of sanityby myself where I can just fall
apart if I need to without thekids being there.
And you want to add getting up,getting them ready, getting
(34:09):
them to the car, getting thembreakfast and dropping them off.
I'm like man, these parents areso great I can't do all of that
.
Like this is too much, like I'mjust trying to have a moment,
like I just want a day off whenI'm off.
I'm just trying to have amoment, like I just want a day
off when I'm off.
I'm off Because I'm going tohave to come when they get home,
I'm going to have to dohomework and dinner and all the
things.
And I remember feeling soguilty that I did not do this.
(34:32):
And then I was like you knowwhat that works for them?
It does not work for me.
Like there's so much thingshappening right here in my life
that you know it's okay if mykids catch the bus, you know
it's okay that I didn't takethem through the fast food line
(34:53):
to get them breakfast, likeit'll be fine.
You know, I did little otherlittle things, like I may have
brung lunch to school from theirfavorite place for them to eat,
you know.
But you know we shame ourselvesfor not being perfect, for not
living up to unrealisticexpectations that no one, no one
(35:15):
does, no one is perfect andthat we will not be loved if
we're not perfect, which is sonot true.
I read this quote by MeganDevine that says I'm sorry,
wrong person, but no, it was.
(35:36):
Let me see, I don't want to getit right here.
So Sylvia Rums said in her bookwhy Girls Fail there's a quote
that says shame arises when wecannot live up to our own
(35:57):
standards or those of society,but we need to learn how to rise
above it without the burden ofperfection.
And when I first started thisoff, I started out with a quote
by Alan Watts and we talkedabout the only way to make sense
out of change is to plunge intoit.
The only way to get throughshame is to plunge into it and
(36:21):
recognize it for what it is,because shame is the most
powerful master emotion.
It's the emotion thatunderlines all other emotions.
It's the fear that we are notgood enough, that we are not
(36:42):
good enough.
And John Bradshaw actuallyexplores this in his book
Healing the Shame that Binds you, where he explores this idea
that shame can be deeplyembedded feeling that affects
one's entire sense of identity.
I mean, just think of you knowour family dynamics and how
(37:11):
toxic shame can be andparalyzing and distorted it can
make our self-image.
And a lot of times our shame isrooted in childhood trauma,
dysfunctional family dynamics,and it also creates these
underlying wounds.
And that's how we really startto develop this self-comparison
(37:32):
ideas of looking in the windowat somebody else.
And my mom always says younever know what's going on
behind closed doors Before youlook at someone else's life and
think that they got their shittogether and that they're so
perfect and they're just livingthe American dream.
You don't know what their lifeis like when they go in that
house and shut that door.
And my mom used to say this allthe time as kids, and you know,
(37:53):
at first, you know I would belike what does she mean behind
closed doors, like what'shappening behind the door?
And I got older and I was likeI get it, because I'm sure lots
of people look at my life and belike, oh, she has her shit
together, like she's doing, andthey don't see the tears, they
(38:16):
don't see the struggles, theydon't see the shame, the grief,
they don't see none of it, theuncertainty.
You know all the struggles andthat's why I like to be as open
and transparent as possible,because normal life is perfect,
(38:40):
but it can be perfectly perfectfor you.
Perfectly unperfect, it's likeI say, like it can be
beautifully unbalanced in a waythat makes you happy, that lives
in your truth and that helpsyou to live your life
unapologetically, helps you tolive your life unapologetically.
(39:08):
And that's why, as I steppedinto this idea of living and
letting go this season of mylife, it brung up the two things
that healed me the most.
And we're all still healing,right.
We just don't wake up one dayand be like, oh my gosh, I'm
miraculously healed, I did it,I'm done.
No, it does not work that way.
(39:29):
Like I, have practices, and Ithink everyone should have some
form of practice in their lifespiritually.
A spiritual practice, notreligious, because, you know,
we're not all religious peopleand that's fine, we're all
different.
But I truly believe thateveryone should have a spiritual
(39:50):
practice, something thatgrounds them to their selves,
that gives them an opportunityto reflect, to connect to their
center, a chance to have amoment of silence, to hear your
thoughts, to be with yourself,to love on yourself, to practice
(40:14):
self-acceptance and to just sayI love the me that I am and I
love the me that I'm growinginto be.
And even though I have notgotten to that point yet, I am
(40:36):
still on the journey, and I saythat to myself a lot.
When I sit in meditation, Ioften pray and say thank you,
thank you for allowing me tohave the journey, to learn from
the journey and the opportunityto help other people grow into
(41:03):
their best versions ofthemselves, and that makes me
feel good, because then thatreminds me that my purpose is
bigger than me.
Purpose has nothing necessarilyto do with me feeling like I'm
(41:25):
better than the next person,because a lot of times, you know
, when we are in that feeling ofshame and feeling unworthy, for
me it feels good to think ofmyself as better than the next
person.
Like they're so stupid or theydon't know how to do this.
Right, I can do that and I'm sogood at this, and just having
(41:50):
this whole self-righteousattitude and when I get into
that I'm better than me, anyoneelse, like I'm the best ever.
I realized that I'm having somefeelings of not feeling good
enough right now and I need toshame someone else to feel good.
It's time for me to step backfor a second and to identify the
(42:11):
emotion that I'm feeling, andit doesn't necessarily happen in
that order.
You know what I'm saying.
Like I feel really good aboutthinking of myself as better,
and then I realized that I amnot happy, really, cause if I'm
so better, then why do I feellike crap?
(42:32):
You know?
Why am I beating myself up, youknow?
And then I'm like it's becauseyou're dealing with an emotion
that you don't like, that youwant to get rid of.
And it's easier to pick apartsomeone else's imperfection than
to look at yourself and say,hey, time out, what are you
(42:53):
feeling?
You got to accept it.
You got to accept the feelingand then you can move through it
.
You know, I'm not saying wallowin it, but I can accept it and
say, you know, I just right nowI just feel really frustrated
and unheard, like my voice isn't, doesn't matter at this moment,
(43:14):
and then I can really look atis that really what's happening?
Is this really the truth,what's really happening?
And sometimes I can immediatelyidentify it and sometimes it
takes a couple of days and Ihave to come back to it.
But just being in that space ofreflection and having that
(43:35):
practice of being able to sitwith myself daily in my
meditation and feel rooted andconnected allows me the
opportunity to self-reflect inthat way and to get to what it
is.
So if you don't have a spiritualpractice, if there's not
something that you do daily,even if it's asking yourself a
(43:56):
question every day like how do Iwant to show up today, even
that in itself is a way ofself-reflection.
And then you can also askyourself at the end of that day
you know, did I meet thatexpectation?
What can I do next time?
How did I show up?
Did I show up as my bestversion?
And if not, you know, was I atleast doing the best that I
(44:21):
could?
And if it's yes, then okay, youcan choose to have a good day.
It doesn't have to be the bestday ever, it doesn't have to be
the most joyous day ever, but itwas a good day and that's good
enough.
But it was a good day andthat's good enough.
(44:54):
They have played a part of mylife that.
It has also helped you to thinkabout some of the things that
you wanted to let go of and whatthat looked like.
And if you're still working onit, it's okay.
I don't think we ever just picka word and say let go, and at
the end of the year it'scompletely done, you're healed,
(45:15):
you're gone and you're on to thenext one.
It's a continuous thing, Ithink.
Last year I talked about beingpresent and I'm still always
working on being present, beingin the moment and as I move
through this journey of healingand purpose and finding you know
(45:39):
where I fit at and finding mybelonging and recognizing that
my worthiness does not come frombeing perfect, but just for
being me.
I hope that you understand thatyour worthiness also comes from
you just being your imperfectself and just choosing each and
(46:00):
every day to show up andremember.
Like I said before, you don'thave to be happy every day, but
you can choose to have a goodday.
If you love this episode and youfeel like this would be an
amazing episode for someone elseto listen to, please share it.
If you have a story you want toshare, hit me up.
(46:24):
I would love to hear your story, and I think that everyone has
a purpose in a story that canhelp the next person to heal.
You can also help the nextperson to understand that
they're not alone, and alwaysremember that your voice matters
.
All right, you guys.
That is all the tea that I haveto spill today, but join me
(46:46):
next time for more time for Teawith Makita.
Until next time, my friends,namaste.
When I speak of letting go, one thing that I
didn't realize was that itwasn't just about fear.
When I break down all theemotions that I feel and that I
felt and my vocabulary expandson emotions it's that there's
(00:23):
more to it than just fear andanger and happiness.
You know, there's sadness,there's frustration, there is
uncertainty, there's shame Likethere's just so many emotions.
Hey, there, I'm Makita, a smalltown girl with big dreams who
started a podcast with an oldheadset and a laptop at my
(00:45):
kitchen table and made my dreamscome true.
On my podcast, time for Teawith Makita, we chat about
living life unapologetically, onyour terms, from career advice,
entrepreneurship, relationshipsand everything in between.
This is your one-stop shop forreal conversations and
inspiration.
If you're looking forconnection, then you found it
(01:08):
here.
Join me every Tuesday as wedive into those sometimes hard
to have conversations.
So grab your cup of tea orcoffee and get comfy, because
this is time for Tea with Makita, and the tea is definitely hot.
Ever feel like you need asuperpower boost of motivation
with exclusive tips and toolswith your goals in mind?
(01:28):
Well, say hello to your newinspiration hotspot the Tuesday
Tea Newsletter, your weeklyinfusion of big thinking energy
that will propel you to chaseyour wildest dreams and never
shy away from using the power ofyour voice.
Sign up for the Tuesday TeaNews today at
beautifullyunbalancedcom andelevate your goals to the next
level.
(01:49):
Welcome back, it is definitelytime for some tea.
I'm your host, makita.
First of all, I just want tothank you so much for sharing
your time, your space and, ofcourse, your amazing energy with
me today.
So today's episode is going tobe a little different, because
this time I want to talk aboutthe journey, and I want to first
(02:13):
start by saying that in no wayam I an expert on life.
I am just like you.
I am still figuring life out.
No one is perfect.
We are all trying to not justdiscover what our purpose is and
(02:33):
to live in that truth, butwe're all trying to be the best
versions of ourselves and tolive life in a way that is true
to who we are.
That makes us proud and givesus purpose, and I hope, through
my stories and what I share,helps other people to feel seen,
(02:59):
to feel heard and to know thatyou're not alone in your journey
and to know that you're notalone in your journey.
Of course, each of our journeyslook and feel so different, but
we can all, at the same time,understand what that feeling is
like, the feeling of uncertainty.
We know what fear feels like.
We know what it feels like togo through a hard time, and we
(03:23):
also know what it feels likewhen someone holds space for us,
when someone accepts us for whowe are.
And in this space, I want youto know that it is definitely a
safe space for you to be yourunperfect self, your beautifully
unbalanced self, and to love onyourself in whatever way makes
(03:44):
you feel that coincides withyour beliefs.
So, with that being said, Iwant to start this off with a
quote by Alan Watts.
It says the only way to makesense out of change is to plunge
into it, move with it and jointhe dance.
(04:04):
And that is so true, for when,how I started this year off, I
had this great epiphany that myword for this year, the thing
that I would hold dear to me andthat I would strive to do is to
let go.
To let go of fear, to let go ofuncertainty, shame, doubt, all
(04:26):
of these things that tend tohold us back and keep us from
walking in our truth, to livinglife unapologetically, in a way
that supports who we are.
I didn't know that life wouldhave so many bumps, curve roads,
dead ends, and that I would gothrough so much in such a short
(04:53):
amount of time.
But I am not ungrateful for itNow.
I'm not going to lie At thetime that I was going through it
.
And sometimes you know like,just like life, everything kind
of hits you differently.
Sometimes when we think we'reover something, it kind of comes
(05:14):
back and we're like, oh, Ididn't really fully heal from
that.
You know, I accepted it but Ihaven't healed from it, and I
think that's a lot of times howwe all feel about certain things
in our life and we're goingthrough it.
But there are two big lessonsthat I learned this year.
One is that grief is hard.
(05:35):
It fucking sucks.
There's no way around it.
It sucks.
It doesn't matter whether it'sthe death of a loved one, a loss
of a friendship, a change in acareer that you thought you were
going to grow into andeventually retire from one day.
Whatever that loss is, griefsucks.
(06:00):
The second thing that I'velearned this year, when I talk
about letting go, is that shameis very crippling, and what I
didn't realize is that my senseof shame is attached to my
feeling of worthiness.
And when I speak of letting go,one thing that I didn't realize
(06:47):
it than just fear and anger andhappiness there's sadness,
there's frustration, there isuncertainty, there's shame,
there's just so.
And when I had the idea that Iwould really reflect and see
(07:11):
what it looks like for me to letgo, and I sort of kind of
challenged people around me togive me their definition of
letting go and, as you know, Ispoke to a lot of people on this
episode throughout this seasonof this podcast on what are some
(07:32):
things that they let go and howdid they overcome that let go
and what did it look like, wheredid they start and how did they
get there?
Like that was like the biggestthing, like what did you let go
of to transform into the personthat you are today.
And in the reflection of all ofthat, I had to come to terms
(07:55):
with some of the things that Ihad buried really deep that I
didn't necessarily want toconfront.
It's easy to confront, confrontthe surface layer stuff.
It's much harder to confrontthe stuff that's deep down and
rooted and makes us feel ickyand uncomfortable and just like
(08:17):
do I really want to go thereBecause sometimes once you open
that, you can't just bottle itback up Once it's out there,
it's out there and that's it.
You got to kind of wrestle withit.
You can ignore it, but it showsup in denial, it shows up in
frustration and anger andresentment.
(08:38):
It comes back.
So when we think about grief,grief is defined as this intense
sorrow or sadness that we feelwhen we lose someone or
something.
It's often associated withdeath but can also involve, like
I said, loss of relationships,career changes, health changes
(08:59):
and it's a natural response toloss.
And it can be complicated andthere's no time limit to grief,
which I think is so hard becauseyou know, when we're grieving
we just want to like I just wantto get on the other side of it.
You know I don't want to gothrough the process of the grief
.
You know I just want to get tothe place where I see other
(09:19):
people are at that have made itthrough grief.
Can I just get there and justkind of be done with it, because
it hurts too much to stay hereand move past it.
I don't want to stay in thatand grief is such a hard thing
to talk about Beginning of thisyear, when I was thinking about
(09:43):
my word and how I would use theidea of letting go.
I had no idea, like I said, Ihad no idea that it would even
bring up the idea of grief.
But I lost my best friend tometastatic breast cancer and we
wasn't prepared, we didn't evenknow, she didn't even know, and
(10:08):
it just hit us, you know, likeshe was having some back pain
that we thought, you know, it'sjust like.
You know we get older.
You know life happens.
We're not as young as we usedto be and you know she was just
like you know, just go to thechiropractor, you know.
Just.
You know, do therapy orsomething, and you know things
(10:30):
would get better.
And it didn't get better and itended up being a diagnosis of
guess what?
You have metastatic breastcancer that has spread and
within two weeks she had passedand it was hard and I don't
(10:52):
think death is ever easy.
But what happened was as I wasgoing through and dealing with
the loss and I realized therewas so much loss and grief
surrounding so many people, likeit just kind of opened up this
(11:14):
conversation for people to sharethat their loss, their grief,
to talk about their loved one.
And I remember my husbandtelling me we had went to the
store and I saw something.
I was like, oh my God, shewould love this, like this would
be something I would havebought her.
And she'd have been like, oh,let me pay you.
(11:34):
And I'm like, can't pay me,like it's a gift, get accepted.
And she would find some way to,you know, buy me coffee or do
something really nice for me toshow that she was appreciative.
Because she was just one ofthose people that if you did
something for her, it was in hernature to show gratitude.
(11:56):
She never took anything forgranted and I love that about
her.
And when she would do nicethings like you would not
necessarily know that she didsomething nice for people she
didn't brag about it.
She didn't tell you what shedone, she would just do it out
of the kindness of her heart.
(12:18):
And in that I was rememberingwhen I was telling my husband
like I would definitely get thisfor her, like she would have
loved this, and he was like youknow, and I said so much like
talking about her I was like, oh, I know you're probably tired.
He was like, no, that's how wekeep people alive.
You talk about her and youmention her name and you share
(12:40):
the stories, like, don't stopsharing the stories.
Share the stories, like, don'tstop sharing the stories.
And it was like giving mepermission to grieve her loss
out loud.
To talk about her was a processof grieving for me and I
realized that with my father Inever really grieved.
(13:02):
It's hard to talk about someoneyou don't know.
It's hard to long and misssomething that you never had.
And I say that because of this.
It made me realize that I'venever dealt with the idea that I
(13:22):
never knew my father.
He passed away when I was aninfant and I never liked to talk
about it.
Growing up, my mom would alwaysshare stories and made us feel
like we were really connectedand that we knew him.
But this idea that deep insideI was grieving, I was longing
(13:48):
for to see his face, to have amemory, to know what it felt
like to have him in my life, Ilonged for something that I
never had, that I never had.
(14:14):
That response of wanting thatso bad and knowing that it could
never happen was a sense ofloss and through that process of
that grief I was able to cometo terms with that and accept it
and to speak out loud that Ilong for that.
I'm always envious of peoplethat grew up with both their
(14:35):
parents, that have a father, andI'm always like you just don't
know what that means.
Like your father is alive, youcan hug him, touch him, call
them.
I don't know.
I make up stories in my headabout what it would be like and
what it would feel like and allthe things that I would say and
(14:59):
do, but I have no idea of whatthat really is.
So I get that somerelationships are strenuous and
it doesn't look like the fairytales on the TV shows, and I'm
okay with that too.
(15:20):
But the idea that I had startedthis journey with letting go it
doesn't mean I was letting go ofgrief.
That's not what I learned.
What I learned was that it wasokay to let my emotions about
(15:43):
grief, about my loss, that I wasokay to express it.
I could let go of all thosethings I was holding onto, all
these feelings of longing andwanting and just wishing that I
could speak those things out,that it was okay for me to share
(16:05):
my feelings.
I didn't have to bottle them upand pretend like it was okay,
like I normally did, but I couldexpress it and I was like, oh
my goodness, like this is whatit means to let go.
It's such a weight to say thesethings out loud and I didn't
(16:25):
really realize that I was inthat specific space of longing
until and I think I told thisstory before but we went to my
father's grave and it'ssomething that I don't do very
often.
But my mom called us and she waslike let's go put some flowers
(16:49):
on your father's grave forMemorial Day.
My dad served in the military,he was Army and not all of us
could come, because I havesiblings that live out of state
and it was like two days beforeMemorial Day, so everybody
necessarily not off or werecoming to town or whatever.
So three of my siblings thatlive close by, we all, we did,
(17:11):
we um, we got together and onthe way there my mom rode with
me and I'm not a very I'm notvery good at vulnerability.
You know this idea of beingopen with my emotions.
(17:31):
Almost to me it feels like aweakness, like, oh my gosh, I
don't want to show weakness.
I got to be strong.
I have to put on this front,even if it's not true.
As long as I can fake like I amokay and it's just, it'll be
okay.
(17:55):
And that's how I started thisride out with my mom and I just
remember my mom talking and shewas rambling and I'm like what
is she?
She's just rambling, tellingthese stories and all these
things.
I'm like what is she talkingabout?
And I realized that she wasfeeling the same thing, that I
was feeling this longing, thesense of loss, and that as we
(18:16):
got closer and closer, both ofour grief was there.
And I reach out and I grab herhand and I hold it in mine and
we didn't have to say anything.
(18:36):
But I said this is hard.
And she said, yes, this is hard.
He was the love of my life.
I will always miss him.
And I realized that all thosestories that she told us growing
up wasn't necessarily aboutsharing them with us.
You know, it was her way ofkeeping his memory alive, of
(18:57):
being close to him, of retaininga memory of him, because with
each story she told, she couldvisualize him what he was
wearing, probably, what hesmelled like, what he looked
like, his hair, his touch, hisfeel.
You know, those are the thingsthat I long for, that I wish I
(19:20):
had memory of but didn't.
But with each story she told,she was able to grieve and to be
vulnerable with her grief bysharing those stories with us.
And they wasn't Supermanstories or perfection stories.
She told whatever story came tomind.
(19:40):
That's one thing I like aboutmy mom she's very open and
honest and she's not going tosugarcoat it coded.
But I knew that with each storyI was like this is how she
dealt with that loss, this ishow she got through it.
(20:06):
And in that moment of me justholding her hand and saying this
is tough, this is hard, I wasgiving her permission to be
vulnerable and saying this istough, this is hard was given
her permission to be vulnerableand say this is a lot right now.
And there's so many emotionsthat I'm feeling.
The next thing that I learnedbecause if you're in the state
(20:29):
of loss, if you are, if you lostsomeone, if you lost a
relationship becauserelationships are tough too, you
know I remember ending afriendship with one of my
friends, one of my closestfriends, one of my closest
friends and, honestly, evenafter the friendship had ended,
(20:54):
I didn't truly accept it.
I felt like eventually, one ofus would pick up the phone and
we would call.
I'm a Capricorn, so I'mstubborn, so I was waiting for
the other person to do it, andso much time had passed do it,
(21:15):
and so much time had passed andI just realized that we had
grown into two entirelydifferent people and then, if
that relationship was trulyworth saving, we would have both
already reached out.
Some relationships are notnecessarily healthy.
Sometimes we trauma bond withpeople and the only thing that
holds us together is the trauma.
And once you grow and move pastthat trauma, you realize that
(21:38):
that relationship was onlyholding space for the worst part
of your life, not the best part, not the person that you are
trying to become, because no onewants to stay in that.
We all want to rebuild and growfrom it.
And one of the things that Irealized is that not all
(22:02):
relationships can be repairedand that it's okay for certain
people to be in our lives forcertain seasons and reasons.
It's not to say that they, youknow, didn't have a purpose.
They did.
Without that connection,without that relationship, I
(22:24):
don't think you get to the nextstep, because I truly believe
that everything serves a purpose.
Even the hard stuff serves apurpose and we learn so much
about ourselves when we startreflecting and looking back at
life and be like.
What did I learn from thatrelationship?
You know, what did it teach me?
(22:46):
And not just the bad things,but like the good things.
What did it teach me aboutmyself, about the person that I,
but like the good things?
What did it teach me aboutmyself, about the person that I
want to be, about staying trueto who I am, my values.
What did it teach me aboutsetting boundaries?
You know, and we talk about theloss and grief of career changes
.
We've all been in situationswhere we know people who have
(23:11):
put their whole life in a career.
They have a whole life in thisdegree and have to grieve the
loss that you lost your job, thecompany has made a change and
now you're being moved toanother place and you're like
but this is what I love to do,this is where I thought I was
(23:32):
going to retire from.
You know, who am I outside ofthis career?
Like who am I outside of this?
And that's a grief.
And that's grief, that's loss,because we have to think of
ourselves outside of our careersand sometimes we define
ourselves by what we do.
But the thing about titles is atitle can be taken.
(23:56):
Your true worth and yourpurpose in life cannot be taken
from you.
They can change titles all daylong, but it does not change who
you are as a person, andsometimes I think we kind of
forget that.
And it's easy sometimes toforget that.
(24:17):
Cs Lewis said that no one evertold me that grief felt so like
fear.
And I'm like, hell, yeah, thatis so true.
Grief is like fear.
It is crippling, debilitating.
We kind of freeze and we don'tknow what to do because no one
(24:41):
prepares us for grief.
No one prepares us for what itlooks like to be on the other
side to lose something, to be onthe other side to lose
something, right, we just don't.
No one ever says like, hey,this is how you get through
grief, because no one does itthe same and grief doesn't
(25:04):
always look the same, especiallywhen it's like our health.
I had surgery this year which,honestly, i'm'm like never
thought that would happen.
I've never had a surgery in mylife until now and I'm like, oh
my gosh, like who?
What is?
What does this new normal looklike?
Because now I got to startreally looking at my health and
(25:27):
taking care of myself.
And it was hard, it was tough.
Surgery is not fun, your newnormal is not fun.
And I just remember thinking tomyself like oh my gosh, I don't
want to have poor health, Idon't want to be the person
(25:49):
always at the doctor, I don'twant to have poor health, I
don't want to be the personalways at the doctor.
Like this is not how I envisionmy life.
Like how can I rebuild thisthing?
I mean, when we have healthchallenges, sometimes it can
take us out of work, sometimesit leads to surgery, sometimes
it leads us to a new normal.
Like it can be so debilitatingand there's a sense of loss that
(26:12):
comes with that, knowing thatwe can't do what we used to do,
you know.
But the biggest thing that Ilearned is that, even though we
are grieving something thatwe're not alone in it and the
(26:32):
more that we are able to expressthe feeling, the emotion that's
behind it, the easier it is forus to start identifying where
we're at and having open andhonest conversations and being
okay with being vulnerable aboutour feelings.
Not to say that you're evergoing to like being vulnerable
(26:55):
with your feelings.
I don't.
I just don't, because we'renever sure how people are going
to react when we start beingvulnerable, and there's always
this idea that someone's goingto be offended or think that we
are weak or just don't want todeal with it.
You know, it's like women thatcry and they're like I just
(27:18):
don't want to deal with womenthat's crying, like you know,
but we don't like to deal withit because then we have to admit
our own feelings and our ownvulnerability and for some
people that is very, very hard.
So, in this year of letting go,leaning into the grief, leaning
(27:44):
into the loss, accepting it,having conversations around it,
accepting it, havingconversations around it, being
vulnerable around it, has helped.
And when I think about that,I'm like I never thought that I
(28:15):
would be this person that couldtruly talk about this in a way
that brought me peace.
And there's no time limit ongrief.
Whether it's grief ofrelationship, loss of someone in
your life that meant everythingto you, that you loved with
your whole heart, whether it'shealth challenges or changes,
loss is loss.
And when we start letting go ofthe mindset that's associated
(28:39):
with this time limit on loss,there's no time limit.
And when I was talking aboutyeah, I just want to get to the
other side.
You know when you're on theother.
Yeah, I just want to get to theother side.
You know, when you're on theother side it still hurts.
You just learn to get up everyday with the hurt and you learn
(29:01):
to not close off the emotions,to be open.
And you know it's funny becausemy husband said something the
other day.
We were talking about happiness, choosing to be happy.
He said you know, you don'thave to be happy every day, but
you can choose to wake up everyday and say today's going to be
a good day.
It may not be the best day, butit can be a good day and you
(29:26):
can choose that.
And I was like you're right, Imay not be happy every day and I
don't have to pretend to behappy, but I can say today's
going to be a good day and Ilike that idea.
Good day, and I like that idea.
(29:46):
The second thing that I learnedfrom this whole journey of
letting go is that shame is verycrippling and I don't like it,
because what I learned was that,when it comes to shame, there's
this sense of worthiness,feeling unworthy, feeling
unloved, feeling like you don'tbelong.
Shame is defined as a powerfulemotion that arises from the
(30:10):
perception that we have donesomething wrong or that we are
inherently flawed.
And, unlike guilt, which isabout specific actions, and
unlike guilt, which is aboutspecific actions, shame is often
internalized as a negativejudgment of your worth, your
self-worth, and I'm just like,oh my gosh, when we talk about
(30:31):
self-worth and shame, wow, thatis so deep.
Because no one talks aboutshame, no one talks about what
it feels to not be belonging,because belonging is one of the
(30:55):
things that I think I held on tothe most when I thought about
shame and my self-worth.
And I think we all want to feellike we belong, right.
I think we all want to feellike we belong right.
We all want to feel like we'reloved and we're valued and we're
seen and we're heard.
And we have this sense of shamesometimes around, not feeling
good enough, not feeling worthyenough, not feeling like people
(31:17):
can love us or who would wannahear me speak, who would care
about what I say.
I need to put on all theselayers and be all these things.
I need to be superwoman overhere to get people to make me
feel belonging, to give me thatvalidation.
But the thing about that is itonly lasts for so long before
(31:37):
we're looking for another doseof affirmation from someone.
You know it's like constantlychasing the validation from
someone else.
And when I started to thinkabout, you know, shame and guilt
(31:58):
, I realized that I had thiswhole idea of who people wanted
me to be and that I had lived inthis space of pleasing people,
being the perfect person.
And I remember growing up as akid, I wanted to make my mom's
(32:20):
life easier.
So if I could be the perfectchild, if I could do all the
things that made it a littleeasier for her, then it would
give me this sense of perfection, because now I can be the
perfect daughter, I can do allthe perfect things.
(32:41):
You know, I won't fill up myglass with juice, you know, and
drink all the juice up.
Nope, I would get the perfectamount of juice and I would
drink all my juice and I wouldrinse my glass out and I would
do all the things to make it soeasy and I would be perfect.
Perfection does not exist.
I would be perfect.
(33:03):
Perfection does not exist andperfection is an illusion
because no one is perfect.
There is this study in theJournal of Social and Clinical
Psychology that found that shameis closely linked to mental
disorders, including depression,anxiety, eating disorders and
addiction, and that it can oftenlead to this shame spiral where
(33:23):
people feel more and moredisconnected from others.
Because then we get into thisidea of comparison right, we're
looking at other people andwe're like they got their shit
together.
You know, I remember like onthe days that I was off, like I
had this friend that would takeher kids to school so they would
have to ride the bus, and I'mlike what you actually do that
(33:47):
and they would stop and buybreakfast.
And I'm just like it takeseverything in me to get up.
You know, get everybody ready,like the school bus is like my
gift to have a moment of sanityby myself where I can just fall
apart if I need to without thekids being there.
And you want to add getting up,getting them ready, getting
(34:09):
them to the car, getting thembreakfast and dropping them off.
I'm like man, these parents areso great I can't do all of that
.
Like this is too much, like I'mjust trying to have a moment,
like I just want a day off whenI'm off.
I'm just trying to have amoment, like I just want a day
off when I'm off.
I'm off Because I'm going tohave to come when they get home,
I'm going to have to dohomework and dinner and all the
things.
And I remember feeling soguilty that I did not do this.
(34:32):
And then I was like you knowwhat that works for them?
It does not work for me.
Like there's so much thingshappening right here in my life
that you know it's okay if mykids catch the bus, you know
it's okay that I didn't takethem through the fast food line
(34:53):
to get them breakfast, likeit'll be fine.
You know, I did little otherlittle things, like I may have
brung lunch to school from theirfavorite place for them to eat,
you know.
But you know we shame ourselvesfor not being perfect, for not
living up to unrealisticexpectations that no one, no one
(35:15):
does, no one is perfect andthat we will not be loved if
we're not perfect, which is sonot true.
I read this quote by MeganDevine that says I'm sorry,
wrong person, but no, it was.
(35:36):
Let me see, I don't want to getit right here.
So Sylvia Rums said in her bookwhy Girls Fail there's a quote
that says shame arises when wecannot live up to our own
(35:57):
standards or those of society,but we need to learn how to rise
above it without the burden ofperfection.
And when I first started thisoff, I started out with a quote
by Alan Watts and we talkedabout the only way to make sense
out of change is to plunge intoit.
The only way to get throughshame is to plunge into it and
(36:21):
recognize it for what it is,because shame is the most
powerful master emotion.
It's the emotion thatunderlines all other emotions.
It's the fear that we are notgood enough, that we are not
(36:42):
good enough.
And John Bradshaw actuallyexplores this in his book
Healing the Shame that Binds you, where he explores this idea
that shame can be deeplyembedded feeling that affects
one's entire sense of identity.
I mean, just think of you knowour family dynamics and how
(37:11):
toxic shame can be andparalyzing and distorted it can
make our self-image.
And a lot of times our shame isrooted in childhood trauma,
dysfunctional family dynamics,and it also creates these
underlying wounds.
And that's how we really startto develop this self-comparison
(37:32):
ideas of looking in the windowat somebody else.
And my mom always says younever know what's going on
behind closed doors Before youlook at someone else's life and
think that they got their shittogether and that they're so
perfect and they're just livingthe American dream.
You don't know what their lifeis like when they go in that
house and shut that door.
And my mom used to say this allthe time as kids, and you know,
(37:53):
at first, you know I would belike what does she mean behind
closed doors, like what'shappening behind the door?
And I got older and I was likeI get it, because I'm sure lots
of people look at my life and belike, oh, she has her shit
together, like she's doing, andthey don't see the tears, they
(38:16):
don't see the struggles, theydon't see the shame, the grief,
they don't see none of it, theuncertainty.
You know all the struggles andthat's why I like to be as open
and transparent as possible,because normal life is perfect,
(38:40):
but it can be perfectly perfectfor you.
Perfectly unperfect, it's likeI say, like it can be
beautifully unbalanced in a waythat makes you happy, that lives
in your truth and that helpsyou to live your life
unapologetically, helps you tolive your life unapologetically.
(39:08):
And that's why, as I steppedinto this idea of living and
letting go this season of mylife, it brung up the two things
that healed me the most.
And we're all still healing,right.
We just don't wake up one dayand be like, oh my gosh, I'm
miraculously healed, I did it,I'm done.
No, it does not work that way.
(39:29):
Like I, have practices, and Ithink everyone should have some
form of practice in their lifespiritually.
A spiritual practice, notreligious, because, you know,
we're not all religious peopleand that's fine, we're all
different.
But I truly believe thateveryone should have a spiritual
(39:50):
practice, something thatgrounds them to their selves,
that gives them an opportunityto reflect, to connect to their
center, a chance to have amoment of silence, to hear your
thoughts, to be with yourself,to love on yourself, to practice
(40:14):
self-acceptance and to just sayI love the me that I am and I
love the me that I'm growinginto be.
And even though I have notgotten to that point yet, I am
(40:36):
still on the journey, and I saythat to myself a lot.
When I sit in meditation, Ioften pray and say thank you,
thank you for allowing me tohave the journey, to learn from
the journey and the opportunityto help other people grow into
(41:03):
their best versions ofthemselves, and that makes me
feel good, because then thatreminds me that my purpose is
bigger than me.
Purpose has nothing necessarilyto do with me feeling like I'm
(41:25):
better than the next person,because a lot of times, you know
, when we are in that feeling ofshame and feeling unworthy, for
me it feels good to think ofmyself as better than the next
person.
Like they're so stupid or theydon't know how to do this.
Right, I can do that and I'm sogood at this, and just having
(41:50):
this whole self-righteousattitude and when I get into
that I'm better than me, anyoneelse, like I'm the best ever.
I realized that I'm having somefeelings of not feeling good
enough right now and I need toshame someone else to feel good.
It's time for me to step backfor a second and to identify the
(42:11):
emotion that I'm feeling, andit doesn't necessarily happen in
that order.
You know what I'm saying.
Like I feel really good aboutthinking of myself as better,
and then I realized that I amnot happy, really, cause if I'm
so better, then why do I feellike crap?
(42:32):
You know?
Why am I beating myself up, youknow?
And then I'm like it's becauseyou're dealing with an emotion
that you don't like, that youwant to get rid of.
And it's easier to pick apartsomeone else's imperfection than
to look at yourself and say,hey, time out, what are you
(42:53):
feeling?
You got to accept it.
You got to accept the feelingand then you can move through it
.
You know, I'm not saying wallowin it, but I can accept it and
say, you know, I just right nowI just feel really frustrated
and unheard, like my voice isn't, doesn't matter at this moment,
(43:14):
and then I can really look atis that really what's happening?
Is this really the truth,what's really happening?
And sometimes I can immediatelyidentify it and sometimes it
takes a couple of days and Ihave to come back to it.
But just being in that space ofreflection and having that
(43:35):
practice of being able to sitwith myself daily in my
meditation and feel rooted andconnected allows me the
opportunity to self-reflect inthat way and to get to what it
is.
So if you don't have a spiritualpractice, if there's not
something that you do daily,even if it's asking yourself a
(43:56):
question every day like how do Iwant to show up today, even
that in itself is a way ofself-reflection.
And then you can also askyourself at the end of that day
you know, did I meet thatexpectation?
What can I do next time?
How did I show up?
Did I show up as my bestversion?
And if not, you know, was I atleast doing the best that I
(44:21):
could?
And if it's yes, then okay, youcan choose to have a good day.
It doesn't have to be the bestday ever, it doesn't have to be
the most joyous day ever, but itwas a good day and that's good
enough.
But it was a good day andthat's good enough.
(44:54):
They have played a part of mylife that.
It has also helped you to thinkabout some of the things that
you wanted to let go of and whatthat looked like.
And if you're still working onit, it's okay.
I don't think we ever just picka word and say let go, and at
the end of the year it'scompletely done, you're healed,
(45:15):
you're gone and you're on to thenext one.
It's a continuous thing, Ithink.
Last year I talked about beingpresent and I'm still always
working on being present, beingin the moment and as I move
through this journey of healingand purpose and finding you know
(45:39):
where I fit at and finding mybelonging and recognizing that
my worthiness does not come frombeing perfect, but just for
being me.
I hope that you understand thatyour worthiness also comes from
you just being your imperfectself and just choosing each and
(46:00):
every day to show up andremember.
Like I said before, you don'thave to be happy every day, but
you can choose to have a goodday.
If you love this episode and youfeel like this would be an
amazing episode for someone elseto listen to, please share it.
If you have a story you want toshare, hit me up.
(46:24):
I would love to hear your story, and I think that everyone has
a purpose in a story that canhelp the next person to heal.
You can also help the nextperson to understand that
they're not alone, and alwaysremember that your voice matters
.
All right, you guys.
That is all the tea that I haveto spill today, but join me
(46:46):
next time for more time for Teawith Makita.
Until next time, my friends,namaste.
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