March 4, 2025 • 46 mins
The episode delves into the comedic complexities of intimacy in long-term relationships, including the impact of parenting and aging on sexual desires. With lighthearted discussions, the hosts tackle topics such as masturbation, sex frequency negotiations, and the unique struggles couples face as they navigate marriage and parenthood.
• Honest reflections on marriage and sexual needs
• The significance of open communication
• Navigating the complexities of intimacy with children
• The humorous realities of childbirth experiences
• Emphasizing the importance of patience and understanding in relationships
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Chris (00:00):
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Jay (00:34):
I thought you were going to say do you physically jerk off?
Did you say do you physicallyjournal?
Do you physically jerk off ordo you mentally jerk off?
You know, I just had thisconversation with my wife like
three days ago, mentally orphysically jerking off she's.
Tony (00:52):
She said something, so we got in a fight a couple weeks
ago, right?
Chris (00:58):
was it okay.
So you've only been married for20 years and only been together
for 38 of them right so I wouldassume you have more than just
this is your first fight
Tony (01:11):
in like what time period this is the first time I ever
stop touching the record.
This is the first time I'veever actually yelled at her yeah
, I thought it is.
Jay (01:23):
I thought you punched her and pushed her down the stairs
one time never.
Tony (01:26):
She asked me to one time.
Jay (01:28):
I told her no to which one punch or push down the stairs.
Tony (01:33):
Punch her down the stairs well, she's pregnant at the time
give me a quick jab to thefucking kidneys.
I'm gonna stand at the top ofthe stairs back to the steps I
need you to drop, kick me.
But no, in all seriousness, I,I had a discussion with her.
(01:55):
Uh, because now it's adiscussion.
Yeah, I, I didn't actually yell, but I was pretty passionate
about it and I said you know,I'm in my 40s now and I don't
know how things work, but Iassume I only got like 10 good
glory days, 10 good years leftwith, you know, a rock hard cock
(02:17):
.
I don't know how it works.
I think in your 50s it juststops.
Chris (02:22):
I know I try to use that line too.
It didn't work on my end.
I can't wait.
Tony (02:26):
Okay, go on and uh, I said I'll be damned if I spend the
next 10 years only using thisthing once a week.
Chris (02:38):
All the hours later, you're gonna get a break but now
wait, you're.
Tony (02:42):
You're once a week oh, I mean slow dude.
When we used to get together,tony was like once an hour.
Chris (02:49):
His wife would come in here.
Tony (02:50):
We'd have to wait 30 minutes yeah, just to make
things easier, she used to blowme under the desk so I can
continue to talk, but uh, it'sreally awkward.
No, I said you know, like oncea week like I'm I'm not having
it.
It's got to be more than that.
I got needs and she brought up.
She's like why don't you justlike how many times a week do
(03:14):
you jerk off?
Jay (03:15):
why don't you?
Tony (03:15):
just masturbate more, and I was thinking about it.
I go years without jerking offand that's probably why, when I
don't get sex for a whole week,I get so fucking angry.
All your juice, I'm like she'sprobably right, like I should
just like.
(03:35):
Oh, it's been two days.
Chris (03:37):
Don't let her trick you into that shit but I refuse
you're one of the luckier ones,tony.
You don't know what you'regonna lose if you give in.
You're one of the luckier ones,tony.
You don't know what you'regoing to lose if you give in.
You're one of the ones thatpeople are like oh dang dog, I'm
just fucking around.
Tony (03:56):
I told her, four times a week is the acceptable amount.
Four times, four times a week,I mean that's basically an every
other day schedule.
Chris (04:04):
She's 40?
Tony (04:04):
that's basically an every other day schedule.
She's 40 it's basically onlyevery other day and it's not
like it's not like it's a bigtime sucker anything.
I mean I could get in and outin a minute or two she's, you
know, she's 40 right, yeah, 40yet oh no, she is 40, she's okay
.
So you want to?
Jay (04:22):
you want to go by every decade.
Uh, add it to a week weekly.
So every decade you do fourtimes a week for every decade of
your life, right?
So when she's 50, you're gonnaadd another five a week five.
Tony (04:36):
Well that hopefully the kids are crusting leaving the
house by then.
Do you ever get you?
Jay (04:43):
ever get.
You don't feel like doing it Me?
Yeah, no, you always feel likedoing it.
Just let you walk around with aboner.
Chris (04:50):
Yeah.
Tony (04:52):
I can get hard.
Chris (04:54):
Like that.
Good pickup on this snap dude.
He's like watch this.
Jay (05:01):
And it's off Interesting.
Tony (05:03):
I would like to see this, but not really, but I think I
think me pushing for four timesa week is completely fair and
you best not ask her to ask herfriends.
Chris (05:16):
Don't ask her friends I will settle she takes a poll.
You're fucking done.
Tony (05:21):
I'll see this is like a negotiation thing, right?
Because right now it's at one.
I'm pushing for four and we'regonna close the deal around two
and a half that's like a onceevery three day thing, so so the
.
There's gonna be like there'stwo sex, one blow job, and I'm
gonna be like, oh, that's that'sthe half gonna do it.
Jay (05:41):
The half is the blow job.
I thought maybe the half wasjust like you got a couple
minutes and then, if you don't,go, you don't go.
Chris (05:47):
No, it's like an over-under.
You got to wait until next week.
I guess that's how it fuckingworks.
Jay (05:53):
Here's your timer.
You got an egg timer.
You turn the dial.
Tony (05:57):
She's going to on the 30th every month playing catch up.
Jay (06:09):
Shit got two strikes left, all right.
So you have, uh, a broom with alocked door, which I don't, so
that's a lot easier for you toto maintain that four, four
times a week you're telling methat the reason you're not
having sex with your wife fourtimes a week is because you
don't have a lock on your door,yeah I don't used to have one on
their bathroom, but they tookit off, so now there's just a
hole.
Chris (06:27):
The cats who tenant in there got upset.
Tony (06:30):
Yeah, that was so they could feed the cats.
They just took the handle off.
And poor food.
I don't even have a door.
Jay (06:37):
I don't even have a door.
And the kids they like to tryto scare you at nighttime so
they're hiding out of the bedaround the corner.
So you know.
Chris (06:46):
You don't even know if one of the children are even
upstairs when you walk up therehas every one of your children
walked in and seen you?
Jay (06:54):
oh fuck to god, not, I mean , if they did, maybe they ran
away, I don't know if they did,maybe they would stop trying to
see what the hell is going on inthere.
Tony (07:04):
I should let him see my ass hanging out Just see Jay's
hairy ass going to work.
Yes.
Chris (07:10):
Yes, they will never Violating those kids' mothers.
Most of your kids are oldenough for that.
Jay (07:16):
So basically they won't look again.
You want me to dramatize themmentally?
Tony (07:20):
No, I don't want to do anything.
What did I say?
Jay (07:25):
Dramatize them.
Let's take away the D and add aT to that then.
Chris (07:28):
Dramatize I'm dramatizing the situation.
Yeah, I'm dramatizing it, butyeah.
Gotcha, it's not because of.
Tony (07:41):
Just do like I do Get a sheet, poke a hole in it.
Jay (07:48):
Then nobody's got to see nothing.
Get a lock well, you need adoor to fucking have a lock, bro
.
Tony (07:53):
You got a parking garage you could go in if you need to
with uh 60 other people withtheir cars downstairs.
Jay (07:59):
Yeah, I'll see.
I see like they ain't neverseen somebody fucking before.
Also I seen.
I've seen a grandma walk past.
It's pushing a grocery cart.
Tony (08:06):
She'll probably cheer you on.
Chris (08:08):
Or hey, how about this?
Why don't you move into thefucking master bedroom?
Jay (08:12):
Oh, I can't.
You know I don't trust the kidsupstairs.
They'd be doing fucking bellyflops off the fucking.
They'd be jumping off.
Tony (08:20):
Here's an idea send the kids up to your room and go fuck
it in their room.
Jay (08:23):
this is so gross, couldn't do that.
Bunk beds no, they don't work.
Good for fucking.
You want to do it on the topbunk or bottom bunk?
Chris (08:34):
yeah, how do you guys?
Tony (08:37):
never mind, you need a bed to have sex.
Jay (08:40):
You fucking weirdo well, listen to me.
I proposed putting barbed wirein an electrical fence.
Chris (08:48):
Now you're talking.
Jay (08:50):
But that costs money and no one wants to invest in that.
Tony (08:53):
Here's what you do.
You take all your old cookiesheets, you gather them all up?
Jay (09:00):
How did you have more than one cookie sheet?
Tony (09:03):
You would collect them.
We got four different sizes,two of each like a normal human.
All right, let me hear whatyou're gonna say, but it's a
little extravagant.
Jay (09:11):
You, you put them hanging half over, just so they're about
to fall on the steps whenthey're walking up the stairs,
it slaps them in the face orjust makes noise, so it falls
down, that's.
Chris (09:22):
It's basically like a doorbell for your steps have you
ever seen the movie home alone,where he tricks up the robbers
and gets them all hurt whilethey try to come up the stairs
for example, I'm gonna put somepaint, paint cans with string
attached there's a scene in homealone where the two bad guys
are like trying to to come intoplace and they're sliding on
(09:47):
some jelly that's on the groundand that's become a new Diddy
meme on the internet.
The Home.
Tony (09:55):
Alone guys fucking sliding in the entryway of the house.
Jay (09:59):
Is that Home Alone 2?
Tony (10:00):
Because it's ice they're sliding on in Home Alone 1.
No, this is in the in the entry, the foyer I have no idea.
The house, okay, but uh, yeah,so I don't know where I was
going, why this conversation waseven brought up.
Chris (10:15):
Yeah, you were talking about a top shelf in your wife
four times a week.
Jay (10:20):
Oh, and then good name for that.
Chris (10:22):
Yeah or four, yeah, four times a week.
Did you know you're gonnareport back this whole story,
this whole?
Tony (10:29):
story was brought up because, uh, yeah, in her
rebuttal to that she was askinghow many times a jerk in a week?
And the answer is at most likeonce a year, and that is and I'm
not even the one doing it, it'susually her once an hour.
Jay (10:45):
Yeah, like I, yeah he really he was outside not doing
his.
He was jerking off outside whenhe went to for a break well, I
know.
Tony (10:56):
That's why he closes the door when he goes into the
bathroom.
Chris (10:58):
I don't even need it to be hard.
Tony (11:00):
Yeah, you're talking like I can't play with this fucking
flappy little thing Twirl in awet noodle.
Jay (11:13):
What are you doing?
So what are you doing?
It is not fully hard, you justpull it out really far, if I
told you it wouldn't bemasturbation anymore.
Chris (11:22):
You wanted to join in, so I can't share.
I just rub it on the wall.
Yeah, silent, hump, or whatever.
The mental, mental base, themental masturbation is that what
you were calling it?
Jay (11:38):
yeah, mental masturbation instead of physical masturbation
.
Um, that's usually a wet dream,but I've never had one in my
life, so I couldn't tell you Ihad a wet dream.
Tony (11:51):
Once Turns out it was just piss.
I thought I could make itthrough that Without laughing.
I couldn't.
Jay (12:02):
That's funny.
You had that ready to go Forprobably like a minute and he
was just waiting to say it, butevery time he tried to start
saying it he started giggling.
So he finally got the courage,had that ready to go for
probably like a minute and hewas just waiting to say it, but
he every time he tried to startsaying it he started giggling so
he finally got the courage toget it all out just waiting for
it to come up organically inconversation.
You did a great job.
You didn't giggle at all, yougot.
You got through the wholeentire thing without laughing,
(12:24):
until the end.
Tony (12:25):
I feel like I'm in eighth grade right now yeah, hey, can
you toss me a note?
Jay (12:31):
yes or no question?
Tony (12:34):
but uh, yeah.
So apparently you guys didn'thave anything to add to the
masturbation topic, so yeah, Idon't know how many times how
many times a week?
Jay (12:42):
you fucking be honest um, I'll answer that in a second,
but I think I'm not going toanswer the question either.
I think that Are you guys notputting good?
Chris (12:53):
numbers on the board, because if you're putting decent
numbers, I'm not putting Idon't feel the need to comment
in any which way that you mightwant to try to get a comment.
Tony (13:02):
So welcome to Tony's podcast, where Tony is the only
one who shares.
What's the name of it?
Chris (13:09):
going to be no, we get some banging done.
Jay (13:13):
No, there's definitely once a week.
Yeah, sure, Maybe sometimesonce a month.
It depends on the situation.
You know people are sickAllergy season right now.
You don't want anybody sniffingin your face.
Chris (13:26):
I got slammed with the Wait, wait what I got.
We can't do it this weekbecause of the lady things.
You know the friends in town.
Jay (13:36):
Who the fuck would ever do that with Flo, would you?
I mean, tony's a nasty ass,doesn't he?
Tony (13:42):
I do not, actually I won't even be in the same room with
her that week.
I won't comment on that either.
Jay (13:47):
So is that what the next week?
Then you add another two tothis equation because you're
backed up, Because you'resupposed to do four a week.
Tony (13:54):
No, it's.
A monthly average of 16 is whatI'm actually looking for.
Chris (13:58):
It's best to put it out into a month.
You're asking us to go weekly.
Tony (14:02):
Like five-week months.
She has it easy.
But February comes around,she's got some work to do.
Chris (14:10):
What are you saying, chris?
So we're not wanting to haveanother kid for right now, or
probably ever, right?
I didn't think you'd ever.
Even Katie is for sure not.
We might adopt a kid later, butJust stick with the dogs.
I digress yeah, you don't feelbad when you got to get later,
but Just stick with the dogs.
I digress.
Tony (14:29):
yeah, you don't feel bad when you got to get rid of them
from pissing in the house.
Chris (14:36):
Ah damn, dog, shit, again Call Maddox.
Tony (14:39):
You can't do that shit with a kid.
Chris (14:41):
I told that kid if he went through eight diapers today
, he was done for.
Jay (14:46):
Maybe he can get back after he peed in the house.
You never know.
Chris (14:50):
Someone's wrong with this kid.
I got the line we can't do itthis week because I'm a fertile
young woman here Shark week andthen another period of time
where she can most likely becomepregnant according to some
fucking calendar.
So she won't do it then.
(15:10):
So she was saying I'm not gonnado it that in case something
were to happen you don't pullout you promised to pull out
though, right, yeah, right.
Tony (15:20):
I swear to god, I'll get most of it on your back, yeah I
mean we do that, yeah, so we gotour ways.
Jay (15:29):
Chris is so uncool.
Chris (15:31):
Yeah, we do that Well she's not here to talk so I
don't want to put she don'tlisten to this shit.
Jay (15:36):
I put a lot of things in her mouth.
Chris (15:37):
I don't want the words to be one of them.
Jay (15:38):
How about that?
Wait?
What did you put in her mouth?
Chris (15:42):
So, yeah, that didn't last.
I was like what have you ever?
Jay (15:50):
gotten that shit.
Well, I'm I'm too likely to getpregnant to bang right.
No, I never had that one.
Chris (15:52):
No, and it happens so much it it's so much happens
that that's the same timethey're super horny as well.
Jay (16:01):
The only time she can't get pregnant is when she's bleeding
and you won't touch her gross,okay now that's one thing that
uh, a lot of guys would saydon't or do discuss them to say
that or hear that I know lots ofpeople that don't care and I in
the least bit I don't careabout blood.
(16:23):
Blood does not bother me, butwhere having it touch me does
where the blood is coming fromdoes bother me.
Chris (16:29):
I don't care about it, but I also don't I care, I don't
know how to say this.
I'm not doing it I don't care,I like I have.
I'm not gonna be telling ithasn't ever happened I don't
think it's normal blood either.
Jay (16:44):
I don't think it's normal blood either.
Tony (16:45):
I don't think it's normal blood.
No, there's egg wall shedding.
Yeah, it's like lumpy blood.
Chris (16:53):
This isn't like you got this bite on your arm and you
scratched it too many times andit scabbed and then one day you
pick this scab and a littleblood came out.
It's not the same as that.
Tony (17:02):
And you know the thing is too, is it's like I don't know.
I would just assume it hurtsmore like if I had a fucking
open gash on no, my back andsomebody stuck a dick in it it
would hurt really bad, maybethat, but I've heard at all.
Jay (17:18):
I've heard, I've heard that the women get more horny.
Tony (17:21):
No, it's like that point it's like talladega knights when
he stabs himself in the leg andhe shoves the other knife in to
get the stuck knife out.
I imagine that's what it's likelike shoving a knife into an
open wound.
Chris (17:34):
I just there's there's just too much wrong with it.
Cram another knife in there.
What does he say?
Jay (17:42):
it's jammed in there.
Tony (17:44):
It's peened in there I'll use this knife to get it out.
It's all wedged in there.
That's what it is, but uh, yeah, there's no, there's no chance,
no chance of what of uh doingit when they're yeah, why does
it?
Chris (18:01):
I don't actually care, but for the viewers, listeners
at home, why not?
What does it fucking matter?
Jay (18:06):
all right.
Well, my brother asked me thisquestion a lot.
He's like you ever had your.
You don't got your red, was itred?
Tony (18:13):
red wings like motherfucker.
Jay (18:15):
What the hell is wrong with you?
Chris (18:17):
no, wonder you're not.
I'm not eating.
I'm not exactly looking to eatout at the live.
I don't care if I dip my friesright.
Is that what it says?
Tony (18:27):
yeah, I'll stick with my clear wings holy shit, that's
good that's eating pussy, not ona period yeah, I'm not doing
that have uh, has your ladiesever tried to trick you?
Chris (18:43):
I don't know, I don't think so come in the shower.
Shower, I've gotten that.
Jay (18:47):
No, fuck no, no, why does it gross you out so?
Chris (18:50):
much it's gross?
I don't think it's gross.
Tony (18:53):
Try to get it and then tell you well, it's just light,
it's light Because it is, it'shit or miss.
You won't even see anything.
Oh, they do.
Jay (19:04):
Oh fuck, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Chris (19:08):
Why does it gross?
Can you All right Time out Can?
You say the word vagina.
Jay (19:15):
Vagina.
That was close enough, allright, so I know what you had as
a period, because I see theboxes out.
Chris (19:23):
The boxes are all over the place.
I can smell it like a fuckingwolf in the full moon.
Man, what do you mean?
You can see the boxes out.
Jay (19:30):
She.
Just all of a sudden, you'rewalking through the house and
all of a sudden there's afucking box, kitchen, counter,
couch and table.
Tony (19:38):
She's shaking that crammer everywhere Heavy duty load.
Jay (19:42):
Okay, so you don't have doors or cabinet doors, either
in your house.
When he comes?
Got to be ready.
Yeah, it's like a grenade.
You got to find that grenadepole, don't you just?
Chris (19:52):
buy like a.
I have like 156 of them andthen a fucking rack going
through the hall like you.
Just there's a cabinet and shegoes, you do get some.
Jay (20:02):
Well, not for me.
Do you have to put quarters into get them out?
Yeah, you got a vending machine, right?
Tony (20:09):
right on the back of the bathroom door.
Jay (20:11):
I'm pretty cheap chris is like hey, you don't got quarters
, you ain't fucking.
You better roll up a t-shirt.
Yeah, you better find anotherway, this ain't working.
Chris (20:22):
I guess I have no idea how it actually works well you
know, I've never had to buy him.
Jay (20:27):
I I know by the color of the box if it's going to be a
heavier light flow in there andtherefore it's.
It's about how angry she willbe because you know, I think the
the different colors darkercolors and she's going to be
more mad.
Tony (20:39):
I don't think that that bad attitude on your period's a
real thing.
That is just a cop out dude.
Chris (20:44):
No, that is a real thing I know right away when she has
her.
You know this is an unpopular.
You just said you need.
You know this is an unpopular.
Tony (20:50):
You just said you need the box.
Chris (20:51):
Well, okay.
Tony (20:54):
This is an unpopular opinion, but I think they use
the bad attitude all the timeand blame it on their period,
the same way that they talkabout how hard childbirth is.
Chris (21:05):
God Tony.
Tony (21:06):
I'm.
Chris (21:06):
Come on, you can't sit in a room with three guys here and
try to have a podcast and justtalk like we know how it is to
be a woman.
All right, go on, go on.
Jay (21:18):
As a kid I always remember thinking to myself that I'm so
happy I'm a man, I don't have togive, I don't have the fucking
giant thing coming out of myasshole, or whatever.
It would definitely be, moredifficult to be a woman but if
you think I have these weirdthoughts of like when you have a
really bad shit and you compareit to like you're like while I
(21:40):
was a real taint splitter.
Whatever you were gettinggiving birth, but like taking
this shit and times it at myfive oh my god, no, I watched my
kid come out of my wife's.
Chris (21:53):
Oh me too, both of them well, you that's why you only
had one.
Jay (21:57):
You're like holy, this ain't doing this again fuck like
you're.
Chris (22:02):
You've got to imagine the woman's entire body like
disconnects and like folds openlike the frog we're like nine
people in the room.
Tony (22:12):
Yeah, I swear to god, I did not have a bunch dude for
real.
Chris (22:16):
They asked her.
She's like do you mind if wehave a bunch of the students
come in from the medical college?
They're here, uh, they just sitin the background, they'll be
writing notes.
They might ask some questionsof the doctor katie's like yeah,
bring them in she was likeliterally 14 people, yeah, in
the background, plus the four orfive doing the job so you see,
(22:40):
here how the head's crowning thedoctor's pointing so out of the
vagina jay, yeah, so when mywife was about to have our first
kid, we're sitting in thehospital bed.
Tony (22:57):
She shit all over.
No, she didn't.
Actually I was reallydisappointed about it, like I
heard it was going to happen andit didn't.
There with this little flipcamera and she was in labor for
like three days and I was likegoing to get her mexican food
and all kinds of stuff are youseriously about the three days?
Chris (23:16):
yeah, it's gonna be dude, I'm like oh, I'm like girl.
Tony (23:22):
Eat all your beans and rice.
Eat all the beans and rice.
Just just eat it up because thehospital food, you don't know
what you're gonna get later Ibrought her chili, I brought her
all my god, all the triggersand fucking nothing, not even a
little squirt, not even a fart.
But uh, when she was justsitting there waiting and she
(23:44):
was whatever I don't knowmedical terms, but dil dilated
at two, sure yeah.
Yeah whatever, and the nurseruns up and just you know, all
fucking cold as ice, no candles,nothing, just jams two fingers
right up there.
Chris (24:02):
Let's see what's going on in there.
Tony (24:04):
She's like his head's right there, so are you watching
this.
Yeah, no, I was in the roomYou're watching the fingers.
Jay (24:12):
You're watching the fingers .
You're watching the vagina.
Tony (24:14):
Yeah, vagina, and she went at a different angle than I
normally go in, so I changed mygame completely.
Chris (24:22):
You want to give her that child birthing type of orgasm.
Tony (24:28):
I'm like hold on Fingertips up.
Damn dude.
I was going fingertips down allthese years, no wonder.
Jay (24:36):
And you use your thumb to find the beginning point.
Tony (24:39):
Yeah, I told the nurse.
I'm like put your thumb in herass.
She's like sad.
Chris (24:45):
Just rub it along a little bit and then bloop.
Tony (24:50):
But the nurse is like oh, oh, his little head's right
there and I just it was theweirdest thing I've ever had to
ask somebody.
But I'm like I said to thenurse, I go do you?
Think I do you think I couldtouch his head?
Jay (25:06):
oh god you didn't.
Tony (25:07):
Uh, you're a fucking liar.
And uh, she goes.
Actually that's more of aquestion for your wife than it
is for me and my wife goes.
I don't fucking care.
So I tell chase, all the time Igot to play with his hair
before he was born, it's prettylegit, okay.
Chris (25:27):
Uh, I was pretty sure the doctor was like trying to pull
this head out, like, like youimagine, uh, yeah, like your
chiropractor taking a hike, likebehind a quarterback, being the
quarterback taking a hike, andhe's he's rubbing around
underneath there and he's like Iswear he licked his hand a
little bit to get it.
Tony (25:47):
Put it back in there to like.
Sometimes that's all it needs.
I swear like a Drew.
Chris (25:51):
Brees lick like he licks his hands every 20 seconds ready
for the kid to come out,bluetooth and he just went in
there and he went.
Oh yeah, and the people thatcame in, this is the best.
She's okay with me saying thisstory.
I'm pretty sure the people inthe back.
Tony (26:12):
She's not here.
Chris (26:15):
They, as Claire was coming out, squirt a little bit
of the fluids come squirting outand literally the people had to
dodge out of the way.
It went right over the doctor,right into the row of people in
the back.
Jay (26:28):
Oh, we're used to this, Right into the row of people in
the back.
Oh, we're used to this, we'regreat Dodgers.
Tony (26:32):
Fluids coming out of vaginas.
Everybody in the room had onfucking ponchos like a Gallagher
show, yeah.
Jay (26:43):
You all want to watch me smash them, so I have the most
kids out of all of you, okay.
Tony (26:46):
True, you actually have as many kids as both of us
combined.
Great, math.
Jay (26:53):
I want to see this math.
Chris (26:55):
Up to three.
Jay (26:56):
Beautiful and all of our, my kids, were cesarean, cesarean
C-sections, and I never evenlooked at that.
No way, I don't know, can't,couldn't.
I never even looked at that.
No way, I don't know, can't,couldn't.
The doctor even asked me everytime I'm behind.
Actually, the first time Iwasn't there because it was an
(27:16):
emergency.
I didn't even get to thehospital in time.
The other two was planned andor I was ready for I mean they
put me in a hazmat suit.
Tony (27:26):
I mean they called you and you're like I'm not leaving
Qdoba for this shit.
Chris (27:33):
I'm mid burrito right now .
You expect me to leave thisqueso with no chop.
Jay (27:35):
You want my barbacoa to get cold I have to manage this
store right now what do you wantme to do?
Tony (27:42):
I didn't even take into consideration that you were
working.
I, just, like you, were justsitting in the qdoba eating.
Jay (27:48):
Oh, got gotcha.
Yeah, you know I don't eat at aQdoba, but yeah, sure, Okay,
you can think that.
So I got in the.
They put you in a hazmat suit,like literally head to toe, so
you don't get germs in there,and it's fucking freezing and
cold.
And then they do it quicklyJason, they're clipping his
nails.
Tony (28:05):
What.
Chris (28:12):
Well, if you want them to take a long time, it's like an
oil change open the cap, let thefucking oil out, fill it up and
shut it.
Jay (28:14):
The fuck up.
Pretty sure, yeah, I mean, atthis point, at the third one, I
was, I was ready to go.
I knew exactly what they'redoing.
I'm like, okay, he's gonna grab, grab the scalpel.
Next part the next nurse isgonna come and she's gonna get
some gauze ready to, you know,for the blood, getting
everything ready.
The one's gonna take thefreaking thing that opens them
up, stretches it out, and I knowit's not even looking.
I just know their next toolthey're going to grab, since
(28:35):
I've been through it so manytimes but again, I still have
not looked and I will not look,I never would look, and I'm not
even curious to find out how ithappens so you know when, when a
woman has a baby, naturally Ithink that would be worse from
the vagina if the father choosesto show up to the birth, which
(28:57):
apparently is not a super commonthing.
Tony (29:01):
Uh, I was told by my doctor that probably 80 of women
have their children with justtheir mother in the room well, I
mean, nowadays guys are pussies, right but the first thing they
do is they hand you a scissorsand they tell you to cut the
umbilical cord.
Jay (29:16):
Yeah, I didn't want to, I didn't do that he bites it like
the cone heads.
Tony (29:21):
So there there was a whole big ordeal with my childbirth
and I was a little bit bitter,so I refuse to do it from a
financial standpoint but, I'llget in that in a second.
But like when you have ac-section and the father's there
, do they ask you?
Yes, like yeah, they asked that.
They asked every time.
(29:42):
Do you want to grab the scalpel?
Jay (29:44):
make the first cut nothing like that, not that you want to
get in there I thought you meantthe bilko card part.
Yes, they have that shit.
Hold the skin flap, oh God.
No, they do ask would you liketo come over?
We have a spot for you,Perfectly bright.
See everything.
No, go behind her head.
Tony (30:03):
Just keep the curtain up.
Keep the curtain up, don't fuckwith me.
Here's the deal with uh, withmy childbirth and I basically, I
basically did all the work,like when you're giving, when my
child was born you're gonnatell me the story of your
experience when you were born.
(30:25):
So I I worked in the union andI had this amazing insurance
right.
It was like every time you wentto the doctor they cut you a
check back.
The insurance is so good.
Chris (30:39):
I'm about to get paid.
Thanks for coming in, sir.
Here's your payment for theweekend.
Jay (30:45):
And Tony sneezes at work.
He's like, oh shit guys.
Chris (30:48):
I got to go to the doctor .
Tony sneezes at work.
Jay (30:49):
He's like oh shit guys.
I got to go to the doctor but Igot to make an appointment for
today.
They usually get me in if I getwithin two hours, but you know
we tried having a kid for like10 years with no luck.
Well, you got to put it in thevagina instead of the butt.
Chris (31:13):
Yeah, he's got more than us.
Tony (31:15):
He knows.
Yeah, I mean Michelle waspretty naive when I met her and
she thought she could getpregnant from blowjobs.
So when we were trying realhard, I was getting tons of head
.
Jay (31:26):
Get over here, it's like she's got to not be on top.
It's gravity.
Tony (31:33):
But we tried having a kid for a long time and it didn't
happen and I quit that job tostart my own business oh yeah, I
thought you quit it because youcouldn't get her pregnant when
you're a new job, when you'reself-employed, your insurance is
fucking crazy.
Yeah, like it's, it's, itdoesn't you don't I did.
Jay (31:51):
It's like I didn't insure myself for like a decade risk on
plan out of pocket no, we justgone.
Tony (31:59):
We were paying like 1400 a month for like 20 of coverage
why wouldn't you just?
Chris (32:06):
I still have a soreness in my wrist from a fucking thing
I didn't get fixed when Ibusted my shit.
I did a fucking math in my head.
Tony (32:14):
And the worst part about it is when you are self-employed
and you are on a single plan,meaning not in a large group you
don't get things like I care orOB care, it's not in the cards.
Yep, what's OB?
(32:35):
Oh boy, the vagina care Oof Didyou not hear?
Dental care is never on anyplan even on the union Union
gives you dental care.
At the union it was Full, Yep.
I haven't paid Up to $3,thousand dollars a year which
basically covered a cleaning.
I remember when I had insurance.
Jay (32:56):
I had insurance a long time ago and I remember, like at
cutoba, they would only, theywould only pay for pulling a
tooth.
Tony (33:05):
Cutoba's insurance plan we only cover collestional related
items.
Chris (33:12):
They find a dentist that accepts gift cards.
Jay (33:15):
Dude I used to fucking barter Dink dink dink that's
350s right there.
Chris (33:24):
I used to barter that shit.
Jay (33:26):
That isn't funny.
I used to barter all the timewith everyone I knew with Qdoba
free burrito cards.
Chris (33:31):
You had the ones that were like 49 cents left for the
guys.
Like you can keep it.
Jay (33:36):
They were a legit paper card that said free burrito on
them.
It wasn't a pre-filled card orwhatever.
Tony (33:45):
Yes, dude, I used to barter all the time that made me
cry a little, Chris.
Jay (33:49):
But the truth is I did that everywhere.
But uh, no, I was gonna say,before you get finish your shit,
that's what made me remember itis.
I chipped my tooth on like abone in the meat from one of the
tacos I was eating.
So you filed workman's comp, sothat's why I?
Had to.
I had to pull my fucking toothout instead of trying to fix the
bitch and they're like that'sthe only thing that's covered.
(34:12):
If it's pulled, it's covered.
If it's not, do you dosomething more and fuck no yeah.
Tony (34:19):
So this fucking I quit, I go out on my own, we get the
super shitty overpricedinsurance and, uh, she gets
pregnant like almost immediately.
Chris (34:34):
So it's how it's always been my train of thought that
women always fuck everything up.
Jay (34:39):
It was it was insurance's problem that they didn't get
pregnant.
Tony (34:43):
If you're trying to get pregnant, all you have to do is
lose your job.
Stop trying.
You have no insurance.
Stop trying.
Jay (34:50):
So Well, you gotta have sex more than once a month too.
So we Not true.
Tony (34:55):
We ended up having to bargain shop hospitals, so we
had to call them and negotiatelike all-inclusive deals to have
a baby there, yeah, so we endup all inclusive Like uh, well,
yeah they, they like you pay youpay a set amount.
(35:19):
Yeah.
So the thing is is you don'twant to go in and have a baby
and they say well, you're goingto pay $1,800 a day for the room
You're going to pay, you know $a day for the room you're gonna
pay.
Chris (35:34):
You know, four hundred dollars a hour for your nursing.
Yeah, and when you have mywife's insurance, it does.
When you have those insurancewe had, it doesn't fucking
matter it doesn't matter.
Tony (35:39):
It doesn't matter, what we do, but for us it does.
It mattered a lot like I ain'tstaying here for fucking four
days so when I was in the union,we built this beautiful
facility called the aurorawomen's pavilion, and I'm sure
you guys had all your childrenat that place.
Jay (35:54):
No, no, I knew that you built it.
I didn't bring my family.
Look at the fucking tile shoddyconstruction work.
I didn't want to fall throughany floors or anything but you
know they, they were fuckingwonderful man.
Tony (36:05):
They had uh, their big thing was that they were giving
uh like steak and lobsterdinners the day before.
Once you have the kid, you getthis steak and lobster dinner.
They had a whirlpool right inthe room.
Jay (36:20):
No fucking hospital has lobsters on hand.
Chris (36:22):
The women's pavilion at Aurora does.
Jay (36:26):
So we called them.
Do they go to the closestSendix and get it?
How the fuck do they havelobsters on hand?
Tony (36:31):
They literally have a bus that drives back and forth from
West Allis, wisconsin, to Maine.
Chris (36:37):
They built a fucking ocean in the back area.
Jay (36:41):
Cultivated Wait, did you know?
There's lobsters in LakeMichigan and they're right next
to Lake Michigan.
Tony (36:47):
It's just a big crayfish yeah.
Jay (36:49):
Crawfish.
Tony (36:51):
Crayfish, crawfish Cray Is it cray?
It's craw if you're inLouisiana, but it's crayfish if
you live here.
Jay (36:58):
Is it a crayfish here, but a crawfish in Louisiana?
Is that what you just said?
Yep, okay, just making sure.
Tony (37:04):
But we call them, my wife's like it's non-negotiable.
My wife's like it'snon-negotiable, we're having our
child at the women's pavilion.
So we call them and they sayit's going to be like eighteen
thousand dollars for the you canhave your baby here package.
But they're like if you're poorand you're on state insurance
it's free.
(37:24):
Oh yeah, like you can be herefor fucking two weeks, it
doesn't matter and they actuallygive you money too.
Jay (37:29):
They just hand you a hundred dollars.
Your check on the way out givecards on the way out here.
Chris (37:33):
This ought to cover your deductible here.
This will cover your futuredental costs here.
Jay (37:38):
Do you need a couple thousand dollars for groceries
in the way here?
Tony (37:40):
you go.
So we start calling otherhospitals.
We call st luke's and they'relike oh, it's 11 000 advocate
here and we start calling.
And we start calling and we getdown to the fucking hood saint
francis in milwaukee that'swhere I was born.
That's where I was born and mywife was born there and my first
(38:01):
child because they said allinclusive vip 250 bucks.
Have your baby here, packageseven g's and we're like done.
And they told us here's thedeal when you come in to have
this baby, we need a cashier'scheck when you walk through the
(38:24):
door on this package deal.
There's no, we're gonna billyou when you leave.
This is a pay up frontsituation and kind of like um,
like a, like a veterinarian nofucking bullshit.
So we had to put our name on alist that we were going to have
our baby there when she wentinto labor.
(38:44):
I had to drive her 45 minutesto get back down to the hood
where I was born.
We take her in and atregistration they say do you got
that check?
It was a big fucking deal.
So I gave him my check.
They took us up to our fuckingcinder block room, had your baby
(39:05):
and uh, I think, she was therefor fucking five days.
three days, Well, three daysbecause she was in labor.
Jay (39:13):
That's insane man.
It usually takes like two daysafter they give birth, doesn't
it yeah?
Tony (39:19):
And we get up to the room and it's just a fucking you know
, they bought them at St Luke'sgarage sale, fucking pads and
shit like that.
And then I'm like like there'slike a folding chair in the room
and I'm like where am I gonnasleep?
And they said dads don'tusually stay here, folding chair
(39:40):
.
They're like we're gonna haveto go down to the basement and
find you a cot yeah, whatpackage did you get when you
first signed up?
Jay (39:48):
the no dads allowed pretty much.
They said it was their vippackage, but I think they
skimped a little bit in a couple.
Tony (39:50):
When you first signed up the no dads allowed Pretty much.
They said it was their VIPpackage, but I think they
skimped a little bit in a couplespots.
Extra $1,000 for the dad tostay over and the fucking doctor
who they called in to deliverthis baby, who was not my wife's
doctor, was so fucking pissedthat she had to come in on her
(40:11):
off day to deliver this baby Ithink she was more mad that it
took three days for that baby tocome out and I know it had
something to do.
When she found out we were on aprepaid package deal, she's like
I'm not even getting my fullmoney there's no action.
There's no action, nocomplication action they had to
give her a check at the nurse'sstation for coming in.
(40:32):
Everything in that place iscash up.
Pay me first, so when you everso when they asked me to cut the
umbilical cord, I saidabsolutely not.
I paid for full service.
Jay (40:45):
Yeah you told the washer baby that's a true story.
Tony (40:47):
My wife will verify it because she's still a little
pissed about it.
It's only been 11 years I.
Chris (40:56):
I didn't want to do it.
I had no interest.
No, I didn't do it.
Like do you want to bitethrough this umbilical cord, sir
?
Jay (41:02):
No, I didn't do it.
I mean, where do you cut?
They don't tell you yeah, theydo.
They put long string fuckingbloody.
So what they do is they putalien tentacles coming out.
Tony (41:12):
They put two.
I only know them as roach clipspinchers.
They're actually calledhemostats he hemostat something.
Well, you know, we don't knowthey pinch it and they leave
about an inch in the middle andthey tell you to cut in between
the two things.
Jay (41:29):
And I'm like it doesn't spray out at you.
Tony (41:30):
I'm like I think I'm good.
I'm like I paid for fullservice, like I don't pay for a
full service car wash and thenwash my own windows the dudes
fucking do it.
Jay (41:41):
I get it.
No, I get it.
I would be the same way.
I'd be like you cut it.
I'm just, I'm relaxing herewith the coke.
Tony (41:47):
Okay, I'm just I'll take her steak I'll take her steak
and lobster dinner and, uh, youguys can do this fucking heavy
leg work.
Chris (41:56):
I'm gonna go microwave up the rest of yuck.
Jay (42:03):
Yeah right, tony has nothing left over usually, and
then and then this is howfucking retarded I am.
Tony (42:09):
Uh, both my brothers were going through their own super
like bad times in their life.
It was like the day my son wasborn was both my brother's worst
day of their lives.
Oh boy, for completelydifferent reasons really and
(42:31):
after the kid was born, uh, theywere both like super mopey and
they were like uh, I think we'regonna go see a movie.
It was like 9 30 at night on.
Jay (42:43):
Uh, you're talking about them, you asking them to come to
the hospitals to see the baby.
Tony (42:47):
I would rather watch they were at the hospital oh okay and
uh, when they were leaving, uh,my young, my youngest brother
said to the middle brother islike, yeah, you want to go see
this movie.
And my brother's like sure, Idon't got shit to do.
So they were leaving to go seea movie when my kid was like 14
minutes old.
And uh, they were like you wantto come?
(43:08):
And I'm like yeah, sure, and Igo out by my wife, who's
apparently I mean, I don't knowto this day if it was real or
not, but apparently in pain,holding this brand new baby, and
I like, hey, I'm gonna go, joeand rick and go see this movie.
And she like she didn't.
(43:30):
It was a one time where shedidn't even have to say anything
.
I felt her look, I wasn't even,I wasn't even looking at her
and I felt it.
Jay (43:39):
I mean totally.
Chris (43:42):
And.
Tony (43:42):
I just said, is this a bad idea?
And she goes.
I don't know that there's everbeen a worse idea.
And I looked at my brothers andI'm like yo, I think I'm going
to pass on this movie.
Jay (43:55):
I think it's funny you even contemplating it.
But it's dude, I didn't eventhink.
I didn't even think about ityou're thinking about.
Tony (44:01):
I was just like oh shit, I'm gonna go hang with my
brothers for a while.
Chris (44:05):
Baby things done now for like a week my wife wore these
panties that she could fill withice cubes like a fucking cradle
in between her crotch, becauseshe was all fucking done for
business I don't remember thefirst time the doors reopened on
that thing oh, you didn't.
Tony (44:23):
You didn't tell the doctor , hey, throw an extra stitch in
there for me an extra stitch inthere for me.
Jay (44:30):
My, my wife was on uh bed rest with the second child and
we could not have sex for thewhole fucking time.
Chris (44:38):
No, baby sex which is fine because I kind of feel
weird about that I saw a tiktokwhere the girls just slipped the
doctor a 50 and then the doctortells the husbands that they
can't bang their wife for thenext six months well, when
you're coming to the end and thebaby's not coming out, they say
for the, the couple to have sexfor, to induce pregnancy or so
(45:05):
what do you do?
Where do you put the penis whenyou have sex, jay?
All right, let's close it up.
Tony (45:14):
That was when it got.
When it got late in thepregnancy, it was really really
difficult for me to want to havesex.
Jay (45:21):
Yeah, that's so.
Tony (45:23):
I'm like I don't want my dick, like folding around my
kid's head, to get in and outlike not a fucking chance.
Chris (45:32):
I think we should call this one.
This is Mark the Tape.
Top shelf story, sex episode.
How many?
Tony (45:40):
times a week?
Chris (45:41):
How many times a?
Tony (45:42):
month?
No, just name it safe for workand then dilated add two, and
what happens after you have sex?
Jay (45:50):
Get a baby.
Chris (45:52):
Gift card dental.
Tony loves that that wasfucking great.
I paid for full service.
Thanks for watching orlistening or whatever the fuck.
Jay (46:07):
Remember to subscribe Top shelf stories.
Leave a comment below.
Whatever you're fuckinglistening on, I don't know where
, but see you again.
Tony (46:16):
Leave a comment.
Shut up, tony Fuck.
Don't know where, but see youagain.
Leave a comment.
Jay (46:19):
Shut up, tony Fuck you, you , dick, ed Peace, we'll be right
back.
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Jay (00:34):
I thought you were going to say do you physically jerk off?
Did you say do you physicallyjournal?
Do you physically jerk off ordo you mentally jerk off?
You know, I just had thisconversation with my wife like
three days ago, mentally orphysically jerking off she's.
Tony (00:52):
She said something, so we got in a fight a couple weeks
ago, right?
Chris (00:58):
was it okay.
So you've only been married for20 years and only been together
for 38 of them right so I wouldassume you have more than just
this is your first fight
Tony (01:11):
in like what time period this is the first time I ever
stop touching the record.
This is the first time I'veever actually yelled at her yeah
, I thought it is.
Jay (01:23):
I thought you punched her and pushed her down the stairs
one time never.
Tony (01:26):
She asked me to one time.
Jay (01:28):
I told her no to which one punch or push down the stairs.
Tony (01:33):
Punch her down the stairs well, she's pregnant at the time
give me a quick jab to thefucking kidneys.
I'm gonna stand at the top ofthe stairs back to the steps I
need you to drop, kick me.
But no, in all seriousness, I,I had a discussion with her.
(01:55):
Uh, because now it's adiscussion.
Yeah, I, I didn't actually yell, but I was pretty passionate
about it and I said you know,I'm in my 40s now and I don't
know how things work, but Iassume I only got like 10 good
glory days, 10 good years leftwith, you know, a rock hard cock
(02:17):
.
I don't know how it works.
I think in your 50s it juststops.
Chris (02:22):
I know I try to use that line too.
It didn't work on my end.
I can't wait.
Tony (02:26):
Okay, go on and uh, I said I'll be damned if I spend the
next 10 years only using thisthing once a week.
Chris (02:38):
All the hours later, you're gonna get a break but now
wait, you're.
Tony (02:42):
You're once a week oh, I mean slow dude.
When we used to get together,tony was like once an hour.
Chris (02:49):
His wife would come in here.
Tony (02:50):
We'd have to wait 30 minutes yeah, just to make
things easier, she used to blowme under the desk so I can
continue to talk, but uh, it'sreally awkward.
No, I said you know, like oncea week like I'm I'm not having
it.
It's got to be more than that.
I got needs and she brought up.
She's like why don't you justlike how many times a week do
(03:14):
you jerk off?
Jay (03:15):
why don't you?
Tony (03:15):
just masturbate more, and I was thinking about it.
I go years without jerking offand that's probably why, when I
don't get sex for a whole week,I get so fucking angry.
All your juice, I'm like she'sprobably right, like I should
just like.
(03:35):
Oh, it's been two days.
Chris (03:37):
Don't let her trick you into that shit but I refuse
you're one of the luckier ones,tony.
You don't know what you'regonna lose if you give in.
You're one of the luckier ones,tony.
You don't know what you'regoing to lose if you give in.
You're one of the ones thatpeople are like oh dang dog, I'm
just fucking around.
Tony (03:56):
I told her, four times a week is the acceptable amount.
Four times, four times a week,I mean that's basically an every
other day schedule.
Chris (04:04):
She's 40?
Tony (04:04):
that's basically an every other day schedule.
She's 40 it's basically onlyevery other day and it's not
like it's not like it's a bigtime sucker anything.
I mean I could get in and outin a minute or two she's, you
know, she's 40 right, yeah, 40yet oh no, she is 40, she's okay
.
So you want to?
Jay (04:22):
you want to go by every decade.
Uh, add it to a week weekly.
So every decade you do fourtimes a week for every decade of
your life, right?
So when she's 50, you're gonnaadd another five a week five.
Tony (04:36):
Well that hopefully the kids are crusting leaving the
house by then.
Do you ever get you?
Jay (04:43):
ever get.
You don't feel like doing it Me?
Yeah, no, you always feel likedoing it.
Just let you walk around with aboner.
Chris (04:50):
Yeah.
Tony (04:52):
I can get hard.
Chris (04:54):
Like that.
Good pickup on this snap dude.
He's like watch this.
Jay (05:01):
And it's off Interesting.
Tony (05:03):
I would like to see this, but not really, but I think I
think me pushing for four timesa week is completely fair and
you best not ask her to ask herfriends.
Chris (05:16):
Don't ask her friends I will settle she takes a poll.
You're fucking done.
Tony (05:21):
I'll see this is like a negotiation thing, right?
Because right now it's at one.
I'm pushing for four and we'regonna close the deal around two
and a half that's like a onceevery three day thing, so so the
.
There's gonna be like there'stwo sex, one blow job, and I'm
gonna be like, oh, that's that'sthe half gonna do it.
Jay (05:41):
The half is the blow job.
I thought maybe the half wasjust like you got a couple
minutes and then, if you don't,go, you don't go.
Chris (05:47):
No, it's like an over-under.
You got to wait until next week.
I guess that's how it fuckingworks.
Jay (05:53):
Here's your timer.
You got an egg timer.
You turn the dial.
Tony (05:57):
She's going to on the 30th every month playing catch up.
Jay (06:09):
Shit got two strikes left, all right.
So you have, uh, a broom with alocked door, which I don't, so
that's a lot easier for you toto maintain that four, four
times a week you're telling methat the reason you're not
having sex with your wife fourtimes a week is because you
don't have a lock on your door,yeah I don't used to have one on
their bathroom, but they tookit off, so now there's just a
hole.
Chris (06:27):
The cats who tenant in there got upset.
Tony (06:30):
Yeah, that was so they could feed the cats.
They just took the handle off.
And poor food.
I don't even have a door.
Jay (06:37):
I don't even have a door.
And the kids they like to tryto scare you at nighttime so
they're hiding out of the bedaround the corner.
So you know.
Chris (06:46):
You don't even know if one of the children are even
upstairs when you walk up therehas every one of your children
walked in and seen you?
Jay (06:54):
oh fuck to god, not, I mean , if they did, maybe they ran
away, I don't know if they did,maybe they would stop trying to
see what the hell is going on inthere.
Tony (07:04):
I should let him see my ass hanging out Just see Jay's
hairy ass going to work.
Yes.
Chris (07:10):
Yes, they will never Violating those kids' mothers.
Most of your kids are oldenough for that.
Jay (07:16):
So basically they won't look again.
You want me to dramatize themmentally?
Tony (07:20):
No, I don't want to do anything.
What did I say?
Jay (07:25):
Dramatize them.
Let's take away the D and add aT to that then.
Chris (07:28):
Dramatize I'm dramatizing the situation.
Yeah, I'm dramatizing it, butyeah.
Gotcha, it's not because of.
Tony (07:41):
Just do like I do Get a sheet, poke a hole in it.
Jay (07:48):
Then nobody's got to see nothing.
Get a lock well, you need adoor to fucking have a lock, bro
.
Tony (07:53):
You got a parking garage you could go in if you need to
with uh 60 other people withtheir cars downstairs.
Jay (07:59):
Yeah, I'll see.
I see like they ain't neverseen somebody fucking before.
Also I seen.
I've seen a grandma walk past.
It's pushing a grocery cart.
Tony (08:06):
She'll probably cheer you on.
Chris (08:08):
Or hey, how about this?
Why don't you move into thefucking master bedroom?
Jay (08:12):
Oh, I can't.
You know I don't trust the kidsupstairs.
They'd be doing fucking bellyflops off the fucking.
They'd be jumping off.
Tony (08:20):
Here's an idea send the kids up to your room and go fuck
it in their room.
Jay (08:23):
this is so gross, couldn't do that.
Bunk beds no, they don't work.
Good for fucking.
You want to do it on the topbunk or bottom bunk?
Chris (08:34):
yeah, how do you guys?
Tony (08:37):
never mind, you need a bed to have sex.
Jay (08:40):
You fucking weirdo well, listen to me.
I proposed putting barbed wirein an electrical fence.
Chris (08:48):
Now you're talking.
Jay (08:50):
But that costs money and no one wants to invest in that.
Tony (08:53):
Here's what you do.
You take all your old cookiesheets, you gather them all up?
Jay (09:00):
How did you have more than one cookie sheet?
Tony (09:03):
You would collect them.
We got four different sizes,two of each like a normal human.
All right, let me hear whatyou're gonna say, but it's a
little extravagant.
Jay (09:11):
You, you put them hanging half over, just so they're about
to fall on the steps whenthey're walking up the stairs,
it slaps them in the face orjust makes noise, so it falls
down, that's.
Chris (09:22):
It's basically like a doorbell for your steps have you
ever seen the movie home alone,where he tricks up the robbers
and gets them all hurt whilethey try to come up the stairs
for example, I'm gonna put somepaint, paint cans with string
attached there's a scene in homealone where the two bad guys
are like trying to to come intoplace and they're sliding on
(09:47):
some jelly that's on the groundand that's become a new Diddy
meme on the internet.
The Home.
Tony (09:55):
Alone guys fucking sliding in the entryway of the house.
Jay (09:59):
Is that Home Alone 2?
Tony (10:00):
Because it's ice they're sliding on in Home Alone 1.
No, this is in the in the entry, the foyer I have no idea.
The house, okay, but uh, yeah,so I don't know where I was
going, why this conversation waseven brought up.
Chris (10:15):
Yeah, you were talking about a top shelf in your wife
four times a week.
Jay (10:20):
Oh, and then good name for that.
Chris (10:22):
Yeah or four, yeah, four times a week.
Did you know you're gonnareport back this whole story,
this whole?
Tony (10:29):
story was brought up because, uh, yeah, in her
rebuttal to that she was askinghow many times a jerk in a week?
And the answer is at most likeonce a year, and that is and I'm
not even the one doing it, it'susually her once an hour.
Jay (10:45):
Yeah, like I, yeah he really he was outside not doing
his.
He was jerking off outside whenhe went to for a break well, I
know.
Tony (10:56):
That's why he closes the door when he goes into the
bathroom.
Chris (10:58):
I don't even need it to be hard.
Tony (11:00):
Yeah, you're talking like I can't play with this fucking
flappy little thing Twirl in awet noodle.
Jay (11:13):
What are you doing?
So what are you doing?
It is not fully hard, you justpull it out really far, if I
told you it wouldn't bemasturbation anymore.
Chris (11:22):
You wanted to join in, so I can't share.
I just rub it on the wall.
Yeah, silent, hump, or whatever.
The mental, mental base, themental masturbation is that what
you were calling it?
Jay (11:38):
yeah, mental masturbation instead of physical masturbation
.
Um, that's usually a wet dream,but I've never had one in my
life, so I couldn't tell you Ihad a wet dream.
Tony (11:51):
Once Turns out it was just piss.
I thought I could make itthrough that Without laughing.
I couldn't.
Jay (12:02):
That's funny.
You had that ready to go Forprobably like a minute and he
was just waiting to say it, butevery time he tried to start
saying it he started giggling.
So he finally got the courage,had that ready to go for
probably like a minute and hewas just waiting to say it, but
he every time he tried to startsaying it he started giggling so
he finally got the courage toget it all out just waiting for
it to come up organically inconversation.
You did a great job.
You didn't giggle at all, yougot.
You got through the wholeentire thing without laughing,
(12:24):
until the end.
Tony (12:25):
I feel like I'm in eighth grade right now yeah, hey, can
you toss me a note?
Jay (12:31):
yes or no question?
Tony (12:34):
but uh, yeah.
So apparently you guys didn'thave anything to add to the
masturbation topic, so yeah, Idon't know how many times how
many times a week?
Jay (12:42):
you fucking be honest um, I'll answer that in a second,
but I think I'm not going toanswer the question either.
I think that Are you guys notputting good?
Chris (12:53):
numbers on the board, because if you're putting decent
numbers, I'm not putting Idon't feel the need to comment
in any which way that you mightwant to try to get a comment.
Tony (13:02):
So welcome to Tony's podcast, where Tony is the only
one who shares.
What's the name of it?
Chris (13:09):
going to be no, we get some banging done.
Jay (13:13):
No, there's definitely once a week.
Yeah, sure, Maybe sometimesonce a month.
It depends on the situation.
You know people are sickAllergy season right now.
You don't want anybody sniffingin your face.
Chris (13:26):
I got slammed with the Wait, wait what I got.
We can't do it this weekbecause of the lady things.
You know the friends in town.
Jay (13:36):
Who the fuck would ever do that with Flo, would you?
I mean, tony's a nasty ass,doesn't he?
Tony (13:42):
I do not, actually I won't even be in the same room with
her that week.
I won't comment on that either.
Jay (13:47):
So is that what the next week?
Then you add another two tothis equation because you're
backed up, Because you'resupposed to do four a week.
Tony (13:54):
No, it's.
A monthly average of 16 is whatI'm actually looking for.
Chris (13:58):
It's best to put it out into a month.
You're asking us to go weekly.
Tony (14:02):
Like five-week months.
She has it easy.
But February comes around,she's got some work to do.
Chris (14:10):
What are you saying, chris?
So we're not wanting to haveanother kid for right now, or
probably ever, right?
I didn't think you'd ever.
Even Katie is for sure not.
We might adopt a kid later, butJust stick with the dogs.
I digress yeah, you don't feelbad when you got to get later,
but Just stick with the dogs.
I digress.
Tony (14:29):
yeah, you don't feel bad when you got to get rid of them
from pissing in the house.
Chris (14:36):
Ah damn, dog, shit, again Call Maddox.
Tony (14:39):
You can't do that shit with a kid.
Chris (14:41):
I told that kid if he went through eight diapers today
, he was done for.
Jay (14:46):
Maybe he can get back after he peed in the house.
You never know.
Chris (14:50):
Someone's wrong with this kid.
I got the line we can't do itthis week because I'm a fertile
young woman here Shark week andthen another period of time
where she can most likely becomepregnant according to some
fucking calendar.
So she won't do it then.
(15:10):
So she was saying I'm not gonnado it that in case something
were to happen you don't pullout you promised to pull out
though, right, yeah, right.
Tony (15:20):
I swear to god, I'll get most of it on your back, yeah I
mean we do that, yeah, so we gotour ways.
Jay (15:29):
Chris is so uncool.
Chris (15:31):
Yeah, we do that Well she's not here to talk so I
don't want to put she don'tlisten to this shit.
Jay (15:36):
I put a lot of things in her mouth.
Chris (15:37):
I don't want the words to be one of them.
Jay (15:38):
How about that?
Wait?
What did you put in her mouth?
Chris (15:42):
So, yeah, that didn't last.
I was like what have you ever?
Jay (15:50):
gotten that shit.
Well, I'm I'm too likely to getpregnant to bang right.
No, I never had that one.
Chris (15:52):
No, and it happens so much it it's so much happens
that that's the same timethey're super horny as well.
Jay (16:01):
The only time she can't get pregnant is when she's bleeding
and you won't touch her gross,okay now that's one thing that
uh, a lot of guys would saydon't or do discuss them to say
that or hear that I know lots ofpeople that don't care and I in
the least bit I don't careabout blood.
(16:23):
Blood does not bother me, butwhere having it touch me does
where the blood is coming fromdoes bother me.
Chris (16:29):
I don't care about it, but I also don't I care, I don't
know how to say this.
I'm not doing it I don't care,I like I have.
I'm not gonna be telling ithasn't ever happened I don't
think it's normal blood either.
Jay (16:44):
I don't think it's normal blood either.
Tony (16:45):
I don't think it's normal blood.
No, there's egg wall shedding.
Yeah, it's like lumpy blood.
Chris (16:53):
This isn't like you got this bite on your arm and you
scratched it too many times andit scabbed and then one day you
pick this scab and a littleblood came out.
It's not the same as that.
Tony (17:02):
And you know the thing is too, is it's like I don't know.
I would just assume it hurtsmore like if I had a fucking
open gash on no, my back andsomebody stuck a dick in it it
would hurt really bad, maybethat, but I've heard at all.
Jay (17:18):
I've heard, I've heard that the women get more horny.
Tony (17:21):
No, it's like that point it's like talladega knights when
he stabs himself in the leg andhe shoves the other knife in to
get the stuck knife out.
I imagine that's what it's likelike shoving a knife into an
open wound.
Chris (17:34):
I just there's there's just too much wrong with it.
Cram another knife in there.
What does he say?
Jay (17:42):
it's jammed in there.
Tony (17:44):
It's peened in there I'll use this knife to get it out.
It's all wedged in there.
That's what it is, but uh, yeah, there's no, there's no chance,
no chance of what of uh doingit when they're yeah, why does
it?
Chris (18:01):
I don't actually care, but for the viewers, listeners
at home, why not?
What does it fucking matter?
Jay (18:06):
all right.
Well, my brother asked me thisquestion a lot.
He's like you ever had your.
You don't got your red, was itred?
Tony (18:13):
red wings like motherfucker.
Jay (18:15):
What the hell is wrong with you?
Chris (18:17):
no, wonder you're not.
I'm not eating.
I'm not exactly looking to eatout at the live.
I don't care if I dip my friesright.
Is that what it says?
Tony (18:27):
yeah, I'll stick with my clear wings holy shit, that's
good that's eating pussy, not ona period yeah, I'm not doing
that have uh, has your ladiesever tried to trick you?
Chris (18:43):
I don't know, I don't think so come in the shower.
Shower, I've gotten that.
Jay (18:47):
No, fuck no, no, why does it gross you out so?
Chris (18:50):
much it's gross?
I don't think it's gross.
Tony (18:53):
Try to get it and then tell you well, it's just light,
it's light Because it is, it'shit or miss.
You won't even see anything.
Oh, they do.
Jay (19:04):
Oh fuck, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Chris (19:08):
Why does it gross?
Can you All right Time out Can?
You say the word vagina.
Jay (19:15):
Vagina.
That was close enough, allright, so I know what you had as
a period, because I see theboxes out.
Chris (19:23):
The boxes are all over the place.
I can smell it like a fuckingwolf in the full moon.
Man, what do you mean?
You can see the boxes out.
Jay (19:30):
She.
Just all of a sudden, you'rewalking through the house and
all of a sudden there's afucking box, kitchen, counter,
couch and table.
Tony (19:38):
She's shaking that crammer everywhere Heavy duty load.
Jay (19:42):
Okay, so you don't have doors or cabinet doors, either
in your house.
When he comes?
Got to be ready.
Yeah, it's like a grenade.
You got to find that grenadepole, don't you just?
Chris (19:52):
buy like a.
I have like 156 of them andthen a fucking rack going
through the hall like you.
Just there's a cabinet and shegoes, you do get some.
Jay (20:02):
Well, not for me.
Do you have to put quarters into get them out?
Yeah, you got a vending machine, right?
Tony (20:09):
right on the back of the bathroom door.
Jay (20:11):
I'm pretty cheap chris is like hey, you don't got quarters
, you ain't fucking.
You better roll up a t-shirt.
Yeah, you better find anotherway, this ain't working.
Chris (20:22):
I guess I have no idea how it actually works well you
know, I've never had to buy him.
Jay (20:27):
I I know by the color of the box if it's going to be a
heavier light flow in there andtherefore it's.
It's about how angry she willbe because you know, I think the
the different colors darkercolors and she's going to be
more mad.
Tony (20:39):
I don't think that that bad attitude on your period's a
real thing.
That is just a cop out dude.
Chris (20:44):
No, that is a real thing I know right away when she has
her.
You know this is an unpopular.
You just said you need.
You know this is an unpopular.
Tony (20:50):
You just said you need the box.
Chris (20:51):
Well, okay.
Tony (20:54):
This is an unpopular opinion, but I think they use
the bad attitude all the timeand blame it on their period,
the same way that they talkabout how hard childbirth is.
Chris (21:05):
God Tony.
Tony (21:06):
I'm.
Chris (21:06):
Come on, you can't sit in a room with three guys here and
try to have a podcast and justtalk like we know how it is to
be a woman.
All right, go on, go on.
Jay (21:18):
As a kid I always remember thinking to myself that I'm so
happy I'm a man, I don't have togive, I don't have the fucking
giant thing coming out of myasshole, or whatever.
It would definitely be, moredifficult to be a woman but if
you think I have these weirdthoughts of like when you have a
really bad shit and you compareit to like you're like while I
(21:40):
was a real taint splitter.
Whatever you were gettinggiving birth, but like taking
this shit and times it at myfive oh my god, no, I watched my
kid come out of my wife's.
Chris (21:53):
Oh me too, both of them well, you that's why you only
had one.
Jay (21:57):
You're like holy, this ain't doing this again fuck like
you're.
Chris (22:02):
You've got to imagine the woman's entire body like
disconnects and like folds openlike the frog we're like nine
people in the room.
Tony (22:12):
Yeah, I swear to god, I did not have a bunch dude for
real.
Chris (22:16):
They asked her.
She's like do you mind if wehave a bunch of the students
come in from the medical college?
They're here, uh, they just sitin the background, they'll be
writing notes.
They might ask some questionsof the doctor katie's like yeah,
bring them in she was likeliterally 14 people, yeah, in
the background, plus the four orfive doing the job so you see,
(22:40):
here how the head's crowning thedoctor's pointing so out of the
vagina jay, yeah, so when mywife was about to have our first
kid, we're sitting in thehospital bed.
Tony (22:57):
She shit all over.
No, she didn't.
Actually I was reallydisappointed about it, like I
heard it was going to happen andit didn't.
There with this little flipcamera and she was in labor for
like three days and I was likegoing to get her mexican food
and all kinds of stuff are youseriously about the three days?
Chris (23:16):
yeah, it's gonna be dude, I'm like oh, I'm like girl.
Tony (23:22):
Eat all your beans and rice.
Eat all the beans and rice.
Just just eat it up because thehospital food, you don't know
what you're gonna get later Ibrought her chili, I brought her
all my god, all the triggersand fucking nothing, not even a
little squirt, not even a fart.
But uh, when she was justsitting there waiting and she
(23:44):
was whatever I don't knowmedical terms, but dil dilated
at two, sure yeah.
Yeah whatever, and the nurseruns up and just you know, all
fucking cold as ice, no candles,nothing, just jams two fingers
right up there.
Chris (24:02):
Let's see what's going on in there.
Tony (24:04):
She's like his head's right there, so are you watching
this.
Yeah, no, I was in the roomYou're watching the fingers.
Jay (24:12):
You're watching the fingers .
You're watching the vagina.
Tony (24:14):
Yeah, vagina, and she went at a different angle than I
normally go in, so I changed mygame completely.
Chris (24:22):
You want to give her that child birthing type of orgasm.
Tony (24:28):
I'm like hold on Fingertips up.
Damn dude.
I was going fingertips down allthese years, no wonder.
Jay (24:36):
And you use your thumb to find the beginning point.
Tony (24:39):
Yeah, I told the nurse.
I'm like put your thumb in herass.
She's like sad.
Chris (24:45):
Just rub it along a little bit and then bloop.
Tony (24:50):
But the nurse is like oh, oh, his little head's right
there and I just it was theweirdest thing I've ever had to
ask somebody.
But I'm like I said to thenurse, I go do you?
Think I do you think I couldtouch his head?
Jay (25:06):
oh god you didn't.
Tony (25:07):
Uh, you're a fucking liar.
And uh, she goes.
Actually that's more of aquestion for your wife than it
is for me and my wife goes.
I don't fucking care.
So I tell chase, all the time Igot to play with his hair
before he was born, it's prettylegit, okay.
Chris (25:27):
Uh, I was pretty sure the doctor was like trying to pull
this head out, like, like youimagine, uh, yeah, like your
chiropractor taking a hike, likebehind a quarterback, being the
quarterback taking a hike, andhe's he's rubbing around
underneath there and he's like Iswear he licked his hand a
little bit to get it.
Tony (25:47):
Put it back in there to like.
Sometimes that's all it needs.
I swear like a Drew.
Chris (25:51):
Brees lick like he licks his hands every 20 seconds ready
for the kid to come out,bluetooth and he just went in
there and he went.
Oh yeah, and the people thatcame in, this is the best.
She's okay with me saying thisstory.
I'm pretty sure the people inthe back.
Tony (26:12):
She's not here.
Chris (26:15):
They, as Claire was coming out, squirt a little bit
of the fluids come squirting outand literally the people had to
dodge out of the way.
It went right over the doctor,right into the row of people in
the back.
Jay (26:28):
Oh, we're used to this, Right into the row of people in
the back.
Oh, we're used to this, we'regreat Dodgers.
Tony (26:32):
Fluids coming out of vaginas.
Everybody in the room had onfucking ponchos like a Gallagher
show, yeah.
Jay (26:43):
You all want to watch me smash them, so I have the most
kids out of all of you, okay.
Tony (26:46):
True, you actually have as many kids as both of us
combined.
Great, math.
Jay (26:53):
I want to see this math.
Chris (26:55):
Up to three.
Jay (26:56):
Beautiful and all of our, my kids, were cesarean, cesarean
C-sections, and I never evenlooked at that.
No way, I don't know, can't,couldn't.
I never even looked at that.
No way, I don't know, can't,couldn't.
The doctor even asked me everytime I'm behind.
Actually, the first time Iwasn't there because it was an
(27:16):
emergency.
I didn't even get to thehospital in time.
The other two was planned andor I was ready for I mean they
put me in a hazmat suit.
Tony (27:26):
I mean they called you and you're like I'm not leaving
Qdoba for this shit.
Chris (27:33):
I'm mid burrito right now .
You expect me to leave thisqueso with no chop.
Jay (27:35):
You want my barbacoa to get cold I have to manage this
store right now what do you wantme to do?
Tony (27:42):
I didn't even take into consideration that you were
working.
I, just, like you, were justsitting in the qdoba eating.
Jay (27:48):
Oh, got gotcha.
Yeah, you know I don't eat at aQdoba, but yeah, sure, Okay,
you can think that.
So I got in the.
They put you in a hazmat suit,like literally head to toe, so
you don't get germs in there,and it's fucking freezing and
cold.
And then they do it quicklyJason, they're clipping his
nails.
Tony (28:05):
What.
Chris (28:12):
Well, if you want them to take a long time, it's like an
oil change open the cap, let thefucking oil out, fill it up and
shut it.
Jay (28:14):
The fuck up.
Pretty sure, yeah, I mean, atthis point, at the third one, I
was, I was ready to go.
I knew exactly what they'redoing.
I'm like, okay, he's gonna grab, grab the scalpel.
Next part the next nurse isgonna come and she's gonna get
some gauze ready to, you know,for the blood, getting
everything ready.
The one's gonna take thefreaking thing that opens them
up, stretches it out, and I knowit's not even looking.
I just know their next toolthey're going to grab, since
(28:35):
I've been through it so manytimes but again, I still have
not looked and I will not look,I never would look, and I'm not
even curious to find out how ithappens so you know when, when a
woman has a baby, naturally Ithink that would be worse from
the vagina if the father choosesto show up to the birth, which
(28:57):
apparently is not a super commonthing.
Tony (29:01):
Uh, I was told by my doctor that probably 80 of women
have their children with justtheir mother in the room well, I
mean, nowadays guys are pussies, right but the first thing they
do is they hand you a scissorsand they tell you to cut the
umbilical cord.
Jay (29:16):
Yeah, I didn't want to, I didn't do that he bites it like
the cone heads.
Tony (29:21):
So there there was a whole big ordeal with my childbirth
and I was a little bit bitter,so I refuse to do it from a
financial standpoint but, I'llget in that in a second.
But like when you have ac-section and the father's there
, do they ask you?
Yes, like yeah, they asked that.
They asked every time.
(29:42):
Do you want to grab the scalpel?
Jay (29:44):
make the first cut nothing like that, not that you want to
get in there I thought you meantthe bilko card part.
Yes, they have that shit.
Hold the skin flap, oh God.
No, they do ask would you liketo come over?
We have a spot for you,Perfectly bright.
See everything.
No, go behind her head.
Tony (30:03):
Just keep the curtain up.
Keep the curtain up, don't fuckwith me.
Here's the deal with uh, withmy childbirth and I basically, I
basically did all the work,like when you're giving, when my
child was born you're gonnatell me the story of your
experience when you were born.
(30:25):
So I I worked in the union andI had this amazing insurance
right.
It was like every time you wentto the doctor they cut you a
check back.
The insurance is so good.
Chris (30:39):
I'm about to get paid.
Thanks for coming in, sir.
Here's your payment for theweekend.
Jay (30:45):
And Tony sneezes at work.
He's like, oh shit guys.
Chris (30:48):
I got to go to the doctor .
Tony sneezes at work.
Jay (30:49):
He's like oh shit guys.
I got to go to the doctor but Igot to make an appointment for
today.
They usually get me in if I getwithin two hours, but you know
we tried having a kid for like10 years with no luck.
Well, you got to put it in thevagina instead of the butt.
Chris (31:13):
Yeah, he's got more than us.
Tony (31:15):
He knows.
Yeah, I mean Michelle waspretty naive when I met her and
she thought she could getpregnant from blowjobs.
So when we were trying realhard, I was getting tons of head
.
Jay (31:26):
Get over here, it's like she's got to not be on top.
It's gravity.
Tony (31:33):
But we tried having a kid for a long time and it didn't
happen and I quit that job tostart my own business oh yeah, I
thought you quit it because youcouldn't get her pregnant when
you're a new job, when you'reself-employed, your insurance is
fucking crazy.
Yeah, like it's, it's, itdoesn't you don't I did.
Jay (31:51):
It's like I didn't insure myself for like a decade risk on
plan out of pocket no, we justgone.
Tony (31:59):
We were paying like 1400 a month for like 20 of coverage
why wouldn't you just?
Chris (32:06):
I still have a soreness in my wrist from a fucking thing
I didn't get fixed when Ibusted my shit.
I did a fucking math in my head.
Tony (32:14):
And the worst part about it is when you are self-employed
and you are on a single plan,meaning not in a large group you
don't get things like I care orOB care, it's not in the cards.
Yep, what's OB?
(32:35):
Oh boy, the vagina care Oof Didyou not hear?
Dental care is never on anyplan even on the union Union
gives you dental care.
At the union it was Full, Yep.
I haven't paid Up to $3,thousand dollars a year which
basically covered a cleaning.
I remember when I had insurance.
Jay (32:56):
I had insurance a long time ago and I remember, like at
cutoba, they would only, theywould only pay for pulling a
tooth.
Tony (33:05):
Cutoba's insurance plan we only cover collestional related
items.
Chris (33:12):
They find a dentist that accepts gift cards.
Jay (33:15):
Dude I used to fucking barter Dink dink dink that's
350s right there.
Chris (33:24):
I used to barter that shit.
Jay (33:26):
That isn't funny.
I used to barter all the timewith everyone I knew with Qdoba
free burrito cards.
Chris (33:31):
You had the ones that were like 49 cents left for the
guys.
Like you can keep it.
Jay (33:36):
They were a legit paper card that said free burrito on
them.
It wasn't a pre-filled card orwhatever.
Tony (33:45):
Yes, dude, I used to barter all the time that made me
cry a little, Chris.
Jay (33:49):
But the truth is I did that everywhere.
But uh, no, I was gonna say,before you get finish your shit,
that's what made me remember itis.
I chipped my tooth on like abone in the meat from one of the
tacos I was eating.
So you filed workman's comp, sothat's why I?
Had to.
I had to pull my fucking toothout instead of trying to fix the
bitch and they're like that'sthe only thing that's covered.
(34:12):
If it's pulled, it's covered.
If it's not, do you dosomething more and fuck no yeah.
Tony (34:19):
So this fucking I quit, I go out on my own, we get the
super shitty overpricedinsurance and, uh, she gets
pregnant like almost immediately.
Chris (34:34):
So it's how it's always been my train of thought that
women always fuck everything up.
Jay (34:39):
It was it was insurance's problem that they didn't get
pregnant.
Tony (34:43):
If you're trying to get pregnant, all you have to do is
lose your job.
Stop trying.
You have no insurance.
Stop trying.
Jay (34:50):
So Well, you gotta have sex more than once a month too.
So we Not true.
Tony (34:55):
We ended up having to bargain shop hospitals, so we
had to call them and negotiatelike all-inclusive deals to have
a baby there, yeah, so we endup all inclusive Like uh, well,
yeah they, they like you pay youpay a set amount.
(35:19):
Yeah.
So the thing is is you don'twant to go in and have a baby
and they say well, you're goingto pay $1,800 a day for the room
You're going to pay, you know $a day for the room you're gonna
pay.
Chris (35:34):
You know, four hundred dollars a hour for your nursing.
Yeah, and when you have mywife's insurance, it does.
When you have those insurancewe had, it doesn't fucking
matter it doesn't matter.
Tony (35:39):
It doesn't matter, what we do, but for us it does.
It mattered a lot like I ain'tstaying here for fucking four
days so when I was in the union,we built this beautiful
facility called the aurorawomen's pavilion, and I'm sure
you guys had all your childrenat that place.
Jay (35:54):
No, no, I knew that you built it.
I didn't bring my family.
Look at the fucking tile shoddyconstruction work.
I didn't want to fall throughany floors or anything but you
know they, they were fuckingwonderful man.
Tony (36:05):
They had uh, their big thing was that they were giving
uh like steak and lobsterdinners the day before.
Once you have the kid, you getthis steak and lobster dinner.
They had a whirlpool right inthe room.
Jay (36:20):
No fucking hospital has lobsters on hand.
Chris (36:22):
The women's pavilion at Aurora does.
Jay (36:26):
So we called them.
Do they go to the closestSendix and get it?
How the fuck do they havelobsters on hand?
Tony (36:31):
They literally have a bus that drives back and forth from
West Allis, wisconsin, to Maine.
Chris (36:37):
They built a fucking ocean in the back area.
Jay (36:41):
Cultivated Wait, did you know?
There's lobsters in LakeMichigan and they're right next
to Lake Michigan.
Tony (36:47):
It's just a big crayfish yeah.
Jay (36:49):
Crawfish.
Tony (36:51):
Crayfish, crawfish Cray Is it cray?
It's craw if you're inLouisiana, but it's crayfish if
you live here.
Jay (36:58):
Is it a crayfish here, but a crawfish in Louisiana?
Is that what you just said?
Yep, okay, just making sure.
Tony (37:04):
But we call them, my wife's like it's non-negotiable.
My wife's like it'snon-negotiable, we're having our
child at the women's pavilion.
So we call them and they sayit's going to be like eighteen
thousand dollars for the you canhave your baby here package.
But they're like if you're poorand you're on state insurance
it's free.
(37:24):
Oh yeah, like you can be herefor fucking two weeks, it
doesn't matter and they actuallygive you money too.
Jay (37:29):
They just hand you a hundred dollars.
Your check on the way out givecards on the way out here.
Chris (37:33):
This ought to cover your deductible here.
This will cover your futuredental costs here.
Jay (37:38):
Do you need a couple thousand dollars for groceries
in the way here?
Tony (37:40):
you go.
So we start calling otherhospitals.
We call st luke's and they'relike oh, it's 11 000 advocate
here and we start calling.
And we start calling and we getdown to the fucking hood saint
francis in milwaukee that'swhere I was born.
That's where I was born and mywife was born there and my first
(38:01):
child because they said allinclusive vip 250 bucks.
Have your baby here, packageseven g's and we're like done.
And they told us here's thedeal when you come in to have
this baby, we need a cashier'scheck when you walk through the
(38:24):
door on this package deal.
There's no, we're gonna billyou when you leave.
This is a pay up frontsituation and kind of like um,
like a, like a veterinarian nofucking bullshit.
So we had to put our name on alist that we were going to have
our baby there when she wentinto labor.
(38:44):
I had to drive her 45 minutesto get back down to the hood
where I was born.
We take her in and atregistration they say do you got
that check?
It was a big fucking deal.
So I gave him my check.
They took us up to our fuckingcinder block room, had your baby
(39:05):
and uh, I think, she was therefor fucking five days.
three days, Well, three daysbecause she was in labor.
Jay (39:13):
That's insane man.
It usually takes like two daysafter they give birth, doesn't
it yeah?
Tony (39:19):
And we get up to the room and it's just a fucking you know
, they bought them at St Luke'sgarage sale, fucking pads and
shit like that.
And then I'm like like there'slike a folding chair in the room
and I'm like where am I gonnasleep?
And they said dads don'tusually stay here, folding chair
(39:40):
.
They're like we're gonna haveto go down to the basement and
find you a cot yeah, whatpackage did you get when you
first signed up?
Jay (39:48):
the no dads allowed pretty much.
They said it was their vippackage, but I think they
skimped a little bit in a couple.
Tony (39:50):
When you first signed up the no dads allowed Pretty much.
They said it was their VIPpackage, but I think they
skimped a little bit in a couplespots.
Extra $1,000 for the dad tostay over and the fucking doctor
who they called in to deliverthis baby, who was not my wife's
doctor, was so fucking pissedthat she had to come in on her
(40:11):
off day to deliver this baby Ithink she was more mad that it
took three days for that baby tocome out and I know it had
something to do.
When she found out we were on aprepaid package deal, she's like
I'm not even getting my fullmoney there's no action.
There's no action, nocomplication action they had to
give her a check at the nurse'sstation for coming in.
(40:32):
Everything in that place iscash up.
Pay me first, so when you everso when they asked me to cut the
umbilical cord, I saidabsolutely not.
I paid for full service.
Jay (40:45):
Yeah you told the washer baby that's a true story.
Tony (40:47):
My wife will verify it because she's still a little
pissed about it.
It's only been 11 years I.
Chris (40:56):
I didn't want to do it.
I had no interest.
No, I didn't do it.
Like do you want to bitethrough this umbilical cord, sir
?
Jay (41:02):
No, I didn't do it.
I mean, where do you cut?
They don't tell you yeah, theydo.
They put long string fuckingbloody.
So what they do is they putalien tentacles coming out.
Tony (41:12):
They put two.
I only know them as roach clipspinchers.
They're actually calledhemostats he hemostat something.
Well, you know, we don't knowthey pinch it and they leave
about an inch in the middle andthey tell you to cut in between
the two things.
Jay (41:29):
And I'm like it doesn't spray out at you.
Tony (41:30):
I'm like I think I'm good.
I'm like I paid for fullservice, like I don't pay for a
full service car wash and thenwash my own windows the dudes
fucking do it.
Jay (41:41):
I get it.
No, I get it.
I would be the same way.
I'd be like you cut it.
I'm just, I'm relaxing herewith the coke.
Tony (41:47):
Okay, I'm just I'll take her steak I'll take her steak
and lobster dinner and, uh, youguys can do this fucking heavy
leg work.
Chris (41:56):
I'm gonna go microwave up the rest of yuck.
Jay (42:03):
Yeah right, tony has nothing left over usually, and
then and then this is howfucking retarded I am.
Tony (42:09):
Uh, both my brothers were going through their own super
like bad times in their life.
It was like the day my son wasborn was both my brother's worst
day of their lives.
Oh boy, for completelydifferent reasons really and
(42:31):
after the kid was born, uh, theywere both like super mopey and
they were like uh, I think we'regonna go see a movie.
It was like 9 30 at night on.
Jay (42:43):
Uh, you're talking about them, you asking them to come to
the hospitals to see the baby.
Tony (42:47):
I would rather watch they were at the hospital oh okay and
uh, when they were leaving, uh,my young, my youngest brother
said to the middle brother islike, yeah, you want to go see
this movie.
And my brother's like sure, Idon't got shit to do.
So they were leaving to go seea movie when my kid was like 14
minutes old.
And uh, they were like you wantto come?
(43:08):
And I'm like yeah, sure, and Igo out by my wife, who's
apparently I mean, I don't knowto this day if it was real or
not, but apparently in pain,holding this brand new baby, and
I like, hey, I'm gonna go, joeand rick and go see this movie.
And she like she didn't.
(43:30):
It was a one time where shedidn't even have to say anything
.
I felt her look, I wasn't even,I wasn't even looking at her
and I felt it.
Jay (43:39):
I mean totally.
Chris (43:42):
And.
Tony (43:42):
I just said, is this a bad idea?
And she goes.
I don't know that there's everbeen a worse idea.
And I looked at my brothers andI'm like yo, I think I'm going
to pass on this movie.
Jay (43:55):
I think it's funny you even contemplating it.
But it's dude, I didn't eventhink.
I didn't even think about ityou're thinking about.
Tony (44:01):
I was just like oh shit, I'm gonna go hang with my
brothers for a while.
Chris (44:05):
Baby things done now for like a week my wife wore these
panties that she could fill withice cubes like a fucking cradle
in between her crotch, becauseshe was all fucking done for
business I don't remember thefirst time the doors reopened on
that thing oh, you didn't.
Tony (44:23):
You didn't tell the doctor , hey, throw an extra stitch in
there for me an extra stitch inthere for me.
Jay (44:30):
My, my wife was on uh bed rest with the second child and
we could not have sex for thewhole fucking time.
Chris (44:38):
No, baby sex which is fine because I kind of feel
weird about that I saw a tiktokwhere the girls just slipped the
doctor a 50 and then the doctortells the husbands that they
can't bang their wife for thenext six months well, when
you're coming to the end and thebaby's not coming out, they say
for the, the couple to have sexfor, to induce pregnancy or so
(45:05):
what do you do?
Where do you put the penis whenyou have sex, jay?
All right, let's close it up.
Tony (45:14):
That was when it got.
When it got late in thepregnancy, it was really really
difficult for me to want to havesex.
Jay (45:21):
Yeah, that's so.
Tony (45:23):
I'm like I don't want my dick, like folding around my
kid's head, to get in and outlike not a fucking chance.
Chris (45:32):
I think we should call this one.
This is Mark the Tape.
Top shelf story, sex episode.
How many?
Tony (45:40):
times a week?
Chris (45:41):
How many times a?
Tony (45:42):
month?
No, just name it safe for workand then dilated add two, and
what happens after you have sex?
Jay (45:50):
Get a baby.
Chris (45:52):
Gift card dental.
Tony loves that that wasfucking great.
I paid for full service.
Thanks for watching orlistening or whatever the fuck.
Jay (46:07):
Remember to subscribe Top shelf stories.
Leave a comment below.
Whatever you're fuckinglistening on, I don't know where
, but see you again.
Tony (46:16):
Leave a comment.
Shut up, tony Fuck.
Don't know where, but see youagain.
Leave a comment.
Jay (46:19):
Shut up, tony Fuck you, you , dick, ed Peace, we'll be right
back.
Popular Podcasts
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.