November 11, 2025 • 54 mins
We turn a routine elevator ride into a raw story about claustrophobia, control, and the messy, human way real rescues happen. Humor keeps us afloat, but the takeaway lands hard: trust your gut, know the exits, and don’t be afraid to choose the stairs.
• owning a lifelong fear of small spaces and what triggers it
• the moment the elevator dies and the buttons fail
• calling for help, waiting, and managing panic in the dark
• myths and truths about cables, counterweights, and safety
• getting stuck between floors and why doors won’t open
• improvising a rescue through the ceiling hatch
• how humor breaks fear’s grip without denying it
• lessons on preparation, patience, and choosing stairs
Take the stairs because you’re way safer. It’s more exercise and makes your heart safe and your body safe. So just do it
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (00:00):
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_02 (00:21):
What's up?
What's up?
What's going on, guys?
What's up?
What's up?
Welcome to Top Shelf Stories.
Your favorite podcast to get thebest stories you've ever heard.
There you go.
You like that little voice idea?
I don't.
I didn't like it.
Anyway, I be well, I'm kind ofuh I'm disembogul bog me with
that word, Chris.
(00:42):
Discombobulated.
Is that is that how it goes?
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (00:44):
I have no idea what word you were doing.
SPEAKER_02 (00:46):
I am somewhat terrified because I have a huge
fear of something.
And I think a lot of people havethe same fear.
Is it tall man?
Spiders.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01):
Changing light bulbs.
A hard day's work?
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Why is that so funny, Tony?
SPEAKER_02 (01:08):
You know why?
Shut the fuck up.
I am more harder worker thanyou.
SPEAKER_01 (01:13):
Yeah, for sure.
You son of a bitch.
I just don't want theconfrontation right now, so I'm
just gonna fucking agree.
SPEAKER_03 (01:20):
Is it waking up before the sun?
SPEAKER_02 (01:22):
I would I you know what?
To be honest, that's like one ofmy favorite things to do, but I
just can never do it.
Um, I'm claustrophobic as fuck.
I'm terrified, terrified ofsmall spaces.
I've always thought to myself,if I ever okay, so you know when
you have real realistic dreamsand you're like, damn, like a
(01:42):
terrible nightmare.
Like you never want to haveagain.
Like, dude, I come over HeatherGraham.
SPEAKER_03 (01:51):
Terrible dream.
SPEAKER_02 (01:51):
Terrible dreams.
Okay, so I I'm always terrifiedto have a dream.
I'm stuck in a coffin or or oror underground or something like
that.
I never had that dream yet.
SPEAKER_03 (02:02):
Was it your claustrophobia that caused you
to come out of the closet?
SPEAKER_02 (02:06):
Trust me, if I was in that closet, I'd have been
gone before I even barely gotin.
SPEAKER_04 (02:11):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (02:12):
No, but I this is like the worst fucking
experience I've ever had, and Idon't wish to pond my worst
enemy.
I was wait, wait.
SPEAKER_03 (02:21):
Were you claustrophobic before this
experience?
No, yes, 100%.
SPEAKER_01 (02:25):
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (02:26):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (02:26):
My brother.
So how do you drive yourself towork then?
I know I can get out of your carin your little panel truck with
no windows.
SPEAKER_02 (02:34):
I know I can get out of the car when I please.
Like an airplane, a kind ofclaustrophobic.
Like I get a littleclaustrophobic because I know
for that first hour, well,entire flight, I can't get out
of the fucking airplane.
So that's kind ofclaustrophobic.
Or when I was younger, mybrother used to put a blanket
over the top of me and fuckingleg.
(02:58):
Yeah, that was one thing.
The other thing was he would notlet me out of the blanket.
And I would get I think that'swhat spiraled the well being
closed for.
Being trapped.
Being trapped.
So I got stuck.
I live in an apartment building.
I got stuck in our elevator.
SPEAKER_03 (03:18):
How many floors?
Three.
How many floors up was it?
Or I guess it doesn't reallymatter.
SPEAKER_02 (03:23):
Well, when you're stuck in an elevator, yeah, it
doesn't matter how many floorsyou're because my main fear of
being stuck in an elevator isthat it's gonna fall.
SPEAKER_03 (03:30):
Like if a door won't open, then how's the cable gonna
hold?
SPEAKER_02 (03:33):
So you're afraid that you're gonna fall and die?
SPEAKER_03 (03:34):
That's the only fear of death.
SPEAKER_02 (03:35):
What if you only go up one floor?
SPEAKER_03 (03:38):
Still like twelve feet.
Okay, so I was From or maybe noteight, nine, ten.
SPEAKER_02 (03:42):
I don't remember how high.
I don't I don't know how high Iwas up.
But I got in the elevator aftergetting the mail.
And all of a sudden I heardthis.
I'm like, oh fuck.
No, you were alive.
No way.
It's just you?
Just me.
No way this is happening.
No way this is not happening.
And all of a sudden the lightswent out and it's everything
(04:06):
completely stopped.
Like I didn't hear sounds.
I the lights on the numbers topush were gone, and I knew.
SPEAKER_01 (04:14):
And and your bougie building uh is one wall of the
elevator all glass where you cansee outside.
SPEAKER_02 (04:24):
No, everything's it's completely solid steel.
Even the ceiling is steel.
SPEAKER_01 (04:29):
Like a poor person elevator?
SPEAKER_02 (04:31):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (04:32):
It's crazy.
SPEAKER_02 (04:33):
It's actually it's it's not uh I can't think of
this given description.
SPEAKER_01 (04:39):
Is it an Otis?
Because I'm very brand loyalwhen it comes to elevators.
SPEAKER_02 (04:44):
So if there's an elevator Schneider's, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (04:47):
He walks in, it's a Schneider, and he's like, I'll
take the fucking stairs.
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (04:51):
48 floors.
SPEAKER_01 (04:52):
I'm like, until this building can afford Otis, I'm
out.
SPEAKER_02 (04:56):
There's no way Tony's taking stairs.
Look at him.
So I was stuck.
I knew I was stuck after hearingthe noise and knowing the lights
turned off.
So the only thing like, have youever been in this situation?
What do you do?
You know you've seen panicbuttons on the elevator things
before, and you're like, ha haha, I never pushed that shit.
Fire fire department button orcall button.
(05:18):
You ever push those?
No, you never.
SPEAKER_03 (05:22):
I've gotten on elevators, and then like the
door won't close again.
And I'm like, nope, I'm out.
Like I just nope, not working.
Nope.
I'm not gonna do it.
See you later.
See you.
And the door takes like an hourto open.
Like, no, just take the stairs.
SPEAKER_02 (05:42):
Not doing that again.
unknown (05:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (05:44):
So no, I was stuck.
I was fucking stuck.
I knew I was stuck.
Uh like I said, no more noiseswere happening.
So I was like, fuck, what am Igonna do?
I had my phone, thank God, so Icould give a call.
But first I gave a before I Icalled anyone, I remembered the
little buttons by the thenumbers.
(06:04):
Like a bell.
A bell or a fire departmentthing.
So I pushed all of them.
I pushed even all the fucking Ipushed everything I could think
of.
None of them worked.
None of them.
It was still dark.
So I'm like, shit, what thefuck?
SPEAKER_01 (06:17):
Like, um So so lights are out.
Lights are out.
Now you're using your phone.
No, I'm not using my well, I Ihave so basically I have my I
imagine.
I imagine if you'reclaustrophobic, you also have
somewhat, maybe not a cripplingfear, but a slight fear of the
(06:38):
dark.
SPEAKER_02 (06:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:39):
Yes, I do.
Yes.
I used to like would you walk inthe woods at night?
SPEAKER_02 (06:44):
Yeah.
Because it's you have a moon tolight the sky.
SPEAKER_01 (06:48):
Light in the No, I didn't say in an open field.
SPEAKER_02 (06:51):
I don't know.
I don't know of a woods beingthat dark where you can't see
anything.
I don't go to the fuckingwilderness.
That means it's no, he doesn't.
I live in the city.
I have s street uh lights onevery street.
Well, they don't run them in theforest.
That's what I'm saying.
I I've never been into a forestwhere it's pitch black.
I've had separation of the treeswhere I could see the moon or
(07:14):
the stars where it's been lightenough where I knew what the
fuck was going on.
You've been somewhere where youcouldn't see anything because
the stars are.
Get the fuck out of here.
SPEAKER_03 (07:27):
Turn on my flashlight and look for my flag.
SPEAKER_02 (07:30):
You gotta hold you gotta hold the microphone, not
the wire.
There you go.
SPEAKER_03 (07:34):
I'm trying, dude.
SPEAKER_02 (07:35):
There you go.
You're holding the wire.
Now you're not.
SPEAKER_01 (07:36):
Okay, good.
So so I I like to think that I'mnot afraid of the dark at all.
But there have been times whereI went out hunting and I
actually woke up on time to goout into the woods.
And and when you wake up late,you get out, and there's just
(07:57):
like the crack of light whereyou can where you can see and
stuff.
But I've been in the woods whereit's so dark you can't see your
hand in front of you.
It's wild, dude.
Like it is wild.
SPEAKER_03 (08:09):
I've never been in there the most amount of dark
you can possibly you start in acrew of like three going out,
and then like someone just kindof like clicks their flashlight
and you look over at them, andthey're like, I'm going this
way.
SPEAKER_02 (08:23):
This is my spot over here.
SPEAKER_03 (08:24):
So you lose one and then you go a little bit
further, and the other guy'slike, This is my stop here.
You're gonna be good.
Yeah, you're good.
unknown (08:30):
I'm good.
SPEAKER_03 (08:31):
And then you start walking yourself and you walk
like 20 steps and you're byyourself, and you're you look
back and you can't see.
Can't see.
There's nothing anywhere.
And you start to hear you stop,and you hear like or whatever.
What is that?
You don't know what it is.
That's when it gets scary, andyou're like, all right, headlamp
(08:52):
on, I'm gonna turn my headlampon.
That'll help.
It's a fucking bear orsomething.
You don't know.
The dark.
I don't like it.
SPEAKER_02 (08:58):
It's the dark.
I wouldn't then to answer yourquestion, Tony.
No, I would not do that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:03):
Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02 (09:04):
Until a sun can't be.
SPEAKER_01 (09:06):
Especially when you get out like you got a shotgun
over your fucking head.
If you're lucky enough, likelet's just say you get up on
time and you get to a tree standlike an hour and a half before
it gets light.
SPEAKER_03 (09:19):
And you're in the air.
SPEAKER_01 (09:20):
And it is you you make it up the tree, you you
flashlight all the way to yourtree, you climb the ladder, you
fucking hook your shit up to theto the line, and you pull all
your stuff up, you get allsituated, that light goes off.
Why can't you just and you justsit there for a fucking hour,
like an hour and ten minutes inthe pitch dark, in the pitch
(09:41):
black, and all you can do ishear things around you moving
because all the animals arefucking nocturnal.
They they just walk.
SPEAKER_02 (09:52):
Alright, I got a question.
Okay, you're deer hunting.
I gotta go again.
What the fuck is the reason adeer hunt in the pitch black?
SPEAKER_03 (09:57):
Because you gotta get up to the spot before the
deer wakes up, and then the deerwake up and you get to shoot at
SSL.
Why don't you just fall back andyou're drinking beer by noon and
it's the best weekend ever?
That's why.
SPEAKER_01 (10:06):
So here's the thing.
Deer are are technically on anopposite schedule of people.
Their eyes work better in thedark than it does in the dark.
Every animal does.
Not every animal.
Animals' eyes don't work betterin the dark.
Squirrels, all them kind ofanimals, they don't fucking
really go out.
SPEAKER_02 (10:26):
I didn't know you're a fucking animal protection.
SPEAKER_01 (10:28):
Turkeys on dark night eyeballs.
Uh but some animals areextremely nocturnal.
And uh so they spend all nightfeeding.
They eat breakfast, lunch, anddinner from dark till dark.
SPEAKER_02 (10:43):
So is this the time where they're not uh vulnerable
to attack by somethingpredatorial?
Well or predators?
They are.
Then why do they do that atnight?
They're they're prone to attack.
So predators can't see better,predators can't see better at
night.
SPEAKER_01 (11:01):
I mean, most most of their predators are from the dog
family, and dogs can go eitherway.
Like you?
Yeah, like me on a Saturday.
Um so your goal in getting outto the woods early is catching
them from where they're eatingtheir dinner to where they're
(11:25):
going to sleep for the day.
So you're hoping you're in theright spot.
I get it.
That you catch them in thatwhatever half mile or whatever
that they travel to get fromwhere they finish eating to
where they go to bed.
Okay, I get it.
SPEAKER_02 (11:42):
I get it.
SPEAKER_01 (11:43):
So you want to be there and invisible by the time
it's light enough to shoot atthem.
You know what it reminds me?
SPEAKER_02 (11:50):
You remind me of my dad.
Like I told you I got it, like16 times.
Yeah, but I could tell by thelook on your dad.
SPEAKER_01 (11:58):
Maybe your dad can notice this look on your face
also.
SPEAKER_00 (12:03):
Yeah, I don't know.
Of complete confusion.
SPEAKER_01 (12:07):
Of complete confusion, and you just going,
uh I got it.
Let me get back to my I don'tthink you got it.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
Let me get back to my elevator.
SPEAKER_01 (12:16):
Let me start over.
God damn it.
So here's the thing.
Animals.
All right, so you're you're in apitch black elevator.
Pitch black elevator, but thegood set the scene.
What are you wearing?
Please say nothing.
SPEAKER_02 (12:29):
The good thing is uh the the the pitch blackness does
not last long.
The lights turn back on.
So thank God for that.
So you're like, okay, I'm in theclear.
It's somewhat, yeah.
Like it's turning back on.
I feel like the power just madeit.
Yeah, rebooted the system.
Exactly.
Like someone knocked a fuse orsomething.
Yeah.
(12:49):
Fucked with the elevator shaft.
And I'm ready to go back to mymy room.
So then I start hearing uh theset.
unknown (13:00):
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
SPEAKER_01 (13:02):
Tick tick tick.
I'm like, it sounds like strandsof an airline cable.
Yeah, that's bad.
SPEAKER_02 (13:07):
Popping one at a time.
Okay, so that sound was not notgood.
It was like someone from otherfloors were pushing the buttons
for the elevator to try to callit, call it to their call it,
and they're swearing out loud.
SPEAKER_01 (13:23):
Because they're in the third floor by the elevator
door, listening to a very echoedversion of a grown man crying
with his clogged tear docks.
No tears, just all the sounds.
Thank you.
No tears.
SPEAKER_03 (13:38):
He sounds like he's crying, but he looks fine.
I don't know if he's faking itor not.
SPEAKER_02 (13:44):
Nothing's come out of my eyes, just fucking weird
sounds.
Yes, I I I just hear peopleclicking the elevators, and I'm
like, Jesus Christ, how longhave I been in this fucking
elevator?
SPEAKER_01 (13:56):
Yelling through the crack of the door, Jeremiah! Is
that you?
SPEAKER_02 (14:01):
Jack, John?
Yeah, they Jonathan.
Uh the so the the running jokeis no one knows my name at the
apartment building.
Yes, they don't.
They call me Jack, they call meJay, everything with this J.
Maybe white any white guy namethat starts with the J.
But J.
But just fucking saying J.
So I'm stuck in this elevatorfor probably about like five
(14:24):
minutes, and I'm freaking out.
I push all the buttons, and thenI get uh a hold of uh the
emergency, whatever it was, andthey're like, Okay, where are
you?
So this is actually like adirect link to the fire
department or I something alongthe lines, and they're like,
Where are you?
(14:44):
address this and that.
I gave them all the information,and they're like, Okay, we'll
send over a crew, blah, blah,blah.
Thank you.
Okay, so I'm like, Thank God,I'm in the clear.
I mean, this is New Berlin.
SPEAKER_01 (14:57):
We're at a like a two-minute window of you know,
yeah, they're like, We'resending the crew up from
Chicago, they'll be thereshortly.
SPEAKER_02 (15:05):
Yeah, and New Berlin, they they respond within
a minute, you know.
So after like five minutes, I'mstarting to freak out even more.
I'm claustrophobic, so it'sfreaking me out.
So then I call my wife.
I was like, hey, I'm stuck inthe elevator at her place, and I
it's not working.
And you know where I'm at withmy insanity and claustrophobia.
SPEAKER_01 (15:30):
So do something about it.
Yeah, she's she's just like shebrings the pry bar and just gets
the door open a little bit andjust like fucking blobs you a
Xanax.
It's to be okay.
It's raining pills.
I'm just open my mouth.
Tracy's like, you got threehours and 40 minutes to get them
(15:52):
out before the Zanny wears off.
SPEAKER_02 (15:56):
So she calls up the uh the uh managers of the
apartments and is like, gay, yougotta my my husband's stuck in
an elevator and he'sclaustrophobic.
He needs help now.
And she's she's like demandingit, and she's really stern with
what she does because she and weever have a problem, she's the
(16:18):
one that that that calls.
SPEAKER_03 (16:19):
She's the one who gets all cairned out and starts
hollering.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (16:23):
So uh the after another half hour goes on, no
one shows up, nothing's stillhappening.
I'm on my phone, still freakingout, trying to take my mind off
of it.
So I'm on my phone playing videogames, watching reels, doing
everything I can to take my mindoff, being stuck in this tiny
little fucking elevator.
SPEAKER_03 (16:43):
Staring at the battery that's at 63, 64, 61,
28, getting down there.
SPEAKER_02 (16:50):
And all I can hear is uh my wife pounding on every
floor trying to find you.
I can just imagine Jason runningaround.
Jason or Jay, are you there?
SPEAKER_00 (17:02):
Jason, he's like, Can you hear my voice?
Can you hear it better now?
Can you hear it better now?
Like, no, you're getting furtheraway.
What floor are you on?
SPEAKER_02 (17:12):
So she's I don't know what floor she's I don't
know where the fuck I am.
I started the first floor, Idon't even know if it went up or
down.
And she's uh so we have okay, soyou have the basement, first,
second, and third floor.
So there's four options.
So I don't know where shestarted, but she started at the
wrong fucking spot, so I yelledat her to get closer, but she
got further away.
(17:34):
And then uh the management cameand I could hear them trying to
find out where I was too.
SPEAKER_01 (17:40):
I'm like, is there and there's nobody more suitable
to deal with an emergency thanan apartment building manager.
And you know what?
SPEAKER_03 (17:49):
The best thing about Jay giving instructions of where
he is.
SPEAKER_02 (17:54):
Like, what do you like?
Do you need to send do you needme to send my Apple the
location?
SPEAKER_03 (17:59):
You know that floor that's got that thing in the
corner that holds that thing init that's green.
Green?
That that that that thing that'sgreen that's I can't think I
can't.
It's not working.
You got you got uh so I thinkyou need a new mic.
SPEAKER_02 (18:18):
Uh so they they kind of finally found where it was.
And the reason why it was hardto find is because I was in
between the first and secondfloor.
And um in that situation you gotyou got a little bit of a
problem because you can't whereare you gonna get me?
Third floor, second floor.
SPEAKER_01 (18:38):
And the thing is, is if if somebody is trying to
rescue you and uh they theyenter the shaft of the elevator,
and then that elevator turns on,you got a real Liam Neeson type
situation.
You're riding on the top of anelevator.
Yeah, well, it's skyrocketing tothe top.
SPEAKER_03 (19:00):
Because if it's not working, you can't expect it to
work when you try to stop iteither.
SPEAKER_01 (19:04):
And you know, you know, I think I don't know this
for sure.
I think this might only be truewith Otis technology.
But if the cable if the cablesnaps in an elevator, it goes
up, not down.
What?
Yeah.
How's that?
It doesn't plummet down.
SPEAKER_02 (19:22):
I think it's if all the straps snap something with
the counterweight.
SPEAKER_01 (19:26):
I think that would be impossible.
SPEAKER_02 (19:28):
But you need a counterweight strap, like a cord
or something to counterweightit.
Yeah, I think what if all theweights, what if all the fucking
things strings snap?
SPEAKER_03 (19:37):
Never in my life have I ever heard in a scene in
a movie or heard any storiesabout someone being afraid or
elevators going to fly to thetop floor.
SPEAKER_01 (19:46):
It's like that's the thing.
SPEAKER_03 (19:49):
I think that's- I do think that there probably there
probably is some type ofsecurity feature in an elevator
that has counterweighting, but Ithink the part that breaks that
you're afraid is gonna fall isthat part.
I don't think so.
Because I think that partbreaks.
SPEAKER_01 (20:02):
That part that part breaks, and that's riveting.
Everybody at home is trying tofigure out what Chris is trying
to say.
SPEAKER_03 (20:18):
Anyway, I was looking for a mic.
That part breaks, and thenthat's what causes the elevator
to break because it doesn't haveits counter weighting anymore,
and then it falls to your death.
I don't know.
That's how they break.
That part breaks.
SPEAKER_01 (20:34):
Either way, top or bottom.
I'm not trying to be in anelevator shaft with a sketchy
elevator.
No, no, no.
I swear to god, man, them oldestguys risk their lives every day.
SPEAKER_02 (20:44):
Well, I'm getting I'm getting to the point, like,
I'm still stuck in thiselevator.
How do I get out?
I'm stuck between two fuckingfloors.
Okay, so I can't get out fromthe the floor I'm on or the
floor above.
There's only one way to get out,man.
A plasma cutter.
No, there's only way to there'sonly one way to get out.
It's the it's the little hole inthe top, isn't it?
(21:07):
What there was to me when Ilooked at it, there wasn't a
hole.
This whole fucking ceiling ismetal.
Like, I don't know how I'mgetting out of this.
It felt like I was in a giantcylinder of death.
SPEAKER_01 (21:22):
And uh I guess there's that's exactly what you
were in.
SPEAKER_02 (21:26):
I know, but I guess there was uh an area above that
I could get.
SPEAKER_03 (21:29):
So the top wasn't just a bunch of lights and like
paneling like in an officebuilding.
You think it was solid?
It is solid, it was solid.
SPEAKER_02 (21:36):
It is solid.
SPEAKER_03 (21:36):
There are like what about the commercial of a
specially designed tool to openthe top?
SPEAKER_01 (21:45):
No, it did the top.
They don't want the Schneiderguys riding in their elevators
sneaking in and checking outtheir technology.
So was it the cord?
Their counter counterweightedtechnology.
SPEAKER_03 (21:56):
I've replaced the cord, and now I sound probably
much better for everyone athome.
SPEAKER_01 (21:59):
Okay, I guess it was the cord.
All right, so I'm stuck there.
Do me a favor, take that cordbefore we forget, wind it up,
throw it in the trash.
SPEAKER_02 (22:09):
No, that's a long cord, and I think there's
nothing wrong with it.
It's fucking broken.
Okay, anyway.
Next.
Uh so I'm stuck here.
Uh it's it's been a half hour.
SPEAKER_03 (22:19):
Which probably felt like a day.
SPEAKER_02 (22:20):
Oh, yeah.
It's just like it's like Tonysays, it's your body.
SPEAKER_03 (22:24):
You got up at the crack at 10:30, went and got
your mail, and now half theday's gone.
SPEAKER_02 (22:29):
Like your your body is leaving your body.
Your spirit is leaving yourbody, and you're just everyone.
SPEAKER_03 (22:35):
Like go up there and tell everyone where I'm at,
dude.
SPEAKER_01 (22:38):
So and you're in your spirit body when you have
an out-of-body body experience.
Are you taller?
Every time it happens to me, Ilook like a you're 6'1 and
you're out-of-body experience.
Well, motherfucker, if I'mfloating, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (22:55):
Every time I'm out of body does, and I look at
myself, I look like a 19 late90s Brad Pitt.
It's pretty cool, dude.
I'm like, hey, what's up, dude?
You look pretty good, man.
SPEAKER_01 (23:05):
Like Angelina Jolie ready, huh?
Yeah, dude, I'm like a plus sizeLeonardo DiCaprio.
He actually kind of is plus sizeright now.
He doesn't look too fit.
I don't know.
I haven't seen him.
Leonardo DiCaprio, that's thecraziest thing about that dude.
SPEAKER_03 (23:21):
He's been we did a whole segment on him.
SPEAKER_01 (23:26):
He's literally been a sex symbol in Hollywood for 20
fucking years.
Oh, no.
Way more than 20 years.
SPEAKER_02 (23:35):
Guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (23:37):
He's never been fit.
SPEAKER_03 (23:39):
I'll guarantee if you told Tracy that you got this
call from your friend who's inHollywood, who's who knows Leo
DiCaprio, who asked you to askyour wife if she could have a
hall pass for him, she'd belike, okay, I'll do that.
SPEAKER_02 (23:55):
All right, well if it's for you, Jay, I'll do it.
I actually, okay, so when I wasabout 16 or 17, I had I grew up.
You fucked Leo.
I had longer hair, and girlsused to actually say I look like
little.
I don't know.
I didn't believe this at all.
My nose is fucking huge comparedto his.
I don't look anything like him,but people used to say I look
(24:16):
like him.
And I that then I asked Tracyfrom what's hitting Gilbert
Gray.
SPEAKER_03 (24:29):
Pretty good.
Motherfucker.
Got him good, man.
Got him good.
SPEAKER_00 (24:37):
Stay thank you, Gilbert! Stay thank you.
You fucking dickhead.
You stop laughing now.
SPEAKER_02 (24:49):
Stop laughing now.
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
Stop it.
Cut my wife.
SPEAKER_02 (24:55):
What I want what I was gonna finish saying is for
some reason people I fogged mysafety grass.
His safety grass was just gone.
People should think I look likehim.
I don't know why.
So I I recently asked Tracy.
I'm like, Tracy, did you everthink Leonardo DiCaprio was hot?
Never once.
(25:15):
Or she said, never once did Ithink he was hot.
SPEAKER_03 (25:17):
She show him a picture of him now.
He's terrible looking.
That she's probably into itthough.
SPEAKER_02 (25:22):
Okay, anyway.
Okay, so I'm stuck in thiselevator for a half hour, 45
minutes, an hour, an hour and ahalf.
Now I'm at like I'm coming ontwo fucking hours.
Oh man.
I'm coming on two hours.
I'm still waiting for anyone toget there.
SPEAKER_03 (25:39):
I'm gonna run out of air in here.
SPEAKER_02 (25:41):
Every single thing you can think about, yes, it
happened.
I felt like there were spiderscrawling on me.
I feel like, yeah, I couldn'tbreathe.
I feel like the the walls wereclosing in.
I feel like I was in the fuckingthing that stars happen with
their fucking trash compact orcrawl.
SPEAKER_03 (25:57):
We're just gonna go out to lunch.
We'll be right back.
The guy's coming with the thing.
I feel like no one cared aboutme.
SPEAKER_02 (26:02):
I feel like they know it's like this what?
Who cares about this guy in theBerlin stalking the elevator?
Who cares?
SPEAKER_03 (26:08):
They're all in the office printing off signs like
elevator out of order so that noone else tries to use it and
gets mad.
SPEAKER_02 (26:15):
I feel like every sign on every level was marked
off before I was saved.
Yes, Chris.
SPEAKER_01 (26:22):
I think that happened.
The fire department's like, ohshit, that's probably the good
quick trip.
SPEAKER_03 (26:26):
They're like, no, Sydney.
SPEAKER_01 (26:27):
You're over in a parking lot at their little
solitary bistro table, all eaton Sydney.
SPEAKER_03 (26:33):
I need you to go back to the office and reprint
these centers text.
We can't have it read left.
It's gotta be centerset text.
Go put the new signs up and thenwe'll start trying to get Jay
out of here.
SPEAKER_02 (26:44):
So it was probably about an hour and 45 minutes
before I finally found outsomething might happen.
Because the maintenance guy fromthe I don't know if they call it
a different apartment or if itwas the old folks' home that's
close to ours.
Someone came from somewhere elsewith something that could
(27:04):
actually try to open thesedoors.
SPEAKER_01 (27:06):
He he actually was watching you on the camera in
the elevator on his phone andshut the elevator down so he
could have time to get out ofyour apartment.
Yeah, whatever.
Before he got up there.
SPEAKER_02 (27:19):
So I heard someone fucking with the doors and
trying to get it open.
So I was like, finally, oh mygod, you don't understand what
an hour and 45 minutes can do toyour life, your body, your
mentality, or your sanity.
SPEAKER_03 (27:36):
Being stuck is tough.
SPEAKER_02 (27:37):
It's like okay, first off, you're
claustrophobic.
Second off, you can't goanywhere.
SPEAKER_01 (27:43):
You're done, you're stuck.
Dude, when I was a kid, Ithought that was gonna be the
theme of my entire life.
I thought you're gonna go toprison, be stuck in his salad.
No, I I thought when I was a kidthat there was not gonna be an
instance where I was anywhereand I wasn't getting slightly
stuck in quicksand.
Oh, that was yeah.
(28:04):
I still I I had a fear aboutthat as well.
Like I hate I'm not sure whatfor years.
It was on every fucking TV show.
Indiana Jones?
Quicksand was like the mostcommon uh thing that somebody
got stuck in the world.
SPEAKER_02 (28:21):
It would look like real a real floor until you
walked in it.
Bro, I didn't know what's wrongwith you guys.
SPEAKER_01 (28:28):
I didn't know that our world was actually so void
of quicksand.
There isn't any anywhere.
SPEAKER_03 (28:34):
Oh, there's a lot of it.
There's never quicksand.
SPEAKER_02 (28:37):
A lot of it.
SPEAKER_03 (28:38):
Dude, I've been in so many different types of sand,
and none of them have been verynone of them have been quick.
SPEAKER_02 (28:43):
None of them.
None of them have been quick.
I watched a story of someone inFlorida digging a hole, and
there's a lot of uh what didthey call these that sink into
the ground?
Sinkholes, sinkholes.
I answered my own question.
Fuck.
Okay, so they dug a big hole,and these fucking kids were
standing in this hole, and allof a sudden, you know, the water
(29:05):
from the waves came in, and thesand started collapsing on them,
and they got stuck.
And literally, there was that'snot quicksand though.
Yeah, true, but it was stillsand in a room.
And no one could get them out.
It was scary.
I was scared watching it.
SPEAKER_01 (29:26):
Okay.
No one can get them out.
They literally created their ownquicksand pit.
Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_03 (29:33):
So it's been an hour and forty-five minutes.
The lights are on, people arepounding on doors.
Jay's phone's about to die.
SPEAKER_01 (29:40):
Well, let's make it work.
Let's say we yeah, I wouldn't.
I need a bell, plug it in.
SPEAKER_03 (29:50):
I had one of those muffins that makes me need to
poop.
SPEAKER_02 (29:53):
I gotta go.
Oh, imagine if I had a shit too,really bad.
Well, two hours is a good.
SPEAKER_03 (30:00):
No, range of having to pee again.
SPEAKER_02 (30:02):
I think if I had to shit, I think I would have just
shit.
SPEAKER_03 (30:05):
In an elevator, you have that call though, like,
wait, I'm the only one.
SPEAKER_02 (30:08):
I would have done what Tony did in his his school
class.
I would have shit.
SPEAKER_03 (30:12):
Where are you gonna put the shit, bro?
SPEAKER_01 (30:14):
Firefighters open.
SPEAKER_02 (30:15):
Where are you gonna put it?
One corner.
One corner.
SPEAKER_03 (30:18):
Four corners.
It's four by four.
Four by four, dude.
It's gonna stink.
SPEAKER_02 (30:22):
Oh, I can handle my own shit smell.
SPEAKER_01 (30:25):
Oh no.
Dude, could you just imagine?
You know, 40 minutes into it,they get it open.
You're standing in your ownpiss.
SPEAKER_03 (30:34):
Gone completely feral.
He's dancing around, rippedshirts, they're wrapped around
his head with headbands, armswith armbands.
SPEAKER_01 (30:42):
Squatting against the wall.
SPEAKER_03 (30:44):
He's got a small fire going.
SPEAKER_01 (30:46):
Using the wall to keep you up, just shitting out,
forming a triangled corner ofthis elevator, two fresh Puma
socks.
I don't have that wiping yourass.
SPEAKER_02 (30:58):
So I'm I'm um letting known that I can't get
out the doors.
There's no possible way ofopening them.
There's no power to it.
The elevator, the elevator iscompletely dysfunctional.
SPEAKER_03 (31:11):
You're like, you're just gonna leave it here
forever?
SPEAKER_02 (31:13):
What do you mean it doesn't work?
So, yes, I'm kind of crying,asking that question, Chris.
SPEAKER_01 (31:19):
What onus is already there putting a new elevator
next to the broken one?
SPEAKER_03 (31:25):
Don't worry about that noise.
It's the new shaft we'redrilling for the new elevator
through the floors.
SPEAKER_01 (31:32):
Really came through for the building.
SPEAKER_02 (31:33):
I'm thinking to myself, how then am I getting
out of here?
How?
And they said, one of the guys,the maintenance guys, is like, I
know there is a compartmentabove the elevator shaft.
And I was like, wait, do youknow?
Or is there one?
He's like, I think there's one.
(31:54):
I'm like, that doesn't help,man.
That doesn't help.
And I called him a name.
I didn't I didn't even know hisname.
I said, Rich! Jeffrey! I justsaid a name.
I just yelled out a name.
And uh he's like, okay, then Iknew he had like a plan.
He had a plan of getting me out.
(32:16):
A couple minutes went by.
He got the door from I think atwo, like the third story, the
the third story up.
So like he got one of the doorsup, open, and he climbed down to
the elevator.
I heard someone above me.
I was like a little relievedbecause now finally, you know,
there's something happeningwhere uh I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (32:38):
Someone else is kind of stuck too now.
You're not stuck alone.
This other guy's kind of stuckin here too.
SPEAKER_02 (32:44):
I didn't think about that, Chris, but yes, that could
have been a situation.
He's stuck too.
He's down here now, too.
But no, he knocked in theceiling.
He's like, there's a way out.
And I got excited more than everyou think.
He's like, it's through JesusChrist, our Lord Savior.
He's like, there's there's a wayout.
(33:06):
But I was like, there's aproblem.
And he's like, what's that?
And it's like the ceiling islike eight feet high.
How am I gonna get out of aceiling that high?
Parkour! So there there arethere are handle uh giant
handles on each side of theelevator on a parkour, you trade
(33:29):
like Tony just said, maybe I canget out that way.
But the way the ceiling was likeconstructed, it was like right
in the middle of the elevatorwhere you couldn't just like you
had to like propel yourself offthe wall and up.
Like you can't just go up.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, I see, I see whatyou're saying.
(33:50):
Like you know, it's the crazycompletely middle of the fucking
elevator.
SPEAKER_01 (33:53):
You're like, it's an eight-foot ceiling, you know.
I could without going on mytippy toes, I can touch an eight
foot.
SPEAKER_02 (34:00):
You can't touch how tall is this ceiling here?
SPEAKER_01 (34:03):
Nine.
No, this is this is eight.
SPEAKER_02 (34:07):
Oh stand up and touch it.
You've only got to see pushed onthe lights.
Okay.
Yeah, but guess what?
You're barely touching theceiling.
I'm not even on my tipping tall.
I know, but your tips of yourfingers are touching.
Okay?
Yes.
I'm not even fully extended.
(34:28):
Okay.
Place palm in the ceiling.
You want me to fucking do it andsee how far it takes me to get
up there?
SPEAKER_03 (34:32):
And you not only have to remember, Tony can't
tell how tall people are, man.
SPEAKER_02 (34:41):
Now remember that's not only 100%.
It's not only touching theceiling, Tony.
It's fucking grabbing andgetting out of it.
That's another thing.
Yeah, you gotta jump.
So, how do I do that withouthaving to be being able to even
touch the ceiling?
So there's no way I'm pulling mybody weight out of it.
(35:06):
Throw me a rope.
Give me a ladder.
SPEAKER_01 (35:09):
Do something that can help me get up higher.
He fuck he fucking trickles downa piece of dental floss.
He's like, Remember the ropesclass in gym.
SPEAKER_02 (35:21):
So he uh eventually, after like probably another 20
minutes, gets the shaft, theceiling open.
And uh again, I'm seeing it.
SPEAKER_03 (35:31):
So it opened from above as well.
SPEAKER_02 (35:33):
From above, yeah, from above, and he slipped the
thing to the side.
And this shaft is like if youwere fat, like Tony, um I'm
sorry, not Tony.
If you were overwhelmed, I don'tknow.
SPEAKER_01 (35:44):
I see I can't get through.
I've seen these manholes, dude.
I'd be rubbing titty againstthem for sure.
Your tits, your nipples would beremoved from being pulled out of
them.
Yeah, they're there foremergencies and for getting
carpet up to the floors.
SPEAKER_02 (35:57):
Yes, you can't it it didn't make sense to me.
And uh he all I hear all here isI got the thing open.
I saw it, and all of a sudden Isee a fucking arm go down.
Take my arm! I'm like, what?
Grab my good hand.
That's what I and all you Ithink about that now.
I didn't think about it thenbecause I was terrified.
(36:18):
But I think what's in likeputting it.
Give me your good hand.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinkingabout.
That fucking uh scary movie,fucking the best fucking Chris
Elliott.
Yeah, give me your strong hands.
SPEAKER_03 (36:28):
Take my strong hands is like his only I didn't even
say it right, and you guys knewwhat it was.
Yes, it's his most famous line.
SPEAKER_02 (36:35):
Oh, it's the best fucking funniest thing ever.
SPEAKER_03 (36:36):
There's so many different movies.
SPEAKER_01 (36:38):
Cameoed in him, been it's crazy that he's one of the
least attractive people I'veever seen in my life.
He really is, but he's so goodat that.
SPEAKER_03 (36:48):
Yeah, he's so good.
SPEAKER_02 (36:49):
Uh every comedian is not attractive except for you
know the very peculiar ones.
Because, you know, you gotta belike not good looking to be
funny, right?
Yeah.
Or short, like Kevin Hart.
Yeah.
So he like I said, reaches hishand down.
He's like, take my hand.
I'm like, what?
What how?
(37:09):
I can't even know.
Like, how you gonna lift me upin the air through this fucking
tiny hole?
SPEAKER_03 (37:17):
He probably thought you were a child down there.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (37:21):
Until he's so from above?
SPEAKER_03 (37:22):
Until he's so late down there.
SPEAKER_01 (37:24):
He's yelling down the shaft.
You're not gonna be late forschool tomorrow, Jason.
I guarantee it.
Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_03 (37:31):
So what did he throw down like a bunch of couch
cushions for you to stand on orsomething?
SPEAKER_01 (37:35):
I had to He's dropping phone books one by one.
SPEAKER_00 (37:39):
Build a staircase.
Have you learned how to stackyou?
SPEAKER_02 (37:44):
I just laughed so hard I farted.
That hurt too, kind of.
Who has phone books, Tony?
What the fuck is this?
This ain't 90s.
Get the fuck out of here.
No, I had to, yeah, like Tonysaid, parkour.
I had to put my legs on thesides where they had the
handrails and kind of like Didyou leave the mail inside of the
(38:07):
or did you bring the mail?
SPEAKER_03 (38:08):
Like, I'm still gonna bring the mail.
You shove it into your fuckingbelt.
SPEAKER_02 (38:13):
You gotta deliver the mail.
I had you know what I went downthere to do something.
I'm not gonna not do it.
And that's why your whole familycalls you Kyram alone now.
I put that shit in my in my inmy pants and I bring it up
there.
Yes, I did, Chris.
I did not leave it there becauseI didn't know how long this
elevator would be fuckingcommission.
(38:34):
I don't want anybody stealing mymail.
SPEAKER_01 (38:37):
So he You're like, I think I actually won publisher's
clearinghouse.
SPEAKER_02 (38:42):
So I double fisted his hands with both mine and
just held on tight.
He started to lift me up, I fellto the ground.
And I was like, dude, this isnot gonna work.
It's not gonna work.
He's like, Don't worry, man,it'll work.
Give me your hand.
Says the same exact thing, samesound, same everything.
Like, Jesus Christ, what areyou?
(39:04):
This isn't gonna work.
It's like I've seen it inmovies, man.
Give me your hand.
He didn't have anything to sayto me other than give me your
hand.
So I did it again.
And finally, like out ofnowhere, this fucking guy turned
into fucking Hercules and pulledmy ass up.
I got in that's hard.
That's like a 60-pound deadlift,dude.
(39:27):
I got halfway up that thing.
It's like three sacks of taters.
All he had to do was like leanover to the side, and I was
above the elevator.
SPEAKER_03 (39:36):
Grab my arm.
I've been taking one trips fromthe car to the house for years.
SPEAKER_02 (39:42):
Like he did, his one arm was big.
It was it was big.
But you know what?
He didn't get me in the firsttry.
So I disagree with what he hadgripped.
His psychology was thick.
SPEAKER_01 (39:52):
He probably thought you let go.
SPEAKER_03 (39:53):
He's like, give me your fucking hand again.
SPEAKER_01 (39:55):
He's like, Don't worry, this arm's strong enough.
This is the arm I jerk off with.
SPEAKER_02 (40:00):
And all I could see after I got out of the darkness
of the cave of the fuckingelevator was my family looking
at like, I just five double.
How far up was the?
SPEAKER_00 (40:12):
How far you get out of the shaft and Tracy is like I
want a divorce.
So how far up was the actualexit?
SPEAKER_01 (40:28):
I could just see all fucking four of them standing up
there, arms crossed.
SPEAKER_03 (40:36):
Got a paper and a pen.
Sign this divorce.
SPEAKER_01 (40:41):
The youngest kid looks at the middle, kid.
Can you believe thismotherfucker?
No.
It's not my dad.
When I fucking mission itpossible, I could do it myself.
No, it's like the first timeRicky Bobby lost a race.
(41:03):
And his wife's immediately getmarried to Cal.
Sorry.
Only day winners.
Only day winners.
SPEAKER_02 (41:16):
So when I when I got when I got on top of the
elevator, there was another fourfeet before I get to the next
level.
So I'm not, I don't see anyoneuntil I get on my knees getting
out of the elevator.
And then, like I said, I lookedup.
And then my all my kids arelooking at me.
SPEAKER_01 (41:36):
This is a time where the where the elevator flips
back on and you majesticallyrise up.
They just see your head comingup from the open door.
SPEAKER_02 (41:46):
I've seen so many movies where someone is half out
of the elevator and they getjust ripped in half.
And all that's that's like thenext thing I'll I'll the only
thing I thought about was how amI getting out of this elevator?
It should have stayed in the boxwithout getting ripped in half.
Because I had to climb up four,like I had to four feet is kind
(42:07):
of high, okay?
I had to help my.
SPEAKER_01 (42:38):
Did anybody start a slow clap?
Or no, yeah, they did.
SPEAKER_03 (42:42):
Yeah, the residence.
SPEAKER_02 (42:43):
Dude, I had I had like 15 people down the hallway.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (42:49):
Everyone was clap doors.
They're like, you hear aboutthat guy John?
SPEAKER_01 (42:53):
They're like, Jonathan made it out of the
elevator.
Did you hear what happened?
SPEAKER_03 (42:57):
John, I thought it was Jerry.
No, it's Johnny.
It's not Johnny, that's Johnny.
SPEAKER_02 (43:03):
Everyone does know my name.
Jeremiah.
Yeah, there was there was asilent one.
But it was a really peculiarclap.
Like, should we really clap?
I mean, what really happened?
What did he do?
Yeah, like what really?
But it was a clap.
SPEAKER_01 (43:18):
A sweaty mess of anxiety rolling out of the open
door.
SPEAKER_02 (43:22):
When I came out, I felt like crying his flip-flops,
his wife's fucking pants.
When I came out of the elevator,I felt like I just survived
9-11.
Yeah.
And I was not dirty, though.
Crazy, dude.
Full of smoke.
SPEAKER_03 (43:37):
I've never been stuck in an elevator.
SPEAKER_02 (43:40):
But that was the worst uh experience of my life.
And I can imagine that if thiswas something where like it was
like a skyscraper or somethingreally tall where like literally
someone had to propel themselvesdown, yeah, I would be apt.
SPEAKER_03 (43:57):
So how long after that did you get on an elevator
again?
SPEAKER_02 (44:00):
Oh, I haven't I've gone up the stairs since.
SPEAKER_03 (44:02):
No way.
SPEAKER_02 (44:03):
Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (44:04):
My brother got stuck in an elevator, or maybe his
friend was the one who gotstuck, but his friend was in
there as well with him, or mybrother knows of the story.
Or he was waiting maybe for hiselevator to come down.
So it was after a concert at theMGM Grand, and all of the kids,
all the guys in the concert werein the elevator and they were
all jumping and all this shit,and they like busted it stopped.
(44:27):
And then like the security cameand they're like, Oh, it's the
fucking override.
Stop jumping in the elevator.
They pushed the button and lethim down.
So it wasn't that dramatic.
It didn't last that long.
But they were crammed in theirlike sardines, like arm-to-arm.
Jumping up and down.
They were trying, they werefucking raucous, raucous, right?
So finally he comes off theelevator.
I think that's what my brotherwas waiting for him.
(44:48):
Finally comes off the elevatorand immediately gets right on an
elevator and takes it up to hisroom.
You didn't even care.
He was on an elevator, he wasstalked, nearly died, all these
people, the whole thing.
But it wasn't that long of anevent that he was stuck, so he
just got right back on it.
SPEAKER_02 (45:05):
Well, think about this though, Chris.
He knew the reason of the defecton the elevator.
I don't know what the fuckhappened.
SPEAKER_03 (45:11):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (45:11):
He knew that these motherfuckers were in the middle
of the day.
SPEAKER_03 (45:13):
No way I would get right back on the same elevator
in the same, like next to theelevator.
No, you're right.
SPEAKER_02 (45:18):
Yeah, because it could affect like all the
things.
It's the same.
They're always the other.
It's all one.
It's like a disease.
SPEAKER_03 (45:24):
It affects the other elevators.
SPEAKER_01 (45:28):
I'm going to tell you this right now.
I've never had a quote unquotebad experience on an elevator,
mainly because of you know theoldest thing.
But um idiot.
I'm gonna tell you the mostnervous I've ever been on an
(45:49):
elevator is so when I go to LasVegas, I usually stay at this
place called the Excalibur.
SPEAKER_03 (45:56):
Ben, yep.
SPEAKER_01 (45:57):
It's the shittiest place in the nicest area.
SPEAKER_03 (46:00):
$72 for three nights.
Oh, hell no, you get$100.
You get$150 in gambling credits.
SPEAKER_02 (46:07):
Wait, say again?
How much?
Well, that's like the fees.
SPEAKER_03 (46:09):
Yeah, the resort fees.
You pay like$15 resort fee pernight kind of thing.
SPEAKER_02 (46:14):
No, say again.
SPEAKER_03 (46:15):
It was like$75 for three nights with taxes, resort
fee, the whole thing.
SPEAKER_02 (46:19):
Yeah.
Yeah, they give it to you forfree.
Oh, because they want you towaste money on the casino.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (46:24):
They don't do that every casino?
No.
Not all of them.
Not all the time either.
So my convention is at uhMandalay Bay.
SPEAKER_03 (46:33):
That one's connected with the monorail.
SPEAKER_01 (46:35):
So there's a monorail that's free to take.
It comes every five minutes, andit goes the almost two miles
between these three hotels.
And it goes uh Mandalay Bay,Luxor, which is the big pyramid,
and Xcaliber, which is theabsolute fucking dump.
(46:56):
So if I go on my MGM.
I think I blew it up.
If I go on my MGM app, umbasically the way it works is
Excalibur is free anytime I wantto go for however long I want to
go for.
I mean, like$45.
SPEAKER_03 (47:15):
What's the difference?
Right.
You just gotta go down to thedesk and ask them to refund the
fee and they will.
SPEAKER_01 (47:21):
And uh if I go to Luxer, I pay about$40 a night.
What?
It's a little bit nicer.
If I go to Mandalay Bay, it canbe anywhere.
$1,700 a night.
It can be last convention, uhthe the nightly rate was like
(47:41):
$680.
Oh, that's the cheapest?
Yeah.
With with my with my players'reward points.
SPEAKER_02 (47:49):
So give me uh a one through ten for that six hundred
dollar knife line.
SPEAKER_01 (47:55):
Mandalay bait, like overall, is probably a six or a
seven.
That's forty dollars?
No, that's six hundred and six.
Okay, so what's the forty dollarone?
How much is what what the fortydollar one, Luxer in the middle,
yeah, is probably like a four,maybe.
So you're you're only losing twopoints for uh an excaliber is
(48:18):
maybe like a three.
I would Jesus, dude.
That's not bad.
So I always stay in the Xcaliberbecause it's free.
Yeah, and that monorail stay ina shithole.
Yeah, it the monorail takes meexactly where I need to go.
Like how shitty is it though?
Like a Motel 8.
(48:38):
It's way nicer than a Motel.
SPEAKER_02 (48:40):
Okay, so then it's not bad.
SPEAKER_01 (48:41):
It's not bad.
Nothing wrong with it.
But you know, if you go down, ifyou go down, I I don't know if
you've ever been to Vegas, butthere's a strip and it's it
seems like it's about two mileslong of hotels, but it's like
10, 15 miles.
And I mean there's a couplehotels on there that are$2,000 a
(49:02):
night.
SPEAKER_04 (49:03):
They're much amazing, though.
SPEAKER_01 (49:05):
They're they're fucking beautiful.
But uh Xcaliber is the shittiesthotel in the nicest area.
So that's where I usually stay.
But last year I stayed at theLuxer.
Uh which is which is a littlecloser to management.
How much is that one?
It was like 40 bucks a night.
(49:26):
Okay, so it doesn't matter.
And and I was paying for I waspaying for uh three or four
rooms.
So um it just it it just madesense.
Say like, hey guys stay there.
SPEAKER_02 (49:40):
You're like, hey, hey employees, I got a little
extra dough.
We're not staying at the freeone, giving you a$40 night one.
So we got an extra point.
SPEAKER_01 (49:48):
So the thing was is we would have stayed at
Excalibur, but we couldn't get aroom.
We couldn't get the it was threerooms.
We couldn't get three rooms onthe same floor.
So why does that matter?
Well, because I'm there with myboys, like and Luxer guaranteed
me three rooms in a row.
It doesn't matter.
(50:09):
You hang out in someone's roomand you go to bed.
Fuck.
Um but anyway.
Right, Chris?
Uh so we stayed there, and uh itwas one of the guys' first it
was my brother Joel's first timegoing on an airplane, staying at
a fucking real hotel.
(50:31):
Like he had a lot of firsts.
Um how much was she?
Uh they're really reasonable.
Yeah.
Especially if you tell him it'syour first thing.
You could you could get one, nointernal damage, but something
like crabs, like 30 bucks.
Gross.
Gross.
You always tell me about the whyare you telling this story
(50:54):
though?
If you're losing me.
You know, when it comes tohookers in Vegas, if you're
willing to take open box, youcan get it for like half price.
Yeah, yeah.
But I think you might be gettingtoo much.
We decided to stay in the in thepyramid rather than the big
tower.
SPEAKER_03 (51:10):
The thing about hookers in Vegas is if you make
them think you got money, butwhen they when you fall asleep
and they try to rob you andthere's a note in your wallet
that says, Gotcha, bitch, shewas free.
Yeah.
Because some of them will comeback to you pretending they're
not hookers just so they can robyou.
SPEAKER_02 (51:26):
And if you doesn't a pimp come up to you and say,
Where's the money for thatnight, bitch?
SPEAKER_03 (51:31):
No, these kind of girls don't got no pimps.
What?
SPEAKER_01 (51:34):
Yeah, I had to explain to the people I was with
that was their first time inVegas that do trust me.
She doesn't like you.
She doesn't like you.
SPEAKER_03 (51:43):
No matter how pretty, how ugly, how nice she
thinks she is, how you think shemight be a man, she don't like
you.
Ew, yeah.
That's the scary thing, though.
SPEAKER_01 (51:52):
Anyone could be a man.
But the the pyramid towerelevators don't run up and down.
SPEAKER_03 (52:02):
What?
They they run on chug chug chugchug.
SPEAKER_01 (52:06):
Why?
They because it's in a pyramid.
Oh.
So they start at the first floorand then they tell you it's like
a 36-degree angle.
That's fucking well.
SPEAKER_02 (52:16):
You know what?
I that's better than going up.
It's down directly down anddirectly up.
And it is that fall would be wayeasier.
SPEAKER_01 (52:24):
So fucking crazy.
Like holding your balance goingon this thing.
But wouldn't the fall be wayless extreme?
Well, I don't know.
I think they go straight up.
What are you talking about?
You know, if something breaks, Ithink they go straight up,
straight out the roof.
Oh, you're saying shoot out thefucking ceiling?
(52:44):
Yeah, right out that lightshining up at top of the point.
I don't know.
I don't know elevators.
I'll call my guy from Otis.
SPEAKER_03 (52:52):
The scariest elevator I was ever in was on uh
the arch.
Because that one goes up, thenover, then up, then over, then
up, then over.
Because it's an arch.
SPEAKER_02 (53:02):
But I want to understand though, like how is
that uh how is that engineered?
I don't I feel like that is likethe most importantly.
I guess.
I mean, don't you think thatwould cost a fortune to do
something like that?
SPEAKER_03 (53:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (53:20):
But do they have the money though?
SPEAKER_03 (53:21):
Yeah, it's the go yeah.
It's the what?
They already did it.
It's already done.
No, what what what is it?
What did you say about it?
Well, the U.S.
government built the arch.
What is it?
The arch?
Yeah, the arch in St.
Louis.
Oh, the arch.
Gateway to the west.
I've never been there.
SPEAKER_01 (53:36):
I thought it was the gateway to fentanyl.
No.
SPEAKER_03 (53:42):
So I guess that's it, Jay.
Tell them about elevators.
SPEAKER_02 (53:45):
I would say that uh if you uh ever experience an
elevator that you don't trust,just take the stairs.
Take the stairs.
Take the stairs because you knowwhat?
You're way safer.
SPEAKER_03 (53:55):
Here at Top Shelf Stories, you'd like to teach you
a lesson.
Lessons.
SPEAKER_02 (53:58):
This lesson, take the stairs.
It's more exercise and makesyour heart safe and uh your body
safe.
So just do it.
Good night!
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_02 (00:21):
What's up?
What's up?
What's going on, guys?
What's up?
What's up?
Welcome to Top Shelf Stories.
Your favorite podcast to get thebest stories you've ever heard.
There you go.
You like that little voice idea?
I don't.
I didn't like it.
Anyway, I be well, I'm kind ofuh I'm disembogul bog me with
that word, Chris.
(00:42):
Discombobulated.
Is that is that how it goes?
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (00:44):
I have no idea what word you were doing.
SPEAKER_02 (00:46):
I am somewhat terrified because I have a huge
fear of something.
And I think a lot of people havethe same fear.
Is it tall man?
Spiders.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01):
Changing light bulbs.
A hard day's work?
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Why is that so funny, Tony?
SPEAKER_02 (01:08):
You know why?
Shut the fuck up.
I am more harder worker thanyou.
SPEAKER_01 (01:13):
Yeah, for sure.
You son of a bitch.
I just don't want theconfrontation right now, so I'm
just gonna fucking agree.
SPEAKER_03 (01:20):
Is it waking up before the sun?
SPEAKER_02 (01:22):
I would I you know what?
To be honest, that's like one ofmy favorite things to do, but I
just can never do it.
Um, I'm claustrophobic as fuck.
I'm terrified, terrified ofsmall spaces.
I've always thought to myself,if I ever okay, so you know when
you have real realistic dreamsand you're like, damn, like a
(01:42):
terrible nightmare.
Like you never want to haveagain.
Like, dude, I come over HeatherGraham.
SPEAKER_03 (01:51):
Terrible dream.
SPEAKER_02 (01:51):
Terrible dreams.
Okay, so I I'm always terrifiedto have a dream.
I'm stuck in a coffin or or oror underground or something like
that.
I never had that dream yet.
SPEAKER_03 (02:02):
Was it your claustrophobia that caused you
to come out of the closet?
SPEAKER_02 (02:06):
Trust me, if I was in that closet, I'd have been
gone before I even barely gotin.
SPEAKER_04 (02:11):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (02:12):
No, but I this is like the worst fucking
experience I've ever had, and Idon't wish to pond my worst
enemy.
I was wait, wait.
SPEAKER_03 (02:21):
Were you claustrophobic before this
experience?
No, yes, 100%.
SPEAKER_01 (02:25):
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (02:26):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (02:26):
My brother.
So how do you drive yourself towork then?
I know I can get out of your carin your little panel truck with
no windows.
SPEAKER_02 (02:34):
I know I can get out of the car when I please.
Like an airplane, a kind ofclaustrophobic.
Like I get a littleclaustrophobic because I know
for that first hour, well,entire flight, I can't get out
of the fucking airplane.
So that's kind ofclaustrophobic.
Or when I was younger, mybrother used to put a blanket
over the top of me and fuckingleg.
(02:58):
Yeah, that was one thing.
The other thing was he would notlet me out of the blanket.
And I would get I think that'swhat spiraled the well being
closed for.
Being trapped.
Being trapped.
So I got stuck.
I live in an apartment building.
I got stuck in our elevator.
SPEAKER_03 (03:18):
How many floors?
Three.
How many floors up was it?
Or I guess it doesn't reallymatter.
SPEAKER_02 (03:23):
Well, when you're stuck in an elevator, yeah, it
doesn't matter how many floorsyou're because my main fear of
being stuck in an elevator isthat it's gonna fall.
SPEAKER_03 (03:30):
Like if a door won't open, then how's the cable gonna
hold?
SPEAKER_02 (03:33):
So you're afraid that you're gonna fall and die?
SPEAKER_03 (03:34):
That's the only fear of death.
SPEAKER_02 (03:35):
What if you only go up one floor?
SPEAKER_03 (03:38):
Still like twelve feet.
Okay, so I was From or maybe noteight, nine, ten.
SPEAKER_02 (03:42):
I don't remember how high.
I don't I don't know how high Iwas up.
But I got in the elevator aftergetting the mail.
And all of a sudden I heardthis.
I'm like, oh fuck.
No, you were alive.
No way.
It's just you?
Just me.
No way this is happening.
No way this is not happening.
And all of a sudden the lightswent out and it's everything
(04:06):
completely stopped.
Like I didn't hear sounds.
I the lights on the numbers topush were gone, and I knew.
SPEAKER_01 (04:14):
And and your bougie building uh is one wall of the
elevator all glass where you cansee outside.
SPEAKER_02 (04:24):
No, everything's it's completely solid steel.
Even the ceiling is steel.
SPEAKER_01 (04:29):
Like a poor person elevator?
SPEAKER_02 (04:31):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (04:32):
It's crazy.
SPEAKER_02 (04:33):
It's actually it's it's not uh I can't think of
this given description.
SPEAKER_01 (04:39):
Is it an Otis?
Because I'm very brand loyalwhen it comes to elevators.
SPEAKER_02 (04:44):
So if there's an elevator Schneider's, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (04:47):
He walks in, it's a Schneider, and he's like, I'll
take the fucking stairs.
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (04:51):
48 floors.
SPEAKER_01 (04:52):
I'm like, until this building can afford Otis, I'm
out.
SPEAKER_02 (04:56):
There's no way Tony's taking stairs.
Look at him.
So I was stuck.
I knew I was stuck after hearingthe noise and knowing the lights
turned off.
So the only thing like, have youever been in this situation?
What do you do?
You know you've seen panicbuttons on the elevator things
before, and you're like, ha haha, I never pushed that shit.
Fire fire department button orcall button.
(05:18):
You ever push those?
No, you never.
SPEAKER_03 (05:22):
I've gotten on elevators, and then like the
door won't close again.
And I'm like, nope, I'm out.
Like I just nope, not working.
Nope.
I'm not gonna do it.
See you later.
See you.
And the door takes like an hourto open.
Like, no, just take the stairs.
SPEAKER_02 (05:42):
Not doing that again.
unknown (05:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (05:44):
So no, I was stuck.
I was fucking stuck.
I knew I was stuck.
Uh like I said, no more noiseswere happening.
So I was like, fuck, what am Igonna do?
I had my phone, thank God, so Icould give a call.
But first I gave a before I Icalled anyone, I remembered the
little buttons by the thenumbers.
(06:04):
Like a bell.
A bell or a fire departmentthing.
So I pushed all of them.
I pushed even all the fucking Ipushed everything I could think
of.
None of them worked.
None of them.
It was still dark.
So I'm like, shit, what thefuck?
SPEAKER_01 (06:17):
Like, um So so lights are out.
Lights are out.
Now you're using your phone.
No, I'm not using my well, I Ihave so basically I have my I
imagine.
I imagine if you'reclaustrophobic, you also have
somewhat, maybe not a cripplingfear, but a slight fear of the
(06:38):
dark.
SPEAKER_02 (06:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:39):
Yes, I do.
Yes.
I used to like would you walk inthe woods at night?
SPEAKER_02 (06:44):
Yeah.
Because it's you have a moon tolight the sky.
SPEAKER_01 (06:48):
Light in the No, I didn't say in an open field.
SPEAKER_02 (06:51):
I don't know.
I don't know of a woods beingthat dark where you can't see
anything.
I don't go to the fuckingwilderness.
That means it's no, he doesn't.
I live in the city.
I have s street uh lights onevery street.
Well, they don't run them in theforest.
That's what I'm saying.
I I've never been into a forestwhere it's pitch black.
I've had separation of the treeswhere I could see the moon or
(07:14):
the stars where it's been lightenough where I knew what the
fuck was going on.
You've been somewhere where youcouldn't see anything because
the stars are.
Get the fuck out of here.
SPEAKER_03 (07:27):
Turn on my flashlight and look for my flag.
SPEAKER_02 (07:30):
You gotta hold you gotta hold the microphone, not
the wire.
There you go.
SPEAKER_03 (07:34):
I'm trying, dude.
SPEAKER_02 (07:35):
There you go.
You're holding the wire.
Now you're not.
SPEAKER_01 (07:36):
Okay, good.
So so I I like to think that I'mnot afraid of the dark at all.
But there have been times whereI went out hunting and I
actually woke up on time to goout into the woods.
And and when you wake up late,you get out, and there's just
(07:57):
like the crack of light whereyou can where you can see and
stuff.
But I've been in the woods whereit's so dark you can't see your
hand in front of you.
It's wild, dude.
Like it is wild.
SPEAKER_03 (08:09):
I've never been in there the most amount of dark
you can possibly you start in acrew of like three going out,
and then like someone just kindof like clicks their flashlight
and you look over at them, andthey're like, I'm going this
way.
SPEAKER_02 (08:23):
This is my spot over here.
SPEAKER_03 (08:24):
So you lose one and then you go a little bit
further, and the other guy'slike, This is my stop here.
You're gonna be good.
Yeah, you're good.
unknown (08:30):
I'm good.
SPEAKER_03 (08:31):
And then you start walking yourself and you walk
like 20 steps and you're byyourself, and you're you look
back and you can't see.
Can't see.
There's nothing anywhere.
And you start to hear you stop,and you hear like or whatever.
What is that?
You don't know what it is.
That's when it gets scary, andyou're like, all right, headlamp
(08:52):
on, I'm gonna turn my headlampon.
That'll help.
It's a fucking bear orsomething.
You don't know.
The dark.
I don't like it.
SPEAKER_02 (08:58):
It's the dark.
I wouldn't then to answer yourquestion, Tony.
No, I would not do that.
SPEAKER_01 (09:03):
Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02 (09:04):
Until a sun can't be.
SPEAKER_01 (09:06):
Especially when you get out like you got a shotgun
over your fucking head.
If you're lucky enough, likelet's just say you get up on
time and you get to a tree standlike an hour and a half before
it gets light.
SPEAKER_03 (09:19):
And you're in the air.
SPEAKER_01 (09:20):
And it is you you make it up the tree, you you
flashlight all the way to yourtree, you climb the ladder, you
fucking hook your shit up to theto the line, and you pull all
your stuff up, you get allsituated, that light goes off.
Why can't you just and you justsit there for a fucking hour,
like an hour and ten minutes inthe pitch dark, in the pitch
(09:41):
black, and all you can do ishear things around you moving
because all the animals arefucking nocturnal.
They they just walk.
SPEAKER_02 (09:52):
Alright, I got a question.
Okay, you're deer hunting.
I gotta go again.
What the fuck is the reason adeer hunt in the pitch black?
SPEAKER_03 (09:57):
Because you gotta get up to the spot before the
deer wakes up, and then the deerwake up and you get to shoot at
SSL.
Why don't you just fall back andyou're drinking beer by noon and
it's the best weekend ever?
That's why.
SPEAKER_01 (10:06):
So here's the thing.
Deer are are technically on anopposite schedule of people.
Their eyes work better in thedark than it does in the dark.
Every animal does.
Not every animal.
Animals' eyes don't work betterin the dark.
Squirrels, all them kind ofanimals, they don't fucking
really go out.
SPEAKER_02 (10:26):
I didn't know you're a fucking animal protection.
SPEAKER_01 (10:28):
Turkeys on dark night eyeballs.
Uh but some animals areextremely nocturnal.
And uh so they spend all nightfeeding.
They eat breakfast, lunch, anddinner from dark till dark.
SPEAKER_02 (10:43):
So is this the time where they're not uh vulnerable
to attack by somethingpredatorial?
Well or predators?
They are.
Then why do they do that atnight?
They're they're prone to attack.
So predators can't see better,predators can't see better at
night.
SPEAKER_01 (11:01):
I mean, most most of their predators are from the dog
family, and dogs can go eitherway.
Like you?
Yeah, like me on a Saturday.
Um so your goal in getting outto the woods early is catching
them from where they're eatingtheir dinner to where they're
(11:25):
going to sleep for the day.
So you're hoping you're in theright spot.
I get it.
That you catch them in thatwhatever half mile or whatever
that they travel to get fromwhere they finish eating to
where they go to bed.
Okay, I get it.
SPEAKER_02 (11:42):
I get it.
SPEAKER_01 (11:43):
So you want to be there and invisible by the time
it's light enough to shoot atthem.
You know what it reminds me?
SPEAKER_02 (11:50):
You remind me of my dad.
Like I told you I got it, like16 times.
Yeah, but I could tell by thelook on your dad.
SPEAKER_01 (11:58):
Maybe your dad can notice this look on your face
also.
SPEAKER_00 (12:03):
Yeah, I don't know.
Of complete confusion.
SPEAKER_01 (12:07):
Of complete confusion, and you just going,
uh I got it.
Let me get back to my I don'tthink you got it.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
Let me get back to my elevator.
SPEAKER_01 (12:16):
Let me start over.
God damn it.
So here's the thing.
Animals.
All right, so you're you're in apitch black elevator.
Pitch black elevator, but thegood set the scene.
What are you wearing?
Please say nothing.
SPEAKER_02 (12:29):
The good thing is uh the the the pitch blackness does
not last long.
The lights turn back on.
So thank God for that.
So you're like, okay, I'm in theclear.
It's somewhat, yeah.
Like it's turning back on.
I feel like the power just madeit.
Yeah, rebooted the system.
Exactly.
Like someone knocked a fuse orsomething.
Yeah.
(12:49):
Fucked with the elevator shaft.
And I'm ready to go back to mymy room.
So then I start hearing uh theset.
unknown (13:00):
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
SPEAKER_01 (13:02):
Tick tick tick.
I'm like, it sounds like strandsof an airline cable.
Yeah, that's bad.
SPEAKER_02 (13:07):
Popping one at a time.
Okay, so that sound was not notgood.
It was like someone from otherfloors were pushing the buttons
for the elevator to try to callit, call it to their call it,
and they're swearing out loud.
SPEAKER_01 (13:23):
Because they're in the third floor by the elevator
door, listening to a very echoedversion of a grown man crying
with his clogged tear docks.
No tears, just all the sounds.
Thank you.
No tears.
SPEAKER_03 (13:38):
He sounds like he's crying, but he looks fine.
I don't know if he's faking itor not.
SPEAKER_02 (13:44):
Nothing's come out of my eyes, just fucking weird
sounds.
Yes, I I I just hear peopleclicking the elevators, and I'm
like, Jesus Christ, how longhave I been in this fucking
elevator?
SPEAKER_01 (13:56):
Yelling through the crack of the door, Jeremiah! Is
that you?
SPEAKER_02 (14:01):
Jack, John?
Yeah, they Jonathan.
Uh the so the the running jokeis no one knows my name at the
apartment building.
Yes, they don't.
They call me Jack, they call meJay, everything with this J.
Maybe white any white guy namethat starts with the J.
But J.
But just fucking saying J.
So I'm stuck in this elevatorfor probably about like five
(14:24):
minutes, and I'm freaking out.
I push all the buttons, and thenI get uh a hold of uh the
emergency, whatever it was, andthey're like, Okay, where are
you?
So this is actually like adirect link to the fire
department or I something alongthe lines, and they're like,
Where are you?
(14:44):
address this and that.
I gave them all the information,and they're like, Okay, we'll
send over a crew, blah, blah,blah.
Thank you.
Okay, so I'm like, Thank God,I'm in the clear.
I mean, this is New Berlin.
SPEAKER_01 (14:57):
We're at a like a two-minute window of you know,
yeah, they're like, We'resending the crew up from
Chicago, they'll be thereshortly.
SPEAKER_02 (15:05):
Yeah, and New Berlin, they they respond within
a minute, you know.
So after like five minutes, I'mstarting to freak out even more.
I'm claustrophobic, so it'sfreaking me out.
So then I call my wife.
I was like, hey, I'm stuck inthe elevator at her place, and I
it's not working.
And you know where I'm at withmy insanity and claustrophobia.
SPEAKER_01 (15:30):
So do something about it.
Yeah, she's she's just like shebrings the pry bar and just gets
the door open a little bit andjust like fucking blobs you a
Xanax.
It's to be okay.
It's raining pills.
I'm just open my mouth.
Tracy's like, you got threehours and 40 minutes to get them
(15:52):
out before the Zanny wears off.
SPEAKER_02 (15:56):
So she calls up the uh the uh managers of the
apartments and is like, gay, yougotta my my husband's stuck in
an elevator and he'sclaustrophobic.
He needs help now.
And she's she's like demandingit, and she's really stern with
what she does because she and weever have a problem, she's the
(16:18):
one that that that calls.
SPEAKER_03 (16:19):
She's the one who gets all cairned out and starts
hollering.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (16:23):
So uh the after another half hour goes on, no
one shows up, nothing's stillhappening.
I'm on my phone, still freakingout, trying to take my mind off
of it.
So I'm on my phone playing videogames, watching reels, doing
everything I can to take my mindoff, being stuck in this tiny
little fucking elevator.
SPEAKER_03 (16:43):
Staring at the battery that's at 63, 64, 61,
28, getting down there.
SPEAKER_02 (16:50):
And all I can hear is uh my wife pounding on every
floor trying to find you.
I can just imagine Jason runningaround.
Jason or Jay, are you there?
SPEAKER_00 (17:02):
Jason, he's like, Can you hear my voice?
Can you hear it better now?
Can you hear it better now?
Like, no, you're getting furtheraway.
What floor are you on?
SPEAKER_02 (17:12):
So she's I don't know what floor she's I don't
know where the fuck I am.
I started the first floor, Idon't even know if it went up or
down.
And she's uh so we have okay, soyou have the basement, first,
second, and third floor.
So there's four options.
So I don't know where shestarted, but she started at the
wrong fucking spot, so I yelledat her to get closer, but she
got further away.
(17:34):
And then uh the management cameand I could hear them trying to
find out where I was too.
SPEAKER_01 (17:40):
I'm like, is there and there's nobody more suitable
to deal with an emergency thanan apartment building manager.
And you know what?
SPEAKER_03 (17:49):
The best thing about Jay giving instructions of where
he is.
SPEAKER_02 (17:54):
Like, what do you like?
Do you need to send do you needme to send my Apple the
location?
SPEAKER_03 (17:59):
You know that floor that's got that thing in the
corner that holds that thing init that's green.
Green?
That that that that thing that'sgreen that's I can't think I
can't.
It's not working.
You got you got uh so I thinkyou need a new mic.
SPEAKER_02 (18:18):
Uh so they they kind of finally found where it was.
And the reason why it was hardto find is because I was in
between the first and secondfloor.
And um in that situation you gotyou got a little bit of a
problem because you can't whereare you gonna get me?
Third floor, second floor.
SPEAKER_01 (18:38):
And the thing is, is if if somebody is trying to
rescue you and uh they theyenter the shaft of the elevator,
and then that elevator turns on,you got a real Liam Neeson type
situation.
You're riding on the top of anelevator.
Yeah, well, it's skyrocketing tothe top.
SPEAKER_03 (19:00):
Because if it's not working, you can't expect it to
work when you try to stop iteither.
SPEAKER_01 (19:04):
And you know, you know, I think I don't know this
for sure.
I think this might only be truewith Otis technology.
But if the cable if the cablesnaps in an elevator, it goes
up, not down.
What?
Yeah.
How's that?
It doesn't plummet down.
SPEAKER_02 (19:22):
I think it's if all the straps snap something with
the counterweight.
SPEAKER_01 (19:26):
I think that would be impossible.
SPEAKER_02 (19:28):
But you need a counterweight strap, like a cord
or something to counterweightit.
Yeah, I think what if all theweights, what if all the fucking
things strings snap?
SPEAKER_03 (19:37):
Never in my life have I ever heard in a scene in
a movie or heard any storiesabout someone being afraid or
elevators going to fly to thetop floor.
SPEAKER_01 (19:46):
It's like that's the thing.
SPEAKER_03 (19:49):
I think that's- I do think that there probably there
probably is some type ofsecurity feature in an elevator
that has counterweighting, but Ithink the part that breaks that
you're afraid is gonna fall isthat part.
I don't think so.
Because I think that partbreaks.
SPEAKER_01 (20:02):
That part that part breaks, and that's riveting.
Everybody at home is trying tofigure out what Chris is trying
to say.
SPEAKER_03 (20:18):
Anyway, I was looking for a mic.
That part breaks, and thenthat's what causes the elevator
to break because it doesn't haveits counter weighting anymore,
and then it falls to your death.
I don't know.
That's how they break.
That part breaks.
SPEAKER_01 (20:34):
Either way, top or bottom.
I'm not trying to be in anelevator shaft with a sketchy
elevator.
No, no, no.
I swear to god, man, them oldestguys risk their lives every day.
SPEAKER_02 (20:44):
Well, I'm getting I'm getting to the point, like,
I'm still stuck in thiselevator.
How do I get out?
I'm stuck between two fuckingfloors.
Okay, so I can't get out fromthe the floor I'm on or the
floor above.
There's only one way to get out,man.
A plasma cutter.
No, there's only way to there'sonly one way to get out.
It's the it's the little hole inthe top, isn't it?
(21:07):
What there was to me when Ilooked at it, there wasn't a
hole.
This whole fucking ceiling ismetal.
Like, I don't know how I'mgetting out of this.
It felt like I was in a giantcylinder of death.
SPEAKER_01 (21:22):
And uh I guess there's that's exactly what you
were in.
SPEAKER_02 (21:26):
I know, but I guess there was uh an area above that
I could get.
SPEAKER_03 (21:29):
So the top wasn't just a bunch of lights and like
paneling like in an officebuilding.
You think it was solid?
It is solid, it was solid.
SPEAKER_02 (21:36):
It is solid.
SPEAKER_03 (21:36):
There are like what about the commercial of a
specially designed tool to openthe top?
SPEAKER_01 (21:45):
No, it did the top.
They don't want the Schneiderguys riding in their elevators
sneaking in and checking outtheir technology.
So was it the cord?
Their counter counterweightedtechnology.
SPEAKER_03 (21:56):
I've replaced the cord, and now I sound probably
much better for everyone athome.
SPEAKER_01 (21:59):
Okay, I guess it was the cord.
All right, so I'm stuck there.
Do me a favor, take that cordbefore we forget, wind it up,
throw it in the trash.
SPEAKER_02 (22:09):
No, that's a long cord, and I think there's
nothing wrong with it.
It's fucking broken.
Okay, anyway.
Next.
Uh so I'm stuck here.
Uh it's it's been a half hour.
SPEAKER_03 (22:19):
Which probably felt like a day.
SPEAKER_02 (22:20):
Oh, yeah.
It's just like it's like Tonysays, it's your body.
SPEAKER_03 (22:24):
You got up at the crack at 10:30, went and got
your mail, and now half theday's gone.
SPEAKER_02 (22:29):
Like your your body is leaving your body.
Your spirit is leaving yourbody, and you're just everyone.
SPEAKER_03 (22:35):
Like go up there and tell everyone where I'm at,
dude.
SPEAKER_01 (22:38):
So and you're in your spirit body when you have
an out-of-body body experience.
Are you taller?
Every time it happens to me, Ilook like a you're 6'1 and
you're out-of-body experience.
Well, motherfucker, if I'mfloating, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (22:55):
Every time I'm out of body does, and I look at
myself, I look like a 19 late90s Brad Pitt.
It's pretty cool, dude.
I'm like, hey, what's up, dude?
You look pretty good, man.
SPEAKER_01 (23:05):
Like Angelina Jolie ready, huh?
Yeah, dude, I'm like a plus sizeLeonardo DiCaprio.
He actually kind of is plus sizeright now.
He doesn't look too fit.
I don't know.
I haven't seen him.
Leonardo DiCaprio, that's thecraziest thing about that dude.
SPEAKER_03 (23:21):
He's been we did a whole segment on him.
SPEAKER_01 (23:26):
He's literally been a sex symbol in Hollywood for 20
fucking years.
Oh, no.
Way more than 20 years.
SPEAKER_02 (23:35):
Guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (23:37):
He's never been fit.
SPEAKER_03 (23:39):
I'll guarantee if you told Tracy that you got this
call from your friend who's inHollywood, who's who knows Leo
DiCaprio, who asked you to askyour wife if she could have a
hall pass for him, she'd belike, okay, I'll do that.
SPEAKER_02 (23:55):
All right, well if it's for you, Jay, I'll do it.
I actually, okay, so when I wasabout 16 or 17, I had I grew up.
You fucked Leo.
I had longer hair, and girlsused to actually say I look like
little.
I don't know.
I didn't believe this at all.
My nose is fucking huge comparedto his.
I don't look anything like him,but people used to say I look
(24:16):
like him.
And I that then I asked Tracyfrom what's hitting Gilbert
Gray.
SPEAKER_03 (24:29):
Pretty good.
Motherfucker.
Got him good, man.
Got him good.
SPEAKER_00 (24:37):
Stay thank you, Gilbert! Stay thank you.
You fucking dickhead.
You stop laughing now.
SPEAKER_02 (24:49):
Stop laughing now.
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
Stop it.
Cut my wife.
SPEAKER_02 (24:55):
What I want what I was gonna finish saying is for
some reason people I fogged mysafety grass.
His safety grass was just gone.
People should think I look likehim.
I don't know why.
So I I recently asked Tracy.
I'm like, Tracy, did you everthink Leonardo DiCaprio was hot?
Never once.
(25:15):
Or she said, never once did Ithink he was hot.
SPEAKER_03 (25:17):
She show him a picture of him now.
He's terrible looking.
That she's probably into itthough.
SPEAKER_02 (25:22):
Okay, anyway.
Okay, so I'm stuck in thiselevator for a half hour, 45
minutes, an hour, an hour and ahalf.
Now I'm at like I'm coming ontwo fucking hours.
Oh man.
I'm coming on two hours.
I'm still waiting for anyone toget there.
SPEAKER_03 (25:39):
I'm gonna run out of air in here.
SPEAKER_02 (25:41):
Every single thing you can think about, yes, it
happened.
I felt like there were spiderscrawling on me.
I feel like, yeah, I couldn'tbreathe.
I feel like the the walls wereclosing in.
I feel like I was in the fuckingthing that stars happen with
their fucking trash compact orcrawl.
SPEAKER_03 (25:57):
We're just gonna go out to lunch.
We'll be right back.
The guy's coming with the thing.
I feel like no one cared aboutme.
SPEAKER_02 (26:02):
I feel like they know it's like this what?
Who cares about this guy in theBerlin stalking the elevator?
Who cares?
SPEAKER_03 (26:08):
They're all in the office printing off signs like
elevator out of order so that noone else tries to use it and
gets mad.
SPEAKER_02 (26:15):
I feel like every sign on every level was marked
off before I was saved.
Yes, Chris.
SPEAKER_01 (26:22):
I think that happened.
The fire department's like, ohshit, that's probably the good
quick trip.
SPEAKER_03 (26:26):
They're like, no, Sydney.
SPEAKER_01 (26:27):
You're over in a parking lot at their little
solitary bistro table, all eaton Sydney.
SPEAKER_03 (26:33):
I need you to go back to the office and reprint
these centers text.
We can't have it read left.
It's gotta be centerset text.
Go put the new signs up and thenwe'll start trying to get Jay
out of here.
SPEAKER_02 (26:44):
So it was probably about an hour and 45 minutes
before I finally found outsomething might happen.
Because the maintenance guy fromthe I don't know if they call it
a different apartment or if itwas the old folks' home that's
close to ours.
Someone came from somewhere elsewith something that could
(27:04):
actually try to open thesedoors.
SPEAKER_01 (27:06):
He he actually was watching you on the camera in
the elevator on his phone andshut the elevator down so he
could have time to get out ofyour apartment.
Yeah, whatever.
Before he got up there.
SPEAKER_02 (27:19):
So I heard someone fucking with the doors and
trying to get it open.
So I was like, finally, oh mygod, you don't understand what
an hour and 45 minutes can do toyour life, your body, your
mentality, or your sanity.
SPEAKER_03 (27:36):
Being stuck is tough.
SPEAKER_02 (27:37):
It's like okay, first off, you're
claustrophobic.
Second off, you can't goanywhere.
SPEAKER_01 (27:43):
You're done, you're stuck.
Dude, when I was a kid, Ithought that was gonna be the
theme of my entire life.
I thought you're gonna go toprison, be stuck in his salad.
No, I I thought when I was a kidthat there was not gonna be an
instance where I was anywhereand I wasn't getting slightly
stuck in quicksand.
Oh, that was yeah.
(28:04):
I still I I had a fear aboutthat as well.
Like I hate I'm not sure whatfor years.
It was on every fucking TV show.
Indiana Jones?
Quicksand was like the mostcommon uh thing that somebody
got stuck in the world.
SPEAKER_02 (28:21):
It would look like real a real floor until you
walked in it.
Bro, I didn't know what's wrongwith you guys.
SPEAKER_01 (28:28):
I didn't know that our world was actually so void
of quicksand.
There isn't any anywhere.
SPEAKER_03 (28:34):
Oh, there's a lot of it.
There's never quicksand.
SPEAKER_02 (28:37):
A lot of it.
SPEAKER_03 (28:38):
Dude, I've been in so many different types of sand,
and none of them have been verynone of them have been quick.
SPEAKER_02 (28:43):
None of them.
None of them have been quick.
I watched a story of someone inFlorida digging a hole, and
there's a lot of uh what didthey call these that sink into
the ground?
Sinkholes, sinkholes.
I answered my own question.
Fuck.
Okay, so they dug a big hole,and these fucking kids were
standing in this hole, and allof a sudden, you know, the water
(29:05):
from the waves came in, and thesand started collapsing on them,
and they got stuck.
And literally, there was that'snot quicksand though.
Yeah, true, but it was stillsand in a room.
And no one could get them out.
It was scary.
I was scared watching it.
SPEAKER_01 (29:26):
Okay.
No one can get them out.
They literally created their ownquicksand pit.
Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_03 (29:33):
So it's been an hour and forty-five minutes.
The lights are on, people arepounding on doors.
Jay's phone's about to die.
SPEAKER_01 (29:40):
Well, let's make it work.
Let's say we yeah, I wouldn't.
I need a bell, plug it in.
SPEAKER_03 (29:50):
I had one of those muffins that makes me need to
poop.
SPEAKER_02 (29:53):
I gotta go.
Oh, imagine if I had a shit too,really bad.
Well, two hours is a good.
SPEAKER_03 (30:00):
No, range of having to pee again.
SPEAKER_02 (30:02):
I think if I had to shit, I think I would have just
shit.
SPEAKER_03 (30:05):
In an elevator, you have that call though, like,
wait, I'm the only one.
SPEAKER_02 (30:08):
I would have done what Tony did in his his school
class.
I would have shit.
SPEAKER_03 (30:12):
Where are you gonna put the shit, bro?
SPEAKER_01 (30:14):
Firefighters open.
SPEAKER_02 (30:15):
Where are you gonna put it?
One corner.
One corner.
SPEAKER_03 (30:18):
Four corners.
It's four by four.
Four by four, dude.
It's gonna stink.
SPEAKER_02 (30:22):
Oh, I can handle my own shit smell.
SPEAKER_01 (30:25):
Oh no.
Dude, could you just imagine?
You know, 40 minutes into it,they get it open.
You're standing in your ownpiss.
SPEAKER_03 (30:34):
Gone completely feral.
He's dancing around, rippedshirts, they're wrapped around
his head with headbands, armswith armbands.
SPEAKER_01 (30:42):
Squatting against the wall.
SPEAKER_03 (30:44):
He's got a small fire going.
SPEAKER_01 (30:46):
Using the wall to keep you up, just shitting out,
forming a triangled corner ofthis elevator, two fresh Puma
socks.
I don't have that wiping yourass.
SPEAKER_02 (30:58):
So I'm I'm um letting known that I can't get
out the doors.
There's no possible way ofopening them.
There's no power to it.
The elevator, the elevator iscompletely dysfunctional.
SPEAKER_03 (31:11):
You're like, you're just gonna leave it here
forever?
SPEAKER_02 (31:13):
What do you mean it doesn't work?
So, yes, I'm kind of crying,asking that question, Chris.
SPEAKER_01 (31:19):
What onus is already there putting a new elevator
next to the broken one?
SPEAKER_03 (31:25):
Don't worry about that noise.
It's the new shaft we'redrilling for the new elevator
through the floors.
SPEAKER_01 (31:32):
Really came through for the building.
SPEAKER_02 (31:33):
I'm thinking to myself, how then am I getting
out of here?
How?
And they said, one of the guys,the maintenance guys, is like, I
know there is a compartmentabove the elevator shaft.
And I was like, wait, do youknow?
Or is there one?
He's like, I think there's one.
(31:54):
I'm like, that doesn't help,man.
That doesn't help.
And I called him a name.
I didn't I didn't even know hisname.
I said, Rich! Jeffrey! I justsaid a name.
I just yelled out a name.
And uh he's like, okay, then Iknew he had like a plan.
He had a plan of getting me out.
(32:16):
A couple minutes went by.
He got the door from I think atwo, like the third story, the
the third story up.
So like he got one of the doorsup, open, and he climbed down to
the elevator.
I heard someone above me.
I was like a little relievedbecause now finally, you know,
there's something happeningwhere uh I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (32:38):
Someone else is kind of stuck too now.
You're not stuck alone.
This other guy's kind of stuckin here too.
SPEAKER_02 (32:44):
I didn't think about that, Chris, but yes, that could
have been a situation.
He's stuck too.
He's down here now, too.
But no, he knocked in theceiling.
He's like, there's a way out.
And I got excited more than everyou think.
He's like, it's through JesusChrist, our Lord Savior.
He's like, there's there's a wayout.
(33:06):
But I was like, there's aproblem.
And he's like, what's that?
And it's like the ceiling islike eight feet high.
How am I gonna get out of aceiling that high?
Parkour! So there there arethere are handle uh giant
handles on each side of theelevator on a parkour, you trade
(33:29):
like Tony just said, maybe I canget out that way.
But the way the ceiling was likeconstructed, it was like right
in the middle of the elevatorwhere you couldn't just like you
had to like propel yourself offthe wall and up.
Like you can't just go up.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, I see, I see whatyou're saying.
(33:50):
Like you know, it's the crazycompletely middle of the fucking
elevator.
SPEAKER_01 (33:53):
You're like, it's an eight-foot ceiling, you know.
I could without going on mytippy toes, I can touch an eight
foot.
SPEAKER_02 (34:00):
You can't touch how tall is this ceiling here?
SPEAKER_01 (34:03):
Nine.
No, this is this is eight.
SPEAKER_02 (34:07):
Oh stand up and touch it.
You've only got to see pushed onthe lights.
Okay.
Yeah, but guess what?
You're barely touching theceiling.
I'm not even on my tipping tall.
I know, but your tips of yourfingers are touching.
Okay?
Yes.
I'm not even fully extended.
(34:28):
Okay.
Place palm in the ceiling.
You want me to fucking do it andsee how far it takes me to get
up there?
SPEAKER_03 (34:32):
And you not only have to remember, Tony can't
tell how tall people are, man.
SPEAKER_02 (34:41):
Now remember that's not only 100%.
It's not only touching theceiling, Tony.
It's fucking grabbing andgetting out of it.
That's another thing.
Yeah, you gotta jump.
So, how do I do that withouthaving to be being able to even
touch the ceiling?
So there's no way I'm pulling mybody weight out of it.
(35:06):
Throw me a rope.
Give me a ladder.
SPEAKER_01 (35:09):
Do something that can help me get up higher.
He fuck he fucking trickles downa piece of dental floss.
He's like, Remember the ropesclass in gym.
SPEAKER_02 (35:21):
So he uh eventually, after like probably another 20
minutes, gets the shaft, theceiling open.
And uh again, I'm seeing it.
SPEAKER_03 (35:31):
So it opened from above as well.
SPEAKER_02 (35:33):
From above, yeah, from above, and he slipped the
thing to the side.
And this shaft is like if youwere fat, like Tony, um I'm
sorry, not Tony.
If you were overwhelmed, I don'tknow.
SPEAKER_01 (35:44):
I see I can't get through.
I've seen these manholes, dude.
I'd be rubbing titty againstthem for sure.
Your tits, your nipples would beremoved from being pulled out of
them.
Yeah, they're there foremergencies and for getting
carpet up to the floors.
SPEAKER_02 (35:57):
Yes, you can't it it didn't make sense to me.
And uh he all I hear all here isI got the thing open.
I saw it, and all of a sudden Isee a fucking arm go down.
Take my arm! I'm like, what?
Grab my good hand.
That's what I and all you Ithink about that now.
I didn't think about it thenbecause I was terrified.
(36:18):
But I think what's in likeputting it.
Give me your good hand.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinkingabout.
That fucking uh scary movie,fucking the best fucking Chris
Elliott.
Yeah, give me your strong hands.
SPEAKER_03 (36:28):
Take my strong hands is like his only I didn't even
say it right, and you guys knewwhat it was.
Yes, it's his most famous line.
SPEAKER_02 (36:35):
Oh, it's the best fucking funniest thing ever.
SPEAKER_03 (36:36):
There's so many different movies.
SPEAKER_01 (36:38):
Cameoed in him, been it's crazy that he's one of the
least attractive people I'veever seen in my life.
He really is, but he's so goodat that.
SPEAKER_03 (36:48):
Yeah, he's so good.
SPEAKER_02 (36:49):
Uh every comedian is not attractive except for you
know the very peculiar ones.
Because, you know, you gotta belike not good looking to be
funny, right?
Yeah.
Or short, like Kevin Hart.
Yeah.
So he like I said, reaches hishand down.
He's like, take my hand.
I'm like, what?
What how?
(37:09):
I can't even know.
Like, how you gonna lift me upin the air through this fucking
tiny hole?
SPEAKER_03 (37:17):
He probably thought you were a child down there.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (37:21):
Until he's so from above?
SPEAKER_03 (37:22):
Until he's so late down there.
SPEAKER_01 (37:24):
He's yelling down the shaft.
You're not gonna be late forschool tomorrow, Jason.
I guarantee it.
Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_03 (37:31):
So what did he throw down like a bunch of couch
cushions for you to stand on orsomething?
SPEAKER_01 (37:35):
I had to He's dropping phone books one by one.
SPEAKER_00 (37:39):
Build a staircase.
Have you learned how to stackyou?
SPEAKER_02 (37:44):
I just laughed so hard I farted.
That hurt too, kind of.
Who has phone books, Tony?
What the fuck is this?
This ain't 90s.
Get the fuck out of here.
No, I had to, yeah, like Tonysaid, parkour.
I had to put my legs on thesides where they had the
handrails and kind of like Didyou leave the mail inside of the
(38:07):
or did you bring the mail?
SPEAKER_03 (38:08):
Like, I'm still gonna bring the mail.
You shove it into your fuckingbelt.
SPEAKER_02 (38:13):
You gotta deliver the mail.
I had you know what I went downthere to do something.
I'm not gonna not do it.
And that's why your whole familycalls you Kyram alone now.
I put that shit in my in my inmy pants and I bring it up
there.
Yes, I did, Chris.
I did not leave it there becauseI didn't know how long this
elevator would be fuckingcommission.
(38:34):
I don't want anybody stealing mymail.
SPEAKER_01 (38:37):
So he You're like, I think I actually won publisher's
clearinghouse.
SPEAKER_02 (38:42):
So I double fisted his hands with both mine and
just held on tight.
He started to lift me up, I fellto the ground.
And I was like, dude, this isnot gonna work.
It's not gonna work.
He's like, Don't worry, man,it'll work.
Give me your hand.
Says the same exact thing, samesound, same everything.
Like, Jesus Christ, what areyou?
(39:04):
This isn't gonna work.
It's like I've seen it inmovies, man.
Give me your hand.
He didn't have anything to sayto me other than give me your
hand.
So I did it again.
And finally, like out ofnowhere, this fucking guy turned
into fucking Hercules and pulledmy ass up.
I got in that's hard.
That's like a 60-pound deadlift,dude.
(39:27):
I got halfway up that thing.
It's like three sacks of taters.
All he had to do was like leanover to the side, and I was
above the elevator.
SPEAKER_03 (39:36):
Grab my arm.
I've been taking one trips fromthe car to the house for years.
SPEAKER_02 (39:42):
Like he did, his one arm was big.
It was it was big.
But you know what?
He didn't get me in the firsttry.
So I disagree with what he hadgripped.
His psychology was thick.
SPEAKER_01 (39:52):
He probably thought you let go.
SPEAKER_03 (39:53):
He's like, give me your fucking hand again.
SPEAKER_01 (39:55):
He's like, Don't worry, this arm's strong enough.
This is the arm I jerk off with.
SPEAKER_02 (40:00):
And all I could see after I got out of the darkness
of the cave of the fuckingelevator was my family looking
at like, I just five double.
How far up was the?
SPEAKER_00 (40:12):
How far you get out of the shaft and Tracy is like I
want a divorce.
So how far up was the actualexit?
SPEAKER_01 (40:28):
I could just see all fucking four of them standing up
there, arms crossed.
SPEAKER_03 (40:36):
Got a paper and a pen.
Sign this divorce.
SPEAKER_01 (40:41):
The youngest kid looks at the middle, kid.
Can you believe thismotherfucker?
No.
It's not my dad.
When I fucking mission itpossible, I could do it myself.
No, it's like the first timeRicky Bobby lost a race.
(41:03):
And his wife's immediately getmarried to Cal.
Sorry.
Only day winners.
Only day winners.
SPEAKER_02 (41:16):
So when I when I got when I got on top of the
elevator, there was another fourfeet before I get to the next
level.
So I'm not, I don't see anyoneuntil I get on my knees getting
out of the elevator.
And then, like I said, I lookedup.
And then my all my kids arelooking at me.
SPEAKER_01 (41:36):
This is a time where the where the elevator flips
back on and you majesticallyrise up.
They just see your head comingup from the open door.
SPEAKER_02 (41:46):
I've seen so many movies where someone is half out
of the elevator and they getjust ripped in half.
And all that's that's like thenext thing I'll I'll the only
thing I thought about was how amI getting out of this elevator?
It should have stayed in the boxwithout getting ripped in half.
Because I had to climb up four,like I had to four feet is kind
(42:07):
of high, okay?
I had to help my.
SPEAKER_01 (42:38):
Did anybody start a slow clap?
Or no, yeah, they did.
SPEAKER_03 (42:42):
Yeah, the residence.
SPEAKER_02 (42:43):
Dude, I had I had like 15 people down the hallway.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (42:49):
Everyone was clap doors.
They're like, you hear aboutthat guy John?
SPEAKER_01 (42:53):
They're like, Jonathan made it out of the
elevator.
Did you hear what happened?
SPEAKER_03 (42:57):
John, I thought it was Jerry.
No, it's Johnny.
It's not Johnny, that's Johnny.
SPEAKER_02 (43:03):
Everyone does know my name.
Jeremiah.
Yeah, there was there was asilent one.
But it was a really peculiarclap.
Like, should we really clap?
I mean, what really happened?
What did he do?
Yeah, like what really?
But it was a clap.
SPEAKER_01 (43:18):
A sweaty mess of anxiety rolling out of the open
door.
SPEAKER_02 (43:22):
When I came out, I felt like crying his flip-flops,
his wife's fucking pants.
When I came out of the elevator,I felt like I just survived
9-11.
Yeah.
And I was not dirty, though.
Crazy, dude.
Full of smoke.
SPEAKER_03 (43:37):
I've never been stuck in an elevator.
SPEAKER_02 (43:40):
But that was the worst uh experience of my life.
And I can imagine that if thiswas something where like it was
like a skyscraper or somethingreally tall where like literally
someone had to propel themselvesdown, yeah, I would be apt.
SPEAKER_03 (43:57):
So how long after that did you get on an elevator
again?
SPEAKER_02 (44:00):
Oh, I haven't I've gone up the stairs since.
SPEAKER_03 (44:02):
No way.
SPEAKER_02 (44:03):
Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (44:04):
My brother got stuck in an elevator, or maybe his
friend was the one who gotstuck, but his friend was in
there as well with him, or mybrother knows of the story.
Or he was waiting maybe for hiselevator to come down.
So it was after a concert at theMGM Grand, and all of the kids,
all the guys in the concert werein the elevator and they were
all jumping and all this shit,and they like busted it stopped.
(44:27):
And then like the security cameand they're like, Oh, it's the
fucking override.
Stop jumping in the elevator.
They pushed the button and lethim down.
So it wasn't that dramatic.
It didn't last that long.
But they were crammed in theirlike sardines, like arm-to-arm.
Jumping up and down.
They were trying, they werefucking raucous, raucous, right?
So finally he comes off theelevator.
I think that's what my brotherwas waiting for him.
(44:48):
Finally comes off the elevatorand immediately gets right on an
elevator and takes it up to hisroom.
You didn't even care.
He was on an elevator, he wasstalked, nearly died, all these
people, the whole thing.
But it wasn't that long of anevent that he was stuck, so he
just got right back on it.
SPEAKER_02 (45:05):
Well, think about this though, Chris.
He knew the reason of the defecton the elevator.
I don't know what the fuckhappened.
SPEAKER_03 (45:11):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (45:11):
He knew that these motherfuckers were in the middle
of the day.
SPEAKER_03 (45:13):
No way I would get right back on the same elevator
in the same, like next to theelevator.
No, you're right.
SPEAKER_02 (45:18):
Yeah, because it could affect like all the
things.
It's the same.
They're always the other.
It's all one.
It's like a disease.
SPEAKER_03 (45:24):
It affects the other elevators.
SPEAKER_01 (45:28):
I'm going to tell you this right now.
I've never had a quote unquotebad experience on an elevator,
mainly because of you know theoldest thing.
But um idiot.
I'm gonna tell you the mostnervous I've ever been on an
(45:49):
elevator is so when I go to LasVegas, I usually stay at this
place called the Excalibur.
SPEAKER_03 (45:56):
Ben, yep.
SPEAKER_01 (45:57):
It's the shittiest place in the nicest area.
SPEAKER_03 (46:00):
$72 for three nights.
Oh, hell no, you get$100.
You get$150 in gambling credits.
SPEAKER_02 (46:07):
Wait, say again?
How much?
Well, that's like the fees.
SPEAKER_03 (46:09):
Yeah, the resort fees.
You pay like$15 resort fee pernight kind of thing.
SPEAKER_02 (46:14):
No, say again.
SPEAKER_03 (46:15):
It was like$75 for three nights with taxes, resort
fee, the whole thing.
SPEAKER_02 (46:19):
Yeah.
Yeah, they give it to you forfree.
Oh, because they want you towaste money on the casino.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (46:24):
They don't do that every casino?
No.
Not all of them.
Not all the time either.
So my convention is at uhMandalay Bay.
SPEAKER_03 (46:33):
That one's connected with the monorail.
SPEAKER_01 (46:35):
So there's a monorail that's free to take.
It comes every five minutes, andit goes the almost two miles
between these three hotels.
And it goes uh Mandalay Bay,Luxor, which is the big pyramid,
and Xcaliber, which is theabsolute fucking dump.
(46:56):
So if I go on my MGM.
I think I blew it up.
If I go on my MGM app, umbasically the way it works is
Excalibur is free anytime I wantto go for however long I want to
go for.
I mean, like$45.
SPEAKER_03 (47:15):
What's the difference?
Right.
You just gotta go down to thedesk and ask them to refund the
fee and they will.
SPEAKER_01 (47:21):
And uh if I go to Luxer, I pay about$40 a night.
What?
It's a little bit nicer.
If I go to Mandalay Bay, it canbe anywhere.
$1,700 a night.
It can be last convention, uhthe the nightly rate was like
(47:41):
$680.
Oh, that's the cheapest?
Yeah.
With with my with my players'reward points.
SPEAKER_02 (47:49):
So give me uh a one through ten for that six hundred
dollar knife line.
SPEAKER_01 (47:55):
Mandalay bait, like overall, is probably a six or a
seven.
That's forty dollars?
No, that's six hundred and six.
Okay, so what's the forty dollarone?
How much is what what the fortydollar one, Luxer in the middle,
yeah, is probably like a four,maybe.
So you're you're only losing twopoints for uh an excaliber is
(48:18):
maybe like a three.
I would Jesus, dude.
That's not bad.
So I always stay in the Xcaliberbecause it's free.
Yeah, and that monorail stay ina shithole.
Yeah, it the monorail takes meexactly where I need to go.
Like how shitty is it though?
Like a Motel 8.
(48:38):
It's way nicer than a Motel.
SPEAKER_02 (48:40):
Okay, so then it's not bad.
SPEAKER_01 (48:41):
It's not bad.
Nothing wrong with it.
But you know, if you go down, ifyou go down, I I don't know if
you've ever been to Vegas, butthere's a strip and it's it
seems like it's about two mileslong of hotels, but it's like
10, 15 miles.
And I mean there's a couplehotels on there that are$2,000 a
(49:02):
night.
SPEAKER_04 (49:03):
They're much amazing, though.
SPEAKER_01 (49:05):
They're they're fucking beautiful.
But uh Xcaliber is the shittiesthotel in the nicest area.
So that's where I usually stay.
But last year I stayed at theLuxer.
Uh which is which is a littlecloser to management.
How much is that one?
It was like 40 bucks a night.
(49:26):
Okay, so it doesn't matter.
And and I was paying for I waspaying for uh three or four
rooms.
So um it just it it just madesense.
Say like, hey guys stay there.
SPEAKER_02 (49:40):
You're like, hey, hey employees, I got a little
extra dough.
We're not staying at the freeone, giving you a$40 night one.
So we got an extra point.
SPEAKER_01 (49:48):
So the thing was is we would have stayed at
Excalibur, but we couldn't get aroom.
We couldn't get the it was threerooms.
We couldn't get three rooms onthe same floor.
So why does that matter?
Well, because I'm there with myboys, like and Luxer guaranteed
me three rooms in a row.
It doesn't matter.
(50:09):
You hang out in someone's roomand you go to bed.
Fuck.
Um but anyway.
Right, Chris?
Uh so we stayed there, and uh itwas one of the guys' first it
was my brother Joel's first timegoing on an airplane, staying at
a fucking real hotel.
(50:31):
Like he had a lot of firsts.
Um how much was she?
Uh they're really reasonable.
Yeah.
Especially if you tell him it'syour first thing.
You could you could get one, nointernal damage, but something
like crabs, like 30 bucks.
Gross.
Gross.
You always tell me about the whyare you telling this story
(50:54):
though?
If you're losing me.
You know, when it comes tohookers in Vegas, if you're
willing to take open box, youcan get it for like half price.
Yeah, yeah.
But I think you might be gettingtoo much.
We decided to stay in the in thepyramid rather than the big
tower.
SPEAKER_03 (51:10):
The thing about hookers in Vegas is if you make
them think you got money, butwhen they when you fall asleep
and they try to rob you andthere's a note in your wallet
that says, Gotcha, bitch, shewas free.
Yeah.
Because some of them will comeback to you pretending they're
not hookers just so they can robyou.
SPEAKER_02 (51:26):
And if you doesn't a pimp come up to you and say,
Where's the money for thatnight, bitch?
SPEAKER_03 (51:31):
No, these kind of girls don't got no pimps.
What?
SPEAKER_01 (51:34):
Yeah, I had to explain to the people I was with
that was their first time inVegas that do trust me.
She doesn't like you.
She doesn't like you.
SPEAKER_03 (51:43):
No matter how pretty, how ugly, how nice she
thinks she is, how you think shemight be a man, she don't like
you.
Ew, yeah.
That's the scary thing, though.
SPEAKER_01 (51:52):
Anyone could be a man.
But the the pyramid towerelevators don't run up and down.
SPEAKER_03 (52:02):
What?
They they run on chug chug chugchug.
SPEAKER_01 (52:06):
Why?
They because it's in a pyramid.
Oh.
So they start at the first floorand then they tell you it's like
a 36-degree angle.
That's fucking well.
SPEAKER_02 (52:16):
You know what?
I that's better than going up.
It's down directly down anddirectly up.
And it is that fall would be wayeasier.
SPEAKER_01 (52:24):
So fucking crazy.
Like holding your balance goingon this thing.
But wouldn't the fall be wayless extreme?
Well, I don't know.
I think they go straight up.
What are you talking about?
You know, if something breaks, Ithink they go straight up,
straight out the roof.
Oh, you're saying shoot out thefucking ceiling?
(52:44):
Yeah, right out that lightshining up at top of the point.
I don't know.
I don't know elevators.
I'll call my guy from Otis.
SPEAKER_03 (52:52):
The scariest elevator I was ever in was on uh
the arch.
Because that one goes up, thenover, then up, then over, then
up, then over.
Because it's an arch.
SPEAKER_02 (53:02):
But I want to understand though, like how is
that uh how is that engineered?
I don't I feel like that is likethe most importantly.
I guess.
I mean, don't you think thatwould cost a fortune to do
something like that?
SPEAKER_03 (53:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (53:20):
But do they have the money though?
SPEAKER_03 (53:21):
Yeah, it's the go yeah.
It's the what?
They already did it.
It's already done.
No, what what what is it?
What did you say about it?
Well, the U.S.
government built the arch.
What is it?
The arch?
Yeah, the arch in St.
Louis.
Oh, the arch.
Gateway to the west.
I've never been there.
SPEAKER_01 (53:36):
I thought it was the gateway to fentanyl.
No.
SPEAKER_03 (53:42):
So I guess that's it, Jay.
Tell them about elevators.
SPEAKER_02 (53:45):
I would say that uh if you uh ever experience an
elevator that you don't trust,just take the stairs.
Take the stairs.
Take the stairs because you knowwhat?
You're way safer.
SPEAKER_03 (53:55):
Here at Top Shelf Stories, you'd like to teach you
a lesson.
Lessons.
SPEAKER_02 (53:58):
This lesson, take the stairs.
It's more exercise and makesyour heart safe and uh your body
safe.
So just do it.
Good night!
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