September 23, 2025 • 37 mins
Three friends reflect on their complicated relationship with golf, from childhood obsessions to adult misadventures and the unexpected joys found in a sport that's simultaneously frustrating and addictive.
• Tony recounts learning golf at age 12 with his friend Jeff, playing endless rounds at a par-three course called Zoblocky
• Golf took a backseat when teenage interests emerged, but returned as an adult social activity
• After a 14-year hiatus, Tony's anxiety about returning to golf led to practice sessions at local driving ranges
• Jay reveals his surprising golf skills despite using mismatched clubs and an unconventional approach
• Don shares a disastrous golf outing story involving his extremely intoxicated father-in-law
• The hosts discuss infamous golf tournaments, including a controversial strip club-sponsored event
• The group debates the true costs of golf as a hobby and ways to enjoy it without breaking the bank
• The episode concludes with plans to organize their own Top Shelf Stories golf outing
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Today I want to talk about thegreatest game there is find the
(00:38):
wiener the greatest game thereis some.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Some would call it golf.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Are you guys golfers?
I recently went golfing twoSaturdays ago, played 18 at the
Broadlands Before that?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
when did you golf last?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Two years ago I went twice, I didn't go at all last
year.
So here's the deal I found golfwhen I was about 12 years old.
You found golf when I was about12 years old.
You found I found actually.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
You discovered golf similar to the way Jay
discovered ranch dressing dippeditems.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
That's not true.
Golf found me, yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
You know how golf was invented?
That's actually a very thingyou should just know.
Back in the day, scotlandott'sguys, they used to think.
They used to think about what'sthe best sport to play.
They, you're the longest awayfrom your wife.
Let's find the smallest holes,the smallest balls and the
furthest way to to hit, to getthose balls in, to get away from
(01:38):
our wives.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
That's all golf so they invented a game where you
smack a ball 300 yards down totry to nail it into a cup.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
The size of your fist .
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I didn't say exactly nicely and perfectly, but yes
hmm, so scotland, it's reallyexactly what it is so when I was
about 12 years old, I I hadthis really good friend uh named
jeff was it geoff or jeff?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
it was jeff, so it was j-e-F-F, not G-E-O-F-F.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
No, I wouldn't be friends with somebody with a G,
would you?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
pronounce it Geoff or Jeff.
I think it's Geoff.
I'd be confused.
Yeah, Would you call it Geoffor?
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Jeff, If I saw it without knowing it, I'd be like
Geoff.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Geoff, so like a totally different.
Okay, geoff.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
All right, like a totally different.
Okay, joff.
All right, I'm gonna run that.
Okay, go on.
So, jeff and you.
So.
Jeff's dad was obsessed withgolf.
He's obsessed with two things Iremember it vividly golf and
ren and stimpy oh, ren andstimpy was good stuff back in
the day, those two things wereuh, this is jeff's dad's, you
know the?
Speaker 3 (02:42):
same guy that does Brandon's voice does Stimpy's
voice.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
When Jeff's dad was Jeff's dad was he like super old
, but when you're looking backand actually did the math right
now, he was like 28 years old.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Yeah pretty much, pretty much.
He was the only adult I evermet that liked cartoons.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
That became a thing.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Dude, Red and Stimpy wasn't an adult cartoon that was
the age that was in the dawningage, I imagine at least, and
butthead 12 didn't watch.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Beavis, this was 30 years ago.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
This was in the dawning age of the cartoon
network.
Yeah, I bet your cartoonnetwork is 30 years old.
I'm looking it up.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I think it might be more so, uh, jeff's dad used to
take us golfing all the time, tothe point where most of my
summer involved golfing probablytwo, three times a week.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
So did you guys golf with a cart or did you walk it?
No, we couldn't have a cart.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
You walked the shit we had to walk.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Ooh, you walked.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I guess you were 12.
We didn't have a choice, wewere 12.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Were you playing nine or just?
You were probably just playingthe like–.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Well, so most common was a course called Zoblocky,
which is yeah a county park tourSmall nine-hole par three.
Everything's par three.
Everything's par three Yep,it's a super fun.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Well, that means like you'd have like a hundred you
gotta be accurate.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Yeah, they're all like a hundred 70 to like 130
yard, 150 yard holes it's a it'sa great little course and we
would, we would uh, play it.
When would we?
When we get to nine, we wouldjust like dart, oh, back over to
two and we'd sit and play thatfucking course all day so like
like watching two movies at oncewhen you laid paid for one yeah
(04:25):
, well, we were 12 years old wedidn't have fucking money,
fucking bitch, but uh, then.
Then we started uh doingtournaments, so we would do at
least one tournament a month sohow'd you, how'd you do in those
tournaments?
Not terrible, like I wasn'tamazing or anything, but I I
(04:46):
held my own and I was I wastechnically.
I'm sure you could find in somekind of record I was a ranked
golfer when I was like 13 and 14, really, um, and I didn't even
have my own clubs.
I'd borrow jeff's dad's extraclubs, huh, um, you know,
(05:06):
because I was poor and golfclubs were expensive and are
still expensive.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
They used to well, when I go off I only use three
clubs, but you know, when younormally go off, there's like
what?
Nine, ten?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
why do you only use three?
It's hard to find juniors.
They're all up high, jay, uphigh oh sorry I like they're all
hollow plastic.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
I like my three clubs and I I don't deter from them
uh it's not a bad strategy.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Actually, you just shorten your swing or whatever.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yes, exactly, it's not a bad strategy I like to
play every club in the bag but Idon't know every club because I
don't golf all the time.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
So when I hit about 14, 14 and a half, something
like that that was around thetime I seen my first titty.
And I was like golf is fuckingstupid.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Was it your wife's?
Yeah, you didn't get any tittyin golf.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
No, it was actually my babysitter's, you're not
getting any titty in golf.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Is it the one that raped you?
The?
Speaker 3 (06:09):
one that raped me.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
No big deal.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Put this in your mouth and suck it.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
So then when I became an adult, when I was in my
mid-20s, I started going golfing.
I had a couple friends thatwere into golf and I started
going on occasion, you know once, twice a summer Okay, just out
having fun.
And then a couple of my otherfriends got into golf and then I
(06:37):
started working for this guynamed Ray, and Ray only opened
his business so that he couldhave more time to golf.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
So with customers or whatever.
Just whatever now actuallyworking, having someone else do
the work he golfed five days aweek, no matter what.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
If it was, if it was, uh, if the grass was green, he
was playing golf.
That's insane.
And he used to have uh workoutings a couple times a year,
maybe four times a year.
Those are the best.
Yeah, they, um, he'd have liketwo outings where the whole shop
would be there and then youknow, like, if you finished up a
(07:18):
job early or something, you youmight go out with them or
something like that.
But, uh, we used to golf.
I felt pretty regularly when weworked for ray, it was just,
that was his thing.
That's what he did.
Everything he did was basedaround that.
We'd go to different courses.
It's great, um, and I've alwaysbeen, through this whole time,
(07:44):
a proficient golfer Not great,but not bad.
I could golf twice a year anddo almost as good as the people
that golfed all the fucking time.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
How many balls would you lose in an 18-holer?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
At certain times in my life, maybe one, yeah,
certain times in my life, maybelike six.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
I just did a golf outing not too long ago.
I lost 28 balls.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
That makes sense, that actually checks out.
It's a lot.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I was like you know what If someone's got?
Speaker 1 (08:24):
a better shot.
I think I went through sixballs when I did 18 you guys
play like 50 holes whensomeone's got a better shot.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
I didn't want to look for my ball.
Yeah, let's go to that fuckingball.
That makes sense I didn't care.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
So, uh, I stopped working for ray in 2011.
End of summer 2011.
I know that that summer Igolfed probably five times, um,
and then I was like, well, nowI'm starting my own business, so
I'll have plenty of time forgolf of course, because you're
(08:58):
old.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
That was actually the last time I golfed so so it's
been, you know, 14 years since Igolfed I even asked you to golf
with me a couple times.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
You're like yeah, because I haven't done it so
long, I'm like I'd be weird.
Yeah, you're probably waybetter than me, so, um, I get
invited for like the last fiveyears to this same golf outing
every year what's it for I?
I don't go.
What's it for?
Why don't you go?
Uh floor covering associationof wisconsin.
(09:33):
I'll go with you.
Can you bring a partner?
Well, so I get asked every yearI I never go.
And this year I got asked to goon somebody's uh sponsored
foursome like you added to the,you added to the three people
(09:54):
yeah, so I wasn't gonna go, butthe other person of my four one
of the three other people was mybrother okay?
Speaker 3 (10:05):
and I'm like, I'm like all right.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Well, maybe I'll do that, because I know my
brother's gonna suck, so I won'tfeel so fucking stupid
everybody sucks and hopefully weget two other decent golfers
did this already happen yeah, ithappened.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Okay, it's last week you didn't fucking tell me about
that.
Actually, I don't even talk toyou, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
So I just thought like it would be a good idea for
me to go to the driving rangebefore this.
Try to remember how to standall this shit.
So we go to one of thesefucking Practicing always sucks,
we go to one of these.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
You wear yourself out Huge fucking driving range to
one of these practicing alwayssucks, we go to one of these
wear yourself out, huge fuckingdriving range which one, like
the tower ones where you stackup on rack and it's in the
chains.
Where is it at?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
we went to the rock.
Okay, dude, did you get there?
Speaker 3 (10:55):
did you get to the?
Did you get to the third level?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
we.
We got put on the second level,dude I I've been there so many
times.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
I've always wanted to get to the next level.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
They always tell me you can't even if you fucking
make a reservation, there's aheight restriction the ladder
you gotta reach up on the ladderand he can't reach up on the
ladder so fucking dick.
So we go there, they put us onthe second level and I go to hit
my first golf ball in 14 yearsand perfectly straight 216 yards
(11:32):
.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
No, it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I actually did really , really bad and I was I'm so
confused, deathly afraid.
It's like a crippling fear ofheights.
It's like 10 feet high, that's10 more feet than I want to be.
Uh, there's a, there's a giantnet in front of you not I could
(11:58):
not pay attention to what thefuck I was doing.
Oh wow, I was so worried aboutfucking falling off of it.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
I just saw I just saw a video of a guy golfing or
something like that.
He fell and got caught in thenet his leg was stuck in the net
.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
That was actually on happy gilmore too, and that was
john lovitz.
That was in a movie.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Oh shit, that's in a movie, yeah that's right, it's
happy it wasn't online.
Um, oh wow, it was in a movie.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, that's right, it's how they go up there.
It wasn't online, um, oh wow,it was in a fake movie.
So, uh, yeah, I, I wasterrified and I did really,
really, really fucking bad andI'm like this golf outing is
going to be the longest day ofmy fucking life if I'm hitting
balls like this.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
It's different on the course, man so I decide to go
yeah, 100.
So I decide to go to one moredriving range, so you spent the
whole time up there hacking away, thinking you're going to fall
off the ledge.
I was three and a half feetaway from you Just terrified, so
you didn't say hey, ma'am, Ihave a disability.
It's that I can't manage thefact that I'm 12 feet in the air
(13:01):
.
Can I move to the first floor?
Didn't even think of it, Dudethe first floor.
Didn't even think of it.
Dude the first floor.
Hey ma'am, can I go to room 101instead?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
of 201.
I was just wondering if therewere any harnesses that I could
tie off on like like one ofthose retractable ones you gotta
wear on fork trucks.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Yeah, that is bullshit.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
That you got to the second floor and I could never
get there and there's so manytimes, so I decided I want to be
there yeah, I know that'sfucked up well, I'm calling
management, maybe you shouldwear thicker soles in your shoes
.
I'm calling management, so Idecided you bring your own clubs
.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah, I did I always use the range clubs, bro, and
when I pulled so my garage, mygarage is all cabinetry so I got
this, this tall cabinet, thatthat you can like hang shit in,
and that's where my clubs havebeen since I moved into this
house and I pulled them out andthere were so many cobwebs with
(13:54):
those little box elder bugsstuck to them, sure they.
I actually had to hit the clubswith a leaf blower before I
could even take them out inpublic.
But uh, we go, so we leavethere.
I did fucking terrible and Ithis was like a week and a half
before the outing and I was likeI was like I am really really
(14:17):
fucking nervous about howfucking bad this is gonna be.
Now it doesn't even make sense,to me care you, don you even
care.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
You don't have to be good.
It's one of these Partners aregood, let them be good, and
that's the other thing.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
It's an outing though , like everyone there, is just
there, so they're not at workand can have two free beers and
a free lunch.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
No dude, Because Tony always wants to be the one
that's holding everything up.
It was probably you don't haveto hold it, just hit it yeah, it
was probably a scramble andthen run to the next ball but I
didn't know what it was gonna be.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
I haven't been to a fucking outing they're all
scrambles they're alwaysscrambles.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
You cannot have an outing without it being a screen
.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
It takes too long well, I didn't know how big the
outing was going to be either.
It might be 30 people, it mightbe, 300 people Stop getting
defensive, okay, go so.
I'm just saying I didn't knowreally what this outing was
going to be Terrible, anxietycrippling.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Now you're like 40 feet in the air and you're on
the ground.
You don't know how to golf.
What happened?
I can't figure this out.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I can't of this thing .
I don't know what the fuck.
Can you at least drive a cart?
I pass by, or do you ride?
I walk, but I can't believe youwould go.
Still the whole time.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Tony, I can't believe you would go to the rock to
drive when it's not an actualdriving range.
It's more for games.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
No, you practice your swing and stuff.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
That's where my brother goes so that's a place
where you play games.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
So I passed by this little like shithole driving
range.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
This little like that's where you went first.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
I passed by it on my way home most days, so I'm like
I'll just stop there one timeand I buy this fucking enormous
bucket of balls from a like 14year old boy and a 17 year old
girl behind the counter cashonly yep cash pays they sell
gatorades and miller lightthat's it fantastic, dude um,
(16:19):
and you can hit from real grass.
Yep, they got t-boxes if youwant to use those.
So I grabbed this giganticbucket of balls and I'm like,
all right, I'm going club toclub, the club, and I'm gonna
figure out what I need to do onthis.
So I take four or five shots atmy driver and then it starts
coming back to me okay, I needto stand forward on this, I need
(16:42):
to have my club, I need to beoff centered a little bit.
Boom, I start fucking hittingthem dead straight into the
cornfield tony has his phonenext to with a fucking golf tee
with the youtube analyzeryoutube I'm telling him no what
to do as you're swinging,driving the ball oh, okay, when
(17:02):
I, when I was young, um, therewould be like whatever
professionals or whatever, likethe club pros or whatever at
these courses.
I would go to, yeah, and theywould go hit balls with you and
they'd tell you and I rememberone guy said like you have an
established swing, like you needto figure out what to do to
(17:26):
make your swing work, instead oftrying to change what you're
going to do, because he's likeit's just going to be fucked up
if you try to change it.
He's like your swing's likegood enough, you just got to
figure out where you need to be.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Now, when you watch someone swinging a ball golfing,
usually they have a nice dance,nice swing.
When you see someone thatdoesn't know really know what
they're doing, it looks kind ofweird.
Choppy, yeah, so are you achoppier?
No, are you like a nice swinger?
No, I got, I got a beautifulswing.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
Yeah, my mind's a chop to shit like I like I'm
chopping wood okay so I I tookthat bucket of balls and I
started running through and Ifigured out where I needed to be
on most of my clubs and starteddoing really fucking good.
And and then finally I was likeall right, I'm good enough to
(18:21):
go to this outing now.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Like I'm not.
You have like 16 balls and no,I hit them all I'm like, I'm
like, I'm not, I'm done, fuckthe rest of these balls.
I know what I'm doing now I'mlike I'm the bucket leaves a
half, a half lemonade, half uhiced tea he dumps out his sprite
.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
He dumps out his sprite, I'm ready so I'm like
all right, I think I think I gotit down good enough where I'm
not going to be embarrassed, I'mnot going to be hitting a
fucking ball on other fairways,shit like that.
So I'm like all right, I'm allgood.
So my brother calls me up, likethe next day.
He's like.
He's like hey, bro, I need tohit the driving range one more
(19:02):
time before this outing.
And I'm like all right.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So I take chase with me my 12 year old do you take
him to this hogadunk place onthe corner?
Speaker 2 (19:10):
no, we went to a driving range at an actual golf
course because we we were goingto go to just a driving range
but I was like, well, I'd likeit to have a green there that we
can putt around on most drivingranges have a putting and
chipping sorta okay, but patrickcrass is the whole fucking
(19:34):
green.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
I mean yeah you don't got a putting.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Putting shit on the rock, I take, uh, I take chase
and I run through how to swing aclub with them and all this
shit and he, he does fuckingterrible what do you expect the
first time?
Speaker 3 (19:54):
why are you bringing?
Him there if you're, if youwant to practice no, exactly he.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
He does fucking terrible.
It's exactly what I expectedout of a 12-year-old who's never
swung a golf club, but every 10balls he's getting a hold of
one and hitting it 55 yards.
Yeah, he's just swinging Withthe driver, that's it.
Yeah, like yeah, nothing,nothing good.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
He hit nothing over 100 yards Quick story Two kids,
one's 9, one's 12 bring him tothat rock thing you talked about
could never get below above thefirst floor.
My kids fucking the first time.
Nine-year-old hit a fucking 70yards.
First hit, yeah, theleft-hander.
12-year-old hit like 80, butconsistently.
(20:41):
After one after the other, 80,80, 80.
I'm like what the fuck?
What am I doing wrong?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
go ahead, don go ahead, uh so he does terrible,
but is the most excited aboutthis of anything he's ever done
in his life.
He's hitting the ball.
It's fucking rolling in frontof him 80 yards.
He's jumping in the airscreaming it's my pb, it's my pb
(21:10):
, dad.
Did you see that?
Speaker 3 (21:12):
it's my personal best .
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Oh god, I hate when people say that and uh, he's so
fucking stoked on this and eversince that day I've had him ask
me over 2,000 times to go backto the driving range so that we
could golf.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Thanks Dad for never taking me after those 2,000
times.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Thanks, how you ever taken them, and just at one time
.
Yeah, it's only as only a week,so two thousand?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
he asked you two thousand times in a week bro.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
He asked me 15 times that day because we got back
from the driving range at likesix o'clock.
It's not going to be dark foranother two hours.
Can we go back?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (22:04):
yeah, but when my kids hit it bad and I'm sure you
have the same thing happen theyget fucking pissed he wasn't
getting mad at all.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
They're doing a happy gilmore slam on the ground with
the club.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Well, because it's not their clubs I'm pretty sure
they would do that with theirown clubs.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
Yeah, they would do that with their own clubs.
You think so?
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Oh fuck yeah, because they didn't pay for them, I
would have bought them.
Okay, golf.
I don't know where to startwith this, but my first good job
that I liked and worked my assoff at to be the best at always
was the golf range.
I worked at a golf range.
(22:46):
Wow, I would hit probably 300balls a day, five at a time
every 15 minutes so you're goodand I would hit all different
clubs.
So you're good, but I would bedoing it with jean shorts and
flip-flops, taking those off anddoing it barefoot.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
I mean just wearing jean shorts alone.
This is when I was in highschool.
It's a mistake.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Now I wear cargoes because that's cool now.
I think, but so I have an actualdecent and so then I became
friends with like the golf pros.
I worked there for like threeyears, came friends with the
golf pros, the tour guys thatwould come through all the
fucking and I would let the oldmen give me tips, the other
(23:30):
ladies give me the whole thing.
We participated in everything Icould.
Got to be pretty good atchipping the ball and under the
green from 75 yards almost everysingle time, consistently,
always.
And then it was got good atdriving and I hit shit clubs,
always the shit range clubs,whatever people would forget
there, and all that kind of shit.
So whenever anyone asked me togo golfing I don't particularly
(23:54):
enjoy golfing, actually I thinkit takes too fucking long and
it's like it's always likewhatever, whatever.
But I enjoy it not a little bit.
Well a whatever, whatever, butI enjoy it a little bit.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
Well a part about golfing is the fact that it
takes long.
Like I just told you the reasonwhy golf was made was the
reason for it being long.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
The golf outings are great because those are fun,
those are like an event.
But the golf outings are thebest, too, because you play.
What happens is these guys allshow up in their golf shit
because they're fucking seriousand they got the newest clubs
and the coolest bags and thegloves on and the pants with the
shoes and they got theirpluckers for when they divot and
(24:33):
they got their everything rightthe rags, all the tour balls.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
I got all that shit.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
Fucking heads on their golf clubs could fucking
whack an airplane into flightLike they're everything.
My bag of sticks.
It comes from a garage salethat didn't sell.
Left in the house after it'ssold.
My friend tried to sell them onFacebook marketplace for free,
(25:01):
if you come get them, and hedropped them off at my house.
Yeah, and those golf outings.
We use my ball like 70% of thetime in the course of your clubs
.
We use my ball because I'malways the best ball.
Oh, your ball.
Okay, I got you.
But I do have a lot ofinconsistently because I don't
play very often, but I do ratherenjoy fooling these goons.
(25:22):
I'll literally play with noshoes on for this back nine it's
bad, but they don't.
I, I'm good at it.
I got.
I went to the broadlands.
I shot a uh t shot on this parthree.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Got myself within like 18 inches of the hole,
putted it in nice fucking birdietony, that's where the nice
comes, and do it nice nice, butso my retirement plan?
Speaker 1 (25:49):
my first job was the golf range you want that to be
your last I'm going to have agolf range is my retirement.
I want to get a piece of landthat's on the outskirts of some
city and that city will growinto my golf range and
eventually someone will buy myland for way too much money, and
then that's when I will just bedead or whatever.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Golfing is like a sunrise or sunset.
It's like you just relax in theopen and you slowly hit the
ball and then you watch it float.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
But it's an incredibly expensive hobby to
have.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Incredibly expensive.
No, it is.
You just told me, you got freeclubs.
How's that?
Speaker 1 (26:33):
expensive Because I'm not normal.
Everyone else has everything.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
No, trust me.
And then the greens fees.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
We used a coupon and we had buy one, get one free.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
I don't spend shit on my stuff.
I find things the beers werelike $9 on the holes.
I think we drank four or fiveof them.
Suckers Well, they don't drinkbeer.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
You're not supposed to eat Gatorades and shit.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
I found half my clubs going through a route or an
18-holer.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
Lost and found yeah route or uh, yeah, no yeah, in
elementary school they were onthe hole.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Someone left it.
I just fuck it.
I needed right.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
I need a wedge and, like I said before, I only use
three clubs yeah, when I, when Iused to be and I use this term
loosely but mildly- serious, I'mnot actually that good.
I thought you I thought you'regonna say gay.
There was this place called uhwillow run.
It's now called the piwakicountry club, but it's right
(27:32):
next to that big country springswater park, sure, um, we used
to go there, I feel like everycouple weeks, because after 5 pm
, 18 holes with a cart was uhlike 14 and it was wonderful.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
That's just you racing through the course now
until dark it doesn't matter ifyou're using one cart, both of
you, of your, of you and theperson in your cart have to pay
for the cart.
Yeah, it's fucked, it's thesame price.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
They won't let you walk.
They won't let you walk thecourses either.
You gotta pay for the cart.
Yeah whatever, and they makeboth of you pay, but they won't
give you two carts, becausethat's what I asked.
I'm like because we went, meand my buddy went, this shot 18
and we had to get a cart.
And he's like, yeah, I had topay for both of us for a cart.
I'm like, well, where's my cart?
(28:26):
He's like, no, they only giveyou one card I'm like well, what
?
what if we pretend like we don'tknow each other and we just
like like what do you mean?
Speaker 3 (28:35):
I, I don't want to, so there's a local radio station
in our city called Bob andBrian.
It's called the Bob and BrianOpen.
They've been doing it for 30years.
I did it with my father-in-law,my brother-in-law and then one
of the workers I work with.
Anyway, it's one of thosethings where it's a big fucking
(28:58):
deal.
It's like $200, $300 a person.
You get all this free shit.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Every single hole has like a something, something
going on like I met chrisfarley's brother I think it's
tom farley at one of thesebecause he lives in our, uh,
wisconsin.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
yeah, he lives in madison.
I don't know.
I don't know where he lives,but it's a huge deal and there's
fucking, there's newscasts,there's fuck.
They do the radio station thereand it's a huge thing.
And when I did it I was with myfather-in-law and he got wasted
(29:38):
, so we were at about the sixthhole and he is kind of hunched
over, almost falling out of thecart as I'm driving.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
By the sixth hole.
This is like an hour in noteven yeah, not even.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
And we're talking like 9.30 in the morning and at
this point I'm like, oh fuck, hecan't even hit the ball.
So basically he's just sittingin the car going from hole to
hole.
So we're at the ninth hole andhe is vomiting in the back
behind me, all over our clubs.
Great, just a stream of vomitin my uh brother-in-law's uh
(30:16):
falling behind us.
He's like hey, there'ssomething, come out of your cart
.
It's fucking weird and chunky,did you see?
Because you can't.
You can't see him because thegulf, the bags are stacked
behind.
He's like hey, there's somethingcome out of your cart.
It's fucking weird and chunky,gross, because you can't see him
, because the bags are stackedbehind the cart and you can just
see stuff spraying out of yourcart.
And it was not like water, itwas chunky, oh my gosh.
(30:37):
So I got in trouble, so I hadto take him off the entire
course, drive him somewhere else.
I drove him away from the thecourse and I wait for uh
ambulance not ambulance, butlike just to make sure he was
okay.
It wasn't because it was a warmday, you know, he could be.
They think he probably could bedehydrated or he'd stroked or
(30:59):
whatever.
And so I waited for the uhparamedics or whatever to come
and they didn't try pumping allthe fluid from your golf bags
back in them.
My god, dude, the cart wasfucking soaked.
It was so fucked so I couldn'tfinish the game.
They made a stop at ninth hole.
I told my, my brother-in-lawand the other guy I was with
(31:20):
that you could finish it.
They let them finish it.
I had to go back to theclubhouse.
At the clubhouse I stayed therewith him watching him just
drinking vodka, orange juices.
At this point no, he wasbasically just passed out.
He fell asleep on the couch.
Like there's this outside ofthe clubhouse, there's these
couches, there's like tons ofseating and just everything.
I'm like like just find a chair, sit down and fall asleep.
(31:43):
That's what he did.
So after this there's probablylike another five hours before
dinner came and I waited for my,my brother-in-law, to finish
golf came back.
I left him because he wasalready asleep.
My father-in-law, we went todinner, came back from dinner
and then all of these policewere right by the clubhouse,
(32:06):
like holding him in.
I don't know they didn't havehandcuffs, but they were holding
him ready to like put him in asquad card.
So I was like I came over there.
I'm like what's going on?
It's my father-in-law, chillout.
And this one guy that workedthere.
It was like I told you that youhave to be here and watch him,
otherwise you guys have to leave.
(32:27):
So he's yelling at me that Ididn't do that and I told hey,
hey, I paid $300 for this golfouting I'm getting my meal.
Not only that is like you golfouting, I'm getting my meal
right.
Not only that, it's like youget free shit, it's like raffles
for you know gift cards forfree stuff.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
Right, that's part of the whatever, yeah, so I had to
get that out of the way I cameback.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
I got yelled at, they kicked us out and I was never
allowed there again.
So that's the last time youwent golfing no, but that was
the last time I've ever been tothat, golf course was it
ironwood golf course?
No, I was in lake geneva, yeah,that great golf course.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
The bob and brian opening is probably.
It is insane.
But all the golf outings that'swhere it's at.
Going with your buddies isgreat, but it's such a thing
takes forever I remember.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Uh, there there's a strip club on the outside of
town.
Um what town?
It's?
On milwaukee racine border, thefuck's the name of it.
It's on 27th street.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Skin me silk I don't know Skin me Silk, I don't know
it's called On the Border.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
On the Border, gentlemen.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Okay On the Border, so they used to do a big golf
outing every year.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
Really.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And it would make the news every single year.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
People got so fucked up.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
Yeah, and because all the strippers are there like
topless.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
No, they couldn't be there topless.
No way, it's outdoors.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
You can't, so it got shut down.
This is probably like 15 yearsago.
You can't be topless outdoors.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
Come on, dude, if you're a girl, no, why Didn't
you say?
Speaker 1 (34:16):
you're a man.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
With boobs.
No, this was before anybody waswoke.
Yeah, this was before anybodywas woke.
Yeah, it was before thewokeness 10, 15 years ago.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
He's like I'm not a girl.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
They hosted it at a golf course that most of it is
along the expressway.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Yeah.
Oh sure, the big expresswaythat goes from Chicago to
Milwaukee.
See those titties in the golfcourse.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Apparently, there were just titties everywhere and
people started calling the cops.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Did you partake in this outing?
Speaker 2 (34:51):
No I wish that shit was expensive.
How?
Speaker 3 (34:54):
did you know about?
Speaker 2 (34:55):
this then, because it was on the news every year.
Every year there was somefucking issue with it.
I don't remember this year'tremember enough people what year
was this this was 10 15 yearsthey're still doing it.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
No, no, they uh, you can't do that outside.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
It's not, there's no way to stop with you can't be
naked outside you can't?
Speaker 2 (35:15):
the police broke it up in the middle of it because
so many people called the copsbecause they were driving with
their kids in the car.
It literally has to be like agame fucking golf course All
them kids were fed by a tit andnow it's like a big issue
because they're seeing one onthe freeway.
Like there's always got to besome fucking negative Nancy,
(35:36):
that just ruins everybody's fun,ruins everybody's fun.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
But no.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
I love golf and I think I got it All right.
We're doing it.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Top Shelf Stories is having a golf outing.
At least the three of us can go.
We'll get a fourth Maybe ournew tech engineer.
We need an engineer.
No, we need a marketing guy.
We need more people to listento our podcast.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
You need to tell your friends we need everything.
Chris or not, or it could bejust for us Fuck you.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
No, we need to go golf.
Outing Marketing guy can bepart of our foursome.
Sign up for the Bob and BrianOpen and take over the airwaves.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
I like it.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
All right, leave us out, we could sponsor a whole
app.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Bob and Brian's Golf Outing.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
We could you know how much that would cost Fucking
that Bob and Brian's golf?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
outing Good.
You know how much that wouldcost?
Fucking nothing.
It'd be a tax write-off Fixingyour fucking boat six times,
don't you know how taxwrite-offs work, you still have
to pay for it.
You dick yeah, but it's a taxwrite-off.
Speaker 3 (36:33):
Yeah, after you've paid for it.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
I don't think you understand how tax write-offs
work.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
We'll set a shelf out like 90 yards and if you put it
on to the top shelf, we'll giveyou a t-shirt.
I'll be like a bookshelf.
Put it on the top bookshelf,we'll give you a t-shirt.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
I mean 90 yards, you gotta give them a better fucking
prize.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
Two t-shirts.
It's twice as good.
Oh, the music All right someonelead us out.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
All right, that was our episode on golf.
Check us out wherever you getyour podcasts on the internet or
whatever.
And, yeah, hit Jay up, emailhim for a t-shirt or whatnot.
I don't know how any of thisworks.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
Thank you for listening.
See you next Tuesday.
Good night.
Know how any of this works.
Thank you for listening.
See you next tuesday, goodnight.
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Today I want to talk about thegreatest game there is find the
(00:38):
wiener the greatest game thereis some.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Some would call it golf.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Are you guys golfers?
I recently went golfing twoSaturdays ago, played 18 at the
Broadlands Before that?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
when did you golf last?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Two years ago I went twice, I didn't go at all last
year.
So here's the deal I found golfwhen I was about 12 years old.
You found golf when I was about12 years old.
You found I found actually.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
You discovered golf similar to the way Jay
discovered ranch dressing dippeditems.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
That's not true.
Golf found me, yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
You know how golf was invented?
That's actually a very thingyou should just know.
Back in the day, scotlandott'sguys, they used to think.
They used to think about what'sthe best sport to play.
They, you're the longest awayfrom your wife.
Let's find the smallest holes,the smallest balls and the
furthest way to to hit, to getthose balls in, to get away from
(01:38):
our wives.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
That's all golf so they invented a game where you
smack a ball 300 yards down totry to nail it into a cup.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
The size of your fist .
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I didn't say exactly nicely and perfectly, but yes
hmm, so scotland, it's reallyexactly what it is so when I was
about 12 years old, I I hadthis really good friend uh named
jeff was it geoff or jeff?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
it was jeff, so it was j-e-F-F, not G-E-O-F-F.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
No, I wouldn't be friends with somebody with a G,
would you?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
pronounce it Geoff or Jeff.
I think it's Geoff.
I'd be confused.
Yeah, Would you call it Geoffor?
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Jeff, If I saw it without knowing it, I'd be like
Geoff.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Geoff, so like a totally different.
Okay, geoff.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
All right, like a totally different.
Okay, joff.
All right, I'm gonna run that.
Okay, go on.
So, jeff and you.
So.
Jeff's dad was obsessed withgolf.
He's obsessed with two things Iremember it vividly golf and
ren and stimpy oh, ren andstimpy was good stuff back in
the day, those two things wereuh, this is jeff's dad's, you
know the?
Speaker 3 (02:42):
same guy that does Brandon's voice does Stimpy's
voice.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
When Jeff's dad was Jeff's dad was he like super old
, but when you're looking backand actually did the math right
now, he was like 28 years old.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Yeah pretty much, pretty much.
He was the only adult I evermet that liked cartoons.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
That became a thing.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Dude, Red and Stimpy wasn't an adult cartoon that was
the age that was in the dawningage, I imagine at least, and
butthead 12 didn't watch.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Beavis, this was 30 years ago.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
This was in the dawning age of the cartoon
network.
Yeah, I bet your cartoonnetwork is 30 years old.
I'm looking it up.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I think it might be more so, uh, jeff's dad used to
take us golfing all the time, tothe point where most of my
summer involved golfing probablytwo, three times a week.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
So did you guys golf with a cart or did you walk it?
No, we couldn't have a cart.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
You walked the shit we had to walk.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Ooh, you walked.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I guess you were 12.
We didn't have a choice, wewere 12.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Were you playing nine or just?
You were probably just playingthe like–.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Well, so most common was a course called Zoblocky,
which is yeah a county park tourSmall nine-hole par three.
Everything's par three.
Everything's par three Yep,it's a super fun.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Well, that means like you'd have like a hundred you
gotta be accurate.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Yeah, they're all like a hundred 70 to like 130
yard, 150 yard holes it's a it'sa great little course and we
would, we would uh, play it.
When would we?
When we get to nine, we wouldjust like dart, oh, back over to
two and we'd sit and play thatfucking course all day so like
like watching two movies at oncewhen you laid paid for one yeah
(04:25):
, well, we were 12 years old wedidn't have fucking money,
fucking bitch, but uh, then.
Then we started uh doingtournaments, so we would do at
least one tournament a month sohow'd you, how'd you do in those
tournaments?
Not terrible, like I wasn'tamazing or anything, but I I
(04:46):
held my own and I was I wastechnically.
I'm sure you could find in somekind of record I was a ranked
golfer when I was like 13 and 14, really, um, and I didn't even
have my own clubs.
I'd borrow jeff's dad's extraclubs, huh, um, you know,
(05:06):
because I was poor and golfclubs were expensive and are
still expensive.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
They used to well, when I go off I only use three
clubs, but you know, when younormally go off, there's like
what?
Nine, ten?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
why do you only use three?
It's hard to find juniors.
They're all up high, jay, uphigh oh sorry I like they're all
hollow plastic.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
I like my three clubs and I I don't deter from them
uh it's not a bad strategy.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Actually, you just shorten your swing or whatever.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yes, exactly, it's not a bad strategy I like to
play every club in the bag but Idon't know every club because I
don't golf all the time.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
So when I hit about 14, 14 and a half, something
like that that was around thetime I seen my first titty.
And I was like golf is fuckingstupid.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Was it your wife's?
Yeah, you didn't get any tittyin golf.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
No, it was actually my babysitter's, you're not
getting any titty in golf.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Is it the one that raped you?
The?
Speaker 3 (06:09):
one that raped me.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
No big deal.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Put this in your mouth and suck it.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
So then when I became an adult, when I was in my
mid-20s, I started going golfing.
I had a couple friends thatwere into golf and I started
going on occasion, you know once, twice a summer Okay, just out
having fun.
And then a couple of my otherfriends got into golf and then I
(06:37):
started working for this guynamed Ray, and Ray only opened
his business so that he couldhave more time to golf.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
So with customers or whatever.
Just whatever now actuallyworking, having someone else do
the work he golfed five days aweek, no matter what.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
If it was, if it was, uh, if the grass was green, he
was playing golf.
That's insane.
And he used to have uh workoutings a couple times a year,
maybe four times a year.
Those are the best.
Yeah, they, um, he'd have liketwo outings where the whole shop
would be there and then youknow, like, if you finished up a
(07:18):
job early or something, you youmight go out with them or
something like that.
But, uh, we used to golf.
I felt pretty regularly when weworked for ray, it was just,
that was his thing.
That's what he did.
Everything he did was basedaround that.
We'd go to different courses.
It's great, um, and I've alwaysbeen, through this whole time,
(07:44):
a proficient golfer Not great,but not bad.
I could golf twice a year anddo almost as good as the people
that golfed all the fucking time.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
How many balls would you lose in an 18-holer?
Speaker 2 (08:06):
At certain times in my life, maybe one, yeah,
certain times in my life, maybelike six.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
I just did a golf outing not too long ago.
I lost 28 balls.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
That makes sense, that actually checks out.
It's a lot.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I was like you know what If someone's got?
Speaker 1 (08:24):
a better shot.
I think I went through sixballs when I did 18 you guys
play like 50 holes whensomeone's got a better shot.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
I didn't want to look for my ball.
Yeah, let's go to that fuckingball.
That makes sense I didn't care.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
So, uh, I stopped working for ray in 2011.
End of summer 2011.
I know that that summer Igolfed probably five times, um,
and then I was like, well, nowI'm starting my own business, so
I'll have plenty of time forgolf of course, because you're
(08:58):
old.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
That was actually the last time I golfed so so it's
been, you know, 14 years since Igolfed I even asked you to golf
with me a couple times.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
You're like yeah, because I haven't done it so
long, I'm like I'd be weird.
Yeah, you're probably waybetter than me, so, um, I get
invited for like the last fiveyears to this same golf outing
every year what's it for I?
I don't go.
What's it for?
Why don't you go?
Uh floor covering associationof wisconsin.
(09:33):
I'll go with you.
Can you bring a partner?
Well, so I get asked every yearI I never go.
And this year I got asked to goon somebody's uh sponsored
foursome like you added to the,you added to the three people
(09:54):
yeah, so I wasn't gonna go, butthe other person of my four one
of the three other people was mybrother okay?
Speaker 3 (10:05):
and I'm like, I'm like all right.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Well, maybe I'll do that, because I know my
brother's gonna suck, so I won'tfeel so fucking stupid
everybody sucks and hopefully weget two other decent golfers
did this already happen yeah, ithappened.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Okay, it's last week you didn't fucking tell me about
that.
Actually, I don't even talk toyou, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
So I just thought like it would be a good idea for
me to go to the driving rangebefore this.
Try to remember how to standall this shit.
So we go to one of thesefucking Practicing always sucks,
we go to one of these.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
You wear yourself out Huge fucking driving range to
one of these practicing alwayssucks, we go to one of these
wear yourself out, huge fuckingdriving range which one, like
the tower ones where you stackup on rack and it's in the
chains.
Where is it at?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
we went to the rock.
Okay, dude, did you get there?
Speaker 3 (10:55):
did you get to the?
Did you get to the third level?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
we.
We got put on the second level,dude I I've been there so many
times.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
I've always wanted to get to the next level.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
They always tell me you can't even if you fucking
make a reservation, there's aheight restriction the ladder
you gotta reach up on the ladderand he can't reach up on the
ladder so fucking dick.
So we go there, they put us onthe second level and I go to hit
my first golf ball in 14 yearsand perfectly straight 216 yards
(11:32):
.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
No, it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I actually did really , really bad and I was I'm so
confused, deathly afraid.
It's like a crippling fear ofheights.
It's like 10 feet high, that's10 more feet than I want to be.
Uh, there's a, there's a giantnet in front of you not I could
(11:58):
not pay attention to what thefuck I was doing.
Oh wow, I was so worried aboutfucking falling off of it.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
I just saw I just saw a video of a guy golfing or
something like that.
He fell and got caught in thenet his leg was stuck in the net
.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
That was actually on happy gilmore too, and that was
john lovitz.
That was in a movie.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Oh shit, that's in a movie, yeah that's right, it's
happy it wasn't online.
Um, oh wow, it was in a movie.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, that's right, it's how they go up there.
It wasn't online, um, oh wow,it was in a fake movie.
So, uh, yeah, I, I wasterrified and I did really,
really, really fucking bad andI'm like this golf outing is
going to be the longest day ofmy fucking life if I'm hitting
balls like this.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
It's different on the course, man so I decide to go
yeah, 100.
So I decide to go to one moredriving range, so you spent the
whole time up there hacking away, thinking you're going to fall
off the ledge.
I was three and a half feetaway from you Just terrified, so
you didn't say hey, ma'am, Ihave a disability.
It's that I can't manage thefact that I'm 12 feet in the air
(13:01):
.
Can I move to the first floor?
Didn't even think of it, Dudethe first floor.
Didn't even think of it.
Dude the first floor.
Hey ma'am, can I go to room 101instead?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
of 201.
I was just wondering if therewere any harnesses that I could
tie off on like like one ofthose retractable ones you gotta
wear on fork trucks.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Yeah, that is bullshit.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
That you got to the second floor and I could never
get there and there's so manytimes, so I decided I want to be
there yeah, I know that'sfucked up well, I'm calling
management, maybe you shouldwear thicker soles in your shoes
.
I'm calling management, so Idecided you bring your own clubs
.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah, I did I always use the range clubs, bro, and
when I pulled so my garage, mygarage is all cabinetry so I got
this, this tall cabinet, thatthat you can like hang shit in,
and that's where my clubs havebeen since I moved into this
house and I pulled them out andthere were so many cobwebs with
(13:54):
those little box elder bugsstuck to them, sure they.
I actually had to hit the clubswith a leaf blower before I
could even take them out inpublic.
But uh, we go, so we leavethere.
I did fucking terrible and Ithis was like a week and a half
before the outing and I was likeI was like I am really really
(14:17):
fucking nervous about howfucking bad this is gonna be.
Now it doesn't even make sense,to me care you, don you even
care.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
You don't have to be good.
It's one of these Partners aregood, let them be good, and
that's the other thing.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
It's an outing though , like everyone there, is just
there, so they're not at workand can have two free beers and
a free lunch.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
No dude, Because Tony always wants to be the one
that's holding everything up.
It was probably you don't haveto hold it, just hit it yeah, it
was probably a scramble andthen run to the next ball but I
didn't know what it was gonna be.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
I haven't been to a fucking outing they're all
scrambles they're alwaysscrambles.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
You cannot have an outing without it being a screen
.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
It takes too long well, I didn't know how big the
outing was going to be either.
It might be 30 people, it mightbe, 300 people Stop getting
defensive, okay, go so.
I'm just saying I didn't knowreally what this outing was
going to be Terrible, anxietycrippling.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Now you're like 40 feet in the air and you're on
the ground.
You don't know how to golf.
What happened?
I can't figure this out.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I can't of this thing .
I don't know what the fuck.
Can you at least drive a cart?
I pass by, or do you ride?
I walk, but I can't believe youwould go.
Still the whole time.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Tony, I can't believe you would go to the rock to
drive when it's not an actualdriving range.
It's more for games.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
No, you practice your swing and stuff.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
That's where my brother goes so that's a place
where you play games.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
So I passed by this little like shithole driving
range.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
This little like that's where you went first.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
I passed by it on my way home most days, so I'm like
I'll just stop there one timeand I buy this fucking enormous
bucket of balls from a like 14year old boy and a 17 year old
girl behind the counter cashonly yep cash pays they sell
gatorades and miller lightthat's it fantastic, dude um,
(16:19):
and you can hit from real grass.
Yep, they got t-boxes if youwant to use those.
So I grabbed this giganticbucket of balls and I'm like,
all right, I'm going club toclub, the club, and I'm gonna
figure out what I need to do onthis.
So I take four or five shots atmy driver and then it starts
coming back to me okay, I needto stand forward on this, I need
(16:42):
to have my club, I need to beoff centered a little bit.
Boom, I start fucking hittingthem dead straight into the
cornfield tony has his phonenext to with a fucking golf tee
with the youtube analyzeryoutube I'm telling him no what
to do as you're swinging,driving the ball oh, okay, when
(17:02):
I, when I was young, um, therewould be like whatever
professionals or whatever, likethe club pros or whatever at
these courses.
I would go to, yeah, and theywould go hit balls with you and
they'd tell you and I rememberone guy said like you have an
established swing, like you needto figure out what to do to
(17:26):
make your swing work, instead oftrying to change what you're
going to do, because he's likeit's just going to be fucked up
if you try to change it.
He's like your swing's likegood enough, you just got to
figure out where you need to be.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Now, when you watch someone swinging a ball golfing,
usually they have a nice dance,nice swing.
When you see someone thatdoesn't know really know what
they're doing, it looks kind ofweird.
Choppy, yeah, so are you achoppier?
No, are you like a nice swinger?
No, I got, I got a beautifulswing.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
Yeah, my mind's a chop to shit like I like I'm
chopping wood okay so I I tookthat bucket of balls and I
started running through and Ifigured out where I needed to be
on most of my clubs and starteddoing really fucking good.
And and then finally I was likeall right, I'm good enough to
(18:21):
go to this outing now.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Like I'm not.
You have like 16 balls and no,I hit them all I'm like, I'm
like, I'm not, I'm done, fuckthe rest of these balls.
I know what I'm doing now I'mlike I'm the bucket leaves a
half, a half lemonade, half uhiced tea he dumps out his sprite
.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
He dumps out his sprite, I'm ready so I'm like
all right, I think I think I gotit down good enough where I'm
not going to be embarrassed, I'mnot going to be hitting a
fucking ball on other fairways,shit like that.
So I'm like all right, I'm allgood.
So my brother calls me up, likethe next day.
He's like.
He's like hey, bro, I need tohit the driving range one more
(19:02):
time before this outing.
And I'm like all right.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So I take chase with me my 12 year old do you take
him to this hogadunk place onthe corner?
Speaker 2 (19:10):
no, we went to a driving range at an actual golf
course because we we were goingto go to just a driving range
but I was like, well, I'd likeit to have a green there that we
can putt around on most drivingranges have a putting and
chipping sorta okay, but patrickcrass is the whole fucking
(19:34):
green.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
I mean yeah you don't got a putting.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Putting shit on the rock, I take, uh, I take chase
and I run through how to swing aclub with them and all this
shit and he, he does fuckingterrible what do you expect the
first time?
Speaker 3 (19:54):
why are you bringing?
Him there if you're, if youwant to practice no, exactly he.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
He does fucking terrible.
It's exactly what I expectedout of a 12-year-old who's never
swung a golf club, but every 10balls he's getting a hold of
one and hitting it 55 yards.
Yeah, he's just swinging Withthe driver, that's it.
Yeah, like yeah, nothing,nothing good.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
He hit nothing over 100 yards Quick story Two kids,
one's 9, one's 12 bring him tothat rock thing you talked about
could never get below above thefirst floor.
My kids fucking the first time.
Nine-year-old hit a fucking 70yards.
First hit, yeah, theleft-hander.
12-year-old hit like 80, butconsistently.
(20:41):
After one after the other, 80,80, 80.
I'm like what the fuck?
What am I doing wrong?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
go ahead, don go ahead, uh so he does terrible,
but is the most excited aboutthis of anything he's ever done
in his life.
He's hitting the ball.
It's fucking rolling in frontof him 80 yards.
He's jumping in the airscreaming it's my pb, it's my pb
(21:10):
, dad.
Did you see that?
Speaker 3 (21:12):
it's my personal best .
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Oh god, I hate when people say that and uh, he's so
fucking stoked on this and eversince that day I've had him ask
me over 2,000 times to go backto the driving range so that we
could golf.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Thanks Dad for never taking me after those 2,000
times.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Thanks, how you ever taken them, and just at one time
.
Yeah, it's only as only a week,so two thousand?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
he asked you two thousand times in a week bro.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
He asked me 15 times that day because we got back
from the driving range at likesix o'clock.
It's not going to be dark foranother two hours.
Can we go back?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (22:04):
yeah, but when my kids hit it bad and I'm sure you
have the same thing happen theyget fucking pissed he wasn't
getting mad at all.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
They're doing a happy gilmore slam on the ground with
the club.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Well, because it's not their clubs I'm pretty sure
they would do that with theirown clubs.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
Yeah, they would do that with their own clubs.
You think so?
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Oh fuck yeah, because they didn't pay for them, I
would have bought them.
Okay, golf.
I don't know where to startwith this, but my first good job
that I liked and worked my assoff at to be the best at always
was the golf range.
I worked at a golf range.
(22:46):
Wow, I would hit probably 300balls a day, five at a time
every 15 minutes so you're goodand I would hit all different
clubs.
So you're good, but I would bedoing it with jean shorts and
flip-flops, taking those off anddoing it barefoot.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
I mean just wearing jean shorts alone.
This is when I was in highschool.
It's a mistake.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Now I wear cargoes because that's cool now.
I think, but so I have an actualdecent and so then I became
friends with like the golf pros.
I worked there for like threeyears, came friends with the
golf pros, the tour guys thatwould come through all the
fucking and I would let the oldmen give me tips, the other
(23:30):
ladies give me the whole thing.
We participated in everything Icould.
Got to be pretty good atchipping the ball and under the
green from 75 yards almost everysingle time, consistently,
always.
And then it was got good atdriving and I hit shit clubs,
always the shit range clubs,whatever people would forget
there, and all that kind of shit.
So whenever anyone asked me togo golfing I don't particularly
(23:54):
enjoy golfing, actually I thinkit takes too fucking long and
it's like it's always likewhatever, whatever.
But I enjoy it not a little bit.
Well a whatever, whatever, butI enjoy it a little bit.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
Well a part about golfing is the fact that it
takes long.
Like I just told you the reasonwhy golf was made was the
reason for it being long.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
The golf outings are great because those are fun,
those are like an event.
But the golf outings are thebest, too, because you play.
What happens is these guys allshow up in their golf shit
because they're fucking seriousand they got the newest clubs
and the coolest bags and thegloves on and the pants with the
shoes and they got theirpluckers for when they divot and
(24:33):
they got their everything rightthe rags, all the tour balls.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
I got all that shit.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
Fucking heads on their golf clubs could fucking
whack an airplane into flightLike they're everything.
My bag of sticks.
It comes from a garage salethat didn't sell.
Left in the house after it'ssold.
My friend tried to sell them onFacebook marketplace for free,
(25:01):
if you come get them, and hedropped them off at my house.
Yeah, and those golf outings.
We use my ball like 70% of thetime in the course of your clubs
.
We use my ball because I'malways the best ball.
Oh, your ball.
Okay, I got you.
But I do have a lot ofinconsistently because I don't
play very often, but I do ratherenjoy fooling these goons.
(25:22):
I'll literally play with noshoes on for this back nine it's
bad, but they don't.
I, I'm good at it.
I got.
I went to the broadlands.
I shot a uh t shot on this parthree.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Got myself within like 18 inches of the hole,
putted it in nice fucking birdietony, that's where the nice
comes, and do it nice nice, butso my retirement plan?
Speaker 1 (25:49):
my first job was the golf range you want that to be
your last I'm going to have agolf range is my retirement.
I want to get a piece of landthat's on the outskirts of some
city and that city will growinto my golf range and
eventually someone will buy myland for way too much money, and
then that's when I will just bedead or whatever.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Golfing is like a sunrise or sunset.
It's like you just relax in theopen and you slowly hit the
ball and then you watch it float.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
But it's an incredibly expensive hobby to
have.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Incredibly expensive.
No, it is.
You just told me, you got freeclubs.
How's that?
Speaker 1 (26:33):
expensive Because I'm not normal.
Everyone else has everything.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
No, trust me.
And then the greens fees.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
We used a coupon and we had buy one, get one free.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
I don't spend shit on my stuff.
I find things the beers werelike $9 on the holes.
I think we drank four or fiveof them.
Suckers Well, they don't drinkbeer.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
You're not supposed to eat Gatorades and shit.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
I found half my clubs going through a route or an
18-holer.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
Lost and found yeah route or uh, yeah, no yeah, in
elementary school they were onthe hole.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Someone left it.
I just fuck it.
I needed right.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
I need a wedge and, like I said before, I only use
three clubs yeah, when I, when Iused to be and I use this term
loosely but mildly- serious, I'mnot actually that good.
I thought you I thought you'regonna say gay.
There was this place called uhwillow run.
It's now called the piwakicountry club, but it's right
(27:32):
next to that big country springswater park, sure, um, we used
to go there, I feel like everycouple weeks, because after 5 pm
, 18 holes with a cart was uhlike 14 and it was wonderful.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
That's just you racing through the course now
until dark it doesn't matter ifyou're using one cart, both of
you, of your, of you and theperson in your cart have to pay
for the cart.
Yeah, it's fucked, it's thesame price.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
They won't let you walk.
They won't let you walk thecourses either.
You gotta pay for the cart.
Yeah whatever, and they makeboth of you pay, but they won't
give you two carts, becausethat's what I asked.
I'm like because we went, meand my buddy went, this shot 18
and we had to get a cart.
And he's like, yeah, I had topay for both of us for a cart.
I'm like, well, where's my cart?
(28:26):
He's like, no, they only giveyou one card I'm like well, what
?
what if we pretend like we don'tknow each other and we just
like like what do you mean?
Speaker 3 (28:35):
I, I don't want to, so there's a local radio station
in our city called Bob andBrian.
It's called the Bob and BrianOpen.
They've been doing it for 30years.
I did it with my father-in-law,my brother-in-law and then one
of the workers I work with.
Anyway, it's one of thosethings where it's a big fucking
(28:58):
deal.
It's like $200, $300 a person.
You get all this free shit.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Every single hole has like a something, something
going on like I met chrisfarley's brother I think it's
tom farley at one of thesebecause he lives in our, uh,
wisconsin.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
yeah, he lives in madison.
I don't know.
I don't know where he lives,but it's a huge deal and there's
fucking, there's newscasts,there's fuck.
They do the radio station thereand it's a huge thing.
And when I did it I was with myfather-in-law and he got wasted
(29:38):
, so we were at about the sixthhole and he is kind of hunched
over, almost falling out of thecart as I'm driving.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
By the sixth hole.
This is like an hour in noteven yeah, not even.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
And we're talking like 9.30 in the morning and at
this point I'm like, oh fuck, hecan't even hit the ball.
So basically he's just sittingin the car going from hole to
hole.
So we're at the ninth hole andhe is vomiting in the back
behind me, all over our clubs.
Great, just a stream of vomitin my uh brother-in-law's uh
(30:16):
falling behind us.
He's like hey, there'ssomething, come out of your cart
.
It's fucking weird and chunky,did you see?
Because you can't.
You can't see him because thegulf, the bags are stacked
behind.
He's like hey, there's somethingcome out of your cart.
It's fucking weird and chunky,gross, because you can't see him
, because the bags are stackedbehind the cart and you can just
see stuff spraying out of yourcart.
And it was not like water, itwas chunky, oh my gosh.
(30:37):
So I got in trouble, so I hadto take him off the entire
course, drive him somewhere else.
I drove him away from the thecourse and I wait for uh
ambulance not ambulance, butlike just to make sure he was
okay.
It wasn't because it was a warmday, you know, he could be.
They think he probably could bedehydrated or he'd stroked or
(30:59):
whatever.
And so I waited for the uhparamedics or whatever to come
and they didn't try pumping allthe fluid from your golf bags
back in them.
My god, dude, the cart wasfucking soaked.
It was so fucked so I couldn'tfinish the game.
They made a stop at ninth hole.
I told my, my brother-in-lawand the other guy I was with
(31:20):
that you could finish it.
They let them finish it.
I had to go back to theclubhouse.
At the clubhouse I stayed therewith him watching him just
drinking vodka, orange juices.
At this point no, he wasbasically just passed out.
He fell asleep on the couch.
Like there's this outside ofthe clubhouse, there's these
couches, there's like tons ofseating and just everything.
I'm like like just find a chair, sit down and fall asleep.
(31:43):
That's what he did.
So after this there's probablylike another five hours before
dinner came and I waited for my,my brother-in-law, to finish
golf came back.
I left him because he wasalready asleep.
My father-in-law, we went todinner, came back from dinner
and then all of these policewere right by the clubhouse,
(32:06):
like holding him in.
I don't know they didn't havehandcuffs, but they were holding
him ready to like put him in asquad card.
So I was like I came over there.
I'm like what's going on?
It's my father-in-law, chillout.
And this one guy that workedthere.
It was like I told you that youhave to be here and watch him,
otherwise you guys have to leave.
(32:27):
So he's yelling at me that Ididn't do that and I told hey,
hey, I paid $300 for this golfouting I'm getting my meal.
Not only that is like you golfouting, I'm getting my meal
right.
Not only that, it's like youget free shit, it's like raffles
for you know gift cards forfree stuff.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
Right, that's part of the whatever, yeah, so I had to
get that out of the way I cameback.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
I got yelled at, they kicked us out and I was never
allowed there again.
So that's the last time youwent golfing no, but that was
the last time I've ever been tothat, golf course was it
ironwood golf course?
No, I was in lake geneva, yeah,that great golf course.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
The bob and brian opening is probably.
It is insane.
But all the golf outings that'swhere it's at.
Going with your buddies isgreat, but it's such a thing
takes forever I remember.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Uh, there there's a strip club on the outside of
town.
Um what town?
It's?
On milwaukee racine border, thefuck's the name of it.
It's on 27th street.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Skin me silk I don't know Skin me Silk, I don't know
it's called On the Border.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
On the Border, gentlemen.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Okay On the Border, so they used to do a big golf
outing every year.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
Really.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And it would make the news every single year.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
People got so fucked up.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
Yeah, and because all the strippers are there like
topless.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
No, they couldn't be there topless.
No way, it's outdoors.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
You can't, so it got shut down.
This is probably like 15 yearsago.
You can't be topless outdoors.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
Come on, dude, if you're a girl, no, why Didn't
you say?
Speaker 1 (34:16):
you're a man.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
With boobs.
No, this was before anybody waswoke.
Yeah, this was before anybodywas woke.
Yeah, it was before thewokeness 10, 15 years ago.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
He's like I'm not a girl.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
They hosted it at a golf course that most of it is
along the expressway.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Yeah.
Oh sure, the big expresswaythat goes from Chicago to
Milwaukee.
See those titties in the golfcourse.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Apparently, there were just titties everywhere and
people started calling the cops.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Did you partake in this outing?
Speaker 2 (34:51):
No I wish that shit was expensive.
How?
Speaker 3 (34:54):
did you know about?
Speaker 2 (34:55):
this then, because it was on the news every year.
Every year there was somefucking issue with it.
I don't remember this year'tremember enough people what year
was this this was 10 15 yearsthey're still doing it.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
No, no, they uh, you can't do that outside.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
It's not, there's no way to stop with you can't be
naked outside you can't?
Speaker 2 (35:15):
the police broke it up in the middle of it because
so many people called the copsbecause they were driving with
their kids in the car.
It literally has to be like agame fucking golf course All
them kids were fed by a tit andnow it's like a big issue
because they're seeing one onthe freeway.
Like there's always got to besome fucking negative Nancy,
(35:36):
that just ruins everybody's fun,ruins everybody's fun.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
But no.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
I love golf and I think I got it All right.
We're doing it.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Top Shelf Stories is having a golf outing.
At least the three of us can go.
We'll get a fourth Maybe ournew tech engineer.
We need an engineer.
No, we need a marketing guy.
We need more people to listento our podcast.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
You need to tell your friends we need everything.
Chris or not, or it could bejust for us Fuck you.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
No, we need to go golf.
Outing Marketing guy can bepart of our foursome.
Sign up for the Bob and BrianOpen and take over the airwaves.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
I like it.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
All right, leave us out, we could sponsor a whole
app.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Bob and Brian's Golf Outing.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
We could you know how much that would cost Fucking
that Bob and Brian's golf?
Speaker 2 (36:22):
outing Good.
You know how much that wouldcost?
Fucking nothing.
It'd be a tax write-off Fixingyour fucking boat six times,
don't you know how taxwrite-offs work, you still have
to pay for it.
You dick yeah, but it's a taxwrite-off.
Speaker 3 (36:33):
Yeah, after you've paid for it.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
I don't think you understand how tax write-offs
work.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
We'll set a shelf out like 90 yards and if you put it
on to the top shelf, we'll giveyou a t-shirt.
I'll be like a bookshelf.
Put it on the top bookshelf,we'll give you a t-shirt.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
I mean 90 yards, you gotta give them a better fucking
prize.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
Two t-shirts.
It's twice as good.
Oh, the music All right someonelead us out.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
All right, that was our episode on golf.
Check us out wherever you getyour podcasts on the internet or
whatever.
And, yeah, hit Jay up, emailhim for a t-shirt or whatnot.
I don't know how any of thisworks.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
Thank you for listening.
See you next Tuesday.
Good night.
Know how any of this works.
Thank you for listening.
See you next tuesday, goodnight.
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CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.
Dateline NBC
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