December 2, 2025 • 25 mins
We trade jokes about hairlines and pride, then dig into size, intimidation, and what counts as a real fight. A raw story about an alley jump from a graffiti rivalry reframes how fast conflict escalates and why most fights end in seconds.
• shaving vows, hair as identity, confidence tests
• size and presence shaping social outcomes
• redefining what a real fight looks like
• the backpack jump and tagging crew codes
• adrenaline, time distortion, and quick endings
• graffiti as craft, attention, and risk
• meme bets, art validation, and friendship choices
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_05 (00:00):
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony Tony,
(00:23):
sometimes is this thing on?
SPEAKER_04 (00:25):
Yep.
I want to put my fingers in yourhair and say Good luck, don't
get stuck.
unknown (00:32):
Damn.
SPEAKER_04 (00:33):
How did you do that?
SPEAKER_02 (00:35):
With gel and a comb.
SPEAKER_04 (00:38):
But seriously, though, how did you do that?
SPEAKER_02 (00:41):
Uh perfect genetics.
Sometimes people can't do agreat barber with gel and a
comb.
No.
Show too much forehead.
I have a giant forehead and it'sdespicable.
And it gets bigger every year.
SPEAKER_04 (00:59):
I have okay.
Let me ask you this question.
I have a forehead with hairsthat grow right in the middle.
SPEAKER_02 (01:07):
Yeah, where your hairline used to be.
No, no, no.
SPEAKER_04 (01:14):
That's called remnants.
But literally, I do have weirdhairs that grow like in the
middle of my forehead.
SPEAKER_02 (01:19):
Do you have those?
No.
SPEAKER_04 (01:22):
You're just fucking perfect, don't you?
SPEAKER_02 (01:24):
I mean, no.
Kind of.
Kind of.
I'm getting a little thin in theback.
I'm getting a little the littleyarmaka.
That's called fucking shavingyour head.
SPEAKER_04 (01:34):
You shaved your head.
Your head, your hair.
You got a great head of hair,bitch.
Yep.
Bitch.
SPEAKER_02 (01:40):
And when it starts going south, I'm going bald.
SPEAKER_04 (01:43):
Every time you say that, I'm just mole on the side
of my head and all.
Wanna punch you.
I wanna punch you every time yousay that.
Why?
Because you're not gonna do it.
You're not gonna fucking shaveyour head when you have
immediately lose 16 hairs in thefront of your head.
You don't know me very good.
No, I don't.
SPEAKER_05 (02:01):
But you absolutely would take medicine to keep your
hair growing.
No, I'm not gonna.
Yeah, Chris! I wouldn't evenconsider it.
So you're gonna lose nine hairsand shave it?
SPEAKER_02 (02:13):
Maybe.
You're full of shit, man.
SPEAKER_04 (02:15):
You are so full of shit.
SPEAKER_02 (02:17):
The first time I look at it and say this doesn't
look right, it's fucking gone.
Are you trying to say that Idon't have an emotional
attachment to my hair?
I happen to have decently goodhair.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait!
SPEAKER_05 (02:32):
It is red though.
SPEAKER_02 (02:33):
Let's just feel it.
SPEAKER_04 (02:34):
Yeah, some of it.
So wait.
You being bald, like I feel likethat would make you feel
inferior.
Have you ever shaved your head?
Not at all.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, you feel like, hey, I'mlosing a little bit of hair.
Let's just shave it because nowpeople won't fuck with me
because I'm six foot one and ahalf.
(02:56):
And people are afraid of bald.
SPEAKER_02 (03:01):
You are a big fucking dude.
I'm told I'm a big dude all thetime, but I don't.
It doesn't compute in my head.
SPEAKER_05 (03:09):
You're not that much bigger than me.
You are, but not that much.
SPEAKER_02 (03:12):
I don't, it doesn't compute in my head that dogs are
way bigger than you.
SPEAKER_04 (03:16):
Dog is way bigger than you.
SPEAKER_02 (03:18):
Like when me and you are together, I feel like we're
equal in size until we walk byhim.
For real.
SPEAKER_01 (03:26):
What do you got?
SPEAKER_02 (03:30):
You know, I had I had a really good friend.
SPEAKER_05 (03:32):
You can rest your arm on his fucking head standing
next to him.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
I had a really good friend uh about 20 years ago
that I used to work with thatwas much smaller than Jay.
It was Jay when he was younger.
He was no.
His name was Jason, ironically.
We just called him Jason W.
Stop it! Stop it! But no, I Ihad a really good friend who was
(03:59):
much smaller than Jay, and Inever, I never felt like I was a
fucking inch bigger or a poundheavier than him.
And then one day we werewalking, well, we were in a
strip club, and we're walking bythe big wall of mirrors, and I
looked at us and I'm like, weare ridiculous together.
(04:20):
Like we should not be in fuckingpublic together.
I'm like, I look like yourfather, and you're six months
older than me.
SPEAKER_05 (04:28):
Why don't you have that?
That's wild.
SPEAKER_04 (04:30):
I look I look like I just gave birth to you out of my
birth control.
Like I'm literally carrying youas a baby, but you're walking is
fucking weirdly yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:41):
No, um, I like when you look at other people, do you
look at other people like wow,they're so much bigger than me?
Yeah.
For real?
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (04:52):
Of course he does.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:54):
Especially when I get really close.
SPEAKER_05 (04:55):
He's kind of laid down on the back of his neck for
looking up at everyone all daylong.
SPEAKER_02 (05:02):
It's kind of funny.
Your your brother actuallymentioned that today.
Uh, what did he say?
Uh, we were talking aboutfighting.
And uh I was talking about thefact that shorter than you.
Yeah, yeah.
I I was talking about the factthat I've never been in a real
fight.
Yeah, I've been in scuffles.
(05:24):
I I broke a cousin, a couple ofmy cousins' ribs one time.
I I also that same cousin chokedthem on consciousness.
Yeah, like there was no threatof being stabbed.
No, it's just one-sided.
Like, I don't know, maybe it wasa fight.
I don't know.
Looking back at it, you justbeat the fucking guys up.
(05:47):
I've definitely been in twofights.
SPEAKER_05 (05:49):
You just beat people up.
Let's do the example of a fight.
A fight in a fight because youwon because you're bigger than
them.
SPEAKER_04 (05:55):
A fight is someone finishes and the other one is
down on the ground gurglingbecause they're no, so like my
picking them up.
SPEAKER_05 (06:04):
You better get out of here.
The cats are gummy.
SPEAKER_02 (06:06):
No, my my right shoulder did not touch the other
person's right shoulder, andthen we walked in a circle.
I think that's how fights start.
I don't know about that.
Back in the day, yeah.
You it's like a called a pushfight.
SPEAKER_04 (06:21):
Yeah, I you keep pushing each other until someone
stops.
That happened.
Like, you stop pushing me.
You stopped pushing me.
SPEAKER_02 (06:28):
Something happened and I defended it, and that was
it.
But it wasn't a f like we didn'tstart throwing punches at each
other.
The it was the same dude twice.
I want to once I just choked himunconscious and the other I
pushed him against the wall.
I want to hear while my handswere still on him and my hand
went through three of his ribs.
I want to hear what you weretalking about with my brother.
(06:51):
Um well, I said something aboutI'd never really been in a
fight.
And he said, Well, it's probablybecause you're so big that that
that normal size people would beafraid to start shit with you.
SPEAKER_05 (07:09):
Don't you notice it when you get on a boat that it
fucking moves and then when yourkid gets on it fucking doesn't?
No.
SPEAKER_04 (07:18):
I like how that Chris brings something into the
conversation that has nothing todo with the conversation.
Well, the size.
He gets on.
No, I'm just saying your aspectof of uh reference was amazing.
SPEAKER_02 (07:33):
No, I mean, I I don't find myself having to do
things that I think like when Isee somebody that's really big
and they gotta like duck to getthrough a door.
Like, I don't have to do any ofthat shit.
That's true.
SPEAKER_05 (07:44):
That's I feel like you're not enormous.
SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
I'm six foot two, I'm about 235, 237, depending on
where I eat for lunch that day.
SPEAKER_04 (07:54):
Okay, what my brother was telling you is that
the fact that you're bigger,people are not afraid.
Okay, um intimidated.
They're not interested.
Nine calculation.
Nine of it out of ten peoplecannot fight or never been in a
fight.
And that's that's like a provenfact.
Not that I know.
(08:15):
Maybe seven out of ten.
Maybe seven out of ten.
SPEAKER_02 (08:17):
I don't fucking know.
But the fact that I believe thatmore people have not been in a
fight than in an actual fight.
And maybe maybe when I picture afight in my head, I'm picturing
like the movie version of a likeseven minutes.
SPEAKER_05 (08:32):
I was in one of those, and I remember what it
was like when I woke up the nextday, and my face would look like
I was fucking allergic to theworld.
SPEAKER_02 (08:39):
I'm I'm picturing when I think of a fight, I
picture the front lawn on themovie Step Brothers.
SPEAKER_05 (08:45):
Like no, that you're looking like a gang fight, like
nine people fighting ninedifferent people.
No, the movie Step Brothers willferrelling.
SPEAKER_04 (09:02):
Is that what you're talking about?
Kinda.
And then the good wait, wait, orthe one you're talking about
where they're fighting in thefront when they both hit each
other in the head, and the mom'sscreaming back.
SPEAKER_02 (09:14):
And uh, you know, Will Farrell screaming, he's
trying to rape me.
SPEAKER_04 (09:18):
Like he's like, I'm so number raper.
SPEAKER_02 (09:22):
You know, I I just I have a picture in my head, like
like I feel like a fight, likeyou're at a bar, and some dude's
like, Did you just fucking lookat my girl?
And I'm like, fuck you, bitch.
Yeah.
And then he pushes me, and thenI jump, I jump over two bar
stools and three women to likepunch him in his face, and then
(09:43):
somebody breaks a bottle on theedge of the bar and they're
fucking stabbing it at me, and Itake a pool stick and I hit him
right in the dick.
Wow, like this is a fight to me.
SPEAKER_05 (09:55):
If you want to get in this type of altercase, but I
don't want to.
SPEAKER_04 (09:58):
No, I think that your your your thoughts and your
like what you're thinking aboutis like not practical.
Like, not practical at all.
SPEAKER_02 (10:08):
You're telling me all these years I'm being saying
I've never been in a fight.
I've been in two legitimatefights, just not the fights I
imagined in my head.
SPEAKER_04 (10:19):
I'll tell you what about I'll tell you a fight in
whatever it is, a fight in abar, a fight on the street,
whatever it is, it's 10 secondsor less, but feels like a minute
or five, and then it's likesomeone gets hurt and then
another person runs away.
Basically, that's that's afucking fight.
If it's like the cops come.
(10:39):
Not at bars, that or that orsomeone just gives up.
Someone gives up.
Someone gives up and runs awaybecause they just like, oh, I
don't want to get hurt no more.
They run away.
SPEAKER_00 (10:48):
Or a wife interveres and is like, Dad, damn it,
Johnny, get it in the fuckingshit, just leave it alone.
SPEAKER_04 (10:56):
Fights are so brief, like unbelievably brief, that
you can't even comprehend it.
SPEAKER_05 (11:03):
Like if you're a boxing match, it's probably a
three-minute round, two-minuteround, five rounds at two
minutes.
Like it's a 10-minute fight withbreaks, dude.
Like, you can't fight for thatlong in real life.
SPEAKER_04 (11:15):
You try to describe a fight, and it feels like
you're describing a wholemarathon of like Spartans
killing each other.
But literally, it's like twoseconds of you punching someone
and like, oh, I don't like that,and then another guy running
away.
SPEAKER_05 (11:31):
Yeah.
Pretty much.
That's a fight.
SPEAKER_04 (11:33):
That's a fight.
SPEAKER_05 (11:35):
Or some girl gets in the middle of it and is like,
yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (11:37):
Yeah, yeah, or a girl gets in the middle of it.
Or someone really gets reallyhurt, and then every the fucking
guy that hurt really hurt you.
SPEAKER_02 (11:44):
It feels bad.
All right, man, time out.
Timeout.
All right, time out.
Sorry, man.
Regain.
No, uh okay.
I think it would be more fair tosay that I've been in fights,
but I've never been punched.
SPEAKER_04 (12:01):
Okay, so people wait a minute.
SPEAKER_02 (12:03):
That's not true either.
I got jumped one time in analley.
And I got punched a lot oftimes.
Well, did they punch you overthe body?
Or was it the head?
Yeah, because the head makes usI got hit in the head.
I got I'm pretty sure I got hitin the foot.
Okay, so I think these threedudes just laid out everything
they had on me.
They each took a section andjust went to town for like two
(12:27):
seconds.
SPEAKER_04 (12:27):
There's different parts of your body that makes a
huge difference in how much painor a debility.
Dility?
SPEAKER_02 (12:36):
Well, there you have there was padding.
Uh they put a backpack over myhead while they beat the shit
out of me.
Wild.
SPEAKER_05 (12:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (12:44):
I'm talking about like kidney shots.
SPEAKER_02 (12:48):
No, I knew who they were.
They walked up to me.
They put a fucking backpack overmy head.
What do they want from you?
Nothing.
SPEAKER_04 (12:59):
So they like this guy looks a little too
suspicious.
I don't like him.
No.
Let's beat the fucking I knewthem.
Fuck out of him.
Wait, what?
I knew them.
SPEAKER_02 (13:08):
Now start over, because this story's getting too
compelling.
Alright.
So early in high school, likefreshman year-ish, I I was
involved in normal streetgraffiti.
(13:29):
Just like everybody.
SPEAKER_05 (13:31):
Fucking graffiti.
SPEAKER_02 (13:32):
You hey Tony, you are a good artist.
And I was I was a part of acrew.
You are a great artist.
I've seen your work.
And a rivaling crew.
Who just a year before when weweren't in these crews, we were
friends, but now we're swornenemies.
So when they see my crews tags,they put an X through it and
(13:54):
they write their crew's namenext to it.
Makes sense.
And one of them fucking 80s.
One of them wasn't actually inthat crew, but he hung out with
them.
But he also hung out with us.
That's trouble.
And I seen him and he saidwhat's up to me.
(14:17):
I said what's up back.
And then they started walking upto me, and I I knew right away
this is trouble.
And it was right behind mygarage.
So I was almost on my property.
I could have jet for the door,but instead I just stood there
by myself, and they put abackpack over my head and beat
(14:41):
the shit out of me.
SPEAKER_04 (14:42):
I'm sorry, I'm not laughing.
SPEAKER_02 (14:44):
For a brief amount of time, it was fine.
Pretty ridiculous.
So sorry.
So the and there was there wasno like real gang behind this,
but we were all just taggingcrews.
And my best friend, whose houseI was walking from home, um, he
(15:05):
he was my best friend, and hewas a DJ.
And the rest of my tagging crew,my friend who's a DJ, and then
all his I I I don't know whatyou want to call them, but kind
of gangbanger friends werehanging out in his as some would
(15:28):
say, beat laboratory.
That he had a big studio in hisattic where we all sat around in
high school and got drunk andsmoked cigarettes and uh, you
know, tried to bring girls over.
That never worked, at least forme.
I mean, I'm sure somebody gotlaid up there, but I was the fat
(15:48):
kid.
Like I wasn't getting any pussy.
But uh I ran instead of runningback home and putting ice on my
fucking face, I run back to mybuddy's house, and then they
fucking just cockroached thewhole neighborhood.
They just fucking spread out togo find these guys.
And uh I don't know whateverhappened.
(16:12):
I don't know if they got caught.
I didn't go back over to myfriend's house to find out the
end results of the fucking fightdeal, but uh those guys never
fucked with me anymore.
You just got hopped once and didall yeah, I don't know that was
that.
I don't know if they were if theif this was like an experimental
(16:32):
jumping to see if they likejumping people and I was an easy
target because I was a slow fatkid.
Did you have anything of valuewith you that they took?
No.
SPEAKER_04 (16:42):
Did they grab your titties when they're beating
your ass?
They I did get a couple tittytwisters.
Maybe they kind of like hadsexual deviant problems that
they wanted to declare.
SPEAKER_02 (16:56):
I don't know.
Maybe that's why they put thebag over my head.
Maybe I was a double bagger.
Oh, maybe maybe you just open myeyes to the fact that I might
have been they might have beentrying to rape me.
You almost been raped.
Fuck.
That's okay.
Now, if I ever see Matt Breed inthe street, I'm gonna ask him,
(17:17):
Did you try raping me that day?
Is that what that was?
SPEAKER_05 (17:20):
No, they probably had to because you like tagged
over their shit, and they'relike, let's go get that fucker,
and that one guy who you thoughtwas your friend wasn't.
SPEAKER_02 (17:27):
Well, there's a very good possibility I might have
tagged over his shit.
Yeah, that'll do it.
And sometimes they don't likethat.
SPEAKER_05 (17:35):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:36):
Fucking gang gang violence.
So now now looking back on andwhat I was involved in, it
sounds, I mean, kind of like Ihad it coming.
SPEAKER_04 (17:47):
Yep.
So basically, you were wearingsomething tight, your titties
are showing, and he hassomething coming.
SPEAKER_02 (17:54):
Bro, this is 1994.
94.
I'm listening to exclusivelyWu-Tang clan TLC wearing Jenkos.
Solid.
Because you can fit spray cansin your socks.
SPEAKER_04 (18:13):
And then we're in your good spot, your favorite
college uh football teamsjacket.
SPEAKER_02 (18:21):
No, no, I'm wearing a black hoodie because I love
Wolverine that has my taggingcrew's name on across the back.
That doesn't seem like a verygood idea.
In white old English letters.
SPEAKER_04 (18:35):
All right, so you're you're you're fat, you can't
run.
You wear it.
SPEAKER_05 (18:38):
White old English letters, so no one can do it.
SPEAKER_02 (18:40):
I mean, I was I wasn't wearing gang signs.
What the fuck?
I wasn't that fat.
I was exactly the same white Iam now.
You what do you think's gonnahappen to you?
SPEAKER_04 (18:50):
You can't run fast.
SPEAKER_02 (18:52):
You wearing fucking gang signs on your jacket.
And Matt Breed was tall andthin.
That guy could run like thewind.
So explain to me what yourthought was.
I'm about to get fucked up.
SPEAKER_05 (19:03):
So let me ask you, when you got jumped, did you
fight back?
No.
No.
SPEAKER_02 (19:07):
I had a bag over my head, bro.
You kind of lose, you kind oflose your sense of where you
are.
Wait, is this?
I might I might have threw someair swings.
I don't know.
Wait, is this a pick and savebag or is this a Walmart bag?
I can't get out of it.
And and the funny thing is, is II can remember the smell of the
(19:30):
backpack.
To this day?
Yeah.
Was it a jazz sport?
More than likely.
SPEAKER_05 (19:38):
Probably smelled like I grew up in a pretty poor
neighborhood.
SPEAKER_02 (19:42):
Yeah, it smelled like shitty weed and spray
paint.
Well, I can do that for youright now in the bag and then
make you feel that traumatizingevent again.
I'm about to be 44 and I stillfucking love spray painting.
Wow, you're old.
Yeah, you you're good at it.
SPEAKER_04 (20:02):
I love it, too.
Oh, yeah, Tony.
Hey, any artist I've ever met inmy life, you are the best one.
Stop it.
Seriously, though.
I bet a couple uh another one,he is Oriental.
Very amazing.
Been to jail.
SPEAKER_05 (20:17):
I can if you can find a wall and you can and I'll
show you this pork stuff and youpaint pork thing, I can get
15,000 eyes on your shit.
What's the pork?
I asked to see the pork thing.
It's the pink Pepe.
SPEAKER_04 (20:30):
Why can't you do 15,000 eyes on our podcast?
SPEAKER_05 (20:34):
Because it's not pork.
SPEAKER_04 (20:36):
Well, let's make it pork.
SPEAKER_05 (20:38):
That's the fucking crypto.
SPEAKER_04 (20:43):
How about this?
You bring your friend in that isfrom a different country that
wants me to eat a fucking headthat's a pork, and I'll do it
because I lost.
You do have to still do that.
Yeah, then maybe tell him tobring it in.
SPEAKER_05 (20:55):
He's gotta do Tony's hair first before he does it.
SPEAKER_02 (20:58):
Well, he's gotta do my furnace.
Yeah.
Alright, fine.
Furnace, then pork head.
Don't you fucking dare say a badword about douche call.
I don't know who he is.
SPEAKER_05 (21:09):
That's the pork.
I don't know who he is.
He's a Pepe pink with a fork.
SPEAKER_02 (21:22):
Tony will not describe it, Tony.
It looks like it looks like whatI imagine every pussy in a
retirement home looks like.
It's pretty rough.
Is it smiling at you?
This is hold on a minute here.
Nearly all of my net worth is inthat meme.
SPEAKER_01 (21:43):
Hold on.
SPEAKER_02 (21:45):
You invested real money.
Nearly all my net worth is inthat meme.
And there's something with thisgraphic.
Let me see it again.
SPEAKER_04 (21:54):
Oh my god, I can't get up.
SPEAKER_05 (21:56):
Yeah, Jay's over here laying on the couch.
Like he's he forgot that Tonytold us that he has sex on that
couch all the time.
SPEAKER_04 (22:04):
That looks like a weird vagina.
SPEAKER_05 (22:06):
Got him.
SPEAKER_02 (22:09):
Dude, this is so fucked.
SPEAKER_05 (22:11):
No, but for real, you're you're your painting,
your art in general, yourgraffiti styling.
It's good stuff.
I do like it.
I'll tell you what though.
SPEAKER_02 (22:19):
I mean, I do Tony.
So I have about 30 cans ofgraffiti spray paint in back,
and I have a sheet of plywoodthat I painted black for
specific graffiti reasons.
We can go back and drop thatbomb right now.
SPEAKER_04 (22:35):
Listen to me though.
I think I have Tony.
Listen to me right now.
What is that gonna prove?
SPEAKER_02 (22:44):
Well, it's gonna make me happy.
Why is it gonna make you happy?
And since I didn't get to go tothe casino tonight, I might as
well might as well do something.
You could have went two hoursago.
I am an adult.
I can make my own decisions.
Yeah, but why did you not?
Jay wanted it.
I chose you.
SPEAKER_04 (23:05):
Didn't that make you feel good?
It sounds like a movie.
I know.
Didn't that make you feel goodthough?
Yeah.
Sometimes like I like you, andsometimes I hate you.
You're like but now I kind oflike you.
He fucking chose me.
Yeah.
Right right now I like you, butlike 67 almost immediately.
Don't like you.
(23:26):
I don't want to hurt you.
SPEAKER_02 (23:28):
But you're bigger than me.
See, the thing is, is I wouldn'teven fight back.
So you might as well you mightas well go get an empty
backpack, toss that bitch overmy eyes, and go to work.
SPEAKER_04 (23:45):
Tony's got like carpet scalore here.
So I have to do it.
SPEAKER_02 (23:49):
I'm laying out the path to victory and you're
laughing.
All I have to do could bewinning right now.
SPEAKER_04 (23:54):
All I have to do is find a carpet, put it over his
head, start punching him in thekidney.
SPEAKER_02 (24:00):
Yeah.
Give me a good old-fashionedblanket party.
SPEAKER_04 (24:08):
So here's the thing.
What the fuck did what was thatwhat what what this episode?
What was it about?
I don't know.
SPEAKER_02 (24:16):
You started it.
Did I?
Talking about uh I don't know.
Where did it start?
Tony got jumped.
Tony got jumped.
SPEAKER_04 (24:24):
I don't think that that wasn't the way I started it
though.
Probably not.
But do you ever hear thosepolitics stories that about uh
Ka Kahama, Kalama?
What's her name?
Kalama.
Um, and then there's a Trumppresidential debate where hold
on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
SPEAKER_02 (24:45):
Edit out before that sentence.
Okay, I'll do it.
And just end this one.
Okay, I'll end it.
All right.
SPEAKER_04 (25:02):
Once led a camel to water.
That camel would not drink.
It might have been the water.
It might have been the camel.
No one knows.
And no one cares.
SPEAKER_03 (25:29):
Yeah, motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker.
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony Tony,
(00:23):
sometimes is this thing on?
SPEAKER_04 (00:25):
Yep.
I want to put my fingers in yourhair and say Good luck, don't
get stuck.
unknown (00:32):
Damn.
SPEAKER_04 (00:33):
How did you do that?
SPEAKER_02 (00:35):
With gel and a comb.
SPEAKER_04 (00:38):
But seriously, though, how did you do that?
SPEAKER_02 (00:41):
Uh perfect genetics.
Sometimes people can't do agreat barber with gel and a
comb.
No.
Show too much forehead.
I have a giant forehead and it'sdespicable.
And it gets bigger every year.
SPEAKER_04 (00:59):
I have okay.
Let me ask you this question.
I have a forehead with hairsthat grow right in the middle.
SPEAKER_02 (01:07):
Yeah, where your hairline used to be.
No, no, no.
SPEAKER_04 (01:14):
That's called remnants.
But literally, I do have weirdhairs that grow like in the
middle of my forehead.
SPEAKER_02 (01:19):
Do you have those?
No.
SPEAKER_04 (01:22):
You're just fucking perfect, don't you?
SPEAKER_02 (01:24):
I mean, no.
Kind of.
Kind of.
I'm getting a little thin in theback.
I'm getting a little the littleyarmaka.
That's called fucking shavingyour head.
SPEAKER_04 (01:34):
You shaved your head.
Your head, your hair.
You got a great head of hair,bitch.
Yep.
Bitch.
SPEAKER_02 (01:40):
And when it starts going south, I'm going bald.
SPEAKER_04 (01:43):
Every time you say that, I'm just mole on the side
of my head and all.
Wanna punch you.
I wanna punch you every time yousay that.
Why?
Because you're not gonna do it.
You're not gonna fucking shaveyour head when you have
immediately lose 16 hairs in thefront of your head.
You don't know me very good.
No, I don't.
SPEAKER_05 (02:01):
But you absolutely would take medicine to keep your
hair growing.
No, I'm not gonna.
Yeah, Chris! I wouldn't evenconsider it.
So you're gonna lose nine hairsand shave it?
SPEAKER_02 (02:13):
Maybe.
You're full of shit, man.
SPEAKER_04 (02:15):
You are so full of shit.
SPEAKER_02 (02:17):
The first time I look at it and say this doesn't
look right, it's fucking gone.
Are you trying to say that Idon't have an emotional
attachment to my hair?
I happen to have decently goodhair.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait!
SPEAKER_05 (02:32):
It is red though.
SPEAKER_02 (02:33):
Let's just feel it.
SPEAKER_04 (02:34):
Yeah, some of it.
So wait.
You being bald, like I feel likethat would make you feel
inferior.
Have you ever shaved your head?
Not at all.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, you feel like, hey, I'mlosing a little bit of hair.
Let's just shave it because nowpeople won't fuck with me
because I'm six foot one and ahalf.
(02:56):
And people are afraid of bald.
SPEAKER_02 (03:01):
You are a big fucking dude.
I'm told I'm a big dude all thetime, but I don't.
It doesn't compute in my head.
SPEAKER_05 (03:09):
You're not that much bigger than me.
You are, but not that much.
SPEAKER_02 (03:12):
I don't, it doesn't compute in my head that dogs are
way bigger than you.
SPEAKER_04 (03:16):
Dog is way bigger than you.
SPEAKER_02 (03:18):
Like when me and you are together, I feel like we're
equal in size until we walk byhim.
For real.
SPEAKER_01 (03:26):
What do you got?
SPEAKER_02 (03:30):
You know, I had I had a really good friend.
SPEAKER_05 (03:32):
You can rest your arm on his fucking head standing
next to him.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
I had a really good friend uh about 20 years ago
that I used to work with thatwas much smaller than Jay.
It was Jay when he was younger.
He was no.
His name was Jason, ironically.
We just called him Jason W.
Stop it! Stop it! But no, I Ihad a really good friend who was
(03:59):
much smaller than Jay, and Inever, I never felt like I was a
fucking inch bigger or a poundheavier than him.
And then one day we werewalking, well, we were in a
strip club, and we're walking bythe big wall of mirrors, and I
looked at us and I'm like, weare ridiculous together.
(04:20):
Like we should not be in fuckingpublic together.
I'm like, I look like yourfather, and you're six months
older than me.
SPEAKER_05 (04:28):
Why don't you have that?
That's wild.
SPEAKER_04 (04:30):
I look I look like I just gave birth to you out of my
birth control.
Like I'm literally carrying youas a baby, but you're walking is
fucking weirdly yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:41):
No, um, I like when you look at other people, do you
look at other people like wow,they're so much bigger than me?
Yeah.
For real?
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (04:52):
Of course he does.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:54):
Especially when I get really close.
SPEAKER_05 (04:55):
He's kind of laid down on the back of his neck for
looking up at everyone all daylong.
SPEAKER_02 (05:02):
It's kind of funny.
Your your brother actuallymentioned that today.
Uh, what did he say?
Uh, we were talking aboutfighting.
And uh I was talking about thefact that shorter than you.
Yeah, yeah.
I I was talking about the factthat I've never been in a real
fight.
Yeah, I've been in scuffles.
(05:24):
I I broke a cousin, a couple ofmy cousins' ribs one time.
I I also that same cousin chokedthem on consciousness.
Yeah, like there was no threatof being stabbed.
No, it's just one-sided.
Like, I don't know, maybe it wasa fight.
I don't know.
Looking back at it, you justbeat the fucking guys up.
(05:47):
I've definitely been in twofights.
SPEAKER_05 (05:49):
You just beat people up.
Let's do the example of a fight.
A fight in a fight because youwon because you're bigger than
them.
SPEAKER_04 (05:55):
A fight is someone finishes and the other one is
down on the ground gurglingbecause they're no, so like my
picking them up.
SPEAKER_05 (06:04):
You better get out of here.
The cats are gummy.
SPEAKER_02 (06:06):
No, my my right shoulder did not touch the other
person's right shoulder, andthen we walked in a circle.
I think that's how fights start.
I don't know about that.
Back in the day, yeah.
You it's like a called a pushfight.
SPEAKER_04 (06:21):
Yeah, I you keep pushing each other until someone
stops.
That happened.
Like, you stop pushing me.
You stopped pushing me.
SPEAKER_02 (06:28):
Something happened and I defended it, and that was
it.
But it wasn't a f like we didn'tstart throwing punches at each
other.
The it was the same dude twice.
I want to once I just choked himunconscious and the other I
pushed him against the wall.
I want to hear while my handswere still on him and my hand
went through three of his ribs.
I want to hear what you weretalking about with my brother.
(06:51):
Um well, I said something aboutI'd never really been in a
fight.
And he said, Well, it's probablybecause you're so big that that
that normal size people would beafraid to start shit with you.
SPEAKER_05 (07:09):
Don't you notice it when you get on a boat that it
fucking moves and then when yourkid gets on it fucking doesn't?
No.
SPEAKER_04 (07:18):
I like how that Chris brings something into the
conversation that has nothing todo with the conversation.
Well, the size.
He gets on.
No, I'm just saying your aspectof of uh reference was amazing.
SPEAKER_02 (07:33):
No, I mean, I I don't find myself having to do
things that I think like when Isee somebody that's really big
and they gotta like duck to getthrough a door.
Like, I don't have to do any ofthat shit.
That's true.
SPEAKER_05 (07:44):
That's I feel like you're not enormous.
SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
I'm six foot two, I'm about 235, 237, depending on
where I eat for lunch that day.
SPEAKER_04 (07:54):
Okay, what my brother was telling you is that
the fact that you're bigger,people are not afraid.
Okay, um intimidated.
They're not interested.
Nine calculation.
Nine of it out of ten peoplecannot fight or never been in a
fight.
And that's that's like a provenfact.
Not that I know.
(08:15):
Maybe seven out of ten.
Maybe seven out of ten.
SPEAKER_02 (08:17):
I don't fucking know.
But the fact that I believe thatmore people have not been in a
fight than in an actual fight.
And maybe maybe when I picture afight in my head, I'm picturing
like the movie version of a likeseven minutes.
SPEAKER_05 (08:32):
I was in one of those, and I remember what it
was like when I woke up the nextday, and my face would look like
I was fucking allergic to theworld.
SPEAKER_02 (08:39):
I'm I'm picturing when I think of a fight, I
picture the front lawn on themovie Step Brothers.
SPEAKER_05 (08:45):
Like no, that you're looking like a gang fight, like
nine people fighting ninedifferent people.
No, the movie Step Brothers willferrelling.
SPEAKER_04 (09:02):
Is that what you're talking about?
Kinda.
And then the good wait, wait, orthe one you're talking about
where they're fighting in thefront when they both hit each
other in the head, and the mom'sscreaming back.
SPEAKER_02 (09:14):
And uh, you know, Will Farrell screaming, he's
trying to rape me.
SPEAKER_04 (09:18):
Like he's like, I'm so number raper.
SPEAKER_02 (09:22):
You know, I I just I have a picture in my head, like
like I feel like a fight, likeyou're at a bar, and some dude's
like, Did you just fucking lookat my girl?
And I'm like, fuck you, bitch.
Yeah.
And then he pushes me, and thenI jump, I jump over two bar
stools and three women to likepunch him in his face, and then
(09:43):
somebody breaks a bottle on theedge of the bar and they're
fucking stabbing it at me, and Itake a pool stick and I hit him
right in the dick.
Wow, like this is a fight to me.
SPEAKER_05 (09:55):
If you want to get in this type of altercase, but I
don't want to.
SPEAKER_04 (09:58):
No, I think that your your your thoughts and your
like what you're thinking aboutis like not practical.
Like, not practical at all.
SPEAKER_02 (10:08):
You're telling me all these years I'm being saying
I've never been in a fight.
I've been in two legitimatefights, just not the fights I
imagined in my head.
SPEAKER_04 (10:19):
I'll tell you what about I'll tell you a fight in
whatever it is, a fight in abar, a fight on the street,
whatever it is, it's 10 secondsor less, but feels like a minute
or five, and then it's likesomeone gets hurt and then
another person runs away.
Basically, that's that's afucking fight.
If it's like the cops come.
(10:39):
Not at bars, that or that orsomeone just gives up.
Someone gives up.
Someone gives up and runs awaybecause they just like, oh, I
don't want to get hurt no more.
They run away.
SPEAKER_00 (10:48):
Or a wife interveres and is like, Dad, damn it,
Johnny, get it in the fuckingshit, just leave it alone.
SPEAKER_04 (10:56):
Fights are so brief, like unbelievably brief, that
you can't even comprehend it.
SPEAKER_05 (11:03):
Like if you're a boxing match, it's probably a
three-minute round, two-minuteround, five rounds at two
minutes.
Like it's a 10-minute fight withbreaks, dude.
Like, you can't fight for thatlong in real life.
SPEAKER_04 (11:15):
You try to describe a fight, and it feels like
you're describing a wholemarathon of like Spartans
killing each other.
But literally, it's like twoseconds of you punching someone
and like, oh, I don't like that,and then another guy running
away.
SPEAKER_05 (11:31):
Yeah.
Pretty much.
That's a fight.
SPEAKER_04 (11:33):
That's a fight.
SPEAKER_05 (11:35):
Or some girl gets in the middle of it and is like,
yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (11:37):
Yeah, yeah, or a girl gets in the middle of it.
Or someone really gets reallyhurt, and then every the fucking
guy that hurt really hurt you.
SPEAKER_02 (11:44):
It feels bad.
All right, man, time out.
Timeout.
All right, time out.
Sorry, man.
Regain.
No, uh okay.
I think it would be more fair tosay that I've been in fights,
but I've never been punched.
SPEAKER_04 (12:01):
Okay, so people wait a minute.
SPEAKER_02 (12:03):
That's not true either.
I got jumped one time in analley.
And I got punched a lot oftimes.
Well, did they punch you overthe body?
Or was it the head?
Yeah, because the head makes usI got hit in the head.
I got I'm pretty sure I got hitin the foot.
Okay, so I think these threedudes just laid out everything
they had on me.
They each took a section andjust went to town for like two
(12:27):
seconds.
SPEAKER_04 (12:27):
There's different parts of your body that makes a
huge difference in how much painor a debility.
Dility?
SPEAKER_02 (12:36):
Well, there you have there was padding.
Uh they put a backpack over myhead while they beat the shit
out of me.
Wild.
SPEAKER_05 (12:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (12:44):
I'm talking about like kidney shots.
SPEAKER_02 (12:48):
No, I knew who they were.
They walked up to me.
They put a fucking backpack overmy head.
What do they want from you?
Nothing.
SPEAKER_04 (12:59):
So they like this guy looks a little too
suspicious.
I don't like him.
No.
Let's beat the fucking I knewthem.
Fuck out of him.
Wait, what?
I knew them.
SPEAKER_02 (13:08):
Now start over, because this story's getting too
compelling.
Alright.
So early in high school, likefreshman year-ish, I I was
involved in normal streetgraffiti.
(13:29):
Just like everybody.
SPEAKER_05 (13:31):
Fucking graffiti.
SPEAKER_02 (13:32):
You hey Tony, you are a good artist.
And I was I was a part of acrew.
You are a great artist.
I've seen your work.
And a rivaling crew.
Who just a year before when weweren't in these crews, we were
friends, but now we're swornenemies.
So when they see my crews tags,they put an X through it and
(13:54):
they write their crew's namenext to it.
Makes sense.
And one of them fucking 80s.
One of them wasn't actually inthat crew, but he hung out with
them.
But he also hung out with us.
That's trouble.
And I seen him and he saidwhat's up to me.
(14:17):
I said what's up back.
And then they started walking upto me, and I I knew right away
this is trouble.
And it was right behind mygarage.
So I was almost on my property.
I could have jet for the door,but instead I just stood there
by myself, and they put abackpack over my head and beat
(14:41):
the shit out of me.
SPEAKER_04 (14:42):
I'm sorry, I'm not laughing.
SPEAKER_02 (14:44):
For a brief amount of time, it was fine.
Pretty ridiculous.
So sorry.
So the and there was there wasno like real gang behind this,
but we were all just taggingcrews.
And my best friend, whose houseI was walking from home, um, he
(15:05):
he was my best friend, and hewas a DJ.
And the rest of my tagging crew,my friend who's a DJ, and then
all his I I I don't know whatyou want to call them, but kind
of gangbanger friends werehanging out in his as some would
(15:28):
say, beat laboratory.
That he had a big studio in hisattic where we all sat around in
high school and got drunk andsmoked cigarettes and uh, you
know, tried to bring girls over.
That never worked, at least forme.
I mean, I'm sure somebody gotlaid up there, but I was the fat
(15:48):
kid.
Like I wasn't getting any pussy.
But uh I ran instead of runningback home and putting ice on my
fucking face, I run back to mybuddy's house, and then they
fucking just cockroached thewhole neighborhood.
They just fucking spread out togo find these guys.
And uh I don't know whateverhappened.
(16:12):
I don't know if they got caught.
I didn't go back over to myfriend's house to find out the
end results of the fucking fightdeal, but uh those guys never
fucked with me anymore.
You just got hopped once and didall yeah, I don't know that was
that.
I don't know if they were if theif this was like an experimental
(16:32):
jumping to see if they likejumping people and I was an easy
target because I was a slow fatkid.
Did you have anything of valuewith you that they took?
No.
SPEAKER_04 (16:42):
Did they grab your titties when they're beating
your ass?
They I did get a couple tittytwisters.
Maybe they kind of like hadsexual deviant problems that
they wanted to declare.
SPEAKER_02 (16:56):
I don't know.
Maybe that's why they put thebag over my head.
Maybe I was a double bagger.
Oh, maybe maybe you just open myeyes to the fact that I might
have been they might have beentrying to rape me.
You almost been raped.
Fuck.
That's okay.
Now, if I ever see Matt Breed inthe street, I'm gonna ask him,
(17:17):
Did you try raping me that day?
Is that what that was?
SPEAKER_05 (17:20):
No, they probably had to because you like tagged
over their shit, and they'relike, let's go get that fucker,
and that one guy who you thoughtwas your friend wasn't.
SPEAKER_02 (17:27):
Well, there's a very good possibility I might have
tagged over his shit.
Yeah, that'll do it.
And sometimes they don't likethat.
SPEAKER_05 (17:35):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:36):
Fucking gang gang violence.
So now now looking back on andwhat I was involved in, it
sounds, I mean, kind of like Ihad it coming.
SPEAKER_04 (17:47):
Yep.
So basically, you were wearingsomething tight, your titties
are showing, and he hassomething coming.
SPEAKER_02 (17:54):
Bro, this is 1994.
94.
I'm listening to exclusivelyWu-Tang clan TLC wearing Jenkos.
Solid.
Because you can fit spray cansin your socks.
SPEAKER_04 (18:13):
And then we're in your good spot, your favorite
college uh football teamsjacket.
SPEAKER_02 (18:21):
No, no, I'm wearing a black hoodie because I love
Wolverine that has my taggingcrew's name on across the back.
That doesn't seem like a verygood idea.
In white old English letters.
SPEAKER_04 (18:35):
All right, so you're you're you're fat, you can't
run.
You wear it.
SPEAKER_05 (18:38):
White old English letters, so no one can do it.
SPEAKER_02 (18:40):
I mean, I was I wasn't wearing gang signs.
What the fuck?
I wasn't that fat.
I was exactly the same white Iam now.
You what do you think's gonnahappen to you?
SPEAKER_04 (18:50):
You can't run fast.
SPEAKER_02 (18:52):
You wearing fucking gang signs on your jacket.
And Matt Breed was tall andthin.
That guy could run like thewind.
So explain to me what yourthought was.
I'm about to get fucked up.
SPEAKER_05 (19:03):
So let me ask you, when you got jumped, did you
fight back?
No.
No.
SPEAKER_02 (19:07):
I had a bag over my head, bro.
You kind of lose, you kind oflose your sense of where you
are.
Wait, is this?
I might I might have threw someair swings.
I don't know.
Wait, is this a pick and savebag or is this a Walmart bag?
I can't get out of it.
And and the funny thing is, is II can remember the smell of the
(19:30):
backpack.
To this day?
Yeah.
Was it a jazz sport?
More than likely.
SPEAKER_05 (19:38):
Probably smelled like I grew up in a pretty poor
neighborhood.
SPEAKER_02 (19:42):
Yeah, it smelled like shitty weed and spray
paint.
Well, I can do that for youright now in the bag and then
make you feel that traumatizingevent again.
I'm about to be 44 and I stillfucking love spray painting.
Wow, you're old.
Yeah, you you're good at it.
SPEAKER_04 (20:02):
I love it, too.
Oh, yeah, Tony.
Hey, any artist I've ever met inmy life, you are the best one.
Stop it.
Seriously, though.
I bet a couple uh another one,he is Oriental.
Very amazing.
Been to jail.
SPEAKER_05 (20:17):
I can if you can find a wall and you can and I'll
show you this pork stuff and youpaint pork thing, I can get
15,000 eyes on your shit.
What's the pork?
I asked to see the pork thing.
It's the pink Pepe.
SPEAKER_04 (20:30):
Why can't you do 15,000 eyes on our podcast?
SPEAKER_05 (20:34):
Because it's not pork.
SPEAKER_04 (20:36):
Well, let's make it pork.
SPEAKER_05 (20:38):
That's the fucking crypto.
SPEAKER_04 (20:43):
How about this?
You bring your friend in that isfrom a different country that
wants me to eat a fucking headthat's a pork, and I'll do it
because I lost.
You do have to still do that.
Yeah, then maybe tell him tobring it in.
SPEAKER_05 (20:55):
He's gotta do Tony's hair first before he does it.
SPEAKER_02 (20:58):
Well, he's gotta do my furnace.
Yeah.
Alright, fine.
Furnace, then pork head.
Don't you fucking dare say a badword about douche call.
I don't know who he is.
SPEAKER_05 (21:09):
That's the pork.
I don't know who he is.
He's a Pepe pink with a fork.
SPEAKER_02 (21:22):
Tony will not describe it, Tony.
It looks like it looks like whatI imagine every pussy in a
retirement home looks like.
It's pretty rough.
Is it smiling at you?
This is hold on a minute here.
Nearly all of my net worth is inthat meme.
SPEAKER_01 (21:43):
Hold on.
SPEAKER_02 (21:45):
You invested real money.
Nearly all my net worth is inthat meme.
And there's something with thisgraphic.
Let me see it again.
SPEAKER_04 (21:54):
Oh my god, I can't get up.
SPEAKER_05 (21:56):
Yeah, Jay's over here laying on the couch.
Like he's he forgot that Tonytold us that he has sex on that
couch all the time.
SPEAKER_04 (22:04):
That looks like a weird vagina.
SPEAKER_05 (22:06):
Got him.
SPEAKER_02 (22:09):
Dude, this is so fucked.
SPEAKER_05 (22:11):
No, but for real, you're you're your painting,
your art in general, yourgraffiti styling.
It's good stuff.
I do like it.
I'll tell you what though.
SPEAKER_02 (22:19):
I mean, I do Tony.
So I have about 30 cans ofgraffiti spray paint in back,
and I have a sheet of plywoodthat I painted black for
specific graffiti reasons.
We can go back and drop thatbomb right now.
SPEAKER_04 (22:35):
Listen to me though.
I think I have Tony.
Listen to me right now.
What is that gonna prove?
SPEAKER_02 (22:44):
Well, it's gonna make me happy.
Why is it gonna make you happy?
And since I didn't get to go tothe casino tonight, I might as
well might as well do something.
You could have went two hoursago.
I am an adult.
I can make my own decisions.
Yeah, but why did you not?
Jay wanted it.
I chose you.
SPEAKER_04 (23:05):
Didn't that make you feel good?
It sounds like a movie.
I know.
Didn't that make you feel goodthough?
Yeah.
Sometimes like I like you, andsometimes I hate you.
You're like but now I kind oflike you.
He fucking chose me.
Yeah.
Right right now I like you, butlike 67 almost immediately.
Don't like you.
(23:26):
I don't want to hurt you.
SPEAKER_02 (23:28):
But you're bigger than me.
See, the thing is, is I wouldn'teven fight back.
So you might as well you mightas well go get an empty
backpack, toss that bitch overmy eyes, and go to work.
SPEAKER_04 (23:45):
Tony's got like carpet scalore here.
So I have to do it.
SPEAKER_02 (23:49):
I'm laying out the path to victory and you're
laughing.
All I have to do could bewinning right now.
SPEAKER_04 (23:54):
All I have to do is find a carpet, put it over his
head, start punching him in thekidney.
SPEAKER_02 (24:00):
Yeah.
Give me a good old-fashionedblanket party.
SPEAKER_04 (24:08):
So here's the thing.
What the fuck did what was thatwhat what what this episode?
What was it about?
I don't know.
SPEAKER_02 (24:16):
You started it.
Did I?
Talking about uh I don't know.
Where did it start?
Tony got jumped.
Tony got jumped.
SPEAKER_04 (24:24):
I don't think that that wasn't the way I started it
though.
Probably not.
But do you ever hear thosepolitics stories that about uh
Ka Kahama, Kalama?
What's her name?
Kalama.
Um, and then there's a Trumppresidential debate where hold
on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
SPEAKER_02 (24:45):
Edit out before that sentence.
Okay, I'll do it.
And just end this one.
Okay, I'll end it.
All right.
SPEAKER_04 (25:02):
Once led a camel to water.
That camel would not drink.
It might have been the water.
It might have been the camel.
No one knows.
And no one cares.
SPEAKER_03 (25:29):
Yeah, motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker.
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