March 11, 2025 • 34 mins
From a bizarre roadside encounter to the aftermath of an unfortunate accident, we explore themes of guilt, responsibility, and humor in the face of tragedy. The reflections post-incident lead to laughter and philosophical ponderings we hope resonate with you.
• Introduction of the recording environment and lightheartedness
• A fateful drive home becomes a tale of unexpected consequences
• The emotional unraveling after the animal encounter
• Reflections on personal responsibility and pet ownership
• Exploration of humor amidst challenges and moral dilemmas
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
What's up, guys?
I don't know, but whatever thisis, it's going to be good,
because you ripped in here andyou're like mic's on now,
headphones, headphones.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Actually I waited.
Jay, check my mic.
Yeah, what's wrong with your?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
mic.
It's fine, I just had it offbecause I was fucking with it.
Yeah, you fired into this.
You're like well, I'll pooplater, let's go.
You barrel rolled to the table.
He did actually move the tablelike I had to wait he pulled the
table like three inches closerto him too, like everything had
to be ready to go well, Ihaven't had my headphones on in
(01:00):
a while and I wanted to put themon this time I noticed you look
very different today.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I haven't seen you in a while what I look fatter, or
something you do not rightyou're wearing.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
You're wearing cream colored pumas rather than your
standard red.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
It's not puma, it's adida well, the pants are yeah,
oh, you mix branding and myshoes are adida, so I we might
as well go around the room.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I'm wearing a top shelf top shot, top shelf shirt
I got, and tony's wearingcompany branded logo t yep, he
looks amazing.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
You actually match with your work pants.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
It's weird, and we're sitting inside of a bunker.
There seems to be some type ofvolcano going above us right now
, but that's just the heatthat's on, All right.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
so there's something happened last week that I
haven't even told my wife about.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Oh man, this is great .
You're going to tell it to allof our listeners.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Yeah, this is a great place to tell people I don't
know and two of my best friendsFinally part of the flow club
well, the what club.
He said you didn't hear what hesaid before club.
You didn't hear what he saidbefore I finally got my period.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
He said oh, that's what the flow was in town.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
I got oh you fucking weirdo.
So this happened on a Thursdayof last week, so it's very new
into my I may be wanted for acrime.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
You're going to tell your crime on the radio too.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Do it man, it's do it man so it's basically I look at
it as vehicular animalslaughter okay so no other
personal property or humans wereharmed that's all.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
I don't know that's fine for me.
You can go to.
I don't know that's fine for me.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
You can go to jail for killing an animal?
No, you can't.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I don't believe you can.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Not with a car, With a gun yes, maybe intention.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Okay, continue, we'll be the judge and jury at the
end of that.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Please don't tell me you hit a family of bald eagles.
Okay, tell me you hit a familyof bald eagles, okay.
Well, while they were, whilethey were mating to save the
species in the middle of theroad, and you're on camera
swerving to hit them, they'reflying so low.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
They're so big too.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
It was the size of my vehicle they were fucking in
midair and I was mesmerizedactually shifted my car off to
the side of the road becausethey're so big all right, start
from the top.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
I start at start.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
I may have committed start that I may have committed
a murder with my vehicle oh, Ithought you're gonna say what
bobby portis?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I don't know.
That dude just looks like hedoes murder.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Crazy eyes Pardis.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Eyeballs, I think him and Lopez after every game look
at each other and say, hey, man, you want to go burn down a?
Speaker 3 (04:12):
building.
I think he's going to be gonetoo.
They're trading him, yeah,that's what I heard.
He's been playing for a while.
So I think this happened.
I think it was Thursday lastweek and it was when I was
driving home from work and itwas kind of a dark, stormy night
(04:34):
.
No, I'm kidding, it was like adark road, so I couldn't really
see a lot and there wasn't thatmuch traffic.
But as I was driving down theroad, all of a sudden the shadow
from the trees shot into thestreet.
It was a lot lizard and Iusually if if you know, you know
(04:59):
when something like goes inthis into the street and you
feel like you're gonna hit itand you're like you hold your
breath or you just kind of likeoh my god, you get excited.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
It's just crazy.
You get all giddy like thefirst time you kissed a lady.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I think you're supposed to drive through.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
My dad told me the only time I've been in an
instance like that.
A tree fell down in the road infront of us.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
You had to drive through it.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
During a crazy rainstorm, and it was, yeah, my
dad was driving, we were inGermany, what?
And he reached over and he heldme and he just was like we're
jumping again.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
He just hit the gas.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
He hit the gas man Go faster, drive through it and,
like branches, hit the shit,broke the window mirror off.
So I think you're you're on theright track by going.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
That's what.
That's funny, cause that'sexactly what my dad told me, and
taught me too, is if there isan animal or such, you got it.
You can't swerve out of the way, cause you're going to.
You could crash into somebodyelse.
You could crash into somebodyelse.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
You could cause more problems.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
So you got to just fucking drive through and when
that shit happens, like asquirrel running across the
street or something, I alwaysdon't even feel it.
I was so.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I was you swerve, tony?
No, but what I do is, if it's ahuman, if I miss it, I then go
in reverse like refight retargetlocated mode Fucking crazy With
his murdering actions ofstomping out of a tiny little
mouse.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
I could see him doing that.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
We are literally sitting in a room that has two
animals that I murdered and wasso proud of that I decided to
make lifelong mementos of them,the one behind you looks fake.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
It's not.
Is it a pheasant?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
it's a pheasant.
Okay, it's from Asia.
You went to Asia and shot apheasant.
No, they brought them here so Icould shoot them.
That's all they're fucking madefor, he's shooting them.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Yeah, I've never seen one of those birds.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
They breed them in pens and then, right before
you're about to go out and shootthem, they go put them out into
the fucking field, yeah so thisthing darts across successful
hunt every time, you win everytime.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Claw machine game for hunters.
Basically, this, this bird, isno better than the rubber ball
or the rubber ducky.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Oh, you can still miss them very easily.
They're fast, little fuckers.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Don't you shoot them with a shotgun and the pellets
kind of spread out, so it'seasier, mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
They only spread so far, though Sometimes you wish
they went an extra couple feet.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
What's the name of that gun?
The blunderbuss.
The blunderbuss that can shootalmost anything out of it.
The old pirates guns.
You know what I'm talking aboutthe giant hole it's got like a
cone on the end of it basicallyyou could stuff anything in
there and I didn't shoot it,like old rings and anything you
could find, fucking jacks,alright.
(08:02):
So Jay's out shooting out thedoor trying to kill this thing,
or what do you got Shadows.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Never so.
Shadow runs across the streetand usually, for some reason, I
always miss him or I'm alwaysterrified.
So I hold my breath and I closemy eyes and just pray that I
don't hit it.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
I think that's the right move.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I look back and usually I don't hit it.
I think that's the right move.
I look back and usually I don'thit it.
I don't hit it.
This time came across, held mybreath, closed my eyes how big
I'm getting to, that it'snighttime, so I didn't see how
big it was, so it wasn't asquirrel.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Was it maybe a cat or dog or a wolf, or was this?
Speaker 3 (08:40):
a deer or bear it was a wolf?
Speaker 1 (08:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I thought I missed it , but I all of a sudden heard,
but the suspension of the cartold you different.
Yeah, it went.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
I'm like well, again you're driving a micro machine
truck.
This still could be a squirrel.
What are we?
Speaker 3 (08:59):
What size rain.
Hitting a squirrel is likehitting a regular deer and
destroying my.
I hit a squirrel, destroyed mycar.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
He hit a raccoon and his car actually stopped in the
middle of it and teetered backand forth on it, stopped on it.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Clearance is three and a half inches on the thing.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
As I was saying, I hit it.
I heard the thump, thump.
I'm like fuck and I pulled overto the side of the road
immediately You're a good driver.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
You hit it with two wheels.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
They say shoot to kill.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
If you're going to shoot, shoot to kill.
So I hit it.
I hit it, I knew I hit it and Iwas terrified.
I didn't even want to look atit.
I pulled up the side of theroad and I looked in the rear
view mirror and I could just seeit was kind of moving Feathers
everywhere.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Objects closer than.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
I see it was kind of moving and I saw that it was the
size of a raccoon, maybe alittle bigger, but it didn't
look like a raccoon.
So I'm like, is this a fuckingdog?
You hit somebody's dog dude,I'm freaking out.
I'm like, is this a dog?
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I hope it better not be it better not be a dog.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
it better not be a dog, like that's what I'm saying
as I'm looking in the mirrorand I'm still not getting out of
my car because I'm terrified.
So and I'm thinking to myselfit's still moving, so it's still
alive, but it might be dying.
So if I have to put it out ofhis misery, I don't have like.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Which brings me back to the movie me myself and Irene
.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I don't carry a gun like Tony, I can't go out there
and shoot it.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
What am I going to do ?
Speaker 3 (10:30):
That's illegal.
Okay, fine, but if I got to putit on its misery, I'd rather do
it fast with the gun.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
You got to chirp that car in reverse, no, and give it
four more tires.
What am I?
Speaker 3 (10:40):
going to do?
Take a trowel, slit its throat,suffocate it with a grout
sponge.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
I'm already imagining you sitting in your van
Suffocate.
Imagining you sitting in yourvan suffocating with the cross.
I didn't know how to kill it,like I was I.
I imagine you crying with agrout sponge wiping your tears.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
I was, I was, I was sad.
I cried myself to sleep thatnight.
Did you go outside and put apillow over its head?
No, like I said, I was gonnasuffocate.
I was gonna suffocate it with agrout sponge and say quiet, go
to bed, go to sleep.
So I got out.
I got out of the car to seewhat it actually was.
I didn't know what it was.
(11:17):
I thought it was a dog.
I was fucking freaking.
Have you ever hit a dog?
No, and what would you do ifyou hit a dog?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
you'd freak out right lots of possums.
Last year I hit a big fuckingraccoon.
That one was fun because I hadtwo people following me and when
we got to our destinationthey're like you ran that
fucking raccoon over and I'mlike you, don't think everybody
in the car knew that that thatthing made the wheels get off
(11:46):
the ground.
I hit that thing going 50 coonsare big man.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
So I turned my light on my phone and then I started
walking towards the animal.
And then the whole timeobviously I'm thinking it's a
dog, and then I get up to itit's a wolverine, it's a cat oh,
fuck it's a cat you let thatthing suffer, dude, they just
keep moving.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
I have?
Speaker 3 (12:11):
I have three cats.
Yeah, I know, yeah, you justkeep it moving like an 18 pound
cat cats are worthless dudeyou're gonna get did it have a
collar?
On.
No, that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
I was didn't have a collar on.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
If it didn't have a collar, I've never seen, never
seen anybody with a cat that hada collar.
It's like not, you don't havecollars on your cats.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
No, you live in an apartment.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
I don't let my cats outside.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
You live in an apartment he lives in an
apartment that he's not supposedto have cats, so he doesn't
want.
That's the law you're breaking.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
No.
So my cats have always beencats that could go outside on a
line and then they would sneakout all the time, so we had to
put collars on them and then Ithink we had a cat that just
stayed inside.
It was too fat and lazy to goanywhere.
But it still had a collar,because that was just what we
did.
And then my mom now has catsand they have collars.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
This cat probably has a home.
I took a picture of it in, likeyou know, in case someone
identified the body or if I hadto proof that like someone.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Hey episode of csi, I'm missing an animal I'm
missing an animal you have to doit yourself car wash, trying to
get the blood off I hit it withmy tires, not my great.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
I'm not my grill um, no fucking cat so the cat was
still alive you run that fuckingthing over.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
You run the walgreens .
You get a get well soon,balloon.
You go back, tie it to its paw,move on with your fucking life.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
So it's in, it's kind of in.
It's not on the edge of the,it's in the middle of the road a
little bit.
I had to do something, Icouldn't just leave it and it
was like moving its paw.
You touched this cat.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
Oh, dude, you left DNA.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Hey.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
At this grind scene.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
You got too many hair follicles.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Now it looks unpersonal.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Not to have left a couple out of sight.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Now, it's too personal.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
I took my hat off and my whole fuck all my hair.
My head surrounded the cat.
Oh man, you hit a cat.
I didn't touch it with my hands.
I got a.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
I got a trowel oh, you're troweling dead cat from
roadside to roadside no, I got,had a broom.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
I got a wooden or a broom and I kind of broomed it
to the side.
I kind of moved, it touched alittle bit because I didn't it's
still like kind of moving andmaking a weird like gurgly sound
.
I'm like, fuck man, what do Ido?
Oh, you didn't pop it right,pop it.
Yeah, what do you mean?
They pop when you run them?
Oh god, you're sick.
(14:47):
So I moved it to the side andyou know, I had a couple tears
in my eyes because I got threecats.
It was fucking terrifying andsad.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
And then I don't know if I I mean you started
thinking about it's somebody'scat.
You're like this could havebeen my cat.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
But if it was?
Speaker 1 (15:09):
somebody's cat?
Why was it running around inthe road at night with no collar
on?
Speaker 3 (15:15):
I figured it was one of the warmer days last week.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
That's the problem with fucking cat owners man,
they don't teach their cats tostay out of the road.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
I think it was just it was exploring.
It was probably chasing a mouse, I don't fucking know.
But it was a sad day in thelife of myself.
Now it's chasing jesus yeah,but I still I had to leave it
without murdering it completely,because I had no way of doing
that.
Like I said, I don't have anyweapons you think you would have
(15:44):
you would have.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
uh, what is it when you shoot a gun?
What is it a fancy way to saythat in cop terms Discharge,
discharged a weapon into thisthing.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
I had a BB gun and I was like should I load my BB gun
up, maybe shoot it in theeyeball a couple?
Speaker 1 (16:02):
times Wait so you carry an unloaded BB gun.
No, I have BBs in my.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
BB gun.
I'm going to tell you right now, if that was me and that cat
was suffering, I'd have watchedit for like 20 minutes suffer
and then I'd have pistol whoopedit to death.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Imagine if I went out there with a BB gun.
I had and just kept shooting it.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
That's too much, Tony .
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Tony's a psycho, you would do that I fucking hate
cats.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
What if?
Speaker 3 (16:24):
it was a dog, what would?
Speaker 1 (16:26):
you do, then I would have had a burial, I would have
put up a ceremony.
Yeah, well, because no oneleaves a dog uncolored running
amok in the streets.
People leave cats, uncolored,running amok in the streets
still man.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
That's the only male animal I've ever, ever killed.
And then I thought I could haveswerved out of the way.
There was no cars around.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
The cat probably wanted to die.
Sounds like vehicular suicideyeah because think about it,
think about it for a minute.
If this cat was out and about,you said it was at night.
Yeah, well, it was probablylike 5 o'clock, all by its
lonesome.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
It was probably delivering Uber Eats.
Was there a lot of houses inthe area there was one side of
the street that had houses, andthe other side was off like a
foresty, oh so this cat has beenliving in the I mean dude this
cat was fat and it it was wellfed.
It had to be an animal of.
Uh, it had to be someone's cat.
No, it's a farm cat.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
It was huge.
It doesn't matter, why wouldthat matter?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Because it's.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Are all your cats fat ?
Speaker 3 (17:40):
I have one cat that's huge.
It reminded me of him.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
So, jay, if we're being serious here and we had to
go live in the woods, Iwouldn't eat a cat.
You would.
You would be really skinnybecause your non-killer instinct
, because you're crying, becauseyou fucking running over rogue
cats.
I'm not killing the cat to eatit.
I would remain fat because Iwould be able to fucking
(18:07):
probably get fatter yeah, Iwould get stronger and fatter
I'd be eating whole deer at atime.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
What the hell do you think you think you guys could
kill out in the, in the, in thewild?
Speaker 1 (18:17):
wouldn't it be good, instead of like, joining a gym
and just be like, yeah, I'mgoing on that night 60 days, no?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
shit.
60 days in Alaska.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I'm switching life with a farmer.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
I could see you, tony , going on naked and afraid and
quitting after seven daysbecause you can't kill shit.
Oh, I would quit, but theydon't give you a gun.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
I would quit most of that kind of shit.
Mosquito bites, dude, I can'tdeal with them.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
Oh my God, yeah, they do get ravaged with bites on
that show Completely there ain'tno way, completely so do you
think that I'm okay?
I'm not going to have a cophere and I'm going to call my
daughter?
Speaker 2 (18:52):
No, I'm sure there's no warrant.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
What crime did you commit?
Murder, murder, yeah.
You don't even know if it died.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Did anyone report this crime?
It?
Speaker 1 (19:04):
probably survived.
Were there any witnesses?
Definition of a crime requiressomeone to have witnessed it.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
No, no, there's no one around, no, no one witnessed
it.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
It was a wrongdoing that you performed, but it's not
a crime, it's not a wrongdoing.
Until someone says youcommitted a crime, you actually
haven't yet done it.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
What if I didn't see the person in a house binocular.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
So it might have been reported.
You might be on the loose for areported crime.
There's a small van.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
They didn't get my license plate because I haven't
got a call yet.
White van that's why I took apicture of it.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
White van says free candy on the side it does
actually.
Yeah, no, I think you're good,so then you just drove home like
nothing ever happened.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I haven't told anybody, and you haven't told.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
I had to let this out .
This is to myself right now andto you guys.
I'm waiting to tell my wife andI cannot, never, ever, I can
never tell my kids.
They would freak, they wouldprobably cry if I told them the
story they're probably nevergoing to look at you the same.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
They'd be like oh my God, Can you believe that dad?
Speaker 2 (20:14):
It's a murder.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Well, I'm definitely not letting them listen to this
episode.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
It was still moving.
You could have taken it to theveterinary.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
Dude, it was squished in a spot of its stomach where?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yeah, but it might have only been five and six of
its lives.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
No, it was all nine of its lives that cat could have
lived successfully after it,costing you tens and tens of
thousands of dollars in awheeled chair that also cost
tens of thousands of dollarsthat you could have burdened
your life with and you droveaway.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
That's why your?
Speaker 1 (20:53):
kids and wife.
That's what your kids and wifeare going to be like.
They're not going to realizethat there was actually this big
burden that would have.
But you could have been.
They're going to be like Dadyou could have saved it.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
You could have been the hero.
I was thinking about putting inmy car and driving to an animal
hospital, leaving it at thefront door and taking off.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
I mean you lived with one third of a bathroom
situation because of the catsinitially.
Well, those ones, I wanted.
You must live in fear, likeAnne Frank, every day of your
life because of the illegalityof their existence within your
home.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
But you wouldn't do it for these cats, I'm telling
you man, this cat, you guysdon't understand the pain I've
gone through this weekend.
Jay, that cat probably had aname.
Yeah, you know what it's likeWhiskers or something.
I guess I didn't.
It was probably loved by achild Where's?
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Whiskers.
I didn't even think about ituntil now, but my friend at work
you know, Darren, might knowthis guy too, so you should ask.
He has a missing cat.
He's got a missing cat.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
What color?
Black and white, no silver.
I've seen the flyer.
I'm good there.
That's another thing too.
I took a picture.
Let's see the picture.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
I want to see the picture.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Show me the picture, do you?
Speaker 2 (22:16):
really got a picture of it.
Yeah, I do Give me the picture.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
For you people at home.
If Jay ever lets this episodeair, the picture will be the
thumbnail.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Let's see the picture .
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
You should show him now.
Why wouldn't you show him now?
I don't want to see it becauseI'm not going to do something
like that.
I don't want to see it becauseI'm not going to do something
like that.
I don't really care.
All right, but I will put it upIf you actually let this thing
air, because I don't thinkyou're ever going to tell your
wife, because if you tell yourwife, she's going to tell your
kids no, she won't Fuck you, shewon't.
(22:55):
It's going to be talked about atChristmas dinner next year.
Dude, you, dude, you're fucked,you're completely wrecked.
You're wrecked, yeah, you're.
You committed no crime, but youhave lost.
You.
You've put a big l in front ofyou and now you haven't said it.
What are you gonna say?
It happened, so you let's.
I just see you.
I see you somehow fucking thisup where, like in three days,
(23:20):
you decide to tell your wife,but you're gonna tell your wife
by telling her that it happenedthat day, even though it
happened now a week and a halfago, and then, so it's gonna be
fine for a while.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
She's gonna ask you where it happened and then she's
gonna go back in your trackingand find this rotted cat dude,
what the fuck that is not athree hour old dead cat, and
then she's gonna wreck you thatout.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You're gonna fuck this up somehow now.
You should have said somethingright away.
You fucked this up.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
I heard you told, I heard you told your
father-in-law and he's so pissedhe's moving out.
It's black and silver spotted,with one long stripe going
across its back.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
Don't say it.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
That says Goodyear.
I can't believe that made yousad.
You hit it in the daylight no,that's a that's.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
That's the light of my camera let everybody know.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
I told you it was nighttime.
Let everybody know about howyou threw the collar in the
woods now he kept it as amemento if there was a shoebox
if there was a collar dude.
Oh, at least there wasn't acollar.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
No.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
That's why I said that's a human.
So no one owned that cat.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Okay, so wait, that cat owned that?
Let me ask you, no one ownedthat cat.
Let me ask you this guys, if ithad a collar?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
You collar your animals.
If it had a collar and it had anumber on it, then what would
you?
I would have called the personand say I murdered the cat.
Listen, you flipping idiot.
I just hit your freaking animalBecause you're so gosh darn.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Go to the corner of Pierce and Morgan, irresponsible
, there's a cat that has your.
Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
You have to yell at them.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
No, you call them and you say if you ever want to see
your candy, can come to thecorner of Fifth and Morgan.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
What if they ask me for a picture of it To make sure
it's still alive?
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Sending them ransom notes.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
It was a sad day.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
You hit Chris's mic way down.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, you turned me off.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
How the hell did that happen With a card?
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I don't know.
I don't think there was a crimecommitted.
You did flee the scene of anincident, but not a crime.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
It's not really an incident.
It's like what if I call?
I was thinking, what if I call911?
And they came out and theystarted to laugh at me.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
They would fine you If you called 911, they would
fine you.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Yeah, that's why I didn't do that.
Oh yeah, when they were done,laughing.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
But you could have called like animal control, they
could have came out.
You could have called thehighway department to clean up
the mess.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
I guess I could Google that number.
I don't know that number.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
You made some dude $5 , because people get like $5 a
carcass when they go collectthem on the road.
Are you?
Speaker 3 (26:26):
serious, yeah.
What do they do with them?
Then?
Put them in chicken nuggets forMcDonald's.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
They go, turn them in , throw them in a dump.
You definitely should have.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
I mean, I guess they're not telling.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
The right answer is you do nothing.
You're already fucked up bystopping.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
It's so stupid.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Why the fuck would you stop?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
You knew it wasn't human.
Right If you know it wasn'thuman.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Once you confirm it's not a child, you fucking keep
driving.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
Well, I had to stop to confirm that.
I told you it was black, wentquick and da-dun-da-dun.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
I guess if it would have freaked me out enough I
probably would have stopped.
If it was substantial enoughunknowns I would have stopped to
find out.
But if I knew for sure it waslike dang, that was some animal,
I would have just kept drivingand I probably would have woke
my wife up when I got home Icouldn't wait to tell her.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Oh dude, I don't think.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I'd ever tell her I'd have woke the kids up.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Everybody Show her the picture.
You want to hear what your daddid today.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Check this picture out.
Should I print that picture offUp?
Speaker 1 (27:32):
This might be a whole different episode.
But why wouldn't you tell yourwife?
Speaker 3 (27:39):
I'm still like like recovering from the sadness.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
He's in trauma.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
He has been leaving clues.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
You're in trauma.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Every time I see a cat on the show, I start crying
or watching something what'swrong?
Speaker 1 (27:53):
I'll tell you in a week you should find an old
episode from an old sitcom whenthey used to be on TV and need
episodes about one where the guyhit a cat or something and then
paused it and be like turn toyour wife.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
I remember this one time.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Honey, there's something I needed to tell you.
I don't know how.
A movie about a cat gettingmurdered.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
This episode helped me.
Maybe on YouTube you can find asupport video for people who
have killed animals on the roadand show it to her and just tell
her this is what I'm dealingwith maybe there's, maybe
there's a facebook page forpeople that have incidentally
harmed cats any animal any well,again, it's a, it's a house
(28:35):
animal, it's a.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
It's a pet.
You don't know that that thingwas in the house.
You have no idea.
It's probably a farm cat.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
In retrospect.
It is a house animal.
It is not like if I had a deer.
No, it's not.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
They started as wild animals.
Every animal started as wildanimals, Exactly and people have
decided to make them houseanimals.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
This cat was never a wild animal.
This cat was probably someone'shouse cat but it got left in
that field you're talking about.
They abandoned it.
That cat had no collar.
No one owned it.
That's my stance.
If you don't collar or brandyour animal so that it can be
(29:19):
identified as yours, it's notyours.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
It's not your animal.
It's probably because it's beenso cold out.
It's probably like a frozenbody and it's frozen to the
cement.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
You haven't driven past no.
You're afraid to go back to thescene of the crime.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
I take 10 minutes detours.
Just not take that road everagain.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Interesting.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
Ever.
I'll never go down that road.
I murdered something on thatroad scene of a crime.
Huh.
Have you ever done anythingwhere you just could not drive
on a road?
No, never I have.
I'm murdered murder road.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
It's called murder road now from here on out yeah
well, I can't wait to hear theconclusion of this, when you
finally break down and decide totell your family of your?
Speaker 3 (30:02):
Oh shit, I thought you were talking about when I'm
finally caught and put in jail.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
There's no way you could be jailed in any form or
fashion.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
It's hit and run.
No, you didn't hit and run.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
You hit and stopped.
For fuck's sake, no one wasthere.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
On another note, with the way Netflix has been
putting stuff out, you'reeligible for your own
documentary.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
This one is a story.
Don't fuck with cats.
Oh man, Remember that one.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
It's just going to be a montage of different scenes
of Jace sitting in a bathtubwith no water, no clothes,
shivering, crying, no, no.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
Reaching up to heaven .
No it.
It's gonna have close-up shotsof me and there's gonna be tears
running down my eyes and I'mgonna have a really sad and it's
just gonna be like a plinkleboard going through all your
strands of hair.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
It's a little zigzag, a plinkle board.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
My hair is no, my hair, my just.
The hair just doesn't get wet.
It would just be on top of myhair, falling out.
I can't make it to your skin.
Yeah, a plinko board, oh fuckthe tear that was never felt.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Maybe that'll be the name of the documentary what in
the world?
Speaker 3 (31:19):
how do you come up with these names?
It's a pretty good name yeahlike I had no idea what doc I
would watch that documentary.
I wouldn't reading the name.
I'd be like what is this about?
Speaker 2 (31:30):
it would be something totally different than what it
sounds like a tear never feltthe fucked up thing is when
netflix would make you run overa second cat so they can have
footage we don't have much inthe budget.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
We got no room for ai .
Speaker 2 (31:49):
We're gonna need you to do that again they'd be like
all right, we got these 10 cats.
Which one looks the most likethe cat?
Rank them in order, in case youmiss the first couple.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
I imagine the guy off off scene, off off camera,
who's throwing the cats out likethis you guys are terrible,
throwing it out like a spikestrip.
We gotta do it again.
We missed them.
Cat rolled under it.
I gotta throw.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
We need a new cat boss they got a little one wheel
ramp so that when he hits itthe fucking van turns over on
its side we're gonna need it.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Nope, the tossing the cat's not working.
We're gonna have to do the pullit by a string method from the
other side.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Rig it up you guys are psychos.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
I don't know why I'm laughing I can't wait for the
tear that never was.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Wasn't that the tear that?
Speaker 1 (32:49):
was never felt.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Documentary and you know how when they do shit with
animals, they always put thedisclosure at the beginning or
the end.
No cats were harmed in themaking.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
They can't do it.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
They would have to do it for years.
Like only seven cats wereharmed for the making of this
movie, they can't do it for thisone.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
They would have to do it for years Like only seven
cats were harmed for the makingof this documentary.
No, it'd be a slow motion oversome hip-hop music, like the end
of every movie Black and whitefilm.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Oh, I can't wait till we have more stories about
killing kittens.
You are terrible.
It wasn't a kitten.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
It was a cat.
More stories about killingkittens.
You are terrible.
It wasn't a kitten, it was acat.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
So I ran over this box the other day, filled with
kittens to the brim.
Oh my God, he's sick.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
Everyone's going to hate so many dead kittens.
You're going to have fun.
People are going to hate you.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
This is Tony talking right now.
Remember guys.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Jay and Chris don't agree with tony wauwatosa
wisconsin, come see me so, in aworld that shuns the
uncomfortable, we embrace itwith open arms and open laughs,
with our candid narrativesaround our stories.
We can assure you thatawkwardness is a shared human
experience.
So remember, every tuesday,come listen to our podcast Top
(34:02):
Shelf Stories.
Why'd the music stop?
Great slam poetry.
You like that?
That was pretty good.
Memorize that, shit, guys.
Alright, see you later.
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
What's up, guys?
I don't know, but whatever thisis, it's going to be good,
because you ripped in here andyou're like mic's on now,
headphones, headphones.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Actually I waited.
Jay, check my mic.
Yeah, what's wrong with your?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
mic.
It's fine, I just had it offbecause I was fucking with it.
Yeah, you fired into this.
You're like well, I'll pooplater, let's go.
You barrel rolled to the table.
He did actually move the tablelike I had to wait he pulled the
table like three inches closerto him too, like everything had
to be ready to go well, Ihaven't had my headphones on in
(01:00):
a while and I wanted to put themon this time I noticed you look
very different today.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I haven't seen you in a while what I look fatter, or
something you do not rightyou're wearing.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
You're wearing cream colored pumas rather than your
standard red.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
It's not puma, it's adida well, the pants are yeah,
oh, you mix branding and myshoes are adida, so I we might
as well go around the room.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
I'm wearing a top shelf top shot, top shelf shirt
I got, and tony's wearingcompany branded logo t yep, he
looks amazing.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
You actually match with your work pants.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
It's weird, and we're sitting inside of a bunker.
There seems to be some type ofvolcano going above us right now
, but that's just the heatthat's on, All right.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
so there's something happened last week that I
haven't even told my wife about.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Oh man, this is great .
You're going to tell it to allof our listeners.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Yeah, this is a great place to tell people I don't
know and two of my best friendsFinally part of the flow club
well, the what club.
He said you didn't hear what hesaid before club.
You didn't hear what he saidbefore I finally got my period.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
He said oh, that's what the flow was in town.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
I got oh you fucking weirdo.
So this happened on a Thursdayof last week, so it's very new
into my I may be wanted for acrime.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
You're going to tell your crime on the radio too.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Do it man, it's do it man so it's basically I look at
it as vehicular animalslaughter okay so no other
personal property or humans wereharmed that's all.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
I don't know that's fine for me.
You can go to.
I don't know that's fine for me.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
You can go to jail for killing an animal?
No, you can't.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I don't believe you can.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Not with a car, With a gun yes, maybe intention.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Okay, continue, we'll be the judge and jury at the
end of that.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Please don't tell me you hit a family of bald eagles.
Okay, tell me you hit a familyof bald eagles, okay.
Well, while they were, whilethey were mating to save the
species in the middle of theroad, and you're on camera
swerving to hit them, they'reflying so low.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
They're so big too.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
It was the size of my vehicle they were fucking in
midair and I was mesmerizedactually shifted my car off to
the side of the road becausethey're so big all right, start
from the top.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
I start at start.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
I may have committed start that I may have committed
a murder with my vehicle oh, Ithought you're gonna say what
bobby portis?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I don't know.
That dude just looks like hedoes murder.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Crazy eyes Pardis.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Eyeballs, I think him and Lopez after every game look
at each other and say, hey, man, you want to go burn down a?
Speaker 3 (04:12):
building.
I think he's going to be gonetoo.
They're trading him, yeah,that's what I heard.
He's been playing for a while.
So I think this happened.
I think it was Thursday lastweek and it was when I was
driving home from work and itwas kind of a dark, stormy night
(04:34):
.
No, I'm kidding, it was like adark road, so I couldn't really
see a lot and there wasn't thatmuch traffic.
But as I was driving down theroad, all of a sudden the shadow
from the trees shot into thestreet.
It was a lot lizard and Iusually if if you know, you know
(04:59):
when something like goes inthis into the street and you
feel like you're gonna hit itand you're like you hold your
breath or you just kind of likeoh my god, you get excited.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
It's just crazy.
You get all giddy like thefirst time you kissed a lady.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
I think you're supposed to drive through.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
My dad told me the only time I've been in an
instance like that.
A tree fell down in the road infront of us.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
You had to drive through it.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
During a crazy rainstorm, and it was, yeah, my
dad was driving, we were inGermany, what?
And he reached over and he heldme and he just was like we're
jumping again.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
He just hit the gas.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
He hit the gas man Go faster, drive through it and,
like branches, hit the shit,broke the window mirror off.
So I think you're you're on theright track by going.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
That's what.
That's funny, cause that'sexactly what my dad told me, and
taught me too, is if there isan animal or such, you got it.
You can't swerve out of the way, cause you're going to.
You could crash into somebodyelse.
You could crash into somebodyelse.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
You could cause more problems.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
So you got to just fucking drive through and when
that shit happens, like asquirrel running across the
street or something, I alwaysdon't even feel it.
I was so.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I was you swerve, tony?
No, but what I do is, if it's ahuman, if I miss it, I then go
in reverse like refight retargetlocated mode Fucking crazy With
his murdering actions ofstomping out of a tiny little
mouse.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
I could see him doing that.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
We are literally sitting in a room that has two
animals that I murdered and wasso proud of that I decided to
make lifelong mementos of them,the one behind you looks fake.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
It's not.
Is it a pheasant?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
it's a pheasant.
Okay, it's from Asia.
You went to Asia and shot apheasant.
No, they brought them here so Icould shoot them.
That's all they're fucking madefor, he's shooting them.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Yeah, I've never seen one of those birds.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
They breed them in pens and then, right before
you're about to go out and shootthem, they go put them out into
the fucking field, yeah so thisthing darts across successful
hunt every time, you win everytime.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Claw machine game for hunters.
Basically, this, this bird, isno better than the rubber ball
or the rubber ducky.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Oh, you can still miss them very easily.
They're fast, little fuckers.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Don't you shoot them with a shotgun and the pellets
kind of spread out, so it'seasier, mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
They only spread so far, though Sometimes you wish
they went an extra couple feet.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
What's the name of that gun?
The blunderbuss.
The blunderbuss that can shootalmost anything out of it.
The old pirates guns.
You know what I'm talking aboutthe giant hole it's got like a
cone on the end of it basicallyyou could stuff anything in
there and I didn't shoot it,like old rings and anything you
could find, fucking jacks,alright.
(08:02):
So Jay's out shooting out thedoor trying to kill this thing,
or what do you got Shadows.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
Never so.
Shadow runs across the streetand usually, for some reason, I
always miss him or I'm alwaysterrified.
So I hold my breath and I closemy eyes and just pray that I
don't hit it.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
I think that's the right move.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I look back and usually I don't hit it.
I think that's the right move.
I look back and usually I don'thit it.
I don't hit it.
This time came across, held mybreath, closed my eyes how big
I'm getting to, that it'snighttime, so I didn't see how
big it was, so it wasn't asquirrel.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Was it maybe a cat or dog or a wolf, or was this?
Speaker 3 (08:40):
a deer or bear it was a wolf?
Speaker 1 (08:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
I thought I missed it , but I all of a sudden heard,
but the suspension of the cartold you different.
Yeah, it went.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
I'm like well, again you're driving a micro machine
truck.
This still could be a squirrel.
What are we?
Speaker 3 (08:59):
What size rain.
Hitting a squirrel is likehitting a regular deer and
destroying my.
I hit a squirrel, destroyed mycar.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
He hit a raccoon and his car actually stopped in the
middle of it and teetered backand forth on it, stopped on it.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Clearance is three and a half inches on the thing.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
As I was saying, I hit it.
I heard the thump, thump.
I'm like fuck and I pulled overto the side of the road
immediately You're a good driver.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
You hit it with two wheels.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
They say shoot to kill.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
If you're going to shoot, shoot to kill.
So I hit it.
I hit it, I knew I hit it and Iwas terrified.
I didn't even want to look atit.
I pulled up the side of theroad and I looked in the rear
view mirror and I could just seeit was kind of moving Feathers
everywhere.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Objects closer than.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
I see it was kind of moving and I saw that it was the
size of a raccoon, maybe alittle bigger, but it didn't
look like a raccoon.
So I'm like, is this a fuckingdog?
You hit somebody's dog dude,I'm freaking out.
I'm like, is this a dog?
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I hope it better not be it better not be a dog.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
it better not be a dog, like that's what I'm saying
as I'm looking in the mirrorand I'm still not getting out of
my car because I'm terrified.
So and I'm thinking to myselfit's still moving, so it's still
alive, but it might be dying.
So if I have to put it out ofhis misery, I don't have like.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Which brings me back to the movie me myself and Irene
.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I don't carry a gun like Tony, I can't go out there
and shoot it.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
What am I going to do ?
Speaker 3 (10:30):
That's illegal.
Okay, fine, but if I got to putit on its misery, I'd rather do
it fast with the gun.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
You got to chirp that car in reverse, no, and give it
four more tires.
What am I?
Speaker 3 (10:40):
going to do?
Take a trowel, slit its throat,suffocate it with a grout
sponge.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
I'm already imagining you sitting in your van
Suffocate.
Imagining you sitting in yourvan suffocating with the cross.
I didn't know how to kill it,like I was I.
I imagine you crying with agrout sponge wiping your tears.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
I was, I was, I was sad.
I cried myself to sleep thatnight.
Did you go outside and put apillow over its head?
No, like I said, I was gonnasuffocate.
I was gonna suffocate it with agrout sponge and say quiet, go
to bed, go to sleep.
So I got out.
I got out of the car to seewhat it actually was.
I didn't know what it was.
(11:17):
I thought it was a dog.
I was fucking freaking.
Have you ever hit a dog?
No, and what would you do ifyou hit a dog?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
you'd freak out right lots of possums.
Last year I hit a big fuckingraccoon.
That one was fun because I hadtwo people following me and when
we got to our destinationthey're like you ran that
fucking raccoon over and I'mlike you, don't think everybody
in the car knew that that thatthing made the wheels get off
(11:46):
the ground.
I hit that thing going 50 coonsare big man.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
So I turned my light on my phone and then I started
walking towards the animal.
And then the whole timeobviously I'm thinking it's a
dog, and then I get up to itit's a wolverine, it's a cat oh,
fuck it's a cat you let thatthing suffer, dude, they just
keep moving.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
I have?
Speaker 3 (12:11):
I have three cats.
Yeah, I know, yeah, you justkeep it moving like an 18 pound
cat cats are worthless dudeyou're gonna get did it have a
collar?
On.
No, that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
I was didn't have a collar on.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
If it didn't have a collar, I've never seen, never
seen anybody with a cat that hada collar.
It's like not, you don't havecollars on your cats.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
No, you live in an apartment.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
I don't let my cats outside.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
You live in an apartment he lives in an
apartment that he's not supposedto have cats, so he doesn't
want.
That's the law you're breaking.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
No.
So my cats have always beencats that could go outside on a
line and then they would sneakout all the time, so we had to
put collars on them and then Ithink we had a cat that just
stayed inside.
It was too fat and lazy to goanywhere.
But it still had a collar,because that was just what we
did.
And then my mom now has catsand they have collars.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
This cat probably has a home.
I took a picture of it in, likeyou know, in case someone
identified the body or if I hadto proof that like someone.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Hey episode of csi, I'm missing an animal I'm
missing an animal you have to doit yourself car wash, trying to
get the blood off I hit it withmy tires, not my great.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
I'm not my grill um, no fucking cat so the cat was
still alive you run that fuckingthing over.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
You run the walgreens .
You get a get well soon,balloon.
You go back, tie it to its paw,move on with your fucking life.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
So it's in, it's kind of in.
It's not on the edge of the,it's in the middle of the road a
little bit.
I had to do something, Icouldn't just leave it and it
was like moving its paw.
You touched this cat.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
Oh, dude, you left DNA.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Hey.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
At this grind scene.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
You got too many hair follicles.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Now it looks unpersonal.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Not to have left a couple out of sight.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Now, it's too personal.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
I took my hat off and my whole fuck all my hair.
My head surrounded the cat.
Oh man, you hit a cat.
I didn't touch it with my hands.
I got a.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
I got a trowel oh, you're troweling dead cat from
roadside to roadside no, I got,had a broom.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
I got a wooden or a broom and I kind of broomed it
to the side.
I kind of moved, it touched alittle bit because I didn't it's
still like kind of moving andmaking a weird like gurgly sound
.
I'm like, fuck man, what do Ido?
Oh, you didn't pop it right,pop it.
Yeah, what do you mean?
They pop when you run them?
Oh god, you're sick.
(14:47):
So I moved it to the side andyou know, I had a couple tears
in my eyes because I got threecats.
It was fucking terrifying andsad.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
And then I don't know if I I mean you started
thinking about it's somebody'scat.
You're like this could havebeen my cat.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
But if it was?
Speaker 1 (15:09):
somebody's cat?
Why was it running around inthe road at night with no collar
on?
Speaker 3 (15:15):
I figured it was one of the warmer days last week.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
That's the problem with fucking cat owners man,
they don't teach their cats tostay out of the road.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
I think it was just it was exploring.
It was probably chasing a mouse, I don't fucking know.
But it was a sad day in thelife of myself.
Now it's chasing jesus yeah,but I still I had to leave it
without murdering it completely,because I had no way of doing
that.
Like I said, I don't have anyweapons you think you would have
(15:44):
you would have.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
uh, what is it when you shoot a gun?
What is it a fancy way to saythat in cop terms Discharge,
discharged a weapon into thisthing.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
I had a BB gun and I was like should I load my BB gun
up, maybe shoot it in theeyeball a couple?
Speaker 1 (16:02):
times Wait so you carry an unloaded BB gun.
No, I have BBs in my.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
BB gun.
I'm going to tell you right now, if that was me and that cat
was suffering, I'd have watchedit for like 20 minutes suffer
and then I'd have pistol whoopedit to death.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Imagine if I went out there with a BB gun.
I had and just kept shooting it.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
That's too much, Tony .
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Tony's a psycho, you would do that I fucking hate
cats.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
What if?
Speaker 3 (16:24):
it was a dog, what would?
Speaker 1 (16:26):
you do, then I would have had a burial, I would have
put up a ceremony.
Yeah, well, because no oneleaves a dog uncolored running
amok in the streets.
People leave cats, uncolored,running amok in the streets
still man.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
That's the only male animal I've ever, ever killed.
And then I thought I could haveswerved out of the way.
There was no cars around.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
The cat probably wanted to die.
Sounds like vehicular suicideyeah because think about it,
think about it for a minute.
If this cat was out and about,you said it was at night.
Yeah, well, it was probablylike 5 o'clock, all by its
lonesome.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
It was probably delivering Uber Eats.
Was there a lot of houses inthe area there was one side of
the street that had houses, andthe other side was off like a
foresty, oh so this cat has beenliving in the I mean dude this
cat was fat and it it was wellfed.
It had to be an animal of.
Uh, it had to be someone's cat.
No, it's a farm cat.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
It was huge.
It doesn't matter, why wouldthat matter?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Because it's.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Are all your cats fat ?
Speaker 3 (17:40):
I have one cat that's huge.
It reminded me of him.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
So, jay, if we're being serious here and we had to
go live in the woods, Iwouldn't eat a cat.
You would.
You would be really skinnybecause your non-killer instinct
, because you're crying, becauseyou fucking running over rogue
cats.
I'm not killing the cat to eatit.
I would remain fat because Iwould be able to fucking
(18:07):
probably get fatter yeah, Iwould get stronger and fatter
I'd be eating whole deer at atime.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
What the hell do you think you think you guys could
kill out in the, in the, in thewild?
Speaker 1 (18:17):
wouldn't it be good, instead of like, joining a gym
and just be like, yeah, I'mgoing on that night 60 days, no?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
shit.
60 days in Alaska.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I'm switching life with a farmer.
Speaker 3 (18:29):
I could see you, tony , going on naked and afraid and
quitting after seven daysbecause you can't kill shit.
Oh, I would quit, but theydon't give you a gun.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
I would quit most of that kind of shit.
Mosquito bites, dude, I can'tdeal with them.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
Oh my God, yeah, they do get ravaged with bites on
that show Completely there ain'tno way, completely so do you
think that I'm okay?
I'm not going to have a cophere and I'm going to call my
daughter?
Speaker 2 (18:52):
No, I'm sure there's no warrant.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
What crime did you commit?
Murder, murder, yeah.
You don't even know if it died.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Did anyone report this crime?
It?
Speaker 1 (19:04):
probably survived.
Were there any witnesses?
Definition of a crime requiressomeone to have witnessed it.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
No, no, there's no one around, no, no one witnessed
it.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
It was a wrongdoing that you performed, but it's not
a crime, it's not a wrongdoing.
Until someone says youcommitted a crime, you actually
haven't yet done it.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
What if I didn't see the person in a house binocular.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
So it might have been reported.
You might be on the loose for areported crime.
There's a small van.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
They didn't get my license plate because I haven't
got a call yet.
White van that's why I took apicture of it.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
White van says free candy on the side it does
actually.
Yeah, no, I think you're good,so then you just drove home like
nothing ever happened.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I haven't told anybody, and you haven't told.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
I had to let this out .
This is to myself right now andto you guys.
I'm waiting to tell my wife andI cannot, never, ever, I can
never tell my kids.
They would freak, they wouldprobably cry if I told them the
story they're probably nevergoing to look at you the same.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
They'd be like oh my God, Can you believe that dad?
Speaker 2 (20:14):
It's a murder.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Well, I'm definitely not letting them listen to this
episode.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
It was still moving.
You could have taken it to theveterinary.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
Dude, it was squished in a spot of its stomach where?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Yeah, but it might have only been five and six of
its lives.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
No, it was all nine of its lives that cat could have
lived successfully after it,costing you tens and tens of
thousands of dollars in awheeled chair that also cost
tens of thousands of dollarsthat you could have burdened
your life with and you droveaway.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
That's why your?
Speaker 1 (20:53):
kids and wife.
That's what your kids and wifeare going to be like.
They're not going to realizethat there was actually this big
burden that would have.
But you could have been.
They're going to be like Dadyou could have saved it.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
You could have been the hero.
I was thinking about putting inmy car and driving to an animal
hospital, leaving it at thefront door and taking off.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
I mean you lived with one third of a bathroom
situation because of the catsinitially.
Well, those ones, I wanted.
You must live in fear, likeAnne Frank, every day of your
life because of the illegalityof their existence within your
home.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
But you wouldn't do it for these cats, I'm telling
you man, this cat, you guysdon't understand the pain I've
gone through this weekend.
Jay, that cat probably had aname.
Yeah, you know what it's likeWhiskers or something.
I guess I didn't.
It was probably loved by achild Where's?
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Whiskers.
I didn't even think about ituntil now, but my friend at work
you know, Darren, might knowthis guy too, so you should ask.
He has a missing cat.
He's got a missing cat.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
What color?
Black and white, no silver.
I've seen the flyer.
I'm good there.
That's another thing too.
I took a picture.
Let's see the picture.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
I want to see the picture.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Show me the picture, do you?
Speaker 2 (22:16):
really got a picture of it.
Yeah, I do Give me the picture.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
For you people at home.
If Jay ever lets this episodeair, the picture will be the
thumbnail.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
Let's see the picture .
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
You should show him now.
Why wouldn't you show him now?
I don't want to see it becauseI'm not going to do something
like that.
I don't want to see it becauseI'm not going to do something
like that.
I don't really care.
All right, but I will put it upIf you actually let this thing
air, because I don't thinkyou're ever going to tell your
wife, because if you tell yourwife, she's going to tell your
kids no, she won't Fuck you, shewon't.
(22:55):
It's going to be talked about atChristmas dinner next year.
Dude, you, dude, you're fucked,you're completely wrecked.
You're wrecked, yeah, you're.
You committed no crime, but youhave lost.
You.
You've put a big l in front ofyou and now you haven't said it.
What are you gonna say?
It happened, so you let's.
I just see you.
I see you somehow fucking thisup where, like in three days,
(23:20):
you decide to tell your wife,but you're gonna tell your wife
by telling her that it happenedthat day, even though it
happened now a week and a halfago, and then, so it's gonna be
fine for a while.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
She's gonna ask you where it happened and then she's
gonna go back in your trackingand find this rotted cat dude,
what the fuck that is not athree hour old dead cat, and
then she's gonna wreck you thatout.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You're gonna fuck this up somehow now.
You should have said somethingright away.
You fucked this up.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
I heard you told, I heard you told your
father-in-law and he's so pissedhe's moving out.
It's black and silver spotted,with one long stripe going
across its back.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
Don't say it.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
That says Goodyear.
I can't believe that made yousad.
You hit it in the daylight no,that's a that's.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
That's the light of my camera let everybody know.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
I told you it was nighttime.
Let everybody know about howyou threw the collar in the
woods now he kept it as amemento if there was a shoebox
if there was a collar dude.
Oh, at least there wasn't acollar.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
No.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
That's why I said that's a human.
So no one owned that cat.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Okay, so wait, that cat owned that?
Let me ask you, no one ownedthat cat.
Let me ask you this guys, if ithad a collar?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
You collar your animals.
If it had a collar and it had anumber on it, then what would
you?
I would have called the personand say I murdered the cat.
Listen, you flipping idiot.
I just hit your freaking animalBecause you're so gosh darn.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Go to the corner of Pierce and Morgan, irresponsible
, there's a cat that has your.
Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
You have to yell at them.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
No, you call them and you say if you ever want to see
your candy, can come to thecorner of Fifth and Morgan.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
What if they ask me for a picture of it To make sure
it's still alive?
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Sending them ransom notes.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
It was a sad day.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
You hit Chris's mic way down.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, you turned me off.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
How the hell did that happen With a card?
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I don't know.
I don't think there was a crimecommitted.
You did flee the scene of anincident, but not a crime.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
It's not really an incident.
It's like what if I call?
I was thinking, what if I call911?
And they came out and theystarted to laugh at me.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
They would fine you If you called 911, they would
fine you.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Yeah, that's why I didn't do that.
Oh yeah, when they were done,laughing.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
But you could have called like animal control, they
could have came out.
You could have called thehighway department to clean up
the mess.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
I guess I could Google that number.
I don't know that number.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
You made some dude $5 , because people get like $5 a
carcass when they go collectthem on the road.
Are you?
Speaker 3 (26:26):
serious, yeah.
What do they do with them?
Then?
Put them in chicken nuggets forMcDonald's.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
They go, turn them in , throw them in a dump.
You definitely should have.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
I mean, I guess they're not telling.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
The right answer is you do nothing.
You're already fucked up bystopping.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
It's so stupid.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Why the fuck would you stop?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
You knew it wasn't human.
Right If you know it wasn'thuman.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Once you confirm it's not a child, you fucking keep
driving.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
Well, I had to stop to confirm that.
I told you it was black, wentquick and da-dun-da-dun.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
I guess if it would have freaked me out enough I
probably would have stopped.
If it was substantial enoughunknowns I would have stopped to
find out.
But if I knew for sure it waslike dang, that was some animal,
I would have just kept drivingand I probably would have woke
my wife up when I got home Icouldn't wait to tell her.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Oh dude, I don't think.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I'd ever tell her I'd have woke the kids up.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Everybody Show her the picture.
You want to hear what your daddid today.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Check this picture out.
Should I print that picture offUp?
Speaker 1 (27:32):
This might be a whole different episode.
But why wouldn't you tell yourwife?
Speaker 3 (27:39):
I'm still like like recovering from the sadness.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
He's in trauma.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
He has been leaving clues.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
You're in trauma.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Every time I see a cat on the show, I start crying
or watching something what'swrong?
Speaker 1 (27:53):
I'll tell you in a week you should find an old
episode from an old sitcom whenthey used to be on TV and need
episodes about one where the guyhit a cat or something and then
paused it and be like turn toyour wife.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
I remember this one time.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Honey, there's something I needed to tell you.
I don't know how.
A movie about a cat gettingmurdered.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
This episode helped me.
Maybe on YouTube you can find asupport video for people who
have killed animals on the roadand show it to her and just tell
her this is what I'm dealingwith maybe there's, maybe
there's a facebook page forpeople that have incidentally
harmed cats any animal any well,again, it's a, it's a house
(28:35):
animal, it's a.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
It's a pet.
You don't know that that thingwas in the house.
You have no idea.
It's probably a farm cat.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
In retrospect.
It is a house animal.
It is not like if I had a deer.
No, it's not.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
They started as wild animals.
Every animal started as wildanimals, Exactly and people have
decided to make them houseanimals.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
This cat was never a wild animal.
This cat was probably someone'shouse cat but it got left in
that field you're talking about.
They abandoned it.
That cat had no collar.
No one owned it.
That's my stance.
If you don't collar or brandyour animal so that it can be
(29:19):
identified as yours, it's notyours.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
It's not your animal.
It's probably because it's beenso cold out.
It's probably like a frozenbody and it's frozen to the
cement.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
You haven't driven past no.
You're afraid to go back to thescene of the crime.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
I take 10 minutes detours.
Just not take that road everagain.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Interesting.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
Ever.
I'll never go down that road.
I murdered something on thatroad scene of a crime.
Huh.
Have you ever done anythingwhere you just could not drive
on a road?
No, never I have.
I'm murdered murder road.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
It's called murder road now from here on out yeah
well, I can't wait to hear theconclusion of this, when you
finally break down and decide totell your family of your?
Speaker 3 (30:02):
Oh shit, I thought you were talking about when I'm
finally caught and put in jail.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
There's no way you could be jailed in any form or
fashion.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
It's hit and run.
No, you didn't hit and run.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
You hit and stopped.
For fuck's sake, no one wasthere.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
On another note, with the way Netflix has been
putting stuff out, you'reeligible for your own
documentary.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
This one is a story.
Don't fuck with cats.
Oh man, Remember that one.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
It's just going to be a montage of different scenes
of Jace sitting in a bathtubwith no water, no clothes,
shivering, crying, no, no.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
Reaching up to heaven .
No it.
It's gonna have close-up shotsof me and there's gonna be tears
running down my eyes and I'mgonna have a really sad and it's
just gonna be like a plinkleboard going through all your
strands of hair.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
It's a little zigzag, a plinkle board.
Speaker 3 (30:56):
My hair is no, my hair, my just.
The hair just doesn't get wet.
It would just be on top of myhair, falling out.
I can't make it to your skin.
Yeah, a plinko board, oh fuckthe tear that was never felt.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Maybe that'll be the name of the documentary what in
the world?
Speaker 3 (31:19):
how do you come up with these names?
It's a pretty good name yeahlike I had no idea what doc I
would watch that documentary.
I wouldn't reading the name.
I'd be like what is this about?
Speaker 2 (31:30):
it would be something totally different than what it
sounds like a tear never feltthe fucked up thing is when
netflix would make you run overa second cat so they can have
footage we don't have much inthe budget.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
We got no room for ai .
Speaker 2 (31:49):
We're gonna need you to do that again they'd be like
all right, we got these 10 cats.
Which one looks the most likethe cat?
Rank them in order, in case youmiss the first couple.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
I imagine the guy off off scene, off off camera,
who's throwing the cats out likethis you guys are terrible,
throwing it out like a spikestrip.
We gotta do it again.
We missed them.
Cat rolled under it.
I gotta throw.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
We need a new cat boss they got a little one wheel
ramp so that when he hits itthe fucking van turns over on
its side we're gonna need it.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Nope, the tossing the cat's not working.
We're gonna have to do the pullit by a string method from the
other side.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Rig it up you guys are psychos.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
I don't know why I'm laughing I can't wait for the
tear that never was.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
Wasn't that the tear that?
Speaker 1 (32:49):
was never felt.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Documentary and you know how when they do shit with
animals, they always put thedisclosure at the beginning or
the end.
No cats were harmed in themaking.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
They can't do it.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
They would have to do it for years.
Like only seven cats wereharmed for the making of this
movie, they can't do it for thisone.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
They would have to do it for years Like only seven
cats were harmed for the makingof this documentary.
No, it'd be a slow motion oversome hip-hop music, like the end
of every movie Black and whitefilm.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Oh, I can't wait till we have more stories about
killing kittens.
You are terrible.
It wasn't a kitten.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
It was a cat.
More stories about killingkittens.
You are terrible.
It wasn't a kitten, it was acat.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
So I ran over this box the other day, filled with
kittens to the brim.
Oh my God, he's sick.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
Everyone's going to hate so many dead kittens.
You're going to have fun.
People are going to hate you.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
This is Tony talking right now.
Remember guys.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Jay and Chris don't agree with tony wauwatosa
wisconsin, come see me so, in aworld that shuns the
uncomfortable, we embrace itwith open arms and open laughs,
with our candid narrativesaround our stories.
We can assure you thatawkwardness is a shared human
experience.
So remember, every tuesday,come listen to our podcast Top
(34:02):
Shelf Stories.
Why'd the music stop?
Great slam poetry.
You like that?
That was pretty good.
Memorize that, shit, guys.
Alright, see you later.
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Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.