July 15, 2025 • 44 mins
Tony recounts his recent three-day spa retreat celebrating his 24th wedding anniversary with his wife. The experience was filled with unexpected moments, awkward encounters, and surprising revelations about luxury pampering.
• Confusion about spa dress code leads Tony to wear only a robe with nothing underneath
• First-time facial experience with a specialist named after Tony's teenage crush (Topanga from Boy Meets World)
• Luxurious hotel room with balcony where Tony vaped despite strict no-smoking policies
• Security cameras potentially capturing Tony's naked balcony relaxation sessions
• Debate about massage preferences – Tony explains why he prefers Asian massage therapists over white ones
• Shock at spa pricing – basic services around $210-$230 with mandatory 20% gratuity plus expected additional tips
• Tony's revelation about his monthly pedicure habit and relationship with his pedicurist Lili
• Detailed description of hangnail removal process that sparked debate among hosts
• Stealing a spa robe as a souvenir from the expensive weekend getaway
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony hey
(00:35):
fellas, when was the last timeyou were complete and utterly
pampered?
Speaker 1 (00:37):
never had to tell pampered, pampered we're talking
the full scale, talkingfingernails, toenails we're
talking the full scale, talkingfingernails, toenails, I would
say at least a decade ago I was.
I got like a full, like twohour, three hour massage and it
was like from stepping in thedoor you would do like a glass
(00:58):
of water here's, we'll take yourcoat and this and then the
other thing and smelled nice andthat kind of stuff.
But then it was just a regularmassage and then like a relaxing
room and then, get dressedagain or whatever, out of the
robe and then you're on your way, but not.
I don't know if that's fullpampered.
I would say just for partnerpoints with my wife that she
(01:20):
pampers me every day.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
So besides that, of course, I got a couple of
massages.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
My life okay, so I, uh, I recently celebrated an
anniversary and and this was abig one, boys, this was the one
that most couples strive fornever, never, make 11?
, 24.
For real, 24 years.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
You've been married for 24 years 24 years Holy crap
dude, Don't you usually strivefor an odd number like 25, 20,
30?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Yeah, 24 is a weird gap, but let's just focus on
this.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
That's half your life .
Every year is a milestone year.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
You passed the half your life.
You've been married already,wow years ago I wouldn't change
it, man.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I'm married to a down-ass bitch, it's good to
hear, but, man, that's insanityso.
So my lady said she wanted todo something special for us,
right?
So I'm like just open yourmouth and we're just gonna keep
this nice and simple and I'mlike I don't want much, just uh,
(02:39):
but uh, she scheduled athree-day spa retreat.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
So this is without your knowledge.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
I knew it was happening.
I didn't know what was allinvolved in it, so it was a
surprise.
So I'm not going to say thename of the place, because
things happened.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I think you said it on previous episodes anyways, or
maybe later episodes that youmight hear at home, depending on
when they're released.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Who knows, who knows.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
You donated some shit .
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We woke up early and drove to the places about two
hours away.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Anyone who knows where we are knows exactly where
that is.
Jay says it's about eight hoursaway.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
I think Jay's like it's a two-day drive.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
I was thinking, yeah, it's like across the country,
right.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
But we wake up early and we head down there and she
goes before we can check intoour room.
I have a facial scheduled forus.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Wait have a facial for you both.
How can you do a?
Speaker 2 (03:50):
facial with the beard like cucumbers over the eyes,
rubbing in your bro I went in,and such I went in with no
expectations so get botox, orshould we wait for that part?
So we get there and they takeus.
They take us individually intoour, into locker rooms and they
(04:11):
go.
Your locker number is 29 I.
They give me a little card.
I go find locker 29.
I open it up.
There's a robe and a pair offlip-flops in it.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Do you go back and be like someone forgot their stuff
in my locker?
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Just so you know.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
I think you gave me the wrong locker number.
Do you know it was for you?
Speaker 3 (04:34):
It was like paper thin robe.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Oh no.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Oh no, and dissolvable slippers.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
These were like the softest winter coats that went
down to your ankles.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Like you thought you were dry from drying yourself
off from your shower thatmorning, but when you put that
robe on you realized there wasstill some absorption available
to dry off.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
They were crazy robes , Crazy enough that there are
signs everywhere saying do notsteal our robes, they're
available for purchase in thegift shop.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Well, you got to purchase a used one, so you're
basically using all these usedrobes.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Yeah, I thought they gave you new ones each time and
the robes are like 200 bucks inthe gift shop.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Jesus.
So that means they're like $60robes Easily.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Which is a crazy amount of money by itself for a
robe, because who the fuck wearsrobes, right?
So I go in the locker room, Iget, I get buck naked and put
this robe on.
So are you the?
only one in this locker room andI'm walking around and I get
out of the locker room and, uh,you know they're explaining to
us the spiel.
Like when you're staying here,everybody lives in these robes.
(05:48):
Like you go to the restaurant,everybody in the restaurant is
in this robe.
You go here, everybody's nobodytakes these robes off.
They're on all the time.
Why?
Speaker 3 (06:01):
so do the workers wear them too, to make you guys
feel more comfortable?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
oh, no, no no, they got very, very specific uniforms
um, but you're just freeballing under this thing all day
getting salad well, you'reeating soup.
Here's the thing.
When I get out of the lockerroom and I start looking at
other people in the area thatwe're not you realize they're
wearing clothes I'm the only onewho's butt naked.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Oh, boy, I was going to say there's probably pubes
everywhere.
The lady probably knew.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
She probably knew, when she saw you, that your
little dinghy was poking alittle bit too much and she's
like, just so you know.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Wait, did you say you have a two-pound stake for me?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, so when we get out of the locker room, they
take us into this meditationroom.
So you didn't go back and puton your skivvies.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
You're like, all right, oh no I like.
I mean, you're already naked bro, when I commit to something, I
see it through, all right.
So I go, I go into thismeditation room waiting.
They're.
They're like you're, you'refaceologist, or whatever the
fuck fancy name they got forthem.
They're gonna come in.
They're.
They're like your, yourfaceologist, or whatever the
fuck fancy name they got forthem.
They're gonna come in, they'regonna call your name.
So we go into this room andit's just me and my wife in this
(07:12):
room and there's all thesefucking like nice relaxing, like
almost beds kind of chairs,like books, everywhere.
You're not allowed to have yourphone on you anywhere anywhere I
know this, my, and actually itsays that you're not supposed to
have your phone in your room.
But fuck that.
(07:32):
Um, so we're waiting in thisroom and I'm just sitting
fucking all sprawled out on thiscouch, balls just dangling, and
then people start tricklinginto this room and this room
gets really full of people uh,also getting services.
So the the time comes, it'slike whatever one o'clock there,
(07:57):
there's a big clock on the wall, big digital clock, and as soon
as it hits one o'clock, like 20people walk out from the back
and just start calling names allat the same time, which made it
really awesome to figure outwhich one of these people called
your name oh sure so, uh, thefaceologist, or whatever they're
(08:22):
called, who called me her, shewas this pretty little thing.
You, okay, chris, it's funny.
It's funny, uh, this prettylittle thing that came out and
called my name happened to benamed the person I probably
masturbated to the most in mylife.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Carmen Electra no.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Michelle Pfeiffer no.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Pamela.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
No, cindy Crawford.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Topanga, topanga.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I remember he's been married since he was like 12
years old, oh, wait, that's fromBoy Rules World, isn't it?
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Boy Meets World.
Boy Meets World.
Topanga, okay, topanga, okay,topanga.
I was trying to figure outwhere the fuck you're talking.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
I guess we should give the audience some context.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
The hottest person in my age group at the time.
Whoever walked the fuckingplanet?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
When was that shit on TV?
That's the 90s dude.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
That's the 90s, early 90s, that's 89, no 94, okay,
maybe, yeah, anyway, topangafrom panga come, gets me out and
she's like are you ready foryour facial or not?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
does she look just like her, the topanga girl?
Then they're not far off.
First episode 1993, inseptember last episode, may 5th
2000, so it ran for seven years.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
You guys are way off daniel fishel and ben savage so
we're walking back to our uhtreatment room what they call it
and uh, we're walking and she'sshe's trying to make small talk
with me and she's like have youever had a facial before?
(10:09):
I said no, actually I haven't.
You're like what does that mean?
Speaker 1 (10:13):
like when you're my wife sits on my face she's like.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
She's like well, uh, you know you're gonna have a
great time.
It's gonna be very relaxing.
It relaxing it's actually.
It's going to be wonderful foryou.
I'm glad I'm the first one toever give you a facial and I'm
like okay.
So when I hear facial I'm likeanytime I've Googled like woman
gets facial.
It's been a very differentsituation.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
You have to like click an okay button that says
you're 18 or older.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So we get in the room you think you're going to get
calmed down or something andshe's like de-robe, what?
And go on the bed there and I'mlike, oh, you don't want me on
my knees, Like I thought thiswas going to be very different.
What do?
You mean de-robe, like in frontof her.
You're butt naked.
She's like we're gonna leavethe room.
Oh, michelle, michelle's in thesame room as me.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Oh, it's like couples is she butt naked too, or did
she actually put?
Speaker 2 (11:09):
clothes like fucking loser, swimsuit or clothes
clothes like your jeans.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
She's in jeans under there.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
So when you both take your robes off, she looked at
you and she's like why the fuckaren't you wearing clothes?
Tony, I said I came to play.
This is a facial.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
There's no phones, no one's going to take a picture,
only the sauna is going to havethe video.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Only the hundreds of surveillance cameras.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Of cameras in there.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
They only have cameras in the facial rooms.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Tony walks out in this robe but also inside of a
black taped bubble.
It's black taped.
I'm just blocking the cameraslike I do at home.
It's not most comfortable.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I got a can of.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Krylon with me.
I had a delay.
Laugh, Chris, because it tookme a second to figure out what
the fuck you're talking aboutyeah, I'm wearing the robe in
here.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing the robe in here.
Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing therobe.
I don't have anything else onand I'm in the.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
So I laid down on the bed, face up, like she asks me
to, and she comes in and shetells me she goes.
This is going to be, this isgoing to be a wonderful
experience.
She's like I'm going to startwith your shoulders and then I'm
going to move down to your feetHow's that?
(12:28):
A facial?
And then, and then we're goingto get to work on your face.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
And uh, cause he must be relaxed.
So they relax your body, sothat your face is relaxed.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Oh my, God dude, it was wonderful, Okay, and we got
all done and I mean I fuckingsmell great.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
I feel 10 years younger, Like it was fucking
great it didn't last long,because your face looks the same
.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
It lasted an entire hour, which was not nearly
enough time for this.
And my wife sits up when she'sdone and she's like so what'd
you think?
Wife sits up when she's doneand she's like, so what'd you
think?
And I said I don't understandhow you don't have one of these
scheduled every week of yourlife.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
This is fucking amazing how so you described
your girl.
How was your wife's girl?
Guy was she?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I don't even remember anybody else being in the room
only you and topanga it was justme and topanga eyes with your
eyes open just staring at her ohintensely.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I loved you.
In boy meets world, it wasyou're so great.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I thought you would have made more money where you
didn't have to do this shit.
But uh, we throw, we throw ourrobes back on, bounce out of
there and check into our hotelroom.
And this hotel, this hotel room, was fucking wonderful yeah it
was like two rooms.
(13:59):
There's like a living room, abedroom.
The bathroom was fuckingenormous.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
This is all three days of uh, sun or um spa
experience.
Yeah, there's like no, is therelike drinking involved?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
danielle official, the topanga is worth four
million dollars that doesn'tseem like a celebrity they must
not have her nft and cryptofactored into that network.
Maybe not, but yeah.
So we go into our hotel room,which is wonderful, but they
(14:35):
have a strict no vaping policy.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Or smoking, or smoking, or cellular phones.
Do they have alcohol therethough?
Speaker 2 (14:44):
On their entire grounds.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
They get you drunk though.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Right, it is an option.
It's not a cheap option butit's an option.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Going back to the vaping, that didn't stop you.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Oh hell.
No, I vaped before.
The door was actually all theway closed.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Your vape is a really small nicotine nick yeah it's a
little puff vape.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
It doesn't really produce a large when I try to
hide my yeah, my puff, I kind oflike inhale it and swallow it
into my body and let it absorbinto my muscles that I don't
have.
That's insane, and it justeventually comes out as nothing.
You just gotta keep it in longlike you take a big hit but I'm
in, but I'm in a private hotelroom.
(15:29):
I'm like I got nothing to worryabout yeah, but until they come
here and smelled strawberriesand fucking his doesn't smell
like that, it's just like alittle what?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
yeah, I don't have like watermelon douche like you
do, oh, okay yours is like ajewel.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Yeah, basically like a jewel.
I used to have one that smelledreally bad because it was
tobacco flavored and everybodyused to think I just farted all
day long it smelled like shit.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
So we had a screened-in balcony and I spent
a fair amount of time of myweekend on this screened in
balcony that had like a halfwall in it, sure, but butt naked
sitting on the couch.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
Just, I mean, I was, I was dickout most of this vacation.
(16:17):
It is refreshing you was not anudist.
Did your colony, though, butyou were just nude but I'm like
outside, butt naked, standing atthe half wall overlooking the
pool.
Nobody can see what's going on,waist down, fair enough.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
So what happens to your dick when it's out in the
open for that long?
Because nowadays, human beingsnever have their dick exposed
unless they're in or out of theshower or taking a shit.
Yeah, no, it was great, but didit dry out and my skin is
incredibly white, from aboutmid-thigh to my waist.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
My butt is glowing at night.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
I feel like if you left your dick out for too long,
it'd start shriveling up.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
No, it'd probably get sunburned if you were in the
sun.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
No, even if you were in the sun Almost instantly.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Why do you think it would shrivel up?
It'd probably just want to keeprunning out free like a snake.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
It'd be like a plum turning into.
What do they turn into whenthey dry out?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
No support.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
I did notice, my balls got extremely long.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Tony's like damn it it.
Something keeps hitting mythighs, that sounds, it sounds
good it was great, so I threw.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
We got back up in the room.
You know they give you adifferent robe in the room.
Shit, you got two robes so youhad to leave.
They give you a gray robe inthe locker room, but the white
robe in your room doesn't hidenothing, signifies that you're a
guest.
Oh, and you're not just therefor, like, day spa services.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Dude, I can just see you eating with that white robe
on.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Cause I was.
That's your check-in robe.
Once you've checked in, you gotthat robe.
Was it the same style and feel,or was it?
Speaker 2 (18:04):
better.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
It was a little bit better Get out of here Cause it
was different color.
Better like get out of herebecause it was different color
it was this velvet pocket I'm ina pocket in a robe yeah, no, it
was fucking great.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
So I'm out on the balcony about a day and a half
into this trip and I look up andI notice that there's a camera
looking right onto my balcony.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
The whole time.
Yeah, like one of the.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
The bubble cams, oh, and I'm like, oh, I wonder if
that's only looking at the poolor if it's looking at me vaping
on my sun porch butt naked.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
Definitely looking at you vaping.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Poor security guy is like fuck, like fuck not again.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
This guy is out there .
I think that actually helps youand kept you from getting in
trouble, as you were naked.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Yeah, like fuck or when they try to charge me the
cleaning fee for the vape smokeand I can go show me the footage
we deleted it.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Well, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
That shouldn't be.
That should be private areas,sort of it's outside Are you on
the first floor or second floorSecond floor.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
It's outside in the balcony, it's not inside.
You can have cameras outsideeverywhere, it's security.
Or someone breaks into yourfucking balcony, tries to break
it into your room.
They can't because of thescreen.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
And the little lock that you use on the screen.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
No, there's no like entrance it never works.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Yeah well, okay so, but then we had, uh, we had a
massage and uh, I mean it wasgood.
I, if I'm gonna be honest withyou, I much prefer asians over
white people have you had these?
Speaker 1 (19:53):
type of services performed by what you want the
in asian person yeah and youprefer the technique in some
fashion, so it can't be everywhite and every asian so you're
generalized.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Here's the thing whenever I get a massage by a
white okay, go on, have you gota massage by a black.
Whenever I get massaged by awhite, I always feel like it's a
little it's a little lazy it's.
It's a little like it's alittle lazy.
(20:28):
It's a little softer than Ineed it to be.
It's a little bit more likethey're trying to make you relax
rather than working knots outof you.
Okay, and they're alwaysoverpriced, those whites they be
fucking charging.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
So basically, you don't want something to talk to?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
you go see an asian and for 60 you're getting
fucking elbows, fucking feet,beating the shit out of you and
you feel terrible when you leave, but for the next three days
you feel amazing well, I don'tthink you're gonna find and
maybe you will, but an asiannamed topanga well, topanga only
(21:11):
does face shit.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
She doesn't do full body she's like what did you say
?
A faceologist faceologist so doyou think that topanga was her
real name, or do you thinkthat's like her stripper name?
Hairdresser name like at home.
She hears the word topanga andshe looks, but she knows it's
not for her because her name isheather yeah, topanga is not a
(21:37):
not a popular name.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I think that would be really weird yeah, but I'm
gonna you know the the maindifferences with white people.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
massages this comes from a guy whose name is one
letter.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Jay, they do in fact, smell better.
White people really care aboutthe scents, where Asians just
smell like fucking baby oil.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
That's it.
I thought you were going to sayfish or something.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
No, there's no sense, I think you're going to
different type of places, though, so is this the first white
massage you've ever gotten.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I've gotten dozens of each, so you get treated all
the time.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
No, I do massage a lot, so you don't see color when
it comes to't see color.
I think it's the only way I'mable to still walk I what you
don't see color when it comes tomassage.
No I see color a lot and Iprefer yellow so we're getting
back to business around here Ineed an applause for that one
(22:51):
Wait that's the wrong one.
No, when I see a white come outand call my name out of the room
, I'm like God damn it.
It's all right, man, maybe I'llfind the right white one,
you're like when they say yourname Anthony, and they really
can say that Thinny part, you'relike they say your name anthony
(23:12):
, and they really can say thattony part.
You're like anthony, but uhyeah, so that was wonderful.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
We went and celebrated at at the uh, at the
spa's restaurant, which I wasn'texpecting much because I'm like
it's just a little well, I'mwondering though, like when you
were checking out, was therelike the big beefy security guy,
like peeking around the cornerof the checkout counter, kind of
looking at you like, hey,trying to catch your attention,
(23:42):
like he saw you on the cameras?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
nope, it's like none of that, it's all.
It's all pretty young womenthat work there.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
So were you worried that you might get called out?
Hey, I'm sorry, but we saw youvaping naked on the camera.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Actually I wasn't.
I wasn't worried about it atall, but I stopped vaping on the
balcony as soon as I seen thecamera.
Really, you stopped?
Yeah, I just went into theliving room and vaped, so I was
trying to be considerate andonly vape outside technically,
yeah, that seems like you shouldhave just kept.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
Well, maybe okay so maybe you can smoke outside.
Why can't you vape out?
Speaker 1 (24:18):
not on their property .
Speaker 3 (24:20):
Fuck out of here.
That's fucking ridiculous.
You're paying premier dollar toget a face massages from
Topanga.
You expect to do what you wantto do when you can do it.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Yeah, but Topanga's other clients are like this.
Guy smells like freakingcigarettes and I came here to
quit smoking and get a facial.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
But we already discussed that his doesn't smell
at all.
Vapes don't smell, and if theydo, you usually smell very
fruity.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
There's only one good faceologist in this state and,
pray to heavens, it's anon-smoking environment and I
intend to help keep it that way.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
this sir was smoking vapes on his balcony without his
shorts on can we, can I, uh,can I ask how much this ran you?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
you don't want is that you don't even want to know
?
Speaker 3 (25:06):
dude, my wife, it's not yet it's super important
because I always want to know.
So what's?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
maybe I want to do that.
What's funny is, leading up toit, my wife's like well, we got
to go online and we got to bookall our services and I so this
is where, like men and women'sbrains are are a little
different, because the timingpart I I would.
I would totally be like okay, Irented the spa, the spa room,
(25:33):
so when I get there and check in, I'm gonna book all my services
right away, like you shouldn'thave to pre-plan a month in
advance, and and there shouldnever be a time when but there's
only so many faceologists andif they need to bring another
one in for that weekend and youknow, the thing is is I feel
(25:54):
like when you're staying there,they should be like okay, mr
Kavanaugh, we have a couplelow-life fucking day spars that
are just coming here for theafternoon to get a faceologist
appointment.
We're going to actually bumpthem, them.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Oh.
That's a terrible businessmodel.
There's no way either that theyall would have been ready right
at one o'clock to yell your,all your names at the same time
if they hadn't scheduled thatshit six months in advance you
know, I just I'm saying.
This is why having a wife is agood thing, because she planned
ahead Right, so she's like soyou didn't get stuck with, like
(26:34):
the mud rub or some other bullcrap thing that they just was
like sorry, that's all sold out.
Sorry, that's all.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
You get to go on a balloon ride.
So my wife hit me up a coupleof weeks ago and she's like, we
got to, we got to lock down allthese appointments for the spa
services.
And I'm like, okay, cool, andshe goes.
Well, what do you all want todo?
And I said I don't know.
We're there for three days likeschedule one, everything like
that's what makes sense to me,right like we're there, there's
(27:03):
not shit else to do, we don'thave phones like at a water park
you go down every water slidethere's no water park.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
There's no, it's like a water park where you will go
down every water slide if youcould.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Oh right, you could have your phone only in your
room, right?
Speaker 2 (27:18):
you weren't allowed to have the phone in your room,
but they can't really stop youokay, they can, they'll bust
down that door all right yeah,you had the phone but.
But people were at check-inlike turning their phones into
the front desk fuck that yeah, Iwas like no, thank you, I need
to check my sports app but youknow, I'm like.
I tell her I'm like this is,this is a very special.
(27:41):
I mean, everybody knows 24years, fuck, that's like the
pinnacle of marriage it's onemore year to 25.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Yeah, exactly, yeah, that's the number.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
So I'm like I'm like baby girl, just schedule one of
everything.
And she's like, well, I thinkyou're gonna want to look
through this list before youtell me that I'm like, all right
, cool so wait, when you look ata list, you get to see the
pictures of the faces of thepeople yeah, no, I picked them
based solely on how do you thinkit's a chinese restaurant or
you just get to look at the?
Picture menu.
Can I get a?
Speaker 1 (28:11):
picture menu.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
Please, I'll take a c11.
This is a full out massageparlor.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Yes, so she starts by going on the massage and it's
like 60 minute massage.
You know, pick out one of ninedifferent massage packages we
got and you know I look at thefirst one and I'm like, oh okay,
cool cbd massage.
I'm like that sounds wonderful,get that one.
And then I look at the priceand it's 230 and I'm like for
(28:40):
both of us she's like no a piece.
And I'm like 230 said let's do.
They got just a C, not a CBD,damn.
And we go down and their basicmassage is like $210.
Jesus Christ, for an hour.
An hour, it's not even 90minutes, no, it's an hour.
(29:01):
And I'm like, oh, that's pricey.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
I might want to look through this list before I tell
you to just schedule one ofeverything.
I thought that if you buy likea package deal, you get a
certain amount of massages withit.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
No.
Speaker 3 (29:14):
No what you do?
Speaker 1 (29:15):
you turn your money into coupons, and then the
coupons will earn you massagetherapy sessions.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Holy fuck, dude you probably spent like five grand
there.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
No, not quite, but then I start looking through
others.
Could you?
Speaker 1 (29:28):
imagine sleeping through one of your appointments
because you're relaxed.
That's what you're supposed todo.
God damn thigh thunder, massageor whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
And then not only that, but everything in the
entire place gluten-free isvegan allergy free?
Uh, totally vegan.
They got dried apricot stationsevery fucking 20 feet.
Is it really no meat?
No, there's meat at therestaurant.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
You're fucking with me, but uh, yeah, I think they
have dried fucking meat outside.
What do you?
Speaker 2 (30:02):
every come out.
Every single, every single,everything in this place.
Like you say, every single,everything in this place.
I, like you say, every single,everything, has a 20% gratuity
attached to it.
Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
On top of the printed price on the screen.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
On top of the printed price and then they all Also
expect another tip on top.
They all do Every bartender,god dang.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
They're like you have to close your tab out.
And I'm like I got in kind ofan argument with this dude from
Turkey and I'm like yo, I don'thave to close my tab out, you
can just close it out.
And he's like well, but you canadd tip.
And I said I don't need to addtip.
You guys already did that forme.
I'm like regardless of whetheryou gave me great service or
(30:45):
terrible service, I have to tipyou.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
Regardless of whether you gave me a great service or
terrible service, I have to tipyou.
That's what happens at thecruise ships, and then no one
tips extra like ever.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Yeah, I'm like Sometimes, I guess if you want
the guy to come back.
I'm like your drinks arefucking $20.
Sure, I'm tipping you $4 perdrink.
So every time I come up andorder two fucking whatever the
fuck your signature drink isbecause everything at this place
was their signature thing.
They had over 200 items thatwere their signature item Jesus
(31:15):
Available in the gift shop.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Mix available in the gift shop.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
So if you go up and you order their signature vodka
cranberry, you order two of them.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
I've tipped him $8 for making these two, and then
you're supposed to put in sixbucks more.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
And then he hands you , like a little begging puppy
dog, he hands you a little thingthat says additional tip and I
wrote zero on so many of them,cards Like so many, actually all
of them, until it was Topanga'sturn.
No, Topanga got an extra hundo.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
But, they did at least go through the effort of
printing you off a piece ofpaper instead of just flipping
an iPad or having you sign yourfinger on their phone.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
And after the first day, michelle was very much so
worried about closing her tabsout and I'm like, don't worry.
I'm like we're not closing themout, they're going to leave
them open.
They're going to close them outand they're not going to
fucking stand there and try toshame you into giving them more
(32:19):
money.
I'm like just fucking leave itopen and they'll close it out,
trust me.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Well, did you get like 84 credit card charges on
your thing, or did you get onebig?
Speaker 2 (32:31):
one, one big one, it all goes to the room.
Yeah, so you're closing it tothe room.
You're closing it to the room.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
You're closing it because, uh, that's their
opportunity to get the tip,another tip, so makes sense.
I mean, if you want extra money, why wouldn't you?
Speaker 2 (32:47):
but I start going through this list of spa
services, picking out what whatwe're gonna get, and, uh, we
landed on just the massage andthe facial because I thought 240
dollars for an hour of grouptouching a rock and chanting was
just a little too rich for mydad what was the name of that,
(33:10):
uh, touching a rock whilechanting that is the name of it,
like they had so many differentthings, they had like a 150
group yoga, like the wildestshit.
And I'm like, yeah, we'll juststick with the massage and
facial.
And uh, she's like, well, doyou want to get, you know,
(33:31):
pedicures and shit.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
And I'm like, well, I , I already go get a pedicure
once a month so like I whichone's the, that's the, that's
the foot, right, yeah, okay, whythe fuck you?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
get feet, I get.
I pay lily 60 dollars everymonth for my pedicure ready.
I'm like I'm not gonna pay somewhite chick who's gonna do a
half-assed job on my nails andleave you with smell like french
vanilla 230 dollars for apedicure how long does a
pedicure pedicure take for a man, for?
Speaker 1 (34:04):
you for me, my feet are probably taking an hour lily
spends an hour 20 on me oh mygod what the fuck is she doing
to your feet?
What do you guys talk about?
Speaker 2 (34:16):
what the fuck I?
I sit on facebook while shegoes to work on me what?
Speaker 3 (34:24):
I've never even seen you without shoes on.
What's the point?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
uh, I get hangnails real bad, so she cuts them out.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
That takes an hour and a half.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Yeah, for her to get all of them, yeah, so you're
telling me you maintain thislawn that's down there by
spending money and havingsomeone take care of them every
month yeah.
But you're having problemswhere you're getting hangnails.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
No, that's why he does it to to not have, do you
think?
Speaker 1 (34:55):
that they're creating the fucking problem.
It's like a dope dealer gettingyou hooked in your back.
So look, she's like this idiot,anthony.
She tells all her friends I'mcutting it See how my nail.
That's your hand, though.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
I know it grows in and then it curves in and I
can't cut them out on my feet.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
Chris's explanation is your body works itself out,
so if you're having someone dosomething to your body once a
month.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Yeah, maybe you just need to let your toes grow for a
little while and they'llflatten out out there, let them
fucking speed number one, dude.
I don't know when the last timeI got mine done, but I ain't
got no hangnails, you can telldude.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
I can't believe you're in there for me right now
.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
I got camping foot.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
Dude, I get pissed when my toenails get too long
and they cut through my newsocks.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
It pisses me off.
I don't wear socks like ever,except for to work.
Do you need a couple pairs?
I got like 60, 100.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Donate them to the homeless Dude that's crazy Once
a month.
Do you ever do manicures?
No, never.
Never done a manicure but dopedicures.
Is that like a thing for dudes?
Is that just we do pedicuresbut not manicures?
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
There's always fucking dudes in my nail salon.
Who got you?
Speaker 3 (36:09):
into the pedicure.
I did Wait.
Am I saying right, pedicure,pedicure and pedicure?
I can't fucking.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
It's pedicure.
I got myself into it, Iactually, and I found Lili after
like going through like 20people, lili.
What if Lili changes joints?
Dude, if Lili gets deported?
I'm fucked.
Speaker 3 (36:29):
I guarantee you're not even pronouncing her name,
right.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
It is, it's L-I-L-I.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Did she her name right?
It is, it's l-i-l-i.
Did you say that's a lie?
Speaker 2 (36:41):
lie, her name is fucking heather, that's her nail
salon name that's a good one,chris that's a good one, but uh,
every time I go in there therethere's several dudes in there
getting pedicures.
I've never seen one gettingtheir hands done, though.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
Dude, I don't know you bros just sit around
drinking your seltzer waterswith cucumber checking like, did
you guys see?
The sports game Bryce Dude, Idon't even know about sports.
They don't talk about sports.
They talk about fucking fashion.
Listen to me.
You see a new fucking shirtcome out this week from fucking
yes.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
So here's what happens beautiful, I get home
from work, I'm like thishangnail starting to bother me.
I call, I call silver nails,and I go hey, I need to make an
appointment with lily.
And they go for when?
And I said for right now?
And they go can you be here in10 minutes?
(37:37):
And I said absolutely.
I hang up the phone, I get inmy car, I drive there, I text
Michelle, who's already callingme going where did you just
leave to?
And I go.
I'm running to Silver Nails.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
I'll be back in an hour and a half.
You go there more than she does, guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
I do over nails.
It's an emergency.
You go there more than she doesguarantee I do see my lily.
Speaker 2 (37:57):
I go there twice as much as she does and, uh, and as
a matter of fact, she won't useanybody but lily anymore.
Lily is the shit when it comesto fucked up toes.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
I you know I have to travel out to the lake country
to find this lilyili enjoys itmore than I do.
She enjoys it more, See that'sthe thing you want to see
somebody who's going to work onyou and not remind you that
they're getting paid for it.
It's like they want to do it.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
So she cuts my hangnails out, and she always
has a look on her face like oh,I got a good one, anthony.
Speaker 1 (38:34):
Listen, dude, she cuts them nails out and she
always has a look on her face,oh I got a good one, anthony,
listen dude.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
She cuts them out and then, because they're like, dug
into my skin so she showed themto you with the little blood,
and then she.
And then she slowly like, likeshe's hurting me.
She has a look on her face likeshe's hurting me as she's
pulling it out of my skin, andthen she sets them all on my big
toe and a line get the fuck outof here I don't know.
Speaker 3 (38:59):
It's like to show that's why it takes an hour and
10 minutes yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:03):
So here's what's happening she's cutting your
nails so thin they're not broadanymore.
Your nails are no longer broad.
She's cutting into there andshe's creating a scar or a scar
tissue, a soft spot right.
So when the nail does decideit's not going to grow forward
anymore, it's going to start togrow to the side, or that other
(39:24):
nail starts to come in frombelow that she doesn't get.
That's broad still.
It's cutting into your newlyscarred area of foot.
Speaker 3 (39:34):
You got to take a shoe off and socks off.
I have to see your foot.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
You need to get like like they have expanders to open
people's dentist's mouth.
You need like that to open yourgaps on your toes and let your
fucking toenails come out, andthey'll come out flat and stay
on top of your toe.
All my nails, I know becauseyou have this weak ass fucking
skin under that she's rippingout of there every day.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
I don't get it done on my fingers and that shit
happens yeah, you handle limeall the time.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
Your hands are shrinking like a shrinking, like
a fucking shrinker regardlessturning into a grape, great
grape turning into a raisin.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
I'm going to tell you this I go get pedicures a lot
less than you travel to go seeHumphreys McGee, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
I walk in the mud when I do that shit and my toes
are great, now he's gettingoffensive.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
But I walk in there.
They know it's me, they know myvoice.
Yeah, she's got my fucking toewater all filled up.
She's got a Sprite sitting onmy little thing and she just
fucking gets to work, are your?
Speaker 3 (40:39):
feet, that nice no After all this?
Speaker 1 (40:43):
No, they go to war once a month With a nail clipper
and a tweezer.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
That's fucking crazy.
It's brutal and a nail scissors.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
And then you soak it in this water and let it get all
soft, and then they start totry to grow back and they're
like all right, we'll just hidein over here again.
Yeah, you got it all wrong bro.
Maybe, If anything what you needto do is have her stop pulling
the toenail off and startpulling the toe skin off that's
(41:12):
next to the toenail, so thatthere's not a big hump for your
toenail.
Have nail to have to grow over,so you start scraping away at
that fucking skin oh, she cutsall that off yeah, and then
she's gotta let that nail grow.
I don't know, bro, I think yougot yourself into lily's got you
in a lily.
Speaker 3 (41:32):
Yeah, you're in trouble.
You're in trouble now.
It reminds me of the movieyou're probably too late to go
back.
It's like botox.
It reminds me of the movie badsanta, where the dude's like get
in there, dig it out, I'm notgonna take it.
And then she starts to actuallydo it.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
You ever yell at her, that's a great no, never does
it ever hurt so bad that youalmost cry and you're like don't
do it.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
I can feel it coming, but don't oh, I can vividly
remember one time where I almostscreamed why she hit something.
She had a nerve or somethinglike toe pulling, pulling the
fucking nail from out of my likebecause it cuts into your skin,
like it cuts.
Speaker 3 (42:18):
Why would you want to do this?
And they pay ultimate when theycut it out and she pulled it
out.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
It like my skin was fucking stuck around it and it
just ripped out.
Yeah, it sucked, but then itdidn't hurt anymore so she
always makes you bleed.
No, that was the only time, andthat was one of the first times
(42:43):
I went in and it was so bad,which is why I fucking had to go
in.
There you go, but anyway.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
I mean he likes to get tampered.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Before we left I went down to the locker room and I
stole the robe Nice.
Speaker 1 (43:03):
They didn't catch you on that.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
Not that I know, did you?
Speaker 1 (43:06):
get the used non guest, but visitor one.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
I got a folded.
Actually, they don't fold them,they roll them when they've
been sanitized.
They roll them and tie them upwith the thing.
And I fucking grabbed it and Iwalked right to my room with it.
Tony's like I can already getaway with smoking in my room
fucking take robe, no one'sgonna catch me dude for for what
(43:31):
I fucking spent on this minivacation.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
A robe is again have you been sitting in your house
butt naked?
Speaker 2 (43:37):
let it hang with this robe draped on you like you
were there vaping on the pationo, I gave it.
I gave it to my wife, whoactually enjoys wearing a robe
everyone in the cul-de-sac'slike what's with tony?
He's just sitting in hisdriveway on his lawn chair
vaping Just sitting on a chairin a bag, in a fucking robe he's
(44:00):
drinking sparkling water with astrawberry dropped in and out
of a champagne flute.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
That would be a sight .
Speaker 2 (44:11):
Give us a star on the internet, or whatever the fuck
you guys are supposed to bedoing when you listen to this?
Speaker 1 (44:17):
Top Shelf Stories.
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony hey
(00:35):
fellas, when was the last timeyou were complete and utterly
pampered?
Speaker 1 (00:37):
never had to tell pampered, pampered we're talking
the full scale, talkingfingernails, toenails we're
talking the full scale, talkingfingernails, toenails, I would
say at least a decade ago I was.
I got like a full, like twohour, three hour massage and it
was like from stepping in thedoor you would do like a glass
(00:58):
of water here's, we'll take yourcoat and this and then the
other thing and smelled nice andthat kind of stuff.
But then it was just a regularmassage and then like a relaxing
room and then, get dressedagain or whatever, out of the
robe and then you're on your way, but not.
I don't know if that's fullpampered.
I would say just for partnerpoints with my wife that she
(01:20):
pampers me every day.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
So besides that, of course, I got a couple of
massages.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
My life okay, so I, uh, I recently celebrated an
anniversary and and this was abig one, boys, this was the one
that most couples strive fornever, never, make 11?
, 24.
For real, 24 years.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
You've been married for 24 years 24 years Holy crap
dude, Don't you usually strivefor an odd number like 25, 20,
30?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Yeah, 24 is a weird gap, but let's just focus on
this.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
That's half your life .
Every year is a milestone year.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
You passed the half your life.
You've been married already,wow years ago I wouldn't change
it, man.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I'm married to a down-ass bitch, it's good to
hear, but, man, that's insanityso.
So my lady said she wanted todo something special for us,
right?
So I'm like just open yourmouth and we're just gonna keep
this nice and simple and I'mlike I don't want much, just uh,
(02:39):
but uh, she scheduled athree-day spa retreat.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
So this is without your knowledge.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
I knew it was happening.
I didn't know what was allinvolved in it, so it was a
surprise.
So I'm not going to say thename of the place, because
things happened.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I think you said it on previous episodes anyways, or
maybe later episodes that youmight hear at home, depending on
when they're released.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Who knows, who knows.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
You donated some shit .
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We woke up early and drove to the places about two
hours away.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Anyone who knows where we are knows exactly where
that is.
Jay says it's about eight hoursaway.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
I think Jay's like it's a two-day drive.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
I was thinking, yeah, it's like across the country,
right.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
But we wake up early and we head down there and she
goes before we can check intoour room.
I have a facial scheduled forus.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Wait have a facial for you both.
How can you do a?
Speaker 2 (03:50):
facial with the beard like cucumbers over the eyes,
rubbing in your bro I went in,and such I went in with no
expectations so get botox, orshould we wait for that part?
So we get there and they takeus.
They take us individually intoour, into locker rooms and they
(04:11):
go.
Your locker number is 29 I.
They give me a little card.
I go find locker 29.
I open it up.
There's a robe and a pair offlip-flops in it.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Do you go back and be like someone forgot their stuff
in my locker?
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Just so you know.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
I think you gave me the wrong locker number.
Do you know it was for you?
Speaker 3 (04:34):
It was like paper thin robe.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Oh no.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Oh no, and dissolvable slippers.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
These were like the softest winter coats that went
down to your ankles.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Like you thought you were dry from drying yourself
off from your shower thatmorning, but when you put that
robe on you realized there wasstill some absorption available
to dry off.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
They were crazy robes , Crazy enough that there are
signs everywhere saying do notsteal our robes, they're
available for purchase in thegift shop.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Well, you got to purchase a used one, so you're
basically using all these usedrobes.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Yeah, I thought they gave you new ones each time and
the robes are like 200 bucks inthe gift shop.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Jesus.
So that means they're like $60robes Easily.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Which is a crazy amount of money by itself for a
robe, because who the fuck wearsrobes, right?
So I go in the locker room, Iget, I get buck naked and put
this robe on.
So are you the?
only one in this locker room andI'm walking around and I get
out of the locker room and, uh,you know they're explaining to
us the spiel.
Like when you're staying here,everybody lives in these robes.
(05:48):
Like you go to the restaurant,everybody in the restaurant is
in this robe.
You go here, everybody's nobodytakes these robes off.
They're on all the time.
Why?
Speaker 3 (06:01):
so do the workers wear them too, to make you guys
feel more comfortable?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
oh, no, no no, they got very, very specific uniforms
um, but you're just freeballing under this thing all day
getting salad well, you'reeating soup.
Here's the thing.
When I get out of the lockerroom and I start looking at
other people in the area thatwe're not you realize they're
wearing clothes I'm the only onewho's butt naked.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Oh, boy, I was going to say there's probably pubes
everywhere.
The lady probably knew.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
She probably knew, when she saw you, that your
little dinghy was poking alittle bit too much and she's
like, just so you know.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Wait, did you say you have a two-pound stake for me?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, so when we get out of the locker room, they
take us into this meditationroom.
So you didn't go back and puton your skivvies.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
You're like, all right, oh no I like.
I mean, you're already naked bro, when I commit to something, I
see it through, all right.
So I go, I go into thismeditation room waiting.
They're.
They're like you're, you'refaceologist, or whatever the
fuck fancy name they got forthem.
They're gonna come in.
They're.
They're like your, yourfaceologist, or whatever the
fuck fancy name they got forthem.
They're gonna come in, they'regonna call your name.
So we go into this room andit's just me and my wife in this
(07:12):
room and there's all thesefucking like nice relaxing, like
almost beds kind of chairs,like books, everywhere.
You're not allowed to have yourphone on you anywhere anywhere I
know this, my, and actually itsays that you're not supposed to
have your phone in your room.
But fuck that.
(07:32):
Um, so we're waiting in thisroom and I'm just sitting
fucking all sprawled out on thiscouch, balls just dangling, and
then people start tricklinginto this room and this room
gets really full of people uh,also getting services.
So the the time comes, it'slike whatever one o'clock there,
(07:57):
there's a big clock on the wall, big digital clock, and as soon
as it hits one o'clock, like 20people walk out from the back
and just start calling names allat the same time, which made it
really awesome to figure outwhich one of these people called
your name oh sure so, uh, thefaceologist, or whatever they're
(08:22):
called, who called me her, shewas this pretty little thing.
You, okay, chris, it's funny.
It's funny, uh, this prettylittle thing that came out and
called my name happened to benamed the person I probably
masturbated to the most in mylife.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Carmen Electra no.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Michelle Pfeiffer no.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Pamela.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
No, cindy Crawford.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Topanga, topanga.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I remember he's been married since he was like 12
years old, oh, wait, that's fromBoy Rules World, isn't it?
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Boy Meets World.
Boy Meets World.
Topanga, okay, topanga, okay,topanga.
I was trying to figure outwhere the fuck you're talking.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
I guess we should give the audience some context.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
The hottest person in my age group at the time.
Whoever walked the fuckingplanet?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
When was that shit on TV?
That's the 90s dude.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
That's the 90s, early 90s, that's 89, no 94, okay,
maybe, yeah, anyway, topangafrom panga come, gets me out and
she's like are you ready foryour facial or not?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
does she look just like her, the topanga girl?
Then they're not far off.
First episode 1993, inseptember last episode, may 5th
2000, so it ran for seven years.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
You guys are way off daniel fishel and ben savage so
we're walking back to our uhtreatment room what they call it
and uh, we're walking and she'sshe's trying to make small talk
with me and she's like have youever had a facial before?
(10:09):
I said no, actually I haven't.
You're like what does that mean?
Speaker 1 (10:13):
like when you're my wife sits on my face she's like.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
She's like well, uh, you know you're gonna have a
great time.
It's gonna be very relaxing.
It relaxing it's actually.
It's going to be wonderful foryou.
I'm glad I'm the first one toever give you a facial and I'm
like okay.
So when I hear facial I'm likeanytime I've Googled like woman
gets facial.
It's been a very differentsituation.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
You have to like click an okay button that says
you're 18 or older.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So we get in the room you think you're going to get
calmed down or something andshe's like de-robe, what?
And go on the bed there and I'mlike, oh, you don't want me on
my knees, Like I thought thiswas going to be very different.
What do?
You mean de-robe, like in frontof her.
You're butt naked.
She's like we're gonna leavethe room.
Oh, michelle, michelle's in thesame room as me.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Oh, it's like couples is she butt naked too, or did
she actually put?
Speaker 2 (11:09):
clothes like fucking loser, swimsuit or clothes
clothes like your jeans.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
She's in jeans under there.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
So when you both take your robes off, she looked at
you and she's like why the fuckaren't you wearing clothes?
Tony, I said I came to play.
This is a facial.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
There's no phones, no one's going to take a picture,
only the sauna is going to havethe video.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Only the hundreds of surveillance cameras.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Of cameras in there.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
They only have cameras in the facial rooms.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Tony walks out in this robe but also inside of a
black taped bubble.
It's black taped.
I'm just blocking the cameraslike I do at home.
It's not most comfortable.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I got a can of.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Krylon with me.
I had a delay.
Laugh, Chris, because it tookme a second to figure out what
the fuck you're talking aboutyeah, I'm wearing the robe in
here.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing the robe in here.
Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing therobe.
I don't have anything else onand I'm in the.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
So I laid down on the bed, face up, like she asks me
to, and she comes in and shetells me she goes.
This is going to be, this isgoing to be a wonderful
experience.
She's like I'm going to startwith your shoulders and then I'm
going to move down to your feetHow's that?
(12:28):
A facial?
And then, and then we're goingto get to work on your face.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
And uh, cause he must be relaxed.
So they relax your body, sothat your face is relaxed.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Oh my, God dude, it was wonderful, Okay, and we got
all done and I mean I fuckingsmell great.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
I feel 10 years younger, Like it was fucking
great it didn't last long,because your face looks the same
.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
It lasted an entire hour, which was not nearly
enough time for this.
And my wife sits up when she'sdone and she's like so what'd
you think?
Wife sits up when she's doneand she's like, so what'd you
think?
And I said I don't understandhow you don't have one of these
scheduled every week of yourlife.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
This is fucking amazing how so you described
your girl.
How was your wife's girl?
Guy was she?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I don't even remember anybody else being in the room
only you and topanga it was justme and topanga eyes with your
eyes open just staring at her ohintensely.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I loved you.
In boy meets world, it wasyou're so great.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
I thought you would have made more money where you
didn't have to do this shit.
But uh, we throw, we throw ourrobes back on, bounce out of
there and check into our hotelroom.
And this hotel, this hotel room, was fucking wonderful yeah it
was like two rooms.
(13:59):
There's like a living room, abedroom.
The bathroom was fuckingenormous.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
This is all three days of uh, sun or um spa
experience.
Yeah, there's like no, is therelike drinking involved?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
danielle official, the topanga is worth four
million dollars that doesn'tseem like a celebrity they must
not have her nft and cryptofactored into that network.
Maybe not, but yeah.
So we go into our hotel room,which is wonderful, but they
(14:35):
have a strict no vaping policy.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Or smoking, or smoking, or cellular phones.
Do they have alcohol therethough?
Speaker 2 (14:44):
On their entire grounds.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
They get you drunk though.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Right, it is an option.
It's not a cheap option butit's an option.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Going back to the vaping, that didn't stop you.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Oh hell.
No, I vaped before.
The door was actually all theway closed.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Your vape is a really small nicotine nick yeah it's a
little puff vape.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
It doesn't really produce a large when I try to
hide my yeah, my puff, I kind oflike inhale it and swallow it
into my body and let it absorbinto my muscles that I don't
have.
That's insane, and it justeventually comes out as nothing.
You just gotta keep it in longlike you take a big hit but I'm
in, but I'm in a private hotelroom.
(15:29):
I'm like I got nothing to worryabout yeah, but until they come
here and smelled strawberriesand fucking his doesn't smell
like that, it's just like alittle what?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
yeah, I don't have like watermelon douche like you
do, oh, okay yours is like ajewel.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Yeah, basically like a jewel.
I used to have one that smelledreally bad because it was
tobacco flavored and everybodyused to think I just farted all
day long it smelled like shit.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
So we had a screened-in balcony and I spent
a fair amount of time of myweekend on this screened in
balcony that had like a halfwall in it, sure, but butt naked
sitting on the couch.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
Just, I mean, I was, I was dickout most of this vacation.
(16:17):
It is refreshing you was not anudist.
Did your colony, though, butyou were just nude but I'm like
outside, butt naked, standing atthe half wall overlooking the
pool.
Nobody can see what's going on,waist down, fair enough.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
So what happens to your dick when it's out in the
open for that long?
Because nowadays, human beingsnever have their dick exposed
unless they're in or out of theshower or taking a shit.
Yeah, no, it was great, but didit dry out and my skin is
incredibly white, from aboutmid-thigh to my waist.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
My butt is glowing at night.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
I feel like if you left your dick out for too long,
it'd start shriveling up.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
No, it'd probably get sunburned if you were in the
sun.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
No, even if you were in the sun Almost instantly.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Why do you think it would shrivel up?
It'd probably just want to keeprunning out free like a snake.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
It'd be like a plum turning into.
What do they turn into whenthey dry out?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
No support.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
I did notice, my balls got extremely long.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Tony's like damn it it.
Something keeps hitting mythighs, that sounds, it sounds
good it was great, so I threw.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
We got back up in the room.
You know they give you adifferent robe in the room.
Shit, you got two robes so youhad to leave.
They give you a gray robe inthe locker room, but the white
robe in your room doesn't hidenothing, signifies that you're a
guest.
Oh, and you're not just therefor, like, day spa services.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Dude, I can just see you eating with that white robe
on.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Cause I was.
That's your check-in robe.
Once you've checked in, you gotthat robe.
Was it the same style and feel,or was it?
Speaker 2 (18:04):
better.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
It was a little bit better Get out of here Cause it
was different color.
Better like get out of herebecause it was different color
it was this velvet pocket I'm ina pocket in a robe yeah, no, it
was fucking great.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
So I'm out on the balcony about a day and a half
into this trip and I look up andI notice that there's a camera
looking right onto my balcony.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
The whole time.
Yeah, like one of the.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
The bubble cams, oh, and I'm like, oh, I wonder if
that's only looking at the poolor if it's looking at me vaping
on my sun porch butt naked.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
Definitely looking at you vaping.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Poor security guy is like fuck, like fuck not again.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
This guy is out there .
I think that actually helps youand kept you from getting in
trouble, as you were naked.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Yeah, like fuck or when they try to charge me the
cleaning fee for the vape smokeand I can go show me the footage
we deleted it.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Well, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
That shouldn't be.
That should be private areas,sort of it's outside Are you on
the first floor or second floorSecond floor.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
It's outside in the balcony, it's not inside.
You can have cameras outsideeverywhere, it's security.
Or someone breaks into yourfucking balcony, tries to break
it into your room.
They can't because of thescreen.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
And the little lock that you use on the screen.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
No, there's no like entrance it never works.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Yeah well, okay so, but then we had, uh, we had a
massage and uh, I mean it wasgood.
I, if I'm gonna be honest withyou, I much prefer asians over
white people have you had these?
Speaker 1 (19:53):
type of services performed by what you want the
in asian person yeah and youprefer the technique in some
fashion, so it can't be everywhite and every asian so you're
generalized.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Here's the thing whenever I get a massage by a
white okay, go on, have you gota massage by a black.
Whenever I get massaged by awhite, I always feel like it's a
little it's a little lazy it's.
It's a little like it's alittle lazy.
(20:28):
It's a little softer than Ineed it to be.
It's a little bit more likethey're trying to make you relax
rather than working knots outof you.
Okay, and they're alwaysoverpriced, those whites they be
fucking charging.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
So basically, you don't want something to talk to?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
you go see an asian and for 60 you're getting
fucking elbows, fucking feet,beating the shit out of you and
you feel terrible when you leave, but for the next three days
you feel amazing well, I don'tthink you're gonna find and
maybe you will, but an asiannamed topanga well, topanga only
(21:11):
does face shit.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
She doesn't do full body she's like what did you say
?
A faceologist faceologist so doyou think that topanga was her
real name, or do you thinkthat's like her stripper name?
Hairdresser name like at home.
She hears the word topanga andshe looks, but she knows it's
not for her because her name isheather yeah, topanga is not a
(21:37):
not a popular name.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I think that would be really weird yeah, but I'm
gonna you know the the maindifferences with white people.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
massages this comes from a guy whose name is one
letter.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Jay, they do in fact, smell better.
White people really care aboutthe scents, where Asians just
smell like fucking baby oil.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
That's it.
I thought you were going to sayfish or something.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
No, there's no sense, I think you're going to
different type of places, though, so is this the first white
massage you've ever gotten.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
I've gotten dozens of each, so you get treated all
the time.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
No, I do massage a lot, so you don't see color when
it comes to't see color.
I think it's the only way I'mable to still walk I what you
don't see color when it comes tomassage.
No I see color a lot and Iprefer yellow so we're getting
back to business around here Ineed an applause for that one
(22:51):
Wait that's the wrong one.
No, when I see a white come outand call my name out of the room
, I'm like God damn it.
It's all right, man, maybe I'llfind the right white one,
you're like when they say yourname Anthony, and they really
can say that Thinny part, you'relike they say your name anthony
(23:12):
, and they really can say thattony part.
You're like anthony, but uhyeah, so that was wonderful.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
We went and celebrated at at the uh, at the
spa's restaurant, which I wasn'texpecting much because I'm like
it's just a little well, I'mwondering though, like when you
were checking out, was therelike the big beefy security guy,
like peeking around the cornerof the checkout counter, kind of
looking at you like, hey,trying to catch your attention,
(23:42):
like he saw you on the cameras?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
nope, it's like none of that, it's all.
It's all pretty young womenthat work there.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
So were you worried that you might get called out?
Hey, I'm sorry, but we saw youvaping naked on the camera.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Actually I wasn't.
I wasn't worried about it atall, but I stopped vaping on the
balcony as soon as I seen thecamera.
Really, you stopped?
Yeah, I just went into theliving room and vaped, so I was
trying to be considerate andonly vape outside technically,
yeah, that seems like you shouldhave just kept.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
Well, maybe okay so maybe you can smoke outside.
Why can't you vape out?
Speaker 1 (24:18):
not on their property .
Speaker 3 (24:20):
Fuck out of here.
That's fucking ridiculous.
You're paying premier dollar toget a face massages from
Topanga.
You expect to do what you wantto do when you can do it.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Yeah, but Topanga's other clients are like this.
Guy smells like freakingcigarettes and I came here to
quit smoking and get a facial.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
But we already discussed that his doesn't smell
at all.
Vapes don't smell, and if theydo, you usually smell very
fruity.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
There's only one good faceologist in this state and,
pray to heavens, it's anon-smoking environment and I
intend to help keep it that way.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
this sir was smoking vapes on his balcony without his
shorts on can we, can I, uh,can I ask how much this ran you?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
you don't want is that you don't even want to know
?
Speaker 3 (25:06):
dude, my wife, it's not yet it's super important
because I always want to know.
So what's?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
maybe I want to do that.
What's funny is, leading up toit, my wife's like well, we got
to go online and we got to bookall our services and I so this
is where, like men and women'sbrains are are a little
different, because the timingpart I I would.
I would totally be like okay, Irented the spa, the spa room,
(25:33):
so when I get there and check in, I'm gonna book all my services
right away, like you shouldn'thave to pre-plan a month in
advance, and and there shouldnever be a time when but there's
only so many faceologists andif they need to bring another
one in for that weekend and youknow, the thing is is I feel
(25:54):
like when you're staying there,they should be like okay, mr
Kavanaugh, we have a couplelow-life fucking day spars that
are just coming here for theafternoon to get a faceologist
appointment.
We're going to actually bumpthem, them.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Oh.
That's a terrible businessmodel.
There's no way either that theyall would have been ready right
at one o'clock to yell your,all your names at the same time
if they hadn't scheduled thatshit six months in advance you
know, I just I'm saying.
This is why having a wife is agood thing, because she planned
ahead Right, so she's like soyou didn't get stuck with, like
(26:34):
the mud rub or some other bullcrap thing that they just was
like sorry, that's all sold out.
Sorry, that's all.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
You get to go on a balloon ride.
So my wife hit me up a coupleof weeks ago and she's like, we
got to, we got to lock down allthese appointments for the spa
services.
And I'm like, okay, cool, andshe goes.
Well, what do you all want todo?
And I said I don't know.
We're there for three days likeschedule one, everything like
that's what makes sense to me,right like we're there, there's
(27:03):
not shit else to do, we don'thave phones like at a water park
you go down every water slidethere's no water park.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
There's no, it's like a water park where you will go
down every water slide if youcould.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Oh right, you could have your phone only in your
room, right?
Speaker 2 (27:18):
you weren't allowed to have the phone in your room,
but they can't really stop youokay, they can, they'll bust
down that door all right yeah,you had the phone but.
But people were at check-inlike turning their phones into
the front desk fuck that yeah, Iwas like no, thank you, I need
to check my sports app but youknow, I'm like.
I tell her I'm like this is,this is a very special.
(27:41):
I mean, everybody knows 24years, fuck, that's like the
pinnacle of marriage it's onemore year to 25.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Yeah, exactly, yeah, that's the number.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
So I'm like I'm like baby girl, just schedule one of
everything.
And she's like, well, I thinkyou're gonna want to look
through this list before youtell me that I'm like, all right
, cool so wait, when you look ata list, you get to see the
pictures of the faces of thepeople yeah, no, I picked them
based solely on how do you thinkit's a chinese restaurant or
you just get to look at the?
Picture menu.
Can I get a?
Speaker 1 (28:11):
picture menu.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
Please, I'll take a c11.
This is a full out massageparlor.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Yes, so she starts by going on the massage and it's
like 60 minute massage.
You know, pick out one of ninedifferent massage packages we
got and you know I look at thefirst one and I'm like, oh okay,
cool cbd massage.
I'm like that sounds wonderful,get that one.
And then I look at the priceand it's 230 and I'm like for
(28:40):
both of us she's like no a piece.
And I'm like 230 said let's do.
They got just a C, not a CBD,damn.
And we go down and their basicmassage is like $210.
Jesus Christ, for an hour.
An hour, it's not even 90minutes, no, it's an hour.
(29:01):
And I'm like, oh, that's pricey.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
I might want to look through this list before I tell
you to just schedule one ofeverything.
I thought that if you buy likea package deal, you get a
certain amount of massages withit.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
No.
Speaker 3 (29:14):
No what you do?
Speaker 1 (29:15):
you turn your money into coupons, and then the
coupons will earn you massagetherapy sessions.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Holy fuck, dude you probably spent like five grand
there.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
No, not quite, but then I start looking through
others.
Could you?
Speaker 1 (29:28):
imagine sleeping through one of your appointments
because you're relaxed.
That's what you're supposed todo.
God damn thigh thunder, massageor whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
And then not only that, but everything in the
entire place gluten-free isvegan allergy free?
Uh, totally vegan.
They got dried apricot stationsevery fucking 20 feet.
Is it really no meat?
No, there's meat at therestaurant.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
You're fucking with me, but uh, yeah, I think they
have dried fucking meat outside.
What do you?
Speaker 2 (30:02):
every come out.
Every single, every single,everything in this place.
Like you say, every single,everything in this place.
I, like you say, every single,everything, has a 20% gratuity
attached to it.
Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
On top of the printed price on the screen.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
On top of the printed price and then they all Also
expect another tip on top.
They all do Every bartender,god dang.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
They're like you have to close your tab out.
And I'm like I got in kind ofan argument with this dude from
Turkey and I'm like yo, I don'thave to close my tab out, you
can just close it out.
And he's like well, but you canadd tip.
And I said I don't need to addtip.
You guys already did that forme.
I'm like regardless of whetheryou gave me great service or
(30:45):
terrible service, I have to tipyou.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
Regardless of whether you gave me a great service or
terrible service, I have to tipyou.
That's what happens at thecruise ships, and then no one
tips extra like ever.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Yeah, I'm like Sometimes, I guess if you want
the guy to come back.
I'm like your drinks arefucking $20.
Sure, I'm tipping you $4 perdrink.
So every time I come up andorder two fucking whatever the
fuck your signature drink isbecause everything at this place
was their signature thing.
They had over 200 items thatwere their signature item Jesus
(31:15):
Available in the gift shop.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Mix available in the gift shop.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
So if you go up and you order their signature vodka
cranberry, you order two of them.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
I've tipped him $8 for making these two, and then
you're supposed to put in sixbucks more.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
And then he hands you , like a little begging puppy
dog, he hands you a little thingthat says additional tip and I
wrote zero on so many of them,cards Like so many, actually all
of them, until it was Topanga'sturn.
No, Topanga got an extra hundo.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
But, they did at least go through the effort of
printing you off a piece ofpaper instead of just flipping
an iPad or having you sign yourfinger on their phone.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
And after the first day, michelle was very much so
worried about closing her tabsout and I'm like, don't worry.
I'm like we're not closing themout, they're going to leave
them open.
They're going to close them outand they're not going to
fucking stand there and try toshame you into giving them more
(32:19):
money.
I'm like just fucking leave itopen and they'll close it out,
trust me.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Well, did you get like 84 credit card charges on
your thing, or did you get onebig?
Speaker 2 (32:31):
one, one big one, it all goes to the room.
Yeah, so you're closing it tothe room.
You're closing it to the room.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
You're closing it because, uh, that's their
opportunity to get the tip,another tip, so makes sense.
I mean, if you want extra money, why wouldn't you?
Speaker 2 (32:47):
but I start going through this list of spa
services, picking out what whatwe're gonna get, and, uh, we
landed on just the massage andthe facial because I thought 240
dollars for an hour of grouptouching a rock and chanting was
just a little too rich for mydad what was the name of that,
(33:10):
uh, touching a rock whilechanting that is the name of it,
like they had so many differentthings, they had like a 150
group yoga, like the wildestshit.
And I'm like, yeah, we'll juststick with the massage and
facial.
And uh, she's like, well, doyou want to get, you know,
(33:31):
pedicures and shit.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
And I'm like, well, I , I already go get a pedicure
once a month so like I whichone's the, that's the, that's
the foot, right, yeah, okay, whythe fuck you?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
get feet, I get.
I pay lily 60 dollars everymonth for my pedicure ready.
I'm like I'm not gonna pay somewhite chick who's gonna do a
half-assed job on my nails andleave you with smell like french
vanilla 230 dollars for apedicure how long does a
pedicure pedicure take for a man, for?
Speaker 1 (34:04):
you for me, my feet are probably taking an hour lily
spends an hour 20 on me oh mygod what the fuck is she doing
to your feet?
What do you guys talk about?
Speaker 2 (34:16):
what the fuck I?
I sit on facebook while shegoes to work on me what?
Speaker 3 (34:24):
I've never even seen you without shoes on.
What's the point?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
uh, I get hangnails real bad, so she cuts them out.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
That takes an hour and a half.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Yeah, for her to get all of them, yeah, so you're
telling me you maintain thislawn that's down there by
spending money and havingsomeone take care of them every
month yeah.
But you're having problemswhere you're getting hangnails.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
No, that's why he does it to to not have, do you
think?
Speaker 1 (34:55):
that they're creating the fucking problem.
It's like a dope dealer gettingyou hooked in your back.
So look, she's like this idiot,anthony.
She tells all her friends I'mcutting it See how my nail.
That's your hand, though.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
I know it grows in and then it curves in and I
can't cut them out on my feet.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
Chris's explanation is your body works itself out,
so if you're having someone dosomething to your body once a
month.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Yeah, maybe you just need to let your toes grow for a
little while and they'llflatten out out there, let them
fucking speed number one, dude.
I don't know when the last timeI got mine done, but I ain't
got no hangnails, you can telldude.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
I can't believe you're in there for me right now
.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
I got camping foot.
Speaker 3 (35:41):
Dude, I get pissed when my toenails get too long
and they cut through my newsocks.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
It pisses me off.
I don't wear socks like ever,except for to work.
Do you need a couple pairs?
I got like 60, 100.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Donate them to the homeless Dude that's crazy Once
a month.
Do you ever do manicures?
No, never.
Never done a manicure but dopedicures.
Is that like a thing for dudes?
Is that just we do pedicuresbut not manicures?
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
There's always fucking dudes in my nail salon.
Who got you?
Speaker 3 (36:09):
into the pedicure.
I did Wait.
Am I saying right, pedicure,pedicure and pedicure?
I can't fucking.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
It's pedicure.
I got myself into it, Iactually, and I found Lili after
like going through like 20people, lili.
What if Lili changes joints?
Dude, if Lili gets deported?
I'm fucked.
Speaker 3 (36:29):
I guarantee you're not even pronouncing her name,
right.
Speaker 2 (36:31):
It is, it's L-I-L-I.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Did she her name right?
It is, it's l-i-l-i.
Did you say that's a lie?
Speaker 2 (36:41):
lie, her name is fucking heather, that's her nail
salon name that's a good one,chris that's a good one, but uh,
every time I go in there therethere's several dudes in there
getting pedicures.
I've never seen one gettingtheir hands done, though.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
Dude, I don't know you bros just sit around
drinking your seltzer waterswith cucumber checking like, did
you guys see?
The sports game Bryce Dude, Idon't even know about sports.
They don't talk about sports.
They talk about fucking fashion.
Listen to me.
You see a new fucking shirtcome out this week from fucking
yes.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
So here's what happens beautiful, I get home
from work, I'm like thishangnail starting to bother me.
I call, I call silver nails,and I go hey, I need to make an
appointment with lily.
And they go for when?
And I said for right now?
And they go can you be here in10 minutes?
(37:37):
And I said absolutely.
I hang up the phone, I get inmy car, I drive there, I text
Michelle, who's already callingme going where did you just
leave to?
And I go.
I'm running to Silver Nails.
Speaker 3 (37:51):
I'll be back in an hour and a half.
You go there more than she does, guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
I do over nails.
It's an emergency.
You go there more than she doesguarantee I do see my lily.
Speaker 2 (37:57):
I go there twice as much as she does and, uh, and as
a matter of fact, she won't useanybody but lily anymore.
Lily is the shit when it comesto fucked up toes.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
I you know I have to travel out to the lake country
to find this lilyili enjoys itmore than I do.
She enjoys it more, See that'sthe thing you want to see
somebody who's going to work onyou and not remind you that
they're getting paid for it.
It's like they want to do it.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
So she cuts my hangnails out, and she always
has a look on her face like oh,I got a good one, anthony.
Speaker 1 (38:34):
Listen, dude, she cuts them nails out and she
always has a look on her face,oh I got a good one, anthony,
listen dude.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
She cuts them out and then, because they're like, dug
into my skin so she showed themto you with the little blood,
and then she.
And then she slowly like, likeshe's hurting me.
She has a look on her face likeshe's hurting me as she's
pulling it out of my skin, andthen she sets them all on my big
toe and a line get the fuck outof here I don't know.
Speaker 3 (38:59):
It's like to show that's why it takes an hour and
10 minutes yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:03):
So here's what's happening she's cutting your
nails so thin they're not broadanymore.
Your nails are no longer broad.
She's cutting into there andshe's creating a scar or a scar
tissue, a soft spot right.
So when the nail does decideit's not going to grow forward
anymore, it's going to start togrow to the side, or that other
(39:24):
nail starts to come in frombelow that she doesn't get.
That's broad still.
It's cutting into your newlyscarred area of foot.
Speaker 3 (39:34):
You got to take a shoe off and socks off.
I have to see your foot.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
You need to get like like they have expanders to open
people's dentist's mouth.
You need like that to open yourgaps on your toes and let your
fucking toenails come out, andthey'll come out flat and stay
on top of your toe.
All my nails, I know becauseyou have this weak ass fucking
skin under that she's rippingout of there every day.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
I don't get it done on my fingers and that shit
happens yeah, you handle limeall the time.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
Your hands are shrinking like a shrinking, like
a fucking shrinker regardlessturning into a grape, great
grape turning into a raisin.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
I'm going to tell you this I go get pedicures a lot
less than you travel to go seeHumphreys McGee, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
I walk in the mud when I do that shit and my toes
are great, now he's gettingoffensive.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
But I walk in there.
They know it's me, they know myvoice.
Yeah, she's got my fucking toewater all filled up.
She's got a Sprite sitting onmy little thing and she just
fucking gets to work, are your?
Speaker 3 (40:39):
feet, that nice no After all this?
Speaker 1 (40:43):
No, they go to war once a month With a nail clipper
and a tweezer.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
That's fucking crazy.
It's brutal and a nail scissors.
Speaker 1 (40:51):
And then you soak it in this water and let it get all
soft, and then they start totry to grow back and they're
like all right, we'll just hidein over here again.
Yeah, you got it all wrong bro.
Maybe, If anything what you needto do is have her stop pulling
the toenail off and startpulling the toe skin off that's
(41:12):
next to the toenail, so thatthere's not a big hump for your
toenail.
Have nail to have to grow over,so you start scraping away at
that fucking skin oh, she cutsall that off yeah, and then
she's gotta let that nail grow.
I don't know, bro, I think yougot yourself into lily's got you
in a lily.
Speaker 3 (41:32):
Yeah, you're in trouble.
You're in trouble now.
It reminds me of the movieyou're probably too late to go
back.
It's like botox.
It reminds me of the movie badsanta, where the dude's like get
in there, dig it out, I'm notgonna take it.
And then she starts to actuallydo it.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
You ever yell at her, that's a great no, never does
it ever hurt so bad that youalmost cry and you're like don't
do it.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
I can feel it coming, but don't oh, I can vividly
remember one time where I almostscreamed why she hit something.
She had a nerve or somethinglike toe pulling, pulling the
fucking nail from out of my likebecause it cuts into your skin,
like it cuts.
Speaker 3 (42:18):
Why would you want to do this?
And they pay ultimate when theycut it out and she pulled it
out.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
It like my skin was fucking stuck around it and it
just ripped out.
Yeah, it sucked, but then itdidn't hurt anymore so she
always makes you bleed.
No, that was the only time, andthat was one of the first times
(42:43):
I went in and it was so bad,which is why I fucking had to go
in.
There you go, but anyway.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
I mean he likes to get tampered.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Before we left I went down to the locker room and I
stole the robe Nice.
Speaker 1 (43:03):
They didn't catch you on that.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
Not that I know, did you?
Speaker 1 (43:06):
get the used non guest, but visitor one.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
I got a folded.
Actually, they don't fold them,they roll them when they've
been sanitized.
They roll them and tie them upwith the thing.
And I fucking grabbed it and Iwalked right to my room with it.
Tony's like I can already getaway with smoking in my room
fucking take robe, no one'sgonna catch me dude for for what
(43:31):
I fucking spent on this minivacation.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
A robe is again have you been sitting in your house
butt naked?
Speaker 2 (43:37):
let it hang with this robe draped on you like you
were there vaping on the pationo, I gave it.
I gave it to my wife, whoactually enjoys wearing a robe
everyone in the cul-de-sac'slike what's with tony?
He's just sitting in hisdriveway on his lawn chair
vaping Just sitting on a chairin a bag, in a fucking robe he's
(44:00):
drinking sparkling water with astrawberry dropped in and out
of a champagne flute.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
That would be a sight .
Speaker 2 (44:11):
Give us a star on the internet, or whatever the fuck
you guys are supposed to bedoing when you listen to this?
Speaker 1 (44:17):
Top Shelf Stories.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.