December 24, 2024 • 34 mins
Ever had the unsettling feeling of anxiety creeping in while preparing for a doctor’s visit? You're not alone. We share the hilarity and humility of such moments as we recount our personal tales of navigating the awkward yet essential subject of anal health. Picture the awkwardness of sitting on the exam table, unsure whether to giggle or grimace, as our stories unfold with a light-hearted touch. Our mission? To prove that even the most cringe-worthy subjects can be tackled with humor and honesty.
From the nerve-wracking discovery of blood in the stool to the comedic chaos of preparing for a rectal exam, we tackle the taboo with a blend of laughter and realism. Sharing anecdotes involving loved ones' advice, we explore the humorous side of personal grooming and bathroom etiquette. Our quirky conversations about hemorrhoids and large bowel movements underscore a universal truth: aging isn’t for the faint-hearted, but a smile and a chuckle can go a long way.
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around first-time medical examinations and societal norms provide both entertainment and enlightenment. Whether it’s the myth-busting around anal sex and weight gain or the unexpected relief of dodging a dreaded procedure, our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two about health that you never knew you needed!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Now, have you guys ever had an anal parole by a
professional?
Speaker 3 (00:30):
I have not actually, and due to my advancing age, I
need to get in and have somebodyget two or three fingers up
there and figure out what'sgoing on.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I feel like it's on the calendar for me too.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
You know what's crazy is.
I tried to make an appointmentto go to the colonoscopy.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Colonologist.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
What is it?
It's stupid.
The butt doc.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Right after I got this procedure done and they
were like, because of your age,we need to get consent with your
doctor.
And I'm like I just went to thedoctor and they were like, well
, you have probably did you justknow.
Well, they said age.
That's what I'm assuming.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
You're too young for like just an automatic
fingerprint.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, so yeah, because you know I do
believe that most doctors don'twant to stick digits in your
butt.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
I was that was my like I don't want to get ahead
here, but I that was my firstquestion was like what do you
think the doctor feels when he'slike all right, I gotta take
this grown-ass man and bend himover and tell him to spread his
butt cheeks so I could lookdirectly into his butthole.
Like I've been married for adecade and I still feel
(01:53):
uncomfortable looking directlyinto my wife's butthole.
How does a doctor feel lookingat a stranger's butthole.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
I'd rather look at a stranger's butthole than
somebody I love, if we're justbeing honest with each other I
feel like, I feel like with astranger.
You can just be like all right,now you gotta go but I would
feel really weird telling mywife like I can't look you in
the eye right now you arelooking in their eye right now.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Okay, here's the thing, though like okay, so for
the past couple weeks I've beenhaving some blood in my stool
okay, in or on, because they'revery different that's weird that
you say that, because thatdoctor asked me that same
question was it inside of yourstool poop shit, or was it like
(02:46):
surrounding it?
How does that fucking why?
Speaker 1 (02:50):
does that make a difference?
Because if it's from the inside, that means it's going through
your body Like your tummy.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
your stomach, I mean, is like bleeding and you're
shitting out blood from theinside versus your butt just
leaking blood onto your poop,that makes sense, but just
leaking blood onto your boob.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
That makes sense.
Now that I think of it, thatactually does make sense.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Because your asshole's sphincter is shut and
blood can collect there.
But until you shit, it does notcome out is what you're saying?
Sure, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
Gotcha, so is it in the shit?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
or is it coming just surrounding the shit, like just
making it turn red?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Seems like a good question.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
So I don't always look at it.
Is that a weird thing?
I hate looking at them.
I don't that's a thing youshould be doing in your life.
It's a healthy thing to do islook at your stool as you go to
the bathroom.
I don't ever look at it Iusually don't.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I didn't start late into my 30s, Late into my 30s.
I'm like you know what, I'mgetting really old here.
I'm going to have to startreally analyzing this shit.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I don't think I've ever not looked.
Do you flush the toilet whilesitting down, tony takes
chopsticks and fucking moves itaround.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It's like whoa.
I don't remember eating thatfucking thing.
What is that hard thing rightthere?
Speaker 3 (04:08):
No, I do got a special pair of tongs that I
break it up with just to seewhat consistency.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
My dad always tells a story about his grandkids not
my kids, his daughter's kids.
Their shits are so big that hehas to take a spatula and drop
it up to flush it because itwill not go down.
Okay, that's fucking disgusting, but that's fucking true.
Let's get back to the doctorvisit here, buddy.
(04:38):
Okay, I'm bleeding, Bleeding outof the ass.
I don't look at my shitnormally because I don't like it
.
I don't like looking at it, itgrosses me out.
I'm the type that shits andflushes.
I'm courteous, I look out forother people's well-being and
smell.
So do you flush while you'resitting on the toilet?
Yeah, I flush.
(04:58):
After I shit, immediately.
No, while you're on it yeah,after I shit, I flush.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
While you're on it yeah, after I shit, I flush.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Do you reach over your shoulder and hit the button
while you're still sitting?
Well, I don't have to reachover my shoulder.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
It's to the left of me.
Okay, it's kind of eye level.
It's kind of weird.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Fuck out of here, stop fucking, dangling my feet
off the fucking seat.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Here's the question, because I find myself doing this
more and more.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Do you flush before you wipe?
Yes, then wipe.
Yes, then flush the second time.
Yes, I'll flush six times.
No, I'll flush six fucking.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Every time you hear a piece of shit hit the water,
you spiral it down that tube,huh I'm like you're going down
right away.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
You know, I, I, I, I, uh, I don't.
I've had clogging issues beforeand you know I don't want to
have clogging issues.
So I mean, the first thing I dois I flush at the right shit,
so I don't look at it.
But but recently, um, I've beenhaving pains like abdominal,
bad cramping, fucking pains.
(06:06):
So, um, I was sitting on thetoilet the other day and I
started feeling this like weirddrip, no joke, weird drip.
And I looked.
I mean, I could not not lookdown, look down, it was blood
like straight up, cut someone,cut me down there, my ass
(06:27):
dripping into the toilet so youwent out to your wife and told
her no, I walked out to my wifeas it's dripping.
What the fuck is wrong?
Why is this doing this?
Speaker 3 (06:40):
just a door of the explorer band bandaid over your
asshole.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
No, she got a fucking used diaper or an old diaper.
Put it on me, no, I didn't know.
Still fits.
I was scared man.
So after that I started lookingat my shit then more closely,
because I don't look at it LikeI said, it freaks me out.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
It took a bleeding rectum for you to actually
glance at your shit, true it didit did, it did.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
So I started um, I started for the past couple
weeks, started looking at andthere's always been some
coloration of blood in my stool.
So I'm like, fuck, my stomachstill hurts, there's something
wrong.
So I tell my mom, and my mom islike so you called your mom
before you told your wife.
Well, my wife already knew aboutthe dripping of the blood so I
(07:35):
didn't tell her, my mom aboutthat.
I told mom about the blood andthe poop and she kept nagging on
me to go to the doctor, go tothe doctor, go to the doctor.
My sister just had acolonoscopy.
She had a baby.
It was hemorrhoids.
I got hemorrhoids.
Not afraid to, I'm not ashamedto admit it.
I got hemorrhoids.
(07:55):
So that's what I assumedFucking hemorrhoids.
Okay, fine, whatever Deal withthe hemorrhoids.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
That's what happens when you have hemorrhoids.
You believe in your shit.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
So I just I mean, the stomach ache started getting
worse and worse and I was like,fuck it, Go to the doctor now.
Now I'm going to the doctor.
So in my mind, all I'm thinkingabout is, when I get to the
doctor's office, he's going totake his finger and he's going
(08:26):
to shove it up my scooboo.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
So you're doctor's man.
Yes, he is a man, okay.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I would rather be a man.
I'd rather be a man than awoman.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
You'd rather a man shove another finger up your ass
.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yeah, okay.
So I got my date scheduled togo to the doctor.
Okay, got my day scheduled.
I was prepared.
I got off work two hours early,went home, I took a shower.
I shaved a little bit because Iwanted to make sure that
nothing was intruding into hisprobal.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
You didn't want anything to get caught up in
there.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
You didn't want the big bushy butt hair, which he
really didn't want is for him tocall in the nurse and be like
nurse, can you please come inhere?
And he came in and shaved yourbutthole I'm imagining what jay
and his uh, his level ofhairiness.
(09:22):
They had to clip it back likewhen they cut someone's hair.
You fucking dick With them.
Little clompy clips that womenuse.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Like a horseshoer reshoeing a horse.
They're just scraping it off.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Because the doctor's worried about the hair wrapping
around his finger when he'sputting it in.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
You're fucking sick.
If that was true, that would besick hey you're the one putting
these images in my head.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
It's like it's its own animal that is going to suck
the doctor in elbow deep andnever let go.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
The doctor's like boy , this hair looks angry.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
What the fuck are you talking about?
His hair is angry, all right.
So then what?
Okay, so I was preparing for it.
Man, just like you do for atattoo, you help all your tattoo
artists, you shave the area.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
So did you knock it down with an electric and then
go at it with a razor, or didyou try to get it all with the
razor?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
dude, I ain't going to razor on my ass.
You kidding me?
No, I would cut the shit out ofmy ass.
He'd be like what are you doingto your asshole?
If I, if I tried a razor or uh,whatever, so no, I cleaned it
up.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
so you turn on the vibrator and you stuck it on
your butthole Go on, so I gothome early.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
I got two hours to prep for this.
Got home early, took a shower.
I scrubbed it up.
I cleaned that shit up realnice.
I put on some perfume.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
What level of clean did you do?
How deep did you go with thiscleaning?
Speaker 2 (11:03):
I never put my finger in my butt.
That's why I'm scared topractice.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
So you only did the surface area I never put my
finger in my butt.
That's why I'm scared topractice.
So you only did the surfacearea.
Yeah, I rubbed all the bumps.
Did you do a?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
bar of soap in your hand?
Or did you use a washcloth thistime?
Who uses a washcloth?
Those are fucking sinks.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
I just scrub it on my fucking chest here.
That's enough of a washcloth.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Just took two extra swipes up and down with the old
bar soap huh so I cleaned myselfin the shower okay, guys, and
um got out, put my.
I was getting prepared shaved,fucking uh.
I even shaved my balls, I don'tknow why.
They were kind of hairy.
It's winter, you didn't want to.
You didn't want to be judged.
I, I know I didn't, because Iknew I had to take everything
(11:48):
off, just like a woman with herlegs.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Like it's winter, I don't have to shave my legs.
You do the same thing with yourpaws.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Do it.
My dick looks so big after Igot out of that shower.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Nice.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
So after that.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Every drain was clogged in the building.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
A fucking animal came out of the drain, you dick.
So I got ready.
I put perfume on Fuckingdeodorant.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
You're really trying to impress this doctor, eh?
Just a little splash of stetsonright on the asshole, huh dude.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
I don't know if he's not gonna wear gloves or not.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
I was prepared for anything any doctor that goes in
raw dog, just fingernailfucking cuts all inside your
asshole.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Oh my god, if he would have done that, he would
have cut my hemorrhoids off andI would have been bleeding more.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
And hopefully lost his medical license.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
So I can't even get past the shower.
So I'm all ready to go.
I'm smelling good.
I'm feeling good.
I changed my clothes, Got offwork early, like I said.
You know I'm walking good, I'mfeeling good.
I changed my clothes, got offwork early, Like I said.
I'm walking in with my Ferrari,fucking Puma sweatpants.
I'm doing the fucking shimmy,shimmy, shimmy.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Right, the same red ones you're wearing.
Yeah, did you wear those tomask the?
Speaker 2 (13:23):
blood.
This was today.
I'm shimmying myself up tocheck in.
I check in, blah blah, wait forthe doctor or wait for the
nurse to bring me in, do all myvitals and then the doctor comes
in.
I'm like what's up, doc?
And he's usually a hand him hisbouquet of flowers.
Yeah, usually my doctor is kindof quiet and he must have read
(13:44):
my chart because he knew what hewas in store for.
At least I thought I knew whatI was in store for.
He read my chart.
He knew that anus bleeding, sothere is going to be a problem
here.
So he walked in and he did thesame shit he does every fucking
time I've seen him.
I've seen him since I wasfucking 18, 17.
(14:07):
But this was your first timeshowing him your bottle was
fucking 18, 17.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
But this was your first time showing him your
butthole right.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
First date?
Well, I didn't show my butthole.
No, not the first date.
I didn't show my butthole yet.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I did not show him my butthole yet, but I've shown
him my dick.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
You walked in the room with your pants off.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
You're like let's go, no, no, no, I had pants off.
You're like let's go?
No, no, I had my pants off,that's over.
Before he opened the door, whenhe came into the fucking room,
I was that ready just waiting.
No, motherfucker, I was not.
I was sitting there with mylegs crossed, ready for my
appointment to start, shut yourface.
So doc comes in and he's likehey, how you doing you doing?
(14:46):
How you doing you doing good,great, yeah, yeah, you not
feeling so good, right, lee?
And he's Oriental.
That's my best Oriental accent.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
Oh, I thought he was just mentally handicapped.
I'm like damn.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
He's like hey, you know what?
You look good.
You look good, you look healthy.
What's wrong?
What's going on?
I'm like, uh, I mean I don'tknow what way to tell you, but
I'm bleeding on my butt.
My butt's been bleeding.
He's like oh, that's not good,that's not good, let's check you
out.
Takes my vitals, takes my earthing.
They all do the same, stupidfuck.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
That's funny that he checks your ears for a bloody
anus.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I know right, gotta make sure, gotta make sure.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
That's how they make a little extra.
He's like well, it could beThey'll make a little Nope, nope
.
That's how they make a littleextra money, tony, don't you
know how the fucking doctor'soffice works Real quick time out
.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
I've done a little research on hemorrho says one of
the main symptoms and don'ttake this wrong.
Did he ask you if you hadexperienced or experimented in
anal sex?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
He did ask, didn't he ?
No, no, he didn't ask.
Why didn't he ask?
Because, you're not, he knowsthem straight.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
The reasons here are extra weight.
You don't look extra weightlike obesity.
That doesn't seem to be yourproblem.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait.
If you do anal sex, you get fat.
It's one of the causes.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
What One of the causes is?
Okay, so you could have eitherbeen pushing when you poop right
.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
I think Jameis understood you.
He said if you do anal sex, youget fat.
You said yes, I missed it.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
You said yes, no the causes of hemorrhoids.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Okay, Sorry, I couldn't let that just fly by.
He said yes.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
I believed it.
I know I missed it.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I believed it.
I thought wait, that's why allthose gay guys are fat.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
So I'm looking at all of these causes and you don't
have extra weight, you're notpregnant with a uterus pressing
on your veins.
You don't have a diet low infiber, because I think all you
eat is beans and roughage rightand then the other one is
pushing.
When you poop, which I guess ispossible, you're doing
(17:04):
something physically hard, whichI automatically eliminated as
well.
And then anal sex, so Iautomatically eliminated as well
.
And then anal sex, so I justdidn't know.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
So does it say anything about holding your shit
in because you have no bathroomto?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
poop in.
You are constipated.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
No, no no, no, I have to shit.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I'm holding it in because I have no bathroom, did
the doctor tell you that one?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
No, that's my own fucking experience.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Web ND does not tell you about that.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
How many bathrooms are in your place?
No, no, when I'm at the job,tony, I'm at the job.
There's no bathroom.
I have to hold my shit in so Iget my fucking work done.
I don't go to the bathroom.
I don't be like I got to go tothe bathroom like you and be
like let's go to the gas stationbecause I got to shit.
I hold my shit in and I get myfucking work done.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
I only shit on company time.
Okay, I hold that shit.
Your company, it's your time, Iknow that's what's cool about
it.
So all right, I threw you offthere, so he didn't ask about no
okay, go on.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
that would be fucking crazy.
If you did, I would have toldyou immediately.
But no, he didn't ask that.
He asked simple questionsHeadache, stomach aches, yes,
yes, yes.
And then I just went on thewhat do we call it?
The table chair, the doctor'schair?
Speaker 3 (18:25):
I don't know what it was.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
This is your alien abduction I don't know what you
call it the alien abduction notmy um what tony just said.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Yes, the exam table the uncomfortable exam table sat
on the one with the rolledcraft paper over the top of it
yes, like that's gonna stop theaids from transferring no, it's.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
It's like what they use in porter john's to wipe
your ass.
It's like the most primitivecondom ever the paper, the
butcher paper, like yes, that'swhat it is like when you walk
into the room.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
They make a big deal out of it, like hold on, and
then they fucking pull out ninefeet of it and use a little
cutter on the bottom and you'relike okay, you're good I've
never seen them do that.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
They do that before you go in, then I've always been
sitting on dirty fucking paper.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Usually, I always look for wrinkle marks on it.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
I'm like I don't want their aids.
I should have looked at thatcan I get a different condom?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
I mean paper please.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
And then uh he's.
He starts like um lotty dotty,starts like Lottie Dottie,
talking very calmly to me aboutFerraris.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
And I'm like, oh yeah , obviously you're helping him
buy one.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
And I'm thinking to myself what the fuck Is he
trying to relax?
Speaker 1 (19:40):
me.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
What the fuck is he doing what?
And he's like he's not onlytalking to me about them, he's
nudging me with his shoulder,but I'm still thinking he's
trying to relax me because he'sabout to put his figure on my
ass.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
How many times have you been able to see somebody's
butthole without a little bit ofsmooth talking or money?
Speaker 3 (20:01):
being exchanged.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Warm up.
You got to warm them up, Likeeven when you're at one of the
nice gentleman's clubs and yousit down and you're having a
drink and a nice young ladycomes up to you and starts
talking to you you don't justbend her over and look at her
butthole.
You start talking nice to her alittle bit.
Ask her about what kind of carshe drives, tell her about your.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
Ferrari right now, or whatever.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
So I felt like a piece of meat right there.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Yeah, he was dolling you up, dude.
He was trying to make it lessawkward for himself.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
At that point, my sphincter was getting tighter.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
It was not making me less nervous.
That's not good news whensomebody's about to go two
knuckles deep, I know.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
And I was getting more nervous.
I'm sitting there justclenching and I'm like don't let
it go, just relax, just relax,because you're about to get
something shoved up there andyou've never had that before,
never.
Don't look at me like that.
It's not believable.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Don't look at me like that, the more times you tell
me how much never it happened,the less believable it is, I was
, so this joke sucks, but youjust this sounds like an article
I read about one of the kidsfrom Epstein Island.
Was your doctor in a wheelchair, talked kind of with his
(21:33):
robotic stance.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Thank you for coming in today to visit me at the
doctor okay, sorry I threw youoff there again so we're getting
to the end of the end of thisappointment so, and he ruled out
your eyes, your blood pressure,your ears.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Yep, everything was great.
All right, tonsils are goodeverything is great.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Okay, now it tells me to get off now it's time for
this doctor to make some realmotherfucking money snap, go the
gloves.
Now it tells me to get offtable and now he's starting to
put the gloves on talking again,talking about the fucking
Ferrari.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
So if you had to as he's Hold on.
Before we get to this, whatsize gloves would you say this
man wore?
Oh, he grabbed the smalls, Okay.
I felt a little better rightwhen he grabbed the smalls you
said he was Asian, so I wasassuming it was a smaller glove.
But you said he was Asian, so Iwas assuming it was a smaller
glove.
But you know, the last thingyou want is an NBA player
Fucking 14-inch index finger.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
He's got to call out to the nurse, doc.
Hey, can you go into room 102?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
That's where I keep the XXL gloves Girth on him like
a white claw.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That's crazy that you say that, because when he
reached for the small, I wasfucking excited.
So he's got the gloves in hishands, he's putting them on,
he's taking his time puttingthem on too, so it's like it's
getting way more overwhelming atthis point right, well, it
takes a while.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
His hands are all sweaty his first time he's ever
done this.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
And then I'm just like okay, what's fucking next?
Where do I face?
Do I face the wall?
Do I face the door?
Do I face you?
And I get off the table.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
I don't know where the fuck I'm going.
If he's got to reach throughyour legs to get the digit up
your butt hole, of course youturn around and you get doggy
style I don't know what the fuckto do.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
I don't know where he's going.
There's so many places that hecould have gone that.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
I could have turned and he still would have been
facing me.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Okay, so I get off the fucking table.
I get off the table and thenhe's facing me and he's like can
you uh face the the west wall?
Do it?
You know, my g, my, my nash, oruh, my national?
My fucking ability tounderstand, uh, where you are at
(24:02):
concept of where I am.
When he says west wall, I'mlike, you're like I got a one in
four chance.
I told him I told him justfucking point.
I'm like where, where?
Point, what?
What's the west wall?
Speaker 3 (24:15):
so I'm turning like look at the picture of the cat
hanging from the branch thatsays have a nice day.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
So I turn, um, I turn and look at any wall I wanted.
And then he positioned himselfin his way and actually I was
again.
I turned around again For somereason.
It was weird because I turnedaround again because I thought
he said look at me.
(24:43):
So I turned around again and Ilooked at him.
He's like, no, look over there.
And then I turned around againand I looked at him.
He's like no, look over there.
And then I turned around andlooked over there and he's like
take your pants down.
So I took my pants down andyour underwear and I was like,
oh, okay.
And then I took my underweardown and then he's like now I
(25:06):
need you to bend over at thispoint.
Bending over was impossible.
And he's like now I need you tobend over At this point bending
over was impossible because Iwas literally against the bed.
So I'm like you backed that assup for him God damn it, Chris.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
So you slowly backed that ass up for the doc is what
you're telling me yes, I havelike doc, can you?
Speaker 2 (25:33):
I mean, I'm gonna have to touch you with my ass if
you don't move.
I had to kind of nudge him withmy butt cheeks.
Nice to push him away, becauseI had no way of bending over.
The fucking chair was rightthere.
I just got fucking off of itand then I didn't know what to
do with my hands.
So I was kind of like I feltlike play-doh I didn't know what
to do with my hands.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
You felt just like will, ferrell and talladega
knights.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Yeah so I was like um , I'm like I don't know.
I was like waving my hands,like for help, I don't know what
.
I didn't know what to do.
At this point I was like shouldI?
I mean, I wanted to ask, but Ifelt like I shouldn't ask
because that's like stupid.
Like I know where to put myhands, I'm a human being and
(26:18):
he's like it sounds like you'rea touch nervous I was super
nervous.
My sphincter was like I couldn'teven fart dude so, and he was
like well, just relax, justrelax, you, just you don't.
And like he doesn't have, likehe doesn't give me specific uh
rules, and that I'm almost.
I'm not.
I'm not a genius, okay, I needsome person to tell me what to
(26:43):
do, especially when I don't knowwhat the fuck is going on.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
You need guidance when you're the first time
you're receiving a first timer.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
So I didn't tell him what to fucking do with my hands
.
I didn't want to say whatshould I do with my hands.
He said spread it, spread it orspread something, whatever I do
, I don't know how he put it, Ican't remember the words.
But he said spread.
So I just kind of spread mylegs, I, I opened my legs up a
little bit more and I was like Ikind of I didn't do the splits
(27:13):
because I just got you in ahuman starfish right now.
Yes, exactly, yeah.
So I'm kind of balancing in theair butt naked.
Actually I had my shirt on.
He didn't.
He didn't tell me to take myshirt off, because that would
have been way weird, way moreweird.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
Socks too bud.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
I don't do socks.
You're going to have to takethose off.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
He said spread, spread it, spread them, spread
them.
Whatever he said, it was spread.
So that's all I thought was myfucking legs.
I opened them up and I was like, oh yeah, okay, you mean,
you're my cheeks.
So then I grabbed my cheeks,spread my cheeks With my hands,
and he For one second Just goesHuh, I'm not hemorrhoids.
(28:02):
And then done man.
No finger in the ass.
He didn't go blind.
No up the butthole, nolubrication.
I asked my wife even before Iwent there.
I was like do I have to bringmy own lube for this?
Speaker 3 (28:15):
I mean, how do I, if you're brand specific?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
yeah, I mean I was so excited that like I kind of
hopped before I put my clothesback on, I was was like yes, no,
figure up the ass.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
Don't worry, bro, it's coming.
What You're getting to?
That?
Speaker 2 (28:31):
age.
Yeah, but I heard when you dothe colonoscopy because that's
what I have to do now they putme under because my sister just
had one.
Speaker 3 (28:40):
I mean maybe not all the way, though Motherfucker
they might want you to be up toenjoy it.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Give you like three glasses of rosé here.
Sip on this juice box for us.
We're going to start yourprocedure soon.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
So basically, the moral of everything in your life
is don't be so scared andworried.
Don't be so scared and worriedabout what will happen, because
sometimes it won't happen.
I had no finger up the ass.
I thought all day long.
I was nervous about the fingerup the ass.
I didn't know if maybe hecouldn't get it up there because
my hemorrhoids are so big, ormaybe he didn't have more lube,
(29:17):
or he might need help.
Speaker 3 (29:19):
I can't believe your hemorrhoids are so big.
His fingers got to go oncrooked.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
Or he might need some kind of hammering tool to
fucking get it up there, highenough to feel the probe.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
It took the fear of another man's finger to get in
your asshole for you to realize,to not worry about shit that's
not going to happen, right?
So I was thinking about thisand I was wondering, because all
the craze was these virtualvisits.
What's a virtual visit?
Look?
Speaker 3 (29:51):
like you got to shove your own finger up your asshole
on camera.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I'm going to need you to turn on your camera and set
your phone up against the wall.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Wait, did your camera come off the computer?
I'm going to need you, Sir.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
I'm going to need you to pull the tape off your
camera.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
The FBI listening in to the conversation between your
doctor and yourself, as he'sasking you to bend over and
spread them.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Don't you know, Chris , that they send you a camera
that goes up your ass in themail earlier before?
Speaker 1 (30:25):
your appointment.
How bad would it be to be on avirtual appointment and the
doctor puts gloves on anyway?
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Force of habit.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
You're like Doc what?
Speaker 3 (30:36):
was that rubber.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
You just slapped on.
Oh, those are my gloves.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Wait, Doc, why are you wearing gloves?
I'm not even next to you.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Literally showing your asshole and hanging scrotum
to a camera.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
And then he's got his dick in his hand and you're
like wait, I didn't sign up forthis, but if I'm getting free,
appointments, you're like I'mnever getting another doctor off
Craigslist ever.
If I'm getting a freeappointment, I'm fine.
If this appointment is free, dowhatever you fucking want.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
So what'd they give you, Jay so?
Speaker 2 (31:08):
basically I have A cream.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Yeah exactly, drink some water, you're right, no, no
, try to have soft stools.
Add some fiber to your diet.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
No, basically just cream, and I'm going to see a.
He didn't tell you to drinkmore water.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
No, to sit in the bath.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
No, just sit in the bath.
No, I'm getting a colonoscopyit must not be that bad.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
How long were you bleeding for?
Three days before you went tothe doc, the first time you
noticed blood.
You're like I got to go to thedoctor.
Two years, Two years you've hadblood leaking out your ass.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Yes, you should have went to the doctor a long time.
I told you I don't look at it.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
For two years have you been afraid of a doctor
sticking?
Speaker 3 (31:46):
his finger in your body All over a finger.
Well, I don't want anything upthere, dude, I'm going to have
to text your wife about this.
Everything goes out.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Nothing goes in, okay .
Speaker 3 (31:54):
No, you're getting to the age where things are going
to have to go away.
What does that even mean?
Doctor visits are going to bevery uncomfortable from this
point forward in your life,especially now that you're a
known anal bleeder Dude.
That's in your chart.
Now that shit doesn't go away.
(32:14):
Every doctor, from this pointindefinitely, is going to be
looking at your chart.
Every nurse, no, every nurse'sassistant is going to be like so
you still bleed out the asshole.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Jay's going to be calling around looking for a new
doctor and they're going to belike oh, it says here in your
chart.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
It's the same question Are you a smoker and
are you an ass bleeder?
I'm like no for both.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
I don't want my insurance going so a little
preparation h and you're good togo I don't know what the fuck
he gave me?
Speaker 3 (32:50):
I didn't get it.
So before your next doctor'sappointment, just have your wife
take a look just put a digit upthere, no just no loosen it up
a little bit.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
Is she courageous?
Courageous enough to use hertongue?
Oh my god, that's disgustingfuck no, just asking fuck no I'm
just asking it's less offensivethan a finger I am not offended
at all.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
I don't give a shit, I just just don't do that.
That's fucking disgusting.
Tossing the salad who you guysEver?
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Have you been asked to place a tiny rubber band
around it to block the bloodsupply?
Speaker 2 (33:35):
That's called getting rid of a wart.
That's a skin tag, not afucking hemorrhoid.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Use a laser to seal off the vessels that provide
blood to the hemorrhoid.
You guys didn't answer myquestion about.
I'm not going to discuss mypersonal sex life on this radio
station, tossing a salad.
Speaker 3 (33:53):
It's 2024, I mean I feel like it's almost mandatory
now oh, my god, you're fuckingcrazy dude.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
dude, isn't it?
I don't even know how?
No, you don't, you're lying.
I don't even know how no, youdon't, you're lying.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
I don't know.
I can't discuss relationshipsprior to the one I'm in with my
own wife now.
Oh my God.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
Fuck it.
For some reason I have to pee.
Really bad right now.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
This is so weird.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
So this is my story about the anal bleeding blockage
.
What the fuck do you want tocall it?
Speaker 1 (34:22):
We shall call the episode Finger in the Anal,
maybe not.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
With a little S on there.
Thanks for listening guys Nextweek, you know there might be
another anal story Peace.
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Now, have you guys ever had an anal parole by a
professional?
Speaker 3 (00:30):
I have not actually, and due to my advancing age, I
need to get in and have somebodyget two or three fingers up
there and figure out what'sgoing on.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
I feel like it's on the calendar for me too.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
You know what's crazy is.
I tried to make an appointmentto go to the colonoscopy.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Colonologist.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
What is it?
It's stupid.
The butt doc.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Right after I got this procedure done and they
were like, because of your age,we need to get consent with your
doctor.
And I'm like I just went to thedoctor and they were like, well
, you have probably did you justknow.
Well, they said age.
That's what I'm assuming.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
You're too young for like just an automatic
fingerprint.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, so yeah, because you know I do
believe that most doctors don'twant to stick digits in your
butt.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
I was that was my like I don't want to get ahead
here, but I that was my firstquestion was like what do you
think the doctor feels when he'slike all right, I gotta take
this grown-ass man and bend himover and tell him to spread his
butt cheeks so I could lookdirectly into his butthole.
Like I've been married for adecade and I still feel
(01:53):
uncomfortable looking directlyinto my wife's butthole.
How does a doctor feel lookingat a stranger's butthole.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
I'd rather look at a stranger's butthole than
somebody I love, if we're justbeing honest with each other I
feel like, I feel like with astranger.
You can just be like all right,now you gotta go but I would
feel really weird telling mywife like I can't look you in
the eye right now you arelooking in their eye right now.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Okay, here's the thing, though like okay, so for
the past couple weeks I've beenhaving some blood in my stool
okay, in or on, because they'revery different that's weird that
you say that, because thatdoctor asked me that same
question was it inside of yourstool poop shit, or was it like
(02:46):
surrounding it?
How does that fucking why?
Speaker 1 (02:50):
does that make a difference?
Because if it's from the inside, that means it's going through
your body Like your tummy.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
your stomach, I mean, is like bleeding and you're
shitting out blood from theinside versus your butt just
leaking blood onto your poop,that makes sense, but just
leaking blood onto your boob.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
That makes sense.
Now that I think of it, thatactually does make sense.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Because your asshole's sphincter is shut and
blood can collect there.
But until you shit, it does notcome out is what you're saying?
Sure, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
Gotcha, so is it in the shit?
Speaker 2 (03:23):
or is it coming just surrounding the shit, like just
making it turn red?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Seems like a good question.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
So I don't always look at it.
Is that a weird thing?
I hate looking at them.
I don't that's a thing youshould be doing in your life.
It's a healthy thing to do islook at your stool as you go to
the bathroom.
I don't ever look at it Iusually don't.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I didn't start late into my 30s, Late into my 30s.
I'm like you know what, I'mgetting really old here.
I'm going to have to startreally analyzing this shit.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I don't think I've ever not looked.
Do you flush the toilet whilesitting down, tony takes
chopsticks and fucking moves itaround.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It's like whoa.
I don't remember eating thatfucking thing.
What is that hard thing rightthere?
Speaker 3 (04:08):
No, I do got a special pair of tongs that I
break it up with just to seewhat consistency.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
My dad always tells a story about his grandkids not
my kids, his daughter's kids.
Their shits are so big that hehas to take a spatula and drop
it up to flush it because itwill not go down.
Okay, that's fucking disgusting, but that's fucking true.
Let's get back to the doctorvisit here, buddy.
(04:38):
Okay, I'm bleeding, Bleeding outof the ass.
I don't look at my shitnormally because I don't like it
.
I don't like looking at it, itgrosses me out.
I'm the type that shits andflushes.
I'm courteous, I look out forother people's well-being and
smell.
So do you flush while you'resitting on the toilet?
Yeah, I flush.
(04:58):
After I shit, immediately.
No, while you're on it yeah,after I shit, I flush.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
While you're on it yeah, after I shit, I flush.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Do you reach over your shoulder and hit the button
while you're still sitting?
Well, I don't have to reachover my shoulder.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
It's to the left of me.
Okay, it's kind of eye level.
It's kind of weird.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Fuck out of here, stop fucking, dangling my feet
off the fucking seat.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Here's the question, because I find myself doing this
more and more.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Do you flush before you wipe?
Yes, then wipe.
Yes, then flush the second time.
Yes, I'll flush six times.
No, I'll flush six fucking.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Every time you hear a piece of shit hit the water,
you spiral it down that tube,huh I'm like you're going down
right away.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
You know, I, I, I, I, uh, I don't.
I've had clogging issues beforeand you know I don't want to
have clogging issues.
So I mean, the first thing I dois I flush at the right shit,
so I don't look at it.
But but recently, um, I've beenhaving pains like abdominal,
bad cramping, fucking pains.
(06:06):
So, um, I was sitting on thetoilet the other day and I
started feeling this like weirddrip, no joke, weird drip.
And I looked.
I mean, I could not not lookdown, look down, it was blood
like straight up, cut someone,cut me down there, my ass
(06:27):
dripping into the toilet so youwent out to your wife and told
her no, I walked out to my wifeas it's dripping.
What the fuck is wrong?
Why is this doing this?
Speaker 3 (06:40):
just a door of the explorer band bandaid over your
asshole.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
No, she got a fucking used diaper or an old diaper.
Put it on me, no, I didn't know.
Still fits.
I was scared man.
So after that I started lookingat my shit then more closely,
because I don't look at it LikeI said, it freaks me out.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
It took a bleeding rectum for you to actually
glance at your shit, true it didit did, it did.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
So I started um, I started for the past couple
weeks, started looking at andthere's always been some
coloration of blood in my stool.
So I'm like, fuck, my stomachstill hurts, there's something
wrong.
So I tell my mom, and my mom islike so you called your mom
before you told your wife.
Well, my wife already knew aboutthe dripping of the blood so I
(07:35):
didn't tell her, my mom aboutthat.
I told mom about the blood andthe poop and she kept nagging on
me to go to the doctor, go tothe doctor, go to the doctor.
My sister just had acolonoscopy.
She had a baby.
It was hemorrhoids.
I got hemorrhoids.
Not afraid to, I'm not ashamedto admit it.
I got hemorrhoids.
(07:55):
So that's what I assumedFucking hemorrhoids.
Okay, fine, whatever Deal withthe hemorrhoids.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
That's what happens when you have hemorrhoids.
You believe in your shit.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
So I just I mean, the stomach ache started getting
worse and worse and I was like,fuck it, Go to the doctor now.
Now I'm going to the doctor.
So in my mind, all I'm thinkingabout is, when I get to the
doctor's office, he's going totake his finger and he's going
(08:26):
to shove it up my scooboo.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
So you're doctor's man.
Yes, he is a man, okay.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I would rather be a man.
I'd rather be a man than awoman.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
You'd rather a man shove another finger up your ass
.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yeah, okay.
So I got my date scheduled togo to the doctor.
Okay, got my day scheduled.
I was prepared.
I got off work two hours early,went home, I took a shower.
I shaved a little bit because Iwanted to make sure that
nothing was intruding into hisprobal.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
You didn't want anything to get caught up in
there.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
You didn't want the big bushy butt hair, which he
really didn't want is for him tocall in the nurse and be like
nurse, can you please come inhere?
And he came in and shaved yourbutthole I'm imagining what jay
and his uh, his level ofhairiness.
(09:22):
They had to clip it back likewhen they cut someone's hair.
You fucking dick With them.
Little clompy clips that womenuse.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Like a horseshoer reshoeing a horse.
They're just scraping it off.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Because the doctor's worried about the hair wrapping
around his finger when he'sputting it in.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
You're fucking sick.
If that was true, that would besick hey you're the one putting
these images in my head.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
It's like it's its own animal that is going to suck
the doctor in elbow deep andnever let go.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
The doctor's like boy , this hair looks angry.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
What the fuck are you talking about?
His hair is angry, all right.
So then what?
Okay, so I was preparing for it.
Man, just like you do for atattoo, you help all your tattoo
artists, you shave the area.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
So did you knock it down with an electric and then
go at it with a razor, or didyou try to get it all with the
razor?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
dude, I ain't going to razor on my ass.
You kidding me?
No, I would cut the shit out ofmy ass.
He'd be like what are you doingto your asshole?
If I, if I tried a razor or uh,whatever, so no, I cleaned it
up.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
so you turn on the vibrator and you stuck it on
your butthole Go on, so I gothome early.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
I got two hours to prep for this.
Got home early, took a shower.
I scrubbed it up.
I cleaned that shit up realnice.
I put on some perfume.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
What level of clean did you do?
How deep did you go with thiscleaning?
Speaker 2 (11:03):
I never put my finger in my butt.
That's why I'm scared topractice.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
So you only did the surface area I never put my
finger in my butt.
That's why I'm scared topractice.
So you only did the surfacearea.
Yeah, I rubbed all the bumps.
Did you do a?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
bar of soap in your hand?
Or did you use a washcloth thistime?
Who uses a washcloth?
Those are fucking sinks.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
I just scrub it on my fucking chest here.
That's enough of a washcloth.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Just took two extra swipes up and down with the old
bar soap huh so I cleaned myselfin the shower okay, guys, and
um got out, put my.
I was getting prepared shaved,fucking uh.
I even shaved my balls, I don'tknow why.
They were kind of hairy.
It's winter, you didn't want to.
You didn't want to be judged.
I, I know I didn't, because Iknew I had to take everything
(11:48):
off, just like a woman with herlegs.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Like it's winter, I don't have to shave my legs.
You do the same thing with yourpaws.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Do it.
My dick looks so big after Igot out of that shower.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Nice.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
So after that.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Every drain was clogged in the building.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
A fucking animal came out of the drain, you dick.
So I got ready.
I put perfume on Fuckingdeodorant.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
You're really trying to impress this doctor, eh?
Just a little splash of stetsonright on the asshole, huh dude.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
I don't know if he's not gonna wear gloves or not.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
I was prepared for anything any doctor that goes in
raw dog, just fingernailfucking cuts all inside your
asshole.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Oh my god, if he would have done that, he would
have cut my hemorrhoids off andI would have been bleeding more.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
And hopefully lost his medical license.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
So I can't even get past the shower.
So I'm all ready to go.
I'm smelling good.
I'm feeling good.
I changed my clothes, Got offwork early, like I said.
You know I'm walking good, I'mfeeling good.
I changed my clothes, got offwork early, Like I said.
I'm walking in with my Ferrari,fucking Puma sweatpants.
I'm doing the fucking shimmy,shimmy, shimmy.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
Right, the same red ones you're wearing.
Yeah, did you wear those tomask the?
Speaker 2 (13:23):
blood.
This was today.
I'm shimmying myself up tocheck in.
I check in, blah blah, wait forthe doctor or wait for the
nurse to bring me in, do all myvitals and then the doctor comes
in.
I'm like what's up, doc?
And he's usually a hand him hisbouquet of flowers.
Yeah, usually my doctor is kindof quiet and he must have read
(13:44):
my chart because he knew what hewas in store for.
At least I thought I knew whatI was in store for.
He read my chart.
He knew that anus bleeding, sothere is going to be a problem
here.
So he walked in and he did thesame shit he does every fucking
time I've seen him.
I've seen him since I wasfucking 18, 17.
(14:07):
But this was your first timeshowing him your bottle was
fucking 18, 17.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
But this was your first time showing him your
butthole right.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
First date?
Well, I didn't show my butthole.
No, not the first date.
I didn't show my butthole yet.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I did not show him my butthole yet, but I've shown
him my dick.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
You walked in the room with your pants off.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
You're like let's go, no, no, no, I had pants off.
You're like let's go?
No, no, I had my pants off,that's over.
Before he opened the door, whenhe came into the fucking room,
I was that ready just waiting.
No, motherfucker, I was not.
I was sitting there with mylegs crossed, ready for my
appointment to start, shut yourface.
So doc comes in and he's likehey, how you doing you doing?
(14:46):
How you doing you doing good,great, yeah, yeah, you not
feeling so good, right, lee?
And he's Oriental.
That's my best Oriental accent.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
Oh, I thought he was just mentally handicapped.
I'm like damn.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
He's like hey, you know what?
You look good.
You look good, you look healthy.
What's wrong?
What's going on?
I'm like, uh, I mean I don'tknow what way to tell you, but
I'm bleeding on my butt.
My butt's been bleeding.
He's like oh, that's not good,that's not good, let's check you
out.
Takes my vitals, takes my earthing.
They all do the same, stupidfuck.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
That's funny that he checks your ears for a bloody
anus.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I know right, gotta make sure, gotta make sure.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
That's how they make a little extra.
He's like well, it could beThey'll make a little Nope, nope
.
That's how they make a littleextra money, tony, don't you
know how the fucking doctor'soffice works Real quick time out
.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
I've done a little research on hemorrho says one of
the main symptoms and don'ttake this wrong.
Did he ask you if you hadexperienced or experimented in
anal sex?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
He did ask, didn't he ?
No, no, he didn't ask.
Why didn't he ask?
Because, you're not, he knowsthem straight.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
The reasons here are extra weight.
You don't look extra weightlike obesity.
That doesn't seem to be yourproblem.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait.
If you do anal sex, you get fat.
It's one of the causes.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
What One of the causes is?
Okay, so you could have eitherbeen pushing when you poop right
.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
I think Jameis understood you.
He said if you do anal sex, youget fat.
You said yes, I missed it.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
You said yes, no the causes of hemorrhoids.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Okay, Sorry, I couldn't let that just fly by.
He said yes.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
I believed it.
I know I missed it.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I believed it.
I thought wait, that's why allthose gay guys are fat.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
So I'm looking at all of these causes and you don't
have extra weight, you're notpregnant with a uterus pressing
on your veins.
You don't have a diet low infiber, because I think all you
eat is beans and roughage rightand then the other one is
pushing.
When you poop, which I guess ispossible, you're doing
(17:04):
something physically hard, whichI automatically eliminated as
well.
And then anal sex, so Iautomatically eliminated as well
.
And then anal sex, so I justdidn't know.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
So does it say anything about holding your shit
in because you have no bathroomto?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
poop in.
You are constipated.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
No, no no, no, I have to shit.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I'm holding it in because I have no bathroom, did
the doctor tell you that one?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
No, that's my own fucking experience.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Web ND does not tell you about that.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
How many bathrooms are in your place?
No, no, when I'm at the job,tony, I'm at the job.
There's no bathroom.
I have to hold my shit in so Iget my fucking work done.
I don't go to the bathroom.
I don't be like I got to go tothe bathroom like you and be
like let's go to the gas stationbecause I got to shit.
I hold my shit in and I get myfucking work done.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
I only shit on company time.
Okay, I hold that shit.
Your company, it's your time, Iknow that's what's cool about
it.
So all right, I threw you offthere, so he didn't ask about no
okay, go on.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
that would be fucking crazy.
If you did, I would have toldyou immediately.
But no, he didn't ask that.
He asked simple questionsHeadache, stomach aches, yes,
yes, yes.
And then I just went on thewhat do we call it?
The table chair, the doctor'schair?
Speaker 3 (18:25):
I don't know what it was.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
This is your alien abduction I don't know what you
call it the alien abduction notmy um what tony just said.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Yes, the exam table the uncomfortable exam table sat
on the one with the rolledcraft paper over the top of it
yes, like that's gonna stop theaids from transferring no, it's.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
It's like what they use in porter john's to wipe
your ass.
It's like the most primitivecondom ever the paper, the
butcher paper, like yes, that'swhat it is like when you walk
into the room.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
They make a big deal out of it, like hold on, and
then they fucking pull out ninefeet of it and use a little
cutter on the bottom and you'relike okay, you're good I've
never seen them do that.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
They do that before you go in, then I've always been
sitting on dirty fucking paper.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Usually, I always look for wrinkle marks on it.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
I'm like I don't want their aids.
I should have looked at thatcan I get a different condom?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
I mean paper please.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
And then uh he's.
He starts like um lotty dotty,starts like Lottie Dottie,
talking very calmly to me aboutFerraris.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
And I'm like, oh yeah , obviously you're helping him
buy one.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
And I'm thinking to myself what the fuck Is he
trying to relax?
Speaker 1 (19:40):
me.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
What the fuck is he doing what?
And he's like he's not onlytalking to me about them, he's
nudging me with his shoulder,but I'm still thinking he's
trying to relax me because he'sabout to put his figure on my
ass.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
How many times have you been able to see somebody's
butthole without a little bit ofsmooth talking or money?
Speaker 3 (20:01):
being exchanged.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Warm up.
You got to warm them up, Likeeven when you're at one of the
nice gentleman's clubs and yousit down and you're having a
drink and a nice young ladycomes up to you and starts
talking to you you don't justbend her over and look at her
butthole.
You start talking nice to her alittle bit.
Ask her about what kind of carshe drives, tell her about your.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
Ferrari right now, or whatever.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
So I felt like a piece of meat right there.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Yeah, he was dolling you up, dude.
He was trying to make it lessawkward for himself.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
At that point, my sphincter was getting tighter.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
It was not making me less nervous.
That's not good news whensomebody's about to go two
knuckles deep, I know.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
And I was getting more nervous.
I'm sitting there justclenching and I'm like don't let
it go, just relax, just relax,because you're about to get
something shoved up there andyou've never had that before,
never.
Don't look at me like that.
It's not believable.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Don't look at me like that, the more times you tell
me how much never it happened,the less believable it is, I was
, so this joke sucks, but youjust this sounds like an article
I read about one of the kidsfrom Epstein Island.
Was your doctor in a wheelchair, talked kind of with his
(21:33):
robotic stance.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Thank you for coming in today to visit me at the
doctor okay, sorry I threw youoff there again so we're getting
to the end of the end of thisappointment so, and he ruled out
your eyes, your blood pressure,your ears.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Yep, everything was great.
All right, tonsils are goodeverything is great.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Okay, now it tells me to get off now it's time for
this doctor to make some realmotherfucking money snap, go the
gloves.
Now it tells me to get offtable and now he's starting to
put the gloves on talking again,talking about the fucking
Ferrari.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
So if you had to as he's Hold on.
Before we get to this, whatsize gloves would you say this
man wore?
Oh, he grabbed the smalls, Okay.
I felt a little better rightwhen he grabbed the smalls you
said he was Asian, so I wasassuming it was a smaller glove.
But you said he was Asian, so Iwas assuming it was a smaller
glove.
But you know, the last thingyou want is an NBA player
Fucking 14-inch index finger.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
He's got to call out to the nurse, doc.
Hey, can you go into room 102?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
That's where I keep the XXL gloves Girth on him like
a white claw.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That's crazy that you say that, because when he
reached for the small, I wasfucking excited.
So he's got the gloves in hishands, he's putting them on,
he's taking his time puttingthem on too, so it's like it's
getting way more overwhelming atthis point right, well, it
takes a while.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
His hands are all sweaty his first time he's ever
done this.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
And then I'm just like okay, what's fucking next?
Where do I face?
Do I face the wall?
Do I face the door?
Do I face you?
And I get off the table.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
I don't know where the fuck I'm going.
If he's got to reach throughyour legs to get the digit up
your butt hole, of course youturn around and you get doggy
style I don't know what the fuckto do.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
I don't know where he's going.
There's so many places that hecould have gone that.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
I could have turned and he still would have been
facing me.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Okay, so I get off the fucking table.
I get off the table and thenhe's facing me and he's like can
you uh face the the west wall?
Do it?
You know, my g, my, my nash, oruh, my national?
My fucking ability tounderstand, uh, where you are at
(24:02):
concept of where I am.
When he says west wall, I'mlike, you're like I got a one in
four chance.
I told him I told him justfucking point.
I'm like where, where?
Point, what?
What's the west wall?
Speaker 3 (24:15):
so I'm turning like look at the picture of the cat
hanging from the branch thatsays have a nice day.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
So I turn, um, I turn and look at any wall I wanted.
And then he positioned himselfin his way and actually I was
again.
I turned around again For somereason.
It was weird because I turnedaround again because I thought
he said look at me.
(24:43):
So I turned around again and Ilooked at him.
He's like, no, look over there.
And then I turned around againand I looked at him.
He's like no, look over there.
And then I turned around andlooked over there and he's like
take your pants down.
So I took my pants down andyour underwear and I was like,
oh, okay.
And then I took my underweardown and then he's like now I
(25:06):
need you to bend over at thispoint.
Bending over was impossible.
And he's like now I need you tobend over At this point bending
over was impossible because Iwas literally against the bed.
So I'm like you backed that assup for him God damn it, Chris.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
So you slowly backed that ass up for the doc is what
you're telling me yes, I havelike doc, can you?
Speaker 2 (25:33):
I mean, I'm gonna have to touch you with my ass if
you don't move.
I had to kind of nudge him withmy butt cheeks.
Nice to push him away, becauseI had no way of bending over.
The fucking chair was rightthere.
I just got fucking off of itand then I didn't know what to
do with my hands.
So I was kind of like I feltlike play-doh I didn't know what
to do with my hands.
Speaker 3 (25:53):
You felt just like will, ferrell and talladega
knights.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Yeah so I was like um , I'm like I don't know.
I was like waving my hands,like for help, I don't know what
.
I didn't know what to do.
At this point I was like shouldI?
I mean, I wanted to ask, but Ifelt like I shouldn't ask
because that's like stupid.
Like I know where to put myhands, I'm a human being and
(26:18):
he's like it sounds like you'rea touch nervous I was super
nervous.
My sphincter was like I couldn'teven fart dude so, and he was
like well, just relax, justrelax, you, just you don't.
And like he doesn't have, likehe doesn't give me specific uh
rules, and that I'm almost.
I'm not.
I'm not a genius, okay, I needsome person to tell me what to
(26:43):
do, especially when I don't knowwhat the fuck is going on.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
You need guidance when you're the first time
you're receiving a first timer.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
So I didn't tell him what to fucking do with my hands
.
I didn't want to say whatshould I do with my hands.
He said spread it, spread it orspread something, whatever I do
, I don't know how he put it, Ican't remember the words.
But he said spread.
So I just kind of spread mylegs, I, I opened my legs up a
little bit more and I was like Ikind of I didn't do the splits
(27:13):
because I just got you in ahuman starfish right now.
Yes, exactly, yeah.
So I'm kind of balancing in theair butt naked.
Actually I had my shirt on.
He didn't.
He didn't tell me to take myshirt off, because that would
have been way weird, way moreweird.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
Socks too bud.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
I don't do socks.
You're going to have to takethose off.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
He said spread, spread it, spread them, spread
them.
Whatever he said, it was spread.
So that's all I thought was myfucking legs.
I opened them up and I was like, oh yeah, okay, you mean,
you're my cheeks.
So then I grabbed my cheeks,spread my cheeks With my hands,
and he For one second Just goesHuh, I'm not hemorrhoids.
(28:02):
And then done man.
No finger in the ass.
He didn't go blind.
No up the butthole, nolubrication.
I asked my wife even before Iwent there.
I was like do I have to bringmy own lube for this?
Speaker 3 (28:15):
I mean, how do I, if you're brand specific?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
yeah, I mean I was so excited that like I kind of
hopped before I put my clothesback on, I was was like yes, no,
figure up the ass.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
Don't worry, bro, it's coming.
What You're getting to?
That?
Speaker 2 (28:31):
age.
Yeah, but I heard when you dothe colonoscopy because that's
what I have to do now they putme under because my sister just
had one.
Speaker 3 (28:40):
I mean maybe not all the way, though Motherfucker
they might want you to be up toenjoy it.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Give you like three glasses of rosé here.
Sip on this juice box for us.
We're going to start yourprocedure soon.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
So basically, the moral of everything in your life
is don't be so scared andworried.
Don't be so scared and worriedabout what will happen, because
sometimes it won't happen.
I had no finger up the ass.
I thought all day long.
I was nervous about the fingerup the ass.
I didn't know if maybe hecouldn't get it up there because
my hemorrhoids are so big, ormaybe he didn't have more lube,
(29:17):
or he might need help.
Speaker 3 (29:19):
I can't believe your hemorrhoids are so big.
His fingers got to go oncrooked.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
Or he might need some kind of hammering tool to
fucking get it up there, highenough to feel the probe.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
It took the fear of another man's finger to get in
your asshole for you to realize,to not worry about shit that's
not going to happen, right?
So I was thinking about thisand I was wondering, because all
the craze was these virtualvisits.
What's a virtual visit?
Look?
Speaker 3 (29:51):
like you got to shove your own finger up your asshole
on camera.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I'm going to need you to turn on your camera and set
your phone up against the wall.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Wait, did your camera come off the computer?
I'm going to need you, Sir.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
I'm going to need you to pull the tape off your
camera.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
The FBI listening in to the conversation between your
doctor and yourself, as he'sasking you to bend over and
spread them.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Don't you know, Chris , that they send you a camera
that goes up your ass in themail earlier before?
Speaker 1 (30:25):
your appointment.
How bad would it be to be on avirtual appointment and the
doctor puts gloves on anyway?
Speaker 3 (30:32):
Force of habit.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
You're like Doc what?
Speaker 3 (30:36):
was that rubber.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
You just slapped on.
Oh, those are my gloves.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Wait, Doc, why are you wearing gloves?
I'm not even next to you.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Literally showing your asshole and hanging scrotum
to a camera.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
And then he's got his dick in his hand and you're
like wait, I didn't sign up forthis, but if I'm getting free,
appointments, you're like I'mnever getting another doctor off
Craigslist ever.
If I'm getting a freeappointment, I'm fine.
If this appointment is free, dowhatever you fucking want.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
So what'd they give you, Jay so?
Speaker 2 (31:08):
basically I have A cream.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Yeah exactly, drink some water, you're right, no, no
, try to have soft stools.
Add some fiber to your diet.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
No, basically just cream, and I'm going to see a.
He didn't tell you to drinkmore water.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
No, to sit in the bath.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
No, just sit in the bath.
No, I'm getting a colonoscopyit must not be that bad.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
How long were you bleeding for?
Three days before you went tothe doc, the first time you
noticed blood.
You're like I got to go to thedoctor.
Two years, Two years you've hadblood leaking out your ass.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Yes, you should have went to the doctor a long time.
I told you I don't look at it.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
For two years have you been afraid of a doctor
sticking?
Speaker 3 (31:46):
his finger in your body All over a finger.
Well, I don't want anything upthere, dude, I'm going to have
to text your wife about this.
Everything goes out.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Nothing goes in, okay .
Speaker 3 (31:54):
No, you're getting to the age where things are going
to have to go away.
What does that even mean?
Doctor visits are going to bevery uncomfortable from this
point forward in your life,especially now that you're a
known anal bleeder Dude.
That's in your chart.
Now that shit doesn't go away.
(32:14):
Every doctor, from this pointindefinitely, is going to be
looking at your chart.
Every nurse, no, every nurse'sassistant is going to be like so
you still bleed out the asshole.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Jay's going to be calling around looking for a new
doctor and they're going to belike oh, it says here in your
chart.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
It's the same question Are you a smoker and
are you an ass bleeder?
I'm like no for both.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
I don't want my insurance going so a little
preparation h and you're good togo I don't know what the fuck
he gave me?
Speaker 3 (32:50):
I didn't get it.
So before your next doctor'sappointment, just have your wife
take a look just put a digit upthere, no just no loosen it up
a little bit.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
Is she courageous?
Courageous enough to use hertongue?
Oh my god, that's disgustingfuck no, just asking fuck no I'm
just asking it's less offensivethan a finger I am not offended
at all.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
I don't give a shit, I just just don't do that.
That's fucking disgusting.
Tossing the salad who you guysEver?
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Have you been asked to place a tiny rubber band
around it to block the bloodsupply?
Speaker 2 (33:35):
That's called getting rid of a wart.
That's a skin tag, not afucking hemorrhoid.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Use a laser to seal off the vessels that provide
blood to the hemorrhoid.
You guys didn't answer myquestion about.
I'm not going to discuss mypersonal sex life on this radio
station, tossing a salad.
Speaker 3 (33:53):
It's 2024, I mean I feel like it's almost mandatory
now oh, my god, you're fuckingcrazy dude.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
dude, isn't it?
I don't even know how?
No, you don't, you're lying.
I don't even know how no, youdon't, you're lying.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
I don't know.
I can't discuss relationshipsprior to the one I'm in with my
own wife now.
Oh my God.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
Fuck it.
For some reason I have to pee.
Really bad right now.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
This is so weird.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
So this is my story about the anal bleeding blockage
.
What the fuck do you want tocall it?
Speaker 1 (34:22):
We shall call the episode Finger in the Anal,
maybe not.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
With a little S on there.
Thanks for listening guys Nextweek, you know there might be
another anal story Peace.
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