May 13, 2025 • 37 mins
This episode showcases a hilarious yet chaotic event where friends forced each other into a comedy challenge. The conversation dives deep into their experiences, the nature of friendship, the art of comedy, and reflects on the unexpected outcomes of their stand-up night.
• Friends share the diabolical challenge of performing stand-up comedy
• Tension rises as they recount preparation for the big show
• Live performances lead to unexpected hilarity and chaos
• Lessons learned about comfort zones and overcoming fears
• Reflections on the support of friendship and humor
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
What's going on compadres?
What's up dude?
Not much, hey, man.
So today I wanted to prompt youguys to tell a story.
I want to know what is the mostdiabolical thing you've ever
done to another human being.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Because I have one story in particular that I love
to tell, and I'll tell it at theend, wait, but here's the thing
though you brought that on uslike dropped it.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
I need time to think about what diabolical things
I've done, Something like themost diabolical thing you've
ever done.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
you know what is I don't think I've done it, then
really, yeah, yet I don't know,I don't know there has to be
something you've never donesomething to your brother that
was like so fucked up and like Iwould feel too bad.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Fucked up his life for like a week with your
parents or something like that.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
I'm trying to think of that.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
That was the first thing I went to when you set him
up set him up for somethingwhen the first, when you said
that it's the first thought Iwent to like, like when you tell
me when you told me about thetime that your brother couldn't
bring girls in the house anymoreso he set up a tent in the
backyard.
You're, you're telling me thatthat wasn't you're telling me
(01:46):
that that wasn't your faultsomehow, tony first, off.
You put your brother in theyard, not on the street but in
the yard.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
First off, tony, he was like almost 40.
And I was.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Still fucking holes in the backyard, huh.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I was living on my own with three kids and he's got
a tent and I think at this timehe was working for me, so I had
to knock on his tent to get himup in the morning to go to work
.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
The canvas wasn't loud enough to wake him up,
though.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
I threw rocks at his tent.
They just bounced right off.
They don't make any noise.
I got to shake it likeearthquake test.
No, literally, that's not one.
I got to think about it becauseI don't know offhand a
diabolical, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Yeah, I don't feel like I've done anything.
That's been very diabolical.
Like one time in high school Igot busted with some weed and
the cop asked who it was fromand I used a real person.
But like I knew that person hadno like.
It was just a real name thatcame to my brain, but I don't
(02:58):
know if that's diabolical.
Like where'd you get the weedman?
Speaker 3 (03:02):
and you're like frank from ohio, yeah yeah, he did.
I would say somethingdiabolical when I was a manager
at qdoba, but it wasn't me doingit.
Someone else putting reallyextreme dave's hot hot sauce in
the ground beef, that I mean,but it wasn't me doing it though
, so it's not me being a causefor mass diarrhea cause for mass
(03:22):
diarrhea.
You were involved in it I kindof was and I noticed something
was wrong when the customer wentup to the soda machine when
everybody is shitting themselvesin the lobby when the customer
was going up to the soda machinelike six times in 20 minutes
and I turned around and lookedin the kitchen.
I see my brother and one of ourcooks just giggling.
(03:45):
I'm like fuck, they didsomething.
And I turn around and look inthe kitchen.
I see my brother and one of ourcooks just giggling.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I'm like fuck, they did something and I know what it
was, but I found out that's notvery diabolical.
All right, someone could havedied.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
I mean some of the people have heart issues.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Man, I wish I had a good story for this.
I have to have had noconscience for one act in life,
so I'm going to tell you aboutmine Can't wait.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
So this one time, when I was a little bit younger,
I was in a competition with acouple of my buddies and I won
said competition.
So I did like like I wanted tomake something seem like that it
(04:30):
wasn't a big deal, but I wantedto make it like the biggest
deal and like just destroy thesepeople.
So what I did was I arrangedsomething that they thought was
going to be no big deal, nosweat, but I made my two friends
do seven minutes of stand-up infront of a fucking live
(04:54):
audience.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
That was nothing.
It was five minutes, Tony.
I thought it was supposed to be15.
Oh, it's 15.
You're right.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
It was 15.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
There's a five in there.
I was counting on seven Dude.
That's not diabolical.
It was, it's 15.
You're right, it was 15.
There's a five and I wascounting on seven Dude.
That's not diabolical.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
It was diabolical.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
For me it kind of was that was like the coolest, one
of the coolest days of my life,I think.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So for you, for you it worked out, you embraced it.
It did not go that way foreverybody.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
Well, I mean, there's only one other person they
couldn't have gone good for, andthat's me.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
I think in this plot I put almost more effort into
this than I do into my marriage.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Combined of the whole , what 20 years now?
And crammed it into two weeksof this planning for this.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
He spent thousands of dollars on this production.
He he coordinated with hisentire staff at the campground.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
I came up with a venue that I that I knew was
going to be crowded, but Ididn't.
I did not think it was going toget to the level that it did.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
It was so hard, oh my God, people could not get in
either door of this place.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
So I'm going to start by saying I tell these two
fellows that I won thecompetition.
You have one month to prepare15 minutes of stand-up comedy.
Now, if you're unfamiliar withstand-up comedy, a real comedian
could work for over a year tocome up with 15 solid minutes of
(06:37):
comedy elite in this and thestand-up comedy, uh realm and
and this is mind-boggling toother comedians can release one
new hour of stand-up over acalendar year.
They practice it, they'veperfected.
(06:57):
Every night they bounce ideasoff, they figure out what works,
they fine-tune it, they hone it, they look to, they look to
their peers for for, uh,punch-ups.
You know, like this, this islike a honing their craft for a
whole year to come up with 60minutes and I'm making you only
(07:18):
do a quarter of that I stood infront of my stove where the
clock was and watched the clocktick as my practice bounced off.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
I didn't have any peers.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
And the thing is is when you got into it and you get
like three pages of notes inand then you go do it in front
of the clock and you realizethat that's like three and a
half minutes and you got to keepwriting and keep writing and
try to figure out what's goingto work.
But I went through so I createda backdrop.
(07:52):
I got some brick printed showercurtains, I built a whole thing
out of conduit so that therewas a whole backdrop.
I, I hired people, I locked ina venue and I locked in a venue
at my campground, which doesn'tsound like a big deal, but on a
busy weekend, I mean, there's4,000 people at my campground.
Your place is gigantic.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
And there's one bar and people eat bugs for money
there.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
That bar has a fire marshal capacity of like 210
people, commercial capacity oflike 210 people and, uh, they
put in a flyer.
Hey, free stand-up show, comeon, come on up to the bar, man,
be amused for an hour or two soyou've been in this cag brown
for many years what did you?
Speaker 3 (08:38):
hardly know, anybody, okay what did you think was
gonna happen?
What was your first inkling?
Like you think, you think itwas going to be okay, turn out
maybe half the bar filled On theaverage night in that bar like
a Saturday night For nothinggoing on.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Nothing going on, Maybe like a Badger game up on
the TV or something.
There's probably 75 peoplethere.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
And that fills it?
What?
Speaker 2 (09:05):
not even yeah uh, like twice a month they bring in
like a karaoke act in there andthat brings in probably 150
people into that bar, whichwhich it's packed, but it's not
like shoulder to shoulder.
On our stand-up night there wasa line.
(09:29):
It was fucked up.
There was a line both entrancesto even be able to get in.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
It was shoulder to shoulder there are people out on
the deck outside like?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
outside, just holding the door open, trying to hear
the fucked up words they thinkthis is a professional.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
Oh, they did stand up comedy show.
They had no idea that it wasour first time ever doing it
that it was just some fuckingslacks that were forced into
standing in front of someone for15 minutes and trying to be
funny, which I I mean even infront of you guys, two people I
know for years.
Trying to be funny is hardenough.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Now you're trying to impress strangers Hundreds,
hundreds.
So I hired a guy to manage oursound and lighting, which ended
up being like the biggestdisaster that was the biggest
struggle.
There was that microphonesituation I had to fucking yell
into the thing for anybody tohear you at all that guy was
(10:34):
slow and and because I knew thatthis could go really bad for
you guys it could go great, butmore than likely was going to go
really poorly for you guys Idecided that I was going to make
it a little fun for me, since Iwas the one ponying up all the
cash, and I dressed you guys upand uh, that had to be my
(10:58):
favorite part of the whole night.
I I dressed chris up like uh1989 gallagher stripy shirt,
suspenders, newsy hat, the wholedeal.
And uh.
I dressed jay up like eddiemurphy in the recording of raw,
(11:19):
so he was wearing a red leather,red leather suit and which is
now hanging right here above usin the studio as a memento.
My favorite part of it is Iordered this pleather suit off
Amazon and I figured you knowthis shit's coming straight from
Asia.
So I ordered a small, becauseI'm like a small will fit Jay,
(11:42):
but an Asian small he's going tohave to roll this thing on like
a condom.
So what size?
Speaker 3 (11:49):
is this.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
I order this Asian small.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
That's an Asian small .
Speaker 2 (11:53):
It comes in and I put it on because I'm like this
thing looks awfully big, itlooks like it would fit you.
I had lots of room.
So I'm like, okay, now Jay'sgoing to be drowning.
But I also hired a realstand-up comedian to come up
between you guys, Just so theaudience isn't After us.
(12:16):
Just so the audience isn'tcompletely disappointed.
No, you went up after her.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
No, I went before her .
She was the last.
Was she?
Yes, it was.
Chris went up after her.
No, I went before her.
She was last.
Was she?
Yes, it was Chris B and thenher.
Hmm, watch the video.
She was the end.
No, no, she did not go beforeme.
There's no way I would havebeen able to handle her going
before me and waiting all that.
I went away for 20 minutes forChris because he couldn't stop
(12:45):
talking.
I was having so much fun upthere.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Everyone was looking at me.
I was the center of attention.
I had no cards that told mewhich joke to tell next.
I was loving it.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Yeah, Chris, you were alive up there.
I was loving it.
I was dying in the back.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
There were so many people in there that I even
acknowledged some of the crowdthat was behind the stage with
one of my moves.
It was pretty awesome.
I have to watch it again.
The sound quality was the worst, though it was terrible.
I think I was louder when I wasjust yelling versus talking in
the microphone.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Just fucking turn the microphone off and yell.
It was bad.
But there was also people atthe bar that were not paying
attention and talking andconversating where it was not a
real comedy show.
So even the comic, the one youhired was like she was angry
that people were not paying ahundred percent attention to her
.
Where, I mean, we're at a barat a fucking campground, what
(13:39):
the hell do you expect?
So she was, she was upset with,but you know she was very upset
with that.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
And then people walking around and yeah, because
, I mean, it was in a bar yeahand everybody who was there was
not there for that but,everybody who was from very
happy because chris did not lookat it like a punishment, he
(14:10):
embraced it.
He was a punishment because Ihad to do a bunch of work.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I had to like fucking dedicate time to fucking
writing jokes, then reading thejokes, then polishing the joke,
then trying to read it again andthen trying to orchestrate them
into an actual some type of aresemblance of a set that had
some continuity.
I think there were most of thetimes I was like all right, next
on to the next one and thenjust tell the next stupid story
(14:35):
joke, and it was a lot of workto do it, for sure I had to
order note cards.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
J J eight 100 bags of dicks oh my god, it was it was
brutal to the point where hismom was mocking him so bad at
the table next to my wife thatmy wife ran up to me and said
you have to get him off thestage right now I think I think
(15:04):
I retired up there.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
I think I I told you I was done, but no, it was.
Um, basically what I did was Iwrote a whole fucking thing out
exactly to the detail of what Iwanted to do, and when I got up
there with the fucking ipad,obviously was was one of my
mistakes.
It didn't go that way because Icould not get it out where it
(15:30):
was.
You know just yourself.
It was too robotic.
And then I just at a pointwhere I was just like, oh my God
, this is.
I just felt dumb up there.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Yeah, you sent us some previews of your set and it
was actually kind of funny.
You could tell you were in acloset, talking to yourself and
recording it, and it was prettyfunny.
And then, when it came time, toperform.
You were not ready to perform.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
No, that's fine, I understood.
I wasn't ready.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
I'm not a comedian, I didn't.
So, even though it was apunishment and I was hoping, you
know I I was hoping that itwould go relatively good.
And after chris was done I waslike this is going fucking great
.
And then after jay, I was likeI don't fucking know about this,
(16:25):
I might have to sell my placehere.
And then the uh, the realcomedian, uh, also did a really
good job, especially wranglingthe unruly crowd together yeah,
she was yelling at him she wasyelling like are you fucking
listening to me, or what kind ofshit but I, I don't think, I
(16:49):
don't think, I thought for sureone of you guys would back out
and not go through with it.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
How could you do that .
Speaker 2 (17:00):
I didn't know for what reason, but I was like one
of these two guys is not goingto go up.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
How could you not?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
I lost a bet effectively, I know, but Jay's
lost bets and he didn't eat pigheads.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I never fell through making you eat pig head.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Yeah, I was waiting all the time and then again I
won the last one.
You guys never did mypunishment.
What was your punishment?
I didn't come up with anythingbecause it didn't matter.
It was all over with.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Yeah, I think the workout Zumba class on video
wearing ridiculous clothing wasway worse.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
That was the first one that might have been Jay's
most diabolical thing he's everdone.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh yeah, you did that it was me and Tony.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
What do you think I did?
Who else would have done it?
Speaker 1 (17:50):
You even had that girl.
Come with the big booty.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Yeah, she made you guys dance great.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
She's a great instructor.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
She's soccer dancing both of you.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
No, I was great.
I was really good Instructeddance.
I can do that.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Actually, after that, Chris went on to teach Zumba at
the local church.
Yeah, but I often think aboutthat because, because, as you
can see behind me, the thejacket remains, it will, it will
be getting framed in, uh one ofthem airtight time capsule it's
(18:25):
a good idea.
You don't want the moths gettingat it yeah, but but the pants
are actually at my houseactually, uh, they get kept in.
They were in my truck and whenI emptied out my truck, when I,
when I got a different truck, um, those pants are in my garage
(18:45):
now and uh.
So I think about every time Isee those pants sitting in my
garage, I just fucking chuckledat myself.
It was such a great night.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
Those pants actually fit, though that's the only
thing that fit me that youbought for me.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
I mean it was fucking one of the best nights of my
life.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
It was fun, and I mean to have all those people
actually come out was fuckinginsane and that made everyone
more fucking nervous, obviouslyand the bar manager was like
this was like the highestselling night at this bar ever.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
So for the last two years he's been trying to figure
out how to make a comedy nightat the bar.
Has he tried it?
He keeps like.
Every spring he starts textingme like do you think we could do
?
Speaker 1 (19:37):
this again.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I'll do it again and I'm like absolutely dude, I'll
help you facilitate this.
Like he's gonna have to pay youthis time though I would do it
for free.
I'd line them up, all the acts.
I mean, obviously I'm notpaying for the stuff, but I'd do
it for free because it was sucha great time.
But, man, we did a huge dinnerbeforehand.
The shrimp oil.
(19:58):
Chris almost lost his eyebrows,definitely lost his arm hair.
With what when you opened thegrill with the?
Speaker 1 (20:06):
fucking grease fire.
That was the ribs.
Yeah, the smoker got started onfire because I forget, because.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Tony had to go home.
The thermometer got left out orsomething.
I had to run home for a second.
He had to go home to go take ashower and poop.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
And you left the thermometer out so that the no,
the ribs started, the greasewent down into the fire pot and
started a massive grease fire.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I don't know if it was that.
That was the first't know.
If it was, that was that was.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
The thermometer was not in the grill, so the grill
feeder thought I need more heatand kept kicking heat in no,
which then backed everything up.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
That was that was when I first got that grill and
that was the first grease firethat ever happened in it.
But, but it was not the last,really.
Yeah, that thing went up likethree more times and then I got
rid of it Wasted, wasted allthat meat.
No, actually I took all theinternal components out of it
and I use it as a charcoal grill.
Now, fair enough Works good.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
World's most expensive charcoal grill.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
That was a really, really, really, really fun night
.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
I agree why do you call that diabolical though?
Speaker 1 (21:20):
a lot of planning to make us idiot look like, but we
all agreed to it like diabolicalthere wasn't.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
There wasn't an agreement to it no that's what
you had to do.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
No, we all knew that a punishment was coming.
That's what I'm saying.
Diabolical part would besomething that you do without
someone knowing, like out of theblue, basically in the middle
of the middle of a huge crowd,pull their pants down or and you
show their dick in front of sixthousand.
You know just weird shit likethat's.
So what would be the word forit?
(21:52):
I would say, um improvisingyour friendship.
I don't know that makes way lesssense than diabolical I don't
know, I don't know what to putit, but it was, uh, something
that we all agreed to before wegot into the show, because we
knew something was going tohappen.
Hey, guess what?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
you know this thing.
You know on our youtube.
Yes, it is.
You know, the craziest part ofthat whole night is that, for
people people at home that maynot know jay personally um, for
many years jay was the leadsinger of a very successful band
called Fifth Effect, and I meanthey were playing mid-level
(22:39):
arenas.
Look at all these people, dude.
Oh my God, I did not know thatJay would have any level of
stage fright.
You think I had stage frightyou?
Speaker 1 (22:58):
definitely did.
I went from let's see.
I'm scrolling through thisvideo.
I am on camera at the sixminute mark, all the way up
until.
Yeah, you're fucking forever 25minutes 25 and a half so that's
over 20 minutes, about 20minutes you're supposed to be 15
(23:20):
.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Jay is on this from 26 27 until I was there for
three minutes, I think uh, hekept it.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
It looks like you're still there.
No, you mean you made it to 34.
So you went almost eightminutes, so I went over half,
but you didn't record the lastwoman or we didn't put it on
YouTube.
No, no, no, she didn't wantherself recorded or something.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Six minutes of it was fumbling through his iPad.
Kevin's still got it.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Oh, you got professional videographer too.
I did get a videographer.
This guy has done videos formany, many, many big bands, many
big venues Like Fifth Effect.
Yeah, his Instrumental Motion,it's the guy who did our video.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
No, the comedian did not want herself recorded, only
179 people have seen this on.
Youtube.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Oh yeah, we're not popular, so I'm going to tell
everybody.
Now go to YouTube three dimesreviews, the number three dimes
reviews and look at theembarrassing punishment recorded
live stand-up comedy 12 likes.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
I mean, it's better than none oh man, I would like
to have a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a.
What was I going to say, I?
Speaker 1 (24:53):
don't know, but I got to watch that someday again.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
I forgot.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Oh, the woman didn't want her shit recorded because
she was like this is trash.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
No, because this is my shit.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
She was using it like practice.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
Yeah, she's got her own podcast and shit.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
I listened to it, that's fine, I had to pay her a
quarter of $1,000.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Quarter thou, I like how you just made this sound so
expensive, and she got free foodout of it too, yeah, which she
didn't want to eat.
Why, I don't know, because itwas white trashy like.
It was all white trashy like no, she didn't eat.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
She's like I don't want this shit when it's on top
of a picnic table.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Oh, she didn't like the guy she brought, fucked that
food up.
She didn't like the shrimp oil.
She got food at the bar.
Yeah, that's right, she didn'twant your shrimp oil.
But that other dude that shewas with, yeah, he fucked that
shit up.
Yeah, he's like this is fuckingawesome.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
Actually, you know, when you were on stage I was
making that girl behind thecurtain Laugh at you.
Yeah, laugh at me pretty much,but kind of with me sometimes.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
That's what you should have did as your bit.
Because, all I was doing.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
Basically it was Slamming white claws.
She's like this is going to begood.
Talking about how sweaty I wasin that fucking, I kept that
leather jacket on because Ididn't know how long you were
going to be, so that shit was onfor 25 minutes.
I.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Because I didn't know how long you were going to be,
so that shit was on for 25minutes I had that leather
jacket on for 25 minutes withthe pleather pants because I was
ready to go out In anovercapacity bar serving food
after a Bucks game or Brewersgame, or whatever it was, there
was a fan in the back.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
I don't know if you saw it, but I was dry humping
that fan to cool down and shewas dying laughing at what I was
.
Yeah, you should, if you everdo this again.
Jay, you should use that, makefun of yourself Well here's the
thing is I went to the extremeof preparing a whole thing which
(26:51):
I shouldn't have done.
I should have just went upthere and just acted myself.
Oh hell.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
No, you definitely got to make it pretend.
They got to think you're justbeing yourself.
But you're really.
You fucking planned it out no,that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
No, I planned it out and it didn't.
I could not make it work asplanned.
I should have went up there andjust kind of improvised.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
You were trying to steal all kevin hart's bits.
I had not won.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Kevin.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Hart's bits Gun compartment.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Gun compartment I should have.
I should have just went with itand just fucking worked the
crowd and asked questions withthe crowd and just did nothing
but that.
Fucking.
What's his name?
That comedian, that crowd workcomedian that you see on?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Ian Begg.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
No, the white dude that all girls love, oh, matt
Reif, matt Reif, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Yeah, he just picks someone out in the crowd and
makes fun of them.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
He's really good at it, though.
Look at you in the front rowwith the fake tits, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, I don't know if that was diabolical, bro.
That was pretty good, though.
Diabolical would have been likeif you told us we were going in
to do a like a song orsomething, but then it was
actually that we had to docomedy and we didn't know so
kind of like um impracticaljokers like you were gonna have
us video be video recordedeating chicken wings or
(28:12):
something.
So we came in all drunk andpopped up to try to break a
world record of chicken wingsshuffle, but in reality reality.
You're like uh, but actuallywe're doing this comedy show.
There's going to be about 65 to70 people out there and they're
all going to expect you to makethem laugh there was 275 people
there it was insane dude somany people too much.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
There's people, okay, so tony had this curtain up and
people on the like the side,right, I don't know, it's hard
to explain yeah, so right of it,could not see anything a big
rectangle.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
But then off of the side there's like, uh, the
bathrooms it's like we couldn'tbe pushed all the way to the
back.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Yeah, you would call it a hallway, but it's really
like 15 feet wide or more.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
But it was.
There was a lot of area forpeople to go?
Speaker 2 (29:02):
Yeah, but it makes.
It makes this place kind of Lshaped and you couldn't, we
couldn't put you back by thebathrooms because it would have
just fucking.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Yeah, there was fucking people shooting darts
behind stage and using thebathroom and shit Like it was
not ideal.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
I was throwing darts with them waiting for you to
finish and see, you know, thefucked up thing is when, when I
went to um and we call it acampground, but it's really a
resort the resort actually has aconcert venue with lights
already.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Yeah, we could, we could have done it there, but no
one would have gone there,because they wanted the bar and
food.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
There is a bar in the outside venue.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
It wasn't open.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
They open it up whenever there's something out
there.
It doesn't matter what it is.
Should have done it there.
But I asked for that and hesaid that we're going to put you
in a bar because we don't knowif anybody's even going to show
up for this.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
Did you tell him how stupid he was for that decision?
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Well, that's when he reached out to me, that's where
he wants to do it and I'm like,yeah, of course, there's fucking
thousands of people here andit's either go see a free
stand-up show or sit at thiscampfirefire, which you can sit
at the campfire every otherafter and after and before.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Yeah, dude, I would do that again.
That was tons of fun.
I would totally do it again,but I would uh, you would
probably actually hire realcomedians and then I would
actually feel stupid.
So that would be.
The funny part is that you billme as one of the real comedians
.
That would be diabolical.
Oh, I'd headline you that wouldbe diabolical all the you gotta
(30:43):
go up and do nine.
You tell me at the last minuteit's a.
It's a 12 year old girl'sbirthday party you gotta go up
blindfolded.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
You can't see your audience.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Oh shit, you know, maybe this is still like the
rock star dreamer in me as Iquote quotations.
I would love to do stand upcomedy.
Like it would just take so muchtime though me as I quote
quotations.
I would love to do stand-upcomedy.
Like it would just take so muchtime though it'd be so time
consuming to do it right to getan actual like 8 to 10 minutes
(31:27):
of good shit that's things youhave to really want to do it,
though, not use cards and yougotta really want to do it.
You'd have to, like, start onthe wednesday night fucking open
mic, set rounds and fuckingtalking to three people inside
of a bar.
You'd have to do it for years,chris, and then eventually, yeah
, you would hope to getsomewhere.
But even if you got somewherelike what would be getting
(31:49):
somewhere as a comedian at at 40or I guess your age don't
really matter, but you gotta beon netflix special like how do
you make money like you?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
do a.
Rodney dangerfield didn't,didn't start comedy until he was
in his 60s cool, so there'sstill a chance.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
So there's still a chance.
But like what he was in moviesand shit before that, sure he
was no, he wasn't interesting.
Well, how like?
So you'd you'd get like thefree open mic sets you'd start
at like open mics, right, andthen you'd you'd like to
graduate to maybe like openingfor a guy for like a 20 seated
(32:27):
room at a corner comedy clubsomewhere.
Comedy club.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
So.
So, like the improv inmilwaukee, for instance, they do
open mics twice a week.
I'm assuming they take.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
You probably realize like 10 minutes or 10 days into
it that you're fucking suckcompared to these people who've
been doing this for years andthen the real luck out there.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
The real acts come on fridays and saturdays and some
of them travel with their ownopeners and middles, but they
always take somebody from theclub to host.
And that's how those guys geton.
They start if they're funny andthey're opening up for somebody
(33:14):
.
That person then takes them onthe road with them and hopefully
they have, you know, a strong15 minutes, and then their 15
minutes turns into okay, well,now I'm going to headline and
there's some traction behind you, like oh, I seen this guy open
up for whatever Tom Segura orwhatever.
(33:34):
Now he's out on his own, let'sgo check him out and blah, blah,
blah.
But uh, and when you becomelike a low-level headliner, I
don't, I don't think you stillactually make enough to like
quit your job.
Like I think out of the tens ofthousands of comedians there
(33:56):
are, there's probably only 1500that that do it for an entire
living.
I'll say less than that justshow up, dude.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I think that's the key, that's the first step.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Just Just show them the fuck up.
Have you guys ever heard of ashow called Kill Tony?
Speaker 1 (34:19):
We should make that show, tony.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Hinchcliffe.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
We should make that show because I want to kill you,
tony Hinchcliffe.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
He's a comedian.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
So he started this thing where he would take these
open micers and they all puttheir names in a hat and for the
show.
Know, the audience is likefilled with aspiring comedians
and he would pull a name out ofthe hat and he has him and a
couple of his friends up therelike judges or whatever, and uh,
(34:48):
he pulls your name, you come up, you do one minute of comedy
holy shit, that's tough.
And then they talk to you andand uh, then there's like
conversational humor.
Some of the guys like talk shitto the comedian and then a
comedian talks shit back andit's like this big fun thing.
But he's get, he's uh through.
(35:10):
That show has made a lot ofcomedians like I don't want to
say household names, but surethey're like traveling now and
uh, he's traveling, kill tonypod.
Like they're coming tomilwaukee.
We could go put our names inthe bucket and go have the
possibility at two in a minutelike I said I, I don't feel like
(35:31):
I've been in any way ready one.
This is three years ago oneminute of what I guess.
Whatever, I'll stand up thereand just look at people weird
for one minute yeah, you'll doabout as good as you did on the
comedy night 40 seconds andthey're like all right, dude
it's enough but uh I guess Iwould probably do my my infinity
(35:58):
wiping poop story because poopworks right.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Yeah, people like poop, people like poop, poop
jokes especially when you wipeit on someone's dead body.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
I don't know about that.
This is the part where, tony,you guys don't remember my
comedy thing?
Speaker 1 (36:15):
no, we don't remember any that.
I don't know about that.
You guys don't remember mycomedy thing?
No, we don't remember any of it.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
I played it All right .
Well, anyway, that's our show.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Shut up.
I think we can cut it off here.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Squeeze it off, Jay play the music.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Am I supposed to be playing the music?
Don't you want the music at theend?
God damn it, three more devilsin, and fucking guy.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
I swear dude Just kidding.
No, is it playing?
No what.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
It's playing a little bit.
Check us out on whatever thefuck we're on Twitter, facebook,
instagram, email us.
Send Facebook, instagram, emailus.
Send us a fax.
Tell me the story about thetime you made your friends do
stand-up.
Whatever man, just reach out insome way If you got a product
(37:11):
you want us to whore out on ourshow.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Yeah, we're ready to whore out some products.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
I'm your guy today's.
Today's episode is actuallybrought to you by tony's total
donations uh mobile sperm bank.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
If you can come, we'll come to you all right
peace out people.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
All right, Peace out people.
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
What's going on compadres?
What's up dude?
Not much, hey, man.
So today I wanted to prompt youguys to tell a story.
I want to know what is the mostdiabolical thing you've ever
done to another human being.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Because I have one story in particular that I love
to tell, and I'll tell it at theend, wait, but here's the thing
though you brought that on uslike dropped it.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
I need time to think about what diabolical things
I've done, Something like themost diabolical thing you've
ever done.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
you know what is I don't think I've done it, then
really, yeah, yet I don't know,I don't know there has to be
something you've never donesomething to your brother that
was like so fucked up and like Iwould feel too bad.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Fucked up his life for like a week with your
parents or something like that.
Speaker 3 (01:23):
I'm trying to think of that.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
That was the first thing I went to when you set him
up set him up for somethingwhen the first, when you said
that it's the first thought Iwent to like, like when you tell
me when you told me about thetime that your brother couldn't
bring girls in the house anymoreso he set up a tent in the
backyard.
You're, you're telling me thatthat wasn't you're telling me
(01:46):
that that wasn't your faultsomehow, tony first, off.
You put your brother in theyard, not on the street but in
the yard.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
First off, tony, he was like almost 40.
And I was.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Still fucking holes in the backyard, huh.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I was living on my own with three kids and he's got
a tent and I think at this timehe was working for me, so I had
to knock on his tent to get himup in the morning to go to work
.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
The canvas wasn't loud enough to wake him up,
though.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
I threw rocks at his tent.
They just bounced right off.
They don't make any noise.
I got to shake it likeearthquake test.
No, literally, that's not one.
I got to think about it becauseI don't know offhand a
diabolical, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Yeah, I don't feel like I've done anything.
That's been very diabolical.
Like one time in high school Igot busted with some weed and
the cop asked who it was fromand I used a real person.
But like I knew that person hadno like.
It was just a real name thatcame to my brain, but I don't
(02:58):
know if that's diabolical.
Like where'd you get the weedman?
Speaker 3 (03:02):
and you're like frank from ohio, yeah yeah, he did.
I would say somethingdiabolical when I was a manager
at qdoba, but it wasn't me doingit.
Someone else putting reallyextreme dave's hot hot sauce in
the ground beef, that I mean,but it wasn't me doing it though
, so it's not me being a causefor mass diarrhea cause for mass
(03:22):
diarrhea.
You were involved in it I kindof was and I noticed something
was wrong when the customer wentup to the soda machine when
everybody is shitting themselvesin the lobby when the customer
was going up to the soda machinelike six times in 20 minutes
and I turned around and lookedin the kitchen.
I see my brother and one of ourcooks just giggling.
(03:45):
I'm like fuck, they didsomething.
And I turn around and look inthe kitchen.
I see my brother and one of ourcooks just giggling.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I'm like fuck, they did something and I know what it
was, but I found out that's notvery diabolical.
All right, someone could havedied.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
I mean some of the people have heart issues.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Man, I wish I had a good story for this.
I have to have had noconscience for one act in life,
so I'm going to tell you aboutmine Can't wait.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
So this one time, when I was a little bit younger,
I was in a competition with acouple of my buddies and I won
said competition.
So I did like like I wanted tomake something seem like that it
(04:30):
wasn't a big deal, but I wantedto make it like the biggest
deal and like just destroy thesepeople.
So what I did was I arrangedsomething that they thought was
going to be no big deal, nosweat, but I made my two friends
do seven minutes of stand-up infront of a fucking live
(04:54):
audience.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
That was nothing.
It was five minutes, Tony.
I thought it was supposed to be15.
Oh, it's 15.
You're right.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
It was 15.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
There's a five in there.
I was counting on seven Dude.
That's not diabolical.
It was, it's 15.
You're right, it was 15.
There's a five and I wascounting on seven Dude.
That's not diabolical.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
It was diabolical.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
For me it kind of was that was like the coolest, one
of the coolest days of my life,I think.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So for you, for you it worked out, you embraced it.
It did not go that way foreverybody.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
Well, I mean, there's only one other person they
couldn't have gone good for, andthat's me.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
I think in this plot I put almost more effort into
this than I do into my marriage.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Combined of the whole , what 20 years now?
And crammed it into two weeksof this planning for this.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
He spent thousands of dollars on this production.
He he coordinated with hisentire staff at the campground.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
I came up with a venue that I that I knew was
going to be crowded, but Ididn't.
I did not think it was going toget to the level that it did.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
It was so hard, oh my God, people could not get in
either door of this place.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
So I'm going to start by saying I tell these two
fellows that I won thecompetition.
You have one month to prepare15 minutes of stand-up comedy.
Now, if you're unfamiliar withstand-up comedy, a real comedian
could work for over a year tocome up with 15 solid minutes of
(06:37):
comedy elite in this and thestand-up comedy, uh realm and
and this is mind-boggling toother comedians can release one
new hour of stand-up over acalendar year.
They practice it, they'veperfected.
(06:57):
Every night they bounce ideasoff, they figure out what works,
they fine-tune it, they hone it, they look to, they look to
their peers for for, uh,punch-ups.
You know, like this, this islike a honing their craft for a
whole year to come up with 60minutes and I'm making you only
(07:18):
do a quarter of that I stood infront of my stove where the
clock was and watched the clocktick as my practice bounced off.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
I didn't have any peers.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
And the thing is is when you got into it and you get
like three pages of notes inand then you go do it in front
of the clock and you realizethat that's like three and a
half minutes and you got to keepwriting and keep writing and
try to figure out what's goingto work.
But I went through so I createda backdrop.
(07:52):
I got some brick printed showercurtains, I built a whole thing
out of conduit so that therewas a whole backdrop.
I, I hired people, I locked ina venue and I locked in a venue
at my campground, which doesn'tsound like a big deal, but on a
busy weekend, I mean, there's4,000 people at my campground.
Your place is gigantic.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
And there's one bar and people eat bugs for money
there.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
That bar has a fire marshal capacity of like 210
people, commercial capacity oflike 210 people and, uh, they
put in a flyer.
Hey, free stand-up show, comeon, come on up to the bar, man,
be amused for an hour or two soyou've been in this cag brown
for many years what did you?
Speaker 3 (08:38):
hardly know, anybody, okay what did you think was
gonna happen?
What was your first inkling?
Like you think, you think itwas going to be okay, turn out
maybe half the bar filled On theaverage night in that bar like
a Saturday night For nothinggoing on.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Nothing going on, Maybe like a Badger game up on
the TV or something.
There's probably 75 peoplethere.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
And that fills it?
What?
Speaker 2 (09:05):
not even yeah uh, like twice a month they bring in
like a karaoke act in there andthat brings in probably 150
people into that bar, whichwhich it's packed, but it's not
like shoulder to shoulder.
On our stand-up night there wasa line.
(09:29):
It was fucked up.
There was a line both entrancesto even be able to get in.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
It was shoulder to shoulder there are people out on
the deck outside like?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
outside, just holding the door open, trying to hear
the fucked up words they thinkthis is a professional.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
Oh, they did stand up comedy show.
They had no idea that it wasour first time ever doing it
that it was just some fuckingslacks that were forced into
standing in front of someone for15 minutes and trying to be
funny, which I I mean even infront of you guys, two people I
know for years.
Trying to be funny is hardenough.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Now you're trying to impress strangers Hundreds,
hundreds.
So I hired a guy to manage oursound and lighting, which ended
up being like the biggestdisaster that was the biggest
struggle.
There was that microphonesituation I had to fucking yell
into the thing for anybody tohear you at all that guy was
(10:34):
slow and and because I knew thatthis could go really bad for
you guys it could go great, butmore than likely was going to go
really poorly for you guys Idecided that I was going to make
it a little fun for me, since Iwas the one ponying up all the
cash, and I dressed you guys upand uh, that had to be my
(10:58):
favorite part of the whole night.
I I dressed chris up like uh1989 gallagher stripy shirt,
suspenders, newsy hat, the wholedeal.
And uh.
I dressed jay up like eddiemurphy in the recording of raw,
(11:19):
so he was wearing a red leather,red leather suit and which is
now hanging right here above usin the studio as a memento.
My favorite part of it is Iordered this pleather suit off
Amazon and I figured you knowthis shit's coming straight from
Asia.
So I ordered a small, becauseI'm like a small will fit Jay,
(11:42):
but an Asian small he's going tohave to roll this thing on like
a condom.
So what size?
Speaker 3 (11:49):
is this.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
I order this Asian small.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
That's an Asian small .
Speaker 2 (11:53):
It comes in and I put it on because I'm like this
thing looks awfully big, itlooks like it would fit you.
I had lots of room.
So I'm like, okay, now Jay'sgoing to be drowning.
But I also hired a realstand-up comedian to come up
between you guys, Just so theaudience isn't After us.
(12:16):
Just so the audience isn'tcompletely disappointed.
No, you went up after her.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
No, I went before her .
She was the last.
Was she?
Yes, it was.
Chris went up after her.
No, I went before her.
She was last.
Was she?
Yes, it was Chris B and thenher.
Hmm, watch the video.
She was the end.
No, no, she did not go beforeme.
There's no way I would havebeen able to handle her going
before me and waiting all that.
I went away for 20 minutes forChris because he couldn't stop
(12:45):
talking.
I was having so much fun upthere.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Everyone was looking at me.
I was the center of attention.
I had no cards that told mewhich joke to tell next.
I was loving it.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Yeah, Chris, you were alive up there.
I was loving it.
I was dying in the back.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
There were so many people in there that I even
acknowledged some of the crowdthat was behind the stage with
one of my moves.
It was pretty awesome.
I have to watch it again.
The sound quality was the worst, though it was terrible.
I think I was louder when I wasjust yelling versus talking in
the microphone.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Just fucking turn the microphone off and yell.
It was bad.
But there was also people atthe bar that were not paying
attention and talking andconversating where it was not a
real comedy show.
So even the comic, the one youhired was like she was angry
that people were not paying ahundred percent attention to her
.
Where, I mean, we're at a barat a fucking campground, what
(13:39):
the hell do you expect?
So she was, she was upset with,but you know she was very upset
with that.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
And then people walking around and yeah, because
, I mean, it was in a bar yeahand everybody who was there was
not there for that but,everybody who was from very
happy because chris did not lookat it like a punishment, he
(14:10):
embraced it.
He was a punishment because Ihad to do a bunch of work.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I had to like fucking dedicate time to fucking
writing jokes, then reading thejokes, then polishing the joke,
then trying to read it again andthen trying to orchestrate them
into an actual some type of aresemblance of a set that had
some continuity.
I think there were most of thetimes I was like all right, next
on to the next one and thenjust tell the next stupid story
(14:35):
joke, and it was a lot of workto do it, for sure I had to
order note cards.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
J J eight 100 bags of dicks oh my god, it was it was
brutal to the point where hismom was mocking him so bad at
the table next to my wife thatmy wife ran up to me and said
you have to get him off thestage right now I think I think
(15:04):
I retired up there.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
I think I I told you I was done, but no, it was.
Um, basically what I did was Iwrote a whole fucking thing out
exactly to the detail of what Iwanted to do, and when I got up
there with the fucking ipad,obviously was was one of my
mistakes.
It didn't go that way because Icould not get it out where it
(15:30):
was.
You know just yourself.
It was too robotic.
And then I just at a pointwhere I was just like, oh my God
, this is.
I just felt dumb up there.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Yeah, you sent us some previews of your set and it
was actually kind of funny.
You could tell you were in acloset, talking to yourself and
recording it, and it was prettyfunny.
And then, when it came time, toperform.
You were not ready to perform.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
No, that's fine, I understood.
I wasn't ready.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
I'm not a comedian, I didn't.
So, even though it was apunishment and I was hoping, you
know I I was hoping that itwould go relatively good.
And after chris was done I waslike this is going fucking great
.
And then after jay, I was likeI don't fucking know about this,
(16:25):
I might have to sell my placehere.
And then the uh, the realcomedian, uh, also did a really
good job, especially wranglingthe unruly crowd together yeah,
she was yelling at him she wasyelling like are you fucking
listening to me, or what kind ofshit but I, I don't think, I
(16:49):
don't think, I thought for sureone of you guys would back out
and not go through with it.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
How could you do that .
Speaker 2 (17:00):
I didn't know for what reason, but I was like one
of these two guys is not goingto go up.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
How could you not?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
I lost a bet effectively, I know, but Jay's
lost bets and he didn't eat pigheads.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I never fell through making you eat pig head.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Yeah, I was waiting all the time and then again I
won the last one.
You guys never did mypunishment.
What was your punishment?
I didn't come up with anythingbecause it didn't matter.
It was all over with.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Yeah, I think the workout Zumba class on video
wearing ridiculous clothing wasway worse.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
That was the first one that might have been Jay's
most diabolical thing he's everdone.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh yeah, you did that it was me and Tony.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
What do you think I did?
Who else would have done it?
Speaker 1 (17:50):
You even had that girl.
Come with the big booty.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Yeah, she made you guys dance great.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
She's a great instructor.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
She's soccer dancing both of you.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
No, I was great.
I was really good Instructeddance.
I can do that.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Actually, after that, Chris went on to teach Zumba at
the local church.
Yeah, but I often think aboutthat because, because, as you
can see behind me, the thejacket remains, it will, it will
be getting framed in, uh one ofthem airtight time capsule it's
(18:25):
a good idea.
You don't want the moths gettingat it yeah, but but the pants
are actually at my houseactually, uh, they get kept in.
They were in my truck and whenI emptied out my truck, when I,
when I got a different truck, um, those pants are in my garage
(18:45):
now and uh.
So I think about every time Isee those pants sitting in my
garage, I just fucking chuckledat myself.
It was such a great night.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
Those pants actually fit, though that's the only
thing that fit me that youbought for me.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
I mean it was fucking one of the best nights of my
life.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
It was fun, and I mean to have all those people
actually come out was fuckinginsane and that made everyone
more fucking nervous, obviouslyand the bar manager was like
this was like the highestselling night at this bar ever.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
So for the last two years he's been trying to figure
out how to make a comedy nightat the bar.
Has he tried it?
He keeps like.
Every spring he starts textingme like do you think we could do
?
Speaker 1 (19:37):
this again.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I'll do it again and I'm like absolutely dude, I'll
help you facilitate this.
Like he's gonna have to pay youthis time though I would do it
for free.
I'd line them up, all the acts.
I mean, obviously I'm notpaying for the stuff, but I'd do
it for free because it was sucha great time.
But, man, we did a huge dinnerbeforehand.
The shrimp oil.
(19:58):
Chris almost lost his eyebrows,definitely lost his arm hair.
With what when you opened thegrill with the?
Speaker 1 (20:06):
fucking grease fire.
That was the ribs.
Yeah, the smoker got started onfire because I forget, because.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Tony had to go home.
The thermometer got left out orsomething.
I had to run home for a second.
He had to go home to go take ashower and poop.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
And you left the thermometer out so that the no,
the ribs started, the greasewent down into the fire pot and
started a massive grease fire.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I don't know if it was that.
That was the first't know.
If it was, that was that was.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
The thermometer was not in the grill, so the grill
feeder thought I need more heatand kept kicking heat in no,
which then backed everything up.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
That was that was when I first got that grill and
that was the first grease firethat ever happened in it.
But, but it was not the last,really.
Yeah, that thing went up likethree more times and then I got
rid of it Wasted, wasted allthat meat.
No, actually I took all theinternal components out of it
and I use it as a charcoal grill.
Now, fair enough Works good.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
World's most expensive charcoal grill.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
That was a really, really, really, really fun night
.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
I agree why do you call that diabolical though?
Speaker 1 (21:20):
a lot of planning to make us idiot look like, but we
all agreed to it like diabolicalthere wasn't.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
There wasn't an agreement to it no that's what
you had to do.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
No, we all knew that a punishment was coming.
That's what I'm saying.
Diabolical part would besomething that you do without
someone knowing, like out of theblue, basically in the middle
of the middle of a huge crowd,pull their pants down or and you
show their dick in front of sixthousand.
You know just weird shit likethat's.
So what would be the word forit?
(21:52):
I would say, um improvisingyour friendship.
I don't know that makes way lesssense than diabolical I don't
know, I don't know what to putit, but it was, uh, something
that we all agreed to before wegot into the show, because we
knew something was going tohappen.
Hey, guess what?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
you know this thing.
You know on our youtube.
Yes, it is.
You know, the craziest part ofthat whole night is that, for
people people at home that maynot know jay personally um, for
many years jay was the leadsinger of a very successful band
called Fifth Effect, and I meanthey were playing mid-level
(22:39):
arenas.
Look at all these people, dude.
Oh my God, I did not know thatJay would have any level of
stage fright.
You think I had stage frightyou?
Speaker 1 (22:58):
definitely did.
I went from let's see.
I'm scrolling through thisvideo.
I am on camera at the sixminute mark, all the way up
until.
Yeah, you're fucking forever 25minutes 25 and a half so that's
over 20 minutes, about 20minutes you're supposed to be 15
(23:20):
.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Jay is on this from 26 27 until I was there for
three minutes, I think uh, hekept it.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
It looks like you're still there.
No, you mean you made it to 34.
So you went almost eightminutes, so I went over half,
but you didn't record the lastwoman or we didn't put it on
YouTube.
No, no, no, she didn't wantherself recorded or something.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Six minutes of it was fumbling through his iPad.
Kevin's still got it.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Oh, you got professional videographer too.
I did get a videographer.
This guy has done videos formany, many, many big bands, many
big venues Like Fifth Effect.
Yeah, his Instrumental Motion,it's the guy who did our video.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
No, the comedian did not want herself recorded, only
179 people have seen this on.
Youtube.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Oh yeah, we're not popular, so I'm going to tell
everybody.
Now go to YouTube three dimesreviews, the number three dimes
reviews and look at theembarrassing punishment recorded
live stand-up comedy 12 likes.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
I mean, it's better than none oh man, I would like
to have a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a.
What was I going to say, I?
Speaker 1 (24:53):
don't know, but I got to watch that someday again.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
I forgot.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Oh, the woman didn't want her shit recorded because
she was like this is trash.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
No, because this is my shit.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
She was using it like practice.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
Yeah, she's got her own podcast and shit.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
I listened to it, that's fine, I had to pay her a
quarter of $1,000.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Quarter thou, I like how you just made this sound so
expensive, and she got free foodout of it too, yeah, which she
didn't want to eat.
Why, I don't know, because itwas white trashy like.
It was all white trashy like no, she didn't eat.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
She's like I don't want this shit when it's on top
of a picnic table.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Oh, she didn't like the guy she brought, fucked that
food up.
She didn't like the shrimp oil.
She got food at the bar.
Yeah, that's right, she didn'twant your shrimp oil.
But that other dude that shewas with, yeah, he fucked that
shit up.
Yeah, he's like this is fuckingawesome.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
Actually, you know, when you were on stage I was
making that girl behind thecurtain Laugh at you.
Yeah, laugh at me pretty much,but kind of with me sometimes.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
That's what you should have did as your bit.
Because, all I was doing.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
Basically it was Slamming white claws.
She's like this is going to begood.
Talking about how sweaty I wasin that fucking, I kept that
leather jacket on because Ididn't know how long you were
going to be, so that shit was onfor 25 minutes.
I.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Because I didn't know how long you were going to be,
so that shit was on for 25minutes I had that leather
jacket on for 25 minutes withthe pleather pants because I was
ready to go out In anovercapacity bar serving food
after a Bucks game or Brewersgame, or whatever it was, there
was a fan in the back.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
I don't know if you saw it, but I was dry humping
that fan to cool down and shewas dying laughing at what I was
.
Yeah, you should, if you everdo this again.
Jay, you should use that, makefun of yourself Well here's the
thing is I went to the extremeof preparing a whole thing which
(26:51):
I shouldn't have done.
I should have just went upthere and just acted myself.
Oh hell.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
No, you definitely got to make it pretend.
They got to think you're justbeing yourself.
But you're really.
You fucking planned it out no,that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
No, I planned it out and it didn't.
I could not make it work asplanned.
I should have went up there andjust kind of improvised.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
You were trying to steal all kevin hart's bits.
I had not won.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Kevin.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Hart's bits Gun compartment.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Gun compartment I should have.
I should have just went with itand just fucking worked the
crowd and asked questions withthe crowd and just did nothing
but that.
Fucking.
What's his name?
That comedian, that crowd workcomedian that you see on?
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Ian Begg.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
No, the white dude that all girls love, oh, matt
Reif, matt Reif, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Yeah, he just picks someone out in the crowd and
makes fun of them.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
He's really good at it, though.
Look at you in the front rowwith the fake tits, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Yeah, I don't know if that was diabolical, bro.
That was pretty good, though.
Diabolical would have been likeif you told us we were going in
to do a like a song orsomething, but then it was
actually that we had to docomedy and we didn't know so
kind of like um impracticaljokers like you were gonna have
us video be video recordedeating chicken wings or
(28:12):
something.
So we came in all drunk andpopped up to try to break a
world record of chicken wingsshuffle, but in reality reality.
You're like uh, but actuallywe're doing this comedy show.
There's going to be about 65 to70 people out there and they're
all going to expect you to makethem laugh there was 275 people
there it was insane dude somany people too much.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
There's people, okay, so tony had this curtain up and
people on the like the side,right, I don't know, it's hard
to explain yeah, so right of it,could not see anything a big
rectangle.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
But then off of the side there's like, uh, the
bathrooms it's like we couldn'tbe pushed all the way to the
back.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Yeah, you would call it a hallway, but it's really
like 15 feet wide or more.
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
But it was.
There was a lot of area forpeople to go?
Speaker 2 (29:02):
Yeah, but it makes.
It makes this place kind of Lshaped and you couldn't, we
couldn't put you back by thebathrooms because it would have
just fucking.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Yeah, there was fucking people shooting darts
behind stage and using thebathroom and shit Like it was
not ideal.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
I was throwing darts with them waiting for you to
finish and see, you know, thefucked up thing is when, when I
went to um and we call it acampground, but it's really a
resort the resort actually has aconcert venue with lights
already.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Yeah, we could, we could have done it there, but no
one would have gone there,because they wanted the bar and
food.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
There is a bar in the outside venue.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
It wasn't open.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
They open it up whenever there's something out
there.
It doesn't matter what it is.
Should have done it there.
But I asked for that and hesaid that we're going to put you
in a bar because we don't knowif anybody's even going to show
up for this.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
Did you tell him how stupid he was for that decision?
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Well, that's when he reached out to me, that's where
he wants to do it and I'm like,yeah, of course, there's fucking
thousands of people here andit's either go see a free
stand-up show or sit at thiscampfirefire, which you can sit
at the campfire every otherafter and after and before.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Yeah, dude, I would do that again.
That was tons of fun.
I would totally do it again,but I would uh, you would
probably actually hire realcomedians and then I would
actually feel stupid.
So that would be.
The funny part is that you billme as one of the real comedians
.
That would be diabolical.
Oh, I'd headline you that wouldbe diabolical all the you gotta
(30:43):
go up and do nine.
You tell me at the last minuteit's a.
It's a 12 year old girl'sbirthday party you gotta go up
blindfolded.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
You can't see your audience.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Oh shit, you know, maybe this is still like the
rock star dreamer in me as Iquote quotations.
I would love to do stand upcomedy.
Like it would just take so muchtime though me as I quote
quotations.
I would love to do stand-upcomedy.
Like it would just take so muchtime though it'd be so time
consuming to do it right to getan actual like 8 to 10 minutes
(31:27):
of good shit that's things youhave to really want to do it,
though, not use cards and yougotta really want to do it.
You'd have to, like, start onthe wednesday night fucking open
mic, set rounds and fuckingtalking to three people inside
of a bar.
You'd have to do it for years,chris, and then eventually, yeah
, you would hope to getsomewhere.
But even if you got somewherelike what would be getting
(31:49):
somewhere as a comedian at at 40or I guess your age don't
really matter, but you gotta beon netflix special like how do
you make money like you?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
do a.
Rodney dangerfield didn't,didn't start comedy until he was
in his 60s cool, so there'sstill a chance.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
So there's still a chance.
But like what he was in moviesand shit before that, sure he
was no, he wasn't interesting.
Well, how like?
So you'd you'd get like thefree open mic sets you'd start
at like open mics, right, andthen you'd you'd like to
graduate to maybe like openingfor a guy for like a 20 seated
(32:27):
room at a corner comedy clubsomewhere.
Comedy club.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
So.
So, like the improv inmilwaukee, for instance, they do
open mics twice a week.
I'm assuming they take.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
You probably realize like 10 minutes or 10 days into
it that you're fucking suckcompared to these people who've
been doing this for years andthen the real luck out there.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
The real acts come on fridays and saturdays and some
of them travel with their ownopeners and middles, but they
always take somebody from theclub to host.
And that's how those guys geton.
They start if they're funny andthey're opening up for somebody
(33:14):
.
That person then takes them onthe road with them and hopefully
they have, you know, a strong15 minutes, and then their 15
minutes turns into okay, well,now I'm going to headline and
there's some traction behind you, like oh, I seen this guy open
up for whatever Tom Segura orwhatever.
(33:34):
Now he's out on his own, let'sgo check him out and blah, blah,
blah.
But uh, and when you becomelike a low-level headliner, I
don't, I don't think you stillactually make enough to like
quit your job.
Like I think out of the tens ofthousands of comedians there
(33:56):
are, there's probably only 1500that that do it for an entire
living.
I'll say less than that justshow up, dude.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I think that's the key, that's the first step.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Just Just show them the fuck up.
Have you guys ever heard of ashow called Kill Tony?
Speaker 1 (34:19):
We should make that show, tony.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Hinchcliffe.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
We should make that show because I want to kill you,
tony Hinchcliffe.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
He's a comedian.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
So he started this thing where he would take these
open micers and they all puttheir names in a hat and for the
show.
Know, the audience is likefilled with aspiring comedians
and he would pull a name out ofthe hat and he has him and a
couple of his friends up therelike judges or whatever, and uh,
(34:48):
he pulls your name, you come up, you do one minute of comedy
holy shit, that's tough.
And then they talk to you andand uh, then there's like
conversational humor.
Some of the guys like talk shitto the comedian and then a
comedian talks shit back andit's like this big fun thing.
But he's get, he's uh through.
(35:10):
That show has made a lot ofcomedians like I don't want to
say household names, but surethey're like traveling now and
uh, he's traveling, kill tonypod.
Like they're coming tomilwaukee.
We could go put our names inthe bucket and go have the
possibility at two in a minutelike I said I, I don't feel like
(35:31):
I've been in any way ready one.
This is three years ago oneminute of what I guess.
Whatever, I'll stand up thereand just look at people weird
for one minute yeah, you'll doabout as good as you did on the
comedy night 40 seconds andthey're like all right, dude
it's enough but uh I guess Iwould probably do my my infinity
(35:58):
wiping poop story because poopworks right.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Yeah, people like poop, people like poop, poop
jokes especially when you wipeit on someone's dead body.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
I don't know about that.
This is the part where, tony,you guys don't remember my
comedy thing?
Speaker 1 (36:15):
no, we don't remember any that.
I don't know about that.
You guys don't remember mycomedy thing?
No, we don't remember any of it.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
I played it All right .
Well, anyway, that's our show.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Shut up.
I think we can cut it off here.
Speaker 3 (36:30):
Squeeze it off, Jay play the music.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Am I supposed to be playing the music?
Don't you want the music at theend?
God damn it, three more devilsin, and fucking guy.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
I swear dude Just kidding.
No, is it playing?
No what.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
It's playing a little bit.
Check us out on whatever thefuck we're on Twitter, facebook,
instagram, email us.
Send Facebook, instagram, emailus.
Send us a fax.
Tell me the story about thetime you made your friends do
stand-up.
Whatever man, just reach out insome way If you got a product
(37:11):
you want us to whore out on ourshow.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Yeah, we're ready to whore out some products.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
I'm your guy today's.
Today's episode is actuallybrought to you by tony's total
donations uh mobile sperm bank.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
If you can come, we'll come to you all right
peace out people.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
All right, Peace out people.
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