May 6, 2025 • 28 mins
A wild honeymoon turns into a comedic disaster filled with turbulence, hotel chaos, and drunken escapades in Mexico. Jay shares hilarious tales from the trip, underscoring the unpredictable nature of travel and the value of humor in navigating misfortunes.
• Highlights the expectations versus reality of a honeymoon
• Captures travel woes from flights to hotel check-ins
• Discusses tipsy misadventures and cultural misunderstandings
• Explores the importance of humor during chaotic experiences
• Reflects on the bond strengthening through adversity
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Yo, what's up, guys, what's up, what's up, guys,
what's up, what's up.
So you want to hear a storyabout my honeymoon?
Sure Jay, what you got Straightup.
Honeymoon Probably one of theworst trips I've ever taken in
my life, not because I wasmarried, but because of the
things that happened at myhoneymoon.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So how long after you got married did you take your
honeymoon?
Speaker 2 (00:49):
A year, Took a year Wait wait, wait, no, no, that's
not right.
No, I went that same summer,same summer.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I still haven't gone on an official honeymoon, really
.
We went on a trip right afterour wedding for another friend's
wedding for a week in PuntaCana.
And you called that yourhoneymoon and we kind of called
that our honeymoon.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
In a honeymoon you kind of have to go by yourself.
You can't have anybody else butyou and your wife.
I mean, I think you can be.
Yeah, we had friends there.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, you can't have any friends.
My wife's most recentex-boyfriend was still there.
What?
Speaker 3 (01:27):
I guess maybe not most recently.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
So how was the three-way?
Yeah, right, that's.
That's another top shelf storycoming out every tuesday.
Tune in for that one.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
But and you said you had nothing so yeah, what?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
so?
Where did you go on yourhoneymoon, jay?
So?
Wait hold on.
We got to hear if tony went ahoneymoon oh you know I went on
a honeymoon.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
He went that night to a honeymoon.
I did After you got married,like literally did that thing
where they take you away fromthe ceremony and bring you on a
plane.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
We went the next morning, nice, we went like two
days after.
Two days, but again it wasn'treally a honeymoon, but but
again it wasn't really ahoneymoon, but it was like right
after our wedding.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I used all of our wedding money for it, which
sucked because I didn't.
I used all my wedding money forcocaine and hookers this is the
first time I've for the timewhen we went to Mexico.
This is the first time I'veever been out of the country.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Did you go to an all-inclusive yeah, where
everything was included?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (02:29):
We got some good gifts.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
What's that?
All the booze?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
everything.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Everything.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
So first off, we went to somewhere near Cancun.
I don't know One of the citiesright by there.
There's a bunch of them thatpeople go to that are popular
Sinaloa, I don't know, LasPalmas Fucking I don't know what
the fuck it is.
So the first thing thathappened, that was a bad
(02:59):
experience which started thedownhill domino effect of
terribleness was the airplaneride the airplane ride, the
airplane ride.
I'm already terrified to fly.
Did you guys get to sit next?
Speaker 1 (03:12):
to each other.
I had a terrible fucking.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
That's the only thing that could have made it better.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I had a terrible travel agent.
She didn't even get her sameseats.
We had to sit.
No, I'm kidding, we had to sitnext to each other.
We had terrible turbulence.
I think you seats, we had tosit.
She was.
No, I'm kidding, no, we had tosit next to each other I had.
We had terrible turbulence.
You're I think you talked aboutthis on the podcast before tony
dude, it's the worst.
You, my mom always tells me,because she was a stewardess you
cannot die from the turbulence.
(03:37):
Can't will not kill you.
No, the ground kills you.
There's nothing dangerous.
Okay, I'll order it a differentway, because that sounds kind
of stupid.
There's nothing dangerous.
Okay, I'll word it a differentway, because that sounds kind of
stupid.
There's nothing dangerous aboutturbulence.
It's not gonna fuck the planeup.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Basically, you're not in trouble it sure feels like
it though that's what I'm sayingit's like rattling, like a son
of a bitch it's it's.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I hate roller coasters.
It reminds me of a rollercoaster, but being in 30 000
feet in there, how high you arein an airplane?
I think so, in the air going600 miles an hour.
So that was the.
That was the start of it.
That was already like a badsign for things to come direct
flight though yeah, no changinga plane none of that rigmarole.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
No lost luggage because I'm afraid to fly I only
direct fly.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
I don't want to get off and wait for another freak
out and wait two hours foranother plane what's even worse
is when they make you wait onthe plane.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yeah, if you're connecting with us to from
detroit to milwaukee, just sittight.
We'll be boarding in a whileand you just sit on the fucking
plane do people go off and comeback.
Why do they?
Even stop there no, yeah, yeah,some people get off, people get
off more people come on, theydo a whole thing and then more
people come on, but like eightof you are just stuck on this
(04:51):
plane.
You can't get off because youdon't have tickets for anything.
So if you get off, you'refucked, never done.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
You're just on the plane Never done one of Always
straight through.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Everyone gets up and walks around the stewardess.
They do offer you like a drinkand a snack in between, and shit
Never done.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Those Always got to go straight through.
I'm not flying, fuck it, I'lldrive to Mexico.
So, and then we get.
We land, we take a two hour busride to our place of our hotel.
We're staying, and we find outthat they're completely booked
out, so we have nowhere to sleepor stay.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
So wait, your reservation was not reserved.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
No, it was overbooked .
I don't know, I have no idea.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
How the fuck do you get a standby hotel?
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Well, that's the thing.
We are like what the fuck areyou going to do?
We were waiting hours in thelobby for them to figure out
what the hell to do.
It's miserable.
Yeah, gonna do.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
we're waiting hours in the lobby for them to figure
out what the hell to do.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Miserable yeah, they're just waiting on the
diarrhea to kill somebody is shestill wearing her wedding dress
.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Yeah, I haven't even got to consummate the marriage
yet.
Two months after the yeah, twodifferent countries later stuck
in a hotel lobby.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
So, after hours of waiting in the lobby, we finally
get the news we are going to beupgraded to a better inclusive,
all adult inclusive hotel and Iwas like, yes, this sounds
awesome.
There's no kids around, there'sless families, there's more
more people like me, morerambunctious excitement ready to
(06:29):
go.
Well, you know, it turned outthat was probably the worst
thing to do, because there's alot more people drinking,
getting drunk and uh, you knowwhat happens when I get around
people when I'm drunk nothingyeah, you fuck them.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
So they moved you.
Now, how long was the butt, howmuch?
How long was the bus ride?
Speaker 3 (06:46):
for tracy was like hell yeah, it's like two.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
I was like two hours dude another two hours uh, to
the next one was probably a halfhour, it wasn't bad, so they
bust you over there.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
They're like this is an upgrade yeah was it an
upgrade?
Speaker 2 (07:00):
uh, from the looks of it, it was the same fucking
hotel, the same place, samebecause it was like one of their
sister hotels.
Three towns yeah it doesn'tlook any different, but again,
this place doesn't have any kids, so here's so I've never been
to mexico I don't want to go.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
It sucks.
No, I don't want to go at alllike it's so far down on my list
of things to do.
Like I love mexico it'sslightly above.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
I've never had a car door, never had a bad time, um,
never done that, though, somaybe it is similar so I hear
that the transportation doeshave a gentleman sitting on a
roof with a machine gun.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
Yeah, is that a?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
thing as you're passing through spots in the
area where you're driving.
Yes, there's different guyswith fucking huge guns sitting
in uh, you know towers thatsounds like something I'd be
into I think a lot of a lot ofthose.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
It's because, like each city, is responsible for
their own crime and they knowpeople are moving around so they
want to identify them whenthey're moving, I think, and not
have it happen in the town.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
They want to keep the tourists safe.
That's where their fuckingmoney comes from.
That's another part, yeah, soyeah, there's a lot of guys with
machine guns.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
But you've not been to Mexico.
No, it's not like that.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That's not everywhere .
Speaker 1 (08:28):
There's not like that , that's not everywhere.
Like that's not, there's notjust like commando posts on
every roundabout.
There's a lot of them, thoughthere was.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
There is more than around here, though oh yeah,
it's slightly more thanmilwaukee, yeah they're not as
much a local police presencethough, either.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
That's just the military police type presence.
Don't fuck around, I guess Idon't know.
Now you're at this new hotel,it's all adults, you're all
checked in.
Things are starting to look up.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I've never been to an all-inclusive thing and I've
never been out of the state, soI didn't know what to expect.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Now you've been there for two and a half hours and
you're hammered Is what?
You're saying You're alreadygetting yelled at for looking at
the bartender and you know it'skind of crazy.
Is it too many friends?
And why don't you come back tothe room, jay?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
You know.
What's cool, though, is,everywhere you go, someone's
handing you a drink or somethingto eat, or something because,
they want to tip and if youdon't tip them, they remember
you and they don't come back.
You got to go to them.
So I made sure to give everyoneat least a dollar.
Whoever gave me.
I had strip money, strippermoney.
In my pocket, I had fuckingsingle.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
You brought the bachelor party to Mexico.
You literally brought sand tothe beach there.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Fuck, yeah, man.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I was tipping it.
I was even tipping people thatdidn't work there.
Your wife's like, wow, jay, I'mglad I married such a prepared
man who's thoughtful enough tohave brought singles to the
resort to tip people you're sokind.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
Nothing more offensive than a woman and her
husband sitting at the bar and arandom drunk dude comes up and
just hands her a dollar here yougo, little lady no, so, uh, uh,
so the the drinks they give youare this is what I don't
understand is like you can'tdrink the water in mexico.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Right, and maybe they do have a separate filtration
system for the ice, but itdoesn't seem like it, because
the ice stinks, yeah, andeverything they make is with
that ice.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Yeah, all their fucking drinks yeah, you, most
of the resorts, though.
They have a special system intheir whole facility.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
That's the only reason why, otherwise everyone
would get sick every day anyway.
Uh, you wouldn't even be ableto eat the fruit at the buffet
and after like two days ofdrinking those drinks, you're
just so fucking sick of them.
It's like drinking straight upsyrup.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
It's just Well you don't have to keep drinking them
.
I know you can ask them for abourbon or something and be a
man about it, True that.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
But you know, I don't know, I never I didn't think of
that.
It that?
Speaker 1 (11:06):
but you know, I don't know, I never I didn't think of
that.
It was either that or beer forme.
But this is before theyinvented white claws.
After I mean, it was right.
I mean, they didn't have thatshit where you could drink a
fucking seagram's, one of thosecoolers you guys got any bartles
and j I'm looking for OceanBreeze.
It's supposed to be all you candrink, I just need some MD 2020
(11:28):
.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah.
So you don't know what toexpect If you've never been to
an all-inclusive,all-you-can-drink shit.
You don't know what you're infor if you're a drinker.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
So you got yourself into a little bit of the drunken
stupor, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
First day.
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, I mean,like you said, two hours so the
fun thing, the fun thing I know,and they slam them into you,
especially if they know thatit's a bachelor or a wedding
thing.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Yeah, so.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
So the thing I do know about jay, it's not that
I've been drinking with him abunch or anything like that, but
I do know once jay startsdrinking, everybody around him
goes on what we like to callmanage Jay duty.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Tony, no one there knew me Nobody nobody, nobody.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Lets Jay just run wild when he's drunk.
Everybody's got to like there's.
There's always a diversion,like you gotta divert what's
going on when jay's real fuckedup, like like his brother, for
instance, has to go tell peoplethat jay's starting fights with.
He doesn't really want to fightyou, sir, that wasn't a
(12:32):
different episode.
Don't bring that back but I'mjust saying like there's a fair
amount of managing and tracy,she's new to jay at this point
right?
Speaker 1 (12:42):
no, she wasn't actually I.
They have been dating for adecade, three kids in.
Yeah, we were two kids in.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
My one year old was the ring bearer.
So after a couple days of Inthe food in Mexico too, it
doesn't matter if you're havinga cheeseburger or if you're
having a taco it always tastesthe fucking same Exactly.
Why is that?
Well, everything tastes exactlythe same.
It's all horse, so dude.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I mean cause when you're on it.
When you're at an all inclusive, there's a level of limited
expectation you should have ofthe quality versus quantity of
what you receive no, I got thatwhen we did our thing we were at
an all-inclusive and a coupleof the nights we went to like
they were included as well, butyou had to set reservations to
(13:34):
go to like the fancierrestaurants and then it was like
a steakhouse.
That actually was like asteakhouse, not like an
all-you-can-eat inclusive.
Steak night at the resortsteakhouse.
That actually was like asteakhouse, not like an
all-you-can-eat inclusive, yeah,steak night at the resort,
because that steak night is justthe ground beef for the tacos
before they grind it oh god thenthe next night sloppy joe's and
it's like wait a minute,everything's just labeled as
(13:57):
meat well, we, we did a lot.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
We got a lot of uh, uh, midnight, uh, um, what the
fuck is it called?
Come to your door and like roomservice, yeah room service,
because room service was I thinkuntil 1 1 pm every night.
We did every fucking night.
But it was always like I saidshe got a sandwich.
I got a different type ofsandwich.
Completely.
It tasted the fucking same I'mlike let me try your sandwich I
try hers like what it's, likemine it's not even the same
(14:22):
fucking thing.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Anyway, after a couple days, thank god, you
invented putting ranch on stuff,otherwise you would have been
good thing you had that ranchtrick you taught?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
everybody back when you were a kid.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
I did, I started the ranch movement in Muskego.
The ranch movement startedbecause I started dipping my
pizza into some white cream.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
This was pre-9-11.
That's back when you couldtravel with full bottles of
ranch.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
You didn't have to separate your ranch into
two-ounce bottles and put theminside a plastic bag.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Hell.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
No, I just had my ranch duffel and we just went
from there, so they're makingfun of me, because earlier today
I said, hey, I invented theranch dipping thing, because
before anyone even knew about it, before I even noticed someone
doing it, I was already doing it.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, I fucking dipped everything in ranch.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Back then it was just for salads.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
We looked it up on the internet.
It's true.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Yeah, just for salads .
We looked it up on the internet, it's true.
Yeah, there's a picture of mewith a ranch mustache.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Yeah, it's a picture.
The backdrop is a Top ShelfStories banner.
It's wild.
You got to look on the internetfor it.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
So after like three days of eating and drinking that
stuff, my wife gets fuckingsick and she's shitting blood
out of her ass.
She probably doesn't want me tosay that, but she was bad, she,
she.
I don't know if she drank someof the water when she was
brushing her teeth.
What the fuck happened?
She was sick, she was.
She couldn't get out of theroom.
She wouldn't even go come outof the room.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
So you have you guys stop you, I'm sure uh, yeah,
well, that's why I feel likethere's free liquor.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
That's why I'm getting to another story.
Do you ever, guys, ever, seethe movie?
Uh, um, probably not.
Heartbreak, kid uh with uh benstiller no, okay, in that story
he's on a honeymoon with hiswife.
His wife gets sunburned reallybad.
She does the same thing my wifedoes.
She does not come out of herroom because she's so sick, and
that he well, I didn't do whathe did in the movie because he
(16:18):
met another girl and fell inlove with her and divorced his
wife and the honeymoon yikes,yeah, it was pretty bad.
I didn't do that, okay, but Idid other things because I was
drinking and you know, I meanthey have events on an
all-inclusive place all night,all day, everywhere you look
things, you can do people, youcan meet fucking pool,
(16:38):
volleyball, uh, soccer on thebeach right next to the
beautiful ocean.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
There's nothing that makes you feel worse as a person
than coming back from the bestday of your life and being like
oh, has your asshole stoppedbleeding yet Do you want me to
order up some more ice chips andsaltine crackers?
Is there anything I can do likehammered?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
falling into the walls, still peeing pants
unzipped as he comes out,pissing in the closet going.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Is there anything I can do for you?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
She's just trying to watch key and peel on the
fucking pay-per-view All right.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
So one night where that story was kind of almost
accurate.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Dude, I've been there for sure.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
You know, I was drinking all day.
I think she came out to thepool and she got some food, but
she went back to the room rightafter and I just kind of wanted
to stay out, so I just stayed atthe pool bar.
They have a couple of them,they have a bar, they had bars
everywhere.
And then I start like talkingto this, these, um, these
Italian dudes and chicks, andthey didn't work.
(17:54):
They worked at a differentresort I don't know what it was,
I forget what the situation was, but I was getting them drinks.
They couldn't go up there andget them, so I was literally
coming back with 12 drinks inother words, they weren't
supposed to be there.
Yeah, basically can't have thewristband and if, for some
reason, my you know my level ofdrunkness I, for some reason I
(18:16):
can understand differentlanguages.
So they were talking to eachother in their own language and
I was like they're fuckingtalking shit about me.
When I'm, you know, conversingwith one of the other dudes, I
can hear them talking, lookingat me with side eye, laughing.
I'm like those fuckers aresaying something about me.
So I get into one of their, oneof their faces and I'd say I
(18:37):
understand it.
I understand spanish anditalian.
You're talking shit about me.
What the fuck are you saying?
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I understand what you're saying.
What the fuck are you saying?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
I'm like I know you're saying, but what the fuck
did you say?
What are you saying?
But I know you're sayingsomething and they're just
laughing at me and whatever.
So it makes me even more mad.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
So I find the you should have just dosed their
drinks with something.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
You're like so I spit in this girl's face.
So so I've.
I met these, this other coupleearlier that day.
It was uh, oh my god, my wifeis texting me.
That was creepy.
Um, I met this, uh, this othercouple, um, during the day, and
then I went over to them.
I was like dude, they'retalking shit about me and
(19:25):
they're talking shit about you.
What the fuck are we going todo?
We're American, they're not,and we're in their country.
They're Italian.
I think they were, maybe theyweren't Italian, I don't fucking
know.
They didn't look Mexican,that's all I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
But they talk a different language a different
language.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
You're like some fucking olive skin piece of shit
you understood them Speaking intheir native language.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Of course they were Mexican.
You can cut it.
They were at the all-inclusiveresort with no wristband.
They walked there, bro.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Whatever, they weren't Italian, they looked
white and they were tall.
So I was like dude, we shoulddo something To you In this
situation.
I'm as tall as everybody at theplace.
Everyone is my height.
I'm not that short in Mexico,okay.
(20:15):
So I tell this dude, I'm like,hey, let's go fucking do
something about this.
I can't just let this shithappen.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
He's like's like dude , you kind of can't just let it
happen.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
He's like dude.
All right man.
He came over with me to him and, uh, he's like dude.
What the fuck did?
I say I don't?
Did he walk back to his chairand sat down?
Yeah, and then I startedgetting into more of a of a
bustle with them and I'm pushingthem and shit they're pushing
back, like we started likegetting at it a little bit and
(20:47):
then security came, broke us up.
I went back to my room and Istart like punching the walls
and yelling and then the fuckingmexican police came to my door
and were telling me that I needto calm down, quiet down, or
they're going to arrest me.
I said, hey, I just turned mytv up really loud.
(21:08):
It's not me and I don't knowwho's pounding over here.
It's not me and like we knowyou know, tracy's like I fell
down the stairs.
This isn't for him I don't evenknow what tracy was thinking
because I was probably, you knowTracy's like.
I fell down the stairs.
This isn't for him.
I don't even know what Tracywas thinking because I was
probably terribly drunk, pissedoff yelling at.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
She doesn't even know what the hell I was yelling at.
I don't even know what I wasyelling at.
You were probably yelling inSpanish or Italian Spanglish.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
So I didn't know what was going on there, but that
night was bad.
So I didn't know what was goingon there, but that night was
bad.
There might've been a couplemore things that happened
between me and the Italians that, uh, I don't really want to
talk about in the podcast.
Did you get raped?
Oh man, you got it Got raped inthe pool Got a bug bite Sounds
hot.
So that was another bad thingthat happened and again, that
(21:55):
was my, my cause.
I caused that, I didn't causethe airplane disaster and I
didn't cause the hotel to beripped out.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, I can't believe they, but that one I did so.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Then, four days into our seven-day excursion, I'm
playing soccer on the beach.
Is the wife recovered?
She's recovered now and we'redoing stuff together.
So I have what do you call this?
A barrier between me and mydumbness, so she can stop me
from being idiotic, okay, so I'mplaying soccer on on the beach,
(22:27):
okay, and I'm starting to getsounds like the exact opposite
that I would be doing on myvacation it was.
I like soccer and it was.
It was just, I don't know, Iwas drunk and wanted to play a
sport, so I got everybody out ofthe.
I just try to get as manypeople as I could to play a you
know a big game like 12 on 12.
It was fucking nuts.
(22:48):
So I was getting everybody inthe pool, like pulling people
out of the pool Like I wasdrinking, so I didn't care.
So I got probably 20 people toplay soccer.
We were playing for probablyabout 30 minutes in and then we
started getting more aggressive,like really, I mean, it's two
to one, this is the end, this isthe champion, this is for the
(23:09):
cup.
So I'm playing a little bitharder and I knock one of the
guys down that has the ball,that's driving to get a goal.
I knock him down, he breaks hisarm and they have to leave
Mexico.
Oh God.
I saw them the next day, I knewhe got hurt.
I didn't know how bad he gothurt, but I saw him the next day
(23:30):
and he had like a cast on andhe had like that little rope
thing that you tie around yourneck to keep his arm from A
sling for the people at home,the rope thing.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
I was going to let him go with it for a little bit.
You got to let him go.
Tony, you understand janglish,janglish, jay-isms, what do we
call?
Speaker 3 (23:53):
them.
No, yeah, no, I get it, I getit.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I should have let that roll you gotta let him roll
, all right now.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
I won't forget that next time I explain the story.
It was a sling, so you got thekid in the sling and I was like
are you right, dude?
Actually I didn't say anythingto him, just handed him a get
wall card and went about your.
I just looked at him reallyquickly and walked away.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
But I'm like Tracy, you want to play soccer today.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
You ready for more soccer Round two?
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Skins.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Skins are better than shirts fucker Told you.
So that was another badexperience.
I felt bad, but I mean, youknow, you came in the game, you
knowing what's going to happen.
We're all fucking.
You signed the waiver.
Yeah, you signed some waiver.
He shouldn't have tried toscore a goal.
Yeah, I know it was close, itwas one to two.
I'm not losing, especially inMexico.
(24:44):
Got to represent Americans, soturbulence no check-in.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
fight with the Italian-Mexican Americans Broken
arm.
Broke the guy's arm Wife'sfeeling better finally.
You have not stopped drinking.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
And then the trip starts to round out.
We basically just did all theexcursions and kind of had fun
the rest of the couple days thatwe were left.
I mean, I went out into theocean 30 feet deep and I wasn't
like I'm afraid of water, Ican't see, and this shit is so
clear that it didn't bother me.
(25:26):
Like you go out there, youcould see everything.
But as I was going back I was,you know, pedaling backwards
with my scuba gear because Ididn't know if someone would
come from behind me and attackme when I'm trying to get back
on shore.
I ain't gonna let that happen.
So I was paddling backwardswhile looking underwater as I'm
going back.
We were fucking far out there.
It was freaky, but it was coolat the same time.
(25:49):
We did that and I think thatwas about it.
I didn't have too much more badexperiences that I caused or
happened to us.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
So the flight, the bus ride and the flight home
were all.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Yeah, that was all normal.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
I don't remember anything that doesn't sound like
that bad of a trip.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Jay, maybe if.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
You're lucky she came home with you, though I'll say
that, after all that bullshit,she was probably playing sick
because she just wanted to getmassages.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
No, she needed a break.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
We got the massage thing.
That's stupid.
That was another dumb thing,but I told that story on another
one, so I don't really want totalk about it every Tuesday oh
when you got super lubed, yeah,by the sticky lube.
We went into the salon.
What do you call it?
Spa?
Jesus Christ, there's an S inthere somewhere the spa.
(26:41):
We got massages.
I had to get a fucking guy.
She might have got a guy, Idon't know.
Of course she did and, like Isaid in our massage story before
, this guy's not even massagingme.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
I'm feeling all your tension in my nipples.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
I got a lot of tension in my upper thighs.
He just kept squirting me withfucking lotion or lube or
whatever the fuck they use.
It did not even rub me barely.
All I hear is just Dude.
That's enough.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Stop.
He is just standing on themassage table squeezing a bottle
of lube between his thighs.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
We talked about this story already.
Again a massage, uh, but yeah, Iwould say like a quick trip
glazed donut when you were doneto round this off we had, we
went to mexico one more timebecause my my sister, got
married there.
I did not want to go.
She got sick again.
So now I know for a fact we'llnever be there again and she
doesn't want to go there everagain.
(27:37):
So I don't want to go thereever again, so I don't have to
worry about ever.
I mean, next time we're goingsomewhere it's going to be
fucking hawaii or you knowsomewhere, not there, okay?
Speaker 3 (27:50):
mexico just seems like a giant shithole, uh, if
you go out of the resort.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Yeah, it, fucking it fucking is I've been to Third
World Mexico, and I liked it.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Of course I liked the shit out of it.
You're like I went there withnothing but a backpack.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Pretty much.
I had money, though, so I had acorporate card.
Well, thanks for telling usyour story.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
No problem.
So if you like our podcast,remember no.
Seriously, though, Give us somestars, Give us a rating and
review.
Do it on whatever you listen toon Apple, on Spotify.
It helps us out.
I give ourselves our ownratings.
Those are the only ratings wegot so far.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
There you go Go on the interwebs Tell us about your
honeymoon.
Shut up, Tony.
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Yo, what's up, guys, what's up, what's up, guys,
what's up, what's up.
So you want to hear a storyabout my honeymoon?
Sure Jay, what you got Straightup.
Honeymoon Probably one of theworst trips I've ever taken in
my life, not because I wasmarried, but because of the
things that happened at myhoneymoon.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So how long after you got married did you take your
honeymoon?
Speaker 2 (00:49):
A year, Took a year Wait wait, wait, no, no, that's
not right.
No, I went that same summer,same summer.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I still haven't gone on an official honeymoon, really
.
We went on a trip right afterour wedding for another friend's
wedding for a week in PuntaCana.
And you called that yourhoneymoon and we kind of called
that our honeymoon.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
In a honeymoon you kind of have to go by yourself.
You can't have anybody else butyou and your wife.
I mean, I think you can be.
Yeah, we had friends there.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, you can't have any friends.
My wife's most recentex-boyfriend was still there.
What?
Speaker 3 (01:27):
I guess maybe not most recently.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
So how was the three-way?
Yeah, right, that's.
That's another top shelf storycoming out every tuesday.
Tune in for that one.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
But and you said you had nothing so yeah, what?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
so?
Where did you go on yourhoneymoon, jay?
So?
Wait hold on.
We got to hear if tony went ahoneymoon oh you know I went on
a honeymoon.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
He went that night to a honeymoon.
I did After you got married,like literally did that thing
where they take you away fromthe ceremony and bring you on a
plane.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
We went the next morning, nice, we went like two
days after.
Two days, but again it wasn'treally a honeymoon, but but
again it wasn't really ahoneymoon, but it was like right
after our wedding.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I used all of our wedding money for it, which
sucked because I didn't.
I used all my wedding money forcocaine and hookers this is the
first time I've for the timewhen we went to Mexico.
This is the first time I'veever been out of the country.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Did you go to an all-inclusive yeah, where
everything was included?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (02:29):
We got some good gifts.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
What's that?
All the booze?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
everything.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Everything.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
So first off, we went to somewhere near Cancun.
I don't know One of the citiesright by there.
There's a bunch of them thatpeople go to that are popular
Sinaloa, I don't know, LasPalmas Fucking I don't know what
the fuck it is.
So the first thing thathappened, that was a bad
(02:59):
experience which started thedownhill domino effect of
terribleness was the airplaneride the airplane ride, the
airplane ride.
I'm already terrified to fly.
Did you guys get to sit next?
Speaker 1 (03:12):
to each other.
I had a terrible fucking.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
That's the only thing that could have made it better.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
I had a terrible travel agent.
She didn't even get her sameseats.
We had to sit.
No, I'm kidding, we had to sitnext to each other.
We had terrible turbulence.
I think you seats, we had tosit.
She was.
No, I'm kidding, no, we had tosit next to each other I had.
We had terrible turbulence.
You're I think you talked aboutthis on the podcast before tony
dude, it's the worst.
You, my mom always tells me,because she was a stewardess you
cannot die from the turbulence.
(03:37):
Can't will not kill you.
No, the ground kills you.
There's nothing dangerous.
Okay, I'll order it a differentway, because that sounds kind
of stupid.
There's nothing dangerous.
Okay, I'll word it a differentway, because that sounds kind of
stupid.
There's nothing dangerous aboutturbulence.
It's not gonna fuck the planeup.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Basically, you're not in trouble it sure feels like
it though that's what I'm sayingit's like rattling, like a son
of a bitch it's it's.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I hate roller coasters.
It reminds me of a rollercoaster, but being in 30 000
feet in there, how high you arein an airplane?
I think so, in the air going600 miles an hour.
So that was the.
That was the start of it.
That was already like a badsign for things to come direct
flight though yeah, no changinga plane none of that rigmarole.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
No lost luggage because I'm afraid to fly I only
direct fly.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
I don't want to get off and wait for another freak
out and wait two hours foranother plane what's even worse
is when they make you wait onthe plane.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yeah, if you're connecting with us to from
detroit to milwaukee, just sittight.
We'll be boarding in a whileand you just sit on the fucking
plane do people go off and comeback.
Why do they?
Even stop there no, yeah, yeah,some people get off, people get
off more people come on, theydo a whole thing and then more
people come on, but like eightof you are just stuck on this
(04:51):
plane.
You can't get off because youdon't have tickets for anything.
So if you get off, you'refucked, never done.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
You're just on the plane Never done one of Always
straight through.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Everyone gets up and walks around the stewardess.
They do offer you like a drinkand a snack in between, and shit
Never done.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
Those Always got to go straight through.
I'm not flying, fuck it, I'lldrive to Mexico.
So, and then we get.
We land, we take a two hour busride to our place of our hotel.
We're staying, and we find outthat they're completely booked
out, so we have nowhere to sleepor stay.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
So wait, your reservation was not reserved.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
No, it was overbooked .
I don't know, I have no idea.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
How the fuck do you get a standby hotel?
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Well, that's the thing.
We are like what the fuck areyou going to do?
We were waiting hours in thelobby for them to figure out
what the hell to do.
It's miserable.
Yeah, gonna do.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
we're waiting hours in the lobby for them to figure
out what the hell to do.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Miserable yeah, they're just waiting on the
diarrhea to kill somebody is shestill wearing her wedding dress
.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Yeah, I haven't even got to consummate the marriage
yet.
Two months after the yeah, twodifferent countries later stuck
in a hotel lobby.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
So, after hours of waiting in the lobby, we finally
get the news we are going to beupgraded to a better inclusive,
all adult inclusive hotel and Iwas like, yes, this sounds
awesome.
There's no kids around, there'sless families, there's more
more people like me, morerambunctious excitement ready to
(06:29):
go.
Well, you know, it turned outthat was probably the worst
thing to do, because there's alot more people drinking,
getting drunk and uh, you knowwhat happens when I get around
people when I'm drunk nothingyeah, you fuck them.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
So they moved you.
Now, how long was the butt, howmuch?
How long was the bus ride?
Speaker 3 (06:46):
for tracy was like hell yeah, it's like two.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
I was like two hours dude another two hours uh, to
the next one was probably a halfhour, it wasn't bad, so they
bust you over there.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
They're like this is an upgrade yeah was it an
upgrade?
Speaker 2 (07:00):
uh, from the looks of it, it was the same fucking
hotel, the same place, samebecause it was like one of their
sister hotels.
Three towns yeah it doesn'tlook any different, but again,
this place doesn't have any kids, so here's so I've never been
to mexico I don't want to go.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
It sucks.
No, I don't want to go at alllike it's so far down on my list
of things to do.
Like I love mexico it'sslightly above.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
I've never had a car door, never had a bad time, um,
never done that, though, somaybe it is similar so I hear
that the transportation doeshave a gentleman sitting on a
roof with a machine gun.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
Yeah, is that a?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
thing as you're passing through spots in the
area where you're driving.
Yes, there's different guyswith fucking huge guns sitting
in uh, you know towers thatsounds like something I'd be
into I think a lot of a lot ofthose.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
It's because, like each city, is responsible for
their own crime and they knowpeople are moving around so they
want to identify them whenthey're moving, I think, and not
have it happen in the town.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
They want to keep the tourists safe.
That's where their fuckingmoney comes from.
That's another part, yeah, soyeah, there's a lot of guys with
machine guns.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
But you've not been to Mexico.
No, it's not like that.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That's not everywhere .
Speaker 1 (08:28):
There's not like that , that's not everywhere.
Like that's not, there's notjust like commando posts on
every roundabout.
There's a lot of them, thoughthere was.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
There is more than around here, though oh yeah,
it's slightly more thanmilwaukee, yeah they're not as
much a local police presencethough, either.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
That's just the military police type presence.
Don't fuck around, I guess Idon't know.
Now you're at this new hotel,it's all adults, you're all
checked in.
Things are starting to look up.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I've never been to an all-inclusive thing and I've
never been out of the state, soI didn't know what to expect.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Now you've been there for two and a half hours and
you're hammered Is what?
You're saying You're alreadygetting yelled at for looking at
the bartender and you know it'skind of crazy.
Is it too many friends?
And why don't you come back tothe room, jay?
Speaker 2 (09:16):
You know.
What's cool, though, is,everywhere you go, someone's
handing you a drink or somethingto eat, or something because,
they want to tip and if youdon't tip them, they remember
you and they don't come back.
You got to go to them.
So I made sure to give everyoneat least a dollar.
Whoever gave me.
I had strip money, strippermoney.
In my pocket, I had fuckingsingle.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
You brought the bachelor party to Mexico.
You literally brought sand tothe beach there.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Fuck, yeah, man.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I was tipping it.
I was even tipping people thatdidn't work there.
Your wife's like, wow, jay, I'mglad I married such a prepared
man who's thoughtful enough tohave brought singles to the
resort to tip people you're sokind.
Speaker 3 (09:55):
Nothing more offensive than a woman and her
husband sitting at the bar and arandom drunk dude comes up and
just hands her a dollar here yougo, little lady no, so, uh, uh,
so the the drinks they give youare this is what I don't
understand is like you can'tdrink the water in mexico.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Right, and maybe they do have a separate filtration
system for the ice, but itdoesn't seem like it, because
the ice stinks, yeah, andeverything they make is with
that ice.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Yeah, all their fucking drinks yeah, you, most
of the resorts, though.
They have a special system intheir whole facility.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
That's the only reason why, otherwise everyone
would get sick every day anyway.
Uh, you wouldn't even be ableto eat the fruit at the buffet
and after like two days ofdrinking those drinks, you're
just so fucking sick of them.
It's like drinking straight upsyrup.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
It's just Well you don't have to keep drinking them
.
I know you can ask them for abourbon or something and be a
man about it, True that.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
But you know, I don't know, I never I didn't think of
that.
It that?
Speaker 1 (11:06):
but you know, I don't know, I never I didn't think of
that.
It was either that or beer forme.
But this is before theyinvented white claws.
After I mean, it was right.
I mean, they didn't have thatshit where you could drink a
fucking seagram's, one of thosecoolers you guys got any bartles
and j I'm looking for OceanBreeze.
It's supposed to be all you candrink, I just need some MD 2020
(11:28):
.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah.
So you don't know what toexpect If you've never been to
an all-inclusive,all-you-can-drink shit.
You don't know what you're infor if you're a drinker.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
So you got yourself into a little bit of the drunken
stupor, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
First day.
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, I mean,like you said, two hours so the
fun thing, the fun thing I know,and they slam them into you,
especially if they know thatit's a bachelor or a wedding
thing.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Yeah, so.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
So the thing I do know about jay, it's not that
I've been drinking with him abunch or anything like that, but
I do know once jay startsdrinking, everybody around him
goes on what we like to callmanage Jay duty.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Tony, no one there knew me Nobody nobody, nobody.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Lets Jay just run wild when he's drunk.
Everybody's got to like there's.
There's always a diversion,like you gotta divert what's
going on when jay's real fuckedup, like like his brother, for
instance, has to go tell peoplethat jay's starting fights with.
He doesn't really want to fightyou, sir, that wasn't a
(12:32):
different episode.
Don't bring that back but I'mjust saying like there's a fair
amount of managing and tracy,she's new to jay at this point
right?
Speaker 1 (12:42):
no, she wasn't actually I.
They have been dating for adecade, three kids in.
Yeah, we were two kids in.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
My one year old was the ring bearer.
So after a couple days of Inthe food in Mexico too, it
doesn't matter if you're havinga cheeseburger or if you're
having a taco it always tastesthe fucking same Exactly.
Why is that?
Well, everything tastes exactlythe same.
It's all horse, so dude.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I mean cause when you're on it.
When you're at an all inclusive, there's a level of limited
expectation you should have ofthe quality versus quantity of
what you receive no, I got thatwhen we did our thing we were at
an all-inclusive and a coupleof the nights we went to like
they were included as well, butyou had to set reservations to
(13:34):
go to like the fancierrestaurants and then it was like
a steakhouse.
That actually was like asteakhouse, not like an
all-you-can-eat inclusive.
Steak night at the resortsteakhouse.
That actually was like asteakhouse, not like an
all-you-can-eat inclusive, yeah,steak night at the resort,
because that steak night is justthe ground beef for the tacos
before they grind it oh god thenthe next night sloppy joe's and
it's like wait a minute,everything's just labeled as
(13:57):
meat well, we, we did a lot.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
We got a lot of uh, uh, midnight, uh, um, what the
fuck is it called?
Come to your door and like roomservice, yeah room service,
because room service was I thinkuntil 1 1 pm every night.
We did every fucking night.
But it was always like I saidshe got a sandwich.
I got a different type ofsandwich.
Completely.
It tasted the fucking same I'mlike let me try your sandwich I
try hers like what it's, likemine it's not even the same
(14:22):
fucking thing.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Anyway, after a couple days, thank god, you
invented putting ranch on stuff,otherwise you would have been
good thing you had that ranchtrick you taught?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
everybody back when you were a kid.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
I did, I started the ranch movement in Muskego.
The ranch movement startedbecause I started dipping my
pizza into some white cream.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
This was pre-9-11.
That's back when you couldtravel with full bottles of
ranch.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
You didn't have to separate your ranch into
two-ounce bottles and put theminside a plastic bag.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Hell.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
No, I just had my ranch duffel and we just went
from there, so they're makingfun of me, because earlier today
I said, hey, I invented theranch dipping thing, because
before anyone even knew about it, before I even noticed someone
doing it, I was already doing it.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, I fucking dipped everything in ranch.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Back then it was just for salads.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
We looked it up on the internet.
It's true.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Yeah, just for salads .
We looked it up on the internet, it's true.
Yeah, there's a picture of mewith a ranch mustache.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Yeah, it's a picture.
The backdrop is a Top ShelfStories banner.
It's wild.
You got to look on the internetfor it.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
So after like three days of eating and drinking that
stuff, my wife gets fuckingsick and she's shitting blood
out of her ass.
She probably doesn't want me tosay that, but she was bad, she,
she.
I don't know if she drank someof the water when she was
brushing her teeth.
What the fuck happened?
She was sick, she was.
She couldn't get out of theroom.
She wouldn't even go come outof the room.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
So you have you guys stop you, I'm sure uh, yeah,
well, that's why I feel likethere's free liquor.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
That's why I'm getting to another story.
Do you ever, guys, ever, seethe movie?
Uh, um, probably not.
Heartbreak, kid uh with uh benstiller no, okay, in that story
he's on a honeymoon with hiswife.
His wife gets sunburned reallybad.
She does the same thing my wifedoes.
She does not come out of herroom because she's so sick, and
that he well, I didn't do whathe did in the movie because he
(16:18):
met another girl and fell inlove with her and divorced his
wife and the honeymoon yikes,yeah, it was pretty bad.
I didn't do that, okay, but Idid other things because I was
drinking and you know, I meanthey have events on an
all-inclusive place all night,all day, everywhere you look
things, you can do people, youcan meet fucking pool,
(16:38):
volleyball, uh, soccer on thebeach right next to the
beautiful ocean.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
There's nothing that makes you feel worse as a person
than coming back from the bestday of your life and being like
oh, has your asshole stoppedbleeding yet Do you want me to
order up some more ice chips andsaltine crackers?
Is there anything I can do likehammered?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
falling into the walls, still peeing pants
unzipped as he comes out,pissing in the closet going.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Is there anything I can do for you?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
She's just trying to watch key and peel on the
fucking pay-per-view All right.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
So one night where that story was kind of almost
accurate.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Dude, I've been there for sure.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
You know, I was drinking all day.
I think she came out to thepool and she got some food, but
she went back to the room rightafter and I just kind of wanted
to stay out, so I just stayed atthe pool bar.
They have a couple of them,they have a bar, they had bars
everywhere.
And then I start like talkingto this, these, um, these
Italian dudes and chicks, andthey didn't work.
(17:54):
They worked at a differentresort I don't know what it was,
I forget what the situation was, but I was getting them drinks.
They couldn't go up there andget them, so I was literally
coming back with 12 drinks inother words, they weren't
supposed to be there.
Yeah, basically can't have thewristband and if, for some
reason, my you know my level ofdrunkness I, for some reason I
(18:16):
can understand differentlanguages.
So they were talking to eachother in their own language and
I was like they're fuckingtalking shit about me.
When I'm, you know, conversingwith one of the other dudes, I
can hear them talking, lookingat me with side eye, laughing.
I'm like those fuckers aresaying something about me.
So I get into one of their, oneof their faces and I'd say I
(18:37):
understand it.
I understand spanish anditalian.
You're talking shit about me.
What the fuck are you saying?
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I understand what you're saying.
What the fuck are you saying?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
I'm like I know you're saying, but what the fuck
did you say?
What are you saying?
But I know you're sayingsomething and they're just
laughing at me and whatever.
So it makes me even more mad.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
So I find the you should have just dosed their
drinks with something.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
You're like so I spit in this girl's face.
So so I've.
I met these, this other coupleearlier that day.
It was uh, oh my god, my wifeis texting me.
That was creepy.
Um, I met this, uh, this othercouple, um, during the day, and
then I went over to them.
I was like dude, they'retalking shit about me and
(19:25):
they're talking shit about you.
What the fuck are we going todo?
We're American, they're not,and we're in their country.
They're Italian.
I think they were, maybe theyweren't Italian, I don't fucking
know.
They didn't look Mexican,that's all I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
But they talk a different language a different
language.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
You're like some fucking olive skin piece of shit
you understood them Speaking intheir native language.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Of course they were Mexican.
You can cut it.
They were at the all-inclusiveresort with no wristband.
They walked there, bro.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Whatever, they weren't Italian, they looked
white and they were tall.
So I was like dude, we shoulddo something To you In this
situation.
I'm as tall as everybody at theplace.
Everyone is my height.
I'm not that short in Mexico,okay.
(20:15):
So I tell this dude, I'm like,hey, let's go fucking do
something about this.
I can't just let this shithappen.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
He's like's like dude , you kind of can't just let it
happen.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
He's like dude.
All right man.
He came over with me to him and, uh, he's like dude.
What the fuck did?
I say I don't?
Did he walk back to his chairand sat down?
Yeah, and then I startedgetting into more of a of a
bustle with them and I'm pushingthem and shit they're pushing
back, like we started likegetting at it a little bit and
(20:47):
then security came, broke us up.
I went back to my room and Istart like punching the walls
and yelling and then the fuckingmexican police came to my door
and were telling me that I needto calm down, quiet down, or
they're going to arrest me.
I said, hey, I just turned mytv up really loud.
(21:08):
It's not me and I don't knowwho's pounding over here.
It's not me and like we knowyou know, tracy's like I fell
down the stairs.
This isn't for him I don't evenknow what tracy was thinking
because I was probably, you knowTracy's like.
I fell down the stairs.
This isn't for him.
I don't even know what Tracywas thinking because I was
probably terribly drunk, pissedoff yelling at.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
She doesn't even know what the hell I was yelling at.
I don't even know what I wasyelling at.
You were probably yelling inSpanish or Italian Spanglish.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
So I didn't know what was going on there, but that
night was bad.
So I didn't know what was goingon there, but that night was
bad.
There might've been a couplemore things that happened
between me and the Italians that, uh, I don't really want to
talk about in the podcast.
Did you get raped?
Oh man, you got it Got raped inthe pool Got a bug bite Sounds
hot.
So that was another bad thingthat happened and again, that
(21:55):
was my, my cause.
I caused that, I didn't causethe airplane disaster and I
didn't cause the hotel to beripped out.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, I can't believe they, but that one I did so.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Then, four days into our seven-day excursion, I'm
playing soccer on the beach.
Is the wife recovered?
She's recovered now and we'redoing stuff together.
So I have what do you call this?
A barrier between me and mydumbness, so she can stop me
from being idiotic, okay, so I'mplaying soccer on on the beach,
(22:27):
okay, and I'm starting to getsounds like the exact opposite
that I would be doing on myvacation it was.
I like soccer and it was.
It was just, I don't know, Iwas drunk and wanted to play a
sport, so I got everybody out ofthe.
I just try to get as manypeople as I could to play a you
know a big game like 12 on 12.
It was fucking nuts.
(22:48):
So I was getting everybody inthe pool, like pulling people
out of the pool Like I wasdrinking, so I didn't care.
So I got probably 20 people toplay soccer.
We were playing for probablyabout 30 minutes in and then we
started getting more aggressive,like really, I mean, it's two
to one, this is the end, this isthe champion, this is for the
(23:09):
cup.
So I'm playing a little bitharder and I knock one of the
guys down that has the ball,that's driving to get a goal.
I knock him down, he breaks hisarm and they have to leave
Mexico.
Oh God.
I saw them the next day, I knewhe got hurt.
I didn't know how bad he gothurt, but I saw him the next day
(23:30):
and he had like a cast on andhe had like that little rope
thing that you tie around yourneck to keep his arm from A
sling for the people at home,the rope thing.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
I was going to let him go with it for a little bit.
You got to let him go.
Tony, you understand janglish,janglish, jay-isms, what do we
call?
Speaker 3 (23:53):
them.
No, yeah, no, I get it, I getit.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I should have let that roll you gotta let him roll
, all right now.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
I won't forget that next time I explain the story.
It was a sling, so you got thekid in the sling and I was like
are you right, dude?
Actually I didn't say anythingto him, just handed him a get
wall card and went about your.
I just looked at him reallyquickly and walked away.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
But I'm like Tracy, you want to play soccer today.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
You ready for more soccer Round two?
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Skins.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Skins are better than shirts fucker Told you.
So that was another badexperience.
I felt bad, but I mean, youknow, you came in the game, you
knowing what's going to happen.
We're all fucking.
You signed the waiver.
Yeah, you signed some waiver.
He shouldn't have tried toscore a goal.
Yeah, I know it was close, itwas one to two.
I'm not losing, especially inMexico.
(24:44):
Got to represent Americans, soturbulence no check-in.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
fight with the Italian-Mexican Americans Broken
arm.
Broke the guy's arm Wife'sfeeling better finally.
You have not stopped drinking.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
And then the trip starts to round out.
We basically just did all theexcursions and kind of had fun
the rest of the couple days thatwe were left.
I mean, I went out into theocean 30 feet deep and I wasn't
like I'm afraid of water, Ican't see, and this shit is so
clear that it didn't bother me.
(25:26):
Like you go out there, youcould see everything.
But as I was going back I was,you know, pedaling backwards
with my scuba gear because Ididn't know if someone would
come from behind me and attackme when I'm trying to get back
on shore.
I ain't gonna let that happen.
So I was paddling backwardswhile looking underwater as I'm
going back.
We were fucking far out there.
It was freaky, but it was coolat the same time.
(25:49):
We did that and I think thatwas about it.
I didn't have too much more badexperiences that I caused or
happened to us.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
So the flight, the bus ride and the flight home
were all.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Yeah, that was all normal.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
I don't remember anything that doesn't sound like
that bad of a trip.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Jay, maybe if.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
You're lucky she came home with you, though I'll say
that, after all that bullshit,she was probably playing sick
because she just wanted to getmassages.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
No, she needed a break.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
We got the massage thing.
That's stupid.
That was another dumb thing,but I told that story on another
one, so I don't really want totalk about it every Tuesday oh
when you got super lubed, yeah,by the sticky lube.
We went into the salon.
What do you call it?
Spa?
Jesus Christ, there's an S inthere somewhere the spa.
(26:41):
We got massages.
I had to get a fucking guy.
She might have got a guy, Idon't know.
Of course she did and, like Isaid in our massage story before
, this guy's not even massagingme.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
I'm feeling all your tension in my nipples.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
I got a lot of tension in my upper thighs.
He just kept squirting me withfucking lotion or lube or
whatever the fuck they use.
It did not even rub me barely.
All I hear is just Dude.
That's enough.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Stop.
He is just standing on themassage table squeezing a bottle
of lube between his thighs.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
We talked about this story already.
Again a massage, uh, but yeah, Iwould say like a quick trip
glazed donut when you were doneto round this off we had, we
went to mexico one more timebecause my my sister, got
married there.
I did not want to go.
She got sick again.
So now I know for a fact we'llnever be there again and she
doesn't want to go there everagain.
(27:37):
So I don't want to go thereever again, so I don't have to
worry about ever.
I mean, next time we're goingsomewhere it's going to be
fucking hawaii or you knowsomewhere, not there, okay?
Speaker 3 (27:50):
mexico just seems like a giant shithole, uh, if
you go out of the resort.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Yeah, it, fucking it fucking is I've been to Third
World Mexico, and I liked it.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
Of course I liked the shit out of it.
You're like I went there withnothing but a backpack.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Pretty much.
I had money, though, so I had acorporate card.
Well, thanks for telling usyour story.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
No problem.
So if you like our podcast,remember no.
Seriously, though, Give us somestars, Give us a rating and
review.
Do it on whatever you listen toon Apple, on Spotify.
It helps us out.
I give ourselves our ownratings.
Those are the only ratings wegot so far.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
There you go Go on the interwebs Tell us about your
honeymoon.
Shut up, Tony.
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