June 17, 2025 • 46 mins
Tony shares his harrowing experience flying back from Orlando with his 11-year-old son who has severe flight anxiety and his fearless 4-year-old who enjoyed tormenting his brother.
• Tony's family vacation to Orlando included theme parks, Legoland, Disney, and daily trips to Universal CityWalk
• The flight to Florida experienced one bad drop that triggered his son Chase's severe flight anxiety
• Chase spent the entire week asking about turbulence and the safety of their return flight
• A major storm delayed their return flight and created scary visuals at the airport with palm trees bending and tornado warnings
• The return flight experienced constant turbulence, causing Chase to have multiple panic attacks
• The situation reached its peak when Chase vomited, and the bag spilled all over Tony, Chase, and the floor
• Flight attendant provided rubber gloves, napkins, and a garbage bag for Tony to clean up the mess himself
• Despite the traumatic flight experience, the family has another flight planned for later in the summer
• Tony contrasts his sons' personalities - his anxious 11-year-old versus his "absolute savage" 4-year-old who enjoys tormenting his brother
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever had to fly with somebody who has
crippling anxiety?
Well, I did, and here's whathappened on this week's episode
of Top Shelf.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Stories.
Thank you for joining us onFlight 186 coming out of Orlando
.
We'll be landing into Milwaukee, where the weather is 56
degrees, partly sunny.
I do want to let you know thatif you throw up on the floor
we're going to make you cleanthat shit up.
Thanks for flying again andenjoying your trip here on
Southwest Airlines Top ShelfStories with Jay, chris and Tony
(00:34):
that's what I think about whenI hear that now all right, so
(01:04):
fellas, how's it going?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
I heard you were on an airplane Tony.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
So yeah, I decided because I got an 11-year-old and
a 4-year-old that we were goingto go on spring break to
Orlando, Florida.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Oh, yeah, you know.
Go to the middle of the state.
Why don't you?
Well?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
it's a state I very much so dislike to begin with.
So, but when you have afour-year-old, I mean, what the
fuck else are you going to dowith them?
There's nothing to do with afour-year-old.
There's nowhere to go that'sfun for a four-year-old except
Disney, universal or Legoland.
The woods man, the woodsActually my four-year-old would
(01:47):
be down with that, my 11 yearold and not so much.
What is the woods go to?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
the woods.
Oh, go to the actual woods.
Yeah, it was like a store.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Go up north, get a, rent a bike with a trailer on
the back of it and pedal yourkids through the woods okay,
well, mean, that sounds like agood name for a store.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So okay.
So I could have done that, butI opted to go to Florida.
Cool, sounds good to me.
I would have done the same.
We took the flight down thereand I'm going to preface this by
saying A three-stop flight onSpirit Airlines, yeah right.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Tony's rich man.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
He's got coach no actually, Actually no, you do
coach and your kids go in theback.
I run my whole business throughSouthwest Credit Card.
Yeah, so we fly for free.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Yeah, everywhere.
That's pretty nice.
That's pretty nice.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Southwest is a pretty good operation.
I could literally go get on anairplane right now.
Let's do it and not have it.
Well, no, no, you got to paythe tax.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
you got to pay like four dollars I didn't have to
pay tax on my dad.
Four dollars, I'm done.
I don't.
Maybe I did yeah.
Yeah, it was like four or fivedollars.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
So anyway, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna start the story bytelling you I have a
four-year-old and I have an11-year-old.
They have very differentpersonalities.
My four-year-old is is anabsolute savage.
Nothing affects him, uh.
The only time he cries is toget his brother in trouble
(03:10):
because, he's.
He's just mere weeks away fromable being able to just beat the
shit out of him hanging fromchandeliers doing a fucking yeah
, suplex, drop on him he's.
He's an absolute savage of achild and, like I tell everybody
, if he was our first child, hewould be our only child we
(03:30):
wouldn't even entertain the ideaof having another child.
It would just be pearlnecklaces from here to the end
of pearl necklace that's whathappened with my third child.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
I'm like there's no fucking way I'm having another
child because he's insane Ithought this was going a
completely different route I'mlike, damn, you're giving your
four-year-old pearl necklaces.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
What the fuck you gotta watch where you interject
into the conversation, bro.
Bro.
So we're on this flight andit's a two-hour flight.
We get an hour and I don't know30 minutes in.
(04:11):
Pilot comes on and he goes.
Okay, everybody, we're gonna berunning into some rough skies
they're always so calm on thatthing.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for joining us on ourflight number 186 out into
Orlando.
I do want to let you know we'regoing to be running into a
little bit of turbulation as wego along our route here, flying
at a sultry 32,000 feet.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
All right, sorry, it was very similar to that.
So back to my kid, real quick.
My 11 year old is a verysensitive kid, who who has
anxiety about just abouteverything he shouldn't he is.
He is by nature a worrier,worry, worrier, worrier.
(05:05):
He worries, he worries abouteverything.
Yeah, uh, doesn't matter whatit is.
Um, if it's a test at school,he's freaking out about it for
days.
It really it does not matter.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
So he gets that from your, what your wife right.
I don't know who he gets itfrom because you don't seem like
a.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
My mom said I was like that and I still kind of am
like that a little bit.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
No, fucking way, dude , you'd have like a bomb could
explode in a house that you'rejust working on and you'd be
like sorry, we'll get there nextweek or something.
You are so calm when it comesto something bad happening Like
I'm comfortably calm.
Well, yeah, I can be.
But also I do get anxiety aboutlike I mean, you just told me
(05:48):
someone shit and pissed in yourhouse and you're like, yeah,
they pissed on my great.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
It was like a very common story for you like, just
say it, yeah actually makes mefeel good about telling it and
actually maybe when it happened,I'm like this is going to be a
great story for my god years butuh.
So the 11 year old looks at meand he goes what does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
what?
Speaker 1 (06:07):
does he mean?
And I said well, it's somethingcalled turbulence.
This kid's been on a plane 20times.
We've never encounteredanything like this one one no,
no turbulence anytime he's everbeen on a plane.
Uh, I've been in some reallybad turbulence going to las
(06:30):
vegas with me and michelle, butnever, never with the kids have
they experienced any turbulencemy mom used to be a uh flight
attendant and she said you can'tdie from turbulence.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
That's the only way that keeps me alive, because I
feel like fainting when I'm inturbulence.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yes, I'm a bitch too so the first, the first bump we
hit, the first bit of turbulence, is a substantial drop straight
down.
Oh, that would be terriblewhere, where, like your stomach,
goes up into your throat, yeahhay roller coasters and and I
(07:09):
kind of I immediately know I getget this like smile on my face.
My wife's looking at me likewhat the fuck are you smiling
about?
She's terrified.
I'm like I know that this isthe last time chase is ever
gonna willingly fly.
Oh yeah, that's right.
I was thinking about like thisis this?
(07:29):
Is it like me crying?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
we felt that one thing one time one time that
caused no actual and it's gonnabe, it's gonna be the end of the
world.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
So now he's freaking out.
You say it was return or readon the way there, on the way
there, yeah.
So, man, we had about 15minutes left of our flight and
it gets a little bumpy.
It wasn't anything crazy, butthere were a couple of them that
you know were a little bit like.
This is pretty fucked up, likehow is this plane still in the
(08:01):
air?
My god, no way that bad.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Yeah, it was, it was all right, well, luggage it was
luggage falling out of thecompartments above you, then it
wasn't that bad no oxygen maskseven fell.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
We didn't have to use the bottom of our seats as a
flotation device be careful, becareful, reminders, you open up
those overhead compartments theflight attendants are straight
up fucking G's they're stillwheeling beverage carts they're
fucking handing out pretzels.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
They're pouring drinks as it's fucking dropping,
and my four year old why arethe flight attendants, no matter
how old, even of the oppositesex are?
Are they the same sex?
Are they all so attractive?
Why is that just?
Speaker 1 (08:50):
me they're hired based on looks Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
I just wanted to make sure.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
But they always mix one real frumpy one in, just so
they could be like see, we don'thire on looks.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Is this one Gladys?
Yeah, hire Gladys as well.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Yeah, get Gladys in there.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
There, she's the one who can do the announcement
we're gonna put.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
We're gonna put the hot ones in the aisle showing
you how to buckle I guess Idon't fly that much because I
haven't really noticed theattractiveness of now.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
You'll never stop thinking about it.
But uh, so we land and it.
It's an epic landing.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
It's the smoothest landing I've ever been a part of
so, after a little bit ofroughness, it was and and the
flight attendant gets on thething and she goes how about
that landing guys?
Speaker 1 (09:39):
wow, was that smooth.
And I I was like it was smooth.
And everybody starts clappingand cheering.
Oh the clap.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
They always do that.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
You know it's dramatic.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
I've never been on a clapping plane before.
You've never been on a clappingplane no never.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
What are you flying from?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I don't know Spirit air.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Nobody claps on a spirit air I'm the same way.
I fly on a gypsy air, gypsy air, but uh, everybody's shaking
the pilot's hand on the way offcome on, it's fucking ridiculous
this guy is fucking the guy wholanded in the in the hudson
what is his name?
Speaker 3 (10:18):
he flew upside down.
Is this denzel washington?
Speaker 1 (10:21):
everybody.
Everybody's walking by him.
He's tipping his hat ateverybody.
It's like a big fucking thing,right?
so like he okay, yeah, it's, andthere's a little bit of rain in
florida when we land.
So now chase has thiscorrelated that every time it
rains there's going to be majorturbulence, right?
So we were there for seven daysand every 15 minutes of awake
(10:48):
time I would get asked do youthink there's going to be
turbulence on the ride?
Okay, I'll wake, I'll get youknow.
So I told him.
I said, look, man, I mean, ashe said.
I said right now you'reworrying about nothing.
We got here safe, everything'sgood, you have nothing to worry
about.
I said these planes and I don'tknow if my estimation's right,
(11:13):
but I said these planes are $30or $40 million and they're owned
by a company called Southwest.
And they put two pilots on themthat are both super capable of
flying the plane, and they putall their flight attendants and
I said then 250 peoplepassengers.
I said do you think Southwestwould even consider flying their
(11:38):
planes with us on them if itwasn't completely safe?
I said do you think they wouldintentionally put you in harm's?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
way did you give them the old?
Flying is way more safe thandriving of course.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
But I'm like, do you think southwest would really put
you know by the time all thelawsuits would be done?
Hundreds and hundreds andhundreds of millions of dollars
at risk by flying on safeintentionally I said if, if we
were ever on a plane that wasgoing to go down if that's
(12:17):
because god decided it was ourtime and there would be nothing
we could do about it.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Anyway, he's like I got.
Don't worry, son, I haveparachutes packed, he can jump
out the bus.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
So he would.
He would go, okay, okay.
And then 15 minutes ago by islike give me the odds.
What do you think the odds ofus having turbulence are?
So it was seven days of this.
We're we're at disneyland orDisney World, I don't know what
the fuck it is.
We're at Disney, somethingHappiest place on the planet.
(12:49):
And my kid's asking me what ifone of the pilots passes out?
I'm like I already told youthere's a second pilot.
I was thinking the same thing.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
What happens.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
If there's a turbulence, jerk and they both
hit their head, then whathappens?
Speaker 3 (13:05):
They hit their heads against each other.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
And now I'm lying and I'm like the flight attendants
are technically all pilots.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
They have a backup pilot in the back.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
You just don't know who he is.
I'm like you know that firstoverhead cubby that you can't
use.
It's a pilot robot.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Well, did you tell him they basically do fly
themselves like?
Completely and then he's askingthey don't land themselves,
though did you tell him?
How do you think the pilot knewthat there was going to be
turbulence if they didn't knowall about how to handle
turbulence?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
bro, and then at school earlier in the year they
learned about september 11th.
Oh god and he goes what happensif there's terrorists on our
plane?
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I said terrorists, don't go to florida did you tell
him about the movie snakes on aplane with samuel l jackson?
Speaker 1 (14:01):
like you, think terrorists are bad.
There's a motherfucking snakeon this motherfucking plane, so
we had to deal with that forseven days.
And he's asking us to check theweather to see if there's going
to be turbulence from the timewe land.
So I told him look, I said Isaid this vacation.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
It doesn't have anything to do with rain either.
It's clouds, I know.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I'm like, bro, this vacation it doesn't have
anything to do with rain either,it's clouds.
I know I'm like, bro, thisvacation is costing me like half
of a car.
Like this is so fuckingexpensive, right.
Every day we're here is likeeighteen hundred dollars.
Right, I'm like we're notruining this fucking vacation.
I said we will look at theweather the night before, and
(14:47):
the night before only.
So stop asking.
So, of course, I'm like low key, checking the weather on my
phone.
And it's beautiful weather.
All seven days were there.
Big storm coming in the day.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
And.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I'm like all right, well, I'm going to check it
again in two days.
I'm going to see if this isclearing up, if this is going to
pass.
So sure enough it's not.
So we're due to fly out.
Yesterday at like 1 in theafternoon and at 8 o'clock in
the morning, when it's 85 andsunny, I get a fucking phone
(15:27):
call.
Southwest Automated Line.
Your flight has been what'sthat called?
Delayed, delayed.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Due to weather, coming out of Houston.
Due to weather to 3 o'clock.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
That's crazy.
It's fine.
So we decide to go out forlunch.
So now we're not going to be inthis big mad rush to get to the
airport All right.
So we're going to go get lunch.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
What did you tell your kid that you're not?
He knows the time of the flight.
Yeah, I told him it got delayed, but usually why?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
We told him that there's a storm coming and
they're waiting until thestorm's over for us to fly no.
Dude, we're fucking outside.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Like he's not going to see the storm Like.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
look at all these Hollywood raindrops.
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Yeah, tell him it's just a, you know, it's a Cyprus
cloud, yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
So we're having lunch , we're sitting in a lovely
place nice franchise place,called Joe's Crab Shack, crab
Lace, and we're sitting therewatching palm trees folding in
half.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Palm tree leaves ejecting off of the trees and
fucking smashing into stuff inparking lots.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
That's awesome, dude this is great, this is epic big
metal, big metal a-frame.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Sign out in front of joel's crab shack say come on in
for our lunch special hoppingin the wind goes flying across
the park.
Come on, michelle's phonestarts dinging.
Then my phone starts dingingand I look at it and chase is
going was it safe?
Was it safe?
And we tell him oh, it's just atext message from papa, your
(17:15):
grandpa.
Now you lie and we look at it.
You lie to him and it's afucking, fucking tornado warning
.
We're like tornado warning,fuck my.
My kid was uh, we had a tornadogo through his school's parking
lot last year.
Oh so tornadoes, you know.
(17:37):
They were in their tornadodrill all the whole school down
in the basement and it rippedthrough the parking lot.
So he has a crippling fear oftornado.
So now we can't tell himthere's a tornado, even though
it's fucking blatantly obvious.
It's picking smart cars upoutside.
Fucking people can't even beoutside.
(17:58):
People are walking fucking 45miles an hour because the wind's
pushing so it's the same yearhe was.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
He was taught 9-11.
He had a tornado hit his schooland then you take a flight in
tornado.
Hurricane season, yeah,hurricane season?
Speaker 1 (18:15):
yeah, that's right, that's right.
No, it's in, it's like august,september.
Oh, it's okay, whatever, itdoesn't matter.
But uh, no, you're right.
You are right.
So we're, we're killing time wego to the airport.
We're by now.
Our flight's been delayed nowtill like 7 30 at night jesus
and when did we?
Speaker 3 (18:35):
when did uh that we send you that message?
Because you were like uh, we'relike are we doing the podcast
tomorrow?
And tony's like uh depends onthe weather.
What was that?
What was it?
Was it?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
yeah, I'm sitting in the airport watching no flights
taking off, watching watchingthe board where all these flight
times are changing to delayed.
Then they canceled.
Oh my god, I'm watching.
I'm watching this fuckingbrutal thunder and lightning
(19:05):
storm rush through the airportand I'm like fuck so it's
starting to sound a lot like youare the one with the high
anxiety because I know, I knowwhat this is going to be with
this kid man.
I just know Like he's not goingto let it go.
(19:27):
He's not going to just go onthere and go to sleep.
It's not going to be any ofthat.
So you just give us someBenadryl.
They're ready to board us.
Now it's 8 o'clock at night andand the lady comes up and you
know it's Southwest, so you gotto line up at your podium at
(19:49):
your boarding number and shegoes.
You know.
She says, like this is a fullflight, we have 49 kids on this
flight.
Family boarding does not get toline up until I say so.
I want only my A group boardingto line up.
(20:11):
I want wheelchairs over here.
I want you guys to geteverything in the bins.
Make sure everything's good andpacked in tight.
It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Oh my god.
I want to say something about.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I'd be terrified so the flight, the flight captain
jack at the flight, the flightcaptain Jack at the front of the
plane can talk very smoothlyover the speaker.
Make sure everybody's calm Inthose terminals.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
they're like if you're in line for flight 32,
we're waiting for.
Jamie, jamie, the.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Room is closing.
Buddy, let's go.
They're the worst.
Get in line.
Get in line, get ready to geton the fucking plane.
Those are the flight attendantswho couldn't make it those are
the ones that have to stay backand yell at people so scary.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Before you get on the plane so my four-year-old knows
that he can't physically takehis brother yet, but he's very
smart.
What do you mean?
He knows Fight him, take him.
He knows that if he tries tofight the 11-year-old he's going
to get fucked up.
For now it's not going to lastlong, trust me.
(21:23):
Yeah, but the four-year-old hasfigured out how to mentally
destroy my 11-year-old.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Oh man, you see that weather out there bro.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Hey, you see that wind, it's fucking here he's
going, chase.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I love flying in storms.
It's so fun when it's bumpy.
Shut up, shut up man, we'retrying to change the subject and
we're like so what was yourfavorite part of the vacation?
and my four-year-old looks andchases eyes and he goes the
(22:00):
plane ride looking right intothe 11 year old's eyes so we get
on the plane and and it's nightnow too, which is kind of more
spooky yeah, it's pitch blackand we get on the plane and they
announce that um, beverageservice is going to be a little
(22:24):
later than normal, blah, blah,blah.
He's like we got to get throughthe rough skies before we can
damn.
Oh the, the lady at the gatesaid and I'm gonna give
everybody an extra five minutesright now.
If you got to use the bathroom,go do it now, because that fast
(22:45):
and seat belt sign is going tobe on for most of the flight due
to all the turbulence.
And I'm like Over theloudspeaker.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Oh, because of the turbulence.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
I'm like this bitch here, this motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Hi everybody, just wanted to let you know if you're
boarding us to Milwaukee.
You're going to have a fun ride, so you better use the bathroom
before, because it's going tobe a bumpy one.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
So we get on the plane?
Was the kid crying, Dude?
He?
Speaker 1 (23:09):
wasn't crying yet You're just looking at him.
He was Devastating.
He just kept like calmly askinghe's like we're going to be
okay.
Right, we're going to be okay.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
I'm like, of course we're going to be okay.
Did you kind of feel bad, Dude?
I felt terrible.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Yeah, feel bad for my kid I don't want him to be
scared.
I don't know.
I'm sick dude.
I get some kind of joy out ofthis fucking false fears my kids
having.
If they're totally false fears,I kind of like.
I'm like you're.
You're four-year-old, I'm like.
My favorite part was the planeride, but I don't.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
It's crazy, chris, you're mental.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
No, if it's a real fear, but if it's false fear,
that's a real fear, but if it'sfalse fear, I can't that is a
real fear.
No, it's not, it's false fear.
Both kids Fear of flying.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
False fear, both kids , I mean.
Every fear is a false fear, ifyou think about it that way,
fear of getting bit by arattlesnake when you're hiking
through the woods.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Real fear, because there's actually rattlesnakes
that will bite you.
Fear is fear, fear itself.
No, turbulence doesn't takedown a plane.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
No, I know, that's what I just said.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Okay, okay, okay, sorry.
Both kids opt to sit with mebecause Chase knows that his mom
is also nervous about theturbulence.
So now we got her sitting byherself.
Three to an aisle.
I got both kids Three to a side.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Three to a side.
Jam them up into the window sothey can't sneak out who got the
window.
The four-year-old.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
He wanted it.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Oh, I always wanted it.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Because he wanted to keep the window open to make the
11-year-old more nervous.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Sure hey look at all the way, look at how miserable
it is out there that guythrowing our bags in there.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Hey, chase there's something on the wing, some
thing, so we start flying.
Chase is like it's gonna beokay.
Right, are you near the back ofthe plane or the front?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
yeah, because the back is where it wobbles the
most, I think that's.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
That's what the flight attendant told me later.
Really, yeah, because it's like.
She's like, if you're afraid ofturbulence, never sit you
should say this by the wings.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
I never knew that.
I think this is where you wantto be, but but mostly so, the
wings is the best place to bewhen?
Because the back.
If you look at a plane man, theback is just hanging off.
It's like a teeter-totter.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Yeah, it's just hanging off so, uh, we start
going through some.
There was nothing.
There was nothing major andnothing terrible, but it was
constant for the whole flight.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
So it was like basically driving on a bumpy
road.
Yep, so there wasn't really anydrops?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
A couple little ones, nothing like the one on the way
there.
That's what scares me is thedrops, a couple little ones,
nothing like that's the one onthe way there.
Scares me is the drops.
So my kid, my kid, is goingthrough full-blown panic attacks
through the entire flight.
So he's forgetting how tobreathe.
He keeps telling me he's gonnatry to go to sleep and then he
turns his tablet off, takes hisheadphones off and then
(26:06):
immediately puts them back on,and then turns his tablet back
on and then turns it off, Likehe's fucking panicking so hard
he doesn't know what to do.
See that I feel bad.
I'm sitting there.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Because I was riven.
I would have been riven on thekid going like you want to get
the last drink of water.
It might be your last.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
I'm sitting there trying to calm them down, man.
It's like, what do you do?
It's breaking my heart thewhole fucking time.
I would feel terrible.
And there's there's noconsoling them and it's like
we're just sitting there and I'mlike, okay, buddy, slow, deep
breaths in your mouth, releaseout your nose.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
I don't know if that's the right thing to tell
them, but it sounded it soundedlike what a yoga instructor at
this point, even thefour-year-old's like all right,
I'm done, I win.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
No, I'm done so the four-year-old fell asleep long
before the plane even took off.
Oh my god, he slept until wewere at our guys.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
You guys are waiting, like what, 20 minutes before
you can actually take off.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
You guys, it was like it was like a half hour of
taxiing around the runway, andthat's some of the worst.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
And he's like when are we going up?
When are we going up?
Oh, I felt a bump.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I felt a bump and I'm like we're on the road.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
We're not in the air yet.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Chase.
So then, shit, an hour and 20,because Michelle has on
Southwest, you can track whereyou are in the flight.
Yeah, sure, so we're an hour in.
We have an hour 20 left to go.
It's still bumpy.
Yeah, it was bumpy from fuckingtakeoff to landing the storm
(27:38):
was through states.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
It was probably a whole thing coming across the
country and you flew rightthrough it.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
Yeah you guys were following the storm as it was
going east.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
The pilots like just stay in it, just stay in it,
just stay in it.
But we could get out of itright here.
No, just stay in it.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
This is fun.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
So he is.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
See that red light right there, cindy, that's the
hazard light.
When that's on, I get paiddouble.
We're staying where we are.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
So our frumpy flight attendant Gladys, yeah, late,
60s, short, robust.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Gym teacher Gym teacher fit, do you need?
Speaker 3 (28:19):
any drugs for your kid.
I got some.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
So when they come around for beverages I always
order a can.
Did you get a shot?
I specifically say I want a canof Sprite.
It's 50-50.
If always order a can, Did youget?
Specifically say, yeah, I wanta can of 50, 50.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
If they listen to you guys shot for your kid oh when
they come hand me the little cup, I say oh no.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I asked for a can.
You're shot a vodka for thiskid, and then they, they bring
you over a can.
And uh, chase asked for a water.
And now michelle bought the bigfucking seven dollar airport
water, the huge one, and chasedrank that whole thing in that
first hour he has to pee andyeah, he's getting up during the
(29:01):
turbulence I thought youcouldn't get up.
He was getting up.
He's like I gotta pee.
I'm gonna pee in my pants.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
That probably made him feel better, that he could
get up and do something at thatcountry, because you know for me
, I guess, going in thosebathrooms it's like yeah all
right, I get scared because Ihave no control.
So that's the only control hehad was getting up and going to
the back.
That's his control.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Like that made him feel better so he would get up,
go to the bathroom, come back,sit back down, and then he'd
immediately go I gotta pee again.
And so he went to the bathroomprobably four times and it felt
like six minutes sure and thepeople around us are like, oh,
poor thing, you know, every timehe gets up and goes away and
I'm like, I'm like, yeah, Idon't know what to do with them.
(29:44):
I'm like, if anybody's got anydrugs, now's the time.
Like I don't know what to doand the flight attendant.
We order, we order our cans ofbeverage and she goes what is it
which y'all order in these cans?
She goes uh, how strong youguys think I am and I'm like,
from the looks of it, prettygoddamn strong it makes strong
(30:07):
she's just like a mouthy oldfucking lady why does a?
can make you, because it's tooheavy on her tray to take the
whole can.
She likes taking the littlecups you know.
So she's like kind of I don'tknow what's, what's that term?
Brass brash?
I don't know brash brash.
She's like real lippy and notvery friendly close to
(30:32):
retirement and I'm like, I'mlike god damn it, man, pensions
coming up, so now she'srealizing like how nervous chase
is.
And now she's coming over andlike being really nice to him
and rubbing his back and whattelling you pay for that,
telling him it's gonna be okayand every flight they take has
turbulence.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
It's no big deal, he's like dad, can you get the
girl in the back to rub me?
Speaker 1 (30:58):
this one's scaring the shit out of me more than she
tells him she tells him alittle bit of turbulence is a
trade-off for getting yourdestination in two hours instead
of 20, and I'm like, thank you.
I've been telling him that forfucking ever.
All week I've been telling himthat.
So now, now we're to the pointhe's done with his back and
(31:20):
forth bathroom breaks, he chugsdown that next uh can of water
and then he looks at me and hegoes I'm gonna puke I'm like
fucking great.
I grabbed the bag out of theback of the seat, I hand it to
him and he fills the fucking bag.
It's all water three quartersup to the top oh and uh yeah I
(31:45):
grab it from him and he's like II still gotta puke.
So I grab him another bag and Ihand it to him.
And when I'm handing him thatbag, he swats and knees the full
puke bag out.
What why?
Like when I'm moving it, likeacross his body, like when he's
(32:07):
trying to grab the next one, helifts up his knee and hits the
puke bag from the bottom andthen swings his arm out and
fucking slaps it right out of myhand and the fucking whole bag
of puke pours on me, chase andthe floor.
The whole.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Hold on, let me say it again the whole fucking bag
of puke, the $9 water bag ofpuke and the Texas Roadhouse or
whatever he says you had thecrab shack seafood shots it's on
his shoe.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
It's on his pants.
His sweatshirt's covered in it.
It's in my crock.
It's on my fucking.
His sweatshirts covered in it,it's in my crock.
Speaker 3 (32:51):
It's on my fucking pants way you wearing crocs.
Yeah, dude you always havesocks on to absorb that puke.
Yeah, I did.
Well, you shouldn't be having.
I took the socks off.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
That was the only saving grace at the end and my
wife starts fucking panicking.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
Because my wife just can't stay calm about it like
she has to draw attention to itand got you some fresh clothes
out of the carry-on she's likecalling for the flight attendant
.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
She's like my son puked, it's everywhere.
So this fucking lady, why doyour kids throw?
Up this fucking lady and theyreally don't dude.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
This is the second story you've told me.
Now that's to both kids.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
The crazy thing is is they they were both reflux
babies, so for the first year oftheir life like exactly a year
they puked probably eight timesa day, jesus christ, and since
they've been one chases maybepuked probably eight times a day
, jesus Christ.
And since they've been one,chase has maybe puked five times
in the last ten years.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
My kid is eight and has thrown up twice in her
entire life, yeah, and Logan'spuked twice.
That's because you don't dealwith boys Since he's turned one.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
You don't deal with boys.
You have a girl.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, okay, it's so much easier Somehow.
Speaker 1 (34:11):
Dude it so much easier somehow.
So, dude, it's so much easier.
I'm watching all thesewell-behaved girls in the
fucking airport just standingthere patiently next to their
parents and my kid, my kid'staking the fucking velvet ropes
and dominoing all the bases downon their sides.
They're fucking hanging oneverything.
What's wrong with?
Speaker 3 (34:28):
them.
Oh, don't worry, my kidstouching everybody's parents
just don't know how to parent.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Come on, I grabbed that motherfucker girls.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
I grabbed that motherfucker by his ear and drug
him back to the line and toldhim to be patient and he sat
depending on what region you'refrom Indian style or crisscross
applesauce on the floor for like10 seconds and he had a rubber
ducky in his hand and he fuckinglaunched it at another fucking
(35:04):
grown man.
Speaker 3 (35:06):
He just fucking threw it at him.
All right, tony's getting inthe fight, so anyway take him
anyway take him, sir, he's allyours, this fucking.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Now everything's covered in puke and this flight
attendant comes over and I don'tknow what the protocol is for.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Puke all over everything nothing dude, there
isn't one but the protocol was.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
She handed me two rubber gloves and a gigantic
stack of napkins and a garbagebag and said I'm gonna need you
to clean this up yeah, soundsabout right and I'm like, okay,
I got it.
Okay, like I'm gonna handle it,it's fine, it is what it is.
I'm gonna handle it.
Speaker 3 (35:46):
I'm pretty sure if she's been in the, she's been
there that long she's seen itbefore there's going to be no
moving around.
And was it like the smelly,smelly puke?
Speaker 1 (35:59):
No, it was fucking rancid.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
Oh, that's even worse .
Speaker 1 (36:04):
There were lots of half fucking dissolved chicken
tenders in it.
Oh, so bad.
No good, there were lots ofhalf fucking dissolved chicken
tenders in it.
Speaker 3 (36:12):
Oh, it was so bad, dude, no good, so bad man.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
I can right now close my eyes.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
I don't want to either.
No.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Dude, I can close my eyes and smell it.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
No, chase, you didn't eat all six of your chicken
nuggets.
I've seen it in your puke,motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
That's when I regretted saying two more bites.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
It was so bad.
And then, and then my wife istotally making it worse because
now she's like panicked about itand she's trying to console him
.
Who's now standing in the aisle?
And then she's getting on herknees for a reason.
I don't want her to get on herknees because I'm already
cleaning it up and she's tryingto help me and I'm like, sit in
(36:55):
your fucking seat, like, justsit in your seat, I will handle
this.
It's not a fucking big deal.
Now you're fighting in front of.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
I'm like sit down bitch 226 passengers.
Was all this happening duringturbulence?
Speaker 2 (37:11):
Yeah, Dude, that is the worst.
I've spilled like One tenth ofone of those Little tiny cups of
Whiskey and ginger ale on mytray and that ruined half my
flight.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
I can only imagine my paper's all wet now.
No, it looks like I peed.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
God damn it yeah, you only got this little napkin to
clean it up with.
You got no room in there.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
You're snuggled in between strangers so then, after
that he gets calmed down, he'sstill panicking.
I pull up a game on my phoneand we're playing it together
and it's keeping his mind off it.
He's totally, he's totallyfucking cool.
Now we're playing this game andthen he tells me he doesn't
want to play the game anymore,goes right back to panic attacks
(38:02):
just telling a puke again.
He's probably more nervouspuking so now we're down to
about 30 minutes left of theflight.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
Jeez, you still have turbulence.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Yeah, it was the whole way.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
I used to throw up on plane rides too, and I know how
miserable it is Even justhaving the little bag of puke
that you have to manage.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
I could not imagine.
I don't know what to do with itGet air sick or something.
Yeah, I don't know if I do withit Get air sick or something.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
Yeah, I don't know if I do still, but there was a
streak.
I was on a streak of like sixflights, seven flights in a row.
I had thrown up on.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
You warned the pilot as you're walking.
Just let you know I'm going topuke.
It's not you.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
Oh, the first thing I would do when.
I sit down is look at yeah makesure there's some eggs.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
Tell the person next to me I get nervous when I fly.
I said to throw off a little,I'll be fine.
You're asking the person funny,are you gonna use that puke bag
?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (38:54):
for real.
It got me bumped into firstclass once, but that didn't help
.
I still do.
I'm next to the other guy infirst class.
I'm gonna try that, all right,sorry it's bad dude, I can only
imagine so now the stink is thisso now?
Speaker 1 (39:08):
do it so now we got 30 minutes left.
Every 45 seconds he's askingmichelle to check her flight
tracker to see how long we goton the flight.
So he asked 65 fucking times Ifeel bad man how long are we
gonna have?
How long is it?
How long is it now?
How long is it now?
We land, he gets off, he's like, he's like it wasn't so bad.
(39:33):
He's like, oh, I'm glad that'sover.
And then.
And then I tell him I'm like Igot bad news for you visiting
grandma.
I'm like I already booked us aflight to Mexico.
I'm like we leave in two weeks.
Really, no, not at all.
Speaker 3 (39:52):
Fuck, you say, you seem good.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Now we're in the airport.
He's all good, he's over it.
We still smell like puke, butthere's nothing we can do about
that now and now I'm likefucking harassing him that I got
all these flights.
Michelle's like we drive inplaces, we're flying.
You've got to get over this soyou're telling me now that you
(40:15):
ain't flying anytime soon no, weactually are flying at the end
of summer to dc for to go visitmy wife's brother.
Speaker 3 (40:25):
Oh, so what?
Speaker 1 (40:29):
it's gonna be bad.
I don't know.
Do they make children's ambient?
Speaker 3 (40:34):
I don't know, just benadryl I said it.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Give them benadryl, give them one of the spike root
beers do?
Speaker 1 (40:40):
I think we need to just only plan red eyes so
they're so tired and I need towake them up at like four
o'clock in the morning and justrun them on a treadmill for like
six hours and then go to theairport.
I don't know, man, make themread a book, fucking.
Knock a cavanaugh right out.
This can't get through thefirst page.
(41:03):
Nothing makes us more tiredthan fucking breathing it's
because you keep reading this, Iget halfway through an ikea
instruction manual and I'm likeI need a nap damn dude yeah,
that sounds.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
I mean, besides the the flight, the trip probably
was.
I mean was how?
Speaker 1 (41:21):
the trip was magical universal was kind of cool so we
didn't actually go to universal, but we stayed in on
universal's grounds but everydid you do?
Every night we went to citywalk yeah, I've been there and
uh, uh the kids.
I don't know why, but the kidsloved city walk that like they
wanted to go there every nightreal quick it's basically
(41:44):
there's like 20 restaurants.
There's actually nightclubs upthere.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Some souvenir shops, everything a kid can do.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
Yeah, some souvenir shops.
Speaker 3 (41:52):
What do they like about it?
Speaker 1 (41:53):
There's music playing in the street.
There's cool water, fountains,lights, there's fucking weird
people to watch there's bands.
Down there you can take boatrides.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
The kids just really like that.
It's the old boardwalk, it's.
It's like a boardwalk.
Speaker 1 (42:12):
So the we did that.
We went to lego land twice, wewent to disney.
We uh stayed at our hotel andswam one of the days we went to
uh actually I think it wasprobably one of the kids
favorite things is uh, we spentlike a day and a half doing
their real big outlet mall downthere, like it's like fucking
(42:35):
five city blocks.
It sounds terribly invisible.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
It's fun.
When you have money, it's fun.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
We didn't really buy much anything like the kids got
sunglasses.
Speaker 2 (42:45):
We don't like shopping chase.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
Chase had a straight fucking blast in spencers until
he got up.
I don't know if you've been ina spencers in the last 10 years
no, I've been 10 years but uh,you know, their registers are in
the middle of the store andthey got all the funny shit up
front.
You know he's 11, so he sees ashirt that says I love tits and
he's like dude.
(43:07):
You see what that says look atthat I love big dicks, you know
it's like fucking ridiculous butthe second the second half of
the store is fucking sex toys,jesus grace.
So I'm trying to keep them awayfrom the dildos, but let them
look at the cool, like old,sublime shirts and stuff.
Speaker 3 (43:28):
I just tell them they're swords.
So you know.
Airplane blah.
This airplane to your son isnot good.
He does not like flying, not afan.
We're done as of right this butyou're not done you're gonna
make it, you're make, you'regonna make a simulator in your
house so that he gets over hisgoddamn fear could you imagine
if it was like a seven hourflight with like a layover?
Speaker 1 (43:50):
you had to stop and get back on another one yeah,
the lady behind us was tellingme that uh, like two months ago
she flew to india and that'slike a 18 hour flight or
something, and she said that theperson sitting next to her was
like the same as my son, likedevastated to be on this
(44:11):
airplane, and she's like it wasthe whole flight it was so
miserable dude yeah, my, my, uh,my mom.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
For some odd reason, she was a flight attendant for
so many years.
She's terrified of flying, butshe'll, so she'll take.
Uh, xanax, yeah, they got kids,xx, I think, if you break it in
half, it'd be fine.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
He's about half my, half my weight.
Speaker 3 (44:33):
All right, tony, that was a good story.
That was a good story and youknow, it just happened, so it
was fresh in your mind.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
Yeah, it was a lot to deal with.
Speaker 3 (44:41):
I can tell you you bring out your uh emotional.
You started to tear up a littlebit.
Speaker 1 (44:46):
Yeah, so the other, the uh other cool thing about
the trip if you're ever takingkids or whatever going someplace
and the car rental.
So we specifically rented aJeep this time.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
Jeeps are fun.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
I've done that before Renting cars too and being able
to take the top down.
So you can rent like a Mustangconvertible or something Like
the little shitty six cylinderMustang.
But they're so fucking crampedto be in with kids.
(45:25):
The Jeep's fucking perfect ifyou got like two kids and then
you can peel all the tops offand sure uh the kids fucking
loved it.
Speaker 3 (45:34):
This episode was brought to you by jeep.
Speaker 1 (45:37):
Get yourself a jeep, your kids will love you.
If you're at the outlet mall,somebody will put a rubber ducky
on what is that a jeep thing?
Speaker 3 (45:46):
that's a thing.
Close, chris.
Close this out.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
That's all you got today.
Yeah Well, that's Tony's tripon a plane.
Don't take your kids on a plane, at least not my kids.
Yeah, I agree, cleaning upthrow-up is fun.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Thanks everyone, you can hit the button.
Thanks everyone, you can hitthe button.
Thanks everyone, We'll be rightback.
Have you ever had to fly with somebody who has
crippling anxiety?
Well, I did, and here's whathappened on this week's episode
of Top Shelf.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Stories.
Thank you for joining us onFlight 186 coming out of Orlando
.
We'll be landing into Milwaukee, where the weather is 56
degrees, partly sunny.
I do want to let you know thatif you throw up on the floor
we're going to make you cleanthat shit up.
Thanks for flying again andenjoying your trip here on
Southwest Airlines Top ShelfStories with Jay, chris and Tony
(00:34):
that's what I think about whenI hear that now all right, so
(01:04):
fellas, how's it going?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
I heard you were on an airplane Tony.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
So yeah, I decided because I got an 11-year-old and
a 4-year-old that we were goingto go on spring break to
Orlando, Florida.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Oh, yeah, you know.
Go to the middle of the state.
Why don't you?
Well?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
it's a state I very much so dislike to begin with.
So, but when you have afour-year-old, I mean, what the
fuck else are you going to dowith them?
There's nothing to do with afour-year-old.
There's nowhere to go that'sfun for a four-year-old except
Disney, universal or Legoland.
The woods man, the woodsActually my four-year-old would
(01:47):
be down with that, my 11 yearold and not so much.
What is the woods go to?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
the woods.
Oh, go to the actual woods.
Yeah, it was like a store.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Go up north, get a, rent a bike with a trailer on
the back of it and pedal yourkids through the woods okay,
well, mean, that sounds like agood name for a store.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So okay.
So I could have done that, butI opted to go to Florida.
Cool, sounds good to me.
I would have done the same.
We took the flight down thereand I'm going to preface this by
saying A three-stop flight onSpirit Airlines, yeah right.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Tony's rich man.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
He's got coach no actually, Actually no, you do
coach and your kids go in theback.
I run my whole business throughSouthwest Credit Card.
Yeah, so we fly for free.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Yeah, everywhere.
That's pretty nice.
That's pretty nice.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Southwest is a pretty good operation.
I could literally go get on anairplane right now.
Let's do it and not have it.
Well, no, no, you got to paythe tax.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
you got to pay like four dollars I didn't have to
pay tax on my dad.
Four dollars, I'm done.
I don't.
Maybe I did yeah.
Yeah, it was like four or fivedollars.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
So anyway, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna start the story bytelling you I have a
four-year-old and I have an11-year-old.
They have very differentpersonalities.
My four-year-old is is anabsolute savage.
Nothing affects him, uh.
The only time he cries is toget his brother in trouble
(03:10):
because, he's.
He's just mere weeks away fromable being able to just beat the
shit out of him hanging fromchandeliers doing a fucking yeah
, suplex, drop on him he's.
He's an absolute savage of achild and, like I tell everybody
, if he was our first child, hewould be our only child we
(03:30):
wouldn't even entertain the ideaof having another child.
It would just be pearlnecklaces from here to the end
of pearl necklace that's whathappened with my third child.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
I'm like there's no fucking way I'm having another
child because he's insane Ithought this was going a
completely different route I'mlike, damn, you're giving your
four-year-old pearl necklaces.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
What the fuck you gotta watch where you interject
into the conversation, bro.
Bro.
So we're on this flight andit's a two-hour flight.
We get an hour and I don't know30 minutes in.
(04:11):
Pilot comes on and he goes.
Okay, everybody, we're gonna berunning into some rough skies
they're always so calm on thatthing.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for joining us on ourflight number 186 out into
Orlando.
I do want to let you know we'regoing to be running into a
little bit of turbulation as wego along our route here, flying
at a sultry 32,000 feet.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
All right, sorry, it was very similar to that.
So back to my kid, real quick.
My 11 year old is a verysensitive kid, who who has
anxiety about just abouteverything he shouldn't he is.
He is by nature a worrier,worry, worrier, worrier.
(05:05):
He worries, he worries abouteverything.
Yeah, uh, doesn't matter whatit is.
Um, if it's a test at school,he's freaking out about it for
days.
It really it does not matter.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
So he gets that from your, what your wife right.
I don't know who he gets itfrom because you don't seem like
a.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
My mom said I was like that and I still kind of am
like that a little bit.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
No, fucking way, dude , you'd have like a bomb could
explode in a house that you'rejust working on and you'd be
like sorry, we'll get there nextweek or something.
You are so calm when it comesto something bad happening Like
I'm comfortably calm.
Well, yeah, I can be.
But also I do get anxiety aboutlike I mean, you just told me
(05:48):
someone shit and pissed in yourhouse and you're like, yeah,
they pissed on my great.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
It was like a very common story for you like, just
say it, yeah actually makes mefeel good about telling it and
actually maybe when it happened,I'm like this is going to be a
great story for my god years butuh.
So the 11 year old looks at meand he goes what does that mean?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
what?
Speaker 1 (06:07):
does he mean?
And I said well, it's somethingcalled turbulence.
This kid's been on a plane 20times.
We've never encounteredanything like this one one no,
no turbulence anytime he's everbeen on a plane.
Uh, I've been in some reallybad turbulence going to las
(06:30):
vegas with me and michelle, butnever, never with the kids have
they experienced any turbulencemy mom used to be a uh flight
attendant and she said you can'tdie from turbulence.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
That's the only way that keeps me alive, because I
feel like fainting when I'm inturbulence.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yes, I'm a bitch too so the first, the first bump we
hit, the first bit of turbulence, is a substantial drop straight
down.
Oh, that would be terriblewhere, where, like your stomach,
goes up into your throat, yeahhay roller coasters and and I
(07:09):
kind of I immediately know I getget this like smile on my face.
My wife's looking at me likewhat the fuck are you smiling
about?
She's terrified.
I'm like I know that this isthe last time chase is ever
gonna willingly fly.
Oh yeah, that's right.
I was thinking about like thisis this?
(07:29):
Is it like me crying?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
we felt that one thing one time one time that
caused no actual and it's gonnabe, it's gonna be the end of the
world.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
So now he's freaking out.
You say it was return or readon the way there, on the way
there, yeah.
So, man, we had about 15minutes left of our flight and
it gets a little bumpy.
It wasn't anything crazy, butthere were a couple of them that
you know were a little bit like.
This is pretty fucked up, likehow is this plane still in the
(08:01):
air?
My god, no way that bad.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Yeah, it was, it was all right, well, luggage it was
luggage falling out of thecompartments above you, then it
wasn't that bad no oxygen maskseven fell.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
We didn't have to use the bottom of our seats as a
flotation device be careful, becareful, reminders, you open up
those overhead compartments theflight attendants are straight
up fucking G's they're stillwheeling beverage carts they're
fucking handing out pretzels.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
They're pouring drinks as it's fucking dropping,
and my four year old why arethe flight attendants, no matter
how old, even of the oppositesex are?
Are they the same sex?
Are they all so attractive?
Why is that just?
Speaker 1 (08:50):
me they're hired based on looks Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
I just wanted to make sure.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
But they always mix one real frumpy one in, just so
they could be like see, we don'thire on looks.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Is this one Gladys?
Yeah, hire Gladys as well.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Yeah, get Gladys in there.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
There, she's the one who can do the announcement
we're gonna put.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
We're gonna put the hot ones in the aisle showing
you how to buckle I guess Idon't fly that much because I
haven't really noticed theattractiveness of now.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
You'll never stop thinking about it.
But uh, so we land and it.
It's an epic landing.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
It's the smoothest landing I've ever been a part of
so, after a little bit ofroughness, it was and and the
flight attendant gets on thething and she goes how about
that landing guys?
Speaker 1 (09:39):
wow, was that smooth.
And I I was like it was smooth.
And everybody starts clappingand cheering.
Oh the clap.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
They always do that.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
You know it's dramatic.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
I've never been on a clapping plane before.
You've never been on a clappingplane no never.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
What are you flying from?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I don't know Spirit air.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Nobody claps on a spirit air I'm the same way.
I fly on a gypsy air, gypsy air, but uh, everybody's shaking
the pilot's hand on the way offcome on, it's fucking ridiculous
this guy is fucking the guy wholanded in the in the hudson
what is his name?
Speaker 3 (10:18):
he flew upside down.
Is this denzel washington?
Speaker 1 (10:21):
everybody.
Everybody's walking by him.
He's tipping his hat ateverybody.
It's like a big fucking thing,right?
so like he okay, yeah, it's, andthere's a little bit of rain in
florida when we land.
So now chase has thiscorrelated that every time it
rains there's going to be majorturbulence, right?
So we were there for seven daysand every 15 minutes of awake
(10:48):
time I would get asked do youthink there's going to be
turbulence on the ride?
Okay, I'll wake, I'll get youknow.
So I told him.
I said, look, man, I mean, ashe said.
I said right now you'reworrying about nothing.
We got here safe, everything'sgood, you have nothing to worry
about.
I said these planes and I don'tknow if my estimation's right,
(11:13):
but I said these planes are $30or $40 million and they're owned
by a company called Southwest.
And they put two pilots on themthat are both super capable of
flying the plane, and they putall their flight attendants and
I said then 250 peoplepassengers.
I said do you think Southwestwould even consider flying their
(11:38):
planes with us on them if itwasn't completely safe?
I said do you think they wouldintentionally put you in harm's?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
way did you give them the old?
Flying is way more safe thandriving of course.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
But I'm like, do you think southwest would really put
you know by the time all thelawsuits would be done?
Hundreds and hundreds andhundreds of millions of dollars
at risk by flying on safeintentionally I said if, if we
were ever on a plane that wasgoing to go down if that's
(12:17):
because god decided it was ourtime and there would be nothing
we could do about it.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Anyway, he's like I got.
Don't worry, son, I haveparachutes packed, he can jump
out the bus.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
So he would.
He would go, okay, okay.
And then 15 minutes ago by islike give me the odds.
What do you think the odds ofus having turbulence are?
So it was seven days of this.
We're we're at disneyland orDisney World, I don't know what
the fuck it is.
We're at Disney, somethingHappiest place on the planet.
(12:49):
And my kid's asking me what ifone of the pilots passes out?
I'm like I already told youthere's a second pilot.
I was thinking the same thing.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
What happens.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
If there's a turbulence, jerk and they both
hit their head, then whathappens?
Speaker 3 (13:05):
They hit their heads against each other.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
And now I'm lying and I'm like the flight attendants
are technically all pilots.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
They have a backup pilot in the back.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
You just don't know who he is.
I'm like you know that firstoverhead cubby that you can't
use.
It's a pilot robot.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Well, did you tell him they basically do fly
themselves like?
Completely and then he's askingthey don't land themselves,
though did you tell him?
How do you think the pilot knewthat there was going to be
turbulence if they didn't knowall about how to handle
turbulence?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
bro, and then at school earlier in the year they
learned about september 11th.
Oh god and he goes what happensif there's terrorists on our
plane?
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I said terrorists, don't go to florida did you tell
him about the movie snakes on aplane with samuel l jackson?
Speaker 1 (14:01):
like you, think terrorists are bad.
There's a motherfucking snakeon this motherfucking plane, so
we had to deal with that forseven days.
And he's asking us to check theweather to see if there's going
to be turbulence from the timewe land.
So I told him look, I said Isaid this vacation.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
It doesn't have anything to do with rain either.
It's clouds, I know.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I'm like, bro, this vacation it doesn't have
anything to do with rain either,it's clouds.
I know I'm like, bro, thisvacation is costing me like half
of a car.
Like this is so fuckingexpensive, right.
Every day we're here is likeeighteen hundred dollars.
Right, I'm like we're notruining this fucking vacation.
I said we will look at theweather the night before, and
(14:47):
the night before only.
So stop asking.
So, of course, I'm like low key, checking the weather on my
phone.
And it's beautiful weather.
All seven days were there.
Big storm coming in the day.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
And.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I'm like all right, well, I'm going to check it
again in two days.
I'm going to see if this isclearing up, if this is going to
pass.
So sure enough it's not.
So we're due to fly out.
Yesterday at like 1 in theafternoon and at 8 o'clock in
the morning, when it's 85 andsunny, I get a fucking phone
(15:27):
call.
Southwest Automated Line.
Your flight has been what'sthat called?
Delayed, delayed.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Due to weather, coming out of Houston.
Due to weather to 3 o'clock.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
That's crazy.
It's fine.
So we decide to go out forlunch.
So now we're not going to be inthis big mad rush to get to the
airport All right.
So we're going to go get lunch.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
What did you tell your kid that you're not?
He knows the time of the flight.
Yeah, I told him it got delayed, but usually why?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
We told him that there's a storm coming and
they're waiting until thestorm's over for us to fly no.
Dude, we're fucking outside.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Like he's not going to see the storm Like.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
look at all these Hollywood raindrops.
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Yeah, tell him it's just a, you know, it's a Cyprus
cloud, yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
So we're having lunch , we're sitting in a lovely
place nice franchise place,called Joe's Crab Shack, crab
Lace, and we're sitting therewatching palm trees folding in
half.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Palm tree leaves ejecting off of the trees and
fucking smashing into stuff inparking lots.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
That's awesome, dude this is great, this is epic big
metal, big metal a-frame.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Sign out in front of joel's crab shack say come on in
for our lunch special hoppingin the wind goes flying across
the park.
Come on, michelle's phonestarts dinging.
Then my phone starts dingingand I look at it and chase is
going was it safe?
Was it safe?
And we tell him oh, it's just atext message from papa, your
(17:15):
grandpa.
Now you lie and we look at it.
You lie to him and it's afucking, fucking tornado warning
.
We're like tornado warning,fuck my.
My kid was uh, we had a tornadogo through his school's parking
lot last year.
Oh so tornadoes, you know.
(17:37):
They were in their tornadodrill all the whole school down
in the basement and it rippedthrough the parking lot.
So he has a crippling fear oftornado.
So now we can't tell himthere's a tornado, even though
it's fucking blatantly obvious.
It's picking smart cars upoutside.
Fucking people can't even beoutside.
(17:58):
People are walking fucking 45miles an hour because the wind's
pushing so it's the same yearhe was.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
He was taught 9-11.
He had a tornado hit his schooland then you take a flight in
tornado.
Hurricane season, yeah,hurricane season?
Speaker 1 (18:15):
yeah, that's right, that's right.
No, it's in, it's like august,september.
Oh, it's okay, whatever, itdoesn't matter.
But uh, no, you're right.
You are right.
So we're, we're killing time wego to the airport.
We're by now.
Our flight's been delayed nowtill like 7 30 at night jesus
and when did we?
Speaker 3 (18:35):
when did uh that we send you that message?
Because you were like uh, we'relike are we doing the podcast
tomorrow?
And tony's like uh depends onthe weather.
What was that?
What was it?
Was it?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
yeah, I'm sitting in the airport watching no flights
taking off, watching watchingthe board where all these flight
times are changing to delayed.
Then they canceled.
Oh my god, I'm watching.
I'm watching this fuckingbrutal thunder and lightning
(19:05):
storm rush through the airportand I'm like fuck so it's
starting to sound a lot like youare the one with the high
anxiety because I know, I knowwhat this is going to be with
this kid man.
I just know Like he's not goingto let it go.
(19:27):
He's not going to just go onthere and go to sleep.
It's not going to be any ofthat.
So you just give us someBenadryl.
They're ready to board us.
Now it's 8 o'clock at night andand the lady comes up and you
know it's Southwest, so you gotto line up at your podium at
(19:49):
your boarding number and shegoes.
You know.
She says, like this is a fullflight, we have 49 kids on this
flight.
Family boarding does not get toline up until I say so.
I want only my A group boardingto line up.
(20:11):
I want wheelchairs over here.
I want you guys to geteverything in the bins.
Make sure everything's good andpacked in tight.
It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Oh my god.
I want to say something about.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I'd be terrified so the flight, the flight captain
jack at the flight, the flightcaptain Jack at the front of the
plane can talk very smoothlyover the speaker.
Make sure everybody's calm Inthose terminals.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
they're like if you're in line for flight 32,
we're waiting for.
Jamie, jamie, the.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Room is closing.
Buddy, let's go.
They're the worst.
Get in line.
Get in line, get ready to geton the fucking plane.
Those are the flight attendantswho couldn't make it those are
the ones that have to stay backand yell at people so scary.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Before you get on the plane so my four-year-old knows
that he can't physically takehis brother yet, but he's very
smart.
What do you mean?
He knows Fight him, take him.
He knows that if he tries tofight the 11-year-old he's going
to get fucked up.
For now it's not going to lastlong, trust me.
(21:23):
Yeah, but the four-year-old hasfigured out how to mentally
destroy my 11-year-old.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Oh man, you see that weather out there bro.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Hey, you see that wind, it's fucking here he's
going, chase.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I love flying in storms.
It's so fun when it's bumpy.
Shut up, shut up man, we'retrying to change the subject and
we're like so what was yourfavorite part of the vacation?
and my four-year-old looks andchases eyes and he goes the
(22:00):
plane ride looking right intothe 11 year old's eyes so we get
on the plane and and it's nightnow too, which is kind of more
spooky yeah, it's pitch blackand we get on the plane and they
announce that um, beverageservice is going to be a little
(22:24):
later than normal, blah, blah,blah.
He's like we got to get throughthe rough skies before we can
damn.
Oh the, the lady at the gatesaid and I'm gonna give
everybody an extra five minutesright now.
If you got to use the bathroom,go do it now, because that fast
(22:45):
and seat belt sign is going tobe on for most of the flight due
to all the turbulence.
And I'm like Over theloudspeaker.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Oh, because of the turbulence.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
I'm like this bitch here, this motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Hi everybody, just wanted to let you know if you're
boarding us to Milwaukee.
You're going to have a fun ride, so you better use the bathroom
before, because it's going tobe a bumpy one.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
So we get on the plane?
Was the kid crying, Dude?
He?
Speaker 1 (23:09):
wasn't crying yet You're just looking at him.
He was Devastating.
He just kept like calmly askinghe's like we're going to be
okay.
Right, we're going to be okay.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
I'm like, of course we're going to be okay.
Did you kind of feel bad, Dude?
I felt terrible.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Yeah, feel bad for my kid I don't want him to be
scared.
I don't know.
I'm sick dude.
I get some kind of joy out ofthis fucking false fears my kids
having.
If they're totally false fears,I kind of like.
I'm like you're.
You're four-year-old, I'm like.
My favorite part was the planeride, but I don't.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
It's crazy, chris, you're mental.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
No, if it's a real fear, but if it's false fear,
that's a real fear, but if it'sfalse fear, I can't that is a
real fear.
No, it's not, it's false fear.
Both kids Fear of flying.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
False fear, both kids , I mean.
Every fear is a false fear, ifyou think about it that way,
fear of getting bit by arattlesnake when you're hiking
through the woods.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Real fear, because there's actually rattlesnakes
that will bite you.
Fear is fear, fear itself.
No, turbulence doesn't takedown a plane.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
No, I know, that's what I just said.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Okay, okay, okay, sorry.
Both kids opt to sit with mebecause Chase knows that his mom
is also nervous about theturbulence.
So now we got her sitting byherself.
Three to an aisle.
I got both kids Three to a side.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Three to a side.
Jam them up into the window sothey can't sneak out who got the
window.
The four-year-old.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
He wanted it.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Oh, I always wanted it.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Because he wanted to keep the window open to make the
11-year-old more nervous.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Sure hey look at all the way, look at how miserable
it is out there that guythrowing our bags in there.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Hey, chase there's something on the wing, some
thing, so we start flying.
Chase is like it's gonna beokay.
Right, are you near the back ofthe plane or the front?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
yeah, because the back is where it wobbles the
most, I think that's.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
That's what the flight attendant told me later.
Really, yeah, because it's like.
She's like, if you're afraid ofturbulence, never sit you
should say this by the wings.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
I never knew that.
I think this is where you wantto be, but but mostly so, the
wings is the best place to bewhen?
Because the back.
If you look at a plane man, theback is just hanging off.
It's like a teeter-totter.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Yeah, it's just hanging off so, uh, we start
going through some.
There was nothing.
There was nothing major andnothing terrible, but it was
constant for the whole flight.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
So it was like basically driving on a bumpy
road.
Yep, so there wasn't really anydrops?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
A couple little ones, nothing like the one on the way
there.
That's what scares me is thedrops, a couple little ones,
nothing like that's the one onthe way there.
Scares me is the drops.
So my kid, my kid, is goingthrough full-blown panic attacks
through the entire flight.
So he's forgetting how tobreathe.
He keeps telling me he's gonnatry to go to sleep and then he
turns his tablet off, takes hisheadphones off and then
(26:06):
immediately puts them back on,and then turns his tablet back
on and then turns it off, Likehe's fucking panicking so hard
he doesn't know what to do.
See that I feel bad.
I'm sitting there.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Because I was riven.
I would have been riven on thekid going like you want to get
the last drink of water.
It might be your last.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
I'm sitting there trying to calm them down, man.
It's like, what do you do?
It's breaking my heart thewhole fucking time.
I would feel terrible.
And there's there's noconsoling them and it's like
we're just sitting there and I'mlike, okay, buddy, slow, deep
breaths in your mouth, releaseout your nose.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
I don't know if that's the right thing to tell
them, but it sounded it soundedlike what a yoga instructor at
this point, even thefour-year-old's like all right,
I'm done, I win.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
No, I'm done so the four-year-old fell asleep long
before the plane even took off.
Oh my god, he slept until wewere at our guys.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
You guys are waiting, like what, 20 minutes before
you can actually take off.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
You guys, it was like it was like a half hour of
taxiing around the runway, andthat's some of the worst.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
And he's like when are we going up?
When are we going up?
Oh, I felt a bump.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I felt a bump and I'm like we're on the road.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
We're not in the air yet.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Chase.
So then, shit, an hour and 20,because Michelle has on
Southwest, you can track whereyou are in the flight.
Yeah, sure, so we're an hour in.
We have an hour 20 left to go.
It's still bumpy.
Yeah, it was bumpy from fuckingtakeoff to landing the storm
(27:38):
was through states.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
It was probably a whole thing coming across the
country and you flew rightthrough it.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
Yeah you guys were following the storm as it was
going east.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
The pilots like just stay in it, just stay in it,
just stay in it.
But we could get out of itright here.
No, just stay in it.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
This is fun.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
So he is.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
See that red light right there, cindy, that's the
hazard light.
When that's on, I get paiddouble.
We're staying where we are.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
So our frumpy flight attendant Gladys, yeah, late,
60s, short, robust.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Gym teacher Gym teacher fit, do you need?
Speaker 3 (28:19):
any drugs for your kid.
I got some.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
So when they come around for beverages I always
order a can.
Did you get a shot?
I specifically say I want a canof Sprite.
It's 50-50.
If always order a can, Did youget?
Specifically say, yeah, I wanta can of 50, 50.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
If they listen to you guys shot for your kid oh when
they come hand me the little cup, I say oh no.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I asked for a can.
You're shot a vodka for thiskid, and then they, they bring
you over a can.
And uh, chase asked for a water.
And now michelle bought the bigfucking seven dollar airport
water, the huge one, and chasedrank that whole thing in that
first hour he has to pee andyeah, he's getting up during the
(29:01):
turbulence I thought youcouldn't get up.
He was getting up.
He's like I gotta pee.
I'm gonna pee in my pants.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
That probably made him feel better, that he could
get up and do something at thatcountry, because you know for me
, I guess, going in thosebathrooms it's like yeah all
right, I get scared because Ihave no control.
So that's the only control hehad was getting up and going to
the back.
That's his control.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Like that made him feel better so he would get up,
go to the bathroom, come back,sit back down, and then he'd
immediately go I gotta pee again.
And so he went to the bathroomprobably four times and it felt
like six minutes sure and thepeople around us are like, oh,
poor thing, you know, every timehe gets up and goes away and
I'm like, I'm like, yeah, Idon't know what to do with them.
(29:44):
I'm like, if anybody's got anydrugs, now's the time.
Like I don't know what to doand the flight attendant.
We order, we order our cans ofbeverage and she goes what is it
which y'all order in these cans?
She goes uh, how strong youguys think I am and I'm like,
from the looks of it, prettygoddamn strong it makes strong
(30:07):
she's just like a mouthy oldfucking lady why does a?
can make you, because it's tooheavy on her tray to take the
whole can.
She likes taking the littlecups you know.
So she's like kind of I don'tknow what's, what's that term?
Brass brash?
I don't know brash brash.
She's like real lippy and notvery friendly close to
(30:32):
retirement and I'm like, I'mlike god damn it, man, pensions
coming up, so now she'srealizing like how nervous chase
is.
And now she's coming over andlike being really nice to him
and rubbing his back and whattelling you pay for that,
telling him it's gonna be okayand every flight they take has
turbulence.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
It's no big deal, he's like dad, can you get the
girl in the back to rub me?
Speaker 1 (30:58):
this one's scaring the shit out of me more than she
tells him she tells him alittle bit of turbulence is a
trade-off for getting yourdestination in two hours instead
of 20, and I'm like, thank you.
I've been telling him that forfucking ever.
All week I've been telling himthat.
So now, now we're to the pointhe's done with his back and
(31:20):
forth bathroom breaks, he chugsdown that next uh can of water
and then he looks at me and hegoes I'm gonna puke I'm like
fucking great.
I grabbed the bag out of theback of the seat, I hand it to
him and he fills the fucking bag.
It's all water three quartersup to the top oh and uh yeah I
(31:45):
grab it from him and he's like II still gotta puke.
So I grab him another bag and Ihand it to him.
And when I'm handing him thatbag, he swats and knees the full
puke bag out.
What why?
Like when I'm moving it, likeacross his body, like when he's
(32:07):
trying to grab the next one, helifts up his knee and hits the
puke bag from the bottom andthen swings his arm out and
fucking slaps it right out of myhand and the fucking whole bag
of puke pours on me, chase andthe floor.
The whole.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Hold on, let me say it again the whole fucking bag
of puke, the $9 water bag ofpuke and the Texas Roadhouse or
whatever he says you had thecrab shack seafood shots it's on
his shoe.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
It's on his pants.
His sweatshirt's covered in it.
It's in my crock.
It's on my fucking.
His sweatshirts covered in it,it's in my crock.
Speaker 3 (32:51):
It's on my fucking pants way you wearing crocs.
Yeah, dude you always havesocks on to absorb that puke.
Yeah, I did.
Well, you shouldn't be having.
I took the socks off.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
That was the only saving grace at the end and my
wife starts fucking panicking.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
Because my wife just can't stay calm about it like
she has to draw attention to itand got you some fresh clothes
out of the carry-on she's likecalling for the flight attendant
.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
She's like my son puked, it's everywhere.
So this fucking lady, why doyour kids throw?
Up this fucking lady and theyreally don't dude.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
This is the second story you've told me.
Now that's to both kids.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
The crazy thing is is they they were both reflux
babies, so for the first year oftheir life like exactly a year
they puked probably eight timesa day, jesus christ, and since
they've been one chases maybepuked probably eight times a day
, jesus Christ.
And since they've been one,chase has maybe puked five times
in the last ten years.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
My kid is eight and has thrown up twice in her
entire life, yeah, and Logan'spuked twice.
That's because you don't dealwith boys Since he's turned one.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
You don't deal with boys.
You have a girl.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, okay, it's so much easier Somehow.
Speaker 1 (34:11):
Dude it so much easier somehow.
So, dude, it's so much easier.
I'm watching all thesewell-behaved girls in the
fucking airport just standingthere patiently next to their
parents and my kid, my kid'staking the fucking velvet ropes
and dominoing all the bases downon their sides.
They're fucking hanging oneverything.
What's wrong with?
Speaker 3 (34:28):
them.
Oh, don't worry, my kidstouching everybody's parents
just don't know how to parent.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Come on, I grabbed that motherfucker girls.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
I grabbed that motherfucker by his ear and drug
him back to the line and toldhim to be patient and he sat
depending on what region you'refrom Indian style or crisscross
applesauce on the floor for like10 seconds and he had a rubber
ducky in his hand and he fuckinglaunched it at another fucking
(35:04):
grown man.
Speaker 3 (35:06):
He just fucking threw it at him.
All right, tony's getting inthe fight, so anyway take him
anyway take him, sir, he's allyours, this fucking.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Now everything's covered in puke and this flight
attendant comes over and I don'tknow what the protocol is for.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Puke all over everything nothing dude, there
isn't one but the protocol was.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
She handed me two rubber gloves and a gigantic
stack of napkins and a garbagebag and said I'm gonna need you
to clean this up yeah, soundsabout right and I'm like, okay,
I got it.
Okay, like I'm gonna handle it,it's fine, it is what it is.
I'm gonna handle it.
Speaker 3 (35:46):
I'm pretty sure if she's been in the, she's been
there that long she's seen itbefore there's going to be no
moving around.
And was it like the smelly,smelly puke?
Speaker 1 (35:59):
No, it was fucking rancid.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
Oh, that's even worse .
Speaker 1 (36:04):
There were lots of half fucking dissolved chicken
tenders in it.
Oh, so bad.
No good, there were lots ofhalf fucking dissolved chicken
tenders in it.
Speaker 3 (36:12):
Oh, it was so bad, dude, no good, so bad man.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
I can right now close my eyes.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
I don't want to either.
No.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Dude, I can close my eyes and smell it.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
No, chase, you didn't eat all six of your chicken
nuggets.
I've seen it in your puke,motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
That's when I regretted saying two more bites.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
It was so bad.
And then, and then my wife istotally making it worse because
now she's like panicked about itand she's trying to console him
.
Who's now standing in the aisle?
And then she's getting on herknees for a reason.
I don't want her to get on herknees because I'm already
cleaning it up and she's tryingto help me and I'm like, sit in
(36:55):
your fucking seat, like, justsit in your seat, I will handle
this.
It's not a fucking big deal.
Now you're fighting in front of.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
I'm like sit down bitch 226 passengers.
Was all this happening duringturbulence?
Speaker 2 (37:11):
Yeah, Dude, that is the worst.
I've spilled like One tenth ofone of those Little tiny cups of
Whiskey and ginger ale on mytray and that ruined half my
flight.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
I can only imagine my paper's all wet now.
No, it looks like I peed.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
God damn it yeah, you only got this little napkin to
clean it up with.
You got no room in there.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
You're snuggled in between strangers so then, after
that he gets calmed down, he'sstill panicking.
I pull up a game on my phoneand we're playing it together
and it's keeping his mind off it.
He's totally, he's totallyfucking cool.
Now we're playing this game andthen he tells me he doesn't
want to play the game anymore,goes right back to panic attacks
(38:02):
just telling a puke again.
He's probably more nervouspuking so now we're down to
about 30 minutes left of theflight.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
Jeez, you still have turbulence.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Yeah, it was the whole way.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
I used to throw up on plane rides too, and I know how
miserable it is Even justhaving the little bag of puke
that you have to manage.
Speaker 3 (38:24):
I could not imagine.
I don't know what to do with itGet air sick or something.
Yeah, I don't know if I do withit Get air sick or something.
Speaker 2 (38:29):
Yeah, I don't know if I do still, but there was a
streak.
I was on a streak of like sixflights, seven flights in a row.
I had thrown up on.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
You warned the pilot as you're walking.
Just let you know I'm going topuke.
It's not you.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
Oh, the first thing I would do when.
I sit down is look at yeah makesure there's some eggs.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
Tell the person next to me I get nervous when I fly.
I said to throw off a little,I'll be fine.
You're asking the person funny,are you gonna use that puke bag
?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (38:54):
for real.
It got me bumped into firstclass once, but that didn't help
.
I still do.
I'm next to the other guy infirst class.
I'm gonna try that, all right,sorry it's bad dude, I can only
imagine so now the stink is thisso now?
Speaker 1 (39:08):
do it so now we got 30 minutes left.
Every 45 seconds he's askingmichelle to check her flight
tracker to see how long we goton the flight.
So he asked 65 fucking times Ifeel bad man how long are we
gonna have?
How long is it?
How long is it now?
How long is it now?
We land, he gets off, he's like, he's like it wasn't so bad.
(39:33):
He's like, oh, I'm glad that'sover.
And then.
And then I tell him I'm like Igot bad news for you visiting
grandma.
I'm like I already booked us aflight to Mexico.
I'm like we leave in two weeks.
Really, no, not at all.
Speaker 3 (39:52):
Fuck, you say, you seem good.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Now we're in the airport.
He's all good, he's over it.
We still smell like puke, butthere's nothing we can do about
that now and now I'm likefucking harassing him that I got
all these flights.
Michelle's like we drive inplaces, we're flying.
You've got to get over this soyou're telling me now that you
(40:15):
ain't flying anytime soon no, weactually are flying at the end
of summer to dc for to go visitmy wife's brother.
Speaker 3 (40:25):
Oh, so what?
Speaker 1 (40:29):
it's gonna be bad.
I don't know.
Do they make children's ambient?
Speaker 3 (40:34):
I don't know, just benadryl I said it.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Give them benadryl, give them one of the spike root
beers do?
Speaker 1 (40:40):
I think we need to just only plan red eyes so
they're so tired and I need towake them up at like four
o'clock in the morning and justrun them on a treadmill for like
six hours and then go to theairport.
I don't know, man, make themread a book, fucking.
Knock a cavanaugh right out.
This can't get through thefirst page.
(41:03):
Nothing makes us more tiredthan fucking breathing it's
because you keep reading this, Iget halfway through an ikea
instruction manual and I'm likeI need a nap damn dude yeah,
that sounds.
Speaker 3 (41:17):
I mean, besides the the flight, the trip probably
was.
I mean was how?
Speaker 1 (41:21):
the trip was magical universal was kind of cool so we
didn't actually go to universal, but we stayed in on
universal's grounds but everydid you do?
Every night we went to citywalk yeah, I've been there and
uh, uh the kids.
I don't know why, but the kidsloved city walk that like they
wanted to go there every nightreal quick it's basically
(41:44):
there's like 20 restaurants.
There's actually nightclubs upthere.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Some souvenir shops, everything a kid can do.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
Yeah, some souvenir shops.
Speaker 3 (41:52):
What do they like about it?
Speaker 1 (41:53):
There's music playing in the street.
There's cool water, fountains,lights, there's fucking weird
people to watch there's bands.
Down there you can take boatrides.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
The kids just really like that.
It's the old boardwalk, it's.
It's like a boardwalk.
Speaker 1 (42:12):
So the we did that.
We went to lego land twice, wewent to disney.
We uh stayed at our hotel andswam one of the days we went to
uh actually I think it wasprobably one of the kids
favorite things is uh, we spentlike a day and a half doing
their real big outlet mall downthere, like it's like fucking
(42:35):
five city blocks.
It sounds terribly invisible.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
It's fun.
When you have money, it's fun.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
We didn't really buy much anything like the kids got
sunglasses.
Speaker 2 (42:45):
We don't like shopping chase.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
Chase had a straight fucking blast in spencers until
he got up.
I don't know if you've been ina spencers in the last 10 years
no, I've been 10 years but uh,you know, their registers are in
the middle of the store andthey got all the funny shit up
front.
You know he's 11, so he sees ashirt that says I love tits and
he's like dude.
(43:07):
You see what that says look atthat I love big dicks, you know
it's like fucking ridiculous butthe second the second half of
the store is fucking sex toys,jesus grace.
So I'm trying to keep them awayfrom the dildos, but let them
look at the cool, like old,sublime shirts and stuff.
Speaker 3 (43:28):
I just tell them they're swords.
So you know.
Airplane blah.
This airplane to your son isnot good.
He does not like flying, not afan.
We're done as of right this butyou're not done you're gonna
make it, you're make, you'regonna make a simulator in your
house so that he gets over hisgoddamn fear could you imagine
if it was like a seven hourflight with like a layover?
Speaker 1 (43:50):
you had to stop and get back on another one yeah,
the lady behind us was tellingme that uh, like two months ago
she flew to india and that'slike a 18 hour flight or
something, and she said that theperson sitting next to her was
like the same as my son, likedevastated to be on this
(44:11):
airplane, and she's like it wasthe whole flight it was so
miserable dude yeah, my, my, uh,my mom.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
For some odd reason, she was a flight attendant for
so many years.
She's terrified of flying, butshe'll, so she'll take.
Uh, xanax, yeah, they got kids,xx, I think, if you break it in
half, it'd be fine.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
He's about half my, half my weight.
Speaker 3 (44:33):
All right, tony, that was a good story.
That was a good story and youknow, it just happened, so it
was fresh in your mind.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
Yeah, it was a lot to deal with.
Speaker 3 (44:41):
I can tell you you bring out your uh emotional.
You started to tear up a littlebit.
Speaker 1 (44:46):
Yeah, so the other, the uh other cool thing about
the trip if you're ever takingkids or whatever going someplace
and the car rental.
So we specifically rented aJeep this time.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
Jeeps are fun.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
I've done that before Renting cars too and being able
to take the top down.
So you can rent like a Mustangconvertible or something Like
the little shitty six cylinderMustang.
But they're so fucking crampedto be in with kids.
(45:25):
The Jeep's fucking perfect ifyou got like two kids and then
you can peel all the tops offand sure uh the kids fucking
loved it.
Speaker 3 (45:34):
This episode was brought to you by jeep.
Speaker 1 (45:37):
Get yourself a jeep, your kids will love you.
If you're at the outlet mall,somebody will put a rubber ducky
on what is that a jeep thing?
Speaker 3 (45:46):
that's a thing.
Close, chris.
Close this out.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
That's all you got today.
Yeah Well, that's Tony's tripon a plane.
Don't take your kids on a plane, at least not my kids.
Yeah, I agree, cleaning upthrow-up is fun.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Thanks everyone, you can hit the button.
Thanks everyone, you can hitthe button.
Thanks everyone, We'll be rightback.
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