Turning Hotel Showers into Comedy and Ethical Dilemmas

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Hey guys, hey guys.

(00:36):
Another week, another podcast.
How you doing today?
What's up, dude?
Doing good, doing good, goodenough, or just good, doing
great, doing great.
We're really excited to hearyou, uh, start a podcast without
stumbling over your words.
That was pretty good.
That's probably that's why Iwas in shock.
That's why it took me a secondto respond.

Speaker 2 (00:52):
Well, I looked at Tony and his hair's messed up,
which is not normal, and then Ifeel like he's going to say
something bad about me, but hedidn't.

Speaker 3 (01:00):
So I think he's thinking it, though I was happy
I didn't have to yell hit meagain.

Speaker 2 (01:06):
All right.
So I got a story for you guysand this story, not many people
have heard it and I reallydidn't want to tell you.

Speaker 3 (01:19):
I never told you.
How about you quit pussyfootingaround it and just start
telling the damn story?

Speaker 1 (01:22):
If I'll tell you, if there's any help or any
assistance.
Nobody listens to this podcasteither, so still nobody will
hear it.

Speaker 2 (01:30):
Come on, man, you've got to divide that 50 by four
hey, this is my pitch.

Speaker 1 (01:36):
If no one's out there leaving reviews on all of the
different podcast sites andsubscribing to us and hitting
the bell, then how do we knowyou're actually listening?
So go out and do that.
If you are listening, prove youexist.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
Yeah, do something internet related to show us.

Speaker 1 (01:51):
Yeah, You're all everyone's cataloged by their
internet presence.
You have no actual presence.

Speaker 2 (01:58):
I think we'd never call to action.
And then, when I try to, youguys make fun of me for it.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
That was a call to action.
Just now I know that you got towork them in.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
When I do it, I guess I just do it retardedly, oh
shit.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
That's fine.

Speaker 2 (02:11):
All right.
So, like I said, I don't knowwhy I've never told you this
story.
I don't know if I'm embarrassedabout it or not, but I'm just
going to go ahead and tell younow.

Speaker 3 (02:23):
anyway, I about it or not, but I'm just going to go
ahead and tell you now anyway.
I mean, not many people knowOne could be more embarrassed
than a bloody asshole.
Episode one Right, that's true.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
Not many people know this.
Okay, so let me kind of breakthis down into a.
Let me try my best to make thisa good story.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
Are we going to have to put a parental advisory
sticker on this story?

Speaker 2 (02:42):
Oh, there's a parental advisory sticker for
everything for our podcast.
Before you even click on it,it's explicit you cannot listen
to this podcast unless you'reabove 21.

Speaker 3 (02:52):
This isn't the story about that time you raped that
hooker is it.
Shut up, just wondering.
It's one of my favorites.
It's one of my favorites.

Speaker 2 (03:04):
So I got commissioned I guess you could say to do
work at a hotel in Madison.
I am a.
If you don't know, I'm a tileinstaller.
Been doing it for 20 years.
I can do anything with tile.

Speaker 3 (03:19):
Install it properly.

Speaker 1 (03:23):
Funny.
What is it Ixpa?
What is there?
Tile association, nes and c andncaa.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
What the fuck is?
It n t c?
A c a.
I knew there was a.
I knew a and c was there, but Iforgot the t.
So I I was uh, I was hired toreplace and redo all the niches
in the showers.

Speaker 1 (03:47):
The person that installed the first niche is
Hold on Time out For all of usat home Not necessarily me, of
course.
Okay, mine.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
Why don't you explain what a?

Speaker 1 (03:56):
niche is.

Speaker 2 (03:58):
In French they call it a niche, but in America Well
let him call, let him call Allmy Serbian friends.

Speaker 3 (04:04):
call it a niche.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
I don't know why I just I like my niche.

Speaker 3 (04:09):
I'm gonna call it a fucking niche normal people
would call it a place where youput your bottles of shampoo.
How do you spell it?
N-i-c-h-e?

Speaker 1 (04:19):
so yeah, and it's the little piece of metal thing
that hangs over the shower inyour shower.

Speaker 2 (04:23):
so a niche is a little different.
It's inset piece of metal thingthat hangs over the shower head
, your shower.
So a niche is a littledifferent.
It's inset, that's an Audi.

Speaker 3 (04:28):
We're talking innies.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
I'm wage raiding myself.
Here I'm showing everyone howpoor I am.
It's inset.
I don't have a niche.
I got an outie Audi.

Speaker 3 (04:39):
An outie.
Yeah, the little wire basketyou take to the ymca when you
need to shower.

Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah, it's inset in the shower so you don't have to
deal with hitting your head on acorner shelf or somewhat or
something most people would bescraping their belly but, we
shut up, god damn it.
You just wait for things likethis to happen, to just make
fucking chuckles at me.

(05:04):
Yeah, I was, I was.

Speaker 3 (05:08):
So well, for fuck's sake, jay, who puts an inset
wall in the where you would hityour head Like if a kid took a
shower if a kid took a shower,they wouldn't be able to reach
the salt You'd have to put insome wall climbing.

Speaker 2 (05:35):
That's kind of funny.
Yes, well, you know it's crazy,is they you?
We?
We make um, inset uh foot foryour to put your foot to shave
your leg so you don't have tobend over and you can kind of
lift your leg up so, yeah, themost useless add-on I know right
currently, but that's what I'mthinking like a mountain
climbing thing that he's talkingabout, you could actually do
that you put your foot in thewall, yeah so I mean that's
pretty useful, so you don't kindof bend down all the way over.

Speaker 1 (05:57):
Yeah, I think I want to have you guys in to put in a
niche for my rock climbing, onelike that or a a longer basket,
A longer basket yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 (06:08):
So there is 150 of these in a hotel that are done
wrong.
They put in the wrong metal andthis metal is not waterproof, I
don't know, or whatever it is,they rust.
It had a bad finish.
Yeah, the finish was wrong, soI had to take all these out and
redo them 150 of them so theygave me a year to do these.

Speaker 1 (06:32):
That's one every other day.

Speaker 2 (06:35):
First off, I got to drive to Madison, which Madison
is.
They don't care about that, Iknow, but it's like almost two
hours away from me.
What are you?

Speaker 3 (06:45):
Get a car that's operating.
What are you riding?
A bicycle Two hours.

Speaker 1 (06:50):
He's got to charge his power wheels on the way.
You know how long those thingscan start.

Speaker 3 (06:55):
It's a 47 minute ride .
Max Shut the fuck up, man.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
It was Okay.
It depends on where in Madison.
Well, there's three stops atQuick Trip.
Where do you think it stretches?

Speaker 3 (07:07):
to the Dells.
Yeah, the Dells is an hour and40.
All right, fine, I miss.

Speaker 1 (07:13):
Madison's a pretty big city.
It goes all the way north tothe Dells, west out to what?

Speaker 3 (07:17):
All the way to the Mississippi River.

Speaker 2 (07:20):
No one understands what you guys are talking about
or making fun of, because theydon't live here.

Speaker 3 (07:23):
So shut the fuck up All right Everything outside of
Milwaukee County is Madisonadjacent it's like an hour away.

Speaker 1 (07:32):
According to the download statistics, most people
do know where Madison,wisconsin, is.
Who are listening All?

Speaker 2 (07:39):
right, fine, it's like an hour and 20.
I just round up all the time.

Speaker 3 (07:43):
That's why I do it.
I'll give you an hour and 20.

Speaker 2 (07:45):
Yeah, it is, and then if you're driving there and
back it's almost three hours.
Okay, so got to replace allthese niches in this hotel and
give me a timeline within a year.
So I do.
I planned out a series of doingsix to eight a day on my trips

(08:06):
there and for some reason theyalways made it so difficult for
me.
I mean, there was four levels.
I had to do two on the first,three on the fourth, so they
made it just like not easy.
They didn't put everything in aone level.

Speaker 3 (08:19):
Well, yeah, because when somebody's paying $150 a
night or whatever to stay atthis motel, they don't want a
little tile man knocking attheir door, saying hey, your
shower's going to be out ofcommission for the next six
hours, no right.
They'll wait until the roomswere empty.

Speaker 2 (08:36):
No, I'm going to be like they'll send me in a room
with someone in there.
I'm like, don't worry about me,I'm only going to make a little
bit of noise.
I'll be out in two hours.
I completely replaced the nicheand I'm like, hey, you can have
take a shower for the next day,so All right.

Speaker 3 (08:49):
So can I ask you a question and I don't know if
this is a little too insidebaseball for our audience, but
so so these L channels thatyou're replacing that were
defective, so one lip is exposed, replacing that were defective,
so one lip is exposed.
You get to see that lip fromanywhere in the bathroom, but

(09:10):
the other lip is underneath thetile.
So when you say you have toreplace these niches, are you
popping the four tiles have toaround the inside, scraping
those off and reusing those samefour tile, or do you have to
cut four new tile for usuallyone?

Speaker 2 (09:28):
yeah, I usually had to cut four new ones because
they would break.
I couldn't get them out withoutbreaking.
But if I could get them withoutbreaking, those motherfuckers
are going right back in.
Oh, absolutely, and I would doit where I I got so good at it
where I could take those apartand save maybe two of them and
then never have to replace theback tile.
So there's a back tile to theback of the niche.

(09:49):
Chris and I could do it where Inever broke that tile and that
I thought was pretty amazing.
And every one of these nicheswere made or were constructed
and done differently.
They were all different sizes,all smaller, bigger.
I'd open some of these nichesand they would have tiles
stacked on tiles stacked on tilejust to get somewhat of a

(10:13):
square look.
It was so fucked up.
But this is commercial, so Iknew what I was getting involved
with.
So I charged $150 each.
I could get six to eight donein a day, so it was worth it,
absolutely.
I didn't have to pay formaterials, I don't need to pay
for gas.

Speaker 1 (10:31):
So you were paid per each, but they gave you a year.

Speaker 2 (10:34):
Well, they just said they needed this done within
this time frame and was likearound a year, would they?

Speaker 1 (10:39):
have let you do like 20 in a two, three day process.

Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah, no, no, I would go in there for a week.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
So my question is if you're going there and the room
can't be used by the hotelbecause you're doing tile work,
why didn't you just stay therefor like a week and do them all
and you got a year's worth ofwork and pay done in a week?

Speaker 2 (11:02):
My wife wouldn't let me.
I'm just kidding.
Yeah, let's be serious here.

Speaker 3 (11:05):
He's not kidding, that doesn't sound like her at
all.
No, you know what?

Speaker 1 (11:09):
Because I would have cohorted that into a free hotel
stay, I would have been like youguys aren't using this room.

Speaker 2 (11:16):
No, that would be perfect for me.
But again, this was a busy areain Madison and they definitely
did not have more than a certainamount of rooms available a day
for me to do.
So I could never do more than acertain amount in a week, I
thought.
I think I got like 30 a week.
If that, if I got lucky andeven my brother worked on
someone with me, it was kind offun.

(11:38):
So I am, I'm getting in themiddle of like I'm at like I
don't know 60 or 70, and I'mblowing through these things
Like they're nothing.
I'm getting in the middle oflike I'm at like I don't know 60
or 70, and I'm blowing throughthese things Like they're
nothing.
I'm starting to do almost 10 aday and it's like just getting
like like waking up in themorning and brushing your teeth
kind of routine.
It's so mundane for me, I canjust do it.

(12:01):
It was so boring but so greatto have all that money.
And then things started to getkind of weird in Madison.
I don't know if it was me Um, Iknow Madison's a little bit of
a different place and I wouldnever fucking live there.
I was offered a job there, a ofmoney twice as much as I make

(12:25):
and I mean I'd have to movethere and I said no.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
So I I do not like madison I'm sorry if you said no
, my wife will I'm sorry ifyou're listening madison I hate
madison.

Speaker 3 (12:40):
They said here's a job offer.
You gotta move to mad.
Your wife can't come.
What do you do?
I mean I take the money.
No comment, I didn't, I didn't.
Yeah, I mean, let somebody tellme Jay's wife can't move in
with me in Madison.
Be like, that's fine.
Can I bring my?

Speaker 2 (13:00):
wife.
So things start to get kind ofweird.
First off, I start getting likealmost like you know in the
family, where you do somethingand everybody finds out the next
day, kind of like storytellingand things you can't just do

(13:21):
without everyone knowing.
And a group of people that youare, you know, like your family,
just doing something like, say,chris, you, I don't know you
crashed your car.
Everybody in your family willknow within a day.
Okay, I get what you're saying.
That's what I'm trying to say.
So there, it's like I mean,this hotel is big so there's a

(13:41):
lot of people that work there.
So everybody I don't rememberwhat it was, but I said
something and it offendedsomebody.
I'm not going to say what it isor what it was, but everybody
you immediately got labeled astransphobic.
Everybody for one whole week wasnot very nice to me and

(14:07):
basically I got blacklisted.
A little bit um another, andthis is probably the the reason
why I'm actually even tellingyou the story.
This is the biggest thing andthe weirdest thing that's ever
happened to me.

Speaker 3 (14:23):
I've worked in millions, millions I've worked
in over one million residencesbillion I've worked in many
houses, many, uh um many.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
I've met tons of fucking people I don't think
this story is gonna land unlessyou tell us what was said.
Fine, or what you think yousaid.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
No, no that I'm just telling you telling you offended
one of the workers.
I'm not.
I'm gone past that.
This is the better part of thestory.
This is the actual reason why Iwanted to tell you the story,
okay?
So, uh, there's this week whereI had they gave me a little bit
more than I usually get.
So I was fucking fucking fromMonday to Friday.

(15:10):
I was doing 10 a day and I wasfucking up and down every, every
um, every level I was, I wasrunning up and downstairs.
I mean, I was really hustlingto get things done cause I had a
lot of them to do and I don'tknow if it caught this, okay, so

(15:30):
I'll just tell you whathappened I'm walking down the
hallway waiting for for almost18 minutes 15 and a half
dickhead.
I'm walking down the hallwaylike I normally do.
I got my uh, my schlutersmeasured and ready to cut, and
then I get halfway down the hall, right before the door, to walk

(15:50):
out into the hallway to cutthem, and this woman stops me
and she says, hey, uh, can youuh help me out with something in
the room, and I I was kind ofwas this a guest or the?

Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, it was someone in the.

Speaker 2 (16:08):
Someone that was staying in one of the rooms.
She had like a, a suit coat on,so she looked like she was a
business chick or something.

Speaker 3 (16:15):
But it's Madison.
So you went in her room and sheshowed you her dick.

Speaker 1 (16:22):
I can't get my balls out of my zipper.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
How'd you get the Frank and beans?

Speaker 2 (16:29):
How'd you get the Frank and beans?
No, how'd you get the Frank andboth the beans.
Why'd you pull the zipper allthe way to the top?
All right, so, she asked me tocome look at this and I'm
thinking I don't work here, butyou're like, fuck it.
Yeah, I was just kind of likeokay, I'm kind of curious.

Speaker 3 (16:46):
Like when somebody at Home Depot asks you where the
Look at Tony's hyperventilator.
Do it, say it.
Where's the furnace filters?
I don't.
You know what.
It's easier if I just show you.

Speaker 2 (17:02):
Kind of that.
Yeah, she comes in.
She's like come in the room.
I got to Whatever.
I walk in her room and she'sasking about the light
flickering and I'm like I don'twork here.
Well, I mean, I'm working here,but I don't work here.
I'm just like repairing tile inrooms, like I don't know what.

(17:24):
Well, she's you know what.
I've seen you going up and down, walking all around doing all
this stuff, carrying things, andyou've been here for days.
I'm like I know, because I'mfixing things in the showers
that were done wrong by idiots.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
Well, so, first off, a hotel guest doesn't need to
know anything beyond.
I'm a contractor here.
Okay, fine, I was going to saythat and you as the contractor
should never have walked into aguest's room, invited or not,
okay, definitely, if you weren'tinvited you should have gone in

(18:02):
, but invited, that's still asketchy decision I didn't walk
in a fucking room and lay in thebed and say what's wrong?

Speaker 2 (18:09):
what do you need to?

Speaker 3 (18:09):
happen.
You just walked in and startedtaking your clothes off.
I'm at the front door doingthis or what.

Speaker 2 (18:15):
I'm at the front door by the deadbolt saying what's
the problem?
I didn't go in there and belike I've been like oh yeah,
girl, I've seen movies like this.

Speaker 1 (18:24):
All right, all right, all right, let's do it.
Yeah, I got some tile being setin there.

Speaker 2 (18:32):
Let me check out your shower so this was toward the
end of the day.
So I this is, this is kind ofwhere I was cleaning up.
I mean, niche, your schloosters, I was, I was cleaning up
everything, so I was ready to go.
It was, I don't know, 5, 6, 30,and I mean that three hour ride
home.

Speaker 3 (18:50):
I'll get a good home until 10 yeah, you might as well
take a businesswoman to poundtown and the whole town real
quick so she's like well, whatdo you?

Speaker 2 (19:01):
all right?
She's like, well, well, uh,what room you stayed in?
What do you, what do in?
What are you doing after you'redone working?
I'm like I live in fucking NewBerlin I don't even live in
Madison and I'm not staying hereand I'm actually cleaning up.
I'm about to leave and she'slike really Well, that's just

(19:24):
Well, are you going to be heretomorrow?
I'm like no, I'm actuallyfinishing up my job for the week
and I'll probably.
I don't know, I don't thinkI'll ever be back.
Because I didn't want to sayanything, because I'm kind of
getting weirded out.
I mean, this woman, she wasn'toverweight, she just was big.

Speaker 1 (19:44):
I want to know how the blacklisting filled into
this story.
What's blacklisting?
I'm still stuck on why peopledon't like it.
I'll tell you that later.

Speaker 2 (19:52):
Let me finish this because I'm already in the
middle of it.
Now forget it if I don'tfucking finish it.
So and like she's okay, she'slike Tony's size and I'm like
I'm kind of a little nervous,she might overpower me.

Speaker 3 (20:04):
She could definitely beat your ass.

Speaker 2 (20:06):
Well, I don't know, I mean I'm kind of quick and I
got a switchblade inside of mypocket and a tape measure which
they hurt if you slap somethingwith those things.
Man, they're metal and they'resharp, anyway.
So she's like, well, you can'tjust leave.
You've been working so hard andyou're just gonna just go home

(20:27):
and not do anything.
I'm like, yeah, that's uh, yeah, I, I'm.
I'm kind of like I don't evenknow what to say or do.
I'm kind of like in shock, likeliterally when me this woman
was hitting on you.

Speaker 1 (20:39):
How are you not seeing it?

Speaker 3 (20:41):
I know that that's why I was kind of like she'd not
see your air freshener when youpulled up.
The pineapple Tony you got toexplain inside jokes to people.
Jay's wife printed them up like1,800 air fresheners of a

(21:03):
picture of her face, and it'sactually been mandated that they
are in his car at all times.

Speaker 2 (21:07):
Well, I actually did Funny.
You say that I did actually puta new one today in there,
because the last one wasstarting to smell like towel
dust.
So we're coming to the end ofthe story here, guys, so just
bear with me, all right.

Speaker 3 (21:27):
So at what point does she say have you ever gotten
had from a man?
You know, I'm just general,this is madison we're talking
about so this is the best.

Speaker 2 (21:34):
This is the best part .
This is what I wanted to tellyou guys.
So she's like well, if youchange your mind or if you
decide with the next, you knowwhen you're done cleaning up, if
you want to hang out, I gotsome, we can play some games or,
you know, just have some fun.
She goes back into her room.

(21:56):
She comes out with a stack of$100 bills and I was like wait a
second, what do you mean?
Games, what kind of games areyou playing and what?

Speaker 3 (22:12):
do I get guess what gender I was born?
Was that the game?

Speaker 2 (22:17):
so I now I'm like what the fuck is going on?
Am I being?
Is this?
Am I on TV?

Speaker 3 (22:24):
no, this is catfish what the what's going on?
She was hired by the hotel tobust the skeezy tile set.

Speaker 1 (22:36):
Maybe that's what that was?
No, for real, not at all.
She was a lonely woman on abusiness trip whose husband was
15,000 miles away, or whatever.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Why would you want a sweaty short jabbering
leprechaun?

Speaker 1 (22:52):
because then she didn't have to spend 40 drinking
a bottle and a half of wine atthe hotel lobby to strike out.

Speaker 3 (22:58):
You were there, bro well, yeah, and I mean, how
could you blame her?
You're walking around in a halfshirt and little tight fucking
gym shorts Bottom of your butt.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
How old is this?

Speaker 3 (23:10):
woman.

Speaker 2 (23:11):
If I had to guess, I'd say mid fifties, early
fifties, early to mid.
Oh, sorry about that.
No, that's the wrong one.

Speaker 3 (23:30):
So and again, I was just looking at the money,
thinking dude, oh my god, that'smore than I made on niches
today.
So what did?

Speaker 1 (23:33):
you say to her jack I ?

Speaker 2 (23:36):
I kind of fumbled through my words.
I didn't like, I don't evenknow if I even said anything to
her.
Did she grab the money from theroom?

Speaker 1 (23:43):
she went back in the room.
I'll be right back.
She said or hold on, be rightback.

Speaker 2 (23:46):
She said or hold on a second, not really, she just
implied the conversation wasstill continuing.
She's continuing theconversation and she kind of
walked back in the room like Iknew she was coming back.
She didn't say hold there, waitthere a second, I have
something for you.
She just kind of okay, I justwaited there.

Speaker 1 (24:02):
So a stack of $100 bills, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
it was stacked, it was like folded, or we talked it
was like folded in half, andthen she starts like going like
this with them, like peoplecan't see you so she's rubbing
them together sort of like fanout halfway, kind of fanning
them out, but not like openingthem all up so there could be
like singles underneath three,three, one hundred dollar bills,

(24:26):
I don't know.
But still I got my intentionand I was just like I didn't
know what to do or what to sayand really I did not say
anything.
I turned and walked away downthe hall, I got my shit and I
got the hell out of there and I,oh man, I, she didn't, I didn't

(24:46):
.
She might have said something.
I don't know.
I had, uh, I had some earbudsin and she, she could have
yelled something.
I don't know.
I was, I was fucking, I wasweirded out.

Speaker 1 (24:57):
I was fucking weirded out this could have became a
story you never told, bro epic,you came out rich.

Speaker 2 (25:06):
I told my wife immediately on the ride home.
I had to.
I could not not tell somebody.
Well, because nothing happened.
You should have just called me.
I didn't know you.
Then this is before I knew youcould have had the money.

Speaker 1 (25:22):
oh, dude, you could only imagine what she wanted to
do, dude I.
It was.
What do you think she wanted todo, dude I?
What do you think she wanted todo, like gamble Wrestle?
You think she just wanted to belike here's 100.
I don't know she could have.

Speaker 2 (25:34):
She's like want to play, she wanted to have fun.
She showed me money.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (25:38):
Where does that consist of?
I'm assuming he wanted hissalad tossed.

Speaker 1 (25:44):
Wait, who's he?
Tony's convinced that this.
This suit wearing woman Is aman.
You guys, silence your fuckingphone.
That's Tony's, I don't thinkthat was mine.

Speaker 3 (25:58):
Why do?

Speaker 1 (25:58):
you even let your phones make noise.
You losers.

Speaker 2 (26:00):
That's a stupid android sound.

Speaker 1 (26:03):
Golly.
So Jay's out here In Center ofthe state 15 hours away and he
can't.

Speaker 2 (26:12):
He's got this lady trying to give him money for sex
he doesn't even know how toreact maybe she just wanted me
to change your light bulb.
She was gonna give me somemoney to do that give me a break
.
It was flickering those are.

Speaker 1 (26:24):
Those are annoying, flickering.
Was she holding the switchwhile it was flickering?
Those are annoying.
It was flickering.
Was she holding the switchwhile it was flickering?

Speaker 2 (26:28):
It sounds like a made-up story I'm going to tell
you right now.
When I went in there, or wentclose to there, to see the light
bulb, it was not flickering,but it's so.
You know what?
Whatever.

Speaker 1 (26:38):
She didn't have no flickering lights.

Speaker 2 (26:40):
Oh man, I was like I was thinking to myself wait a
second, I already redid yourniche in this room.
What else do you?

Speaker 3 (26:46):
want me to do.
We're going to do a forinstance here.
No, let's just say for onesecond that you never married
your beautiful wife, you neverhad those kids.
Oh, you were a single, singleman.
Now I'm assuming by yourdescription of of him he wasn't

(27:08):
your cup of tea, he wasn't no,no, he wasn't your thing.
He wouldn't be somebody youwould bring home to your parents
she has.

Speaker 2 (27:17):
She had dark short hair.

Speaker 3 (27:20):
She just looked butchy, like I thought she was
lesbian right, or just becominga woman, just figuring it out,
you know, on his own she had alittle stubble on the chin, so
all right what's so funny, chris?

Speaker 1 (27:38):
all right.

Speaker 3 (27:40):
So so you're a single man, same situation you're.
You're in your lieutenantdangle shorts for marina, for
reno 911, fuck out of.

Speaker 1 (27:50):
If you don't know what that is, look it up.

Speaker 3 (27:52):
Frosted Tips.
Frosted Tips Lead singer of avery successful local band that
has nothing to do with anythingat all, and you go to this hotel
room.
You cross the threshold intothis sex dungeon of a hotel room
.
You cross the threshold intothis sex dungeon of a hotel room

(28:13):
that this lady's staying in andshe presents you with a stack
of 10 $100 bills $1,000, that'snot that much 15 years ago I
made that doing 10 niches.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
Actually I made more than that doing yeah, all day
running up.
15 years ago I made that doing10 niches.
Actually I made more than thatAll day Running up and down the
stairs, busting your ass.

Speaker 3 (28:38):
This is going to take .
Less than 10 minutes of yourtime and one beat of sweat
that's all it's going to costyou.

Speaker 2 (28:45):
Are you kidding me?
This girl is your size.
I don't even know.
She would have killed me.
She would have probably hurt me.

Speaker 3 (28:55):
I get the whole picture you're trying to paint.
You know the pit bull and thechihuahua we get it.

Speaker 2 (29:01):
This was David versus Goliath.

Speaker 3 (29:03):
I'm asking Guess who David was.
Listen to me, listen to me Inthis super single J situation.
Listen to me in this supersingle J situation.
You're, you're upwards ofsomewhere between eight and 10
hours from home.
There's a thousand dollarsbeing put into your face and she

(29:29):
hands you a piece of paper andyou at the paper and it's dated
for that day and it's a cleanbill of health from a medical
physician.
Negative AIDS, negative herp,negative syphilis Risks.
No chlamydia anymore, no risks,okay.

Speaker 1 (29:48):
I get your point on that.
You're at zero risk.
He can't get pregnant.
You can't knock him up do youtake that money?

Speaker 3 (30:01):
do you take that money and blow the back out of
that man?

Speaker 2 (30:05):
first off, first off.

Speaker 3 (30:12):
I think Chris is having a heart attack.

Speaker 2 (30:14):
You said blow the back out of that man.
What the fuck else is he goingto do?
Visuals on that are endless.
Okay, first off, no, I'm moreof a timid person.
I'm not a sexual person.

Speaker 1 (30:33):
Well, that's what the money's for to get you out of
your intimidation.

Speaker 3 (30:37):
It's $1,000,.
Jay, that's not that much money.

Speaker 2 (30:40):
You can't say like give me a 50 in there, like give
me a 50-something, okay, it's1,050.

Speaker 3 (30:49):
It's 1,05.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
Fifty five every penny he had I think I got a
little more of my merch whathappened?

Speaker 2 (31:02):
are you okay?

Speaker 3 (31:03):
was it the sprite?
All right, to persuade you.
He's willing to go get an extra300 out of the atm.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
Or out of his fucking wallet, because there was more
than fucking that in there.
It was more than 10 of them, doyou?

Speaker 3 (31:17):
take that money, tony .
There's no AIDS, there's nopregnancy.
All right, fine, you're single.
This is what I'm going to do.
You're in a foreign land, overan hour away from home.

Speaker 1 (31:29):
I think the only qualifier.
I think the only qualifier thatI need.
Since Jay can't seem to come upwith an answer, I'm going to
give you one.
Okay, go.

Speaker 2 (31:37):
I'm going to kick him in the balls, take his money
and run.
No, you're not.
Why can't I?
I'm quick and it's a girl.
First off.

Speaker 1 (31:46):
I'd have to do a turn and cough to make sure it
wasn't a man.
If it was not a man and I wassingle, I'm all over them monies
.
I'm all over them monies.
If this was how long, 20 yearsago, no no, 15 years ago.

Speaker 2 (32:02):
Okay, maybe I knew you.

Speaker 3 (32:04):
I just never told you I'm blowing a load on the back
and I'm getting the fuck up outof there.

Speaker 2 (32:08):
This was uh, this was 5 no, this is like 10 years on
the back and I'm getting thefuck up out of there.
This was five.
No, this is like ten years.

Speaker 1 (32:15):
I can't believe you got propositioned for money, for
not even for sex.
All you had to do in there isgo in there and play slippery
slit twister.

Speaker 2 (32:26):
She just wanted to play Scrabble.
Listen, I was never given anymoney.

Speaker 1 (32:35):
She never looked at me and said hey, you could have
this money if you come in hereand play Guess who with me, If
somebody even today, if tomorrow, even today I had somebody, a
woman, come out, or even a guy,I guess, and have money For a
thousand.

Speaker 3 (32:51):
I guess they have money.

Speaker 1 (32:52):
I would thousand bucks, I think my wife would, I
would I would run that so closeto the line without actually
doing anything before I said no,you walked away as soon as she
grabbed her purse?

Speaker 2 (33:06):
no, I saw the money and it took me a little bit.

Speaker 1 (33:08):
But when she started to ask, I just can't believe you
didn't find out more Like whatdo you remember?

Speaker 2 (33:13):
All the details of what you said.
I was literally.
I went blank.
Everything turned dark.
I didn't know what to do.

Speaker 1 (33:20):
I thought I was about to get raped.
What kind of party are wetalking about, and that doesn't
happen, Are there other peoplecoming?

Speaker 2 (33:28):
No, I don't know.
I mean maybe.
Maybe we're going to play dice.

Speaker 3 (33:34):
I think the moral of this story is you're stupid for
not finding out more.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 (33:40):
You have to keep pushing.
I didn't even know how to findout more, Tony.
If I had to find out more, Ithink something might have
happened.

Speaker 1 (33:45):
I might have changed two light bulbs.
You just have to stay waiting.
Oh yeah, man, light bulbs.
You just have to stay waiting.

Speaker 3 (33:52):
Oh yeah, man, this story could have been epic, like
I said it could have becameepic.

Speaker 1 (33:56):
It could have became a story you never told.

Speaker 3 (33:58):
The most epic of all she could have got you in the
room and bill cosby'd you that'strue too.

Speaker 1 (34:04):
It could have turned out real bad.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
You could have woke up with a sore ass and broke see
, that's another thing I wasworried about too.
You know how I am about alcohol.
I'll drink anything she puts itin front of me.
I don't care if it's like bloodcolored, I'll drink it if I
think there's alcohol in there.
So yes, cosby is going to comeand fucking Cosby me.

Speaker 3 (34:27):
I don't even know how to, so are you still dodging my
question?

Speaker 1 (34:32):
Are.
I don't even know how to.

Speaker 3 (34:33):
So are you still dodging my question.
Are you gonna answer?

Speaker 2 (34:37):
you taking the money?
No, a single j.
No, dude, I'm taking it, I'mgonna take.

Speaker 3 (34:39):
No, I know you would have fucked her for free no no
single j dude, I don't yep, nope, yep no yeah, if10,000, there's
definitely $10,000.
You don't think I'm worth?

Speaker 2 (34:52):
$10,000,.

Speaker 3 (34:53):
Tony.

Speaker 2 (34:54):
Come on, how much am I worth?
Let's go around the circleright now.
How much am I worth?

Speaker 3 (35:02):
Just for pure sex.
How much do I think a womanwould be willing to pay you for?

Speaker 2 (35:06):
sex.
This is getting weird.

Speaker 3 (35:07):
Yeah, how much Less than $200.
Yeah, how much Less than 200bucks.
Okay Now, how much are youworth Less than 200 bucks?

Speaker 1 (35:14):
How much is Chris worth?
Less than 200 bucks.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
Nobody's paying to have sex with me, give me a real
domination.

Speaker 3 (35:20):
Nobody's paying me A denomination.
A denomination, I would say,all three of us together could
run a train for less than $150.

Speaker 1 (35:30):
I think, 50 bucks a man and we'd have to sign a
disclosure allowing them tovideotape and distribute the
material.

Speaker 3 (35:38):
You think about how lucky Okay, listen, dude, I
can't believe this story.
You think about how lucky youare.

Speaker 1 (35:44):
Let me tell you another story Just a very short
no, that's a different story.

Speaker 2 (35:47):
No no no, just really quick, really quick.

Speaker 3 (35:49):
This is about the other time I was offered money
for sex.

Speaker 2 (35:54):
No this wasn't money.

Speaker 3 (35:56):
I was at my I was offered Pokemon cards for sex
one time.

Speaker 2 (36:00):
It's a fucking Charizard man, charizard, I was
that's only fucking because Iknow Pokemon now, because my
kids like that shit.

Speaker 3 (36:12):
Bro, it was a Gem in 10 Series 2.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
No, I was at a bar.
This dude asked me to have sexwith his wife.
He'll tape it.

Speaker 3 (36:21):
And I said fuck no, and she was very attractive,
very attractive.

Speaker 2 (36:26):
That's another story too.
I didn't do that.
Why would I do it for money?
Were you single?
Yeah, I was single then.
I don't think I was even 21.
You fucking loser Dude.
I am not going to have anotherman Videotaping me Having sex
with his wife.

Speaker 3 (36:44):
That's fucking weird.
I can't believe we used to befriends.

Speaker 2 (36:49):
I'm not even fucking joking about this.
There's five people.
Wait a minute, there's fivepeople that can even testify
against it, or testify againstit For it and say, hey, jay, I
probably would have done thesame thing.
They went with what I said.
They might have killed me ortook me to Taiwan and made me
work for five pennies.
Think about how wet yourfuneral would have been.
This man died, or took him toTaiwan and made him work for

(37:10):
five pennies an hour.

Speaker 3 (37:11):
Think about how lit your funeral would have been.
This man died doing what heloved.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
Here we have videos of him in his last moments of
life.
Oh no.

Speaker 3 (37:30):
Oh man, that's another episode right there.

Speaker 1 (37:32):
Oh, that is Would you let someone you wouldn't let.
No, dude, that's fucking crazyman, you would never let someone
record you having sex.

Speaker 2 (37:40):
Okay, what about with your wife?
Yeah, that's fine.
Would you hire?

Speaker 1 (37:44):
a professional photographer.
Let's get Kevin on the line.
Yeah, how far does Kevin go?
Multiple camera angles.

Speaker 3 (37:53):
Kevin, kevin, I need your pendulum, kevin, I need
every camera you have?

Speaker 1 (37:57):
How low can you get Kev?
I need you to do audio andvideo If you can believe this my
wife is even shorter than I am.

Speaker 2 (38:06):
Listen to me.
Basically this was 20-someyears ago, so there were still
cameras that could just holdsomewhere.
He had a fucking, giant fuckingtelevision camera that he had
to walk around.

Speaker 3 (38:17):
No, I'm just saying that's what they had.
Then he brought it to the baron his shoulder.

Speaker 2 (38:22):
I'm guessing that's what he had A giant fucking VHS
camera that you could barelyhold on your shoulder because
it's 80 pounds and you're tryingto get a zoom in on your dick
or vagina and it's just fallingoff.

Speaker 3 (38:34):
Oh man, so heavy.
The tripod had to be made outof lumber.

Speaker 2 (38:38):
Yeah, or like they had to build another house, so
you said this was pre-21.

Speaker 3 (38:43):
I was 20.

Speaker 2 (38:44):
I was around 20.
I know I was under 21.

Speaker 3 (38:46):
So were you at a bar illegally or was this at your
Jehovah's?
Witness church.

Speaker 2 (38:54):
I was at my grandfather's bar, which I could
get in there when I was 17.
Your grandfather set this upfor you.
No, he was retired then.
Alright.

Speaker 3 (39:06):
Nothing in that bar is worth banging.

Speaker 1 (39:09):
I take it back.

Speaker 3 (39:11):
They ask your grandpa first.
He's like I'll go talk to mygrandkid.

Speaker 2 (39:15):
I could give you five hours of stories in that bar.
That's just one story, but I'mnot going to.

Speaker 1 (39:23):
There for another episode, another top shelf story
.

Speaker 3 (39:30):
Would you take money to have sex?
Let us know on the interweb.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
Thank you for listening to this episode of Top
Shelf Stories Next week.
It'll be a doozy.
We have no idea what it is, butit'll be there.
Thanks for listening.
See you later.
Oh my God.

Speaker 3 (39:47):
That sounds stupid.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
Bye.