November 18, 2025 • 36 mins
We trade raw, funny, and painful school memories to ask why bathroom rules often ignore biology and dignity. From a first-grade accident to a gym-class puddle, a fierce grandpa, and a strict teacher who still taught respect, we trace how authority can help or harm.
• bathroom limits leading to real harm
• a grandfather confronting school leadership
• discipline versus dignity in gym class
• how one kind teacher protected a student
• parenting rules for true restroom emergencies
• why certain teachers shape lifelong memory
Thank you for listening this is our podcast and respect teachers and uh they gotta if you gotta go man just go just gotta go if you gotta go
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_04 (00:01):
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_05 (00:19):
What's up, everybody?
SPEAKER_04 (00:21):
Yo, Tom.
Hey, Tony, what's going on?
Can you hear me now?
SPEAKER_05 (00:25):
Well, today, today I got what possibly could be a top
shelf story, although it mightnot be top shelf.
I don't know.
Okay.
Um, so I had a little timebetween appointments before I
got here today.
Uh so was it was it about uhdisease that you have or
something?
So here's the deal.
(00:45):
I I was over on the side oftown, which I'm not in too
often.
Uh that side of town rarelyhires me for work.
Uh and and that happens to bethe side of town that my mother
lives on.
So I was gonna be driving kindof right by her house.
So I call her up and I'm like,yo, bitch, make me a cup of
(01:07):
coffee.
I gotta take a piss.
I'm gonna stop over for aminute.
Well, your mom doesn't listen,so so I get there, and you know,
the coffee's brewing andbathrooms.
She warmed up the seat and madesure everything was like
smelling good and stuff inthere.
Why do you need a warm seat withKavanaugh's hover?
I want to know.
What is that seat, dude?
Just to just to warm the room.
(01:28):
You need a new microphone.
SPEAKER_04 (01:30):
What's wrong with my microphone?
SPEAKER_05 (01:32):
It keeps crackling.
You better buy you better buy anew one.
I think I think your cord.
No, that's a brand new cord.
I've been fiddling.
SPEAKER_02 (01:40):
It's his microphone.
SPEAKER_05 (01:41):
Go ahead, Chris.
It's not the microphone.
I mean, go ahead, Tony.
That thing's pristine.
It's a Jed Freeze a microphone.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
My button doesn't even work anymore.
SPEAKER_04 (01:48):
I'm on and off, and it's it's always what is the the
there's like sure mics are good.
This is a sure mic.
There's another one that's good,but this one, this is a Samson.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
This is a Sure Mike.
Are you reading the name?
SPEAKER_04 (02:02):
It's a Samson.
It says Samson.
I got good mics.
Oh, you're right.
I'll bring mics.
SPEAKER_05 (02:08):
Wait, that one I think it's a Samsonite.
I was way off.
Okay.
Anyways.
Well, well, how does she warmthe seat up?
Uh, she uses a hair hairdryer.
SPEAKER_04 (02:20):
I just thought you meant she took a quick dump
before you.
SPEAKER_01 (02:23):
Ah disgusting.
Or sit on there like that.
SPEAKER_05 (02:26):
But anyway, I got I go over there and my brother's
two kids are there.
His two youngest daughters.
And uh um his one daughter Whyweren't they at school?
Because it was four o'clock.
Fair enough.
Continue.
Um he didn't say the time.
(02:46):
So the one daughter is is verymuch so.
She's eight years old.
But she is very much so agossip.
Like, if you tell her a secret,she will make sure she tells
everybody about it.
SPEAKER_02 (03:05):
So do you tell her to not say anything?
It's a secret.
SPEAKER_05 (03:08):
So she she had, yeah.
Oh, dude, if you tell her it's asecret.
She wants to tell it more.
Yeah.
She she will like she's like,hold on a minute, go live.
Yeah, hold on.
Hold on a second, Tad.
Can you text these seven peoplefor me?
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
Let me get 15 likes, I'll let you know the secret.
SPEAKER_05 (03:26):
Um sorry, Chris.
I'm stealing your so apparentlyshe had a little problem uh at
school today, and she had to usethe bathroom.
How old's she?
She's like eight.
SPEAKER_00 (03:39):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (03:39):
She had to use the bathroom, and uh her teacher
wouldn't let her and told herthat they have they have like
some kind of rule institutedwhere you're allowed to like
leave class and go to thebathroom like two times in a
week or two times in a month orsomething.
(03:59):
It was something ridiculous.
SPEAKER_04 (04:01):
Like probably to keep them from vaping.
unknown (04:05):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (04:06):
At eight?
SPEAKER_02 (04:07):
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
At eight.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
They got views.
Get the fuck out of here.
They don't even sell vapesanymore.
Search your kids' room.
Kids do not have vape.
My vapes are around all over theplace.
Yeah.
I never seen them using them.
Yeah.
They do got them stashed.
Well, that's why some aremissing.
I can't find them.
(04:28):
Like I got some that aremissing, I can never find.
Vape compartment.
Vape compartment.
SPEAKER_04 (04:32):
You got a nicotine inch?
SPEAKER_05 (04:34):
Vape compartment.
I like that.
That was good.
But uh she she was talking abouthow she had to hold it.
My mom had told her a story likeright before I got there.
And it was about the time thatthis happened to me when I was
in first grade.
SPEAKER_00 (04:54):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (04:55):
And uh um when I was in first grade, I had a teacher
and it was her first yearteaching.
And I remember I I bet you Icouldn't name five of my
teachers' names all the wayuntil the end of high school.
(05:18):
Like I They had names?
Yeah.
Okay.
Um I like I don't remember anyof these people that that uh
sculpted and molded me into theman I am today.
I don't remember any of them.
SPEAKER_02 (05:35):
Well, you don't remember the ones that sculpted?
You don't remember the onesunless they did sculpt you.
SPEAKER_05 (05:39):
Like you're remembering the one that I
remember sculpted you.
I remember this teacher becauseshe was first year out of
college.
Uh my first grade teacher, andPhoenix Carter.
I was gonna say, yeah, she hadboobs hanging out or something.
She would not let me go to thebathroom.
SPEAKER_02 (05:58):
Unless she was with you.
SPEAKER_05 (06:00):
Oh, this is where you got raped?
No, this is not where I gotraped.
The rape came a couple yearslater.
The first time any male has everbeen raped.
SPEAKER_04 (06:09):
Uh it was attempted rape.
It was an attempted rape.
SPEAKER_05 (06:12):
Okay, sorry.
And I derailed it by telling hershe was gross, which she
probably still has a complexabout.
She slap you and you she's like,I am so disgusting.
A ten and a half year oldwouldn't let me suck his dick.
SPEAKER_02 (06:28):
That's not rape.
Rape would be okay.
Never mind.
I'm done.
SPEAKER_04 (06:33):
No, this we established in last week's
episode that Jay does not knowthe definition.
It has nothing to do with youreyes, Jay.
Okay?
Nothing to do with your eyes.
SPEAKER_05 (06:44):
But this teacher would not let me use the
bathroom, and I urged her thatit was an emergency, and she
told me no.
And I remember taking the mostvolume of a shit I ever remember
in my life.
(07:06):
It ran down to the back of myknees in my first grade class.
SPEAKER_02 (07:11):
Ew.
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_05 (07:13):
And I remember other kids walking around me telling
saying like just randomly, like,oh, it smells like dookie.
And I had to pretend like Ididn't smell anything, even
though my whole asshole regionwas was fucking soaking brown
(07:36):
liquid through it and runningall the way down to my sock.
unknown (07:40):
Oh.
SPEAKER_05 (07:41):
And this was like bro, this was like the first
hour of the day.
SPEAKER_02 (07:49):
I do have a I do have a story like that, but I'll
I'll tell you after you're I'lltell it after you're done.
SPEAKER_05 (07:54):
And I uh I just had to pretend like it wasn't there
and just fucking deal with it.
And I got home and after schoolat that time in my life, my mom
was a single mom and she had ajob and she worked until like
five o'clock.
And uh my grandparents livedlike a block from us, and after
(08:17):
school, I would walk to theirhouse.
And uh so me and my buddieswalk.
My buddies are still saying,like, man, it smells like really
old dried shit right now.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No one knows you yet?
No, I'm sure I'm sure they allknew, and they were just
throwing around like thesenonchalant comments.
SPEAKER_02 (08:37):
Like, in class, there's not there's not a mess
near your desk.
SPEAKER_05 (08:41):
Teacher didn't say hey, bro.
There was there was a smearedpuddle of shit on my chair.
SPEAKER_02 (08:48):
So the teacher didn't mean like, hey, Tony, can
I help you out?
Let's take you to the nurse'soffice.
No, no, nothing.
It's crazy.
So they just went bypass thepoint of you shitting in your
fucking.
SPEAKER_05 (09:00):
So I went I went home after school.
And now take into consideration,uh I'm I don't know, seven or
eight at this time, whatever,whatever you are in first grade.
Six, seven?
You're seven or eight.
Yeah.
Fucking ass.
I don't fucking know.
You're seven or eight.
Seven and eight.
I'm trying seven turning eight.
Seven turning eight.
(09:21):
So I'm seven turning eight.
And uh six, seven.
I get to my grandpa's houseafter school.
And now taking intoconsideration, at this time my
grandpa's probably sixty-sevenyears old.
As soon as you walk in, he'slike, get your ass in the shower
(09:45):
right now, you little stinkykid.
No, you know, my grandpa wasretired at this time, and and he
led a hard, a hard man's life.
Like a lot, a life that none ofus pussies sitting around this
table had ever seen.
That guy's seen war times.
He worked in a fucking foundryhis whole life.
(10:08):
He uh was the oldest son of like10 kids.
Uh he had to help like raise hiswhole fucking family.
He was a golden gloves boxer.
Like, my grandpa has had a hardfucking man's life.
And all these little fuckingpussies nowadays, like, I'm
(10:30):
gonna be an influencer when Igrow up.
Like, they will never know whatit's like to have a fucking life
like that.
And now my grandpa's trying toenjoy his retirement, you don't
need to have it, but because mydad was a piece of shit, now
he's fucking raising somebodyelse's kids for several hours of
his day every day.
(10:51):
So he's not thrilled about it tobegin with.
And and I get home and mygrandpa's sitting on his
recliner watching price isright, like every day.
And he looks over at me and hegoes, You smell like shit.
(11:12):
And I said, Well, grandpa Ipooped in my pants.
Well, you reactivated by sittingdown.
And and he goes, What do youmean you pooped in your pants?
He goes, Why didn't you go tothe bathroom?
And I said, I asked my teacherlike three different times if I
could use the bathroom, and shetold me no.
(11:33):
And I said it was an emergencyand I didn't have a choice.
And my grandpa threw me, well,he changed my pants.
And uh I remember I remember mygrandpa like, let me see.
And he said that I was just rawand chapped from my fucking
(11:57):
lower back all the way down tomy my sock.
Just that acid y shit.
That would burn so burning myskin all day.
Damn.
And I remember he made mechange, take a shower, and then
we got in his car, and he droveme to the school, and I begged
(12:19):
him.
I begged him not to fucking goback to the school and throw a
fit.
And uh my grandpa got in ascreaming match with my
principal at the time, and noblows were exchanged, but my
grandpa did grab him by hiscollar and uh like fucking throw
(12:42):
him against the wall and tellhim my grandson doesn't even
have to ask to go use thebathroom.
He gets up and he goes to thebathroom when he needs to go.
SPEAKER_02 (12:53):
So you think so uh this this is the principal's
rule?
This was brought upon him.
SPEAKER_04 (12:59):
No, but the the buck stops there, and plus he was
probably the only one left tosee.
But come on, my grandpa's justfucking rank dolling this other
grown man.
It was actually the janitor.
SPEAKER_02 (13:10):
How can you blame the principal when your teacher
should have visually noticed apool of shit and or smelled it
coming from the classroom andpoint pinpointed where it came
from?
Buddy, I don't I don't evenfucking know.
You don't call me buddy.
SPEAKER_05 (13:26):
I'm your brother.
Hey, bud.
I'm your brother.
Settle down.
All I'm saying is my grandparagdolled my principal for my
teacher, which honestly he hasnothing to do with.
(13:50):
Because of the situation.
There there were other thingslike it was her first year
teaching.
She put her boob in your mouth.
No.
Uh so the one thing is thatthat's really kind of bizarre
with this teacher is that atthat time I was, I don't know,
(14:13):
somewhere between six and ten, Ithink we established.
But six and eighteen.
Like many little poor boys thatexisted at that time.
Um, my main priority in life wasto catch and house bugs.
(14:38):
And that was not my priority atall.
No, no, well, you obviouslyweren't poor then.
You probably had toys andwhatnot.
I had to go catch grasshoppersand stuff.
SPEAKER_02 (14:48):
I did actually do that a lot.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, stop touching it, Chris.
SPEAKER_04 (14:52):
I had to catch uh bugs to feed my little newt
thing or whatever.
There you go.
SPEAKER_05 (14:57):
So I was like I was like a magician at catching
garden snakes when I wassomewhere between six and ten.
See, I had never even seen asnake in my life.
Uh it's kind of funny because mysix-year-old, who is either in
kindergarten or first grade, Idon't know, I don't pay
attention enough to know.
Uh he found a garden snake onhis playground, and he said that
(15:25):
he's the most popular kid in hisclass because he was the only
one who had enough bravery topick the snake up.
And he was the king walkingaround with the garden snake.
And he said, one of his friends,um put it in his pocket.
No, he's like, My friend Leviseen that since I wasn't afraid
of it, that he shouldn't beafraid of it, and he touched it
(15:48):
after me, but he goes, I was theone who picked it up.
But um, for show and tell, Iwould I would always bring
because I didn't have shit tobring in to show anybody, so I
would bring in my fuckingwhatever I had fucking living in
a peanut butter container with alittle hole punched in the top,
(16:10):
uh, in the class, and everybodyin fucking class loved it, which
then uh prompted the teacher tostart this like little
collection of random littleanimals in the class.
Oh, so you started something.
(16:31):
So I I started that, and shewould actually ended up being uh
both of my brothers' teachers,even though uh um you know you
would think the school wouldhave done whatever they can to
keep my siblings out of herclass after my grandfather rag
(16:53):
dolled this fucking.
SPEAKER_04 (16:54):
Well, you stayed in the class for the rest of the
year.
You only shit yourself the onetime.
SPEAKER_05 (16:58):
That was only the one time, and I think I think it
was pretty early in the year.
But uh uh so that teacheractually um throughout her
entire career, all thirtysomething years, uh always kept
like random fucking salamandersand a garden snake and all this
(17:23):
shit in her class and actuallykept this uh um cared for these
things to to be like a talkingpoint with with the kids.
Did they put a and andironically I run into this
teacher almost every year of myadult life?
SPEAKER_04 (17:45):
Have you sat in her shorts yet?
SPEAKER_05 (17:47):
Let her know how it feels.
No, she uh she did she did tellme the last time I seen her,
which was uh at the Italiancommunity center at an event
they have called Taste of Italy.
Uh I've heard.
Never been invited, Tony.
Dude, it's the best.
I've heard.
Go every year.
That's what I know.
SPEAKER_02 (18:08):
And uh never get an invite.
I don't want to eat that muchfood.
It's not that much food at all.
No, I thought you just like walkaround plate uh tables and they
just pile on fucking spaghettiand meatballs until your plate
can't hold it.
It's not it at all.
SPEAKER_05 (18:23):
You buy tickets and you walk around a room that has
70 things available, andwhatever ticket you have, you
use it to buy these littlesampling size versions of these
items.
SPEAKER_00 (18:38):
All right.
SPEAKER_05 (18:39):
And uh I ran into her and she said that uh through
her whole teaching career, theKavanaugh boys made the biggest
impact in her teaching career.
Because of the size of theirdicks.
I don't think that was it,actually.
Yeah, no, I don't think uh Idon't think you know my
(19:02):
somewhere between six and tenyear old little gummy bear I had
was really that impressive too.
SPEAKER_02 (19:08):
I thought it was six and ten inches you had at that
age.
SPEAKER_05 (19:11):
No, six to ten age range for first grade.
I don't I don't know.
SPEAKER_04 (19:16):
So do you think that she would do you think that she
regretted it or did she knowwhat kind of mistakes she had
made with the poop situation?
SPEAKER_05 (19:27):
Well, I don't know, but what I can tell you is I
don't I don't remember anystories of my other two brothers
shitting themselves in herclass.
So I think I might have actuallyhelped the future generations.
SPEAKER_02 (19:43):
If you ever been around uh fresh shit, you and
you're in a small classroom,you're gonna know someone had
something happened next and ithappened.
SPEAKER_04 (19:56):
Yeah, there's uh whoever smelt it delta game you
might be able to play with yourfriends when you fart it, and
they're like, Okay, who fartedit?
You did, you smelled it, youknow.
SPEAKER_02 (20:05):
You go beyond the smell the delta look and see,
and then when you got chicksshit soaked when it smelled
fucking blue jeans, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (20:14):
I know.
And it's like 20 minutes intothe day.
SPEAKER_02 (20:19):
So we um and Chris probably can can test contest to
this.
Uh I had this gym teacher, hername was Miss Raywald.
Miss Rawald, man.
Miss Raywald.
She does like what's her wife'sname.
Uh yeah, she's definitelydefinitely like the girls.
Um, she is one of the meet herat rugby.
(20:41):
She's she could tackle this shitat anybody.
She is definitely like Tony uhum explained about not knowing a
teacher's name until you likeone makes an impact in your
life.
But I mean, yours was a littlebit different because you shit
in yourself impact it in yourlife.
SPEAKER_04 (20:59):
How did Miss Rawald impact your life?
I was gonna explain it now.
SPEAKER_02 (21:03):
So that's the reason he's selling the chicks.
Maybe she was a drill sergeantfor sports, she was our gym
teacher, and you had to doeverything perfectly to the T.
When it came to learning how toplay baseball, learning how to
(21:23):
play basketball, every singlelittle thing was drilled down to
the smarter, the spiner, the thesmallest minute uh uh learning
aspect of it.
SPEAKER_05 (21:34):
So, in other words, your parachute up, parachute
down game is on point.
I don't know what that means.
Or was your school not poorenough poor enough to have the
parachute?
SPEAKER_02 (21:45):
Are you talking about like when you go on the
roof and see if an egg breaks?
No.
What are we talking about?
SPEAKER_05 (21:50):
They put they basically put a fucking 20-foot
round tarp in the middle of theroom and everybody has to hold
on to it all the way around andthey go up.
Oh, and then run under it, andthen you get the you go down and
then up and then run underneathit?
Well, some people do eventuallyget it going.
SPEAKER_02 (22:08):
Yeah, we did that.
I lived in West.
This is a West Dallas school.
It wasn't a rich school at all.
SPEAKER_05 (22:14):
West Allis is actually the suburbs to my
neighborhood.
SPEAKER_02 (22:18):
Okay, well, it wasn't rich to me.
And you know, it was there werefights every day, and there was
a lot of bullshit that happened.
But besides that, when I wastalking about the teacher, the
gym teacher, uh, she wasstricter than shit.
She was a drill sergeant.
You couldn't drink out of thebubblers.
Would she just stand over yougoing, grow, goddammit, grow?
SPEAKER_04 (22:38):
I remember my dad being pissed at this lady
because the school had gotten anew gym floor.
And so with the gym floor, youcould not have black souls, you
had to have non-marking souls,and they couldn't be outdoor
shoes.
Yep.
So we had gym shoes, and my dadwas like, How the hell am I
(22:59):
supposed to afford two pairs ofkids?
SPEAKER_05 (23:02):
Where am I gonna get two pairs of Reebok pump with
the CO2?
SPEAKER_04 (23:07):
No, that was grandma that got me that for Christmas.
I remember we had to you my dadwas I remember he was so pissed
off because these shoes that youhad to buy weren't like they
they had to be like boat shoeswith the white soles.
Yeah, no, you couldn't find them100, Chris.
SPEAKER_02 (23:23):
100.
My mom came to one of our fieldtrips, and I remember we went,
it was going through the uh thegym, but she started to walk on
the gym floor with her streetshoes.
And I'm I yelled at my mom,stop! Yeah, Ray Walks walking.
SPEAKER_04 (23:40):
Yes, my kid now goes to this same fucking school, and
they hold things in the gym, andI I am still getting I can walk
in there with a bottle of waterand my street shoes on.
There's bubblers and go inthere.
SPEAKER_02 (23:59):
There's bubblers in the gym.
Water fountain for people notlocal to us.
Yes, thank you.
Never allowed to use them ever.
No, you're not allowed to lookat them, not allowed to use
them.
SPEAKER_03 (24:09):
You're not they're not even there.
SPEAKER_05 (24:11):
I'm assuming, I'm assuming at your school, since
it was in the suburbs, they justput a sign on it that's waxed
only.
SPEAKER_01 (24:19):
This is West Dallas.
This is no suburb around.
This is the city, man.
This is the city.
We didn't take buses to get toschool.
Yeah, take city, but okay, wegotta take buses.
All right, right.
SPEAKER_02 (24:32):
Anyway, yes, and she would make us do the craziest
things.
We had to wash our shoes, ourgym shoes by hand.
SPEAKER_04 (24:41):
There was you it's there was like if you found a
pebble in the crack of the shoe,she was like, Ooh, you would be
beaten by a fucking leatherstick.
And yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (24:50):
She okay, and then if you didn't wash them by hand,
I okay.
So one year I said, fuck this.
I threw them in the the washer,what in in washer and dryer.
Bring them, uh went to school,and she knew that I did not take
the time to wash them by hand.
She knew it was washer, uhthrown to the washer and she
made you go sit in the librarylike it was goddamn Christmas.
(25:14):
That was another joke, that wasanother part of my life.
That was a Jehovah's Witnessjoke.
Yeah, and I did do that, yes,and at General Mitchell.
Um, but yeah, she knew that.
She knew that she would have thecraziest rules.
But ultimately, like I learnedfrom her like respect and
discipline through sports, and Ilearned like I respect her for
(25:37):
it.
I hated her then, but I respecther now.
But what I'm coming down to thestory is when I was at in gym
class, uh, I think we wereplaying um um kickball inside,
and uh it was the exactly thesame thing.
You were not allowed to go tothe bathroom.
She would like you had to holdit or you had to wait for next
(25:58):
period.
And I had a piss so fucking bad,I was terrified to even ask her
because I knew we weren'tallowed to do it unless it was
like emergency.
And I mean it was, but I wasstill afraid of her.
So we were sitting down Indianstyle in a line, waiting to kick
the ball.
I was probably 10th in line.
There was probably another 10kids behind me, and then I
(26:20):
couldn't hold anymore, and Istarted pissing.
I just it just onto the flooronto the floor in Indian style
sitting onto the floor, and itjust started to grow and grow
and grow the the piss puddle.
I think I was growing.
I think I remember I can stillsmell it.
My ass was it didn't smellterrible.
(26:43):
Well, I mean, it didn't smellgreat.
Like we had asparagus for dinnerthe night before.
It was thick, it kept growingand growing, and I kept there's
because there was two kids oneither side of me, and I kept
trying to puddle the water backinto my lap because I didn't
want it to touch them.
I'm like, shit, how do I holdthis lid soaked into my fucking
(27:05):
jeans?
I don't care.
You were like, Miss Johnson,Timmy just pissed all over me.
So uh you start to as the theplayer starts to get uh down the
line and the next player kicksthe ball, you start to move down
the line.
SPEAKER_05 (27:20):
So I started moving using your pant leg to slide
your puddle of piss.
SPEAKER_02 (27:26):
To slide the puddle of piss with me as I went down
the line.
But I the only it it it it Icould only do so much.
So I would talk about it.
SPEAKER_04 (27:34):
It was like one of those life and death situations
where there was like an outerbody Jay telling Jay to be with
him.
You can do it, Jay.
We're merging episodes again.
SPEAKER_02 (27:45):
You use that leg, suck it to the ground.
Squeegee.
So um I I got I moved down threekids because the third kid got
done bat uh kicking the ball,and then I couldn't hold it
anymore.
I couldn't stop it from moving,and then some kid next to me is
like, oh, there's something weton the floor.
SPEAKER_03 (28:05):
Oh, and I was like, it's water.
I hit it, I was on it too.
I think someone used thebubbler.
They shouldn't do that, MissReb.
Someone used the bubbler.
This is why they have a rule tonot use the bubbler.
SPEAKER_05 (28:19):
And to this day, you can still see the discoloration
in that.
I'm gonna check the refinishedmaple floor.
SPEAKER_04 (28:26):
I'm in that, I'm in that arena there, that
basketball court thing, which isway smaller than I remembered as
a kid.
Right.
For my kids' shit, like fivetimes a year, I'll check it out.
SPEAKER_02 (28:37):
It's on the that's on the left side.
So anyway, uh, and I I I went upto I was I stood up and went to
the point where I had to kickthe ball, and then I've everyone
saw I was wet.
And the one thing I respectabout Miss Warewall is she knew
obviously she's not dumb, she'spretty fucking smart.
She knew that it pissed mypants, and she was like, Oh, Jay
(28:59):
really sat in that water, didn'the?
So she fucking he she helped meout, and I I respected that and
I knew that she knew it, but Iwas like, Yeah.
And then like you, Tony, thiswas like middle of the of the uh
uh school day, so like I had toall day long, but it wasn't shit
because that that would havebeen way worse.
Oh, yeah.
But I was I was red just wouldhave been I was just red from
(29:23):
the piss.
I was I was burnt, my legs wereburnt.
I said, Mom, I fucking pissed mypants.
SPEAKER_05 (29:29):
Do you know how hard it is for a six through
ten-year-old to get dried shitoff of the back of their legs in
the shower?
Like you gotta rehydrate it atthat point.
SPEAKER_02 (29:39):
That's what I'm saying.
Gotta reactivate that shit andmake it smell worse.
Ugh.
Just sit in a tub, fill it up,soak it, brush it off, fill it
again, and then get some soapand yeah, gross.
SPEAKER_05 (29:52):
So so it's a rule of thumb in my house, and I I've
never told my kids this fullstory, but I do make sure that
they're well aware.
that if it's a bathroomemergency and and they go
whether or not the teacher saidit was okay they will always
they will I will always havetheir back on it.
SPEAKER_02 (30:15):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (30:15):
If I find out they're abusing it, we got
another fucking situation.
If the teacher calls and saysyour kid got up and and just
decided to go to the bathroomafter I told him no and he came
back smelling like an ashtray.
You know my kid my uh my sixyear old watermelon ashtray my
(30:35):
six year old's teacher's like 22years old.
And they look like kids and shedemands that we call her Miss
and then her last name.
And I'm like I'm not fuckingdoing that.
Like I'm not calling a 21 yearold then what do you call her
Miss Isler?
I don't hey bitch.
I refer to her as hey why okayokay that's way better that's
(31:03):
hey hey hey hey hey that's mykid hey that's my kid doing that
school hey like like her name'sfucking Alison like I'm not
going into my kids' school andbeing like Miss whatever the
whatever with you want you misssitting a little cheapers.
(31:24):
I'm not saying hey Miss Isler'sbut why because she's she's only
22?
Yeah who cares who cares halfhis age who cares who cares my
respect is fucking earned Tonygoes in class and teaching my
kid how to spell cat is not thatbig of an accomplishment why is
that respectful to call someoneMiss the uh flinger whatever her
(31:49):
last name is why is it why isthat it's all respectful I'm
just not doing it.
You're weird you know I I findit off putting when when a kid
calls me Mr Kavanaugh I don'tlike it.
SPEAKER_02 (32:04):
Well because you don't want to feel old yeah I
don't think it's an age welltake your glasses off first off
you look fucking 60 yeah it'sthe look I'm going for.
SPEAKER_04 (32:14):
So my kid play uh is playing tackle football can't
catch chicks with tits that dragon the ground if you don't look
like you're 60.
SPEAKER_02 (32:21):
Yeah that was good my kid's playing tackle football
he didn't feel good one day he'slike I want to stay home mom but
I don't feel good and I'm likewe should probably just let him
stay home uh and she's like ohhe's gotta go he committed he's
gotta go this sounds like youtold me you'd make him go yeah
but he didn't feel good and atuh football practice he shit his
(32:42):
pants everywhere in front of allthe whole team which kid the
middle kid the middle kid that'sbad news yeah and I think it's
got a tough goal already and shefelt terrible for him and I was
like hey I didn't want to makeher feel bad but I was like you
know what I was right you shouldhave listened to me he didn't
feel good shouldn't have senthim who cares about him fucking
(33:03):
going to he practices everysingle fucking day one day he's
not gonna hurt he shit his pantsand he actually had to he shit
more he got to have no porterjohns anywhere around where he's
practicing they were like ahundred two hundred feet from
the school he's gotta go he hadto go in the fucking the the one
of the coaches is like go in thewoods he had to go in the woods
(33:25):
and take his all of his stuffoff his jock strap all that shit
and shit in the woods gotta gogotta go but he already shit all
over him it's just like damnthat must have sucked yeah I
didn't I haven't had it feel Inever shivered I feel pretty
blessed though I could touch myeyeball and not worry about from
(33:46):
last podcast touch my eyeballand I I never had rash from
pooping myself.
Yeah I never had the poopingmyself but I feel like that
would be fucking terrible if youcan't hold it you can't hold it
what are you gonna do can't atthis age I go to the bathroom
yeah oh you already said if youdon't go to shit before you go
to work you get you're in a badmood all day well it messes up
the schedule but these soundlike more emergency dumps that's
(34:10):
a totally different you neverhad an emergency dump totally
different ball game you've eatensome bad shit here before and
you've been in that bathroomyeah yeah but not in my pants
when have you ever not had abathroom near you where you had
to shit you're telling me andyou're telling me you gotta know
where the exits are you'retelling me there's no you've
(34:31):
always had a bathroom near youthese three day hippie concerts
you go to very regulated wellthey shit on the they shit on
the ground next to their tentdon't they no I mean some of
them have to you know we've beenpooped yeah someone's shit
guaranteed someone's shit nextto their tent you guys I don't
(34:52):
know man the teachers thoughthey make an impact is what I
think the episode is about huhyeah I agree I think uh if
someone has made an impact inyour life you won't forget them
ever until the day you die yeahespecially when you shit
yourself I mean you're nevergonna forget that person for
real especially and then I gottarun into her every year as an
(35:13):
adult well she maybe she didn'tknow you shit her maybe she
really didn't know do you evergo up to her and be like hi miss
can I use the bathroom uh we'reFacebook friends too which is
even more weird how old is shenow uh 40 she was younger than
(35:35):
20 63 something when you were akid her first year out of high
school noise noise thank you forlistening this is our podcast
and respect teachers and uh theygotta if you gotta go man just
(35:56):
go just gotta go if you gotta go
Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_05 (00:19):
What's up, everybody?
SPEAKER_04 (00:21):
Yo, Tom.
Hey, Tony, what's going on?
Can you hear me now?
SPEAKER_05 (00:25):
Well, today, today I got what possibly could be a top
shelf story, although it mightnot be top shelf.
I don't know.
Okay.
Um, so I had a little timebetween appointments before I
got here today.
Uh so was it was it about uhdisease that you have or
something?
So here's the deal.
(00:45):
I I was over on the side oftown, which I'm not in too
often.
Uh that side of town rarelyhires me for work.
Uh and and that happens to bethe side of town that my mother
lives on.
So I was gonna be driving kindof right by her house.
So I call her up and I'm like,yo, bitch, make me a cup of
(01:07):
coffee.
I gotta take a piss.
I'm gonna stop over for aminute.
Well, your mom doesn't listen,so so I get there, and you know,
the coffee's brewing andbathrooms.
She warmed up the seat and madesure everything was like
smelling good and stuff inthere.
Why do you need a warm seat withKavanaugh's hover?
I want to know.
What is that seat, dude?
Just to just to warm the room.
(01:28):
You need a new microphone.
SPEAKER_04 (01:30):
What's wrong with my microphone?
SPEAKER_05 (01:32):
It keeps crackling.
You better buy you better buy anew one.
I think I think your cord.
No, that's a brand new cord.
I've been fiddling.
SPEAKER_02 (01:40):
It's his microphone.
SPEAKER_05 (01:41):
Go ahead, Chris.
It's not the microphone.
I mean, go ahead, Tony.
That thing's pristine.
It's a Jed Freeze a microphone.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
My button doesn't even work anymore.
SPEAKER_04 (01:48):
I'm on and off, and it's it's always what is the the
there's like sure mics are good.
This is a sure mic.
There's another one that's good,but this one, this is a Samson.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
This is a Sure Mike.
Are you reading the name?
SPEAKER_04 (02:02):
It's a Samson.
It says Samson.
I got good mics.
Oh, you're right.
I'll bring mics.
SPEAKER_05 (02:08):
Wait, that one I think it's a Samsonite.
I was way off.
Okay.
Anyways.
Well, well, how does she warmthe seat up?
Uh, she uses a hair hairdryer.
SPEAKER_04 (02:20):
I just thought you meant she took a quick dump
before you.
SPEAKER_01 (02:23):
Ah disgusting.
Or sit on there like that.
SPEAKER_05 (02:26):
But anyway, I got I go over there and my brother's
two kids are there.
His two youngest daughters.
And uh um his one daughter Whyweren't they at school?
Because it was four o'clock.
Fair enough.
Continue.
Um he didn't say the time.
(02:46):
So the one daughter is is verymuch so.
She's eight years old.
But she is very much so agossip.
Like, if you tell her a secret,she will make sure she tells
everybody about it.
SPEAKER_02 (03:05):
So do you tell her to not say anything?
It's a secret.
SPEAKER_05 (03:08):
So she she had, yeah.
Oh, dude, if you tell her it's asecret.
She wants to tell it more.
Yeah.
She she will like she's like,hold on a minute, go live.
Yeah, hold on.
Hold on a second, Tad.
Can you text these seven peoplefor me?
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
Let me get 15 likes, I'll let you know the secret.
SPEAKER_05 (03:26):
Um sorry, Chris.
I'm stealing your so apparentlyshe had a little problem uh at
school today, and she had to usethe bathroom.
How old's she?
She's like eight.
SPEAKER_00 (03:39):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (03:39):
She had to use the bathroom, and uh her teacher
wouldn't let her and told herthat they have they have like
some kind of rule institutedwhere you're allowed to like
leave class and go to thebathroom like two times in a
week or two times in a month orsomething.
(03:59):
It was something ridiculous.
SPEAKER_04 (04:01):
Like probably to keep them from vaping.
unknown (04:05):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (04:06):
At eight?
SPEAKER_02 (04:07):
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
At eight.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
They got views.
Get the fuck out of here.
They don't even sell vapesanymore.
Search your kids' room.
Kids do not have vape.
My vapes are around all over theplace.
Yeah.
I never seen them using them.
Yeah.
They do got them stashed.
Well, that's why some aremissing.
I can't find them.
(04:28):
Like I got some that aremissing, I can never find.
Vape compartment.
Vape compartment.
SPEAKER_04 (04:32):
You got a nicotine inch?
SPEAKER_05 (04:34):
Vape compartment.
I like that.
That was good.
But uh she she was talking abouthow she had to hold it.
My mom had told her a story likeright before I got there.
And it was about the time thatthis happened to me when I was
in first grade.
SPEAKER_00 (04:54):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (04:55):
And uh um when I was in first grade, I had a teacher
and it was her first yearteaching.
And I remember I I bet you Icouldn't name five of my
teachers' names all the wayuntil the end of high school.
(05:18):
Like I They had names?
Yeah.
Okay.
Um I like I don't remember anyof these people that that uh
sculpted and molded me into theman I am today.
I don't remember any of them.
SPEAKER_02 (05:35):
Well, you don't remember the ones that sculpted?
You don't remember the onesunless they did sculpt you.
SPEAKER_05 (05:39):
Like you're remembering the one that I
remember sculpted you.
I remember this teacher becauseshe was first year out of
college.
Uh my first grade teacher, andPhoenix Carter.
I was gonna say, yeah, she hadboobs hanging out or something.
She would not let me go to thebathroom.
SPEAKER_02 (05:58):
Unless she was with you.
SPEAKER_05 (06:00):
Oh, this is where you got raped?
No, this is not where I gotraped.
The rape came a couple yearslater.
The first time any male has everbeen raped.
SPEAKER_04 (06:09):
Uh it was attempted rape.
It was an attempted rape.
SPEAKER_05 (06:12):
Okay, sorry.
And I derailed it by telling hershe was gross, which she
probably still has a complexabout.
She slap you and you she's like,I am so disgusting.
A ten and a half year oldwouldn't let me suck his dick.
SPEAKER_02 (06:28):
That's not rape.
Rape would be okay.
Never mind.
I'm done.
SPEAKER_04 (06:33):
No, this we established in last week's
episode that Jay does not knowthe definition.
It has nothing to do with youreyes, Jay.
Okay?
Nothing to do with your eyes.
SPEAKER_05 (06:44):
But this teacher would not let me use the
bathroom, and I urged her thatit was an emergency, and she
told me no.
And I remember taking the mostvolume of a shit I ever remember
in my life.
(07:06):
It ran down to the back of myknees in my first grade class.
SPEAKER_02 (07:11):
Ew.
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_05 (07:13):
And I remember other kids walking around me telling
saying like just randomly, like,oh, it smells like dookie.
And I had to pretend like Ididn't smell anything, even
though my whole asshole regionwas was fucking soaking brown
(07:36):
liquid through it and runningall the way down to my sock.
unknown (07:40):
Oh.
SPEAKER_05 (07:41):
And this was like bro, this was like the first
hour of the day.
SPEAKER_02 (07:49):
I do have a I do have a story like that, but I'll
I'll tell you after you're I'lltell it after you're done.
SPEAKER_05 (07:54):
And I uh I just had to pretend like it wasn't there
and just fucking deal with it.
And I got home and after schoolat that time in my life, my mom
was a single mom and she had ajob and she worked until like
five o'clock.
And uh my grandparents livedlike a block from us, and after
(08:17):
school, I would walk to theirhouse.
And uh so me and my buddieswalk.
My buddies are still saying,like, man, it smells like really
old dried shit right now.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No one knows you yet?
No, I'm sure I'm sure they allknew, and they were just
throwing around like thesenonchalant comments.
SPEAKER_02 (08:37):
Like, in class, there's not there's not a mess
near your desk.
SPEAKER_05 (08:41):
Teacher didn't say hey, bro.
There was there was a smearedpuddle of shit on my chair.
SPEAKER_02 (08:48):
So the teacher didn't mean like, hey, Tony, can
I help you out?
Let's take you to the nurse'soffice.
No, no, nothing.
It's crazy.
So they just went bypass thepoint of you shitting in your
fucking.
SPEAKER_05 (09:00):
So I went I went home after school.
And now take into consideration,uh I'm I don't know, seven or
eight at this time, whatever,whatever you are in first grade.
Six, seven?
You're seven or eight.
Yeah.
Fucking ass.
I don't fucking know.
You're seven or eight.
Seven and eight.
I'm trying seven turning eight.
Seven turning eight.
(09:21):
So I'm seven turning eight.
And uh six, seven.
I get to my grandpa's houseafter school.
And now taking intoconsideration, at this time my
grandpa's probably sixty-sevenyears old.
As soon as you walk in, he'slike, get your ass in the shower
(09:45):
right now, you little stinkykid.
No, you know, my grandpa wasretired at this time, and and he
led a hard, a hard man's life.
Like a lot, a life that none ofus pussies sitting around this
table had ever seen.
That guy's seen war times.
He worked in a fucking foundryhis whole life.
(10:08):
He uh was the oldest son of like10 kids.
Uh he had to help like raise hiswhole fucking family.
He was a golden gloves boxer.
Like, my grandpa has had a hardfucking man's life.
And all these little fuckingpussies nowadays, like, I'm
(10:30):
gonna be an influencer when Igrow up.
Like, they will never know whatit's like to have a fucking life
like that.
And now my grandpa's trying toenjoy his retirement, you don't
need to have it, but because mydad was a piece of shit, now
he's fucking raising somebodyelse's kids for several hours of
his day every day.
(10:51):
So he's not thrilled about it tobegin with.
And and I get home and mygrandpa's sitting on his
recliner watching price isright, like every day.
And he looks over at me and hegoes, You smell like shit.
(11:12):
And I said, Well, grandpa Ipooped in my pants.
Well, you reactivated by sittingdown.
And and he goes, What do youmean you pooped in your pants?
He goes, Why didn't you go tothe bathroom?
And I said, I asked my teacherlike three different times if I
could use the bathroom, and shetold me no.
(11:33):
And I said it was an emergencyand I didn't have a choice.
And my grandpa threw me, well,he changed my pants.
And uh I remember I remember mygrandpa like, let me see.
And he said that I was just rawand chapped from my fucking
(11:57):
lower back all the way down tomy my sock.
Just that acid y shit.
That would burn so burning myskin all day.
Damn.
And I remember he made mechange, take a shower, and then
we got in his car, and he droveme to the school, and I begged
(12:19):
him.
I begged him not to fucking goback to the school and throw a
fit.
And uh my grandpa got in ascreaming match with my
principal at the time, and noblows were exchanged, but my
grandpa did grab him by hiscollar and uh like fucking throw
(12:42):
him against the wall and tellhim my grandson doesn't even
have to ask to go use thebathroom.
He gets up and he goes to thebathroom when he needs to go.
SPEAKER_02 (12:53):
So you think so uh this this is the principal's
rule?
This was brought upon him.
SPEAKER_04 (12:59):
No, but the the buck stops there, and plus he was
probably the only one left tosee.
But come on, my grandpa's justfucking rank dolling this other
grown man.
It was actually the janitor.
SPEAKER_02 (13:10):
How can you blame the principal when your teacher
should have visually noticed apool of shit and or smelled it
coming from the classroom andpoint pinpointed where it came
from?
Buddy, I don't I don't evenfucking know.
You don't call me buddy.
SPEAKER_05 (13:26):
I'm your brother.
Hey, bud.
I'm your brother.
Settle down.
All I'm saying is my grandparagdolled my principal for my
teacher, which honestly he hasnothing to do with.
(13:50):
Because of the situation.
There there were other thingslike it was her first year
teaching.
She put her boob in your mouth.
No.
Uh so the one thing is thatthat's really kind of bizarre
with this teacher is that atthat time I was, I don't know,
(14:13):
somewhere between six and ten, Ithink we established.
But six and eighteen.
Like many little poor boys thatexisted at that time.
Um, my main priority in life wasto catch and house bugs.
(14:38):
And that was not my priority atall.
No, no, well, you obviouslyweren't poor then.
You probably had toys andwhatnot.
I had to go catch grasshoppersand stuff.
SPEAKER_02 (14:48):
I did actually do that a lot.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, stop touching it, Chris.
SPEAKER_04 (14:52):
I had to catch uh bugs to feed my little newt
thing or whatever.
There you go.
SPEAKER_05 (14:57):
So I was like I was like a magician at catching
garden snakes when I wassomewhere between six and ten.
See, I had never even seen asnake in my life.
Uh it's kind of funny because mysix-year-old, who is either in
kindergarten or first grade, Idon't know, I don't pay
attention enough to know.
Uh he found a garden snake onhis playground, and he said that
(15:25):
he's the most popular kid in hisclass because he was the only
one who had enough bravery topick the snake up.
And he was the king walkingaround with the garden snake.
And he said, one of his friends,um put it in his pocket.
No, he's like, My friend Leviseen that since I wasn't afraid
of it, that he shouldn't beafraid of it, and he touched it
(15:48):
after me, but he goes, I was theone who picked it up.
But um, for show and tell, Iwould I would always bring
because I didn't have shit tobring in to show anybody, so I
would bring in my fuckingwhatever I had fucking living in
a peanut butter container with alittle hole punched in the top,
(16:10):
uh, in the class, and everybodyin fucking class loved it, which
then uh prompted the teacher tostart this like little
collection of random littleanimals in the class.
Oh, so you started something.
(16:31):
So I I started that, and shewould actually ended up being uh
both of my brothers' teachers,even though uh um you know you
would think the school wouldhave done whatever they can to
keep my siblings out of herclass after my grandfather rag
(16:53):
dolled this fucking.
SPEAKER_04 (16:54):
Well, you stayed in the class for the rest of the
year.
You only shit yourself the onetime.
SPEAKER_05 (16:58):
That was only the one time, and I think I think it
was pretty early in the year.
But uh uh so that teacheractually um throughout her
entire career, all thirtysomething years, uh always kept
like random fucking salamandersand a garden snake and all this
(17:23):
shit in her class and actuallykept this uh um cared for these
things to to be like a talkingpoint with with the kids.
Did they put a and andironically I run into this
teacher almost every year of myadult life?
SPEAKER_04 (17:45):
Have you sat in her shorts yet?
SPEAKER_05 (17:47):
Let her know how it feels.
No, she uh she did she did tellme the last time I seen her,
which was uh at the Italiancommunity center at an event
they have called Taste of Italy.
Uh I've heard.
Never been invited, Tony.
Dude, it's the best.
I've heard.
Go every year.
That's what I know.
SPEAKER_02 (18:08):
And uh never get an invite.
I don't want to eat that muchfood.
It's not that much food at all.
No, I thought you just like walkaround plate uh tables and they
just pile on fucking spaghettiand meatballs until your plate
can't hold it.
It's not it at all.
SPEAKER_05 (18:23):
You buy tickets and you walk around a room that has
70 things available, andwhatever ticket you have, you
use it to buy these littlesampling size versions of these
items.
SPEAKER_00 (18:38):
All right.
SPEAKER_05 (18:39):
And uh I ran into her and she said that uh through
her whole teaching career, theKavanaugh boys made the biggest
impact in her teaching career.
Because of the size of theirdicks.
I don't think that was it,actually.
Yeah, no, I don't think uh Idon't think you know my
(19:02):
somewhere between six and tenyear old little gummy bear I had
was really that impressive too.
SPEAKER_02 (19:08):
I thought it was six and ten inches you had at that
age.
SPEAKER_05 (19:11):
No, six to ten age range for first grade.
I don't I don't know.
SPEAKER_04 (19:16):
So do you think that she would do you think that she
regretted it or did she knowwhat kind of mistakes she had
made with the poop situation?
SPEAKER_05 (19:27):
Well, I don't know, but what I can tell you is I
don't I don't remember anystories of my other two brothers
shitting themselves in herclass.
So I think I might have actuallyhelped the future generations.
SPEAKER_02 (19:43):
If you ever been around uh fresh shit, you and
you're in a small classroom,you're gonna know someone had
something happened next and ithappened.
SPEAKER_04 (19:56):
Yeah, there's uh whoever smelt it delta game you
might be able to play with yourfriends when you fart it, and
they're like, Okay, who fartedit?
You did, you smelled it, youknow.
SPEAKER_02 (20:05):
You go beyond the smell the delta look and see,
and then when you got chicksshit soaked when it smelled
fucking blue jeans, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (20:14):
I know.
And it's like 20 minutes intothe day.
SPEAKER_02 (20:19):
So we um and Chris probably can can test contest to
this.
Uh I had this gym teacher, hername was Miss Raywald.
Miss Rawald, man.
Miss Raywald.
She does like what's her wife'sname.
Uh yeah, she's definitelydefinitely like the girls.
Um, she is one of the meet herat rugby.
(20:41):
She's she could tackle this shitat anybody.
She is definitely like Tony uhum explained about not knowing a
teacher's name until you likeone makes an impact in your
life.
But I mean, yours was a littlebit different because you shit
in yourself impact it in yourlife.
SPEAKER_04 (20:59):
How did Miss Rawald impact your life?
I was gonna explain it now.
SPEAKER_02 (21:03):
So that's the reason he's selling the chicks.
Maybe she was a drill sergeantfor sports, she was our gym
teacher, and you had to doeverything perfectly to the T.
When it came to learning how toplay baseball, learning how to
(21:23):
play basketball, every singlelittle thing was drilled down to
the smarter, the spiner, the thesmallest minute uh uh learning
aspect of it.
SPEAKER_05 (21:34):
So, in other words, your parachute up, parachute
down game is on point.
I don't know what that means.
Or was your school not poorenough poor enough to have the
parachute?
SPEAKER_02 (21:45):
Are you talking about like when you go on the
roof and see if an egg breaks?
No.
What are we talking about?
SPEAKER_05 (21:50):
They put they basically put a fucking 20-foot
round tarp in the middle of theroom and everybody has to hold
on to it all the way around andthey go up.
Oh, and then run under it, andthen you get the you go down and
then up and then run underneathit?
Well, some people do eventuallyget it going.
SPEAKER_02 (22:08):
Yeah, we did that.
I lived in West.
This is a West Dallas school.
It wasn't a rich school at all.
SPEAKER_05 (22:14):
West Allis is actually the suburbs to my
neighborhood.
SPEAKER_02 (22:18):
Okay, well, it wasn't rich to me.
And you know, it was there werefights every day, and there was
a lot of bullshit that happened.
But besides that, when I wastalking about the teacher, the
gym teacher, uh, she wasstricter than shit.
She was a drill sergeant.
You couldn't drink out of thebubblers.
Would she just stand over yougoing, grow, goddammit, grow?
SPEAKER_04 (22:38):
I remember my dad being pissed at this lady
because the school had gotten anew gym floor.
And so with the gym floor, youcould not have black souls, you
had to have non-marking souls,and they couldn't be outdoor
shoes.
Yep.
So we had gym shoes, and my dadwas like, How the hell am I
(22:59):
supposed to afford two pairs ofkids?
SPEAKER_05 (23:02):
Where am I gonna get two pairs of Reebok pump with
the CO2?
SPEAKER_04 (23:07):
No, that was grandma that got me that for Christmas.
I remember we had to you my dadwas I remember he was so pissed
off because these shoes that youhad to buy weren't like they
they had to be like boat shoeswith the white soles.
Yeah, no, you couldn't find them100, Chris.
SPEAKER_02 (23:23):
100.
My mom came to one of our fieldtrips, and I remember we went,
it was going through the uh thegym, but she started to walk on
the gym floor with her streetshoes.
And I'm I yelled at my mom,stop! Yeah, Ray Walks walking.
SPEAKER_04 (23:40):
Yes, my kid now goes to this same fucking school, and
they hold things in the gym, andI I am still getting I can walk
in there with a bottle of waterand my street shoes on.
There's bubblers and go inthere.
SPEAKER_02 (23:59):
There's bubblers in the gym.
Water fountain for people notlocal to us.
Yes, thank you.
Never allowed to use them ever.
No, you're not allowed to lookat them, not allowed to use
them.
SPEAKER_03 (24:09):
You're not they're not even there.
SPEAKER_05 (24:11):
I'm assuming, I'm assuming at your school, since
it was in the suburbs, they justput a sign on it that's waxed
only.
SPEAKER_01 (24:19):
This is West Dallas.
This is no suburb around.
This is the city, man.
This is the city.
We didn't take buses to get toschool.
Yeah, take city, but okay, wegotta take buses.
All right, right.
SPEAKER_02 (24:32):
Anyway, yes, and she would make us do the craziest
things.
We had to wash our shoes, ourgym shoes by hand.
SPEAKER_04 (24:41):
There was you it's there was like if you found a
pebble in the crack of the shoe,she was like, Ooh, you would be
beaten by a fucking leatherstick.
And yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (24:50):
She okay, and then if you didn't wash them by hand,
I okay.
So one year I said, fuck this.
I threw them in the the washer,what in in washer and dryer.
Bring them, uh went to school,and she knew that I did not take
the time to wash them by hand.
She knew it was washer, uhthrown to the washer and she
made you go sit in the librarylike it was goddamn Christmas.
(25:14):
That was another joke, that wasanother part of my life.
That was a Jehovah's Witnessjoke.
Yeah, and I did do that, yes,and at General Mitchell.
Um, but yeah, she knew that.
She knew that she would have thecraziest rules.
But ultimately, like I learnedfrom her like respect and
discipline through sports, and Ilearned like I respect her for
(25:37):
it.
I hated her then, but I respecther now.
But what I'm coming down to thestory is when I was at in gym
class, uh, I think we wereplaying um um kickball inside,
and uh it was the exactly thesame thing.
You were not allowed to go tothe bathroom.
She would like you had to holdit or you had to wait for next
(25:58):
period.
And I had a piss so fucking bad,I was terrified to even ask her
because I knew we weren'tallowed to do it unless it was
like emergency.
And I mean it was, but I wasstill afraid of her.
So we were sitting down Indianstyle in a line, waiting to kick
the ball.
I was probably 10th in line.
There was probably another 10kids behind me, and then I
(26:20):
couldn't hold anymore, and Istarted pissing.
I just it just onto the flooronto the floor in Indian style
sitting onto the floor, and itjust started to grow and grow
and grow the the piss puddle.
I think I was growing.
I think I remember I can stillsmell it.
My ass was it didn't smellterrible.
(26:43):
Well, I mean, it didn't smellgreat.
Like we had asparagus for dinnerthe night before.
It was thick, it kept growingand growing, and I kept there's
because there was two kids oneither side of me, and I kept
trying to puddle the water backinto my lap because I didn't
want it to touch them.
I'm like, shit, how do I holdthis lid soaked into my fucking
(27:05):
jeans?
I don't care.
You were like, Miss Johnson,Timmy just pissed all over me.
So uh you start to as the theplayer starts to get uh down the
line and the next player kicksthe ball, you start to move down
the line.
SPEAKER_05 (27:20):
So I started moving using your pant leg to slide
your puddle of piss.
SPEAKER_02 (27:26):
To slide the puddle of piss with me as I went down
the line.
But I the only it it it it Icould only do so much.
So I would talk about it.
SPEAKER_04 (27:34):
It was like one of those life and death situations
where there was like an outerbody Jay telling Jay to be with
him.
You can do it, Jay.
We're merging episodes again.
SPEAKER_02 (27:45):
You use that leg, suck it to the ground.
Squeegee.
So um I I got I moved down threekids because the third kid got
done bat uh kicking the ball,and then I couldn't hold it
anymore.
I couldn't stop it from moving,and then some kid next to me is
like, oh, there's something weton the floor.
SPEAKER_03 (28:05):
Oh, and I was like, it's water.
I hit it, I was on it too.
I think someone used thebubbler.
They shouldn't do that, MissReb.
Someone used the bubbler.
This is why they have a rule tonot use the bubbler.
SPEAKER_05 (28:19):
And to this day, you can still see the discoloration
in that.
I'm gonna check the refinishedmaple floor.
SPEAKER_04 (28:26):
I'm in that, I'm in that arena there, that
basketball court thing, which isway smaller than I remembered as
a kid.
Right.
For my kids' shit, like fivetimes a year, I'll check it out.
SPEAKER_02 (28:37):
It's on the that's on the left side.
So anyway, uh, and I I I went upto I was I stood up and went to
the point where I had to kickthe ball, and then I've everyone
saw I was wet.
And the one thing I respectabout Miss Warewall is she knew
obviously she's not dumb, she'spretty fucking smart.
She knew that it pissed mypants, and she was like, Oh, Jay
(28:59):
really sat in that water, didn'the?
So she fucking he she helped meout, and I I respected that and
I knew that she knew it, but Iwas like, Yeah.
And then like you, Tony, thiswas like middle of the of the uh
uh school day, so like I had toall day long, but it wasn't shit
because that that would havebeen way worse.
Oh, yeah.
But I was I was red just wouldhave been I was just red from
(29:23):
the piss.
I was I was burnt, my legs wereburnt.
I said, Mom, I fucking pissed mypants.
SPEAKER_05 (29:29):
Do you know how hard it is for a six through
ten-year-old to get dried shitoff of the back of their legs in
the shower?
Like you gotta rehydrate it atthat point.
SPEAKER_02 (29:39):
That's what I'm saying.
Gotta reactivate that shit andmake it smell worse.
Ugh.
Just sit in a tub, fill it up,soak it, brush it off, fill it
again, and then get some soapand yeah, gross.
SPEAKER_05 (29:52):
So so it's a rule of thumb in my house, and I I've
never told my kids this fullstory, but I do make sure that
they're well aware.
that if it's a bathroomemergency and and they go
whether or not the teacher saidit was okay they will always
they will I will always havetheir back on it.
SPEAKER_02 (30:15):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (30:15):
If I find out they're abusing it, we got
another fucking situation.
If the teacher calls and saysyour kid got up and and just
decided to go to the bathroomafter I told him no and he came
back smelling like an ashtray.
You know my kid my uh my sixyear old watermelon ashtray my
(30:35):
six year old's teacher's like 22years old.
And they look like kids and shedemands that we call her Miss
and then her last name.
And I'm like I'm not fuckingdoing that.
Like I'm not calling a 21 yearold then what do you call her
Miss Isler?
I don't hey bitch.
I refer to her as hey why okayokay that's way better that's
(31:03):
hey hey hey hey hey that's mykid hey that's my kid doing that
school hey like like her name'sfucking Alison like I'm not
going into my kids' school andbeing like Miss whatever the
whatever with you want you misssitting a little cheapers.
(31:24):
I'm not saying hey Miss Isler'sbut why because she's she's only
22?
Yeah who cares who cares halfhis age who cares who cares my
respect is fucking earned Tonygoes in class and teaching my
kid how to spell cat is not thatbig of an accomplishment why is
that respectful to call someoneMiss the uh flinger whatever her
(31:49):
last name is why is it why isthat it's all respectful I'm
just not doing it.
You're weird you know I I findit off putting when when a kid
calls me Mr Kavanaugh I don'tlike it.
SPEAKER_02 (32:04):
Well because you don't want to feel old yeah I
don't think it's an age welltake your glasses off first off
you look fucking 60 yeah it'sthe look I'm going for.
SPEAKER_04 (32:14):
So my kid play uh is playing tackle football can't
catch chicks with tits that dragon the ground if you don't look
like you're 60.
SPEAKER_02 (32:21):
Yeah that was good my kid's playing tackle football
he didn't feel good one day he'slike I want to stay home mom but
I don't feel good and I'm likewe should probably just let him
stay home uh and she's like ohhe's gotta go he committed he's
gotta go this sounds like youtold me you'd make him go yeah
but he didn't feel good and atuh football practice he shit his
(32:42):
pants everywhere in front of allthe whole team which kid the
middle kid the middle kid that'sbad news yeah and I think it's
got a tough goal already and shefelt terrible for him and I was
like hey I didn't want to makeher feel bad but I was like you
know what I was right you shouldhave listened to me he didn't
feel good shouldn't have senthim who cares about him fucking
(33:03):
going to he practices everysingle fucking day one day he's
not gonna hurt he shit his pantsand he actually had to he shit
more he got to have no porterjohns anywhere around where he's
practicing they were like ahundred two hundred feet from
the school he's gotta go he hadto go in the fucking the the one
of the coaches is like go in thewoods he had to go in the woods
(33:25):
and take his all of his stuffoff his jock strap all that shit
and shit in the woods gotta gogotta go but he already shit all
over him it's just like damnthat must have sucked yeah I
didn't I haven't had it feel Inever shivered I feel pretty
blessed though I could touch myeyeball and not worry about from
(33:46):
last podcast touch my eyeballand I I never had rash from
pooping myself.
Yeah I never had the poopingmyself but I feel like that
would be fucking terrible if youcan't hold it you can't hold it
what are you gonna do can't atthis age I go to the bathroom
yeah oh you already said if youdon't go to shit before you go
to work you get you're in a badmood all day well it messes up
the schedule but these soundlike more emergency dumps that's
(34:10):
a totally different you neverhad an emergency dump totally
different ball game you've eatensome bad shit here before and
you've been in that bathroomyeah yeah but not in my pants
when have you ever not had abathroom near you where you had
to shit you're telling me andyou're telling me you gotta know
where the exits are you'retelling me there's no you've
(34:31):
always had a bathroom near youthese three day hippie concerts
you go to very regulated wellthey shit on the they shit on
the ground next to their tentdon't they no I mean some of
them have to you know we've beenpooped yeah someone's shit
guaranteed someone's shit nextto their tent you guys I don't
(34:52):
know man the teachers thoughthey make an impact is what I
think the episode is about huhyeah I agree I think uh if
someone has made an impact inyour life you won't forget them
ever until the day you die yeahespecially when you shit
yourself I mean you're nevergonna forget that person for
real especially and then I gottarun into her every year as an
(35:13):
adult well she maybe she didn'tknow you shit her maybe she
really didn't know do you evergo up to her and be like hi miss
can I use the bathroom uh we'reFacebook friends too which is
even more weird how old is shenow uh 40 she was younger than
(35:35):
20 63 something when you were akid her first year out of high
school noise noise thank you forlistening this is our podcast
and respect teachers and uh theygotta if you gotta go man just
(35:56):
go just gotta go if you gotta go
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