November 5, 2025 • 41 mins
Three friends trade jokes about hot chicken and sponsors before one story takes center stage: a blade tip snaps while cutting rubber flooring and lands in an eyeball. We relive the slow-motion moment, the bad instincts avoided, the strapped-down exam, and the simple rule that could prevent it all.
• why rubber skate flooring grabs blades and stores energy
• how a blade shard ended up in the center of an eye
• the slow-motion effect during close calls and what the brain is doing
• avoiding the blink that would have shredded an eyelid
• deciding between toughing it out and going to the clinic
• what the UV dye exam checks and why contamination matters
• myths around rust, tetanus, and eye infections
• building real PPE habits that stick under stress
• practical eyewear tips for cutting, grinding, and yard work
• the takeaway that vision is non-negotiable
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
Tap shelf stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_03 (00:22):
Nothing.
Welcome everybody to this week'sspecial edition of Top Shelf
Stories.
Why is this special?
Well, because we finally got asponsor this week.
Okay.
Today's episode brought to youby Dave's Hot Chicken.
I thought you could do it.
(00:42):
What is their slogan?
We will give you spicy shits.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (00:48):
So I'll come 15 minutes later than you're
supposed to when you orderonline.
SPEAKER_02 (00:54):
It's funny that you say that because I I was
thinking about getting that, andthen all of a sudden you guys
get it.
That's the weird thing aboutthat.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00):
We don't even invite you anymore.
I'm saying get it for myself,not with you.
What are you talking about?
To the podcast?
Yeah, I know how you got thiscrippling fear of eating in
front of other human beings.
Only you two, because you guys Iknow at home you just take your
dinner straight to the bathroom.
Closet.
So nobody can see you.
Go to my truck in the basement.
(01:21):
So today I want to talk aboutthe time I got stabbed.
What?
By my worst enemy.
What?
Stabbed?
I got stabbed.
I thought you were about to sayby my wife.
No, I got I got stabbed by my uhuh worst enemy.
Ironically, in my eyeball.
unknown (01:41):
What?
SPEAKER_00 (01:42):
Yep.
How big was it a syringe?
Well, here a tooth.
Let me tell you about it.
Was it one of those little tinyblades you get in those fancy
drinks when you're on vacation?
Like, how did you get stabbed inthe eye?
SPEAKER_02 (01:55):
The little plastic thing that holds the fruit in
your drink.
SPEAKER_00 (01:58):
Yeah.
Fruit fruit sword way beatsfruit umbrella any day.
SPEAKER_02 (02:03):
Yeah.
Those are dangerous, though.
I've gotten stabbed by thosebecause I swat them out of my
kids' hand when they try to grabthem.
SPEAKER_03 (02:10):
Yeah, because they'll they, I mean, they'll
put them in their mouth and inin and choke on them.
Yeah.
They're extremely scissors andrun.
Toothpick in their mouth,scissors in the other hand.
I don't know what these guysare.
SPEAKER_00 (02:20):
Yeah, can you cut me this apple?
Here's a knife.
So, how long ago was this now?
Like last week?
This was this was a process.
That's where he's wearingglasses right now.
SPEAKER_01 (02:32):
Safety glasses.
SPEAKER_00 (02:33):
Never knowing you might get stabbed by a drink
umbrella.
SPEAKER_03 (02:38):
So this was about 15 years ago.
And uh I was working on a jobsite.
Uh, we were installing a rubberuh gym floor.
It it was it it was technicallya rubber-based floor
specifically designed for iceskates.
So it was extremely, extremelyheavy duty and difficult to work
(03:02):
with.
And when you cut a rubber floor,uh, it does this weird thing
with your knife where where itit like grips it.
Like imagine you're having sexand a vagina's too tight, and
you put your wiener in and youcannot get it out.
Does that happen to you?
But then when it comes out, itjust flies right out, right?
SPEAKER_02 (03:26):
Well, so you're speaking from first hand
experience, like a suctionalmost.
SPEAKER_03 (03:30):
Yeah, yeah, it has this like weird uh grippy
suction to it when you when yourun a knife through it.
SPEAKER_02 (03:38):
Okay.
And uh I just find it weird andstrange that you can ice skate
on top of something that'srubber.
SPEAKER_00 (03:46):
I can't even.
No, it's probably so you don'tdamage the skates or the floor
and can walk around.
SPEAKER_03 (03:51):
Yeah, this is all outside.
All outside of the ice.
I thought it was actually skateon.
No, they're not zambonying thisrubber floor.
SPEAKER_02 (04:01):
That's what I thought.
SPEAKER_03 (04:02):
But uh that's what I pictured in my head.
I'm glad I asked.
So I I was cutting this piece ofthis rubber with this knife that
has like a little hook on theend.
Sure.
And uh it got stuck in there.
And when it finally popped out,the pressure of like me twisting
the knife snapped the tip ofthis blade off.
(04:25):
And somehow, some way to thisday, I'm not even sure how the
fuck it happened, but that tipof that knife blade flew up and
stuck dead smack middle of myeyeball.
SPEAKER_00 (04:37):
So is yourself.
SPEAKER_03 (04:39):
Yeah, it was myself.
So you're you're you're yourworst enemy?
Yeah.
For sure.
That's not everybody else lovesme.
I fucking hate me.
SPEAKER_00 (04:47):
So I'll uh so you probably wore gloves because the
writing on it that says wearsafety goggles was rubbing
against your hand all day and itgave you a blister.
So you were wearing gloves inorder to grip this thing, and
you got yourself in the eye.
SPEAKER_03 (05:02):
Got myself right in the eye.
I'm confused how you thinkthat's being stabbed.
Well, the knife fucking theblade sta it entered my body.
SPEAKER_00 (05:12):
I wear it was a knife in eye.
I I mean, in I wear safetyglasses during almost any
activity that could even potlike weed whacking, I'm wearing
safety.
Not just necessary safetyglasses, but at least some
frickin' glasses.
SPEAKER_03 (05:27):
The full face shield that activities like even sex?
SPEAKER_00 (05:31):
Maybe.
If it's if we're doing any typeof I definitely wear rubber toys
or anything.
Things can get wild.
SPEAKER_03 (05:40):
You know, when the when the old lady breaks out the
sawzall.
SPEAKER_00 (05:44):
So when I was doing concrete work, I had this boss.
I have this boss who would makeus who would not make us really,
but he would highly encourage usto always wear sunglasses at
least, safety sunglassespreferred, and safety glasses,
because even hammering nail andwood together, he said he would
(06:07):
say, Listen, listen, here'swhere am I right?
You can you can walk with awooden leg, but you can't see
with a wooden eye where yoursafety goggles.
Am I right?
Am I right?
And that was his am I right?
SPEAKER_02 (06:22):
Yeah, well, you're right.
You can't run with a wooden legeither.
SPEAKER_00 (06:25):
Ingrained in me.
And now I can't even like open arazor blade without thinking to
myself, what thing am I gonnado?
Am I gonna close or protect myeye with?
SPEAKER_02 (06:36):
So you have whenever you see a razor blade, you like
run away and ah give me myglasses.
SPEAKER_00 (06:41):
Yeah, like they have those nuclear sirens where
everyone used to get under thedesk.
I get under the desk.
No, I'm just saying, man, that'san example of you're lucky to be
able to see for real.
Because I don't think that's awood knock.
SPEAKER_03 (06:56):
It kind of it couldn't have gone that deep.
Uh it went deep enough whereokay, so have you guys ever been
in like a life or deathsituation where everything
around you like slows down?
It's like everything stops.
Like they portray it in moviesall the time.
Yeah.
Um, there's been like threetimes in my life where that has
(07:19):
happened, and and it gives youlike what feels like an extra
five minutes to like think aboutwhat's gonna happen next before
it happens, but realistically,it was like a fraction of a
second.
SPEAKER_02 (07:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:35):
Um but I don't I don't know if it's like
everything slows down or yourbrain just speeds up to figure
out how to get you out ofwhatever this situation is.
It definitely has to do withyour brain.
SPEAKER_00 (07:48):
I believe it's your brain getting faster.
I don't think the world slowsdown every time someone's about
to do that.
You don't think so?
SPEAKER_03 (07:53):
No.
You don't think the world'srunning at like 0.25 of its
normal speed because everybody'shaving this reaction to
something.
SPEAKER_00 (08:02):
It's my understanding that there's a
large probability that yourbrain releases some DMT when you
die.
Uh huh.
And a DMT trip, from what Iunderstand, from what you've
read on the internet, is I'venot done any DMT in my day that
I know of.
(08:22):
And it's apparently like onehour in the world, but like a
decade in your brain.
So if you're about to die oryou're having this fight or
fight, fear fight moment, maybeit's the beginning of that.
And then your brain realizes,oh, wait, wait, okay, we're
(08:42):
good.
He just got some fucking knifein his eye.
Yeah.
We're not gonna die, and thenyour your body like sucks back
that dosage.
SPEAKER_03 (08:53):
So so it was this really weird situation where I
almost felt as if I was standingoutside myself looking at
myself.
SPEAKER_00 (09:03):
That sounds near life.
Because so you thought you weregonna die in the eye.
SPEAKER_03 (09:08):
I don't know.
I don't know what my bodythought was gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02 (09:13):
But you went through all the things that could
happen, like you get infectionin your eyeball, and that might
kill you slowly.
SPEAKER_00 (09:20):
Or had it gone all the way through and into your
brain because you were puttingwe're like closing and covering
your eye back.
SPEAKER_03 (09:25):
They are the epitome of the word razor sharp.
Oh, yeah.
But um, so probably hot from thefucking friction, yeah, of the
rubber.
It actually didn't cut into myeye, it melted into it.
Maybe that's what saved you.
And you got rubber in your eyenow, too, because of the well,
(09:46):
yeah, probably some kind ofresidue from the blade.
SPEAKER_02 (09:50):
So that's chemicals in your eye.
SPEAKER_00 (09:51):
But technically, people could rock around on
their ice skates in your eye fora minute.
SPEAKER_02 (09:57):
I like the crit I like your idea there, Chris.
SPEAKER_03 (10:00):
But but the thing about it is is you know, when it
happens, you don't really knowwhat happened, and it was it I
felt like I was in like an MMvideo.
Like he has this video wherehe's like doing something and
then it stops, and then the uh Ithink it's bad meets evil.
(10:21):
The camera rotates, the camerarotates, and it's him standing
outside of himself with Dr.
Dre doing like the angel devilthing to him.
And it it's like I felt like Iwas outside of myself, and I
looked at myself and I'm like,holy fuck, this blade's in your
eye.
(10:42):
What do you do?
And I remember vividly likehurrying up and holding my
eyelid open and running to amirror.
And that's when I got to themirror, like by that time my
fucking eye is so dry, like allI want to do is blink.
(11:03):
It there's but the way that theblade was stuck in my eye, it
was up and down, and if I wouldhave blinked, it would have
bifurcated my entire eyelid.
I like your words, and then Icanate fucking sewing.
It would have been extremelydifficult.
This is I like what you did.
(11:26):
I mean, it's like dick skin.
It's like like an eighth asthick as root.
SPEAKER_00 (11:31):
You probably would have had to get a patch from
your dick to sew it togetherwith.
I would have had I would haveYou would have been a dick face.
SPEAKER_03 (11:38):
I would have had nut sack eyelids.
You know, you'd have a sack eye.
I would have just been growinglike three straggler hairs.
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
Look at me in my sack eye and tell me that.
SPEAKER_02 (11:48):
Every time you blink, you'd see all those
fucking wrinkles in the fuckingyour eyelid.
SPEAKER_00 (11:54):
He's got a couple fucking scroll hairs growing out
of it all the time.
SPEAKER_03 (11:58):
Little kids in elevators, like, mom, what's
wrong with that guy's eyelid?
SPEAKER_02 (12:03):
No one fucking knows.
And I'll do the smart thing,because you know, when I I
splashed fucking cement in myeye, what did I do?
I fucking rubbed it right away.
And that's not smart that'ssand.
SPEAKER_03 (12:12):
I scratched the shit out of my cornea.
Dude, I don't know.
I felt like I watched myself runto the mirror.
It was the wildest shit in mylife.
SPEAKER_02 (12:22):
You it wasn't even near death experience, and still
you saw yourself in the thirdperson.
Wait, I there's no other what isthat?
SPEAKER_03 (12:31):
There's no other way to explain it.
Like, I I know what I saw, and Isaw myself from outside of my
body.
It it is fucking crazy as it is,but if I wouldn't have, I I
wouldn't have held my eyelidopen.
I wouldn't have known like whenyou get something in your eye,
(12:52):
like you can't see what it is.
SPEAKER_00 (12:54):
I immediately would have thought to close it and
hold my hand over it.
Yeah, me too.
SPEAKER_02 (12:58):
But and if close death experiences, I've been
riverbo riverboat boat rafting,and I was stuck under a rapid,
and it kept pushing me down.
I kept pushing me down, pushingme down, pushing me down.
And like the same thing,everything got really slow, and
like I just saw lights, and Ialways say to my my buddy that
(13:19):
that actually saved my life.
He I felt like he was Jesusreaching into the fucking Red
Sea with his arm and picked meout of the water because like
he's like seven foot tall.
So like he was his he's reallyjust like 5'11.
But the water was two feet deep.
Yeah.
He's a giant.
(13:40):
He was, and he grabbed me,picked me out, and like survived
me.
SPEAKER_00 (13:46):
Mouth to mouth.
SPEAKER_02 (13:47):
No, I was that wasn't that to mouth after for
payments.
I just remember not.
I just remember not being ableto get out of that rapid.
SPEAKER_00 (13:59):
That had to be terrifying.
SPEAKER_03 (14:00):
And getting pushed back in it, like almost getting
out, pushed back, getting out,pushed back.
That same shit happened to mywife, dude.
That shit was terrifying.
I wasn't wearing white a lifepreserver.
Either was my wife, and we werethere were like eight rafts
chained together, and she keptgetting stuck under all the
rafts.
That's scary, dude.
It sucks you in.
And uh, I had to flip somebodyelse off of their raft to save
(14:22):
her life.
I figured, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_01 (14:24):
You killed someone else's sick.
SPEAKER_03 (14:25):
Yeah, dude.
I'm like, I ain't raising thesekids.
He doesn't have shit to live.
SPEAKER_02 (14:34):
The first thing Tony thinks about whenever his wife's
about to die.
SPEAKER_01 (14:37):
I'm raising these kids alone.
How much work it's gonna be toraise these kids alone.
SPEAKER_03 (14:41):
So much to do.
I'm like, I'd rather have everyother weekend than fucking seven
days a week.
SPEAKER_01 (14:48):
Oh, you're fucked.
You know that doesn't herfriends listen to this podcast?
I don't know, but they're gonnafind out about that.
The only reason why you want herto survive is so you don't have
to babysit your kids.
SPEAKER_03 (15:04):
I wouldn't be here right now.
Well, I know if I would have lether ass die, I'd be at home
fucking trying to figure outwhat to do with two fucking
children.
Now that's her problem.
But uh, but so I pulled I pulledthis knife blade out of my eye
with my fingers.
(15:24):
And much like I assume everybodyis, like, can anybody touch your
guys' eyes?
I can touch my eyes.
SPEAKER_02 (15:31):
Oh, I thought you'd I thought you're gonna say, Did
you smelt it?
I would have smelled it.
SPEAKER_03 (15:34):
Dude, there there's in no in no situation can I
touch my eye for anything.
What do you mean?
SPEAKER_00 (15:44):
What do you mean just I was just manipulating hot
sauce chicken fingers, and I'mabout ready to prove to you I
could stab myself in the finger.
SPEAKER_03 (15:52):
You mean touch your eye with your finger?
Yeah, I can't touch my eye withmy finger.
I can't put eye drops in.
Like I cannot do anything.
I used to have contacts.
Turn off the recording.
SPEAKER_00 (16:01):
I can't be friends with you guys.
I I can't, I gotta I almostturned it off.
SPEAKER_02 (16:05):
I I I used to have contacts, so no, I can touch my
eyes all I want.
Oh my god, dude.
That's like my worst.
You healed, you got your eyesfixed.
I got I got LASIK.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
I got LASIK.
I couldn't handle the fuckingtaking that shit in and out and
uh not falling asleep with them.
SPEAKER_00 (16:21):
But did you have superhero strength and were able
to touch your eye at this point?
I did.
Was it the shit?
Was it the you you saw or youthe you you that did it?
SPEAKER_03 (16:31):
It was the me, me guided by the me outside.
SPEAKER_02 (16:34):
Basically, you knew what to do because the guy that
you saw doing it did it right.
SPEAKER_00 (16:39):
Maybe that guy's your better half.
Maybe we should be hanging outwith him.
Dude, I wish I could.
He's not afraid of touching hiseye.
SPEAKER_03 (16:46):
I try to intentionally get into those
kinds of situations, just so Icould have a conversation with
him.
Does he have a different name?
I don't know.
Did you ever ask him?
SPEAKER_00 (16:57):
I haven't got to see him again.
It's interesting.
SPEAKER_01 (16:59):
We'll just make that happen.
Do you think I'll stand out infront of traffic hoping he shows
up?
SPEAKER_00 (17:04):
What about this?
What if whoa, just had a thing.
You know, you slow down time andeverything.
What if you slowed down time inyour head and all that to think
about how you saw yourselfoutside?
What if Parallel Universe, youhad not slowed down time and was
like, oh fuck, I gotta save thatguy.
That's me, and taught you how tograb your own eye.
SPEAKER_03 (17:27):
Or it could have been my father.
I don't know.
I've finally came back with thesmokes, kid.
Oh shit, you got something inyour eye.
SPEAKER_02 (17:38):
We always talk about uh told you I'd be feared for
you.
Going going in the store formilk.
That's the cue of not comingback.
Your dad went to the store toget milk.
No, but you said you had therazor in your eye.
SPEAKER_03 (17:50):
You saw it in your eye, or can't it wasn't in your
eye?
I I seen it in my eye fromoutside my body.
It was sticking into my eye.
No, but seriously though, was itin your eye?
Yes.
So how did you get it out?
With my fingers.
I holding my eye open with onehand.
How big was it, the shard?
SPEAKER_02 (18:07):
Um like was it hard to grab?
Like you had to really getsomething small because your
fingers are pretty fat andstubby.
SPEAKER_03 (18:16):
It was like an eighth inch that went straight
to a point.
Uh, you know, as thin as a sheetof paper.
You got it with your finger.
Probably a quarter inch long.
You got it with your finger.
So yeah, I did.
It was fucking crazy.
SPEAKER_02 (18:32):
And how long did it take for you to see out of that
eye?
You went to the doctor, right?
No, so no, you just put a banditon it, or super.
I got super glue.
SPEAKER_00 (18:41):
Ah, I gotta walk this off, guys.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
You're gonna walk this off.
SPEAKER_03 (18:46):
I I pulled it out, and uh one of my co-workers came
and followed me, and he was likemy hype man.
He's like, Oh shit, you juststabbed yourself in the eye.
He's running behind me.
He's like, He's like, get thatshit, bro.
SPEAKER_00 (19:03):
Get it.
If that was today, dude wouldhave been recording you.
Hold on, bro.
Don't pull it out yet.
I gotta get my phone and let mego live.
I'm gonna go live.
Let me don't pull it out.
Don't pull.
I'm gonna go live.
SPEAKER_02 (19:16):
So I got a friendly.
SPEAKER_00 (19:18):
Let me do it in your friend Tony.
He's 10 stopping out.
Let's stop.
Don't pull it out.
Hold on, let me get this hotterview.
He's gonna pull out.
Let's get 10 likes.
Don't pull it out of his heart.
Tony hearts.
Let me see those heights.
Let me see those heights.
We're gonna send out.
Pick a comment.
(19:38):
Write a comment in the commentsection.
We're gonna send out the pieceof the fucking metal.
If you can guess the length ofthat fucking chart in his eye,
you will win.
Man, if they had these thingswhen I was 16, I would have been
the biggest streamer there everwas.
That's exactly what they'redoing.
SPEAKER_01 (19:55):
I need 25 comments.
SPEAKER_00 (19:56):
I need to record videos.
My uncle was doing it for awhile.
They made their own littlesports center where they I did
that too with my brother.
SPEAKER_03 (20:04):
Me and Witcher brother's.
SPEAKER_02 (20:06):
Probably.
SPEAKER_03 (20:07):
He just signs out every episode with hey, what
time is Dude?
SPEAKER_01 (20:11):
You should have seen some of these videos.
Take a look at my watch.
Oh, talking about the skinwatch.
SPEAKER_00 (20:19):
I get it now.
I get it now.
Okay, so let's go back.
SPEAKER_02 (20:22):
Oh, he goes, he wants the bubblegum.
He takes his fucking nutsack andcurls it up into his fist.
I'm like, You mean my potatoeyelid?
SPEAKER_00 (20:32):
You can get it off a nutsack if you tie it tight
enough around, it won't evenbleed.
SPEAKER_03 (20:37):
Getting a nutsack for an eyelid would be terrible,
but getting somebody else'snutsack for your eyelid would be
the worst fucking thing thatcould happen to you.
You'd always have pink eyes.
You would just always smile verynuts.
SPEAKER_00 (20:52):
You'd wake up slapping your own face because
you got dick on your eye.
You'd be scratching your eye.
SPEAKER_03 (20:58):
You'd be scratching your eye all the time.
You think if I ended up withsome of Dan's nutsack for an
eyelid, if I blink too fast inan alternate reality, he would
come.
SPEAKER_02 (21:10):
He would keep blinking.
He can't just blink once andhe's done.
I think Dan can last a littlelonger than that.
But uh let's call him and findout.
Um you think he would give youpart of his testicle that's
gonna repair your eyeball?
SPEAKER_00 (21:25):
I'd give I'd give up a little bit of my nut skin and
fix your eye, Tony.
SPEAKER_02 (21:30):
They wouldn't hang, they wouldn't hang as long.
SPEAKER_00 (21:31):
Like Jay's saying, if you just pinch it off, you
could probably snip some outwithout even having to go to the
doctor.
SPEAKER_03 (21:37):
Just staple, we'll just take some and just staple a
wrinkle and cut up covered.
SPEAKER_00 (21:42):
You can use like, what's that?
Uh a liquid band-aid or maybejust some plumber cement or
whatever, and we'll just slap iton your eye.
SPEAKER_03 (21:50):
If you had to get a nut sack for an eyelid, I would
I would request that they put iton upside down.
So so the part that touches thenuts is on the outside.
See all the tiny little things.
SPEAKER_00 (22:03):
You think the part that touches the nuts is
cleaner, worse off than the thanthe part of the nut that gets
touched by everything else?
SPEAKER_02 (22:11):
Oh, there's just something about having you know
what's fucking you know what'sfucking gross is I just finished
watching the Ed Gean series onNetflix about him.
SPEAKER_00 (22:21):
He had nutsack teacups, didn't he?
SPEAKER_02 (22:23):
No, he only did girl stuff.
He only messed with girl boxes.
Oh, that makes it better.
But it just him making stuff outof skin, and now I'm thinking
about you with your eyeball madeout of nutsack.
SPEAKER_03 (22:32):
Oh, so this is a relevant topic to your life.
Number one on Netflix right now.
You're at home making blueprintsabout making fucking tit skin
lamps.
SPEAKER_02 (22:42):
My wife's like, why is your nuts so high up now?
I've started cutting skin offand making shit out of it.
SPEAKER_03 (22:48):
Uh but no, so so this is like the crazier thing
about it.
So I pull this shard of razorblade out of my eye, and and
then I start giving myself somewell-deserved blinks and getting
that eye all back lubed up likeit was supposed to be.
(23:09):
Because now, I mean I don't knowI don't know if it was 10
minutes or 10 seconds.
Like it feel it felt like aneternity, but I'm sure it was
something like 20 or 30 seconds.
SPEAKER_02 (23:20):
But it's gotta feel it's gotta feel like it's still
in your eye, even if you'retaking it out.
SPEAKER_03 (23:24):
But but you know, just I mean, take your fingers
and hold your eyelid open for 30seconds, like your eyes fucking
dry.
SPEAKER_02 (23:32):
I have 99% blocked uh eye drop uh uh ear what the
fuck?
Tear ducks.
What the fuck I can't even talkright now.
Dear ducks.
You'll get there.
You'll get there.
It'll get there.
And uh I have to I have to puteye drops in my eyes five times
a day.
So yes, I know what it feelslike to not I have to literally
blink 16 times per per second.
(23:52):
No, that doesn't make sense.
SPEAKER_03 (23:55):
But anyway, um as soon as I got the shard out and
I gave myself some good blinks,got that eye back lubed up to
factory new.
Um it was like nothing happened.
There there was no like impairedvision.
There was no It couldn't havebeen traveling that fast.
There was nothing weird.
(24:16):
But you didn't go to the doctor?
So, no, I went back to work.
You lie.
SPEAKER_00 (24:22):
You went home.
I I got honest, I did.
You went home, took a bath.
You're like, hey boss, I'm gonnago have half a smoke though.
Let me walk this one off.
SPEAKER_03 (24:30):
No, so so I was actually working, I was actually
working, ironically, at the highschool my that's in my district
that I live now.
So it's like my kids' highschool is where this happened.
So that was like a weirdpremonition.
Yeah.
I mean, I you know, it was thefirst time I ever heard of that
(24:51):
high school and I worked there15 years ago.
It was actually it was more thanf it was it was over 20 years,
it was 20 years ago.
SPEAKER_00 (25:00):
Are we just gonna overlook the fact that there's a
high school that has a rubberice screen, ice skating rink in
it?
SPEAKER_03 (25:06):
Oh yeah, one one of the families is is extremely
wealthy.
Listen to this shit.
Oh, I'm aware.
We're all we're all listening sothey're they're extremely
wealthy, and their kids weresuper big into hockey, and they
didn't like the fact that theyhad to drive to a different city
(25:28):
to take their kid for hockeypractice.
Makes sense.
And it was it was their oldestkid who was like a freshman in
high school.
So they wanted it next door.
So they were like, drivingtwenty-eight minutes for hockey
practice three times a week isfucking bullshit.
(25:50):
It is bullshit.
And they paid in full to buildthe Mullet Ice Center at
Arrowhead High School inHeartland, Wisconsin.
They paid in full.
I would do the same thing.
And to this day, because thiswas 20 years ago, to this day,
(26:10):
that family, their kids are longout.
They're their kids' kids arestarting to get to the age where
they're gonna be going to thathigh school soon.
And they're too they're too faraway from there, so they gotta
build another one.
That family still pays towardthe kids that want to be on
hockey, toward their equipmentbecause of how fucking expensive
(26:32):
their equipment is.
SPEAKER_00 (26:34):
That's great.
SPEAKER_03 (26:35):
Um yeah.
So anyway.
SPEAKER_00 (26:38):
So it's really like the hockey rink built by a rich
person for kids who can't seegood.
Yeah.
Built built by kids who can'tsee good.
What is this?
A school for ants?
Yeah, is that what you'rereferencing?
SPEAKER_01 (26:50):
I was trying to.
But uh what's the point if theycan't fit into the building?
It has to be at least threetimes the size.
SPEAKER_03 (27:04):
But uh, I went back to work um for the rest of the
day, like nothing ever happened,and I went home because this was
a time before like cell phoneswhere you're just fucking
talking on your phone for noreason.
You know, I had a phone, but itwas 50 cents a minute, so I
(27:25):
didn't feel like anything majorenough that warrant a
three-dollar phone call.
So I got home.
This is when you weren't rich,right?
Yeah, this was pre-wealth.
Okay.
Wealth.
SPEAKER_00 (27:39):
Uh now you have your own ice skater inka.
Pre employees to cut their eyes.
SPEAKER_02 (27:46):
Pre-weekly, pre-weekly haircuts and pet
monthly pedicures.
Uh so I manicures, was it?
Petties.
Yeah, pedicure.
SPEAKER_00 (27:55):
You're such I end up here, man.
What did you say?
So I go and I end up here.
SPEAKER_03 (28:01):
I go home and I tell my wife uh all about the getting
stabbed in the eye, the seeingmyself from the outside, blah
blah blah.
She goes to work the next dayand she's drugs, were you too?
She starts talking to herfriends, like, yeah, this is
crazy.
My husband stabbed himself inthe eye with a fucking broken
razor blade yesterday, and oneof her co-workers was telling
(28:25):
her, Oh my god, my husband got avery, very small metal shard in
his eye, and it infected his eyeto the point that he lost all
his vision and one of his eyesfrom this microscopic metal
shard.
(28:46):
So now all of a sudden, my wifehas three dollar phone call
money, and she calls me and shetells me I need to stop what the
fuck I'm doing and go to thehospital and have them look at
my eye.
You're like, wait, babe.
I'm like, I'm telling you rightnow, I'm like, I see just as
good as any time in my life.
(29:09):
Like telling us this story.
SPEAKER_00 (29:10):
There's nothing wrong with this.
He's telling us this story whilewearing a new pair of glasses
that we've only seen him in overthe last five years.
SPEAKER_02 (29:16):
Yeah, why are you wearing glasses telling the
story?
Because I'm 45 years old.
Are you afraid something's gonnahit your eye now?
SPEAKER_00 (29:23):
He's wearing safety gear to tell this tale.
SPEAKER_01 (29:27):
Safety?
Yes, safety sense.
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (29:31):
Back then it was safety second.
Now it's safety first.
SPEAKER_02 (29:33):
You have a dead deer carcass head above you if it
fell and it's it could, thosehorns could stab you right in
the eye.
SPEAKER_03 (29:40):
Yeah.
Back 20 years ago, safety in mylife was reactive, not
proactive.
Now I wear safety glasses so Idon't splash piss in my eye.
Like it doesn't matter what I'mdoing.
You have glasses for peeing?
Yeah.
Only in Portageons or No, Ithey're in the bathroom.
(30:02):
Just close your eyes or look up.
They're yellow tinted, so Idon't even see it coming.
SPEAKER_02 (30:06):
Your wife is gonna complain about you pissing on
the seat anyway.
What do you guys mean?
It splashes mine so long itdoesn't make a splash.
SPEAKER_01 (30:13):
It's like he did to sometimes.
SPEAKER_03 (30:17):
It's like filling up a bucket with a garden hose.
SPEAKER_02 (30:22):
Where you don't want it to splash, you just put it
all the way in the bucket.
unknown (30:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (30:27):
Chris is like, my dick's in the bucket.
SPEAKER_03 (30:30):
But uh my wife told me to go to the doctor, and I
told her, absolutely not.
Not gonna fucking happen.
This is the only day in in thehistory of working that I
carpooled with somebody.
I drove somebody to the job sitebecause at that time uh where I
live now felt like a fuckingmillion miles away.
(30:54):
Oh, it's still that far away.
Is it?
Yeah, it's 21 minutes from here.
SPEAKER_02 (30:58):
Yo, yeah, and quick, I got something in my eye, went
to the doctor, I have insurance,I have shit insurance.
The bill came back, my insurancedidn't cover it.
$1,200 for them to look in myeye and give me jizz to put in
my eye to clean it out.
Makes sense.
SPEAKER_00 (31:12):
So yeah, you could have gone to Tony Total
Donations for the Jiz.
SPEAKER_02 (31:16):
Yeah, I know.
So it's a sickest shit I had toput in my eye for.
SPEAKER_00 (31:20):
This episode is also brought to you by Tony Total
Donations for pickup, delivery,drop off, whatever you need.
We're there for you.
SPEAKER_03 (31:26):
I go, I go to the doctor.
It's a good slogan.
Uh we go to uh I go to thedoctor and uh I tell them the
situation, and they go, Okay,first question is how come
you're here today and notyesterday?
My wife.
And that's what I told 'em.
(31:47):
And uh and we can't do anythingfor you.
So so they had to take a look atit, and uh uh they had to lay me
down on this table.
They did turn the lights off andyeah, they had to put like some
kind of drop in my eye, and thenlook at my eye with a UV light
to see how bad the cut was.
SPEAKER_02 (32:10):
And then have you roll over and then take your
pants off.
SPEAKER_03 (32:14):
That doesn't happen to you?
No, it's not like the doctor yougo to.
Oh shit.
That's why I paid$1,200.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um so they they quickly realizethat touching my eyes is not
something that can happen realeasy.
Well, they have things to holdyour lids open.
(32:34):
Uh well, they actually theyactually have to get it.
Two nurses and one holding onelid up, they they actually
strapped me to the table.
SPEAKER_01 (32:45):
They put you on a kid bed where they had kids,
they had to kick kids down.
SPEAKER_03 (32:50):
It had restraints on it, and I had to be strapped to
it.
You're like, we need a doublekid bed because they could
triple kid bed for this guy theycould not touch my fucking eye.
SPEAKER_02 (32:59):
And um because you're fighting them, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (33:02):
And dude, I remember this.
The doctor made a nurse crouchdown so her head was at the same
level as my head, and take herhands and put her fingers
together and hold my foreheaddown to the table while like my
arms and body were strapped tothe table.
(33:24):
Yeah, you could take a pinky andhold someone's head down.
It's pretty easy.
It's not that easy.
No, when I'm involuntarilythrashing my head up.
SPEAKER_02 (33:35):
I'm saying, like, it's not hard to keep someone
down when you hold them just bythe forehead.
You ever try that little trickthat people used to do?
No.
Okay, well, we'll do it later.
But um I'm gonna go home beforethat part.
SPEAKER_03 (33:47):
They actually gave I'm gonna put my penis on his
forehead and say, get up.
So they gave me 30 days of eyedrops that needed to be put in
my eyes every three day ones.
Every like four hours, and itwas a sequence.
It was a sequence, they werenumbered one through five.
(34:12):
There were five differentdroppers, and I had to put them
in, and I had to wait like twominutes between each numbered
drop.
SPEAKER_02 (34:22):
Well, they really upped their game in the years on
eye drops for real because 30fucking days.
You said 15.
SPEAKER_03 (34:30):
I got honest, think that they did this to fucking
ruin my life.
SPEAKER_02 (34:35):
Or just to charge you a shot.
How much did I do?
SPEAKER_03 (34:38):
Just because oh I dude, I had fucking phenomenal
insurance back then.
Well, you worked for the union.
It was free.
Well, the the union doesn't havegood insurance anymore.
Twenty years ago, they had thebest insurance.
It cost me like eight dollars.
Oh, eight dollars.
Oh my god.
But now it would have been thefucking eighty, five hundred
(34:59):
dollar deductible per person.
Wow.
But um I think because I wassuch a problem for them trying
to look at my eye, I think theyprobably could have just like
put three drops in my eye andbeen like, you're good.
I think they did this literallyto fucking destroy my life for a
(35:23):
month.
Can I like really?
Are you that bad with trying totouch your eye?
It's it's pretty fuckingterrible.
SPEAKER_00 (35:33):
Man, I got like three feet to him, and he
already slapped my hand on.
SPEAKER_02 (35:37):
Why is that?
No, I don't understand.
Maybe did you get like somethingin your eye when you're really
young?
SPEAKER_03 (35:43):
Maybe.
Like, was it?
Maybe there's some kind oftrauma that I don't know about
that happened in my life.
SPEAKER_00 (35:48):
I mean, there's a lot of people that are like
that.
Most of them would.
SPEAKER_02 (35:51):
Well, you said you were raped as a child, so well,
it was an attempted rape.
Okay, so maybe somethinghappened in that there, and they
wanted from the in the eye?
Well, you know, you never know.
I don't know if you know whatrape is.
They missed, they must havemissed.
The aim was off.
SPEAKER_00 (36:13):
Damn, Tony got stabbed in the eyeball.
That's scary.
You ripped it out yourself.
SPEAKER_03 (36:19):
Well, did you really rip it out?
I pulled it out.
How hard is it was it to comeout?
I I don't remember.
I imagined pretty easily.
Was it like your description?
It had to be going very slow.
SPEAKER_02 (36:30):
Was it your description of a big penis and a
small vagina thing?
Or was it popping?
SPEAKER_03 (36:36):
That was the knife in rubber.
Okay.
And my eye, it came out like apenis going into a very loose
vagina.
SPEAKER_01 (36:45):
Loosy goosey.
SPEAKER_00 (36:47):
Yeah, I things in your eye get me.
I couldn't imagine having metalin there.
I get like a concrete like Jay'shad there a couple weeks ago.
I've had that, and like lime isreally bad, dries you out, and
gets all you know, cementpowder.
It's no good.
SPEAKER_02 (37:03):
Well, my my my cousin works with uh metal, he's
uh tool and dye guy, and he getsshit in his well, he wears eye
protection a lot, but he getsslivers all the time.
SPEAKER_00 (37:15):
Yeah, metal ones are the worst too, because like they
can get, like you said, rustyand nasty and infected real
quick.
It's not like wood.
Your body eats that wood.
SPEAKER_03 (37:23):
Did you get did you get tetanus shot?
Did they give you tetanus shotas well?
Uh I I've always been current ontetanus shots.
Just every 10 years orsomething.
Still current on tetanus shots?
I actually I am.
What is it?
What is that?
And I will never get I don'tknow.
I watched I watched a videoabout the truth about tetanus.
It's fake.
(37:44):
And I will probably never getanother one in my life.
Oh, really?
What's the truth?
SPEAKER_02 (37:48):
Tell me the truth, real quick.
SPEAKER_03 (37:49):
Um, because I think how many people in the world
have had tetanus.
Tetanus or tetanus shot?
Tetanus.
SPEAKER_02 (37:59):
Have you ever had tetanus?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (38:01):
And what is it then?
So what is it?
It's like three.
So what's the reason for it?
It doesn't come from rust.
It doesn't come from rust.
It doesn't come from rusty metallike they like they make it
sound.
It comes from uh um a certainbacteria from rusted metal that
could possibly stick to rustedmetal.
(38:25):
What else would it stick to?
Well, that's that's what wouldenter your skin with this, but
there's been like three people,and I think it's actually farm
related.
SPEAKER_02 (38:37):
Okay, so besides it only happened to three people,
what's the the harm in getting atetanus shot?
Because it gives you like smallamounts of tetanus, I think.
Yes, every every uh shot thatyou get that's preemptive and
gives you what it is to buildthe antibodies to fight it, yes.
SPEAKER_03 (38:54):
And what else is there like other things in
there?
I think like possibly.
And I don't know, I look at alot of shit about vaccines and
it just all jumbles together.
There's a lot of heavy metals.
I think there's a lot ofaluminum in it, yeah.
Heavy metals.
There's well, it's not heavy,but if I'm gonna take an
aluminum anywhere, I'd rather itbe through deodorant.
(39:17):
Yeah, you don't want to smell,yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (39:19):
I agree because the you know what the the deodorants
that don't have it, they don'thelp.
I mean, it's like you didn't putdeodorant on at all.
You know, not that not that Iwant to.
You gotta get the metaldeodorant.
SPEAKER_03 (39:29):
Not that I want to get in a big thing about
vaccines and where I stand onthem, but uh I I really started
looking into shit when theytried giving my kid like a
herpes vaccine.
What?
Uh I'm like, well, you nowadaysyou get herpes from sitting on a
toilet.
Uh the Kavanaugh's don't sit,they hover.
SPEAKER_02 (39:55):
Ah, and they don't need to wipe either.
That's uh that's what I washeard in the previous episode.
It was always shit so clean theydon't they don't even need
toilet papers.
That is a clean poop.
Well, you know, I I mean that'sscary.
I would never want something inmy eye other than my eye.
(40:16):
Then a ball.
Then then yeah.
Then I mean it sucks.
SPEAKER_03 (40:21):
So I'm gonna close out this week's episode by
saying if I could give you onepiece of advice and one piece of
advice only, it's uh protectyour eyes, because once they're
gone, there ain't shit you cando about it.
What do you say about the ponystars that get jizzed in the
(40:41):
eye?
That's a job job hazard.
Jizz is actually better than anylotion you could possibly ever
put in the eye.
You don't put lotion in youreye.
SPEAKER_00 (40:50):
On next week's episode of Tap Sound Stories Tot
Cat, Jay experiments withgetting jizz in his eye.
Tony, and I won't be here.
I think that's for coming in.
SPEAKER_02 (41:03):
That's worse than getting it in your eye.
Good night.
Don't have any bad dreams.
Tap shelf stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_03 (00:22):
Nothing.
Welcome everybody to this week'sspecial edition of Top Shelf
Stories.
Why is this special?
Well, because we finally got asponsor this week.
Okay.
Today's episode brought to youby Dave's Hot Chicken.
I thought you could do it.
(00:42):
What is their slogan?
We will give you spicy shits.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (00:48):
So I'll come 15 minutes later than you're
supposed to when you orderonline.
SPEAKER_02 (00:54):
It's funny that you say that because I I was
thinking about getting that, andthen all of a sudden you guys
get it.
That's the weird thing aboutthat.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00):
We don't even invite you anymore.
I'm saying get it for myself,not with you.
What are you talking about?
To the podcast?
Yeah, I know how you got thiscrippling fear of eating in
front of other human beings.
Only you two, because you guys Iknow at home you just take your
dinner straight to the bathroom.
Closet.
So nobody can see you.
Go to my truck in the basement.
(01:21):
So today I want to talk aboutthe time I got stabbed.
What?
By my worst enemy.
What?
Stabbed?
I got stabbed.
I thought you were about to sayby my wife.
No, I got I got stabbed by my uhuh worst enemy.
Ironically, in my eyeball.
unknown (01:41):
What?
SPEAKER_00 (01:42):
Yep.
How big was it a syringe?
Well, here a tooth.
Let me tell you about it.
Was it one of those little tinyblades you get in those fancy
drinks when you're on vacation?
Like, how did you get stabbed inthe eye?
SPEAKER_02 (01:55):
The little plastic thing that holds the fruit in
your drink.
SPEAKER_00 (01:58):
Yeah.
Fruit fruit sword way beatsfruit umbrella any day.
SPEAKER_02 (02:03):
Yeah.
Those are dangerous, though.
I've gotten stabbed by thosebecause I swat them out of my
kids' hand when they try to grabthem.
SPEAKER_03 (02:10):
Yeah, because they'll they, I mean, they'll
put them in their mouth and inin and choke on them.
Yeah.
They're extremely scissors andrun.
Toothpick in their mouth,scissors in the other hand.
I don't know what these guysare.
SPEAKER_00 (02:20):
Yeah, can you cut me this apple?
Here's a knife.
So, how long ago was this now?
Like last week?
This was this was a process.
That's where he's wearingglasses right now.
SPEAKER_01 (02:32):
Safety glasses.
SPEAKER_00 (02:33):
Never knowing you might get stabbed by a drink
umbrella.
SPEAKER_03 (02:38):
So this was about 15 years ago.
And uh I was working on a jobsite.
Uh, we were installing a rubberuh gym floor.
It it was it it was technicallya rubber-based floor
specifically designed for iceskates.
So it was extremely, extremelyheavy duty and difficult to work
(03:02):
with.
And when you cut a rubber floor,uh, it does this weird thing
with your knife where where itit like grips it.
Like imagine you're having sexand a vagina's too tight, and
you put your wiener in and youcannot get it out.
Does that happen to you?
But then when it comes out, itjust flies right out, right?
SPEAKER_02 (03:26):
Well, so you're speaking from first hand
experience, like a suctionalmost.
SPEAKER_03 (03:30):
Yeah, yeah, it has this like weird uh grippy
suction to it when you when yourun a knife through it.
SPEAKER_02 (03:38):
Okay.
And uh I just find it weird andstrange that you can ice skate
on top of something that'srubber.
SPEAKER_00 (03:46):
I can't even.
No, it's probably so you don'tdamage the skates or the floor
and can walk around.
SPEAKER_03 (03:51):
Yeah, this is all outside.
All outside of the ice.
I thought it was actually skateon.
No, they're not zambonying thisrubber floor.
SPEAKER_02 (04:01):
That's what I thought.
SPEAKER_03 (04:02):
But uh that's what I pictured in my head.
I'm glad I asked.
So I I was cutting this piece ofthis rubber with this knife that
has like a little hook on theend.
Sure.
And uh it got stuck in there.
And when it finally popped out,the pressure of like me twisting
the knife snapped the tip ofthis blade off.
(04:25):
And somehow, some way to thisday, I'm not even sure how the
fuck it happened, but that tipof that knife blade flew up and
stuck dead smack middle of myeyeball.
SPEAKER_00 (04:37):
So is yourself.
SPEAKER_03 (04:39):
Yeah, it was myself.
So you're you're you're yourworst enemy?
Yeah.
For sure.
That's not everybody else lovesme.
I fucking hate me.
SPEAKER_00 (04:47):
So I'll uh so you probably wore gloves because the
writing on it that says wearsafety goggles was rubbing
against your hand all day and itgave you a blister.
So you were wearing gloves inorder to grip this thing, and
you got yourself in the eye.
SPEAKER_03 (05:02):
Got myself right in the eye.
I'm confused how you thinkthat's being stabbed.
Well, the knife fucking theblade sta it entered my body.
SPEAKER_00 (05:12):
I wear it was a knife in eye.
I I mean, in I wear safetyglasses during almost any
activity that could even potlike weed whacking, I'm wearing
safety.
Not just necessary safetyglasses, but at least some
frickin' glasses.
SPEAKER_03 (05:27):
The full face shield that activities like even sex?
SPEAKER_00 (05:31):
Maybe.
If it's if we're doing any typeof I definitely wear rubber toys
or anything.
Things can get wild.
SPEAKER_03 (05:40):
You know, when the when the old lady breaks out the
sawzall.
SPEAKER_00 (05:44):
So when I was doing concrete work, I had this boss.
I have this boss who would makeus who would not make us really,
but he would highly encourage usto always wear sunglasses at
least, safety sunglassespreferred, and safety glasses,
because even hammering nail andwood together, he said he would
(06:07):
say, Listen, listen, here'swhere am I right?
You can you can walk with awooden leg, but you can't see
with a wooden eye where yoursafety goggles.
Am I right?
Am I right?
And that was his am I right?
SPEAKER_02 (06:22):
Yeah, well, you're right.
You can't run with a wooden legeither.
SPEAKER_00 (06:25):
Ingrained in me.
And now I can't even like open arazor blade without thinking to
myself, what thing am I gonnado?
Am I gonna close or protect myeye with?
SPEAKER_02 (06:36):
So you have whenever you see a razor blade, you like
run away and ah give me myglasses.
SPEAKER_00 (06:41):
Yeah, like they have those nuclear sirens where
everyone used to get under thedesk.
I get under the desk.
No, I'm just saying, man, that'san example of you're lucky to be
able to see for real.
Because I don't think that's awood knock.
SPEAKER_03 (06:56):
It kind of it couldn't have gone that deep.
Uh it went deep enough whereokay, so have you guys ever been
in like a life or deathsituation where everything
around you like slows down?
It's like everything stops.
Like they portray it in moviesall the time.
Yeah.
Um, there's been like threetimes in my life where that has
(07:19):
happened, and and it gives youlike what feels like an extra
five minutes to like think aboutwhat's gonna happen next before
it happens, but realistically,it was like a fraction of a
second.
SPEAKER_02 (07:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:35):
Um but I don't I don't know if it's like
everything slows down or yourbrain just speeds up to figure
out how to get you out ofwhatever this situation is.
It definitely has to do withyour brain.
SPEAKER_00 (07:48):
I believe it's your brain getting faster.
I don't think the world slowsdown every time someone's about
to do that.
You don't think so?
SPEAKER_03 (07:53):
No.
You don't think the world'srunning at like 0.25 of its
normal speed because everybody'shaving this reaction to
something.
SPEAKER_00 (08:02):
It's my understanding that there's a
large probability that yourbrain releases some DMT when you
die.
Uh huh.
And a DMT trip, from what Iunderstand, from what you've
read on the internet, is I'venot done any DMT in my day that
I know of.
(08:22):
And it's apparently like onehour in the world, but like a
decade in your brain.
So if you're about to die oryou're having this fight or
fight, fear fight moment, maybeit's the beginning of that.
And then your brain realizes,oh, wait, wait, okay, we're
(08:42):
good.
He just got some fucking knifein his eye.
Yeah.
We're not gonna die, and thenyour your body like sucks back
that dosage.
SPEAKER_03 (08:53):
So so it was this really weird situation where I
almost felt as if I was standingoutside myself looking at
myself.
SPEAKER_00 (09:03):
That sounds near life.
Because so you thought you weregonna die in the eye.
SPEAKER_03 (09:08):
I don't know.
I don't know what my bodythought was gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02 (09:13):
But you went through all the things that could
happen, like you get infectionin your eyeball, and that might
kill you slowly.
SPEAKER_00 (09:20):
Or had it gone all the way through and into your
brain because you were puttingwe're like closing and covering
your eye back.
SPEAKER_03 (09:25):
They are the epitome of the word razor sharp.
Oh, yeah.
But um, so probably hot from thefucking friction, yeah, of the
rubber.
It actually didn't cut into myeye, it melted into it.
Maybe that's what saved you.
And you got rubber in your eyenow, too, because of the well,
(09:46):
yeah, probably some kind ofresidue from the blade.
SPEAKER_02 (09:50):
So that's chemicals in your eye.
SPEAKER_00 (09:51):
But technically, people could rock around on
their ice skates in your eye fora minute.
SPEAKER_02 (09:57):
I like the crit I like your idea there, Chris.
SPEAKER_03 (10:00):
But but the thing about it is is you know, when it
happens, you don't really knowwhat happened, and it was it I
felt like I was in like an MMvideo.
Like he has this video wherehe's like doing something and
then it stops, and then the uh Ithink it's bad meets evil.
(10:21):
The camera rotates, the camerarotates, and it's him standing
outside of himself with Dr.
Dre doing like the angel devilthing to him.
And it it's like I felt like Iwas outside of myself, and I
looked at myself and I'm like,holy fuck, this blade's in your
eye.
(10:42):
What do you do?
And I remember vividly likehurrying up and holding my
eyelid open and running to amirror.
And that's when I got to themirror, like by that time my
fucking eye is so dry, like allI want to do is blink.
(11:03):
It there's but the way that theblade was stuck in my eye, it
was up and down, and if I wouldhave blinked, it would have
bifurcated my entire eyelid.
I like your words, and then Icanate fucking sewing.
It would have been extremelydifficult.
This is I like what you did.
(11:26):
I mean, it's like dick skin.
It's like like an eighth asthick as root.
SPEAKER_00 (11:31):
You probably would have had to get a patch from
your dick to sew it togetherwith.
I would have had I would haveYou would have been a dick face.
SPEAKER_03 (11:38):
I would have had nut sack eyelids.
You know, you'd have a sack eye.
I would have just been growinglike three straggler hairs.
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
Look at me in my sack eye and tell me that.
SPEAKER_02 (11:48):
Every time you blink, you'd see all those
fucking wrinkles in the fuckingyour eyelid.
SPEAKER_00 (11:54):
He's got a couple fucking scroll hairs growing out
of it all the time.
SPEAKER_03 (11:58):
Little kids in elevators, like, mom, what's
wrong with that guy's eyelid?
SPEAKER_02 (12:03):
No one fucking knows.
And I'll do the smart thing,because you know, when I I
splashed fucking cement in myeye, what did I do?
I fucking rubbed it right away.
And that's not smart that'ssand.
SPEAKER_03 (12:12):
I scratched the shit out of my cornea.
Dude, I don't know.
I felt like I watched myself runto the mirror.
It was the wildest shit in mylife.
SPEAKER_02 (12:22):
You it wasn't even near death experience, and still
you saw yourself in the thirdperson.
Wait, I there's no other what isthat?
SPEAKER_03 (12:31):
There's no other way to explain it.
Like, I I know what I saw, and Isaw myself from outside of my
body.
It it is fucking crazy as it is,but if I wouldn't have, I I
wouldn't have held my eyelidopen.
I wouldn't have known like whenyou get something in your eye,
(12:52):
like you can't see what it is.
SPEAKER_00 (12:54):
I immediately would have thought to close it and
hold my hand over it.
Yeah, me too.
SPEAKER_02 (12:58):
But and if close death experiences, I've been
riverbo riverboat boat rafting,and I was stuck under a rapid,
and it kept pushing me down.
I kept pushing me down, pushingme down, pushing me down.
And like the same thing,everything got really slow, and
like I just saw lights, and Ialways say to my my buddy that
(13:19):
that actually saved my life.
He I felt like he was Jesusreaching into the fucking Red
Sea with his arm and picked meout of the water because like
he's like seven foot tall.
So like he was his he's reallyjust like 5'11.
But the water was two feet deep.
Yeah.
He's a giant.
(13:40):
He was, and he grabbed me,picked me out, and like survived
me.
SPEAKER_00 (13:46):
Mouth to mouth.
SPEAKER_02 (13:47):
No, I was that wasn't that to mouth after for
payments.
I just remember not.
I just remember not being ableto get out of that rapid.
SPEAKER_00 (13:59):
That had to be terrifying.
SPEAKER_03 (14:00):
And getting pushed back in it, like almost getting
out, pushed back, getting out,pushed back.
That same shit happened to mywife, dude.
That shit was terrifying.
I wasn't wearing white a lifepreserver.
Either was my wife, and we werethere were like eight rafts
chained together, and she keptgetting stuck under all the
rafts.
That's scary, dude.
It sucks you in.
And uh, I had to flip somebodyelse off of their raft to save
(14:22):
her life.
I figured, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_01 (14:24):
You killed someone else's sick.
SPEAKER_03 (14:25):
Yeah, dude.
I'm like, I ain't raising thesekids.
He doesn't have shit to live.
SPEAKER_02 (14:34):
The first thing Tony thinks about whenever his wife's
about to die.
SPEAKER_01 (14:37):
I'm raising these kids alone.
How much work it's gonna be toraise these kids alone.
SPEAKER_03 (14:41):
So much to do.
I'm like, I'd rather have everyother weekend than fucking seven
days a week.
SPEAKER_01 (14:48):
Oh, you're fucked.
You know that doesn't herfriends listen to this podcast?
I don't know, but they're gonnafind out about that.
The only reason why you want herto survive is so you don't have
to babysit your kids.
SPEAKER_03 (15:04):
I wouldn't be here right now.
Well, I know if I would have lether ass die, I'd be at home
fucking trying to figure outwhat to do with two fucking
children.
Now that's her problem.
But uh, but so I pulled I pulledthis knife blade out of my eye
with my fingers.
(15:24):
And much like I assume everybodyis, like, can anybody touch your
guys' eyes?
I can touch my eyes.
SPEAKER_02 (15:31):
Oh, I thought you'd I thought you're gonna say, Did
you smelt it?
I would have smelled it.
SPEAKER_03 (15:34):
Dude, there there's in no in no situation can I
touch my eye for anything.
What do you mean?
SPEAKER_00 (15:44):
What do you mean just I was just manipulating hot
sauce chicken fingers, and I'mabout ready to prove to you I
could stab myself in the finger.
SPEAKER_03 (15:52):
You mean touch your eye with your finger?
Yeah, I can't touch my eye withmy finger.
I can't put eye drops in.
Like I cannot do anything.
I used to have contacts.
Turn off the recording.
SPEAKER_00 (16:01):
I can't be friends with you guys.
I I can't, I gotta I almostturned it off.
SPEAKER_02 (16:05):
I I I used to have contacts, so no, I can touch my
eyes all I want.
Oh my god, dude.
That's like my worst.
You healed, you got your eyesfixed.
I got I got LASIK.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
I got LASIK.
I couldn't handle the fuckingtaking that shit in and out and
uh not falling asleep with them.
SPEAKER_00 (16:21):
But did you have superhero strength and were able
to touch your eye at this point?
I did.
Was it the shit?
Was it the you you saw or youthe you you that did it?
SPEAKER_03 (16:31):
It was the me, me guided by the me outside.
SPEAKER_02 (16:34):
Basically, you knew what to do because the guy that
you saw doing it did it right.
SPEAKER_00 (16:39):
Maybe that guy's your better half.
Maybe we should be hanging outwith him.
Dude, I wish I could.
He's not afraid of touching hiseye.
SPEAKER_03 (16:46):
I try to intentionally get into those
kinds of situations, just so Icould have a conversation with
him.
Does he have a different name?
I don't know.
Did you ever ask him?
SPEAKER_00 (16:57):
I haven't got to see him again.
It's interesting.
SPEAKER_01 (16:59):
We'll just make that happen.
Do you think I'll stand out infront of traffic hoping he shows
up?
SPEAKER_00 (17:04):
What about this?
What if whoa, just had a thing.
You know, you slow down time andeverything.
What if you slowed down time inyour head and all that to think
about how you saw yourselfoutside?
What if Parallel Universe, youhad not slowed down time and was
like, oh fuck, I gotta save thatguy.
That's me, and taught you how tograb your own eye.
SPEAKER_03 (17:27):
Or it could have been my father.
I don't know.
I've finally came back with thesmokes, kid.
Oh shit, you got something inyour eye.
SPEAKER_02 (17:38):
We always talk about uh told you I'd be feared for
you.
Going going in the store formilk.
That's the cue of not comingback.
Your dad went to the store toget milk.
No, but you said you had therazor in your eye.
SPEAKER_03 (17:50):
You saw it in your eye, or can't it wasn't in your
eye?
I I seen it in my eye fromoutside my body.
It was sticking into my eye.
No, but seriously though, was itin your eye?
Yes.
So how did you get it out?
With my fingers.
I holding my eye open with onehand.
How big was it, the shard?
SPEAKER_02 (18:07):
Um like was it hard to grab?
Like you had to really getsomething small because your
fingers are pretty fat andstubby.
SPEAKER_03 (18:16):
It was like an eighth inch that went straight
to a point.
Uh, you know, as thin as a sheetof paper.
You got it with your finger.
Probably a quarter inch long.
You got it with your finger.
So yeah, I did.
It was fucking crazy.
SPEAKER_02 (18:32):
And how long did it take for you to see out of that
eye?
You went to the doctor, right?
No, so no, you just put a banditon it, or super.
I got super glue.
SPEAKER_00 (18:41):
Ah, I gotta walk this off, guys.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
You're gonna walk this off.
SPEAKER_03 (18:46):
I I pulled it out, and uh one of my co-workers came
and followed me, and he was likemy hype man.
He's like, Oh shit, you juststabbed yourself in the eye.
He's running behind me.
He's like, He's like, get thatshit, bro.
SPEAKER_00 (19:03):
Get it.
If that was today, dude wouldhave been recording you.
Hold on, bro.
Don't pull it out yet.
I gotta get my phone and let mego live.
I'm gonna go live.
Let me don't pull it out.
Don't pull.
I'm gonna go live.
SPEAKER_02 (19:16):
So I got a friendly.
SPEAKER_00 (19:18):
Let me do it in your friend Tony.
He's 10 stopping out.
Let's stop.
Don't pull it out.
Hold on, let me get this hotterview.
He's gonna pull out.
Let's get 10 likes.
Don't pull it out of his heart.
Tony hearts.
Let me see those heights.
Let me see those heights.
We're gonna send out.
Pick a comment.
(19:38):
Write a comment in the commentsection.
We're gonna send out the pieceof the fucking metal.
If you can guess the length ofthat fucking chart in his eye,
you will win.
Man, if they had these thingswhen I was 16, I would have been
the biggest streamer there everwas.
That's exactly what they'redoing.
SPEAKER_01 (19:55):
I need 25 comments.
SPEAKER_00 (19:56):
I need to record videos.
My uncle was doing it for awhile.
They made their own littlesports center where they I did
that too with my brother.
SPEAKER_03 (20:04):
Me and Witcher brother's.
SPEAKER_02 (20:06):
Probably.
SPEAKER_03 (20:07):
He just signs out every episode with hey, what
time is Dude?
SPEAKER_01 (20:11):
You should have seen some of these videos.
Take a look at my watch.
Oh, talking about the skinwatch.
SPEAKER_00 (20:19):
I get it now.
I get it now.
Okay, so let's go back.
SPEAKER_02 (20:22):
Oh, he goes, he wants the bubblegum.
He takes his fucking nutsack andcurls it up into his fist.
I'm like, You mean my potatoeyelid?
SPEAKER_00 (20:32):
You can get it off a nutsack if you tie it tight
enough around, it won't evenbleed.
SPEAKER_03 (20:37):
Getting a nutsack for an eyelid would be terrible,
but getting somebody else'snutsack for your eyelid would be
the worst fucking thing thatcould happen to you.
You'd always have pink eyes.
You would just always smile verynuts.
SPEAKER_00 (20:52):
You'd wake up slapping your own face because
you got dick on your eye.
You'd be scratching your eye.
SPEAKER_03 (20:58):
You'd be scratching your eye all the time.
You think if I ended up withsome of Dan's nutsack for an
eyelid, if I blink too fast inan alternate reality, he would
come.
SPEAKER_02 (21:10):
He would keep blinking.
He can't just blink once andhe's done.
I think Dan can last a littlelonger than that.
But uh let's call him and findout.
Um you think he would give youpart of his testicle that's
gonna repair your eyeball?
SPEAKER_00 (21:25):
I'd give I'd give up a little bit of my nut skin and
fix your eye, Tony.
SPEAKER_02 (21:30):
They wouldn't hang, they wouldn't hang as long.
SPEAKER_00 (21:31):
Like Jay's saying, if you just pinch it off, you
could probably snip some outwithout even having to go to the
doctor.
SPEAKER_03 (21:37):
Just staple, we'll just take some and just staple a
wrinkle and cut up covered.
SPEAKER_00 (21:42):
You can use like, what's that?
Uh a liquid band-aid or maybejust some plumber cement or
whatever, and we'll just slap iton your eye.
SPEAKER_03 (21:50):
If you had to get a nut sack for an eyelid, I would
I would request that they put iton upside down.
So so the part that touches thenuts is on the outside.
See all the tiny little things.
SPEAKER_00 (22:03):
You think the part that touches the nuts is
cleaner, worse off than the thanthe part of the nut that gets
touched by everything else?
SPEAKER_02 (22:11):
Oh, there's just something about having you know
what's fucking you know what'sfucking gross is I just finished
watching the Ed Gean series onNetflix about him.
SPEAKER_00 (22:21):
He had nutsack teacups, didn't he?
SPEAKER_02 (22:23):
No, he only did girl stuff.
He only messed with girl boxes.
Oh, that makes it better.
But it just him making stuff outof skin, and now I'm thinking
about you with your eyeball madeout of nutsack.
SPEAKER_03 (22:32):
Oh, so this is a relevant topic to your life.
Number one on Netflix right now.
You're at home making blueprintsabout making fucking tit skin
lamps.
SPEAKER_02 (22:42):
My wife's like, why is your nuts so high up now?
I've started cutting skin offand making shit out of it.
SPEAKER_03 (22:48):
Uh but no, so so this is like the crazier thing
about it.
So I pull this shard of razorblade out of my eye, and and
then I start giving myself somewell-deserved blinks and getting
that eye all back lubed up likeit was supposed to be.
(23:09):
Because now, I mean I don't knowI don't know if it was 10
minutes or 10 seconds.
Like it feel it felt like aneternity, but I'm sure it was
something like 20 or 30 seconds.
SPEAKER_02 (23:20):
But it's gotta feel it's gotta feel like it's still
in your eye, even if you'retaking it out.
SPEAKER_03 (23:24):
But but you know, just I mean, take your fingers
and hold your eyelid open for 30seconds, like your eyes fucking
dry.
SPEAKER_02 (23:32):
I have 99% blocked uh eye drop uh uh ear what the
fuck?
Tear ducks.
What the fuck I can't even talkright now.
Dear ducks.
You'll get there.
You'll get there.
It'll get there.
And uh I have to I have to puteye drops in my eyes five times
a day.
So yes, I know what it feelslike to not I have to literally
blink 16 times per per second.
(23:52):
No, that doesn't make sense.
SPEAKER_03 (23:55):
But anyway, um as soon as I got the shard out and
I gave myself some good blinks,got that eye back lubed up to
factory new.
Um it was like nothing happened.
There there was no like impairedvision.
There was no It couldn't havebeen traveling that fast.
There was nothing weird.
(24:16):
But you didn't go to the doctor?
So, no, I went back to work.
You lie.
SPEAKER_00 (24:22):
You went home.
I I got honest, I did.
You went home, took a bath.
You're like, hey boss, I'm gonnago have half a smoke though.
Let me walk this one off.
SPEAKER_03 (24:30):
No, so so I was actually working, I was actually
working, ironically, at the highschool my that's in my district
that I live now.
So it's like my kids' highschool is where this happened.
So that was like a weirdpremonition.
Yeah.
I mean, I you know, it was thefirst time I ever heard of that
(24:51):
high school and I worked there15 years ago.
It was actually it was more thanf it was it was over 20 years,
it was 20 years ago.
SPEAKER_00 (25:00):
Are we just gonna overlook the fact that there's a
high school that has a rubberice screen, ice skating rink in
it?
SPEAKER_03 (25:06):
Oh yeah, one one of the families is is extremely
wealthy.
Listen to this shit.
Oh, I'm aware.
We're all we're all listening sothey're they're extremely
wealthy, and their kids weresuper big into hockey, and they
didn't like the fact that theyhad to drive to a different city
(25:28):
to take their kid for hockeypractice.
Makes sense.
And it was it was their oldestkid who was like a freshman in
high school.
So they wanted it next door.
So they were like, drivingtwenty-eight minutes for hockey
practice three times a week isfucking bullshit.
(25:50):
It is bullshit.
And they paid in full to buildthe Mullet Ice Center at
Arrowhead High School inHeartland, Wisconsin.
They paid in full.
I would do the same thing.
And to this day, because thiswas 20 years ago, to this day,
(26:10):
that family, their kids are longout.
They're their kids' kids arestarting to get to the age where
they're gonna be going to thathigh school soon.
And they're too they're too faraway from there, so they gotta
build another one.
That family still pays towardthe kids that want to be on
hockey, toward their equipmentbecause of how fucking expensive
(26:32):
their equipment is.
SPEAKER_00 (26:34):
That's great.
SPEAKER_03 (26:35):
Um yeah.
So anyway.
SPEAKER_00 (26:38):
So it's really like the hockey rink built by a rich
person for kids who can't seegood.
Yeah.
Built built by kids who can'tsee good.
What is this?
A school for ants?
Yeah, is that what you'rereferencing?
SPEAKER_01 (26:50):
I was trying to.
But uh what's the point if theycan't fit into the building?
It has to be at least threetimes the size.
SPEAKER_03 (27:04):
But uh, I went back to work um for the rest of the
day, like nothing ever happened,and I went home because this was
a time before like cell phoneswhere you're just fucking
talking on your phone for noreason.
You know, I had a phone, but itwas 50 cents a minute, so I
(27:25):
didn't feel like anything majorenough that warrant a
three-dollar phone call.
So I got home.
This is when you weren't rich,right?
Yeah, this was pre-wealth.
Okay.
Wealth.
SPEAKER_00 (27:39):
Uh now you have your own ice skater inka.
Pre employees to cut their eyes.
SPEAKER_02 (27:46):
Pre-weekly, pre-weekly haircuts and pet
monthly pedicures.
Uh so I manicures, was it?
Petties.
Yeah, pedicure.
SPEAKER_00 (27:55):
You're such I end up here, man.
What did you say?
So I go and I end up here.
SPEAKER_03 (28:01):
I go home and I tell my wife uh all about the getting
stabbed in the eye, the seeingmyself from the outside, blah
blah blah.
She goes to work the next dayand she's drugs, were you too?
She starts talking to herfriends, like, yeah, this is
crazy.
My husband stabbed himself inthe eye with a fucking broken
razor blade yesterday, and oneof her co-workers was telling
(28:25):
her, Oh my god, my husband got avery, very small metal shard in
his eye, and it infected his eyeto the point that he lost all
his vision and one of his eyesfrom this microscopic metal
shard.
(28:46):
So now all of a sudden, my wifehas three dollar phone call
money, and she calls me and shetells me I need to stop what the
fuck I'm doing and go to thehospital and have them look at
my eye.
You're like, wait, babe.
I'm like, I'm telling you rightnow, I'm like, I see just as
good as any time in my life.
(29:09):
Like telling us this story.
SPEAKER_00 (29:10):
There's nothing wrong with this.
He's telling us this story whilewearing a new pair of glasses
that we've only seen him in overthe last five years.
SPEAKER_02 (29:16):
Yeah, why are you wearing glasses telling the
story?
Because I'm 45 years old.
Are you afraid something's gonnahit your eye now?
SPEAKER_00 (29:23):
He's wearing safety gear to tell this tale.
SPEAKER_01 (29:27):
Safety?
Yes, safety sense.
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (29:31):
Back then it was safety second.
Now it's safety first.
SPEAKER_02 (29:33):
You have a dead deer carcass head above you if it
fell and it's it could, thosehorns could stab you right in
the eye.
SPEAKER_03 (29:40):
Yeah.
Back 20 years ago, safety in mylife was reactive, not
proactive.
Now I wear safety glasses so Idon't splash piss in my eye.
Like it doesn't matter what I'mdoing.
You have glasses for peeing?
Yeah.
Only in Portageons or No, Ithey're in the bathroom.
(30:02):
Just close your eyes or look up.
They're yellow tinted, so Idon't even see it coming.
SPEAKER_02 (30:06):
Your wife is gonna complain about you pissing on
the seat anyway.
What do you guys mean?
It splashes mine so long itdoesn't make a splash.
SPEAKER_01 (30:13):
It's like he did to sometimes.
SPEAKER_03 (30:17):
It's like filling up a bucket with a garden hose.
SPEAKER_02 (30:22):
Where you don't want it to splash, you just put it
all the way in the bucket.
unknown (30:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (30:27):
Chris is like, my dick's in the bucket.
SPEAKER_03 (30:30):
But uh my wife told me to go to the doctor, and I
told her, absolutely not.
Not gonna fucking happen.
This is the only day in in thehistory of working that I
carpooled with somebody.
I drove somebody to the job sitebecause at that time uh where I
live now felt like a fuckingmillion miles away.
(30:54):
Oh, it's still that far away.
Is it?
Yeah, it's 21 minutes from here.
SPEAKER_02 (30:58):
Yo, yeah, and quick, I got something in my eye, went
to the doctor, I have insurance,I have shit insurance.
The bill came back, my insurancedidn't cover it.
$1,200 for them to look in myeye and give me jizz to put in
my eye to clean it out.
Makes sense.
SPEAKER_00 (31:12):
So yeah, you could have gone to Tony Total
Donations for the Jiz.
SPEAKER_02 (31:16):
Yeah, I know.
So it's a sickest shit I had toput in my eye for.
SPEAKER_00 (31:20):
This episode is also brought to you by Tony Total
Donations for pickup, delivery,drop off, whatever you need.
We're there for you.
SPEAKER_03 (31:26):
I go, I go to the doctor.
It's a good slogan.
Uh we go to uh I go to thedoctor and uh I tell them the
situation, and they go, Okay,first question is how come
you're here today and notyesterday?
My wife.
And that's what I told 'em.
(31:47):
And uh and we can't do anythingfor you.
So so they had to take a look atit, and uh uh they had to lay me
down on this table.
They did turn the lights off andyeah, they had to put like some
kind of drop in my eye, and thenlook at my eye with a UV light
to see how bad the cut was.
SPEAKER_02 (32:10):
And then have you roll over and then take your
pants off.
SPEAKER_03 (32:14):
That doesn't happen to you?
No, it's not like the doctor yougo to.
Oh shit.
That's why I paid$1,200.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um so they they quickly realizethat touching my eyes is not
something that can happen realeasy.
Well, they have things to holdyour lids open.
(32:34):
Uh well, they actually theyactually have to get it.
Two nurses and one holding onelid up, they they actually
strapped me to the table.
SPEAKER_01 (32:45):
They put you on a kid bed where they had kids,
they had to kick kids down.
SPEAKER_03 (32:50):
It had restraints on it, and I had to be strapped to
it.
You're like, we need a doublekid bed because they could
triple kid bed for this guy theycould not touch my fucking eye.
SPEAKER_02 (32:59):
And um because you're fighting them, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (33:02):
And dude, I remember this.
The doctor made a nurse crouchdown so her head was at the same
level as my head, and take herhands and put her fingers
together and hold my foreheaddown to the table while like my
arms and body were strapped tothe table.
(33:24):
Yeah, you could take a pinky andhold someone's head down.
It's pretty easy.
It's not that easy.
No, when I'm involuntarilythrashing my head up.
SPEAKER_02 (33:35):
I'm saying, like, it's not hard to keep someone
down when you hold them just bythe forehead.
You ever try that little trickthat people used to do?
No.
Okay, well, we'll do it later.
But um I'm gonna go home beforethat part.
SPEAKER_03 (33:47):
They actually gave I'm gonna put my penis on his
forehead and say, get up.
So they gave me 30 days of eyedrops that needed to be put in
my eyes every three day ones.
Every like four hours, and itwas a sequence.
It was a sequence, they werenumbered one through five.
(34:12):
There were five differentdroppers, and I had to put them
in, and I had to wait like twominutes between each numbered
drop.
SPEAKER_02 (34:22):
Well, they really upped their game in the years on
eye drops for real because 30fucking days.
You said 15.
SPEAKER_03 (34:30):
I got honest, think that they did this to fucking
ruin my life.
SPEAKER_02 (34:35):
Or just to charge you a shot.
How much did I do?
SPEAKER_03 (34:38):
Just because oh I dude, I had fucking phenomenal
insurance back then.
Well, you worked for the union.
It was free.
Well, the the union doesn't havegood insurance anymore.
Twenty years ago, they had thebest insurance.
It cost me like eight dollars.
Oh, eight dollars.
Oh my god.
But now it would have been thefucking eighty, five hundred
(34:59):
dollar deductible per person.
Wow.
But um I think because I wassuch a problem for them trying
to look at my eye, I think theyprobably could have just like
put three drops in my eye andbeen like, you're good.
I think they did this literallyto fucking destroy my life for a
(35:23):
month.
Can I like really?
Are you that bad with trying totouch your eye?
It's it's pretty fuckingterrible.
SPEAKER_00 (35:33):
Man, I got like three feet to him, and he
already slapped my hand on.
SPEAKER_02 (35:37):
Why is that?
No, I don't understand.
Maybe did you get like somethingin your eye when you're really
young?
SPEAKER_03 (35:43):
Maybe.
Like, was it?
Maybe there's some kind oftrauma that I don't know about
that happened in my life.
SPEAKER_00 (35:48):
I mean, there's a lot of people that are like
that.
Most of them would.
SPEAKER_02 (35:51):
Well, you said you were raped as a child, so well,
it was an attempted rape.
Okay, so maybe somethinghappened in that there, and they
wanted from the in the eye?
Well, you know, you never know.
I don't know if you know whatrape is.
They missed, they must havemissed.
The aim was off.
SPEAKER_00 (36:13):
Damn, Tony got stabbed in the eyeball.
That's scary.
You ripped it out yourself.
SPEAKER_03 (36:19):
Well, did you really rip it out?
I pulled it out.
How hard is it was it to comeout?
I I don't remember.
I imagined pretty easily.
Was it like your description?
It had to be going very slow.
SPEAKER_02 (36:30):
Was it your description of a big penis and a
small vagina thing?
Or was it popping?
SPEAKER_03 (36:36):
That was the knife in rubber.
Okay.
And my eye, it came out like apenis going into a very loose
vagina.
SPEAKER_01 (36:45):
Loosy goosey.
SPEAKER_00 (36:47):
Yeah, I things in your eye get me.
I couldn't imagine having metalin there.
I get like a concrete like Jay'shad there a couple weeks ago.
I've had that, and like lime isreally bad, dries you out, and
gets all you know, cementpowder.
It's no good.
SPEAKER_02 (37:03):
Well, my my my cousin works with uh metal, he's
uh tool and dye guy, and he getsshit in his well, he wears eye
protection a lot, but he getsslivers all the time.
SPEAKER_00 (37:15):
Yeah, metal ones are the worst too, because like they
can get, like you said, rustyand nasty and infected real
quick.
It's not like wood.
Your body eats that wood.
SPEAKER_03 (37:23):
Did you get did you get tetanus shot?
Did they give you tetanus shotas well?
Uh I I've always been current ontetanus shots.
Just every 10 years orsomething.
Still current on tetanus shots?
I actually I am.
What is it?
What is that?
And I will never get I don'tknow.
I watched I watched a videoabout the truth about tetanus.
It's fake.
(37:44):
And I will probably never getanother one in my life.
Oh, really?
What's the truth?
SPEAKER_02 (37:48):
Tell me the truth, real quick.
SPEAKER_03 (37:49):
Um, because I think how many people in the world
have had tetanus.
Tetanus or tetanus shot?
Tetanus.
SPEAKER_02 (37:59):
Have you ever had tetanus?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (38:01):
And what is it then?
So what is it?
It's like three.
So what's the reason for it?
It doesn't come from rust.
It doesn't come from rust.
It doesn't come from rusty metallike they like they make it
sound.
It comes from uh um a certainbacteria from rusted metal that
could possibly stick to rustedmetal.
(38:25):
What else would it stick to?
Well, that's that's what wouldenter your skin with this, but
there's been like three people,and I think it's actually farm
related.
SPEAKER_02 (38:37):
Okay, so besides it only happened to three people,
what's the the harm in getting atetanus shot?
Because it gives you like smallamounts of tetanus, I think.
Yes, every every uh shot thatyou get that's preemptive and
gives you what it is to buildthe antibodies to fight it, yes.
SPEAKER_03 (38:54):
And what else is there like other things in
there?
I think like possibly.
And I don't know, I look at alot of shit about vaccines and
it just all jumbles together.
There's a lot of heavy metals.
I think there's a lot ofaluminum in it, yeah.
Heavy metals.
There's well, it's not heavy,but if I'm gonna take an
aluminum anywhere, I'd rather itbe through deodorant.
(39:17):
Yeah, you don't want to smell,yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (39:19):
I agree because the you know what the the deodorants
that don't have it, they don'thelp.
I mean, it's like you didn't putdeodorant on at all.
You know, not that not that Iwant to.
You gotta get the metaldeodorant.
SPEAKER_03 (39:29):
Not that I want to get in a big thing about
vaccines and where I stand onthem, but uh I I really started
looking into shit when theytried giving my kid like a
herpes vaccine.
What?
Uh I'm like, well, you nowadaysyou get herpes from sitting on a
toilet.
Uh the Kavanaugh's don't sit,they hover.
SPEAKER_02 (39:55):
Ah, and they don't need to wipe either.
That's uh that's what I washeard in the previous episode.
It was always shit so clean theydon't they don't even need
toilet papers.
That is a clean poop.
Well, you know, I I mean that'sscary.
I would never want something inmy eye other than my eye.
(40:16):
Then a ball.
Then then yeah.
Then I mean it sucks.
SPEAKER_03 (40:21):
So I'm gonna close out this week's episode by
saying if I could give you onepiece of advice and one piece of
advice only, it's uh protectyour eyes, because once they're
gone, there ain't shit you cando about it.
What do you say about the ponystars that get jizzed in the
(40:41):
eye?
That's a job job hazard.
Jizz is actually better than anylotion you could possibly ever
put in the eye.
You don't put lotion in youreye.
SPEAKER_00 (40:50):
On next week's episode of Tap Sound Stories Tot
Cat, Jay experiments withgetting jizz in his eye.
Tony, and I won't be here.
I think that's for coming in.
SPEAKER_02 (41:03):
That's worse than getting it in your eye.
Good night.
Don't have any bad dreams.
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