August 18, 2025 • 29 mins
Ever noticed how losing something unexpectedly creates space for something better? When my favorite kitchen appliance broke down after years of faithful service, I reluctantly went shopping for a replacement. What I discovered was something I never knew existed. This wasn't just a replacement; it was a significant upgrade that would never have entered my life had my old appliance not died.
This experience perfectly mirrors so many transitions we face. Whether it's the end of a relationship, leaving a toxic workplace, or outgrowing a living situation, we often cling desperately to what's familiar—even when it no longer serves us. We tell stories that position ourselves as victims, focusing on what others did rather than how we responded or what we learned.
Drawing from my own experiences working in construction (an industry that was clearly wrong for me) and observing friends emerging from controlling relationships, I explore how we become conditioned to accept limitations and walk on eggshells. The deconditioning process—rediscovering who we are without these external definitions—takes time but leads to profound freedom.
So the next time something breaks down in your life, consider that it might be clearing space for an unexpected upgrade you never knew you needed.
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Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode I'm going to share
with you a story about how myfavorite kitchen appliance broke
and I had to replace it overthe weekend.
But before we dive into thatstory, I want you to know that
by the end of this episode youwill have some questions that
you can ask yourself and toolsto reframe how you view a
(01:04):
tragedy, a sudden loss, anabrupt ending, maybe something
that you feel has loose ends,that you never got closure, that
it's just kind of drifting offin the wind, and you're
dissatisfied with the way thesituation unraveled.
Now I have a new appliance inmy kitchen that I have fallen in
(01:32):
love with.
I have used it since I boughtit.
Since I brought it home, I'veused it multiple times.
The funny part about this is Ihad no idea this type of device
existed and how much I was goingto absolutely love it because I
hadn't given it any thought.
(01:53):
So earlier this past week Iwant to say midweek my favorite
appliance was not workingproperly.
I had emphasis on the pasttense.
I had a small convection oven,toaster, air fryer, and it was
(02:17):
one that had two areas where youcould slide a tray in so you
could toast on one rack and thenyou can either bake or air fry
on the top rack.
And it had a door that unfoldedfrom the top down, so it's sort
of opened towards you like abigger oven.
I loved this thing.
I got it as a gift when I movedinto the current apartment I'm
(02:40):
living in in 2021, I probablyused it every single day.
All the different features andsettings.
You could warm things, youcould roast things.
I mean it was just phenomenal.
And I don't have a microwave.
You may or may not have heardme mention it previously on the
(03:02):
show that I live in a studioapartment and it's perfect for
me.
I have a great, cute littlekitchen.
There's certainly not a ton ofcounter space and the limited
space I have, I needed to makesure I was using it wisely.
So no microwave, this smallconvection oven that has
multi-purpose and we're good togo.
(03:23):
Occasionally I will use a ricecooker, but I don't have a crock
pot anymore or an instant pot,just that one device.
So I made my way to a retailstore over the weekend just to
look.
I didn't think I was going tobuy anything and, lo and behold,
(03:44):
I found an air fryer that hastwo sides, so you could have two
different types of food cookingat two temperatures, two
functions simultaneously.
And it has technology bakedinto it pun intended, pun
(04:10):
intended so that you could haveboth sides cook completely and
finish at the same time.
So you can program it to dothat.
You could use just one side oryou could use both sides.
Now, I probably have seen thisthroughout my journey and
travels and exploration uh,throughout my my journey and
travels and exploration but Inever really looked into it.
(04:30):
So I made the investment, gotthe warranty, brought the thing
home, unpacked it, cleaned itand I threw a banana in one side
of the air fryer.
And I know some people areprobably saying why the fuck
would you fry a banana?
Well, if you've never had it, Ihighly encourage you to try it.
Get yourself a nice ripe banana, slice it into thin slices,
(04:53):
spray with a little cookingspray, throw it in the air fryer
and when you take it out,sprinkle a little sea salt on it
.
It is amazing, because theoutside gets a little
caramelized and crunchy and ittastes like a dessert it's to
die for.
So why am I sharing all thiswith you?
(05:14):
Well, this situation is aperfect example of where
something in my life had to die.
Where something in my life hadto die, it had to be thrown in
the garbage and space had to bemade for something new,
(05:34):
something better, something wewill call an upgrade.
And I find that to be similarto a lot of other things in our
lives.
Okay, you outgrow certainlevels in school, when you're a
kid and then a teen, and thenyou go to college and you become
an adult.
There are graduations atvarious points in time that we
(05:59):
anticipate and expect and we canprepare as much as possible for
, but truly it's still a growthexperience that can be
uncomfortable, scary,intimidating, sometimes
unpleasant, and this is not anydifferent.
But why am I talking about itwith you?
(06:22):
But why am I talking about itwith you?
Because I need you to know andunderstand that sometimes you
are going to be gripping on sotightly to something that you're
not really willing to let go of, but it is not serving you any
(06:44):
longer.
And if you could take a quickmoment to look to either side
maybe turn your head to theright or turn your head to the
left you'll see another optionthat's out there.
That is an upgrade from thething that you were crying about
(07:05):
.
This is common experience whenwe end a romantic relationship.
Everyone has been in this boatwhere you know you're feeling
badly, you miss the other party,you have conflicting emotions.
Maybe you're upset with themabout something that they did to
(07:27):
you or they did in therelationship, or you're upset
about things that they did notdo and you felt taken advantage
of or that you were being takenfor granted.
Either way, when you findyourself saying they did this,
she said that he went and didthis Every time you do that,
(07:50):
even if it's a narration of astory or an experience that
you're sharing with someone.
But when you frame it that way,you're making it about the
other person, when really wecan't control what other people
do or say or how they treat us.
But what we can control is howwe choose to respond to these
(08:18):
things.
And when we're talking aboutthese experiences, especially if
it's like to a friend or arelative or someone you trust,
it doesn't matter what they didor they said, or this or that.
What matters is how you feel.
What matters is your experiencein that situation.
What matters is how you seeyourself, because if you're
(08:44):
always with the they said andshe did, and he did.
And he said guess what you'redoing?
You're giving this person allof the power.
You are putting them on apedestal and you sound like a
victim, and we don't dovictimhood around here.
Like a victim.
(09:10):
We don't do victimhood aroundhere, but, in fairness, in order
to get to the point whereyou're no longer a victim, you
have to go through that, theonly way there is through.
So I am sometimes haunted by myexperiences in 2023 and early
2024, when I worked inconstruction.
(09:30):
I worked for three differentconstruction companies back to
back to back.
None of them were a good fit.
Why?
Because that is not the rightindustry for me.
That is not the right workenvironment to force me to have
to drive an extensive amount oftime to sit in an office
somewhere.
Meanwhile, all of my meetingswere virtual calls or Zoom calls
(09:53):
for places all over the world.
So that was about controllingme, and I don't do well in
environments where someone istrying to control me, whether
they're paying me or whetherthey are in a romantic
relationship or even as friends.
That's not how I roll.
I'm not trying to controlanyone and I'm not going to let
(10:15):
anyone control me, but I'mhaunted by a few incidents, and
the reason being because I wasreally hurt.
I felt really sad.
I was so confused.
I never got the closure that Ireally needed, that I was hoping
(10:39):
to get, that I would have likedto get had I been an employee
that was respected, an employeethat was treated fairly.
The three different companies,vastly different from each other
, all had this common vibrationof selling a dream, making it
(11:03):
sound, meaning the role that Iwas to have, my job title, my
job description, theresponsibilities, painting a
picture of something.
But that was a dream, that wasa fantasy.
The reality was far differentfrom what they were selling and
(11:26):
I wasn't down for it.
You cannot hire an adult who'shad over 20 years of
professional work experience andtell them well, you just need
to be here because I said so.
That's not a good enough reason.
Or you're going to do it thisway and you're going to do it
(11:49):
this way and you're going tostay here all night until it's
done, and I don't care if youmiss a gym or any personal
events.
Yeah, I'm not playing that game.
And these are things thatactually happened.
The first construction companyI sat in a space not suitable
(12:11):
for occupancy.
It was basically an areaunderneath an airport hangar in
a terminal at the airport noemergency exit, no restroom, no
running water Like, are youkidding me?
Like are you kidding me?
(12:36):
The second job I had the manwho owned the company would
scream in my face, constantlypointing a finger at my face,
almost as if he was accusing meof, you know, stealing his
unborn children or millions ofdollars.
But he was doing that over ascrew size or a part that I
ordered off of Amazon.
It just was ridiculous.
And then the third job I hadthat was a shit show too,
(13:01):
because that was a family ownedbusiness and this company sold a
dream that they were, you know,across the whole Eastern
seaboard and they were the bestat what they do.
They were a shit show.
They had the same small numberof guys who never got any sleep,
(13:25):
were up all night, up all day,were driving all over the place,
run ragged, and they expectedthe quality of workmanship to
remain high.
It just doesn't work that way.
But I am going on a tangentbecause I'm thinking back to
(13:45):
these three different jobexperiences and a part of me is
like what the fuck was Ithinking?
Those were not goodenvironments for me, but the
other part of me was trying tomake the best out of the
situation, and I think that wedo that when we're in romantic
relationships with people thatwe really like, and it's like
well, what the fuck do youreally like about them?
(14:06):
They treat you horrible, butwhat happens is you start to box
yourself in, you start tobelieve what the other party is
sharing with you, saying to you,signaling to you Maybe not in
their words specifically, but ifsomeone is disrespecting you
and that's just the way it'salways been and you've always
(14:28):
allowed it well, whose fault isthat?
You, and that's just the wayit's always been and you've
always allowed it Well, whosefault is that You're allowing it
?
And you start to become definedby nonsense like that.
I have a friend who is goingthrough divorce and finally
(14:49):
moved out and is coming to therealization of like, oh my
goodness, I can do what I want.
I have freedom.
If I don't want to wash thedishes before bed, I don't have
to.
If I don't want to make the bedas soon as I wake up, I don't
have to.
I'm like these are small littlethings.
(15:10):
However, when you're in asituation where you're always
walking on eggshells and you'rebasically in an environment
where someone is trying tocontrol you, whether you like it
or not and whether you canadmit it or not.
When you get out of that, it'sforeign, it feels scary, it
(15:32):
feels like when's the other shoegonna drop?
I had a roommate from 2016 until2021.
So five years, from Septemberof 2016 until September of 2021.
And we had a gorgeous twobedroom, two bathroom corner
(15:54):
apartment on the top floor ofour building.
Indoor parking garage spots.
I mean, it was just wild Rightnext to a very cute, small but
busy city that's happening, witha ton of restaurants, things to
do, parks, close access to thetrain to commute into New York
(16:16):
City or to get to all the majorhighways.
And what I didn't realize whileI was in it was I was walking
on eggshells in many ways.
So when I moved out, he movedto the city and I moved out to a
studio, to the place I'm in now.
(16:37):
It took me a few months toacclimate and this was just a
roommate situation.
We weren't romantic with eachother, but it took me a while to
acclimate, like, oh, I'm goingto come home and the apartment's
(16:59):
still going to be quiet.
The TV won't be on, the kitchenwill be spotless, everything
will be right where I left it.
Huh, what do you know?
And don't get me wrong, thatsituation was not an abusive
situation by any means.
But I think when you're livingwith someone and it's a long
(17:21):
period of time you both becomeacclimated to certain things,
and I have my things that I'mset in stone with, and so did he
, and so it took me severalmonths of deconditioning, of
peeling back the layers andrealizing it's going to be okay,
(17:42):
everything's going to be okay,and if I did need support or
help, I could always reach out.
And if I did need support orhelp, I could always reach out,
and he's definitely been therefor me as a friend a few times
since and, I'm sure, many moreto come in the future.
But you could get into thishabit of boxing yourself in, of
(18:04):
having the walls around you sortof close in and smother you or
stifle you, feeling like youcan't breathe, defining yourself
by someone else's perspective,and it's really important to not
allow that to happen.
Now, the other side of thisconversation is that you do have
(18:26):
to do work on yourself, andmaybe when you're telling the
story of well, he said this andshe did that.
You can own up to your parts.
You can own up to the thingsthat you contributed to the
demise of that situation or thatrelationship, because it takes
two to tango and it's impossiblefor one party to always be the
(18:53):
victim.
I'll say that again it'simpossible for one party to
always be the victim.
Even the victim has someresponsibility in the unfolding.
Because they are allowingnonsense to occur.
(19:14):
They are allowing things toquote unquote just be easier.
You could get hit by a buswalking out to your car tomorrow
.
Is that how you want to go?
And you never got to fully liveyour life because you wanted to
coast and you wanted things tojust be easier.
But meanwhile you are fuckingrotting away in the core and you
(19:35):
feel like a shell.
You're empty.
You're hollow inside becauseyou don't know who you are,
because you have not allowedyourself.
You're hollow inside becauseyou don't know who you are,
because you have not allowedyourself to be fully expressed,
because you don't know what youreally love, because you are
living by the definition thatsomebody else slammed on you and
keeps slamming on you and keepstelling you who you are.
Fuck that.
(19:56):
How do you know who you are howdo you define yourself?
How do you change the directionon the trajectory of life that
you're going on?
Guess what you get to chooseand for a lot of people out
there it's fucking scary.
(20:20):
So, going back to the jobs thatI had, that didn't work out.
Yeah, I'm upset that.
I know in all three places ofbusiness people are talking shit
about me and I just have toaccept it.
I know that in all three ofthose companies there are
(20:43):
clients that are probably askingwhere I am, what happened to me
, where did I go, why did Ileave, and they are telling lies
to cover their asses.
I also know in all threesituations that there are people
that know the truth and thatfeel shitty about what they did
(21:07):
and the way they handled things,especially the second and third
company.
The first company was a littlebit more corporate.
It was a much bigger company,and I believe them when they
tell me that they lost acontract and they had no work
coming up, that the work wasdrying up.
(21:28):
That is pretty common inconstruction.
It happens all the time.
People get let go and then theyget rehired, but for eight
months out of 2023,.
I was commuting to the airport,I was dealing with a woman who
was a fucking bully, and she wasallowed to bully everyone
(21:54):
because she gatekept her roleand responsibilities.
She created a niche for herselfwithin the organization and she
took on all of the work thatnobody else wanted to do and
became the expert at it, so thatif you wanted to learn it, you
could only learn it from her,and she was a fucking toothless
piece of shit.
I shit you not.
This woman was like in herfifties you would dress nice,
(22:15):
but she was missing teeth.
We had dental insurance at thiscompany, so I don't know what
that was about.
But anyway, as you can see,these things don't bother me,
and talking about them is oneway to transmute those feelings,
to put them into somethinguseful.
So how are you going to revisitthese questions that I'm about
(22:39):
to share with you when you're onyour own?
Well, first, I want you toclear your mind.
I want you to let go of whateverybody else has to say about
you, and I want you to do thisfor you.
I want you to think about whereare you going in your life,
(23:00):
maybe in five years, maybe in 10years?
Now, don't jam yourself up withhow you're going to get there.
Just think about what you wantfor yourself, as ridiculous as
it may seem, and if you'reashamed to put it down on paper
or to say it out loud, think ofit in your head and heart.
Where do you want to be?
How do you want to feel?
(23:20):
Think of it in your head andheart.
Where do you want to be?
How do you want to feel?
What do you want your life tolook like?
Are you going to let it bedefined by shitty people from
your past?
Are you going to let it bedefined by your exes or by,
maybe, the current relationshipthat you're in?
That's not that great.
Now I will.
(23:42):
I am far from an expert onrelationships, but I am an
expert on being a solo person.
I am an expert on boundariesand I am an expert on crawling
out of the depths of hell withnothing.
Because I've done that and Iwill say that, knowing who you
(24:03):
are, understanding your valuesand your principles and your
non-negotiables, and knowingwhat those things are that light
you up, and owning it.
See, it's not about justknowing it, it's owning it.
Step into that, embody that.
Who is that fucking bad-assperson that you are?
(24:24):
Can you be more of that person,even though the person you're
thinking of is maybe a futureyou like 10 years from now.
Well, how do you get a littlebit of that goodness into your
day-to-day right this fuckingsecond?
What decisions will you make?
How will you operate?
How will you move?
A friend of mine stopped usingsocial media altogether and I
(24:48):
told him you know what?
That's great, because a lot ofthe most successful people in
the world don't use social media.
They may have an account, butthat's certainly not them on it.
They have people who do thatfor them, because those people
are too fucking busy with otherthings that are far more
(25:09):
important.
And he said yeah, I can'tbelieve how many hours in my day
I get back.
I didn't realize I was wastingso much time so thinking about
future you, making decisionslike future you.
I'm not telling you to get ridof social media.
(25:31):
I'm not telling you not to useany sort of platforms, do you?
But if you have in your visionyou want to be a successful
entrepreneur or make a lot ofmoney or be very busy with your
business, it's going to requirea level of focus that you may or
may not have right now.
It's going to require you tomake decisions as if you are
(25:54):
already that person.
It's going to require you tomaybe dress a little bit sharper
, to get up a little bit earlier, to take better care of
yourself, to eat healthier sothat you look young and fresh
and feel vibrant and amazing.
People ask me all the timewhat's my secret?
And I swear to you there is nosecret.
(26:15):
I go to bed at the same timeevery night.
I try not to drink too muchalcohol.
I don't really go out anymoreunless it's like a sunset party,
and that's maybe like two orthree a year tops.
I eat well, I do my homework tofind out where my food comes
from, I try to cook most of thetime, drink a ton of water and I
(26:38):
exercise almost every daydifferent kinds of modalities of
exercise.
Sometimes it's strength,sometimes it's intervals,
sometimes it's a long run.
I actually did two four mileruns last week and it felt so
good both times.
So I want you to get out of yourvictimhood.
(26:59):
I want you to stop complainingabout what people have done to
you and if it's still botheringyou, I want you to think about
how will you respond to itdifferently next time.
What will you do differentlynext time.
See, I know for me, I'm nevergoing to be in a situation where
(27:19):
I'm putting up with beingtreated poorly.
I'm just going to exit.
And I had a friend.
She criticized me very harshlyactually, when I left the third
construction company, becauseshe said you know, you keep
setting yourself back, you keepstarting over at zero and you're
in your 40s, like I don't knowwhat you think you're doing.
(27:40):
And I said to her I'm notstarting at zero, I may be going
backwards a little bit, but I'mgoing to catapult myself
forward because I have all ofthose years of transferable
skills and knowledge andexperience to draw upon.
So I'm certainly not at day onelike I was at day one when I
(28:00):
graduated from college and, sureenough, within a couple of
weeks I had accelerated all ofthe things I was doing with the
work that I chose to do, whichmakes me happy and brings me joy
, fills my cup and it servesothers, and I get to be paid
well to do it in an environmentthat I am thriving in.
And now she's jealous.
(28:26):
She can't seem to understand.
How is it possible that I didthat?
How is that fucking possible?
Never doubt me, that's howthat's possible.
So I know this episode went ona bit of a twist and turn and
journey and if you're still hereI appreciate you so much.
I have received some feedbackthat people like the longer
episodes, they enjoy therambling, they enjoy hearing me
(28:49):
go on and on and on aboutcertain things.
If that is you, I am happy tooblige.
I want you to stop boxingyourself in.
I want you to redefine who youthink you are.
Get the fuck out of yourvictimhood and I want you to
remember that, even if it feelslike everything is crumbling
(29:09):
around to the ground, it isclearing away space for the new,
the better, the upgrade.
I appreciate your time andattention.
If you would like to give me arating and leave me a review, I
(29:31):
would greatly appreciate that.
You can also check the shownotes to see how to stay in
touch with me and I'll catch youon the next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode I'm going to share
with you a story about how myfavorite kitchen appliance broke
and I had to replace it overthe weekend.
But before we dive into thatstory, I want you to know that
by the end of this episode youwill have some questions that
you can ask yourself and toolsto reframe how you view a
(01:04):
tragedy, a sudden loss, anabrupt ending, maybe something
that you feel has loose ends,that you never got closure, that
it's just kind of drifting offin the wind, and you're
dissatisfied with the way thesituation unraveled.
Now I have a new appliance inmy kitchen that I have fallen in
(01:32):
love with.
I have used it since I boughtit.
Since I brought it home, I'veused it multiple times.
The funny part about this is Ihad no idea this type of device
existed and how much I was goingto absolutely love it because I
hadn't given it any thought.
(01:53):
So earlier this past week Iwant to say midweek my favorite
appliance was not workingproperly.
I had emphasis on the pasttense.
I had a small convection oven,toaster, air fryer, and it was
(02:17):
one that had two areas where youcould slide a tray in so you
could toast on one rack and thenyou can either bake or air fry
on the top rack.
And it had a door that unfoldedfrom the top down, so it's sort
of opened towards you like abigger oven.
I loved this thing.
I got it as a gift when I movedinto the current apartment I'm
(02:40):
living in in 2021, I probablyused it every single day.
All the different features andsettings.
You could warm things, youcould roast things.
I mean it was just phenomenal.
And I don't have a microwave.
You may or may not have heardme mention it previously on the
(03:02):
show that I live in a studioapartment and it's perfect for
me.
I have a great, cute littlekitchen.
There's certainly not a ton ofcounter space and the limited
space I have, I needed to makesure I was using it wisely.
So no microwave, this smallconvection oven that has
multi-purpose and we're good togo.
(03:23):
Occasionally I will use a ricecooker, but I don't have a crock
pot anymore or an instant pot,just that one device.
So I made my way to a retailstore over the weekend just to
look.
I didn't think I was going tobuy anything and, lo and behold,
(03:44):
I found an air fryer that hastwo sides, so you could have two
different types of food cookingat two temperatures, two
functions simultaneously.
And it has technology bakedinto it pun intended, pun
(04:10):
intended so that you could haveboth sides cook completely and
finish at the same time.
So you can program it to dothat.
You could use just one side oryou could use both sides.
Now, I probably have seen thisthroughout my journey and
travels and exploration uh,throughout my my journey and
travels and exploration but Inever really looked into it.
(04:30):
So I made the investment, gotthe warranty, brought the thing
home, unpacked it, cleaned itand I threw a banana in one side
of the air fryer.
And I know some people areprobably saying why the fuck
would you fry a banana?
Well, if you've never had it, Ihighly encourage you to try it.
Get yourself a nice ripe banana, slice it into thin slices,
(04:53):
spray with a little cookingspray, throw it in the air fryer
and when you take it out,sprinkle a little sea salt on it
.
It is amazing, because theoutside gets a little
caramelized and crunchy and ittastes like a dessert it's to
die for.
So why am I sharing all thiswith you?
(05:14):
Well, this situation is aperfect example of where
something in my life had to die.
Where something in my life hadto die, it had to be thrown in
the garbage and space had to bemade for something new,
(05:34):
something better, something wewill call an upgrade.
And I find that to be similarto a lot of other things in our
lives.
Okay, you outgrow certainlevels in school, when you're a
kid and then a teen, and thenyou go to college and you become
an adult.
There are graduations atvarious points in time that we
(05:59):
anticipate and expect and we canprepare as much as possible for
, but truly it's still a growthexperience that can be
uncomfortable, scary,intimidating, sometimes
unpleasant, and this is not anydifferent.
But why am I talking about itwith you?
(06:22):
But why am I talking about itwith you?
Because I need you to know andunderstand that sometimes you
are going to be gripping on sotightly to something that you're
not really willing to let go of, but it is not serving you any
(06:44):
longer.
And if you could take a quickmoment to look to either side
maybe turn your head to theright or turn your head to the
left you'll see another optionthat's out there.
That is an upgrade from thething that you were crying about
(07:05):
.
This is common experience whenwe end a romantic relationship.
Everyone has been in this boatwhere you know you're feeling
badly, you miss the other party,you have conflicting emotions.
Maybe you're upset with themabout something that they did to
(07:27):
you or they did in therelationship, or you're upset
about things that they did notdo and you felt taken advantage
of or that you were being takenfor granted.
Either way, when you findyourself saying they did this,
she said that he went and didthis Every time you do that,
(07:50):
even if it's a narration of astory or an experience that
you're sharing with someone.
But when you frame it that way,you're making it about the
other person, when really wecan't control what other people
do or say or how they treat us.
But what we can control is howwe choose to respond to these
(08:18):
things.
And when we're talking aboutthese experiences, especially if
it's like to a friend or arelative or someone you trust,
it doesn't matter what they didor they said, or this or that.
What matters is how you feel.
What matters is your experiencein that situation.
What matters is how you seeyourself, because if you're
(08:44):
always with the they said andshe did, and he did.
And he said guess what you'redoing?
You're giving this person allof the power.
You are putting them on apedestal and you sound like a
victim, and we don't dovictimhood around here.
Like a victim.
(09:10):
We don't do victimhood aroundhere, but, in fairness, in order
to get to the point whereyou're no longer a victim, you
have to go through that, theonly way there is through.
So I am sometimes haunted by myexperiences in 2023 and early
2024, when I worked inconstruction.
(09:30):
I worked for three differentconstruction companies back to
back to back.
None of them were a good fit.
Why?
Because that is not the rightindustry for me.
That is not the right workenvironment to force me to have
to drive an extensive amount oftime to sit in an office
somewhere.
Meanwhile, all of my meetingswere virtual calls or Zoom calls
(09:53):
for places all over the world.
So that was about controllingme, and I don't do well in
environments where someone istrying to control me, whether
they're paying me or whetherthey are in a romantic
relationship or even as friends.
That's not how I roll.
I'm not trying to controlanyone and I'm not going to let
(10:15):
anyone control me, but I'mhaunted by a few incidents, and
the reason being because I wasreally hurt.
I felt really sad.
I was so confused.
I never got the closure that Ireally needed, that I was hoping
(10:39):
to get, that I would have likedto get had I been an employee
that was respected, an employeethat was treated fairly.
The three different companies,vastly different from each other
, all had this common vibrationof selling a dream, making it
(11:03):
sound, meaning the role that Iwas to have, my job title, my
job description, theresponsibilities, painting a
picture of something.
But that was a dream, that wasa fantasy.
The reality was far differentfrom what they were selling and
(11:26):
I wasn't down for it.
You cannot hire an adult who'shad over 20 years of
professional work experience andtell them well, you just need
to be here because I said so.
That's not a good enough reason.
Or you're going to do it thisway and you're going to do it
(11:49):
this way and you're going tostay here all night until it's
done, and I don't care if youmiss a gym or any personal
events.
Yeah, I'm not playing that game.
And these are things thatactually happened.
The first construction companyI sat in a space not suitable
(12:11):
for occupancy.
It was basically an areaunderneath an airport hangar in
a terminal at the airport noemergency exit, no restroom, no
running water Like, are youkidding me?
Like are you kidding me?
(12:36):
The second job I had the manwho owned the company would
scream in my face, constantlypointing a finger at my face,
almost as if he was accusing meof, you know, stealing his
unborn children or millions ofdollars.
But he was doing that over ascrew size or a part that I
ordered off of Amazon.
It just was ridiculous.
And then the third job I hadthat was a shit show too,
(13:01):
because that was a family ownedbusiness and this company sold a
dream that they were, you know,across the whole Eastern
seaboard and they were the bestat what they do.
They were a shit show.
They had the same small numberof guys who never got any sleep,
(13:25):
were up all night, up all day,were driving all over the place,
run ragged, and they expectedthe quality of workmanship to
remain high.
It just doesn't work that way.
But I am going on a tangentbecause I'm thinking back to
(13:45):
these three different jobexperiences and a part of me is
like what the fuck was Ithinking?
Those were not goodenvironments for me, but the
other part of me was trying tomake the best out of the
situation, and I think that wedo that when we're in romantic
relationships with people thatwe really like, and it's like
well, what the fuck do youreally like about them?
(14:06):
They treat you horrible, butwhat happens is you start to box
yourself in, you start tobelieve what the other party is
sharing with you, saying to you,signaling to you Maybe not in
their words specifically, but ifsomeone is disrespecting you
and that's just the way it'salways been and you've always
(14:28):
allowed it well, whose fault isthat?
You, and that's just the wayit's always been and you've
always allowed it Well, whosefault is that You're allowing it
?
And you start to become definedby nonsense like that.
I have a friend who is goingthrough divorce and finally
(14:49):
moved out and is coming to therealization of like, oh my
goodness, I can do what I want.
I have freedom.
If I don't want to wash thedishes before bed, I don't have
to.
If I don't want to make the bedas soon as I wake up, I don't
have to.
I'm like these are small littlethings.
(15:10):
However, when you're in asituation where you're always
walking on eggshells and you'rebasically in an environment
where someone is trying tocontrol you, whether you like it
or not and whether you canadmit it or not.
When you get out of that, it'sforeign, it feels scary, it
(15:32):
feels like when's the other shoegonna drop?
I had a roommate from 2016 until2021.
So five years, from Septemberof 2016 until September of 2021.
And we had a gorgeous twobedroom, two bathroom corner
(15:54):
apartment on the top floor ofour building.
Indoor parking garage spots.
I mean, it was just wild Rightnext to a very cute, small but
busy city that's happening, witha ton of restaurants, things to
do, parks, close access to thetrain to commute into New York
(16:16):
City or to get to all the majorhighways.
And what I didn't realize whileI was in it was I was walking
on eggshells in many ways.
So when I moved out, he movedto the city and I moved out to a
studio, to the place I'm in now.
(16:37):
It took me a few months toacclimate and this was just a
roommate situation.
We weren't romantic with eachother, but it took me a while to
acclimate, like, oh, I'm goingto come home and the apartment's
(16:59):
still going to be quiet.
The TV won't be on, the kitchenwill be spotless, everything
will be right where I left it.
Huh, what do you know?
And don't get me wrong, thatsituation was not an abusive
situation by any means.
But I think when you're livingwith someone and it's a long
(17:21):
period of time you both becomeacclimated to certain things,
and I have my things that I'mset in stone with, and so did he
, and so it took me severalmonths of deconditioning, of
peeling back the layers andrealizing it's going to be okay,
(17:42):
everything's going to be okay,and if I did need support or
help, I could always reach out.
And if I did need support orhelp, I could always reach out,
and he's definitely been therefor me as a friend a few times
since and, I'm sure, many moreto come in the future.
But you could get into thishabit of boxing yourself in, of
(18:04):
having the walls around you sortof close in and smother you or
stifle you, feeling like youcan't breathe, defining yourself
by someone else's perspective,and it's really important to not
allow that to happen.
Now, the other side of thisconversation is that you do have
(18:26):
to do work on yourself, andmaybe when you're telling the
story of well, he said this andshe did that.
You can own up to your parts.
You can own up to the thingsthat you contributed to the
demise of that situation or thatrelationship, because it takes
two to tango and it's impossiblefor one party to always be the
(18:53):
victim.
I'll say that again it'simpossible for one party to
always be the victim.
Even the victim has someresponsibility in the unfolding.
Because they are allowingnonsense to occur.
(19:14):
They are allowing things toquote unquote just be easier.
You could get hit by a buswalking out to your car tomorrow
.
Is that how you want to go?
And you never got to fully liveyour life because you wanted to
coast and you wanted things tojust be easier.
But meanwhile you are fuckingrotting away in the core and you
(19:35):
feel like a shell.
You're empty.
You're hollow inside becauseyou don't know who you are,
because you have not allowedyourself.
You're hollow inside becauseyou don't know who you are,
because you have not allowedyourself to be fully expressed,
because you don't know what youreally love, because you are
living by the definition thatsomebody else slammed on you and
keeps slamming on you and keepstelling you who you are.
Fuck that.
(19:56):
How do you know who you are howdo you define yourself?
How do you change the directionon the trajectory of life that
you're going on?
Guess what you get to chooseand for a lot of people out
there it's fucking scary.
(20:20):
So, going back to the jobs thatI had, that didn't work out.
Yeah, I'm upset that.
I know in all three places ofbusiness people are talking shit
about me and I just have toaccept it.
I know that in all three ofthose companies there are
(20:43):
clients that are probably askingwhere I am, what happened to me
, where did I go, why did Ileave, and they are telling lies
to cover their asses.
I also know in all threesituations that there are people
that know the truth and thatfeel shitty about what they did
(21:07):
and the way they handled things,especially the second and third
company.
The first company was a littlebit more corporate.
It was a much bigger company,and I believe them when they
tell me that they lost acontract and they had no work
coming up, that the work wasdrying up.
(21:28):
That is pretty common inconstruction.
It happens all the time.
People get let go and then theyget rehired, but for eight
months out of 2023,.
I was commuting to the airport,I was dealing with a woman who
was a fucking bully, and she wasallowed to bully everyone
(21:54):
because she gatekept her roleand responsibilities.
She created a niche for herselfwithin the organization and she
took on all of the work thatnobody else wanted to do and
became the expert at it, so thatif you wanted to learn it, you
could only learn it from her,and she was a fucking toothless
piece of shit.
I shit you not.
This woman was like in herfifties you would dress nice,
(22:15):
but she was missing teeth.
We had dental insurance at thiscompany, so I don't know what
that was about.
But anyway, as you can see,these things don't bother me,
and talking about them is oneway to transmute those feelings,
to put them into somethinguseful.
So how are you going to revisitthese questions that I'm about
(22:39):
to share with you when you're onyour own?
Well, first, I want you toclear your mind.
I want you to let go of whateverybody else has to say about
you, and I want you to do thisfor you.
I want you to think about whereare you going in your life,
(23:00):
maybe in five years, maybe in 10years?
Now, don't jam yourself up withhow you're going to get there.
Just think about what you wantfor yourself, as ridiculous as
it may seem, and if you'reashamed to put it down on paper
or to say it out loud, think ofit in your head and heart.
Where do you want to be?
How do you want to feel?
(23:20):
Think of it in your head andheart.
Where do you want to be?
How do you want to feel?
What do you want your life tolook like?
Are you going to let it bedefined by shitty people from
your past?
Are you going to let it bedefined by your exes or by,
maybe, the current relationshipthat you're in?
That's not that great.
Now I will.
(23:42):
I am far from an expert onrelationships, but I am an
expert on being a solo person.
I am an expert on boundariesand I am an expert on crawling
out of the depths of hell withnothing.
Because I've done that and Iwill say that, knowing who you
(24:03):
are, understanding your valuesand your principles and your
non-negotiables, and knowingwhat those things are that light
you up, and owning it.
See, it's not about justknowing it, it's owning it.
Step into that, embody that.
Who is that fucking bad-assperson that you are?
(24:24):
Can you be more of that person,even though the person you're
thinking of is maybe a futureyou like 10 years from now.
Well, how do you get a littlebit of that goodness into your
day-to-day right this fuckingsecond?
What decisions will you make?
How will you operate?
How will you move?
A friend of mine stopped usingsocial media altogether and I
(24:48):
told him you know what?
That's great, because a lot ofthe most successful people in
the world don't use social media.
They may have an account, butthat's certainly not them on it.
They have people who do thatfor them, because those people
are too fucking busy with otherthings that are far more
(25:09):
important.
And he said yeah, I can'tbelieve how many hours in my day
I get back.
I didn't realize I was wastingso much time so thinking about
future you, making decisionslike future you.
I'm not telling you to get ridof social media.
(25:31):
I'm not telling you not to useany sort of platforms, do you?
But if you have in your visionyou want to be a successful
entrepreneur or make a lot ofmoney or be very busy with your
business, it's going to requirea level of focus that you may or
may not have right now.
It's going to require you tomake decisions as if you are
(25:54):
already that person.
It's going to require you tomaybe dress a little bit sharper
, to get up a little bit earlier, to take better care of
yourself, to eat healthier sothat you look young and fresh
and feel vibrant and amazing.
People ask me all the timewhat's my secret?
And I swear to you there is nosecret.
(26:15):
I go to bed at the same timeevery night.
I try not to drink too muchalcohol.
I don't really go out anymoreunless it's like a sunset party,
and that's maybe like two orthree a year tops.
I eat well, I do my homework tofind out where my food comes
from, I try to cook most of thetime, drink a ton of water and I
(26:38):
exercise almost every daydifferent kinds of modalities of
exercise.
Sometimes it's strength,sometimes it's intervals,
sometimes it's a long run.
I actually did two four mileruns last week and it felt so
good both times.
So I want you to get out of yourvictimhood.
(26:59):
I want you to stop complainingabout what people have done to
you and if it's still botheringyou, I want you to think about
how will you respond to itdifferently next time.
What will you do differentlynext time.
See, I know for me, I'm nevergoing to be in a situation where
(27:19):
I'm putting up with beingtreated poorly.
I'm just going to exit.
And I had a friend.
She criticized me very harshlyactually, when I left the third
construction company, becauseshe said you know, you keep
setting yourself back, you keepstarting over at zero and you're
in your 40s, like I don't knowwhat you think you're doing.
(27:40):
And I said to her I'm notstarting at zero, I may be going
backwards a little bit, but I'mgoing to catapult myself
forward because I have all ofthose years of transferable
skills and knowledge andexperience to draw upon.
So I'm certainly not at day onelike I was at day one when I
(28:00):
graduated from college and, sureenough, within a couple of
weeks I had accelerated all ofthe things I was doing with the
work that I chose to do, whichmakes me happy and brings me joy
, fills my cup and it servesothers, and I get to be paid
well to do it in an environmentthat I am thriving in.
And now she's jealous.
(28:26):
She can't seem to understand.
How is it possible that I didthat?
How is that fucking possible?
Never doubt me, that's howthat's possible.
So I know this episode went ona bit of a twist and turn and
journey and if you're still hereI appreciate you so much.
I have received some feedbackthat people like the longer
episodes, they enjoy therambling, they enjoy hearing me
(28:49):
go on and on and on aboutcertain things.
If that is you, I am happy tooblige.
I want you to stop boxingyourself in.
I want you to redefine who youthink you are.
Get the fuck out of yourvictimhood and I want you to
remember that, even if it feelslike everything is crumbling
(29:09):
around to the ground, it isclearing away space for the new,
the better, the upgrade.
I appreciate your time andattention.
If you would like to give me arating and leave me a review, I
(29:31):
would greatly appreciate that.
You can also check the shownotes to see how to stay in
touch with me and I'll catch youon the next one.
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