September 1, 2025 • 25 mins
The digital landscape has created what I call "the illusion of access" – a false belief that finding someone's profile justifies making personal contact. I share three revealing personal experiences.
This phenomenon intersects with another modern dilemma – "the illusion of options." Many people claim to want meaningful relationships while remaining perpetually distracted by their phones, afraid to commit because someone "better" might be a swipe away. The paradox? We're more connected yet increasingly lonely because we've lost the ability to be fully present with the person sitting across from us.
Setting boundaries isn't selfish – it's necessary for your wellbeing. I offer practical strategies for managing digital accessibility while maintaining your peace: being intentional about what you share online, communicating clear expectations about how and when people can contact you, and prioritizing in-person connection over digital distractions. These boundaries protect not just your personal space but your capacity for genuine connection.
Your safety matters. Your peace matters. And sometimes, protecting both means recognizing when someone is crossing a line, even when they try to disguise it as innocent connection. How are you protecting your digital boundaries? Share your thoughts or experiences, and let's continue this important conversation.
Connect with Me
Instagram: www.instagram.com/tianasmindandmoves
Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
Download your Free 5-Min Pre-Workout Guide:
https://tiana-gonzalez.mykajabi.com/likeyoumeanit
Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode we're going to talk
about the illusion of accessand how some people believe that
(00:48):
they can use social media toget access to us, and layered
with that is also the illusionof options and how that is
screwing a lot of folks up whenit comes to cultivating true,
authentic, vulnerable connectionin person, because they have
(01:09):
this illusion of having way toomany options.
So by the end of this episode,you're going to walk away with
just some ideas and maybe somestrategy that you can implement
so that you can protect yourpersonal space and so that you
can just have a buffer or maybea boundary and feel okay with
that, because you need toprotect your peace, your loved
(01:32):
ones and your wellbeing.
Now, why am I bringing this up?
Well, I'm going to start withthe access piece.
As a personal trainer with apersonal brand, public profiles
on social media and a website.
It's no mystery to me thatsometimes I'm going to be out
(01:53):
and about.
If I put my credit card downsomewhere, if I make a
reservation for a table to havedinner, or if I'm shopping and I
sign up for the pointsmembership club or an account
with the store, I'm giving myinformation.
It's super easy to look me uponline and look for my branding
(02:15):
information or use my email andor phone number and you think
you can get access to me.
You can get access to me, but Idon't answer messages that are
from people I don't know.
Last week I was shopping forsome furniture and the sales
(02:38):
associate that I'm working withwas phenomenal.
The guy is a total fucking rockstar and he is knowledgeable,
professional, gave me a lot ofbreathing room when I first
walked in the store, just kindof gave me some guidance, told
me about some of the promotions,but just let me do my thing.
He wasn't all over me, hewasn't smothering me and he
(02:58):
wasn't pressing on me to makeany sort of commitment.
In fact, I didn't make anycommitments.
I did get two proposals.
I had to give my informationbecause it's furniture, so
furniture needs to be deliveredright.
And as I'm leaving the store,he introduces me to another
sales associate in the store andmentions you know, oh, she's a
(03:21):
trainer.
She likes to squat and deadlift, just like you.
Mentions you know, oh, she's atrainer, she likes to squat and
deadlift, just like you.
And I don't really know wherethat was going.
I don't know if maybe he wasbeing friendly and just
introducing me because the storeis local to where I live and
the guy goes to a gym.
That's local.
I don't really know the wholepoint.
(03:42):
Or maybe they were just boredbecause it was a Friday
afternoon and the store was dead.
But I left the store and withinthe hour I had a following
notification and then anotification that someone had
messaged me in the DMs, thedirect messages on Instagram,
(04:06):
and it was the other guy.
Now I did not feel comfortablewith this.
I haven't said anything toanyone other than a friend of
mine that you know.
I just noticed.
I thought it was a littlebizarre.
It makes me a littleuncomfortable and I wasn't sure
if I want to go back and dobusiness with these people.
(04:27):
But we're going to continue theconversation and test the
waters.
I don't think I'm in danger.
I don't think anyone's tryingto cause harm.
I do believe and I got to tellyou my intuition is spot on.
I do believe that this personmay be hoping and maybe looking
(04:49):
for a foot in the door.
He's not going to get it.
But it just leads me to wonderwhere do people think that it's
okay to reach out to a strangerand just say, oh hey, nice to
meet you, uh-huh, now I make ita fact.
(05:18):
It is a point that I keep mypersonal life as personal as
possible, and my online presencereally doesn't lend itself to
showcasing whether I am in arelationship or whether I am not
.
It doesn't showcase what mysexual preference is.
(05:43):
It doesn't showcase any of that.
I talk about a few of my pastrelationships on this show and
sometimes in my content online,but the current situation is
private as fuck, and it'sprivate intentionally, because
it's truly nobody's businesswhat my status is, and I like to
(06:07):
keep it that way.
So I thought it was interestingthat this person sent me a
message.
I don't really know where hethinks it's going to go.
It's not going to go anywhere.
There has not been a follow-upmessage, which is a good thing.
This was over a week ago, somaybe the silence is sending a
(06:28):
clear signal and if I return tothe store and decide to do
business with them after thedeal is done and the furniture
is delivered, I may or I may notsend an email to the corporate,
but that's to be determinedbecause I don't want anyone to
lose their job and I'm certainlynot the type of person to you
(06:50):
know, tattle tell.
However, being a woman and thengiving my information and then
having a man message me mm-mm, Idon't like that.
It doesn't feel safe.
It's interesting to me thisunsafe thing.
I don't like that.
It doesn't feel safe.
It's interesting to me thisunsafe thing, because if you've
listened to previous episodes,you understand that safety is my
(07:12):
number one priority.
It is my goal to make peoplefeel safe in my presence.
I go to extended efforts when Iam coaching my clients to make
sure that they feel safe, steady, secure and that they trust
themselves, and they can trustme that they know I got them if
(07:32):
they fail or if somethingdoesn't work out the way they
intend for it to, and then we'llregroup and assess and then
take the next step forward, thenext best step forward.
About a year ago I was havinglunch at a very high class
(07:52):
restaurant not Michelin star,but probably like a five star
restaurant and I was on a dateand it was a gentleman's
birthday.
So of course, I made areservation.
And about a day or two later,our server, who was very cocky
(08:13):
messaged me on Facebook and themessage said something to the
effect of like oh it's so funny,I just stumbled upon your
profile, this is so-and-so.
I was your server.
How did you and your husbandenjoy your meal?
Hope to see you again soon, bro.
(08:35):
First of all, no, you didn'tjust stumble upon my profile.
You probably searched for me.
Secondly, you're trying to getinformation about my personal
life and the way the message isworded.
You're playing a game, waitingfor me to either volunteer
information to say that's not myhusband, or to get me on the
(08:58):
hook somehow to get my attention, and it's not going to work.
Now I told the gentleman that Iwent out to lunch with that.
This happened and he wasfucking furious.
I had to beg him not to go totheir headquarters because I do
not want this person to losetheir job.
But yet again, I am in avulnerable position.
(09:22):
I don't feel comfortable goingback to this restaurant and
another situation where someonehas made me feel like this could
be a potentially dangerous orrisky situation.
Not cool.
Why do people do things likethat and it's not everyone, but
(09:46):
why do some people do thingslike that?
And they do it in a way whereit could be played down as oh,
it was innocent, I was justreaching out, I just wanted to
make a connection.
And they do it in a way whereit could be played down as oh,
it was innocent, I was justreaching, but it's through my
personal channels and it's notcoming from the company that you
(10:09):
work for, meaning like an email.
So the furniture store?
It wasn't an email from thefurniture store on their network
.
The same thing with the serverat the restaurant.
It wasn't a more formal emailor even a phone call from the
restaurant introducing yourselfand asking how the experience
(10:30):
was.
No, no, no, no.
These people went a differentroute and use their personal
platforms to reach out to me onmy personal platform and I don't
play that shit.
I'll never forget the time.
This was about nine years ago.
I was out to dinner with afriend and we went to this taco
(10:54):
place in Peekskill, which is inNew York.
It's on the Hudson River and itwas like the end of summer, so
it was a beautiful night.
We're sitting outside, youcould see the waterfront, we're
eating tacos, and I took a veryfun picture.
I have eight tacos in front ofme on the table and I'm doing a
(11:15):
front double bicep pose.
And when we got home, I postedthe photo on Instagram and on
Facebook and wouldn't you know?
Within 30 minutes I was gettinga direct message from a
gentleman that I didn't reallycare for, messaging me saying
(11:36):
hey, I'm at the taco spot.
I don't see you.
Where are you?
Mm-mm.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That is the type of person thatwe don't want in our business,
that we don't want around us,and that is the exact reason why
I don't do updates in themoment, because you don't need
(11:59):
to know where I am when I'mthere.
If I want to share it with myfriends and family after the
fact, then maybe I'll do that,but I have never been more
grateful that I trusted my gutand said you know what, let me
wait until I get home before Ipost about my evening, before I
comment on how great the tacoswere, before I share a fun
(12:23):
little photo that I had takenwith my girlfriends while we
were out to eat, just having agood time, innocent having a
good time, and then somebody hadto come and try to ruin the
moment.
Well, the joke was on him,wasn't it?
But yet again we have anothersituation where somebody was
(12:45):
acting in a predatory way,trying to get access.
Now it's very easy for someonein my shoes to start
generalizing and saying this iswhat guys do, this is how it
always is, and I'm not going todo that.
(13:07):
I don't believe ingeneralizations.
These are outlying situationsand they were not close together
and they were not the same kindof people.
But it begs the question whereis the audacity coming from?
Where is the audacity comingfrom and why do people see
(13:36):
certain things as an invitationto get in, to get access, to get
into my life?
I know that I'm not alone here.
I know that some of youlistening have experienced
awkward situations, very similar, and it made you sort of
question yourself.
You were confused.
Did you answer?
Did you just delete the message?
(13:57):
Did it cause a problem in yourpersonal life?
Because I know that in someinstances that could cause a
downright explosion betweensomeone and their lover or
someone and their wife orsomeone and their significant
(14:17):
other, their boyfriend, theirgirlfriend, whatever it is,
whatever you want to call yourrelationship.
Why do we like to stir the potsometimes?
Why do some people have funwith that, instead of directly
asking the appropriate questionand being a bit more genuine and
(14:44):
a lot more vulnerable?
Why?
Because it's scary.
Because if she never answers,you can just delete it and
pretend like it never happened.
But it did fucking happen.
Yeah, it did.
Now I don't know if meresponding or not responding to
(15:06):
any of these things was theright thing to do.
Ironically, in all threeinstances I did not answer these
people, but there have beenmany more where I did answer,
where I did say to someoneplease don't message me, I'm not
interested and I'm notavailable.
(15:27):
I don't care what you're sayingor what you're selling, we're
done here, but it getsexhausting after a while.
So how will you communicateclear boundaries in your life
going forward?
And if someone makes you feeluncomfortable, are you afraid to
(15:49):
voice that?
Are you afraid to say it?
Now, some people listening aregoing to say I can't believe you
didn't answer it.
You, you're so strong-willed.
You tell people to fuck off.
You speak your mind?
Yeah, I do, and I also am veryconcerned about my personal
safety.
There are things I will nevershare online because I don't
(16:14):
need anyone stalking me.
And, ps, it's not necessarilysafe to always post where you're
at live and in the moment,especially if it's work or
you're wearing a uniform or youare showing the same route over
and over and over again.
I used to go for a walk in myneighborhood and I followed the
(16:38):
same route all the time and Istarted to see someone every
fucking time I was out for awalk and then I realized, oh my
gosh, he's lurking and waitingfor an opportunity to talk to me
.
That's why I see him all thetime when I'm out for a walk at
(16:58):
night after dinner, because Ihad shared that I was out for a
walk at night after dinner somany times that people start to
notice patterns, people start tonotice trends, people start to
make assumptions about you andwe don't need that shit.
(17:20):
So, thinking about access, howmuch access do you give to
strangers?
How many times have youresponded to someone that you
don't even know?
How many times have you gottenan unsolicited message or
inquiry from someone and it madeyou feel uncomfortable.
(17:44):
Be honest with yourself now.
Don't soften it, don't downplayit.
Be fucking for real, because Iguarantee especially for my
female listeners on here Iguarantee if you told your
partner, your significant otheror your brother that you got all
(18:07):
these messages, they'd bepretty pissed off.
They might want to have analtercation or a conversation of
some sort.
And this is the thing.
Many of us are conditioned tonot cause ripples and waves, to
just go with the flow, to notmake such big deal out of it, to
(18:27):
feel badly for people, myselfincluded.
But feeling badly for someonecan also put you in a risky
place, because I thought maybe Ishould be a little more careful
once I noticed that I wasseeing the same person every
(18:49):
night out on my walks because Ididn't want him to follow me
home.
I didn't want him to follow meanywhere actually home.
I didn't want him to follow meanywhere actually.
And there was another personthat I had seen consistently out
for walks and he just creepedme out.
So if you don't want somethingin your life, don't continue to
(19:13):
keep stepping into it, Don'tkeep announcing it, don't keep
sharing it on the internet,because it could lead you into a
dangerous or potentiallydangerous situation that you
didn't ask for and that youdon't want and that you don't
need.
Now thinking about options, it'sinteresting to me how we are
(19:39):
living in a time that so manypeople are lonely.
They want a significant other,they want a partner, they want
to be dating someone special,but they can't get out of their
own way.
Because when they go on dates,they have their phone out on the
table.
Because when they go out ondates, they don't know how to
(20:00):
communicate with the personsitting across from them.
Because when they go out ondates, it's awkward as fuck
because they don't have thecommunication skills required to
stimulate the other person andthink about having great
conversation or talking aboutsomething interesting.
(20:20):
There's the illusion of havingso many options.
That paralyzes people.
They're afraid to commit.
Because what if that other girlwants to go out with me tonight
?
But I already made plans withthis one?
Ah shit, so now you don't makeplans at all.
And then what happens?
You get stuck home alone.
(20:42):
Womp, womp.
If you want to create andcultivate connection, you have
to be out there, you have tomake eye contact, you've got to
have conversation, and if youdon't know how to do that, you
can practice.
(21:03):
Now I have this great idea tostart putting together meetups
of some sort, and it's kind ofan infancy idea.
Right now it's kind of like youknow an egg that's being
incubated and I don't reallyknow what I want to do with it,
where I want to go with it, howI want to execute, what the
theme is going to be.
But I know that there is a needfor people to connect, so I
(21:29):
just got to sit with it a littlebit longer and let it marinate
until the idea drops in, and Iknow that it will.
But if you find yourself out ona date, do yourself a favor
turn your fucking phone off, logoff, just don't have it out.
Be present, give the otherperson your undivided attention
(21:51):
and check your phone later.
Now.
I didn't mean for this episodeto be so doom and gloom and
serious, but it is a serioustopic and if you're someone who
has a tendency to look everyoneup and follow them on their
social media platforms, I'mgoing to challenge you to
question yourself and yourmotives.
Why are you doing that?
(22:12):
Is there a reason?
And if there is, and you'regoing to message the person,
state it in the message.
So the guy in the furniturestore said nice to meet you,
okay, but maybe if he had saidnice to meet you, I was
wondering if you could help mewith my workouts.
I might answer that you know.
(22:34):
Or if he said nice to meet you,I'd like to put you on my
mailing list for future salesand promotions that we have at
the store.
I'd probably be a littlesuspicious of that anyway, but
that would be better.
So it's all about communication.
It's all about being clear.
It's all about setting yourintentions and sharing it with
(22:55):
the other party to make themfeel comfortable and safe.
And if you don't feelcomfortable and safe, get the
fuck out of the conversation.
So here's some strategy for you, besides the putting your phone
away or not being on it whenyou're in the company of
somebody important, justcommunicate your boundaries with
(23:16):
people.
So if you are an entrepreneuror a service provider, you can
be clear with your clients thatif they need to communicate with
you outside of the hours, thatthey're seeing you in person or
that they're seeing you on Zoom,if that's what you do, explain
how you want them to be able toreach you and be clear about the
(23:39):
lead time that you need.
Some people will ask me if theycan text me or call me over the
weekend and I'll be very clearand fair with people and say,
yeah, you can reach out to me,but on the weekends I try to
limit my responses because I'mspending time with my family or
(23:59):
I'm spending time doing what Iwant to do on my time off.
I'll get back to you.
Sometimes people will messageme and I'll say we'll discuss
this in your next session.
Now I happen to do work inperson, but I realize a lot of
people don't, so it's all aboutbeing clear about what is the
appropriate way to reach out toyou and then what the expected
(24:25):
return response time will be,typically if people know that
they won't be bothering you asmuch, and when they do reach out
, instead of being annoyed orfrustrated, remember that you
told them they could.
Hopefully these things gave yousomething to think about.
Hopefully you'll be a bit moreaware about what you're choosing
(24:50):
to share online and how you'rechoosing to share it.
And if you found this episodevaluable, do me a favor, send me
a text.
There's a way to do that.
Check the show notes.
You can click send a text andI'll get it right to my inbox.
I am so grateful to have yourtime and attention throughout
(25:11):
this episode.
I appreciate you being here and, as always, I will catch you on
the next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode we're going to talk
about the illusion of accessand how some people believe that
(00:48):
they can use social media toget access to us, and layered
with that is also the illusionof options and how that is
screwing a lot of folks up whenit comes to cultivating true,
authentic, vulnerable connectionin person, because they have
(01:09):
this illusion of having way toomany options.
So by the end of this episode,you're going to walk away with
just some ideas and maybe somestrategy that you can implement
so that you can protect yourpersonal space and so that you
can just have a buffer or maybea boundary and feel okay with
that, because you need toprotect your peace, your loved
(01:32):
ones and your wellbeing.
Now, why am I bringing this up?
Well, I'm going to start withthe access piece.
As a personal trainer with apersonal brand, public profiles
on social media and a website.
It's no mystery to me thatsometimes I'm going to be out
(01:53):
and about.
If I put my credit card downsomewhere, if I make a
reservation for a table to havedinner, or if I'm shopping and I
sign up for the pointsmembership club or an account
with the store, I'm giving myinformation.
It's super easy to look me uponline and look for my branding
(02:15):
information or use my email andor phone number and you think
you can get access to me.
You can get access to me, but Idon't answer messages that are
from people I don't know.
Last week I was shopping forsome furniture and the sales
(02:38):
associate that I'm working withwas phenomenal.
The guy is a total fucking rockstar and he is knowledgeable,
professional, gave me a lot ofbreathing room when I first
walked in the store, just kindof gave me some guidance, told
me about some of the promotions,but just let me do my thing.
He wasn't all over me, hewasn't smothering me and he
(02:58):
wasn't pressing on me to makeany sort of commitment.
In fact, I didn't make anycommitments.
I did get two proposals.
I had to give my informationbecause it's furniture, so
furniture needs to be deliveredright.
And as I'm leaving the store,he introduces me to another
sales associate in the store andmentions you know, oh, she's a
(03:21):
trainer.
She likes to squat and deadlift, just like you.
Mentions you know, oh, she's atrainer, she likes to squat and
deadlift, just like you.
And I don't really know wherethat was going.
I don't know if maybe he wasbeing friendly and just
introducing me because the storeis local to where I live and
the guy goes to a gym.
That's local.
I don't really know the wholepoint.
(03:42):
Or maybe they were just boredbecause it was a Friday
afternoon and the store was dead.
But I left the store and withinthe hour I had a following
notification and then anotification that someone had
messaged me in the DMs, thedirect messages on Instagram,
(04:06):
and it was the other guy.
Now I did not feel comfortablewith this.
I haven't said anything toanyone other than a friend of
mine that you know.
I just noticed.
I thought it was a littlebizarre.
It makes me a littleuncomfortable and I wasn't sure
if I want to go back and dobusiness with these people.
(04:27):
But we're going to continue theconversation and test the
waters.
I don't think I'm in danger.
I don't think anyone's tryingto cause harm.
I do believe and I got to tellyou my intuition is spot on.
I do believe that this personmay be hoping and maybe looking
(04:49):
for a foot in the door.
He's not going to get it.
But it just leads me to wonderwhere do people think that it's
okay to reach out to a strangerand just say, oh hey, nice to
meet you, uh-huh, now I make ita fact.
(05:18):
It is a point that I keep mypersonal life as personal as
possible, and my online presencereally doesn't lend itself to
showcasing whether I am in arelationship or whether I am not
.
It doesn't showcase what mysexual preference is.
(05:43):
It doesn't showcase any of that.
I talk about a few of my pastrelationships on this show and
sometimes in my content online,but the current situation is
private as fuck, and it'sprivate intentionally, because
it's truly nobody's businesswhat my status is, and I like to
(06:07):
keep it that way.
So I thought it was interestingthat this person sent me a
message.
I don't really know where hethinks it's going to go.
It's not going to go anywhere.
There has not been a follow-upmessage, which is a good thing.
This was over a week ago, somaybe the silence is sending a
(06:28):
clear signal and if I return tothe store and decide to do
business with them after thedeal is done and the furniture
is delivered, I may or I may notsend an email to the corporate,
but that's to be determinedbecause I don't want anyone to
lose their job and I'm certainlynot the type of person to you
(06:50):
know, tattle tell.
However, being a woman and thengiving my information and then
having a man message me mm-mm, Idon't like that.
It doesn't feel safe.
It's interesting to me thisunsafe thing.
I don't like that.
It doesn't feel safe.
It's interesting to me thisunsafe thing, because if you've
listened to previous episodes,you understand that safety is my
(07:12):
number one priority.
It is my goal to make peoplefeel safe in my presence.
I go to extended efforts when Iam coaching my clients to make
sure that they feel safe, steady, secure and that they trust
themselves, and they can trustme that they know I got them if
(07:32):
they fail or if somethingdoesn't work out the way they
intend for it to, and then we'llregroup and assess and then
take the next step forward, thenext best step forward.
About a year ago I was havinglunch at a very high class
(07:52):
restaurant not Michelin star,but probably like a five star
restaurant and I was on a dateand it was a gentleman's
birthday.
So of course, I made areservation.
And about a day or two later,our server, who was very cocky
(08:13):
messaged me on Facebook and themessage said something to the
effect of like oh it's so funny,I just stumbled upon your
profile, this is so-and-so.
I was your server.
How did you and your husbandenjoy your meal?
Hope to see you again soon, bro.
(08:35):
First of all, no, you didn'tjust stumble upon my profile.
You probably searched for me.
Secondly, you're trying to getinformation about my personal
life and the way the message isworded.
You're playing a game, waitingfor me to either volunteer
information to say that's not myhusband, or to get me on the
(08:58):
hook somehow to get my attention, and it's not going to work.
Now I told the gentleman that Iwent out to lunch with that.
This happened and he wasfucking furious.
I had to beg him not to go totheir headquarters because I do
not want this person to losetheir job.
But yet again, I am in avulnerable position.
(09:22):
I don't feel comfortable goingback to this restaurant and
another situation where someonehas made me feel like this could
be a potentially dangerous orrisky situation.
Not cool.
Why do people do things likethat and it's not everyone, but
(09:46):
why do some people do thingslike that?
And they do it in a way whereit could be played down as oh,
it was innocent, I was justreaching out, I just wanted to
make a connection.
And they do it in a way whereit could be played down as oh,
it was innocent, I was justreaching, but it's through my
personal channels and it's notcoming from the company that you
(10:09):
work for, meaning like an email.
So the furniture store?
It wasn't an email from thefurniture store on their network
.
The same thing with the serverat the restaurant.
It wasn't a more formal emailor even a phone call from the
restaurant introducing yourselfand asking how the experience
(10:30):
was.
No, no, no, no.
These people went a differentroute and use their personal
platforms to reach out to me onmy personal platform and I don't
play that shit.
I'll never forget the time.
This was about nine years ago.
I was out to dinner with afriend and we went to this taco
(10:54):
place in Peekskill, which is inNew York.
It's on the Hudson River and itwas like the end of summer, so
it was a beautiful night.
We're sitting outside, youcould see the waterfront, we're
eating tacos, and I took a veryfun picture.
I have eight tacos in front ofme on the table and I'm doing a
(11:15):
front double bicep pose.
And when we got home, I postedthe photo on Instagram and on
Facebook and wouldn't you know?
Within 30 minutes I was gettinga direct message from a
gentleman that I didn't reallycare for, messaging me saying
(11:36):
hey, I'm at the taco spot.
I don't see you.
Where are you?
Mm-mm.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That is the type of person thatwe don't want in our business,
that we don't want around us,and that is the exact reason why
I don't do updates in themoment, because you don't need
(11:59):
to know where I am when I'mthere.
If I want to share it with myfriends and family after the
fact, then maybe I'll do that,but I have never been more
grateful that I trusted my gutand said you know what, let me
wait until I get home before Ipost about my evening, before I
comment on how great the tacoswere, before I share a fun
(12:23):
little photo that I had takenwith my girlfriends while we
were out to eat, just having agood time, innocent having a
good time, and then somebody hadto come and try to ruin the
moment.
Well, the joke was on him,wasn't it?
But yet again we have anothersituation where somebody was
(12:45):
acting in a predatory way,trying to get access.
Now it's very easy for someonein my shoes to start
generalizing and saying this iswhat guys do, this is how it
always is, and I'm not going todo that.
(13:07):
I don't believe ingeneralizations.
These are outlying situationsand they were not close together
and they were not the same kindof people.
But it begs the question whereis the audacity coming from?
Where is the audacity comingfrom and why do people see
(13:36):
certain things as an invitationto get in, to get access, to get
into my life?
I know that I'm not alone here.
I know that some of youlistening have experienced
awkward situations, very similar, and it made you sort of
question yourself.
You were confused.
Did you answer?
Did you just delete the message?
(13:57):
Did it cause a problem in yourpersonal life?
Because I know that in someinstances that could cause a
downright explosion betweensomeone and their lover or
someone and their wife orsomeone and their significant
(14:17):
other, their boyfriend, theirgirlfriend, whatever it is,
whatever you want to call yourrelationship.
Why do we like to stir the potsometimes?
Why do some people have funwith that, instead of directly
asking the appropriate questionand being a bit more genuine and
(14:44):
a lot more vulnerable?
Why?
Because it's scary.
Because if she never answers,you can just delete it and
pretend like it never happened.
But it did fucking happen.
Yeah, it did.
Now I don't know if meresponding or not responding to
(15:06):
any of these things was theright thing to do.
Ironically, in all threeinstances I did not answer these
people, but there have beenmany more where I did answer,
where I did say to someoneplease don't message me, I'm not
interested and I'm notavailable.
(15:27):
I don't care what you're sayingor what you're selling, we're
done here, but it getsexhausting after a while.
So how will you communicateclear boundaries in your life
going forward?
And if someone makes you feeluncomfortable, are you afraid to
(15:49):
voice that?
Are you afraid to say it?
Now, some people listening aregoing to say I can't believe you
didn't answer it.
You, you're so strong-willed.
You tell people to fuck off.
You speak your mind?
Yeah, I do, and I also am veryconcerned about my personal
safety.
There are things I will nevershare online because I don't
(16:14):
need anyone stalking me.
And, ps, it's not necessarilysafe to always post where you're
at live and in the moment,especially if it's work or
you're wearing a uniform or youare showing the same route over
and over and over again.
I used to go for a walk in myneighborhood and I followed the
(16:38):
same route all the time and Istarted to see someone every
fucking time I was out for awalk and then I realized, oh my
gosh, he's lurking and waitingfor an opportunity to talk to me
.
That's why I see him all thetime when I'm out for a walk at
(16:58):
night after dinner, because Ihad shared that I was out for a
walk at night after dinner somany times that people start to
notice patterns, people start tonotice trends, people start to
make assumptions about you andwe don't need that shit.
(17:20):
So, thinking about access, howmuch access do you give to
strangers?
How many times have youresponded to someone that you
don't even know?
How many times have you gottenan unsolicited message or
inquiry from someone and it madeyou feel uncomfortable.
(17:44):
Be honest with yourself now.
Don't soften it, don't downplayit.
Be fucking for real, because Iguarantee especially for my
female listeners on here Iguarantee if you told your
partner, your significant otheror your brother that you got all
(18:07):
these messages, they'd bepretty pissed off.
They might want to have analtercation or a conversation of
some sort.
And this is the thing.
Many of us are conditioned tonot cause ripples and waves, to
just go with the flow, to notmake such big deal out of it, to
(18:27):
feel badly for people, myselfincluded.
But feeling badly for someonecan also put you in a risky
place, because I thought maybe Ishould be a little more careful
once I noticed that I wasseeing the same person every
(18:49):
night out on my walks because Ididn't want him to follow me
home.
I didn't want him to follow meanywhere actually home.
I didn't want him to follow meanywhere actually.
And there was another personthat I had seen consistently out
for walks and he just creepedme out.
So if you don't want somethingin your life, don't continue to
(19:13):
keep stepping into it, Don'tkeep announcing it, don't keep
sharing it on the internet,because it could lead you into a
dangerous or potentiallydangerous situation that you
didn't ask for and that youdon't want and that you don't
need.
Now thinking about options, it'sinteresting to me how we are
(19:39):
living in a time that so manypeople are lonely.
They want a significant other,they want a partner, they want
to be dating someone special,but they can't get out of their
own way.
Because when they go on dates,they have their phone out on the
table.
Because when they go out ondates, they don't know how to
(20:00):
communicate with the personsitting across from them.
Because when they go out ondates, it's awkward as fuck
because they don't have thecommunication skills required to
stimulate the other person andthink about having great
conversation or talking aboutsomething interesting.
(20:20):
There's the illusion of havingso many options.
That paralyzes people.
They're afraid to commit.
Because what if that other girlwants to go out with me tonight
?
But I already made plans withthis one?
Ah shit, so now you don't makeplans at all.
And then what happens?
You get stuck home alone.
(20:42):
Womp, womp.
If you want to create andcultivate connection, you have
to be out there, you have tomake eye contact, you've got to
have conversation, and if youdon't know how to do that, you
can practice.
(21:03):
Now I have this great idea tostart putting together meetups
of some sort, and it's kind ofan infancy idea.
Right now it's kind of like youknow an egg that's being
incubated and I don't reallyknow what I want to do with it,
where I want to go with it, howI want to execute, what the
theme is going to be.
But I know that there is a needfor people to connect, so I
(21:29):
just got to sit with it a littlebit longer and let it marinate
until the idea drops in, and Iknow that it will.
But if you find yourself out ona date, do yourself a favor
turn your fucking phone off, logoff, just don't have it out.
Be present, give the otherperson your undivided attention
(21:51):
and check your phone later.
Now.
I didn't mean for this episodeto be so doom and gloom and
serious, but it is a serioustopic and if you're someone who
has a tendency to look everyoneup and follow them on their
social media platforms, I'mgoing to challenge you to
question yourself and yourmotives.
Why are you doing that?
(22:12):
Is there a reason?
And if there is, and you'regoing to message the person,
state it in the message.
So the guy in the furniturestore said nice to meet you,
okay, but maybe if he had saidnice to meet you, I was
wondering if you could help mewith my workouts.
I might answer that you know.
(22:34):
Or if he said nice to meet you,I'd like to put you on my
mailing list for future salesand promotions that we have at
the store.
I'd probably be a littlesuspicious of that anyway, but
that would be better.
So it's all about communication.
It's all about being clear.
It's all about setting yourintentions and sharing it with
(22:55):
the other party to make themfeel comfortable and safe.
And if you don't feelcomfortable and safe, get the
fuck out of the conversation.
So here's some strategy for you, besides the putting your phone
away or not being on it whenyou're in the company of
somebody important, justcommunicate your boundaries with
(23:16):
people.
So if you are an entrepreneuror a service provider, you can
be clear with your clients thatif they need to communicate with
you outside of the hours, thatthey're seeing you in person or
that they're seeing you on Zoom,if that's what you do, explain
how you want them to be able toreach you and be clear about the
(23:39):
lead time that you need.
Some people will ask me if theycan text me or call me over the
weekend and I'll be very clearand fair with people and say,
yeah, you can reach out to me,but on the weekends I try to
limit my responses because I'mspending time with my family or
(23:59):
I'm spending time doing what Iwant to do on my time off.
I'll get back to you.
Sometimes people will messageme and I'll say we'll discuss
this in your next session.
Now I happen to do work inperson, but I realize a lot of
people don't, so it's all aboutbeing clear about what is the
appropriate way to reach out toyou and then what the expected
(24:25):
return response time will be,typically if people know that
they won't be bothering you asmuch, and when they do reach out
, instead of being annoyed orfrustrated, remember that you
told them they could.
Hopefully these things gave yousomething to think about.
Hopefully you'll be a bit moreaware about what you're choosing
(24:50):
to share online and how you'rechoosing to share it.
And if you found this episodevaluable, do me a favor, send me
a text.
There's a way to do that.
Check the show notes.
You can click send a text andI'll get it right to my inbox.
I am so grateful to have yourtime and attention throughout
(25:11):
this episode.
I appreciate you being here and, as always, I will catch you on
the next one.
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