November 3, 2025 • 28 mins
Ever been asked for your advice, poured your best thinking into it, and then watched the asker ignore everything? In this episode, I open up about advice fatigue, why “picking your brain” often becomes extraction, and how to decide who gets access to your expertise without guilt.
From there, we dig into the link between safety and trust. I talk through routines that protect mental health and performance—early nights, early mornings, quiet rituals—and the social tradeoffs that come with discipline.
If this episode resonates, tap follow.
Your time is precious—let’s make sure the people around you treat it that way.
Connect with Me
Instagram: www.instagram.com/tianasmindandmoves
Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
Download your Free 5-Min Pre-Workout Guide:
https://tiana-gonzalez.mykajabi.com/likeyoumeanit
Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana.
I gotta tell you, I am on onetoday.
I'm a little sour, and I think Ineed to talk about it and share
(00:49):
it with you.
Because, one, I'll definitelyfeel better after I vent, and
two, I think there's a valuablelesson or two in the story that
I am about to share with you.
I'm just curious, do you havepeople that approach you and ask
you for advice?
Sometimes they want to pick yourbrain, they want your
(01:11):
professional opinion, they wantto get your input on something
that you're an expert on.
And here's the thing (01:18):
some of us have a lot of experience in a
lot of things.
So for me, I worked in corporateAmerica, I also owned my own
business, I've competed inmultiple sports.
I grew up in a karate school,and then I was in a dance studio
(01:38):
for many years.
I understood operations and alot of the transferable skills
that I have garnered over thelast 47 years of my life being
both a student and then anemployee as well as a teacher
and a coach and a mentor.
There's a lot of areas where Ihave a lot of experience and I
(02:02):
can share anecdotal evidence.
I can talk about personal trialsand tribulations, and I can also
speak to science and data andjust the way that things should
be, could be, would be, if fillin the blank.
And I'm a little sour todaybecause somebody wasted my time.
And my time is my most valuablecommodity.
(02:27):
Quite frankly, your time is yourmost valuable resource too.
Mainly because we don't know howmuch of it we have.
So when somebody asks for yourinput on something, they are
taking your time.
Time that you're never gonna getback.
And a lot of times we do thingsin good faith.
(02:49):
We give people the benefit ofthe doubt, especially if they
present themselves saying, like,hey, I really value your input
and I want your contribution tothis.
And then you start slicing anddicing the situation.
And at the end of the day, ifthey take your advice or even
some of your advice and moveforward with it, then that was
(03:13):
time well spent, particularlyfor them.
Doesn't make a difference toyou, probably, but for them,
because they can see the valuein what you said and what you
shared and then move on with it.
But you and I both know we havethose friends, those cousins,
those acquaintances, thosecoworkers who sometimes don't
(03:37):
really want your advice.
They want a sounding board sothey can speak at you, maybe get
a little bit of your input, andthen rebuttal it and say, but,
but, but, but, but this, butthat, but this, but that.
And that's where you get intopeople wasting your fucking
(03:58):
time.
And so this happened to metoday, where uh somebody asked
me for my input, and I had somestrong opinions about the
situation.
I thought it was understood,like, yeah, you're right, that
makes sense, that's logical,you're a smart thinker.
And then only to find outshortly thereafter that the
(04:23):
person went in a totallydifferent direction, did not
consider any of the valuableinput that I provided, and
wasted my time.
And I really don't like that.
It does not sit well with me, itmakes me feel like I can't trust
this person.
(04:43):
And yes, I am very intense andextreme.
That is my nature.
I take a lot of things veryseriously, and I take things to
heart.
So if I give someone my adviceand we talk about it and we go
back and forth, and we have agood exchange, and then they
(05:04):
don't follow through on that.
Well, now I'm fucking pissedoff, and I'm not gonna give them
advice the next time because mytime is precious.
And this led me to thinkingabout why am I so bothered by
this?
Why is it so frustrating for me?
(05:25):
And what it really goes back tois the idea of feeling safe and
secure and being able to trustthe people that you surround
yourself with.
Now, in this particularinstance, this is not just an
acquaintance or a coworker.
This is somebody who's prettyclose to me as far as proximity
(05:47):
and access and knowing thingsabout my personal life.
And I really do take offensebecause I don't need to waste my
time.
I don't need to share my input.
I don't need to fill the airwith facts, statistics, and my
(06:08):
opinion.
Because quite frankly, I amperfectly good keeping my mind
occupied with things that arefar more important, working on
this show so that I coulddeliver a great experience for
you, my listener, working onthings in my uh therapy group,
in my mental health coachingprogram, where I am a student
(06:29):
and I am refining my craft andworking on my social media
posting and how it relates towhere I'm at mentally,
physically, spiritually,emotionally.
And then also, of course, myin-person work that I do
full-time, which I absolutelylove.
And that is, you know, thefitness and the health,
(06:49):
wellness, nutrition, coaching,and all that good stuff.
And so I think that where I'm atwith things, I know I'm severe,
I know I'm extreme, I take a lotof things to heart.
And that is because I also livewith my heart on my sleeve.
And so I thought about this longand hard, and it's not just
(07:12):
today.
This has happened millions oftimes.
I have people who value myopinion in my workplace in the
gym, and they want to know mythoughts about uh a certain
modality, or my thoughts about acertain event, or my opinion on
a particular workout, and whatdoes it mean, and why should
(07:33):
they do it a certain way, andall this good stuff.
And at the end of it all, I'vegot to be more selective about
who I choose to share with,because my energy and my time
are my limited resources.
Now, there's a lot of timeswhere I want to go and do things
(07:55):
with people.
I want to go out to dinner inthe city, I want to go to events
in the city, I want to go toparties, I want to celebrate, I
want to connect.
And it becomes problematic forme because I also go to bed
really early.
I tend to wake up at 5 a.m.
every day, even without an alarmclock.
And so that means once it getsclose to around 7:30 p.m., I am
(08:19):
starting to decompress.
I'm starting to pull myself awayfrom the computer and the phone.
Maybe I'm dimming the lights inmy house.
I might put a candle on, I mightput some chill music on with my
earbuds, take a shower, read abook.
And yes, I'd love to read anactual paper book in bed before
(08:43):
I fall asleep, not on my phone.
And so that makes it reallychallenging because if I want to
be social and if I want toconnect, and if I want to do
things that are fun, thensometimes I have to sacrifice my
sleep.
Sometimes I have to makecompromises and not be so rigid
and boxed and structured becausehaving that crazy discipline
(09:10):
also does not allow you to livesometimes.
And life is meant to be enjoyed,and connections are meant to be
made.
But you gotta trust people.
And so when they do things thatput you on alert or put you, you
know, on the defense, it makesyou stop and say, Whoa, wait a
(09:33):
minute, what's going on here?
What do we got?
What do we have going on here?
Let's look at this relationshipfrom an expanded view.
Let's take a big step back,breathe, and look at it from
another angle if we can.
Now, not too long ago, I had avery jarring exchange with an
(09:54):
acquaintance, someone who Itruthfully have only met in
person one time.
Uh, but we are part of an onlinecommunity, the same online
community, and we connectedthrough the community and then
on social media, and then wedecided to to do a meetup in
person a few weeks ago, and wehad a great time.
(10:18):
And it was after that meetupwhere you know the person had
reached out, and the messagingwas a bit aggressive, it was
very direct, blunt, to thepoint.
There was no um gentleness,there was no manners.
(10:41):
This person was just like, hey,what's up?
What are you doing?
Are we doing XYZ?
And it was interesting becausefor me, I thought that it was a
little bit forward andaggressive.
And I remember thinking tomyself, I have to be careful in
(11:03):
how I word my responses to thisperson, because I want to be
clear and I don't want to justcome right out and say, no, I'm
not available, or no, I'm notinterested.
Because when someone asks you,and tell me if this resonates
with you, but sometimes whensomeone asks you, like, hey,
(11:24):
what are you doing tomorrow?
Or hey, what are you doingtonight?
You got to be careful how youanswer that, especially if
you're an introvert, especiallyif you are not a people person,
and especially if you have avery busy life and your schedule
is sacred, right?
Because you could say, oh,nothing, I'm home.
(11:46):
And then they say, Okay, well,I'm coming over, or okay, well,
meet me here, or okay, meet methere.
And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I never said I'm not doinganything, I'm just relaxing or
I'm chilling.
Like, just because it's my quoteunquote free time doesn't mean
I'm available for you or for theactivity you're interested in
(12:08):
doing just by default because Ihappen to not be tied up in
something.
And so in this exchange, Icarefully worded my responses
and said, Well, I have to do X,Y, and Z this weekend, but what
do you have in mind?
Are you looking to go hear somemusic?
Do you want to meet for coffee?
(12:29):
Would you like to connect at alocal museum or go shopping?
We could walk around the mall,we could go to lunch.
And I was trying to throw outsuggestions, but also just be
loose with it because I do tendto be pretty fucking rigid.
And his response was like, No,I'm going out.
(12:49):
This is what I'm doing.
This is what I said I'm doing,and this is what I'm doing.
And I never responded, but I wasso deeply triggered and I
ruminated for a couple of days.
I wrote a really long journalentry because I sat there and
said to myself, you know, why isthis, why is this entry, I'm
sorry, why is this experiencebothering me so much?
(13:13):
Why do I feel so triggered bythis person who I've actually
only met in person once?
Now, let me pause because I wantto be clear.
The person I'm sharing in regardto the story with the aggressive
text messages is not the sameperson who kind of pissed me off
earlier today.
These are two different people,okay?
(13:33):
Glad we're clear.
Yeah, more than one person canpiss me the fuck off.
If if you can believe it, butthat's that's genuinely
possible.
So going back to this journalentry, so I wrote and wrote and
wrote and wrote and wrote, and Icouldn't believe what was coming
out of me.
Now I have to say that I believewriting pen to paper is so
cathartic.
(13:54):
It really helps me clear mymind, clear my head, get all the
gunk out, move these emotionsthrough my body and get them out
onto paper and out of my head.
So they're not like swirlingaround as uh ferociously as
before.
Does the situation still botherme?
Yes.
Did I engage with this personsince that weird exchange?
(14:16):
No.
Because it would have seemedlike left field.
Like putting this intoperspective, this person really
is not that important to me.
They don't play a pivotal rolein my life.
I'm not related to them.
I don't even necessarily have tosee them ever again.
And maybe just me because theyfeel incredibly comfortable with
(14:41):
me.
And that's why they approachedme in the way that they did, in
a very informal, casual, forwardand aggressive way, like you
would your sibling or an oldfriend sometimes.
So perhaps that's what happenedthere.
But I thought about this a lot,and what I came to uh find out
(15:04):
about myself was that I didn'ttrust this person.
How could I possibly, right?
I've only met them in persononce.
And yes, we had a nice time.
It was a group meetup.
It wasn't just this other personand myself.
There was a bunch of us at acoffee shop.
And it was lovely and we hadgreat conversation.
But perhaps between the energyexchange, between the
(15:28):
familiarity, there was a levelof comfort established.
And that can't necessarily belooked at as a bad thing.
But for me, it forced me tothink about what it is that I
need from my friendships, frommy colleagues, from my leaders
at work, from my clients, andfrom the people that I allow
(15:51):
closest to me.
And I need consistency.
I know in order for me to feellike I can fully relax, sort of
lay back into that chair,breathe, let my hair down, and
just flow.
(16:13):
I need to feel safe.
I need to feel secure.
The situation needs to feelstable and grounded.
There needs to be consistency inbehavior, in language, in
energy, in patterns.
And truly, that only comes withtime.
(16:36):
So of course, somebody I onlymet in person once is gonna feel
icky or sticky or weird andstrange to me because we haven't
established that solidfoundation yet.
But that is what I require inorder to consider somebody a
(16:57):
part of my life, in order topull them in.
And quite frankly, I need thatfrom my clients too.
I need to know that they aregoing to show up when we make an
appointment.
I need to know that they areputting in the work outside of
the one or two or handful ofsessions per week that we're
doing together in person in thegym.
(17:19):
Because if they are solelyrelying on that, they're not
going to get the results thatthey want.
But if they are adding to whatwe are doing together, then yes,
absolutely, they will moveforward.
But why would I feel so botheredby somebody being either, you
(17:43):
know, pushy in a text message orsomebody wasting my fucking time
in a conversation today and thendoing something totally left
field?
And the this decision with thisconversation from earlier today
really doesn't impact me in anysort of way, but knowing the
(18:03):
person and knowing what theyhave going on in their life and
them opening up to me andallowing me the opportunity to
really give them my full honestassessment and opinion, and then
still doing something completelyleft field, it really does make
me sit and wonder, like, whatthe fuck?
(18:25):
So, yes, I'm venting.
I feel a little bit betterbecause I got these things off
of my chest.
And by the way, if you havesomething on your chest, I
highly suggest getting anotebook, grabbing a pen,
pouring your heart out, and justdumping it all out on paper
because you will feel betterabout it.
(18:47):
Now, if you are afraid ofsomeone finding the paper or
somebody using it against you inthe future, then what you can do
is go outside after you writeeverything out and sit with it,
and then either tear thosepapers up and throw them in a
(19:08):
fire, or light the papers onfire and throw it in like a
metal container, or just tearthem up into tiny, tiny, tiny,
tiny little pieces so thatnobody could put it together.
But do something so that you canget these feelings to move
through you because thatstagnant energy can consume you
and can upset you and can reallyput a wrinkle in your day or
(19:31):
your week or weekend, and it'sprobably not worth it.
Because the thing is that peopledo not necessarily consider you
your perspective or how you'regoing to feel with every
decision and every move thatthey make.
(19:52):
Nine times out of ten, it's notuntil after.
So that might be something foryou to think about.
And it's definitely somethingthat I've been thinking about
because the truth is that no oneis responsible for my feelings
and my emotions except for me.
(20:13):
Funny story.
Going back a few years ago, Iremember at one of the camp
experiences where I was inPowerMonkey camp in Tennessee.
Uh, the couple that I work with,I consult for them, uh, the wife
and I had a little bit of auncomfortable exchange one
(20:34):
morning.
And she really didn't even catchit.
Uh, somebody else saw that I wasvisibly upset, and I walked away
only a few hours later for herto approach me and say, Hey, you
know, were you upset with meabout something that I said
earlier?
And I said, Yeah, I was.
(20:54):
I was pretty hurt because of theway you spoke to me.
And uh, you know, I just figuredthe appropriate thing for to for
me to do in that moment was towalk away, remove myself from
this situation and navigate myemotions and figure out what was
really bothering me.
And she said, Oh, well, youknow, why didn't you come and
(21:17):
talk to me about it?
And I said, Because I needed tocool myself down.
I didn't want to react or saysomething hurtful that I didn't
mean, or really fly off thehandle because I was feeling
emotional in the moment.
I wanted to address you at alater time, but you you beat me
to it.
You approached me first.
And she's like, Well, what if Inever gave you that opportunity?
(21:38):
And I said, Well, I would havemade it a point to ask you if we
could speak at a time, you know,where you you could talk to me.
And I remember saying to her, Iwas upset about X, Y, and Z.
And I realized that you probablydidn't mean to sound harsh or be
(21:59):
so blunt, but it it stung in themoment, and I my feelings were
hurt.
But that is my responsibility,not yours.
I am sensitive, I wear my hearton my sleeve, I'm an emotional
creature, and my feelings are myresponsibility to navigate.
That is not your job.
(22:20):
However, it is my job to let youknow at some point, like, hey,
that kind of hurt my feelings.
And I'm sure you didn't mean it,but I thought I would let you
know.
And to which she lookedcompletely dumbfounded, and then
also said, Wow, you're veryinteresting and introspective.
(22:46):
And I've never quite heardsomebody explain it like that,
but that's that's you know,really self-aware.
And I said, Yeah, I I've done alot of work on myself, and you
know, it is worth having aconversation with you at some
point because I we work togetherand I want to continue working
together, but I also need you tomaybe just be mindful that, you
(23:11):
know, like, hey, I may look allbig and tough and strong with
these muscles that I have, butI'm really fragile and sensitive
and emotional, and I takeeverything to heart, even when I
know I shouldn't, because I'mdelicate.
And it was a really goodconversation for her and I to
have because we grew from thatmoment, we became closer from
(23:33):
it.
And so nobody is responsible foryou or your feelings except for
you.
And you are responsible for howyou navigate them, what you do
with them, how do you respond topeople?
And sometimes no response is thebest response.
(23:53):
So, with my friend who sent methe really rude text message,
I'm just leaving it alone.
I don't need to explainanything.
And I really don't feel likesaying, hey, you know what?
I don't trust you because that'ssomething I have to figure out.
And in order for me to buildtrust with somebody, I just need
(24:14):
to be around them more, talk tothem more, and spend more time
with them.
And so just like with yourworkouts, just like with your
diet, just like with studying asubject in school or honing in
on a craft or a skill, you haveto be consistent in your
practice.
(24:35):
That is how you build thatstrong foundation over time.
You repeat the patterns, youcreate balance, you're
consistent with yourself, you'reconsistent in the way that you
show up into the world, how youshow up in your relationships,
how you show up in yourpartnerships and your
friendships with your workingrelationships.
(24:59):
And that is how you build trust.
That is how you create a securefoundation, that is how you know
that you're good.
Because if you're an emotionalcreature like me and you read
energy and you're justhypersensitive because maybe as
a kid you grew up with parentsthat were always yelling and
screaming and fighting andhitting and punching things, you
(25:21):
just became super vigilant.
It's not intuition, it'shyper-vigilance because you were
a parent pleaser, and then maybeyou grew up to be a people
pleaser.
And when I say you, I'm actuallytalking about me because that
was my experience.
And so I had to learn how toseparate what was I feeling
here?
Is that external or is thatinternal?
(25:42):
Because if I really trustmyself, I'm okay in any
situation.
But now it's a matter of do Iwant to be in that situation?
In one of the first episodes ofthis show, I talked about how I
always used to jump intoshark-infested waters because
I'm strong enough to swim inthat water.
But the thing is, even if I canhandle it, I still was getting
(26:04):
bit left and right.
I still was getting, you know,torn up and bloodied and
scarred.
And I just got tired of that.
Why do we keep choosing that?
It's like going back to anabusive relationship.
You're fucking blinded andbrainwashed.
And so you don't believe thatyou have another option.
You don't believe that there areother choices available to you
(26:27):
out in the world because you areso programmed to think a certain
way.
Maybe it is possible for you,but you have to take that step
first.
So you have to pull yourselfaway from those negative
situations, stop jumping intothat shark-infested water, start
to realize that maybe you can besensitive and fragile, and you
(26:50):
can still trust yourself in thereal world out there where it
might be scary, where it mightfeel like can you trust anybody?
Well, maybe you can't, but youcan trust yourself.
So I know I rambled in thisepisode and I talked about a
whole bunch of stuff, and I hopethat it all makes sense.
Because at the end of the day,if you trust yourself, you'll be
(27:13):
all right.
And if you know what you expectfrom people and you have your
standards and expectations andyou communicate them clearly,
there's no room for error,there's no miscommunications or
misfirings on your part.
And even when it's scary, evenwhen it's uncomfortable, you
speak your truth.
(27:33):
That is what you should bedoing.
And I don't really like to usethe word should anymore because
there's an energy of like shamearound it.
So maybe I'll say that's whatyou could be doing.
So I'm encouraging you to alwayslive your truth.
No matter what, no matter howhard it is out there, no matter
(27:54):
how scary it is or how alone youmay feel at times, because
you're worth it.
As always, I appreciate yourtime, energy, and attention to
this show.
If you enjoyed the show, pleaseleave me a review, maybe give me
a few stars.
It helps the show to bediscovered by other amazing
(28:17):
people just like you.
I'll catch you on the next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana.
I gotta tell you, I am on onetoday.
I'm a little sour, and I think Ineed to talk about it and share
(00:49):
it with you.
Because, one, I'll definitelyfeel better after I vent, and
two, I think there's a valuablelesson or two in the story that
I am about to share with you.
I'm just curious, do you havepeople that approach you and ask
you for advice?
Sometimes they want to pick yourbrain, they want your
(01:11):
professional opinion, they wantto get your input on something
that you're an expert on.
And here's the thing (01:18):
some of us have a lot of experience in a
lot of things.
So for me, I worked in corporateAmerica, I also owned my own
business, I've competed inmultiple sports.
I grew up in a karate school,and then I was in a dance studio
(01:38):
for many years.
I understood operations and alot of the transferable skills
that I have garnered over thelast 47 years of my life being
both a student and then anemployee as well as a teacher
and a coach and a mentor.
There's a lot of areas where Ihave a lot of experience and I
(02:02):
can share anecdotal evidence.
I can talk about personal trialsand tribulations, and I can also
speak to science and data andjust the way that things should
be, could be, would be, if fillin the blank.
And I'm a little sour todaybecause somebody wasted my time.
And my time is my most valuablecommodity.
(02:27):
Quite frankly, your time is yourmost valuable resource too.
Mainly because we don't know howmuch of it we have.
So when somebody asks for yourinput on something, they are
taking your time.
Time that you're never gonna getback.
And a lot of times we do thingsin good faith.
(02:49):
We give people the benefit ofthe doubt, especially if they
present themselves saying, like,hey, I really value your input
and I want your contribution tothis.
And then you start slicing anddicing the situation.
And at the end of the day, ifthey take your advice or even
some of your advice and moveforward with it, then that was
(03:13):
time well spent, particularlyfor them.
Doesn't make a difference toyou, probably, but for them,
because they can see the valuein what you said and what you
shared and then move on with it.
But you and I both know we havethose friends, those cousins,
those acquaintances, thosecoworkers who sometimes don't
(03:37):
really want your advice.
They want a sounding board sothey can speak at you, maybe get
a little bit of your input, andthen rebuttal it and say, but,
but, but, but, but this, butthat, but this, but that.
And that's where you get intopeople wasting your fucking
(03:58):
time.
And so this happened to metoday, where uh somebody asked
me for my input, and I had somestrong opinions about the
situation.
I thought it was understood,like, yeah, you're right, that
makes sense, that's logical,you're a smart thinker.
And then only to find outshortly thereafter that the
(04:23):
person went in a totallydifferent direction, did not
consider any of the valuableinput that I provided, and
wasted my time.
And I really don't like that.
It does not sit well with me, itmakes me feel like I can't trust
this person.
(04:43):
And yes, I am very intense andextreme.
That is my nature.
I take a lot of things veryseriously, and I take things to
heart.
So if I give someone my adviceand we talk about it and we go
back and forth, and we have agood exchange, and then they
(05:04):
don't follow through on that.
Well, now I'm fucking pissedoff, and I'm not gonna give them
advice the next time because mytime is precious.
And this led me to thinkingabout why am I so bothered by
this?
Why is it so frustrating for me?
(05:25):
And what it really goes back tois the idea of feeling safe and
secure and being able to trustthe people that you surround
yourself with.
Now, in this particularinstance, this is not just an
acquaintance or a coworker.
This is somebody who's prettyclose to me as far as proximity
(05:47):
and access and knowing thingsabout my personal life.
And I really do take offensebecause I don't need to waste my
time.
I don't need to share my input.
I don't need to fill the airwith facts, statistics, and my
(06:08):
opinion.
Because quite frankly, I amperfectly good keeping my mind
occupied with things that arefar more important, working on
this show so that I coulddeliver a great experience for
you, my listener, working onthings in my uh therapy group,
in my mental health coachingprogram, where I am a student
(06:29):
and I am refining my craft andworking on my social media
posting and how it relates towhere I'm at mentally,
physically, spiritually,emotionally.
And then also, of course, myin-person work that I do
full-time, which I absolutelylove.
And that is, you know, thefitness and the health,
(06:49):
wellness, nutrition, coaching,and all that good stuff.
And so I think that where I'm atwith things, I know I'm severe,
I know I'm extreme, I take a lotof things to heart.
And that is because I also livewith my heart on my sleeve.
And so I thought about this longand hard, and it's not just
(07:12):
today.
This has happened millions oftimes.
I have people who value myopinion in my workplace in the
gym, and they want to know mythoughts about uh a certain
modality, or my thoughts about acertain event, or my opinion on
a particular workout, and whatdoes it mean, and why should
(07:33):
they do it a certain way, andall this good stuff.
And at the end of it all, I'vegot to be more selective about
who I choose to share with,because my energy and my time
are my limited resources.
Now, there's a lot of timeswhere I want to go and do things
(07:55):
with people.
I want to go out to dinner inthe city, I want to go to events
in the city, I want to go toparties, I want to celebrate, I
want to connect.
And it becomes problematic forme because I also go to bed
really early.
I tend to wake up at 5 a.m.
every day, even without an alarmclock.
And so that means once it getsclose to around 7:30 p.m., I am
(08:19):
starting to decompress.
I'm starting to pull myself awayfrom the computer and the phone.
Maybe I'm dimming the lights inmy house.
I might put a candle on, I mightput some chill music on with my
earbuds, take a shower, read abook.
And yes, I'd love to read anactual paper book in bed before
(08:43):
I fall asleep, not on my phone.
And so that makes it reallychallenging because if I want to
be social and if I want toconnect, and if I want to do
things that are fun, thensometimes I have to sacrifice my
sleep.
Sometimes I have to makecompromises and not be so rigid
and boxed and structured becausehaving that crazy discipline
(09:10):
also does not allow you to livesometimes.
And life is meant to be enjoyed,and connections are meant to be
made.
But you gotta trust people.
And so when they do things thatput you on alert or put you, you
know, on the defense, it makesyou stop and say, Whoa, wait a
(09:33):
minute, what's going on here?
What do we got?
What do we have going on here?
Let's look at this relationshipfrom an expanded view.
Let's take a big step back,breathe, and look at it from
another angle if we can.
Now, not too long ago, I had avery jarring exchange with an
(09:54):
acquaintance, someone who Itruthfully have only met in
person one time.
Uh, but we are part of an onlinecommunity, the same online
community, and we connectedthrough the community and then
on social media, and then wedecided to to do a meetup in
person a few weeks ago, and wehad a great time.
(10:18):
And it was after that meetupwhere you know the person had
reached out, and the messagingwas a bit aggressive, it was
very direct, blunt, to thepoint.
There was no um gentleness,there was no manners.
(10:41):
This person was just like, hey,what's up?
What are you doing?
Are we doing XYZ?
And it was interesting becausefor me, I thought that it was a
little bit forward andaggressive.
And I remember thinking tomyself, I have to be careful in
(11:03):
how I word my responses to thisperson, because I want to be
clear and I don't want to justcome right out and say, no, I'm
not available, or no, I'm notinterested.
Because when someone asks you,and tell me if this resonates
with you, but sometimes whensomeone asks you, like, hey,
(11:24):
what are you doing tomorrow?
Or hey, what are you doingtonight?
You got to be careful how youanswer that, especially if
you're an introvert, especiallyif you are not a people person,
and especially if you have avery busy life and your schedule
is sacred, right?
Because you could say, oh,nothing, I'm home.
(11:46):
And then they say, Okay, well,I'm coming over, or okay, well,
meet me here, or okay, meet methere.
And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I never said I'm not doinganything, I'm just relaxing or
I'm chilling.
Like, just because it's my quoteunquote free time doesn't mean
I'm available for you or for theactivity you're interested in
(12:08):
doing just by default because Ihappen to not be tied up in
something.
And so in this exchange, Icarefully worded my responses
and said, Well, I have to do X,Y, and Z this weekend, but what
do you have in mind?
Are you looking to go hear somemusic?
Do you want to meet for coffee?
(12:29):
Would you like to connect at alocal museum or go shopping?
We could walk around the mall,we could go to lunch.
And I was trying to throw outsuggestions, but also just be
loose with it because I do tendto be pretty fucking rigid.
And his response was like, No,I'm going out.
(12:49):
This is what I'm doing.
This is what I said I'm doing,and this is what I'm doing.
And I never responded, but I wasso deeply triggered and I
ruminated for a couple of days.
I wrote a really long journalentry because I sat there and
said to myself, you know, why isthis, why is this entry, I'm
sorry, why is this experiencebothering me so much?
(13:13):
Why do I feel so triggered bythis person who I've actually
only met in person once?
Now, let me pause because I wantto be clear.
The person I'm sharing in regardto the story with the aggressive
text messages is not the sameperson who kind of pissed me off
earlier today.
These are two different people,okay?
(13:33):
Glad we're clear.
Yeah, more than one person canpiss me the fuck off.
If if you can believe it, butthat's that's genuinely
possible.
So going back to this journalentry, so I wrote and wrote and
wrote and wrote and wrote, and Icouldn't believe what was coming
out of me.
Now I have to say that I believewriting pen to paper is so
cathartic.
(13:54):
It really helps me clear mymind, clear my head, get all the
gunk out, move these emotionsthrough my body and get them out
onto paper and out of my head.
So they're not like swirlingaround as uh ferociously as
before.
Does the situation still botherme?
Yes.
Did I engage with this personsince that weird exchange?
(14:16):
No.
Because it would have seemedlike left field.
Like putting this intoperspective, this person really
is not that important to me.
They don't play a pivotal rolein my life.
I'm not related to them.
I don't even necessarily have tosee them ever again.
And maybe just me because theyfeel incredibly comfortable with
(14:41):
me.
And that's why they approachedme in the way that they did, in
a very informal, casual, forwardand aggressive way, like you
would your sibling or an oldfriend sometimes.
So perhaps that's what happenedthere.
But I thought about this a lot,and what I came to uh find out
(15:04):
about myself was that I didn'ttrust this person.
How could I possibly, right?
I've only met them in persononce.
And yes, we had a nice time.
It was a group meetup.
It wasn't just this other personand myself.
There was a bunch of us at acoffee shop.
And it was lovely and we hadgreat conversation.
But perhaps between the energyexchange, between the
(15:28):
familiarity, there was a levelof comfort established.
And that can't necessarily belooked at as a bad thing.
But for me, it forced me tothink about what it is that I
need from my friendships, frommy colleagues, from my leaders
at work, from my clients, andfrom the people that I allow
(15:51):
closest to me.
And I need consistency.
I know in order for me to feellike I can fully relax, sort of
lay back into that chair,breathe, let my hair down, and
just flow.
(16:13):
I need to feel safe.
I need to feel secure.
The situation needs to feelstable and grounded.
There needs to be consistency inbehavior, in language, in
energy, in patterns.
And truly, that only comes withtime.
(16:36):
So of course, somebody I onlymet in person once is gonna feel
icky or sticky or weird andstrange to me because we haven't
established that solidfoundation yet.
But that is what I require inorder to consider somebody a
(16:57):
part of my life, in order topull them in.
And quite frankly, I need thatfrom my clients too.
I need to know that they aregoing to show up when we make an
appointment.
I need to know that they areputting in the work outside of
the one or two or handful ofsessions per week that we're
doing together in person in thegym.
(17:19):
Because if they are solelyrelying on that, they're not
going to get the results thatthey want.
But if they are adding to whatwe are doing together, then yes,
absolutely, they will moveforward.
But why would I feel so botheredby somebody being either, you
(17:43):
know, pushy in a text message orsomebody wasting my fucking time
in a conversation today and thendoing something totally left
field?
And the this decision with thisconversation from earlier today
really doesn't impact me in anysort of way, but knowing the
(18:03):
person and knowing what theyhave going on in their life and
them opening up to me andallowing me the opportunity to
really give them my full honestassessment and opinion, and then
still doing something completelyleft field, it really does make
me sit and wonder, like, whatthe fuck?
(18:25):
So, yes, I'm venting.
I feel a little bit betterbecause I got these things off
of my chest.
And by the way, if you havesomething on your chest, I
highly suggest getting anotebook, grabbing a pen,
pouring your heart out, and justdumping it all out on paper
because you will feel betterabout it.
(18:47):
Now, if you are afraid ofsomeone finding the paper or
somebody using it against you inthe future, then what you can do
is go outside after you writeeverything out and sit with it,
and then either tear thosepapers up and throw them in a
(19:08):
fire, or light the papers onfire and throw it in like a
metal container, or just tearthem up into tiny, tiny, tiny,
tiny little pieces so thatnobody could put it together.
But do something so that you canget these feelings to move
through you because thatstagnant energy can consume you
and can upset you and can reallyput a wrinkle in your day or
(19:31):
your week or weekend, and it'sprobably not worth it.
Because the thing is that peopledo not necessarily consider you
your perspective or how you'regoing to feel with every
decision and every move thatthey make.
(19:52):
Nine times out of ten, it's notuntil after.
So that might be something foryou to think about.
And it's definitely somethingthat I've been thinking about
because the truth is that no oneis responsible for my feelings
and my emotions except for me.
(20:13):
Funny story.
Going back a few years ago, Iremember at one of the camp
experiences where I was inPowerMonkey camp in Tennessee.
Uh, the couple that I work with,I consult for them, uh, the wife
and I had a little bit of auncomfortable exchange one
(20:34):
morning.
And she really didn't even catchit.
Uh, somebody else saw that I wasvisibly upset, and I walked away
only a few hours later for herto approach me and say, Hey, you
know, were you upset with meabout something that I said
earlier?
And I said, Yeah, I was.
(20:54):
I was pretty hurt because of theway you spoke to me.
And uh, you know, I just figuredthe appropriate thing for to for
me to do in that moment was towalk away, remove myself from
this situation and navigate myemotions and figure out what was
really bothering me.
And she said, Oh, well, youknow, why didn't you come and
(21:17):
talk to me about it?
And I said, Because I needed tocool myself down.
I didn't want to react or saysomething hurtful that I didn't
mean, or really fly off thehandle because I was feeling
emotional in the moment.
I wanted to address you at alater time, but you you beat me
to it.
You approached me first.
And she's like, Well, what if Inever gave you that opportunity?
(21:38):
And I said, Well, I would havemade it a point to ask you if we
could speak at a time, you know,where you you could talk to me.
And I remember saying to her, Iwas upset about X, Y, and Z.
And I realized that you probablydidn't mean to sound harsh or be
(21:59):
so blunt, but it it stung in themoment, and I my feelings were
hurt.
But that is my responsibility,not yours.
I am sensitive, I wear my hearton my sleeve, I'm an emotional
creature, and my feelings are myresponsibility to navigate.
That is not your job.
(22:20):
However, it is my job to let youknow at some point, like, hey,
that kind of hurt my feelings.
And I'm sure you didn't mean it,but I thought I would let you
know.
And to which she lookedcompletely dumbfounded, and then
also said, Wow, you're veryinteresting and introspective.
(22:46):
And I've never quite heardsomebody explain it like that,
but that's that's you know,really self-aware.
And I said, Yeah, I I've done alot of work on myself, and you
know, it is worth having aconversation with you at some
point because I we work togetherand I want to continue working
together, but I also need you tomaybe just be mindful that, you
(23:11):
know, like, hey, I may look allbig and tough and strong with
these muscles that I have, butI'm really fragile and sensitive
and emotional, and I takeeverything to heart, even when I
know I shouldn't, because I'mdelicate.
And it was a really goodconversation for her and I to
have because we grew from thatmoment, we became closer from
(23:33):
it.
And so nobody is responsible foryou or your feelings except for
you.
And you are responsible for howyou navigate them, what you do
with them, how do you respond topeople?
And sometimes no response is thebest response.
(23:53):
So, with my friend who sent methe really rude text message,
I'm just leaving it alone.
I don't need to explainanything.
And I really don't feel likesaying, hey, you know what?
I don't trust you because that'ssomething I have to figure out.
And in order for me to buildtrust with somebody, I just need
(24:14):
to be around them more, talk tothem more, and spend more time
with them.
And so just like with yourworkouts, just like with your
diet, just like with studying asubject in school or honing in
on a craft or a skill, you haveto be consistent in your
practice.
(24:35):
That is how you build thatstrong foundation over time.
You repeat the patterns, youcreate balance, you're
consistent with yourself, you'reconsistent in the way that you
show up into the world, how youshow up in your relationships,
how you show up in yourpartnerships and your
friendships with your workingrelationships.
(24:59):
And that is how you build trust.
That is how you create a securefoundation, that is how you know
that you're good.
Because if you're an emotionalcreature like me and you read
energy and you're justhypersensitive because maybe as
a kid you grew up with parentsthat were always yelling and
screaming and fighting andhitting and punching things, you
(25:21):
just became super vigilant.
It's not intuition, it'shyper-vigilance because you were
a parent pleaser, and then maybeyou grew up to be a people
pleaser.
And when I say you, I'm actuallytalking about me because that
was my experience.
And so I had to learn how toseparate what was I feeling
here?
Is that external or is thatinternal?
(25:42):
Because if I really trustmyself, I'm okay in any
situation.
But now it's a matter of do Iwant to be in that situation?
In one of the first episodes ofthis show, I talked about how I
always used to jump intoshark-infested waters because
I'm strong enough to swim inthat water.
But the thing is, even if I canhandle it, I still was getting
(26:04):
bit left and right.
I still was getting, you know,torn up and bloodied and
scarred.
And I just got tired of that.
Why do we keep choosing that?
It's like going back to anabusive relationship.
You're fucking blinded andbrainwashed.
And so you don't believe thatyou have another option.
You don't believe that there areother choices available to you
(26:27):
out in the world because you areso programmed to think a certain
way.
Maybe it is possible for you,but you have to take that step
first.
So you have to pull yourselfaway from those negative
situations, stop jumping intothat shark-infested water, start
to realize that maybe you can besensitive and fragile, and you
(26:50):
can still trust yourself in thereal world out there where it
might be scary, where it mightfeel like can you trust anybody?
Well, maybe you can't, but youcan trust yourself.
So I know I rambled in thisepisode and I talked about a
whole bunch of stuff, and I hopethat it all makes sense.
Because at the end of the day,if you trust yourself, you'll be
(27:13):
all right.
And if you know what you expectfrom people and you have your
standards and expectations andyou communicate them clearly,
there's no room for error,there's no miscommunications or
misfirings on your part.
And even when it's scary, evenwhen it's uncomfortable, you
speak your truth.
(27:33):
That is what you should bedoing.
And I don't really like to usethe word should anymore because
there's an energy of like shamearound it.
So maybe I'll say that's whatyou could be doing.
So I'm encouraging you to alwayslive your truth.
No matter what, no matter howhard it is out there, no matter
(27:54):
how scary it is or how alone youmay feel at times, because
you're worth it.
As always, I appreciate yourtime, energy, and attention to
this show.
If you enjoyed the show, pleaseleave me a review, maybe give me
a few stars.
It helps the show to bediscovered by other amazing
(28:17):
people just like you.
I'll catch you on the next one.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.