November 17, 2025 • 26 mins
A snowy hill, a swing set, and two kids smiling at the camera—what you can’t see is the watchtower just beyond the frame. I share the story behind a photo taken inside a New York State maximum security prison, where weekend trailer visits promised a temporary version of home.
We pull back the curtain on how those visits worked—groceries through security, IDs surrendered, counts called in the cold—and why a teenager would choose to spend precious weekends under prison rules. Along the way, I talk about what happens when the myth of a parent collapses and how I stopped confusing endurance with loyalty.
The conversation moves from edge to softness, from hyper-vigilance to accurate naming of what hurts and what simply disappoints. We explore the idea that people love only to the depth they love themselves, and how to protect your heart without hardening it beyond repair.
If this resonates, please let me know by sending a text. Subscribe for more stories and strategies, and leave a review to tell me what part hit home.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana.
This is a special episode.
It's story time.
So yesterday I posted a photo onmy Instagram story, and it got a
(00:52):
compelling and overwhelmingresponse from my network, from
my community, that people wantedto know more about the photo.
So let me paint the picture foryou.
This photo was taken when I wasin high school.
So we're talking mid-90s.
I graduated from high school inspring of 1996.
(01:15):
So I'm thinking this photo wastaken probably uh either in the
winter and like towards the endof the year of 1995 or you know,
early 1996.
This photo was of my brother andme.
We're standing on a snowy hillor snowy mountain.
(01:39):
There's a swing set behind us.
Further back, you can see atrailer, and then beyond that
you see a very high stone wall.
This photo was taken within thewalls of a New York State
maximum security prison.
(02:01):
And the question that I hadasked my community was do you
want to hear more about this?
To which everyone who voted inthe poll said yes, they do.
So what the fuck was my brother,Emmy, doing inside of a prison
in what looks like a residentialspace?
(02:23):
Allow me to explain.
I don't know, by the way, ifthey still have this program or
not, but back in the day, at themaximum security prisons, there
were trailer visits.
And so we would go to the jail,we would buy groceries, we could
(02:44):
cook food, bring, you know,pre-made food that could be
reheated, or you could justbring groceries and run through
security.
You also pack for two nights,and everything you bring is
heavily searched.
All the bags are emptied andthen repacked.
You go through the metaldetectors.
(03:04):
There's a long list of thingsthat are considered contraband,
which you're not allowed tobring inside.
And once we get throughprocessing, we are allowed to
basically live in a smalltrailer with the person who is
imprisoned.
And it's basically the remainderof that day that you arrive,
(03:26):
spend the night, you have thewhole next day, spend the night
again, and then you leave earlyin the morning on day three.
So it's really about two dayswhen you add up the hours, but
it feels like it's three justbecause of when you are entered
(03:47):
into the space and then when youexit and go through processing
again.
And I'm sure you're askingyourself, what the fuck were we
doing sleeping overnight in whatappeared to be a trailer or like
a family corner of a maximumsecurity prison?
Wouldn't that be dangerous?
Well, yeah, I think yes, itcould be dangerous.
(04:08):
But what I want you to realizeis that within these very high
walls, there was a section ofthe prison that was closed off
from everything else.
And so we were basically in acorner of this contained space.
(04:28):
And within this corner, therewere six trailers, and it really
was three trailers split inhalf.
So when I say trailer, I'mtalking about like something
that you would uh hitch on tothe back of your truck or like a
trailer park home, somethinglike that, like a trailer home.
So there was running water,there's a bathroom, if I
(04:50):
remember correctly, there weretwo bedrooms, and then also the
sofa in the open common spacepulled out into a couch as well.
So it was designed to allow forfamilies to visit and spend time
together.
And what's super interesting isthat I don't remember how many
(05:11):
times we did a trailer visit.
I know it wasn't a ton becauseit was something that, you know,
there were certain privilegesthat needed to be earned in
order to make that happen.
And then there was anapplication process, and then
I'm sure behavior was examined,and all of this is what I'm
talking about that my fatherwould have had to do on his end.
(05:31):
And then on our end, it's also ahuge time commitment because I'm
missing part of a day of school,and there's travel to get to the
prison.
And then here's the other partof it that's really important to
remember we were minors, sothere had to be someone who had
(05:55):
authorization to act as ourguardian for the weekend.
For example, in the event of amedical emergency, somebody who
had a reliable vehicle, somebodywho also had a clean record.
And you basically give up yourrights.
You have nothing when you gointo a prison.
(06:16):
So everyone would getfingerprinted, we would have to
show ID, everything would haveto check out, they would look at
your birth certificate, socialsecurity card.
Um, if you were an adult,whatever your ID was, maybe a
driver's license or a passport.
And they kept records ofeveryone's information.
(06:36):
And so you're giving up yourrights to go into the prison,
and now you are under the ruleof the prison.
And so within that corner of theprison yard, which was not the
yard where the guys had theirgym time and free time, it was
just a different space.
(06:57):
There was also a tower, awatchtower, obviously.
And every few hours throughoutthe day, each prisoner would
have to go step outside to beaccounted for.
They call that the count.
And if anyone was missinganywhere within the prison,
whether they were like if theyweren't at work, they weren't in
(07:20):
their cell, they weren't on thegrounds, if they could not be
accounted for, everything gotshut down, nobody could go
anywhere, move, or do anything.
We would have to stay inside ofthe trailer.
The prisoners would stayoutside, whether it was freezing
cold or not, until every singlebody was accounted for, and then
they could go back inside.
(07:42):
And so I'm sure you're wonderingwhy the fuck would we want to do
this?
Well, it's ironic that myneighbor's vacuuming now while
I'm trying to tell this story.
Go figure.
Sorry for the background noiseif you hear it, but I'm going to
continue.
So we lived with my father upuntil he went to prison.
(08:04):
From early childhood until I was12, my dad was my primary
caregiver.
My parents split up when I wasaround four, and we left with my
dad.
Obviously, not by our choosing.
We didn't know what was goingon.
And I say we, I'm talking aboutmy brother and me.
And so when I turned about nineyears old, my parents went
(08:27):
through the lengthy ordeal ofgetting a divorce, fighting for
custody.
And believe it or not, even inthe 80s, with the help of very
powerful attorneys and somemanipulation, the judge awarded
my father full custody and mymom visitation rights every
other weekend.
Insane.
That would never happennowadays, but it happened in the
(08:49):
80s in Westchester County, NewYork, which is right outside of
New York City.
So once my father went toprison, we had to switch
households.
We packed up our stuff, wemoved, we changed schools.
There was a lot of emotionaldamage done.
(09:11):
And then there was also theshame.
We weren't allowed to talk aboutwhat was going on.
We had to keep it a secret.
And I couldn't really show myemotions at home because there
was this very blurry, messyenvironment we were in where by
(09:32):
me expressing sadness aboutmissing my dad, it somehow would
be turned into a slight againstmy mother.
And there was a lot ofresentment and anger and
fighting.
And the first I would say twoyears or so, it was brutal
because I didn't know how tonavigate this space.
(09:56):
I quickly learned what ticked mymother off, what not to say,
what not to do, how to staybelow the radar, just survive so
that I could get out of thereonce I got into college.
It was a very hard way to live.
And it was really challengingbecause I really needed parental
(10:19):
guidance.
And my mom was very much afriend most of the time, but
then would discipline me fromtime to time.
And it was just so confusing forme.
And I have to say, my dad made alot of mistakes too.
Before he went to prison, therewere times where my parents were
fighting about, you know,something that maybe my mom did
(10:41):
when she had us for the weekend.
For example, maybe she had a guyfriend pick us up in his car and
drive us somewhere, or pick usup and give us a ride back to
where my father lived becauseshe didn't want to drop us off
late.
And maybe the train or the buswas running late for whatever
reason.
And so, in thinking she's doingsomething good, we'd then get
(11:01):
upstairs and dad would say,like, oh, you know, who dropped
who just dropped you off?
I was watching from the window.
And we knew we were going to getin trouble for something that an
adult decided that we had nocontrol over.
And so it was this crazy sort ofthing because as a child, as a
young kid, I had no way to likejust be safe.
(11:25):
I was always being scolded,reprimanded, or disciplined nine
times out of ten for things thatI had did not do or had control
over, but I took part in.
And so I was the one that wasresponsible.
I was the one that took theblame.
And I really wish that I wasexaggerating and sharing this,
but it's actually true.
(11:46):
So going back to the weekendvisits, we would do anything to
get that feeling back of beingrelaxed, watching movies,
playing board games, eatingfood, spending time with dad.
That is all that me and mybrother wanted.
(12:08):
And so, yeah, we would beg, wewould save our allowance, and we
would do whatever we could totry to make regular visits, but
then most especially the trailervisits.
And I remember the first trailervisit got totally fucked up
because my aunt and uncle,they're not married, they're
(12:30):
brother and sister.
My aunt and uncle volunteered tobring us up for the weekend for
the trailer visit.
So they are the siblings of mydad, my dad's younger brother
and younger sister.
And something happened, and myuncle was trying to smuggle
something in that wascontraband, and they caught him
and he got arrested, and thewhole trailer visit was put on
(12:53):
kib.
I had cooked, I made a big ZD,my parents gave me money.
When I say my parents, I mean mymom and my stepdad gave me money
to go grocery shopping.
I put in the time.
I'm in fucking high school.
Okay.
I'm also in a bunch of APclasses trying to get the best
grades possible so that I couldget a scholarship and go to a
(13:16):
great college and get out.
I also was uh part of the SpringMusical and vice president of
the National Honor Society.
So there was a lot of pressureon me.
And then I had taken time awayfrom all of that, which should
have been my priorities at thetime, but it took my attention
away from that so that I couldhandle this visit for my father
(13:39):
and for us, and it got ruined.
And it took me a lot to get overthat because I had put so much
effort and time and money,especially as a kid, you know,
$50 when you're 16 and you don'thave a job and you're you're
(14:00):
getting uh, you know, anallowance of maybe five to seven
dollars a week to to do somechores and you're saving it, you
know, losing money on groceriesis a big fucking deal.
It's heartbreaking.
And it's crazy to me because Ithink about like who were the
first people that broke myheart, and it's my family, it's
(14:22):
always my family.
So this gives you context intowho I am, right?
Because people have told me,you've got an edge.
There's a little bit of gangstagoing on there.
There's like a little bit ofthug in you, and it's absolutely
(14:43):
true.
Because as a kid in my own homewith my own family, I had to
learn how to protect myself, Ihad to learn how to stick up for
myself, I had to learn how todefend myself.
One of my cousins hit on me, andI'll never forget it, and it
(15:03):
disgusts me even just thinkingabout it, because we were close
when we were little, and then acomment was made, and I just
lost it because it wascompletely out of context, and
it made me look back and thinkabout all the times that we had
(15:23):
spent together when we werelittle, and I didn't realize
that I was actually beinghunted, or that it was predatory
by you know, the the scenario,and it it just gave me the ick
and it made me realize like, ohmy god, I'm supposed to be able
(15:43):
to trust these people, I'msupposed to be able to trust
this person, and I can't, and Iwon't, and I've removed myself
from that.
But going back to that trailervisit in the picture, you can
see my eyes are sunken in, Ihave dark circles, I look
(16:05):
exhausted, and I'm smilingbecause I'm happy, but I'm also
scared because I remember atthat particular trailer visit,
it really started to hit me thatI was inside of a prison.
I was a young girl in highschool choosing to go in to a
(16:29):
prison for my dad for a feelingof some kind of semblance of
normalcy or cohesion as afamily, and it was a fucking
lie.
I don't regret doing thosethings, you know.
My mother always tells me, evento this day, that I love hard
(16:51):
and that anybody who's evengetting a fraction of what I'm
capable of giving is lucky.
She was hard on me, she wasalways hard on me, but but she
always gave me that compliment.
She used to say it all the time,Manty, you love so hard, you
love so hard that it hurts me tosee how much you love people.
(17:15):
And it's true.
So I used to volunteer my time,make efforts to go see someone
in prison, to put myself inprison.
Those are some real uniqueexperiences, and I had kind of
(17:36):
forgot about it, tucked it away,didn't give it too much thought.
You know, once I moved on withmy life, once I got to college,
the visitations really startedto dwindle.
I didn't have a vehicle of myown where I went to school.
It was a little over athree-hour drive from where I
(17:59):
grew up, where I called home.
So it was challenging to be faraway from home and also far away
and disconnected from my dad.
He could not call me at schoolon the campus, and he would
write to me and I'd write himback.
(18:20):
But it was really, reallychallenging.
And so I remember the times Icould go see him would be maybe
during my winter break andduring my summers.
And I will never forget this onetime that he reprimanded me
because I had not gone to seehim in months.
(18:46):
And I remember looking at him.
I was probably, I don't know, 19years old, maybe 20.
Because at this point, as soonas I turned 18, I started going
to visit him by myself.
I didn't want to put the burdenon anyone else.
I didn't want to deal with thestress and the drama and the
bullshit.
(19:06):
I just took that responsibilityon fully uh as my my own thing.
And so I was, you know, takingthe bus up to see him.
And then eventually I did get acar.
I got a car right before Iturned 20 years old, right
before, I'm sorry, I was 20.
I got a car right before mysenior year of college, right
(19:31):
before I turned 21.
And so I remember being in thevisiting room and he's
reprimanding me because I hadnot been there in such a long
time to visit him.
And I I remember looking at him,I said, Are you crazy?
I just got this car.
I just got my own car and I'mhere visiting you.
(19:54):
Maybe you could take some ofthat energy and look at yourself
and ask yourself, why are youstill in prison after all this
time?
Instead of scolding me because Ihaven't done enough for you.
Maybe you could ask yourself,what are you doing for me?
And that man shut right up.
(20:16):
He wasn't there for my eighthgrade graduation.
He wasn't there for my highschool graduation, he wasn't
there for my college graduation.
He didn't buy me my first carlike he had always promised me
he was going to.
And he wasn't there for me for alot of really important
(20:37):
milestones.
So it was very challenging forme to maintain respect for this
man after all of that.
And years later, when he was onparole, and I learned the truth
about what had reallytranspired, to which I still
(20:58):
don't know all the details, andnor do I care, because it's
irrelevant at this point.
We don't have a greatrelationship.
Actually, we don't have arelationship at all.
And to me, that is an absoluteshame because your children are
blessings and they didn't ask tobe brought into this world.
So the least you could do istake care of them, right?
(21:18):
Until they're ready to go offinto the real world and do their
own thing.
And so for me, when I thinkabout my dad, I'm like, what a
piece of shit.
You basically had me so that Icould take care of you, and
that's not gonna happen.
But when I learned the truth,the few details, the lies, I
(21:40):
realized that all of that time,all of that effort, all of that
stress, and all of those tearswere for a make-believe story,
or for a narrative, or for adream, or for something that was
not and will never be.
And that is one of the biggestheartbreaks I've ever had to
(22:02):
cope with in my entire life.
47 years old, and I look backand I've had a few really tough
things to overcome.
But learning the truth about myfather is probably one of the
hardest things I've ever had toface.
And realizing that my wholeearly childhood, when I was
(22:24):
being taught how to protectmyself and how to defend myself,
I was being taught by somebodywho maybe didn't really have my
best interest at heart, or maybehe wasn't fully capable of it
the way I needed it to be.
(22:46):
I think that's a fair way toframe it, to say it.
People can only love you to thedepths of which they love
themselves.
So if you are somebody like mewho loves hard, who would cut
your fucking heart out of yourchest for somebody that you
loved so deeply, if the otherperson cannot relate to you at
(23:09):
all, you're always gonna end upbeing heartbroken.
You're always going to bedissatisfied and you're always
gonna be a mess because theycannot understand that kind of
depth and capacity.
And by the way, feeling on sucha deep level sometimes is not
necessarily the best thing or isthe healthy way to live.
(23:34):
Because you got to ask yourself,like, why am I why am I
spiraling out of control?
Why am I feeling so lost rightnow?
Why am I in so much pain?
Am I really in that much pain,or is this self-inflicted?
Because it's just about beingdisappointed and being on a
different page.
When you learn to accept peoplefor who they are, flaws and all,
(23:56):
it doesn't hurt as much becauseyou have an understanding of the
person before you, and you'renot in love with the daydream or
the fantasy or the facade.
They say a picture tells athousand words, and that one
photograph that I had never seenbefore, that my brother sent to
(24:20):
me not too long ago, it moved mein such a way, and I didn't
share it right away.
I had to sit with it, I neededto feel ready to talk about it.
And I also wanted to just putsome feelers out there and make
sure that this is somethingpeople actually want to hear
(24:41):
about.
Because the interesting thing isthat it gave me that edge, gave
me those street smarts.
I see the world a little bitdifferently because of my time
that I spent in and out ofprison visiting rooms, but also
(25:01):
like who I had to become inorder to make those visits
happen.
Being the ringleader, gettingthe information, finding the bus
schedules, learning the rules,what's the state law, what kind
of ID do you need?
Now remember, this is in the90s.
There was no fucking internet,there was no Google, everything
(25:22):
was by going to the library, bymaking phone calls and getting
lost on these state roads withno street names, no signage,
just like turn right after thebig oak tree and then turn left
at the cobblestone house.
And that's literally what it waslike.
(25:42):
I wish I was exaggerating, butI'm not.
Everything that happens leavesan imprint, leaves a mark,
leaves something behind thatthat's left with you forever.
And while all of these thingshave added the edge, they also
(26:05):
have made me appreciate mysoftness even more.
They've also helped me to becomemore vulnerable, to embrace a
little bit of a softer way ofviewing the world, of existing,
of being.
And you know, not everythingneeds to be so hard all the
(26:25):
time.
And not everyone is out to getyou either.
But that's just my two cents.
And I'm gonna leave this righthere.
I appreciate you, your time,your attention, your tuning in
week after week.
You being here means more to methan you will ever know.
And if you enjoyed this episode,please let me know.
(26:47):
You can send me a text, checkthe show notes to figure out how
to do that.
And I'll catch you on the nextone.
Bye.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana.
This is a special episode.
It's story time.
So yesterday I posted a photo onmy Instagram story, and it got a
(00:52):
compelling and overwhelmingresponse from my network, from
my community, that people wantedto know more about the photo.
So let me paint the picture foryou.
This photo was taken when I wasin high school.
So we're talking mid-90s.
I graduated from high school inspring of 1996.
(01:15):
So I'm thinking this photo wastaken probably uh either in the
winter and like towards the endof the year of 1995 or you know,
early 1996.
This photo was of my brother andme.
We're standing on a snowy hillor snowy mountain.
(01:39):
There's a swing set behind us.
Further back, you can see atrailer, and then beyond that
you see a very high stone wall.
This photo was taken within thewalls of a New York State
maximum security prison.
(02:01):
And the question that I hadasked my community was do you
want to hear more about this?
To which everyone who voted inthe poll said yes, they do.
So what the fuck was my brother,Emmy, doing inside of a prison
in what looks like a residentialspace?
(02:23):
Allow me to explain.
I don't know, by the way, ifthey still have this program or
not, but back in the day, at themaximum security prisons, there
were trailer visits.
And so we would go to the jail,we would buy groceries, we could
(02:44):
cook food, bring, you know,pre-made food that could be
reheated, or you could justbring groceries and run through
security.
You also pack for two nights,and everything you bring is
heavily searched.
All the bags are emptied andthen repacked.
You go through the metaldetectors.
(03:04):
There's a long list of thingsthat are considered contraband,
which you're not allowed tobring inside.
And once we get throughprocessing, we are allowed to
basically live in a smalltrailer with the person who is
imprisoned.
And it's basically the remainderof that day that you arrive,
(03:26):
spend the night, you have thewhole next day, spend the night
again, and then you leave earlyin the morning on day three.
So it's really about two dayswhen you add up the hours, but
it feels like it's three justbecause of when you are entered
(03:47):
into the space and then when youexit and go through processing
again.
And I'm sure you're askingyourself, what the fuck were we
doing sleeping overnight in whatappeared to be a trailer or like
a family corner of a maximumsecurity prison?
Wouldn't that be dangerous?
Well, yeah, I think yes, itcould be dangerous.
(04:08):
But what I want you to realizeis that within these very high
walls, there was a section ofthe prison that was closed off
from everything else.
And so we were basically in acorner of this contained space.
(04:28):
And within this corner, therewere six trailers, and it really
was three trailers split inhalf.
So when I say trailer, I'mtalking about like something
that you would uh hitch on tothe back of your truck or like a
trailer park home, somethinglike that, like a trailer home.
So there was running water,there's a bathroom, if I
(04:50):
remember correctly, there weretwo bedrooms, and then also the
sofa in the open common spacepulled out into a couch as well.
So it was designed to allow forfamilies to visit and spend time
together.
And what's super interesting isthat I don't remember how many
(05:11):
times we did a trailer visit.
I know it wasn't a ton becauseit was something that, you know,
there were certain privilegesthat needed to be earned in
order to make that happen.
And then there was anapplication process, and then
I'm sure behavior was examined,and all of this is what I'm
talking about that my fatherwould have had to do on his end.
(05:31):
And then on our end, it's also ahuge time commitment because I'm
missing part of a day of school,and there's travel to get to the
prison.
And then here's the other partof it that's really important to
remember we were minors, sothere had to be someone who had
(05:55):
authorization to act as ourguardian for the weekend.
For example, in the event of amedical emergency, somebody who
had a reliable vehicle, somebodywho also had a clean record.
And you basically give up yourrights.
You have nothing when you gointo a prison.
(06:16):
So everyone would getfingerprinted, we would have to
show ID, everything would haveto check out, they would look at
your birth certificate, socialsecurity card.
Um, if you were an adult,whatever your ID was, maybe a
driver's license or a passport.
And they kept records ofeveryone's information.
(06:36):
And so you're giving up yourrights to go into the prison,
and now you are under the ruleof the prison.
And so within that corner of theprison yard, which was not the
yard where the guys had theirgym time and free time, it was
just a different space.
(06:57):
There was also a tower, awatchtower, obviously.
And every few hours throughoutthe day, each prisoner would
have to go step outside to beaccounted for.
They call that the count.
And if anyone was missinganywhere within the prison,
whether they were like if theyweren't at work, they weren't in
(07:20):
their cell, they weren't on thegrounds, if they could not be
accounted for, everything gotshut down, nobody could go
anywhere, move, or do anything.
We would have to stay inside ofthe trailer.
The prisoners would stayoutside, whether it was freezing
cold or not, until every singlebody was accounted for, and then
they could go back inside.
(07:42):
And so I'm sure you're wonderingwhy the fuck would we want to do
this?
Well, it's ironic that myneighbor's vacuuming now while
I'm trying to tell this story.
Go figure.
Sorry for the background noiseif you hear it, but I'm going to
continue.
So we lived with my father upuntil he went to prison.
(08:04):
From early childhood until I was12, my dad was my primary
caregiver.
My parents split up when I wasaround four, and we left with my
dad.
Obviously, not by our choosing.
We didn't know what was goingon.
And I say we, I'm talking aboutmy brother and me.
And so when I turned about nineyears old, my parents went
(08:27):
through the lengthy ordeal ofgetting a divorce, fighting for
custody.
And believe it or not, even inthe 80s, with the help of very
powerful attorneys and somemanipulation, the judge awarded
my father full custody and mymom visitation rights every
other weekend.
Insane.
That would never happennowadays, but it happened in the
(08:49):
80s in Westchester County, NewYork, which is right outside of
New York City.
So once my father went toprison, we had to switch
households.
We packed up our stuff, wemoved, we changed schools.
There was a lot of emotionaldamage done.
(09:11):
And then there was also theshame.
We weren't allowed to talk aboutwhat was going on.
We had to keep it a secret.
And I couldn't really show myemotions at home because there
was this very blurry, messyenvironment we were in where by
(09:32):
me expressing sadness aboutmissing my dad, it somehow would
be turned into a slight againstmy mother.
And there was a lot ofresentment and anger and
fighting.
And the first I would say twoyears or so, it was brutal
because I didn't know how tonavigate this space.
(09:56):
I quickly learned what ticked mymother off, what not to say,
what not to do, how to staybelow the radar, just survive so
that I could get out of thereonce I got into college.
It was a very hard way to live.
And it was really challengingbecause I really needed parental
(10:19):
guidance.
And my mom was very much afriend most of the time, but
then would discipline me fromtime to time.
And it was just so confusing forme.
And I have to say, my dad made alot of mistakes too.
Before he went to prison, therewere times where my parents were
fighting about, you know,something that maybe my mom did
(10:41):
when she had us for the weekend.
For example, maybe she had a guyfriend pick us up in his car and
drive us somewhere, or pick usup and give us a ride back to
where my father lived becauseshe didn't want to drop us off
late.
And maybe the train or the buswas running late for whatever
reason.
And so, in thinking she's doingsomething good, we'd then get
(11:01):
upstairs and dad would say,like, oh, you know, who dropped
who just dropped you off?
I was watching from the window.
And we knew we were going to getin trouble for something that an
adult decided that we had nocontrol over.
And so it was this crazy sort ofthing because as a child, as a
young kid, I had no way to likejust be safe.
(11:25):
I was always being scolded,reprimanded, or disciplined nine
times out of ten for things thatI had did not do or had control
over, but I took part in.
And so I was the one that wasresponsible.
I was the one that took theblame.
And I really wish that I wasexaggerating and sharing this,
but it's actually true.
(11:46):
So going back to the weekendvisits, we would do anything to
get that feeling back of beingrelaxed, watching movies,
playing board games, eatingfood, spending time with dad.
That is all that me and mybrother wanted.
(12:08):
And so, yeah, we would beg, wewould save our allowance, and we
would do whatever we could totry to make regular visits, but
then most especially the trailervisits.
And I remember the first trailervisit got totally fucked up
because my aunt and uncle,they're not married, they're
(12:30):
brother and sister.
My aunt and uncle volunteered tobring us up for the weekend for
the trailer visit.
So they are the siblings of mydad, my dad's younger brother
and younger sister.
And something happened, and myuncle was trying to smuggle
something in that wascontraband, and they caught him
and he got arrested, and thewhole trailer visit was put on
(12:53):
kib.
I had cooked, I made a big ZD,my parents gave me money.
When I say my parents, I mean mymom and my stepdad gave me money
to go grocery shopping.
I put in the time.
I'm in fucking high school.
Okay.
I'm also in a bunch of APclasses trying to get the best
grades possible so that I couldget a scholarship and go to a
(13:16):
great college and get out.
I also was uh part of the SpringMusical and vice president of
the National Honor Society.
So there was a lot of pressureon me.
And then I had taken time awayfrom all of that, which should
have been my priorities at thetime, but it took my attention
away from that so that I couldhandle this visit for my father
(13:39):
and for us, and it got ruined.
And it took me a lot to get overthat because I had put so much
effort and time and money,especially as a kid, you know,
$50 when you're 16 and you don'thave a job and you're you're
(14:00):
getting uh, you know, anallowance of maybe five to seven
dollars a week to to do somechores and you're saving it, you
know, losing money on groceriesis a big fucking deal.
It's heartbreaking.
And it's crazy to me because Ithink about like who were the
first people that broke myheart, and it's my family, it's
(14:22):
always my family.
So this gives you context intowho I am, right?
Because people have told me,you've got an edge.
There's a little bit of gangstagoing on there.
There's like a little bit ofthug in you, and it's absolutely
(14:43):
true.
Because as a kid in my own homewith my own family, I had to
learn how to protect myself, Ihad to learn how to stick up for
myself, I had to learn how todefend myself.
One of my cousins hit on me, andI'll never forget it, and it
(15:03):
disgusts me even just thinkingabout it, because we were close
when we were little, and then acomment was made, and I just
lost it because it wascompletely out of context, and
it made me look back and thinkabout all the times that we had
(15:23):
spent together when we werelittle, and I didn't realize
that I was actually beinghunted, or that it was predatory
by you know, the the scenario,and it it just gave me the ick
and it made me realize like, ohmy god, I'm supposed to be able
(15:43):
to trust these people, I'msupposed to be able to trust
this person, and I can't, and Iwon't, and I've removed myself
from that.
But going back to that trailervisit in the picture, you can
see my eyes are sunken in, Ihave dark circles, I look
(16:05):
exhausted, and I'm smilingbecause I'm happy, but I'm also
scared because I remember atthat particular trailer visit,
it really started to hit me thatI was inside of a prison.
I was a young girl in highschool choosing to go in to a
(16:29):
prison for my dad for a feelingof some kind of semblance of
normalcy or cohesion as afamily, and it was a fucking
lie.
I don't regret doing thosethings, you know.
My mother always tells me, evento this day, that I love hard
(16:51):
and that anybody who's evengetting a fraction of what I'm
capable of giving is lucky.
She was hard on me, she wasalways hard on me, but but she
always gave me that compliment.
She used to say it all the time,Manty, you love so hard, you
love so hard that it hurts me tosee how much you love people.
(17:15):
And it's true.
So I used to volunteer my time,make efforts to go see someone
in prison, to put myself inprison.
Those are some real uniqueexperiences, and I had kind of
(17:36):
forgot about it, tucked it away,didn't give it too much thought.
You know, once I moved on withmy life, once I got to college,
the visitations really startedto dwindle.
I didn't have a vehicle of myown where I went to school.
It was a little over athree-hour drive from where I
(17:59):
grew up, where I called home.
So it was challenging to be faraway from home and also far away
and disconnected from my dad.
He could not call me at schoolon the campus, and he would
write to me and I'd write himback.
(18:20):
But it was really, reallychallenging.
And so I remember the times Icould go see him would be maybe
during my winter break andduring my summers.
And I will never forget this onetime that he reprimanded me
because I had not gone to seehim in months.
(18:46):
And I remember looking at him.
I was probably, I don't know, 19years old, maybe 20.
Because at this point, as soonas I turned 18, I started going
to visit him by myself.
I didn't want to put the burdenon anyone else.
I didn't want to deal with thestress and the drama and the
bullshit.
(19:06):
I just took that responsibilityon fully uh as my my own thing.
And so I was, you know, takingthe bus up to see him.
And then eventually I did get acar.
I got a car right before Iturned 20 years old, right
before, I'm sorry, I was 20.
I got a car right before mysenior year of college, right
(19:31):
before I turned 21.
And so I remember being in thevisiting room and he's
reprimanding me because I hadnot been there in such a long
time to visit him.
And I I remember looking at him,I said, Are you crazy?
I just got this car.
I just got my own car and I'mhere visiting you.
(19:54):
Maybe you could take some ofthat energy and look at yourself
and ask yourself, why are youstill in prison after all this
time?
Instead of scolding me because Ihaven't done enough for you.
Maybe you could ask yourself,what are you doing for me?
And that man shut right up.
(20:16):
He wasn't there for my eighthgrade graduation.
He wasn't there for my highschool graduation, he wasn't
there for my college graduation.
He didn't buy me my first carlike he had always promised me
he was going to.
And he wasn't there for me for alot of really important
(20:37):
milestones.
So it was very challenging forme to maintain respect for this
man after all of that.
And years later, when he was onparole, and I learned the truth
about what had reallytranspired, to which I still
(20:58):
don't know all the details, andnor do I care, because it's
irrelevant at this point.
We don't have a greatrelationship.
Actually, we don't have arelationship at all.
And to me, that is an absoluteshame because your children are
blessings and they didn't ask tobe brought into this world.
So the least you could do istake care of them, right?
(21:18):
Until they're ready to go offinto the real world and do their
own thing.
And so for me, when I thinkabout my dad, I'm like, what a
piece of shit.
You basically had me so that Icould take care of you, and
that's not gonna happen.
But when I learned the truth,the few details, the lies, I
(21:40):
realized that all of that time,all of that effort, all of that
stress, and all of those tearswere for a make-believe story,
or for a narrative, or for adream, or for something that was
not and will never be.
And that is one of the biggestheartbreaks I've ever had to
(22:02):
cope with in my entire life.
47 years old, and I look backand I've had a few really tough
things to overcome.
But learning the truth about myfather is probably one of the
hardest things I've ever had toface.
And realizing that my wholeearly childhood, when I was
(22:24):
being taught how to protectmyself and how to defend myself,
I was being taught by somebodywho maybe didn't really have my
best interest at heart, or maybehe wasn't fully capable of it
the way I needed it to be.
(22:46):
I think that's a fair way toframe it, to say it.
People can only love you to thedepths of which they love
themselves.
So if you are somebody like mewho loves hard, who would cut
your fucking heart out of yourchest for somebody that you
loved so deeply, if the otherperson cannot relate to you at
(23:09):
all, you're always gonna end upbeing heartbroken.
You're always going to bedissatisfied and you're always
gonna be a mess because theycannot understand that kind of
depth and capacity.
And by the way, feeling on sucha deep level sometimes is not
necessarily the best thing or isthe healthy way to live.
(23:34):
Because you got to ask yourself,like, why am I why am I
spiraling out of control?
Why am I feeling so lost rightnow?
Why am I in so much pain?
Am I really in that much pain,or is this self-inflicted?
Because it's just about beingdisappointed and being on a
different page.
When you learn to accept peoplefor who they are, flaws and all,
(23:56):
it doesn't hurt as much becauseyou have an understanding of the
person before you, and you'renot in love with the daydream or
the fantasy or the facade.
They say a picture tells athousand words, and that one
photograph that I had never seenbefore, that my brother sent to
(24:20):
me not too long ago, it moved mein such a way, and I didn't
share it right away.
I had to sit with it, I neededto feel ready to talk about it.
And I also wanted to just putsome feelers out there and make
sure that this is somethingpeople actually want to hear
(24:41):
about.
Because the interesting thing isthat it gave me that edge, gave
me those street smarts.
I see the world a little bitdifferently because of my time
that I spent in and out ofprison visiting rooms, but also
(25:01):
like who I had to become inorder to make those visits
happen.
Being the ringleader, gettingthe information, finding the bus
schedules, learning the rules,what's the state law, what kind
of ID do you need?
Now remember, this is in the90s.
There was no fucking internet,there was no Google, everything
(25:22):
was by going to the library, bymaking phone calls and getting
lost on these state roads withno street names, no signage,
just like turn right after thebig oak tree and then turn left
at the cobblestone house.
And that's literally what it waslike.
(25:42):
I wish I was exaggerating, butI'm not.
Everything that happens leavesan imprint, leaves a mark,
leaves something behind thatthat's left with you forever.
And while all of these thingshave added the edge, they also
(26:05):
have made me appreciate mysoftness even more.
They've also helped me to becomemore vulnerable, to embrace a
little bit of a softer way ofviewing the world, of existing,
of being.
And you know, not everythingneeds to be so hard all the
(26:25):
time.
And not everyone is out to getyou either.
But that's just my two cents.
And I'm gonna leave this righthere.
I appreciate you, your time,your attention, your tuning in
week after week.
You being here means more to methan you will ever know.
And if you enjoyed this episode,please let me know.
(26:47):
You can send me a text, checkthe show notes to figure out how
to do that.
And I'll catch you on the nextone.
Bye.
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