November 24, 2025 • 32 mins
A single song can crack open a lifetime. When a classic New York club sound resurfaced, it sent me back to the girl I used to be—and forward to the woman I’m becoming. That rush of memory set the stage for a frank, compassionate look at real growth: the kind that shows up in your boundaries, your breath, and the way you treat people.
I share three grounding questions that helped my mindset as I integrate old self with the new. We talk about the dark side of “doing the work,” where therapy-speak and morning routines turn into checkboxes and status symbols, and how to bring healing down to earth through everyday choices.
From leaving a toxic relationship to rebuilding a nervous system that trusts peace, this episode connects personal stories with practical tools you can use today.
If you’ve ever felt like you had to abandon your past to become your future, this conversation offers another path: integration. We explore boundaries that are firm but humane, the identity shift that happens when suffering is no longer your baseline, and the quiet courage of acclimating to a life that finally fits.
Want to tell me more about you? Send me a text. Your story matters here.
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Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, Tiana.
This is episode 52, and we'regoing to talk about growth,
which is one of my absolutefavorite things to discuss.
(00:50):
By the end of this episode, youwill have three questions that
you can reflect upon, that youcan journal on, and that you can
really sort of sit with, ponder,reflect, discuss, and feel just
a little bit better about thegrowth journey that you are on.
(01:13):
And what I'd like for thisepisode to do for you is give
you these questions that you canuse at any point in time to
really think about how you aredeveloping and going from the
person you once were to theperson that you are becoming.
And I'd like these questions tobe tools for you to use when you
(01:38):
find yourself struggling, whenyou feel like you have
regressed, when you feel likeyou maybe have failed a test,
and perhaps you did not respondin the way that future you would
respond, or that you know thegrowth version of you would
respond.
And I want you to show yourselfgrace.
(01:59):
Now, this is going to sound alittle unusual, but if you know
me or you've been followingalong on the show for a while,
you know that I am a born andraised New Yorker and I am a New
York City club kid.
Yes, I'm 47 years old.
Yes, I was a New York City clubkid for a long time, and quite
frankly, that is a piece of methat has never really gone away.
(02:24):
And a song came out this weekendby a very famous producer, and
it is so reminiscent of themusic that he used to make 25
plus years ago.
And so he's kind of bringing itback to the roots.
And I've listened to the trackseveral times.
(02:44):
I've posted a little bit uh onsocial media in my stories just
about the nostalgia that keepsbubbling up.
And I threw an old video up fromuh a club that I used to go to
for many years, and it was oneof my favorites on 46th Street,
Sound Factory.
And I also posted somethingabout a little bit later on, I
(03:10):
would say maybe not 25 yearsago, but more like 18 years ago,
and you know, where I had gottento at that point in time.
And it's just a slight asnapshot, just a glimpse of a
moment in time.
And I shared some things aboutwhat I had experienced and where
I was at the time that the photowas taken.
(03:31):
And throughout my day, I've hada roller coaster ride of
emotions.
I've been brought to tearsseveral times.
And I will say that the song isnot a sad song.
In fact, it's a happy song, ifanything.
But the emotions that I've beenfeeling and this wave I've been
(03:52):
riding has a lot to do with thejourney that I've been on, with
the progress that I've made, andwith just looking back and
saying, God damn, like look atwhat I was able to do, look at
what I made it through, look atwhat I overcame, look at what I
survived.
And truly, that is what I wouldlove to have happen for you.
(04:18):
Because that is the whole pointof this show, is for you to get
through the stuff, thestickiness, the mud, the parts
that are maybe not so pretty,the things we don't always
share, the things we don't postabout, the stuff that you're not
gonna curate or frame or or puton a stage.
(04:43):
I'm talking about the real shit.
And we all have our own journeysto travel through and things
that we have to experience,choices that our parents made
for us until we were able tothen make our own choices and
execute, and really justthinking about how you can
(05:10):
become this new version ofyourself without abandoning the
old self.
Now, if you're anything like me,perhaps there's been times where
maybe you felt a little bit ofshame about who you once were.
Maybe you were embarrassed aboutyour roots or aspects of your
(05:32):
family dynamic, things that youjust feel funny about, that are
a pain point for you personally.
And I'm here to tell you, we allhave stuff like that.
For some of us, it's things thatwe'll never be able to fully
recover from or get over or workthrough.
(05:55):
And for others, you know, maybewe have resources available to
us, and these challenges arethings that are certainly a part
of a landscape that can benavigated to each their own.
And there's no right or wronganswer, there's no right or
wrong strategy or way to do it.
(06:16):
And these questions that I'mgoing to empower you with are
meant to catalyze a positivechange.
It may not feel positive in themoment.
It may actually stir up someemotions for you that you might
not necessarily want to feel atthe moment.
(06:37):
But I'm encouraging you to feelbecause the thing is everything
the good, the bad, the ugly, thethings we're ashamed of, the
things we're proud of, all of itmakes us who we are.
And each of us, while we mayshare common things and
struggles and have things thatwe can come together on, that we
(07:01):
can suffer together through,each of us is unique and each of
us has our own story to tell, toshare, and to continue to
experience.
See, that's the beautiful thingabout life.
Every day, when you wake up,it's another opportunity.
And it's an opportunity toeither keep repeating cycles or
to make change.
(07:22):
Now, here's the crazy thingabout change that I'm sure is no
secret to you.
Change can be difficult.
Maybe not to make superficialchanges, but to really swallow
and integrate and embody andbecome a new version of
(07:46):
ourselves.
Sometimes that can be really,really tough.
So I've noticed something and Ithought it was just an
observation that I was making,but it turns out it's more
common than I thought.
Have you ever met someone andthey'll jump initially and say
(08:11):
something like, oh, you know,yeah, I don't do drama, I'm
drama-free, I don't like drama,I don't talk about people behind
their back.
It's like they make thesedeclarations.
And the thing about adeclaration to me is that if you
have to announce something,again, this is just my
(08:34):
perception.
If you have to announcesomething and point out how you
don't have a problem with it,immediately I'm going to assume
that you do.
I'm going to assume you do havea problem, and that is why you
are screaming at the top of themountain, I don't have a problem
with this, but really you do.
(08:58):
And when it comes to people whodo work on themselves, there is
a dark side to healing.
There is a subculture of peoplewho like to use big words and
(09:19):
vocabulary.
They may do some healing work,they may go to therapy, they may
get a life coach, they may finda really cool journal on TikTok
and they buy it.
They may learn about a thoughtleader or someone in the
(09:41):
spiritual guru world.
And then they become sort of aparrot of those things.
And so on a superficial level,they are doing the work.
They're going to the meetings,they're watching the YouTube
videos, they're listening to theguided meditations, they're
(10:03):
doing the journal prompts everymorning.
Maybe they wake up at 5 a.m.
and go out and drink lemon waterin the sun.
I don't know.
You guys probably have heardabout all these crazy morning
routines that people do, which Ithink is all bullshit.
Listen, if you have a morningroutine and it works for you,
great.
If you are paying attention tosomeone and they tell you that
(10:27):
you should do this and youshouldn't do that, and they give
you a 50-step morning routinethat doesn't work for your
lifestyle, I'm gonna caution youand say you probably shouldn't
do that.
But I digress.
So there's folks that do a lotof the box checking, okay?
(10:48):
And then they want to telleveryone about it.
I'm so spiritual, I'm I'mhealing, I'm going to therapy.
And it's almost as if they actand think that they are better
than everyone else.
It's um an it's a veryinteresting thing that I see.
(11:10):
If you do work and you want toheal yourself, I absolutely
applaud you and I commend you.
And it is a huge step.
And please know no matter howmuch effort you put into that,
no matter how much work you putinto making yourself a better
(11:32):
person, it really won't matterif you are still treating people
like shit, getting road rage,not holding the door for the old
lady at the store, or or thingslike that.
Like if you're just doing it tocheck a box, doing it to make
(11:53):
someone happy, doing it for thesake of doing it, but not really
processing, not absorbing, notimplementing, not embodying the
work that you're doing andmaking some actual change in
your behaviors, in the way youthink about things, in your
(12:16):
relationships, your career,maybe things with your kids,
your life, your friends,whatever, your coworkers.
If you're not actually doing thehard stuff in your real life,
then you still got a lot of workto do.
And that ego, that looking downyour nose because, oh, you go to
(12:40):
therapy, good for you.
Good for you.
And guess what?
I have news for you.
The work is never done.
And that is one of the hardestlessons that people who go to
therapy come to find out, myselfincluded.
I remember in 2014, I approacheda therapist who was a gym member
(13:03):
at a gym I used to work at, andI knew that she did one-on-one
counseling.
And I approached her in thelocker room one day because I
had asked her what she does forwork, and she told me, and I
said, you know, I'd love to talkto you because I haven't been in
therapy for about three years,and I really feel like I was
(13:27):
just scratching the surface andI have so much more work to do.
And she just looked at me andsmiled and nodded her head and
said, Tiana, there's always morework to do.
That's that's that's the thing.
And the fact that you're awareof it is a really great step.
But I don't know if younecessarily meet need me right
(13:50):
now.
But if you'd like to meet,please let me know.
And I have to say, just thatacknowledgement of that peace of
like, okay, there isn'tsomething wrong with me.
There is more work to do.
There's always going to be morework to do.
That gave me so much peace andcomfort.
(14:12):
It was great.
Now I will say for mepersonally, I am not seeing
someone actively at the moment.
I do have a mentor and we have agroup coaching program, and it
is fantastic for my mentalhealth.
It's not traditional therapy byany means, uh, but it serves as
(14:34):
therapy for me.
And the cool part is I'mactually working with the same
mentor in three differentcontainers.
So, in the one, it's really allabout your heart and your and
your mind.
The other container is strategyuh to work on an online offer.
And then the third is how to bevisible online and do it in a
(14:56):
way that feels authentic to me.
And I'm learning so much in allthree of these programs that I'm
enrolled in.
It's a lot to do simultaneouslyalong with the podcast, along
with my full-time job, as wellas maintaining my relationships
and be with my friends andfamily on special occasions and
not lose my shit because I haveso much to do.
(15:18):
But the thing is that we're allbusy.
So let's get to the threequestions because you know I can
talk all day long, and that'snot my goal here for you.
I want these episodes to beuseful and digestible and
helpful tools for you.
So thinking back on becoming anew version of yourself and
(15:41):
realizing that you know what,maybe you don't have to continue
to suffer anymore.
I want you to ask yourself thesequestions.
Question number one Can you giveyourself permission to adjust?
Can you give yourself permissionto adjust, to receive, to be in
(16:04):
a new place?
And what I mean by that isoftentimes we work so hard to
get somewhere.
And then let's say we want to,you know, get out of a crappy
apartment and move into a newplace, but we have to save
money, or we have to pick up aside hustle or two, we have to
(16:25):
save our funds, we finally getthere, we're in a better
neighborhood, or we're in thatmore peaceful space.
And it feels awkward anduncomfortable and maybe a little
scary.
Maybe you start asking yourself,you know, do I deserve this?
Is it safe here?
(16:45):
And and then you start to thinkabout, you know, the old
neighborhood or the old place orthe old situation, and really
start to doubt yourself,criticize yourself, pick
yourself apart, maybe haveimposter syndrome.
Like, who do you think you are?
And that is the inner work thatwe need to do.
(17:07):
Because you don't have to doanything additional or anything
special to deserve the thingsthat you want in your life.
And most especially if youworked hard to get somewhere,
and once you get there, youstart doubting yourself or
doubting your abilities ordoubting that you deserve it.
That's when you need to slowdown.
What's happening is that youneed to readjust and acclimate.
(17:32):
It's like giving yourself alittle bit of breathing room to
adjust to the new space, to thenew climate, to the new air in
the room.
Okay.
Second question Will you showyourself grace as you become
(17:52):
this new version of yourself?
So this was one that I reallyhad to struggle, or I really had
to think about because Istruggled with it.
Because I was in an abusiverelationship in the early 2000s,
(18:12):
around the similar time as towhen this uh music that I was
reflecting on earlier was outand I was going clubbing a lot.
I did meet someone at the SoundFactory, and we wound up getting
into a pretty intenserelationship pretty quickly.
And um, I've I've talked aboutit on previous episodes.
(18:33):
The guy was six years older thanme.
He was um a complete narcissist.
Love bombed me right from thebeginning, swept me off my feet.
I thought it was the mostfucking romantic thing in the
whole world.
It wasn't romance, it wasmanipulation.
And so when I finally got out ofthat really toxic situation, I
(18:56):
was strapped financially.
I had to work three jobs, and Ibasically did not sleep and uh
got my own place, didn't haveany furniture, was surviving off
the dollar menu at McDonald's,and I couldn't let people know
that because I was like a healthperson.
And I remember also that, youknow, my mom helped me.
(19:20):
She she knew I was struggling uhfinancially, and she worked at a
gym and she was like, you know,I think I can get a friends and
family discount for you.
And I remember at the time itwas like$55 a month, and she
said, I'll pay for it until youget back on your feet.
And that was so huge for mebecause uh, you know, I kind of
(19:43):
just left for college and didn'treally ask my mom for anything
after that.
And so for her to offer to helpme with my membership so that I
could have some mental sanitywas huge.
Now, when I moved into the newapartment and I was spending
time there, I sitting on thefloor, and then eventually I got
(20:06):
a beanbag chair and uh got thecable hooked up.
I was watching movies, using thelaptop, you know, obviously
enjoying my rent and my utilitybills, not really going anywhere
because I was either working orI was at home.
Um, I remember feeling scared,like, oh my God, I'm I'm in this
(20:30):
apartment and you know, I'm bymyself.
And, you know, do I deserve tobe here?
Who do I think I am?
Maybe I belong back with thatguy.
He used to tell me horriblethings, especially towards the
end of the relationship, becausehe knew that I was a lot smarter
than him.
I made more money than him, buthe was so good at manipulating
(20:54):
me, belittling me, brainwashingme, making me feel like a
complete piece of shit.
But those those were allprojections, you know, that was
those were reflections ofhimself.
And it took me quite a long timeto realize that he wasn't gonna
come and try to get me.
And I was in a safe place and Icould actually breathe and fall
(21:18):
asleep at night.
And I had to be patient withmyself as I was continuously
triggered or reactive or scaredand then feeling frustrated
because I was reacting.
So, you know, it's interestingwhen you are a self-aware
person, you really have to slowdown the judgment, the
(21:41):
self-judgment, and let yourselflive and be present in the
moment.
Um, I used to think it was asuperpower that I could observe
my behavior as I'm behaving.
And I actually think that that'svery detrimental because it
impedes living in the moment.
And it's almost as if if you'reif you're judging yourself as
(22:07):
you're moving through lifeconsistently and constantly, are
you actually living or are youplaying a role?
Just something to think about.
So as I was judging myself forreacting or having knee-jerk
responses to things and thenfeeling shame about it, I needed
(22:30):
to be more graceful.
Now, here's the third questionwhen your old self revisits, how
will you respond?
And I think this is a reallygood question because
Thanksgiving's coming, theholidays are coming, and new
year, and we're gonna be put inrooms with a lot of people that
(22:54):
may have the uncanny ability tovery easily trigger ush, us,
provoke us, and make us lose ourshit quickly.
You know, the the relatives whomaybe force you into an awkward
hug longer than you want to be,or that are food pushers, or
(23:18):
that make inappropriatecomments, or that are way too
comfortable with you and yourpartner, and you don't like it.
You know, there's all sorts ofsituations.
And even if the family dynamicis a little less toxic, there's
still a lot of room for chaosand discomfort.
(23:40):
And so it will bring up,especially if it's your family,
it will bring up triggers andthings from your past, maybe
from your childhood or fromyears long gone that you wanted
to forget about.
And so when those times show up,will how will you respond?
(24:02):
I know for me and for mybrothers, we've had to do a lot
of work on establishingboundaries and doing it in a
respectful way.
In fact, I had a conversationwith my mom today about
boundaries, and she she hadcalled and asked me a question,
(24:22):
and I said, Well, this person isestablishing a boundary with
you.
So once they do that, there's nobut.
You know, like you can't keeppressing the issue.
They gave you a response, theyestablished a boundary.
It wasn't disrespectful or rudeor hurtful, but it was a
boundary nonetheless.
(24:43):
And if you consistently push,well, then they're gonna get
mad, and then you're gonna getthe yelling and the screaming
and the anger and maybe getcursed out or have the phone
hung up on you.
So you need to respect theboundary when they show it the
first time.
When I tell you that that wasvery hard for me to do because
(25:05):
we didn't have a lot ofboundaries growing up, and I
gotta tell you, my mom didn'thave any when she was growing up
in her household either.
So it's not impossible to teachyour older relatives or your
parents something, but they haveto be open to it.
And it was very telling becauseclearly the situation was
(25:28):
confusing to my mom, and sheheard me out and she actually
thanked me in the end of theconversation, which is great.
So let's go back and reviewthese questions because I want
you to be nice to yourself,because growing is hard, it's
uncomfortable, it's icky, it'ssticky, it's it's like a cha-cha
(25:50):
dance.
You're gonna do two stepsforward and one step back, one
step to the side, turn around,kick, and then start again.
And I totally just pretended tobe dancing while I'm talking
into the microphone.
I wish you could have seen that.
So, number one, can you giveyourself permission to adjust or
to receive or to just be in thisnew space?
(26:13):
Number two, will you showyourself grace as you become the
new version of yourself?
And number three, when your oldself revisits, how will you
respond?
Now I want to touch on one morething before we wrap it up.
(26:34):
There is something reallyimportant.
As you're becoming a new versionof yourself, I want you to
realize that you are notabandoning your old self.
And here is the connection tothe song that I mentioned in the
beginning of this episode, thesong that stirred up a lot of
(26:55):
emotions for me.
And I actually cried on the yogamat today in class because it we
talked about surrendering.
And for a long time I did notknow how to be myself.
(27:25):
And then this newer version ofme who is more open-minded,
softer, patient, uh a littleless judgmental, nicer to
people, less attached tooutcomes, far less uh super
superficial.
(27:46):
Uh, I used to be very much intolike my appearance.
I'm still, I'm not gonna say I'mnot, it's just not as important
as it used to be.
My looks were everything back inthe day, and that's because I
didn't like myself.
And so I used to feel like I hadto look perfect all the time and
have the best body and have goodhair and have great skin and you
(28:08):
know, and everything needed tobe just so.
Otherwise, the world was comingcrashing down on me.
And so, in this interestingperiod of time over the last, I
would say, I'm gonna say aboutfive years, I've realized that I
(28:30):
don't need to abandon the oldversion of me.
I need to appreciate her.
And it's not that I'm lettingeverything go, but I am gonna be
letting go of some of the thingsthat she had to do in order to
(28:50):
get me to this place, and I'mgrateful for it.
But I also don't need to keepcarrying all of that weight with
me anymore because I've madepeace with a lot of it, and so
here is where the tears camefrom today, because there's a
lot of grief around surrenderingand becoming this new version.
(29:20):
My mentor recently postedsomething and it really struck
me because she said that she hadmoved into her dream house after
getting her business to a uhreally special place, and for
the first couple of months, shewas basically like really upset
(29:42):
and overwhelmed, and shecouldn't figure out what the
problem was, and it wasrealizing she didn't have to
suffer anymore.
And while that is good news, shehad to ask herself the question
who are you if you don't have tosuffer anymore?
And that really landed with me.
(30:04):
Because that girl who used to goclubbing all of the time in the
late 90s, in the early 2000s,and well into the 2010s.
And yes, even during that timeperiod, I went through several
transformations, but there wasstill a lot of suffering that
was going on, a lot of hardwork, a lot of strife, a lot of
(30:27):
heartache, a lot of pain.
And there's been a lot ofhealing work that has had to
take place.
So now that I feel more peaceand I'm not necessarily
suffering like I once was, don'tget me wrong, there's still a
lot of work to do here.
(30:47):
But now that I'm not sufferinglike I once was, I had to
rediscover who I am.
Because I don't have to sufferlike that anymore.
And if I continue on the paththat I'm on, I never will.
So as you're doing this work andas you are learning about the
(31:11):
version of yourself that you'rebecoming, remember to integrate
the old you and the new you.
And that is who you are rightnow.
So sometimes you're gonna feel alittle bit more of the old you,
and sometimes you're gonna feela little bit less, and all of
(31:32):
that is okay.
I hope this makes sense.
If you want to talk about thisany further, please send me a
text.
There's a way to do that if youcheck the show notes.
I just want to say thank youagain for tuning in, my loyal
listener.
It is because of you that I keepshowing up every week.
It is because of you that I havefound a really healthy and safe
(31:56):
place for me to share my storieswith you and to do it in a way
that is constructive and helpfulfor both of us.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
I'm grateful for your time andattention.
And as always, I'll catch you onthe next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, Tiana.
This is episode 52, and we'regoing to talk about growth,
which is one of my absolutefavorite things to discuss.
(00:50):
By the end of this episode, youwill have three questions that
you can reflect upon, that youcan journal on, and that you can
really sort of sit with, ponder,reflect, discuss, and feel just
a little bit better about thegrowth journey that you are on.
(01:13):
And what I'd like for thisepisode to do for you is give
you these questions that you canuse at any point in time to
really think about how you aredeveloping and going from the
person you once were to theperson that you are becoming.
And I'd like these questions tobe tools for you to use when you
(01:38):
find yourself struggling, whenyou feel like you have
regressed, when you feel likeyou maybe have failed a test,
and perhaps you did not respondin the way that future you would
respond, or that you know thegrowth version of you would
respond.
And I want you to show yourselfgrace.
(01:59):
Now, this is going to sound alittle unusual, but if you know
me or you've been followingalong on the show for a while,
you know that I am a born andraised New Yorker and I am a New
York City club kid.
Yes, I'm 47 years old.
Yes, I was a New York City clubkid for a long time, and quite
frankly, that is a piece of methat has never really gone away.
(02:24):
And a song came out this weekendby a very famous producer, and
it is so reminiscent of themusic that he used to make 25
plus years ago.
And so he's kind of bringing itback to the roots.
And I've listened to the trackseveral times.
(02:44):
I've posted a little bit uh onsocial media in my stories just
about the nostalgia that keepsbubbling up.
And I threw an old video up fromuh a club that I used to go to
for many years, and it was oneof my favorites on 46th Street,
Sound Factory.
And I also posted somethingabout a little bit later on, I
(03:10):
would say maybe not 25 yearsago, but more like 18 years ago,
and you know, where I had gottento at that point in time.
And it's just a slight asnapshot, just a glimpse of a
moment in time.
And I shared some things aboutwhat I had experienced and where
I was at the time that the photowas taken.
(03:31):
And throughout my day, I've hada roller coaster ride of
emotions.
I've been brought to tearsseveral times.
And I will say that the song isnot a sad song.
In fact, it's a happy song, ifanything.
But the emotions that I've beenfeeling and this wave I've been
(03:52):
riding has a lot to do with thejourney that I've been on, with
the progress that I've made, andwith just looking back and
saying, God damn, like look atwhat I was able to do, look at
what I made it through, look atwhat I overcame, look at what I
survived.
And truly, that is what I wouldlove to have happen for you.
(04:18):
Because that is the whole pointof this show, is for you to get
through the stuff, thestickiness, the mud, the parts
that are maybe not so pretty,the things we don't always
share, the things we don't postabout, the stuff that you're not
gonna curate or frame or or puton a stage.
(04:43):
I'm talking about the real shit.
And we all have our own journeysto travel through and things
that we have to experience,choices that our parents made
for us until we were able tothen make our own choices and
execute, and really justthinking about how you can
(05:10):
become this new version ofyourself without abandoning the
old self.
Now, if you're anything like me,perhaps there's been times where
maybe you felt a little bit ofshame about who you once were.
Maybe you were embarrassed aboutyour roots or aspects of your
(05:32):
family dynamic, things that youjust feel funny about, that are
a pain point for you personally.
And I'm here to tell you, we allhave stuff like that.
For some of us, it's things thatwe'll never be able to fully
recover from or get over or workthrough.
(05:55):
And for others, you know, maybewe have resources available to
us, and these challenges arethings that are certainly a part
of a landscape that can benavigated to each their own.
And there's no right or wronganswer, there's no right or
wrong strategy or way to do it.
(06:16):
And these questions that I'mgoing to empower you with are
meant to catalyze a positivechange.
It may not feel positive in themoment.
It may actually stir up someemotions for you that you might
not necessarily want to feel atthe moment.
(06:37):
But I'm encouraging you to feelbecause the thing is everything
the good, the bad, the ugly, thethings we're ashamed of, the
things we're proud of, all of itmakes us who we are.
And each of us, while we mayshare common things and
struggles and have things thatwe can come together on, that we
(07:01):
can suffer together through,each of us is unique and each of
us has our own story to tell, toshare, and to continue to
experience.
See, that's the beautiful thingabout life.
Every day, when you wake up,it's another opportunity.
And it's an opportunity toeither keep repeating cycles or
to make change.
(07:22):
Now, here's the crazy thingabout change that I'm sure is no
secret to you.
Change can be difficult.
Maybe not to make superficialchanges, but to really swallow
and integrate and embody andbecome a new version of
(07:46):
ourselves.
Sometimes that can be really,really tough.
So I've noticed something and Ithought it was just an
observation that I was making,but it turns out it's more
common than I thought.
Have you ever met someone andthey'll jump initially and say
(08:11):
something like, oh, you know,yeah, I don't do drama, I'm
drama-free, I don't like drama,I don't talk about people behind
their back.
It's like they make thesedeclarations.
And the thing about adeclaration to me is that if you
have to announce something,again, this is just my
(08:34):
perception.
If you have to announcesomething and point out how you
don't have a problem with it,immediately I'm going to assume
that you do.
I'm going to assume you do havea problem, and that is why you
are screaming at the top of themountain, I don't have a problem
with this, but really you do.
(08:58):
And when it comes to people whodo work on themselves, there is
a dark side to healing.
There is a subculture of peoplewho like to use big words and
(09:19):
vocabulary.
They may do some healing work,they may go to therapy, they may
get a life coach, they may finda really cool journal on TikTok
and they buy it.
They may learn about a thoughtleader or someone in the
(09:41):
spiritual guru world.
And then they become sort of aparrot of those things.
And so on a superficial level,they are doing the work.
They're going to the meetings,they're watching the YouTube
videos, they're listening to theguided meditations, they're
(10:03):
doing the journal prompts everymorning.
Maybe they wake up at 5 a.m.
and go out and drink lemon waterin the sun.
I don't know.
You guys probably have heardabout all these crazy morning
routines that people do, which Ithink is all bullshit.
Listen, if you have a morningroutine and it works for you,
great.
If you are paying attention tosomeone and they tell you that
(10:27):
you should do this and youshouldn't do that, and they give
you a 50-step morning routinethat doesn't work for your
lifestyle, I'm gonna caution youand say you probably shouldn't
do that.
But I digress.
So there's folks that do a lotof the box checking, okay?
(10:48):
And then they want to telleveryone about it.
I'm so spiritual, I'm I'mhealing, I'm going to therapy.
And it's almost as if they actand think that they are better
than everyone else.
It's um an it's a veryinteresting thing that I see.
(11:10):
If you do work and you want toheal yourself, I absolutely
applaud you and I commend you.
And it is a huge step.
And please know no matter howmuch effort you put into that,
no matter how much work you putinto making yourself a better
(11:32):
person, it really won't matterif you are still treating people
like shit, getting road rage,not holding the door for the old
lady at the store, or or thingslike that.
Like if you're just doing it tocheck a box, doing it to make
(11:53):
someone happy, doing it for thesake of doing it, but not really
processing, not absorbing, notimplementing, not embodying the
work that you're doing andmaking some actual change in
your behaviors, in the way youthink about things, in your
(12:16):
relationships, your career,maybe things with your kids,
your life, your friends,whatever, your coworkers.
If you're not actually doing thehard stuff in your real life,
then you still got a lot of workto do.
And that ego, that looking downyour nose because, oh, you go to
(12:40):
therapy, good for you.
Good for you.
And guess what?
I have news for you.
The work is never done.
And that is one of the hardestlessons that people who go to
therapy come to find out, myselfincluded.
I remember in 2014, I approacheda therapist who was a gym member
(13:03):
at a gym I used to work at, andI knew that she did one-on-one
counseling.
And I approached her in thelocker room one day because I
had asked her what she does forwork, and she told me, and I
said, you know, I'd love to talkto you because I haven't been in
therapy for about three years,and I really feel like I was
(13:27):
just scratching the surface andI have so much more work to do.
And she just looked at me andsmiled and nodded her head and
said, Tiana, there's always morework to do.
That's that's that's the thing.
And the fact that you're awareof it is a really great step.
But I don't know if younecessarily meet need me right
(13:50):
now.
But if you'd like to meet,please let me know.
And I have to say, just thatacknowledgement of that peace of
like, okay, there isn'tsomething wrong with me.
There is more work to do.
There's always going to be morework to do.
That gave me so much peace andcomfort.
(14:12):
It was great.
Now I will say for mepersonally, I am not seeing
someone actively at the moment.
I do have a mentor and we have agroup coaching program, and it
is fantastic for my mentalhealth.
It's not traditional therapy byany means, uh, but it serves as
(14:34):
therapy for me.
And the cool part is I'mactually working with the same
mentor in three differentcontainers.
So, in the one, it's really allabout your heart and your and
your mind.
The other container is strategyuh to work on an online offer.
And then the third is how to bevisible online and do it in a
(14:56):
way that feels authentic to me.
And I'm learning so much in allthree of these programs that I'm
enrolled in.
It's a lot to do simultaneouslyalong with the podcast, along
with my full-time job, as wellas maintaining my relationships
and be with my friends andfamily on special occasions and
not lose my shit because I haveso much to do.
(15:18):
But the thing is that we're allbusy.
So let's get to the threequestions because you know I can
talk all day long, and that'snot my goal here for you.
I want these episodes to beuseful and digestible and
helpful tools for you.
So thinking back on becoming anew version of yourself and
(15:41):
realizing that you know what,maybe you don't have to continue
to suffer anymore.
I want you to ask yourself thesequestions.
Question number one Can you giveyourself permission to adjust?
Can you give yourself permissionto adjust, to receive, to be in
(16:04):
a new place?
And what I mean by that isoftentimes we work so hard to
get somewhere.
And then let's say we want to,you know, get out of a crappy
apartment and move into a newplace, but we have to save
money, or we have to pick up aside hustle or two, we have to
(16:25):
save our funds, we finally getthere, we're in a better
neighborhood, or we're in thatmore peaceful space.
And it feels awkward anduncomfortable and maybe a little
scary.
Maybe you start asking yourself,you know, do I deserve this?
Is it safe here?
(16:45):
And and then you start to thinkabout, you know, the old
neighborhood or the old place orthe old situation, and really
start to doubt yourself,criticize yourself, pick
yourself apart, maybe haveimposter syndrome.
Like, who do you think you are?
And that is the inner work thatwe need to do.
(17:07):
Because you don't have to doanything additional or anything
special to deserve the thingsthat you want in your life.
And most especially if youworked hard to get somewhere,
and once you get there, youstart doubting yourself or
doubting your abilities ordoubting that you deserve it.
That's when you need to slowdown.
What's happening is that youneed to readjust and acclimate.
(17:32):
It's like giving yourself alittle bit of breathing room to
adjust to the new space, to thenew climate, to the new air in
the room.
Okay.
Second question Will you showyourself grace as you become
(17:52):
this new version of yourself?
So this was one that I reallyhad to struggle, or I really had
to think about because Istruggled with it.
Because I was in an abusiverelationship in the early 2000s,
(18:12):
around the similar time as towhen this uh music that I was
reflecting on earlier was outand I was going clubbing a lot.
I did meet someone at the SoundFactory, and we wound up getting
into a pretty intenserelationship pretty quickly.
And um, I've I've talked aboutit on previous episodes.
(18:33):
The guy was six years older thanme.
He was um a complete narcissist.
Love bombed me right from thebeginning, swept me off my feet.
I thought it was the mostfucking romantic thing in the
whole world.
It wasn't romance, it wasmanipulation.
And so when I finally got out ofthat really toxic situation, I
(18:56):
was strapped financially.
I had to work three jobs, and Ibasically did not sleep and uh
got my own place, didn't haveany furniture, was surviving off
the dollar menu at McDonald's,and I couldn't let people know
that because I was like a healthperson.
And I remember also that, youknow, my mom helped me.
(19:20):
She she knew I was struggling uhfinancially, and she worked at a
gym and she was like, you know,I think I can get a friends and
family discount for you.
And I remember at the time itwas like$55 a month, and she
said, I'll pay for it until youget back on your feet.
And that was so huge for mebecause uh, you know, I kind of
(19:43):
just left for college and didn'treally ask my mom for anything
after that.
And so for her to offer to helpme with my membership so that I
could have some mental sanitywas huge.
Now, when I moved into the newapartment and I was spending
time there, I sitting on thefloor, and then eventually I got
(20:06):
a beanbag chair and uh got thecable hooked up.
I was watching movies, using thelaptop, you know, obviously
enjoying my rent and my utilitybills, not really going anywhere
because I was either working orI was at home.
Um, I remember feeling scared,like, oh my God, I'm I'm in this
(20:30):
apartment and you know, I'm bymyself.
And, you know, do I deserve tobe here?
Who do I think I am?
Maybe I belong back with thatguy.
He used to tell me horriblethings, especially towards the
end of the relationship, becausehe knew that I was a lot smarter
than him.
I made more money than him, buthe was so good at manipulating
(20:54):
me, belittling me, brainwashingme, making me feel like a
complete piece of shit.
But those those were allprojections, you know, that was
those were reflections ofhimself.
And it took me quite a long timeto realize that he wasn't gonna
come and try to get me.
And I was in a safe place and Icould actually breathe and fall
(21:18):
asleep at night.
And I had to be patient withmyself as I was continuously
triggered or reactive or scaredand then feeling frustrated
because I was reacting.
So, you know, it's interestingwhen you are a self-aware
person, you really have to slowdown the judgment, the
(21:41):
self-judgment, and let yourselflive and be present in the
moment.
Um, I used to think it was asuperpower that I could observe
my behavior as I'm behaving.
And I actually think that that'svery detrimental because it
impedes living in the moment.
And it's almost as if if you'reif you're judging yourself as
(22:07):
you're moving through lifeconsistently and constantly, are
you actually living or are youplaying a role?
Just something to think about.
So as I was judging myself forreacting or having knee-jerk
responses to things and thenfeeling shame about it, I needed
(22:30):
to be more graceful.
Now, here's the third questionwhen your old self revisits, how
will you respond?
And I think this is a reallygood question because
Thanksgiving's coming, theholidays are coming, and new
year, and we're gonna be put inrooms with a lot of people that
(22:54):
may have the uncanny ability tovery easily trigger ush, us,
provoke us, and make us lose ourshit quickly.
You know, the the relatives whomaybe force you into an awkward
hug longer than you want to be,or that are food pushers, or
(23:18):
that make inappropriatecomments, or that are way too
comfortable with you and yourpartner, and you don't like it.
You know, there's all sorts ofsituations.
And even if the family dynamicis a little less toxic, there's
still a lot of room for chaosand discomfort.
(23:40):
And so it will bring up,especially if it's your family,
it will bring up triggers andthings from your past, maybe
from your childhood or fromyears long gone that you wanted
to forget about.
And so when those times show up,will how will you respond?
(24:02):
I know for me and for mybrothers, we've had to do a lot
of work on establishingboundaries and doing it in a
respectful way.
In fact, I had a conversationwith my mom today about
boundaries, and she she hadcalled and asked me a question,
(24:22):
and I said, Well, this person isestablishing a boundary with
you.
So once they do that, there's nobut.
You know, like you can't keeppressing the issue.
They gave you a response, theyestablished a boundary.
It wasn't disrespectful or rudeor hurtful, but it was a
boundary nonetheless.
(24:43):
And if you consistently push,well, then they're gonna get
mad, and then you're gonna getthe yelling and the screaming
and the anger and maybe getcursed out or have the phone
hung up on you.
So you need to respect theboundary when they show it the
first time.
When I tell you that that wasvery hard for me to do because
(25:05):
we didn't have a lot ofboundaries growing up, and I
gotta tell you, my mom didn'thave any when she was growing up
in her household either.
So it's not impossible to teachyour older relatives or your
parents something, but they haveto be open to it.
And it was very telling becauseclearly the situation was
(25:28):
confusing to my mom, and sheheard me out and she actually
thanked me in the end of theconversation, which is great.
So let's go back and reviewthese questions because I want
you to be nice to yourself,because growing is hard, it's
uncomfortable, it's icky, it'ssticky, it's it's like a cha-cha
(25:50):
dance.
You're gonna do two stepsforward and one step back, one
step to the side, turn around,kick, and then start again.
And I totally just pretended tobe dancing while I'm talking
into the microphone.
I wish you could have seen that.
So, number one, can you giveyourself permission to adjust or
to receive or to just be in thisnew space?
(26:13):
Number two, will you showyourself grace as you become the
new version of yourself?
And number three, when your oldself revisits, how will you
respond?
Now I want to touch on one morething before we wrap it up.
(26:34):
There is something reallyimportant.
As you're becoming a new versionof yourself, I want you to
realize that you are notabandoning your old self.
And here is the connection tothe song that I mentioned in the
beginning of this episode, thesong that stirred up a lot of
(26:55):
emotions for me.
And I actually cried on the yogamat today in class because it we
talked about surrendering.
And for a long time I did notknow how to be myself.
(27:25):
And then this newer version ofme who is more open-minded,
softer, patient, uh a littleless judgmental, nicer to
people, less attached tooutcomes, far less uh super
superficial.
(27:46):
Uh, I used to be very much intolike my appearance.
I'm still, I'm not gonna say I'mnot, it's just not as important
as it used to be.
My looks were everything back inthe day, and that's because I
didn't like myself.
And so I used to feel like I hadto look perfect all the time and
have the best body and have goodhair and have great skin and you
(28:08):
know, and everything needed tobe just so.
Otherwise, the world was comingcrashing down on me.
And so, in this interestingperiod of time over the last, I
would say, I'm gonna say aboutfive years, I've realized that I
(28:30):
don't need to abandon the oldversion of me.
I need to appreciate her.
And it's not that I'm lettingeverything go, but I am gonna be
letting go of some of the thingsthat she had to do in order to
(28:50):
get me to this place, and I'mgrateful for it.
But I also don't need to keepcarrying all of that weight with
me anymore because I've madepeace with a lot of it, and so
here is where the tears camefrom today, because there's a
lot of grief around surrenderingand becoming this new version.
(29:20):
My mentor recently postedsomething and it really struck
me because she said that she hadmoved into her dream house after
getting her business to a uhreally special place, and for
the first couple of months, shewas basically like really upset
(29:42):
and overwhelmed, and shecouldn't figure out what the
problem was, and it wasrealizing she didn't have to
suffer anymore.
And while that is good news, shehad to ask herself the question
who are you if you don't have tosuffer anymore?
And that really landed with me.
(30:04):
Because that girl who used to goclubbing all of the time in the
late 90s, in the early 2000s,and well into the 2010s.
And yes, even during that timeperiod, I went through several
transformations, but there wasstill a lot of suffering that
was going on, a lot of hardwork, a lot of strife, a lot of
(30:27):
heartache, a lot of pain.
And there's been a lot ofhealing work that has had to
take place.
So now that I feel more peaceand I'm not necessarily
suffering like I once was, don'tget me wrong, there's still a
lot of work to do here.
(30:47):
But now that I'm not sufferinglike I once was, I had to
rediscover who I am.
Because I don't have to sufferlike that anymore.
And if I continue on the paththat I'm on, I never will.
So as you're doing this work andas you are learning about the
(31:11):
version of yourself that you'rebecoming, remember to integrate
the old you and the new you.
And that is who you are rightnow.
So sometimes you're gonna feel alittle bit more of the old you,
and sometimes you're gonna feela little bit less, and all of
(31:32):
that is okay.
I hope this makes sense.
If you want to talk about thisany further, please send me a
text.
There's a way to do that if youcheck the show notes.
I just want to say thank youagain for tuning in, my loyal
listener.
It is because of you that I keepshowing up every week.
It is because of you that I havefound a really healthy and safe
(31:56):
place for me to share my storieswith you and to do it in a way
that is constructive and helpfulfor both of us.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
I'm grateful for your time andattention.
And as always, I'll catch you onthe next one.
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