July 28, 2025 • 27 mins
What happens when a routine doctor's appointment triggers a flood of unresolved trauma? This raw, unfiltered episode takes you through my unexpected 48-hour emotional journey after my cancer-survivor mother needed a hospital stay.
During what should have been a simple appointment, I found myself catapulted back to 2007 – when my mom battled brain cancer while I juggled a soul-crushing corporate job and an unsupportive relationship. The memory of her telling me to "stop fucking crying" during one vulnerable moment had shaped years of emotional suppression that I'm only now beginning to unpack.
We don't need to live in our memories to learn from them. "You can look back, get your notes, make your mental checklist and then move on," I share, inviting you to consider where you might be dwelling unnecessarily in past pain.
The most transformative insight came when examining my approach to self-growth. For decades, I thought healing meant abandoning my former self. Now I understand that true integration means thanking those earlier versions of myself for doing their best with limited tools.
Whether you're navigating complex family dynamics, processing old wounds, or seeking to make peace with your own history, this episode offers a gentle reminder that forgiveness – especially of yourself – might be the key.
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Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
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https://tiana-gonzalez.mykajabi.com/likeyoumeanit
Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Igot to tell you I'm recording
this episode at the 11th hour.
It's about 8 pm Sunday nightand I like to launch each
episode 4 am Monday morning, soI am cutting it close, but I
have good reason and I'll getinto that in a second.
(00:59):
This episode will center arounda few different topics that are
interconnected and also veryunique and overlap, so I want to
talk about forgiveness, healingand then dwelling in the past.
Now I'm going to share somepersonal things with you about
(01:25):
the experiences I had thisweekend with my mom, and they
will shed some light on why Icouldn't get to record and
produce this episode until now.
So my mom does not live close tome at the moment, but her
(01:46):
network of doctors is within myproximity, so when she comes to
town to do her appointments,obviously she'll try to put a
couple close together if she can, and she had an appointment
Thursday that a friend took herto and then she had an
appointment Friday.
(02:07):
So I planned to pick her up,take her out to lunch, do a
little scenic drive and thentake her to her doctor
appointment and potentially goshopping and stuff like that
Just kind of go with the flow,and I am going to conserve or
(02:28):
protect her privacy and notshare some of the details.
However, we did have to go tothe emergency room after the
doctor appointment that I tookher to on Friday because he
wanted her to do some furthertesting, and you may or may not
know this, but my mom is acancer survivor and she had
(02:50):
brain cancer.
We found the tumor in July of2007 and she had the tumor
removed and then did about 18months of various treatments at
Memorial Sloan Kettering in NewYork City.
So because she's a survivor,obviously there are certain
(03:13):
things that we have to payattention to, a little bit more
than perhaps somebody who's gotsurvival of different types of
things, somebody who's gotsurvival of different types of
things.
So we go to the emergency roomand it was sad and cute and
(03:38):
funny and frustrating all atonce, because my mom didn't even
want me to walk her in or checkher in to the emergency room.
I'd like to give her autonomy.
She is able to make her owndecisions.
She'll ask me for advice whenshe needs it, but I think
something that's important is toallow people to do what they
(03:59):
want when they want to asthey're getting older, and so I
want her to feel like she can dothese things on her own.
And she does.
So she says to me we pull intothe emergency room parking lot
and she looks at me and says I'mnot going to be long, but I'm
going to go in by myself.
You go, do what you have to doand then come back.
(04:20):
And I said you know, are yousure?
She said yeah, I did have anerrand I needed to run, so I do
that.
I come back and they tell hershe may need to be admitted
because some of the testing thatthe doctor ordered for her she
would have to wait until thenext morning.
She didn't even want to takeoff her shoes.
(04:42):
I said Ma, are you sure?
You know?
We can take your sneakers off.
I'll bring you some pajamas.
She says no, I'm not stayinglong, they're going to do the
tests and then I'm going to getout of here.
And I don't know if she wasbeing cavalier or just using the
law of attraction ormanifesting a positive outcome,
(05:06):
but I love that.
I really do love that.
Now, I do think it's a littledelulu.
However, you've heard me say onprevious episodes that
sometimes, to achieve the levelsof success that you want in
your life, you have to besomewhat delusional, a little
bit crazy, a little out there,because it's those people who
(05:27):
actually accomplish those loftydreams that they set out to
accomplish.
There is a saying and I'm goingto mess it up because I can
never remember it, but it'ssomething to the effect of only
those who go too far ever fullyknow how far they could possibly
go, and I love that.
(05:48):
That's my mom.
That is my mom.
She will go far.
My brother the one closest to mein age and myself both got that
from her.
We are adrenaline junkies.
We push ourselves really hard.
We always go just a little toofar, and my brother has been
injured many times on hismountain bike.
(06:10):
He has pushed himself inrunning events.
He's had a lot of broken bonesand injuries over the years and
great stories to tell about it.
And I'm just somebody who hassaid out loud to people that I'm
friends with during a workout.
I feel like I'm going to die.
(06:31):
I feel like I'm going to have aheart attack and you know what?
If it happens while I'm doingthis, I'm going to die a happy
woman, and I mean it when I sayshit like that.
So I get a little bit of thisstubborn hardheadedness from my
mom.
There's no lie about that.
They say the apple doesn't fallfar from the tree, and I'm
(06:53):
living proof of that.
Unfortunately, she spent about46 hours in the hospital.
She did have to get admittedand she stayed two nights
because she had to wait to getresults from the doctor after he
analyzed the tests.
(07:14):
So she was released today andshe couldn't wait to get out of
there.
Obviously Now I'm checking inwith her the whole time to make
sure she's okay.
I bring her some some things aheadphone set for her phone, a
charger for the phone, and I hadplanned to bring her her
favorite sandwich and a book.
But then she called me and saidguess what?
(07:36):
I'm good to go, I can get outof here.
So, um, you know, she got anUber and left.
She didn't even want to waitfor me to come and pick her up.
She was ready to get the fuckout of there and you know what?
I don't blame her, so she'sgood to go.
She does have some follow-upappointments to take care of,
but nothing urgent and nothingcritical.
But I will say this that wasthe most stressful 48 hours of
(07:59):
my life.
I broke down in tears in thelocker room today at the gym
this morning because I keptthinking about what the
experience was like when she hadcancer in 2007 and 2008, and
just how difficult it was notfor me, but difficult it was to
(08:24):
see her go through that and Irealized that I have some
unresolved emotions.
I have some big feelings aboutthat time of my life.
In 2007, I was working forLehman Brothers in Midtown.
It was my first real stressfulbig girl job episode that,
(08:54):
unfortunately for me, the daythat I interviewed for that job
I was in a car accident and Ijust had like so much adrenaline
rushing through me.
When they made the offer, Iimmediately jumped on it without
really thinking it through andnegotiating a better salary.
Once I took the offer andstarted working in the city, I
realized I was actually makingless because I had to spend more
money on clothes,transportation, my parking at
(09:19):
the train station every monthand then my monthly train pass,
not to mention incidentals likecoffee, lunch snacks, things
like that, so unbeknownst to meuntil I was in it.
I was in a really stressfulsituation with this job.
Not to mention, I was in arelationship with somebody who
(09:39):
was not contributing anywherenear as much to the relationship
and not very supportive,especially when my mom was
diagnosed with brain cancer.
In fact, the day of her surgerywas diagnosed with brain cancer
.
In fact, the day of her surgery, we got into an argument and he
never showed up for me.
He didn't show up at thehospital, he didn't call me, he
(10:01):
didn't show up at my house.
No card, nothing.
I got a text message Now in2007,.
That's unacceptable.
In 2007, we were not textingimportant things.
We were not texting novels toeach other.
In 2007, you were tellingsomebody hey, I'm outside or I'm
(10:23):
on my way, but you weren'ttexting them.
I hope your mom survives braincancer.
I hope your mom survives hersurgery.
I hope your mom is okay andit's not cancer.
Things like that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Unacceptable.
So I'm painting this picture foryou Super fucking stressful
(10:45):
life, super stressful job,stressful job.
And on top of that, here'swhere the emotions come in.
I really was not able to.
I was not allowed to show myemotions regarding my mother's
(11:06):
illness at the time.
One day I vividly remember oneday I was driving her.
Now, at this point, she'sprobably about 90 pounds.
Her hair had all fallen out andshe was very skinny.
She had a bandana on her head.
(11:26):
I think she had lost most ofher eyebrows too and we were
talking about something and Istarted to cry in the car and
she started screaming at me.
She basically told me stopfucking crying, you're pathetic,
this is about me, it's notabout you.
And I think that was just herdefense mechanism.
(11:46):
Her go-to was always anger.
Her go-to was always anger.
But I never, from that dayforward, really showed any
emotions in front of my momabout her or how I felt about
her situation, like I wasn'ttrying to make it about me at
(12:09):
all or feel sorry for myself.
It was really more about that.
I was sad that she was goingthrough that experience, but at
the time she didn't want to hearit.
She didn't want to see it.
So this morning I worked outbefore I had my clients and, as
I'm in the locker room, we spokeon the phone briefly.
(12:31):
This was still before she hadgotten word from the doctor.
So she was waiting to hear fromthe doctor and we were hoping
she would be released.
But we talked about.
She called me and we talkedabout what I was going to bring
her her favorite sandwich, maybea book, you know, a fresh pair
of socks, just something.
Book, you know, a fresh pair ofsocks, just something.
(12:55):
Magazines, something to keepher entertained.
And when I hung up the phone, itjust was so reminiscent of
going to see her before and thenimmediately after she had brain
surgery in 2007.
And it reminded me of what ourfamily dynamic was like for
(13:19):
almost two years you know, 18months to two years where you
know things were just off.
She needed a lot of help andshe wasn't herself and I just
crumbled, started crying rightin my towel in the locker room.
I think I had my workout pantson but my work t-shirt on, or
(13:46):
vice versa.
I was like half dressed andthese emotions just overwhelmed
me and I had to let myself feelthose feelings and then also
tell myself and remind myselfthat it's important not to
catastrophize everything and tonot worry about something that
(14:12):
might not be.
Mother always would tell medon't worry, until you have
something to worry about, don'tworry.
And I don't know if she wasalways telling me that just to
gaslight me or just to try tomake me feel better, but she was
worrying or if she really meantit.
But regardless, I said that tomyself, I pulled it together and
(14:39):
I just felt really sad most ofthe day and even after she said,
oh, I got released or I'mgetting released.
And we spoke and she was withher friend where she's staying,
and she was like, so happy.
And then this heavy guiltfeeling came in and I I haven't
(15:07):
been able to shake it.
This happens to me a lot.
When I see my mom and we have agood experience, or we talk on
the phone and we have a goodtime, and then it's over.
I'm really sad and I wish thatthere was something that I could
(15:28):
do to change it.
But I know why I'm sad.
There was something that Icould do to change it.
But I know why I'm sad.
I'm sad because we didn't have aton of that in the past.
There was always fighting,there was always frustration.
(15:52):
There was always this sort ofenergy of one upping each other.
And you know it's family, rightLike you joke on, you play
jokes on each other, you'repranking each other, you're
sharing embarrassing stories infront of your brother's
girlfriend, or he is in front ofmy boyfriend or my you know, et
cetera.
And so I can't help but thinkabout the past a lot today and
(16:17):
think about what that time of mylife was like and remember when
.
Remember when, that's the saying, remember when.
But we can't stay stuck there.
But we can't stay stuck there.
(16:38):
Remember and remembereverything positive and anything
you categorize as negative too,because it probably taught you
something.
But you don't have to livethere.
You can look back, get yournotes, make your mental
checklist and then move on.
You don't have to sit in thatmemory anymore and guess what?
(16:58):
You can change the energy of it, change the story.
For a long time I was upsetwith my mom about that incident
in the car, when she told me tostop fucking crying You're not
the one with cancer.
And I remember being like howdare you.
I'm allowed to feel what I feel,and I look back on that
(17:22):
situation now and I say tomyself I know why she did that.
She was scared.
She also probably wasn't usedto seeing me be emotional in
front of her that much, becauseI didn't.
I wasn't.
Often I would run away from her.
I was the kid who, when I wasupset, I'd go to my room and
lock the door and put the musicon loud.
(17:42):
I would always pretend that Iwas fine.
I didn't want my mom's advice,I didn't want to tell her what
was going on, and so I alwaysjust pretended that I was fine.
But on the inside I wasmiserable or sad or heartbroken
(18:06):
about something, or I wasmissing my dad and I just didn't
want to talk to her about it,you know.
So if I'm thinking aboutfeeling sad after seeing my mom
and thinking about the past andtrying to create good things in
the present moment, then thatmeans I need to forgive myself
(18:29):
for harboring resentment andholding anger and maybe thinking
about things from the past innot such a great light, because
I can choose to see thingsdifferently.
I can choose to humanize myparents and realize that they
(18:52):
were kids when they had me, theyprobably did the best that they
could.
I trust that they did the bestthat they could with what they
had, but they were still growingup too.
And when you do that, when youreally put yourself in a
position to understand the wholestory, the generations before
(19:16):
us and the generations that willcome after us Not from me,
because I'm not having kids, butI'm hoping that my youngest
brother has kids someday.
He's the hope, you know.
That's how you heal, that's howyou make the present moment the
(19:38):
best that you possibly can,because you forgive yourself and
you forgive other people forshit that happened.
Now, obviously, for many of usthere are things that are truly
unforgivable and there's painthat's so deep rooted we'll
(19:59):
never really fully be freed fromthose shackles.
But what you can do is look forthe light.
You can choose to be optimisticin a world that may feel dark
to you.
You can choose to be thatlittle sprig of grass that's
(20:26):
growing through the crack in theconcrete, that's growing from
the rain that comes down andthen eventually sprouts into
this beautiful lavender flowerwith white in the middle and the
leaves are rounded and soft andangelic looking and they just
(20:49):
poof up and open up and, beforeyou know it, you focus on that
flower instead of on the crackin the concrete.
There's another one, andanother one, and another one,
and now there's a bee andthere's a butterfly, and now you
have a whole fucking garden inthe middle of this concrete.
(21:10):
Actually, side note, did yousee?
About a year ago there was alittle koi pond that someone
created in the sidewalk in anarea of Brooklyn.
I wish I knew the neighborhood.
I think it grew from a hydrantthat was leaking and then
somebody put some fish in thereand before you know it, it was a
(21:32):
whole ecosystem and I love that.
And that's kind of what I'mgetting at here.
In the midst of chaos, you canchoose to be calm In this
concrete place.
You can choose to be thatflower, or you can at least
choose to see it.
You don't have to be it, butyou can choose to see it.
(21:54):
To see it and that forgivenesspiece that is about freeing
yourself from the shackles thatyou're holding yourself in.
Oh, this person hurt me when Iwas five years old and you've
been holding onto that painsince you were five years old.
What if you could make peacewith it and set yourself free
(22:19):
from the weight of that burden.
How would your life change then?
I have no idea if this episodemakes sense to you.
It's more of a ramble.
It's more of a word vomit.
It's more of me giving you alittle bit of insight into who I
am.
(22:41):
Life is complicated, family iscomplex and nobody's family is
perfect.
We all have shit.
Everybody is dealing withsomething private.
Everybody is coping with thingsthat they will never talk to
you about, but they are heavy inthat person's heart.
That's why you choose to bekind.
(23:01):
That's why I choose to justgive people a little bit of
grace, you know, becauseeveryone has something.
Everyone's going throughsomething.
Now my mom will be okay andwe'll be okay.
Our relationship is pretty goodnow.
(23:22):
We talk, and I have a lot morepatience than I ever did before.
But I'm certainly not going toget on a soapbox and tell you
how you should live your lifeand how you should treat your
loved ones, because we all livedifferent lives.
But if you can find a way tocut some of that weight, to get
(23:49):
rid of some of that emotionalburden you're carrying around so
that you can float a littlehigher, I would highly encourage
you to explore and navigatethose things that you're still
harboring inside, that that uglypart of you, and maybe you can
(24:10):
find a way to see it differently.
Maybe it's not going to changecompletely, but you can look at
it through a different lens,because all of it is you.
And in my own healing journey,in my own process, the mistake I
made for a very long timeprobably up until I was about 42
(24:32):
or 43, which is only a fewyears ago is in my healing
journey, I identified myself asbecoming a better version of
myself and doing away,abandoning the old version of me
, and I see things and view uh,I view things very differently
(24:59):
now Now, yes, I still agree I'mbecoming the best version of
myself possible.
I am currently the best versionof myself right now and I'm
going to keep quantum leapingand getting better and better
and better.
The difference is I'm not doingaway with the old versions of
me.
(25:19):
I'm looking back and sayingthank you to those old versions
of me and integrating thosedarker parts of me, the parts
that maybe I feel shame aboutnow, because I did the best I
could at the time with the toolsthat I had at my disposal, and
(25:41):
I can't ask for anything morethan that.
So why would I abandon theperson who did the best she
could for me, which is the pastme?
That doesn't make any sense,right?
She did everything for me.
She cultivated this whole life,got an education, changed jobs,
(26:02):
left toxic people, toxicfriendships, toxic boyfriends,
toxic jobs.
Whenever the shoe didn't fit,she said I'm getting the fuck
out of here.
And the older I get, the fasterwe do that.
And the older I get, the fasterwe do that.
We do not have anythingpromised.
We do not know how long we haveon earth, so you got to make
(26:25):
the most of the time you havenow here today, this moment.
Live to your fullest potential,forgive yourself for mistakes,
integrate those parts of youinto the better, newer, more
(26:46):
amazing version that you are andthat you're becoming, and maybe
just look on the past and say,wow, that was crazy.
Or wow, that was amazing.
Look how far we've come.
I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode.
I appreciate your time andattention always, each and every
week, and I'll catch you on thenext one.
(27:10):
Bye.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Igot to tell you I'm recording
this episode at the 11th hour.
It's about 8 pm Sunday nightand I like to launch each
episode 4 am Monday morning, soI am cutting it close, but I
have good reason and I'll getinto that in a second.
(00:59):
This episode will center arounda few different topics that are
interconnected and also veryunique and overlap, so I want to
talk about forgiveness, healingand then dwelling in the past.
Now I'm going to share somepersonal things with you about
(01:25):
the experiences I had thisweekend with my mom, and they
will shed some light on why Icouldn't get to record and
produce this episode until now.
So my mom does not live close tome at the moment, but her
(01:46):
network of doctors is within myproximity, so when she comes to
town to do her appointments,obviously she'll try to put a
couple close together if she can, and she had an appointment
Thursday that a friend took herto and then she had an
appointment Friday.
(02:07):
So I planned to pick her up,take her out to lunch, do a
little scenic drive and thentake her to her doctor
appointment and potentially goshopping and stuff like that
Just kind of go with the flow,and I am going to conserve or
(02:28):
protect her privacy and notshare some of the details.
However, we did have to go tothe emergency room after the
doctor appointment that I tookher to on Friday because he
wanted her to do some furthertesting, and you may or may not
know this, but my mom is acancer survivor and she had
(02:50):
brain cancer.
We found the tumor in July of2007 and she had the tumor
removed and then did about 18months of various treatments at
Memorial Sloan Kettering in NewYork City.
So because she's a survivor,obviously there are certain
(03:13):
things that we have to payattention to, a little bit more
than perhaps somebody who's gotsurvival of different types of
things, somebody who's gotsurvival of different types of
things.
So we go to the emergency roomand it was sad and cute and
(03:38):
funny and frustrating all atonce, because my mom didn't even
want me to walk her in or checkher in to the emergency room.
I'd like to give her autonomy.
She is able to make her owndecisions.
She'll ask me for advice whenshe needs it, but I think
something that's important is toallow people to do what they
(03:59):
want when they want to asthey're getting older, and so I
want her to feel like she can dothese things on her own.
And she does.
So she says to me we pull intothe emergency room parking lot
and she looks at me and says I'mnot going to be long, but I'm
going to go in by myself.
You go, do what you have to doand then come back.
(04:20):
And I said you know, are yousure?
She said yeah, I did have anerrand I needed to run, so I do
that.
I come back and they tell hershe may need to be admitted
because some of the testing thatthe doctor ordered for her she
would have to wait until thenext morning.
She didn't even want to takeoff her shoes.
(04:42):
I said Ma, are you sure?
You know?
We can take your sneakers off.
I'll bring you some pajamas.
She says no, I'm not stayinglong, they're going to do the
tests and then I'm going to getout of here.
And I don't know if she wasbeing cavalier or just using the
law of attraction ormanifesting a positive outcome,
(05:06):
but I love that.
I really do love that.
Now, I do think it's a littledelulu.
However, you've heard me say onprevious episodes that
sometimes, to achieve the levelsof success that you want in
your life, you have to besomewhat delusional, a little
bit crazy, a little out there,because it's those people who
(05:27):
actually accomplish those loftydreams that they set out to
accomplish.
There is a saying and I'm goingto mess it up because I can
never remember it, but it'ssomething to the effect of only
those who go too far ever fullyknow how far they could possibly
go, and I love that.
(05:48):
That's my mom.
That is my mom.
She will go far.
My brother the one closest to mein age and myself both got that
from her.
We are adrenaline junkies.
We push ourselves really hard.
We always go just a little toofar, and my brother has been
injured many times on hismountain bike.
(06:10):
He has pushed himself inrunning events.
He's had a lot of broken bonesand injuries over the years and
great stories to tell about it.
And I'm just somebody who hassaid out loud to people that I'm
friends with during a workout.
I feel like I'm going to die.
(06:31):
I feel like I'm going to have aheart attack and you know what?
If it happens while I'm doingthis, I'm going to die a happy
woman, and I mean it when I sayshit like that.
So I get a little bit of thisstubborn hardheadedness from my
mom.
There's no lie about that.
They say the apple doesn't fallfar from the tree, and I'm
(06:53):
living proof of that.
Unfortunately, she spent about46 hours in the hospital.
She did have to get admittedand she stayed two nights
because she had to wait to getresults from the doctor after he
analyzed the tests.
(07:14):
So she was released today andshe couldn't wait to get out of
there.
Obviously Now I'm checking inwith her the whole time to make
sure she's okay.
I bring her some some things aheadphone set for her phone, a
charger for the phone, and I hadplanned to bring her her
favorite sandwich and a book.
But then she called me and saidguess what?
(07:36):
I'm good to go, I can get outof here.
So, um, you know, she got anUber and left.
She didn't even want to waitfor me to come and pick her up.
She was ready to get the fuckout of there and you know what?
I don't blame her, so she'sgood to go.
She does have some follow-upappointments to take care of,
but nothing urgent and nothingcritical.
But I will say this that wasthe most stressful 48 hours of
(07:59):
my life.
I broke down in tears in thelocker room today at the gym
this morning because I keptthinking about what the
experience was like when she hadcancer in 2007 and 2008, and
just how difficult it was notfor me, but difficult it was to
(08:24):
see her go through that and Irealized that I have some
unresolved emotions.
I have some big feelings aboutthat time of my life.
In 2007, I was working forLehman Brothers in Midtown.
It was my first real stressfulbig girl job episode that,
(08:54):
unfortunately for me, the daythat I interviewed for that job
I was in a car accident and Ijust had like so much adrenaline
rushing through me.
When they made the offer, Iimmediately jumped on it without
really thinking it through andnegotiating a better salary.
Once I took the offer andstarted working in the city, I
realized I was actually makingless because I had to spend more
money on clothes,transportation, my parking at
(09:19):
the train station every monthand then my monthly train pass,
not to mention incidentals likecoffee, lunch snacks, things
like that, so unbeknownst to meuntil I was in it.
I was in a really stressfulsituation with this job.
Not to mention, I was in arelationship with somebody who
(09:39):
was not contributing anywherenear as much to the relationship
and not very supportive,especially when my mom was
diagnosed with brain cancer.
In fact, the day of her surgerywas diagnosed with brain cancer
.
In fact, the day of her surgery, we got into an argument and he
never showed up for me.
He didn't show up at thehospital, he didn't call me, he
(10:01):
didn't show up at my house.
No card, nothing.
I got a text message Now in2007,.
That's unacceptable.
In 2007, we were not textingimportant things.
We were not texting novels toeach other.
In 2007, you were tellingsomebody hey, I'm outside or I'm
(10:23):
on my way, but you weren'ttexting them.
I hope your mom survives braincancer.
I hope your mom survives hersurgery.
I hope your mom is okay andit's not cancer.
Things like that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Unacceptable.
So I'm painting this picture foryou Super fucking stressful
(10:45):
life, super stressful job,stressful job.
And on top of that, here'swhere the emotions come in.
I really was not able to.
I was not allowed to show myemotions regarding my mother's
(11:06):
illness at the time.
One day I vividly remember oneday I was driving her.
Now, at this point, she'sprobably about 90 pounds.
Her hair had all fallen out andshe was very skinny.
She had a bandana on her head.
(11:26):
I think she had lost most ofher eyebrows too and we were
talking about something and Istarted to cry in the car and
she started screaming at me.
She basically told me stopfucking crying, you're pathetic,
this is about me, it's notabout you.
And I think that was just herdefense mechanism.
(11:46):
Her go-to was always anger.
Her go-to was always anger.
But I never, from that dayforward, really showed any
emotions in front of my momabout her or how I felt about
her situation, like I wasn'ttrying to make it about me at
(12:09):
all or feel sorry for myself.
It was really more about that.
I was sad that she was goingthrough that experience, but at
the time she didn't want to hearit.
She didn't want to see it.
So this morning I worked outbefore I had my clients and, as
I'm in the locker room, we spokeon the phone briefly.
(12:31):
This was still before she hadgotten word from the doctor.
So she was waiting to hear fromthe doctor and we were hoping
she would be released.
But we talked about.
She called me and we talkedabout what I was going to bring
her her favorite sandwich, maybea book, you know, a fresh pair
of socks, just something.
Book, you know, a fresh pair ofsocks, just something.
(12:55):
Magazines, something to keepher entertained.
And when I hung up the phone, itjust was so reminiscent of
going to see her before and thenimmediately after she had brain
surgery in 2007.
And it reminded me of what ourfamily dynamic was like for
(13:19):
almost two years you know, 18months to two years where you
know things were just off.
She needed a lot of help andshe wasn't herself and I just
crumbled, started crying rightin my towel in the locker room.
I think I had my workout pantson but my work t-shirt on, or
(13:46):
vice versa.
I was like half dressed andthese emotions just overwhelmed
me and I had to let myself feelthose feelings and then also
tell myself and remind myselfthat it's important not to
catastrophize everything and tonot worry about something that
(14:12):
might not be.
Mother always would tell medon't worry, until you have
something to worry about, don'tworry.
And I don't know if she wasalways telling me that just to
gaslight me or just to try tomake me feel better, but she was
worrying or if she really meantit.
But regardless, I said that tomyself, I pulled it together and
(14:39):
I just felt really sad most ofthe day and even after she said,
oh, I got released or I'mgetting released.
And we spoke and she was withher friend where she's staying,
and she was like, so happy.
And then this heavy guiltfeeling came in and I I haven't
(15:07):
been able to shake it.
This happens to me a lot.
When I see my mom and we have agood experience, or we talk on
the phone and we have a goodtime, and then it's over.
I'm really sad and I wish thatthere was something that I could
(15:28):
do to change it.
But I know why I'm sad.
There was something that Icould do to change it.
But I know why I'm sad.
I'm sad because we didn't have aton of that in the past.
There was always fighting,there was always frustration.
(15:52):
There was always this sort ofenergy of one upping each other.
And you know it's family, rightLike you joke on, you play
jokes on each other, you'repranking each other, you're
sharing embarrassing stories infront of your brother's
girlfriend, or he is in front ofmy boyfriend or my you know, et
cetera.
And so I can't help but thinkabout the past a lot today and
(16:17):
think about what that time of mylife was like and remember when
.
Remember when, that's the saying, remember when.
But we can't stay stuck there.
But we can't stay stuck there.
(16:38):
Remember and remembereverything positive and anything
you categorize as negative too,because it probably taught you
something.
But you don't have to livethere.
You can look back, get yournotes, make your mental
checklist and then move on.
You don't have to sit in thatmemory anymore and guess what?
(16:58):
You can change the energy of it, change the story.
For a long time I was upsetwith my mom about that incident
in the car, when she told me tostop fucking crying You're not
the one with cancer.
And I remember being like howdare you.
I'm allowed to feel what I feel,and I look back on that
(17:22):
situation now and I say tomyself I know why she did that.
She was scared.
She also probably wasn't usedto seeing me be emotional in
front of her that much, becauseI didn't.
I wasn't.
Often I would run away from her.
I was the kid who, when I wasupset, I'd go to my room and
lock the door and put the musicon loud.
(17:42):
I would always pretend that Iwas fine.
I didn't want my mom's advice,I didn't want to tell her what
was going on, and so I alwaysjust pretended that I was fine.
But on the inside I wasmiserable or sad or heartbroken
(18:06):
about something, or I wasmissing my dad and I just didn't
want to talk to her about it,you know.
So if I'm thinking aboutfeeling sad after seeing my mom
and thinking about the past andtrying to create good things in
the present moment, then thatmeans I need to forgive myself
(18:29):
for harboring resentment andholding anger and maybe thinking
about things from the past innot such a great light, because
I can choose to see thingsdifferently.
I can choose to humanize myparents and realize that they
(18:52):
were kids when they had me, theyprobably did the best that they
could.
I trust that they did the bestthat they could with what they
had, but they were still growingup too.
And when you do that, when youreally put yourself in a
position to understand the wholestory, the generations before
(19:16):
us and the generations that willcome after us Not from me,
because I'm not having kids, butI'm hoping that my youngest
brother has kids someday.
He's the hope, you know.
That's how you heal, that's howyou make the present moment the
(19:38):
best that you possibly can,because you forgive yourself and
you forgive other people forshit that happened.
Now, obviously, for many of usthere are things that are truly
unforgivable and there's painthat's so deep rooted we'll
(19:59):
never really fully be freed fromthose shackles.
But what you can do is look forthe light.
You can choose to be optimisticin a world that may feel dark
to you.
You can choose to be thatlittle sprig of grass that's
(20:26):
growing through the crack in theconcrete, that's growing from
the rain that comes down andthen eventually sprouts into
this beautiful lavender flowerwith white in the middle and the
leaves are rounded and soft andangelic looking and they just
(20:49):
poof up and open up and, beforeyou know it, you focus on that
flower instead of on the crackin the concrete.
There's another one, andanother one, and another one,
and now there's a bee andthere's a butterfly, and now you
have a whole fucking garden inthe middle of this concrete.
(21:10):
Actually, side note, did yousee?
About a year ago there was alittle koi pond that someone
created in the sidewalk in anarea of Brooklyn.
I wish I knew the neighborhood.
I think it grew from a hydrantthat was leaking and then
somebody put some fish in thereand before you know it, it was a
(21:32):
whole ecosystem and I love that.
And that's kind of what I'mgetting at here.
In the midst of chaos, you canchoose to be calm In this
concrete place.
You can choose to be thatflower, or you can at least
choose to see it.
You don't have to be it, butyou can choose to see it.
(21:54):
To see it and that forgivenesspiece that is about freeing
yourself from the shackles thatyou're holding yourself in.
Oh, this person hurt me when Iwas five years old and you've
been holding onto that painsince you were five years old.
What if you could make peacewith it and set yourself free
(22:19):
from the weight of that burden.
How would your life change then?
I have no idea if this episodemakes sense to you.
It's more of a ramble.
It's more of a word vomit.
It's more of me giving you alittle bit of insight into who I
am.
(22:41):
Life is complicated, family iscomplex and nobody's family is
perfect.
We all have shit.
Everybody is dealing withsomething private.
Everybody is coping with thingsthat they will never talk to
you about, but they are heavy inthat person's heart.
That's why you choose to bekind.
(23:01):
That's why I choose to justgive people a little bit of
grace, you know, becauseeveryone has something.
Everyone's going throughsomething.
Now my mom will be okay andwe'll be okay.
Our relationship is pretty goodnow.
(23:22):
We talk, and I have a lot morepatience than I ever did before.
But I'm certainly not going toget on a soapbox and tell you
how you should live your lifeand how you should treat your
loved ones, because we all livedifferent lives.
But if you can find a way tocut some of that weight, to get
(23:49):
rid of some of that emotionalburden you're carrying around so
that you can float a littlehigher, I would highly encourage
you to explore and navigatethose things that you're still
harboring inside, that that uglypart of you, and maybe you can
(24:10):
find a way to see it differently.
Maybe it's not going to changecompletely, but you can look at
it through a different lens,because all of it is you.
And in my own healing journey,in my own process, the mistake I
made for a very long timeprobably up until I was about 42
(24:32):
or 43, which is only a fewyears ago is in my healing
journey, I identified myself asbecoming a better version of
myself and doing away,abandoning the old version of me
, and I see things and view uh,I view things very differently
(24:59):
now Now, yes, I still agree I'mbecoming the best version of
myself possible.
I am currently the best versionof myself right now and I'm
going to keep quantum leapingand getting better and better
and better.
The difference is I'm not doingaway with the old versions of
me.
(25:19):
I'm looking back and sayingthank you to those old versions
of me and integrating thosedarker parts of me, the parts
that maybe I feel shame aboutnow, because I did the best I
could at the time with the toolsthat I had at my disposal, and
(25:41):
I can't ask for anything morethan that.
So why would I abandon theperson who did the best she
could for me, which is the pastme?
That doesn't make any sense,right?
She did everything for me.
She cultivated this whole life,got an education, changed jobs,
(26:02):
left toxic people, toxicfriendships, toxic boyfriends,
toxic jobs.
Whenever the shoe didn't fit,she said I'm getting the fuck
out of here.
And the older I get, the fasterwe do that.
And the older I get, the fasterwe do that.
We do not have anythingpromised.
We do not know how long we haveon earth, so you got to make
(26:25):
the most of the time you havenow here today, this moment.
Live to your fullest potential,forgive yourself for mistakes,
integrate those parts of youinto the better, newer, more
(26:46):
amazing version that you are andthat you're becoming, and maybe
just look on the past and say,wow, that was crazy.
Or wow, that was amazing.
Look how far we've come.
I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode.
I appreciate your time andattention always, each and every
week, and I'll catch you on thenext one.
(27:10):
Bye.
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