May 5, 2025 • 25 mins
Have you ever wondered where the line between tough love and abuse truly lies? That blurry boundary shaped my childhood in profound ways, leaving scars that took decades to understand.
Growing up in the 1980s with my father after my parents split, I experienced what was then considered "character building" but would today be recognized as neglect and emotional abuse. I'll never forget the day my thumb got caught in a car door, turning purple-black while I was told to stop crying and toughen up. No medical care, just shame for expressing pain. This moment, buried in my memories until recently, exemplifies how children can be failed by the very adults meant to protect them.
My father's determination to "beat the girl out of me" went beyond physical toughness. I was ridiculed for embracing anything feminine, used as a demonstration dummy in his karate school, and left to navigate puberty alone with overwhelming shame. These experiences created a hyper-independent person who struggled to trust others and lived primarily in masculine energy.
The journey back to my authentic self has been about reclaiming femininity without abandoning strength. I've learned to forgive my parents while acknowledging the harm done. Now, I pamper myself radically, knowing I deserve the nurturing. This is my invitation to you: Where do you find the line between being tough and being gentle with yourself? Can you dance comfortably between these qualities, embracing both rather than choosing one?
Your experiences shape you, but they don't have to define you. Connect with me through the show notes if this resonates—I'd love to continue this conversation about building an unbreakable mind and body while honoring all aspects of who you are.
Connect with Me
Instagram: www.instagram.com/tianasmindandmoves
Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
Download your Free 5-Min Pre-Workout Guide:
https://tiana-gonzalez.mykajabi.com/likeyoumeanit
Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Ijust want to say thank you so
much for being here On thisepisode.
I want just want to say thankyou so much for being here On
(00:54):
this episode.
I want to explore tough lovewith you, and I promised when I
set out to create this podcastand cultivate a community and
develop connection with you.
I did make a promise at thebeginning of this process to
share stories, particularly frommy past, particularly from my
upbringing that posed a lot ofobstacles and challenges and
(01:16):
shaped me into becoming theperson I once was and also the
person that I am today.
The person I once was and alsothe person that I am today.
As you know, I believe thateven when we shed our skin and
move forward into a new level orwe grow, we never fully abandon
(01:37):
the old versions of ourself,and so on today's episode, I
want to explore this idea abouttough love, and where do we
establish the boundary or wheredo we see the threshold for when
tough love turns into abuse?
(02:00):
If this is something that maytrigger you, then you may not
want to listen to this episode.
For me, this is something Iwanted to dive into headfirst
because, as a child, Iexperienced different things
(02:22):
that, from today's viewpoint,would be classified as abuse and
treated differently in 2025than it was in the 80s.
Before I continue, I want youto know that I did a lot of soul
searching before I chose to hitthe record button and if you
(02:45):
know me on a personal level andyou have questions when you see
me, do not be afraid to approachme.
Of course, time and place, butanything that I share on this
show is fair game.
That is a promise that I maketo my listeners.
(03:06):
That is a promise that I madeto you.
That is a promise that I havemade to myself, because it is
through sharing theseexperiences that we can come
together.
I may be repeating some thingsfrom episodes one and two, so
please forgive me.
When I was very small, myparents split up and my father
(03:27):
took me and my brother andbasically just disappeared.
My mom eventually found us.
She put up a fight it was abattle she was not going to win
until she got a lawyer and tookmy dad to court and we did this
whole court case thing and wewould see her on weekends.
(03:47):
My dad had full custody.
He had a live-in girlfriend andI don't think the girlfriend
was particularly fond of us.
She was always very neutral,not the warmest person, not very
affectionate, not very nice,and as an adult woman now I look
(04:09):
back on some of the energy thatI remember from that time, from
the age of about.
I remember her from the age ofabout six or seven until I was
around 10 or 11.
And you know what, if I was inher shoes, I probably wouldn't
be the nicest person either.
My dad was running around townwith other women.
(04:32):
He had a really bad reputationand she probably didn't sign up
to be a stay-at-home girlfriendraising someone else's children.
But here she was and there wasone day in particular where we
went to the mall and we didn'tshe didn't drive, so sometimes
(04:53):
we walked there and other timesher friend would pick us up Now
I'm about seven or eight at thistime and when we parked the car
in the mall we go to get out ofthe car, I was sitting in the
rear passenger side and as I'mclosing the door and I go to
(05:17):
walk away, I'm stuck.
I turn and look and my leftthumb was locked in the door.
I had slammed the door on mythumb.
This was an older car.
There was no remote to clickthe door, lock or unlock.
You had to use a key to unlockone of the front doors and then
(05:40):
reach and pull the lock up fromthe inside.
Reach and pull the lock up fromthe inside.
So I'm screaming, looking at mythumb turning blue, knowing
that it's going to hurt likeholy hell when I get this door
open.
But we need to get my thumb outof the door.
(06:02):
So eventually we get it out, Iof ice, and we continue to shop
in the mall.
So I'm a little kid with abasically black, pulsing thumb
at this point, walking aroundthe mall with my dad's
girlfriend, my brother who'syounger than me, and my dad's
(06:24):
girlfriend's friend, this otherwoman, and thinking back now,
they probably were only in their20s, maybe like 25, 26.
They were younger than my dadand we're walking around the
mall with a cup of ice, with mythumb in the ice.
I'm dying.
(06:44):
I'm in so much pain and I'mbeing told I'm a baby, I'm
overreacting.
It's not that big of a deal.
Probably should have went tothe emergency room but we didn't
and unfortunately for me.
I was told to toughen up and todeal with it.
(07:07):
I was not given any care noaspirin, no Tylenol, no more ice
.
After that, one cup of icemelted and I'm a kid and I
basically did not sleep for twodays, had to go to school the
next day, dying in pain,literally dying in pain.
I was so lucky that it was atleast my left hand and I
(07:31):
remember.
Eventually the pain subsided ittook about two days and my
thumb, the whole thumb, turnedpurplish black in color.
It was full of some type offluid blood, pus, whatever you
name it.
Um and and eventually it burstand it was pretty nasty when it
(07:58):
burst, actually, and probably acouple weeks later the nail fell
off and it grew back.
Now I'm lucky I didn't break myfinger and the nail grew back.
The nail is actually a littlecrooked.
And then when I go to get mynails done whoever's doing my
(08:19):
nails if it's a different person.
They always make a commentabout how my left thumb is
crooked, and that's because ofthat accident and I thought
about this story a couple weeksago and I fell apart.
It was one of the things that Ichose to forget.
Now, at some point I don't knowwhere in the process my dad
(08:44):
found out, because obviously heeventually came home from work
and he barely comforted me and Ijust powered through because I
didn't want anyone to think Iwas weak.
I didn't want anyone to see mecrying Meanwhile.
I'm sure they heard me crying,but I was in a lot of pain and I
(09:08):
think back now to what I wouldhave done with my daughter had
that happened, and I know that Iwould have acted very
differently.
That was really difficult toreflect on because it made me
(09:28):
feel like why didn't anybodyadvocate for me?
And I think that because of thetiming of the injury when it
occurred, it was on a weekendthat I was with my father, so a
week later when I did see my mom, she was concerned about it,
but I was already on the upswingand feeling better.
(09:50):
It wasn't throbbing as much andI remember her being concerned
about it and I do remember herand my dad having a little bit
of a spat about it.
They really disliked each otherat the time.
Could you imagine having aneight-year-old daughter and just
(10:11):
telling them to toughen up,yeah, to toughen up, yeah.
And there were so many otherstories just like that.
You know, being the daughter ofa black belt who owned a karate
school, being used as like thetest subject, being thrown
(10:32):
around, being used to make anexample of, I was constantly
being embarrassed, belittled andbasically the little girl in me
got beaten out.
I was so ashamed ever of likeshowing my emotions or being
(10:53):
feminine in any sort of way.
I remember seeing my twincousins.
I have twin cousins that arefour years older than me and I
adored them when I was littlebecause whenever I was allowed
to have a sleepover with them,they would treat me like a doll
and play with my hair and putnail polish on me and put
(11:15):
lipstick on me and put me indresses and shoes, and I didn't
get any of that.
Living with my dad, in fact, Irecall him telling my aunt that
like he hated that shit and hewanted them to stop doing that
because he didn't like it, andall it was was me celebrating
(11:35):
the girl inside.
I was so ashamed of being afemale as a kid that when I got
my period for the first time, Itried to hide it from him.
For about four or five days Iwas bundling up basically half a
roll of toilet paper andsticking it in my underwear
(11:56):
because I was so embarrassedthat something natural happened
and I didn't want to have to askmy dad for money to go to CVS
to get feminine products becausethere's no way he was going to
go for me.
I mean, at that point I was 10years old.
I was old enough to go to thestore by myself.
(12:17):
Yes, in the 80s we used to dothat A 10-year-old would walk
outside and go to the pharmacyby herself.
That was completely normal.
Probably not in today's day andage, but back in 1988, it was.
And I remember when I finallydid tell him I started crying
(12:39):
and then he made me feel ashamedfor that, for not being honest
and straightforward, and youknow, feeling ashamed of being a
girl.
So I was constantly in thislose-lose situation Something
natural that occurs in everygirl turning into a young woman,
(13:01):
into a teen.
So, as you can see, I had tofigure this stuff out myself.
It wasn't until I got a littlebit older and I was with someone
, dating someone who.
We got into an argument and hejust looked at me.
I might've shared this onanother episode.
(13:23):
He looked at me and said, ohgosh, it's like dating a man.
And it was the first time I hadever heard anyone say that to
me and I remember looking at him.
At this point, of course, I hadembraced I was in my early
twenties.
I had embraced being morefeminine, wearing makeup, doing
doing certain things that weculturally assign to women, and
(13:48):
I remember him saying that and Iwas so confused because I
didn't understand what he meant.
What did you mean that datingme is like dating another man?
And it was because I lived inso much of my masculine energy
and that is because of the waythat I was raised.
(14:10):
I had a hard time trustingpeople because of things like
being really badly injured as achild and being left to my own
devices to figure it out.
How am I going to heal and carefor myself as an eight-year-old
and then being thrown around ina karate school and being told
(14:32):
to make sure that I didn't looktoo pretty because my dad didn't
want boys looking at me in thekarate school or not being
allowed to wear certain thingsbecause I looked too girly.
It wasn't because of safetyreasons or being looked at a
certain way by men.
It was really more just aboutnot being looked at as a girl.
(14:55):
Period that may be a part ofwhat my father's motivation was,
but really it was just aboutbeating the girl out of me
literally and then feelingashamed of myself for going
through puberty.
We didn't even have the talkabout the birds and the bees.
(15:15):
I got a book about humanbiology for Christmas one year,
maybe when I was eight or nineyears old.
That's how my fathercommunicated to me about the
birds and the bees and sex.
It is a miracle that I made alot of the choices I did as a
(15:39):
young girl and as a teen and Iending a relationship when I was
15 years old because the boywanted to have sex and I wasn't
ready and he kept trying topressure me and I said no and he
eventually cheated on me.
(16:00):
Imagine I'm 15 years old, firstboyfriend, and because I didn't
want to give up my virginity,this boy went and had sex with
another girl that I went toschool with.
I went to St Catherine'sAcademy in the Bronx, he went to
Mount St Michael and he sleptwith another girl who was an
(16:22):
acquaintance.
I knew who she was.
I saw their body languagestanding at the bus stop.
They used to take the same busfrom the corner where his train
let out.
So you know, if you don't know,new York City, there's public
transportation.
There's buses and trains and,depending on where you live and
where you have to go, sometimesyou take a train to a bus or a
(16:45):
bus to a train, and so he wouldtake the train and get off right
near where I lived.
So I would sometimes wait forhim on the corner just to say hi
, bullshit.
For a few minutes before hisbus came, and then he would get
on the bus and go home.
I mean, if that is not, pick meenergy right there that I'm
(17:05):
demonstrating because I had nofucking self-esteem or
self-worth.
I don't know what it is.
Let me make sure I can.
Time getting out of schoolwalking to the corner so I could
catch him for five minutes andget a crumb.
But again, I didn't know anybetter.
I was only 13, 14, 15 years old, and so I don't let this boy
(17:26):
take my virginity from me.
So he goes and does what heneeds to go.
Do I find out?
And I end it.
And he showed up at my house,ring the doorbell, boogers
dripping down his face with astupid little ass teddy bear.
My mom answers the door andhe's like is Tiana home?
And my mom says um, and I'mscreaming from the kitchen.
(17:48):
Tell him I'm not home.
Obviously he could hear me, soI did that for dramatic effect,
but I wanted him to know that Ididn't want to see him or talk
to him.
And my mom slammed the door inhis face after taking the teddy
bear and the chocolates orwhatever he had, and we moved to
Westchester.
After that I trusted myself backwhen I was 15.
(18:19):
I made worse mistakes as I gotolder and found my way back to
being the strong, soft, feminine, but powerful.
No nonsense, no bullshit girl.
I needed to be no nonsense, nobullshit girl.
I needed to be through allthese different stages of my
life, because imagine howpowerful that little girl could
have been had she been allowedto embrace the things God gave
her, the natural parts of her,the things that she was born
(18:41):
with, and integrating thetoughness, integrating being
able to defend myself, beingaround boys, but knowing how to
act, being used as an examplefor other girls to defend
themselves and protectthemselves, and not as bait in
an example.
You see how that's different.
(19:06):
I know I went all over the placein this episode, but this has
been heavy on my heart thisstory about my injury in the car
door because I thought about ita couple weeks back and I
shared it with a friend and theywere appalled, completely
appalled at the way I wastreated when I was eight years
old.
So, yeah, it's been a roughroad, having to learn how to
(19:31):
trust people, having to learnhow to ask for help, because
when you're eight years old andyou're fishing through the
freezer looking for ice cubes byyourself because nobody wants
you, you become hyperindependent really fast.
I have learned to forgive myparents for the mistakes that
(19:56):
they made at the time, but Idon't know if I'll ever really
fully recover from asking myselfthe question why did that
happen?
Why did my dad want me to besomething else so badly back
(20:18):
then?
And why didn't anyone else anyother fucking adult in the
scenario step up for me andadvocate for me?
Was everyone really that afraidof him?
I can't even answer thatquestion because I only know the
experience through myeight-year-old eyes, through my
eight-year-old lens.
So, yeah, I grew up aroundhaving to protect myself, at
(20:48):
what cost.
This episode maybe is not goingto give you a ton of strategy or
questions for you to askyourself, but I thought it was
important to share with youbecause everything that happens
(21:08):
in your past is a contributionto who you are today Everything.
I am so lucky that eventuallymy mom did step up and fight for
us and she did everything shepossibly could to intervene, to
(21:30):
be a part of my life and tonurture me.
I think her delivery was harshand I know that her anger
towards my father probablymessed that up for her, because
she always had great intentions.
(21:50):
She really did go very far formy brother and for me to make
sure that we changed ourbehavior, changed our language,
understood right from wrong, hadmorals right from wrong, had
(22:12):
morals and learned better values, because we weren't getting
that with our father.
He wasn't around.
We were being raised by hisgirlfriend, who was also
probably not qualified oremotionally equipped to do that.
If you follow me on social mediaor if you know me on social
media, or if you know mepersonally, or if you are one of
my clients and you've everthought to yourself anything
(22:36):
about the way that I presentmyself to the world and how I
take care of myself and how softand feminine I can be.
I get my hair done religiously,I take care of my skin, I get
my nails done, I get massage.
I pamper the shit out of myself.
I treat myself better thananyone else is ever going to
(22:56):
treat me, no question, and I dothat because there was a lot to
make up as a kid.
There was a lot that I didn'tget when I was younger, and I'm
not going to sit around and waitfor somebody else to do those
things for me.
I can do that for myself and Ihave no regrets.
(23:18):
I don't question anything orblink an eye.
I want to get my hair done,let's do it.
I want to get Botox, let's doit.
I want to go spend money on aluxury vacation or rent a
convertible or do all sorts ofthings for my upcoming brand
launch.
I'm doing it.
I don't care how much it costs,and I hope that for you, it
(23:41):
doesn't take such extremeexperiences for you to learn how
to love yourself, but lovingyourself, giving back to
yourself, caring for yourself,witnessing yourself and being
kind to yourself.
Again, I know this episodedidn't have a lot of resources
(24:02):
or education behind it.
This was much more of apersonal word blob, but this is
an important story and I willleave you with a question to
think about.
Where do you find the line tobe between showing up for
(24:26):
yourself, being tough, beingstrong and also being kind and
gentle to yourself?
And can you do that dance?
And can you do it comfortably,because it's the right dose of
everything together?
It's both, and it doesn't haveto ever be either or.
(24:52):
If you've made it this far inthe episode, I appreciate you.
I appreciate you more than youknow.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you found this episodeentertaining, educational,
informational orthought-provoking, please let me
know.
You can send me a text.
If you check the show notes, itcomes right to me.
(25:12):
It's anonymous and I willrespond in an upcoming episode.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I really appreciate you.
I will catch you on the nextone.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Ijust want to say thank you so
much for being here On thisepisode.
I want just want to say thankyou so much for being here On
(00:54):
this episode.
I want to explore tough lovewith you, and I promised when I
set out to create this podcastand cultivate a community and
develop connection with you.
I did make a promise at thebeginning of this process to
share stories, particularly frommy past, particularly from my
upbringing that posed a lot ofobstacles and challenges and
(01:16):
shaped me into becoming theperson I once was and also the
person that I am today.
The person I once was and alsothe person that I am today.
As you know, I believe thateven when we shed our skin and
move forward into a new level orwe grow, we never fully abandon
(01:37):
the old versions of ourself,and so on today's episode, I
want to explore this idea abouttough love, and where do we
establish the boundary or wheredo we see the threshold for when
tough love turns into abuse?
(02:00):
If this is something that maytrigger you, then you may not
want to listen to this episode.
For me, this is something Iwanted to dive into headfirst
because, as a child, Iexperienced different things
(02:22):
that, from today's viewpoint,would be classified as abuse and
treated differently in 2025than it was in the 80s.
Before I continue, I want youto know that I did a lot of soul
searching before I chose to hitthe record button and if you
(02:45):
know me on a personal level andyou have questions when you see
me, do not be afraid to approachme.
Of course, time and place, butanything that I share on this
show is fair game.
That is a promise that I maketo my listeners.
(03:06):
That is a promise that I madeto you.
That is a promise that I havemade to myself, because it is
through sharing theseexperiences that we can come
together.
I may be repeating some thingsfrom episodes one and two, so
please forgive me.
When I was very small, myparents split up and my father
(03:27):
took me and my brother andbasically just disappeared.
My mom eventually found us.
She put up a fight it was abattle she was not going to win
until she got a lawyer and tookmy dad to court and we did this
whole court case thing and wewould see her on weekends.
(03:47):
My dad had full custody.
He had a live-in girlfriend andI don't think the girlfriend
was particularly fond of us.
She was always very neutral,not the warmest person, not very
affectionate, not very nice,and as an adult woman now I look
(04:09):
back on some of the energy thatI remember from that time, from
the age of about.
I remember her from the age ofabout six or seven until I was
around 10 or 11.
And you know what, if I was inher shoes, I probably wouldn't
be the nicest person either.
My dad was running around townwith other women.
(04:32):
He had a really bad reputationand she probably didn't sign up
to be a stay-at-home girlfriendraising someone else's children.
But here she was and there wasone day in particular where we
went to the mall and we didn'tshe didn't drive, so sometimes
(04:53):
we walked there and other timesher friend would pick us up Now
I'm about seven or eight at thistime and when we parked the car
in the mall we go to get out ofthe car, I was sitting in the
rear passenger side and as I'mclosing the door and I go to
(05:17):
walk away, I'm stuck.
I turn and look and my leftthumb was locked in the door.
I had slammed the door on mythumb.
This was an older car.
There was no remote to clickthe door, lock or unlock.
You had to use a key to unlockone of the front doors and then
(05:40):
reach and pull the lock up fromthe inside.
Reach and pull the lock up fromthe inside.
So I'm screaming, looking at mythumb turning blue, knowing
that it's going to hurt likeholy hell when I get this door
open.
But we need to get my thumb outof the door.
(06:02):
So eventually we get it out, Iof ice, and we continue to shop
in the mall.
So I'm a little kid with abasically black, pulsing thumb
at this point, walking aroundthe mall with my dad's
girlfriend, my brother who'syounger than me, and my dad's
(06:24):
girlfriend's friend, this otherwoman, and thinking back now,
they probably were only in their20s, maybe like 25, 26.
They were younger than my dadand we're walking around the
mall with a cup of ice, with mythumb in the ice.
I'm dying.
(06:44):
I'm in so much pain and I'mbeing told I'm a baby, I'm
overreacting.
It's not that big of a deal.
Probably should have went tothe emergency room but we didn't
and unfortunately for me.
I was told to toughen up and todeal with it.
(07:07):
I was not given any care noaspirin, no Tylenol, no more ice
.
After that, one cup of icemelted and I'm a kid and I
basically did not sleep for twodays, had to go to school the
next day, dying in pain,literally dying in pain.
I was so lucky that it was atleast my left hand and I
(07:31):
remember.
Eventually the pain subsided ittook about two days and my
thumb, the whole thumb, turnedpurplish black in color.
It was full of some type offluid blood, pus, whatever you
name it.
Um and and eventually it burstand it was pretty nasty when it
(07:58):
burst, actually, and probably acouple weeks later the nail fell
off and it grew back.
Now I'm lucky I didn't break myfinger and the nail grew back.
The nail is actually a littlecrooked.
And then when I go to get mynails done whoever's doing my
(08:19):
nails if it's a different person.
They always make a commentabout how my left thumb is
crooked, and that's because ofthat accident and I thought
about this story a couple weeksago and I fell apart.
It was one of the things that Ichose to forget.
Now, at some point I don't knowwhere in the process my dad
(08:44):
found out, because obviously heeventually came home from work
and he barely comforted me and Ijust powered through because I
didn't want anyone to think Iwas weak.
I didn't want anyone to see mecrying Meanwhile.
I'm sure they heard me crying,but I was in a lot of pain and I
(09:08):
think back now to what I wouldhave done with my daughter had
that happened, and I know that Iwould have acted very
differently.
That was really difficult toreflect on because it made me
(09:28):
feel like why didn't anybodyadvocate for me?
And I think that because of thetiming of the injury when it
occurred, it was on a weekendthat I was with my father, so a
week later when I did see my mom, she was concerned about it,
but I was already on the upswingand feeling better.
(09:50):
It wasn't throbbing as much andI remember her being concerned
about it and I do remember herand my dad having a little bit
of a spat about it.
They really disliked each otherat the time.
Could you imagine having aneight-year-old daughter and just
(10:11):
telling them to toughen up,yeah, to toughen up, yeah.
And there were so many otherstories just like that.
You know, being the daughter ofa black belt who owned a karate
school, being used as like thetest subject, being thrown
(10:32):
around, being used to make anexample of, I was constantly
being embarrassed, belittled andbasically the little girl in me
got beaten out.
I was so ashamed ever of likeshowing my emotions or being
(10:53):
feminine in any sort of way.
I remember seeing my twincousins.
I have twin cousins that arefour years older than me and I
adored them when I was littlebecause whenever I was allowed
to have a sleepover with them,they would treat me like a doll
and play with my hair and putnail polish on me and put
(11:15):
lipstick on me and put me indresses and shoes, and I didn't
get any of that.
Living with my dad, in fact, Irecall him telling my aunt that
like he hated that shit and hewanted them to stop doing that
because he didn't like it, andall it was was me celebrating
(11:35):
the girl inside.
I was so ashamed of being afemale as a kid that when I got
my period for the first time, Itried to hide it from him.
For about four or five days Iwas bundling up basically half a
roll of toilet paper andsticking it in my underwear
(11:56):
because I was so embarrassedthat something natural happened
and I didn't want to have to askmy dad for money to go to CVS
to get feminine products becausethere's no way he was going to
go for me.
I mean, at that point I was 10years old.
I was old enough to go to thestore by myself.
(12:17):
Yes, in the 80s we used to dothat A 10-year-old would walk
outside and go to the pharmacyby herself.
That was completely normal.
Probably not in today's day andage, but back in 1988, it was.
And I remember when I finallydid tell him I started crying
(12:39):
and then he made me feel ashamedfor that, for not being honest
and straightforward, and youknow, feeling ashamed of being a
girl.
So I was constantly in thislose-lose situation Something
natural that occurs in everygirl turning into a young woman,
(13:01):
into a teen.
So, as you can see, I had tofigure this stuff out myself.
It wasn't until I got a littlebit older and I was with someone
, dating someone who.
We got into an argument and hejust looked at me.
I might've shared this onanother episode.
(13:23):
He looked at me and said, ohgosh, it's like dating a man.
And it was the first time I hadever heard anyone say that to
me and I remember looking at him.
At this point, of course, I hadembraced I was in my early
twenties.
I had embraced being morefeminine, wearing makeup, doing
doing certain things that weculturally assign to women, and
(13:48):
I remember him saying that and Iwas so confused because I
didn't understand what he meant.
What did you mean that datingme is like dating another man?
And it was because I lived inso much of my masculine energy
and that is because of the waythat I was raised.
(14:10):
I had a hard time trustingpeople because of things like
being really badly injured as achild and being left to my own
devices to figure it out.
How am I going to heal and carefor myself as an eight-year-old
and then being thrown around ina karate school and being told
(14:32):
to make sure that I didn't looktoo pretty because my dad didn't
want boys looking at me in thekarate school or not being
allowed to wear certain thingsbecause I looked too girly.
It wasn't because of safetyreasons or being looked at a
certain way by men.
It was really more just aboutnot being looked at as a girl.
(14:55):
Period that may be a part ofwhat my father's motivation was,
but really it was just aboutbeating the girl out of me
literally and then feelingashamed of myself for going
through puberty.
We didn't even have the talkabout the birds and the bees.
(15:15):
I got a book about humanbiology for Christmas one year,
maybe when I was eight or nineyears old.
That's how my fathercommunicated to me about the
birds and the bees and sex.
It is a miracle that I made alot of the choices I did as a
(15:39):
young girl and as a teen and Iending a relationship when I was
15 years old because the boywanted to have sex and I wasn't
ready and he kept trying topressure me and I said no and he
eventually cheated on me.
(16:00):
Imagine I'm 15 years old, firstboyfriend, and because I didn't
want to give up my virginity,this boy went and had sex with
another girl that I went toschool with.
I went to St Catherine'sAcademy in the Bronx, he went to
Mount St Michael and he sleptwith another girl who was an
(16:22):
acquaintance.
I knew who she was.
I saw their body languagestanding at the bus stop.
They used to take the same busfrom the corner where his train
let out.
So you know, if you don't know,new York City, there's public
transportation.
There's buses and trains and,depending on where you live and
where you have to go, sometimesyou take a train to a bus or a
(16:45):
bus to a train, and so he wouldtake the train and get off right
near where I lived.
So I would sometimes wait forhim on the corner just to say hi
, bullshit.
For a few minutes before hisbus came, and then he would get
on the bus and go home.
I mean, if that is not, pick meenergy right there that I'm
(17:05):
demonstrating because I had nofucking self-esteem or
self-worth.
I don't know what it is.
Let me make sure I can.
Time getting out of schoolwalking to the corner so I could
catch him for five minutes andget a crumb.
But again, I didn't know anybetter.
I was only 13, 14, 15 years old, and so I don't let this boy
(17:26):
take my virginity from me.
So he goes and does what heneeds to go.
Do I find out?
And I end it.
And he showed up at my house,ring the doorbell, boogers
dripping down his face with astupid little ass teddy bear.
My mom answers the door andhe's like is Tiana home?
And my mom says um, and I'mscreaming from the kitchen.
(17:48):
Tell him I'm not home.
Obviously he could hear me, soI did that for dramatic effect,
but I wanted him to know that Ididn't want to see him or talk
to him.
And my mom slammed the door inhis face after taking the teddy
bear and the chocolates orwhatever he had, and we moved to
Westchester.
After that I trusted myself backwhen I was 15.
(18:19):
I made worse mistakes as I gotolder and found my way back to
being the strong, soft, feminine, but powerful.
No nonsense, no bullshit girl.
I needed to be no nonsense, nobullshit girl.
I needed to be through allthese different stages of my
life, because imagine howpowerful that little girl could
have been had she been allowedto embrace the things God gave
her, the natural parts of her,the things that she was born
(18:41):
with, and integrating thetoughness, integrating being
able to defend myself, beingaround boys, but knowing how to
act, being used as an examplefor other girls to defend
themselves and protectthemselves, and not as bait in
an example.
You see how that's different.
(19:06):
I know I went all over the placein this episode, but this has
been heavy on my heart thisstory about my injury in the car
door because I thought about ita couple weeks back and I
shared it with a friend and theywere appalled, completely
appalled at the way I wastreated when I was eight years
old.
So, yeah, it's been a roughroad, having to learn how to
(19:31):
trust people, having to learnhow to ask for help, because
when you're eight years old andyou're fishing through the
freezer looking for ice cubes byyourself because nobody wants
you, you become hyperindependent really fast.
I have learned to forgive myparents for the mistakes that
(19:56):
they made at the time, but Idon't know if I'll ever really
fully recover from asking myselfthe question why did that
happen?
Why did my dad want me to besomething else so badly back
(20:18):
then?
And why didn't anyone else anyother fucking adult in the
scenario step up for me andadvocate for me?
Was everyone really that afraidof him?
I can't even answer thatquestion because I only know the
experience through myeight-year-old eyes, through my
eight-year-old lens.
So, yeah, I grew up aroundhaving to protect myself, at
(20:48):
what cost.
This episode maybe is not goingto give you a ton of strategy or
questions for you to askyourself, but I thought it was
important to share with youbecause everything that happens
(21:08):
in your past is a contributionto who you are today Everything.
I am so lucky that eventuallymy mom did step up and fight for
us and she did everything shepossibly could to intervene, to
(21:30):
be a part of my life and tonurture me.
I think her delivery was harshand I know that her anger
towards my father probablymessed that up for her, because
she always had great intentions.
(21:50):
She really did go very far formy brother and for me to make
sure that we changed ourbehavior, changed our language,
understood right from wrong, hadmorals right from wrong, had
(22:12):
morals and learned better values, because we weren't getting
that with our father.
He wasn't around.
We were being raised by hisgirlfriend, who was also
probably not qualified oremotionally equipped to do that.
If you follow me on social mediaor if you know me on social
media, or if you know mepersonally, or if you are one of
my clients and you've everthought to yourself anything
(22:36):
about the way that I presentmyself to the world and how I
take care of myself and how softand feminine I can be.
I get my hair done religiously,I take care of my skin, I get
my nails done, I get massage.
I pamper the shit out of myself.
I treat myself better thananyone else is ever going to
(22:56):
treat me, no question, and I dothat because there was a lot to
make up as a kid.
There was a lot that I didn'tget when I was younger, and I'm
not going to sit around and waitfor somebody else to do those
things for me.
I can do that for myself and Ihave no regrets.
(23:18):
I don't question anything orblink an eye.
I want to get my hair done,let's do it.
I want to get Botox, let's doit.
I want to go spend money on aluxury vacation or rent a
convertible or do all sorts ofthings for my upcoming brand
launch.
I'm doing it.
I don't care how much it costs,and I hope that for you, it
(23:41):
doesn't take such extremeexperiences for you to learn how
to love yourself, but lovingyourself, giving back to
yourself, caring for yourself,witnessing yourself and being
kind to yourself.
Again, I know this episodedidn't have a lot of resources
(24:02):
or education behind it.
This was much more of apersonal word blob, but this is
an important story and I willleave you with a question to
think about.
Where do you find the line tobe between showing up for
(24:26):
yourself, being tough, beingstrong and also being kind and
gentle to yourself?
And can you do that dance?
And can you do it comfortably,because it's the right dose of
everything together?
It's both, and it doesn't haveto ever be either or.
(24:52):
If you've made it this far inthe episode, I appreciate you.
I appreciate you more than youknow.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you found this episodeentertaining, educational,
informational orthought-provoking, please let me
know.
You can send me a text.
If you check the show notes, itcomes right to me.
(25:12):
It's anonymous and I willrespond in an upcoming episode.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I really appreciate you.
I will catch you on the nextone.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!