July 21, 2025 • 25 mins
Have you ever felt like you don't quite belong anywhere? That feeling has followed me throughout my entire life as a Nuyorican with a distinctly Hispanic last name but without the language skills to match.
My journey with cultural identity began in childhood, where my Puerto Rican parents made the difficult choice not to teach me Spanish—a decision rooted in their desire to protect me from the discrimination they had faced. "We want to make sure that you do not face as much racism as we have," they told me when I asked why we didn't speak Spanish at home. This well-intentioned protection created a disconnect that followed me into adulthood.
School environments only magnified this sense of displacement. In the Bronx, kids called me "Blondie" because of my appearance, while in Westchester County, I faced different challenges, including being falsely accused of being an undercover narcotics officer by other students of color.
Now in my forties, I'm embarking on a deliberate journey to reclaim parts of my heritage through language immersion, committing to daily Spanish practice despite having tried and failed before. This path has led me to three powerful questions that might help you explore your own identity - tune in for more.
What parts of your identity are you reconnecting with?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode we're going to dive
into the topic of identity,particularly cultural identity,
(00:49):
and by the end of this show, youwill walk away with a few
questions that you cancontemplate, reflect and journal
upon.
Now, why am I bringing this up?
Well, I got to tell you thatthe story of my life has always
been that I never really feltlike I fit in anywhere.
I couldn't find a group or anidentity, a cultural surrounding
(01:11):
that I fully felt reflectedmyself or that I fit into.
Now, being in my forties, maybethat's not such a big deal.
Maybe that's not such a bigdeal, but when you're a little
kid, it's everything.
And when you're made fun of forhaving a certain type of name
(01:36):
and not really fitting the moldand being made fun of
extensively, it's fucking huge.
So let's just get it out on thetable right now I am not fluent
in Spanish and I am what wecall a Nuyorican.
My background is Puerto Rican.
Both of my parents are PuertoRican.
I was born here and I was notraised in a bilingual home, so I
(02:00):
have one of the most Hispaniclast names ever.
So I have one of the mostHispanic last names ever,
gonzalez and yet there arethings about me that don't quite
fit the traditional definition,and I'm going to be straight up
with you.
We're going to go right for thekill in this episode.
The reason why I don't speakSpanish fluently yes, as an
(02:22):
adult I take full responsibility, but the reason why I wasn't
brought up in a bilingual homeis because of internalized
racism.
What the fuck am I talkingabout?
Well, let me explain.
In the 50s, massive groups ofpeople left the island of Puerto
(02:44):
Rico to come to mainlandAmerica, to the United States,
for opportunity, for a betterlife, and somewhere during that
time, the idea of trying to fitin, of trying to blend, of just
not raising any more flags thanwere already being raised, was
(03:08):
something that really becamefundamental for my dad.
Now, my dad, I believe, wasborn in New York.
He was not born in the islandof Puerto Rico.
His older siblings were, but hewas born here.
But this idea of fitting in, ofblending, of not being so Puerto
(03:31):
Rican, of not sounding ignorant, now, mind you, these are the
things that were spoken in theprivacy of our home.
I'm not saying that these aretrue or real for everyone else.
This is my truth that Iexperienced and the stories that
were shared with me behindclosed doors in the privacy of
(03:52):
our own home.
And, as a result of it, when Istarted to get older and I asked
my parents why they haven'ttaught me Spanish or why I
wasn't speaking Spanish, both mymother and my father, already
separated, going through adivorce at the time said we want
to make sure that you do notface as much racism as we have.
(04:16):
So when you are applying forscholarships for college and
when you are at your first jobor when you're being interviewed
, that people are not going totreat you differently because
they think that you are acertain type of person or that
your intelligence is at acertain level because you may or
(04:37):
may not have a bit of an accent.
So there was really no slangspoken in the walls of my home
when I was a kid we were notallowed.
I literally would get my assbeat.
But outside, of course, when Iwas with my friends, especially
for the years when I lived inthe Bronx, it was a little bit
(04:59):
more relaxed.
But within the walls of my homeit was not.
We were very proper.
It was almost so far gone.
It was a joke and my brotherand I would joke about it when
nobody else was around, abouthow strict it was with the words
we were not allowed to say orthe intonations we were not
allowed to use, and that wasbecause my mother was trying to
(05:23):
drill in a certain type ofbehavior.
Now, of course, I took Spanishin school and there were moments
in my teen years and in myyoung adult life where I was
just starting to get morecomfortable putting myself out
there and trying.
When I was 14 and 15 years oldI was still living in the Bronx
(05:47):
and I had a friend who wouldspeak to me in Spanish and,
truth be told, in the beginningof our friendship I used to
pretend I understood what shewas saying and I would nod and
then just say what and ask herto repeat herself, because I
would pretend I didn't hear her,but what I was actually doing
was translating in my head.
But then we moved and we movedto a place where there were not
(06:09):
a lot of Spanish speaking peoplewhere I could practice with.
I also had a ballet teacher whohad the same last name as me
and she would sometimes practicewith me after class never
during class because she didn'twant the other students to think
we were being rude or notinclusive, but she would
(06:33):
practice with me before andafter class and she was from
Mexico, super sweet lady.
She got me out of my shell inmany ways, including on the
dance floor and then also withmy language.
I always remember her.
The one thing I remember abouther too, side note is she was
(06:54):
very muscular for a ballerina,very thin, long limbs, but very
fit and toned.
And I found out that she usedto lift weights, which of course
, I loved.
But going back to me, yes, at acertain point in life it falls
(07:15):
on me, it's my responsibility,it's on my shoulders.
But as a baby, those are thebest years of your life to
absorb language.
Baby, those are the best yearsof your life to absorb language,
multiple languages, and not getthem confused and not sound
ignorant, and to speak both orall of them well, but I missed
(07:36):
that window and I missed thatopportunity.
There was a period of timewhere my father felt like racism
, particularly against Latinos,was at an all-time high.
He was denied a job because hislast name is Gonzalez.
He would apply for certainthings in college and he was
(07:59):
denied and he truly believed hewas qualified, but it was
because of his last name or hisheritage.
How true that is, I don't know,but it is not an unbelievable
story or an exaggerated story.
So here I am now.
It's 2025, I'm almost 47 yearsold and I've done this before.
(08:24):
I'm almost 47 years old andI've done this before, but I'm
recommitting to immersing myselfin Spanish every single day.
Let's just add it to the list,because I don't have enough to
do, right, and then practicingwith anyone I know around me.
That is not going to make funof me.
(08:46):
Now I will say and this is kindof mean, but it's the truth
when I was taking Spanishlessons and I did try to
practice with my mom, she wouldalways laugh at me, and I think
(09:08):
that I don't think she wastrying to be mean.
I think she was just sosurprised at how I was really
trying and the Spanish I learnedin school is not the same
Spanish she grew up with, sosome of the words were different
.
And I think, looking back,knowing the situation in our
(09:34):
home at the time, she was undera lot of stress.
She was in a very stressfulsituation with her job.
She was a personal trainer, shewas teaching aerobics classes,
her and my stepdad were tryingto conceive, so there was a lot
going on and I don't think shehad the patience for it.
I wish that she didn't laugh atme, because it definitely
(10:01):
discouraged me from ever wantingto try again and I actually
feel badly for sharing this, butit's true.
It's what happened multipletimes.
By the way, I have triedrecording this episode at least
four times.
All the sirens are out.
When I got to eighth grade andthe first part of high school, I
(10:44):
lived in the Bronx and I didn'tfit in there either.
Definitely did not fit inbecause I didn't speak Spanish
and I am white passing, so thekids in school used to call me
Blondie am white passing, so thekids in school used to call me
Blondie.
And then, when we moved toWestchester, it was even worse
(11:08):
because I was in all AP andhonor roll classes and the only
small group of diverse studentsin that school that I went to in
Northern Westchester Countylived in a group home.
And what really sucked is thata couple of them accused me of
(11:29):
being a narc.
They thought, okay, anybodyfrom the 80s listening you might
remember the show 21 JumpStreet, listening you might
remember the show 21 Jump Streethow these adult plainclothes
detectives would go into, liketeen schools and college
campuses to try to bust drugdealers and gangs and all sorts
of shit.
(11:50):
Yeah, I remember theirringleader.
She will remain nameless butshe went around and told
everyone in the school that Iwas an undercover narc and not
to talk to me and not to trustme.
So I really had a hard timebecause not only was I in a new
(12:10):
school, new environment, wentfrom an all girls Catholic
school where we wore a uniformwhich was big, to a small co-ed
wear your own clothes soeverybody could see what you
have or don't have and try tomake friends and no one wanted
to talk to me.
And again, feeling this is myexperience feeling like I was
(12:33):
too white for the brown kids andthat I was too brown for the
white kids.
I also was not a jock because Ididn't play sports and I wasn't
really a music theater nerdalthough I loved music, theater
and band and chorus.
That wasn't my only angle.
(12:53):
I had multi-dimensions to me,so I was alone a lot.
And here I am now at this ageimmersing myself in listening to
Spanish every single day.
Sometimes it's a podcast,sometimes it's watching a video,
(13:15):
and really input is the bestway to learn a language, not the
traditional way, not using anapp, not practicing phrases that
you're never going to use inreal world applications, but
listening to conversation andinputting it, just absorbing it
(13:36):
and listening.
And the thing that's cool iswith videos, you can see
pictures or demonstrations ofwhat the people are talking
about.
With a podcast, you have toreally, really listen and try
not to watch the um, what's theword, closed captions or
(13:57):
transcripts, but really just sitand immerse yourself in the
language.
Now I have a language artsteacher as one of my besties and
he put me on to a few resourcesthat were free and then he said
you know, immersing yourself inthe language is truly the best
way to improve your skills andthen you just got to get out
(14:19):
there and practice.
You got to find people that youcan just practice with and tell
them where you're at, tell themyou're learning, tell them
you're a beginner and that youwant to get better, and
hopefully they can be kind andpatient and give you that
courtesy and grace.
But it still doesn't help withthe identity part, right,
(14:42):
because at least, speaking thelanguage, yes, you'll feel a
little bit closer to who you arein your ancestry, who you are
when it relates to the blood inyour veins, but who you identify
with is something you have tofeel.
(15:05):
So the first question for you isis my identity, my current
identity?
Is it something I feel stronglyconnected to, or is it
something that I've been told tofeel strongly connected to?
It is a learned sort of thingthat is, this is who you are.
(15:27):
Take it or leave it, becausethat's a different vibe.
I will tell you, it reallygrinds my gears when people ask
me what my background is,because it means nothing.
I didn't grow up in the typicalfashion or in a stereotypical
(15:51):
fashion like other people ofother cultures.
Is there an influence?
Of course, but it's not allthat there is.
So I really hate it whensomebody brand new asks me where
you're from, what's yourbackground?
What are you?
Nine times out of 10, I say I'mAmerican, because that is the
(16:15):
truth.
That is the truth.
That's a complicated questionwith a very complicated answer
that maybe a stranger does notdeserve the privilege of having
or of knowing about me Right Now.
The second question how has myidentity evolved over time?
(16:39):
This one is something that Ihad to sit with and think about.
I remember going to visit mydad in prison and realizing,
particularly as the years wenton, that he had circled back and
gotten much closer to his roots, because it was a form of
(17:06):
connection, a form of connectionto the past, a form of
connection to his culture andhis people and his childhood and
upbringing.
And I think that lends itselfto a very common trend where, as
we start to get older, we startto think about things like our
(17:28):
upbringing or the home we grewup in.
What was it like, what was theenvironment like, what did it
smell like?
Remember when we were kids andwe used to do this or remember
that time.
And you have the stories.
And, of course, as we get older, what happens?
People we love pass on, theymove on to the afterlife, so
(17:53):
there's a rekindling of thesestories that come back up to the
surface.
They bubble up Memories, photos, memorabilia, things like
clothing, t-shirts, concerttickets, things that remind us
of past events, stories,circumstances, people, things,
(18:14):
things.
And there's a vibe there too,thinking about that.
Has your identity molded,morphed, has your identity
changed?
I think it's natural that itwill, and has and does and
continues to evolve.
Now the last question are thereparts of my family history or
(18:42):
genetic ancestry that I want toexplore further?
For me, the language is a hugepiece where I can feel much more
connected and immersed to myroots, to my roots.
(19:03):
Now, I don't know a ton aboutmy family tree, especially on my
mom's side, because she did notmeet her father.
So I know about him, I've seena photo or two, but I don't
really know much.
And on my dad's side I knowsome of it and on my dad's side
(19:24):
I know some of it and I thinkthat immersing myself I love
that word immersion, immersion Ijust think about like floating
in a pool of water.
Maybe it's kind of chilly andit's dark.
The water is dark and we'rejust floating in there and
(19:46):
there's some icebergs or likebig chunks of ice and we're just
floating, but it's safe, itdoesn't feel scary, it doesn't
feel dangerous, it's completelysafe and you're just immersed
and everything around you is allconnected and tied together.
That's what I feel.
That's what I experience when Ithink of the word immersion.
(20:10):
So we're going to get thislanguage thing down because I am
committed.
I have committed to this andfailed multiple times.
Maybe now is the time.
I think it would be advantageousfor me, especially in my line
(20:30):
of work where I'm working withpeople in health and wellness,
to tap into my Spanish speaking.
Right now I'm pretty book smartwith Spanish, but I feel very
shy and intimidated to practicespeaking.
So I'm going to work on theimmersion part for a long time.
(20:51):
Based on the research I've done, it will be close to maybe 300
hours of immersion, maybe 500hours of immersion before I feel
like I'm comfortable in mostconversations, maybe even
reading novels.
But I'm going to work on it.
I'm committing to 15 to 30minutes per day and that's big.
(21:17):
That's a big variance.
I think 15 minutes will be myminimum.
If I can do more great and justwork my way up little by little
.
I'm already getting better atunderstanding some of the
language and conversations thatI'm listening to and I would
encourage you to do that.
What is something that you wantto learn that you keep putting
(21:40):
off, that you keep thinkingabout?
Wouldn't it be nice?
If well, what the fuck are youwaiting for?
You're not getting younger,right?
Is it a language?
Is it a skill?
Is it some sort of hobby?
By the way, I have completelyfallen off with my painting.
I don't know if you knew thatabout me, but I decided to start
(22:03):
painting acrylic painting lastyear and a friend of mine took
me to the arts and crafts store.
I bought an easel, I boughtbrushes, I bought some paints, I
bought a bunch of canvases,different sizes and I was going
in and some of the pieces areincredible.
Considering that I intentionallychose not to take lessons or
(22:30):
get tutorials on anything, I amcompletely just diving into this
like a kid and experimentingand trying things on my own.
In fact, I got pissed off at afriend of mine the same friend
who took me to the art storebecause I painted something and
I showed him the progress and hesaid can I make a suggestion?
(22:52):
And I said no, you can't.
And he went ahead and made hissuggestion anyway and I told him
to fuck off.
Yeah, I did made his suggestionanyway and I told him to fuck
off.
Yeah, I did, because that issomebody who's trying to ruin
the joy of me experiencingfinding it myself.
If you listened to previousepisodes, you know I talk about
this a lot Finding it yourselfand then putting the puzzle
(23:16):
together or getting to theanswer, solving the riddle.
There is so much joy to beexperienced and had.
In that alone.
For somebody to rob it from youor take it away from you
absolutely sucks.
So, yeah, the painting hasfallen off a bit, but I am
committed to this show and I'mworking on a digital offer.
(23:39):
I'm dieting to take photos fordigital offer with a
professional photographer andnow I'm gonna be learning
Spanish again, plus my full-timejob.
So ya girl is busy as fuck andyou know what.
I would have it no other way.
So before we wrap this episode,let me run through the questions
(24:01):
one more time.
Hopefully you find itinteresting, insightful, what
you come up with, and they helpyou.
So the first question is is myidentity something that I feel
strongly connected to?
Question number two how has myidentity evolved over time?
(24:21):
And number three are thereparts of my family history that
I want to explore further.
Now, once you have the answersto these questions, what are you
going to do with that?
Well, that's for you to decide.
So this episode is far lessabout strategy, but much more
(24:44):
about setting you up to besuccessful in the quest, in the
search of but you get to chooseyour own adventure, and I think
that that's so empowering and soexciting.
And I think that that's soempowering and so exciting, and
I hope that you share what youcome up with with me Now.
In order to do that, you cancheck the show notes.
(25:05):
You can get in touch with me onsocial media.
You can also download anawesome free guide that I have
created.
It's a five-minute ritualbefore you get to the gym to
help you set yourself up forsuccess.
The link to download that is inthe show notes, along with
everything else.
I appreciate you being here.
(25:27):
Thank you so much for your timeand attention and, as always,
I'll catch you on the next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode we're going to dive
into the topic of identity,particularly cultural identity,
(00:49):
and by the end of this show, youwill walk away with a few
questions that you cancontemplate, reflect and journal
upon.
Now, why am I bringing this up?
Well, I got to tell you thatthe story of my life has always
been that I never really feltlike I fit in anywhere.
I couldn't find a group or anidentity, a cultural surrounding
(01:11):
that I fully felt reflectedmyself or that I fit into.
Now, being in my forties, maybethat's not such a big deal.
Maybe that's not such a bigdeal, but when you're a little
kid, it's everything.
And when you're made fun of forhaving a certain type of name
(01:36):
and not really fitting the moldand being made fun of
extensively, it's fucking huge.
So let's just get it out on thetable right now I am not fluent
in Spanish and I am what wecall a Nuyorican.
My background is Puerto Rican.
Both of my parents are PuertoRican.
I was born here and I was notraised in a bilingual home, so I
(02:00):
have one of the most Hispaniclast names ever.
So I have one of the mostHispanic last names ever,
gonzalez and yet there arethings about me that don't quite
fit the traditional definition,and I'm going to be straight up
with you.
We're going to go right for thekill in this episode.
The reason why I don't speakSpanish fluently yes, as an
(02:22):
adult I take full responsibility, but the reason why I wasn't
brought up in a bilingual homeis because of internalized
racism.
What the fuck am I talkingabout?
Well, let me explain.
In the 50s, massive groups ofpeople left the island of Puerto
(02:44):
Rico to come to mainlandAmerica, to the United States,
for opportunity, for a betterlife, and somewhere during that
time, the idea of trying to fitin, of trying to blend, of just
not raising any more flags thanwere already being raised, was
(03:08):
something that really becamefundamental for my dad.
Now, my dad, I believe, wasborn in New York.
He was not born in the islandof Puerto Rico.
His older siblings were, but hewas born here.
But this idea of fitting in, ofblending, of not being so Puerto
(03:31):
Rican, of not sounding ignorant, now, mind you, these are the
things that were spoken in theprivacy of our home.
I'm not saying that these aretrue or real for everyone else.
This is my truth that Iexperienced and the stories that
were shared with me behindclosed doors in the privacy of
(03:52):
our own home.
And, as a result of it, when Istarted to get older and I asked
my parents why they haven'ttaught me Spanish or why I
wasn't speaking Spanish, both mymother and my father, already
separated, going through adivorce at the time said we want
to make sure that you do notface as much racism as we have.
(04:16):
So when you are applying forscholarships for college and
when you are at your first jobor when you're being interviewed
, that people are not going totreat you differently because
they think that you are acertain type of person or that
your intelligence is at acertain level because you may or
(04:37):
may not have a bit of an accent.
So there was really no slangspoken in the walls of my home
when I was a kid we were notallowed.
I literally would get my assbeat.
But outside, of course, when Iwas with my friends, especially
for the years when I lived inthe Bronx, it was a little bit
(04:59):
more relaxed.
But within the walls of my homeit was not.
We were very proper.
It was almost so far gone.
It was a joke and my brotherand I would joke about it when
nobody else was around, abouthow strict it was with the words
we were not allowed to say orthe intonations we were not
allowed to use, and that wasbecause my mother was trying to
(05:23):
drill in a certain type ofbehavior.
Now, of course, I took Spanishin school and there were moments
in my teen years and in myyoung adult life where I was
just starting to get morecomfortable putting myself out
there and trying.
When I was 14 and 15 years oldI was still living in the Bronx
(05:47):
and I had a friend who wouldspeak to me in Spanish and,
truth be told, in the beginningof our friendship I used to
pretend I understood what shewas saying and I would nod and
then just say what and ask herto repeat herself, because I
would pretend I didn't hear her,but what I was actually doing
was translating in my head.
But then we moved and we movedto a place where there were not
(06:09):
a lot of Spanish speaking peoplewhere I could practice with.
I also had a ballet teacher whohad the same last name as me
and she would sometimes practicewith me after class never
during class because she didn'twant the other students to think
we were being rude or notinclusive, but she would
(06:33):
practice with me before andafter class and she was from
Mexico, super sweet lady.
She got me out of my shell inmany ways, including on the
dance floor and then also withmy language.
I always remember her.
The one thing I remember abouther too, side note is she was
(06:54):
very muscular for a ballerina,very thin, long limbs, but very
fit and toned.
And I found out that she usedto lift weights, which of course
, I loved.
But going back to me, yes, at acertain point in life it falls
(07:15):
on me, it's my responsibility,it's on my shoulders.
But as a baby, those are thebest years of your life to
absorb language.
Baby, those are the best yearsof your life to absorb language,
multiple languages, and not getthem confused and not sound
ignorant, and to speak both orall of them well, but I missed
(07:36):
that window and I missed thatopportunity.
There was a period of timewhere my father felt like racism
, particularly against Latinos,was at an all-time high.
He was denied a job because hislast name is Gonzalez.
He would apply for certainthings in college and he was
(07:59):
denied and he truly believed hewas qualified, but it was
because of his last name or hisheritage.
How true that is, I don't know,but it is not an unbelievable
story or an exaggerated story.
So here I am now.
It's 2025, I'm almost 47 yearsold and I've done this before.
(08:24):
I'm almost 47 years old andI've done this before, but I'm
recommitting to immersing myselfin Spanish every single day.
Let's just add it to the list,because I don't have enough to
do, right, and then practicingwith anyone I know around me.
That is not going to make funof me.
(08:46):
Now I will say and this is kindof mean, but it's the truth
when I was taking Spanishlessons and I did try to
practice with my mom, she wouldalways laugh at me, and I think
(09:08):
that I don't think she wastrying to be mean.
I think she was just sosurprised at how I was really
trying and the Spanish I learnedin school is not the same
Spanish she grew up with, sosome of the words were different
.
And I think, looking back,knowing the situation in our
(09:34):
home at the time, she was undera lot of stress.
She was in a very stressfulsituation with her job.
She was a personal trainer, shewas teaching aerobics classes,
her and my stepdad were tryingto conceive, so there was a lot
going on and I don't think shehad the patience for it.
I wish that she didn't laugh atme, because it definitely
(10:01):
discouraged me from ever wantingto try again and I actually
feel badly for sharing this, butit's true.
It's what happened multipletimes.
By the way, I have triedrecording this episode at least
four times.
All the sirens are out.
When I got to eighth grade andthe first part of high school, I
(10:44):
lived in the Bronx and I didn'tfit in there either.
Definitely did not fit inbecause I didn't speak Spanish
and I am white passing, so thekids in school used to call me
Blondie am white passing, so thekids in school used to call me
Blondie.
And then, when we moved toWestchester, it was even worse
(11:08):
because I was in all AP andhonor roll classes and the only
small group of diverse studentsin that school that I went to in
Northern Westchester Countylived in a group home.
And what really sucked is thata couple of them accused me of
(11:29):
being a narc.
They thought, okay, anybodyfrom the 80s listening you might
remember the show 21 JumpStreet, listening you might
remember the show 21 Jump Streethow these adult plainclothes
detectives would go into, liketeen schools and college
campuses to try to bust drugdealers and gangs and all sorts
of shit.
(11:50):
Yeah, I remember theirringleader.
She will remain nameless butshe went around and told
everyone in the school that Iwas an undercover narc and not
to talk to me and not to trustme.
So I really had a hard timebecause not only was I in a new
(12:10):
school, new environment, wentfrom an all girls Catholic
school where we wore a uniformwhich was big, to a small co-ed
wear your own clothes soeverybody could see what you
have or don't have and try tomake friends and no one wanted
to talk to me.
And again, feeling this is myexperience feeling like I was
(12:33):
too white for the brown kids andthat I was too brown for the
white kids.
I also was not a jock because Ididn't play sports and I wasn't
really a music theater nerdalthough I loved music, theater
and band and chorus.
That wasn't my only angle.
(12:53):
I had multi-dimensions to me,so I was alone a lot.
And here I am now at this ageimmersing myself in listening to
Spanish every single day.
Sometimes it's a podcast,sometimes it's watching a video,
(13:15):
and really input is the bestway to learn a language, not the
traditional way, not using anapp, not practicing phrases that
you're never going to use inreal world applications, but
listening to conversation andinputting it, just absorbing it
(13:36):
and listening.
And the thing that's cool iswith videos, you can see
pictures or demonstrations ofwhat the people are talking
about.
With a podcast, you have toreally, really listen and try
not to watch the um, what's theword, closed captions or
(13:57):
transcripts, but really just sitand immerse yourself in the
language.
Now I have a language artsteacher as one of my besties and
he put me on to a few resourcesthat were free and then he said
you know, immersing yourself inthe language is truly the best
way to improve your skills andthen you just got to get out
(14:19):
there and practice.
You got to find people that youcan just practice with and tell
them where you're at, tell themyou're learning, tell them
you're a beginner and that youwant to get better, and
hopefully they can be kind andpatient and give you that
courtesy and grace.
But it still doesn't help withthe identity part, right,
(14:42):
because at least, speaking thelanguage, yes, you'll feel a
little bit closer to who you arein your ancestry, who you are
when it relates to the blood inyour veins, but who you identify
with is something you have tofeel.
(15:05):
So the first question for you isis my identity, my current
identity?
Is it something I feel stronglyconnected to, or is it
something that I've been told tofeel strongly connected to?
It is a learned sort of thingthat is, this is who you are.
(15:27):
Take it or leave it, becausethat's a different vibe.
I will tell you, it reallygrinds my gears when people ask
me what my background is,because it means nothing.
I didn't grow up in the typicalfashion or in a stereotypical
(15:51):
fashion like other people ofother cultures.
Is there an influence?
Of course, but it's not allthat there is.
So I really hate it whensomebody brand new asks me where
you're from, what's yourbackground?
What are you?
Nine times out of 10, I say I'mAmerican, because that is the
(16:15):
truth.
That is the truth.
That's a complicated questionwith a very complicated answer
that maybe a stranger does notdeserve the privilege of having
or of knowing about me Right Now.
The second question how has myidentity evolved over time?
(16:39):
This one is something that Ihad to sit with and think about.
I remember going to visit mydad in prison and realizing,
particularly as the years wenton, that he had circled back and
gotten much closer to his roots, because it was a form of
(17:06):
connection, a form of connectionto the past, a form of
connection to his culture andhis people and his childhood and
upbringing.
And I think that lends itselfto a very common trend where, as
we start to get older, we startto think about things like our
(17:28):
upbringing or the home we grewup in.
What was it like, what was theenvironment like, what did it
smell like?
Remember when we were kids andwe used to do this or remember
that time.
And you have the stories.
And, of course, as we get older, what happens?
People we love pass on, theymove on to the afterlife, so
(17:53):
there's a rekindling of thesestories that come back up to the
surface.
They bubble up Memories, photos, memorabilia, things like
clothing, t-shirts, concerttickets, things that remind us
of past events, stories,circumstances, people, things,
(18:14):
things.
And there's a vibe there too,thinking about that.
Has your identity molded,morphed, has your identity
changed?
I think it's natural that itwill, and has and does and
continues to evolve.
Now the last question are thereparts of my family history or
(18:42):
genetic ancestry that I want toexplore further?
For me, the language is a hugepiece where I can feel much more
connected and immersed to myroots, to my roots.
(19:03):
Now, I don't know a ton aboutmy family tree, especially on my
mom's side, because she did notmeet her father.
So I know about him, I've seena photo or two, but I don't
really know much.
And on my dad's side I knowsome of it and on my dad's side
(19:24):
I know some of it and I thinkthat immersing myself I love
that word immersion, immersion Ijust think about like floating
in a pool of water.
Maybe it's kind of chilly andit's dark.
The water is dark and we'rejust floating in there and
(19:46):
there's some icebergs or likebig chunks of ice and we're just
floating, but it's safe, itdoesn't feel scary, it doesn't
feel dangerous, it's completelysafe and you're just immersed
and everything around you is allconnected and tied together.
That's what I feel.
That's what I experience when Ithink of the word immersion.
(20:10):
So we're going to get thislanguage thing down because I am
committed.
I have committed to this andfailed multiple times.
Maybe now is the time.
I think it would be advantageousfor me, especially in my line
(20:30):
of work where I'm working withpeople in health and wellness,
to tap into my Spanish speaking.
Right now I'm pretty book smartwith Spanish, but I feel very
shy and intimidated to practicespeaking.
So I'm going to work on theimmersion part for a long time.
(20:51):
Based on the research I've done, it will be close to maybe 300
hours of immersion, maybe 500hours of immersion before I feel
like I'm comfortable in mostconversations, maybe even
reading novels.
But I'm going to work on it.
I'm committing to 15 to 30minutes per day and that's big.
(21:17):
That's a big variance.
I think 15 minutes will be myminimum.
If I can do more great and justwork my way up little by little
.
I'm already getting better atunderstanding some of the
language and conversations thatI'm listening to and I would
encourage you to do that.
What is something that you wantto learn that you keep putting
(21:40):
off, that you keep thinkingabout?
Wouldn't it be nice?
If well, what the fuck are youwaiting for?
You're not getting younger,right?
Is it a language?
Is it a skill?
Is it some sort of hobby?
By the way, I have completelyfallen off with my painting.
I don't know if you knew thatabout me, but I decided to start
(22:03):
painting acrylic painting lastyear and a friend of mine took
me to the arts and crafts store.
I bought an easel, I boughtbrushes, I bought some paints, I
bought a bunch of canvases,different sizes and I was going
in and some of the pieces areincredible.
Considering that I intentionallychose not to take lessons or
(22:30):
get tutorials on anything, I amcompletely just diving into this
like a kid and experimentingand trying things on my own.
In fact, I got pissed off at afriend of mine the same friend
who took me to the art storebecause I painted something and
I showed him the progress and hesaid can I make a suggestion?
(22:52):
And I said no, you can't.
And he went ahead and made hissuggestion anyway and I told him
to fuck off.
Yeah, I did made his suggestionanyway and I told him to fuck
off.
Yeah, I did, because that issomebody who's trying to ruin
the joy of me experiencingfinding it myself.
If you listened to previousepisodes, you know I talk about
this a lot Finding it yourselfand then putting the puzzle
(23:16):
together or getting to theanswer, solving the riddle.
There is so much joy to beexperienced and had.
In that alone.
For somebody to rob it from youor take it away from you
absolutely sucks.
So, yeah, the painting hasfallen off a bit, but I am
committed to this show and I'mworking on a digital offer.
(23:39):
I'm dieting to take photos fordigital offer with a
professional photographer andnow I'm gonna be learning
Spanish again, plus my full-timejob.
So ya girl is busy as fuck andyou know what.
I would have it no other way.
So before we wrap this episode,let me run through the questions
(24:01):
one more time.
Hopefully you find itinteresting, insightful, what
you come up with, and they helpyou.
So the first question is is myidentity something that I feel
strongly connected to?
Question number two how has myidentity evolved over time?
(24:21):
And number three are thereparts of my family history that
I want to explore further.
Now, once you have the answersto these questions, what are you
going to do with that?
Well, that's for you to decide.
So this episode is far lessabout strategy, but much more
(24:44):
about setting you up to besuccessful in the quest, in the
search of but you get to chooseyour own adventure, and I think
that that's so empowering and soexciting.
And I think that that's soempowering and so exciting, and
I hope that you share what youcome up with with me Now.
In order to do that, you cancheck the show notes.
(25:05):
You can get in touch with me onsocial media.
You can also download anawesome free guide that I have
created.
It's a five-minute ritualbefore you get to the gym to
help you set yourself up forsuccess.
The link to download that is inthe show notes, along with
everything else.
I appreciate you being here.
(25:27):
Thank you so much for your timeand attention and, as always,
I'll catch you on the next one.
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