May 26, 2025 • 21 mins
What happens when you finally stand up for yourself after a lifetime of putting someone else first? The moment I set my first boundary with my father changed everything between us – and within myself.
After supporting my father through 13 years of incarceration from age 12 to 25, I found myself trapped in a cycle of manipulation and guilt. Until one day, when he made a passive-aggressive comment about my gym time being more important than his needs – and something inside me snapped.
The words flew out with a ferocity that surprised us both: "That's right. My whole life I have taken care of you and now it's my turn to take care of me." For the first time, I saw fear in his eyes. This raw, emotional episode explores the exhausting journey of prison visits, collect calls, and sacrifice that led to this breaking point. I share gut-wrenching stories – like spending seven hours on public transportation for a two-hour prison visit as a teenager – and the gradual realization that this devotion wasn't reciprocal.
Growing up walking on eggshells and having my boundaries consistently violated taught me to be hypervigilant, a skill that transformed into the keen intuition I now use to connect with clients. Through this deeply personal story, I hope to inspire you to identify your own non-negotiables and find the courage to speak your truth – even when it's difficult. Because being specific about your needs and honoring your boundaries is far better than becoming a watered-down version of yourself to please everyone else.
Ready to start setting better boundaries? Tune in to discover how standing in your power can transform your relationships and reclaim your life.
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Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
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https://tiana-gonzalez.mykajabi.com/likeyoumeanit
Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode, I am going to
share with you a life-changingexperience that I had the first
(00:48):
time that I ever set a firmboundary with my father.
Now, if you've been with me forany amount of time or you've
listened to some of my earlierepisodes that I've released on
this show, I do share in episodeone and some in episode two,
about how I supported my dad for13 and a half years while he
(01:13):
was in prison, starting at theage of 12 up until I was 25
years old, and then alsosupporting him for a few years
after, when he was released onparole.
I'm going to read somethingthat I wrote, probably about two
or three years ago, in regardsto this particular event.
It is a vivid memory for mebecause I'll never forget the
(01:36):
look of shock on his face andhow our relationship dynamic did
change dramatically after thisday.
So here we go.
I'm going to read this to you,okay, I will never forget the
day that I set a boundary withmy father and he immediately
expressed his dislike of it.
He tried to make me feel guiltyabout it and then he tried to
(01:58):
gaslight me when I called himout for trying to guilt me.
It was around 2003 or 2004.
He was on parole, living withme, adjusting to the new ways of
the world and relying on me foreverything.
I understood how it came as ashock to him.
After all, I never said no andthe brief period of time when it
(02:21):
was logistically challengingfor me to get to prison to visit
him.
He certainly did not hold backin trying to scold me and punish
me, which was hilarious comingfrom a man in state prison who
continuously tried to guilt mefor his tough circumstances.
He was not the innocent victimhe constantly claimed he was to
(02:43):
me.
He manipulated everyone.
To this day, I don't know thetruth about what really happened
.
What I do know I'll never hearit from him.
When he was released on parole,he moved in with me.
I handed him a cell phone,bought him clothes and shoes,
(03:04):
turned my living room into hisbedroom and helped him get on
his feet.
The financial and emotionalstress was exhausting.
On this particular day, when Iset my boundary, I recall him
asking me to do something forhim or take him somewhere, and
(03:26):
when I said no, I can't, as Iwas bustling around the
apartment, he quickly repliedwith no hesitation and a rather
irritating tone of frustrationoh right, because you have to go
to the gym.
I snapped back sharply in hisface.
That's right, hard stop.
It was the first time he lookedat me with a little bit of fear
in his eyes.
I then continued my whole lifelife.
(03:47):
I have taken care of you andnow it's my turn to take care of
me.
13 years of jail visits andorchestrating legal
documentation, packages, letterscollect, calls, finding rides
and then living under my roof.
I was tapped out.
The air in the room feltstagnant and gritty, and it was
(04:10):
at that moment I confirmed in myheart that I was phasing out of
the abusive manipulation of his.
He was a mastermind, but Istopped gaslighting myself,
guilting myself, and started tosee the real person, who was my
father, and not the image.
It was the first of many timesthat I said no.
(04:31):
It was the first time I stoodup for the kid that who I was,
when I was not under the awningof a crusty, rundown, fragile
(04:51):
family structure.
It was the beginning ofchoosing me.
That's the end of the piecethat I wrote.
I want to take a moment andjust say first, thank you for
(05:12):
listening to that.
I struggle finding the wordsbecause I don't regret anything
I did.
I loved fiercely.
I loved so strongly.
I remember one time I must havebeen 19 years old.
I did not have my driver'slicense or a car just yet.
I was in college, but I washome for a summer break Now,
(05:35):
where I lived to where I went toschool.
It was a three-hour drive andwhere my father was in jail.
At the time it was sort ofabout a third, if not halfway,
from my home up to my school,but it was never really
convenient to stop on the waythere or back because visiting
(05:57):
hours were very strict In themaximum security prison he was
in at first I could go up thereseven days a week and as the
sentence drew on and he wastransferred to different
locations, there was always adifferent set of rules and a
different set of guidelines andstate law changed and the
mandates changed, and so as akid, I was always learning about
(06:22):
these new policies.
Now this was in the 90s, sothere was not much internet use,
and even though the internetwas more commonly used in the
late 90s, early 2000s, noteverything was on the internet
just yet.
So sometimes a place would havea website and there'd be no
(06:45):
information that was useful orupdated.
But I remember this one tripand I wanted to go see my dad
and I remember I didn't haveanyone that could drive me, so I
chose to take publictransportation.
So I took the train from thetown I lived in, four stops, to
(07:10):
the small city where I couldcatch I think it was a Greyhound
or a short line bus, a coachbus to drive up.
The bus had stops along the way, so by the time I got to the
town that I needed to get off in, it was already probably like
(07:30):
two hours in.
Then, from the bus stop, I hadto take a cab.
Now, mind you, we didn't havecell phones back then, so I had
loose change in a Ziploc bag.
I had my ID, which wasbasically my learner's permit
and my social security card, andI was just a young kid, 19, out
(07:53):
in the middle of New York Stateat this bus stop waiting for a
cab, hoping we'll make it toprison to the visiting hours
before they close, and I gotthere and probably spent about
two hours with my dad, only toturn around and do the whole
trip back in reverse, with mydad only to turn around and do
(08:17):
the whole trip back in reverse.
I think I spent close to sevenhours traveling that day to see
him for maybe two hours and Iremember getting home and just
thinking, you know, I just don'tthink he'd do this for me.
I just don't feel like that issomething he's capable of.
(08:39):
And when I think back on thingsand different experiences, I'm
struggling telling this storyand these things.
So please bear with me.
I remember being in fourth orfifth grade and I was in a
special choir performance that Ihad to audition for and it was
a conglomerate of the bestsingers from each elementary
(09:03):
school in Westchester County.
They called it All-County Choir.
I worked really hard at it andI remember he missed more than
half of the performance.
And I remember he missed morethan half of the performance and
I was devastated.
I called him out on it.
I was crying, I was so upset.
I got upset during theperformance and I tried to chill
.
And then, of course, afterwardsI said you know, I saw you come
(09:24):
in late and he was like, oh, Ijust went to the bathroom and I
said, no, you didn't, I saw youcome in.
My dad always had his keys on acarabiner hanging from one of
the hooks of his jeans.
So whenever I heard keysjingling I knew it was my dad,
and for such a long time.
Once he went to prison, I wouldalways turn my head every time
(09:46):
I heard jingling keys, like justin case.
And that's the kind of thingthat can destroy a child because
they have hope.
And that's the kind of painthat I just feel in my heart
that certain people will neverfully grasp.
(10:10):
We have ideas of who we thinkour parents are.
We put them on a pedestal whenwe're little.
We look up to them.
They are the example.
Both of my parents were so fargone in their own victimhood not
knowing it, you know, just sowrapped up in their trauma, like
a fucking electric blanket okaythat they just were not going
(10:33):
to take off.
A fucking electric blanket,okay, that they just were not
going to take off, and it wasalways two steps forward and
five steps backwards.
It became this experience.
I got to a point where I waslike there's just no point in
even talking about the way thatI'm feeling.
I think back home my mom wantedto be there for me and support
me, but she could not remove herfeelings for my dad and her
(10:58):
resentment, her anger for beingin an abusive situation with him
, for being angry with him andfor being angry with herself,
that she couldn't separate thosethings.
It was just this whole bigsnowball, this big mess, this
beautiful disaster.
I remember there was one time mybrother was mixed up in some
(11:25):
trouble, when we were bothyounger too, and this was still
I didn't have a car yet and Iremember I went to go visit him
and he was in county jail, whichis not far from where I live,
actually and I remember I took abus, it was a summer day, I had
flip-flops on.
This was at a time when thecapri pants were very popular,
(11:47):
so like we used to wear businesscasual, but they were capri
pants, so I had like a businesscasual t-shirt on these capri
pants, flip flops, cute littlepedicure, and it starts thunder
and lightning.
And the walk from the bus stop,which was truly just a cute
(12:08):
little glass vestibule on theside of a grassy road was like a
mile to where the entrance was.
And I remember just beingcompletely soaking wet.
My flip-flops were like spongesyou could squeeze the water out
(12:28):
of them.
And I remember telling mybrother when he finally came out
he was in this bootcamp sort ofprogram for kids that had
gotten mixed up in trouble.
And I remember he finally cameout and I told him.
I said this is the last timeI'm ever going to come visit you
in any kind of facility likethis.
(12:50):
I don't care what happens forthe rest of our lives, I'm never
coming to see you again.
I don't care what happens forthe rest of our lives, I'm never
coming to see you again.
So you either decide tostraighten up your life or
you'll just be writing meletters.
And, truth be told, from thatpoint on he did get mixed up in
some more trouble a few moretimes and he always knew, like,
(13:12):
yeah, I'll write you a letter,that's fine, I'll take a call
here and there.
Like, yeah, I'll write you aletter, that's fine, I'll take a
call here and there.
In those visits you are takingyour freedom and giving it up.
I think that in some casesthere were a few guards who were
(13:32):
really angry that I would visitmy dad so much.
They're like oh you're hereagain, you're here again.
You know, in these comments andI don't know if that made it
worse for my dad after I leftbut imagine, I mean, I'm a teen
First I was like a tween, andthen a teen, and then a young
woman in my early twenties andI'm worried about what's going
(13:55):
to happen to my dad, who's agrown man, black belt in karate,
can defend himself.
Let that just sit with you for aminute.
Let's think about this here,okay, so up until that point in
time I was a people pleaser andbefore that I was a parent
pleaser.
I was always looking to get thepat on the head.
(14:19):
I was always hoping forapproval.
I wanted to be on the pedestal.
I wanted to be the good girl.
I wanted to be something thatmy parents would be proud of,
someone that my parents would beraving about, and I took a lot
(14:40):
of pride in that.
At the age of 46, which is rightnow when this is being recorded
I have a crazy sense ofintuition and that comes from
the trauma that I experiencedwhen I was a kid and being on
high alert, because I would readthe room and try to gauge if my
(15:01):
mom was coming home from workin a good mood or in a bad mood.
Was she going to start yellingat somebody?
And if she was going to startyelling at somebody, was it
going to be me, and could I fixthe house or do something?
I remember every single time,especially when I lived in my
house in the Bronx, we had thislong driveway that went along
the side of the house and therewas a fence on the other side
(15:25):
and it was the next house, andthen my mom would park her car,
like around back driveway so wecould hear the car.
And when we would hear her carcome down the driveway, both my
brother and I would both be like, oh shit, mom's home, and we
were both kind of going to likethis scattering panic for no
(15:46):
reason, cause we weren't doinganything wrong, but it was just.
Like you know, make sure theTV's turned off.
The lights are turned off.
Like you know, if the cushionon the couch was the wrong way,
she was going to scream aboutthat and I want you to
understand she wasn't a badperson back then.
She was just very high strungand stressed out and unhappy and
(16:07):
every little thing bothered her.
So we were walking on eggshellsand I think because of those
experiences I've been able toreally sharpen the antenna, if
you will fine tune it, that Ican pick up cues, energy shifts.
(16:28):
Sometimes my clients come upthe stairs at the gym, the
fitness floors on the secondfloor.
They can come up the stairs andI can tell as soon as I look in
their eyes oh, this one justgot into a fight with her
husband, this one's kid isstressing her out, like I just
know, and it's really bizarreand creepy and crazy.
But I truly believe that it'sjust from being able to tap into
(16:54):
that muscle Intuition you cansharpen it like a muscle.
Same thing with creativity.
These are things that you canmake better by using them often
and trusting.
So I established this boundarywith my dad at the age of 25, 26
years old, at the age of 25, 26years old, and we really didn't
(17:22):
ever go back to the way it wasafter that, because I started to
really express my needs andestablish what I needed and not
waver on it.
But as a kid I didn't know howto do that.
My boundaries were notrespected.
As a child I was.
You know, if I got, let's say,an ice cream cone, that I really
wanted, it was a setup.
I would get the ice cream coneand as soon as the man in the
(17:45):
truck would hand it to me pause,we're talking about Mr Softy in
the Bronx, okay, not MrGoodyear, that came in paper.
This is fresh, soft-serve icecream.
You could pick chocolate,vanilla or the swirl and then
you could put the sprinkles onit.
I always got the swirl withchocolate sprinkles and when he
would hand me the cone before Icould even take a lick of it, it
(18:06):
was like, okay, now share withyour brother.
That was a setup.
I didn't want to share it.
I wanted my own fucking icecream cone, you know, and I
think that it was always like tome.
It felt like a tax.
It was like you can have thatbut you have to share it, or I'd
have a plate of food andsomebody would just come right
over with their fork and stickit right in my plate, take a
(18:28):
bite of something.
It was like you can never justhave something of my own and
that's what I mean by myboundaries were not really being
respected.
It's never too late to startusing your words, to start using
your voice, but first you haveto find it and you have to be
(18:52):
clear about what your needs are.
And then finding the words andthe language so that you can
express yourself, and also thecourage to not be afraid to take
a L, so to speak, or to letsomething pass by because the
(19:14):
person did not respect yourboundaries.
To let something pass bybecause the person did not
respect your boundaries.
Because in the long run, if yourespect yourself and your
boundaries, you're not going tolet somebody walk all over you.
You're not going to letsomebody take advantage of you.
You're not going to letsomebody come in and out of your
life and disrespect you.
You're not going to let yourclients or your friends or your
(19:35):
coworkers or whoever, walk allover you, because they will know
where you stand.
But you got to establish whereyou stand and in order to do
that you need to find your wordsand speak up for yourself.
So my father was mad because Isaid I couldn't take him
somewhere.
I needed to go to the gym,because I learned that in order
(19:56):
for me to live a long andhealthy life, I got to take care
of myself, and that's anon-negotiable.
I move my body every single day.
That's a non-negotiable for me.
It might not be anon-negotiable for you I hope it
is but you need to find whatthose things are for yourself
and then find your way of sayingwhat you need in your life so
(20:21):
you can thrive.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
I know we went on a journey andI appreciate you listening to
the piece that I wrote and myanecdotes, and I hope that if
you are still struggling infinding your words and your
voice and the things that are ofimportance to you, the things
(20:46):
that you speak with convictionfrom the heart, you say it with
your chest.
Sit down with yourself, grab anotebook, write it out, because
the more that you learn how todo that, the stronger you are
going to be, the more robustyour system will be and you will
clearly start to attract moreof what you want and desire and
(21:10):
repel the things that you don't.
It's better to be specific andfocus on that than to try to be
a watered down version ofyourself to make everybody else
happy.
That is lame, so find yourvoice and use it.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
(21:33):
I appreciate your time andattention, as always.
If you liked the show, pleasegive me a follow.
Maybe give me a five stars.
I appreciate it and I'll seeyou on the next one.
Bye-bye.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode, I am going to
share with you a life-changingexperience that I had the first
(00:48):
time that I ever set a firmboundary with my father.
Now, if you've been with me forany amount of time or you've
listened to some of my earlierepisodes that I've released on
this show, I do share in episodeone and some in episode two,
about how I supported my dad for13 and a half years while he
(01:13):
was in prison, starting at theage of 12 up until I was 25
years old, and then alsosupporting him for a few years
after, when he was released onparole.
I'm going to read somethingthat I wrote, probably about two
or three years ago, in regardsto this particular event.
It is a vivid memory for mebecause I'll never forget the
(01:36):
look of shock on his face andhow our relationship dynamic did
change dramatically after thisday.
So here we go.
I'm going to read this to you,okay, I will never forget the
day that I set a boundary withmy father and he immediately
expressed his dislike of it.
He tried to make me feel guiltyabout it and then he tried to
(01:58):
gaslight me when I called himout for trying to guilt me.
It was around 2003 or 2004.
He was on parole, living withme, adjusting to the new ways of
the world and relying on me foreverything.
I understood how it came as ashock to him.
After all, I never said no andthe brief period of time when it
(02:21):
was logistically challengingfor me to get to prison to visit
him.
He certainly did not hold backin trying to scold me and punish
me, which was hilarious comingfrom a man in state prison who
continuously tried to guilt mefor his tough circumstances.
He was not the innocent victimhe constantly claimed he was to
(02:43):
me.
He manipulated everyone.
To this day, I don't know thetruth about what really happened
.
What I do know I'll never hearit from him.
When he was released on parole,he moved in with me.
I handed him a cell phone,bought him clothes and shoes,
(03:04):
turned my living room into hisbedroom and helped him get on
his feet.
The financial and emotionalstress was exhausting.
On this particular day, when Iset my boundary, I recall him
asking me to do something forhim or take him somewhere, and
(03:26):
when I said no, I can't, as Iwas bustling around the
apartment, he quickly repliedwith no hesitation and a rather
irritating tone of frustrationoh right, because you have to go
to the gym.
I snapped back sharply in hisface.
That's right, hard stop.
It was the first time he lookedat me with a little bit of fear
in his eyes.
I then continued my whole lifelife.
(03:47):
I have taken care of you andnow it's my turn to take care of
me.
13 years of jail visits andorchestrating legal
documentation, packages, letterscollect, calls, finding rides
and then living under my roof.
I was tapped out.
The air in the room feltstagnant and gritty, and it was
(04:10):
at that moment I confirmed in myheart that I was phasing out of
the abusive manipulation of his.
He was a mastermind, but Istopped gaslighting myself,
guilting myself, and started tosee the real person, who was my
father, and not the image.
It was the first of many timesthat I said no.
(04:31):
It was the first time I stoodup for the kid that who I was,
when I was not under the awningof a crusty, rundown, fragile
(04:51):
family structure.
It was the beginning ofchoosing me.
That's the end of the piecethat I wrote.
I want to take a moment andjust say first, thank you for
(05:12):
listening to that.
I struggle finding the wordsbecause I don't regret anything
I did.
I loved fiercely.
I loved so strongly.
I remember one time I must havebeen 19 years old.
I did not have my driver'slicense or a car just yet.
I was in college, but I washome for a summer break Now,
(05:35):
where I lived to where I went toschool.
It was a three-hour drive andwhere my father was in jail.
At the time it was sort ofabout a third, if not halfway,
from my home up to my school,but it was never really
convenient to stop on the waythere or back because visiting
(05:57):
hours were very strict In themaximum security prison he was
in at first I could go up thereseven days a week and as the
sentence drew on and he wastransferred to different
locations, there was always adifferent set of rules and a
different set of guidelines andstate law changed and the
mandates changed, and so as akid, I was always learning about
(06:22):
these new policies.
Now this was in the 90s, sothere was not much internet use,
and even though the internetwas more commonly used in the
late 90s, early 2000s, noteverything was on the internet
just yet.
So sometimes a place would havea website and there'd be no
(06:45):
information that was useful orupdated.
But I remember this one tripand I wanted to go see my dad
and I remember I didn't haveanyone that could drive me, so I
chose to take publictransportation.
So I took the train from thetown I lived in, four stops, to
(07:10):
the small city where I couldcatch I think it was a Greyhound
or a short line bus, a coachbus to drive up.
The bus had stops along the way, so by the time I got to the
town that I needed to get off in, it was already probably like
(07:30):
two hours in.
Then, from the bus stop, I hadto take a cab.
Now, mind you, we didn't havecell phones back then, so I had
loose change in a Ziploc bag.
I had my ID, which wasbasically my learner's permit
and my social security card, andI was just a young kid, 19, out
(07:53):
in the middle of New York Stateat this bus stop waiting for a
cab, hoping we'll make it toprison to the visiting hours
before they close, and I gotthere and probably spent about
two hours with my dad, only toturn around and do the whole
trip back in reverse, with mydad only to turn around and do
(08:17):
the whole trip back in reverse.
I think I spent close to sevenhours traveling that day to see
him for maybe two hours and Iremember getting home and just
thinking, you know, I just don'tthink he'd do this for me.
I just don't feel like that issomething he's capable of.
(08:39):
And when I think back on thingsand different experiences, I'm
struggling telling this storyand these things.
So please bear with me.
I remember being in fourth orfifth grade and I was in a
special choir performance that Ihad to audition for and it was
a conglomerate of the bestsingers from each elementary
(09:03):
school in Westchester County.
They called it All-County Choir.
I worked really hard at it andI remember he missed more than
half of the performance.
And I remember he missed morethan half of the performance and
I was devastated.
I called him out on it.
I was crying, I was so upset.
I got upset during theperformance and I tried to chill
.
And then, of course, afterwardsI said you know, I saw you come
(09:24):
in late and he was like, oh, Ijust went to the bathroom and I
said, no, you didn't, I saw youcome in.
My dad always had his keys on acarabiner hanging from one of
the hooks of his jeans.
So whenever I heard keysjingling I knew it was my dad,
and for such a long time.
Once he went to prison, I wouldalways turn my head every time
(09:46):
I heard jingling keys, like justin case.
And that's the kind of thingthat can destroy a child because
they have hope.
And that's the kind of painthat I just feel in my heart
that certain people will neverfully grasp.
(10:10):
We have ideas of who we thinkour parents are.
We put them on a pedestal whenwe're little.
We look up to them.
They are the example.
Both of my parents were so fargone in their own victimhood not
knowing it, you know, just sowrapped up in their trauma, like
a fucking electric blanket okaythat they just were not going
(10:33):
to take off.
A fucking electric blanket,okay, that they just were not
going to take off, and it wasalways two steps forward and
five steps backwards.
It became this experience.
I got to a point where I waslike there's just no point in
even talking about the way thatI'm feeling.
I think back home my mom wantedto be there for me and support
me, but she could not remove herfeelings for my dad and her
(10:58):
resentment, her anger for beingin an abusive situation with him
, for being angry with him andfor being angry with herself,
that she couldn't separate thosethings.
It was just this whole bigsnowball, this big mess, this
beautiful disaster.
I remember there was one time mybrother was mixed up in some
(11:25):
trouble, when we were bothyounger too, and this was still
I didn't have a car yet and Iremember I went to go visit him
and he was in county jail, whichis not far from where I live,
actually and I remember I took abus, it was a summer day, I had
flip-flops on.
This was at a time when thecapri pants were very popular,
(11:47):
so like we used to wear businesscasual, but they were capri
pants, so I had like a businesscasual t-shirt on these capri
pants, flip flops, cute littlepedicure, and it starts thunder
and lightning.
And the walk from the bus stop,which was truly just a cute
(12:08):
little glass vestibule on theside of a grassy road was like a
mile to where the entrance was.
And I remember just beingcompletely soaking wet.
My flip-flops were like spongesyou could squeeze the water out
(12:28):
of them.
And I remember telling mybrother when he finally came out
he was in this bootcamp sort ofprogram for kids that had
gotten mixed up in trouble.
And I remember he finally cameout and I told him.
I said this is the last timeI'm ever going to come visit you
in any kind of facility likethis.
(12:50):
I don't care what happens forthe rest of our lives, I'm never
coming to see you again.
I don't care what happens forthe rest of our lives, I'm never
coming to see you again.
So you either decide tostraighten up your life or
you'll just be writing meletters.
And, truth be told, from thatpoint on he did get mixed up in
some more trouble a few moretimes and he always knew, like,
(13:12):
yeah, I'll write you a letter,that's fine, I'll take a call
here and there.
Like, yeah, I'll write you aletter, that's fine, I'll take a
call here and there.
In those visits you are takingyour freedom and giving it up.
I think that in some casesthere were a few guards who were
(13:32):
really angry that I would visitmy dad so much.
They're like oh you're hereagain, you're here again.
You know, in these comments andI don't know if that made it
worse for my dad after I leftbut imagine, I mean, I'm a teen
First I was like a tween, andthen a teen, and then a young
woman in my early twenties andI'm worried about what's going
(13:55):
to happen to my dad, who's agrown man, black belt in karate,
can defend himself.
Let that just sit with you for aminute.
Let's think about this here,okay, so up until that point in
time I was a people pleaser andbefore that I was a parent
pleaser.
I was always looking to get thepat on the head.
(14:19):
I was always hoping forapproval.
I wanted to be on the pedestal.
I wanted to be the good girl.
I wanted to be something thatmy parents would be proud of,
someone that my parents would beraving about, and I took a lot
(14:40):
of pride in that.
At the age of 46, which is rightnow when this is being recorded
I have a crazy sense ofintuition and that comes from
the trauma that I experiencedwhen I was a kid and being on
high alert, because I would readthe room and try to gauge if my
(15:01):
mom was coming home from workin a good mood or in a bad mood.
Was she going to start yellingat somebody?
And if she was going to startyelling at somebody, was it
going to be me, and could I fixthe house or do something?
I remember every single time,especially when I lived in my
house in the Bronx, we had thislong driveway that went along
the side of the house and therewas a fence on the other side
(15:25):
and it was the next house, andthen my mom would park her car,
like around back driveway so wecould hear the car.
And when we would hear her carcome down the driveway, both my
brother and I would both be like, oh shit, mom's home, and we
were both kind of going to likethis scattering panic for no
(15:46):
reason, cause we weren't doinganything wrong, but it was just.
Like you know, make sure theTV's turned off.
The lights are turned off.
Like you know, if the cushionon the couch was the wrong way,
she was going to scream aboutthat and I want you to
understand she wasn't a badperson back then.
She was just very high strungand stressed out and unhappy and
(16:07):
every little thing bothered her.
So we were walking on eggshellsand I think because of those
experiences I've been able toreally sharpen the antenna, if
you will fine tune it, that Ican pick up cues, energy shifts.
(16:28):
Sometimes my clients come upthe stairs at the gym, the
fitness floors on the secondfloor.
They can come up the stairs andI can tell as soon as I look in
their eyes oh, this one justgot into a fight with her
husband, this one's kid isstressing her out, like I just
know, and it's really bizarreand creepy and crazy.
But I truly believe that it'sjust from being able to tap into
(16:54):
that muscle Intuition you cansharpen it like a muscle.
Same thing with creativity.
These are things that you canmake better by using them often
and trusting.
So I established this boundarywith my dad at the age of 25, 26
years old, at the age of 25, 26years old, and we really didn't
(17:22):
ever go back to the way it wasafter that, because I started to
really express my needs andestablish what I needed and not
waver on it.
But as a kid I didn't know howto do that.
My boundaries were notrespected.
As a child I was.
You know, if I got, let's say,an ice cream cone, that I really
wanted, it was a setup.
I would get the ice cream coneand as soon as the man in the
(17:45):
truck would hand it to me pause,we're talking about Mr Softy in
the Bronx, okay, not MrGoodyear, that came in paper.
This is fresh, soft-serve icecream.
You could pick chocolate,vanilla or the swirl and then
you could put the sprinkles onit.
I always got the swirl withchocolate sprinkles and when he
would hand me the cone before Icould even take a lick of it, it
(18:06):
was like, okay, now share withyour brother.
That was a setup.
I didn't want to share it.
I wanted my own fucking icecream cone, you know, and I
think that it was always like tome.
It felt like a tax.
It was like you can have thatbut you have to share it, or I'd
have a plate of food andsomebody would just come right
over with their fork and stickit right in my plate, take a
(18:28):
bite of something.
It was like you can never justhave something of my own and
that's what I mean by myboundaries were not really being
respected.
It's never too late to startusing your words, to start using
your voice, but first you haveto find it and you have to be
(18:52):
clear about what your needs are.
And then finding the words andthe language so that you can
express yourself, and also thecourage to not be afraid to take
a L, so to speak, or to letsomething pass by because the
(19:14):
person did not respect yourboundaries.
To let something pass bybecause the person did not
respect your boundaries.
Because in the long run, if yourespect yourself and your
boundaries, you're not going tolet somebody walk all over you.
You're not going to letsomebody take advantage of you.
You're not going to letsomebody come in and out of your
life and disrespect you.
You're not going to let yourclients or your friends or your
(19:35):
coworkers or whoever, walk allover you, because they will know
where you stand.
But you got to establish whereyou stand and in order to do
that you need to find your wordsand speak up for yourself.
So my father was mad because Isaid I couldn't take him
somewhere.
I needed to go to the gym,because I learned that in order
(19:56):
for me to live a long andhealthy life, I got to take care
of myself, and that's anon-negotiable.
I move my body every single day.
That's a non-negotiable for me.
It might not be anon-negotiable for you I hope it
is but you need to find whatthose things are for yourself
and then find your way of sayingwhat you need in your life so
(20:21):
you can thrive.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
I know we went on a journey andI appreciate you listening to
the piece that I wrote and myanecdotes, and I hope that if
you are still struggling infinding your words and your
voice and the things that are ofimportance to you, the things
(20:46):
that you speak with convictionfrom the heart, you say it with
your chest.
Sit down with yourself, grab anotebook, write it out, because
the more that you learn how todo that, the stronger you are
going to be, the more robustyour system will be and you will
clearly start to attract moreof what you want and desire and
(21:10):
repel the things that you don't.
It's better to be specific andfocus on that than to try to be
a watered down version ofyourself to make everybody else
happy.
That is lame, so find yourvoice and use it.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
(21:33):
I appreciate your time andattention, as always.
If you liked the show, pleasegive me a follow.
Maybe give me a five stars.
I appreciate it and I'll seeyou on the next one.
Bye-bye.
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