Network Inventory: Courageously Assessing Your Relationships

Growth doesn't happen at the same pace for everyone. This fundamental truth has shaped my understanding of relationships and inspired this deeply personal exploration of what I call "network inventory" – the essential practice of evaluating who belongs in your life as you evolve.

Drawing from my own painful lessons in friendships, romantic relationships, and family connections, I share four crucial questions that transformed my approach to relationships: How do I feel in this moment with this person? Can I comfortably express my needs? Am I able to have uncomfortable conversations? Do I trust myself to maintain boundaries? These questions have become my compass when navigating relationship complexities and determining which connections truly deserve my energy.

I vulnerably share a personal story about a relationship breakdown during my mother's health crisis that forced me to confront my issues with trust—both in others and in myself. 

Learning to have uncomfortable conversations with grace became my superpower, allowing me to either transform relationships or release them with clarity and compassion.

The most liberating realization? Some relationships are seasonal. People enter our lives for specific chapters, offering exactly what we need during particular growth phases. Recognizing when a relationship has fulfilled its purpose isn't failure—it's honoring the authentic path of both individuals. 

Ready to transform your relationship landscape? Tune in to the show with a pen and paper - this is a juicy one! 

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate

(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
This is your host, tiana.
I'm so excited for you to behere.
We are going to talk aboutnetwork inventory.
What does that mean?

(00:49):
Well, I have struggled and Iuse the word struggle
intentionally.
I have struggled most of mylife with all sorts of
relationships, with friendships,with romantic partners and even
with family members, and thisis a pretty vulnerable episode

(01:10):
for me.
I know all of them arevulnerable, I get that, but this
one, this one's going to bechallenging for me to talk
through, but it's top of mindand it's, you know, kind of
weighing on me and it'ssomething that I want to speak
about.
So I would love for you to geta notebook or a piece of paper

(01:34):
and a pen, because I am going tobe giving you some questions to
ponder and explore and reflectupon.
So maybe while you're listeningto this episode, or you'll jot
them down and then do it on yourown time.
But I think it's important forus to continuously look at the

(01:54):
people around us, look at thepeople we spend time with,
examine all of yourrelationships, because the most
challenging thing that I havehad to come to terms with is
that we don't all grow at thesame rate.
So there have been people thatI was incredibly close with,

(02:22):
spent a ton of time with, talkedto on a regular basis, saw
consistently, that are no longera part of my life anymore, and
it's not because there was afight or a falling out or a
disagreement.
A lot of times, things change inour lives respectively.

(02:43):
They change, and they change ata different pace.
And now, perhaps you know, thisperson got married 10 years ago
and now they have kids and theylive on the West Coast, and
this person got married andmoved back home where they grew
up.
You know they had only been inthe area where I was for a short

(03:03):
amount of time, and so there'sa ton of situations that we
could talk about, but what'simportant is when you are doing
your work and you're growing andexpanding and leveling up in
your career and in your personallife.
Sometimes those closest to youare going to be uncomfortable

(03:28):
with your growth.
They're not going to like yourgrowth, they are going to give
you some resistance around it orthe comments will be made.
There will be what we refer toas shade or or things said in
jest.
Now, if you are in tune withenergy, you know, you know.

(03:51):
You know in your heart, in yoursoul, you know when someone is
not pleased with you, whensomeone has something negative
to say about whatever it isyou're doing, when someone has
disdain for you or for somethingyou're doing so that they don't
like it.
You know, but sometimes we lovepeople so much and we want to

(04:18):
hold on to the friendship or therelationship that we keep them
in our life, even if we knowthey're going to make it harder
for us.
Now here's your first question.
I want you to think about whenyou're with your friends, with
your extended family or closefamily or whoever it is in your

(04:39):
network.
Maybe it's a professionalsetting, maybe it's a hobby.
Just think about how you feelin that moment.
Think about how you feel aroundthose people.
Do you feel good?
Do you feel like you can beyour most authentic self, or do
you feel like you have to wear amask?
Do you feel like you have tohide things and hold things back

(05:00):
?
Now, I know I just said a wholebunch of questions.
Hold things back Now.
I know I just said a wholebunch of questions, but the main
question to write down is howdo I feel in this moment?
Okay, it's important that youfind your voice.
It's important that you findyour courage, especially if

(05:23):
you're in a situation whereyou're not completely
comfortable or where you don'tfeel protected or safe or that
you can trust.
So, if it's a romanticrelationship, do you feel like
you can trust everything and doyou trust yourself?

(05:46):
So I had a crazy love affairwith this person that I met in
2006.
It was an interesting onebecause I remember, throughout
the course of the relationship,thinking and saying to myself
you know what he's so great.
He trusts me, he lets me bemyself.
Course of the relationship,thinking and saying to myself
you know what he's so great Like?
He trusts me.
Um, he lets me be myself.

(06:09):
I feel like I'm 100%,authentically myself with him.
He doesn't question me, hedoesn't ask me any like crazy,
jealous or insecure type ofquestions jealous or insecure
type of questions and he justlets me be me and all of my

(06:30):
kookiness and craziness and Iloved that Very special but deep
down I didn't trust him and Icouldn't figure out what it was.
But I trusted him in the sensethat I didn't think he would

(06:52):
cheat on our relationship, but Ididn't trust him in the sense
of him like having my backemotionally.
So we were together when mymother when we discovered my
mother had a brain tumor, shewas admitted to the hospital on

(07:12):
a Sunday afternoon and she washaving brain surgery that Friday
because it was growing sorapidly.
And the day of her surgery heand I got into a fight.
Of course we got into a fight.
I was very uptight.
I found out he lied to me aboutsomething small and I blew up

(07:32):
and we got into a fight andthere was a lot of disgusting
language and anger being thrownaround on both ends and I went
to the hospital by myself and henever showed up.
And he didn't show up the nextday either, or the day after
that and it took probably abouta week before I heard from him.

(08:00):
And this is in a time where youdidn't text message important
information.
Text message was like on my wayor be right there, kind of
thing.
You weren't text messagingnovels to each other.
It just was culturally notappropriate at the time or
socially that wasn't appropriate.
So, needless to say, I feltvery abandoned.

(08:23):
My mother was in a coma forabout 10 days after the surgery.
The day she woke up I went togo see her and the first thing
she did was ask me where he was.
And I made this face and shejust kind of looked at me and
she said you know, did you guysbreak up?
And I said, yeah, I think so.

(08:46):
We're just not speaking rightnow.
And she said to me she waslaying in her hospital bed.
She had just woken up from acoma about 12 hours prior.
Unfortunately, I was at workwhen she woke up, so I couldn't
get to her until much later.
And she's like you know, youguys should work things out.
Like you know, you guys shouldwork things out.

(09:09):
And because of that, and I think, just from feeling completely
alone, I slowly but surely gavehim another chance and for two
years after that I never feltsafe with this person.
It was really hard for me totrust him because I already had
abandonment issues and now heactually did abandon me and I

(09:32):
didn't know what to do with that.
But here's the part that madeit worse I didn't trust myself.
I had to learn how to trustmyself.
I had to learn how to listen tomy intuition.
I had to go to therapy.
When that relationship ended in2009, that's the one I had to

(09:54):
get myself into some type ofprofessional setting to learn
what my problem was, because Iknew that, of all the
relationships I had been through, I was the common denominator.
So, through a lot of therapyand a lot of sorting and
organizing, unpacking and thencompartmentalizing, I figured

(10:22):
out what my issue was, and itwas that I didn't trust my gut
and I didn't establishboundaries, maintain them or
keep myself safe.
And that was all on me.
So the second question that Iwould encourage you to explore,
when you're thinking aboutdifferent kinds of relationships

(10:42):
and maybe we should narrow itdown to the ones that maybe are
posing a challenge in your life,where you have a choice to
change the dynamic, like afriendship or an acquaintance or
a coworker I want you to askyourself am I comfortable

(11:03):
expressing my needs to thisperson?
Am I comfortable expressing myneeds to this person?
That's question number two,because if you're not
comfortable speaking up.
You're not comfortable speakingup, then we need to dive into
that more.
Now, remember, I am not alicensed therapist.
These are just questions foryou to have some new strategy
that you can explore yourselfand then come up with answers to

(11:27):
.
But if you are in need ofprofessional help, then please
find a qualified to assist you.
Let's continue.
One of the most powerful thingsthat I learned about six years
ago was when I really started toembrace it was this notion of

(11:53):
having uncomfortableconversations.
Having uncomfortableconversations like diffusing the
tension, stating hey, I knowthis is uncomfortable, and then
having the uncomfortableconversation.
There are ways to diffusetension before the fight starts,

(12:15):
before tempers flare up, beforethe spiky comments are made.
There is a way for you to tellthe other person first that this
is really important, thisconversation that you're about
to have, and that you've beenmulling it over for a while, or

(12:36):
you've been thinking about howyou want to phrase it, because
you care so much about therelationship or about the
friendship or about yourconnection with this person that
it means so much to you thatyou've put a lot of thought into
this.
But you have to speak from yourheart right now.
A lot of times when you do that, your heart, right now, a lot

(13:01):
of times when you do that, youare piquing the other person's
curiosity and hopefully, if theyrespect you enough, they will
give you the courtesy to speakyour mind.
Now the last question, and I'llrun through all these questions
again just to make sure you havethem down Do I trust myself?
Do you trust yourself enough toknow that, even if you are in a

(13:25):
shitty situation, you will walkaway, that if you feel like
you're approaching something andit's toxic, it doesn't serve
you, it's not true to you, youand you don't need it in your
life?
Do you trust yourself tomaintain that boundary that

(13:45):
you've established and to honoryourself in that situation?
All right, let's go back to thequestions, because I think that
they might help you, because Ithink that they might help you,
especially if you find thatthere's someone in your life you
really care about.
But the relationship needs someimprovement, needs some reality

(14:09):
, all right, so first, how do Ifeel in this moment?
Like, how do you feel in themoment?
How do you feel with thatperson in their company?
Does it uplift you?
Do you feel like your cup hasbeen filled when you leave
spending time with them?
Or do you feel like small andcontracted?
Do you feel exhausted, becauseenergy is an exchange?

(14:34):
Question number two am Icomfortable expressing my needs?
Question number two am Icomfortable expressing my needs?
Really important.
Number three can I approach anuncomfortable topic with this
person?
Can I be vulnerable with them?
Can I speak from the heart?
And number four do I trustmyself?

(14:56):
Number four do I trust myself?
I hope that these questions helpyou find clarity in your life
and maybe you don't need to doan inventory on every
relationship in your life, butif you have one or two or a

(15:16):
couple or a few where you'vesaid to yourself ugh, every time
they text you or call you youcan't be bothered or you're
avoiding them, ask yourselfthose questions and just
remember this just because youwere friends with someone at a
very important period in yourlife and they were important to
you and you guys bonded and youshared a connection, like, just

(15:39):
because of that, that doesn'tmean you have to hold on to the
friendship and the connection.
People graduate, people grow,people expand and they don't
necessarily all move up and moveforward at the same time and in
the same direction, sosometimes you gotta let to let
things go, even if you love theperson with all your heart, but

(16:04):
you know that it's time to moveon.
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love to have you in mycontainer, as always.
Thank you for spending sometime with me and I'll catch you

(16:25):
on the next one.