July 14, 2025 • 21 mins
In this vulnerable episode, I share a recent brand photoshoot experience that had me battling waves of insecurity despite years of camera experience. Despite taking over 1,000 photos, my inner perfectionist—formed through years as a dancer and bodybuilder—kept finding flaws. The mantra that pulled me through? "I am enough and what I'm doing is important."
This triggered memories of perhaps my greatest personal challenge: after earning my IFBB Pro card in 2010, I gained over 50 pounds within months. Gym sessions became exercises in humiliation. There were days the physical pain kept me bedridden, and I questioned if I'd ever feel comfortable in my own skin again.
Looking at my recent photos against the backdrop of that difficult chapter reveals an important truth: readiness is largely a myth. Had I waited to feel completely confident before this photoshoot, an important project would remain just an idea.
Growth happens when we step into discomfort despite our insecurities. We're never going to feel 100% ready for the things—but that's precisely why we must begin anyway. What dream are you postponing until you feel ready?
Connect with Me
Instagram: www.instagram.com/tianasmindandmoves
Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com
Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
Download your Free 5-Min Pre-Workout Guide:
https://tiana-gonzalez.mykajabi.com/likeyoumeanit
Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and thisis episode 30.
I cannot be more excited.
We launched this show on March11th.
I am recording this on Friday,july 11th, and this is the 30th
episode.
So exciting, so grateful tohave you here.
(01:02):
And I had a bit of a humblingexperience a few days ago.
I was out to dinner with mybrother for his birthday, with
his girlfriend and a few of hisfriends, and something was
mentioned while we were passingappetizers around the table and
someone said oh, you told thisstory on a podcast episode, to
(01:23):
which I turned and looked at herand said oh, you listen to the
podcast?
And she said yeah, of course, Iput it on when I'm at work.
I love it, it keeps me goingand I'm just typing away on the
computer and it's cool to get toknow you in that way.
And then another person at thetable said yeah, I listened to
the show too.
And then, of course, my brothersaid yeah, I listened to the
(01:43):
show too, and it's great, listento the show too.
And then, of course, my brothersaid yeah, I listened to the
show too, and it's great, socool.
Three people that I was havingdinner with.
There were a few other peopleat the table as well, but three
people at the table all gave mepositive feedback about the show
and said they liked certainepisodes, and I cannot express
my gratitude anymore, express mygratitude anymore.
(02:10):
Before we dive into this episode, I want to remind you that if
you are someone who is lookingfor some support and getting
your head in the right place sothat you can work out
efficiently and command thespace around you when you walk
into the gym, when you get onthe fitness floor, check the
show notes, there is a linkwhere you can download a quick
mini guide that I have created,called Lift.
Like you Mean it, it'sbasically a five minute
(02:33):
pre-workout ritual.
It may take a little practiceto get the swing of it the first
few times you use it, but thereare some prompts for you to
think about.
There is space for you todownload this mini guide that
I've created and then you canhandwrite it.
So if you're someone like mewho loves pen and paper, you can
go that route, or you couldjust think about the questions
(02:56):
that I give you in this littleguide, just to help you get
clear on what it is you'relooking to accomplish and create
a small, bite-sized goal that'sattainable each time you set
foot into the gym.
Now, without further ado, thisepisode is going to touch upon
(03:17):
this idea of getting ready.
I've talked about theanticipation phase in previous
episodes.
I've talked about just gettingstarted and then making mistakes
, because you're bound to makemistakes regardless.
So we might as well startmaking them as soon as possible
(03:37):
so that you can get clarity andthen continue moving in the
right direction.
But here's the thing you maynot feel ready, and that might
be what's holding you back.
Last weekend, I did a brandphoto shoot with a friend of
mine, and the day of the shoot,he reached out to me, and I'm
(04:02):
going to read to you theexchange that we had, because I
think it's powerful and it'svulnerable.
So he reached out to me andsaid hey, ready for today?
And I responded as ready as Ican be I'm rusty with a laughing
emoji, and he said no worries,we'll do today, and we can do
(04:22):
this as many times until you andI are both well-oiled machines.
I replied okay, probably we'llneed to.
My insecurities start bubblingup every time I'm about to shoot
.
Ugh, I'll get through it.
And then I followed up withanother text and said I am
enough and what I'm doing isimportant and a part of my work.
(04:45):
This is what I keep thinking Iam enough and what I'm doing is
important.
That helped me get through theshoot.
That helped me get throughfeeling insecure in front of the
camera.
Now I wore a cute matching setof fitness outfit.
(05:10):
We did the shoot outdoors.
My midsection is showing in mostof the photos, because it's
basically a sports bra andmatching pants, and I have to be
completely transparent with youI do not love how I look in
many of the photos.
We took over a thousand photos,so of course, a lot of them
(05:36):
were in between.
A lot of them were metransitioning between pose to
pose.
A lot of them, I'm breathing.
I am a belly breather.
That comes from my martial artsbackground, and so there are
some photos where I'm looking atmyself and I'm thinking, damn,
this could have been a littlebit better if I did this or that
(05:58):
could have looked a little bitbetter had I turned my hip a
little bit more this way or putmy hand in this place better had
I turned my hip a little bitmore this way or put my hand in
this place or maybe pulled in alittle bit tighter.
And, as my friend said, we cando this as many times as we need
to until we become a well-oiledmachine.
And the truth is that the moreI work with a photographer, of
(06:21):
course, the better the sessionis and the better work we create
, because it's a collaboratoryeffort.
But the IFBB pro in me, theperfectionist in me, the dancer
in me, is never going to fullylove and embrace the finished
(06:41):
product.
Because I am my own worstcritic.
I can find a flaw in myself inevery single photo of me.
I can pick myself apart likethe worst bully in the world.
I wish I wasn't like that.
I do see that trait as a bit ofa flaw and I can simultaneously
(07:07):
say, wow, look how far I'vecome, look at how amazing I look
in this picture.
I can look at the same photoand in one breath of air I think
I look amazing, and then in thenext I think I look amazing,
and then in the next, seesomething that I don't love or
that I'd want to change.
So really, the moral of thisstory is that I'm never going to
(07:30):
feel ready, it's never going tobe perfect and the work is
never done.
But what if I could push thataside and look at the big
picture?
I told my friend this is partof something bigger than me.
(07:50):
This photo shoot is part of aproject that I have set my
sights on for a very long timeand only just recently found the
courage and made the investmentto find a mentor to give me an
organized process to follow thatmakes sense to me, that speaks
to me and that will be executedin a way that feels good from
(08:16):
start to finish.
I was moving along 100 miles anhour on this project and then I
hit a section where I realized,oh shit, I need new fitness
pictures, because the last setof photos that I have that I
would want to include in thisproject are from three years ago
(08:37):
and they are moody and dark andin a gym that's very masculine
looking.
So I'm sort of this littlebeacon of light wearing these
bright colors bright blue,bright orange.
In another set I wore hot pinkand black, very girly, with my
(09:01):
big hoop earrings and goldjewelry and my nails and makeup
done.
However, the photos are grittyand they're gorgeous, but
they're not the right mood andvibe for this new project.
I've shot with so many differentphotographers over the years.
I've shot with so manydifferent photographers over the
(09:24):
years.
I've done tons of photo shoots.
It's definitely not my firstrodeo and still there's always
something where I feel like notat my best.
I think this goes back toperhaps being a dancer and
feeling insecure performing onstage, knowing I'm not the
prettiest girl, I'm not thethinnest girl and I'm not the
(09:48):
best dancer in the group, butpeople do watch me.
I've had people tell me thatcame to see me perform in
different dance performances,whether it was the company I was
in in high school or thecompany I was a part of in
college.
Shout out to Black DanceRepertoire.
That is the name of the groupat Binghamton University.
(10:10):
We were a student organization,student run, and I think my
senior year of college I wasactually the vice president of
the organization.
So I loved that group and evenwhen we would travel and perform
at different schools and atdifferent events, people would
say, oh, my eyes caught you, myeyes went right to you.
(10:31):
People look at me.
I know that and yet still thereare parts of me that want to
hide.
There are things about me thatI question if they're good
enough and again, the work thatI'm doing is so fucking
important.
(10:51):
It doesn't matter if I thinkI'm pretty enough for this or if
I'm lean enough for this.
I didn't feel ready.
I didn't feel ready that day.
I was super nervous.
I think the first maybe 200photos I'm wearing a big t-shirt
and I was just trying to likewarm up and get comfortable with
(11:13):
my friends who I'd never workedwith before.
I was nervous about how peoplewould perceive me People in the
area where we were shooting.
It's a local river walk area,so there's people on their bikes
, there's kids in a localplayground not too far from
(11:35):
where we parked the car.
I was worried and I had to shutthose voices off.
I had to quiet down the noise.
I had to stop it and remindmyself that this work that I'm
doing is important for me andfor the people that I serve.
(11:56):
There was a time in my life,after getting my pro card, where
I gained an excessive amount ofweight in a very short period
of time.
I got my pro card in 2010 andwithin the same calendar year, I
gained over 50 pounds.
I had done a lot of damage tomy body in the process and I
(12:23):
take responsibility for that.
I didn't think it was going tohappen to me.
I was warned be careful.
What you're doing is dangerous.
It's not sustainable.
You might hit a rebound.
I didn't think it would happento me.
I truly thought I wasinvincible.
No, it's not going to happen tome.
I'll be fine Until I wasn't,and so towards the end of 2010,
(12:53):
almost all of 2011, most of 2012and well into 2013,.
For two and a half years almostthree years I wanted to just
curl up into a ball anddisappear.
I was extremely overweight, Iwas very uncomfortable, I had
irregular periods, my hormoneswere a mess, thyroid was a mess,
I had some issues with my liverand my kidneys the list goes on
(13:16):
and on and on.
And I lived in yoga pants, ahooded sweatshirt that zipped up
and a baseball hat, and I wouldpull my baseball hat so far
down over my eyes when I went tothe gym because I didn't want
to make eye contact with people,because I felt shame, I was
(13:36):
ashamed of myself and I wasembarrassed because I had once
been at the peak, at thepinnacle of conditioning.
And then I lost it.
And I will tell you that thegym is very similar to a bar or
(13:57):
the local hangout spot.
People say things because theysee you every day.
They see you at the same time.
Their inhibitions are down alittle bit.
A lot of people go to the gym toblow off steam, so they feel
relaxed, they're comfortable,and people say things that are
just so wildly inappropriate.
(14:18):
At one point.
A former gym partner came up tome and squeezed my belly while
I was doing crunches on a Swissball.
He came over and pinched mybelly and he was like you got to
work on this.
How embarrassing.
I was so mortified I let himhave it right then and there I
(14:44):
said I'm going through a lotwith my health and it has
nothing to do with bodybuildingor with me eating crazy.
This is something out of mycontrol and I'm working on it.
So fuck off.
Imagine I actually wound upchanging gyms at one point as
well, because I was soembarrassed.
I didn't want to see people, Ididn't want to talk about it.
(15:05):
I didn't want to explain whatwas going on, even if people
were genuinely concerned andwanted to know.
I just didn't want to talkabout it.
It was so deeply painful and tobe contacted by various
supplement companies or fromphotographers to do shoots,
(15:26):
because they had seen either mecompete on stage or they saw my
stage photos, or they saw someof the photos I did with the
photographer just before gettingon stage and they wanted to
work with me and I had to tellthem the ugly truth that I did
not look like that any longer.
You know how, on some socialmedia platforms it reminds you
(15:50):
like on this day 10 years ago,on this day 15 years ago.
And when I look back, sometimesI'll see things that I wrote
where someone had reached out tome and I'll say things that I
wrote where someone had reachedout to me and I'll say I'm
working on it.
I should be in better shape ina few months.
I was just saying that to keeppeople on the hook and
(16:10):
interested, but I really had noidea.
I was wishful.
I was hoping I would pray, butthere were days that I didn't
even want to get out of bed.
I was in so much pain.
But there were days that Ididn't even want to get out of
bed.
I was in so much pain my jointswere killing me.
(16:30):
Now I don't know if you knowthis, but when you gain weight
due to whatever circumstances orreasons, particularly on your
knees, for every pound of weightup, it feels like four pounds
of pressure on your knees,especially going up and down a
flight of stairs or if you'rehiking.
And little by little by little,I eventually found answers.
(16:53):
I eventually started to feelbetter.
I eventually got myself to aplace where I wasn't as insecure
being out in public.
I would say it was probablyaround the spring of 2012.
I was still struggling, but itwas a little bit better.
(17:13):
So to look at photos from lastweek and I mean, I know what I
weigh and I know what I weighedon the day of the shoot and to
look at the photos and see whatI look like and look at my
energy, I'm super proud of that.
But if I only lived by what thescale said or if I only went by
(17:38):
what I used to be like, then Iprobably wouldn't have felt
ready.
I probably wouldn't have feltready to take this next part of
this action plan that I have inplace, to take these photos that
are so important becausethey're a part of something that
I'm working on that's going tomake an imprint on people's
(18:01):
lives, and it doesn't matter ifit's one or two people or if
it's a couple hundred, or maybeit might even be more, who knows
?
I believe the sky's the limit.
I believe the universe isabundant and I believe that
there is more than enough outthere for all of us to
accomplish our dreams and besuccessful and to gain whatever
(18:23):
it is our heart is set on.
What I do know is when I wasuncomfortable in my own skin,
when I did only live in theseyoga pants that had a rolled
down waist so that I couldbreathe and feel more
comfortable in my own skin, Inever thought I would be in a
(18:43):
place where I could take photosagain.
I questioned if I would everfeel confident at the gym again.
I didn't know if I'd ever getto at least even somewhere that
resembled what I once lookedlike, let alone be a better
version, and I do believe that Iam a better version because of
(19:05):
all of the things I'veexperienced, because of the
knowledge and the backgroundthat.
I have now.
Sometimes I think all of thosethings were supposed to happen
so that I could grow and becomethis version of me right now,
and in a week from now, a monthfrom now, a year from now, I'm
(19:27):
going to be another version ofmyself.
It's kind of why I laugh whenold people come around or
someone reaches out to me,particularly Facebook.
Facebook is a swamp, that's theword.
It's full of all these peoplethat I barely spoke to back in
(19:47):
the day and now they just watchmy life and think that they know
me, and every once in a while,somebody from there will reach
out and they allude to the factof some story or something about
me from the past, for example,this one friend I remember.
She reached out to me at onepoint and was like hey, we're
(20:10):
going to go hear that DJ.
Remember you used to love him.
Do you want to come?
And my music tastes have reallychanged a lot.
And I just said to her yeah,I'm good, I don't listen to that
anymore, but thanks forthinking of me.
But that's not who I am anymore, that's who I was.
You're probably never going tofeel fully ready, but if you
(20:33):
don't at least start to move inthe direction that you want,
you're not going to accomplishmuch.
You're going to be stuck.
I know it's scary, but you gotto take action.
You got to do the thing, andmaybe I'll look at these photos
again and say, oh my gosh, I wascrazy.
These photos are amazing.
(20:54):
I love them.
I look beautiful and they'refulfilling the purpose.
Or I might just look back andsay you know what?
This was a good stepping stone,and now the next time I work
with this photographer, I'llhave a better idea of what he's
looking for for his portfolioand we know how to communicate
with each other.
So it's a win win.
(21:15):
Regardless.
You're never going to feelready not a a hundred percent
but you have to take action.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I appreciate you and you givingthis show your time and
attention.
Remember, if you want todownload that free mini guide
that I've created to help youget your mindset in the right
(21:39):
place before you set foot intothe gym, go to the show notes
and download.
Lift Like you Mean it.
As always, I will catch you onthe next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and thisis episode 30.
I cannot be more excited.
We launched this show on March11th.
I am recording this on Friday,july 11th, and this is the 30th
episode.
So exciting, so grateful tohave you here.
(01:02):
And I had a bit of a humblingexperience a few days ago.
I was out to dinner with mybrother for his birthday, with
his girlfriend and a few of hisfriends, and something was
mentioned while we were passingappetizers around the table and
someone said oh, you told thisstory on a podcast episode, to
(01:23):
which I turned and looked at herand said oh, you listen to the
podcast?
And she said yeah, of course, Iput it on when I'm at work.
I love it, it keeps me goingand I'm just typing away on the
computer and it's cool to get toknow you in that way.
And then another person at thetable said yeah, I listened to
the show too.
And then, of course, my brothersaid yeah, I listened to the
(01:43):
show too, and it's great, listento the show too.
And then, of course, my brothersaid yeah, I listened to the
show too, and it's great, socool.
Three people that I was havingdinner with.
There were a few other peopleat the table as well, but three
people at the table all gave mepositive feedback about the show
and said they liked certainepisodes, and I cannot express
my gratitude anymore, express mygratitude anymore.
(02:10):
Before we dive into this episode, I want to remind you that if
you are someone who is lookingfor some support and getting
your head in the right place sothat you can work out
efficiently and command thespace around you when you walk
into the gym, when you get onthe fitness floor, check the
show notes, there is a linkwhere you can download a quick
mini guide that I have created,called Lift.
Like you Mean it, it'sbasically a five minute
(02:33):
pre-workout ritual.
It may take a little practiceto get the swing of it the first
few times you use it, but thereare some prompts for you to
think about.
There is space for you todownload this mini guide that
I've created and then you canhandwrite it.
So if you're someone like mewho loves pen and paper, you can
go that route, or you couldjust think about the questions
(02:56):
that I give you in this littleguide, just to help you get
clear on what it is you'relooking to accomplish and create
a small, bite-sized goal that'sattainable each time you set
foot into the gym.
Now, without further ado, thisepisode is going to touch upon
(03:17):
this idea of getting ready.
I've talked about theanticipation phase in previous
episodes.
I've talked about just gettingstarted and then making mistakes
, because you're bound to makemistakes regardless.
So we might as well startmaking them as soon as possible
(03:37):
so that you can get clarity andthen continue moving in the
right direction.
But here's the thing you maynot feel ready, and that might
be what's holding you back.
Last weekend, I did a brandphoto shoot with a friend of
mine, and the day of the shoot,he reached out to me, and I'm
(04:02):
going to read to you theexchange that we had, because I
think it's powerful and it'svulnerable.
So he reached out to me andsaid hey, ready for today?
And I responded as ready as Ican be I'm rusty with a laughing
emoji, and he said no worries,we'll do today, and we can do
(04:22):
this as many times until you andI are both well-oiled machines.
I replied okay, probably we'llneed to.
My insecurities start bubblingup every time I'm about to shoot
.
Ugh, I'll get through it.
And then I followed up withanother text and said I am
enough and what I'm doing isimportant and a part of my work.
(04:45):
This is what I keep thinking Iam enough and what I'm doing is
important.
That helped me get through theshoot.
That helped me get throughfeeling insecure in front of the
camera.
Now I wore a cute matching setof fitness outfit.
(05:10):
We did the shoot outdoors.
My midsection is showing in mostof the photos, because it's
basically a sports bra andmatching pants, and I have to be
completely transparent with youI do not love how I look in
many of the photos.
We took over a thousand photos,so of course, a lot of them
(05:36):
were in between.
A lot of them were metransitioning between pose to
pose.
A lot of them, I'm breathing.
I am a belly breather.
That comes from my martial artsbackground, and so there are
some photos where I'm looking atmyself and I'm thinking, damn,
this could have been a littlebit better if I did this or that
(05:58):
could have looked a little bitbetter had I turned my hip a
little bit more this way or putmy hand in this place better had
I turned my hip a little bitmore this way or put my hand in
this place or maybe pulled in alittle bit tighter.
And, as my friend said, we cando this as many times as we need
to until we become a well-oiledmachine.
And the truth is that the moreI work with a photographer, of
(06:21):
course, the better the sessionis and the better work we create
, because it's a collaboratoryeffort.
But the IFBB pro in me, theperfectionist in me, the dancer
in me, is never going to fullylove and embrace the finished
(06:41):
product.
Because I am my own worstcritic.
I can find a flaw in myself inevery single photo of me.
I can pick myself apart likethe worst bully in the world.
I wish I wasn't like that.
I do see that trait as a bit ofa flaw and I can simultaneously
(07:07):
say, wow, look how far I'vecome, look at how amazing I look
in this picture.
I can look at the same photoand in one breath of air I think
I look amazing, and then in thenext I think I look amazing,
and then in the next, seesomething that I don't love or
that I'd want to change.
So really, the moral of thisstory is that I'm never going to
(07:30):
feel ready, it's never going tobe perfect and the work is
never done.
But what if I could push thataside and look at the big
picture?
I told my friend this is partof something bigger than me.
(07:50):
This photo shoot is part of aproject that I have set my
sights on for a very long timeand only just recently found the
courage and made the investmentto find a mentor to give me an
organized process to follow thatmakes sense to me, that speaks
to me and that will be executedin a way that feels good from
(08:16):
start to finish.
I was moving along 100 miles anhour on this project and then I
hit a section where I realized,oh shit, I need new fitness
pictures, because the last setof photos that I have that I
would want to include in thisproject are from three years ago
(08:37):
and they are moody and dark andin a gym that's very masculine
looking.
So I'm sort of this littlebeacon of light wearing these
bright colors bright blue,bright orange.
In another set I wore hot pinkand black, very girly, with my
(09:01):
big hoop earrings and goldjewelry and my nails and makeup
done.
However, the photos are grittyand they're gorgeous, but
they're not the right mood andvibe for this new project.
I've shot with so many differentphotographers over the years.
I've shot with so manydifferent photographers over the
(09:24):
years.
I've done tons of photo shoots.
It's definitely not my firstrodeo and still there's always
something where I feel like notat my best.
I think this goes back toperhaps being a dancer and
feeling insecure performing onstage, knowing I'm not the
prettiest girl, I'm not thethinnest girl and I'm not the
(09:48):
best dancer in the group, butpeople do watch me.
I've had people tell me thatcame to see me perform in
different dance performances,whether it was the company I was
in in high school or thecompany I was a part of in
college.
Shout out to Black DanceRepertoire.
That is the name of the groupat Binghamton University.
(10:10):
We were a student organization,student run, and I think my
senior year of college I wasactually the vice president of
the organization.
So I loved that group and evenwhen we would travel and perform
at different schools and atdifferent events, people would
say, oh, my eyes caught you, myeyes went right to you.
(10:31):
People look at me.
I know that and yet still thereare parts of me that want to
hide.
There are things about me thatI question if they're good
enough and again, the work thatI'm doing is so fucking
important.
(10:51):
It doesn't matter if I thinkI'm pretty enough for this or if
I'm lean enough for this.
I didn't feel ready.
I didn't feel ready that day.
I was super nervous.
I think the first maybe 200photos I'm wearing a big t-shirt
and I was just trying to likewarm up and get comfortable with
(11:13):
my friends who I'd never workedwith before.
I was nervous about how peoplewould perceive me People in the
area where we were shooting.
It's a local river walk area,so there's people on their bikes
, there's kids in a localplayground not too far from
(11:35):
where we parked the car.
I was worried and I had to shutthose voices off.
I had to quiet down the noise.
I had to stop it and remindmyself that this work that I'm
doing is important for me andfor the people that I serve.
(11:56):
There was a time in my life,after getting my pro card, where
I gained an excessive amount ofweight in a very short period
of time.
I got my pro card in 2010 andwithin the same calendar year, I
gained over 50 pounds.
I had done a lot of damage tomy body in the process and I
(12:23):
take responsibility for that.
I didn't think it was going tohappen to me.
I was warned be careful.
What you're doing is dangerous.
It's not sustainable.
You might hit a rebound.
I didn't think it would happento me.
I truly thought I wasinvincible.
No, it's not going to happen tome.
I'll be fine Until I wasn't,and so towards the end of 2010,
(12:53):
almost all of 2011, most of 2012and well into 2013,.
For two and a half years almostthree years I wanted to just
curl up into a ball anddisappear.
I was extremely overweight, Iwas very uncomfortable, I had
irregular periods, my hormoneswere a mess, thyroid was a mess,
I had some issues with my liverand my kidneys the list goes on
(13:16):
and on and on.
And I lived in yoga pants, ahooded sweatshirt that zipped up
and a baseball hat, and I wouldpull my baseball hat so far
down over my eyes when I went tothe gym because I didn't want
to make eye contact with people,because I felt shame, I was
(13:36):
ashamed of myself and I wasembarrassed because I had once
been at the peak, at thepinnacle of conditioning.
And then I lost it.
And I will tell you that thegym is very similar to a bar or
(13:57):
the local hangout spot.
People say things because theysee you every day.
They see you at the same time.
Their inhibitions are down alittle bit.
A lot of people go to the gym toblow off steam, so they feel
relaxed, they're comfortable,and people say things that are
just so wildly inappropriate.
(14:18):
At one point.
A former gym partner came up tome and squeezed my belly while
I was doing crunches on a Swissball.
He came over and pinched mybelly and he was like you got to
work on this.
How embarrassing.
I was so mortified I let himhave it right then and there I
(14:44):
said I'm going through a lotwith my health and it has
nothing to do with bodybuildingor with me eating crazy.
This is something out of mycontrol and I'm working on it.
So fuck off.
Imagine I actually wound upchanging gyms at one point as
well, because I was soembarrassed.
I didn't want to see people, Ididn't want to talk about it.
(15:05):
I didn't want to explain whatwas going on, even if people
were genuinely concerned andwanted to know.
I just didn't want to talkabout it.
It was so deeply painful and tobe contacted by various
supplement companies or fromphotographers to do shoots,
(15:26):
because they had seen either mecompete on stage or they saw my
stage photos, or they saw someof the photos I did with the
photographer just before gettingon stage and they wanted to
work with me and I had to tellthem the ugly truth that I did
not look like that any longer.
You know how, on some socialmedia platforms it reminds you
(15:50):
like on this day 10 years ago,on this day 15 years ago.
And when I look back, sometimesI'll see things that I wrote
where someone had reached out tome and I'll say things that I
wrote where someone had reachedout to me and I'll say I'm
working on it.
I should be in better shape ina few months.
I was just saying that to keeppeople on the hook and
(16:10):
interested, but I really had noidea.
I was wishful.
I was hoping I would pray, butthere were days that I didn't
even want to get out of bed.
I was in so much pain.
But there were days that Ididn't even want to get out of
bed.
I was in so much pain my jointswere killing me.
(16:30):
Now I don't know if you knowthis, but when you gain weight
due to whatever circumstances orreasons, particularly on your
knees, for every pound of weightup, it feels like four pounds
of pressure on your knees,especially going up and down a
flight of stairs or if you'rehiking.
And little by little by little,I eventually found answers.
(16:53):
I eventually started to feelbetter.
I eventually got myself to aplace where I wasn't as insecure
being out in public.
I would say it was probablyaround the spring of 2012.
I was still struggling, but itwas a little bit better.
(17:13):
So to look at photos from lastweek and I mean, I know what I
weigh and I know what I weighedon the day of the shoot and to
look at the photos and see whatI look like and look at my
energy, I'm super proud of that.
But if I only lived by what thescale said or if I only went by
(17:38):
what I used to be like, then Iprobably wouldn't have felt
ready.
I probably wouldn't have feltready to take this next part of
this action plan that I have inplace, to take these photos that
are so important becausethey're a part of something that
I'm working on that's going tomake an imprint on people's
(18:01):
lives, and it doesn't matter ifit's one or two people or if
it's a couple hundred, or maybeit might even be more, who knows
?
I believe the sky's the limit.
I believe the universe isabundant and I believe that
there is more than enough outthere for all of us to
accomplish our dreams and besuccessful and to gain whatever
(18:23):
it is our heart is set on.
What I do know is when I wasuncomfortable in my own skin,
when I did only live in theseyoga pants that had a rolled
down waist so that I couldbreathe and feel more
comfortable in my own skin, Inever thought I would be in a
(18:43):
place where I could take photosagain.
I questioned if I would everfeel confident at the gym again.
I didn't know if I'd ever getto at least even somewhere that
resembled what I once lookedlike, let alone be a better
version, and I do believe that Iam a better version because of
(19:05):
all of the things I'veexperienced, because of the
knowledge and the backgroundthat.
I have now.
Sometimes I think all of thosethings were supposed to happen
so that I could grow and becomethis version of me right now,
and in a week from now, a monthfrom now, a year from now, I'm
(19:27):
going to be another version ofmyself.
It's kind of why I laugh whenold people come around or
someone reaches out to me,particularly Facebook.
Facebook is a swamp, that's theword.
It's full of all these peoplethat I barely spoke to back in
(19:47):
the day and now they just watchmy life and think that they know
me, and every once in a while,somebody from there will reach
out and they allude to the factof some story or something about
me from the past, for example,this one friend I remember.
She reached out to me at onepoint and was like hey, we're
(20:10):
going to go hear that DJ.
Remember you used to love him.
Do you want to come?
And my music tastes have reallychanged a lot.
And I just said to her yeah,I'm good, I don't listen to that
anymore, but thanks forthinking of me.
But that's not who I am anymore, that's who I was.
You're probably never going tofeel fully ready, but if you
(20:33):
don't at least start to move inthe direction that you want,
you're not going to accomplishmuch.
You're going to be stuck.
I know it's scary, but you gotto take action.
You got to do the thing, andmaybe I'll look at these photos
again and say, oh my gosh, I wascrazy.
These photos are amazing.
(20:54):
I love them.
I look beautiful and they'refulfilling the purpose.
Or I might just look back andsay you know what?
This was a good stepping stone,and now the next time I work
with this photographer, I'llhave a better idea of what he's
looking for for his portfolioand we know how to communicate
with each other.
So it's a win win.
(21:15):
Regardless.
You're never going to feelready not a a hundred percent
but you have to take action.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I appreciate you and you givingthis show your time and
attention.
Remember, if you want todownload that free mini guide
that I've created to help youget your mindset in the right
(21:39):
place before you set foot intothe gym, go to the show notes
and download.
Lift Like you Mean it.
As always, I will catch you onthe next one.
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