What About Me? How This Question Changed Me

"Well, what about me?" These four simple words transformed my understanding of boundaries and self-care. What initially shocked me—his casual request for coffee when supplies were low—ultimately gave me permission to prioritize my own needs without guilt.

The beauty of this lesson was its unexpectedness. While our relationship didn't last, his natural ability to advocate for himself showed me what healthy boundary-setting looks like. During the isolation of lockdown, I had time to reflect on this interaction. Where was I making unnecessary sacrifices? With family, friends, and especially clients, I needed to learn to say "this is what works for me" without apologizing for having limits.

The truth is powerfully simple: you cannot pour from an empty cup. When we fail to maintain boundaries, we end up resentful. The responsibility falls on us to clearly articulate our needs and limits, especially with those closest to us who might take our availability for granted.

What I've learned is that boundaries and kindness can coexist beautifully. You can be firm without being harsh. You can say "that doesn't work for me" while still maintaining peaceful relationships. 

The next time you feel drained or resentful, look inward and ask where you need to take responsibility for your boundaries. Because ultimately, if you don't advocate for your needs, who will? 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate

(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and onthis episode I am going to share
with you how one single momentwith a guy that I was dating
changed everything for me.
Now, before you get all excited, the relationship was not that

(01:01):
serious, it was prettyshort-lived, but this one moment
, this one interaction that Ihad with this man, changed the
way I saw the world.
It changed how I was going tooperate when it came to
maintaining boundaries,establishing boundaries,

(01:24):
maintaining boundaries and notfeeling shitty about it, doing
it in a way that it feels good,that it feels authentic.
Now social media will have usall over the place, because
there are people who will saythey're implementing boundaries,
but what they're really doingis not facing the truth.

(01:44):
They're avoiding confrontation.
They're facing the truth.
They're avoiding confrontation.
They're avoiding uncomfortableconversations, they're avoiding
being in uncomfortablesituations and dealing with life
.
That's not healthy.
But if you're someone who, likemyself, who, like myself, works

(02:09):
with a lot of people on aday-to-day basis, then there
does need to be some sort ofboundary when it comes to your
phone and answering textmessages and calls, when it
comes to unplugging at night,when it comes to off hours and,
truly, the only person that canestablish what is acceptable or

(02:29):
not is you?
Now I want to tell the storyabout this one statement, this
one question that this guy saidto me.
That really had me thinking.
Now I'm painting the picturefor you.
So he lived an hour away andsometimes I would sleep at his

(02:51):
house, usually on the weekends,and every once in a while he
would come down and I say downbecause he lived North and I
lived South.
He would drive South andsurprise me, or sometimes we
would go have dinner and then hewould spend the night with me
and he would wake up early inthe morning and leave my
apartment with me.
He didn't like stay and hangout in my apartment.

(03:13):
He went and did his thing,whether he was going to work or
going home.
He had an irregular schedulefor his line of work.
He always woke up in themornings with me, regardless of

(03:33):
the time.
He would prepare coffee.
A lot of times he'd pack mylunch.
He'd make sure I had everythingI needed.
If there was snow on the groundor snow on the cars, he would
turn my car on.
He would clean it off.
Really nice person.
And I have to say on a side notethat although it didn't work
out, I am grateful for thatexperience because I got to feel

(03:59):
like what it feels like to bewith a good person, with
somebody who's got a soft heart,with somebody who can be kind
and gentle in a world that's canbe kind and gentle in a world
that's kind of designed to makeus be a little bit hard.

(04:19):
So he always made coffee for usin the morning and would sit
with me and sip on coffee and inhis house he had a fireplace.
In my house we would just kindof sit in bed and sit up and sip
on the coffee for a few minutesbefore I had to get ready for
work.
And this one night I waspreparing the coffee machine the
night before with the timer andsetting it up and I realized I

(04:40):
didn't have that much coffee.
So I go to my room and I say,hey, I don't think I have enough
coffee for both of us.
There's not that much.
I should have went to thegrocery store, but you know I've
just been busy.
And he looks at me and goeswell, what about me?
And that moment right there,that moment right there changed

(05:03):
my perspective forever.
Now, in the moment, I just kindof took a pause and I said you
know what, let me go check again.
And I looked through the pantryin my kitchen and I did find
more coffee, so we were able tohave a cup together, which was
really important for me.
I really loved that slow, quiet, not a ton of talking, just

(05:30):
being together sipping thecoffee.
You know, his hand like on myknee or my hand on him or
whatever, like that is just soromantic and sweet and I love
that.
I obviously do cherish that,even though the relationship
didn't work out and we didn'tend up staying together much

(05:52):
longer after that moment,because I realized that this is
a good person.
But if I was to move in withhim or get more serious, I would
be settling, because there weresome real serious gaps in this
relationship for me that I wasdissatisfied with, even though
he was a really nice person andI was very attracted to him.

(06:15):
But the gaps were too big forme and so, instead of wasting
anyone's time, I ended it.
Now we enter into this lockdownphase and in New York state it
was pretty brutal.
We had no clubs, no restaurants, no get togethers, no social

(06:39):
events, no gym.
It was tough.
The first month or so, thefirst six weeks, it rained a lot
, it was really cold spring hereand I was left to just sit with
my feelings and my grief andprocess.
In some ways that was ablessing in disguise, because I

(06:59):
had no other choice but toprocess my emotions and navigate
that.
And I remember the first daythat I started to really think
back on what were some of theholes in our relationship.

(07:21):
I remember that night when hesaid well, what about me?
And I have to say I wasslightly offended and also
shocked and slightly in awebecause how could somebody say

(07:42):
well, what about me?
You're not the one going towork the next morning, I'm the
one going to work first of all,so you don't really need the
coffee.
You could stop at the gasstation right up the street and
get a cup if you need it, right?
Also, he's the man in thesituation, so he should give me
the coffee if there's onlyenough for one cup.

(08:03):
So he should give me the coffeeif there's only enough for one
cup.
But the awe part was how naturalit was for him to even say,
think and feel that in thatmoment, and I really had to
process this, because it showedme that he is someone who

(08:26):
understands he needs to fill hiscup too, and it's not
necessarily selfish if you wantto fill your cup first or if you
want to fill your cup and thentake care of other people.
Now, I've said this many timesin many ways on all of my social

(08:49):
platforms and definitely onthis show but you cannot pour
from an empty cup.
It's physically impossible.
So that means you need to taketime to replenish, take time to
recover and take time to restore, and a part of that is to

(09:11):
maintain your routine, whetherit's a nighttime routine,
whether it's a morning routine,whatever the rituals are.
If those are the things thatyou need to operate in a
efficient and optimal manner,then those are the things you
need to be doing.
I was not upset in the momentwhen he said well, what about me

(09:35):
?
I was upset a little bit afterthe fact, but then I actually
found myself feeling gratitudebecause it also showed me and
gave me permission to fill mycup first, and this has helped

(09:57):
me in so many ways, particularlyin my work life, because I used
to have a hard time withboundaries and feel frustrated
and aggravated.
And the truth of the matter is,if a client texts me late at
night and I'm already in bed andI answer and I'm frustrated,

(10:19):
well, whose fault is that?
That's my fault?
Is that that's my fault?
But if I have my phone onsilent, if I disregard, if I
don't look at it, if I waituntil a time where I'm actually
awake and can piece together mythoughts and answer
appropriately, or at a time thatI feel is more appropriate now,

(10:40):
I'm doing right by this otherperson.
So there's nothing wrong withnot answering right away, but
there is something wrong if I'mgoing to answer right away and
then hold a grudge or beirritated or act like a bitch
the next time I see this person,when I could just say like hey,
just so, you know I go to bedat nine o'clock most nights of

(11:02):
the week and be done with it.
You know I go to bed at nineo'clock most nights of the week
and be done with it.
So that question well, whatabout me?
Pivotal changed the game for mein so many ways because it
really got me thinking.

(11:23):
Where am I making sacrificesfor people that I don't need to.
Where am I letting people walkall over me?
What situations?
With my close friends, withpeople that I've known for years
, with family, with anyone whomight take me for granted
because they think they know me,because they've known me for so

(11:45):
long?
Where do I need to reiteratewhat my limits are, what my
boundaries are, and how can I dothat in a way that says what
about me?
And also, I'm sorry, but no,that doesn't work for me right
now.
This is what works for meBecause ultimately it's on me.

(12:10):
It is my responsibility to makesure that I am clear in
communicating my needs, mydesires, what my non-negotiables
are, and doing it in a way thatI can still have peaceful
relationships but maintain thatboundary, especially with the

(12:30):
people that I care about themost.
I just had a weird interactionwith a friend of mine a couple
of days ago and it was primarilyweird because the person caught
me completely off guard and Ianswered at an inopportune time
in between something when I wasrushing and, unfortunately for

(12:50):
me, I just rapid fire answeredwithout really thinking and put
my phone down, and then, hourslater, I see a response and the
person was like can we talk onthe phone, because I think
you're really upset with me andI'm not and I wasn't.
I was just caught in a momentand I was super busy and I just
fired off a response withoutgiving it thought and realizing,

(13:13):
well, there's a situation whereI didn't establish the fact
that I was very busy in themoment and at work and couldn't
answer properly, and that's onme.
So the next time you findyourself feeling a little bit
aggravated, or you feel drained,or you feel empty, or you feel

(13:36):
like you don't have enough time,or you feel like things are not
where they need to be, I'mchallenging you to look in the
mirror.
I'm challenging you to take alook at where you can take some
responsibility for that, becauseif it's happening and it's
happening often, or it'shappening with the same person,

(13:58):
and it's happening often, orit's happening with the same
person, you know, ah, every timethis person calls me, they just
drive me nuts.
Well, you are the one that isallowing them to drive you nuts.
And maybe, if they always reachout to you at a time that you
want to be relaxing and youdon't want to be on your phone,
you can let them know that in anice way, in a way that's not
going to be damaging to therelationship.

(14:19):
Now, that's obviously just oneexample.
There are millions, but it isup to you.
If someone is irritating you,if someone is pressing a
boundary, you are responsiblefor reminding them.
You need to do it in a clearway.
You need to hold the line andbe firm.
You can be kind and firm at thesame time.

(14:43):
I hope you found this episodehelpful.
If you enjoyed the show, pleasefollow along so that you can
get notified when the nextepisode drops.
I love doing this, I lovehaving these conversations with
you, and I am so grateful tohave you here in my world
sharing these stories, sharingthese experiences with me.

(15:05):
This is all I got.
I'm going to leave this oneright here and, as always, I'll
catch you on the next one.