June 9, 2025 • 27 mins
Shame and self-judgment can be the invisible chains that hold us back from living our most authentic lives. Have you ever stopped to wonder who's really behind that critical voice in your head?
This powerful episode explores the relationship between shame, judgment, and authentic self-expression. Drawing inspiration from Brené Brown's groundbreaking work on vulnerability, we examine how shame fundamentally represents our fear of disconnection from others.
Through personal stories about career choices, educational paths, and family dynamics, we unpack the complex layers of programming that influence our self-perception. Our beliefs don't emerge from nowhere – they're passed down through generations, often by people who were simply doing their best with the tools they had.
The journey toward authenticity requires courage. Remember, vulnerability isn't weakness – it's where true human connection happens.
Ready to break free from unnecessary self-judgment? Your answers might just unlock a profound shift in how you see yourself and relate to others. Subscribe to the show and join me on this journey toward building an unbreakable mind and body.
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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Ijust want to say thank you so
much for tuning in.
I've gotten a lot of greatfeedback on the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Ijust want to say thank you so
(00:48):
much for tuning in.
I've gotten a lot of greatfeedback on the show.
Even this past week, I kind offelt a little bit uncertain
about what I wanted to talkabout on this particular episode
and I was feeling a bituninspired.
And then, just yesterday, I hadtwo different people from two
different quadrants of my lifegive me some positive feedback
about episodes that theylistened to, that they said
(01:11):
helped them and, seriously, thisis why I keep showing up and
doing this thing so quick.
Thank you to those of you whohave been tuning in and if this
is your first time tuning intothe show, welcome.
Have a seat, grab a notebookand a pen.
I always will give you somethings to think about, some
(01:34):
questions to ponder, and Ibelieve that through the
downtime, when you're relaxed,when you're calm, that's when
the downloads will come to you.
So that's why I alwaysencourage people to either
bookmark the episodes that speakto them or to just write down
(01:55):
the questions that you want tothink about at a later time, or
just think about and then leaveit up to the universe to deliver
the answer at the right time.
So this episode is going to beprimarily focused around
judgment and shame, and one ofthe things that I have had to
really work through in my adultlife is overcoming unnecessary
(02:21):
feelings of shame andself-judgment.
Now it is important that wetalk about the definitions of
these things, because, while weall may assume we know what they
mean to us or how they make usfeel, shame is really rooted in
(02:41):
this fear of disconnection,really rooted in this fear of
disconnection.
That's really what it boilsdown to, and I will tell you
that the first time I wasbrought to my knees, hysterical,
in tears, watching a TED Talk,was the Brene Brown TED Talk the
(03:07):
Power of Vulnerability.
I highly recommend if you havenever seen this TED Talk.
It is worth the 20 minutes ofyour life.
This TED Talk took place inHouston, texas, in 2010.
So it's about 15 years old.
The video has 23 million views.
Let that sink in.
This video has 23 million views.
(03:31):
Brene Brown was already a verywell-established author, speaker
and somebody who has helpedother humans work through their
struggles.
I don't actually know herformal title and it's funny
because in the TED Talk from 15years ago, that is actually how
(03:54):
she starts the conversation,coming up with the appropriate
title because she is aresearcher, but she's also a
storyteller and I'm astoryteller too, obviously.
Now this TED Talk ultimatelynavigates the conversation
around.
Why do some people feel theirworthiness, or lack of
(04:20):
worthiness, of love andconnection and good experiences
and it really came from thisplace of well?
The people who can give ofthose things so easily also
believe they're worthy ofreceiving them.
This is where I had to pausethe video and I just started
(04:45):
bawling.
Now I wish I could remember howthe video was sent to me or how
I stumbled upon it, but eitherway, it's been something I
viewed so many times over andover.
I always walk away afterwatching it feeling like I've
learned or heard something newfrom that presentation, from
(05:06):
that TED Talk.
So again, I highly recommendyou watch.
But the conversation,particularly around judgment Now
this one, this one's reallysticky for me and it might be
for you too, because I thinkit's important to recognize
(05:28):
where are you judging yourselfunnecessarily in your life?
That's the first question.
Where are you judging yourselfunnecessarily in life?
Now, about two months ago, now,about two months ago, I started
(05:53):
working with a new mentor and Ienrolled in her mindset course.
I call it therapy because ittruly is like therapy for me and
her course, the coach's course,is all about working on your
beliefs, on your inner narrative, getting your nervous system
regulated, being able to fullystep into your authenticity and,
yes, these are things I havebeen working on for most of my
(06:16):
adult life.
However, the work is never done.
So I got to a certain level andthen I sort of plateaued.
So I got to a certain level andthen I sort of plateaued.
This coach has been helping mewith getting my mind right, with
feeling more comfortable indifferent, bigger capacities,
with holding space, and what'sinteresting to me is that I
(06:41):
organically sort of flew throughall of the material.
It's a self-paced course thathas an online community where we
can ask questions and conversewith other students in the
course.
We have lifetime access to thematerial and we do a group call
once a month.
(07:01):
So within the course work,there's workbooks and I flew
through the first three modules.
There's four modules and thensome bonus material.
The first three modules flewright through.
It Wasn't rushed, wasn't losingsleep over it, but just was
very excited and engaged.
And then I get to phase fourand we start to talk about
(07:24):
judgment and for some reason Icould not get myself to do the
workbook.
I printed it out and I wouldanswer a question and I just
couldn't get my mind right forsome reason.
Now it's funny because I had totell myself okay, let's not
(07:44):
judge myself in this situationfor not feeling inspired and
motivated, charismatic whateverword you want to call it
enthusiastic to do this workbook.
I'm just going to leave italone.
And I moved on to the next videoand I skipped ahead.
(08:05):
But then I had to go back tothe judgment chapter and do that
workbook and I thought it wasfascinating because it's the
kind of thing where I said tomyself I thought I did this
already.
Like what's going on here, like, didn't we work through this
already?
Don't we know where thesebeliefs come from?
(08:27):
We know that this is not true,that this is just some narrative
I've been programmed tosubscribe to from my childhood.
But this is not who I trulybelieve myself to be.
Nor do I need to feel shame orbe afraid to be seen.
And guess what?
Apparently I did have someshame and I still have some work
(08:49):
to do mentally in my heart, inmy head, in my soul.
And it really is so interestingwhen I look back in my past, on
all these times in my lifewhere I felt I was judging
(09:09):
myself for things that were notfully in my control, um, and I
had to stop and ask myself whosevoice is that?
Because I want to be nice tomyself.
So who's judging me?
Like, where is this coming from?
And that leads me to the secondquestion, which is what is the
(09:34):
root belief here?
Like, what is this judgment allabout?
Let's just slow down for amoment and think about where
this is really coming from.
When I think back to the earlydays in my career, I felt like I
was not being paid what I wasworth.
I remember being in engineeringschool and our professors
(09:59):
telling us things like yes.
School and our professorstelling us things like yes, when
you graduate college, yourstarting salary will be
significantly higher than yourfriends who are in other majors
or who are studying differentthings at different schools.
Because you're in engineering.
That simply was not for me.
I remember feeling judged whenI changed jobs because the time
(10:26):
that I grew up in in the 80s,our parents, our grandparents
had one job for multiple decades.
They never left the companies.
It was a very different time soI thought it was a bad thing to
change my job because it wouldbe something else to add to the
resume that I wasn't loyal to acertain company.
(10:49):
I remember judging myselfaround the idea of changing my
major.
I'd never changed my major eventhough I knew from day one of
my first day of college freshmanyear that engineering probably
wasn't the right thing for me.
But I stuck it out for fourmiserable, grueling years
(11:12):
because I had some shame aroundchanging my major or changing
schools.
I thought change was bad.
I've even felt shame aroundposting certain types of photos.
I remember first competing insome bodybuilding shows and
(11:35):
posting a few stage photos, buthaving fear and uncertainty
around doing photo shoots withphotographers.
Even though I'm covered,there's no nudity and nothing
inappropriate, but I still feltsome shame around putting these
(11:56):
photos on the internet forsimply anyone to view, these
photos on the internet forsimply anyone to view.
Again, it's a different time.
Through all of those things,where did the shame come from?
Where was this judgment comingfrom and what was the root
belief?
I wish I knew back then what Iknow now.
(12:18):
I wish I had the questions andthe mindset to slow down and
allow myself to be within myears, within my head, within my
heart, to really sit and answerthose questions honestly.
And I think that the shamereally came from the fact that I
knew what the answer was.
I was doing what I thought Iwas supposed to be doing came
(12:38):
from the fact that I knew whatthe answer was.
I was doing what I thought Iwas supposed to be doing.
I was doing what I thoughtwould be approved.
I was doing what I thoughtwould just keep my head below
the radar, don't cause too manyripples.
I went through a really hardtime, particularly with my mom,
(12:59):
but also with other adults in mylife who would make comments,
and I don't think that theymeant to hurt me, but as a kid,
when you're insecure, whenyou're very impressionable, they
sting and they stick with youforever.
And I recall, I recall feelingbadly for some of my birth,
(13:23):
given gifts.
I have no control over myappearance.
I have no control over my body,especially what I was born into
as a kid and I remember beingtreated differently by some
family members because I wasquote unquote the pretty one and
I was smart and it was almostunfair in some people's eyes
(13:49):
that, according to them theseare their words that I was born
pretty and smart and I had areally tough life but I seemed
to be doing okay.
What they didn't know was thatbehind closed doors, I was
suffering.
When I was about 12 years old,I had suicidal thoughts and I
hated my life and hatedeverything in my life for a good
(14:12):
number of years because it hadbeen ripped upside down.
My dad was on the cover of thenewspaper for several weeks when
I was in the seventh gradebecause of the crimes that he
committed.
My whole family was separatedand torn apart and it was on
public display for everyone inthe community to witness.
Now there's where some shamecame from right.
(14:36):
The third question which I kindof touched on already, is to ask
yourself the judgment rightthat you identify and then
figuring out, like what is theroot cause or where is it?
Stemming from Question numberthree is this belief true or is
(14:58):
this a narrative that you havebeen programmed to subscribe to?
I'm going to say that again.
Question number three is thistrue or is this a narrative that
you have been subscribed to,that someone programmed you to
(15:18):
believe?
Think about that, becausethat's what a belief is.
It's a thought that has beenliving in your head for so long
that in your core you think it'sa truth, it's a fact.
But is it or is that just theway you think?
(15:42):
Now we have a lot of complexlayers to work through.
When we're talking aboutbeliefs, when we're talking
about programming, we are seedsor children of two complex human
(16:03):
beings that came together andthen they are the offspring of
two other complex beings.
So each layer has morepersonality, more culture, more
experiences and definitely moretrauma that they bring to the
table.
(16:25):
And I don't know about you, butin my family therapy was not a
real big thing, especially formy grandparents.
They didn't go to therapy, theydrank beer.
I remember being a little kidvisiting my dad's parents and it
was the strangest situationbecause my grandmother on my
(16:50):
dad's side, she was divorcedfrom my grandfather my dad's dad
and she was remarried, but mygrandfather was a merchant
Marine.
So when he would come home tothe States and then ultimately
they all moved to Puerto Rico.
(17:11):
When I was about eight yearsold, they moved back there.
When he would come home, guesswhere he wanted to be?
He wanted to be with mygrandmother, even though they
weren't together anymore.
Be, he wanted to be with mygrandmother even though they
weren't together anymore.
Like they cohabitated in thesame dwelling.
They weren't together and Idon't think that they were
intimate any longer.
I mean, I really don't know.
I was just a little kid.
But here's the unusualcircumstance when I would go
(17:34):
visit my abuela, she was therewith her husband and my
grandfather when he would behome from being out to sea.
So that was confusing.
I totally went on a tangentthere, but I just thought that
that I just had that thought asI was, as I was talking about
(17:55):
complex beings and therapy notbeing a real thing for many
generations, and perhaps thesame is true for you.
By the way, going to therapy isnot a get out of jail free card.
It doesn't mean you instantlybypass things.
Going to therapy simply meansthat you are willing, maybe even
(18:22):
eager, to unpack your shit andhave somebody maybe help you
fold it a different way andorganize it and then repack it,
but you still have the shit withyou.
It never leaves you.
You just change how younavigate it internally.
Now there's one more thing Iwant to touch on.
When we're talking aboutjudgment, particularly
(18:45):
self-judgment, I want you to askyourself what is the risk in
following your heart andexpressing yourself
authentically?
What is the risk in followingyour heart and expressing
yourself authentically?
(19:05):
Now we are in Pride Month and Iam somebody who firmly believes
that everyone is entitled tolove who they love and to step
into their authenticity in thebiggest and most celebratory way
(19:26):
, which is fucking scary, andI'm here to back up anybody who
feels fear around that.
I support you.
But what would the risk be ifyou expressed yourself, if you
(19:49):
showed up as who you really are?
It would repel the wrong people, but you would also be a magnet
for the right people.
You would be an attractor, andyou would be an attractor and
you would also show others thatit's okay to be themselves.
(20:11):
It's okay to be unique.
It's okay to be different.
Now, of course, we live in adigital age.
There are people who love tojust say things for attention,
do things for attention.
I mean, that is the biggest orthe most valuable form of
currency that we have in thismoment of time is people's
(20:32):
attention.
So there are those out therewho look for the clickbait or
who say things that are totallyout of the ordinary and unusual
because they want the attention.
But for those of you who mayfeel some fear around truly
expressing yourself by the way,this doesn't have to be in the
(20:55):
online space.
I'm talking about every singleday when you don't feel fear
that stops you from speakingyour truth, or if you speak your
truth in spite of feeling thatfear, you allow for like-minded
(21:19):
individuals to connect with you.
That's how you build connection, through being vulnerable, and
that's truly where the magiclies.
I have had fear.
I still do have fear.
This, this, uh, not thisepisode this podcast launched on
(21:44):
March 11th it was on a Tuesdayand I still have fear that
certain people in my family arelistening to this show and just
collecting data and notes, readyto attack whenever the
opportunity presents itself andthat could just be in my
imagination or it might be real.
(22:05):
Either way, I'm going to dowhatever the fuck I want anyway,
because I am 46 years old and Iam not living behind a mask
anymore, talking about shame.
In my childhood, when my fathergot arrested and went to jail my
mom, she just thought she wasprotecting us, but she would
(22:30):
tell my brother and she wouldtell me not to tell people where
he was.
She didn't want them to know.
Tell him he's upstate.
Not very original.
I mean.
Thinking back now, peopleprobably knew exactly what that
meant.
But at the time we wereprotecting ourselves, we were
protecting our family, we wereprotecting our reputation.
(22:51):
And I do still find it quiteinteresting when I share with
people that yeah, my dad went toprison when I was 12 years old.
That immediately go what for.
With people that, yeah, my dadwent to prison when I was 12
years old, that immediately gowhat for.
Come on, that's really rudenumber one.
And if you are genuinelycurious time and place, I have
(23:17):
no shame talking about it.
It's not something I'm guiltyof, but it's still painful to
discuss.
And remembering this grievingchild that I was seventh grade,
I mean, I just remember the kidsat school talking and
whispering behind my back andsaying all sorts of stupid shit
(23:39):
and I got to tell you as alittle kid I was kind of an
asshole because we didn't have alot of structure and true
discipline in the home when welived with my dad.
So the attention I wasn'tgetting at home I was for damn
sure going to get it at schoolwasn't getting like the top
(24:06):
grade on an exam or in a classsubmission Like.
I remember in fourth grade Igot the best grade in the class
on a history exam and I fuckingwas showboating it for days
because I was so proud of myself, mainly because I wasn't one of
the nerds in school.
I wasn't labeled as a nerd butI truly was.
But I remember just always,always acting out, being loud,
(24:28):
being rambunctious, gettingattention, jumping up and down
and thinking back now I'm sure Iwas really fucking annoying and
I understand why some of theother kids in my school probably
didn't like me very much.
High school probably didn'tlike me very much.
Then you add this layer of megrowing up with a dad who found
himself in trouble and peoplepointing fingers.
(24:51):
So yeah, I had no shame as akid until it flipped on its head
and then I had a lot of shame.
But, going back to life, when welook back at the decisions we
make, think about times whereyou judged yourself.
(25:11):
Think about times where youdidn't follow your heart.
Think about times where youreally wanted to do something
and something else stopped you,like it was so close but just
oops, not enough, or not thistime.
So I want to go back and repeatthese questions for you so that
(25:33):
you can explore them on yourown time and in your own way.
Number one where are youjudging yourself unnecessarily
in life?
One where are you judgingyourself unnecessarily in life?
Number two what is the rootbelief here?
Number three is this true or isthis a narrative you have been
(26:01):
programmed to subscribe to?
And number four what is therisk in following your heart and
expressing yourselfauthentically?
(26:29):
I challenge you to show up to anevent, to a conversation, to a
get together, to a meeting, to asession with your trainer and
be a little bit more open thenext time.
You never know what someone isgoing through behind closed
doors or in their head, or rightbefore they walk out to meet
you or train with you or have adrink with you or meet you for
dinner.
Everybody has a story,everybody's dealing with shit,
(26:49):
everybody's going throughsomething.
And when you're vulnerable andwhen you give people permission
to just kind of fall apart alittle bit in your space and
feel safe, that's where youcreate real connection.
People may not remembereverything you say or everything
(27:14):
you do, but they, for damn sure, will remember exactly how you
make them feel, exactly how youmake them feel.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
Thank you for being here.
If you enjoyed this show,please follow along so you can
get notifications whenever anepisode is published.
(27:35):
I appreciate you being here andI'll see you on the next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
podcast.
I am your host, tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate, creative
storyteller and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Ijust want to say thank you so
much for tuning in.
I've gotten a lot of greatfeedback on the show.
I am your host, tiana, and Ijust want to say thank you so
(00:48):
much for tuning in.
I've gotten a lot of greatfeedback on the show.
Even this past week, I kind offelt a little bit uncertain
about what I wanted to talkabout on this particular episode
and I was feeling a bituninspired.
And then, just yesterday, I hadtwo different people from two
different quadrants of my lifegive me some positive feedback
about episodes that theylistened to, that they said
(01:11):
helped them and, seriously, thisis why I keep showing up and
doing this thing so quick.
Thank you to those of you whohave been tuning in and if this
is your first time tuning intothe show, welcome.
Have a seat, grab a notebookand a pen.
I always will give you somethings to think about, some
(01:34):
questions to ponder, and Ibelieve that through the
downtime, when you're relaxed,when you're calm, that's when
the downloads will come to you.
So that's why I alwaysencourage people to either
bookmark the episodes that speakto them or to just write down
(01:55):
the questions that you want tothink about at a later time, or
just think about and then leaveit up to the universe to deliver
the answer at the right time.
So this episode is going to beprimarily focused around
judgment and shame, and one ofthe things that I have had to
really work through in my adultlife is overcoming unnecessary
(02:21):
feelings of shame andself-judgment.
Now it is important that wetalk about the definitions of
these things, because, while weall may assume we know what they
mean to us or how they make usfeel, shame is really rooted in
(02:41):
this fear of disconnection,really rooted in this fear of
disconnection.
That's really what it boilsdown to, and I will tell you
that the first time I wasbrought to my knees, hysterical,
in tears, watching a TED Talk,was the Brene Brown TED Talk the
(03:07):
Power of Vulnerability.
I highly recommend if you havenever seen this TED Talk.
It is worth the 20 minutes ofyour life.
This TED Talk took place inHouston, texas, in 2010.
So it's about 15 years old.
The video has 23 million views.
Let that sink in.
This video has 23 million views.
(03:31):
Brene Brown was already a verywell-established author, speaker
and somebody who has helpedother humans work through their
struggles.
I don't actually know herformal title and it's funny
because in the TED Talk from 15years ago, that is actually how
(03:54):
she starts the conversation,coming up with the appropriate
title because she is aresearcher, but she's also a
storyteller and I'm astoryteller too, obviously.
Now this TED Talk ultimatelynavigates the conversation
around.
Why do some people feel theirworthiness, or lack of
(04:20):
worthiness, of love andconnection and good experiences
and it really came from thisplace of well?
The people who can give ofthose things so easily also
believe they're worthy ofreceiving them.
This is where I had to pausethe video and I just started
(04:45):
bawling.
Now I wish I could remember howthe video was sent to me or how
I stumbled upon it, but eitherway, it's been something I
viewed so many times over andover.
I always walk away afterwatching it feeling like I've
learned or heard something newfrom that presentation, from
(05:06):
that TED Talk.
So again, I highly recommendyou watch.
But the conversation,particularly around judgment Now
this one, this one's reallysticky for me and it might be
for you too, because I thinkit's important to recognize
(05:28):
where are you judging yourselfunnecessarily in your life?
That's the first question.
Where are you judging yourselfunnecessarily in life?
Now, about two months ago, now,about two months ago, I started
(05:53):
working with a new mentor and Ienrolled in her mindset course.
I call it therapy because ittruly is like therapy for me and
her course, the coach's course,is all about working on your
beliefs, on your inner narrative, getting your nervous system
regulated, being able to fullystep into your authenticity and,
yes, these are things I havebeen working on for most of my
(06:16):
adult life.
However, the work is never done.
So I got to a certain level andthen I sort of plateaued.
So I got to a certain level andthen I sort of plateaued.
This coach has been helping mewith getting my mind right, with
feeling more comfortable indifferent, bigger capacities,
with holding space, and what'sinteresting to me is that I
(06:41):
organically sort of flew throughall of the material.
It's a self-paced course thathas an online community where we
can ask questions and conversewith other students in the
course.
We have lifetime access to thematerial and we do a group call
once a month.
(07:01):
So within the course work,there's workbooks and I flew
through the first three modules.
There's four modules and thensome bonus material.
The first three modules flewright through.
It Wasn't rushed, wasn't losingsleep over it, but just was
very excited and engaged.
And then I get to phase fourand we start to talk about
(07:24):
judgment and for some reason Icould not get myself to do the
workbook.
I printed it out and I wouldanswer a question and I just
couldn't get my mind right forsome reason.
Now it's funny because I had totell myself okay, let's not
(07:44):
judge myself in this situationfor not feeling inspired and
motivated, charismatic whateverword you want to call it
enthusiastic to do this workbook.
I'm just going to leave italone.
And I moved on to the next videoand I skipped ahead.
(08:05):
But then I had to go back tothe judgment chapter and do that
workbook and I thought it wasfascinating because it's the
kind of thing where I said tomyself I thought I did this
already.
Like what's going on here, like, didn't we work through this
already?
Don't we know where thesebeliefs come from?
(08:27):
We know that this is not true,that this is just some narrative
I've been programmed tosubscribe to from my childhood.
But this is not who I trulybelieve myself to be.
Nor do I need to feel shame orbe afraid to be seen.
And guess what?
Apparently I did have someshame and I still have some work
(08:49):
to do mentally in my heart, inmy head, in my soul.
And it really is so interestingwhen I look back in my past, on
all these times in my lifewhere I felt I was judging
(09:09):
myself for things that were notfully in my control, um, and I
had to stop and ask myself whosevoice is that?
Because I want to be nice tomyself.
So who's judging me?
Like, where is this coming from?
And that leads me to the secondquestion, which is what is the
(09:34):
root belief here?
Like, what is this judgment allabout?
Let's just slow down for amoment and think about where
this is really coming from.
When I think back to the earlydays in my career, I felt like I
was not being paid what I wasworth.
I remember being in engineeringschool and our professors
(09:59):
telling us things like yes.
School and our professorstelling us things like yes, when
you graduate college, yourstarting salary will be
significantly higher than yourfriends who are in other majors
or who are studying differentthings at different schools.
Because you're in engineering.
That simply was not for me.
I remember feeling judged whenI changed jobs because the time
(10:26):
that I grew up in in the 80s,our parents, our grandparents
had one job for multiple decades.
They never left the companies.
It was a very different time soI thought it was a bad thing to
change my job because it wouldbe something else to add to the
resume that I wasn't loyal to acertain company.
(10:49):
I remember judging myselfaround the idea of changing my
major.
I'd never changed my major eventhough I knew from day one of
my first day of college freshmanyear that engineering probably
wasn't the right thing for me.
But I stuck it out for fourmiserable, grueling years
(11:12):
because I had some shame aroundchanging my major or changing
schools.
I thought change was bad.
I've even felt shame aroundposting certain types of photos.
I remember first competing insome bodybuilding shows and
(11:35):
posting a few stage photos, buthaving fear and uncertainty
around doing photo shoots withphotographers.
Even though I'm covered,there's no nudity and nothing
inappropriate, but I still feltsome shame around putting these
(11:56):
photos on the internet forsimply anyone to view, these
photos on the internet forsimply anyone to view.
Again, it's a different time.
Through all of those things,where did the shame come from?
Where was this judgment comingfrom and what was the root
belief?
I wish I knew back then what Iknow now.
(12:18):
I wish I had the questions andthe mindset to slow down and
allow myself to be within myears, within my head, within my
heart, to really sit and answerthose questions honestly.
And I think that the shamereally came from the fact that I
knew what the answer was.
I was doing what I thought Iwas supposed to be doing came
(12:38):
from the fact that I knew whatthe answer was.
I was doing what I thought Iwas supposed to be doing.
I was doing what I thoughtwould be approved.
I was doing what I thoughtwould just keep my head below
the radar, don't cause too manyripples.
I went through a really hardtime, particularly with my mom,
(12:59):
but also with other adults in mylife who would make comments,
and I don't think that theymeant to hurt me, but as a kid,
when you're insecure, whenyou're very impressionable, they
sting and they stick with youforever.
And I recall, I recall feelingbadly for some of my birth,
(13:23):
given gifts.
I have no control over myappearance.
I have no control over my body,especially what I was born into
as a kid and I remember beingtreated differently by some
family members because I wasquote unquote the pretty one and
I was smart and it was almostunfair in some people's eyes
(13:49):
that, according to them theseare their words that I was born
pretty and smart and I had areally tough life but I seemed
to be doing okay.
What they didn't know was thatbehind closed doors, I was
suffering.
When I was about 12 years old,I had suicidal thoughts and I
hated my life and hatedeverything in my life for a good
(14:12):
number of years because it hadbeen ripped upside down.
My dad was on the cover of thenewspaper for several weeks when
I was in the seventh gradebecause of the crimes that he
committed.
My whole family was separatedand torn apart and it was on
public display for everyone inthe community to witness.
Now there's where some shamecame from right.
(14:36):
The third question which I kindof touched on already, is to ask
yourself the judgment rightthat you identify and then
figuring out, like what is theroot cause or where is it?
Stemming from Question numberthree is this belief true or is
(14:58):
this a narrative that you havebeen programmed to subscribe to?
I'm going to say that again.
Question number three is thistrue or is this a narrative that
you have been subscribed to,that someone programmed you to
(15:18):
believe?
Think about that, becausethat's what a belief is.
It's a thought that has beenliving in your head for so long
that in your core you think it'sa truth, it's a fact.
But is it or is that just theway you think?
(15:42):
Now we have a lot of complexlayers to work through.
When we're talking aboutbeliefs, when we're talking
about programming, we are seedsor children of two complex human
(16:03):
beings that came together andthen they are the offspring of
two other complex beings.
So each layer has morepersonality, more culture, more
experiences and definitely moretrauma that they bring to the
table.
(16:25):
And I don't know about you, butin my family therapy was not a
real big thing, especially formy grandparents.
They didn't go to therapy, theydrank beer.
I remember being a little kidvisiting my dad's parents and it
was the strangest situationbecause my grandmother on my
(16:50):
dad's side, she was divorcedfrom my grandfather my dad's dad
and she was remarried, but mygrandfather was a merchant
Marine.
So when he would come home tothe States and then ultimately
they all moved to Puerto Rico.
(17:11):
When I was about eight yearsold, they moved back there.
When he would come home, guesswhere he wanted to be?
He wanted to be with mygrandmother, even though they
weren't together anymore.
Be, he wanted to be with mygrandmother even though they
weren't together anymore.
Like they cohabitated in thesame dwelling.
They weren't together and Idon't think that they were
intimate any longer.
I mean, I really don't know.
I was just a little kid.
But here's the unusualcircumstance when I would go
(17:34):
visit my abuela, she was therewith her husband and my
grandfather when he would behome from being out to sea.
So that was confusing.
I totally went on a tangentthere, but I just thought that
that I just had that thought asI was, as I was talking about
(17:55):
complex beings and therapy notbeing a real thing for many
generations, and perhaps thesame is true for you.
By the way, going to therapy isnot a get out of jail free card.
It doesn't mean you instantlybypass things.
Going to therapy simply meansthat you are willing, maybe even
(18:22):
eager, to unpack your shit andhave somebody maybe help you
fold it a different way andorganize it and then repack it,
but you still have the shit withyou.
It never leaves you.
You just change how younavigate it internally.
Now there's one more thing Iwant to touch on.
When we're talking aboutjudgment, particularly
(18:45):
self-judgment, I want you to askyourself what is the risk in
following your heart andexpressing yourself
authentically?
What is the risk in followingyour heart and expressing
yourself authentically?
(19:05):
Now we are in Pride Month and Iam somebody who firmly believes
that everyone is entitled tolove who they love and to step
into their authenticity in thebiggest and most celebratory way
(19:26):
, which is fucking scary, andI'm here to back up anybody who
feels fear around that.
I support you.
But what would the risk be ifyou expressed yourself, if you
(19:49):
showed up as who you really are?
It would repel the wrong people, but you would also be a magnet
for the right people.
You would be an attractor, andyou would be an attractor and
you would also show others thatit's okay to be themselves.
(20:11):
It's okay to be unique.
It's okay to be different.
Now, of course, we live in adigital age.
There are people who love tojust say things for attention,
do things for attention.
I mean, that is the biggest orthe most valuable form of
currency that we have in thismoment of time is people's
(20:32):
attention.
So there are those out therewho look for the clickbait or
who say things that are totallyout of the ordinary and unusual
because they want the attention.
But for those of you who mayfeel some fear around truly
expressing yourself by the way,this doesn't have to be in the
(20:55):
online space.
I'm talking about every singleday when you don't feel fear
that stops you from speakingyour truth, or if you speak your
truth in spite of feeling thatfear, you allow for like-minded
(21:19):
individuals to connect with you.
That's how you build connection, through being vulnerable, and
that's truly where the magiclies.
I have had fear.
I still do have fear.
This, this, uh, not thisepisode this podcast launched on
(21:44):
March 11th it was on a Tuesdayand I still have fear that
certain people in my family arelistening to this show and just
collecting data and notes, readyto attack whenever the
opportunity presents itself andthat could just be in my
imagination or it might be real.
(22:05):
Either way, I'm going to dowhatever the fuck I want anyway,
because I am 46 years old and Iam not living behind a mask
anymore, talking about shame.
In my childhood, when my fathergot arrested and went to jail my
mom, she just thought she wasprotecting us, but she would
(22:30):
tell my brother and she wouldtell me not to tell people where
he was.
She didn't want them to know.
Tell him he's upstate.
Not very original.
I mean.
Thinking back now, peopleprobably knew exactly what that
meant.
But at the time we wereprotecting ourselves, we were
protecting our family, we wereprotecting our reputation.
(22:51):
And I do still find it quiteinteresting when I share with
people that yeah, my dad went toprison when I was 12 years old.
That immediately go what for.
With people that, yeah, my dadwent to prison when I was 12
years old, that immediately gowhat for.
Come on, that's really rudenumber one.
And if you are genuinelycurious time and place, I have
(23:17):
no shame talking about it.
It's not something I'm guiltyof, but it's still painful to
discuss.
And remembering this grievingchild that I was seventh grade,
I mean, I just remember the kidsat school talking and
whispering behind my back andsaying all sorts of stupid shit
(23:39):
and I got to tell you as alittle kid I was kind of an
asshole because we didn't have alot of structure and true
discipline in the home when welived with my dad.
So the attention I wasn'tgetting at home I was for damn
sure going to get it at schoolwasn't getting like the top
(24:06):
grade on an exam or in a classsubmission Like.
I remember in fourth grade Igot the best grade in the class
on a history exam and I fuckingwas showboating it for days
because I was so proud of myself, mainly because I wasn't one of
the nerds in school.
I wasn't labeled as a nerd butI truly was.
But I remember just always,always acting out, being loud,
(24:28):
being rambunctious, gettingattention, jumping up and down
and thinking back now I'm sure Iwas really fucking annoying and
I understand why some of theother kids in my school probably
didn't like me very much.
High school probably didn'tlike me very much.
Then you add this layer of megrowing up with a dad who found
himself in trouble and peoplepointing fingers.
(24:51):
So yeah, I had no shame as akid until it flipped on its head
and then I had a lot of shame.
But, going back to life, when welook back at the decisions we
make, think about times whereyou judged yourself.
(25:11):
Think about times where youdidn't follow your heart.
Think about times where youreally wanted to do something
and something else stopped you,like it was so close but just
oops, not enough, or not thistime.
So I want to go back and repeatthese questions for you so that
(25:33):
you can explore them on yourown time and in your own way.
Number one where are youjudging yourself unnecessarily
in life?
One where are you judgingyourself unnecessarily in life?
Number two what is the rootbelief here?
Number three is this true or isthis a narrative you have been
(26:01):
programmed to subscribe to?
And number four what is therisk in following your heart and
expressing yourselfauthentically?
(26:29):
I challenge you to show up to anevent, to a conversation, to a
get together, to a meeting, to asession with your trainer and
be a little bit more open thenext time.
You never know what someone isgoing through behind closed
doors or in their head, or rightbefore they walk out to meet
you or train with you or have adrink with you or meet you for
dinner.
Everybody has a story,everybody's dealing with shit,
(26:49):
everybody's going throughsomething.
And when you're vulnerable andwhen you give people permission
to just kind of fall apart alittle bit in your space and
feel safe, that's where youcreate real connection.
People may not remembereverything you say or everything
(27:14):
you do, but they, for damn sure, will remember exactly how you
make them feel, exactly how youmake them feel.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
Thank you for being here.
If you enjoyed this show,please follow along so you can
get notifications whenever anepisode is published.
(27:35):
I appreciate you being here andI'll see you on the next one.
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