February 15, 2024 • 47 mins
Is it a Fetish or an admiration? What is a fetish anyway? There is a difference and once we get over the giggles of it all the reality is that fetishes can have a negative impact on relationships and people’s lives. Tune in and learn to UNF*CK fetishes with psychotherapist and published author Anita Astley and co-host Ryan Rosmann. The conversation is always raw, real, informative and entertaining!
Let’s get UNF*CKED! Support the Show.Follow Anita Astley, M.ED. LMFT psychotherapist and author, at ask_anita_astley and on Instagram, Facebook, ask Anita Astley on YOUTUBE, ask Anita Astley on twitter. Check out Anita's website at www.askanitaastley.com
Order your copy of Anita' Astley's book today on Amazon
"Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships"
https://www.amazon.com/Unf-Your-Life-Relationships-Lessons/dp/1637631235
Let’s get UNF*CKED! Support the Show.Follow Anita Astley, M.ED. LMFT psychotherapist and author, at ask_anita_astley and on Instagram, Facebook, ask Anita Astley on YOUTUBE, ask Anita Astley on twitter. Check out Anita's website at www.askanitaastley.com
Order your copy of Anita' Astley's book today on Amazon
"Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships"
https://www.amazon.com/Unf-Your-Life-Relationships-Lessons/dp/1637631235
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Welcome to un Fucked Your Life andRelationships with Anita Asthley, psycho therapist and
author and Ryan Rossman, recording studioowner and music producer. This is a
podcast like no other. Sit forward, listen in, and get ready to
get unfucked from the inside out.Odd fuck your life, Odd fuck your
(00:27):
Life. Hey, guys, welcometo another episode of Unfucked Your Life and
Relationships with my co host Ryan.I'm Anita, and we also have Amanda
in the studio again. It's alwaysgood to get her perspective. Last episode
was about sex. Yeah, itwas a good one. That was a
good one. Today we're gonna betalking about fetishes. What is a fetish?
(00:50):
What is a fetish? It isnot hink, okay, so let's
talk about that. People often throwthis term around. I have a fetish.
I have a fetish. Fetish isvery different to a kink. Now,
I hate getting too clinical on mypodcast, but we got to define
what it is. So, guys, a fetish is when you're attracted to
a body part, feature, somebody'sa feature or an objects that's traditionally not
(01:17):
regarded as sexual. And the otherpart is it is needed, absolutely needed
to have an arousal an orgasm.Oh, it's not just it's so it's
very different. So you're like,no, no, it's not it's not.
Oh I didn't know that. Yeah, so there you learn something one
(01:38):
of the things I hope you learnedmany things in this podcast today. But
so, a fetish is something that'sconsidered non sexual. Traditionally, it's needed
to orgasm, or you could havean orgasm just specifically to that thing,
maybe like a picture of somebody's feetthat that Oh you're bringing your feet already.
(02:02):
We're gonna get to that later.That later. Hey, all right,
So there's all kinds of theories aboutwhy people have fetishes, the origin
of fetishes before I get into allthe clinical blah blah blah blah blah,
because I always like to share somereal information in this podcast. Yeah,
what do you think? Why doyou think people have fetishes? I don't
know, why do All right?That's it great because I know and I'll
(02:25):
share that with you. So there'slots of psychological theories about where do fetishes
originate, like why does one personhave one and another person doesn't depending on
the theory that you subscribe to.And I'm not psychoanalysts. So I don't
you know, I subscribe to someof Freudian stuff, but I do believe
people who have fetishes they are theywell theorists. They disagree on many aspects,
(02:50):
but one aspect they do agree onis that they originate in childhood.
Somewhere along somewhere in your family oforigins, some should happen to you.
Yeah, and that's why you havea fetish. But let's be more psychological
about it. Is what happens isI believe a fetish fetishes arise when your
sexuality is somehow paired unconsciously with thatobject. Since you brought up feet and
(03:16):
we're going to talk about feet onmy Instagram page and foot fetishes. So
for example, I would say,say, you know, I've had a
client who came to me and says, I have a fetish. I have
a foot fetish. What is whichis actually called potophilia. It is the
most common fetish. Have a footfetish? Where did I get it from?
(03:37):
And then we start talking about hestarts sharing about his childhood and stuff,
and then we explore and we discoverthat when he was really young,
you know, before he was awareof his own sexuality consciously, he had
a babysitter who would put her footin his mouth, and I thought,
wow, that baby needs to befired. But they would play around and
(03:58):
he's a young boy kind of developing, and then he gets you know,
is having an erection and the footis in the mouth and he's not even
conscious of it because his sexuality isjust developing. So before we were even
conscious of what's going on with us, this gets internalized. So foot in
mouth, erection, hot chick getspaired and our brain is an amazing thing.
(04:24):
Sure it's ingrained in his unconscious mindand the two get connected together,
they leave imprint and then the fetishemerges, usually in adolescents. That's the
theory, so I subscribe to thattheory. But also the experiences I've had
with working with people validates that.So that's my belief that they originate in
(04:46):
childhood, they come out in adolescence, and they usually last a lifetime.
And people will often say, well, is there a cure? I don't
ever think of cure in psychology.I think more in terms of management,
like how do I help you managethis so you don't get into trouble and
you don't get arrested or yeah,it doesn't become a problem in your life.
(05:09):
I don't know what do you thinkabout that? You know, I
don't have any like sort of specificthings like that, so it's hard to
relate. But I feel like,as long as it's not getting you in
trouble, yeah, causing significant issuesin your relationships, Like if you are
able to maintain a healthy relationship,then everybody's allowed to have their own things.
But I think that, yeah,you're not. You don't ever want
(05:31):
to go into a situation being likethis is causing problems. I want to
get huwored. It's yes, howcan you help me manage it so I
can live a normal, healthy lifebut still be able to you know,
get excitement and stuff from that.So yeah, and I want to for
people live listening to this today,just remember what I said at the beginning
(05:51):
of the podcast. There's a bigdifference between an admiration and we're talking about
feet, potophilia, uh huh,then fetish And again if you're thinking of
and if you are if you thinkyou have a fetish, you want to
ask yourself, does it interfere withyour emotional functioning, your social functioning,
your vocational functioning, relational functioning,and of course sexual functioning. Now you
(06:15):
might say vocational functioning, what doesthat mean, Well, if you are
late for work, you're getting firedand losing your job because you rather stay
home and you have to masturbate tothis, I don't know. We'll talk
about potophilia because detail then you havea problem. You need to get some
help. So if it starts toimpact parts of your life that I just
(06:40):
outlined and you're getting in trouble forit, then you need to get some
kind of help for your fetish.If you're not, then enjoy the fetish.
That's what I say, But Ido want to say that share that
there are four types of fetishes.There's a body part fetish, like potophilia.
It's non traditionally sexualized part. Iwould never think of the feet as
being actual, So that's a footfetish. It is a fetish. Yeah,
(07:03):
you need the foot to get arouseand to have an orgasm. Uh
huh. The other one is abody feature. What do you think that
would be? Something non traditional likenot not boobs and and butts and things
that people into. Oh, it'sconsidered a body feature. Juice obesity,
bodily fluids. You know, youhear people like urinated on Oh my gosh,
(07:27):
yeah or yeah or yeah somebody that'sthat's attracted to somebody specifically because their
size or shape or color or anything. It might be yeah, like or
what I feel like, It canas long as it's within reason though,
like I would hate to be like, well I only want to be with
a woman or a man because theylook very young or anything like. That's
(07:48):
when it can get you in trouble. We don't have to talk about it.
Yeah. The other one is weprobably have heard of it's a clothing
like a texture stockings, that's afetish. I I you actually work with
a cup where he had a stalkingfetish and he could only perform if she
were where she would have to wearstock the feelings, everything. So something
(08:11):
must have happened to him and hischild somehow the stalking texture and feel and
look was paired with arousal. Butwe're going to get now back to before
we get to potophiliate textures. Leatherpeople also like text Yeah, textures,
right, So and now we're talkingabout leather going into like bondage and that
(08:33):
stuff. Is that fetish then that'spart of it. I mean, it's
hard to distinguish if it's not interfering, well, if it's not interfering with
your functioning in those areas that wetalked about, it's not a fetish.
Again, there's a fine line wehave to think about when we throw that
word around. Is it fetish,is it an admiration? Is it just
a kink? But fetish is aclinical term. And you know, I
(08:54):
don't want to get too clinical onhere because we play around sometimes, but
people laugh and joke about fetishes.But I do want to say that it
does interfere with people's relationships. Sure, and that's why we're here. We're
talking about the fucked up relationships thatcan happen, and we need to unfuck
that. And we do need tostart with talking about if you have a
(09:15):
fetish, talk to your partner aboutthe fetish. And I get a lot
of messages on my Instagram page,Ryan, Yeah, yeah, because you
do like to just pic of yourfeet. But normal stuff though, normal
stuff, and what is But whatI thought was normal? Okay, this
(09:39):
is where it gets very interesting.Ready, what I think our thought was
normal by a lot of the communityout there, The feet lover community fetish
community said wait a minute, Anita, you have a foot fetish or what
is this with your feet? Yeah, And I have to tell you it
all started very innocently now on Instagramand you guys and social media. I
(10:01):
actually hate taking pictures of myself selfies, blah blah blah blah. But for
my brand, for whatever, formy mission and my passion and what I'm
trying to do, I have toput myself out there. So one day
I was sitting outside and I thought, oh my god, not another fucking
selfie. I hate taking selfies.Yea. So I put my feet in
the water. I was by aswimming pool and I posted that picture,
(10:22):
and oh my god, I neverknew and I got so many messages about,
oh my god, you have themost beautiful feet, and a lot
of sexual questions about the feet,admirational comments about my feet and so forth.
And I thought, oh, thisis so interesting, and I started
to do it more. I'm like, well, that's easier than taking a
(10:43):
picture of myself. Sometimes the feetare pretty simple, right, Yeah.
I did not know what I justunleashed on my Instagram page. And then
people started saying, you know,you have and describing my feet in such
a sexual erotic manner, and I'mlike, wait a minute, this is
very interesting. So I started toread up on fetishes and then of course
(11:05):
potophilia more in detail, and Ithought, wow, it's amazing to me
how things can become so sexualized thatI never thought were sexual. And we
are all very different, and mostof my people are very respectful with their
fetish because when you talk about somethinglike a fetish, people think everybody,
you know, they're so weird,You're so weird as something fucked up.
(11:26):
And people who have a true fetishfeel like they are weirdos. Sure,
because it's not a normal sexualized partof the body. But I think,
well, why is it a whyare you a weirdo because you have this
thing? And then if you thinkof yourself as a weirdo sexually, it's
gonna you know what we talked aboutlast episode, interfere with your sex life?
(11:46):
Absolutely, yeah, I mean ifit's not hurting anybody or anything else,
like, what's the problem, Likewhy is anything anything? Because we
decided that, like as a society, that that's what's normal, Like,
well, that's right, but it'sbecause there's so much shame around it.
I mean, I had a commentfrom a guy who was fifty and I
remember this very well. Was lastyear. He's fifty five years old and
(12:07):
he's been living with this fetish.And you guys might think, oh,
that's so silly, it's not.He was very depressed over it. He
had numerous relationships that didn't work outbecause it impacted sexuality so much, which,
of course that impacted the emotional partof the relationship. He never told
her and then they ended up breakingThey broke up, and then he was
saying, you know, I'm ina relationship right now and I don't want
(12:30):
this to happen to me. Ican't believe I'm fifty five in his fifties
that what do I do with this? Anita? And I don't want to
approaching, of course, with compassionand saying, okay, there's nothing wrong
with you. If you go fortherapy and you discover that, hey,
this is where the fetish originates,it's not my fault, but it's a
part of who I am right now. But even if you can't answer the
(12:52):
question of why I have this fetish, accept it, and you need to
be able to talk to your partnerabout it in a way that they can
understand and help you understand and somehowincorporated into your sex life. Yeah,
and as long as it, youknow, is safe and and doesn't hurt
anything. Like I it's yeah,like I had sorry Amanda, but I
(13:15):
was I have had relationships with otherwomen before, but there was this one.
You have to yeh, I know, yea your most but I was
with a girl that wanted to getchoked. And I tell you what,
I'm not into that. Yeah,And I just I feel like if it
is not cool, if there arethings that can like like I get like
you want to yeah, right,like this or that, like like I'm
(13:39):
not I'm not I'm not into it, but like I can respect it.
But yeah, I'm that that wasn'tThat wasn't for me. And I think
that that's where like you have tobe really careful about, like is it
cool can you talk about with youryour partner or do you really need to
maybe talk to somebody because it's gonnait's gonna really affect your life. Well
that's like borderingline death life and death. Yeah, so that's a different issue.
(14:03):
But in terms of this gentleman,what ended up happening. To continue
sharing the story is through some andagain I say, I don't do therapy.
It's not doing therapy unless you're inmy office with me. That's therapy.
But I can guide and I canserve as an expert and give you
some advice. That's non therapeutic.I have to say that's wedding. It
fucking suit. But just guiding himand just saying, hey, have a
(14:26):
conversation, and what ended up happening. He finally shared with this one woman
after fifty years that he had afoot fetish, and she was very accepting
about it and life. Their sexuallife actually was really good, and he
said it enhanced my sexual life,sex life, actually it was kind of
fun. So I was really happyto hear that. I'm just sharing that
(14:46):
with the listeners here today to say, if this is you, then it's
working with this horrible feeling of shame. And we talked about that in our
last episode of you know we allcarry, well not all of us,
but there is some shame with sexuality. And then if you have a fetish
that even makes you more shameful.I'm feeling like you're some kind of weird
(15:07):
though it doesn't have to be thatway. Yeah, I mean that could
create some kind of excitement or somethinglike you know, you can you can
kind of get a guy off withyour feet, or you can do things
like you know, that may befun to try or do something like Sorry,
man, I would I don't thinkI want to do that, but
but I feel like that for everything. Yeah, but that could be fun
for people to add a little spiceor whatever to just like we're talking about
(15:31):
last podcast, Like you're with somebodyfor a long time sex, you can
get bored. You gotta add somestuff to it. It can be fun.
But I just want to you know, and thinking about the subject because
well, why do you want totalk about that? What does it matter?
It does matter because it is somethingvery private and people are very ashamed
of it, and it does impactpeople's relationships. And also I don't know
(15:52):
if you I remember reading last yearor saw on the news. Also this
guy in the subway, of course, he cut a woman's hair. He
was sitting next to her and hecut a little bit of her hair off.
Wow. And he was arrested andput in you know, jail.
But what he really needs is help. He had a hair fetish and he
(16:15):
had a history, and when welearn more about him, it's sad.
Right, he cut a bit ofher hair off, and of course she
freaked out. I'd freak out tootoo. What are you doing? Just
can't you just go to a salonand like be like, can I sweep
up a little bit or something?I mean, that's interesting vocation for somebody
who baby But yeah, like peopletake their hair seriously. Somebody cut my
(16:37):
hair, I would be mad,but you know, it was kind of
sad. He was arrested put injail. And I'm reading this and I'm
listening to it on the news too, and I'm thinking, the guy needs
help. He's he's harmless, buthe's obviously cross across the boundaries. Right.
You can't do that again. Whenit interferes and gets you arrested and
you get fired, you definitely havea problem and need to get some help.
It's about controlling the fetish, notletting the fetish control you. And
(17:02):
again, that would be my roleas a therapist if you came to see
me. Because I don't believe inthe cure of your fetish. I believe
in helping you manage it so itdoesn't get you fired. And you don't
end up in prison, you don'tend up losing your relationships, and you
have the social stigma. But Imatine, you're making a sad face,
poor human, like that's you knowwhere it's like, that's obviously you you
(17:26):
know, that's crossing a line.But that's someone who who was not having
an understanding, and you know itneeds that. And I'm just thinking about,
like, there's so many great wigshops, like you can you can
order human hair wigs on Amazon,like there's other things so people I do
I have. I also, youknow, obviously you can't do that in
(17:48):
this woman, like I'd be superupset. Yeh, same thing, what
are doing? But you know Iread that, I thought, oh,
there's so many people suffering, youknow, with things that we are totally
unaware of and things that you know, we laugh at me and make fun
of. And I think that it'snot funny. And he doesn't belong in
jail or you know, doesn't belongin needs how find a way to help
(18:10):
it. Have a compassion for people, like it's important. Yeah, And
then I you know, when Iyou know, I put my feet and
guys, so I just want tomake it clear I don't have a foot
fetish. I kind of and peoplewill say, well, you like the
attention to your feet, and like, well why not. I've actually always
hated my feet. I thought theywere really ugly. And so it's empowering
you a little bit. I mean, and I don't know, like your
(18:30):
pictures are pretty, like you're justlike kicking it, like on a couch
or doing whatever, Like you likeyour picture like your feet with like a
cup of sucking on my Yeah,it's it's it's a real chill like,
yeah, you could. You coulddo things a lot. And they've asked
me, can you do an onlyfans page for your feet? I'm like,
well that passive income would be yeah, I mean thinking about it,
but I don't know. I meanI don't I feel like it's sex work
(18:56):
and all of that stuff in general, Like there shouldn't be any sort of
negatives about that, Like you gotto get it. How you got to
get it, Like as long asyou're respectful and you're not hurting anyone or
being hurt by it or being exploitedor any of those things. Yeah,
you're free to do that if youwant into that is wonderful. Embrace it.
So getting back to you know whatyou were talking about, Amanda and
(19:18):
sharing that, Yeah, you know, I saw your sad face. And
I do have compassion for people whohave these a fetish of some sort and
they're very ashamed of it because itdoes start to impair their ability to function
normally in society. And we laughat it. And again, I want
to go back to people who mightbe thinking they have one, and they're
(19:38):
there and I've said there's no curefor it. I don't believe there's a
cure for It's not the way Iwork. It's all about management. But
there are therapists who believe there arethere is a cure. One of the
ways some therapists work with it isa version therapy, you know what,
And that speaks to and goes inalignment with the theory I talked about earlier.
(19:59):
That's somewhere childhood. You know thatyour sexuality becomes paired with that object.
If we're talking about feet, aversion therapy very interesting. I think
I could minimize some of that.What do you think it is? Do
you have any idea I've ever heardof this concept of version therapy? Yeah,
Well, isn't it exposure to well, I'm I'm making an assumption expendire
to like negative exposure to the theobject or yeah, like that's exactly what
(20:26):
it is, which which seems likeyou know we're gonna ungay you, yeah
they or something really like archas.I don't know like that. There's also
like okay, you it can't impedeyour life, but so what it's a
part of who you are and whatyou're into. I don't like or does
it need to just be managing away to make it healthy? I believe
(20:48):
it should be managed in a healthyway that you don't get in trouble that
you're not on the subway and youknow, trying to cut somebody's hair off.
So but you can manage it ina healthy way. It means all
about management. Love what you're saying. It just sounds so it's so aggressive.
I mean, if somebody really wantedit and they were like I just
want this to be done and it'sthe last straw and they're specifically requesting it,
(21:10):
Yeah, Other than that, withthat person, I'd be more like,
Okay, well let's talk about itwhere let's try to figure out where
it came from. If they rememberedand somehow sometimes in therapy we can trigger
those memories and okay, now weexplored it, we know where it comes
from. Let's try to manage itin a healthy way that it doesn't get
you arrested. But some version therapistswould say no, this person, and
(21:33):
for somebody who say no, no, no, absolutely not. I want
it to be cured. But itis exactly that I expose you to something
along with that. Say you hadpotophilia, a fetish of the feet,
and you came to me, hesaid, I want a version therapy.
How does it work? I wouldtake maybe an artificial foot or pictures of
a foot that's exactly what it is. And then with the picture of the
foot, I would expose you tosomething foul, like a smell, and
(21:56):
the goal and the belief would bethat overtime time, when you see feet,
anything related to feet, you wouldassociate that foul smell and there goes
your erection. That's definitely an direction. Sure, But then you d program
yeah, yeah, a relationship toyou know, but your d programmer you're
trying to undo. And I'm gay, like you said, and I think
(22:18):
that's apps. I don't know,I'm not really for that unless the client
wants it, But mine would bemore an approach of, Okay, it's
a part of who you are,how do we embrace it, how do
we make you can actually, ifyou're able to talk about it with your
partner, how do we incorporate that'sa fun part of your sex life?
Sure, yeah, you know,if it's not hurting anything, Like,
(22:41):
I think it's important, And Ithink we have to also figure out if
that person is like, oh Ireally want to get fixed, Like is
it because you want to change itor you feel that someone or society or
what is it? What is yourmotivation for feeling so bad about it?
Like maybe it's not a version therapy. Maybe it's just a reframing that,
Hey, you're not fucked up,you're not weird, you're cool, You're
(23:04):
you're normal like everyone else everyone's intostuff, Like how do we just make
it a part of your life andyou start feeling comfortable about it with yourself
the same way if somebody has youknow, maybe you know they were burned
and they haven't like a really likekind of like scarring on their chest and
like, oh I don't want someoneto see it with my shirt off.
(23:25):
Well, no, it's who youare, like, embrace that and the
person you're wish to embrace it too, like, and I just think it's
like when people are like, oh, that's so weird and disgusting, I'm
like, what is so disgusting about? We're going to stick to feet because
you know that's on my page andI don't have a foot fetish. But
I'm just saying I have compassion formy feet loving followers, Yeah, who
(23:45):
admire my feet. I'm like,okay, thanks, that's I don't find
it weird, and they'll thank me, say oh, thank you for normalizing,
and I said, I'm not.I'm just accepting. You know.
Part of my thing is I acceptyou for who you are. Sure what
can become a problem in relationships inwhich you have a partner who has a
sexual fetish is that I start feelinglike you just want me for my feet,
(24:07):
and then I feel like that's nota turn on for me. I
do it for you, but youjust want me And now I'm feeling used,
like my feet are feeling used.So I've had that happen where the
partners feel like I don't you know, I've done all of that. I
tried to piece him in this way, but there's other stuff that I want
to do and that then I think, okay, well then you need to
share that with him. And howdo we find a balance in your sex
(24:30):
life that it's not always about thefeed? I can get that. Can
you imagine if Amanda, you know, and it was always a foot thing.
Wait, wait a minute, Idon't always want to do yeah,
right, no, absolutely, yeah, it can be a part of but
it can't be everything, and especiallybecomes like a routine or something like all
right now it's now it's time toyou know, get this out. And
(24:52):
yet right, yeah, I didn'teven know what was I had to look
at what I'm like in my forties. I don't know what a foot job.
Yeah, the internet is crazy,did you do you know what?
Really, you've never come across thisbefore. I ask Ryan to tell us
about what a foot job is.I'm too show. I mean, so
(25:14):
it's exactly It's exactly what you thinkit might be. So just imagine a
woman sitting crisscross apple sauce. Okay, you know, Diego loves this,
and then you know, maybe yourfavorite massage lotion or whatever, and the
man would then be laying down orsitting, and then you know you kind
(25:37):
of you put your feet together aroundaround the penis and you're kind to go
up and down to to you know, it creates a hole. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, what can youdo? You know, around the pe
around penis, going up and down. But I would see sitting crisscross apples
the arch right of the in betweenthe arch of your feet. Obviously you
can't me. You can't see memoving putting my feet together. But but
(26:02):
put your your feet together and thenyou see that there's a small little gap
between the arch of your feet,and then just imagine putting a penis in
between it. It seems like themost comfortable way to do it, because
then then you can see like thatnot well, you start crisscross apple sauce,
then put your feet together. Wecan tell Ryan's done this before.
It sounds like I have right,No, I just no. But I
(26:25):
saw I saw a video once.I'm like, this is fucking wild.
You know, I'm honestly, that'snot something I'm interested in. Feet are
kind of feet aren't gross, Butbut I don't love just thinking through the
mechanics. Yeah, like a manis like, oh, I want to
get a pedicy or this or that, and I'm like, well, if
it makes you happy, but Ireally I'm not going to look at your
(26:47):
feet. I don't really care aslong as they're not gross. Like well,
I always thought I always think feetare gross, That's why. And
I always had to think with myfeet. I never, as a young
person wore open toe shoes because Ithought all my nails I have like toes
that are like aliens because they're reallylong. And but then I was like,
fuck it. In my forties,I'm like, I'm wearing open to
shoes. And then with that picture, it just opened this whole new world
(27:08):
to me. I'm like, Ifucking love my feet. Thank you guys.
So it's been therapeutic for me.But I want to get back to
google the foot job thing. Itell you. Now I know why the
arch is so important because I wouldget all these comments about Anita, we
love your arches, and I'm like, oh, I've never even thought of
(27:29):
a minute. And then I thenI'm like, oh, oh see,
we can all learn. I'm learningin my old age arches. Now I
know why the arches are so thatkind you got it? But man,
I just yeah, right, therein the foot, like you know,
you think about ballet answers and howthey've got that it's the cur arch Like,
(27:52):
yeah, I got it, butI had to google. I'm like,
oh, now I get why theyliked the arches. But I'm not
offended by that. You know,people, I'm like, no, I
now am appreciating my feet and seethem in a different light. Does this
give me a foot fetish? Ofcourse not. I'm too old to have
a foot. Let's be real.Is that is that weirder than putting a
penis in your mouth? Come on? Yeah? No, are we gonna
(28:15):
like that's that's? How is thatnormal? How is that normal? But
you know what I'm saying, like, and that's something that a lot of
us too. It's but okay,it's not normal, right, Yeah,
it's a mouth, And I hateto say, okay, let's just normal.
We'll have to figure, you know, redefine what normal means. But
I agree with the comment that you'remaking. But how is that one?
(28:37):
How is it different? Because it'sa mouth, is warm, wet and
made of the same material of vagina? Is I don't know about that?
The penis is meant to go inone place? And that's the vagina unless
you're gay, then it goes somewhereelse. But I'm just saying, is
it meant and I only mean bynot that it's it's just it's just the
(29:02):
mouth. The mouth is a likeor being gay like than that, It's
like, well that makes sense thatthis is a logical other thing you could
do. We're like either feet orlike you know, having you know,
putting your your penis between boobs ormake an elbow. It's just it's a
(29:22):
little bit more non traditional and youhave you have to do a little bit
more work, like you have to. A mouth is self lubricating in that
you don't need to have extra sise. Lot of the way men have a
great reason for I'm just saying,I'm like, imagine maybe a little bit
different, maybe a little bit differentselling the blow job. Okay, Ryan,
(29:45):
we know. I'm just saying.No man has ever denied, I
know, I mean maybe one,but yeah, that's wait, go ahead,
Amanda. Yeah, I was justsaying, imagine the first blow job,
right, Like we were saying,like the the physiological like the intention
is to get seed where it canbe for life, right Like, that's
(30:06):
the function, but the first timesomeone was like, hey, let's try
this, right, which might haveeven been initiated, Like when, what
was that first moment? And wasthat weird? I love thinking about the
first blow dub. It's such anamazing thing. What was happening? Does
it? Who invented this blowjob?It was probably you know, and they
(30:29):
were like, hey, you knowwhat we did? Oh that's so weird.
Why did you do that? We'lltry it now? You know?
Like where did that spread throughout humanity? No? And you're right, this
culturally defined norms of what our sexualityshould look like and what we should do
and should not do. And whatis considered pathological in terms of a fetish
(30:49):
is pathological meaning it's not normal.It's in the DSM means if you have
a fetish, there's something wrong withyou. But again we go back to
if it starts to get you arrested, then yeah, you're in trouble and
you need to get some help onhow to manage it. But I love
that. Yeah, what what?Why is a blowjob normal and a fetish
is not? Well? Ryan hada great explanation for it, but he's
(31:12):
a guy because he likes that.I don't know if my opinion has as
much weight as it more. Yeah, I mean, was a young guy.
We don't, we don't, wedon't. He's just a little guy
we don't talk about. That's areally good point, you know. I
bet it was invented by a manor discovered by a guy. Let me
(31:34):
see where I can stick this thing. Maybe not. Maybe it was a
woman going, you know what,try this, let's try this because I'm
too you know, Yeah, Imean, but how is anything like?
I mean, at some point itwas probably like if you weren't doing it
like missionary, like was it weirdor had something like? We can normalize
all these leave it to the humansto figure out other ways because we were
(31:55):
bored. Yeah, well sure,yeah, because by logically we know how
it's supposed to go, but itdoesn't. But that's a really good point.
You know, what makes a fetisha fetish? Clinically we talked about
it. I shared it with youguys, But it's true, like what
makes something normal and does an abnormalin the bentionm what is it? And
as you said earlier, if it'snot hurting anybody and it's consensual, who's
(32:19):
anybody to judge that it's when peopleagain have guilt and shame around their sexuality
and what their preferences are, wefall into a place of not being content
with our sex life hence our relationships, like we talked about last week when
we talked about sexuality and sex inour relationships. So fetish is you know,
(32:39):
it's okay to have a fetish.You're not a freak, You're not
a weirdo. If it starts tointerfere with your functioning in society, like
you get arrested or your relationships arefalling apart, then you do need to
go to talk to somebody about it, or you need to talk to if
it's interfering with your relationships, youdon't have to see a therapist. Talk
(32:59):
to your part care about it andtell them that you have one, and
share like a story about anything elsethat I would share if I had a
FEI sometimes I wish I did haveone. It might make up for fun.
But I'm too old to develop onebecause there is there too old to
do something because I still sometimes Ifeel like I might be a little too
(33:21):
vanilla in the bedroom. Sometimes canI can I get something else? I
mean, I don't want to getinto feet or anything or anything. Why
why is that weird? Okay,there you go. You just said feet
was weird. Why is it weird? It's not, it's not weird.
It's weird because you just described howto do a yeah. Right, Well
it doesn't okay, well because itdoesn't interest you're not interested in Yeah,
(33:43):
and I feel like I'm open tothings, but like you know, if
it's vanilla, I'm sorry, Idon't want to be But like, dirty
talk makes me feel uncomfortable, justbusy, algic. Okay, we're going
to analyze Ryan today. Awesome,what makes you uncomfortable? It feels awkward.
(34:05):
It really feels awkward, like physiologically, like I feel like it's the
dirty talk is it's really weird.Like, but what if Amanda said to
you, my fetish is that Ineed, I absolutely need this dirty talk
because I would figure it out.Absolutely. I would figure it out for
sure, because because if you're witha person that doesn't want to work with
you about your fetish and you're withthe wrong person, and I would,
(34:29):
I'm sure I could find a wayto be more comfortable about it. But
yeah, something about even graphic likewords for things like yeah, Amanda loves
this. I really dislike the wordpussy. I don't like that word and
it makes me feel uncomfortable. Andshe knows it, and she'll like come
up to me and like whisper pussy. I'm like, oh my god,
(34:50):
what the fuck? Like, whyare you doing this to me? I
would never torture you like this.Yeah. Well, also because she's such
like a wholesome like you look atit, she's Mary Poppins. But but
you shouldn't be talking but like,and it's not that. I feel like
if you're into dirty talk in thebedroom, that's great, and like sexting
(35:10):
can be like a thing if you'relike, you know, you're long distance
things, very interesting words. Itfeels aggressive and demeaning. Well, I
think it is demeaning because when yousay, oh, you're being a pussy,
you're you're basically implying that they don'tthey're not creating. Yeah, I
have to tell you something. Ithink it's we need to turn that ship
(35:31):
around. I don't know about yourpussy, they're gonna My pussy is the
most powerful thing. Man. Itpushed children out. So I'm just saying
when people say and use it asa derogatory term, I'm like, I'm
sorry, what the hell can yourpenis do? Can it shove out push
out a child? It can't,But my can't push that child rule the
(35:52):
world because there's nothing more powerful thanyou're vagina. There's just nothing it can
run. So this whole derogatory useand the meaning of that word men bringing
with very very offensive because I tellyou my vagina is totally more powerful than
your penis because I can push it, and women do. We push children
(36:15):
out of that thing, and Idon't think your penis can do that.
So I hate that word. ButI find it that was a side.
Diego's laughing, Diego, it isthe most powerful thing in this world,
Diego. Sorry, Diego, he'sgetting a lesson in fetishes in sex and
(36:35):
now anyway, So I hate Diego. It is not it should not be
a derogatory term. It should beempowering. But getting back to what you're
saying, so it's very sensitive foryou, it is. And then yeah,
so what what does it make youfeel? Physically uncomfortable? A little
bit? It makes me feel veryawkward and weird and and any sort of
(36:59):
like I mean a little like,oh this feels good in bed kind of
thing. But if it would belike oh fuck me this that, I'm
like, I don't have any anydesire for that at all, especially when
it becomes sort of like aggressive ordemeaning or like what is it like dominating?
(37:19):
Right, you know those things.But like I also I wouldn't be
like, you know, I thinklike rough sex or any of those things.
Also, I don't have any interestin like gentle Yeah. I feel
like I feel like women should berespected and sex should be intimate. Like
I also, I'm not really superinterested in like sex from behind because I
want to be more connected with theperson I want to see. Yeah.
(37:44):
And also I just you know,I just I want to look at the
women like. Yeah. It's interestingbecause some people during that process will avoid
the eyes. Oh sure, theydon't want to look at each other,
and often the eyes are closed,yeah, which I mean I think is
interesting. I'm not going to sitthere like the whole time and make crazy
eye contact. That's kind of weird. But also I feel like that's funny.
(38:08):
Yeah. So I just feel likeif if if a woman is on
top, I feel like it's justa better view, Like there's just more
stuff to look at women. Ican see this perspective of the male perspective.
Yea. And although I have thespecific things that I'm into, it's
not that I'm If Amanda wanted todo something else, I would be I'd
(38:30):
be happy to, but it's Ithink what we're even going back with like
last week, like knowing who youare and what you are, and like
I'm like, hey, this iskind of what I like. And if
we can incorporate this and in that, I would appreciate it, and then
we can do some stuff for youand we can all be happy. But
let's just communicate about you have totalk about and what you're saying. The
(38:51):
important part of what you're saying,lots of things to unpack and lots of
important points you're making, Ryan,is that if this was her fetish,
you want to know about it,you would try to accommodate it. And
on your side, Amanda, fromwhat you've shared, is that you'd be
like, Okay, it doesn't alwayshave to be about my fetish. As
long as you accept it, kindof understand it and the role that it
(39:14):
plays in our sexual life, thenwe can do other things that are mutually
satisfying. And that's one of theareas that becomes problematic when there is a
fetish that the partner who doesn't havethe fetish feels like it's all about your
satisfaction and your fetish. What aboutwhat I need sexually? That's where it
can become problematic. And you know, this connects to what we talked about
(39:37):
in our last episode that if youhave a healthy, honest conversation with your
partner about it, then we canfind the balance sexually. But again,
own your fetish. If it's notinterfering with your functioning, then talk about
it with your partner. And asa society, Oh my god, we
are so fucking repressive. We gotto unfuck the shame around all the stuff
(39:58):
like it's so shame Well, Ithink there's a lot of other things that
people do that are way more shamefulthan have a foot fetish, you know,
people who share with me. I'mlike, some people are doing lots
of crazy shit that that should beThey should be arrested for that shit.
Never like, there's evidently a guyin Milwaukee that drives around jerking off.
I'm not I'm not experienced, butI've seen it on multiple people on social
(40:20):
media posted in the last few years, like talking about this that the people
have been arrested, not that I'maware of. I don't know if it's
true, but I've seen enough peopletalk about it. Yeah. But even
even if it's not, like,don't what's the type of moorism? Right?
Like you need to see my junk? Like yeah, but women tend
not to do that. But youknow, getting back to the fetish,
No, so don't be sorry.I want to make the point that he's
(40:42):
mostly men who have fetishes. Getthe data. This leads into what you're
saying, guys, you know,women just we just don't need to do
that. Is it physiological or isit because men do talk about it?
More? Like what is it thatmakes there's a biology? We're just far
wired that way. I don't know, Amanda, what do you think?
(41:04):
I think we are just not thatway And men maybe goes back to our
hunting and gathering, like this isa form of hunting for some men and
we're just we're gathering. I don'tknow, but women just don't do fucked
up shit like that. I don'tknow. The men are kind of fucked
up like that, not all ofyou, So don't get offended. But
it's true we here and learn wellthe data too. Again we go back
(41:25):
to if we look at it fetishes, men report having more fetishes than women.
But you could argue, well,our women to shine embarrassed to say
that they have one because traditionally they'renot supposed to be aggressive in the bedroom.
Yeah, that was the point,right, We're supposed to be repressed
and let the act happen to usrather than engage and say, hey,
(41:47):
no, we kind of like this, And women do have fetishes, by
the way, I've had uh,text messages, not text message dms on
my instat from women who say,yeah, I have a fetish and I
love your feet, and there's lessof that. But then I think,
oh, I wonder if it's justwe're just more repressed and ashamed to admit
that we like certain things, becauseagain we're just supposed to lie there and
(42:08):
let it happen to us. Additionally, and yeah, yeah, I feel
like that like women, even ifyou're talking about social media, like,
there's probably not women that are likesending unsolicited pictures of their genitalia, where
evidently, like dick pics are athing I've not they are, I've never
met anybody as a guy that's talkedabout sending so have you, I mean
(42:31):
you, I'm assuming you've never No, No, I wouldn't. I don't
even think I've sent one on request. I don't know if I feel I
mean, I mean, if youreally wanted me to. But I have
to tell you that on my Instagram, I have had the dick pics,
like lots of dick piics. Yeah, I've even had videos. And now
(42:55):
my thing is is, guys,I never opened any pictures because of that
now and literally the first time Igot when I was innocantly just going through
my dms, because I do,I do try to respond to all of
them, and boom, there's adick. I just want to say,
diego's laughing. There is nothing attractiveabout a dick. You're not in the
moment. Has it ever worked once? Has anyone ever sent a dick pic
(43:17):
and gotten a good response to thepoint where like, now, like,
how'd you guys meet? Well,you know, I sent her a picture
of my dick on solicited and thenwe met up for coffee and we're not
we've been married for ten years.Like no, thank you, That's exactly
that. That's what exactly what itmade me think. Dude, if you
really wanted to have a relationship withme or impress me, this is not
(43:37):
the way to do it. I'mnot all gaga Google over you now because
I've seen your heart dick or I'veeven had videos where they're you know,
ejaculate everywhere and I'm just like,block, block block, You're disgusting.
No, yeah, and that thankyou Ryan for making that point. Yeah,
I didn't go all crazy and wantedto get his NUMBERAK want to say
the behind a dick pick because Ican't imagine that someone like someone is really
(44:00):
thinking like I'm going to send itto this woman and then she's going to
want to day receptive. So therehas to be some other payoff for it,
right, So what is that saying? Form of voyeurism? Like that's
what it is. And you know, I always we're getting a little bit
off topic, but it's related.It's like cowards behind keyboards, Like I
bet if I met that person whosent me the dick pic in person,
(44:22):
they would not have enough guts tobehave like that at all. But now
because we have this medium that wecan just do this and we don't have
to be accountable for it. Yeah, you know, unknown hiding behind the
keyboard and sending all kinds of shipnot enough balls to do it in front
of me, I bet you ifyou're standing literally, people just like being
(44:45):
like, oh, hey, here'smy dicky out in public. By the
way, take your hands with mydick or my boo to share? Nan,
What is that just just down onthe table. Yeah, I mean
(45:06):
that's what guys sometimes do, youknow? Right anyway, Yeah, that
was really funny. Thank you.Don't let's not try that on the first
date. Take a dick out,right, But I'm just saying you would
never do that on a first date, but apparently on social media that's acceptable.
And then no, nobody's going tofall madly in love with you because
(45:27):
you sent a dig picture to somewoman that you like. But again,
I want to get back to whatwe were talking about fetishes, and please,
if you're listening to this, youshould, And you didn't listen to
our lot last podcast, you should. It's related and I think, if
anything, the takeaway today is ifyou have a fetish, it's okay,
You're not some weirdo. Just try, you know. Part of getting some
(45:51):
help would be to manage it soyou don't get arrested and get yourself in
trouble again. Vocational, emotional,social, sexual relation all functioning if it
interferes with those things, and yeah, you do need to get some help.
If not and you're ashamed of it, work on the shame. You
can by yourself or with a friendor with a therapist, but talk to
(46:13):
your partner if you have one,and then it could possibly enhance your life.
And absolutely we'll take some of theshame away. Thank you for sharing
your story. Sorry diego that youhad to listen to our pussy talk.
Yeah, like, did I saytoo much? No, we don't know.
As I say, this podcast isabout real and being raw and sometimes
(46:37):
we go a little bit off topic, but for me, it's all related
because we got to unfuck our lifeand relationships from the inside out. Bye
guys, see you next time.Unfuck your life and relationships's recorded it High
five Studio You Walk You Wisconsin.Oh, fuck your life, Odd,
(46:58):
fuck your life.
Welcome to un Fucked Your Life andRelationships with Anita Asthley, psycho therapist and
author and Ryan Rossman, recording studioowner and music producer. This is a
podcast like no other. Sit forward, listen in, and get ready to
get unfucked from the inside out.Odd fuck your life, Odd fuck your
(00:27):
Life. Hey, guys, welcometo another episode of Unfucked Your Life and
Relationships with my co host Ryan.I'm Anita, and we also have Amanda
in the studio again. It's alwaysgood to get her perspective. Last episode
was about sex. Yeah, itwas a good one. That was a
good one. Today we're gonna betalking about fetishes. What is a fetish?
(00:50):
What is a fetish? It isnot hink, okay, so let's
talk about that. People often throwthis term around. I have a fetish.
I have a fetish. Fetish isvery different to a kink. Now,
I hate getting too clinical on mypodcast, but we got to define
what it is. So, guys, a fetish is when you're attracted to
a body part, feature, somebody'sa feature or an objects that's traditionally not
(01:17):
regarded as sexual. And the otherpart is it is needed, absolutely needed
to have an arousal an orgasm.Oh, it's not just it's so it's
very different. So you're like,no, no, it's not it's not.
Oh I didn't know that. Yeah, so there you learn something one
(01:38):
of the things I hope you learnedmany things in this podcast today. But
so, a fetish is something that'sconsidered non sexual. Traditionally, it's needed
to orgasm, or you could havean orgasm just specifically to that thing,
maybe like a picture of somebody's feetthat that Oh you're bringing your feet already.
(02:02):
We're gonna get to that later.That later. Hey, all right,
So there's all kinds of theories aboutwhy people have fetishes, the origin
of fetishes before I get into allthe clinical blah blah blah blah blah,
because I always like to share somereal information in this podcast. Yeah,
what do you think? Why doyou think people have fetishes? I don't
know, why do All right?That's it great because I know and I'll
(02:25):
share that with you. So there'slots of psychological theories about where do fetishes
originate, like why does one personhave one and another person doesn't depending on
the theory that you subscribe to.And I'm not psychoanalysts. So I don't
you know, I subscribe to someof Freudian stuff, but I do believe
people who have fetishes they are theywell theorists. They disagree on many aspects,
(02:50):
but one aspect they do agree onis that they originate in childhood.
Somewhere along somewhere in your family oforigins, some should happen to you.
Yeah, and that's why you havea fetish. But let's be more psychological
about it. Is what happens isI believe a fetish fetishes arise when your
sexuality is somehow paired unconsciously with thatobject. Since you brought up feet and
(03:16):
we're going to talk about feet onmy Instagram page and foot fetishes. So
for example, I would say,say, you know, I've had a
client who came to me and says, I have a fetish. I have
a foot fetish. What is whichis actually called potophilia. It is the
most common fetish. Have a footfetish? Where did I get it from?
(03:37):
And then we start talking about hestarts sharing about his childhood and stuff,
and then we explore and we discoverthat when he was really young,
you know, before he was awareof his own sexuality consciously, he had
a babysitter who would put her footin his mouth, and I thought,
wow, that baby needs to befired. But they would play around and
(03:58):
he's a young boy kind of developing, and then he gets you know,
is having an erection and the footis in the mouth and he's not even
conscious of it because his sexuality isjust developing. So before we were even
conscious of what's going on with us, this gets internalized. So foot in
mouth, erection, hot chick getspaired and our brain is an amazing thing.
(04:24):
Sure it's ingrained in his unconscious mindand the two get connected together,
they leave imprint and then the fetishemerges, usually in adolescents. That's the
theory, so I subscribe to thattheory. But also the experiences I've had
with working with people validates that.So that's my belief that they originate in
(04:46):
childhood, they come out in adolescence, and they usually last a lifetime.
And people will often say, well, is there a cure? I don't
ever think of cure in psychology.I think more in terms of management,
like how do I help you managethis so you don't get into trouble and
you don't get arrested or yeah,it doesn't become a problem in your life.
(05:09):
I don't know what do you thinkabout that? You know, I
don't have any like sort of specificthings like that, so it's hard to
relate. But I feel like,as long as it's not getting you in
trouble, yeah, causing significant issuesin your relationships, Like if you are
able to maintain a healthy relationship,then everybody's allowed to have their own things.
But I think that, yeah,you're not. You don't ever want
(05:31):
to go into a situation being likethis is causing problems. I want to
get huwored. It's yes, howcan you help me manage it so I
can live a normal, healthy lifebut still be able to you know,
get excitement and stuff from that.So yeah, and I want to for
people live listening to this today,just remember what I said at the beginning
(05:51):
of the podcast. There's a bigdifference between an admiration and we're talking about
feet, potophilia, uh huh,then fetish And again if you're thinking of
and if you are if you thinkyou have a fetish, you want to
ask yourself, does it interfere withyour emotional functioning, your social functioning,
your vocational functioning, relational functioning,and of course sexual functioning. Now you
(06:15):
might say vocational functioning, what doesthat mean, Well, if you are
late for work, you're getting firedand losing your job because you rather stay
home and you have to masturbate tothis, I don't know. We'll talk
about potophilia because detail then you havea problem. You need to get some
help. So if it starts toimpact parts of your life that I just
(06:40):
outlined and you're getting in trouble forit, then you need to get some
kind of help for your fetish.If you're not, then enjoy the fetish.
That's what I say, But Ido want to say that share that
there are four types of fetishes.There's a body part fetish, like potophilia.
It's non traditionally sexualized part. Iwould never think of the feet as
being actual, So that's a footfetish. It is a fetish. Yeah,
(07:03):
you need the foot to get arouseand to have an orgasm. Uh
huh. The other one is abody feature. What do you think that
would be? Something non traditional likenot not boobs and and butts and things
that people into. Oh, it'sconsidered a body feature. Juice obesity,
bodily fluids. You know, youhear people like urinated on Oh my gosh,
(07:27):
yeah or yeah or yeah somebody that'sthat's attracted to somebody specifically because their
size or shape or color or anything. It might be yeah, like or
what I feel like, It canas long as it's within reason though,
like I would hate to be like, well I only want to be with
a woman or a man because theylook very young or anything like. That's
(07:48):
when it can get you in trouble. We don't have to talk about it.
Yeah. The other one is weprobably have heard of it's a clothing
like a texture stockings, that's afetish. I I you actually work with
a cup where he had a stalkingfetish and he could only perform if she
were where she would have to wearstock the feelings, everything. So something
(08:11):
must have happened to him and hischild somehow the stalking texture and feel and
look was paired with arousal. Butwe're going to get now back to before
we get to potophiliate textures. Leatherpeople also like text Yeah, textures,
right, So and now we're talkingabout leather going into like bondage and that
(08:33):
stuff. Is that fetish then that'spart of it. I mean, it's
hard to distinguish if it's not interfering, well, if it's not interfering with
your functioning in those areas that wetalked about, it's not a fetish.
Again, there's a fine line wehave to think about when we throw that
word around. Is it fetish,is it an admiration? Is it just
a kink? But fetish is aclinical term. And you know, I
(08:54):
don't want to get too clinical onhere because we play around sometimes, but
people laugh and joke about fetishes.But I do want to say that it
does interfere with people's relationships. Sure, and that's why we're here. We're
talking about the fucked up relationships thatcan happen, and we need to unfuck
that. And we do need tostart with talking about if you have a
(09:15):
fetish, talk to your partner aboutthe fetish. And I get a lot
of messages on my Instagram page,Ryan, Yeah, yeah, because you
do like to just pic of yourfeet. But normal stuff though, normal
stuff, and what is But whatI thought was normal? Okay, this
(09:39):
is where it gets very interesting.Ready, what I think our thought was
normal by a lot of the communityout there, The feet lover community fetish
community said wait a minute, Anita, you have a foot fetish or what
is this with your feet? Yeah, And I have to tell you it
all started very innocently now on Instagramand you guys and social media. I
(10:01):
actually hate taking pictures of myself selfies, blah blah blah blah. But for
my brand, for whatever, formy mission and my passion and what I'm
trying to do, I have toput myself out there. So one day
I was sitting outside and I thought, oh my god, not another fucking
selfie. I hate taking selfies.Yea. So I put my feet in
the water. I was by aswimming pool and I posted that picture,
(10:22):
and oh my god, I neverknew and I got so many messages about,
oh my god, you have themost beautiful feet, and a lot
of sexual questions about the feet,admirational comments about my feet and so forth.
And I thought, oh, thisis so interesting, and I started
to do it more. I'm like, well, that's easier than taking a
(10:43):
picture of myself. Sometimes the feetare pretty simple, right, Yeah.
I did not know what I justunleashed on my Instagram page. And then
people started saying, you know,you have and describing my feet in such
a sexual erotic manner, and I'mlike, wait a minute, this is
very interesting. So I started toread up on fetishes and then of course
(11:05):
potophilia more in detail, and Ithought, wow, it's amazing to me
how things can become so sexualized thatI never thought were sexual. And we
are all very different, and mostof my people are very respectful with their
fetish because when you talk about somethinglike a fetish, people think everybody,
you know, they're so weird,You're so weird as something fucked up.
(11:26):
And people who have a true fetishfeel like they are weirdos. Sure,
because it's not a normal sexualized partof the body. But I think,
well, why is it a whyare you a weirdo because you have this
thing? And then if you thinkof yourself as a weirdo sexually, it's
gonna you know what we talked aboutlast episode, interfere with your sex life?
(11:46):
Absolutely, yeah, I mean ifit's not hurting anybody or anything else,
like, what's the problem, Likewhy is anything anything? Because we
decided that, like as a society, that that's what's normal, Like,
well, that's right, but it'sbecause there's so much shame around it.
I mean, I had a commentfrom a guy who was fifty and I
remember this very well. Was lastyear. He's fifty five years old and
(12:07):
he's been living with this fetish.And you guys might think, oh,
that's so silly, it's not.He was very depressed over it. He
had numerous relationships that didn't work outbecause it impacted sexuality so much, which,
of course that impacted the emotional partof the relationship. He never told
her and then they ended up breakingThey broke up, and then he was
saying, you know, I'm ina relationship right now and I don't want
(12:30):
this to happen to me. Ican't believe I'm fifty five in his fifties
that what do I do with this? Anita? And I don't want to
approaching, of course, with compassionand saying, okay, there's nothing wrong
with you. If you go fortherapy and you discover that, hey,
this is where the fetish originates,it's not my fault, but it's a
part of who I am right now. But even if you can't answer the
(12:52):
question of why I have this fetish, accept it, and you need to
be able to talk to your partnerabout it in a way that they can
understand and help you understand and somehowincorporated into your sex life. Yeah,
and as long as it, youknow, is safe and and doesn't hurt
anything. Like I it's yeah,like I had sorry Amanda, but I
(13:15):
was I have had relationships with otherwomen before, but there was this one.
You have to yeh, I know, yea your most but I was
with a girl that wanted to getchoked. And I tell you what,
I'm not into that. Yeah,And I just I feel like if it
is not cool, if there arethings that can like like I get like
you want to yeah, right,like this or that, like like I'm
(13:39):
not I'm not I'm not into it, but like I can respect it.
But yeah, I'm that that wasn'tThat wasn't for me. And I think
that that's where like you have tobe really careful about, like is it
cool can you talk about with youryour partner or do you really need to
maybe talk to somebody because it's gonnait's gonna really affect your life. Well
that's like borderingline death life and death. Yeah, so that's a different issue.
(14:03):
But in terms of this gentleman,what ended up happening. To continue
sharing the story is through some andagain I say, I don't do therapy.
It's not doing therapy unless you're inmy office with me. That's therapy.
But I can guide and I canserve as an expert and give you
some advice. That's non therapeutic.I have to say that's wedding. It
fucking suit. But just guiding himand just saying, hey, have a
(14:26):
conversation, and what ended up happening. He finally shared with this one woman
after fifty years that he had afoot fetish, and she was very accepting
about it and life. Their sexuallife actually was really good, and he
said it enhanced my sexual life,sex life, actually it was kind of
fun. So I was really happyto hear that. I'm just sharing that
(14:46):
with the listeners here today to say, if this is you, then it's
working with this horrible feeling of shame. And we talked about that in our
last episode of you know we allcarry, well not all of us,
but there is some shame with sexuality. And then if you have a fetish
that even makes you more shameful.I'm feeling like you're some kind of weird
(15:07):
though it doesn't have to be thatway. Yeah, I mean that could
create some kind of excitement or somethinglike you know, you can you can
kind of get a guy off withyour feet, or you can do things
like you know, that may befun to try or do something like Sorry,
man, I would I don't thinkI want to do that, but
but I feel like that for everything. Yeah, but that could be fun
for people to add a little spiceor whatever to just like we're talking about
(15:31):
last podcast, Like you're with somebodyfor a long time sex, you can
get bored. You gotta add somestuff to it. It can be fun.
But I just want to you know, and thinking about the subject because
well, why do you want totalk about that? What does it matter?
It does matter because it is somethingvery private and people are very ashamed
of it, and it does impactpeople's relationships. And also I don't know
(15:52):
if you I remember reading last yearor saw on the news. Also this
guy in the subway, of course, he cut a woman's hair. He
was sitting next to her and hecut a little bit of her hair off.
Wow. And he was arrested andput in you know, jail.
But what he really needs is help. He had a hair fetish and he
(16:15):
had a history, and when welearn more about him, it's sad.
Right, he cut a bit ofher hair off, and of course she
freaked out. I'd freak out tootoo. What are you doing? Just
can't you just go to a salonand like be like, can I sweep
up a little bit or something?I mean, that's interesting vocation for somebody
who baby But yeah, like peopletake their hair seriously. Somebody cut my
(16:37):
hair, I would be mad,but you know, it was kind of
sad. He was arrested put injail. And I'm reading this and I'm
listening to it on the news too, and I'm thinking, the guy needs
help. He's he's harmless, buthe's obviously cross across the boundaries. Right.
You can't do that again. Whenit interferes and gets you arrested and
you get fired, you definitely havea problem and need to get some help.
It's about controlling the fetish, notletting the fetish control you. And
(17:02):
again, that would be my roleas a therapist if you came to see
me. Because I don't believe inthe cure of your fetish. I believe
in helping you manage it so itdoesn't get you fired. And you don't
end up in prison, you don'tend up losing your relationships, and you
have the social stigma. But Imatine, you're making a sad face,
poor human, like that's you knowwhere it's like, that's obviously you you
(17:26):
know, that's crossing a line.But that's someone who who was not having
an understanding, and you know itneeds that. And I'm just thinking about,
like, there's so many great wigshops, like you can you can
order human hair wigs on Amazon,like there's other things so people I do
I have. I also, youknow, obviously you can't do that in
(17:48):
this woman, like I'd be superupset. Yeh, same thing, what
are doing? But you know Iread that, I thought, oh,
there's so many people suffering, youknow, with things that we are totally
unaware of and things that you know, we laugh at me and make fun
of. And I think that it'snot funny. And he doesn't belong in
jail or you know, doesn't belongin needs how find a way to help
(18:10):
it. Have a compassion for people, like it's important. Yeah, And
then I you know, when Iyou know, I put my feet and
guys, so I just want tomake it clear I don't have a foot
fetish. I kind of and peoplewill say, well, you like the
attention to your feet, and like, well why not. I've actually always
hated my feet. I thought theywere really ugly. And so it's empowering
you a little bit. I mean, and I don't know, like your
(18:30):
pictures are pretty, like you're justlike kicking it, like on a couch
or doing whatever, Like you likeyour picture like your feet with like a
cup of sucking on my Yeah,it's it's it's a real chill like,
yeah, you could. You coulddo things a lot. And they've asked
me, can you do an onlyfans page for your feet? I'm like,
well that passive income would be yeah, I mean thinking about it,
but I don't know. I meanI don't I feel like it's sex work
(18:56):
and all of that stuff in general, Like there shouldn't be any sort of
negatives about that, Like you gotto get it. How you got to
get it, Like as long asyou're respectful and you're not hurting anyone or
being hurt by it or being exploitedor any of those things. Yeah,
you're free to do that if youwant into that is wonderful. Embrace it.
So getting back to you know whatyou were talking about, Amanda and
(19:18):
sharing that, Yeah, you know, I saw your sad face. And
I do have compassion for people whohave these a fetish of some sort and
they're very ashamed of it because itdoes start to impair their ability to function
normally in society. And we laughat it. And again, I want
to go back to people who mightbe thinking they have one, and they're
(19:38):
there and I've said there's no curefor it. I don't believe there's a
cure for It's not the way Iwork. It's all about management. But
there are therapists who believe there arethere is a cure. One of the
ways some therapists work with it isa version therapy, you know what,
And that speaks to and goes inalignment with the theory I talked about earlier.
(19:59):
That's somewhere childhood. You know thatyour sexuality becomes paired with that object.
If we're talking about feet, aversion therapy very interesting. I think
I could minimize some of that.What do you think it is? Do
you have any idea I've ever heardof this concept of version therapy? Yeah,
Well, isn't it exposure to well, I'm I'm making an assumption expendire
to like negative exposure to the theobject or yeah, like that's exactly what
(20:26):
it is, which which seems likeyou know we're gonna ungay you, yeah
they or something really like archas.I don't know like that. There's also
like okay, you it can't impedeyour life, but so what it's a
part of who you are and whatyou're into. I don't like or does
it need to just be managing away to make it healthy? I believe
(20:48):
it should be managed in a healthyway that you don't get in trouble that
you're not on the subway and youknow, trying to cut somebody's hair off.
So but you can manage it ina healthy way. It means all
about management. Love what you're saying. It just sounds so it's so aggressive.
I mean, if somebody really wantedit and they were like I just
want this to be done and it'sthe last straw and they're specifically requesting it,
(21:10):
Yeah, Other than that, withthat person, I'd be more like,
Okay, well let's talk about itwhere let's try to figure out where
it came from. If they rememberedand somehow sometimes in therapy we can trigger
those memories and okay, now weexplored it, we know where it comes
from. Let's try to manage itin a healthy way that it doesn't get
you arrested. But some version therapistswould say no, this person, and
(21:33):
for somebody who say no, no, no, absolutely not. I want
it to be cured. But itis exactly that I expose you to something
along with that. Say you hadpotophilia, a fetish of the feet,
and you came to me, hesaid, I want a version therapy.
How does it work? I wouldtake maybe an artificial foot or pictures of
a foot that's exactly what it is. And then with the picture of the
foot, I would expose you tosomething foul, like a smell, and
(21:56):
the goal and the belief would bethat overtime time, when you see feet,
anything related to feet, you wouldassociate that foul smell and there goes
your erection. That's definitely an direction. Sure, But then you d program
yeah, yeah, a relationship toyou know, but your d programmer you're
trying to undo. And I'm gay, like you said, and I think
(22:18):
that's apps. I don't know,I'm not really for that unless the client
wants it, But mine would bemore an approach of, Okay, it's
a part of who you are,how do we embrace it, how do
we make you can actually, ifyou're able to talk about it with your
partner, how do we incorporate that'sa fun part of your sex life?
Sure, yeah, you know,if it's not hurting anything, Like,
(22:41):
I think it's important, And Ithink we have to also figure out if
that person is like, oh Ireally want to get fixed, Like is
it because you want to change itor you feel that someone or society or
what is it? What is yourmotivation for feeling so bad about it?
Like maybe it's not a version therapy. Maybe it's just a reframing that,
Hey, you're not fucked up,you're not weird, you're cool, You're
(23:04):
you're normal like everyone else everyone's intostuff, Like how do we just make
it a part of your life andyou start feeling comfortable about it with yourself
the same way if somebody has youknow, maybe you know they were burned
and they haven't like a really likekind of like scarring on their chest and
like, oh I don't want someoneto see it with my shirt off.
(23:25):
Well, no, it's who youare, like, embrace that and the
person you're wish to embrace it too, like, and I just think it's
like when people are like, oh, that's so weird and disgusting, I'm
like, what is so disgusting about? We're going to stick to feet because
you know that's on my page andI don't have a foot fetish. But
I'm just saying I have compassion formy feet loving followers, Yeah, who
(23:45):
admire my feet. I'm like,okay, thanks, that's I don't find
it weird, and they'll thank me, say oh, thank you for normalizing,
and I said, I'm not.I'm just accepting. You know.
Part of my thing is I acceptyou for who you are. Sure what
can become a problem in relationships inwhich you have a partner who has a
sexual fetish is that I start feelinglike you just want me for my feet,
(24:07):
and then I feel like that's nota turn on for me. I
do it for you, but youjust want me And now I'm feeling used,
like my feet are feeling used.So I've had that happen where the
partners feel like I don't you know, I've done all of that. I
tried to piece him in this way, but there's other stuff that I want
to do and that then I think, okay, well then you need to
share that with him. And howdo we find a balance in your sex
(24:30):
life that it's not always about thefeed? I can get that. Can
you imagine if Amanda, you know, and it was always a foot thing.
Wait, wait a minute, Idon't always want to do yeah,
right, no, absolutely, yeah, it can be a part of but
it can't be everything, and especiallybecomes like a routine or something like all
right now it's now it's time toyou know, get this out. And
(24:52):
yet right, yeah, I didn'teven know what was I had to look
at what I'm like in my forties. I don't know what a foot job.
Yeah, the internet is crazy,did you do you know what?
Really, you've never come across thisbefore. I ask Ryan to tell us
about what a foot job is.I'm too show. I mean, so
(25:14):
it's exactly It's exactly what you thinkit might be. So just imagine a
woman sitting crisscross apple sauce. Okay, you know, Diego loves this,
and then you know, maybe yourfavorite massage lotion or whatever, and the
man would then be laying down orsitting, and then you know you kind
(25:37):
of you put your feet together aroundaround the penis and you're kind to go
up and down to to you know, it creates a hole. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, what can youdo? You know, around the pe
around penis, going up and down. But I would see sitting crisscross apples
the arch right of the in betweenthe arch of your feet. Obviously you
can't me. You can't see memoving putting my feet together. But but
(26:02):
put your your feet together and thenyou see that there's a small little gap
between the arch of your feet,and then just imagine putting a penis in
between it. It seems like themost comfortable way to do it, because
then then you can see like thatnot well, you start crisscross apple sauce,
then put your feet together. Wecan tell Ryan's done this before.
It sounds like I have right,No, I just no. But I
(26:25):
saw I saw a video once.I'm like, this is fucking wild.
You know, I'm honestly, that'snot something I'm interested in. Feet are
kind of feet aren't gross, Butbut I don't love just thinking through the
mechanics. Yeah, like a manis like, oh, I want to
get a pedicy or this or that, and I'm like, well, if
it makes you happy, but Ireally I'm not going to look at your
(26:47):
feet. I don't really care aslong as they're not gross. Like well,
I always thought I always think feetare gross, That's why. And
I always had to think with myfeet. I never, as a young
person wore open toe shoes because Ithought all my nails I have like toes
that are like aliens because they're reallylong. And but then I was like,
fuck it. In my forties,I'm like, I'm wearing open to
shoes. And then with that picture, it just opened this whole new world
(27:08):
to me. I'm like, Ifucking love my feet. Thank you guys.
So it's been therapeutic for me.But I want to get back to
google the foot job thing. Itell you. Now I know why the
arch is so important because I wouldget all these comments about Anita, we
love your arches, and I'm like, oh, I've never even thought of
(27:29):
a minute. And then I thenI'm like, oh, oh see,
we can all learn. I'm learningin my old age arches. Now I
know why the arches are so thatkind you got it? But man,
I just yeah, right, therein the foot, like you know,
you think about ballet answers and howthey've got that it's the cur arch Like,
(27:52):
yeah, I got it, butI had to google. I'm like,
oh, now I get why theyliked the arches. But I'm not
offended by that. You know,people, I'm like, no, I
now am appreciating my feet and seethem in a different light. Does this
give me a foot fetish? Ofcourse not. I'm too old to have
a foot. Let's be real.Is that is that weirder than putting a
penis in your mouth? Come on? Yeah? No, are we gonna
(28:15):
like that's that's? How is thatnormal? How is that normal? But
you know what I'm saying, like, and that's something that a lot of
us too. It's but okay,it's not normal, right, Yeah,
it's a mouth, And I hateto say, okay, let's just normal.
We'll have to figure, you know, redefine what normal means. But
I agree with the comment that you'remaking. But how is that one?
(28:37):
How is it different? Because it'sa mouth, is warm, wet and
made of the same material of vagina? Is I don't know about that?
The penis is meant to go inone place? And that's the vagina unless
you're gay, then it goes somewhereelse. But I'm just saying, is
it meant and I only mean bynot that it's it's just it's just the
(29:02):
mouth. The mouth is a likeor being gay like than that, It's
like, well that makes sense thatthis is a logical other thing you could
do. We're like either feet orlike you know, having you know,
putting your your penis between boobs ormake an elbow. It's just it's a
(29:22):
little bit more non traditional and youhave you have to do a little bit
more work, like you have to. A mouth is self lubricating in that
you don't need to have extra sise. Lot of the way men have a
great reason for I'm just saying,I'm like, imagine maybe a little bit
different, maybe a little bit differentselling the blow job. Okay, Ryan,
(29:45):
we know. I'm just saying.No man has ever denied, I
know, I mean maybe one,but yeah, that's wait, go ahead,
Amanda. Yeah, I was justsaying, imagine the first blow job,
right, Like we were saying,like the the physiological like the intention
is to get seed where it canbe for life, right Like, that's
(30:06):
the function, but the first timesomeone was like, hey, let's try
this, right, which might haveeven been initiated, Like when, what
was that first moment? And wasthat weird? I love thinking about the
first blow dub. It's such anamazing thing. What was happening? Does
it? Who invented this blowjob?It was probably you know, and they
(30:29):
were like, hey, you knowwhat we did? Oh that's so weird.
Why did you do that? We'lltry it now? You know?
Like where did that spread throughout humanity? No? And you're right, this
culturally defined norms of what our sexualityshould look like and what we should do
and should not do. And whatis considered pathological in terms of a fetish
(30:49):
is pathological meaning it's not normal.It's in the DSM means if you have
a fetish, there's something wrong withyou. But again we go back to
if it starts to get you arrested, then yeah, you're in trouble and
you need to get some help onhow to manage it. But I love
that. Yeah, what what?Why is a blowjob normal and a fetish
is not? Well? Ryan hada great explanation for it, but he's
(31:12):
a guy because he likes that.I don't know if my opinion has as
much weight as it more. Yeah, I mean, was a young guy.
We don't, we don't, wedon't. He's just a little guy
we don't talk about. That's areally good point, you know. I
bet it was invented by a manor discovered by a guy. Let me
(31:34):
see where I can stick this thing. Maybe not. Maybe it was a
woman going, you know what,try this, let's try this because I'm
too you know, Yeah, Imean, but how is anything like?
I mean, at some point itwas probably like if you weren't doing it
like missionary, like was it weirdor had something like? We can normalize
all these leave it to the humansto figure out other ways because we were
(31:55):
bored. Yeah, well sure,yeah, because by logically we know how
it's supposed to go, but itdoesn't. But that's a really good point.
You know, what makes a fetisha fetish? Clinically we talked about
it. I shared it with youguys, But it's true, like what
makes something normal and does an abnormalin the bentionm what is it? And
as you said earlier, if it'snot hurting anybody and it's consensual, who's
(32:19):
anybody to judge that it's when peopleagain have guilt and shame around their sexuality
and what their preferences are, wefall into a place of not being content
with our sex life hence our relationships, like we talked about last week when
we talked about sexuality and sex inour relationships. So fetish is you know,
(32:39):
it's okay to have a fetish.You're not a freak, You're not
a weirdo. If it starts tointerfere with your functioning in society, like
you get arrested or your relationships arefalling apart, then you do need to
go to talk to somebody about it, or you need to talk to if
it's interfering with your relationships, youdon't have to see a therapist. Talk
(32:59):
to your part care about it andtell them that you have one, and
share like a story about anything elsethat I would share if I had a
FEI sometimes I wish I did haveone. It might make up for fun.
But I'm too old to develop onebecause there is there too old to
do something because I still sometimes Ifeel like I might be a little too
(33:21):
vanilla in the bedroom. Sometimes canI can I get something else? I
mean, I don't want to getinto feet or anything or anything. Why
why is that weird? Okay,there you go. You just said feet
was weird. Why is it weird? It's not, it's not weird.
It's weird because you just described howto do a yeah. Right, Well
it doesn't okay, well because itdoesn't interest you're not interested in Yeah,
(33:43):
and I feel like I'm open tothings, but like you know, if
it's vanilla, I'm sorry, Idon't want to be But like, dirty
talk makes me feel uncomfortable, justbusy, algic. Okay, we're going
to analyze Ryan today. Awesome,what makes you uncomfortable? It feels awkward.
(34:05):
It really feels awkward, like physiologically, like I feel like it's the
dirty talk is it's really weird.Like, but what if Amanda said to
you, my fetish is that Ineed, I absolutely need this dirty talk
because I would figure it out.Absolutely. I would figure it out for
sure, because because if you're witha person that doesn't want to work with
you about your fetish and you're withthe wrong person, and I would,
(34:29):
I'm sure I could find a wayto be more comfortable about it. But
yeah, something about even graphic likewords for things like yeah, Amanda loves
this. I really dislike the wordpussy. I don't like that word and
it makes me feel uncomfortable. Andshe knows it, and she'll like come
up to me and like whisper pussy. I'm like, oh my god,
(34:50):
what the fuck? Like, whyare you doing this to me? I
would never torture you like this.Yeah. Well, also because she's such
like a wholesome like you look atit, she's Mary Poppins. But but
you shouldn't be talking but like,and it's not that. I feel like
if you're into dirty talk in thebedroom, that's great, and like sexting
(35:10):
can be like a thing if you'relike, you know, you're long distance
things, very interesting words. Itfeels aggressive and demeaning. Well, I
think it is demeaning because when yousay, oh, you're being a pussy,
you're you're basically implying that they don'tthey're not creating. Yeah, I
have to tell you something. Ithink it's we need to turn that ship
(35:31):
around. I don't know about yourpussy, they're gonna My pussy is the
most powerful thing. Man. Itpushed children out. So I'm just saying
when people say and use it asa derogatory term, I'm like, I'm
sorry, what the hell can yourpenis do? Can it shove out push
out a child? It can't,But my can't push that child rule the
(35:52):
world because there's nothing more powerful thanyou're vagina. There's just nothing it can
run. So this whole derogatory useand the meaning of that word men bringing
with very very offensive because I tellyou my vagina is totally more powerful than
your penis because I can push it, and women do. We push children
(36:15):
out of that thing, and Idon't think your penis can do that.
So I hate that word. ButI find it that was a side.
Diego's laughing, Diego, it isthe most powerful thing in this world,
Diego. Sorry, Diego, he'sgetting a lesson in fetishes in sex and
(36:35):
now anyway, So I hate Diego. It is not it should not be
a derogatory term. It should beempowering. But getting back to what you're
saying, so it's very sensitive foryou, it is. And then yeah,
so what what does it make youfeel? Physically uncomfortable? A little
bit? It makes me feel veryawkward and weird and and any sort of
(36:59):
like I mean a little like,oh this feels good in bed kind of
thing. But if it would belike oh fuck me this that, I'm
like, I don't have any anydesire for that at all, especially when
it becomes sort of like aggressive ordemeaning or like what is it like dominating?
(37:19):
Right, you know those things.But like I also I wouldn't be
like, you know, I thinklike rough sex or any of those things.
Also, I don't have any interestin like gentle Yeah. I feel
like I feel like women should berespected and sex should be intimate. Like
I also, I'm not really superinterested in like sex from behind because I
want to be more connected with theperson I want to see. Yeah.
(37:44):
And also I just you know,I just I want to look at the
women like. Yeah. It's interestingbecause some people during that process will avoid
the eyes. Oh sure, theydon't want to look at each other,
and often the eyes are closed,yeah, which I mean I think is
interesting. I'm not going to sitthere like the whole time and make crazy
eye contact. That's kind of weird. But also I feel like that's funny.
(38:08):
Yeah. So I just feel likeif if if a woman is on
top, I feel like it's justa better view, Like there's just more
stuff to look at women. Ican see this perspective of the male perspective.
Yea. And although I have thespecific things that I'm into, it's
not that I'm If Amanda wanted todo something else, I would be I'd
(38:30):
be happy to, but it's Ithink what we're even going back with like
last week, like knowing who youare and what you are, and like
I'm like, hey, this iskind of what I like. And if
we can incorporate this and in that, I would appreciate it, and then
we can do some stuff for youand we can all be happy. But
let's just communicate about you have totalk about and what you're saying. The
(38:51):
important part of what you're saying,lots of things to unpack and lots of
important points you're making, Ryan,is that if this was her fetish,
you want to know about it,you would try to accommodate it. And
on your side, Amanda, fromwhat you've shared, is that you'd be
like, Okay, it doesn't alwayshave to be about my fetish. As
long as you accept it, kindof understand it and the role that it
(39:14):
plays in our sexual life, thenwe can do other things that are mutually
satisfying. And that's one of theareas that becomes problematic when there is a
fetish that the partner who doesn't havethe fetish feels like it's all about your
satisfaction and your fetish. What aboutwhat I need sexually? That's where it
can become problematic. And you know, this connects to what we talked about
(39:37):
in our last episode that if youhave a healthy, honest conversation with your
partner about it, then we canfind the balance sexually. But again,
own your fetish. If it's notinterfering with your functioning, then talk about
it with your partner. And asa society, Oh my god, we
are so fucking repressive. We gotto unfuck the shame around all the stuff
(39:58):
like it's so shame Well, Ithink there's a lot of other things that
people do that are way more shamefulthan have a foot fetish, you know,
people who share with me. I'mlike, some people are doing lots
of crazy shit that that should beThey should be arrested for that shit.
Never like, there's evidently a guyin Milwaukee that drives around jerking off.
I'm not I'm not experienced, butI've seen it on multiple people on social
(40:20):
media posted in the last few years, like talking about this that the people
have been arrested, not that I'maware of. I don't know if it's
true, but I've seen enough peopletalk about it. Yeah. But even
even if it's not, like,don't what's the type of moorism? Right?
Like you need to see my junk? Like yeah, but women tend
not to do that. But youknow, getting back to the fetish,
No, so don't be sorry.I want to make the point that he's
(40:42):
mostly men who have fetishes. Getthe data. This leads into what you're
saying, guys, you know,women just we just don't need to do
that. Is it physiological or isit because men do talk about it?
More? Like what is it thatmakes there's a biology? We're just far
wired that way. I don't know, Amanda, what do you think?
(41:04):
I think we are just not thatway And men maybe goes back to our
hunting and gathering, like this isa form of hunting for some men and
we're just we're gathering. I don'tknow, but women just don't do fucked
up shit like that. I don'tknow. The men are kind of fucked
up like that, not all ofyou, So don't get offended. But
it's true we here and learn wellthe data too. Again we go back
(41:25):
to if we look at it fetishes, men report having more fetishes than women.
But you could argue, well,our women to shine embarrassed to say
that they have one because traditionally they'renot supposed to be aggressive in the bedroom.
Yeah, that was the point,right, We're supposed to be repressed
and let the act happen to usrather than engage and say, hey,
(41:47):
no, we kind of like this, And women do have fetishes, by
the way, I've had uh,text messages, not text message dms on
my instat from women who say,yeah, I have a fetish and I
love your feet, and there's lessof that. But then I think,
oh, I wonder if it's justwe're just more repressed and ashamed to admit
that we like certain things, becauseagain we're just supposed to lie there and
(42:08):
let it happen to us. Additionally, and yeah, yeah, I feel
like that like women, even ifyou're talking about social media, like,
there's probably not women that are likesending unsolicited pictures of their genitalia, where
evidently, like dick pics are athing I've not they are, I've never
met anybody as a guy that's talkedabout sending so have you, I mean
(42:31):
you, I'm assuming you've never No, No, I wouldn't. I don't
even think I've sent one on request. I don't know if I feel I
mean, I mean, if youreally wanted me to. But I have
to tell you that on my Instagram, I have had the dick pics,
like lots of dick piics. Yeah, I've even had videos. And now
(42:55):
my thing is is, guys,I never opened any pictures because of that
now and literally the first time Igot when I was innocantly just going through
my dms, because I do,I do try to respond to all of
them, and boom, there's adick. I just want to say,
diego's laughing. There is nothing attractiveabout a dick. You're not in the
moment. Has it ever worked once? Has anyone ever sent a dick pic
(43:17):
and gotten a good response to thepoint where like, now, like,
how'd you guys meet? Well,you know, I sent her a picture
of my dick on solicited and thenwe met up for coffee and we're not
we've been married for ten years.Like no, thank you, That's exactly
that. That's what exactly what itmade me think. Dude, if you
really wanted to have a relationship withme or impress me, this is not
(43:37):
the way to do it. I'mnot all gaga Google over you now because
I've seen your heart dick or I'veeven had videos where they're you know,
ejaculate everywhere and I'm just like,block, block block, You're disgusting.
No, yeah, and that thankyou Ryan for making that point. Yeah,
I didn't go all crazy and wantedto get his NUMBERAK want to say
the behind a dick pick because Ican't imagine that someone like someone is really
(44:00):
thinking like I'm going to send itto this woman and then she's going to
want to day receptive. So therehas to be some other payoff for it,
right, So what is that saying? Form of voyeurism? Like that's
what it is. And you know, I always we're getting a little bit
off topic, but it's related.It's like cowards behind keyboards, Like I
bet if I met that person whosent me the dick pic in person,
(44:22):
they would not have enough guts tobehave like that at all. But now
because we have this medium that wecan just do this and we don't have
to be accountable for it. Yeah, you know, unknown hiding behind the
keyboard and sending all kinds of shipnot enough balls to do it in front
of me, I bet you ifyou're standing literally, people just like being
(44:45):
like, oh, hey, here'smy dicky out in public. By the
way, take your hands with mydick or my boo to share? Nan,
What is that just just down onthe table. Yeah, I mean
(45:06):
that's what guys sometimes do, youknow? Right anyway, Yeah, that
was really funny. Thank you.Don't let's not try that on the first
date. Take a dick out,right, But I'm just saying you would
never do that on a first date, but apparently on social media that's acceptable.
And then no, nobody's going tofall madly in love with you because
(45:27):
you sent a dig picture to somewoman that you like. But again,
I want to get back to whatwe were talking about fetishes, and please,
if you're listening to this, youshould, And you didn't listen to
our lot last podcast, you should. It's related and I think, if
anything, the takeaway today is ifyou have a fetish, it's okay,
You're not some weirdo. Just try, you know. Part of getting some
(45:51):
help would be to manage it soyou don't get arrested and get yourself in
trouble again. Vocational, emotional,social, sexual relation all functioning if it
interferes with those things, and yeah, you do need to get some help.
If not and you're ashamed of it, work on the shame. You
can by yourself or with a friendor with a therapist, but talk to
(46:13):
your partner if you have one,and then it could possibly enhance your life.
And absolutely we'll take some of theshame away. Thank you for sharing
your story. Sorry diego that youhad to listen to our pussy talk.
Yeah, like, did I saytoo much? No, we don't know.
As I say, this podcast isabout real and being raw and sometimes
(46:37):
we go a little bit off topic, but for me, it's all related
because we got to unfuck our lifeand relationships from the inside out. Bye
guys, see you next time.Unfuck your life and relationships's recorded it High
five Studio You Walk You Wisconsin.Oh, fuck your life, Odd,
(46:58):
fuck your life.
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