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February 22, 2021 20 mins

Ken feels his community is often treated as an invisible group, but neither that nor growing up with privilege are keeping him and his family safe right now.  

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Ken (00:10):
I do you have privilege and it's really hard to even admit
that sometimes because you don'twant to comment on it. You know,
you have to really reach deepwithin yourself to be able to
talk about it, because I feellike when you mention privilege,
people look down on you rightaway, as if... it's actually
uncomfortable talking aboutprivilege.

DB Crema (00:35):
This is United States of Race, personal stories of how
our earliest memories determinea lifetime of relationships.
Each episode features one guestsharing their experiences with
race. Keeping these episodesanonymous lets our guests share
the real uninhibited stories oftheir life. And it gives us the

(00:56):
chance to listen withoutprejudice. I'm your host, DB
Crema. Today, we're joined byKen who feels his community is
often treated as an invisiblegroup. But neither that nor the
privilege he grew up with arekeeping him and his family safe
right now.

(01:19):
When did you first become awareof race?

Unknown (01:22):
My first time actually confronting race was my second
week of school, second grade.
And basically, this blonde, blueeyed girl comes up to me at
lunch and goes, is it true thatyou eat dogs? And I looked at
her and I was like, I don'tknow. I have never eaten a dog

(01:45):
before. So the same day I camehome and asked my mother, I
asked, Mom, do we eat dogs? Andshe goes, What are you talking
about? Because we actually comefrom a very upper middle class
family. So my mom was shocked tohear about, you know, hearing my
question, because it was verylow for her. She was like, did

(02:09):
someone ask you this, did yourteacher ask you this? And I told
her a little girl asked me atlunch. And she goes, No, we do
not eat dogs. So I was reallyhappy about that answer. Next
day. I told this little girlthat no, my mom said we don't
eat dogs. So I was born in theislands of the Philippines. And
if you know anything about thePhilippines, we do have a long

(02:31):
history with the Spaniards andalso the Americans and actually
seeing white people, or Americanmissionaries - It was pretty
common. Growing up, my parentssent us to an all American
school. So we spoke English inschool, we would speak Tagalog

(02:52):
in public, as well as myparents' - dialects kapampangan
and elcano. So, ya know, I wasalways surrounded by people of
different colors back in thePhilippines. But the issue of
race actually came up when Istarted to go to school here in

(03:14):
the US. We immigrated to the USin 2001, and landed in San
Francisco. And if you knowanything about San Francisco, it
has a huge Asian AmericanPacific Islander population,
because of the whole history ofthe transcontinental railroads
with the Chinese arriving, theVietnamese refugees, so I

(03:35):
actually felt at home. Isometimes can't imagine landing
in the Midwest. So acclimatingin the US was actually easy for
me. And actually, it's funnybecause my mom would always pack
us lunch, and she would cook ustraditional Filipino food, and I
would take it to school. And Iwould be made fun of, you know,

(03:57):
it's traditional for us to eatwith our hands. But people kept
staring at me. I was mortified.
I wanted to fit in. I was in anew country. So I actually asked
my mom the same day, Can Ipossibly get some Lunchables?

(04:20):
Because my friends all havethem.

DB Crema (04:23):
Don't all children eat their school lunch with their
hands like their sandwiches,their Lunchables and their like
little packets of gummy bearsand their apple and their juice
box. It's all with your hands.

Unknown (04:37):
Yeah, you would think so. But my school would actually
make sure that we don't use ourhands. They actually encouraged
us to really use our utensilsthat were given to us. And they
tried to enforce that. I mean, Iwould come home and my dad would
be using his hands to eat hisdinner, and I would kind of look
at him almost in disgust. So Istruggled with my identity when

(05:03):
I came here because my momactually told us stop speaking
Tagalog, stop speaking dialects.
And I never understood why untillater on, because my mom wanted
us to really, really acclimateand actually be a part of the
general population without beingstared up. Despite the huge
Asian American community alreadyin the Bay Area. I had a lot of

(05:24):
friends who were Asian,actually, the African American,
and also the white community wasactually the minority in my
school. So I never reallyinteracted with many black or
white people, until I actuallymoved to Reno, Nevada. When I
first got here, I was like, weremy Asians at? I was really

(05:50):
shocked because I went touniversity here. And people
would actually look at me andmistaken me as an international
student, which really, reallysucked because they thought that
I didn't speak English. No onewanted to sit with me at my
science labs, because theythought there would be, you

(06:12):
know, a language barrier. Andthey already judged me based on
what I looked like. I actuallyeven tried to really, really
integrate myself in the studentpopulation here by joining a
fraternity. And it wasn't forme, so I actually quit my
fraternity within a year becauseI was just trying to fit in. And

(06:34):
with me joining a fraternity andbeing introduced to the
community, I was more likelyhighlighted. And it felt like,
you know, I was like theelephant in the room that people
stared at.

DB Crema (06:52):
It's amazing what we'll do to try and fit in. But
sometimes it ends up just makingyou stick out more.

Unknown (06:59):
Exactly, exactly.
That's how I felt. And it wasn'tuntil I joined some AAPI, which
caters to the Asian American andPacific Islander community. It
felt like home there, but Ididn't want that to be just my
university experience with, ohyeah, you know, all these Asians
know each other.

DB Crema (07:23):
Makes me think about how one goes about creating
spaces, safe spaces, withoutkind of self segregating. You
know, like, you don't want topurposefully seek out only,
quote, unquote, your kind oronly, you know, almost becoming
even more insulated. Because offeeling welcome. But...

Unknown (07:48):
But it was easier to hang out with people who look
like me, because they understoodwhat I was going through. But
actually, dating dating wasreally hard. Because I was
fetishized. I went to a gayclub. This six foot six white
man came up to me and was like,You look really exotic.

DB Crema (08:13):
Oh the exoticized thing.

Unknown (08:15):
And I was like, uh...thanks? I was just like,
well, it really, really caughtme off guard. Because in the Bay
Area, there are so many peoplethat look like me. But coming
into a city where it'spredominantly white, made me
feel fetishized.

DB Crema (08:36):
I mean, what's wrong with that? You know, you're
being appreciated for yourdifferent looks. And and in
theory, it's a compliment thatyou're good looking and
different from everyone else. Sowhy is it an issue?

Unknown (08:49):
For me personally, I don't want to be a box that
someone checks off their list. Idon't want to, I don't want to
be that one story where a guygoes, Yeah, I tried an Asian. I
mean, you know. And it's almostdemeaning that you want to

(09:11):
possibly date me just so you cansay that, you have expanded your
circle, dating circle. So it didmake me feel awful. But I did
end up dating a white guy. Andactually, this is a terrible
story. I met his family. And,you know, they seemed really

(09:34):
nice. And one night, I was alonewith my ex's mom. And she
actually said to me, do you lovemy son, or are you just looking
for a green card? And I waslike, What are you talking
about? I'm actually a UScitizen. That really hit me

(09:55):
hard. It just made me feel likeshit. In all honestly. So I
almost moved back to the BayArea, so so many times. It was
really hard on me in this... ina smaller town. You know, people
who look like me primarily werepeople who work in casinos that

(10:22):
were on a worker's visa. So itwas really, really difficult. So
especially with COVID, you know,I used to live in downtown Reno,
and a truck came by with theirwindows down, and someone
screamed COVID and pointed atme. And I was like, What? Are

(10:43):
you kidding? This is happeninghere? But in all honesty, it
doesn't surprise me as much. I'mmore surprised that the
anti-Asian American,discrimination in San Francisco,
where it's already predominantlyAsian American. So you hear all
about these news articlesfeaturing like, older Asian

(11:08):
Americans being killed or evenhit just out of nowhere. I'm
more surprised about that.

DB Crema (11:15):
What...where's that coming from?

Ken (11:17):
I mean, it's xenophobia at its finest. I mean, in
comparison to other people ofcolor. Asian Americans haven't
really been targeted. COVIDreally sparked that up again.

DB Crema (11:35):
Do you think it ever bothers you? The assumptions
made about you, whether yourstatus in the US or COVID, is
because you come from a place ofprivilege?

Ken (11:49):
That's tough.
Yeah, I would say so. I wouldsay that it does hit me a little
bit harder, because they thinkwe're all savages who come from
a third world country and it'slike, Actually, no, I grew up
speaking four languages. And,you know, my parents are

(12:12):
educated. And I guess it doeshit my ego a little bit more.
Because like I said, in the verybeginning, we come from a very
upper middle class kind offamily. Each child had their own
maid, each child had their ownchauffeur. But I didn't realize
that we were upper middle classat the age of seven. I just

(12:36):
thought everyone had a nanny.
Everyone had someone who drovethem. Growing up, we were
basically shielded from all ofthe poverty around us. But race
was never really an issuegrowing up, because we saw
people of all colors. I mean,honestly, hen I came to the US,

(12:57):
my first question was, Why dowhy people get tans? I mean,
because in Asian culture, if youhave lighter skin, it means that
you're richer because you don'twork in the fields. If you have
darker skin, it really meansthat you work outside, and maybe
you work the land. My mom neverunderstood it. She was the type

(13:20):
of Asian lady who would bring anumbrella on a sunny day. You
know, that kind of lady whowants to avoid tanning, because
she thought in her head, herskin color meant her social
class. So white people, who shethought because of their color,
were rich or higher up there,you know, upper middle class,

(13:42):
were making themselves darker.
Whereas people in thePhilippines would want to
portray themselves as light aspossible to avoid biases, people
may be looking down on them. Soactually a little funny story, I

(14:02):
joined my high school swim team.
And it was an outdoor pool. So Iwould get tan really, really
fast. And my mother one day, shedidn't say anything. She just
handed it to me. She gives me awhitening soap. And I was like,
What is this? And she goes, it'sfor your skin. Skin color was a

(14:24):
defining feature, and my momwanted, she just wanted me to
feel secure and not be judgedfor having darker color. Because
that's what she thought. Shewanted to protect me, and that's
how I see it.

DB Crema (14:46):
Yeah, it's it's interesting that you're saying
about the Philippines thatcolorism, which you can think of
as an offshoot of racism is, inthis case, it's showing the
connection to the issue ofsocial class, more so than the
issue of race, which I mean, theUS is looked at sometimes almost
entirely as a black and whiteissue. But this is about class.

Unknown (15:10):
Exactly. That is correct. You're on point there.
And in America, it has becomemore of a black and white issue.
And maybe this is why Iconsidered Asian Americans as an
invisible figure, we're almostjust like an invisible race in
the middle. Because, you know,honestly, we kind of fly by

(15:34):
pretty okay. And should we beokay with that, with where we
are? I mean, within my lifetime,this is the first time I have
seen anti-Asian attacks. Iwasn't around then in 1942,
during Manzanar. Okay, JapaneseAmericans were sentenced to this

(15:59):
is still controversial, butinternment camps in Manzanar. I
feel like that was the last timexenophobia really attacked the
Asian American community. So howdo I feel with xenophobia, now?
I worry about my parents wholive in San Francisco. I mean,

(16:20):
they're still working. And itscares me. It scares me more.
And I feel like I'm able to holdmy ground here in a tiny town,
even though I've experiencedracism, but I do worry about my
parents, I do check up on themmore often nowadays. I mean,

(16:44):
people are attacking all sortsof Asians, not just people who
look Chinese. If you look Asian,you probably know they kind of
consider you as a COVID carrier.
Or you started COVID. And thisis why my grandfather died. Or
this is why my cousin is in thehospital right now. They project
their hate towards people wholook Asian. It doesn't matter if

(17:07):
you grew up in mainland Asia orthe archipelagos of the
Philippines. It's scary.

DB Crema (17:18):
Are your parents worried?

Unknown (17:20):
My parents are worried.
So my mom is currently a hospiceworker. In the Bay Area, she's
not in one facility. She goesinto people's homes and cares
for them. So it does scare mewhen my mom goes to different
parts of the Bay Area. Sosometimes I ask her where are
you stationed today? And, youknow, when she goes to an area

(17:41):
that is predominantly white, Ialways tell her to message me
when she's done because sheleaves around like 1am. You know
most crimes occur around them.
So, it's weird, you know,fearing for my mom who is in a

(18:03):
predominantly white community.
So it's, it's a crazy time rightnow. And it's weird to feel like
that. I mean, the scar that wewill carry from COVID, if it
ever ends, is going to be longlasting. So it's kind of hard to
be hopeful, because this isgoing to stick with this for a

(18:25):
while in terms of how peopletreated the Asian American
community. But let's try, let'stry to be helpful. Let's try to
find a way. I feel like it'llpass. I mean, we will remember,
but I feel like the racism basedon assuming that every single
Asian had something to do withCOVID will pass. And with social

(18:48):
media, people are able to reallyspread positive messages and
educating people and I feel likethat's the only way. It's been
so nice. I mean, a lot of myAsian friends have been
reposting those things. But seing people of all colors r
posting them, it makes me feel lss of a target. And as one of t

(19:11):
em.

DB Crema (19:25):
Thanks for listening to United States of Race. This
podcast was produced by me, Youhost, DB Crema, and our artwo
k is designed by Aly Creative. Iyou love great storytelling, g
ahead and subscribe to UniteStates of Race on Spotify, Appl
podcasts or wherever you geyour podcasts and show us some

(19:46):
ove by rating and writing a reiew on Apple podcasts or Podchas
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(20:07):
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if you Yes, you have a compeling story to share and would lik
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