December 3, 2024 • 23 mins
Hello everyone!
Today I'm speaking on self sabotage - where it comes from, why we do it and steps we can take to break the patterns.
I hope you enjoy
Send questions for Q&A epiosde below:
Bianca@neurospark.co.nz
www.neurospark.co.nz
@neuro.spark
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, and welcome back toanother episode of Unlearn with
Bianca.
On this podcast, we exploreeverything around self healing,
health, personal growth, themind body connection,
relationships, and more.
In these episodes, I'm here toempower you, to educate you, and
to challenge you so that you candeepen the connection that you
have with yourself.
What's up, friends?
Welcome back.
(00:21):
Thank you for taking the time tolisten to yet another episode,
taking time out of a busy timeof the year to tune in with me.
Today, we are going to betalking about self sabotage.
We're going to be talking aboutpreconceived notions around self
sabotage, what we think it isversus what actually is.
(00:42):
But before we begin, I just wantto say that I think it's about
time for another Q& A session.
Another Q& A episode, I did oneearly on in the podcast, but I
haven't done one for a while.
So I would love it if you sendme your questions and I will do
my best to answer them on one ofthe upcoming episodes.
Now I'm not going to placelimitations on these questions.
(01:03):
You can keep them healthrelated.
you can ask me questions.
You can make it mindset,relationships or whatever.
I will leave it up to you.
If you want to send mequestions, DM me on Instagram or
email me at biancaatneurospark.
co.
nz.
So let's get back into today'sepisode on self sabotage.
(01:25):
Now, this episode topic actuallycame to me after recently
reading, or actually listeningto a really good audiobook by
Brianna Wiest called TheMountain Is You.
If you are into personaldevelopment, if you want a
really easy listen, I mean, Ilisten, you could also read it.
(01:48):
I highly recommend getting yourhands on this.
And if you didn't know, ifanyone listening who doesn't
know this, I'm sure I was kindof late to the party learning
about this, but if you haveSpotify premium, you can
actually download audio booksfor free.
So that is a life hack.
So self sabotage.
That is a term that I know wecan all relate to, one way or
(02:11):
another.
On the surface, at a glance,most people think self
sabotaging habits is simply alack of willpower or discipline
or laziness.
It's self destruction.
And when we are experiencing it,it's often frustrating.
It feels like irrationalbehavior when we know we
consciously want something, butthere's just this other part,
(02:34):
this other habit.
Getting in the way.
We are essentially blocking ourblessings.
We are blocking success.
It feels like it's coming fromwithin, so it's a frustrating
experience.
Essentially, self sabotage iswhen somebody intentionally
makes choices that go againsttheir best interest.
So let's go through someexamples of really common self
(02:56):
sabotaging behavior.
Okay, it's Monday morning.
I feel like some people arealready gonna know what I'm
gonna say here.
It's Monday morning, you This isthe week.
This is the week that you startyour new diet, your new healthy
eating buzz, you're startingyour exercise plan, you're
committed, it's Monday, it'snew, it's a fresh start.
(03:16):
And let's say by Tuesdayafternoon you find yourself
hanging out in the pantry havinga little bit of a nibble from
the leftover brownie after theweekend.
That is self sabotaging.
And I've been here beforebecause I've got a sweet tooth.
Even though you know thatconsciously.
That healthy eating is good foryou.
That you want to feel fit.
(03:37):
You know how good it feels to benourishing your body.
The self sabotaging part gets inthe way of you staying
consistent.
Another example isrelationships.
Let's say you, um, you reallyare excited about being in this
new relationship.
That you've wanted for a reallylong time.
(03:58):
But you start to find yourselfStarting up small arguments or
nitpicking or perhaps shuttingdown when a difficult
conversation comes up.
You know you want thisrelationship to work.
You know that you consciouslylike this person, but you just
seem to be getting in your ownway of it going smoothly.
An example also might beapplying for a new job.
(04:21):
There is a job that you want.
You have applied for it.
You've gone through the process.
You're at the final interview.
And then you just say somethingthat you like really question.
Why did I say that?
Why?
Why did I say that thing?
Why was I like that?
Or you start doubting yourselfat the final stage and start
telling yourself all the reasonswhy everybody else would be
(04:42):
better at the job or moredeserving at the job than you
would be.
You want the job, but thenagain, you seem to get in your
own way.
Another example, you have thisamazing idea for a new side
hustle, a new business.
For a creative pursuit thatmight give you some extra money.
This idea has been sitting withyou for ages and you know you
(05:03):
need to get stuck in, but youconsistently find yourself
scrolling, spending hourswatching reels.
You want the success, you wantthe money, you want the freedom
and the creativity.
But the procrastination isgetting in the way.
And one more.
Let's imagine you've been havingsome health problems.
You have needed to take time offwork.
(05:24):
You haven't been able to engagein the things that would usually
bring you joy.
And you've been really stuck.
You know that getting yourhealth back is possible.
But you're just struggling tokeep the momentum.
Struggling to make changes toget there.
This is a Another form ofwanting something consciously,
(05:46):
but having blocks sabotagingblocks that are coming up that
are blocking us from gettinganother result.
And I know we've all been herebefore and it's that feeling of
like, what am I doing?
Why do I keep diverting off thepath?
I know so strongly that I wantthis thing.
Why do I keep doing things thatare completely opposite?
(06:06):
So that is very normal.
And like I said, most peoplethink of self sabotage as a
negative thing.
A lack of willpower, a lack ofdiscipline, laziness, self
destruction.
But, on today's episode, I'mgoing to change it up a bit for
you.
I'm going to offer you anotherway to look at self sabotage.
(06:27):
Because if there is one thing Ihave come to learn, Everything
we do, every habit, everybehavior, and I really want you
to sit on what I'm about to sayand think about it.
In everything we do, there isalways a positive intention
behind why we do it.
Whether that be conscious,meaning that we are aware, but
(06:50):
more than likely, Unconscious,meaning it is beyond our
awareness, and this is where weoperate 90 percent of the time.
This positive intention of whywe do things is often because we
are unconsciously trying to meeta need.
And that could be a need forconnection, a need for safety, a
(07:13):
need to be validated, or it'shelping us avoid some kind of
pain.
So we spend so much time.
Time and energy gettingfrustrated at ourselves when we
feel like we're in resistancewith ourself when these self
sabotaging behaviors come up.
(07:34):
But I'm going to switch it upand Change this perspective so
that we can get into a littlebit more compassion and change
the relationship that weactually have with self
sabotage.
Because I'm telling you now,self sabotage itself is not the
enemy.
It is a symptom.
A lot of these insights andunderstandings have really come
(07:54):
to me through this thing calledparts work, so it's this notion,
it's this idea that we all haveparts, conscious parts, we want
to head in one direction and weknow that we're heading in that
way but then there's theseunconscious parts that seem to
get us stuck, that seem to beresisting, that seem to hold us
back.
(08:14):
And when these two parts are atplay, it feels like it's taking
a lot of energy.
It feels like we are, it's likegetting a trolley, right?
And you know, when you go to thesupermarket, you get a trolley,
you get a trolley with threewheels that are working good.
And then that one wheel that'sgoing off on the side and it's
like hard to push the trolleyforward.
And that's what I think of whenI, when I think about parts work
(08:37):
and in this case.
Self sabotaging parts.
So if we can remember thateverything we do in life has a
positive intention Somewhere,somehow, even if it's in a weird
way, and we think about theseparts that are getting in the
way Where are these parts from?
Where do these self sabotagingparts come from?
(08:58):
Without going into it in toomuch detail, these parts are
often created at a younger agewhen we had a gap in knowledge
when we were trying tounderstand the world, we didn't
have the critical thinking, wedidn't have the reasoning,
that's where we start to formbeliefs.
And that's where these beliefsthen drive our behaviors.
(09:20):
So These self sabotaging, partsare usually based on outdated
patterns from childhood or pastexperiences.
For example, if you learned as achild that standing out and
saying whatever was on your mindlead to criticism, you might
(09:44):
subconsciously.
Avoid success when you grow upbecause there's that part that
knows that success Self sabotagehas in the past equalled
criticism.
Self sabotage isn't aboutweakness or lack of motivation.
It's a conflict between yourconscious desires or goals and
(10:05):
subconscious programming.
And like I said, often that'sfrom earlier experiences or
previous years.
And the other thing I want youto remember is that your
subconscious believes thatstaying where you are Is safer
than moving forward becauseremember naturally we are primed
for safety.
So self sabotage in thatinstance is a survival strategy.
(10:30):
It comes out when there's like aconflict between your goals
versus.
So if we can see it like that,if we can see that it's a safety
thing.
It's getting needs met.
It's avoiding pain.
And it's to do with some of theprogramming from younger years
and beliefs that come in.
(10:50):
We can start to have somecompassion.
That this isn't intentional.
It's that autopilot brain doingwhat it does best until we start
to have some awareness.
So let's look back at some ofthose examples I gave earlier.
And I'll explain a little bitmore about what the positive
intention of Self sabotagingbehavior might be what our
(11:12):
subconscious mind might betrying to protect us from where
it's trying to gain safety Soit's day one.
It's Monday.
It's the fresh start.
You're on your healthy eatingbuzz and On Tuesday you find
yourself Snacking on somebrownie.
Okay, we don't have to read intothis too deeply like not
everything's super deepGenuinely, you might've just
(11:33):
been sidetracked by the brownie,but I'm talking about when
you're really committed to yourhealthy eating plan and you just
continually find yourself selfsabotaging.
So it could be that by grabbingthe brownie and self soothing,
your unconscious is trying toprotect you from feeling some
kind of discomfort.
It could be uncomfortableemotions.
It could be a sense of boredom.
(11:55):
It could also be that.
Our subconscious as a way ofprotection, uh, puts on weight
as a way not to be seen.
That's another way.
So there's a lot of differentthings that come out in self
sabotaging behaviors where theunconscious is trying to meet
certain needs or avoid pain.
In the relationship examplewhere you really know you want
(12:17):
this relationship to work butyou keep starting arguments or
nitpicking, it could be thatsomewhere along the way your
subconscious has learnt the painof abandonment and therefore
these behaviours are trying toprotect you from getting too
attached.
Although it's not consciouslyworking for you and you're
getting, might be gettingfrustrated for, for these
(12:39):
behaviours coming out,subconsciously.
It is trying to protect you.
With the job example,consciously you want the job,
but you seem to have fumbled theinterview at the last minute or
started getting doubts.
Perhaps there is a subconsciouspart that knows that this job is
(13:00):
not aligned with your authenticessence.
And therefore is trying to stopyou from doing a job that is out
of alignment.
Starting that new venture andknowing that there's money to be
made and there's opportunitiesto be had and freedom, but you
keep finding yourselfprocrastinating.
Although you consciously wantsuccess and you consciously want
(13:21):
those things, subconsciouslythere may be a fear around
responsibility or being visiblein the public.
Or it might bring up that fearof failure.
It might even be that beliefthat the unconscious belief of
if I am successful, people willwant things from me.
So that is another one that cankeep us really stuck.
(13:43):
Finally, the last example I gaveof being stuck with these
ongoing health issues.
Sometimes our symptoms canunconsciously be meeting.
A need in really strange ways,perhaps the job you hated before
you got health issues, you knowthat if you become well, you're
going to have to go back to thatjob and you don't want that.
(14:05):
So, uh, it might be meeting aneed in that way.
Often something comes up withclients is that when they get
their health back, relationshipdynamics are going to change.
So sometimes that is, there's abig fear around that as well.
So I'm not saying that this isthe driving force for illness.
I'm just saying that sometimesthere are ways that our symptoms
(14:27):
are meeting a particular need oravoiding us from experiencing
pain.
Ultimately, self sabotage is themechanism that the mind uses to
avoid fear.
Whether it is fear of success,it could be fear of failure, of
rejection or change.
The brain often associates newexperiences with discomfort.
(14:47):
So you might be thinking, okay,Bianca, that makes sense, but
what do I do?
I keep, I keep self sabotaging.
Where do I start?
So the first thing I would sayis Just being open to shifting
from that identity of I am thisway, and this is just how I am,
or I always self sabotage, youknow, those big generalizing
(15:08):
statements, the I am statements,and just shifting it and opening
it up to have more possibility.
For example, moving from Ialways procrastinate, um, it's
just the way I am, I don't likefailing, and opening that up to
I'm learning to take action evenwhen I feel discomfort and that
(15:31):
is building my resilience and myconfidence.
What can happen when we start tocontinually self sabotage on
something in particular?
Let's say like it's the healthyeating thing and we Keep self
sabotaging.
Then we start to build thosereally strong beliefs and we
lose that self trust that we canactually make change.
So the start of it is reallyjust opening up this language
(15:54):
and stop generalizing.
Stop making these identitystatements of I can never stick
to a diet.
My relationships So these arestatements that just leave no
room for choice.
They, they leave no room foragency.
And I think this is the start.
It's just getting curious oflike, where am I, where am I
blocking the potential forchange in my language?
(16:18):
And curiosity.
Is a lot more open and powerfulthan judging ourselves.
I think we'd start there.
The next thing I would say isstarting to use the power of
awareness.
Because, like I said, selfsabotage is really a symptom.
(16:38):
And I am not saying, like, do ahuge investigation into every
single habit and behavior.
Because sometimes I thinkintellectualizing everything can
get us even more stuck.
And that is a problem.
A self sabotaging pattern initself.
Um, but what I would say is justlike start to notice the same
(16:59):
patterns that come up.
And again, just get curious, getcurious as to exploring the
underlying reasons for thesebehaviors, because when we can
start to have that awareness, itmeans that when we are.
In the midst of a situation andwhere we feel like we're
sabotaging, we can actuallycommunicate our feelings.
(17:22):
Let's say it's, you know, arelationship and we can practice
some vulnerability and say, I'mfeeling like this, this is my
pattern.
Um, or we can take steps to setthings up for ourselves, knowing
that Will be more successful.
For example, removing thebrownie from the kitchen, you
(17:42):
know, taking that extra step.
So actually having awareness ofwhere do I generally sabotage
myself?
That is a start.
One thing that gives me clarityis writing.
So sometimes I will list mydesires or my goals.
And then I'll write down thebehaviors or the patterns that
(18:02):
are blocking me from achievingthese goals.
Because I think one thing is wehave to be honest.
We have to be honest withourselves.
The first step is always gettingout of denial and actually
saying, yep, I said I'd do this.
This is what I'm doing instead.
Why, and yeah, again, asking,why may I be doing this and what
can I choose to do differently?
(18:22):
Take it a step further, you caneven reflect on the emotion that
seems to be driving the selfsabotaging behavior.
It could be fear, fear ofshowing up fully.
It could be shame.
It could be this feeling ofunworthiness.
And again, that will just helpgive you some context as to
where you can start.
(18:44):
It's also really beneficial toask questions like, What beliefs
do I hold about success?
If I become successful, if Imeet my goals, what does that
mean?
Um, what do I believe aboutfailure?
What do I believe abouthappiness?
It's similar when we explorebeliefs about money.
(19:05):
If you are told growing up thatyou have to work really, really,
really hard for money, or that acertain type of person is one
that has a lot of money, likeGreedy, not a good person, then
it's going to be really hard foryou to make a lot of money
without self sabotaging, withoutunpacking those beliefs and
(19:26):
reshaping beliefs that feel morealigned with you, not aligned
with.
What has been passed down and Ithink something that goes beyond
just awareness is starting toacknowledge our emotions and
process any emotions that we'vepushed down from the past.
Working through any emotions andunresolved conflicts.
(19:48):
Maybe you haven't experienced.
forward through things liketherapy or meditation or somatic
work or parts work or NLP workthat I do.
There's so many different waysof doing this, but I think it
just requires so much energy tohold on to emotions from the
past and the more we can workthrough them with someone we
trust, uh, the more space wehave in our nervous system to
(20:09):
embrace.
Change as well.
When I do parts work with myclients, often I'm getting them
into a visualization where wecan connect with their
subconscious and they arebringing up a part of them,
which is often a younger part.
They are communicating with thispart.
They're asking this part certainquestions.
They're giving this partreassurance.
(20:31):
It's almost like in a childwork.
It's really connecting to thatyounger part that feels scared.
Feels like it's trying toprotect you.
And I think if we can take thatconcept and even do that day to
day and have those types ofdialogues with ourselves, it can
be really reassuring when we'removing through self sabotage.
(20:52):
So let's say it'sprocrastination and I've come to
this realization thatprocrastination is there because
it's trying to protect me frombeing seen fully, or it's trying
to protect me from being judged.
I would.
Talk to that part of myself andremind that part that it's safe
to take it one step at a time,it is safe to take steps
(21:16):
forward, that you deserve to beseen, the people that will be
there will be there, like all ofthese reassuring things.
Uh, so pausing, noticing,offering some compassion rather
than getting straight intofrustration and then that cycle
of guilt and shame because LikeI said, there's always a
(21:38):
positive intention.
It sometimes just takes a littlebit to, to connect to what that
actually is.
And I think the last thing Iwant to remind you guys is that
everybody at some point has selfsabotaging behaviors that get in
the way.
I just encourage you to Notthrow yourself in the deep end.
We always want to make change ata pace that suits our nervous
(22:00):
system.
Take things one step at a time.
Build that capacity so that wecan build that self trust.
Meaning, don't make hugepromises.
Don't over commit.
Just do things one step at atime.
Moving through self sabotagedoes require us to get real with
ourselves.
It requires some grit, itrequires us to really focus on
(22:22):
what we truly desire andcommitting to that, and also
thinking about why we desirethat.
But I think at the end of theday, remember that, you know,
we're all human, we all havethese things pop up.
If you can meet self sabotagewith compassion and curiosity,
rather than frustration, it'sgoing to be a whole lot easier
(22:43):
to move through.
Yeah, you have that awarenessthat there's always a positive
intention.
It's also going to make iteasier to move through as well.
One step at a time.
Okay, guys, that is me fortoday.
Please remember to send throughyour questions.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening.
Please take time to rate thispodcast.
If you have a minute, send it tofriends and family that you
(23:06):
think will benefit.
Have an amazing week whereveryou are and I look forward to
seeing you guys on the nextepisode.
Hello, and welcome back toanother episode of Unlearn with
Bianca.
On this podcast, we exploreeverything around self healing,
health, personal growth, themind body connection,
relationships, and more.
In these episodes, I'm here toempower you, to educate you, and
to challenge you so that you candeepen the connection that you
have with yourself.
What's up, friends?
Welcome back.
(00:21):
Thank you for taking the time tolisten to yet another episode,
taking time out of a busy timeof the year to tune in with me.
Today, we are going to betalking about self sabotage.
We're going to be talking aboutpreconceived notions around self
sabotage, what we think it isversus what actually is.
(00:42):
But before we begin, I just wantto say that I think it's about
time for another Q& A session.
Another Q& A episode, I did oneearly on in the podcast, but I
haven't done one for a while.
So I would love it if you sendme your questions and I will do
my best to answer them on one ofthe upcoming episodes.
Now I'm not going to placelimitations on these questions.
(01:03):
You can keep them healthrelated.
you can ask me questions.
You can make it mindset,relationships or whatever.
I will leave it up to you.
If you want to send mequestions, DM me on Instagram or
email me at biancaatneurospark.
co.
nz.
So let's get back into today'sepisode on self sabotage.
(01:25):
Now, this episode topic actuallycame to me after recently
reading, or actually listeningto a really good audiobook by
Brianna Wiest called TheMountain Is You.
If you are into personaldevelopment, if you want a
really easy listen, I mean, Ilisten, you could also read it.
(01:48):
I highly recommend getting yourhands on this.
And if you didn't know, ifanyone listening who doesn't
know this, I'm sure I was kindof late to the party learning
about this, but if you haveSpotify premium, you can
actually download audio booksfor free.
So that is a life hack.
So self sabotage.
That is a term that I know wecan all relate to, one way or
(02:11):
another.
On the surface, at a glance,most people think self
sabotaging habits is simply alack of willpower or discipline
or laziness.
It's self destruction.
And when we are experiencing it,it's often frustrating.
It feels like irrationalbehavior when we know we
consciously want something, butthere's just this other part,
(02:34):
this other habit.
Getting in the way.
We are essentially blocking ourblessings.
We are blocking success.
It feels like it's coming fromwithin, so it's a frustrating
experience.
Essentially, self sabotage iswhen somebody intentionally
makes choices that go againsttheir best interest.
So let's go through someexamples of really common self
(02:56):
sabotaging behavior.
Okay, it's Monday morning.
I feel like some people arealready gonna know what I'm
gonna say here.
It's Monday morning, you This isthe week.
This is the week that you startyour new diet, your new healthy
eating buzz, you're startingyour exercise plan, you're
committed, it's Monday, it'snew, it's a fresh start.
(03:16):
And let's say by Tuesdayafternoon you find yourself
hanging out in the pantry havinga little bit of a nibble from
the leftover brownie after theweekend.
That is self sabotaging.
And I've been here beforebecause I've got a sweet tooth.
Even though you know thatconsciously.
That healthy eating is good foryou.
That you want to feel fit.
(03:37):
You know how good it feels to benourishing your body.
The self sabotaging part gets inthe way of you staying
consistent.
Another example isrelationships.
Let's say you, um, you reallyare excited about being in this
new relationship.
That you've wanted for a reallylong time.
(03:58):
But you start to find yourselfStarting up small arguments or
nitpicking or perhaps shuttingdown when a difficult
conversation comes up.
You know you want thisrelationship to work.
You know that you consciouslylike this person, but you just
seem to be getting in your ownway of it going smoothly.
An example also might beapplying for a new job.
(04:21):
There is a job that you want.
You have applied for it.
You've gone through the process.
You're at the final interview.
And then you just say somethingthat you like really question.
Why did I say that?
Why?
Why did I say that thing?
Why was I like that?
Or you start doubting yourselfat the final stage and start
telling yourself all the reasonswhy everybody else would be
(04:42):
better at the job or moredeserving at the job than you
would be.
You want the job, but thenagain, you seem to get in your
own way.
Another example, you have thisamazing idea for a new side
hustle, a new business.
For a creative pursuit thatmight give you some extra money.
This idea has been sitting withyou for ages and you know you
(05:03):
need to get stuck in, but youconsistently find yourself
scrolling, spending hourswatching reels.
You want the success, you wantthe money, you want the freedom
and the creativity.
But the procrastination isgetting in the way.
And one more.
Let's imagine you've been havingsome health problems.
You have needed to take time offwork.
(05:24):
You haven't been able to engagein the things that would usually
bring you joy.
And you've been really stuck.
You know that getting yourhealth back is possible.
But you're just struggling tokeep the momentum.
Struggling to make changes toget there.
This is a Another form ofwanting something consciously,
(05:46):
but having blocks sabotagingblocks that are coming up that
are blocking us from gettinganother result.
And I know we've all been herebefore and it's that feeling of
like, what am I doing?
Why do I keep diverting off thepath?
I know so strongly that I wantthis thing.
Why do I keep doing things thatare completely opposite?
(06:06):
So that is very normal.
And like I said, most peoplethink of self sabotage as a
negative thing.
A lack of willpower, a lack ofdiscipline, laziness, self
destruction.
But, on today's episode, I'mgoing to change it up a bit for
you.
I'm going to offer you anotherway to look at self sabotage.
(06:27):
Because if there is one thing Ihave come to learn, Everything
we do, every habit, everybehavior, and I really want you
to sit on what I'm about to sayand think about it.
In everything we do, there isalways a positive intention
behind why we do it.
Whether that be conscious,meaning that we are aware, but
(06:50):
more than likely, Unconscious,meaning it is beyond our
awareness, and this is where weoperate 90 percent of the time.
This positive intention of whywe do things is often because we
are unconsciously trying to meeta need.
And that could be a need forconnection, a need for safety, a
(07:13):
need to be validated, or it'shelping us avoid some kind of
pain.
So we spend so much time.
Time and energy gettingfrustrated at ourselves when we
feel like we're in resistancewith ourself when these self
sabotaging behaviors come up.
(07:34):
But I'm going to switch it upand Change this perspective so
that we can get into a littlebit more compassion and change
the relationship that weactually have with self
sabotage.
Because I'm telling you now,self sabotage itself is not the
enemy.
It is a symptom.
A lot of these insights andunderstandings have really come
(07:54):
to me through this thing calledparts work, so it's this notion,
it's this idea that we all haveparts, conscious parts, we want
to head in one direction and weknow that we're heading in that
way but then there's theseunconscious parts that seem to
get us stuck, that seem to beresisting, that seem to hold us
back.
(08:14):
And when these two parts are atplay, it feels like it's taking
a lot of energy.
It feels like we are, it's likegetting a trolley, right?
And you know, when you go to thesupermarket, you get a trolley,
you get a trolley with threewheels that are working good.
And then that one wheel that'sgoing off on the side and it's
like hard to push the trolleyforward.
And that's what I think of whenI, when I think about parts work
(08:37):
and in this case.
Self sabotaging parts.
So if we can remember thateverything we do in life has a
positive intention Somewhere,somehow, even if it's in a weird
way, and we think about theseparts that are getting in the
way Where are these parts from?
Where do these self sabotagingparts come from?
(08:58):
Without going into it in toomuch detail, these parts are
often created at a younger agewhen we had a gap in knowledge
when we were trying tounderstand the world, we didn't
have the critical thinking, wedidn't have the reasoning,
that's where we start to formbeliefs.
And that's where these beliefsthen drive our behaviors.
(09:20):
So These self sabotaging, partsare usually based on outdated
patterns from childhood or pastexperiences.
For example, if you learned as achild that standing out and
saying whatever was on your mindlead to criticism, you might
(09:44):
subconsciously.
Avoid success when you grow upbecause there's that part that
knows that success Self sabotagehas in the past equalled
criticism.
Self sabotage isn't aboutweakness or lack of motivation.
It's a conflict between yourconscious desires or goals and
(10:05):
subconscious programming.
And like I said, often that'sfrom earlier experiences or
previous years.
And the other thing I want youto remember is that your
subconscious believes thatstaying where you are Is safer
than moving forward becauseremember naturally we are primed
for safety.
So self sabotage in thatinstance is a survival strategy.
(10:30):
It comes out when there's like aconflict between your goals
versus.
So if we can see it like that,if we can see that it's a safety
thing.
It's getting needs met.
It's avoiding pain.
And it's to do with some of theprogramming from younger years
and beliefs that come in.
(10:50):
We can start to have somecompassion.
That this isn't intentional.
It's that autopilot brain doingwhat it does best until we start
to have some awareness.
So let's look back at some ofthose examples I gave earlier.
And I'll explain a little bitmore about what the positive
intention of Self sabotagingbehavior might be what our
(11:12):
subconscious mind might betrying to protect us from where
it's trying to gain safety Soit's day one.
It's Monday.
It's the fresh start.
You're on your healthy eatingbuzz and On Tuesday you find
yourself Snacking on somebrownie.
Okay, we don't have to read intothis too deeply like not
everything's super deepGenuinely, you might've just
(11:33):
been sidetracked by the brownie,but I'm talking about when
you're really committed to yourhealthy eating plan and you just
continually find yourself selfsabotaging.
So it could be that by grabbingthe brownie and self soothing,
your unconscious is trying toprotect you from feeling some
kind of discomfort.
It could be uncomfortableemotions.
It could be a sense of boredom.
(11:55):
It could also be that.
Our subconscious as a way ofprotection, uh, puts on weight
as a way not to be seen.
That's another way.
So there's a lot of differentthings that come out in self
sabotaging behaviors where theunconscious is trying to meet
certain needs or avoid pain.
In the relationship examplewhere you really know you want
(12:17):
this relationship to work butyou keep starting arguments or
nitpicking, it could be thatsomewhere along the way your
subconscious has learnt the painof abandonment and therefore
these behaviours are trying toprotect you from getting too
attached.
Although it's not consciouslyworking for you and you're
getting, might be gettingfrustrated for, for these
(12:39):
behaviours coming out,subconsciously.
It is trying to protect you.
With the job example,consciously you want the job,
but you seem to have fumbled theinterview at the last minute or
started getting doubts.
Perhaps there is a subconsciouspart that knows that this job is
(13:00):
not aligned with your authenticessence.
And therefore is trying to stopyou from doing a job that is out
of alignment.
Starting that new venture andknowing that there's money to be
made and there's opportunitiesto be had and freedom, but you
keep finding yourselfprocrastinating.
Although you consciously wantsuccess and you consciously want
(13:21):
those things, subconsciouslythere may be a fear around
responsibility or being visiblein the public.
Or it might bring up that fearof failure.
It might even be that beliefthat the unconscious belief of
if I am successful, people willwant things from me.
So that is another one that cankeep us really stuck.
(13:43):
Finally, the last example I gaveof being stuck with these
ongoing health issues.
Sometimes our symptoms canunconsciously be meeting.
A need in really strange ways,perhaps the job you hated before
you got health issues, you knowthat if you become well, you're
going to have to go back to thatjob and you don't want that.
(14:05):
So, uh, it might be meeting aneed in that way.
Often something comes up withclients is that when they get
their health back, relationshipdynamics are going to change.
So sometimes that is, there's abig fear around that as well.
So I'm not saying that this isthe driving force for illness.
I'm just saying that sometimesthere are ways that our symptoms
(14:27):
are meeting a particular need oravoiding us from experiencing
pain.
Ultimately, self sabotage is themechanism that the mind uses to
avoid fear.
Whether it is fear of success,it could be fear of failure, of
rejection or change.
The brain often associates newexperiences with discomfort.
(14:47):
So you might be thinking, okay,Bianca, that makes sense, but
what do I do?
I keep, I keep self sabotaging.
Where do I start?
So the first thing I would sayis Just being open to shifting
from that identity of I am thisway, and this is just how I am,
or I always self sabotage, youknow, those big generalizing
(15:08):
statements, the I am statements,and just shifting it and opening
it up to have more possibility.
For example, moving from Ialways procrastinate, um, it's
just the way I am, I don't likefailing, and opening that up to
I'm learning to take action evenwhen I feel discomfort and that
(15:31):
is building my resilience and myconfidence.
What can happen when we start tocontinually self sabotage on
something in particular?
Let's say like it's the healthyeating thing and we Keep self
sabotaging.
Then we start to build thosereally strong beliefs and we
lose that self trust that we canactually make change.
So the start of it is reallyjust opening up this language
(15:54):
and stop generalizing.
Stop making these identitystatements of I can never stick
to a diet.
My relationships So these arestatements that just leave no
room for choice.
They, they leave no room foragency.
And I think this is the start.
It's just getting curious oflike, where am I, where am I
blocking the potential forchange in my language?
(16:18):
And curiosity.
Is a lot more open and powerfulthan judging ourselves.
I think we'd start there.
The next thing I would say isstarting to use the power of
awareness.
Because, like I said, selfsabotage is really a symptom.
(16:38):
And I am not saying, like, do ahuge investigation into every
single habit and behavior.
Because sometimes I thinkintellectualizing everything can
get us even more stuck.
And that is a problem.
A self sabotaging pattern initself.
Um, but what I would say is justlike start to notice the same
(16:59):
patterns that come up.
And again, just get curious, getcurious as to exploring the
underlying reasons for thesebehaviors, because when we can
start to have that awareness, itmeans that when we are.
In the midst of a situation andwhere we feel like we're
sabotaging, we can actuallycommunicate our feelings.
(17:22):
Let's say it's, you know, arelationship and we can practice
some vulnerability and say, I'mfeeling like this, this is my
pattern.
Um, or we can take steps to setthings up for ourselves, knowing
that Will be more successful.
For example, removing thebrownie from the kitchen, you
(17:42):
know, taking that extra step.
So actually having awareness ofwhere do I generally sabotage
myself?
That is a start.
One thing that gives me clarityis writing.
So sometimes I will list mydesires or my goals.
And then I'll write down thebehaviors or the patterns that
(18:02):
are blocking me from achievingthese goals.
Because I think one thing is wehave to be honest.
We have to be honest withourselves.
The first step is always gettingout of denial and actually
saying, yep, I said I'd do this.
This is what I'm doing instead.
Why, and yeah, again, asking,why may I be doing this and what
can I choose to do differently?
(18:22):
Take it a step further, you caneven reflect on the emotion that
seems to be driving the selfsabotaging behavior.
It could be fear, fear ofshowing up fully.
It could be shame.
It could be this feeling ofunworthiness.
And again, that will just helpgive you some context as to
where you can start.
(18:44):
It's also really beneficial toask questions like, What beliefs
do I hold about success?
If I become successful, if Imeet my goals, what does that
mean?
Um, what do I believe aboutfailure?
What do I believe abouthappiness?
It's similar when we explorebeliefs about money.
(19:05):
If you are told growing up thatyou have to work really, really,
really hard for money, or that acertain type of person is one
that has a lot of money, likeGreedy, not a good person, then
it's going to be really hard foryou to make a lot of money
without self sabotaging, withoutunpacking those beliefs and
(19:26):
reshaping beliefs that feel morealigned with you, not aligned
with.
What has been passed down and Ithink something that goes beyond
just awareness is starting toacknowledge our emotions and
process any emotions that we'vepushed down from the past.
Working through any emotions andunresolved conflicts.
(19:48):
Maybe you haven't experienced.
forward through things liketherapy or meditation or somatic
work or parts work or NLP workthat I do.
There's so many different waysof doing this, but I think it
just requires so much energy tohold on to emotions from the
past and the more we can workthrough them with someone we
trust, uh, the more space wehave in our nervous system to
(20:09):
embrace.
Change as well.
When I do parts work with myclients, often I'm getting them
into a visualization where wecan connect with their
subconscious and they arebringing up a part of them,
which is often a younger part.
They are communicating with thispart.
They're asking this part certainquestions.
They're giving this partreassurance.
(20:31):
It's almost like in a childwork.
It's really connecting to thatyounger part that feels scared.
Feels like it's trying toprotect you.
And I think if we can take thatconcept and even do that day to
day and have those types ofdialogues with ourselves, it can
be really reassuring when we'removing through self sabotage.
(20:52):
So let's say it'sprocrastination and I've come to
this realization thatprocrastination is there because
it's trying to protect me frombeing seen fully, or it's trying
to protect me from being judged.
I would.
Talk to that part of myself andremind that part that it's safe
to take it one step at a time,it is safe to take steps
(21:16):
forward, that you deserve to beseen, the people that will be
there will be there, like all ofthese reassuring things.
Uh, so pausing, noticing,offering some compassion rather
than getting straight intofrustration and then that cycle
of guilt and shame because LikeI said, there's always a
(21:38):
positive intention.
It sometimes just takes a littlebit to, to connect to what that
actually is.
And I think the last thing Iwant to remind you guys is that
everybody at some point has selfsabotaging behaviors that get in
the way.
I just encourage you to Notthrow yourself in the deep end.
We always want to make change ata pace that suits our nervous
(22:00):
system.
Take things one step at a time.
Build that capacity so that wecan build that self trust.
Meaning, don't make hugepromises.
Don't over commit.
Just do things one step at atime.
Moving through self sabotagedoes require us to get real with
ourselves.
It requires some grit, itrequires us to really focus on
(22:22):
what we truly desire andcommitting to that, and also
thinking about why we desirethat.
But I think at the end of theday, remember that, you know,
we're all human, we all havethese things pop up.
If you can meet self sabotagewith compassion and curiosity,
rather than frustration, it'sgoing to be a whole lot easier
(22:43):
to move through.
Yeah, you have that awarenessthat there's always a positive
intention.
It's also going to make iteasier to move through as well.
One step at a time.
Okay, guys, that is me fortoday.
Please remember to send throughyour questions.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening.
Please take time to rate thispodcast.
If you have a minute, send it tofriends and family that you
(23:06):
think will benefit.
Have an amazing week whereveryou are and I look forward to
seeing you guys on the nextepisode.
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