May 4, 2025 • 39 mins
Hello!
In this we explore ourselves through the powerful lens of attachment styles — the unconscious patterns that shape how we connect, love, and protect ourselves in relationships. Whether you lean anxious, avoidant, secure, disorganised (or somewhere in between) your attachment style holds clues about your earliest experiences of safety, connection, and emotional needs.
We'll unpack:
- What attachment styles are and where they come from
- How they show up in adult relationships
- What it means to unlearn old patterns and build more secure patterns that impact our relationships
- How others can support us in relationship
This episode isn’t about labels — it’s about awareness, compassion, and expanding your capacity to feel safe with and with others!
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*updated code: BIANCA10
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Episode link Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/episode/4rBwrtap5fHC4izmeWgX16?si=yF8cZP9jTQmgZXIw-WEGqA
Episode link Apple - https://podcasts.apple.com/nz/podcast/ep-4-the-neuroscience-behind-getting-stuck-and/id1798134597?i=1000700782527
Contact me
bianca@neurospark.co.nz
www.neurospark.co.nz
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello, beautiful people.
(00:01):
Welcome back to Unlearn withBianca Here we talk about all
things self-healing, health,personal growth, the mind, body,
connection, relationships, andmore.
Hey friends, welcome back.
I hope everybody is having agood week so far.
It is Friday.
I know I'm recording.
Quite late in the week, and Ihaven't got this out to you guys
(00:21):
earlier, but I had a fewroadblocks.
I went to record at the start ofthe week and we lost power
during a storm and my wifi wentout and then I lost the episode
and then I got a cold.
The following few days I triedto record again and I was like
sniffling through the episodeand I was like, no, I'm not
having that.
Um, but now I'm feeling better.
So we're gonna give it anothershot and I will get this out to
(00:43):
you guys this weekend.
So before we get into today'sjuicy episode around attachment
styles, I have got a few thingsto share.
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(03:44):
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Her podcast is really aroundcareer transitions and shifts,
and I spoke to her about how Iactually stepped into this work,
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Doing what I do now.
Uh, and it was really cool toreflect on my journey actually.
Like I genuinely feel like I'mjust getting started, but it was
actually really awesome to, totake a bigger picture and see
(04:07):
how far I'd already come.
So if you're interested in that,because I often do get people
ask me about where I studied,what I do, I will put a link to
that episode in the show notes.
And I highly recommend going tocheck out Freyer's podcast'cause
I know she's got heaps of reallyvaluable, um, episodes coming
through.
Okay, let's get into the goodstuff.
Let's talk attachment styles.
(04:29):
An important topic that we arecovering today, what attachment
styles are and why.
Having an understanding aroundyour attachment style can be
really beneficial as we navigateadulthood, as we navigate
relationships, and just reallywork on that south growth.
So if we're gonna talk aboutattachment styles, we first need
(04:51):
to talk about and understandattachment theory.
Attachment theory is a frameworkdesigned by a guy called John
Baldy.
You've probably, by this point,especially listening to this
podcast, come across the ideathat our earliest years,
especially the first few yearsof our life, play a really
(05:13):
critical role in shaping how weperceive.
The world around us andourselves, but they also play a
real pivotal role.
And how we relate in ourrelationships in adult life
often without us even realizingwhen a child is born up until
the early years of their life,the brain is going wild.
(05:34):
It's forming a whole lot of newconnections between neurons and
between different.
Brain regions.
So it makes a lot of sense thatour early experiences and any
really major emotional eventswhen we are young can influence
the brain's wiring and thenlater down the track how we
interpret and filter situations.
(05:57):
Our first relationships, usuallywith our parents or main
caregivers, play a really bigrole in shaping how we
understand and the safety wehave around love and connection.
So essentially it's like theblueprint for our relationships
down the track, because when weare really young, we start to
(06:20):
create this belief system.
And start to see the worldthrough that lens.
So we start to learn, uh, whatwe think a relationship should
be like, or what is familiar interms of what we've seen a
relationship should be like,what trust and failure means.
Whether the world is a safeplace or a harsh place.
(06:42):
We also learn whether people cansupport us.
How we view ourself and ourabilities and our confidence
around that.
Now, if we don't explore ourearlier years or the beliefs we
may have picked up and thepatterns that we may be running
unconsciously, because remember,most of what we do is beyond our
(07:03):
awareness.
It's just autopilot stuff.
What can happen is as we getolder, we start to just find
relationships that.
Fit that initial blueprint wehad and really reaffirm our
beliefs about relationships andhow life should work and what
value we bring.
So when we can have awarenessaround our attachment style, or
(07:27):
perhaps how we may have attachedwhen we were younger, and see
how it's playing out in currentreality.
It gives us more agency, we canmake new choices and really
start to understand why weactually respond in certain ways
and even why we are attractingcertain people into our lives.
Now, as you listen to today'sepisode, there's a few things I
want you to keep in mind.
(07:48):
Okay?
Number one.
I want you to hear this episodeand think about these concepts
through a wiring lens, meaning,what did my brain learn?
How has my wiring been set up?
Take it away from any shamearound you or frustration around
(08:09):
caregivers, and purely do yourbest to see it from how has my
brain wide itself and my nervoussystem wired itself to stay
safe?
And what has become familiarbecause it's so easy to judge
ourself when we hear all theselabels, and that is actually the
second thing I wanna say.
(08:29):
I love a label.
Don't get me wrong, I feel likelabels, even Diagnosises, they
can be really affirming.
They can be really necessary,but I also feel that they can
get us really stuck as wellbecause then we just start to
like clump ourself into one.
I.
Label and use it as a definitivething.
Something like attachmentstyles.
(08:51):
Yes, you're probably gonnaresonate more with one
attachment style.
However, our attachment stylewas something that is learned
and it means that we canactually take steps to unlearn
it to work towards a more secureattachment, which I'll share on
in a second.
Your attachment style.
And whatever you resonate withtoday is not a live sentence,
(09:12):
okay?
It's a continuum, and I reallywant you to keep that in mind.
And the last thing that I justwanna touch on, remember that
all of my episodes on thispodcast, they're not too,
they're not a substitute fortherapy.
They're not replacing therapy.
So remember that there's so muchsupport out there if you wanna
delve into exploring theseconcepts in more detail.
(09:33):
I'm purely sharing you guysthings that I have found really
beneficial to have anunderstanding around myself.
And yeah, that's why I'mchoosing this topic today.
So there are four differentattachment styles that were
derived from, and I guess pulledfrom that original attachment
theory.
And these styles can really helpus gain an understanding, again,
(09:56):
around how our early experiencescan impact us relationally,
especially as we are moving intoadult code.
So the first one is a secureattachment style.
So people that have a secureattachment style often had
caregivers or parents who weremostly consistent, loving and
(10:18):
responsive to their needs, andnotice.
I say mostly because we knowthat it's impossible to be like
that 24 7, but it's more thisconsistency that was present
around having their needs metand um, having a really loving
environment.
If a child was upset or scared,somebody would usually comfort
(10:44):
them, and the parental caregiverwould often encourage a sense of
independence, so allow the childto explore and do things, but
always be available when theywere needed.
Another thing that's reallyimportant to talk on when we are
talking about secure attachment.
If the parent of the child madea mistake or they lashed out or
(11:05):
something happened, uh, theywould repair the bond.
Maybe that's by talking thingsthrough, maybe it's by sitting
down and explaining orapologizing.
So again, it's in that repairpiece that's really important.
So when mistakes happen, therewas.
There was an effort for repair,so you can kind of get a gist of
(11:25):
that childhood.
It's having a safe caregiver,having lots of room for ex
exploration, but having thatconsistent love and through that
environment, the child thenbegins to learn these internal
beliefs that guide them throughlife.
That is based on the world beinga safe place.
(11:48):
Maybe a belief around mostpeople are good people or kind
people until proven otherwise.
Uh, they're likely to learnbeliefs like I am worthy and my
needs are valid.
And as you can hear, these aresome really supportive life
enhancing beliefs.
So if you resonate with theseand you're like, oh yeah, I feel
(12:10):
like I may have a secureattachment based on what you've
said so far, I really want youto.
Just take a moment to appreciatethat you've had that experience,
because a lot of people do nothave that safety and that
grounding and have to work toreally shift into these
supportive beliefs and buildtheir self-esteem.
(12:32):
So I think secure.
People.
People that have a secureattachment have a step ahead.
I would say relationally as theymove into adulthood.
Not to say other people can'tget there, but I really want to
emphasize this is not a givenfor everyone.
So how having a secureattachment then begins to look
(12:53):
as we approach adulthood, peoplewith a secure attachment feel
safe, getting close to others,but also comfortable being
alone.
They can express their needs andtheir feelings really clearly
without too much guilt, without,um, doubting themselves.
And they trust people, but theyaren't overly dependent on
(13:17):
people.
So I've said this a few times inother podcasts, um, this balance
between Codependence and reallybeing influenced by everyone
else's states and how they'refeeling and being dragged around
by that.
And then on the opposite end ofthe spectrum is in hyper
independence, where it's like, Imust do everything alone.
(13:39):
I can't rely on people, I can'ttrust people.
This is that good balance, thatsecure people tend to find
easier, they form healthybalance relationships with good
boundaries.
And if they are anxious or ifthey're feeling a lot of
anxiety, they have.
Skills to self-soothe fromearlier years.
(14:02):
Certain parts of their brain areactually more wired together to
make that self-soothing a loteasier.
That pathway really strong.
The other thing that isimportant to note is that
securely attached people aregenerally in relationship with.
People that are also moresecurely attached, it also means
(14:24):
when they're raising childrenthat they can model those.
That safety and that love, andthey tend to kind of repeat the
cycle in that sense.
And that's why actually on thatpoint, that's why they often say
when you change internally, thepeople that you attract into
your life are different.
'cause if you are somebody whoworks on becoming more securely
(14:44):
attached, you're going to beless attracted to an avoidant
and less attracted to someonewho's more anxiously attached.
Which we'll talk on Zoom.
It's just not gonna have thesame like hit and draw in as
perhaps it may have in the past.
Oh, and one more thing I wouldsay with securely attached in
relationships, they're able totalk and communicate in nuances.
(15:09):
Meaning if they went through abreakup or there was a situation
from the past, they'd be able tolook at that from different
perspectives and find somenuances within that situation.
Rather than like a blanketstatement of, um, it was all my
ex's fault.
It was the toxic behavior or theopposite, seeing something in
(15:29):
rose tinted glasses and notseeing the reality of a
situation I.
Someone who is more securelyattached will be able to look
back and communicate againthrough nuances and differing
perspectives.
So ideally, we do all want to beworking towards having and
developing more securelyattached behaviors and habits
(15:50):
because that is the benchmarkfor safety security.
Love within, and that will bereflected in the relationship we
have with ourself and also therelationships that are in our
life, our family, our friends,romantic partners.
So it's something that we canall take steps towards having.
Is that more secure attachmentstyle?
(16:12):
Of course, for some people it'sgoing to take more work, more
patience, more time.
But today's episode, I reallywanna highlight just the
different attachment styles soyou can start to understand what
you need to work on withinfirst.
Okay, so the next attachmentstyle is the anxious attachment
style.
Somebody who may have an anxiousattachment style, it is likely
(16:37):
that they grew up knowing thatthere was love around them and
they probably had warmcaregivers and were shown love
and warmth.
However, it may have beeninconsistent.
So caregivers may have beeninconsistent, sometimes loving
and available, and other timesmaybe they were distant, maybe
(17:00):
they were overwhelmed with lifestresses.
Perhaps they were working a lot.
And on that point, let's justnot forget that.
Every parent, everyone is doingthe best they can given the
time, given the resources theyhave.
This isn't about blame, it'sjust about understanding and
thinking like what may havehappened for me and my
(17:20):
upbringing as well, so that wecan heal our own patterns and
not repeat them.
Children that develop into moreof an anxious attachment could
have also been really familiarwith having conditional love,
so.
They learn to gain thatvalidation and love for things
that they do, not who theyactually are.
(17:41):
So they learn that belief ofrather than.
I'm loved for who I am.
Innately I'm only loved when Ido well, or I'm only loved when
I'm perfect at this.
And therefore, again, it's like,not that the love isn't there,
it's there.
It just gets taken off them.
And it's dependent on certainsituations and circumstances so
(18:03):
that child learns that loveisn't always guaranteed.
Therefore, they're more likelyto stay on high alert and their
nervous system is more likely togear towards.
Being in hypervigilance to tryand keep that love, this kind of
conditional love can actuallyhave a really big impact on us
as we get older.
Um,'cause you've gotta think ofit like as the child, you know,
(18:25):
the child had.
When they were younger, learn toamplify their emotions to get
their needs met.
That's a natural thing that thechild does.
They cry louder, they behavebetter, they try harder, and
then maybe they'll get theparent's attention.
It has that same play out whenwe get into our adult adult
years.
Like you, you're trying harder.
You are pushing harder.
(18:45):
You're trying to get someone'sattention.
The other type of play out thatmay have been occurring for
someone to be more anxiouslyattached, they may have had a
helicopter pyramid.
One that really guarded themfrom failing.
One that maybe thought they hadthe child's best interest, but
they really protected them andguarded them, didn't want them
to make mistakes, didn't givethem the freedom to make
(19:07):
mistakes, and therefore thatchild has never had the same.
Level of autonomy orindependence that a securely
attached person had to makemistakes and then come back and,
you know, meet the care, theloving caregiver.
So I'm wondering, as ahelicopter parent doesn't have
that opportunity to really, tolike see their own skills, their
(19:29):
own abilities to get back, backup again, learn that resilience.
So that's another, um, perhapsprecursor and way that someone
could develop a more anxiouslyattached style.
So the beliefs that moreanxiously attached children may
start to learn often around.
Being excluded or abandoned orbeing alone.
(19:51):
So the fear of I will beabandoned or it will be taken
away from me just sort ofreflecting the pattern when they
were younger with, you know,sometimes warm, sometimes not
fear of being excluded.
It's also common for them tohave a filter or a belief around
love needing to be earned orchased.
(20:12):
As I said, if they had to dothat in a parent child dynamic,
then it starts to feel reallyfamiliar.
And to our nervous system as westart to navigate these more
adult relationships.
And that is why you may haveheard before, but it's really
common for people that are moreanxiously attached and really
(20:34):
fear people leaving.
They get attached to thatavoidant type, which actually.
Does the stonewalling puts theirwall up and it's that push pull
between avoidant and anxiousthat feels, it kind of fuels the
fire.
Like it feels really familiarfor both of those attachment
styles.
I'm thinking about it from areal hormonal, uh, activation
(20:56):
lens and what goes on in ourphysiology.
It is almost addictive.
I can so see how that play out.
That dynamic would continueuntil either person recognizes
that dynamic and starts workingon, uh, more secure habits
within themself.
So how this attachment stylebegins to show up as we get
(21:16):
older?
Well, first of all, it's not allnegative, like I want to say
that.
Someone with more of an anxiousattachment.
They likely have a superpower ofempathy of hypersensitivity to
other people's needs.
Being able to read cues reallywell, emotional cues, emotions,
(21:37):
but of course there are somedownsides as well, or some
things that might get them a bitstuck.
This constant need forreassurance in relationships.
And if somebody in therelationship pulls away, then
that is when the anxiouslyattached, get triggered and they
want to cling on more.
(21:57):
So again, it's that push pull.
There could be that cycle ofoverthinking and people
pleasing, like putting anotherperson's needs higher than your
own, and therefore losingyourself in the process due to
that fear of being abandoned orbeing too much.
And that can also result innaturally someone holding back
(22:18):
their own needs and desires, ornot putting in boundaries
because you become scared ofbeing rejected and then again
abandoned.
So that fear would be.
Running underneath.
But then what happens if wedon't put in boundaries?
If we don't share how we trulyfeel, if we don't, um, allow our
desires to be heard, resentmentcan build and then that can come
(22:41):
out in a burst of emotion thatthen feels o overwhelming to the
other person anyway.
So it's a bit of a cycleanxiously attached.
Also might have difficulttrusting that love is actually
stable and that someone won'tleave and they might have more
emotional highs and lows.
Based on how connected theyfeel.
(23:02):
Like, for example, if a friendsees, oh, I'm just busy tonight.
The anxiously attached brain maygo, oh, are they pulling away?
Are they mad?
Did I do something wrong?
You start overanalyzing themessage and replaying a
conversation in your head, andthat's those emotional highs and
lows.
It's the high arousal of thatsort of up and down.
(23:24):
It's also the same with like adating situation or a romantic
situation.
You're probably leaning a littlebit more anxiously attached if
the person doesn't reply in afew minutes and then you do like
a two page novel.
I mean, look, I'm sure we've alldone something similar to a
degree before in the heat of themoment or when emotions are
high, but it's that kind of fearof, um, abandonment that really
(23:49):
can rule these underlyingcommunications to really round
it out.
How I see it is that theanxiously attached.
Person's nervous system issoothed through, that's a tongue
twister.
Their nervous system is soothedthrough other people, meaning as
soon as they feel discomfortwithin, they're going to reach
(24:09):
outside of themselves and tryand get someone else to, to
reassure them or somethingsimilar.
And that then soothes theirnervous system and they get back
into that rested state again.
So that might work for a while,but eventually that becomes
quite exhausting.
And we do run into some issuesalong the way, so what the
(24:30):
anxiously attached can work onwithin, I would say it's all
about building that self-worthand that independence within
themselves, not grasping atexternal validation first,
before trying to find thatself-worth within.
It could be breaking thatcircuit and that urge to reach
out and send that person thatlong text message.
(24:53):
Trying to get more clarity.
Asking yourself internally, whatam I seeking by doing this?
What am I looking for them to doto soothe me by doing this, by
taking this action and beforedoing it automatically it might
be I.
Thinking about how can I givethat to myself so that feeling
(25:16):
might be, I want clarity.
That feeling might be, I wantreassurance.
Ooh, how can I give reassuranceto myself?
That feeling might be, I wantcertainty.
Okay, how can I make somethingcertain for myself?
What can I do to help myselfcreate certainty.
So that is something to keep inmind, and with that practice
you're learning to self-sootheinstead of that constant
(25:39):
reassurance from other people.
Also practicing.
Secure communication.
So really learning and findingways to use your voice to share
your needs calmly and clearly,and setting boundaries with
other people, but also reallyimportantly, setting boundaries
within and finding thatcontainment within.
(26:00):
So asking yourself, what, whatare my needs?
What are my limits?
'cause that's not something thatwe always ask ourselves or we
don't do it enough.
What drains me currently, whatnourishes me currently, what
behaviors currently make me feelsafe and what make me feel
unsafe and overwhelming?
(26:20):
So we can really work on thoseinternal boundaries within,
before even having to thinkabout how to set external
boundaries.
A few other things just comingto mind to create some space for
the anxiously attached.
It might be around challengingthose habitual thoughts of like,
they don't care.
They haven't replied, sosomething must be wrong.
And just thinking what elsecould be true?
(26:43):
What is something else that maybe true that I am unaware of
yet?
And if you're someone who's in arelationship with an anxiously
attached, I think the key isconsistency helps their nervous
system being reliable helpstheir nervous system.
Having that real, um.
(27:03):
It's a word I look initiatoryenergy like taking.
The lead actually, um, givingthat certainty to them.
I think that's also reallyhealing for an anxiously
attached.
They are big green flags.
We can do the work internally.
We can all do the workinternally, but it's also
important to remember that weare communal, relational beings
(27:24):
and other people can alsosupport us to heal and grow as
well.
Also people supporting anxiouslyattached.
Show your love throughconsistent actions.
'cause consistent actions breedsthat feeling of consistency and
reliability.
And remember that often actionsdo speak louder than words.
All right, next up on our list,we have the.
(27:46):
Third attachment style, which isthe avoidant attachment.
Somebody may lean towards beingmore avoidantly attached if they
grew up with a caregiver or aparent who was more emotionally
unavailable, maybe a caregiverwho was dismissive of their
child's emotions.
I.
Or shaming them for emotionalexpression.
So over time, of course, thatchild naturally starts to become
(28:09):
self-sufficient emotionallybecause that's what is rewarded
and that can lead to themsuppressing their own needs and
relying only on themselvescreating this distance,
emotional, physical, as asurvival strategy.
And unconsciously, as they startto get older, they start
rejecting.
(28:30):
The one thing that they wantedthe most in childhood, which is
love and acceptance andcloseness.
So it's a really interestingone, and it makes sense as I'm
talking through it.
What kind of beliefs that theywould learn, beliefs of?
Um, if I open up, I'll be letdown.
I can't rely on anyone becauseothers have already lit me down.
(28:55):
This fear around losing controlor being engulfed or smothered
by somebody else's emotions,'cause that would feel like too
much perhaps a fear aroundappearing weak.
and it's said that avoidantattachment styles often come
with like a level of shame.
Like, there must be somethingwrong with me or I am not
(29:16):
enough.
So how that actually shows up aswe move through life and get
older, there's struggles withemotional closeness and
intimacy.
When someone gets closer, theavoidant might naturally pull
away more or be at their limit.
They value independence aboveconnection, and in fact, it
(29:39):
might feel like connection is athreat to their own space and
independence, and thisunderlying belief that's being
reiterated and affirmedconstantly of.
I told you so.
So if someone lets them down,it's like, oh, I told you so.
Like, I knew that person wasgonna leave, or, um, I knew that
was gonna happen.
I knew that I couldn't rely onyou or trust you.
(30:00):
So it's reaffirming that beliefof like, there's something wrong
with me, or I will be let down,or I can't rely on anyone.
The avoidant might seem morenaturally cold and detached, but
actually they're justoverwhelmed.
Uh, by others' emotions and pullaway naturally when things get
(30:21):
too emotionally and intense.
So they push people away toavoid being hurt, but actually
end up feeling alone and hurtanyway.
Again, a cycle, and it's not onethat's happening at a conscious
level, it's a, again, a safetynervous system response.
So if someone finds themselfmore avoidantly attached, rather
(30:42):
than practice theirindependence.
That the anxiously attachedneeds to do.
It's actually quite theopposite, so.
Could work on instead, allowingspace for more vulnerability in
really small, safe ways.
So not, not like wearing yourheart on your sleeve, but just
practicing vulnerability andopenness in really small ways.
(31:05):
And anything that reconnects andavoidantly attached with their
feelings.
So anything expressive could bejournaling.
It could be some form ofmovement.
It could be actually justrecognizing feelings and putting
a label to them.
That can really help.
And just challenging narrativesof like, they don't really care.
(31:28):
And again, it's asking, is thisreally true?
Or could there be something elsethat I can think instead that
would be more supportive?
I also think a huge step in theright direction is learning to
sit with and tolerate thatdiscomfort before wanting to
shut down or remove yourself andjust building that capacity bit
by bit because.
(31:48):
Eventually you'll be able tocommunicate in the discomfort.
But yeah, really being with thatdiscomfort and having tools to
sit through that discomfort, Ithink would help a lot.
I'm just thinking off the top ofmy head here, guys, but, uh,
that's what makes sense to me.
And actually, I will say itmakes sense to me because even
though I resonate the most withsecurely attached, I tend to
(32:08):
under stress.
Tip into avoidant tendenciessometimes.
I've had a few aha moments andunlocks recently around what
this may be.
A reflex from, and what I gainthrough doing this, and I keep
it real with you guys, like weare all a work in progress.
(32:29):
But I also wanna say thatbecause if you do resonate with
like, let's say secure, butyou're like, oh, sometimes I'm
anxious, sometimes I'm moreavoidant, that's pretty normal
as well.
It's just having that awarenessand understanding where it
actually is making.
Things harder in relationshipsand where we can work on our
communication and creating thatsafety with them.
(32:50):
So how you can support someonewho leans towards being more
avoidantly attached.
I would say number one,feedback.
Ideally positive, not nagging,not, you don't do this, you
don't do this because thatavoidant is going to reaffirm
the belief that they're notenough and it's not gonna result
in anything beneficial.
So really gentle feedback thatis supportive, that is, um,
(33:13):
encouraging someone and whatthey are doing so far rather
than what they're not doing.
I would say that avoidance aremore likely to respond to people
that are warm, that are curious,that are engaging.
But not too intense.
Someone that will go slow.
That is a green flag.
Patience and consistency andrespecting their need for space,
(33:36):
reminding them that you arethere and being solid in that
respect, I think that reallyhelps the avoidantly attached.
Find safety.
And go through their own processat the same time.
And a nice short quote that Ifound somewhere for my
avoidantly attached out therejust to sit on, just to reflect
(33:56):
on letting someone in feelsrisky, but keeping everyone out
is lonelier.
So remember that the big love,the big connections, the safety,
the friendships, everything thatall requires us to take risks
and to be vulnerable, and thatis where true connection can be
(34:16):
formed.
Finally, the last attachmentstyle of today is the
disorganized or the fearfulavoidant attachment style.
This one, although not superuncommon, I think it's still
around 10 to 15% is the one thatrequires most support to move
through because disorganizedattachment is formed when
(34:40):
parents and caregivers havegiven really confusing
conflicting signals.
So they may have been a sourceof comfort and of fear at the
same time.
And this creates a really deepinner conflict in a child
because.
They want this person to comeclose, but it feels unsafe, but
so does being alone.
That also feels unsafe.
(35:02):
So the caregiver might be lovingin one moment and then yelling
or shouting or threatening thenext, and the child never knows
what version of the caregiverare going to get any one time.
The internal dialogue is like, Iwant to go to you, but I'm
scared of you.
So it's very confusing.
This type of attachment can beassociated with parents and
(35:25):
caregivers who were, uh,dissociated, emotionally numb,
depressed, perhaps drugs,addictions, uh, and that kind of
thing.
And the child can also becomethe emotional caretaker or be
left to really manage.
These intense situations alone.
So the belief that could belearned and reinforced over time
(35:47):
is that love is dangerous.
My feelings make people angry,or my feelings make people
abandon me.
Um, I can't trust others.
I can't trust myself.
Getting close feels dangerous,but being alone also feels
terrifying.
Love equals pain.
And I have to hide parts ofmyself to stay safe.
(36:12):
So as you can see, and as youcan imagine, this creates this
real push and pull dynamics andrelationships down the track
because of course they arecraving connection, but they
also fear abandonment andbetrayal, so they self-sabotage
when someone gets too closebecause they suddenly
withdrawal.
After intimacy.
So it's that push pull dynamicand how else it shows up in
(36:35):
these adult relationships.
Really finding it hard toregulate emotions and trust
others and feeling really unsafein relationships.
And I actually heard anotherpodcast, someone talking about
this.
They actually said that a lot ofpeople who are this attachment
style are that overcompensate.
The really high achievers thatreally throw themselves into
(36:57):
things that.
Make them avoid, um, naturally,of course dealing with these
patterns that come up.
But they are often the peoplethat you would see as being the
overcompensate, the highachievers, the hard workers,
probably avoiding theserelational type issues coming to
the surface.
Anyone who really relates tothis attachment style would
(37:17):
benefit from therapeutic supportand building that.
Safety and connection withsomebody over the long term
through therapy and creatingreally safe and predictable
routines in daily life and inrelationships, because that
starts to build a foundation ofsafety, even before exploring
relationships and to supportpeople that are moving through
(37:40):
this attachment style.
I would say a lot of patientsbeing really gentle, being
really clear.
And consistency again for all ofthis, it's a lot of it is
consistency and celebratingthose small steps of openness
and trust.
Really celebrating that and nottaking any pushback to heart, I
would say is an important thingto remember.
(38:03):
The main thing I want you guysto take away from this episode,
especially if you didn't relatewith having a secure attachment
style, is that you can becomemore of the secure base you
didn't have, and that is throughcompassion.
That is through honesty of yourpatterns and what you need to
work on through boundaries.
Through showing up for yourselfconsistently.
(38:24):
Because when we consistentlymake new choices and wire in a
new emotion, that is how thebrain and the nervous system
learn a new pathway, learn a newskill, and it also happens
through co-regulation, meaning.
Through other people.
Our, we are relational beings,right?
We need to learn and healthrough other people.
(38:45):
So having those on honestconversations in our
relationships about what we areworking through still and what
patterns we have can be reallyhealing and finding those safe
people, those people that.
Uh, naturally securely attachedand will remind you of your
worth, what you deserve, and howamazing you are.
That can all help with thehealing too.
(39:07):
The more that you meet your ownneeds with presence, the less
you have to chase and avoid themthrough others.
So when we work on being asecure base in ourself, AKA self
sourced.
It enhances all of ourrelationships and we can have
that solid foundation within aswell.
(39:27):
Okay, beautiful people.
I hope that you took somethingfrom today's episode.
Uh, it was meant to be a shortone, but as per usual Bianca
styles, I think this is gonnaend up being a long one.
Um, I hope I got some reallyimportant concepts across to you
guys and you have more awarenessaround yourself and how that may
be showing up in relationships.
(39:49):
Have a stunning week ahead and Ilook forward to seeing you on
the next episode.
Hello, beautiful people.
(00:01):
Welcome back to Unlearn withBianca Here we talk about all
things self-healing, health,personal growth, the mind, body,
connection, relationships, andmore.
Hey friends, welcome back.
I hope everybody is having agood week so far.
It is Friday.
I know I'm recording.
Quite late in the week, and Ihaven't got this out to you guys
(00:21):
earlier, but I had a fewroadblocks.
I went to record at the start ofthe week and we lost power
during a storm and my wifi wentout and then I lost the episode
and then I got a cold.
The following few days I triedto record again and I was like
sniffling through the episodeand I was like, no, I'm not
having that.
Um, but now I'm feeling better.
So we're gonna give it anothershot and I will get this out to
(00:43):
you guys this weekend.
So before we get into today'sjuicy episode around attachment
styles, I have got a few thingsto share.
First of all, I have a smallgift for my longtime followers
and my new followers.
Those who know me in real life,my friends, my family, even my
clients, they will know that Iam obsessed with Mitchell's
(01:07):
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(01:55):
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(02:18):
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(02:39):
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then it's a little bitfrustrating because you can't go
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Oh, and the other thing I wantedto share with you.
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and brain fog.
She also has since launched herpodcast.
(03:44):
The Good Shift.
Her podcast is really aroundcareer transitions and shifts,
and I spoke to her about how Iactually stepped into this work,
how I moved from like afull-time job into.
Doing what I do now.
Uh, and it was really cool toreflect on my journey actually.
Like I genuinely feel like I'mjust getting started, but it was
actually really awesome to, totake a bigger picture and see
(04:07):
how far I'd already come.
So if you're interested in that,because I often do get people
ask me about where I studied,what I do, I will put a link to
that episode in the show notes.
And I highly recommend going tocheck out Freyer's podcast'cause
I know she's got heaps of reallyvaluable, um, episodes coming
through.
Okay, let's get into the goodstuff.
Let's talk attachment styles.
(04:29):
An important topic that we arecovering today, what attachment
styles are and why.
Having an understanding aroundyour attachment style can be
really beneficial as we navigateadulthood, as we navigate
relationships, and just reallywork on that south growth.
So if we're gonna talk aboutattachment styles, we first need
(04:51):
to talk about and understandattachment theory.
Attachment theory is a frameworkdesigned by a guy called John
Baldy.
You've probably, by this point,especially listening to this
podcast, come across the ideathat our earliest years,
especially the first few yearsof our life, play a really
(05:13):
critical role in shaping how weperceive.
The world around us andourselves, but they also play a
real pivotal role.
And how we relate in ourrelationships in adult life
often without us even realizingwhen a child is born up until
the early years of their life,the brain is going wild.
(05:34):
It's forming a whole lot of newconnections between neurons and
between different.
Brain regions.
So it makes a lot of sense thatour early experiences and any
really major emotional eventswhen we are young can influence
the brain's wiring and thenlater down the track how we
interpret and filter situations.
(05:57):
Our first relationships, usuallywith our parents or main
caregivers, play a really bigrole in shaping how we
understand and the safety wehave around love and connection.
So essentially it's like theblueprint for our relationships
down the track, because when weare really young, we start to
(06:20):
create this belief system.
And start to see the worldthrough that lens.
So we start to learn, uh, whatwe think a relationship should
be like, or what is familiar interms of what we've seen a
relationship should be like,what trust and failure means.
Whether the world is a safeplace or a harsh place.
(06:42):
We also learn whether people cansupport us.
How we view ourself and ourabilities and our confidence
around that.
Now, if we don't explore ourearlier years or the beliefs we
may have picked up and thepatterns that we may be running
unconsciously, because remember,most of what we do is beyond our
(07:03):
awareness.
It's just autopilot stuff.
What can happen is as we getolder, we start to just find
relationships that.
Fit that initial blueprint wehad and really reaffirm our
beliefs about relationships andhow life should work and what
value we bring.
So when we can have awarenessaround our attachment style, or
(07:27):
perhaps how we may have attachedwhen we were younger, and see
how it's playing out in currentreality.
It gives us more agency, we canmake new choices and really
start to understand why weactually respond in certain ways
and even why we are attractingcertain people into our lives.
Now, as you listen to today'sepisode, there's a few things I
want you to keep in mind.
(07:48):
Okay?
Number one.
I want you to hear this episodeand think about these concepts
through a wiring lens, meaning,what did my brain learn?
How has my wiring been set up?
Take it away from any shamearound you or frustration around
(08:09):
caregivers, and purely do yourbest to see it from how has my
brain wide itself and my nervoussystem wired itself to stay
safe?
And what has become familiarbecause it's so easy to judge
ourself when we hear all theselabels, and that is actually the
second thing I wanna say.
(08:29):
I love a label.
Don't get me wrong, I feel likelabels, even Diagnosises, they
can be really affirming.
They can be really necessary,but I also feel that they can
get us really stuck as wellbecause then we just start to
like clump ourself into one.
I.
Label and use it as a definitivething.
Something like attachmentstyles.
(08:51):
Yes, you're probably gonnaresonate more with one
attachment style.
However, our attachment stylewas something that is learned
and it means that we canactually take steps to unlearn
it to work towards a more secureattachment, which I'll share on
in a second.
Your attachment style.
And whatever you resonate withtoday is not a live sentence,
(09:12):
okay?
It's a continuum, and I reallywant you to keep that in mind.
And the last thing that I justwanna touch on, remember that
all of my episodes on thispodcast, they're not too,
they're not a substitute fortherapy.
They're not replacing therapy.
So remember that there's so muchsupport out there if you wanna
delve into exploring theseconcepts in more detail.
(09:33):
I'm purely sharing you guysthings that I have found really
beneficial to have anunderstanding around myself.
And yeah, that's why I'mchoosing this topic today.
So there are four differentattachment styles that were
derived from, and I guess pulledfrom that original attachment
theory.
And these styles can really helpus gain an understanding, again,
(09:56):
around how our early experiencescan impact us relationally,
especially as we are moving intoadult code.
So the first one is a secureattachment style.
So people that have a secureattachment style often had
caregivers or parents who weremostly consistent, loving and
(10:18):
responsive to their needs, andnotice.
I say mostly because we knowthat it's impossible to be like
that 24 7, but it's more thisconsistency that was present
around having their needs metand um, having a really loving
environment.
If a child was upset or scared,somebody would usually comfort
(10:44):
them, and the parental caregiverwould often encourage a sense of
independence, so allow the childto explore and do things, but
always be available when theywere needed.
Another thing that's reallyimportant to talk on when we are
talking about secure attachment.
If the parent of the child madea mistake or they lashed out or
(11:05):
something happened, uh, theywould repair the bond.
Maybe that's by talking thingsthrough, maybe it's by sitting
down and explaining orapologizing.
So again, it's in that repairpiece that's really important.
So when mistakes happen, therewas.
There was an effort for repair,so you can kind of get a gist of
(11:25):
that childhood.
It's having a safe caregiver,having lots of room for ex
exploration, but having thatconsistent love and through that
environment, the child thenbegins to learn these internal
beliefs that guide them throughlife.
That is based on the world beinga safe place.
(11:48):
Maybe a belief around mostpeople are good people or kind
people until proven otherwise.
Uh, they're likely to learnbeliefs like I am worthy and my
needs are valid.
And as you can hear, these aresome really supportive life
enhancing beliefs.
So if you resonate with theseand you're like, oh yeah, I feel
(12:10):
like I may have a secureattachment based on what you've
said so far, I really want youto.
Just take a moment to appreciatethat you've had that experience,
because a lot of people do nothave that safety and that
grounding and have to work toreally shift into these
supportive beliefs and buildtheir self-esteem.
(12:32):
So I think secure.
People.
People that have a secureattachment have a step ahead.
I would say relationally as theymove into adulthood.
Not to say other people can'tget there, but I really want to
emphasize this is not a givenfor everyone.
So how having a secureattachment then begins to look
(12:53):
as we approach adulthood, peoplewith a secure attachment feel
safe, getting close to others,but also comfortable being
alone.
They can express their needs andtheir feelings really clearly
without too much guilt, without,um, doubting themselves.
And they trust people, but theyaren't overly dependent on
(13:17):
people.
So I've said this a few times inother podcasts, um, this balance
between Codependence and reallybeing influenced by everyone
else's states and how they'refeeling and being dragged around
by that.
And then on the opposite end ofthe spectrum is in hyper
independence, where it's like, Imust do everything alone.
(13:39):
I can't rely on people, I can'ttrust people.
This is that good balance, thatsecure people tend to find
easier, they form healthybalance relationships with good
boundaries.
And if they are anxious or ifthey're feeling a lot of
anxiety, they have.
Skills to self-soothe fromearlier years.
(14:02):
Certain parts of their brain areactually more wired together to
make that self-soothing a loteasier.
That pathway really strong.
The other thing that isimportant to note is that
securely attached people aregenerally in relationship with.
People that are also moresecurely attached, it also means
(14:24):
when they're raising childrenthat they can model those.
That safety and that love, andthey tend to kind of repeat the
cycle in that sense.
And that's why actually on thatpoint, that's why they often say
when you change internally, thepeople that you attract into
your life are different.
'cause if you are somebody whoworks on becoming more securely
(14:44):
attached, you're going to beless attracted to an avoidant
and less attracted to someonewho's more anxiously attached.
Which we'll talk on Zoom.
It's just not gonna have thesame like hit and draw in as
perhaps it may have in the past.
Oh, and one more thing I wouldsay with securely attached in
relationships, they're able totalk and communicate in nuances.
(15:09):
Meaning if they went through abreakup or there was a situation
from the past, they'd be able tolook at that from different
perspectives and find somenuances within that situation.
Rather than like a blanketstatement of, um, it was all my
ex's fault.
It was the toxic behavior or theopposite, seeing something in
(15:29):
rose tinted glasses and notseeing the reality of a
situation I.
Someone who is more securelyattached will be able to look
back and communicate againthrough nuances and differing
perspectives.
So ideally, we do all want to beworking towards having and
developing more securelyattached behaviors and habits
(15:50):
because that is the benchmarkfor safety security.
Love within, and that will bereflected in the relationship we
have with ourself and also therelationships that are in our
life, our family, our friends,romantic partners.
So it's something that we canall take steps towards having.
Is that more secure attachmentstyle?
(16:12):
Of course, for some people it'sgoing to take more work, more
patience, more time.
But today's episode, I reallywanna highlight just the
different attachment styles soyou can start to understand what
you need to work on withinfirst.
Okay, so the next attachmentstyle is the anxious attachment
style.
Somebody who may have an anxiousattachment style, it is likely
(16:37):
that they grew up knowing thatthere was love around them and
they probably had warmcaregivers and were shown love
and warmth.
However, it may have beeninconsistent.
So caregivers may have beeninconsistent, sometimes loving
and available, and other timesmaybe they were distant, maybe
(17:00):
they were overwhelmed with lifestresses.
Perhaps they were working a lot.
And on that point, let's justnot forget that.
Every parent, everyone is doingthe best they can given the
time, given the resources theyhave.
This isn't about blame, it'sjust about understanding and
thinking like what may havehappened for me and my
(17:20):
upbringing as well, so that wecan heal our own patterns and
not repeat them.
Children that develop into moreof an anxious attachment could
have also been really familiarwith having conditional love,
so.
They learn to gain thatvalidation and love for things
that they do, not who theyactually are.
(17:41):
So they learn that belief ofrather than.
I'm loved for who I am.
Innately I'm only loved when Ido well, or I'm only loved when
I'm perfect at this.
And therefore, again, it's like,not that the love isn't there,
it's there.
It just gets taken off them.
And it's dependent on certainsituations and circumstances so
(18:03):
that child learns that loveisn't always guaranteed.
Therefore, they're more likelyto stay on high alert and their
nervous system is more likely togear towards.
Being in hypervigilance to tryand keep that love, this kind of
conditional love can actuallyhave a really big impact on us
as we get older.
Um,'cause you've gotta think ofit like as the child, you know,
(18:25):
the child had.
When they were younger, learn toamplify their emotions to get
their needs met.
That's a natural thing that thechild does.
They cry louder, they behavebetter, they try harder, and
then maybe they'll get theparent's attention.
It has that same play out whenwe get into our adult adult
years.
Like you, you're trying harder.
You are pushing harder.
(18:45):
You're trying to get someone'sattention.
The other type of play out thatmay have been occurring for
someone to be more anxiouslyattached, they may have had a
helicopter pyramid.
One that really guarded themfrom failing.
One that maybe thought they hadthe child's best interest, but
they really protected them andguarded them, didn't want them
to make mistakes, didn't givethem the freedom to make
(19:07):
mistakes, and therefore thatchild has never had the same.
Level of autonomy orindependence that a securely
attached person had to makemistakes and then come back and,
you know, meet the care, theloving caregiver.
So I'm wondering, as ahelicopter parent doesn't have
that opportunity to really, tolike see their own skills, their
(19:29):
own abilities to get back, backup again, learn that resilience.
So that's another, um, perhapsprecursor and way that someone
could develop a more anxiouslyattached style.
So the beliefs that moreanxiously attached children may
start to learn often around.
Being excluded or abandoned orbeing alone.
(19:51):
So the fear of I will beabandoned or it will be taken
away from me just sort ofreflecting the pattern when they
were younger with, you know,sometimes warm, sometimes not
fear of being excluded.
It's also common for them tohave a filter or a belief around
love needing to be earned orchased.
(20:12):
As I said, if they had to dothat in a parent child dynamic,
then it starts to feel reallyfamiliar.
And to our nervous system as westart to navigate these more
adult relationships.
And that is why you may haveheard before, but it's really
common for people that are moreanxiously attached and really
(20:34):
fear people leaving.
They get attached to thatavoidant type, which actually.
Does the stonewalling puts theirwall up and it's that push pull
between avoidant and anxiousthat feels, it kind of fuels the
fire.
Like it feels really familiarfor both of those attachment
styles.
I'm thinking about it from areal hormonal, uh, activation
(20:56):
lens and what goes on in ourphysiology.
It is almost addictive.
I can so see how that play out.
That dynamic would continueuntil either person recognizes
that dynamic and starts workingon, uh, more secure habits
within themself.
So how this attachment stylebegins to show up as we get
(21:16):
older?
Well, first of all, it's not allnegative, like I want to say
that.
Someone with more of an anxiousattachment.
They likely have a superpower ofempathy of hypersensitivity to
other people's needs.
Being able to read cues reallywell, emotional cues, emotions,
(21:37):
but of course there are somedownsides as well, or some
things that might get them a bitstuck.
This constant need forreassurance in relationships.
And if somebody in therelationship pulls away, then
that is when the anxiouslyattached, get triggered and they
want to cling on more.
(21:57):
So again, it's that push pull.
There could be that cycle ofoverthinking and people
pleasing, like putting anotherperson's needs higher than your
own, and therefore losingyourself in the process due to
that fear of being abandoned orbeing too much.
And that can also result innaturally someone holding back
(22:18):
their own needs and desires, ornot putting in boundaries
because you become scared ofbeing rejected and then again
abandoned.
So that fear would be.
Running underneath.
But then what happens if wedon't put in boundaries?
If we don't share how we trulyfeel, if we don't, um, allow our
desires to be heard, resentmentcan build and then that can come
(22:41):
out in a burst of emotion thatthen feels o overwhelming to the
other person anyway.
So it's a bit of a cycleanxiously attached.
Also might have difficulttrusting that love is actually
stable and that someone won'tleave and they might have more
emotional highs and lows.
Based on how connected theyfeel.
(23:02):
Like, for example, if a friendsees, oh, I'm just busy tonight.
The anxiously attached brain maygo, oh, are they pulling away?
Are they mad?
Did I do something wrong?
You start overanalyzing themessage and replaying a
conversation in your head, andthat's those emotional highs and
lows.
It's the high arousal of thatsort of up and down.
(23:24):
It's also the same with like adating situation or a romantic
situation.
You're probably leaning a littlebit more anxiously attached if
the person doesn't reply in afew minutes and then you do like
a two page novel.
I mean, look, I'm sure we've alldone something similar to a
degree before in the heat of themoment or when emotions are
high, but it's that kind of fearof, um, abandonment that really
(23:49):
can rule these underlyingcommunications to really round
it out.
How I see it is that theanxiously attached.
Person's nervous system issoothed through, that's a tongue
twister.
Their nervous system is soothedthrough other people, meaning as
soon as they feel discomfortwithin, they're going to reach
(24:09):
outside of themselves and tryand get someone else to, to
reassure them or somethingsimilar.
And that then soothes theirnervous system and they get back
into that rested state again.
So that might work for a while,but eventually that becomes
quite exhausting.
And we do run into some issuesalong the way, so what the
(24:30):
anxiously attached can work onwithin, I would say it's all
about building that self-worthand that independence within
themselves, not grasping atexternal validation first,
before trying to find thatself-worth within.
It could be breaking thatcircuit and that urge to reach
out and send that person thatlong text message.
(24:53):
Trying to get more clarity.
Asking yourself internally, whatam I seeking by doing this?
What am I looking for them to doto soothe me by doing this, by
taking this action and beforedoing it automatically it might
be I.
Thinking about how can I givethat to myself so that feeling
(25:16):
might be, I want clarity.
That feeling might be, I wantreassurance.
Ooh, how can I give reassuranceto myself?
That feeling might be, I wantcertainty.
Okay, how can I make somethingcertain for myself?
What can I do to help myselfcreate certainty.
So that is something to keep inmind, and with that practice
you're learning to self-sootheinstead of that constant
(25:39):
reassurance from other people.
Also practicing.
Secure communication.
So really learning and findingways to use your voice to share
your needs calmly and clearly,and setting boundaries with
other people, but also reallyimportantly, setting boundaries
within and finding thatcontainment within.
(26:00):
So asking yourself, what, whatare my needs?
What are my limits?
'cause that's not something thatwe always ask ourselves or we
don't do it enough.
What drains me currently, whatnourishes me currently, what
behaviors currently make me feelsafe and what make me feel
unsafe and overwhelming?
(26:20):
So we can really work on thoseinternal boundaries within,
before even having to thinkabout how to set external
boundaries.
A few other things just comingto mind to create some space for
the anxiously attached.
It might be around challengingthose habitual thoughts of like,
they don't care.
They haven't replied, sosomething must be wrong.
And just thinking what elsecould be true?
(26:43):
What is something else that maybe true that I am unaware of
yet?
And if you're someone who's in arelationship with an anxiously
attached, I think the key isconsistency helps their nervous
system being reliable helpstheir nervous system.
Having that real, um.
(27:03):
It's a word I look initiatoryenergy like taking.
The lead actually, um, givingthat certainty to them.
I think that's also reallyhealing for an anxiously
attached.
They are big green flags.
We can do the work internally.
We can all do the workinternally, but it's also
important to remember that weare communal, relational beings
(27:24):
and other people can alsosupport us to heal and grow as
well.
Also people supporting anxiouslyattached.
Show your love throughconsistent actions.
'cause consistent actions breedsthat feeling of consistency and
reliability.
And remember that often actionsdo speak louder than words.
All right, next up on our list,we have the.
(27:46):
Third attachment style, which isthe avoidant attachment.
Somebody may lean towards beingmore avoidantly attached if they
grew up with a caregiver or aparent who was more emotionally
unavailable, maybe a caregiverwho was dismissive of their
child's emotions.
I.
Or shaming them for emotionalexpression.
So over time, of course, thatchild naturally starts to become
(28:09):
self-sufficient emotionallybecause that's what is rewarded
and that can lead to themsuppressing their own needs and
relying only on themselvescreating this distance,
emotional, physical, as asurvival strategy.
And unconsciously, as they startto get older, they start
rejecting.
(28:30):
The one thing that they wantedthe most in childhood, which is
love and acceptance andcloseness.
So it's a really interestingone, and it makes sense as I'm
talking through it.
What kind of beliefs that theywould learn, beliefs of?
Um, if I open up, I'll be letdown.
I can't rely on anyone becauseothers have already lit me down.
(28:55):
This fear around losing controlor being engulfed or smothered
by somebody else's emotions,'cause that would feel like too
much perhaps a fear aroundappearing weak.
and it's said that avoidantattachment styles often come
with like a level of shame.
Like, there must be somethingwrong with me or I am not
(29:16):
enough.
So how that actually shows up aswe move through life and get
older, there's struggles withemotional closeness and
intimacy.
When someone gets closer, theavoidant might naturally pull
away more or be at their limit.
They value independence aboveconnection, and in fact, it
(29:39):
might feel like connection is athreat to their own space and
independence, and thisunderlying belief that's being
reiterated and affirmedconstantly of.
I told you so.
So if someone lets them down,it's like, oh, I told you so.
Like, I knew that person wasgonna leave, or, um, I knew that
was gonna happen.
I knew that I couldn't rely onyou or trust you.
(30:00):
So it's reaffirming that beliefof like, there's something wrong
with me, or I will be let down,or I can't rely on anyone.
The avoidant might seem morenaturally cold and detached, but
actually they're justoverwhelmed.
Uh, by others' emotions and pullaway naturally when things get
(30:21):
too emotionally and intense.
So they push people away toavoid being hurt, but actually
end up feeling alone and hurtanyway.
Again, a cycle, and it's not onethat's happening at a conscious
level, it's a, again, a safetynervous system response.
So if someone finds themselfmore avoidantly attached, rather
(30:42):
than practice theirindependence.
That the anxiously attachedneeds to do.
It's actually quite theopposite, so.
Could work on instead, allowingspace for more vulnerability in
really small, safe ways.
So not, not like wearing yourheart on your sleeve, but just
practicing vulnerability andopenness in really small ways.
(31:05):
And anything that reconnects andavoidantly attached with their
feelings.
So anything expressive could bejournaling.
It could be some form ofmovement.
It could be actually justrecognizing feelings and putting
a label to them.
That can really help.
And just challenging narrativesof like, they don't really care.
(31:28):
And again, it's asking, is thisreally true?
Or could there be something elsethat I can think instead that
would be more supportive?
I also think a huge step in theright direction is learning to
sit with and tolerate thatdiscomfort before wanting to
shut down or remove yourself andjust building that capacity bit
by bit because.
(31:48):
Eventually you'll be able tocommunicate in the discomfort.
But yeah, really being with thatdiscomfort and having tools to
sit through that discomfort, Ithink would help a lot.
I'm just thinking off the top ofmy head here, guys, but, uh,
that's what makes sense to me.
And actually, I will say itmakes sense to me because even
though I resonate the most withsecurely attached, I tend to
(32:08):
under stress.
Tip into avoidant tendenciessometimes.
I've had a few aha moments andunlocks recently around what
this may be.
A reflex from, and what I gainthrough doing this, and I keep
it real with you guys, like weare all a work in progress.
(32:29):
But I also wanna say thatbecause if you do resonate with
like, let's say secure, butyou're like, oh, sometimes I'm
anxious, sometimes I'm moreavoidant, that's pretty normal
as well.
It's just having that awarenessand understanding where it
actually is making.
Things harder in relationshipsand where we can work on our
communication and creating thatsafety with them.
(32:50):
So how you can support someonewho leans towards being more
avoidantly attached.
I would say number one,feedback.
Ideally positive, not nagging,not, you don't do this, you
don't do this because thatavoidant is going to reaffirm
the belief that they're notenough and it's not gonna result
in anything beneficial.
So really gentle feedback thatis supportive, that is, um,
(33:13):
encouraging someone and whatthey are doing so far rather
than what they're not doing.
I would say that avoidance aremore likely to respond to people
that are warm, that are curious,that are engaging.
But not too intense.
Someone that will go slow.
That is a green flag.
Patience and consistency andrespecting their need for space,
(33:36):
reminding them that you arethere and being solid in that
respect, I think that reallyhelps the avoidantly attached.
Find safety.
And go through their own processat the same time.
And a nice short quote that Ifound somewhere for my
avoidantly attached out therejust to sit on, just to reflect
(33:56):
on letting someone in feelsrisky, but keeping everyone out
is lonelier.
So remember that the big love,the big connections, the safety,
the friendships, everything thatall requires us to take risks
and to be vulnerable, and thatis where true connection can be
(34:16):
formed.
Finally, the last attachmentstyle of today is the
disorganized or the fearfulavoidant attachment style.
This one, although not superuncommon, I think it's still
around 10 to 15% is the one thatrequires most support to move
through because disorganizedattachment is formed when
(34:40):
parents and caregivers havegiven really confusing
conflicting signals.
So they may have been a sourceof comfort and of fear at the
same time.
And this creates a really deepinner conflict in a child
because.
They want this person to comeclose, but it feels unsafe, but
so does being alone.
That also feels unsafe.
(35:02):
So the caregiver might be lovingin one moment and then yelling
or shouting or threatening thenext, and the child never knows
what version of the caregiverare going to get any one time.
The internal dialogue is like, Iwant to go to you, but I'm
scared of you.
So it's very confusing.
This type of attachment can beassociated with parents and
(35:25):
caregivers who were, uh,dissociated, emotionally numb,
depressed, perhaps drugs,addictions, uh, and that kind of
thing.
And the child can also becomethe emotional caretaker or be
left to really manage.
These intense situations alone.
So the belief that could belearned and reinforced over time
(35:47):
is that love is dangerous.
My feelings make people angry,or my feelings make people
abandon me.
Um, I can't trust others.
I can't trust myself.
Getting close feels dangerous,but being alone also feels
terrifying.
Love equals pain.
And I have to hide parts ofmyself to stay safe.
(36:12):
So as you can see, and as youcan imagine, this creates this
real push and pull dynamics andrelationships down the track
because of course they arecraving connection, but they
also fear abandonment andbetrayal, so they self-sabotage
when someone gets too closebecause they suddenly
withdrawal.
After intimacy.
So it's that push pull dynamicand how else it shows up in
(36:35):
these adult relationships.
Really finding it hard toregulate emotions and trust
others and feeling really unsafein relationships.
And I actually heard anotherpodcast, someone talking about
this.
They actually said that a lot ofpeople who are this attachment
style are that overcompensate.
The really high achievers thatreally throw themselves into
(36:57):
things that.
Make them avoid, um, naturally,of course dealing with these
patterns that come up.
But they are often the peoplethat you would see as being the
overcompensate, the highachievers, the hard workers,
probably avoiding theserelational type issues coming to
the surface.
Anyone who really relates tothis attachment style would
(37:17):
benefit from therapeutic supportand building that.
Safety and connection withsomebody over the long term
through therapy and creatingreally safe and predictable
routines in daily life and inrelationships, because that
starts to build a foundation ofsafety, even before exploring
relationships and to supportpeople that are moving through
(37:40):
this attachment style.
I would say a lot of patientsbeing really gentle, being
really clear.
And consistency again for all ofthis, it's a lot of it is
consistency and celebratingthose small steps of openness
and trust.
Really celebrating that and nottaking any pushback to heart, I
would say is an important thingto remember.
(38:03):
The main thing I want you guysto take away from this episode,
especially if you didn't relatewith having a secure attachment
style, is that you can becomemore of the secure base you
didn't have, and that is throughcompassion.
That is through honesty of yourpatterns and what you need to
work on through boundaries.
Through showing up for yourselfconsistently.
(38:24):
Because when we consistentlymake new choices and wire in a
new emotion, that is how thebrain and the nervous system
learn a new pathway, learn a newskill, and it also happens
through co-regulation, meaning.
Through other people.
Our, we are relational beings,right?
We need to learn and healthrough other people.
(38:45):
So having those on honestconversations in our
relationships about what we areworking through still and what
patterns we have can be reallyhealing and finding those safe
people, those people that.
Uh, naturally securely attachedand will remind you of your
worth, what you deserve, and howamazing you are.
That can all help with thehealing too.
(39:07):
The more that you meet your ownneeds with presence, the less
you have to chase and avoid themthrough others.
So when we work on being asecure base in ourself, AKA self
sourced.
It enhances all of ourrelationships and we can have
that solid foundation within aswell.
(39:27):
Okay, beautiful people.
I hope that you took somethingfrom today's episode.
Uh, it was meant to be a shortone, but as per usual Bianca
styles, I think this is gonnaend up being a long one.
Um, I hope I got some reallyimportant concepts across to you
guys and you have more awarenessaround yourself and how that may
be showing up in relationships.
(39:49):
Have a stunning week ahead and Ilook forward to seeing you on
the next episode.
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