Untitled Beatles Summer News Extravaganza

When did the news become so awful? A: 2015.

That was more of a rhetorical question, but you’re 100% correct. It was 2015. So after 10 YEARS of doom-scrolling our collective souls (#shine) into a revolting, malodorous tarpit of human despair (access to misery included for a small monthly surcharge), how can the news be worth our time?

A: When it’s SUMMER BEATLE NEWS!!! That’s why this week T.J. and Tony catch up on a romantic hammock and muse freely on the latest from the Land of Fab. And as they sway to the calm breezes of the Beatleverse, it rocks them to sleep #FileUnderRock, conjuring delightful afternoon visions…

🛋️ Settling into his fireside armchair, T.J. enjoys an aperitif of Martini & Rossi while cracking into the 26-Volume Encyclopedia of Press To Play by Luca Perasi, with foreword by Danny Zuko from Grease.

🐐 At a White Hen Pantry, Tony tries a new slushie flavor: Lemon Twig, which elicits an acute case of brain freeze. Channeling Sexy Sadie, he recites a MANTRA OF THE COSMOS, and hovers above a display of various Ringo reissues from the 00s. In his trancelike state, Tony pitches/pesters the clerk about selling “Tom Green-flavored condoms”…for GOATS!

🍺 It’s last call at Ratcatcher’s Tavern. There, leaning on the edge of the bar like it’s his only friend (it is), the Angry Drunk Chicago guy launches into his latest Ted Talk:

HEY IF HE’S SO SMART HOW KUM DAT MEATHEAD ROB REINERSDORF WASN’T IN DA MOVIE ABOUT MEATBALLS?? (belch) YA KNOW... (fart) DOZ MURRAY BRUTHERSSS OWE ME BIG TIME. CUZ GHOSTBUTLERS WUZ MY IDEA...

And out of nowhere, a Vaudeville cane removes him from the frame…

Scroll up for the Untitled Beatles Summer News Extravaganza!!!

 

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