Empowerment, Cultural Identity, and Overcoming Challenges

What if you could transform your life by embracing the power of indifference? On this episode of Virago 24-7, we are joined by our inspiring guests Shiney and Briana as we embark on an emotional journey through the complexities of co-parenting, personal growth, and finding empowerment amidst challenges. Briana shares her heartfelt story of navigating love, hate, and unmet expectations, while Shiney and I offer advice on reaching a state of indifference to break free from negative energy. We dissect the struggles of dealing with narcissistic tendencies and emphasize the importance of focusing on what can be controlled in order to move forward stronger and more confident.

The episode takes a personal turn as I recount a recent health scare involving a mammogram. Despite the anxiety of pending biopsy results, I share my journey of staying positive and the critical role that regular health screenings and supportive friends play in such situations. Our conversation balances seriousness with a touch of humor, as we highlight the importance of precautionary health measures and the strength that comes from a supportive community. 

Join us as we explore the rich tapestry of cultural identity and beauty standards prompted by Shiney’s experiences as a young Indian woman. We celebrate diversity through candid discussions on societal perceptions of age, beauty, and the fascinating dynamics of ethnicity and language. We dive into the nuances of both Hispanic and Indian cultures, sharing personal anecdotes and insights into how generational differences shape our sense of identity. Through all these conversations, we emphasize the significance of choosing family beyond blood ties and nurturing the bonds that truly matter. Listen in for a heartfelt journey of empowerment, self-awareness, and cultural appreciation that promises to leave you inspired and uplifted.

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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!

Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
On today's show.
I have Shiny and Brianna withme today and we talk about why
Brianna hates her life, why mymammogram scans are of concern
to the doctors, and we also talkabout culture and why Shiny

(00:22):
felt not seen as a young brownIndian woman, Indian girl.
And yeah, we.
You know when we speak we areon a roller coaster of
conversations, so come and joinus.
Hope you enjoy.
Hi, I am your host, LeonetteTalley, and you are listening to

(00:45):
Virago 24-7.
Virago is Latin for femalewarrior and 24-7 is for all day,
every day.
Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcastthat brings diverse women
together to talk about life andour experiences in this world.
We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage,
children, friendships and reallyanything that needs to be

(01:06):
talked about.
Here you will find everydaygrowth, everyday healing with
Everyday Warriors.
Hello, Hi, I know I think I'mglad we're all here today.

(01:27):
We came in a little bit on thesleepy side, the three of us,
this one over here, littlenugget comes in and I want to
know more.
How are you doing and what'dyou say?
I hate my life, Just like that.
So we all want to know why doyou hate your life, Right, Shiny
?
All want to know why do youhate your life, right, shiny?
We want to know.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
We're like what is happening because people need to
pay attention to who they havebabies with.
Tell us more if I could giveany advice to any young person
out there don't get pregnant andI hate saying that because I
love the shit out of my kids.
Just let it out.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
Oh wow, hate is a strong word and I mean it with
shit out of my kids.
Just let it out.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
Oh wow, Hate is a strong word, and I mean it with
every fiber of my being.

Speaker 3 (02:10):
But let me just tell you, because I've, I know you're
not, you don't have aresearcher?

Speaker 4 (02:14):
Oh no.

Speaker 3 (02:17):
But I wasn't going to go in that direction.
I was going to say that hate islinked to love, is linked to
love because you, it's.
It's you still holding on tothings?

Speaker 2 (02:35):
um, and being disappointed about expectations
that were not met.
Um, just be a good human.
That's like the onlyexpectation I have.

Speaker 3 (02:39):
Your goal is going to be indifference.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
Yeah, actually I agree with Shiny.
Yeah, there's still feelingsthere and that's why you have
these big emotions Hatred whenyou don't give a shit, when
you're like, like you said,neutral you don't feel any of it
.

Speaker 2 (02:56):
I've been co-parenting for almost 12 years
now, so my expectation is thatmy kids have their fathers in
their lives.

Speaker 3 (03:06):
This has motivated her to know what she wants,
because I think the beauty and Iknow that this is what I'm
going to do is see that in.
This is sometimes, when someonemakes us so angry, it forces us
to think in a differentperspective and see like no, why

(03:27):
am I settling for this?
I need this, this is better forme, so what does?
she do.
She doesn't have to explainanymore.
She doesn't have to.
You know, she should try herbest to not even engage like
accept him, accept that this ishow he is.

(03:48):
And now what do I do about it?
Yeah, because you're right.
You can't change anyone.

Speaker 1 (03:56):
I think the back and forth and I've said this, but I
think everyone needs to get totheir own place of accepting.
I would just leave him on, readand that's it Like.
I think you go back and forthwith him and I know it's because
you feel like if I say thisit's going to change his
perspective.
It hasn't worked and it onlyfrazzles you even more and

(04:18):
pisses you off even more and ithurts you and I think hopefully
you'll get to a place where youdon't feel like you have to
engage.
I know it's so hard.
I've been there with otherpeople, not necessarily a baby
daddy.
Well, yeah, for a short whileactually.
It just seems like such a longtime ago.

(04:39):
He's a long distance memory.

Speaker 2 (04:41):
Like it's just lose, lose.
Everything is lose, lose, I'mlosing.

Speaker 1 (04:50):
That's what it feels like right now.
It's not going to feel likethis forever.
I know it does feel like thatand you and I've had that
conversation before, but I thinkstep one is to just disengage.

Speaker 3 (04:56):
So that's where you're stuck, because you are a
giving, caring mom and theexpectation that he will be
anything like that it's, it'shard.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
It's.
It's going to get better.
You're just going to have tocontrol how you respond.
You can't do anything for him.

Speaker 3 (05:20):
Exactly, this is it, man, and we can say this all day
long, but it is your journeyand and I have been in similar
positions with various people,um with you know, narcissistic
qualities because, just because,because you, we can't diagnose

(05:43):
anybody but anyone who's like oh, really, oh.

Speaker 1 (05:47):
Bree and I will.
Oh, bree and I diagnose all daylong he bipolar, she a
narcissist, she a bitch, orreally selfish, she evil, or
really selfish people.

Speaker 3 (06:00):
You know it's hard, but the truth is that we all
have to acknowledge is someonewho has any narcissistic
tendencies is only thinkingabout themselves.
They're not thinking about, youknow, our kids or our loved
ones, or our friends or, anddefinitely not, us.

(06:23):
So it's a hard one to swallowbecause, because you are the way
you are, because you are agiving, caring, loving, over the
top person who goes above andbeyond, it is super hard to

(06:45):
accept.
Not only do we want you tobuild your confidence, we feel
confident in you.
I can feel it.
Oh yeah, thank you.
It's not something that we'regoing to fear.
Monger about money, time.
What will happen Exactly?

Speaker 1 (07:03):
What are they going to say about you?
You, I think, what's holdingyou right now?
Now there's a wall in front ofyou and it's all those things
the money, your alcoholism, allthese things that you think are
going to be thrown back in yourface.
Who cares?
You own it.
This is who you are.
Your concerns are valid, but weneed to kick that wall down.

Speaker 3 (07:24):
Yeah and change.
It is instead of you wanting tosee him the way you are, we
want you to see yourself the waywe see you.

Speaker 1 (07:34):
Exactly that's because you are a badass, thank
you, and that's what's stoppingher.
Yeah, is that you are lackingthat confidence in yourself?

Speaker 3 (07:43):
the first time time we recorded, I said Brianna,
you're incredible, you're.
You are so young, you don't?
You don't see what, what I,what I see, and I don't know you
even an ounce of how Leonetteknows you, but what I do is
incredible.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (08:03):
You are a mom who goes above and beyond, and I'm a
mom too, and not all moms arelike that.
Like, not all moms are innatelyso nurturing, and so you know,
and they don't have to be wecome in all different shapes and
sizes, colors, everything.
But again back to you're soyoung and you know how important

(08:31):
your kids are.
You brought them into thisworld and you are responsible
for them, and that's beautiful,thank you.
You're beautiful, thank you.

Speaker 1 (08:47):
So chin up, knockers out head up I watch um, what is
it?
Miss mazel, something?
Some the marvelous miss mazel,and that's what she says chin up
, tits out.
Yeah, that's what we're goingto do.
Oh, speaking of tits, we'regoing to take this down the road
.
So this morning I had anappointment.

(09:09):
So you all know about my highcholesterol.
If you listen to, the pastshows so high cholesterol,
glucose levels.
And then I had to go get amammogram because I haven't done
it since after I turned 40.
So it's been about three years.
And so my right breast.

(09:30):
I guess they found something.
So I went back this morning andnow I need a freaking biopsy on
my tit-tits.
Can you feel it?
No, it's not even a lump.
They call it calcification,which I read is probably nothing
, but also, it could be.
I think they're just takingprecautions.

(09:50):
I'm not worried.
To be honest, I know thishappens to women every single
day.

Speaker 2 (09:56):
Did they give you like a probability or no, but I
Googled it.

Speaker 1 (10:01):
What did that say?
The Google says there's a greatchance, there's nothing.

Speaker 3 (10:05):
Okay, yeah, like a high percentage right, shiny,
yes, and I, yes, I love that.

Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, because we I think everyone knows any medical
professional knows that it'sgoing to be googled um and I'm
thinking, because I have mybreast reduction, I'm like, well
, maybe my tissue, likesomething happened, because I
did have surgery um two yearsago, so I'm not worried.
But Missy, over here, like I'mtexting the girls, I'm like, hey

(10:31):
, I'm on my appointment, youknow, just updating them because
we were going to record today.
And she's like, oh my gosh, oh,it was really cute.
You're sweet, but I'm calm,cool and collected and if it is
something more serious, then I Iwas like why is she?

Speaker 2 (10:45):
And she said the C word in text message.
I was like no, don't say thatword.
Well, I said.

Speaker 1 (10:49):
I said I don't think it is, but if it is cancer, then
at least I'll get some niceperky implants, Because we're
going to chop these babies off.

Speaker 2 (10:56):
Don't say that word.

Speaker 1 (10:57):
They're going to be perky.
I, it's gonna be wonderful andbecause I'm eating right,
hopefully I'm losing weight,kind of, yeah, I'm gonna be like
no high cholesterol, no glucose, like I'm gonna be like cancer
out of my body.
No, I don't want to joke aboutcancer, but I have to.
It's weird like when seriousstuff comes up like this, I can

(11:19):
get very zen about it and otherthings like, other things like
there's many things that arevery trivial that work me up I'm
real calm right now.

Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah, you were like super calm this morning.
I was like why the fuck is shebeing so?

Speaker 1 (11:33):
calm, it's, it's gonna be okay.
So next wednesday we're gonnaget the biopsy, which I don't
like needles like that but theysay they're gonna numb me, so
then.

Speaker 2 (11:41):
So then, you should get the results by friday.

Speaker 1 (11:43):
They said two to three days, yeah, but I think
it's going to be fine.

Speaker 2 (11:47):
Will they call you or do you go in the office?

Speaker 1 (11:49):
I don't know.
I'm going to be in Dallas at aCowboys game.
I don't know, I'm not going tobe available.
I'm not going to be Hello.

Speaker 3 (11:56):
You probably have a portal and that's pretty fast.
So I do have a portal.

Speaker 1 (12:01):
So the portal, I literally get it instantly and
then you have to read and allthis like medical terms and
stuff, but you get the gist ofit and then later on they call
is what has happened?

Speaker 3 (12:12):
And usually it's no news is good news.
If a doctor or any medicalprofessional isn't calling you,
it's a good sign.

Speaker 4 (12:20):
That's true.

Speaker 3 (12:21):
And I already said on our text, when in doubt, check
it out.
That's true, and I already saidon our text when in doubt,
check it out.
That's true.
Prevention is the key.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
So everyone send your prayers to me and my right
boobie.
Put all the prayers into thatright boobie.
So it's not a lump, so no it'slike white spots that come up on
the mammogram.
I don't know.
I Googled this.
Nobody explained to me.
I was like what are we talkingabout?
So it's white spots and I guesswhite spots could be cancerous.

Speaker 3 (12:52):
Or they could be calcium buildup Calcium yeah,
what causes calcium buildup?

Speaker 1 (12:58):
Surgeries, injuries.
What else did I read?
Cancer, yeah, like, and I'mthinking okay, because I had my
surgery.

Speaker 2 (13:06):
sorry, how long before your um breast reduction
did you have your last mammogram?
Do you know so?

Speaker 1 (13:12):
I had my mammogram in 2021, like early 2021, and then
I had my in 2022, right late2022, so like yeah, and so
they're comparing that to thisnew one, okay, and they're
saying something that's not thesame.
That's a little off.
So I'm.

Speaker 2 (13:29):
I'm kind of what was their energy like?
Were they just like we need toget you in for a biopsy, Like is
that?
Or were they like we're justgoing to take your caution, I
think, because they do thisevery day.

Speaker 1 (13:38):
Yeah, they're so chill, calm and collected, and I
think they have to be that waybecause, yeah, they don anxious
people out there that would belike oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 (13:50):
Like if this was you Bree, you'd probably be like oh
my gosh, I'm dying.
Tomorrow I'd be giving youcustody of my children.
Yeah, like we would be drawingup wills.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:55):
All the things, and so no, they were real chill
about it.
They're like you know, theyjust walk you through the
procedures and I don't know.

Speaker 3 (14:04):
They're just really chill.
And why work anyone up when youdon't know?

Speaker 1 (14:09):
Exactly, and that's what it is.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
This is more to see, because it's something that they
see every day.
So, like dad, for example, ifhe sees oral cancer, he's going
to tell the patient like well,we just have to do a Velsco or
an oral cancer screening.
But he knows in the back of hismind whether or not it's
something to be concerned about,but they're not going to tell
you until it's official.

Speaker 1 (14:31):
Official, so maybe it is and they're just not telling
me.
Okay, I don't know.
We're going to find out nextweek when.

Speaker 2 (14:36):
I'm in Dallas.
You better call me as soon asyou get those results.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
I will.

Speaker 2 (14:39):
Give me the login to your portal girl.

Speaker 3 (14:44):
This girl would get the results before me she is too
much.

Speaker 4 (14:47):
I'm going to get the face.

Speaker 2 (14:50):
ID set up on your phone so I can log into the
portal.

Speaker 1 (14:53):
She'll be logging in every hour.
She's like do we have theresults?
She'll be texting me in Dallaslike what's happening?
How come they haven't posted it.

Speaker 3 (15:02):
She's going to get back to me and say I have read
the report.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
She Googles everything.

Speaker 2 (15:06):
In conclusion, you're going to live.

Speaker 3 (15:12):
I've translated she googles everything.
In conclusion, I translated it.

Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, with the help of she surely would.
Um, I'm gonna put your emailaddress instead of mine so that
you get the email, and I'll giveyou my login.

Speaker 2 (15:21):
No, because what if it's something bad?
I'm not gonna be the one totell you oh yeah, you're right,
you're right.
You wouldn't want me to be theone to tell you, oh yeah you're
right.

Speaker 3 (15:28):
You're right and you wouldn't want me to be the one
to tell you To answer what shesaid.
You know how did they react,how were they?
How was their behavior?
If you needed, if someone thatwas looking at everything
thought it needed to be moved upin any escalation and tests
needed to be ordered, stat thatwould have happened.

(15:49):
There we go, so nothing to seehere, okay.

Speaker 1 (15:52):
Nothing to see here that makes me feel better.

Speaker 2 (15:53):
We're good, I'll sleep tonight, bree, you're
going to be okay.

Speaker 3 (15:56):
She's not going into emergency breast surgery today.

Speaker 2 (16:02):
Leonette's.
Like I have a tumor and I'mlike, can you console me, though
?
I?

Speaker 1 (16:07):
know, I don't know, you know I, I think I don't.
I don't fear death, and so Ithink anything that's to come
doesn't frazzle me, because Idon't fear death.
What I do fear is how I die.
So like I don't want to becaught on fire, Like I don't

(16:27):
want to die while I'm like inflames, I don't want to drown
like suffocation, um.
But other than that, I'm likeI'm just not fearful of dying.
Maybe it's my spiritual walk, Ijust I'm not afraid, and so
maybe that helps.
I don't know, I'm terrified ofdeath, really yes.

Speaker 3 (16:48):
I don't know, I'm not afraid.
I have to agree with you.
I and I'm not trying to be dark, but I've always had this
feeling that I'm going to goearlier than maybe I thought I
was years ago.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
Like early how.

Speaker 3 (17:02):
Like Earlier than I don't know 140, 104.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
Oh oh damn girl, when did you start feeling this way?

Speaker 3 (17:14):
In the last five, six years and one of the reasons is
sort of hopeful.
I don't want to be a burden ora problem or trouble for for my
kids or for anyone.
I want their lives to be easyand less stressful than they

(17:39):
have been or any of the timesthat they have been.
And if anything, I would likeone of my goals for my kids is
to continue to parent in a waywhere I'm not a source of their
stress.

Speaker 1 (17:55):
I know, but what does that have to do with you dying
early?

Speaker 2 (17:58):
They're not going to have less stress.

Speaker 1 (18:00):
I know when you're dead, Like wait a minute.

Speaker 2 (18:04):
She's like I have come to peace with dying because
my kids will be less stressed.

Speaker 1 (18:08):
What.

Speaker 2 (18:09):
Without me.

Speaker 3 (18:10):
What are we saying me ?
What are we?
Okay, maybe I'm not saying itokay, I mean, I don't want my
kids, if, if I needed to be indiapers any yeah anything that
some someone felt the need thatthey I had to be taken here.
Okay, I'm actually totally finewith living in a commune with
my friends, my old lady friends.

Speaker 1 (18:32):
That would be fun.

Speaker 2 (18:33):
I have a picture that you'd be in the star at the
nursing home.

Speaker 1 (18:36):
She'll have her own little garden somewhere on site,
and we've got to make sure weall wear condoms, because that's
a prominent place for STDs.

Speaker 2 (18:45):
I mean really, you're on the edge, that Okay.

Speaker 3 (18:50):
Because they live on the edge over there.
I know, and that's like Iremember when I was in school
and I doubt it's even changedbut that people underestimate
old people, I know.

Speaker 1 (18:59):
But that's crazy how they are still able to like, get
it on Like.
Their bodies still work thatway.

Speaker 3 (19:15):
I watched the Golden Bachelor and I'm'm watching the
golden bachelorette.

Speaker 1 (19:17):
They really the the guy that she the last episode,
the guy that she danced with atthe prom.
Whoa, how old are they?

Speaker 3 (19:20):
because I don't watch any of that.
Well, it's not old, he's 61.
He's a tall.
He's a tall black guy with,like that is not really a shape.
That's no six years for philip.
I don't.
I don't actually think it's old.

Speaker 4 (19:32):
You're calling it golden I agree, I don't think
it's old either, but in sixyears but my baby will be right
there

Speaker 2 (19:39):
my kids think I'm ancient.
Well, yeah, I mean, my sonthinks I'm ancient yeah, yeah,
they don't, they don't know anybetter.

Speaker 3 (19:47):
I feel I feel young, I I feel that I give off young
energy.
I feel that way that you do.

Speaker 1 (19:54):
You do the person that I've been working with
closely.

Speaker 3 (19:56):
She said she thought I was 35.

Speaker 1 (19:58):
Well, stop that.
I was like hey, you're like,and I was a few years ago,
that's good.
Yeah, I got a compliment fromthe boob nurse, see.

Speaker 3 (20:08):
Yeah, she said, those are nice ones.

Speaker 1 (20:13):
This was after I had my clothes on.
I had my clothes on and shecomplimented my face.
Well, you have a beautiful face.
When she saw my date of birthshe was like wow, really.

Speaker 3 (20:25):
What's your secret?
You know how Facebook has likethe little facials.

Speaker 2 (20:29):
The Facebook memories there was a picture of us from
like a long time ago.
I think it was nine years Wasit really I think it was nine
years ago.
And I texted it to Lena and Iwas like how the fuck have you
not like?
You haven't aged?
You look the exact same.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
I mean my face is a little rounder, but that's all.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
I don't know, I don't feel that way.
I don't know.
I get comments every timeMaddox and I are in public
together, not with Axel, butwith Maddox.
He'll be like hey, mom, andsomebody will be like mom.

Speaker 4 (20:56):
Especially old men they love to say that shit,
that's not your mom, that's notyour mom Maddox

Speaker 3 (21:01):
is like yeah, it.

Speaker 1 (21:03):
Probably, or like she's this maybe like a
babysitter or something.
Yes, it's going to get worsewhen he's a teenager.

Speaker 2 (21:10):
I mean, he towers over me now I know, but when
he's like 15, 16, they're goingto think you're his girlfriend.
My mom.
That's going to be weird.
One time we were walking andMaddox and I banter with each
other like all day.
We just have like a joking typeof mother son relationship and
so we were like walking insomewhere and he like shoved me

(21:31):
and I was shoving him back andshe was like y'all, look like
y'all are on a date and I waslike mom, what the fuck is wrong
with you?
It's weird.
People always think that I'mhis sister or his babysitter
because I'm white and he's black.

Speaker 3 (21:43):
Yeah, you have a baby face though you do Thanks.

Speaker 1 (21:47):
Yeah, you have a baby face, though you do Thanks, you
do have a baby face.

Speaker 2 (21:51):
So when you're 44, like me, I'm going to get
compliments from my kidneydoctor.

Speaker 3 (21:55):
When you're 35, like me.

Speaker 1 (21:58):
You too will get the compliments yeah people don't?
It's so crazy.
Like our generation, like our40s and 50s and 60 year old
women, and you look at, likepast generations, like when
you're watching, like the goldengirls, and I know people
compare their ages to us.
It is a huge difference.
It's a huge difference.

Speaker 2 (22:16):
It's the hair.
Is it the hair?
I feel like the hair has a lotto do with it, like in the way
they dress, like 40 year old, ifyou look at.
Like nineties television showsor even like early two thousands
, like 90s television shows oreven like early 2000s the the 40
year olds dressed like, howlike 60 year olds dress today,
and they had that big ass hairand the fluffed up bangs and
stuff and that ages you thathairstyle ages you yeah, it's a

(22:39):
huge difference.

Speaker 1 (22:39):
Botox I'm sure I remember when I was like how you
present yourself and and I feellike we just um are very
conscious of like exercise.
I don't remember women backthen.

Speaker 4 (22:53):
I mean, I'm sure there were some.

Speaker 1 (22:54):
Jazzercise yeah, but like we're really like into
exercising and walking.

Speaker 2 (23:00):
People are more aware of like what they're putting in
their bodies as far as likefood goes and all of that stuff,
but I feel like it's a hugedifference Less people smoking
cigarettes.
Yes, that could be it too.
They're not but.

Speaker 3 (23:10):
I feel like it's a huge difference.

Speaker 2 (23:11):
Less people smoking cigarettes.
Yes, yeah, that could be it too.

Speaker 1 (23:13):
They're not as trendy .
Now it's the vapes.
Well, yeah, but it doesn't likepucker up your mouth and give
you all the wrinkles, does it?

Speaker 2 (23:20):
I don't know I could never vape.

Speaker 3 (23:24):
And the tanning, and the tanning.

Speaker 1 (23:26):
And the tanning People are doing SPF.

Speaker 3 (23:27):
That's right shiny.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
Because all my girlfriends Back in the 80s and
90s.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
All my girlfriends that used to sunbathe, all my
girlfriends that did.

Speaker 1 (23:36):
With that baby oil.

Speaker 3 (23:38):
And I would hide under a tree Because, remember,
I said that I wasn't allowed toBe dark.
Yes, because being tan andbeing dark was not seen as
pretty Exactly.
And now they're having you knowthings popped out of them or
you know, punched, punched, youknow that, punch, biopsy and cut

(24:03):
out of them.
It's awful.

Speaker 1 (24:05):
Really, because they were sunbathed.

Speaker 3 (24:07):
I've always wanted to be dark because I grew up in
florida.
It's common I'm black, that'show I feel, whoa yes, five
percent, don't forget.
No, I've always I've.

Speaker 2 (24:18):
I think that and and even um with like black women
they they're.
I remember when I was in likemiddle school and high school
the dark skin girl, like thelight skin girls, were the
pretty girls and for me, if Isee like a really dark black, it
is the most beautifulcomplexion to me.
There's just something about itthat is like majestic.

Speaker 4 (24:41):
I don't know how to explain it.
Like royal yes.
Like a royal yes.

Speaker 2 (24:45):
Like a princess or something.

Speaker 3 (24:47):
Well, I love that about you because you didn't she
mesh?
Really well, she was the onlyperson who was white when we all
hung out at the pool.
Yes, and didn't she mesh?
So beautifully.

Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yes, like better than I did.
She did, I knew she would Like.
So a few weeks ago we went toour neighborhood pool and there
was how many girls there waslike eight, no, I counted, I
think nine I, and there was howmany girls there was, like eight
, no, I counted I think nine Ithink.

(25:17):
And so we were all women ofcolor and, except for brie brie
over here, five percent, but itwas five percent black.
But it was funny because forsome reason we got on the topic
of like oh, only white people dothat, like one of those
conversations do you rememberwhat it was?

Speaker 3 (25:26):
something, someone said something about that and I
think everyone kind of turnedover to make sure to breathe,
like so sorry, and sheimmediately, and I'm like this
girl does not care.

Speaker 1 (25:36):
What is it?

Speaker 3 (25:37):
that you did, because I've never done this.
Is it 23 me or 23 and me?
And that's what you said, andthat's yeah what did you?

Speaker 2 (25:42):
what did you say exactly?
There's no telling on it.
I was like well, I'm actuallyblack'm actually black.

Speaker 1 (25:47):
That's what she said.
I'm like yeah, so don't worryabout me.
And they all started crackingup.
I'm like, for sure, she's likefor real.

Speaker 3 (25:52):
I did 23 and me I identify as white and everyone
just cracked up.
They were like we like her.

Speaker 1 (25:58):
We like her, she's cool.

Speaker 2 (26:11):
Oh, I don't see color .
Everybody sees color.

Speaker 4 (26:13):
You know like, of course you know.

Speaker 2 (26:15):
I know that you're Indian, I know that you're
Hispanic.
We know that I'm like everybodysees color, yeah, but I, I, for
some reason, I've always likeone.
Well, like in middle school andhigh school, I always was
jealous of the black girls.
I wanted to be black, so bad.

Speaker 1 (26:30):
Well, you tan really nicely.
I do, you don't get bright andmixed babies.

Speaker 2 (26:37):
I've always been a fan.
I love my little white baby,but I've always been a fan of
mixed babies and stuff.
I get envious of things likethat and I think that's why I
always say like I joke and saylike I always wanted to be black
.
I feel like there's morecultures in other races.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (26:55):
Like there's more like traditions, Traditions,
Cultures.

Speaker 2 (26:58):
Hispanics have their traditions, like their beautiful
music and the dancing and thefood and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 (27:04):
We are pretty amazing .
Thank you, and the same withblack people too, and white
people, we just we just hearwhat we do.
But the fact that you're butthe fact that you're intrigued,
the fact that you're you put itlike that, it makes me feel
sorry.

Speaker 3 (27:18):
No, I, I think it's beautiful that you find it
intriguing and interesting andyou want to be a part of it.

Speaker 4 (27:25):
I and you want to be a part of it.
I think that's wonderful.
Well there's, I know a lot ofnon.

Speaker 3 (27:31):
Let's say, I know a lot of white people who could
care less.

Speaker 1 (27:34):
That's what I was going to say.
Like their groups are the KKKand they feel rarely happy being
in that quote unquotetraditional world.
I mean I know that's a littleextreme, but um or or, if you
grow up in, like in a countrytown, like they're very like
hunting.

Speaker 2 (27:50):
That's what we do we fucking hunt?
And go fishing Like I don'twant that.

Speaker 1 (27:54):
I think because you're 5% black.
I think that's why you'reconflicted and, like you know, I
look in the mirror and I'm darkskinned.

Speaker 2 (28:03):
You're trapped in a white girl's body, and so here
we are Like I, I, I I've alwayshad like this longing to be
included in something likeanything.
I've always wanted to beincluded, so like even with like
old friends that used to workat the office and her husband.
They would like shoot guns andhunt and fish and listen to

(28:24):
country music, go down the riverand I'm like what the fuck am I
doing here?
This is not my lifestyle okay,but you but you hung in there
for a little bit.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
You tested it out.

Speaker 2 (28:33):
It was fun it was fun , but there was nothing
beautiful about it yeah you knowwhat I mean.
Like there's something sobeautiful, like mushka's family,
for example.
They all get together andthere's a meal that she cooks
every time.
And listen to hispanic musicand everybody knows the words
and they dance and stuff likethat, and the same with black
people, and that's beautiful tome.
There is nothing beautifulabout killing a deer.

Speaker 3 (28:55):
Well, I appreciate it because I grew up feeling the
opposite.
I felt so different, felt soout of place, and I remember
feeling like no one would evenas a young person I felt like no
one was, would even look my waybecause they could not get past

(29:16):
my skin color.

Speaker 2 (29:18):
Even the other day, when you had what is it called A
Bindi.

Speaker 3 (29:21):
What is it?
A Bindi B-I-N-D-I?
The red dot on the forehead.

Speaker 2 (29:25):
The Bindi.
I was like fascinated by it andI think that's such a cool
thing.
There's so much, there's likeyou do things and there's a
purpose behind them and it'sconsistent, and I think that's
beautiful.

Speaker 3 (29:37):
Thank you for saying that.
So I.
So it took me years toappreciate who I was, being
brown, thinking it's beautiful,and I think I really only
embraced it after I became amother, because I wanted my
children to not feel the way Ifelt as a kid.
I was in a protected space.

(29:59):
I went to an all Indian church,all my friends, we all went to,
we all hung out during the week.
So it's, you know, I didn'thave play dates, but it was
controlled, the setting wascontrolled, who I hung out with
where I went, so it was allindian friends.
And then when we, we, we wentfrom kindergarten to college

(30:23):
together.

Speaker 1 (30:24):
That's so great every time you which I think that's
amazing it really cool.

Speaker 3 (30:27):
And they were all in my wedding.
I got lucky.
I say lucky because had I notmoved and had to go leave
private school that all myIndian friends were at and have
to go to public school likeTaryn and Lauren and Stace,
which they're predominantly thegroup is Jewish because I live

(30:49):
in a Jewish community in SouthFlorida I wouldn't have realized
that other people would see metoo and welcome me with open
arms and be my friend.
Maybe I still thought guysdidn't find me attractive or no
one really wanted to date me.
I did think that, but in time Islowly, slowly realized OK, I'm

(31:13):
not ugly, this is my color, isis beautiful too, and I really
wanted to get my kids to feelthat way.
And on that, on that topic, I Ifeel as if the world is
changing more now, where we feelmore accepted.
Oh yeah, but I think people,you know I'm like I'm a mystery.

(31:37):
When people see me they don'tknow where I'm from and that's
so cool.

Speaker 1 (31:42):
I think it's really cool because I feel like I'll
get a genuine approach thenBecause I feel like I'll get a
genuine approach then I thinkit's crazy, because when I see
you, I see an Indian woman andfor some reason it baffles me
that people would see you anydifferent than what you are.
And then it kind of to me showswhere these people probably

(32:05):
didn't travel a lot Because Isee you as Indian and they think
you're like mixed black andwhite and I'm like I don't
really I, I, I I understand thatperspective, but I don't, I
don't see it either, me too, andI'm like well, dan, where are
these people?

Speaker 3 (32:22):
Well, last week somebody um an older white
gentleman, somebody an olderwhite gentleman.
He wanted to get you know, knowmy name and introduce himself.

Speaker 4 (32:39):
And he said ¿Cómo se llama?

Speaker 1 (32:42):
You stopped that right this minute no.

Speaker 3 (33:02):
And you're like, you're like indian.
You're like wait, are you forreal?
What did you say?
So I, I said I'm not of latindescent.
I, um, I'm indian, my name isshiny.
Nice to meet you, and that wasit.
But I say I have so many a rushof so many feelings because,
like I said, I know I'm amystery and people don't know.
And I say this because you guyssay that you see me as an
Indian person, but I would say,most of the time, majority of

(33:24):
the time, people have no ideaand I don't mind at all.
Yeah, yeah.
I kind of it's kind of cool.

Speaker 1 (33:31):
It's like a mystery.
Yeah, it is nice.

Speaker 4 (33:34):
It is nice Mysterious Right yeah.

Speaker 3 (33:36):
And and if anyone, if that person has something
against this, like this group orthat group, and has a
stereotypical opinion on thatperson, I'll really get to see
how that person really is, andso when this gentleman
approached me that way, I didn'tlike it.

Speaker 1 (34:00):
Really.

Speaker 3 (34:01):
Because he's assuming Exactly and I don't mind.
I think I grew up in SouthFlorida.
Latin food is my, my favorite,besides Indian food, and the
culture is beautiful and my someof my closest friends are from
the beautiful Latin countries,but I what I didn't like about
it is assumptions.

(34:22):
Like, don't make assumptions I.
I want someone to just ask, ask, yeah, I think it's sad from a
white person's perspective.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
I think it's sad that it's become such a taboo thing.
As a white woman, I get nervousto ask people like what is your
race, what is your ethnicity?
I don't mind.

Speaker 4 (34:40):
What is?

Speaker 2 (34:40):
your background, neither do I, but it's because
of white people who have made,who have um made other races
feel less than, or you know,white, the white people are
always superior in the past, andso it became like this taboo
thing, and so I feel like thereare, there are um white people

(35:00):
who made it that way that it was.
It was a less than thing.
So, therefore, if a whiteperson comes up to somebody and
says a less than thing, sotherefore, if a white person
comes up to somebody and says,well, where are you from?
It seems it's, it seems likeit's um ill intention behind it
Okay, this is, this is reallygreat that you say it.

Speaker 3 (35:16):
it it isn't it's tone and I know in my.

Speaker 2 (35:20):
For me, I'm like I said, I'm always curious.
I would love to know all aboutyour culture.
I know a lot about you know, Iknow your mom and things like
that.
And you know Mushka, whosewhose whole family is Hispanic.
And, um, I, I would love toknow more.
I, and I am genuinely curiousabout where someone's from.

(35:40):
If somebody's Hispanic, I don'tknow how to tell right off the
bat where they're from, Um, andso I always am curious,
especially because sometimes Ican there, there, there's, there
are ways that I'm able torelate, Like if somebody is
Colombian, I can say, oh, youknow, my, my son is Colombian,
or Guatemalan.
Or you know, my family friendis Puerto Rican, you know so, um

(36:02):
, but I do feel nervoussometimes asking people.

Speaker 1 (36:06):
I think, I think, I think it's like we know the
approach, like the tone, likeyou said, shani.

Speaker 2 (36:12):
How do you ask?
Do you say what is your race?
Do you say what is yourethnicity?
Do you say what is your?
How do you ask I?

Speaker 1 (36:19):
prefer?
What is your ethnicity?
I feel like when people askwhere are you from?

Speaker 2 (36:24):
I've learned through the years, people say America
yeah, they don't want to knowthat I'm like.

Speaker 1 (36:28):
I live in Georgia, like they want to.
That's their way of askingEthnicity.
I prefer just to be I like.
I like honest and upfrontpeople.
Yeah, I don't like this wholeyou know sneak around the corner
.
I want to know just what's yourethnicity.
I'm proud to be Puerto Ricanand Dominican it's taboo,

(36:49):
unfortunately.
Rican and Dominican and I loveto say I'm Puerto Rican and
Dominican, like I have noproblems, I want I.
We are mysteries sometimesbecause we all come in different
shapes and sizes.
The only people that know thatI am Hispanic if they've been
around Hispanic people, andthat's black men.
The black men know a PuertoRican when they see her.
I go like random, like Iremember I was like a few, like

(37:10):
a year or two ago, at getting myold change down at a Jiffy Lube
.
He's like he looked at me.
He's like you, puerto Rican,aren't you?
I'm like I am.
He's like yeah, I knew it.
So there's some people that justcome out and I love it, because
if you just come out and justsay it, or if they're looking,
it's like what, like, what doyou make?
Like, what are you mixed with?
I've had that, I love that.

(37:31):
I don't like.
I don't like, where are you?
Where's the way?
Like just come at it andfucking ask me, yeah.

Speaker 2 (37:38):
Stop beating around the bush.
That's the kind of person youare, but not everybody's like
that and I'm ignorant to it.
Minorities are okay, like, likewhen you and mushka speak
spanish.

Speaker 1 (37:50):
I've heard both of you say that you guys speak
differently?

Speaker 2 (37:52):
we do, but to me, someone who doesn't speak
spanish, I would never know thatoh, yeah, I don't know that you
have a puerto rican accent orshe has a colombian accent.
You know what I'm saying andand I remember one time I'll
never forget it.
This was probably, like I don'tknow, eight years ago maybe,
and mushka was like.
The way leonette talks is sobeautiful, I'm like she's
speaking the same language asyou what do you mean it's very
different.
And she's like there's just away that Puerto Ricans talk like

(38:13):
a slang.
I think she used the word slang.

Speaker 1 (38:16):
It is very slang.

Speaker 2 (38:18):
Or maybe you used that word.

Speaker 1 (38:19):
We're very straight.
Somebody used the word slang.

Speaker 2 (38:22):
She was like the way her Spanish is so beautiful.

Speaker 1 (38:24):
I'm like she said that, because sometimes my
Spanish is very also American.

Speaker 2 (38:36):
So it's very nice from a authentic Colombian to
say that I don't, I don't knowthe difference.
So, therefore, like so,therefore, somebody who, who is
Hispanic, and if you're talkingto them in Spanish, they might
have an idea that you're poor.

Speaker 1 (38:44):
They do, they know.

Speaker 2 (38:45):
But as a white woman that speaks.
I had that last week.
Half black half white womanShit 5% black 5.

Speaker 3 (38:54):
You get out of zero after a few more.
I think it's funny becauseother Indian people don't know
I'm Indian, how it happens allthe time.
I'm from very, very south.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (39:08):
But isn't there different?
Very south, I don't know, verydeep south Maybe, because, but
isn't there different?

Speaker 2 (39:10):
I've heard you say things like there's different
levels, almost like a hierarchykind of.

Speaker 3 (39:17):
Oh, I mean that's in every state, but there's
different states in India andwe're all different.

Speaker 1 (39:22):
So they've never been to your state.
But didn't you say They'venever been to your state to see
that I think now.

Speaker 3 (39:28):
I'm from Kerala, k-e-r-a-l-a.
It's more rural.
They call it God's own countrybecause it's very green, and a
lot of other states have become.
That's what.

Speaker 1 (39:43):
Phillip says about Arkansas, but go ahead.
He says it all the time that'sGod's country.
I'm like okay, but go ahead.

Speaker 3 (39:54):
So because there's other regions who've become a
little bit more westernized orcertain.
So where I'm from, yes, itwasn't a popular tourist place,
but it has become that waybecause the food is different,
the culture is different,everything's different.
But when I, if I were to ask anIndian person because I know
that they're Indian, if I wereto say where are you from?

(40:14):
What I'm really asking is wherein India, yeah.
So usually they'll say India.
So you don't think I'm Indian.
And I will say, yes, I knowwhat part of India.
And then they will answer.

Speaker 1 (40:28):
And then they will answer, and then I will say I'm
from Kerala and they will belike, really Right as we were
talking about Spanish andculture, the phone rings and
Brianna Mushka, as she calls her, is her adopted grandmother.

(40:49):
It's actually her oldest son'sgreat-grandmother, and so she
has a really, really amazingrelationship with her.
But as we're talking aboutSpanish and how she appreciates
how I speak, she calls and solet's listen in on that
conversation.
Such a coincidence.
We did not do that on purpose.

Speaker 4 (41:12):
We're taking lunch with Abby here in the house.
What kind of?
Because I don't have a car.
What's your cup?
Oh, okay, I don't like that.
We bake and everything.

Speaker 1 (41:23):
Oh nice, we were just talking about you, mushka,
we're recording for the podcast,and we were just talking about
you.
We were just talking about you,mushka, we're recording for the
podcast, and we were justtalking about you.

Speaker 2 (41:31):
We were talking about how one time, because I was
telling Leonette that I can'tdifferentiate, like if
somebody's Hispanic, I know thatthey're Hispanic but I can't
tell where they're from.
But if I see somebody Hispanic,I want to know why.
Because if they say, oh, I'mfrom Colombia, I can say, oh, my
grandmother's from Colombia.
And then one time I rememberyou telling me that the way

(41:53):
Leonette talked, you were like Ilove her Spanish, the way she
talks, and I was like y'all arespeaking the same fucking
language.
What do you mean?
And you said it was different.

Speaker 1 (42:02):
It is different, it's very different.

Speaker 2 (42:03):
Because I only speak English for now.

Speaker 4 (42:08):
Everybody.
Other countries speak differentyeah.

Speaker 1 (42:11):
Yeah, every country has their own way of.

Speaker 4 (42:13):
Yes, you know, you are from Puerto Rico.
You are from.

Speaker 2 (42:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (42:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (42:19):
Yeah, and I think and I can't remember if it was you
or Leonette, but somebody saidthat hers was more like slang,
and I would never know that.

Speaker 1 (42:29):
Well, we cut off a lot of our syllables, so give me
a word that you would saydifferently than Mushka in
Spanish.

Speaker 2 (42:37):
Why are you putting me on the?

Speaker 1 (42:38):
spot like that.

Speaker 4 (42:39):
What's a word that?

Speaker 2 (42:40):
Leonette says differently than you in Spanish.

Speaker 4 (42:42):
I don't remember.
No, come on.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
I know Well some of like.
Okay, so some of like.
Vocabulary is different.

Speaker 2 (42:50):
Yes, so would it be considered like in English.
Would it be considered like asouthern accent versus a?

Speaker 1 (42:58):
Like, even as simple as like banana or like.
So in Puerto Rico we say forbeans we say arroz con
habichuelas, but some people sayfrijoles.

Speaker 2 (43:10):
Mishka says frijoles, so we say habichuela, yeah yeah
.

Speaker 4 (43:14):
We never call it frijoles, ever.
Habichuela for me is greenbeans Si.

Speaker 2 (43:18):
So, but, but, but okay.
So if Leonette said that to you, would you know she was talking
about like black people.

Speaker 4 (43:24):
Yeah, we are living here for 52 years and we have a
lot of Puerto Rican people,mexican people, yeah, peruvian
people around, so I understand,yeah, good to know.

Speaker 1 (43:35):
So we say a lot of things that are very different.
As far as like simple stuff,like car, we say carro.
So like for a bus, we sayguagua.

Speaker 2 (43:46):
What do you call a bus?
Mishka Bus, Bus.
So like for a bus we say guagua.
What do you call a bus, MishkaBus, bus, or bus.

Speaker 1 (43:51):
Yeah, let me get on that bus.
So like, for example, we sayfor a banana, we say guineo.
When I said guineo to a Mexicanperson, they thought it.
They call their bananasplatanos.
But I call platanos for me,platanos are the green, the
plantains, the plantains that wefry, maduros.

(44:12):
Or for me, platanos are thegreen, the plantains, the
plantains that we fry yeah, yeah, but my noodles for us is when
it becomes like sweet.
Yes, yeah, that's when we callit my noodles, so it's very
different.

Speaker 2 (44:19):
I thought that my noodles were the flat, salty
ones we call those tostones yesyes yes, I didn't know that.
I didn't know my sauce,postones and salsilla.

Speaker 4 (44:27):
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 (44:28):
So just something simple as that, but we still
understand.
And if I don't understand theword, then I just ask what you
talking about, willis.

Speaker 2 (44:37):
Well, thank you for that insight, Mushka.

Speaker 1 (44:39):
Mushka, do you want to be on my podcast, because we
just recorded you.

Speaker 2 (44:43):
Just is that part okay?

Speaker 1 (44:45):
It's only three minutes yeah.

Speaker 2 (44:48):
You could be fucking famous.

Speaker 1 (44:53):
What I need her to sign a waiver first.
No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 4 (44:56):
I love you Bree.
I love you too, michelle.
Love you too Bushka.

Speaker 1 (45:01):
Gloria Goodbye, gloria, bye, bye.
Love you baby.

Speaker 3 (45:07):
That was your grandma .

Speaker 2 (45:14):
It's a long story.
That is her son'sgreat-grandmother got it no yeah
, my son's great-grandmother, soit's my baby daddy number one's
grandma, yes, but she is alsomy grandma, yeah they're very,
very close very close.
We talk like five times a dayand that's why she just called
me three different times,because she saw me.

Speaker 1 (45:30):
Because you didn't answer yes.

Speaker 2 (45:31):
Yeah.
She will, if I don't answer,she'll blow me up.

Speaker 1 (45:34):
She will.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
I'm surprised she's not standing outside like this.

Speaker 1 (45:37):
Oh no.
And if she doesn't answer,she'll call me.
Yeah, and she'll't answer.
It's because she's passed outdrunk somewhere.

Speaker 2 (45:50):
Well, not recently Sometimes.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
No, not recently.
Sometimes I'm just like takinga shower.
No, no, no, I'm not talkingabout now, I'm talking about the
past, like in the pits of mywhen.

Speaker 2 (45:58):
I was in the trenches of my alcoholism.

Speaker 1 (46:02):
It's without answering, and that's not me I
always have my phone on me like,literally, it's tied to her
hand.
Yes, always so.

Speaker 2 (46:10):
So if I don't answer, she'll call me back to back, or
if I call her and she doesn'tanswer, and so I call somebody
else and I'm like oh well, I'malready talking to somebody else
, I'll call her later absolutelyno, you won't, because she's
gonna call you 15 more timesyeah, yeah, she's, she's very
concerned.

Speaker 1 (46:25):
Yes, she really ad, which is.
I don't know if we can get intothe dynamics of all of this,
probably not.
It's a very big family.
She has four kids her babydaddy's mother, which is her
daughter.
The reason we know brianna isbecause her, her baby daddy's
mom, worked in our practice, soso the dynamics are like she

(46:48):
doesn't like me, she doesn'tlike brie, she can't stand
brie's guts.
So it's interesting that hermother still interacts with us,
which is special special.

Speaker 3 (46:58):
Well, I mean sometimes the most random person
, and you may not be close withthem or you weren't.
Well, the reason they were inyour life was to bring someone.
That's how I feel.
Yeah, that's how I feel.
Stephanie, the person thatbrought us together.
Stephanie and people always askbecause we've traveled together

(47:20):
, we've done a lot of thingstogether and she has a million
friends and best friends.
But we met through a mutualfriend and they were neighbors
in her previous home.
They were neighbors and her andI the other, the friend, her and
I met through a mom's group andshe introduced us because she

(47:41):
said that we have a lot incommon and we'd get along.
And now we have been friendsfor years and we're not friends
with the person who introducedus.

Speaker 2 (47:51):
I mean, it's random, it's a weird dynamic and I'm a
firm believer in like.
You choose your own family,because I have my friends who I
love.
You know like friends, you knoweven close girlfriends who I
love, but then I have otherpeople who are truly my family,
yes and like although Mushka isnot my blood, she is truly my

(48:12):
grandmother.
I feel the same way and it'slike with Leonette and Dr Talley
.
I genuinely love her Like.
I know this sounds bad and shehates to hear it, but it's.
It's almost like equivalent tomy own mom and or a sister.

Speaker 1 (48:27):
I had her at 14, but it's a, it's a weird.

Speaker 2 (48:30):
I genuinely love Dr Talley more than I love my
biological dad I I.

Speaker 3 (48:35):
I 100% understand and on the same level, I'm closer
to to some people, to my friends, more than my own.

Speaker 2 (48:43):
yeah, some of my family members yes, family wise,
I have, like my true family.
I have my mom and my twosisters.
Okay, that's.
That's all I have in regards tofamily you have your drug
addicted father.
I, but I don't have him.

Speaker 1 (49:02):
You know what I mean, that's true.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
I genuinely don't have him.

Speaker 1 (49:05):
I got a whole ass family out there.
But you know You're not closeto them.

Speaker 2 (49:08):
No Like the people that I communicate with.
Well, my dad's, my dad's littlesister and I actually are back
in communication.
My aunt, who I lived with a fewtimes growing up communication,
um, my aunt, who I lived with afew times growing up, but but
really in my day-to-day life,like, I have my mom and my two
sisters and that's it as far asfamily goes.
But I have a dad, which is DrTalley, and I have a sister,

(49:33):
your beautiful older PuertoRican Dominican sister.
But, and so it's, it's.
Uh, I was thinking about it theother day, can you like looking
back?
So I found my mom has like analbum of photos of like
different people and she has analbum of pictures of me, and one
of the albums was from maddox'sfirst birthday oh my gosh, and,

(49:56):
and leonette and dr tally wereboth there and it was almost 12
years ago.

Speaker 1 (50:02):
Yeah, she sent a picture.
I was like, first of all, I'veaged amazing.
Because I am so much betterlooking now than I was then.
I had that typical mom lookShort bob.
I was like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
But then I was just, I was an employee, phillip
looked really cute though hedoes look young, yeah, but but
it's so funny looking back atthat picture.
At that time I was just anemployee to him and then they
were close friends with my son'sgrandmother at the time, so I

(50:41):
was just an employee to him.
And then just like this yeah,you know, her son's baby mama.

Speaker 4 (50:46):
You know what I mean, yeah.

Speaker 2 (50:47):
So it's just so funny how the year, like looking back
, I would have never pictured noUs being as close as C.

Speaker 3 (50:55):
You are now.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, the fact is, and justlike how you started off, the
the, the set is, you don't knowwhere you're going.

Speaker 1 (51:05):
Yeah, exactly, it's true.
You see, and that's what I mean.
Maddox is going to be 12, soand just and just say it's even
been I well, I met you guysbefore.

Speaker 2 (51:21):
I was pregnant Exactly, but.

Speaker 1 (51:22):
I feel like our closeness has come even I don't
know maybe like nine, 10 yearsmaybe, maybe even less than that
.

Speaker 2 (51:32):
I would say probably like eight or nine yeah.

Speaker 1 (51:34):
So that's a good point, shiny Cause, you just
don't know.
You see how it is right now.

Speaker 3 (51:39):
You can't see into the future and I want you to
know that fear is a liar, yeah,and having anxious feelings and
all that is so normal and I havestruggled my whole adult life

(52:00):
with it for really bad, and Ifinally have a grip and I think
the grip is that I it's faith,yeah, not fear faith over fear
and believing that everything isgoing to be okay.
Yeah, and having and, and, and,even my it's.
It's not only me believing it.
I know it will, because if itdoesn't, I'll still be okay.

(52:24):
Yeah, so I think that is myprayer for you.

Speaker 2 (52:29):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (52:35):
I mean the way I look at things.
When I'm feeling down, first ofall, I have to like look around
and see that I woke up, I'mwalking, I have a home, I have
food to eat, yeah, and I know itfeels like a struggle sometimes
for you, but you have to seewhere you've come from, like you
literally have to sit down andsee.
Even I even go back to like,wow, I was this little girl born
in Puerto Rico, two teenageparents that had no business

(53:00):
having a baby.
You know, they were forced toget married because my grandma's
Catholic and she's like well,you guys have to get married
because we can have a baby onthe way.
I could have stayed in PuertoRico.
I could have lived thatlifestyle, because where we're
from, it's not the touristyparts that people see um to
where I am now.

(53:20):
Never when I had Caitlin at 21,never did I envision my life the
way it is now.
Did I want it to be this way?
Of course I did, but did Ithink it was realistic at that
time?
No, I did not, if I was beinghonest with myself.
And so I always when I'mfeeling down, because even with
all the things that you seearound here.
You know I still get down onmyself and feel like I need to

(53:44):
be somewhere else, and I knowyour situation is way different,
but I've been there where youjust feel like you're in a hole,
that it's dark, you're alone,you have this child.
You have to be connected to thebaby daddy for forever.
You have to be connected to thebaby daddy for forever.
And so I remember that andfeeling like this is it?

(54:04):
This freaking sucks and this isit.
And I would just sit and cryand cry and cry.
I cried for like two years.
It seemed like Now how old Imarried Phillip when she was
four.
So like for three years I justcried and I'm like this is a
shitty life.
What did I do?

Speaker 2 (54:25):
Because really it was our decisions that brought us
to where we are and that's wherea lot of the frustration comes
from like why that's the hardestI knew this part to grasp, yeah
because even like in mysituation now, maddox, when I
had my oldest, I was able togive myself a little bit more
grace because I was literally achild, you know.
So so I'm like.
But but now I'm having a hardertime forgiving myself for
choices that I made, because youknow, I'm 30 and I I I didn't

(54:50):
play the tape all the waythrough.
I guess I wanted of that familydynamic so bad and so.
I'm so angry with myself, but inthe same, in the same breath,
like I'm, I'm thankful, becauseI can't imagine my life without
my son and I love him so much.

Speaker 1 (55:07):
But but I'm like I, I love him so much that it still
hurts, because I don't want himto grow up the way that, but you
don't know if that's gonnahappen, like you don't really
know what's going to, what'sgoing to transpire.
What you need to start doing isI know you're crying it out
when you're by yourself and andand that's you should.

(55:30):
I mean this is a shittysituation, but you need to start
like making decisions today asto what the future looks like
and you do have control overthat.
And, like Shiny said, you haveto let that fear go you really
do and stop looking back andshoulda, coulda, wouldas,
because we can't change it.

(55:50):
That is such a tormenting likeI did it for years Like you're
just like shoulda, coulda,woulda, and it's just you're.
You're just in this constantcycle.
As soon as I drop that.
And I think when I startedtalking on this podcast is when
I truly started thinking, okay,stop harping on the fucking past
.
Like, get over it.
You can't change it.

(56:11):
So what?
Like look at my life now.
What can I do to like stopharping on the past?
We can't't change it.
And once I startedunderstanding that I can't
change it, I look at it to learnthe lessons.
What do I want to move forwardwith?
What don't I want to moveforward with?
That's what we need to thinkabout.

(56:32):
With the past, I'm so much moreat peace.
I don't cry as much because Iwould cry all the time.
And Phillip's like what thehell is wrong with you.
Even my mom's like your life isso beautiful.
I'm like I know, but on theinside I just feel so empty and
so like lost.
It's because I'm ruminating onshit that I can't change.

Speaker 3 (56:51):
And give yourself credit.
Yeah, you are way ahead of thegame because you are self-aware.
Exactly Only 15%, I think.
After the fact I'm self-awareafter the fact?

Speaker 1 (57:05):
No, but you're self-aware about your
Involvement, exactly yourresponsibility.

Speaker 3 (57:10):
Yes, the fact that you feel bad.
There are people walking aroundtoday that think they're
self-aware and that thinkeverything is everybody else's
fault and problem.
Yeah, you've got this yes we'regonna.

Speaker 1 (57:26):
We're gonna be talking about this five years
from now, 10 years from now, andyou're gonna look back and
we're just gonna laugh about howfar you've come.
Can't wait.
We're gonna be somewheredrinking our non-alcoholic
martinis.
Cbd and just enjoying life,like I really see it for you and
I keep saying that and I amgoing to keep saying it because

(57:48):
I believe it for you.
I hope so, and if you makeanother stupid-ass decision,
I'll punch you in the face.
I know, okay, I won't punch youbecause your face is too pretty
.

Speaker 2 (57:58):
I'll be really angry, I'll be very upset with you.
Yeah, I think I've learned mylesson.

Speaker 1 (58:07):
I think how we should end is on that video that you
sent me, shiny, which I thinkpertains to where we are in our
lives.
We're growing, the three of us.
We are wanting to surroundourselves with amazing people.
People lift us up, not peoplethat bring us down.
And shiny sent me a video um,she sends me so many awesome

(58:27):
videos.
I'm just like, yes, I'm gonnaconquer the world but um this
one's about negative people.

Speaker 3 (58:33):
So so what I gathered from it because it's been a
minute since I've probably sentyou 100 other things after that
but it was this study.
They call it the bad appleeffect and they put a person in
groups of five and they put aperson in the groups, a few of

(58:58):
the groups, and that person isthe bad apple, meaning that
person exudes negative energy.
They drain you all the thingsthat we're going to say real
quick.

Speaker 1 (59:11):
And then and everyone else is positive, right.

Speaker 3 (59:14):
And then there's the other groups, and everybody's
positive, and the amount ofgrowth that came from the groups
that cheered each other on,were there for each other,
validated each other, liftedeach other up, thrived immensely
.
And the groups that are fivepeople that means four other

(59:37):
people are still survivors,thrivers, ready to endure
anything but that one bad seed,who is the negative, nelly, who
is the Debbie Downer.
All of that brought them down.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
The whole group one person that one negative person
brings those four other peopledown.
Group one person that onenegative person brings those
four other people down.
So that just shows how, howcontrolling a negative energy
can be.
I'm done with that.

Speaker 3 (01:00:07):
And thoughts and thoughts like negative thoughts
and because I'm I am perpetuateabout every and I realize I
can't stop it.
It's something that I'll haveto continue retraining myself is
I'm innately so harsh to myselfand I know you see, you're here

(01:00:29):
and see little bits of it thatI will let out and I am really
even trying to intentional notto but the amount that you don't
hear.
It's bad and it's become myself-talk for many, many reasons
, and I'll get into that inlength some other time but it

(01:00:52):
it's so hard to tell myself Ican do it and I caught myself.
I was heading to yoga thisweekend.
I think I don't remember whatday it was this weekend, I think
it was Sunday.
I was heading to yoga and I hada really, really busy weekend
and one of my questions for youguys was how was your weekend?
But it was really because Iwanted to talk about mine.

(01:01:12):
But I love it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:21):
I love it, the honesty I love it.

Speaker 1 (01:01:22):
I know she's like.
I just really want to tell youabout mine.

Speaker 2 (01:01:24):
That's typically the intention a lot of times.

Speaker 4 (01:01:27):
Yeah, but people ask they're like yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:01:29):
Well, I ask because I want to know about your weekend
.

Speaker 3 (01:01:33):
So on Sunday heading to yoga, I out loud in my car I
was saying Shani, you are good,you got this.
Like you, you're nice.
I had, I said this, these cornystatements that like look at my
water bottle yeah, that I have.

Speaker 1 (01:01:52):
She has stickers on her water bottle.
You are gentle, you arepeaceful.

Speaker 3 (01:01:57):
You are loved Because my personal narrative if I
started telling you it, would bea downer.
It's horrible what I do tomyself and this is not
self-inflicted, unfortunately.
I have given off some type ofvibe that people should tell me

(01:02:21):
exactly what they're thinkingabout me, or how I should be
leading my life, or what I'mdoing wrong, or and and be very
raw and and mean I.
I have somehow given off a vibethat you can tell me all these

(01:02:41):
things.

Speaker 4 (01:02:43):
And you'll take it.

Speaker 3 (01:02:54):
And the truth is it's because I can still
persistently, intentionally andmindfully still stay positive,
not only about other people andtheir lives, but but about mine,
and that I'll be okay Because Ihave.
I mean, I used to throw myselfa monthly pity party.

(01:03:16):
I mean it was usually a partyof one but, anybody could be
invited, anybody could come, andI no longer do that anymore
because it was so bad for me.

Speaker 2 (01:03:27):
Well, if you get bored and you want to attend
mine?
Mine are once a day.

Speaker 1 (01:03:30):
Not once a day, Damn she's like.
I'll see you once a month toonce a day.

Speaker 3 (01:03:38):
Girl, you know if I could tell you what I see in you
, I know I mean I could go on.

Speaker 2 (01:03:44):
I know we see the same thing, but go ahead.

Speaker 3 (01:03:46):
So what I was saying is that I had so much gratitude
and I hope I have time to sharethis, but I have so much
gratitude for my culture and myupbringing this weekend and I
needed that, because whatbrought that on, would you say?
So I have.

(01:04:07):
I've been very conflictedbecause I am, I'm Indian, I'm
South Indian, so I'm you know,I'm darker, I've got curly hair,
I've got a big butt and a smile.
I don't know thecharacteristics.
That sounds phenomenal.
I know I'm darker, I've gotcurly hair, I've got a big butt
and a smile.

Speaker 4 (01:04:20):
I don't know the characteristics, that sounds
phenomenal.

Speaker 2 (01:04:21):
I know I'm like wait isn't that in a rap song
somewhere?
Dark skin, curly hair, big buttand a good smile Shit, Sign me
up.

Speaker 3 (01:04:30):
But I was never proud of it.
I think there were momentsbecause I studied our classical
dance and music and I was veryinvolved, but I think because it
was forced and it wasn't bychoice and you know the friends

(01:04:52):
I grew up with and in 2020, whenI realized not everyone is that
nice to me and some of them,unfortunately, are some of what
were some of my Indian friendsand I had to like let them go.
I kind of had this fear alittle bit.

Speaker 2 (01:05:09):
Were they?
I'm sorry, were the Indianfriends that weren't nice to you
?
Were they also South Indian orwere they from a different part
of India?

Speaker 3 (01:05:15):
They were actually South Indian as well, and I it
was, and you guys were veryclose.

Speaker 1 (01:05:22):
Yes, because when I met you, I met them and it was
like a tight group.

Speaker 3 (01:05:26):
Yes, and I actually introduced all of them to each
other, oh damn.
And so now they're a group andI'm a party of one.

Speaker 2 (01:05:35):
Three I know I was going to say well, what are we?
What are we?

Speaker 3 (01:05:46):
No, I meant of the, of the, of the Indy and I,
because so this weekend I had anevent to go to that my friend
had been planning for months andmonths and months.
She's Indian and we and I haveactually like two Indian friends
from Gavin and Dylan's choirand we've become friendly over
over time and I really like them, and so she was throwing this
big event and I remember tellingone of my friends who knows
Indian people and I said I'mgoing to this big event.

(01:06:06):
I wish you could come with me.
It's like black tie, it's alldressy, you get to wear the
clothes and I know you wouldlove it to be my friend to come
with me.
And she's like is this like oneof those Indian events where
they're just really like showingoff how amazing their kids are?
I said you know we do like todo that, but I don't think that

(01:06:29):
that's what this is.

Speaker 1 (01:06:30):
Wait you guys have those kinds of parties where you
show off your children.

Speaker 3 (01:06:36):
So I grew up where, when anyone came to my house,
the living room turns into ashow.
I'm dancing, I'm literally, Ihave videos of this I'm like.
I'm performing for them, I'mplaying the piano, I'm yeah, oh,
you're the entertainment.
Yeah, the free entertainment.
Okay, yeah, that's how I grewup.

(01:06:56):
So anyways, I said I don't knowyet, I'm not exactly sure what
the program is, but my friend,she invited 600 people.
But you know Indian events, wedo it big 600 people, you guys
know a lot of people.

Speaker 2 (01:07:14):
I couldn't even invite six people.
I know I'm like I don't evenknow if I know 600 people?

Speaker 1 (01:07:19):
Yes, you do do.
I know a lot of people, but 600, so it's a little steep.
Okay, so you know my weddingwas 540.

Speaker 3 (01:07:27):
Yeah, that's insane 540.
We invited, I think, like 850that's very normal so she had a
lot of people she was inviting.
So, anyways, and I dressedeverybody up.
I actually dressed three of myfriends up and it was really fun
.
So my point was, when I got, wegot there, it was a three hour
event.
They get, you know, we always,always have food at our events.

(01:07:47):
That's, I would say, a prettynational Indian thing too.
And, and her, her kids, aresuper talented.
So her son sang, sang andperformed and her, her daughter
played the guitar.
So they performed a lot.
But what, what?
What it really was is theyhonored all of the teachers over

(01:08:10):
the years that put music intotheir kids.
Oh, that's cool.
And they they call, you knowcalled them up and gave them
like a gift, and flowers and,like a Indian, like put it on a
shawl over their shoulders, andthen they even honored all the

(01:08:31):
musicians that were up on stagethat played for them.
And so my friends, of course,are just in awe.
And I said this is one of thosethings that I am so happy that
people who aren't Indian get tosee, because this program really
, yes, it, you see their kidsperforming the whole time and,

(01:08:52):
yes, they're amazingly talentedand great.
But really what it was about washonoring all the amazing
teachers who give their time,effort, energy and love and
passion and make our kids whatthey are.
And that made me proud, becausein growing up, my mom told me

(01:09:13):
she was a nurse, but she told meshe wanted to be a teacher and
I, of course, my whole life.
I asked like why?
Why?
But in where, where we're fromin India, when you are a teacher
, you are called teacher yourwhole life, even after you're
done, just like here in Americahow they call someone a doctor,
even if they're not retired, andthere's that amount of respect.

(01:09:34):
And I feel like that was the onepart of peace that I don't see
here, unfortunately, is likethat high, utmost respect for
our teachers.
Our teachers are treated likeshit.
And I felt like like so manyfeelings because I was so proud
for people to see because,unfortunately, teachers, yes,

(01:09:58):
are underappreciated,undervalued, underpaid, up to
you know, out to slaughter, likeall these things, and they are
so amazing.
They give everything.
So I just wanted to share, Ireally wanted to share that
because I just I had so muchgratitude for that cultural

(01:10:18):
tribute that they did.
I segued the conversation so Icould talk about my weekend, but
I really, really wanted toshare it with you guys.
I think it's beautiful yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:10:29):
And we will leave you with this quote.

Speaker 3 (01:10:31):
The degree to which a person can grow is direction
directionally proportional tothe amount of truth he can
accept about himself withoutrunning away.

Speaker 1 (01:10:44):
Love it.
Love it Until next time.
Thank you so much for listeningto Virago 24-7.
If you haven't done so already,go ahead and hit that subscribe
button and please give us fivestar ratings.
Also, don't forget to follow uson Instagram, at Virago247, and

(01:11:08):
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