October 25, 2023 • 64 mins
Feeling trapped and stagnate in life is a common experience, but one with multitudes of hidden meanings behind it. On this episode of Virago 24/7, we pull back the veil on these feelings, revealing how they often stem from a sense of lost control.
Fear of others' opinions can be paralyzing and often leads to feelings of confinement. Join us as we tackle this fear head-on, sharing strategies to regain control of our lives and emotions. Throughout the journey, the embrace of mindfulness, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes, and the process of building self-confidence come to the forefront.
Finally, we reveal the key to finding happiness even in the midst of feeling trapped. It's about creating something that sparks joy, practicing introspection, and above all, taking the reins of our own decisions. As a bonus, we share details of our upcoming event, Evolve with Virago 24/7, a gathering for growth and healing warriors. So, tune in for a transformative exploration and remember, you're not stuck, you're just in the brave process of change.
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/evolve-with-virago-247-tickets-715973645447?aff=oddtdtcreator
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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!
Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are
listening to Virago 24/7.
Virago is Latin for femalewarrior and 24/7 is for all day,
every day.
Virago 24/7 is a weekly podcastthat brings diverse women
together to talk about life andour experiences in this world.
We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage,
(00:24):
children, friendships and reallyanything that needs to be
talked about.
Here you will find everydaygrowth, everyday healing with
everyday warriors.
What up, what up, what up?
(00:46):
It's me, lt.
How's it going?
Everybody, I'm doing great,actually Doing very well, no
complaints.
My thoughts are doing well.
Kaylin is doing well.
If you've been listening, youknow that I've been talking
about Kaylin and us bumpingheads and certain things that
(01:12):
we've gone through together thepast few months, but she's back
at school and when we speak toher and when she's texting she
sounds fantastic.
I'm sure she has her down days,but overall it's been good.
It's been good to talk to herand she's been excited about
(01:35):
school and this week they haveat SCAD, they have a film
festival for the week and theyhave celebrities come in and
talk and producers and editors.
She was just so excited toshare the people that she was
able to sit and listen to Allgood things everybody.
(01:58):
Maybe next month we'll have adifferent story, but I'm just
kidding.
No, we're staying positive,darn it.
We're staying positive.
Everything's good, we're doingwell.
I wanted to come on and talkbecause I like to talk and I
(02:19):
always find things to talk about, but lately the same kind of
topic keeps coming up.
I was like, let me startreading a little bit more about
this.
It's when someone feels stuckin their life or stuck in
something or I've heard recently, there's nothing I can do about
(02:44):
it.
I just feel stuck.
I looked up synonyms for thatbecause I'm like there's
something inside me that gets alittle bit kind of not triggered
, but a little bit like mm.
People love to say that they'restuck, but we all have freedom
of choice and we'll get intothat.
The synonyms for stuck aretrapped, caged, constrained,
(03:11):
captive, unempowered, paralyzed.
It's like we feel like we'renot in control of what's going
on around us.
I have, too, felt stuck in mylife.
I felt stuck when I was asingle mom.
I felt stuck when I was alittle, growing up with certain
(03:36):
situations.
I didn't have any control overthat.
I have felt stuck, if I'm goingto be honest, in my marriage.
At times I love Philip, I lovemy husband, but there have been
times where it's like, don'treact, lynette.
Maybe I have to think about thepositives of the situation and
not focus on the negative.
(03:57):
I have felt stuck when I was astay-at-home mom.
There's been different stagesof my life where, yes, you feel
stuck and you have to look atthings from a wider lens and see
it differently.
There's been some friends thatI have been talking to lately
(04:17):
and it's separate to separatepeople, different situations.
As far as them feeling stuckand me feeling like, no, you're
not stuck.
Deciding to make a choice or toget out of a situation or to
(04:43):
just change in general can be soscary and so frightening.
I get that.
It is because if you're used toa certain way of life, even
though you're not happy the waythings are going, it's scarier
to think about the unknown.
So I get it.
(05:04):
However, I feel like we need tochange the way we say it.
You're not stuck.
You are not stuck.
No one is telling you.
You need to be where you are.
Making a change is frighteningand it can be difficult and it's
going to alter.
It may alter your wholeuniverse when people say they're
(05:29):
stuck.
Something inside me is like no,it's just going to be hard.
It's going to be hard, butyou're not stuck.
Let's reframe what we tellourselves when we say we're
stuck in a situation.
However, I try to listen.
I am a good listener and I feellike that's why people talk to
me and open up to me.
(05:50):
I try not to give too manyopinions when they're not really
wanting it, but when that comesup, I'm just like no, no, ma'am
, no, sir, we're not stuck.
We were at brunch.
(06:10):
I was at brunch with twofriends like two weeks ago and
we're talking about Kaelin andthere's just so many things that
I'm so passionate about.
And we're talking about Kaelinand just giving an update,
because everybody always wantsto know how she's doing, and
just me realizing that I have tofind a different way of
(06:33):
approaching and speaking andwhen to speak, when not to speak
.
As moms, we just want to justgive it all to our children, all
the opinions and all the things, and sometimes we just have to
hold back and sit back and letthem do their thing, especially
when they're quote unquoteadults.
She's a legal adult.
(06:54):
However, if anyone has a 22year old or anybody in their
early 20s, we know that they'renot fully developed.
That conversation come up and mefeeling like I have to watch
what I say, which can be hard,but I can do this, I could do
(07:15):
this.
But what my friends said whenwe're talking about all this is
she's like you, lynette, are thetype of person.
I wish I could remember whatshe said verbatim, but we're
going to paraphrase here.
So she was saying that I she'slike you're the kind of person
that expects everyone to be asindependent as you and as as
(07:43):
capable and trying to rememberthe words.
But basically, like, I know inmy heart that I can take care of
myself, that I can do hardthings, that it doesn't mean
that I don't cry, it doesn'tmean that I am not sad, it
doesn't mean any of that.
I just know that I am capableof doing things and taking care
(08:08):
of myself, and so I just assumethat everyone should be that way
.
So she basically was telling methat I need to meet people where
their independent status is.
If pumping gas is them beingindependent, then I need to be
(08:30):
okay with them being excitedabout that or being empowered by
that, or going to the bank andopening up a bank account that
you know for me that somethingso simple, but for somebody else
it's empowering.
So those are very likesuperficial examples.
But I'm like, yeah, you'reright, I do Hold women to a high
(08:55):
standard, because I know thatwe are f in powerful beings,
that we are strong, that we haveway more that we can do.
We don't even know is within us.
I just know that we all havesomething so special and inside
(09:17):
of us that if we just tappedinto it, if we healed, if we
grew, if we, if we purged theshit, if we were Introspective,
if we were all these things, wecould be so awesome.
All of us, every single one ofus, and some of us don't choose
to grow because you have toUnload hard things and sad
(09:39):
things, maybe from our past.
So I get it.
Not everyone's on the same path.
But when she said that and Iwish I could have remembered
everything verbatim, but that'sthe gist of it I was like yes,
yes, so maybe I have issues andI need to like down.
But no, it's, it's, it's, it'ssomething that she wasn't trying
(10:00):
to.
She's like I'm.
It wasn't offensive or anything.
It just was like, yes, you'reright, you put it beautifully
that I do expect More and thenwhen I don't, it's just like,
girl, like you can do this, whatare we doing?
Like let's cry it out, butlet's like pick ourselves up and
let's get the shit done.
So that was interesting.
But in talking about that, I'vehad conversations with friends
(10:25):
recently about them feelingstuck.
And then that littleconversation is the back of my
head like, all right, lena,don't be too harsh, but no,
we're not stuck.
I think what I get from talkingto my friends that feels stuck,
it's big stuff.
(10:47):
So it's not somethingsuperficial, it's a big.
It would be big changes andPeople would know about it.
Once they make this decision,everyone is going to know about
it and I think that's what getspeople staying stuck, because
they are paying attention andworried about what other people
(11:12):
are thinking about them.
So if I make this big change inmy life, what are people going
to say?
What are they gonna say aboutme?
What are they gonna think aboutme?
Now I get that I'm an ex peoplepleaser and I understand that as
humans we do care about whatpeople think.
(11:33):
But I have learned and there'salways going to be somebody
because of their perspective andthe way they grew up, there's
always going to be someone who'sgoing to have an opinion about
you or won't agree or talk shitabout you behind your back.
(11:54):
I have learned that that is notmy problem.
And at that same branch, youknow, when I was talking, we
were talking about deep stuff,so just being empowered, and and
the one friend you know who'sfeeling stuck, she, she's
(12:14):
worried about what people aregoing to say and I'm like, well,
so what?
So if they say that, what'sgonna hurt my feelings?
Who cares?
First of all, you don't evencare Enough or respect the peace
.
Some of these people that you'retalking about, that you're
afraid they're gonna saysomething.
First of all, you don't respectthem.
So why Are you allowing theirwords to have so much power over
(12:40):
you?
I understand when you're in themidst of it just seems so
overwhelming.
But that goes back to just likeknowing who you are.
And even as we're sitting there, I'm like I bet you there's
someone out there, right thesecond, talking shit about me,
Leonette.
And here I am having thiswonderful brunch, drinking my
(13:03):
champagne and having thisawesome conversation with two
lovely ladies, and I don't care.
I have learned to have theconfidence.
It's taken a long, long, longtime, but I have learned to know
who I am.
When you stand firm in who youare, it does not matter what
(13:25):
everyone is saying about you,whether it's good or whether
it's bad.
You know, even when people arepumping me up makes me feel
uncomfortable.
I'm just being who I am and Igive a shit.
I don't give a shit what Peopleout there are saying about me
and they could be saying At thisvery moment right now as I'm
talking about this, talking crapabout me, and I honestly I'm
(13:48):
not saying this Flippingly Ihonestly have come to a point in
my life that I really do notCare.
Now, if you're like my bestfriend and we have issues and
you come to me, that's moreconstructive criticism and
that's more like let's have aconversation.
But these are people that Idon't Interact with anymore,
(14:09):
that are not in my life.
Maybe they're just anacquaintance that I say hi to at
the grocery store.
Those are the people that I'mtalking about.
I don't care.
I don't care if I make this bigyou know this big decision and
they're over there talking aboutme.
They don't know me, they don'tknow my life.
We need to stop caring whatother people are going to think,
(14:30):
because who's suffering is you.
You're staying stuck becauseyou care about what these people
are going to say.
If you unstuck yourself Unstuck, I don't know, I think it's
unstick, unstick yourself.
So we spend so much energyworrying about how others will
(14:53):
see us and what others willthink of us, so we stay stuck
and it's to our detriment.
If you say it out loud soundsvery, very, very crazy.
So I found an article you know Ilove me some articles Psych
(15:18):
central dot com and I was likehmm, how do we stop not caring
what other people think?
Because step one we have tostop not caring.
Well, first of all, step one islike work on who we are, be
confident who you are, know whoyou are deep down inside,
(15:41):
because Then when someone sayssomething that's contradictory
and the people around you thatknow you and love you and know
your heart Aren't going to beaffected by what this individual
over here, you know, in thestreets are saying about you.
We don't care about that.
So Get yourself the steam, knowwho you are and let's talk
(16:04):
about why we don't care and whywe shouldn't care what other
people are thinking.
That way we can move on to howdo we get unstuck.
So, psych central dot com, Ifound this article and it's tips
to soothe your worries of whatothers think of you.
First of all, let's see If youare a person that cares what
(16:31):
other people think, because itsays here, listening to our
friends concerns is differentthan worrying about every little
thing someone thinks of us.
So here are some indicatorsthat the opinions of others
might be harmful to you and yourmental health.
You change yourself in responseto criticism, regardless of what
(16:51):
it is and who it comes from.
You let other people makedecisions for you.
You don't set or maintainboundaries.
You're a perfectionist.
You hold your tongue if youropinion differs from everyone
else's.
Your peace of mind relies onapproval from others.
(17:12):
You're constantly apologizing,even when you did nothing wrong,
and you rarely say no, soanswered yes to any of those.
How can you get unstuck fromworrying about how those people
perceive you?
Number one there's 10 on thelist Expect and accept that
(17:36):
people will have opinions of you.
And it says there's no use intrying to avoid any and all
judgment.
It's simply impossible.
For better or worse, assessingother people is a natural part
of social interaction.
So prepare yourself ahead oftime for people to have their
(17:57):
opinions.
A simple mental reminder thatothers will have perceptions of
you, even some that may beinaccurate, can help you let
incoming critiques roll off yourback and, with a little work,
is taking me about to be 44 in afew days, so it's probably
(18:19):
taken me about 40 years from thetime I was born, I think.
Once I hit my 40s I was likeyou know what, I don't give two
Fs about what people say aboutme, but it's taken a lot of
reading, a lot of crying, a lotof deep soul searching to get
there.
So, but it's very possible.
It really really is, guys, andit's so freeing.
(18:39):
Once you get here, to the otherside, I'm like why didn't I do
this before?
But you know what?
Here we are.
We're not going to shit akudakuda wudah wudah.
I don't like that.
We're not going to shit akudakuda wudah.
I'm here now and we're going tobe happy about that, all right.
Next, take back control overyour own feelings.
Other people might have pooropinions about you, but that
(19:01):
doesn't have to translate intodifficult emotions.
They are not the same.
While you can't control howeveryone perceives you, you can
lessen your worry and anxietyover it.
So it says consider practicingmindfulness techniques, which
I've started and I've talkedabout it.
This is all about staying inthe present and being aware of
(19:25):
and accepting how you feel inthat moment.
So learning to be in the momentcan help you cope with those
unwanted feelings and thoughts.
So mindfulness can bemeditation, yoga, breathing
exercises.
If you are a loyal listener,you know I liked my meditation
and I do my breathing exercisesto prevent panic attacks.
(19:47):
Yoga has not been my thingbecause I am used to crossfit
and the weights and bigmovements and yoga is smaller
movements.
However, what was it?
I think it was early September.
I went on a trip with one of myfriends.
(20:12):
We went to Hilton Head and itwas a resort there and very
health conscious.
A lot of women that haveretired.
They go there often, so a lotof the women that were there
have been there multiple times,and so it was really fun to talk
to these women and learn alittle about them.
But it was about portioncontrol.
(20:32):
The food was included.
You had to go at a certain timeto eat.
The snacks were healthy, thefood was healthy.
It was very, very healthy,healthy, healthy and they had a
lot of exercise classes.
We did low impact typeexercises.
We signed up for yoga and,surprisingly, it was just me and
(20:57):
my friend that had signed upfor it.
It felt very private, like aprivate yoga class, and it was
on the beach in the morning asthe sun was rising and the ocean
was right there.
It was heavenly and themovements I had done before, but
they were very simple and Idon't know if it's because I was
on the ocean and it was just sopeaceful and serene that I'm
(21:22):
like you know what, maybe Ishould try yoga again.
Maybe I was taking advancedclasses and I felt overwhelmed
by them, but the simplemovements and the breathing, and
maybe she was just a goodinstructor, I don't know.
But something clicked and I'mlike I need to start doing more
yoga, because it was verymindful and you had to be in the
(21:43):
moment, you had to do your bodymove and I had never really
experienced that.
Every time I've done yoga I'mlike this is like ugh, but I
think, looking back, it'sbecause I was doing advanced
moves and I just want to relaxand be mindful.
I don't need to like stand onmy head, I don't need to do all
that, all right.
(22:04):
Next, remember that everybodymakes mistakes.
Perfection is impossible, soexpecting it is futile.
More important, judgment forfailing to attain perfection is
unproductive, unfair andcompletely unhelpful.
So keep in mind that anyone whothinks badly of you for making
(22:26):
some small slip up has mademistakes themselves, plus making
mistakes at work or in personalrelationships.
Personal relationships can bean important part of self growth
.
Look at them as learningopportunities and being human.
So I think that's a lot oftimes why we care so much.
We don't want people to look atus like we have flaws oh my
(22:49):
gosh.
Oh no, listen, we all haveflaws and it's okay.
We were not created to beperfect and once we remove that
word from our vocabulary, lifecan be so much smoother and you
(23:10):
just give yourself a little bitmore grace, a lot more grace
when you realize that you're notmeant to do everything
perfectly.
Next, develop your sense of selfand build confidence.
That's my big one.
Woo woo, that's my big one.
That I was talking about.
Self confidence.
Building sense of self, knowingwho you are is so important.
(23:35):
I have not known who I was andyou're all over the place with
your emotions.
You don't know how to controlthem because you don't really
know who you are.
You're not confident in who youare and it's not fun.
It's not fun you allow whatpeople say affect you and affect
(23:58):
the way you live and thechoices you make.
It is no fun.
Everybody it's no fun.
Practicing self reflection canbe a powerful tool for building
a strong identity.
Take time to ask yourself somedifficult questions who am I?
What do I care about?
(24:18):
What do I enjoy?
Developing a value system isalso important to providing a
strong foundation to live yourlife on.
People may critique yourbeliefs or actions, but if
they're grounded in your values,the criticism is less likely to
stick.
Confidence building anddeveloping a sense of self go
(24:38):
hand in hand.
Being confident in who you areand what you stand for will
boost your self-esteem andwillingness to ignore the haters
.
Got to say it like that thehaters.
Next on the list is don't try tomind read, you're probably
wrong, gosh.
This goes back to the fouragreements, where it's like
(25:00):
assume, assume, assume, assume,assume, assume, assume, assume,
gosh.
We humans love to assume things.
So it says.
Research suggests that whilemost people have some idea of
how they're perceived by others,they still have major blind
spots.
People will associate traitswith you that you've never even
considered.
The researchers found that themost well-adjusted and
(25:23):
emotionally stable people havethe least amount of insight into
what people think of them.
It's an indication thatconstantly worrying what other
people think is not onlystressful but also not helpful.
And with social media that'sreally hard.
If you're someone who posts oryou're really active on social
(25:44):
media and you get negativecomments, I'm sure that's very
hurtful.
But if you know who you are andyou know where you stand on
things and you're confident inthat, then who cares?
Let them keep talking.
Smack, all right.
(26:05):
Consider the source.
This is what I told my friend.
Consider the source.
Why, if you don't respect thesepeople, do you give a damn what
they're saying about you?
They could say it to your face,they could say it behind your
back.
You shouldn't care because youdon't even respect their
opinions.
Anyways, let them.
If they're going to be thathateful or that strong in their
(26:30):
opinions, let them.
Let them.
It's not your problem.
It's not your problem.
I don't care if it's family.
I don't care if it's friends.
Well, if it's friends, then youneed to kick them out your life
.
Family is harder to kick out.
I understand.
I'm not here trying to telleveryone to kick family out of
your lives, but it mean, ifthey're saying something, yes,
(26:53):
mm-hmm, yeah, mm-hmm, just don'tengage, just walk away.
So consider the source.
Caring about what people thinkof you is natural, but some
people's opinions are much moreimportant than others and should
be treated as such.
A family member saying thatyour behavior negatively affects
them or a boss expressingconcern with your work can be
(27:13):
helpful.
A random stranger complainingthat you don't smile enough is
not Keep it moving.
Next is know that you'reusually your own worst critic,
and isn't that the truth, mygoodness?
Especially women I don't knowabout men, but women we have
this running narrative in ourhead Constant, constant,
(27:37):
constant, constant.
And if we don't fill it withpositivity and try to read not
that every aspect of our livesis gonna have to be positive, in
roses and rainbows and candiesand unicorns, I understand that,
but try to feel it as much asyou can with things that are
(27:58):
gonna fill you with hope andpositivity and joy and happiness
, something that you can hold onto throughout the day, because
shit will always hit the fanShip will slap you across the
face, but we have to becausewe're already gonna be our own
worst critic, always.
(28:18):
So, it says.
A research paper tells us thatwe often believe people judge us
much more harshly than theyactually are.
In reality, we're often muchharder on ourselves than other
people, and we also tend tothink that one slip-up will mar
how people perceive us for good.
While it's true that firstimpressions can have a
(28:40):
long-lasting impact, one mistakeis unlikely to change their
overall judgment of you.
The next, and something that Iam doing very well surround
yourself with acceptingsupportive people and man do.
I have a lot of those in mylife, which I'm highly blessed
(29:01):
for that.
So friends and family memberswho are consistently judgmental
can take a huge toll on yourmental health.
So knowing that someone youcare about has negative opinions
of you is incredibly hurtful.
We all know that it is hurtful.
We want everyone to love us.
Developing relationships withpeople who embrace your true
(29:21):
self and people who aresupportive and willing to talk
it out, even if they can be alittle quote unquote judgy
sometimes I think I fall intothat category, but I love you
guys.
It's crucial for maintainingmental well-being.
The next thing that we need todo to not care what people think
(29:43):
about us or say about us isconsider therapy.
Talking with a therapist canhelp you develop skills for
coping with criticism andbuilding your self-confidence.
Through exercises and practice,you can learn new ways to
approach unhealthy, unhealthyfeedback and let go of
unnecessary stress.
(30:05):
I've been to a therapist twice.
However, I'm not againsttherapy.
I feel like I learned from myfriendships and thank goodness
for the ones that go to therapy,because I get to learn without
paying the big dollars.
I get to learn through them.
(30:25):
Thank you, friends.
The next hold your own judgmentsof others.
Being accepting of others canhelp you let go of what others
think of you.
If you know you're givingpeople the benefit of the doubt,
you're more likely to thinkthat others are doing the same
for you.
And then the article ends withsometimes feedback and
(30:49):
constructive criticism can beuseful and worth listening to,
but there's often no productiveuse for listening to or worrying
about what other people think.
So now that we don't give adamn what people think about us
or what they're saying about usCause now we read all these
things and now we are thesethings Just kidding let's work
(31:13):
on this, let's not care.
But for real, once you don'tcare what people think about you
, then when it comes to yourpersonal life, that should not,
and like making changes andfeeling quote unquote trapped.
The furthest thing from yourmind should be what others will
(31:37):
say once you make the big change, whether it's moving to another
country, quitting your job asan executive and becoming a
painter, getting a divorce whatelse, I don't know being a
(31:57):
stripper no, I'm kidding.
I'm trying to think of, likebig changes that people would
talk about, you about.
But listen, that should befarthest from your mind.
Why?
Because we have one life,everyone one life, and if we're
(32:18):
feeling stuck in a shittymarriage and a shitty job and a
shitty friendship, whatevershitty situation you're in, that
you think that you're stuckthere, that you don't have a
choice, that you don't havecontrol, let me tell you
something you do have thecontrol.
You do have the choice.
(32:38):
It may be hella hard, but mygosh on the other side is a
wonderful life and I'm hopingthat one day.
These friends that I talk aboutI don't wanna put their stuff
out there, so I try to keep themvery vague and very anonymous.
I hope maybe one day they'llcome on the podcast and share
their stories.
(32:59):
There's one friend who did get adivorce, and a few years ago
and it was so.
The situation was so huge inher mind and what are people
gonna think?
There's a lot more detail tothis story, but the overall
feeling was what are peoplegoing to say?
(33:19):
I just need to stick this outbecause I don't want to hear
what other people are gonna sayabout me.
She went through with it, got adivorce, and now she's just
found someone else and is sohappy, she's glowing, she's
happy and, yes, there were a lotof tears and there was a lot of
(33:42):
, I'm sure, people talking crap.
Yes, we heard the streetstalking, but who cares?
She's so happy.
Now, imagine if she was stillstuck in that situation, stuck
in the life that wasn't meantfor her.
Maybe it was meant for thatseason, but for whatever reason,
she needed to make the change.
It was highly overwhelming.
(34:05):
It was a very challenging time,but now she's so much happier
and it shows and she's livingthe life that she has always
wanted to live.
So, yes, it's scary.
I witnessed the sadness and thecrying and the second guessing
(34:26):
and the oh my gosh.
And here we are and peopletalked and who cares?
Because here she is living herbest life.
So you can be stuck for smallthings.
You can be stuck for big things.
I don't know why you're stuck,but these are 15 ways to escape
(34:50):
when you're feeling trapped,when you're feeling stuck, and
this is from declutterthemindcomdeclutterthemindcom, all right.
So number one make the decisionyou're scared to.
So make that decision.
(35:10):
You're scared, you know whatyou need to do, you're just very
, very afraid.
So it says we all know whatdecision we want to make, we're
just afraid to do it.
It could be quitting a job orleaving a marriage.
Don't let that negativeself-talk take over too much.
(35:32):
You are talented enough to finda new position.
You do deserve to be happy.
And just because you feeltrapped doesn't really mean you
are trapped.
Don't put barriers in your mindfor no reason.
Seek psychological help, whicheveryone recommends, seen a
(35:55):
therapist especially.
It says sometimes you'refeeling trapped is due to mental
illness or mental health issueslike depression, which causes
you to feel helpless.
So when people get to the pointwhere they feel trapped in life
, things often begin to getbigger and you might find
(36:18):
yourself catastrophizingautomatically, which only makes
you feel more panicked anddesperate to escape.
So seeing a therapist can helpyou with finding some coping
skills.
Number three build a supportsystem.
When you feel trapped, it's soimportant to build a support
system.
You need to surround yourselfwith positive people who will
(36:40):
help you through and help youembrace fear.
You want to make sure that yoursupport system is positive and
uplifting, but you always wantto be able to take in their
honest feedback as well.
So if there are areas where youcan improve, you can make
adjustments.
That way, you might be able tofind a light at the end of the
(37:04):
tunnel a bit sooner.
Number four says make smalladjustments.
When big changes happen, peoplego into hysterics.
It adds so much stress in theirlives.
But if instead you make smalladjustments, it'll be easier to
help you cope with feelingtrapped, as you'll see yourself
moving in a positive direction.
(37:25):
The small adjustments can be aminor change to your environment
.
Number five look for thepositive.
Sometimes we begin feelingtrapped because we no longer see
the positive in our situation.
So maybe you're feeling anxiousor depressed and it's getting
the best of you, so you aren'tseeing things with complete
clarity.
Make a list of pros about yoursituation in life.
(37:47):
You might want to create agratitude list to remember
there's so much to be thankfulfor.
You know the times that I everfelt you know, quote unquote
trapped.
It's not as big.
As you know, my friends, thatI've talked about, that I've
been talking about their stuffis like it's big stuff.
So with this one that might notbe, I don't know.
(38:10):
Maybe it does work for bigthings, I know.
For me personally, you know,like I said, mine weren't as
huge of a change but like beinga stay-at-home mom, yeah, I
could have gone to work.
I could have.
I could have, you know,untrapped myself by unstuck
myself, unstuck myself, I don'tknow, unstuck myself by going to
(38:33):
work or whatever, but I knewthat I needed to be there.
I just had to look at thepositives of being a
stay-at-home mom, look at theblessings of it all.
You know the times where mymarriage got difficult.
You know, in my head I wouldthink, oh my gosh, this is it.
But looking at the positive andnot just being stuck in that
(38:55):
one moment, seeing the bigpicture.
So that has been very helpfulto find gratitude in things.
Number six be patient.
When feeling trapped, we oftenpanic and want to change our
situation immediately.
Take a deep breath.
It's so important to be patientduring this time.
(39:15):
Things always change, always.
You don't have a choice.
Life will change, whether youwant it to or not.
Some things are completely outof your control.
But rather than trying to hangon to the good like it's all we
have, we need to let things runtheir course.
And isn't that the truth, man?
(39:37):
I can relate to that at theoffice, you know, anytime
there's been an employee thatstands out and what I mean by
stand out, you know they broughtpeople the wrong way.
They might have, you know, justa negative attitude.
You know Phillip is the kind ofguy that he doesn't go firing
people willy-nilly.
(39:57):
He likes to give them a chance.
He likes to see if they grow.
Maybe they're having a bad dayand the employees just want the
other ones that are beingbothered are like fire that
person, what are we doing?
And why is he not doinganything?
And we have realized thateverything runs this course.
Anytime someone stands out thatbig and that major, with that,
(40:21):
they just don't fit.
Not because they're not greatpeople there's been a lot of
great people that have left butthey just didn't mesh with the
environment of the practice.
And it always runs this courseand it always works out.
And people do need to learnpatience.
Listen and this is me, who Iused to describe myself as
(40:41):
having little patience.
I've had to teach myself tobreathe and it's gonna be okay,
because if you look back atmoments in your life, everything
ran its course, everything wasokay.
The people that I observe thatare like always making like
these quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
I don't, I feel, I don't feelsettled, boom, they make these
(41:06):
rash, big changes.
They don't always end up tolook like they have a fulfilled
life.
Maybe that change, that moment,that quick decision, helped
them in that moment.
But, like in the long run, Ijust I don't know, maybe because
I'm also very cautious when Imake decisions.
(41:28):
So making these rash things islike a big no, no, no, no.
So I do like that one bepatient, things run its course.
Number seven focus onself-improvement.
I am big on this.
My pet pet, pet, pet, pet, petpeeve Well, this is not the
(41:48):
biggest one.
The biggest one is a liarthat's my biggest pet peeve or
manipulator, slash manipulator,because manipulator is a liar
and liar is a manipulator.
They kind of go on the sameboat for me.
But those who don't holdthemselves accountable or don't
see that they have room to growor it's always someone else's
(42:10):
fault, drives me crazy, itdrives me crazy.
So focus on self-improvement.
Oh my gosh, I love it so muchbecause that means you're
working on yourself and on yourinsides.
You can control that.
You can totally control that.
So it says.
When feeling trapped, sometimesit's because we're trying to
(42:31):
evolve or grow, but feel likewe're unable to do so.
That's when focusing onimproving yourself becomes so
important.
You can begin practicing guidedmeditations to help you gain
clarity and reduce anxiety.
You can read self-help booksabout people who've been through
(42:51):
your exact situation and youmight be able to learn a few
lessons from someone who hasfelt trapped but overcome their
situation.
You can also develop new skillsso that you can avoid feeling
trapped again in the future.
In your next chapter that mightbe new job skills or
communication skills forrelationships.
(43:11):
So one thing you can control isyourself how you react, how you
don't react, how you perceivethings.
So, gosh, that one should havebeen at the top of the list.
It's number seven should benumber one because, my gosh,
that's a big one.
Number eight live a simple life.
(43:34):
So in the article it saidsometimes we feel trapped
because we don't have enoughmoney to live the life that we
want.
In this situation, it's soimportant to live within our
means instead of trying to spendmoney.
We don't have, pretending tolive a life to impress our
friends on Instagram.
We need to build up to that andnot keep up with the Joneses
(44:00):
Number nine.
Learn to stand up for yourself.
It's so important to stand upfor yourself so you don't feel
trapped.
Oh my gosh, this is like hugefor me.
Standing up for yourself.
Don't let people belittle you.
Don't let people tell you whoyou are or who you're not.
That's why it goes back to theself confidence, because if
(44:23):
you're confident, you can standup for yourself.
And standing up for yourselfdoesn't mean that you're gonna
start punching people andgetting all up on people.
That's not it.
It's using your words in a verycalm, very direct way, that you
will not be spoken to that way,that you will not treat me this
(44:45):
way, like I am not that person,and just being firm in that.
So it says it's so important tostand up for yourself so you
don't feel trapped.
Sometimes we feel trappedbecause of barriers put on us by
other people.
In those situations, it's soimportant to learn to defend
ourselves so that we can escape.
(45:05):
However, keep in mind thatcommunication is a lot tougher
than you may think.
If you attack someone with yourwords, they'll feel defensive,
so it says they won't be willingto help you.
Instead, you need to learn toarticulate your needs in a way
that the other person hears youand wants to help you, and if
they don't, they're not meant tobe in your life.
(45:27):
Period period period periodStand up for yourself.
Number 10, be more proactive.
So, while we recently sharedthat you must be patient, that
doesn't mean waiting around forsomething good to happen.
You must actively be makingchanges to make that good karma
come back around so you canuntangle yourself from your
(45:49):
prison.
This might mean looking for anew job, moving out of your home
, moving to a new city, going ona solo trip to gain clarity, or
doing something that'llultimately get you on the right
track to living a life where youdon't feel trapped.
It takes work, effort, will anda little pain to get over the
(46:11):
hump when you feel stuck, andsometimes only you can change
your situation, and we can'talways wait for something to
quote unquote happen or forsomeone else to help us feel
unstuck when we feel stuck andthat is going back to when
people are like, well, there'snothing I can do Like this, is
(46:31):
it?
No, it's not it.
It's gonna be hard, it's gonnabe painful, but, man, I'm sure
you'll find joy on the otherside.
Not, I'm sure you will.
You will and you will.
Number 11, be yourself.
Sometimes we feel trappedbecause we hide behind a mask of
who we feel others think we are, rather than just being who we
really are.
(46:51):
Many people hide theirsexuality because they're afraid
of the judgment they'll receive.
Others present an image ofthemselves which is nowhere
similar to who they really are,which leaves them feeling
exhausted.
At the end of the day, it'sokay to be different from anyone
(47:12):
around you.
It's actually incredible to bedifferent from everyone around
you, and, it goes to say,there's so much pressure in our
world today to conform.
So if you stick out, you'retruly incredible.
Some of the most successfulpeople became famous because of
what made them different.
It's true that some people willjudge you for who you really
(47:33):
are, but sometimes that'sbecause they feel like they
can't measure up to you.
Those people are special too.
They just haven't had anyonetell them that before.
Be compassionate with hatersOoh.
They want us to love the haters, but, more importantly, love
yourself enough to be yourself.
And I think that goes back tolike the other list of worrying
(48:00):
and being concerned with whatother people think about you.
We I'm gonna pat myself on theback because this kind of made
me proud of myself, proud ofmyself.
So we went, maybe a month ago,we went as an office to Dallas
(48:23):
for a communications course andit was all about communication
and how to speak with each otherin the office, patients and all
that stuff.
So there is a personality testcalled the DISC profile.
So a D-I-S-C, so all of us area D-I-S-C and so you can Google
(48:47):
it, google it, I'll take thetest.
And so I had taken up before,and it's been years, and I had a
feeling, because I've done somuch inner work, that the
letters would change for me,because I used to be the S
(49:09):
there's nothing wrong with the S, the majority of the population
is an S and they want everyoneto feel good.
They're quote, unquote thepeople pleaser, they don't wanna
rock the boat, you know, theyneed things to be like sweet and
calm, and so that's what I was,and I had a feeling that I was
(49:32):
a different letter.
So, yes, I became a differentletter, I became the letter I,
but that's not what I'm proud of, even though I was a little
proud that I'm like, okay, I'vegrown, so my answers were
different from 10, 15 years ago,but this one was more intense.
So, just because you're thatspecific letter, there's like a
category based on the way youanswered.
(49:53):
So you have your letter andthen you had your word that
describes who you are, whatmakes you tick, how you like to
be spoken to, all the things.
So in this little pamphlet, thisbooklet, you take the test.
There's three graphs, so yougraph them and then you find
your word and you know yourletter.
And there's the one graph thattells you who you think you are.
(50:21):
The other graph is who otherssee you, how other people see
you, and then the third graph iswho you really are internally.
And so I'm seeing everybody'sanswers and I'm like, oh my gosh
, why are their graphs differentwith different words?
And my graphs were exactly thesame word and I don't remember.
I think it was like appraiser,yeah, the appraiser, so that's
(50:43):
my word, and there's a wholelike definition and it basically
is reading you, it reads you,it tells you who you are and
you're like what?
You don't know who I am.
So anyway.
So all three of mine were thesame.
So I'm like wait a minute, howcome mine are the same?
Like, what did I do wrong?
And so one of the girls who'sshe's been to this course many,
(51:06):
many times, she's like no, thatmeans that you see yourself this
way, people see yourself thisway and you are this way.
So all three of mine were thesame.
So that means I see myself theway you guys see me and I am who
I am who I am, and that Ididn't.
I don't remember taking thatextensive of a test years ago.
(51:30):
It was more, it was just, itwas more brief, it didn't have
like these categories.
But I'm pretty sure if I wouldhave taken it 10, 15 years ago
they would have been different.
I don't know if I knew who Iwas.
Maybe I was pretending to besomebody else, I don't know, but
I was very proud to be, to bewho I am, no matter what.
(51:50):
I show you guys who I am.
I know who I am, I am what I am.
So be yourself, be yourself man.
And people love for otherpeople just to be who they are.
I know I do.
I respect people more when theyjust are who they are, and
they're not trying to pretend tobe anything, but who they are.
(52:13):
So batting myself on the backfor that one.
Number 12, build something.
When you feel trapped andyou're trying to escape, you
need somewhere to escape too.
It's so important to buildsomething.
Ideally, you wanna build anasset that'll make you money so
you can quit your job ordiscover a new sense of
independence for yourself.
You can build a blog and onlinebusiness and online store so
(52:37):
you can make enough money to getyourself out of a bad situation
.
You'll be able to take care ofyourself.
So focus on building your wayto freedom.
13, do things that make youhappy.
Feeling trapped can make youunhappy, so it's so important to
do things that'll make youhappier.
If you're currently stuckliving at your parents' house
(52:59):
and you're frustrated living bysomeone else's rules, you'll
need to take action to do littlethings that'll make you happier
.
Maybe you feel a sense offreedom when you go for a run,
or maybe you feel happier whenyou invite friends over, or
maybe you start a newrelationship or you make new
friends.
There are so many things thatyou can do to find happiness
again.
That's so important Findingthat little bit of happiness and
(53:25):
there's another book that I'mreading.
Well, I finished it and I really, really, really, really wanna
talk about it, and I will.
I just gotta get all theinformation and all the bullet
points.
But basically one of the thingsthat I took from it is like
happiness is not really the goal, but it's okay to find those
(53:48):
moments of happiness and kindaholding onto that and basically
it's okay to have all theseother emotions.
I've talked about it but Iwanna talk deeper about that.
But we feel like as people I'mgoing on sidetracking that we
always should be so happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy,
and that's so unrealistic.
But when you're feeling stuck,I can see why.
(54:11):
Finding that little sliver ofwhat's gonna bring you joy
throughout the day, I know thatthat's very important.
14, take some time for yourself.
A little self-care andself-love can go a long way in
bringing some comfort and reliefto the way you're feeling.
It may not stop the feeling,but it can help Do the things
that bring you happiness, suchas spending time with friends
(54:33):
and family and join yourfavorite movie or indulging in
your favorite meal.
It isn't just about doingthings that make you happy.
Like mentioned earlier, it'sabout actually carving out time
from your day to spend it on youNot work, not responsibilities,
not spending energy trying tonot feel trapped.
Feeling trapped can make youfeel like you're out of options
(54:56):
or have no control.
However, you can't control howyou spend your time, and the
last one of how to be unstuck beunstuck, get unstuck, get
untrapped is be introspective.
Thinking is what got us intothis mess and feeling this way,
(55:19):
but sometimes thinking is whatgets us out and helps us break
free for feeling trapped in life.
When we can sit for a long timein solitude and in quiet, we
can sometimes find answers towhat's holding us back or making
us feel this way.
(55:40):
Sometimes it's just a littlemotivation, like trying to live
a meaningful life.
Other times it's figuring outhow to make more money when
we're in a situation where moneyholds us back.
Either way, some creativethinking can help us stop
feeling trapped.
So, guys, yes, we can feeltrapped, but we have control
(56:06):
over our lives.
When we start understanding andrealizing this, we can handle
big things, big situations,because they're always going to
be there.
They're always going to bethere.
It's just how we choose tohandle them, what decisions we
(56:29):
decide to make and what othersthink about.
Our decision-making shouldn'tbe up to them.
But if people don't understand,they don't understand.
Listen, I have a story of whereI didn't like what someone in my
(56:51):
life was doing and the choicesshe was making.
But it's her life.
She made the choice and I, formany reasons not just the choice
, there were other things thathappened choose to kind of step
back.
But she had all the right tomake the choices for her life
(57:16):
and it's my stepmom, karen,after my dad passed away he
passed away in December and thatspring she was already with
someone.
She found someone or she knewhim from her childhood she moved
back to her hometown, her homestate after he passed away and
she chose to move on, in myopinion, fairly quickly, but
(57:39):
that was her decision to make.
At the time I was very offendedand very bitter and very hurt
because of other things that hadhappened and in the past and
just me seeing kind of, I justsaw this big picture that I just
couldn't deal with.
So I had to step away.
(58:00):
But she had every right to makethe choices and not care what
anybody thought, including me.
So she was gonna do what shewas gonna do, whether I was
upset about it or not, and so wecan all put ourselves in both
sides of both shoes, like on theside of feeling trapped and on
(58:23):
the other side of being the onetalking about someone who is
making big decisions and maybetalking about in their back and
not feeling okay with whatthey're doing.
But that's your life, it's yourlife and you do what you feel
like it's best for you.
So I can speak from both sidesof the coin.
(58:44):
But one thing that just bothersme is when we think that we
don't have a choice and we do,and it's hard, but we've got
this.
Life goes on and hopefully, ifwe do even half of these lists,
(59:07):
we can be better versions ofourselves next year.
I went to this event last weekand there's a topic a month and
they'll have a speaker come up,and so this was my first time
going and it said and it wasabout forgiveness, but one of
(59:29):
the things they were putting upa bunch of quotes up and one of
the things that I wrote downthat it was so impactful it says
one of the scariest place to beis the same place as last year
grow.
So when I come on here and talkabout these things.
Let's just take a little bitfrom it and let's grow, because
(59:52):
we don't wanna be the sameperson that we are today.
You know, I think I'm prettyfabulous today, but hopefully I
learn some things between nowand next year that'll make me
even better version of who I am.
I'm good with growing andlearning all the time.
(01:00:12):
I don't think we ever get there.
We may come to a place of peace, but we're always gonna be
learning and growing in somecategory of our lives.
So one of the scariest placesto be is the same place as last
year.
Grow that's what we need to do,guys, and if you're feeling
(01:00:32):
unstuck, hopefully some of thesetips that I found online might
help pick one or two and startliving a life that's purposeful
period, and stop worrying aboutwhat someone's gonna think.
And you're embarrassed and ohmy gosh, and I get all those
(01:00:57):
emotions, the embarrassment, thewhy did I put myself in this
situation?
I shoulda, could've, woulda.
You know all those I shouldhave known.
But here we are and we can't goback in the past.
We can only move forward andstart making decisions.
They're going to affect ourlives for the rest of our lives.
(01:01:22):
So I found this on Pinterest.
I find a lot of my quotes andsayings on Pinterest, and this
goes out to my girls that I'vehad deep conversations with.
I pray that you guys getunstuck real soon, says I'm so
(01:01:46):
proud of you.
I'm proud that you keep showingup every single day.
I'm proud of all the toughdecisions you had to make and
that, even though it was hard,you stood your ground.
I'm proud that you never gaveup on yourself and kept fighting
(01:02:07):
for everything you love.
I'm proud that, despiteeverything you've been through,
you still wake up and find waysto smile every day.
I'm proud that, even thoughyou've seen so much darkness,
you always continue to searchfor the light.
(01:02:29):
I'm proud of you and how faryou've come, and I'm even more
excited for everything that'sstill to come.
I'll talk to you all next week.
So I wanted to share with youall that Virago is going to have
(01:02:49):
an event.
It is going to be November 11ththis November 11th and it'll be
all day.
We will have yoga.
We have an Enneagram coach.
For those who don't know whatan Enneagram is, google it.
It's a lot of fun.
You'll learn a lot aboutyourself and your inner workings
(01:03:10):
.
We'll have a lot of differentactivities to help with goal
setting and just kind of diggingdeeper into who we are.
So the event is called Evolvewith Virago 24/7 and it will be
at a Lakeside Resort.
It's gorgeous setting.
It's going to be very soothing,very zen, a time to regroup.
(01:03:34):
If you want to stay in thehotel where the event is
occurring, there is discountcode.
So if you go to eventbrite.
com and then just put in thesearch Evolve with Virago 24/7,
the event will pop up.
You can get all the detailsthere.
And, yeah, this is just a timeto bring what we've discussed
(01:03:57):
here on the podcast to life,where we can all come together
and build a community of womenthat are growing and healing and
are warriors.
So, yes, I look forward toseeing you all November 11th.
Thank you so much for listeningto Virago 24/7.
(01:04:18):
If you haven't done so already,go ahead and hit that subscribe
button and please give us fivestar ratings.
Also, don't forget to follow uson Instagram at Virago 24/7, to
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And just connect with us andshare your story.
(01:04:38):
We'd love to hear from you.
Just call me my space.
This is my thoughts.
What I want.
What I want, what I want.
Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are
listening to Virago 24/7.
Virago is Latin for femalewarrior and 24/7 is for all day,
every day.
Virago 24/7 is a weekly podcastthat brings diverse women
together to talk about life andour experiences in this world.
We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage,
(00:24):
children, friendships and reallyanything that needs to be
talked about.
Here you will find everydaygrowth, everyday healing with
everyday warriors.
What up, what up, what up?
(00:46):
It's me, lt.
How's it going?
Everybody, I'm doing great,actually Doing very well, no
complaints.
My thoughts are doing well.
Kaylin is doing well.
If you've been listening, youknow that I've been talking
about Kaylin and us bumpingheads and certain things that
(01:12):
we've gone through together thepast few months, but she's back
at school and when we speak toher and when she's texting she
sounds fantastic.
I'm sure she has her down days,but overall it's been good.
It's been good to talk to herand she's been excited about
(01:35):
school and this week they haveat SCAD, they have a film
festival for the week and theyhave celebrities come in and
talk and producers and editors.
She was just so excited toshare the people that she was
able to sit and listen to Allgood things everybody.
(01:58):
Maybe next month we'll have adifferent story, but I'm just
kidding.
No, we're staying positive,darn it.
We're staying positive.
Everything's good, we're doingwell.
I wanted to come on and talkbecause I like to talk and I
(02:19):
always find things to talk about, but lately the same kind of
topic keeps coming up.
I was like, let me startreading a little bit more about
this.
It's when someone feels stuckin their life or stuck in
something or I've heard recently, there's nothing I can do about
(02:44):
it.
I just feel stuck.
I looked up synonyms for thatbecause I'm like there's
something inside me that gets alittle bit kind of not triggered
, but a little bit like mm.
People love to say that they'restuck, but we all have freedom
of choice and we'll get intothat.
The synonyms for stuck aretrapped, caged, constrained,
(03:11):
captive, unempowered, paralyzed.
It's like we feel like we'renot in control of what's going
on around us.
I have, too, felt stuck in mylife.
I felt stuck when I was asingle mom.
I felt stuck when I was alittle, growing up with certain
(03:36):
situations.
I didn't have any control overthat.
I have felt stuck, if I'm goingto be honest, in my marriage.
At times I love Philip, I lovemy husband, but there have been
times where it's like, don'treact, lynette.
Maybe I have to think about thepositives of the situation and
not focus on the negative.
(03:57):
I have felt stuck when I was astay-at-home mom.
There's been different stagesof my life where, yes, you feel
stuck and you have to look atthings from a wider lens and see
it differently.
There's been some friends thatI have been talking to lately
(04:17):
and it's separate to separatepeople, different situations.
As far as them feeling stuckand me feeling like, no, you're
not stuck.
Deciding to make a choice or toget out of a situation or to
(04:43):
just change in general can be soscary and so frightening.
I get that.
It is because if you're used toa certain way of life, even
though you're not happy the waythings are going, it's scarier
to think about the unknown.
So I get it.
(05:04):
However, I feel like we need tochange the way we say it.
You're not stuck.
You are not stuck.
No one is telling you.
You need to be where you are.
Making a change is frighteningand it can be difficult and it's
going to alter.
It may alter your wholeuniverse when people say they're
(05:29):
stuck.
Something inside me is like no,it's just going to be hard.
It's going to be hard, butyou're not stuck.
Let's reframe what we tellourselves when we say we're
stuck in a situation.
However, I try to listen.
I am a good listener and I feellike that's why people talk to
me and open up to me.
(05:50):
I try not to give too manyopinions when they're not really
wanting it, but when that comesup, I'm just like no, no, ma'am
, no, sir, we're not stuck.
We were at brunch.
(06:10):
I was at brunch with twofriends like two weeks ago and
we're talking about Kaelin andthere's just so many things that
I'm so passionate about.
And we're talking about Kaelinand just giving an update,
because everybody always wantsto know how she's doing, and
just me realizing that I have tofind a different way of
(06:33):
approaching and speaking andwhen to speak, when not to speak
.
As moms, we just want to justgive it all to our children, all
the opinions and all the things, and sometimes we just have to
hold back and sit back and letthem do their thing, especially
when they're quote unquoteadults.
She's a legal adult.
(06:54):
However, if anyone has a 22year old or anybody in their
early 20s, we know that they'renot fully developed.
That conversation come up and mefeeling like I have to watch
what I say, which can be hard,but I can do this, I could do
(07:15):
this.
But what my friends said whenwe're talking about all this is
she's like you, lynette, are thetype of person.
I wish I could remember whatshe said verbatim, but we're
going to paraphrase here.
So she was saying that I she'slike you're the kind of person
that expects everyone to be asindependent as you and as as
(07:43):
capable and trying to rememberthe words.
But basically, like, I know inmy heart that I can take care of
myself, that I can do hardthings, that it doesn't mean
that I don't cry, it doesn'tmean that I am not sad, it
doesn't mean any of that.
I just know that I am capableof doing things and taking care
(08:08):
of myself, and so I just assumethat everyone should be that way
.
So she basically was telling methat I need to meet people where
their independent status is.
If pumping gas is them beingindependent, then I need to be
(08:30):
okay with them being excitedabout that or being empowered by
that, or going to the bank andopening up a bank account that
you know for me that somethingso simple, but for somebody else
it's empowering.
So those are very likesuperficial examples.
But I'm like, yeah, you'reright, I do Hold women to a high
(08:55):
standard, because I know thatwe are f in powerful beings,
that we are strong, that we haveway more that we can do.
We don't even know is within us.
I just know that we all havesomething so special and inside
(09:17):
of us that if we just tappedinto it, if we healed, if we
grew, if we, if we purged theshit, if we were Introspective,
if we were all these things, wecould be so awesome.
All of us, every single one ofus, and some of us don't choose
to grow because you have toUnload hard things and sad
(09:39):
things, maybe from our past.
So I get it.
Not everyone's on the same path.
But when she said that and Iwish I could have remembered
everything verbatim, but that'sthe gist of it I was like yes,
yes, so maybe I have issues andI need to like down.
But no, it's, it's, it's, it'ssomething that she wasn't trying
(10:00):
to.
She's like I'm.
It wasn't offensive or anything.
It just was like, yes, you'reright, you put it beautifully
that I do expect More and thenwhen I don't, it's just like,
girl, like you can do this, whatare we doing?
Like let's cry it out, butlet's like pick ourselves up and
let's get the shit done.
So that was interesting.
But in talking about that, I'vehad conversations with friends
(10:25):
recently about them feelingstuck.
And then that littleconversation is the back of my
head like, all right, lena,don't be too harsh, but no,
we're not stuck.
I think what I get from talkingto my friends that feels stuck,
it's big stuff.
(10:47):
So it's not somethingsuperficial, it's a big.
It would be big changes andPeople would know about it.
Once they make this decision,everyone is going to know about
it and I think that's what getspeople staying stuck, because
they are paying attention andworried about what other people
(11:12):
are thinking about them.
So if I make this big change inmy life, what are people going
to say?
What are they gonna say aboutme?
What are they gonna think aboutme?
Now I get that I'm an ex peoplepleaser and I understand that as
humans we do care about whatpeople think.
(11:33):
But I have learned and there'salways going to be somebody
because of their perspective andthe way they grew up, there's
always going to be someone who'sgoing to have an opinion about
you or won't agree or talk shitabout you behind your back.
(11:54):
I have learned that that is notmy problem.
And at that same branch, youknow, when I was talking, we
were talking about deep stuff,so just being empowered, and and
the one friend you know who'sfeeling stuck, she, she's
(12:14):
worried about what people aregoing to say and I'm like, well,
so what?
So if they say that, what'sgonna hurt my feelings?
Who cares?
First of all, you don't evencare Enough or respect the peace
.
Some of these people that you'retalking about, that you're
afraid they're gonna saysomething.
First of all, you don't respectthem.
So why Are you allowing theirwords to have so much power over
(12:40):
you?
I understand when you're in themidst of it just seems so
overwhelming.
But that goes back to just likeknowing who you are.
And even as we're sitting there, I'm like I bet you there's
someone out there, right thesecond, talking shit about me,
Leonette.
And here I am having thiswonderful brunch, drinking my
(13:03):
champagne and having thisawesome conversation with two
lovely ladies, and I don't care.
I have learned to have theconfidence.
It's taken a long, long, longtime, but I have learned to know
who I am.
When you stand firm in who youare, it does not matter what
(13:25):
everyone is saying about you,whether it's good or whether
it's bad.
You know, even when people arepumping me up makes me feel
uncomfortable.
I'm just being who I am and Igive a shit.
I don't give a shit what Peopleout there are saying about me
and they could be saying At thisvery moment right now as I'm
talking about this, talking crapabout me, and I honestly I'm
(13:48):
not saying this Flippingly Ihonestly have come to a point in
my life that I really do notCare.
Now, if you're like my bestfriend and we have issues and
you come to me, that's moreconstructive criticism and
that's more like let's have aconversation.
But these are people that Idon't Interact with anymore,
(14:09):
that are not in my life.
Maybe they're just anacquaintance that I say hi to at
the grocery store.
Those are the people that I'mtalking about.
I don't care.
I don't care if I make this bigyou know this big decision and
they're over there talking aboutme.
They don't know me, they don'tknow my life.
We need to stop caring whatother people are going to think,
(14:30):
because who's suffering is you.
You're staying stuck becauseyou care about what these people
are going to say.
If you unstuck yourself Unstuck, I don't know, I think it's
unstick, unstick yourself.
So we spend so much energyworrying about how others will
(14:53):
see us and what others willthink of us, so we stay stuck
and it's to our detriment.
If you say it out loud soundsvery, very, very crazy.
So I found an article you know Ilove me some articles Psych
(15:18):
central dot com and I was likehmm, how do we stop not caring
what other people think?
Because step one we have tostop not caring.
Well, first of all, step one islike work on who we are, be
confident who you are, know whoyou are deep down inside,
(15:41):
because Then when someone sayssomething that's contradictory
and the people around you thatknow you and love you and know
your heart Aren't going to beaffected by what this individual
over here, you know, in thestreets are saying about you.
We don't care about that.
So Get yourself the steam, knowwho you are and let's talk
(16:04):
about why we don't care and whywe shouldn't care what other
people are thinking.
That way we can move on to howdo we get unstuck.
So, psych central dot com, Ifound this article and it's tips
to soothe your worries of whatothers think of you.
First of all, let's see If youare a person that cares what
(16:31):
other people think, because itsays here, listening to our
friends concerns is differentthan worrying about every little
thing someone thinks of us.
So here are some indicatorsthat the opinions of others
might be harmful to you and yourmental health.
You change yourself in responseto criticism, regardless of what
(16:51):
it is and who it comes from.
You let other people makedecisions for you.
You don't set or maintainboundaries.
You're a perfectionist.
You hold your tongue if youropinion differs from everyone
else's.
Your peace of mind relies onapproval from others.
(17:12):
You're constantly apologizing,even when you did nothing wrong,
and you rarely say no, soanswered yes to any of those.
How can you get unstuck fromworrying about how those people
perceive you?
Number one there's 10 on thelist Expect and accept that
(17:36):
people will have opinions of you.
And it says there's no use intrying to avoid any and all
judgment.
It's simply impossible.
For better or worse, assessingother people is a natural part
of social interaction.
So prepare yourself ahead oftime for people to have their
(17:57):
opinions.
A simple mental reminder thatothers will have perceptions of
you, even some that may beinaccurate, can help you let
incoming critiques roll off yourback and, with a little work,
is taking me about to be 44 in afew days, so it's probably
(18:19):
taken me about 40 years from thetime I was born, I think.
Once I hit my 40s I was likeyou know what, I don't give two
Fs about what people say aboutme, but it's taken a lot of
reading, a lot of crying, a lotof deep soul searching to get
there.
So, but it's very possible.
It really really is, guys, andit's so freeing.
(18:39):
Once you get here, to the otherside, I'm like why didn't I do
this before?
But you know what?
Here we are.
We're not going to shit akudakuda wudah wudah.
I don't like that.
We're not going to shit akudakuda wudah.
I'm here now and we're going tobe happy about that, all right.
Next, take back control overyour own feelings.
Other people might have pooropinions about you, but that
(19:01):
doesn't have to translate intodifficult emotions.
They are not the same.
While you can't control howeveryone perceives you, you can
lessen your worry and anxietyover it.
So it says consider practicingmindfulness techniques, which
I've started and I've talkedabout it.
This is all about staying inthe present and being aware of
(19:25):
and accepting how you feel inthat moment.
So learning to be in the momentcan help you cope with those
unwanted feelings and thoughts.
So mindfulness can bemeditation, yoga, breathing
exercises.
If you are a loyal listener,you know I liked my meditation
and I do my breathing exercisesto prevent panic attacks.
(19:47):
Yoga has not been my thingbecause I am used to crossfit
and the weights and bigmovements and yoga is smaller
movements.
However, what was it?
I think it was early September.
I went on a trip with one of myfriends.
(20:12):
We went to Hilton Head and itwas a resort there and very
health conscious.
A lot of women that haveretired.
They go there often, so a lotof the women that were there
have been there multiple times,and so it was really fun to talk
to these women and learn alittle about them.
But it was about portioncontrol.
(20:32):
The food was included.
You had to go at a certain timeto eat.
The snacks were healthy, thefood was healthy.
It was very, very healthy,healthy, healthy and they had a
lot of exercise classes.
We did low impact typeexercises.
We signed up for yoga and,surprisingly, it was just me and
(20:57):
my friend that had signed upfor it.
It felt very private, like aprivate yoga class, and it was
on the beach in the morning asthe sun was rising and the ocean
was right there.
It was heavenly and themovements I had done before, but
they were very simple and Idon't know if it's because I was
on the ocean and it was just sopeaceful and serene that I'm
(21:22):
like you know what, maybe Ishould try yoga again.
Maybe I was taking advancedclasses and I felt overwhelmed
by them, but the simplemovements and the breathing, and
maybe she was just a goodinstructor, I don't know.
But something clicked and I'mlike I need to start doing more
yoga, because it was verymindful and you had to be in the
(21:43):
moment, you had to do your bodymove and I had never really
experienced that.
Every time I've done yoga I'mlike this is like ugh, but I
think, looking back, it'sbecause I was doing advanced
moves and I just want to relaxand be mindful.
I don't need to like stand onmy head, I don't need to do all
that, all right.
(22:04):
Next, remember that everybodymakes mistakes.
Perfection is impossible, soexpecting it is futile.
More important, judgment forfailing to attain perfection is
unproductive, unfair andcompletely unhelpful.
So keep in mind that anyone whothinks badly of you for making
(22:26):
some small slip up has mademistakes themselves, plus making
mistakes at work or in personalrelationships.
Personal relationships can bean important part of self growth
.
Look at them as learningopportunities and being human.
So I think that's a lot oftimes why we care so much.
We don't want people to look atus like we have flaws oh my
(22:49):
gosh.
Oh no, listen, we all haveflaws and it's okay.
We were not created to beperfect and once we remove that
word from our vocabulary, lifecan be so much smoother and you
(23:10):
just give yourself a little bitmore grace, a lot more grace
when you realize that you're notmeant to do everything
perfectly.
Next, develop your sense of selfand build confidence.
That's my big one.
Woo woo, that's my big one.
That I was talking about.
Self confidence.
Building sense of self, knowingwho you are is so important.
(23:35):
I have not known who I was andyou're all over the place with
your emotions.
You don't know how to controlthem because you don't really
know who you are.
You're not confident in who youare and it's not fun.
It's not fun you allow whatpeople say affect you and affect
(23:58):
the way you live and thechoices you make.
It is no fun.
Everybody it's no fun.
Practicing self reflection canbe a powerful tool for building
a strong identity.
Take time to ask yourself somedifficult questions who am I?
What do I care about?
(24:18):
What do I enjoy?
Developing a value system isalso important to providing a
strong foundation to live yourlife on.
People may critique yourbeliefs or actions, but if
they're grounded in your values,the criticism is less likely to
stick.
Confidence building anddeveloping a sense of self go
(24:38):
hand in hand.
Being confident in who you areand what you stand for will
boost your self-esteem andwillingness to ignore the haters
.
Got to say it like that thehaters.
Next on the list is don't try tomind read, you're probably
wrong, gosh.
This goes back to the fouragreements, where it's like
(25:00):
assume, assume, assume, assume,assume, assume, assume, assume,
gosh.
We humans love to assume things.
So it says.
Research suggests that whilemost people have some idea of
how they're perceived by others,they still have major blind
spots.
People will associate traitswith you that you've never even
considered.
The researchers found that themost well-adjusted and
(25:23):
emotionally stable people havethe least amount of insight into
what people think of them.
It's an indication thatconstantly worrying what other
people think is not onlystressful but also not helpful.
And with social media that'sreally hard.
If you're someone who posts oryou're really active on social
(25:44):
media and you get negativecomments, I'm sure that's very
hurtful.
But if you know who you are andyou know where you stand on
things and you're confident inthat, then who cares?
Let them keep talking.
Smack, all right.
(26:05):
Consider the source.
This is what I told my friend.
Consider the source.
Why, if you don't respect thesepeople, do you give a damn what
they're saying about you?
They could say it to your face,they could say it behind your
back.
You shouldn't care because youdon't even respect their
opinions.
Anyways, let them.
If they're going to be thathateful or that strong in their
(26:30):
opinions, let them.
Let them.
It's not your problem.
It's not your problem.
I don't care if it's family.
I don't care if it's friends.
Well, if it's friends, then youneed to kick them out your life
.
Family is harder to kick out.
I understand.
I'm not here trying to telleveryone to kick family out of
your lives, but it mean, ifthey're saying something, yes,
(26:53):
mm-hmm, yeah, mm-hmm, just don'tengage, just walk away.
So consider the source.
Caring about what people thinkof you is natural, but some
people's opinions are much moreimportant than others and should
be treated as such.
A family member saying thatyour behavior negatively affects
them or a boss expressingconcern with your work can be
(27:13):
helpful.
A random stranger complainingthat you don't smile enough is
not Keep it moving.
Next is know that you'reusually your own worst critic,
and isn't that the truth, mygoodness?
Especially women I don't knowabout men, but women we have
this running narrative in ourhead Constant, constant,
(27:37):
constant, constant.
And if we don't fill it withpositivity and try to read not
that every aspect of our livesis gonna have to be positive, in
roses and rainbows and candiesand unicorns, I understand that,
but try to feel it as much asyou can with things that are
(27:58):
gonna fill you with hope andpositivity and joy and happiness
, something that you can hold onto throughout the day, because
shit will always hit the fanShip will slap you across the
face, but we have to becausewe're already gonna be our own
worst critic, always.
(28:18):
So, it says.
A research paper tells us thatwe often believe people judge us
much more harshly than theyactually are.
In reality, we're often muchharder on ourselves than other
people, and we also tend tothink that one slip-up will mar
how people perceive us for good.
While it's true that firstimpressions can have a
(28:40):
long-lasting impact, one mistakeis unlikely to change their
overall judgment of you.
The next, and something that Iam doing very well surround
yourself with acceptingsupportive people and man do.
I have a lot of those in mylife, which I'm highly blessed
(29:01):
for that.
So friends and family memberswho are consistently judgmental
can take a huge toll on yourmental health.
So knowing that someone youcare about has negative opinions
of you is incredibly hurtful.
We all know that it is hurtful.
We want everyone to love us.
Developing relationships withpeople who embrace your true
(29:21):
self and people who aresupportive and willing to talk
it out, even if they can be alittle quote unquote judgy
sometimes I think I fall intothat category, but I love you
guys.
It's crucial for maintainingmental well-being.
The next thing that we need todo to not care what people think
(29:43):
about us or say about us isconsider therapy.
Talking with a therapist canhelp you develop skills for
coping with criticism andbuilding your self-confidence.
Through exercises and practice,you can learn new ways to
approach unhealthy, unhealthyfeedback and let go of
unnecessary stress.
(30:05):
I've been to a therapist twice.
However, I'm not againsttherapy.
I feel like I learned from myfriendships and thank goodness
for the ones that go to therapy,because I get to learn without
paying the big dollars.
I get to learn through them.
(30:25):
Thank you, friends.
The next hold your own judgmentsof others.
Being accepting of others canhelp you let go of what others
think of you.
If you know you're givingpeople the benefit of the doubt,
you're more likely to thinkthat others are doing the same
for you.
And then the article ends withsometimes feedback and
(30:49):
constructive criticism can beuseful and worth listening to,
but there's often no productiveuse for listening to or worrying
about what other people think.
So now that we don't give adamn what people think about us
or what they're saying about usCause now we read all these
things and now we are thesethings Just kidding let's work
(31:13):
on this, let's not care.
But for real, once you don'tcare what people think about you
, then when it comes to yourpersonal life, that should not,
and like making changes andfeeling quote unquote trapped.
The furthest thing from yourmind should be what others will
(31:37):
say once you make the big change, whether it's moving to another
country, quitting your job asan executive and becoming a
painter, getting a divorce whatelse, I don't know being a
(31:57):
stripper no, I'm kidding.
I'm trying to think of, likebig changes that people would
talk about, you about.
But listen, that should befarthest from your mind.
Why?
Because we have one life,everyone one life, and if we're
(32:18):
feeling stuck in a shittymarriage and a shitty job and a
shitty friendship, whatevershitty situation you're in, that
you think that you're stuckthere, that you don't have a
choice, that you don't havecontrol, let me tell you
something you do have thecontrol.
You do have the choice.
(32:38):
It may be hella hard, but mygosh on the other side is a
wonderful life and I'm hopingthat one day.
These friends that I talk aboutI don't wanna put their stuff
out there, so I try to keep themvery vague and very anonymous.
I hope maybe one day they'llcome on the podcast and share
their stories.
(32:59):
There's one friend who did get adivorce, and a few years ago
and it was so.
The situation was so huge inher mind and what are people
gonna think?
There's a lot more detail tothis story, but the overall
feeling was what are peoplegoing to say?
(33:19):
I just need to stick this outbecause I don't want to hear
what other people are gonna sayabout me.
She went through with it, got adivorce, and now she's just
found someone else and is sohappy, she's glowing, she's
happy and, yes, there were a lotof tears and there was a lot of
(33:42):
, I'm sure, people talking crap.
Yes, we heard the streetstalking, but who cares?
She's so happy.
Now, imagine if she was stillstuck in that situation, stuck
in the life that wasn't meantfor her.
Maybe it was meant for thatseason, but for whatever reason,
she needed to make the change.
It was highly overwhelming.
(34:05):
It was a very challenging time,but now she's so much happier
and it shows and she's livingthe life that she has always
wanted to live.
So, yes, it's scary.
I witnessed the sadness and thecrying and the second guessing
(34:26):
and the oh my gosh.
And here we are and peopletalked and who cares?
Because here she is living herbest life.
So you can be stuck for smallthings.
You can be stuck for big things.
I don't know why you're stuck,but these are 15 ways to escape
(34:50):
when you're feeling trapped,when you're feeling stuck, and
this is from declutterthemindcomdeclutterthemindcom, all right.
So number one make the decisionyou're scared to.
So make that decision.
(35:10):
You're scared, you know whatyou need to do, you're just very
, very afraid.
So it says we all know whatdecision we want to make, we're
just afraid to do it.
It could be quitting a job orleaving a marriage.
Don't let that negativeself-talk take over too much.
(35:32):
You are talented enough to finda new position.
You do deserve to be happy.
And just because you feeltrapped doesn't really mean you
are trapped.
Don't put barriers in your mindfor no reason.
Seek psychological help, whicheveryone recommends, seen a
(35:55):
therapist especially.
It says sometimes you'refeeling trapped is due to mental
illness or mental health issueslike depression, which causes
you to feel helpless.
So when people get to the pointwhere they feel trapped in life
, things often begin to getbigger and you might find
(36:18):
yourself catastrophizingautomatically, which only makes
you feel more panicked anddesperate to escape.
So seeing a therapist can helpyou with finding some coping
skills.
Number three build a supportsystem.
When you feel trapped, it's soimportant to build a support
system.
You need to surround yourselfwith positive people who will
(36:40):
help you through and help youembrace fear.
You want to make sure that yoursupport system is positive and
uplifting, but you always wantto be able to take in their
honest feedback as well.
So if there are areas where youcan improve, you can make
adjustments.
That way, you might be able tofind a light at the end of the
(37:04):
tunnel a bit sooner.
Number four says make smalladjustments.
When big changes happen, peoplego into hysterics.
It adds so much stress in theirlives.
But if instead you make smalladjustments, it'll be easier to
help you cope with feelingtrapped, as you'll see yourself
moving in a positive direction.
(37:25):
The small adjustments can be aminor change to your environment
.
Number five look for thepositive.
Sometimes we begin feelingtrapped because we no longer see
the positive in our situation.
So maybe you're feeling anxiousor depressed and it's getting
the best of you, so you aren'tseeing things with complete
clarity.
Make a list of pros about yoursituation in life.
(37:47):
You might want to create agratitude list to remember
there's so much to be thankfulfor.
You know the times that I everfelt you know, quote unquote
trapped.
It's not as big.
As you know, my friends, thatI've talked about, that I've
been talking about their stuffis like it's big stuff.
So with this one that might notbe, I don't know.
(38:10):
Maybe it does work for bigthings, I know.
For me personally, you know,like I said, mine weren't as
huge of a change but like beinga stay-at-home mom, yeah, I
could have gone to work.
I could have.
I could have, you know,untrapped myself by unstuck
myself, unstuck myself, I don'tknow, unstuck myself by going to
(38:33):
work or whatever, but I knewthat I needed to be there.
I just had to look at thepositives of being a
stay-at-home mom, look at theblessings of it all.
You know the times where mymarriage got difficult.
You know, in my head I wouldthink, oh my gosh, this is it.
But looking at the positive andnot just being stuck in that
(38:55):
one moment, seeing the bigpicture.
So that has been very helpfulto find gratitude in things.
Number six be patient.
When feeling trapped, we oftenpanic and want to change our
situation immediately.
Take a deep breath.
It's so important to be patientduring this time.
(39:15):
Things always change, always.
You don't have a choice.
Life will change, whether youwant it to or not.
Some things are completely outof your control.
But rather than trying to hangon to the good like it's all we
have, we need to let things runtheir course.
And isn't that the truth, man?
(39:37):
I can relate to that at theoffice, you know, anytime
there's been an employee thatstands out and what I mean by
stand out, you know they broughtpeople the wrong way.
They might have, you know, justa negative attitude.
You know Phillip is the kind ofguy that he doesn't go firing
people willy-nilly.
(39:57):
He likes to give them a chance.
He likes to see if they grow.
Maybe they're having a bad dayand the employees just want the
other ones that are beingbothered are like fire that
person, what are we doing?
And why is he not doinganything?
And we have realized thateverything runs this course.
Anytime someone stands out thatbig and that major, with that,
(40:21):
they just don't fit.
Not because they're not greatpeople there's been a lot of
great people that have left butthey just didn't mesh with the
environment of the practice.
And it always runs this courseand it always works out.
And people do need to learnpatience.
Listen and this is me, who Iused to describe myself as
(40:41):
having little patience.
I've had to teach myself tobreathe and it's gonna be okay,
because if you look back atmoments in your life, everything
ran its course, everything wasokay.
The people that I observe thatare like always making like
these quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
I don't, I feel, I don't feelsettled, boom, they make these
(41:06):
rash, big changes.
They don't always end up tolook like they have a fulfilled
life.
Maybe that change, that moment,that quick decision, helped
them in that moment.
But, like in the long run, Ijust I don't know, maybe because
I'm also very cautious when Imake decisions.
(41:28):
So making these rash things islike a big no, no, no, no.
So I do like that one bepatient, things run its course.
Number seven focus onself-improvement.
I am big on this.
My pet pet, pet, pet, pet, petpeeve Well, this is not the
(41:48):
biggest one.
The biggest one is a liarthat's my biggest pet peeve or
manipulator, slash manipulator,because manipulator is a liar
and liar is a manipulator.
They kind of go on the sameboat for me.
But those who don't holdthemselves accountable or don't
see that they have room to growor it's always someone else's
(42:10):
fault, drives me crazy, itdrives me crazy.
So focus on self-improvement.
Oh my gosh, I love it so muchbecause that means you're
working on yourself and on yourinsides.
You can control that.
You can totally control that.
So it says.
When feeling trapped, sometimesit's because we're trying to
(42:31):
evolve or grow, but feel likewe're unable to do so.
That's when focusing onimproving yourself becomes so
important.
You can begin practicing guidedmeditations to help you gain
clarity and reduce anxiety.
You can read self-help booksabout people who've been through
(42:51):
your exact situation and youmight be able to learn a few
lessons from someone who hasfelt trapped but overcome their
situation.
You can also develop new skillsso that you can avoid feeling
trapped again in the future.
In your next chapter that mightbe new job skills or
communication skills forrelationships.
(43:11):
So one thing you can control isyourself how you react, how you
don't react, how you perceivethings.
So, gosh, that one should havebeen at the top of the list.
It's number seven should benumber one because, my gosh,
that's a big one.
Number eight live a simple life.
(43:34):
So in the article it saidsometimes we feel trapped
because we don't have enoughmoney to live the life that we
want.
In this situation, it's soimportant to live within our
means instead of trying to spendmoney.
We don't have, pretending tolive a life to impress our
friends on Instagram.
We need to build up to that andnot keep up with the Joneses
(44:00):
Number nine.
Learn to stand up for yourself.
It's so important to stand upfor yourself so you don't feel
trapped.
Oh my gosh, this is like hugefor me.
Standing up for yourself.
Don't let people belittle you.
Don't let people tell you whoyou are or who you're not.
That's why it goes back to theself confidence, because if
(44:23):
you're confident, you can standup for yourself.
And standing up for yourselfdoesn't mean that you're gonna
start punching people andgetting all up on people.
That's not it.
It's using your words in a verycalm, very direct way, that you
will not be spoken to that way,that you will not treat me this
(44:45):
way, like I am not that person,and just being firm in that.
So it says it's so important tostand up for yourself so you
don't feel trapped.
Sometimes we feel trappedbecause of barriers put on us by
other people.
In those situations, it's soimportant to learn to defend
ourselves so that we can escape.
(45:05):
However, keep in mind thatcommunication is a lot tougher
than you may think.
If you attack someone with yourwords, they'll feel defensive,
so it says they won't be willingto help you.
Instead, you need to learn toarticulate your needs in a way
that the other person hears youand wants to help you, and if
they don't, they're not meant tobe in your life.
(45:27):
Period period period periodStand up for yourself.
Number 10, be more proactive.
So, while we recently sharedthat you must be patient, that
doesn't mean waiting around forsomething good to happen.
You must actively be makingchanges to make that good karma
come back around so you canuntangle yourself from your
(45:49):
prison.
This might mean looking for anew job, moving out of your home
, moving to a new city, going ona solo trip to gain clarity, or
doing something that'llultimately get you on the right
track to living a life where youdon't feel trapped.
It takes work, effort, will anda little pain to get over the
(46:11):
hump when you feel stuck, andsometimes only you can change
your situation, and we can'talways wait for something to
quote unquote happen or forsomeone else to help us feel
unstuck when we feel stuck andthat is going back to when
people are like, well, there'snothing I can do Like this, is
(46:31):
it?
No, it's not it.
It's gonna be hard, it's gonnabe painful, but, man, I'm sure
you'll find joy on the otherside.
Not, I'm sure you will.
You will and you will.
Number 11, be yourself.
Sometimes we feel trappedbecause we hide behind a mask of
who we feel others think we are, rather than just being who we
really are.
(46:51):
Many people hide theirsexuality because they're afraid
of the judgment they'll receive.
Others present an image ofthemselves which is nowhere
similar to who they really are,which leaves them feeling
exhausted.
At the end of the day, it'sokay to be different from anyone
(47:12):
around you.
It's actually incredible to bedifferent from everyone around
you, and, it goes to say,there's so much pressure in our
world today to conform.
So if you stick out, you'retruly incredible.
Some of the most successfulpeople became famous because of
what made them different.
It's true that some people willjudge you for who you really
(47:33):
are, but sometimes that'sbecause they feel like they
can't measure up to you.
Those people are special too.
They just haven't had anyonetell them that before.
Be compassionate with hatersOoh.
They want us to love the haters, but, more importantly, love
yourself enough to be yourself.
And I think that goes back tolike the other list of worrying
(48:00):
and being concerned with whatother people think about you.
We I'm gonna pat myself on theback because this kind of made
me proud of myself, proud ofmyself.
So we went, maybe a month ago,we went as an office to Dallas
(48:23):
for a communications course andit was all about communication
and how to speak with each otherin the office, patients and all
that stuff.
So there is a personality testcalled the DISC profile.
So a D-I-S-C, so all of us area D-I-S-C and so you can Google
(48:47):
it, google it, I'll take thetest.
And so I had taken up before,and it's been years, and I had a
feeling, because I've done somuch inner work, that the
letters would change for me,because I used to be the S
(49:09):
there's nothing wrong with the S, the majority of the population
is an S and they want everyoneto feel good.
They're quote, unquote thepeople pleaser, they don't wanna
rock the boat, you know, theyneed things to be like sweet and
calm, and so that's what I was,and I had a feeling that I was
(49:32):
a different letter.
So, yes, I became a differentletter, I became the letter I,
but that's not what I'm proud of, even though I was a little
proud that I'm like, okay, I'vegrown, so my answers were
different from 10, 15 years ago,but this one was more intense.
So, just because you're thatspecific letter, there's like a
category based on the way youanswered.
(49:53):
So you have your letter andthen you had your word that
describes who you are, whatmakes you tick, how you like to
be spoken to, all the things.
So in this little pamphlet, thisbooklet, you take the test.
There's three graphs, so yougraph them and then you find
your word and you know yourletter.
And there's the one graph thattells you who you think you are.
(50:21):
The other graph is who otherssee you, how other people see
you, and then the third graph iswho you really are internally.
And so I'm seeing everybody'sanswers and I'm like, oh my gosh
, why are their graphs differentwith different words?
And my graphs were exactly thesame word and I don't remember.
I think it was like appraiser,yeah, the appraiser, so that's
(50:43):
my word, and there's a wholelike definition and it basically
is reading you, it reads you,it tells you who you are and
you're like what?
You don't know who I am.
So anyway.
So all three of mine were thesame.
So I'm like wait a minute, howcome mine are the same?
Like, what did I do wrong?
And so one of the girls who'sshe's been to this course many,
(51:06):
many times, she's like no, thatmeans that you see yourself this
way, people see yourself thisway and you are this way.
So all three of mine were thesame.
So that means I see myself theway you guys see me and I am who
I am who I am, and that Ididn't.
I don't remember taking thatextensive of a test years ago.
(51:30):
It was more, it was just, itwas more brief, it didn't have
like these categories.
But I'm pretty sure if I wouldhave taken it 10, 15 years ago
they would have been different.
I don't know if I knew who Iwas.
Maybe I was pretending to besomebody else, I don't know, but
I was very proud to be, to bewho I am, no matter what.
(51:50):
I show you guys who I am.
I know who I am, I am what I am.
So be yourself, be yourself man.
And people love for otherpeople just to be who they are.
I know I do.
I respect people more when theyjust are who they are, and
they're not trying to pretend tobe anything, but who they are.
(52:13):
So batting myself on the backfor that one.
Number 12, build something.
When you feel trapped andyou're trying to escape, you
need somewhere to escape too.
It's so important to buildsomething.
Ideally, you wanna build anasset that'll make you money so
you can quit your job ordiscover a new sense of
independence for yourself.
You can build a blog and onlinebusiness and online store so
(52:37):
you can make enough money to getyourself out of a bad situation
.
You'll be able to take care ofyourself.
So focus on building your wayto freedom.
13, do things that make youhappy.
Feeling trapped can make youunhappy, so it's so important to
do things that'll make youhappier.
If you're currently stuckliving at your parents' house
(52:59):
and you're frustrated living bysomeone else's rules, you'll
need to take action to do littlethings that'll make you happier
.
Maybe you feel a sense offreedom when you go for a run,
or maybe you feel happier whenyou invite friends over, or
maybe you start a newrelationship or you make new
friends.
There are so many things thatyou can do to find happiness
again.
That's so important Findingthat little bit of happiness and
(53:25):
there's another book that I'mreading.
Well, I finished it and I really, really, really, really wanna
talk about it, and I will.
I just gotta get all theinformation and all the bullet
points.
But basically one of the thingsthat I took from it is like
happiness is not really the goal, but it's okay to find those
(53:48):
moments of happiness and kindaholding onto that and basically
it's okay to have all theseother emotions.
I've talked about it but Iwanna talk deeper about that.
But we feel like as people I'mgoing on sidetracking that we
always should be so happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy,
and that's so unrealistic.
But when you're feeling stuck,I can see why.
(54:11):
Finding that little sliver ofwhat's gonna bring you joy
throughout the day, I know thatthat's very important.
14, take some time for yourself.
A little self-care andself-love can go a long way in
bringing some comfort and reliefto the way you're feeling.
It may not stop the feeling,but it can help Do the things
that bring you happiness, suchas spending time with friends
(54:33):
and family and join yourfavorite movie or indulging in
your favorite meal.
It isn't just about doingthings that make you happy.
Like mentioned earlier, it'sabout actually carving out time
from your day to spend it on youNot work, not responsibilities,
not spending energy trying tonot feel trapped.
Feeling trapped can make youfeel like you're out of options
(54:56):
or have no control.
However, you can't control howyou spend your time, and the
last one of how to be unstuck beunstuck, get unstuck, get
untrapped is be introspective.
Thinking is what got us intothis mess and feeling this way,
(55:19):
but sometimes thinking is whatgets us out and helps us break
free for feeling trapped in life.
When we can sit for a long timein solitude and in quiet, we
can sometimes find answers towhat's holding us back or making
us feel this way.
(55:40):
Sometimes it's just a littlemotivation, like trying to live
a meaningful life.
Other times it's figuring outhow to make more money when
we're in a situation where moneyholds us back.
Either way, some creativethinking can help us stop
feeling trapped.
So, guys, yes, we can feeltrapped, but we have control
(56:06):
over our lives.
When we start understanding andrealizing this, we can handle
big things, big situations,because they're always going to
be there.
They're always going to bethere.
It's just how we choose tohandle them, what decisions we
(56:29):
decide to make and what othersthink about.
Our decision-making shouldn'tbe up to them.
But if people don't understand,they don't understand.
Listen, I have a story of whereI didn't like what someone in my
(56:51):
life was doing and the choicesshe was making.
But it's her life.
She made the choice and I, formany reasons not just the choice
, there were other things thathappened choose to kind of step
back.
But she had all the right tomake the choices for her life
(57:16):
and it's my stepmom, karen,after my dad passed away he
passed away in December and thatspring she was already with
someone.
She found someone or she knewhim from her childhood she moved
back to her hometown, her homestate after he passed away and
she chose to move on, in myopinion, fairly quickly, but
(57:39):
that was her decision to make.
At the time I was very offendedand very bitter and very hurt
because of other things that hadhappened and in the past and
just me seeing kind of, I justsaw this big picture that I just
couldn't deal with.
So I had to step away.
(58:00):
But she had every right to makethe choices and not care what
anybody thought, including me.
So she was gonna do what shewas gonna do, whether I was
upset about it or not, and so wecan all put ourselves in both
sides of both shoes, like on theside of feeling trapped and on
(58:23):
the other side of being the onetalking about someone who is
making big decisions and maybetalking about in their back and
not feeling okay with whatthey're doing.
But that's your life, it's yourlife and you do what you feel
like it's best for you.
So I can speak from both sidesof the coin.
(58:44):
But one thing that just bothersme is when we think that we
don't have a choice and we do,and it's hard, but we've got
this.
Life goes on and hopefully, ifwe do even half of these lists,
(59:07):
we can be better versions ofourselves next year.
I went to this event last weekand there's a topic a month and
they'll have a speaker come up,and so this was my first time
going and it said and it wasabout forgiveness, but one of
(59:29):
the things they were putting upa bunch of quotes up and one of
the things that I wrote downthat it was so impactful it says
one of the scariest place to beis the same place as last year
grow.
So when I come on here and talkabout these things.
Let's just take a little bitfrom it and let's grow, because
(59:52):
we don't wanna be the sameperson that we are today.
You know, I think I'm prettyfabulous today, but hopefully I
learn some things between nowand next year that'll make me
even better version of who I am.
I'm good with growing andlearning all the time.
(01:00:12):
I don't think we ever get there.
We may come to a place of peace, but we're always gonna be
learning and growing in somecategory of our lives.
So one of the scariest placesto be is the same place as last
year.
Grow that's what we need to do,guys, and if you're feeling
(01:00:32):
unstuck, hopefully some of thesetips that I found online might
help pick one or two and startliving a life that's purposeful
period, and stop worrying aboutwhat someone's gonna think.
And you're embarrassed and ohmy gosh, and I get all those
(01:00:57):
emotions, the embarrassment, thewhy did I put myself in this
situation?
I shoulda, could've, woulda.
You know all those I shouldhave known.
But here we are and we can't goback in the past.
We can only move forward andstart making decisions.
They're going to affect ourlives for the rest of our lives.
(01:01:22):
So I found this on Pinterest.
I find a lot of my quotes andsayings on Pinterest, and this
goes out to my girls that I'vehad deep conversations with.
I pray that you guys getunstuck real soon, says I'm so
(01:01:46):
proud of you.
I'm proud that you keep showingup every single day.
I'm proud of all the toughdecisions you had to make and
that, even though it was hard,you stood your ground.
I'm proud that you never gaveup on yourself and kept fighting
(01:02:07):
for everything you love.
I'm proud that, despiteeverything you've been through,
you still wake up and find waysto smile every day.
I'm proud that, even thoughyou've seen so much darkness,
you always continue to searchfor the light.
(01:02:29):
I'm proud of you and how faryou've come, and I'm even more
excited for everything that'sstill to come.
I'll talk to you all next week.
So I wanted to share with youall that Virago is going to have
(01:02:49):
an event.
It is going to be November 11ththis November 11th and it'll be
all day.
We will have yoga.
We have an Enneagram coach.
For those who don't know whatan Enneagram is, google it.
It's a lot of fun.
You'll learn a lot aboutyourself and your inner workings
(01:03:10):
.
We'll have a lot of differentactivities to help with goal
setting and just kind of diggingdeeper into who we are.
So the event is called Evolvewith Virago 24/7 and it will be
at a Lakeside Resort.
It's gorgeous setting.
It's going to be very soothing,very zen, a time to regroup.
(01:03:34):
If you want to stay in thehotel where the event is
occurring, there is discountcode.
So if you go to eventbrite.
com and then just put in thesearch Evolve with Virago 24/7,
the event will pop up.
You can get all the detailsthere.
And, yeah, this is just a timeto bring what we've discussed
(01:03:57):
here on the podcast to life,where we can all come together
and build a community of womenthat are growing and healing and
are warriors.
So, yes, I look forward toseeing you all November 11th.
Thank you so much for listeningto Virago 24/7.
(01:04:18):
If you haven't done so already,go ahead and hit that subscribe
button and please give us fivestar ratings.
Also, don't forget to follow uson Instagram at Virago 24/7, to
score seven, and on Facebook atVirago 24/7.
And just connect with us andshare your story.
(01:04:38):
We'd love to hear from you.
Just call me my space.
This is my thoughts.
What I want.
What I want, what I want.
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