The Men of Virago: A Roundtable Discussion on Relationships, Gender, and Communication

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lyanette (00:02):
Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are
listening to Virago 24-7.
Virago is Latin for femalewarrior and 24-7 is for all day,
every day.
Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcastthat brings diverse women
together to talk about life andour experiences in this world.
We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage,

(00:24):
children, friendships and reallyanything that needs to be
talked about.
Here you will find everydaygrowth, everyday healing with
everyday warriors.
I have been so excited.

(00:45):
This has been like a year inthe making men of Virago and
we're finally here.
Can we get a cheers?
Yeah, okay, they don't seemexcited they're hella nervous.
But you know what?
We're drinking our drinks.
It's Friday night, we got ourscotches, we got our vodkas and

(01:05):
we're here to talk to the men's,so this is a woman's.
Okay, men listen to the show,but it's mostly women, women
driven, women geared, and I'vealways wanted to do a men's
panel, so I'm thankful for themen that said yes to me.
They're here today and we'regoing to go around the table so

(01:26):
we can hear their voices andknow who each one is.
We have Hello hello beautifulpeople.
Contestant number one.
Come on down, I am.
You're the next contestant onthe men of Virago.
I've been drinking.
We went out to a late lunchslash early dinner and I've been
drinking.

Philip (01:47):
Husband, significant other.
We've been married for how longagain?

Lyanette (01:52):
Are you serious?
You want me to answer?
Oh my gosh, Listen, dude.
We just celebrated like a monthago.
Okay, you're close 18.
18.

Justin (02:01):
18.
18.
Oh, that's right.
Yes, we're still in 23.
September 24th.
Thank you.

Philip (02:07):
I do know so September 24th.
We've been married for 18 years.
I think we are growing closerevery year.

Lyanette (02:16):
Yeah, we'll qualify you as a good candidate for the
men of Virago.
You've dated a ton.
Our daughter, our youngestdaughter, says I think daddy's
dated the whole alphabet.
Every time we talk about Xs sheliterally says that so we
literally have gone through thewhole alphabet.
Okay, did you date somebodywith the letter A?
And then he's like yeah, and soI think there's like maybe two

(02:36):
letters of the alphabet that youhaven't dated For real, like
this is not made up.
So his qualifications are he'sbeen married for 18 years but
he's dated a ton.

Philip (02:46):
Well, you know now I know what I need.
Okay, that's a good answer.

Lyanette (02:53):
Who's number two men of Virago.

Justin (02:56):
Men of Virago.
I am Justin Okay, and I've beenmarried for 17 years.

Lyanette (03:03):
You've dated a lot too .
I've known you since you were14 years old, and I know how
much you've dated.
So I don't know about thealphabet, but you've dated a lot
, so you too qualify to be onthe men's panel.

Justin (03:15):
Yes, I have dated a lot in my previous life before
marriage yes, you have, yes, youhave Very interesting, exciting
life, and then I settled down,as they say.

Lyanette (03:26):
All right, we'll get into that in a minute and we
have contestant number three.

Milky (03:30):
So my name is Milky Martinez and I'm the single in
the group.
It's a privilege for me to behere with these gentlemen, very
smart intellectual gentlemen, soI'm just excited to see what
they're going to bring into thetable in this podcast.

Lyanette (03:43):
Wonderful.
So before we start, though, Ipromise the people that we will
make sure that you guys arehonest, and even though, fill up
, you are married to me, I needyou to be brutally honest, even
if it has to do with me.
I am a strong individual and Ican take it, and we'll find
about it later.
Do we solemnly swear that wewill tell the truth, and nothing
but the truth?

(04:04):
Yes, so help Varago 24-7.
Yes, yes, okay.
I do you do?
Okay?
And before we start, Milky andI share a birthday.
Woo-hoo November the 6th.

Justin (04:16):
So Salute, Salute to us.
Oh, it's about to be a birthday.

Lyanette (04:19):
Salute to us.
We're celebrating.
This is the beginning of ourbirthday weekend With the men's
panel.
I'm excited.
Happy birthday to you, milky.

Milky (04:27):
Thank you Happy birthday to me.

Lyanette (04:30):
I'm a lot older than him, but that's okay.
Listen, before we start to myown horn.
I was told I looked like I wasin my 20s yesterday, so just
saying Nice Rosa, you look likeyou're in your 30s, that's right
, anyways All right, I didn'tknow.

Justin (04:46):
You volunteered at the, at the what At the?
What At the high school.
I was going to say old folks, Iknow you were going to say that
I was waiting for you to say it.

Lyanette (04:55):
I was going to say it.
Of course they would say I look20.
Oh my gosh, all right.
So we had.
I asked friends and people onsocial media to send questions,
so we have quite a few.
We have about 22 questions, sotake your time answering them.
Let's start.

(05:15):
I'm going to start becausethere's no rhyme or reason.
They're all very differentquestions, but we're going to
start with an easy one.
It's a silly one, but all womenwant to know does it really
take you 45 minutes to go to thebathroom, and why?
And this was brought to us byAngela.

Philip (05:36):
So thank you, angela, for that riveting question I
want to take with me to thebathroom.

Lyanette (05:40):
Okay, you always take your.

Philip (05:42):
Take my iPad.
Yes, you do.
Oh my, I'm going to go throughmy email.
I'm going to go through mycowboy stuff, my sport stuff 45
minutes.
Yeah, just chill.

Lyanette (05:53):
Don't your legs get like numb shaky from sitting on
the toilet for 45 minutes?

Philip (05:58):
Well you, do it for longer than that.

Lyanette (06:00):
Then you're good, some hemorrhoids, yeah, no, no, no
hemorrhoids.

Philip (06:03):
That's a whole different reason.
It's been sitting for a longtime, but for me it's for.
It's just kind of, you know,time to chill.

Lyanette (06:11):
Listen, if you guys don't feel comfortable answering
every question, that's okay.
Not everyone has, you don'thave to answer all the questions
.

Milky (06:17):
Just remember one day that I was in the bathroom and I
just I fell asleep.

Lyanette (06:23):
Wait, is this a true story?

Milky (06:25):
Oh, wait, we're being honest, right?
Oh boy, it wasn't a false name.
When I woke up, I had to learnhow to walk again.
Why did you really?

Justin (06:32):
fall asleep on the toilet.
I could see that happening.

Milky (06:34):
Wait, were you drunk or was it just a dream?
I was just, I was just, I wasjust, I was just, I was just, I
was just.

Lyanette (06:39):
I was just, I was just , I was just, I was just, I was
just I was just, I was just.

Milky (06:42):
I was just Wait.
Were you drunk or were yousober?
I get that it was really late.

Justin (06:47):
It was late at night.
It was late at night, it waslike I get that, I get that,
that's 100%.

Lyanette (06:52):
You get it, justin, I didn't get that.
You can relate to Moki.
I can relate.
Well, I don't know if I canrelate, but I can get it.

Philip (06:57):
I can get it sometimes.
Oh my God.

Justin (06:59):
Oh my God, so I have an honest answer.
Okay, what?

Lyanette (07:04):
is it?

Justin (07:05):
One.
It's a routine irregularity,right Every time, every morning.
For me it's every morning, sametime, same bad channel.
I have my thing.
I have to read the times, Iread my news articles.
I get caught up on the day.
I look at what I have to do.
I do a little bit of scrollingtoo.
I get stuck on the algorithmsof you know reels or tics,

(07:26):
tiktoks or whatever, and then Ialso respond to all the missed
guys chats you know my text,groups with my homies.

Lyanette (07:34):
And it has to be on the toilet.
It can't be like at the kitchentable.
I think I think better when I'mhonestly, I'm thinking more
clear.
No distractions, no children.
Yeah, there's no distractions.

Justin (07:45):
I mean, there's nobody there to bother you.

Lyanette (07:46):
I hope there's nobody else oh that'd be great.
Actually, let's follow up.
Do you guys use the bathroomwith the door open and like, let
your no?

Justin (07:55):
Okay, significant others see Watch Open lights off.

Lyanette (08:00):
Why are you taking a crap?

Justin (08:01):
Because it's in the morning, so it's in the morning,
lights off, but the door open.
Yeah, I don't like having thedoor closed.

Philip (08:07):
Okay, oh yeah, definitely I'll lock the door.

Justin (08:09):
Wait, who's coming in?
I don't know they're gonna getyou?

Philip (08:12):
I don't know.
I don't want anybody walking inDang.

Lyanette (08:17):
Yeah, listen, I'm a very fluid individual.
Yeah, we don't keep the doorsopen, except if I'm peeing.
I'll keep that open, becauseit's just pee, it's just a
little water trickling down,right.
Right, milky, when you getmarried, are you gonna leave the
door open or are you gonnaleave the door closed?

Milky (08:34):
I don't know.
I don't know yet, as of rightnow, I live by myself, so it
doesn't matter.
It really doesn't matter.
There's no routine in that.

Lyanette (08:41):
I wanted to start off with something silly, so I'm
just gonna go down.
Like I said, there's no rhymeor reason to the way I'm asking
the questions.
So Liz wanted to know for themarried men, as far as the ups
and downs in marriages, do youguys feel like there's cycles to
the marriage ups and downs ordo you think women are just

(09:02):
crazy and they're the only oneswith the cycles and they're the
ones that determine whether it'sup or down?

Philip (09:09):
You want to honestly.

Lyanette (09:11):
We all want the honest answer.

Justin (09:13):
Okay, honest answer is the women.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.
It is a cycle of one day overthe other.
But look, in my mind, I honestlythink that it's a different set
of hormones and the way thatwomen's brains work, that it's
very different from men, and sothere are those cycles of the
ups and downs.
There's nothing wrong with itand that's, I think, maybe a

(09:35):
stigma that sometimes gets puton is like oh, women are crazy,
it's like no, they just thinkvery differently and it's hard
to relate as men, and so itsometimes does seem like a cycle
of ups and downs, when itreally isn't.
If you understand them as theyare biologically, I think
there's some science behind whythey think certain ways and why

(09:56):
their brain functions.
I don't know it enough and I'mnot claiming to be smart enough
to even figure that out, but Ido appreciate and understand
that that's not who they are.
That's just where they are intheir mind right now, and as
long as you love them and youcare for them and you continue
to support them, then you workthrough that and you go on the
ups and downs with them.

Philip (10:17):
Yeah, I would say men are simple creatures, very we
don't.
We wouldn't have ups and downsand marriage with things.
It doesn't mean that weshouldn't, because I think what
women do is help us grow, helpus tap into things that we
wouldn't even think aboutbecause we are so simple.

(10:37):
It's not complicated to figureout a man.
And if it was up to us, I mean,if we're in a marriage for 10
years and we have, you know, 20ups and downs cycles for a guy,
we might have two.
And that's about it, damn.
And it's not based on anythingcomplicated, it's very simple

(11:00):
the two cycles are when you'reborn and then when you die,
cycle ended.

Justin (11:07):
It's good.

Philip (11:09):
It's good.
It's definitely ups and downsand cycles with marriage.

Lyanette (11:16):
But you guys are placing it on the women because
we are complicated creatures.
No, I don't.
Well, I'll say it.
But Justin's like no.

Justin (11:26):
Internally he's like yes , no, no, no, yes it may seem
outwardly like we're placingthat blame on women, but I think
internally we're trying toreconcile the thought and trying
to figure out where I wentwrong or what I did, because in
our minds we didn't do anythingwrong.
We're just being exactly whatwe're doing.
It's simple, that's the problem, justin.
That's the problem, but that'swhat meant.

(11:49):
That's why there's bookswritten about.
You know, men are from Mars,women are from Venus, or
whatever it is.
It's that difference, it's the.
It's not right or wrong, no,it's just.
It's just our way of doing it.
Are you adult enough to handleit?

Lyanette (12:02):
So it sounds like, since we're the ones that have
brilliant minds as women, that'swhy we complicate things.
I don't think we complicatethings, we just see big picture.
I think men see like narrow.
They're like like have blinderson the sides.
That's how I see it.
So if we know that it is superimportant to pick the right

(12:24):
partner that you can, becausenot every like going back to you
guys, having dated a lot ofwomen, obviously you didn't
marry them, so they weren't.
They weren't I don't want tosay worthy, because I think as
women we're all worthy, but likethey weren't one.
Yeah, For you to even want togo through these cycles with.

(12:47):
Is that what you're saying?

Philip (12:49):
Yeah, you wouldn't want to go.
You're not going to go throughthose cycles with someone that
you're not.
You don't think that there's.
That's the person.
A guy will do whatever he needsto do if it's the right girl or
right woman.
If they're not, we're not goingto do anything.
It's not a bad thing or a rightor wrong thing.
We're simple.
I actually think we see bigpicture and the women are really

(13:12):
into the details of things.
That's the way I look at it.
That's a good one.
That's okay.
That's a good point.
We see, you know we might belooking about or thinking about
the year You're thinking aboutthat minute you guys don't sweat
the small stuff.
No, not at all.
That's the beauty of a marriage, because you have to have

(13:33):
someone that balances you out.
God gave us gifts and we alldon't have the same gifts, so
it's great to marry someone thathas a different gift than you.
So now, together, y'all are agood union and that's what you
want.
You don't want someone that'sjust like you, in instance.
That is good.
To have someone that thinksabout the things that you don't

(13:56):
think about.
That is more complicated, it'snot as simple, and that way,
together you handle life better.
I mean marriage and I alwayssay this is a commitment to grow
together.
So if we're growing together,then it's well worth it All the
ups and downs.
But as long as that trajectoryis going up, not something

(14:17):
that's always up and down andit's never over a period of time
overall going up, that's aproblem.

Lyanette (14:25):
All right, Melky, I know you're not married, but I
mean in any relationship you gothrough cycles.
Have you experienced any ofthat?

Milky (14:33):
Yeah, my experience there .

Justin (14:37):
I was in doubt.

Lyanette (14:38):
I was in doubt, and that's why you haven't married
them.

Milky (14:42):
That's it, that's it.

Lyanette (14:44):
Because you've never been married and you don't have
any children, correct?

Milky (14:47):
Okay, he's a catch.
We're trying to.
What's your IG handle?
I don't know what I did here.

Justin (14:55):
What is it?
What is it what?

Milky (14:56):
is it Milk loves food?
Wait milk.
What Love food?
Milk loves food.

Lyanette (15:04):
Oh, that's so cute.
Milk loves food.
Okay, he's really cute and Iwant a good girl for him because
I'm always telling him that I'mgoing to be the one tell him
yeah or nay, because he's reallyeasy.

Justin (15:18):
He's a good catch.
He's a good catch.
He's a good catch.
He's a good catch.
He's a good catch.
He's a good catch.
He's a really good person.

Lyanette (15:22):
All right.
So Linda wants to know.

Philip (15:29):
First of all, this has nothing to do with sex.

Lyanette (15:31):
Okay, so intimacy yes, intimacy does not equal sex.
Okay.
So, um, for this question, forthis question, we'll talk about
sex later.
So Linda wants to know howimportant is intimacy to you?
If it is important, how do youlike to give it and how do you
like to receive it, and whatdoes that mean?

(15:52):
And it's not going to do withsex?
Okay, and if it is sex, give itlike she didn't want sex
included.
But if you guys want to includesex into it, let's do it.

Philip (16:00):
So repeat the question again, intimacy.

Lyanette (16:02):
What does it mean to you?
How do you like to give it andreceive it?
Is it important we were lookingabout not talking about sex,
but if you guys want to includesex, that's your answer.

Milky (16:16):
She doesn't want to include sex, so I won't include
sex.
But I'll say this Um, everytime I hear the word intimacy, I
think about privacy and that issomething that I see that it's.
It's a privilege and peoplehave it, but they don't, just
don't value it, and I see thateverybody who has a relationship

(16:38):
they like to display it.
I just feel like it's not value.
But I think, definitely thinkit's very important.
Intimacy in the sense of like,even if the relationships having
some problems or going throughlike we just talked about ups
and downs, and I think that'ssomething that, um, it should be
handled within the um, thecouple, and sometimes I just see

(17:00):
that that it just word gets outfrom one of the couples.
They just break that intimacyand they just tell people or
they post it on Instagram orthere's always something.
So I feel like it's definitelyvery, um, very important, not
including sex or just talkingabout other things.

Justin (17:14):
Intimacy for me, I would say, would be those rare
moments in a married life whereyou get to just have that alone
time where it's just you and theother person.
Those are the.
Those are the moments when Ican consider the intimacy, those
little playful things that youknow I think to milky's point

(17:34):
too the private, private momentswhere, like you, only you and
her know about it and it's onlyyou and her thing.
It's like the kink right.
It's not sex, but it's a kinkright Cause it's only shared
between you and her.
And so those, to me, are the.
They're intimacies, cause I cansay uh, you know, there are
moments that I share with mywife that are intimate and unsex

(17:56):
related, that are just in verylike I know when I can connect
to her and I know when thingsare intimate where I actually
connected with her and then forhow I like to receive it.
I'm a very I'm the uh, I alwaysforget the love language, what
it's, but I love, touch.
Yeah, like all I want is justfor somebody to touch me.

Lyanette (18:19):
You need a hug.

Justin (18:26):
No no but I mean even it's like, like you know, you
know, there's people who talkwith their hands, there's people
who are, like I, like the touch, like even, you know, I coach
soccer and I would even consider, uh, the intimate relationship
that a coach has with theirplayers as intimacy, as a
willingness to, to have a bondwith them that's special, to

(18:47):
guide them and help them grow.
And so I, I, I touch my players, like in appropriate ways.
Of course, I'm glad, you, I'mglad, you're glad, you're glad
to have that.

Milky (18:58):
Right.

Justin (18:59):
Yeah, no, but I touched them and I let them know how
good of a job they're doing.
I like giving high fives.
I like giving, you know, fistbump here, you know all that
kind of thing.
I like grabbing them Like thatwas amazing, showing the passion
for the play that they have.
You know that I love that'sintimacy to me.
That's what I think.
When you break it down to itsits core, it's just two humans
connecting in a very, very realand honest way.

Philip (19:21):
I love that, and I think , when it comes to like McCoy
just mentioned, um privacy andlike Justin just mentioned what,
what does intimacy mean?
To me?
It's those private moments thatyou have with your.
For me, my wife, when we haveour one-on-one vacations,

(19:42):
one-on-one time here in thebasement no kids, no dogs we can
just be silly, we can just befree.
I know I can be mean, no matterwhat, and that's intimate.
It could be just sitting on thedeck with some coffee, reading
together, not saying a word.
That's intimacy.

(20:03):
How do I like to give intimacy?
I think sometimes it's justbeing heard, letting you know
that you're being heard, or I'velistened to you, bringing
something to you that youhaven't asked for.
To me is intimacy, and it's soimportant.
You gotta have that at one onone time with your significant

(20:24):
other, because if you don't,when the intimacy goes to be
honest, then the sex goes.

Justin (20:32):
So for me it's very important, or the sex happens
somewhere where it's notsupposed to.

Philip (20:37):
You're right about that.

Lyanette (20:38):
Okay.
So I'm sure there's somerelationships that have all the
sex but don't really have whatyou guys are describing as quote
unquote intimacy.
For us as women, we need theintimacy in order to have sex.

Philip (20:50):
Right.

Lyanette (20:52):
If you guys didn't have the intimacy, but you only
had the sex, you're not going togo outside of your relationship
for that.

Justin (20:58):
No, that's not true.

Philip (20:59):
No, I don't believe that I believe if you guys are
asking.
No.

Justin (21:05):
I've seen some what I thought were very, very good
people make very bad decisionsIn my lifetime, and my
experience is what I've seen inmany in men not many occasions,
but on a few occasions that Iwitnessed I've seen really
really good men who have very,very good relationships with

(21:26):
their spouses or at least theway the perception of really
really good relationships makereally questionable decisions
about other women and in someinstances have gone into
adultery and have done so andthen asked me it's just, hey,
don't mention this to the wife,kind of deal.
And I'm like, bro, you can'tput your burdens on me.

(21:49):
It's like that's not how I wear.
I'm a very honest man, but wedon't know each other that well.
So good luck to you and hope tonever see you again.

Lyanette (21:57):
Well, they didn't have a good marriage.
If they're stepping, out.

Justin (22:00):
That's the thing.
There's no intimacy there.
So you can almost draw the linebetween the lack of intimacy
that that individual might havehad with somebody, with their
significant other, by making ayou know having an affair or
doing something.
You know it really is there andbecause it's not there.
But I don't know that side ofthe world because I have never

(22:21):
crossed that line, but I haveseen it happen multiple times.

Lyanette (22:27):
But the thing is like are they having sex with their
wives?

Justin (22:29):
That's what I'm trying to get at Pretty sure, because
there's kids that come rightafter us.

Milky (22:36):
All the kids look like him.

Lyanette (22:40):
So they had sex that one time that sex, that one time
.

Philip (22:43):
This is what they're having sex continuously.

Lyanette (22:46):
So for me as a woman, I always think of men thinking
that intimacy is sex.
So like what?

Philip (22:53):
you guys are describing as intimacy.

Lyanette (22:55):
it sounds beautiful, but it looks like that Every
woman wants all that fluff thatyou guys just said.

Milky (23:01):
But you said to leave sex out of it.
I know, but I'm just sayingleads to that there is intimacy
and sex.
There has to be a certain fact.
It's what?
When we talk about intimacy,then if we're talking about the
word in general, sex has to beinto that.

Justin (23:14):
Inside that category, I kind of feel like that question
is it's not?
They say it's not about sex,but it is for men it is.

Lyanette (23:22):
I mean ultimately yeah , that's what it means.

Milky (23:25):
Yeah.

Justin (23:27):
What are those moments like what turns you on.

Philip (23:30):
So that's the thing that you just talked about.
You said well, you know, forwomen I have to have intimacy to
have sex.
Guys don't have to haveintimacy to have sex, but they
need intimacy to lead to moresex, because if it's not there,
they will go elsewhere for it.

Justin (23:50):
Intimate sex maybe, is what they're in search for.
There's just sex, and thenthere's.

Milky (23:58):
I say intimacy, I automatically go back to private
.
You know what I'm saying.
So it's like if it's notintimate sex, what is it?
Public sex, yeah.

Philip (24:09):
I mean, these guys definitely can just have sex.
I get that, but that's notsomething long.

Lyanette (24:14):
We know, we know, we know.

Philip (24:20):
But that doesn't mean that's just, that's not a
relationship, that's just abooty call.
So it's not something, someonethat you are looking at long
term.
You know, this is my soul.
Maybe this is the woman of Mary.
This is just something to.

Lyanette (24:40):
Milky?
How many do you have on aregular?
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, so it was wrong about yourbooty call.
That's not one of yourquestions.

Justin (24:46):
No, it's not, I just Listen, you try to get it, it's
intimate life.

Philip (24:50):
Exactly that's right, that's right.

Lyanette (24:54):
Listen the way I work with this podcast.

Philip (24:56):
I do follow up questions to the question that says no,
you don't have to answer.

Milky (25:01):
Let me take my drink.
There you go, there you go.

Lyanette (25:04):
What else?
Next question Okay.
So when we're speaking ofintimacy, obviously that's a
very important part of arelationship.
What else is a foundation foryou that you would want for a
relationship, especially forMilky, who's searching high and
low for his person?
What's the foundation?

Milky (25:24):
Well, real quick, this is fast.
If you want to get out of this,have this.
But you're saying okay, solet's say an example how many
booty calls I have current?
That's an intimate question,right?
So does it have?

Lyanette (25:37):
to be intimate.

Milky (25:38):
If I reveal, it's like I'm revealing, even though, if
it's multiple, or if it's one,or if it's two, even though
they're booty calls or whatever,it's still something I need to
keep, something I need to notreveal, and that's a sense of
intimacy, even though thosegirls are not wife materials,
right.

Lyanette (25:57):
No, get out of here with that.

Milky (25:58):
Get out of here with that .

Lyanette (26:00):
Oh, now he has integrity for these women that
you don't want to marry.
Get out of here with that.

Milky (26:05):
But you have to.

Justin (26:06):
You have to no, because if I know that, what's the
matter?
He's protecting them.
No, it's all essential in mymind.

Milky (26:12):
It's all essential, it's also protecting me too.
Like, why would I?
Yeah, yeah, yes, no?

Philip (26:16):
Why wouldn't you say that Get out of here.
That's all All right.

Lyanette (26:20):
Next question See, he's being really sweet.
He's protecting the booty calls.
Even though they're notmarriage material, we're still
protecting them.
That shows your heart, Milky.

Milky (26:32):
I don't have any booty calls, by the way, but yeah.
But if you did, you would havedisclosed them.
No, no, no, okay.

Lyanette (26:40):
Foundation to a relationship.
It could be.
I have five things, but I thinkI have five things, but I know
what the foundation is, but whatdo you guys think the
foundation is?
To a healthy relationship,healthy relationship.

Justin (26:55):
Obviously it's going to be communication and trust.
I mean that's a given, but itcomes in different forms.
It has to come without any needto say anything Like you just
trust, oh it'll get done, or Itrust that you'll keep me safe
or you'll do this.
It doesn't have to becommunicated, it's just you know

(27:18):
that you'll be there for me ifyou ever need anything Like
that's the trust.
Communication part is obviouslythe communication part.
It's making sure that you'rebeing very clear with things and
you're actually having theconversations that you regularly
need to have, whether it beabout home, family, finance,

(27:39):
everything that you have to dealwith in the adult world.
You have to have thoseconversations.
And even if you want to make ita real connection, the intimate
moments and where you'recommunicating, you know your
wants and your needs in thoseintimate moments, those are the
good foundation for growing, youknow, in your relationship.

Milky (27:57):
I'm still trying to figure that out.
But one thing that I do nottolerate is just disrespect.

Philip (28:03):
I just don't.

Milky (28:05):
I don't tolerate that.
That's a very broad word.
For every guy that might bedifferent, but that's one thing
I don't tolerate.
I'm still figuring out theother stuff.

Philip (28:15):
So for me, as far as just writing these things down,
for me it is trust 100 percent.
Like Justin mentioned, it's thesame thing what McQuaid has
mentioned about respect, healthycommunication, good sex.
I think that's a foundation andsomeone has the same values.

Justin (28:39):
Oh, that's a good one.

Philip (28:41):
I got to have the same values, is that person?
Yeah, and I went and I wentback to thinking my sister, my
youngest sister, carolyn, mademe create a list for my soulmate
, and I did this back in college.
Damn, I think it was.
Yeah, she made me back in 19881984.

Justin (29:00):
When I was in college in 1979.

Lyanette (29:02):
Make a list of my soulmate, and I will tell you to
do that.

Philip (29:12):
McQuaid, I wrote down a list of my soulmate and what are
the what's the deal breakers?
You know I listed who is myperfect soulmate and then I had
to go back.
Carolyn made me go back andwrite down, like star, what are
the deal breakers for thatsoulmate and values was one of

(29:34):
the main ones, because thatperson had to be, for me, a
Christian.
There's no way in the worldthat I could marry someone
that's not a Christian.
That was a deal breaker.
You did, and that's why I'm notmarried to that person now Damn
.

Lyanette (29:48):
It ain't me, but you did.

Philip (29:52):
And I did not look at my list when I did that.
Where did the list go, you?

Justin (29:56):
forgot.
He has it.
He's talking upstairs, it's inmy bubble.
You should take it out of thatBible.
I do sometimes.
I do.

Philip (30:03):
Sometimes I take a look at it and Carolyn and I sit down
in her apartment and wrote thatlist and those are the things I
go back to you know it has tobe.
I have to have trust after ourrespect.
I have to have a healthycommunication, good sex and same
values.

(30:23):
We got to have the same valuesbecause you can't, in my mind,
have a foundation in therelationship if you don't have
those things.
Obviously, there's a lot of thethings in there that you could
put, but for me that's what itis.
So what are yours, Leonette?

Lyanette (30:37):
No, I'm not a part of the men's panel.
I am not a man.
I'm not a man but I concur witha lot.
Of values are huge, socommunication is huge.
How you want to raise yourchildren has to be similar.
How you handle finances,religion, I don't care if people

(30:58):
say, oh, we can all cometogether, goodbye.
I know that, like you have, tohave similar ideas when it comes
to religion, non-religion,whatever, when it comes to
spirituality.
So those are the main things.
However, we're talking abouttruth.
You said speaking truth andbeing honest, and you said the

(31:19):
same thing.
One of my biggest pet peeves inthe whole wide world, if you
ask me, is a liar.
I hate not knowing the fulltruth, not knowing, like anytime
anybody lies to me that it's awrap.
But why do men like to omit,quote, unquote I'm using quotes.
Omit facts, omit the truth.

(31:42):
For me, it's lying.
Why do you guys do that?

Philip (31:46):
Because men don't see it that way.

Lyanette (31:48):
Well, how do you see it and this is coming from me
and from my friend Shinee, whocontributed to these questions
why do you guys like to omit thetruth and say that it's not
lying?
You talking about likegaslighting?
No, it's like.

Philip (32:02):
it's like you don't tell , you may not say everything
like Philip and I have ourbiggest arguments throughout the
marriage for filling, notsaying everything, that's
because they can't handle thetruth.

Milky (32:17):
That's it, and you know what?

Lyanette (32:22):
That's what Philip said.
He's like, well, because youwould have been upset.
Well, let me show you how upsetI can really get.

Philip (32:29):
Yeah, I have to learn.
I have to learn.
Let me tell you this.
Okay, because we said we'regoing to be honest.

Lyanette (32:36):
Yes, let's be honest.

Philip (32:36):
So let's be honest.
So the thing is, we want toavoid the fight, so we don't
mention everything that takesplace.
That doesn't mean we lied aboutit.
We just didn't tell everythingthat happened.
So that's not a lie.
We just didn't do everything.

Justin (32:55):
We just don't want to deal with the ups and downs.

Philip (32:58):
We don't want to deal with what you know, if you say
this, that it's going to createa problem.
So, if you just avoid this,then I don't.
I don't have a problem.
Now, that is the youngerversion of me, because you have
to be honest and sometimes youjust need to just you need to be

(33:19):
transparent.
That's what I've learned,because my younger version of
myself was not transparent whenit came to those things, but
what it did later was create abigger problem, because then at
some point that's going to comeout and then it's a bigger
problem.
Oh, you didn't say she wasthere, but she was there, but

(33:41):
you didn't say it.
Well, I didn't think it wasimportant to say that she was
there.

Lyanette (33:45):
You described all the other details of the situation.
He described every detail.
I did, except for that one All.

Philip (33:54):
I forgot.
Okay, I forgot.

Lyanette (33:56):
Okay.

Philip (33:56):
But that's the truth.
You don't want to have thatfight.

Lyanette (34:00):
But do you realize that as women we were born
detectives?

Milky (34:05):
The fights and we won't know not to fight.
I was born in my back.

Lyanette (34:10):
We were born detectives and we will always,
always, always, always, alwaysfind the truth out.
It may not be today, it may notbe tomorrow, but it will come.
And that, to me, is worse of areaction that you're going to
get than just saying, hey, and Iwould be like, oh, okay, well,
that sucks.
No, like if you were honest,from the rip I'd be like, okay,

(34:32):
that sucks.

Justin (34:33):
I think you guys think that, didn't?
You think that you like thatway, but no, it doesn't ever
happen that way.

Lyanette (34:38):
I think this is what I think.
Which wrath would you ratherhave, the fair or the asker?

Philip (34:42):
I think you would not react that way at the very
beginning.
But the multiple times thatyou're transparent you'll lessen
that reaction.
But the other truth is no, thatis a lie.
You would react ugly at thevery beginning and then later,
as I continue to be transparent,you won't have as much of a

(35:06):
reaction.
That's what the real deal is.
You're not like, oh, I'm gonnabe okay, it's all right.
No, that's a damn lie.
You wouldn't be like that.
You lying at me.
You lying right now.

Milky (35:19):
Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna be completely honest.
All the experience that I hadbeing completely transparent has
gone wrong.
Yes, thank you, and it hasn'tbeen the way I communicated.
It hasn't been that just theway I said it is.
It's just been that I was justcompletely honest and it's gone
wrong.
So I've learned.
Like what?
What's an example?

(35:39):
All right, I'll give you anexample.
This happened recently.
I was talking to somebody andshe she asked me if she asked me
let me see how.
I get out.
I was going to say she asked me, she asked me something and
we're not going to say no, I'mgonna be completely honest.

Lyanette (36:12):
No, that's not an example.
If you don't give us what shesaid or what she asked, well, I
told the truth.

Milky (36:24):
I said this and this and that no no, no, no, no.
What she say, no, what she sayit's a weird situation and I
don't even know what I'm tryingto find like a similar example
or something like that.
Just spit it out, actually, youcan spit out, nobody knows.

Justin (36:39):
We don't know who it is.
She don't know who it is.
What does she say?

Lyanette (36:43):
Nobody knows who this is.
Hey, you need to listen to thispodcast when I talk about you.
Nobody knows who this isNobody's gonna know.

Milky (36:50):
Dang and I give my Instagram and everything in the
beginning.

Lyanette (36:52):
How we do it.

Milky (36:53):
I'm a food following Come on.

Lyanette (37:01):
You swore that you were gonna tell the truth, and
nothing but the truth.

Milky (37:03):
But I would just say this is that it never works.
People, they just don't knowhow to take the truth and or but
.
And the right person does, theright person does.
But even though, like there'salways an excuse, there's always
oh, you didn't, you should havesaid it this way, or it's
always.
But I said what I said, youwanted to hear that, and you

(37:27):
still react in versus.
If I just didn't say anything,everything would have been good.

Lyanette (37:31):
No, I don't like that.

Milky (37:34):
And I know, and I know you don't like that, but the
reality is, the evidence is thatpeople do not react very well
with the truth, and that's whypeople like to get lied to, and
that's why it's.

Lyanette (37:45):
We like to get lied we like to get lied.
That's why they like to getlied to.

Milky (37:51):
No, sir, Listen, listen listen, because it's one thing
of what people say.
The other thing is the evidence.
We have to deal with theevidence.
People don't react very wellwith the truth and that's that's
what it is.
You know it's not right, butthat's what it is.

Lyanette (38:08):
No, I feel like men omit the truth because they feel
guilty, period.
You guys feel guilty aboutsomething and that's why you
like.
Well, let me keep this littlebit in, because why the hell are
we going to get upset aboutsomething?
No, your situation is different, because maybe someone is
asking you a question.
I didn't ask him any questions.
This mofo right here was.

Milky (38:29):
Oh sorry, I love you, you're not a mofo, you're not a
mofo, he's not a mofo everybody.

Lyanette (38:34):
He's not a mofo, but at the time he was a mofo.
He's volunteering all this.
He volunteers this information.
I'm like, oh yeah, that's greatA few weeks later, I find out
more details on like hold up,wait a minute, mr, acting like
he was giving me all this likeflowery information.
And then why did you leave thislittle tidbit out?
So that's, that's what I'mtalking about.

Philip (38:55):
So I think you're talking the generalizations for
a while.
You are so.
When it comes to someonetelling the truth, I agree with
McQuaidis in the sense that theyreally don't want to hear the
truth and they don't react well.
However, you need to continueto tell them the truth and then

(39:16):
you'll know what type of personthat is, because initially, I
don't care.
If someone tells you the truth,you telling us the truth.
We're not going to react wellinitially.
The more times you tell us thetruth, I think you give that
person a chance to be their trueselves and then, over a time,

(39:38):
then, if they're the rightperson, then they will be okay
with you telling them the truthand being transparent.
But initially, no one.
Most people because I'm that'sthe generalization most people
don't take the truth well,because they really want you to
tell them something that theywanna hear yeah.

(39:59):
Not what you really wanna tellthem, Cause you've had.
You said I've dated a lot ofpeople.
Yeah, you have.
So you have people that tellyou oh my goodness, I'm the one.
No, you're not.

Lyanette (40:10):
Then why you take me Mo Po what?

Philip (40:14):
I enjoy your company for this moment.

Milky (40:16):
Damn.
That's a great answer.

Philip (40:19):
Do you want me to tell you you don't want to lie to you
?
Well, why you in my bed?

Milky (40:25):
Why you in my?

Philip (40:25):
bed fellas.
So don't ask that question,because the question you really
don't want to answer.
You want me to tell yousomething you wanna hear.

Milky (40:33):
I got a perfect example there we go.

Lyanette (40:36):
But I need you to give details of this example.
Okay, I'll give you a gooddetails.

Milky (40:40):
I was in Florida recently .
I have a friend who's inFlorida.
He said a friend.
Oh yeah, I said a friend, andwe have met each other a few
times in the past, and whateverthat means, right, yeah, and she
always asked me this questionhey, why do you like me?
Hmm, if I say truly, why do Ilike her, would she like that

(41:06):
answer?
Or if I say, hey, I like youbecause of this or that, or is
it?

Lyanette (41:11):
right, well, why do you like her?
I don't understand the question.
So what should we melt in here?
What I do is this so I use thistrick.

Milky (41:18):
I always use this trick, I always joke around with it.
When everybody asks me thatquestion.
She's like, oh, I like youbecause of your money.
And she's like I don't have nomoney.
I'm like, oh, okay, and I justkind of leave the question up in
the air.
But really, though, but she'slike I don't know.
She's like I'm done bitch, whyare you with me, why do you like

(41:42):
me?

Philip (41:42):
So it's like you don't want to hear it.

Milky (41:45):
Do you really want to hear the answer?
Why do I like, you Like, why amI with you?
Or you don't want to hear thatanswer?
You want to hear?

Lyanette (41:52):
the other answer Are you with her because she's your
booty call in Florida?

Milky (41:56):
If I say the truth, what will her reaction be?
We won't even be friendsanymore.
She won't be happy with it,exactly.
So that's a little hard of aquestion because we generalize,
but the reality is, oh she, Idon't know, that's a single lie.

Justin (42:12):
No, no listen.

Lyanette (42:14):
Okay, let's all put ourselves back in a single life
place.
That's what I'm doing as awoman.
I think she's asking thatbecause she deep down knows that
she's not the one for you.
We want to feel special.

Milky (42:29):
We don't want to feel like a fucking booty call Right,
so I'll give her a specialanswer.
I'll give her a special answer.
No.

Lyanette (42:36):
And so no, and so truth and trust is held together
.

Milky (42:40):
I can't believe.
I'm talking about it.
I'm not even speaking.

Lyanette (42:44):
No, my thing is like right now, after 18 years, if
Phillips speaks truth to me, wehave built a trust over you,
like I have learned to trust him.
So his truth is not going tohurt me as much because I know
it's coming from a place of love.
But when I'm just dating youand you're like lying and

(43:04):
omitting, truth.

Philip (43:06):
Those are two different worlds, like, unfortunately,
those are two different worlds.

Lyanette (43:10):
You're just using her and she knows it and she just
wants to tell herself you are.

Philip (43:16):
You are, you're using her body.

Lyanette (43:20):
And so because.
But why would he speak thetruth?

Justin (43:22):
You know what?
She may just have really goodpasses to Disney.

Lyanette (43:26):
Like you never know, like when I've seen this dude,
he likes Disney.
And so why wouldn't you tellher the truth?

Milky (43:34):
because you know the truth is not what she wants to
hear.
It's not what she wants to hear, so what are you asking?

Lyanette (43:41):
Because you're lying to her thinking that she's like,
you're treating her special,and that's the thing.

Milky (43:48):
Even right now, this very moment, I'm telling the truth
and the reaction that I'mgetting is not like oh okay, I
understand what's the truth,though In my mind her asking
that question just seemed veryinsecure to me, it is, it is
insecure.

Lyanette (43:58):
It's a very insecure question and when you don't have
trust in a man, you areinsecure.
But when you have theconfidence, when you have the
confidence like this man has.

Justin (44:07):
He knows well enough.
If he tells her the truth,she's just gonna bounce, she's
just not gonna be in the pictureanymore.

Lyanette (44:12):
Well, let her bounce and get the bounce, get the
bounce.

Milky (44:16):
And again, like my example is just a, you guys are
little snakes in the grass.

Lyanette (44:19):
That's all I'm saying.

Milky (44:20):
My example is a common example.

Lyanette (44:22):
This is not the only.
Oh, I know, oh, I know you're.
It's a common example, it'svery common, yeah.

Milky (44:27):
So then again and you can build up on that why you ask a
question and if I answer I'mjust gonna hurt your feelings.
So, me being a nice guy that Iam, why would I hurt your
feelings?
But?

Lyanette (44:39):
you're not.

Justin (44:40):
She just wants to reaffirm in her mind that she's
making that up.
I don't know.
I think you guys have it all.

Lyanette (44:45):
The reason I have a very strong reaction is because
I've been that girl.
I've been that girl.
I know I'm amazing, but notevery man that has come through
my world just thought I wasamazing.
So you get a little triggerbecause they in one way act like
oh yes, but then on the otherhand they're so question for you

(45:06):
Stop wasting my effin' time.
Question for you.

Philip (45:08):
now it's a question for you, and let's go to the next
question.
It's a question for you.
When you ask that question,don't you already know the
answer?

Lyanette (45:17):
Yes, we do deep down, but we don't want it to admit it
.
But yes, you're right, we do,we do.
Yeah, okay, a lot of us knowdeep down, but we're at that age
.
If they're in their 20s, early30s, we're dumb.
Even some women in their 50sthey're dumb.

Justin (45:34):
You're getting played.

Lyanette (45:36):
You know that you're getting played.

Philip (45:38):
You're just trying to get confirmation that you're
getting played.

Lyanette (45:40):
We're hoping deep down that we're not getting played
yeah but you know you are.

Philip (45:44):
You know, you are.

Lyanette (45:45):
Because we just want to feel love.
Justin, you want love, I get it.

Milky (45:50):
Background music.

Lyanette (45:52):
All right, all right, all right.
Next question this is from Dawn.
With the changes climate shiftfrom the last few years
involving women's rights, forexample, hashtag me too.
Equal wage discussions, morewomen being the sole income
providers, et cetera, et ceterahow has this impacted men?
How do you guys feel about that?

(46:12):
Because I've heard you know, Ilisten to podcasts and radio and
stuff and men feeling like theyare pins and needles, like what
do we say?
Is that PC?
Blah, blah, blah.
How does that affect you guys?

Justin (46:26):
For me it doesn't affect me.
I understand the value thatwomen bring to any place, like,
whether it be the home, theoffice or anything like that.
What sometimes, I guess, makesme a little like I was like all
right, we want all these equalrights, but then we also want

(46:46):
the men to do more and to dolike.
And there are still I thinkthere's still a lot of men who
don't live in that world ofwanting to be that type of man.
I think there's still a lot ofmen who like to hold on to the
more traditional sense of whatmen are in a home or in an
office and everything.
And it's not because they'reresistant to it, I think that

(47:08):
it's just that they're notaccustomed to it or not.
In this they don't have thesame fervor of change as the
women want, like the women thewomen wanted.
Now, ok, it's our time.
You know, we did this march andeverything.
And the men are like great, welove you and we support you.
Just give us some time.

(47:29):
Right, there's going to be agenerational shift.
You're going to see this happenyears from now and you're
starting to see it even now in alot of the Gen Zers and maybe
the lower end of the millennials, where you're seeing a lot more
men accepting of those equalrights and taking more ownership
of what you would consider moretraditional family, the family

(47:53):
values of a woman's in place inthe home or in an office or
anything like that.
So you're seeing that changealready shifting.
So you're going to see theolder generations start to move
a little bit more towards thecenter, but by that time they're
going to be older, they'regoing to be in their rocking
chairs and retired and all ofthat.
And then you're going to seeeventually that change happened

(48:14):
over time.
But it's what I think sometimeswe get wrapped up in and this
also goes for Black Lives Mattermovements, for Brown Lives
Matter movements, for any kindof movement.
As much as we want things tochange immediately and as
passionate as we can be about it, it doesn't happen that way in
this country, like we're stillhaving shootings and people mass

(48:38):
murdered on a very regularbasis and we know how to change
it, but it hasn't.
And it's the same thing with thetraditional home, it's the same
thing with the values of thiscountry, and what's really
struggles is there's not a realconversation that puts just
people and understanding of justunderstanding other people.

(48:58):
At the center of theconversation.
It's I want this and I wantthis now, and each individual
group is moving towards that,and it makes it very hard
because there's so many voicesin the room.
So, through all of that, Ithink for women, I think it's
finding the support and findingthe individuals and especially

(49:19):
the older generation maybe, wholooks at it as like, eh, you
know, they're a little bit moretraditional, working on them to
understand, you know that.
Then accept some of this changefor those who are resistant to
it, and then figure out ways tocommunicate that in a very, you
know, reasonable manner, thatit's not this overburdening

(49:39):
thing of well, I want this now.

Philip (49:41):
So equal pay is different.

Justin (49:43):
That should happen immediately, right?
Of course that should be 100%and I hope that there's laws in
that.
I'm not as political as I oncewas, way back in the day, but I
think there's plenty ofopportunity for men to get on
that board and it's alsowelcoming those individuals Like
, hey, come be a part of thiswith me.
I mean honestly, I think notthat it's, anyway, self-serving

(50:06):
at all, but I think just thefact that I'm here doing this
podcast is I want to be a partof what that voice sounds like
in the future, and if mydaughters ever figure out how to
podcast works which I dobecause they were trying to ask
me today- I was like what's the?
name of that podcast again andI'm like nah, I was like I don't

(50:30):
know what that means I love it.
But like eventually, like havingthose conversations and
involving more men who arenon-traditionally and you know,
it's great to have cheerleadersbut it's better to have enemies
or to have resistors withconversations and then just have
casual conversations, like I'llsay this I live and am

(50:54):
surrounded by and interact witha lot of racist people.
I've been around a lot ofracist people and I treat them
the same way that I would treata brother or a sister or anybody
in my circle, because eventhough they may not essentially
believe the same things that Ibelieve in, I still need to

(51:15):
treat them as a human, asterrible as that makes.
I think God told me no, I haveto love him or her in the same
way that I love my children andin that way, over time you will
see this change.
It's just time.
It's hard.

Philip (51:31):
I have nothing to say.
It's so hard Justin killed it.

Lyanette (51:35):
He dropped the mic on that one.
That's a mic drop, it's veryhard.
Yeah, that's good.
I feel like you Is that it no.
I think sometimes, as a woman,we want to be seen, we want to
be heard, and I've learned inbeing married to Phillip if you
look at us, we do havetraditional roles, like he is

(51:57):
the breadwinner and I stay home.
Yeah, I work, but not when I'mnot bringing in all the money,
but I handle the household.
I'm the manager of our house.
So, looking at us, it istraditional.
However, like, I'm okay withthat because with that he

(52:17):
respects me as his partner andwe do things as partners, we
communicate, we look at thefinances together.
So I think what women arelooking at when they talk about,
like the patriarch is they'relooking at the man controlling
everything and the woman beingin the dark and not knowing
anything.

(52:38):
And I think it's gone to theextreme where it's like I want
to be mis-independent Well, youcan still be independent in this
relationship.
And so I'm conflicted sometimesbecause I am very, like,
pro-woman.
We're powerful, we're amazing.
However, it's okay to likeallow the man to lead in certain
situations because, trust me, Ihave a mouth and I will lead

(53:01):
what I want to lead, but havingthat man allow that when
necessary.
So it's for me finding theright partner and not getting
stuck in the patriarch, becausenot every man that is the
breadwinner, that is kind of theleader of their house.
They're not always like thesemalicious men, if that makes

(53:21):
sense.

Justin (53:21):
I feel like we have like Sometimes we're painted as that
though.

Lyanette (53:24):
I know and that sucks.
I feel like that sucks because-.

Justin (53:30):
No, I don't think it sucks Like.
Here's the-.

Lyanette (53:32):
That good men like you guys are painted into that line
.

Justin (53:35):
Yeah, but that's the thing.
It's not.
You know real men won't takethat personally.

Lyanette (53:40):
Yes, right, real men will take that kind of reaction
personally.

Justin (53:45):
Real men will want to listen and be like no, there's a
reason why they react that way.
When women react that way,maybe it's something that's
rooted in their history of howthey grew up, or something like
that.
It could be something rootedway deeper than I'm even able to
understand.
But you have to let the womenbe heard at least.
But when you're heard, youcan't just be shouting out these

(54:09):
things and hope that thingschange.
It's when the conversation thenbecomes a lot more like it goes
back down to the foundations ofeven relationships and
marriages, and even when you'redating.
It's.
As long as you're communicatingopenly and honestly and you're
actually sitting down andworking out those kinks and

(54:30):
being honest with yourself, likethis conversation, a lot of
things will come to light and alot of that change happens that
way.
It's slow and it's progressive,but it happens.
It can happen, but it does takean open mouth.

Lyanette (54:48):
It does, and I'm hoping that with men more like
you guys, that are moreprogressive, that you guys
become like the majority.

Justin (54:58):
I'm progressive in a lot of ways, but I'm very
traditional and a lot more Iknow.
But that's my point.

Lyanette (55:04):
We can be traditional, but not in the old school,
traditional way of when I say,oh, we're traditional, people
think, oh well, phillip iscontrolling and he's like what
he says goes.
No, that's not how.
That's not, I don't know.
And how is it with dating?
Because I feel like you come toour house milky and we talk

(55:27):
about relationships.
Sometimes I'm in there in thatconversation and I don't know if
it's come from you, but I'veheard, like I said, a lot of
podcasts and radio and stuff,how women today, like 30s and
20s, they wanna be independentand they wanna be like their own
woman, but yet they want you tobe quote unquote traditional

(55:48):
when it suits them, when itbenefits them.

Justin (55:53):
Yeah.

Lyanette (55:54):
But we can't have it both ways, like we have to kind
of integrate it somehow.

Milky (55:58):
So yeah, definitely.
I feel like some both partnerhas to be comfortable with, and
I think, the definition of theword cause when we talk about
tradition, I mean look what youjust said.
I mean you guys are workingperfectly and you're saying you
know, I like that the woman havea voice and all that, but the
way that I work with my partneris this way.
So it's basically the way thatpeople interpret it, cause as

(56:21):
soon as I say traditional, it'slike a box.
Oh yeah, and I'm sure the wallsgo up Right.
The walls go up and, to becompletely fair, when somebody
say independent, I have adifferent perspective than I
think.
And but even as I was hearingyou right now, I'm like, oh okay
, well, that makes sense thatshe does as a voice and Philip

(56:43):
gives her a chance to say whatshe has to say.
And I've been here in thishouse and you control everything
in here.
So it's like, yeah, I do, yeah.

Lyanette (56:50):
I do Say it again Milky.

Justin (56:53):
Yeah, that's the part, hey, Milky.
Hey, can we cut this out?

Lyanette (56:56):
No, we just let him think that he controls it, Okay
but it's fine for me.

Milky (56:59):
There you go, yeah, but it's a great and it's a
beautiful and you know, comingfrom the outside in, I mean,
it's very stable, stable familyand it's growing and I can see
how the kids are learning orgetting their driver's license
and they're doing all that stuff, so it works.
But I think that it's thedefinition, it's the agenda.

(57:21):
It's like what is being saidand then when you talk to that
person, you automaticallythinking about what is being
said instead of saying well,asking questions.
I always tell them yeah, tell memore.
What does this mean to you?
When you think abouttraditional, when you think
about masculine?
God wants us to be masculine,but what is the biblical term of
masculinity versus the world'sterm of masculinity?

(57:43):
So, just asking those questionsto see where that person's
coming from, because they mightthink exactly how I think, but
they just when we mentioned theword, they just define it
differently.

Lyanette (57:54):
Yeah, well, piggybacking on that, Corey
asked how important is to be thebreadwinner.
And would you feel less of aman if she was the breadwinner?

Milky (58:07):
That's too funny.
Let's shout out to Corey.

Lyanette (58:10):
And Corey is a man and he provided a lot of questions
coming from him.
Thank Corey.

Philip (58:16):
So thank you, corey.
I appreciate that this is funnybecause in dental school,
majority of our class I saidprobably about 80% of our class
were women.
Well, and when they were andthat's now the dynamic in the

(58:38):
geographic breakdown indentistry majority of people
graduating from dental schoolare women.
So that's 60 to 80% ofgraduates are women.
So now, being a dentist, you'remarrying a man and you are the

(59:00):
sole breadwinner.
You make more money than yourhusband and that was a huge
issue with a lot of ourclassmates Because the man is
used to being the breadwinner,the man is used to being the one
that makes most of the moneyand they have to marry or date a

(59:21):
person that is can accept thatand, to be honest, that's a huge
paradigm shift for the woman tobe the breadwinner.
So for a man to be matureenough to handle that means a
lot and that is difficult.
I mean, to be honest, I'venever had to experience that.

Lyanette (59:47):
Not yet.
Not yet, but when Varago 24-7blows up.

Philip (59:54):
Oh, to be transparent.
No, you're ex-wife I did lieabout that because my ex-wife
was a specialist, so she mademore money than me.
I was okay with that.
It didn't matter to me becauseit's a win-win.
They make more money, I makemore money, we can do more

(01:00:15):
things, we have more access.
I didn't have that issuebecause I had a strong mother
figure who handled her, so shewas not the breadwinner.
But you didn't know, she wasn'tthe breadwinner in our
household because she handledall the decisions.
Now, when it came to bigdecisions, yes, daddy made those

(01:00:36):
decisions.
However, she manifest strongwomen in our family.
My sisters are strong.
It was something that I justknew was okay.
I didn't think anything crazyabout that.
So, having someone that mademore money than me in my first

(01:00:57):
marriage, I had no ego about it,I had no issues about it and it
was fine.
So that wasn't an issue.
But the reality is, I thinkmost men would have a problem
with that.

Lyanette (01:01:11):
Do they have little pee-pees?

Philip (01:01:12):
No, so they need their bank accounts to be, very big no
, let them know.

Milky (01:01:19):
I would say that maybe this is maybe.
Maybe they feel like theapartment will not treat them
the same just because they'renot getting enough money.
So that will probably triggerthe insecurity if there is any
or maybe it does happen andthat's where that feeling comes
in.
So it maybe has a lot to dowith the other person's reaction
, but that's maybe, or maybethey have a little pee-pee,

(01:01:42):
maybe.
All right.

Philip (01:01:44):
So, justin, what do you think?
So I?

Justin (01:01:49):
actually, I'd love to know the root of that question,
because is it money that are wetalking about?
Money, is it, equates to power?
Yeah, that's what I'm talkingabout.
That's kind of like where I wasthinking which I think is a
premise is we're thinking aboutit in the wrong way.
Power in a household, or powerin a family, can come in many

(01:02:10):
forms, attying it to money.
I'd be interested in knowingwhy it's tied to money, because
if you look at it and you breakdown like a natural family, a
traditional, we'll use you guysas an example.
You called yourself the managerof the house, the manager of
the home, right?
There's a lot of work that goesinto that.
It's unpaid.
If you were to calculate thattime and that effort that you
spend, you might get close, evenmaybe even pass that by If

(01:02:34):
you're looking and you'rebreaking it down that way, right
?
So if it's really the questionis less about, it's about does
money, the amount of money thatyou provide for the family, is
that important on who holds thedecisions in the household, if
that's kind of how I'minterpreting that question.

I think some men, because in my answer to.

Justin (01:02:57):
That would be regardless of who makes more money, the
decisions in the householdtypically fall on the man to
make, and that's traditional,even nontraditional, in a lot of
homes, at least I know.
I would like to know in thehomes where that is flipped or

(01:03:17):
reversed, where the woman is theone who's making all of those
decisions, and I will raise myhand and you're raising your
hand.

Yeah, which I?

Justin (01:03:27):
think that's the more interesting question here,
because it's really trying tounderstand that dynamic, as
opposed to asking the men likethree men, because I think it's
a deeper question.

I think what happens is I think there's some men that
are very they need to go totherapy and so that's why they
could not be with someone that,no, it's true they have.
Their value is on providing.
That's how they see their valueMost men are.
Yeah, I think with Philliplisten, he, like I, make a ton

(01:04:01):
of decisions, even financialdecisions, the big stuff we come
together.
But there's some things thatI'm like, oh, I'll persuade him
and if it's not a big deal tohim, he goes along with what I'm
saying.
But the moment he's like, yeah,no, we're not doing that, then
I respect that and I think it'sbecause I do have a lot of I
don't want to say control, but Ido have a lot of decision power

(01:04:24):
making, whatever you want tocall it in the, in the
relationship.
So when he says no, I don'ttake offense to it because I'm
like I get like 90% of my way.
So this little 10% is and whenhe's putting his foot down, and
I think it goes back to trustingthat your partner has the best
interest of the family.
So, as women, we can't betrifling.

(01:04:46):
We got to be like.
You know what I'm saying.
We can't be trifling.
We have to see that the man isworking very hard, bringing in
the income providing this house.
And, yes, I'm working just ashard.
Like you said, I'm not gettingpaid for it, maybe in other ways
, but Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Milky (01:05:07):
Okay, not commercial Good , commercial Good commercial
Good commercial.

No, but I just wish that most men can just put their
egos down.
If they can just lay it downjust for a second, the woman
could feel more empowered andmore trusting of your leadership
.
Like, if you don't trustsomeone's leadership, then
there's always going to befriction and I don't know Well.

Justin (01:05:35):
I guess the follow up question to that would be like
why did you marry that man?
Like if it wasn't, if?
I married the broke man thenanything that he worked for
that's just ours.
Yeah, but if I married the richman, why did you marry the rich
man?

Yeah.

Philip (01:05:52):
Because you're already setting yourself up for that
dynamic at the very start and ifthat relationship is based upon
that, then guess what?

Justin (01:06:01):
That's what you're going to live.

Philip (01:06:02):
If you're going to try to change that, that's not going
to happen.

Justin (01:06:05):
It's going back to my answer to the previous question,
that's just going to take awhole lot of time and he's got
to be willing to listen, and ifhe's not listening at the very
beginning, he's not going tolisten to five, 10, 15, 20 years
down the road.
That's just not how that works.
So in that kind of environment.
But those are decisions thatwere made a very long time ago,

(01:06:27):
depending on how long it was.

Well, philip, okay, so when you were broke, when I
married you, you were at thelevel where you are now, but you
weren't broke.
And so what allowed like?
What was it?
What had to happen to get towhere we are today?
Because I was a young20-something year old with like

(01:06:49):
no clue and no money and so anddefinitely no money.

Milky (01:06:56):
And definitely no money.

And I didn't marry you for your money, by the way.

Philip (01:07:01):
I know that.
Come on totally, man, so youknow what.

Milky (01:07:05):
You know what you want to marry me.
I can be a neighbor.

Stay from me, son.
Okay, stay from me, brother,give me some money and you work
for stuff.

Philip (01:07:14):
I did, I did, I did.
So you know what it was.
It was two things, two foes.
Again, it goes back to mymother.
She was a strong, strong womanwho handled our household.
Every man still goes back totheir mother.
When it comes to who you wantto marry, I don't care how you

(01:07:36):
want to look at it, how you foolyourself.
You want someone that's similarto that person.
So you want a strong woman, andfor me, yes.
Initially I paid all the billsand all the finances, and when
you came to me and said you knowwhat?

(01:07:57):
I can take care of this for you, I was so happy.

Well, it didn't happen like that I cried like a little
baby.
I was like, oh my gosh, I gotto be dependent on you.

Milky (01:08:06):
This is not the way I envisioned my baby.
He's so sweet, he's like youcame to me.

No, I was like I was mortified, not mortified.
I was so upset that, oh my gosh, I never wanted to be dependent
on a man and here I am having ababy, my second baby depending
on a man, and it was horriblefeeling.
It was horrible feeling.

Philip (01:08:29):
But I was so happy to not have to deal with paying all
the bills, taking care ofeverything.

I mean, you're still paying the bills.
I'm just making sure they go tothe right, yeah, but I didn't
have to pay the bills.

Philip (01:08:41):
Yeah, you know, I was doing all of that initially when
we married.
So when you came to me and waslike, hey, I can do this, I was
so happy that was one less thingoff my plate.
And I trusted you that you canhandle the finances.
So I was happy to give that toyou and I never questioned it,

(01:09:08):
because now it would bedifferent if we were like
missing bills and we're payingcertain things.

How do you know that didn't happen?

Milky (01:09:16):
I don't have an offshore account.
You guys messed that up.
You guys are going so loud,right?
Yeah, we're doing it.

Philip (01:09:25):
So when I saw that man she's taking care of it, she's
handling it, I was so happy thatyou were going to take care of
it.
First of all, that you wantedto take care of it, and in our
household that I grew up in,daddy took care of everything.
Mom didn't pay anything.
I mean there was certain thingsshe paid.

(01:09:45):
She took care of it.
She'd take care of thetelephone, because she was
always on the phone.
She made sure that was on right.
But she bought her furs and shewent out and shopped and she was
a school teacher.

Justin (01:09:59):
School teachers don't make money, they don't.

Philip (01:10:04):
But she ran the household and I saw daddy, who
was the breadwinner, still letmama make all those decisions.
So that was my perspective.
So that was different, that wasunique.
I can't say that that's themajority and that's what most
men think, but that's what Igrew up thinking.

(01:10:26):
And then when you stepped upand said, hey, I'm going to take
care of it, then I was okaywith that.
And then you showed that youcould take care of it and then I
checked out yeah, you did.
You don't know where the bodiesare buried, or nothing I have no
clue what you do with the moneyand how you build the bills and

(01:10:47):
all those things, and I'm okaywith that because you know what
I don't know.
I don't know any of those things, which is so crazy because in
my men's group at church it'sthe opposite.
All of them do it.
Yeah, the women in our men'sgroup have no clue about the

(01:11:10):
finances that's going on in thehouse.
If the men would pass away, thewomen would have no clue how to
handle finances and bills, andthe majority I can't do a
generalization but the majority,so it's the opposite.
I checked out because you knowwhat?
Again, we are simple creatures.

(01:11:31):
If there's one less thing thatI have to deal with and I have
to concern myself with, I'mhappy about.
I have enough to do with whenit comes to work and other
things, and if you're going totake that off my plate, I'd be
crazy enough to be okay with it.
That's so trusting, phillip, sotrusting, but you have to show

(01:11:53):
that you can handle it, becauseif you couldn't handle it,
obviously I would step in, butthat's not the case.
So yeah, I have no issues withthat.

These are intense questions.
Okay, so we were talking aboutme managing the household and I
just recently did a podcast onmental load.
Do you guys know what mentalload is?
Yeah, 100%?

Justin (01:12:15):
And if you do, what does it mean?

to you.
Yeah, Phillip doesn't know.
That's why I did a wholepodcast on it, justin, so please
educate the men on what mentalload is and how can you help?

Justin (01:12:28):
Okay, so the way I understand it on mental load is
all well.
One women were builtspecifically for mental load
because they are multitaskers.

Okay, this is something that.
I've learned over my time Waitwere we built for it or does it
default on us?
And so we just got to look atthe guy.

Justin (01:12:48):
I have yet to meet a woman who's unable to multitask
in my day.

If you need one best introduce me to her, because I
would love to meet this unicorn.
Okay.

Justin (01:12:58):
Men are very simple.
It's just one track in mind,one thing at a time.
Go from here, go from there.
We're very linear.
What mental, what was it?
Mental, mental load, mental load, what the mental load is being
inundated with everything thatis there responsible as women

(01:13:18):
and its households, its man,household managers.
And the bird is that it comeswith having to manage every
little thing.
What time is my kidsappointment?
What time is their dentistappointment?
What do I have this week?
I have to cook dinner.
I have to do this.
I'm grading papers.
You know my wife's a teacher.
I am.
Every single day.
I'm constantly reminded aboutthis mental load.

(01:13:39):
Now, on my end, it's all aboutthe simplification.
I look at it as a logisticalsense of how can I make
everything work smarter and notharder to relieve some of that
mental load.
But if I make those suggestions, you have to adhere to them

(01:13:59):
because it's a system right.
Look some of our greatestinventors in time Steve Jobs,
who was that dude from Amazon?
Bezos go through, read all ofthe great people that are out
there.
There's a reason why Steve Jobswore black turtlenecks and
jeans his entire life, becausethat was one less decision he

(01:14:21):
had to make.
Again, when it comes down to it, mental load is just the
ability to make decisions and,just like that unicorn, the
women that I have in my life,that I've come across they have
the hardest time makingdecisions.

Go ahead, go ahead.
I was joking Go ahead, go ahead.

Justin (01:14:43):
And because of that, it ends up putting more of a mental
load on things, whereas men,you just try to make a decision
and move on.
Oh Justin, good or bad, good orbad, good or bad.
Make a decision and move on,justin.

No, there are many of men where hey, where's this?
Oh, what's this?
Oh, what time?
Oh, you go to the grocery store.
Wait, what do we want?
Okay, you have the samechildren.
They have been around the sameamount of time in my life that
they've been around in your life, except you have stepchildren.
But why are you calling me toask me what they're going to eat

(01:15:23):
?
You should know what they'reeating.
You should know what they like.
Like, I understand what you'resaying.
Yes, women.

Justin (01:15:29):
Make me a list.

That's part of the mental load Justin Making.
The list is one more thing onthe mental load.
Thank you, Listen just becausewhat's so hard about making a
list?
Get out of here.
What is so hard about making alist?

Milky (01:15:44):
That's so hard about making a list.
You make the list.

Justin (01:15:49):
Justin, look, look, look , you make the list, you make
the list, justin, I'll make thelist.
I will sit here and you tell mewhat the list is.

That's part of the list.
Okay, so you don't reallyclearly understand what mental
load is.
That's part of it.
No, why?
It's like you're like the child.

Philip (01:16:07):
No.

Justin (01:16:07):
What I have to tell you what to do next.

Milky (01:16:10):
No, now put on your sock, now put on your shoe, now tie
your shoe.

Justin (01:16:14):
Now put on your jacket Now like no, that's part of the
mental load, justin, it is theteach a man to fish.

Get out of here.
You make one list one time.
I'm not trying to teach you.
I'm not trying to teach you tofish.

Milky (01:16:24):
There's no biology, even now.

Philip (01:16:25):
Your girl man.
Man, you make it one time no.

Justin (01:16:28):
And then you know what the list is.
Do I have access to my wife'sKroger account for her pickup
orders?

Milky (01:16:34):
No, Do I see what she buys every week.
Yes, it's everything that Idon't need.

Justin (01:16:40):
It's everything that the kids eat, so the kids are
taking care of.

Milky (01:16:46):
But I got no steaks.

Justin (01:16:47):
I got no meat.
There's no red meat.
There's no chicken wings,nothing that's good in there.

I think.
No, this is the thing.
I think you guys are missingthe point.
You painted it beautifully, butthen you, like you, took your
truck and crashed over the wholeidea of what you just presented
, because that is part of it.
It's like I'm already managingall this shit.
Okay, I already have this shit,already have in decisions.

(01:17:16):
Like you said, I'm indecisive,okay.

Milky (01:17:18):
A lot of us are.

And then you're going to come to me asking me what to
put on the fucking grocery list.
And here's what I don't give ashit.
I'm feeling like I said I don't.
I literally tell him I don'twant to.
I am not in the mood to thinkright now.
I need you to buy what you needfor yourself.
It's very sweet, it's verysweet.
He calls.

(01:17:39):
He's like what do you need?
What do the kids need?
At this moment, Right, thissecond, my brain does not want
to think.
I don't know what we have.
I don't know we don't have.
So you just focus on yourself.
You buy your stuff.

Justin (01:17:51):
Okay, Good Look.
I wish you didn't have to callme to tell me what I need.

You should already know what I need, what you need.
When I go to the store, do Icall you and ask you what?

Milky (01:18:01):
you need.

No, because I know that you need the strawberries
and I know you want theblueberries and I know you what
kind of yogurt you like, and Iknow what kind of milk you don't
drink or don't drink.
I don't have to call you to askyou what we need, because I
already know Okay.

Philip (01:18:16):
All right, I'm a milk.

Justin (01:18:20):
I'm a milk.

Milky (01:18:26):
So I'm so good to like hear this perspective because,
like I've never considered itSeriously, I understand.
Now listen, I'm sending you upfor success for your future
marriage.

Thank you, thank you.

Justin (01:18:36):
I understand this, but I'm open your eyes again too.

Milky (01:18:40):
Okay, Justin, come on out for one for one.

Justin (01:18:42):
I love.
I love that you know,especially in my household, my
wife does all the groceryshopping.
She does all the groceryshopping for the kids and for
herself and for herself.
I get nothing.

It's okay.
But that's okay, I don't mind.
Did you know what you like,justin?

Justin (01:18:58):
I don't think she does.

Sorry, thanks, karen.
Literally she will.

Justin (01:19:06):
FaceTime me and it's in the meat section and be like
which one do you want?

Oh wow, which steak do you want?
Maybe you're just particular,justin, I know, but I am very
particular.
Maybe that's why she can't holdthe trigger.

Justin (01:19:19):
All right, but here's the other, but the same, the
same mental load that women have, and I understand there's a lot
that they have to deal withbecause they are multitaskers.
For me, in my household and formy experience, mental load is
different because I work in thecreative industry.
So my mind during the day isalways at work, so it's always

(01:19:43):
functioning and trying to figureout, whether it be creative or
logistics or scripts or oranything that's that's, that's a
focus of my job.
It is my mind.
It's not a task, it's my mindthat's at work.
So the same thing of likedigging a ditch and you know, on
the side of a highway, thatsame physical assertion that
those men go through I'm havingto do instead with my mind.

(01:20:04):
So at the end of the day, whenI'm clocking out for work, all I
want to do is just sit on acouch with a glass of bourbon
and watch the game or watch TVand just zone out and nobody
bothered me.
That's my mental unload, right,but that is soon as.
I laid down and put the blanketon.
There's there, she is rightthere I was like yeah, that'll

(01:20:32):
happen later.
Right now, I just needed likejust everything out, I just need
to relax.

Well, you think women don't want to just sit and relax
?
You can sit and relax.
Look we're adults.

Justin (01:20:41):
You can sit and relax and do anything you want at any
time.

That's what the joy about being an adult is.
When you're kids, you alwayslike.

Justin (01:20:48):
I wish I could just do whatever I want, and then you
get to when you do whatever youwant, and then you find out you
can't Right, yeah, but here'sthe thing you can.

Milky (01:20:59):
Yes, you know, but your house is going to be messy
You're, you know things aregoing to be just organized.
I don't like it messy because Ican't sit and relax, but a guy
can.

But you guys are nasty , that's why Exactly Nasty.

Justin (01:21:12):
We can sit.
No, we're not nasty.

There you are, no we'll just hire a maid to come
do it.

Philip (01:21:18):
Where's our maid?
I don't know where our maid is.
We can fire her, she's slipping.

Justin (01:21:24):
No, I could go on top.

No, no, no, no here, look, that's a prime example.

Justin (01:21:29):
Here's a prime example.
Okay, and I'm okay to sharethis.
Share it, okay.
So very, very recent, we used tohave maid service and then and
then it I thought they wereovercharging us so I stopped,
but the house started to justpile up, pile up, pile up
Everything, like just you wouldnotice things and I'm just like
this this is not the way youwant to live.

(01:21:50):
My wife's an educator and she'snow in grad school, so it's
like you work during the day andyou come home and you work even
more, and then on the weekends,as a teacher, you still work,
but then you work even morebecause you have to do grad
school work, plus the kids, pluseverything else, plus, you know
it piles up.
It's a lot and I understandthat there's a lot of mental

(01:22:12):
load that goes into there andthere's breaking points to that.
One of the things that alwaysgets left behind is the home
just clean.
What I have found and what Ihave learned through research
and through studies and throughpodcasts is when you come home
to a messy house or you comehome to clutter, it
automatically puts you in astate of anxious.
I experienced it on a veryregular basis.

(01:22:32):
There's a lot of people whoexperienced this on a regular
basis and if you were listeningat home, experience this on a
regular basis.
Do me a favor, try it.
Just get a maid for like for amonth.
It's like maybe you knowanywhere ranging, depending on
the size of your home, from $125, which is to 200, 250,
depending on how big your houseis.
But if you do it just one timea month, it will allow you to

(01:22:58):
unload and come home to a cleanhouse, and especially when
they've just been there for thatfirst week or weekend, where
you come home, where it's notsomething you even had to think
about and you just feel morerelaxed, like you can.
You get re-energized by thatand it's very important.
That's a little thing, right?
So learn from that littleinvestment.

(01:23:18):
You're investing money intothis one act and you're you know
you're providing this relief,right?
So if you take that same act andyou look at other little ways
that you can do it streamlining,you know the way that your kids
come home.
So when my kids come home, youhave to have a routine.
All right, they're alwayscoming home hungry, so you know,

(01:23:40):
all right, let's get the snacksout.
Let's make sure that there's asystem, all right, what do they
like when they come home?
Let's have that ready for themwhen they come home.
Or when they come home.
Don't want to come home andjust clutter up the house?
All right, let's put some hookson the wall, let's start
building.
And then, when you come home,backpacks go here, homework
comes out, here's your desk,here's your thing, here's where
you need to go and get your workdone, put things into routines

(01:24:02):
and it's one less thing you haveto think about.

What is doing the hook thing at the woman or the man?

Justin (01:24:08):
Whoever you are, okay, also you are.

Milky (01:24:11):
It's just mental.
No, you see why this is very.

You see why I'm passionate about the mental.

Milky (01:24:18):
It's just that I'm doing it yeah.

But yeah, no, no those little things.

Justin (01:24:24):
So, but it takes, it takes, it takes time it takes
effort it takes individuals todo those actions on their own
and sometimes for me, andespecially a lot of men that I
know, there's a motivationfactor, right.
So there's a lack of thatmotivation because you never get
up for your ass to actually goand do something like that.
But you know that it can be done, but you just never go and do

(01:24:46):
it, because it's one thing outof there, and then for me,
that's what that's.
What I run into on a constantbasis is the lack of motivation,
because I'm so like exhaustedeither at the end of the day or
something that I just I justdon't want to think about things
like that.

Those are simple.
I think we all do, but it stillhas to get done, and I think,
as women were.
For example, if someone walksinto your home like if my mother
comes to visit, is she going tobe like, oh well, Philip didn't
clean.
And look at this.
No, they're going to blame thewoman for their house looking a
certain kind of way, or theirkids acting a certain kind of
way.
The man is never blamed foranything out of the North.

(01:25:25):
It's the woman, yeah.

Milky (01:25:27):
I understand that that's just to be fair, let's add your
culture, let's add which we haveto see culture and culture is
hardcore, milky Right, but let'shave a hard core when it comes
to like that.
Yeah, that's just a possibility.
It does, it does.
But if your mom comes in andshe turns on the light and it

(01:25:47):
doesn't come on, and or she goesto the fridge and there's
nothing in there, she's gonnasay it's Philip working.

No, that's true.

Milky (01:25:56):
That's true.

Justin (01:26:00):
What's he even doing out there?
Is he buying you guys food?

Milky (01:26:02):
Is he feeding you?
That's true.
He's watching TV.
You know what's going on.
He's eating.
What's going on?
This?

Philip (01:26:08):
boy's just getting fat and doing nothing.
What's this like?
Hold on, hold on.

And maybe turn around on the wall and be like, are you
giving him sex, are you givingintimacy?
Like, why is he slacking?
Yeah, let's do this.
No, no, no, no, no, but no,that's to me that's a big thing.
But this is what I've learned,because we have argued many
times, philip, over householdchores.
But now, on year 18 of beingmarried, you have always said I

(01:26:36):
just need you to talk to me, Ineed you to express.
So now I, yes, I have a mentalload, but I try not to get super
anxious If I have a whole listand I know that men are very
simple and they can just boom,boom, boom.

Philip (01:26:49):
I'm like hey.

Philip, this is what's on my mental load.
I literally will call him up ortext him if he's not around me
and he's like that's notimportant.
This and this and this and thisand this, and I'm like I love
that.
I'm like, okay, I feel betternow.
Yeah, no, that's good, I'lltake care of this and don't
worry about this.
I'll do this and this and this.
That's good and it sucks as awoman that you have to do that,

(01:27:10):
but we have to.
Don't think that it's no, butdon't think that it's you that's
doing it because you just evencoming together you're doing and
making those scissors

Milky (01:27:17):
together, it's come a long way, justin, no, no, it has
to come along.
It has to come along.

Justin (01:27:21):
Again back to the point.
It does take time, just like ina marriage and a relationship
and anybody that you meet that'snew.
It takes time to figure outwhat you're, what the five is on
how you think.
I mean 17 years, and it wasn'tuntil you know me being married
until like maybe 17, 18 years,where I was like, oh, I think we

(01:27:41):
regularly need to have thishome cleaned by somebody else
not us because it's a birdiething, Like I started paying
once, I you know once.

Philip (01:27:49):
I started making pretty good money.

Justin (01:27:51):
I was like I'm not cutting the grass anymore.

Philip (01:27:53):
Yeah, you know, until my son turned, you know, a certain
age.

Justin (01:27:57):
then he's going to cut the grass just like I did those
kinds of little things, at leastcoming together and having that
conversation.
Actually, I've even heard it ona lot of podcasts where maybe,
if that is something that youfeel as women, that the mental
load is just something you'realways coming you know you're
having to overcome maybeschedule a weekly mental load on

(01:28:20):
load Right.
Maybe it's us getting togetherhusband, wise partners,
relationships or whomeversitting down and be like hey
look, here's the week of head,here's what my mental load has.
It's going to be like this week, here's what we got going on.
Can we share some of these thisload?
Can you?
Can you do the groceries thisweek?
I'm just so exhausted.

(01:28:41):
How many times have you beenlike you know what I'm tired.
I don't want to go do thegrocery shopping.
Phil, can you just please go dothe grocery shopping this
weekend?

Yeah, I've done that.
You've done that.
Yeah, there's a lot of womenwho haven't, and I know, my wife
would never let me go groceryshopping.

Milky (01:28:56):
Yeah, I totally would, she knows, I will fuck up that
grocery list, because I didn'thave a list.

But my thing is like what are you brought to me?
What's up here?
But the thing is like what isfucking it up?

Justin (01:29:06):
Like oh because.

I don't get the right brand, I don't get the right.

Justin (01:29:11):
I don't get the right thing.

I've got to yield that for getting.
I've let go of that kind ofstuff.

Justin (01:29:19):
I've got private selection instead of like you
know, we've gone past that.

Philip (01:29:25):
My thing is, if I'm going to get it, then this is
what you're going to get.
But we've gone past that and Iagree, because I'm not going to
be a moderator, I'm not going to.

I've heard that a lot of times in my lifetime.

Philip (01:29:40):
Yeah.

I can't read your mind .

Philip (01:29:42):
But you can read my mind when you want something.
So I get that, but I'm not goingto be a mind reader 100% of the
time, so you need to actuallyverbally communicate to me as an
adult and say, hey, this iswhat I need, this is what I want
, and you know what, I'll takecare of it.
I'll take care of it.
I may not take care of it theway that you would take care of

(01:30:04):
it, but I'm going to take careof it and it's going to be okay.
But that's where we have gottento.
When it comes to this is whatwe're going to do.
This is how we're going tohandle this situation because,
like you said, she'll call me.
She'll say, hey, I have this,this, this, this on my list,
this and this and this is notimportant, but this and this is,

(01:30:25):
handle this.
And then, what do you need fromme?
I need you to do this and youdo this.
Perfect, hey, I need you to gotake care in, to go skating on
Saturday.
All right, I got it.
What do you have on your plans?
I have nothing.
Take care of that.
One last thing on your middleload, but it comes back to
healthy communication, becausewhat most people do is assume

(01:30:51):
and they'll assume goodintentions and they assume oh,
you should read my mind.
You should know what I want.
You should know what.
But have you verbalized whatyou want?
No, but you should have read mymind and did it anyway.
That's not reality.
That's a made up man made senseof a relationship.

(01:31:11):
That's what you see on TV,that's what you see on these
romantic comedies and movies,and that's not real.
So we have to actually likecommunicate with each other and
tell each other what we need andwant.

Milky (01:31:25):
Now, that person is not fulfilling that when you tell
them that that's a whole, notherstory, that's another podcast.

Philip (01:31:30):
But when we do say that, then and we actually step up
and take care of it and we don'ttake care of it at the 10 that
you do, it's okay.
We least stepped up and didsomething and let us do it
multiple times.
Just like we said, when we tellyou the truth and we're
authentic when we tell you thatand we're transparent, and every

(01:31:53):
time you get it and you're okaywith it, it's the same way when
we step up and do something.
That's not the way that youwant it done and we do it.
You know what, over time, we'llget to that point where it may
not be a 10, it may not be afive, it may be a six or an
eight, and that's so much betterthan it was at the beginning.
So, yes, let us do that andthen we'll eventually get to

(01:32:18):
that point.
It works both ways, in bothtransparency and helping your
mental load.

Yeah, Women have to let go of expectations.
That's what I had to do,because, yes, I'm going to do it
my way.
And then I think women getcaught up and it's like, well,
he didn't do it my way, so Imight as well just do it and
think, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah.
I literally had to let go ofthat when the kids were babies.
It's like, okay, well, they'restill in there, still, onesy,

(01:32:48):
and it's sped up.
I would have changed them bynow.
But here I come home andthey're in that nasty house
onesy, they're having fun.
But they're having fun and I'mlike, okay, the baby's alive,
they've been fed, the diapersbeen changed, Okay, so they have
a nasty house onesy on.
It's an anxiety-inducing thingthat we have as women.

(01:33:10):
I'm sure there's men out therethat have that that I had to
literally let go of.
I'm like, do I want a happymarriage or do I want to fight
all the effin time over stupidshit like this, Because my
expectations aren't being met?
And it's exhausting when youthink about it.
It's very exhausting.
So I had to kind of put mystuff in check.

(01:33:32):
But also he had to step up sothat I'm like, okay, I'm
trusting him when I bring thisto him, that he's going to
actually do something.
And not just be like well,that's your job and you figure
that shit out, you know, becausethen that's deflating and I'm
sure there's men out there thatprobably respond that way and
that, like you said, that'sanother podcast for another time
and some extensive therapy.

Philip (01:33:53):
So we will get to that later.

So, listen, we have a ton to talk about so many other
questions, but we've beentalking forever and ever, so
we're going to do this again.
Yes, do you guys agree?

Milky (01:34:05):
Yeah, I agree.

Can we end on one silly, silly ask question?

Justin (01:34:09):
Yeah, let's do it.

But all the women want to know.
All the women want to know whycan't you ever find the catch up
in the fridge when we tell youexactly where that shit is?
Why, felipe, why.

Justin (01:34:26):
All right, this is a great way to end this Justin.

well, you wear glasses , so that makes sense.

Justin (01:34:30):
This is a great way to end this.
Thank you, justin, please,please, please educate us,
Justin, Because we want you tobring it to us oh dang you have
to be that honest, bro, mic dropand we're done.

Is that why or because you're blind?

Justin (01:34:48):
That's exactly right, because you're up and I need the
catch up.

Milky (01:34:52):
I just want to say as a you know, it's first time in
this podcast.
It's very educational.
I'm just grateful.
I want to come back.
I want to just kind of hearmore of these questions and just
learn more.

really, Thank you, Milky, because there's more and
I'm going to have you talking onsome of these.

Milky (01:35:08):
All right, let's go.

All right, so we're going to come back.
We're going to have part two,three, four, five, six, seven,
because there's a lot ofquestions left over.
All right, I appreciate youguys.
I thank you for being honest.
We're going to dig deeper,because we want to know about
some cheating and all that stufffor next time.

Philip (01:35:24):
Wow, that's a good question, that's a good question
.
Why, why?

Justin (01:35:29):
This is something you've never cheated in my whole life.
Oh, okay.

I thank you guys.
Go to Cigar Bar now.
Yes, I do have fun.
I appreciate you.
I'm going to go watch my HGTV.
Bye guys, bye, bye.
Thank you so much for listeningto Virago 24-7.
If you haven't done so already,go ahead and hit that subscribe
button and please give us fivestar ratings.

(01:35:55):
Also, don't forget to follow uson Instagram, at Virago 24
underscore seven, and onFacebook, at Virago 24 slash
seven.
And just connect with us andshare your story.
We'd love to hear from you.

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